Any of the cluster B personalities can be toxic to an individual with ASD or ADHD, or any significant deficits. The only one that could possibly work in a relationship, but extreme difficulties will arise the only cluster personality that is redeemable borderline, but it will come with extreme difficulties and lack of emotionsand emotional regulation, then intensity in which may not be suited for most people, but it is possible
Totally relate, in a way their sadistic cruelty is a gift as we know there is zero hope after witnessing such detestable wickedness in the face of our human suffering. Lots of insight here thank you, scripture says "they hunt the precious life". People don't believe until they experience it. So glad you are with a good guy now 😀 🙏🏻❤️🕊
We let things roll off of us , like verbally abusive comments bc ...it's almost like ...bc they're not PHYSICAL acts of violence ...you kind of aren't aware they're really abusive until you think about it in retrospect.
If a narcissist says "Everyone else picked up on the fact that I'm bad more quickly than you did. You're so pathetic," that says more about them then it says about you. The answer is "So you intentionally had to seek out someone innocent to abuse?"
That didn't even come close to the worst thing he said. Ultimately, it didn't matter what I said back. I was so insignificant in his mind, no insult I threw at him would have landed. The only way I could hurt him was by leaving since it makes him look bad to be left by such a "pathetic" person. The whole thing was so twisted and sad. It was a hard lesson to learn.
There is no point saying anything back. It's like telling off a shark. They will say horrible, hurtful things, and if you react and say something back, they will just be delighted that you degraded yourself to do so and that you let them have that power. They want to hurt you and control you because it feeds them. They do not feel bad about it. There is nothing to say to a narcissist. Just leave as quickly as possible
This difficult abuse lots of us go through during different years, mine didn't happen during those years most females look for their boyfriends, it was the big issues of a babysitter and the allistic kids leaving me out of almost everything and not letting me say anything. The only times I've been willing try to speak and help solve a social issue is if the situation is beginning to feel like danger's only a few seconds away unless quickly prevented with bravery. What I had to learn through school experiences with Autism was being loyal yourself doesn't mean the other person will also show you true support.
Bro same. Both my parents are clearly narcissistic and autistic, I was the scapegoat and the abuse was brutal. I tjought it would be better when I grew up but now the chaos of lies, accusing me of things, is just humongous and they have been freezing me out for like 5 years now, I dont get invited to christmas or birthdays any more and my brother pretends he doesnt know me on the street. Its wild. I have severe cPTSD aswell, and Ive also been with horrible violent narcissistis in romantic relationships. I think theres spiritual things behing it. I often wonder what theyre souls are made of.
I don't think an autistic person can be a narcissist. The autistic brain just isn't wired for lying and manipulation. Autistic people tend to be exploited, not exploit.
I have the same exact situation (autistic and narcissistic parents). I went no contact 10 years ago. I also have very bad cPTSD. I hope things are getting better for both of you 💛
@@tmallws04 I hate the "cure autism" stuff too. I don't think autism was an issue before modern times, with all the electronics, noise, flourescent lights, constant change, having to find work outside the home, competition and duplicity, the public school scene, etc. I like the saying that it's not a sign of mental health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. I keep seeing that autistic kids were treated brutally by their parents. It's a narcissistic culture so there's a lot of narcissists. I was extra work initially, needed speech therapy and my mother made sure I learned the phonics method of reading, knowing I'd never be able to learn in school. But after that I was an easy kid, quiet, reclusive, extremely submissive and obedient. My father was also always trying to undermine me and set me up to pull the rug out from under me, as one person described it. I think parents go after the autistic kid the worst simply because we're the easiest target. We're easiest to inflict psych control and dominate and exploit. Teachers and adults always told my mother what a great kid I was, always very polite and courteous and good student. My parents were out to destroy me because they could. I was so trusting and no guile and always trying to please and try harder and helpful, and way too trusting and clueless. I thought it was because I was the youngest, that's why my whole family really ganged up on me and dehumanized me. That's part of it, but autism made me an extremely easy target, and easy to control and constantly undermine. There is a term in medicine about the "identified patient". This occurs in dysfunctional families where they all gang up on one person, accuse them of mental illness, everybody bands together against the "identified patient" who is often actually the most mentally normal and healthy in the dysfunctuonal family. I've heard it said that bullies are always cowards. They don't go up against somebody who will give pushback. They go against the easiest targets.
That was my grandma for me. She only ever said nasty degrading things to my face, but when she talked about me to other people I was just so talented and smart! Because it made her look good to have talented and smart grandchildren, I guess.
I am an autistic and went through terrible narcissistic abuse. Everything you say resonates deeply. Idealized, isolated, entangled, gaslighted and devolved deeply into reactive abuse
Its so sad that my narcissistic ex didn't have to "love bomb" me. I was so young (16 and homeless) autistic, traumatized, neglected and abused and he took advantage of my extreme vulnerability and tried to maintain that power and control over me. I'm sad for our children, who are, very much, a product of my autism and who had to, and have to, endure the pain of having a narcissistic parent AND an autistic parent. I am highly empathetic and empathic and have developed a very large capacity for emotional intelligence, at least. I was a very physically attractive young woman and I had had so much abuse and expolitation, all ready, before he even met me. It took me SO LONG to figure out how bad it was and how terribly, I was being treated. I was always "crazy" and he was always "trying to heal me" and gaslighting myself and our children. I received my cPTSD diagnosis about 6 years before receiving my ASD2 and ADHD combined types diagnosis at 51 (late last year) . Not before raising my tribe of children ( it was 20 years before I left their dad). None of my children are narcissists though, some of them are autistic and ADHD-y and some are bpd-y and two have schizophrenia (the 2 oldest, the younger has ASD2-3 as well) and a couple are diagnosed with cPTSD, as well. My narcissistic ex wowed me by being in a band and being the band leader and I thought his song lyrics proved he was a good person (how autistic and teenager-y of me) and I got pregnant really quickly to him which trapped me, as I couldn't go to my family for support. He loved my youngness and my attractiveness but he hated me. I made him look good. But his bass player invited me into the band and he (my baby dadda) ended up hating that I got really good at singing, as he said "you're a better singer than me" (he said this very angrily). He also had zero empathy when I was dangerously ill, and shamed and blamed me for being ill. I had to have all our babies with zero support. Many, in dangerous inaccessable places (in the bush with no vehicle no power, no phones and terrible access) and I could've died, numerable times. I think he was mad that I didn't die. He resented the children, but, ended up turning many of them against me, when I finally had to leave, due to near-fatal illness. I have won the majority of our children back through honest kindness, patience and givi g them genuine support, and he has lost their trust as well, but, it has been utter hell, for me and many of my darling children. Thank you Claire for posting about this very relevant (to me) topic! I gladdens my heart to have peers who "get it" and who take the time to share their own horrible, hellish, corrosive and self and identify injurious experiences of narcissistic abuse. It feels so much less lonely and isolating! I have been out for 14 years now, but the vicarious abuse and the triangulation and character assassination toward myself and in regards to our beautiful children has never stopped. I'm glad I finally, have my right diagnosis', as it has helped dispell the shame of it all. I now know I'm not a failure of a neurotypical person, I'm actually a really awesome autistic person! Albeit one who has had a very difficult path. And I am with someone like me, who truly loves me, now. He has been through so much narcissistic abuse too, and like me, he had children with them. It is very hard because they do their best to estrange you from your own children, to punish you and because they can't help themseves, due to the untreated narcissism. We both have one estranged adult child each from the triangulation from the other parent. You are an inspiration and like you, I'm an "out and proud" autistic survivor of childhood and adult narcissistic abuse. You are awesome too!
Thank you so much for your kind words 💛 yes, I think we have quite a bit in common, more than I can speak to publicly in my videos, but your story resonates with me. My ex also didn't have to love bomb me much. He later mocked me, saying how easy I was to manipulate because I was so desperate for love. It's really sick.....
That is an awesome story, so sad yet so inspirational. A great story to share with other hurting people. I'm so glad life has gotten better for you. It gives me vicarious hope.
I am just thinking I might be on the spectrum. I was always a 'truth teller" and could not understand why I would get punished for pointing out the truth. I was scapegoated by narc parents who made my siblings despise me for no crimes, married a narc who alienated my kids from me (I could not fight him in court, I can't think fast enough, and was not able to attain legal help). As a Christian, I could not understand why so-called believers said they loved Jesus but acted more like the devil (now I know that anyone who hates does not know Jesus no matter how much they say they love Him). My narc was a minister and I saw LOTS of narc/sociopaths in the ministry. Most people in my life have found it so easy to point into my face and yell at me... my ex's lawyer, a pastor we served under, etc. I feel I cause people's demons to surface, lol... but not funny. Now I know it is true. God is Who He says He is and He tells us not to trust in people but in Him. He is Everything I need, and He helps me to love others despite their hatred. It IS hatred to say you love God but abuse those who are not as advantaged as you. No wonder those of us undiagnosed autistics are so bewildered with life, and religious people... when you see and speak TRUTH, you are met with abuse. 95% of those in my life were narcissistic, churchy people. My own children hate me because their "Christian", wealthy, Narcissist/sociopath dad abused their minds. All I can do is cling to Faithful and True, and lay all I wanted my life to be at the feet of my Heavenly Father Who actually loves me and cares so much for the brokenhearted. I don't mean to be preachy, just to shed light that the churches are full of fakers. I believe Truth Tellers rock and that we are capable of seeing truth vs lies, and we are braver to reject the lies. And so those who love the lies hate us. So be it. They hated Truth also and crucified Him, so how 'smart' are they really...cling to truth, no matter how the haters rise against us. I believe God loves the honest and shuns the proud. He said the last will be first one day and those who love to be first will be last. Hope. Thank you so much for your sharing.
I had a lot of similar experiences to this, including childhood abuse, narcissistic parent and ND parent, narcissistic partners and CPTSD, with Autistic and ADHD adult diagnoses in the last three years in my late fifties…currently, reeling, healing and dealing with long Covid and losing my job for health and neurodivergent coming out…
Dear, do not blame yourself for an instant. These types are mentally ill at an early life age. Those of us who have experienced the same are present. * Stay strong and know that you are very appreciated.
My ex literally said "I like that you have been abused before" and I was like WTF biggest red flag ever, but for some reason it didnt stop me. Online he would praise me and be kind most of the time, but as soon as we met irl, he was so cold, rude, didnt even step out his car, conpletly ignored and crossed the boundaries around intimacy I had set earlier, etc. He was extremly violent and rude and mean and mamipulative constantly. I had a bruise on my nose for the first 2 weeks there. He cracked my lip before we went to dinner with his friend, so it hurted while I ate and drank, and afterwards when I mentioned it, he laughed. He laughed when I told my most traumatic memory. He would tell me things to try to make me feel insecure and uncomfortable constantly. I fkn hate him. And now hes just out there living, no one knows. They are truly horrific people. And such blatant liers. No shame. They cannot possibly have a soul.
I'm so so sorry you experienced that 😞 And thank you, I'm so tired of people defending narcissists or telling me I shouldn't speak to things as I'm not a psychologist. If you've truly experienced narcissistic abuse, you know without a question. It is so incredibly twisted and depraved. I'm so thankful mine wasn't physically abusive, although who knows what would have happened had I stayed. He got very erratic at the end. There were a ton of red flags for me too, sick stuff. He clearly got pleasure from hurting me and putting me down (this video was the G rated version of the relationship). As terrible as it was, if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else, possibly worse. Unfortunately I had to learn to set boundaries and respect myself before I could find someone healthy. The good news is I did find a wonderful man. I hope you are healing, it's a journey. Remember, you did nothing wrong 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you dear 🩷🩷🩷 Im ok now. Hope you are well in all ways too 🩷 Yeah, we who know know, and we also know how increadibly important it is to talk about, and you are clearly very qualified to do so. I really enjoy your content, God Bless 🩷☀️
They hate thruthfullnes.......Their attraction is as follows: They see someone drowning in the sea. So they swim towards him/her.......to drown that person further.
Been in that type of relationship a few times. They always wait until they have you trapped living together before starting the abuse. Then you feel guilty for "running out on them" and you end up staying way longer than you should.
I had an ex that waited until I gave her a rental agreement that she asked for. She wanted in writing that she was a tenant. She was a perfect angel until then. It wsmas literally the MINUTE I gave her that document she flipped 180 on me. I went in her room and took the lease away and hid it the next day noticing what was going on. The police got involved within days, she couldn't find the lease, it's a long story but she was arrested it was so bad. Yeah I took the lease away in secret. She deserved it. She stole my shoes on the way out being arrested. She could of put her own shoes on while being arrested but instead takes mine. That's how mental she was.
Yes, lying and manipulation isn't something an autistic person can do. At age 54 I'm finally learning to intellectually understand guile to protect myself. I've watched so many videos on narcissists the past couple years and it's helped soooo much! The autistic mind couldn't be cunning to save one's life, but I'm learning how these minds work, and life is finally going a lot better. :) I wish these videos were around when I was young but better late than never.
We CAN lie and manipulate, it’s just much harder and takes more mental and emotional energy. Most of the time we are lying and manipulating to survive an abusive situation. If we’re happy in life we have no interest in lying and manipulation because it’s not worth the bother.
I have the same situation. It's so antithetical to our way of seeing and being in the world. Narcs see us as stupid suckers. Now it seems like these are the only people I've had in my life.
@@doctorberkowitz Yes, narcs always see their victims as stupid suckers. Thank God I finally realize that. It makes me angry to realize that, and that helps me overcome by default politeness and keep them away from me. And have a healthy caution of people in general. I was way to naive and trusting. I always attracted bad people because I looked like an easy target and somebody easy to railroad, and courteous and just looked "nice", ie, easy target.
@@RebeccaLynne2046 yes, I've questioned that. You can't be both. Narcs want to dominate and exploit others. Autistic people have no desire to do that. And autistic people are on the receiving end of being bullied and exploited and manipulated, not the ones doing it to others.
We can be deregulated quite easy if we are not on top of it. It's way worse if you don't even know that you're Autistic or ADHD. I went through this hell for 20 yrs and have left the entity for good as of 3 yrs ago. I have taken a lot of counciling and am in the process of getting my assessment finalized. I personally was an easy target because I was super deregulated and have a huge heart. Two of their favorite fuels! I'm now narc free and always will be. My experience, assessment, self awareness of my Autistic gift and self worth is 100% narc free forever. I wish you all the same! ❤
I'm so sorry you had to live through that. I also have a narcissistic parent and have been no contact for 10 years. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
Same goes with me I believe my mother is covert And my younger brother is a sneaky flying monkey who uses tactics to defend our mother like "I know she's done this and that but it's not that bad", he also falsely accused me of narcissism because I despise liberals (I believe most are as scummy as narcissists) I'm the golden child yet my mother constantly dismissed my issues
Had a therapist who had NPD. Luckily, my traumas were awhile ago so I survived but it was horrible and I would not wish the pain of it on anyone. Hard when the narcissist is someone you're supposed to be able to trust. Major betrayal trauma and I have worse trust issues than before that therapist. Advice: If it is not good for you, leave immediately. Do not wait or expect that any situation/person is going to change for you. Please don't make that mistake like I did. Just trust me. It was horrible and I don't want anyone else to go through it!
Wow you gave me the missing piece in the transition of my relationship from best friends to Narcissistic abuse. It happened when I let my homeless "friends" who had lived in a tent ⛺ in my front yard for 6 years into my house when Code Enforcement threatened to charge me $1,000/ day if they didn't leave. They weren't leaving, and I (ya me) couldn't find an alternative residence for them, so I reluctantly moved my stuff outside to let them move in. I set a boundary on how much they could alter my house, but they completely disregarded it, made their own changes, blaming me for their having to do it, and began screaming at me for not appreciating them. For 5 months they have continually ignored my requests and demands for them to leave, abusing my hospitality, and not offering anything in return. So the missing piece is an answer to my question, why the switch? You said it, they got me. Now that I can't get rid of them, they're allowing me to see who they truly are.
Oh and btw, I've accepted that I am Autistic, which explains my naively believing that because they said they were Christian ministers, their intentions for teaching me how to follow Biblical rules and principles regarding the "correct" way to handle my money were good. Now I understand that they were gaslighting me into providing for them out of my own resources, reframing it as God's blessing me financially for allowing his ministers to live in my yard. Their facade began to break down when I appealed to Code Enforcement for them to stay, saying I was "carrying. them" financially by allowing them access to my utilities. They were livid; now they tell everyone what a liar I am for saying that.
One time I passed out and fell face first into the kerb and took a chunk out of my nose. When I came around, two police officers saw me and they arranged for an ambulance to come - I was very dazed and I had actually fell into a busy road and could have easily been killed by the traffic. I called my wife and told her I was in an accident and an ambulance is coming and asked her to come and she just started complaining that I was disturbing her as she was very busy putting the shopping away. I realised at that moment that she doesn't care a damn about me.
@jaseman I hope you have moved on and are in a better place now 💛 I had multiple situations like this with the narcissists in my life (more than one unfortunately). Something harrowing could happen and somehow it would go back to a trivial issue. The worst was when a loved one was experiencing a medical emergency, I was in the ER, and "my narcissist" wanted to tell me about a networking event they went to and how important everyone thought they were. Sigh...
Some will do and say such things on purpose very calculated. They know this type of response at the times that you need them the most will cause the most damage emotionally and mentally, which deepens the trauma. This thing alone will stay with you for so many years that it will trigger you from time to time. They know the "right" moments to be the most cruel
There were so many places I wanted to put a timestamp and respond, this entire video is so hard-hitting. Every point is so accurate and personal. Thank you for putting this out there.
You're welcome. I'm glad it was helpful, I'm sorry it was relatable 💛 I will be creating more videos about narcissism and other tough subjects. It's a difficult balance between darkness and light on this channel....
@@ProudlyAutistic it's a good balance. I've found your content to be very personal, it's helped me continue to heal and to continue making good decisions right where I'm at moving forward. 🙂
Sometimes, there’s a fine line between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopathy. There’s nothing to gain from dealing with those types of people.
Sometimes there is a fine line between high functioning autism and narcissism. Many Autistic people attacking their parents for "narcissism" are oblivious to the fact that their parent is merely displaying their Autistic traits.
@@ProudlyAutistic I noticed you utilizing negative self talk/ demeaning words towards yourself when you speak about your relationship with that harmful person. I don't think it's helpful for you to continue to talk about yourself in this manner. You were victimized. Someone took advantage of your kindness. You did not deserve to be taken advantage of. You deserved better. Caring for people, being an empathetic person does not make us stupid. We can learn to be vigilant and be more selective about the people we surround ourselves with, but we are not stupid for the things that bad people do to us.
My sibling who is a narcissist preyed on me just after my husband died leaving me with 3 children. Such a low point in my life and that creature saw it as an opportunity. Gaslighted me so badly I felt like I was going insane. They were so good at it that I came within a hairs breadth of being committed to the psych ward by my family. Even though I had built my parents a house (still haven't been paid back) and was their carer for over a decade as we lived on the same property, my sibling was able to convince them I was losing my mind. I was, but it was from all the gaslighting. A psychologist helped me see what was happening and that I wasn't safe in my own home. So I left. Broke my heart. That was 5 years ago and now I live in an amazing community of supportive caring folk who accept me as I am. One of the best things I ever did
I was the invisible child to my grandiose narcissistic mother. I realized this at 42, and at 45 I am not contact with her. I raised her other children for her, and now they don't talk to me. It's my time to shine.
I'm sorry you went through that. I've been no-contact for over 12 years. It's very difficult, but does get easier, kind of. I wish I had had a conventional family experience, but no...
Thanks 🙏🏽 for the info. I’m in my 30’s & going in for an autism testing evaluation. Reading your info I also got ptsd & adhd too. I’ve attracted so many of these narcissists. I think autism could be the culprit tho why I didn’t see the red flags & signs. It’s really wreaked havoc & worsened my sensory issues too. I’m just praying I get some answers & can finally heal from this. Reading the Bible & the Carnivore diet has been very helpful tho, it got me out of the dissociative fog enough to see I’ve been getting abused the past 15 years by this individual & I think as I continue on it more will heal, I’ve healed from endometriosis on it too. I’ve watched testimonies of other autistics & they said it was very helpful as well.
I am so very sorry that you went through that with your horrible ex! Unfortunately, I understand what that's like. You are completely right; once you realize that you're with a narcissist, RUN! Seriously, NOTHING is worth going through that type of sadistic abuse!
I am baffled by how everytime I get a non-contract, non-internship job (if I even somehow manage to get one at all) I always run into a narcissist/sociopath/manipulator. I feel like they even hire me because I look like an easy target in the first place, and all the places that aren’t infested with narcissists just reject me because they’re not interested in abusing me. I hate this life
Basically do not see the good in people. See what people show you….Screen people, watch for in-congruency in their words & behaviors. Know your vulnerabilities & Guard your vulnerabilities. Don’t trust people, that’s 100% confidence. Unrealistic. Take calculated risk and watch people always. Know what to watch for.
Finally recognising the gaslighting i was experiencing and knowing i was not wrong was when I knew my relationship was over. My ex was never going to change, i was never going to get 'you know what, you are right' from them. Their behaviour since the break up (they've just disappeared into the wind after 15 years together) has only re-enforced that my decision was the correct one. Thank you for this video.
This may seem strange, but I relate to you. You are genuine. The thing is, your light has been shaded and barriers enacted because of the selfishness and damaged behavior of another homo sapien. Remember this, everyone will hurt you. I will love certain ones, but still walled off. It’s them, not you. Remain who are. I’m pleased that you found someone who is stable and who values you.
Thank you for your kind comment. Yes it took some time to build confidence (I also have a narcissistic parent). I'm in a great place now, with a great partner. Unfortunately I had to go through this process to get there.
Bless you! I have been taken advantage of by narcissists. I have now studied the subject and understand how it all works. Listening to you makes me wonder if I am also autistic! What you describes really hits home with me! I just turned 74. I had a difficult youth; went into the drug movement of the 1960s; was arrested many times and in and out of jail; and had a hard time functioning or "feeling okay and normal" unless I was on drugs. Then I was introduced to the Christian faith and found the love of God in Christ was just what I needed. Not only was God's acceptance of me based on what Jesus did on the cross and not my own perfectionist performance, but when I did fail to meet the perceived standard, the forgiveness was there for me as an unearned gift. Since my conversion in 1971, my life has been completely different. I finally started college at the age of 33 and eventually earned the B.A., M.A., and M.Div. degrees. A lot of things I never thought I could do, I discovered that I could do and could even excel at. Again, blessings to you! Thanks for doing the video!
A therapist I saw a while ago gifted me a book "disarming the narcissist". I asked why he gave it to me. He responded "you have a few narcissists in your life." But didn't clarify. I still wonder. I have been hyper focused on autism for 2 years now and found your videos through a collab you did.. I just watched this video and your other one on why NT people think Autistic people are narcissists to see if I could understand more why he gave me that book. You framed narcissism and NPD much clearer than the book and many other videos Ive seen. Thank you so much for your videos. I am so sorry you went through this, and had a narcissistic parent. I'm glad you're healing and hope many can learn from your experiences.
Tw do you want the truth/real reason - similarities of asd & npd? *self centered *no self insight *lack of empathy guilt & shame avoidance *autistic subjective thinking *immature defense mechanisms e.g idealisation or splitting.. Asd have access to positive feelings but may not understand them. Npd have cognitive empathy/ asd lack mind theory. ND never mention their dx online & they - wrongly- defined empathy narcissist etc. Coatches+online psychologists target ND & that s why they suddenly discovered narcissism. I feel deceived thinking 2 decades ND is some alternative way of thinking. & if it is then psycop*thy npd etc are identities too. You even beleive ppl are jealous of you!..& that you re "next stage of evolution" (you are. In future robotic world. Good luck)
Thank you for saying "You should never work out deception." I've been on the fence with wanting to go back to my ex but I need to remember not to accept his initial deception, which he has never apologized for. Also, that they never loved you. Thanknyou
I'm sorry you're going through this. As autistic people, we are consistently told that we are not enough. We accept mistreatment because we've been conditioned to believe that's what we deserve. As a result we often accept the scraps that come our way. You deserve so much more. There is a wonderful person out there, waiting for you. I hope you take the time to understand why this happened so that you can stop the cycle. Brighter days are ahead. Good luck 💛
Such great advice. Unfortunately, empathy and kindness has led me on many bad paths. We need to remember that not everyone has the same perspective or agenda.
@ my advice is meant to be a truth you should strive to adapt for your self care and navigation in a brutal world. 🌎. Kindness & empathy must be selective given to people who meet a high standard, not liberally to everyone who will abuse such a luxury.
Hi Karen! I found you yesterday over on Orion Kelly's channel when I watched a video with you and him. I was so interested in you I had to come and check out your channel! I've already watched quite a few of your videos, and I relate so much to the things you talk about. What really first connected for me was that in your interview with Orion, you talked about being raised by a narcissistic parent, and the narcissistic abuse you endured growing up. This is what happened to me! I only found out about narcissistic abuse about 7 years ago, and it answered so many questions about what happened to me as a child, and the true nature of my abuse. My mother is a malignant narcissist who tried everything in her power to completely annihilate me on a soul level. She also got the other members of my immediate family to follow along, and as the scapegoat I was subjected to their ridicule and contempt, also. I am 60 years old, and was just diagnosed with autism 4 months ago. I have suspected it for a long time, so to have it confirmed was has been validating, and also explains a lot about why I have struggled so much with EVERYTHING in my life. I understand now that I have C-PTSD from childhood narcissistic abuse, and also from trying to navigate life as an undiagnosed (unaccomodated) autistic, along with all of the resulting bullying and exclusion I've experienced all my life. So many puzzle pieces finally coming together! Thank you for providing a community here for us to get together and feel understood! ❤
Thank you so much for reaching out! Yeah, it's funny with narcissism. Some of us go so long without knowing what it is. And then when we finally understand it, everything makes sense. For me, I was actually the golden child until I got married and tried to live a life less dependent on my narcissist. They got progressively more abusive, at which point I became the scapegoat. They did very mean, hurtful things, just to dig at me. For example, when I expressed interest in a different (less prestigious) career path immediately following a job loss and prior to the birth of my oldest child, they canceled their plans to visit and help the week of the birth. Why? The decided to finally schedule an elective surgery that they had debated for over 10 years. This elective surgery prevented them from seeing their grandchild until a month following their birth. The reality was they were hung up on me working in a specific field and couldn't stand the thought of me doing something that wasn't their idea. That kind of stuff. It eventually was too much and I went no contact. Instead of seeing the situation for what it is, my whole family enabled the narcissist and turned against me for being "mean" and no longer choosing to engage with an abusive personality. It's unfortunate, but necessary for my mental health. I hope things are getting better for you. It's a journey 💛
Wow, that was such an informative video. So spot on with every point and I have watched many narc videos. I am so glad you made that distinction between NPD and narc trait possessors. The term 'Narcissist' as a catch-all label is so over-blown these days, as you pointed out. I haven't been diagnosed Autistic but had considered that I could be in the past - but I rejected following it up. The only reason I did that is because I can take a joke, even be extremely funny - so some say - and I thought that was a sign that I could not be. Turns out that is not true. Someone at work recently asked me if I was on the spectrum and I took the online Baron Cohen test and it was positive - just. The more I watch ASD videos the more I believe I am likely Autistic Level 1. My whole life is proof of ASD as well as someone who has suffered trauma from narcissistic abuse. Thanks once again for your channel. I will defo' subscribe. Keep up the good work.
I also feel that most of our psychological conditions are also physical disorders first...I know a lot of people who show signs of narcissistic behavior are also hiding drug use...the people are detached from their emotional centers unless they are giving themselves more drugs.. they only feel good when they are on drugs and when they are at work or at other places... they feel cold. I know really old guys who think they are fabulous but no... they run other people's lives into the ground.
Wszystkie uzależnienia wyostrzają u człowieka cechy narcystyczne, od alkoholu, narkotyków, pornografii, hazardu, gier komputerowych, mediów społecznościowych itd., ponieważ osoba uzależniona jest sfrustrowana, że jest niewolnikiem nałogu, przez co skupia się tylko na sobie i na głodzie jest zdolna zaspokoić swój nałóg nawet kosztem innych. To jest błędne koło, ale jeśli uda się z niego wydostać, to cechy narcystyczne stopniowo zanikają. Byłem uzależniony przez wiele lat od pornografii, teraz już prawie rok czasu jestem od tego wolny i dostrzegam jak zmienia się moje myślenie, że więcej myślę o innych. Niestety też mam prawdopodobnie zaburzenia ze spektrum autyzmu i ludzie odbierają mnie jako patologicznego narcyza, bo jestem egocentryczny w rozmowach z nimi, ale ciężko mi kłamać czy manipulować, nie wyobrażam też sobie, żeby mnie mógł ktoś okłamywać lub manipulować mną przez co często padałem ofiarą manipulatorów, szczególnie kiedy coś od kogoś kupowałem, potrafili mi wcisnąć popsuty sprzęt lub podrobione produkty. Aczkolwiek zdarza mi się kłamać, ale nie po to, żeby kogoś oszukać i odnieść jego kosztem korzyść, tylko po to, żeby uniknąć np. kolejnego spotkania lub konsekwencji, bo jestem bardzo introwertyczny.
Ooof! I am so glad you survived and got away. After my latest breakup had been reached, I had a heart episode, possibly a heart ataack. I called 911 to inquire about symptoms and they sent an ambulance. I went out on my own, was hooked up and monitored until recovered enough. Then I went back inside alone. This was in the middle of a Friday night. My 'partner' woke up, saw the ambulance outside our home, thought it must be for me, then went back to bed. Such an awful, and yet validating experience.
Wow, I'm so sorry! That is so incredibly terrible. It's situations like that though that can provide the needed clarity. I hope that you're in a much better place now 💛
Thank you for this. This was my mother. I married someone just like this as well. It took me years to figure it out, so glad I got out. It still makes me sick to think about what I put up with. Sorry for what you had to go through but you have probably helped a lot of people with this video. ❤
I'm sorry you endured that. I also had a narcissistic parent, which sadly normalized the behavior. I hope you're in a better place now. Thank you for the kind words 💛
Imagine this plus having a father which is a narcissist and emotionally neglected me and gaslighted me since 13. I fell for my ex's tricks completely, he pretended to be vulnerable and to have never had any attention of any girl and feel so sad about it, he told me about the bullying he'd suffered etc. Me, also having been heavily bullied in school felt very bad for him and ended up initially only having sex with him because I felt bad not to after everything he told me and because he walked me home after parties, and he made it seem like it was very mean to have him walk me home and then not give him anything back like. Although I didn't want anything serious with him, because I always felt there was something off with him, he ended up convincing me that I was being a terrible person not wanting to formally date him, so I ended up giving in to that as well. It was the worst 4 years of my life, I still have so many traumas and insecurities because of it, in particular relating to sex or being cheated on, since he always made "jokes" about finding a better girl or being with someone else. This, combined with the abuse and abandonment from my father has left me finding it extremely difficult to trust anyone. My current partner is an angel, but I often have dreams where he cheats on me or lies to me or taunts me with other girls. I feel in the need to ask him like 100 times per day if he still loves me and will not abandon me and I'm always anxious when he goes out, thinking he might cheat on me. I don't want to be unfair or toxic, but I really can't prevent feeling so insecure and jealous, although he handles it with a lot of patience, I feel bad for being so annoying sometimes.
I'm in a very similar situation. I also have a narcissistic parent, which meant I went into adulthood not fully realizing how abusive and dysfunctional the behavior was. Thankfully I'm in a wonderful relationship now, but I spent years trying to sabotage it. I'm glad you finally found a good one too.
this video helped me so much. thank you! i am currently in a narcissistic marriage and planing on how to leave my narcissist. cant wait to get out. they are sick damaged shells that resemble what once were human beings
Good luck 💛 it's hard, but necessary. Just stay safe. Reach out to a domestic violence center if needed. They can provide guidance and possibly provide resources. In my case, I loaded up on gift card credit cards every time I got groceries. I used those cards to buy things I needed as part of my escape. I moved all important possessions to a friend's house slowly for safe keeping. I was very careful about email (he still hacked his way in somehow and read letters to my attorney). Get a secondary email if needed and be careful what devices you access it from. I got trapped in an apartment lease and couldn't get out even after I explained the situation to the leasing department. A DV center could have helped me had I known to contact them at the time. Seriously, contact them if needed. They've seen it all and might give you good ideas. Obviously watch which phone you use if that's a concern. Or get a burner phone with the gift cards. Good luck 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic i changed most of my passwords. hid my money savings. my husband is the vulnerable narcissist type so i doubt he would physically harm me but i dont trust him at all because he can be very hateful and vindictive. i have a lot of dirt on him and can ruin his life if i want so maybe he knows that? i am moving to a domestic shelter soon and then going to rent an apartment. finances are not an issue thank god but i still need a few things from him that are not money related so i hope i can stick around long enough get them then i am outta here lol
I was strangled by one in the past and even the police didn’t want to help me. They took out my stuff out of my house and I had to go after it myself. I ve been followed for years, also by his family and siblings. Nobody helps! They don’t know what narcissistic behavior is. And I never got 100% rid of my PTSS. After dat I got Involved with more people with narcissistic behaviors. And until four years ago I hadn’t heard about this. Two years ago I was diagnosed with ASS. And now I understand why those situations happened to me. Why I always got involved in these unhealthy relationships. It explains a lot!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that. I'm glad you finally have answers, both with diagnosis and understanding of NPD. That's a huge step to healing and setting boundaries. I'm hoping you find genuine love and happiness in this next chapter 💛
I have been hyper focusing on your content for 24hrs. Thank you, you are incredible. I have recently discovered I am Audhd, waiting for official diagnosis. Putting all of the puzzle pieces of my life together retrospectively is strangely enlightening and liberating. I was in a marriage for 20 years with a NPD person and even now, with cPTSD as a result, plus Autism and ADHD, I look back and feel happy that the marriage experience made me who I am. However, I get an uncontrollable rage when I come across an NPD person in the midst of a relationship, I really struggle with not going straight to point Z and have to really hold back my emotions. I can't thank you enough for your candour, honesty and authenticity.
Have no guilt, have no fear against these people. They are a paper tiger who neglect long-term delf responsibility. Their "misfortunes" is their own making and can be fixed easily if they want. Spend your well earned time and energy for the pure-heartened 😌
How do you leave when it is your mother? I feel trapped because all of my brothers and sisters have left, my father has died, and her brothers and sisters have all walked away, as well as any friends.
I also have a parent with NPD and have gone no contact. I will make a video about this in the future. Ultimately what helped me leave is the recognition that my parent really didn't care about me. They cared that I inflated their ego, but they didn't actually care about me as a person. I also recognized that their contributing to my having life did not entitle them to abuse me unapologetically. At some point, simply being "family" isn't enough. It's sad. I recognize that my parent is very alone right now, but that is their own doing. They could have tried to meet me half way. They chose their ego over me and their grandchildren. That says everything. I wish you luck as you navigate this, it's difficult 💛
Karen, THANK YOU for making this video. I’m new to your channel, but just subscribed! Sorry to make my first comment a rant, but I can’t condense my thoughts on this topic 🙈 Firstly, I am so sorry you had such a horrific experience. I know it probably wasn’t easy to make this video. I want you to know how grateful I am for authentic PSAs like yours. Knowledge about how to recognize and respond to abuse is globally lacking, and that enables and prolongs so much pain and loss around the world. And you are totally right, autistic people are disproportionately victims of abuse so your story and educational content are extremely important. I do want to make some notes for anyone else who reads this though. My experience was very different from Karen’s, and it wasn’t until I listened to an episode of Dr. Kirk Honda’s podcast/TH-cam channel, Psychology in Seattle, on domestic abuse that my situation really clicked for me and a fire lit under my ass to do whatever it took to get out for good. As an autistic person, it took really specific and nuanced language that didn’t overdramatize or make blanket statements for me to see the abuse happening in my life. I recommend anyone who is scared or just wants to be educated about the broader presentations of abuse to look at his content, but two important takeaways for me were: 1) People who have diagnosable personality disorders are relatively uncommon, but abuse is common. So most abuse is being committed by more outwardly normal/functional people. And not all people with diagnosable personality disorders do commit abuse or have empathy impairments as horrendous as Karen’s awful ex. 2) The personality disorders often linked to abusive behavior (besides maybe antisocial) are also fundamentally characterized by very real emotional anguish (often coming from a distorted lens of reality, but the person is not always aware of that). That DOES NOT excuse abusive behavior and abusive relationships get worse over time 99.99% of the time so if you are in one, you *need to find a way to leave*. But for us autistic folks that are hyper-empathetic, it can be extremely hard to recognize that their pain truly is not our fault or responsibility to fix when we are trying so hard to be a good partner and help them when they’re hurting. One last thing: Gabby Petito’s story and the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp saga are two other particularly sad but illuminating case studies of how abuse and personality pathology can cooccur, if anyone wants to deep-dive into some other anecdotes. Rant over! I am so happy to hear you are in a lovely relationship now, Karen (I am too)! I hope everybody in the channel community stays safe out there, because every single one of you deserve safety and peace.
Some narcissists have psychopathic traits as well. Lacking empathy and love for anyone else. Very dangerous. My narcissist ex husband is completely unaware he's broken. Less in your face about it. But same gas lighting, same bad behavior I gave excuses for. Same bullshit I should have left him over. But I had 3 kids and wanted to make things work. So damaging, so irritating. I'm so sorry you too went through this trauma.
Yeah mine had more going on too. You know, he actually admitted to pondering whether he was a psychopath and I STILL didn't get the hint it was time to go. I'm glad you escaped. I hope you're in a much better place now 💛
Just found your videos. I was in a relationship with someone who I don't think was completely narcissistic but did some of these things to me, though not the worst like you describe. He took advantage of me and I ended up doing many, many things for him, but he never reciprocated. He wanted to be taken care of, but was mean the one time I had a medical procedure and he was helping me. Luckily it was a minor procedure, so I really didn't need his help. I really came to hate him, after the fact. But it was hard to break it off, which I finally did with support from a therapist. She recommended I change my locks, too. I'm learning finally, not to be so empathetic. Going for reciprocity in all relationships, and no one will ever sweep me off my feet again, either. At this point I'm not interested in a romantic relationship. Friendships only and then only with people who have some empathy, reciprocity, etc. Thanks for pointing out specific ways/reasons autistic people can get taken advantage of. Interesting that sometimes autistic people are accused of being narcissistic because of the communication style of giving examples from our own lives when someone opens a conversation and also not showing what we are feeling in the ways allistic people do. That's a superficial and inaccurate reading of narcissism, yours goes into much more depth. Another problem of mine is what I call being an internalizer. (Everything is my fault/guilt) As opposed to being an externalizer (the person has a bad feeling and looks around for someone else to blame). This describes another bad relationship with someone who was also autistic, though neither of us knew it at the time. This was also hurtful, but not like with a narcissist. When I left that relationship, my self-esteem got way better since being blamed for everything is very bad for a person. Both these were some years ago. We learn from our mistakes.
I'm glad you got out. It's a challenge dating after a relationship like this. For me, I swung too hard the other way, becoming very hardened and suspicious of kindness. You remind me of me when you say "no one will ever sweep me off my feet again." I eventually found a wonderful person, but I put him through so much for the first few years. It was sooo hard to trust again. I hope things get easier for you 💛
Been there… I can remember the hurtful things but it is still hard and exhausting to talk about. But we are so strong! Brilliant topic Karen👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 really, really well addressed👏🏻👏🏻
My ex girlfriend would go to great lengths to manufacture problems in the relationship, and do exactly everything she knew passed me off trying to get a rise out of me so she could point the finger and go see! Look! He's getting mad! She also started acting like a child and throwing tantrums if she didn't get her way. If I told her no she escalated and escalated until she pretended to have a mental illness. She accused me of being a psychopath because "I didn't care about her" which was translated as "my manipulation isn't working on you" She fought and fought to not move out, called the police, the internet company, parking bylaw, went to therapists and psychologists who gave her terrible advice. I could see it playing out she would get this advice from somebody "just talk it out with him and explain how you feel" she would try and I would stop her and go "excuse me I didn't consent to having this conversation im not interested in talking to you" and she wouldn't know what to do and start freaking out again. Everything was a game to her. Everything was just another chance to try to "win" or get revenge. She tried getting back at me so many times when I just wanted her to leave. I couldn't ignore her hard enough. She accuses me of being abusive because I wouldn't talk to her. Every time I tried it was immediately another attempt to manipulate me. What a wreched soul she was. She let darkness and hatred absolutely destroy her. She could not just let it go and move on. And remember the original grievance that caused this 9 month long war in my house was me telling her "no". And then standing my ground no matter what she tried pulling to force me to give in and let her have her way. Everything she wanted she could have just done easily herself but no, she HAD to MAKE me do it for her.
i was in love with someone and when we broke up my narcissistic family got me believing it was all my fault. when he was actually abusive. my other ex got people believing that i am the narcissist :( i made mistakes but i felt like he had a lot of power and put me down a lot
I'm so sorry. I hope you're in a better place now. Surviving narcissistic abuse, especially within the family is challenging. FYI, I also have a narcissistic parent and have been no contact for 12 years. It was incredibly difficult, but critical for my mental health.
My mother was autistic in my opinion, I've recently been diagnosed, my older brother is a narcissist... My father likely has bpd and takes on traits he sees from the people he works with etc. They broke up when i was 2. My father even admitted using me as a sexual object. As in he gets sex from presenting his kids in a manner. My mother died when I was 17 so my father sort of had to atleast take me in. Atleast an hours drive away..... Since I self diagnosed autistic, he's been using that as a way of relinquishing responsibility any further etc... I lived with him about 2 years. One year at 17 another year in a caravan at 22... I'm 33 years old and have moved 17 times since I was 16... Ive spent the last 4 years in a county I haven't lived in for 16 years... Just got disability 6 months ago... Not much... I stopped working around that time.... I developed diabetes at 23... My dad is a workaholic tbf
I'm sorry that you have faced so many challenges. I hope things stabilize for you soon. I suspect that many of us with autistic parents (it is genetic) had another parent who was abusive or otherwise problematic.
That exhibition of cruelty when he stepped over you in an exaggerated way whilst you had an emergency and have fallen to the ground. That's when I feel you, how cruel and unconditionally selfish, narcissistic and manipulative people are. You can treat them with the best kindness and help you are capable of and still people like us mean sometimes less than an object to them.
My father is also a narcissistic person and psychologically ill. I have experienced dangerous episodes living with him during two and a half years. For personal reasons I prefer to forget him.
@@Tom78890I agree. Voting is basically the act of being a willing narcissistic supply. They're who create our laws and also the ones who enforce them. We can avoid fostering close intimate relationships with them but we can't avoid them completely.
I asked my covert ex what is love? She said " it's an emotion". She used to always tell me I have to love myself first, and she had no concept of what it was. Neither did I until a couple of months ago. I know what it is and isn't now thanks to her.
As an Austic person who has also suffered through abuse, I want to clarify that there is no such thing as “Narcissistic Abuse” just abuse. Autistic individuals can be just as abusive as BPD’s, NPD’s, or any other disordered behavior. Which a commonality of personality disorders is C-PTSD and is argued for causation. I’m glad you are safe now from him and in a loving relationship. NPD’s can feel love and I will argue that continued stigmatization of another neurodivergent group when us Autistics are still being stigmatized for lack of empathy and incapable of love is unhelpful for all of us. Just be aware that there are some NPD’s out there who were severely traumatized and getting help that don’t need the stigma or bullying.
Those seeking help represent a very small percentage of those with NPD. Many narcissists will have a point in their lives when someone urges them to get help. They usually refuse. I have lived with narcissists for over 30 years of my life before I found the courage to break the cycle. I'm extremely well versed on this topic and have no sympathy for grown adults who choose to use their childhood as an excuse for abusing others.
I love my dog more than anything in the universe, except my boyfriend. I would literally jump in front of a car or train or whatever for my dog, so this man definitely has no idea what love is if he even talks about "liking" a pet. My ex boyfriend also tried to exploit all my triggers and insecurities for his own pleasure in making me go crazy once he felt he had me secured. I really don't know why he did it, because it didn't seem to have a clear objective, only observing how I got anxious or jealous snd making me suffer. I suppose it made him feel powerful and desired. He also always managed to make me feel like I was being hysterical and stupid and overreacting to things, and I always felt so dumb afterwards, because I ended up believing he was right and I was the crazy one. They're just masters in manipulation.
I notice in the comments that some people are saying that they had relationships with people/parents who were both autistic and narcissistic. I'm not sure if those two things can go together. For a while I thought my dad was narcissistic and knew he had Tourette's and likely ADD. When I discovered I was autistic, I realized he was, too. He needed lots of down time/time for himself. We were poor and lived in a very small house. He frequently melted down. He talked on and on. All the things he did that I found hurtful I now attribute to autism. He was empathic, for one thing and also not manipulative. But he had five children and a job unsuitable for someone autistic, so he was frequently in crisis. He tried not to show it. It's a miracle he survived. I always knew he loved his family but his way of showing it was to sacrifice his time in a job that was horrible. He did show it in other ways, too.
Only when autistic person routinely starts using alcohol to mask anxiety and meltdowns, that's when narcissism occurs and it's always pointed towards the people who they already know, but never against authority and never towards random strangers. The longer they use alcohol, it's more impossible to ever stop as they adopt effects of alcohol as something that makes them normal (??), while neurotypical person drinks to forget past or for fun. Once the autistic person starts with alcoholism, they get stuck in magic circle forever, brainwashing and exploiting their family and friends until everyone starts avoiding them.
@@democratictotalitariansoci1462 I agree with your assessment- but I can point out another situation where an autistic individual can become a narcissist- when they join or are born into a cult. My mom is a late diagnosed autist and my grandmother joined the cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses when she was only 4-5 and my mom never escaped the cult. A cult member uses the cult in MUCH the same way an alcoholic uses alcohol in the way you described. People tend to focus on narcissistic cult leadership, but fail to recognize that many of the members are attracted to the cult due to thier own narcissistic or autistic qualities. When an autist joins a cult they become narcissists as well.
I believe having an autistic brain can make a person more vulnerable to the cognitive distortions of NPD, especially the vulnerable narcissism presentation. What I mean is I think autism and narcissism are not incompatible in one person. I have a parent who has both.
I read online that autism now can be diagnosed by MR and also by studying a complex of genes. In the future maybe there will be MR and genom screening for narcism too (or does it exist already?). I hope there will be diagnostic ways and treatments for all invaliding or hurtfull neuro traits in the future.
I'm not sure. You're born with autism. Narcissism is born from trauma. It's created. So I don't know how it can be tested per se. However, if you spend a good amount of time with someone, it's kind of obvious. The bigger issue for narcissism is intervention in childhood, while there's still time to correct course.
I dated a guy who turned out to likely be a narcissist. Got a feeling that he was hiding something. I totally put my feelings aside for him thinking he was emotionally suffering. The way he talked about one of his exs always struck me as odd. I decided to reach out to her after I broke up with him over some cruel behavior. I got injured and he didn't care instead he sent me pictures of himself looking for phrase and attention. Turns out she had dumped him a few months before, so this explained his attention seeking behavior I had not seen before, she was the one that he got praise for how handsome he was all the time. without her he had to get all his supply from me and that mask dropped and I saw him for who he was and I ended things. He lied to me saying he had broken up with this person more than a year before we got together. She had some horrific stories to tell and if she had been more unlucky she would be dead. She had a seizure in front of him and he did nothing pretended he didn't know because he was playing a video game. Get out when you can people it is dangerous.
I'm so glad you got out and I'm glad you only endured it for a few months. As you said, it would have gotten dangerous. I hope you're in a much better place now 💛 Yeah, mine had such nasty things to say about all his exes (and he had a lot). That's such a flag, but it didn't register with me. Instead I felt bad for him. So stupid!
@@ProudlyAutistic not stupid to feel bad. Stupid if you kept making that mistake. Now look at you, you've helped others understand such an amazing video. Compassion isn't stupid. But it takes us some time to learn. And we learn a lot when we share our experiences. Your video helped me connect more dots. Thank you
In my marriage,as an undiagnosed Neurodivergent, I was terribly abused by my narcissistic ex-husband. You are so right that this issue really needs to be focused on…… our deficits can really set us up to be narcissistically damaged. At the end, he was sadistic and revealed his contempt for me.
Yes, the less control mine had over me, the worse he got. I also have a narcissistic parent, same thing. I'm so glad you got out. I hope you're doing better now 💛
I think I continue to struggle with attracting narcissists because it's hard for me to see the differences between what is described as narcissism (wanting to feel important, wanting people to manage their emotions, gaslighting, focus on image in relationships, etc.) and generally accepted behaviors in society. I think this is why many people throw around the term narcissism, because what is described is true of most people I come across- it all feels the same. Is it right to assume that society is inherently narcissistic? If not, what exactly are the differences we should look for that will tell us if someone actually is narcissistic?
Yes, society is inherently narcissistic. Watching out for your own interests and projecting confidence are pretty basic self preservation techniques. However, this is NOT narcissistic personality disorder. As far as things to look out for.....aside from the stuff everyone talks about like gaslighting..... constant "jokes"/comments at your expense, suggesting mental illness when you assert yourself, implying you are too incompetent to do even basic things (my narcissist used to criticize the way I loaded dishes for example), stuff like that. It's all about control. Covert narcissists act like victims, everything is someone else's fault or done to them. They constantly criticize and suck the energy out of the room with their negativity and passive aggressive behavior. It can be confusing for us. Neurotypicals have much different priorities in regards to how they communicate and what they value. So for us, it's easy to assume we're "wrong" and just go with the flow in an effort to fit in. The problem is that this fawning behavior can make us normalize things we shouldn't and blur our boundaries. Moral of the story, listen to your instincts! Good luck 💛
I pretty much know dad was a narcissist. The real problem is I think mum is either on the spectrum or a narcissist as well, I don't know which but many times she was so uncaring for no reason I could ever discern. She was also willfully ignorant (most of my life and still is)of everything around her even when informed.
My situations was the same (narcissist and suspected autistic). I think that my autistic parent was so deep in trauma that they didn't know how to assert themself. If you haven't, look up the concept of "safe parent." That might be helpful for you 💛
Yeah, we definitely attract people who want to take advantage of us. It's difficult when we struggle with boundaries. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
As an undiagnosed autistic and a diagnosed ADHD, I do have some Narcissistic traits and I hate this about me but I do tend to be selfish and have people walk around egg shell metaphor
A true narcissist needs to control others. They know they are being hurtful to others and they don't care. In fact, they probably enjoy it. Most people with random narcissistic traits aren't this cruel. The fact that you acknowledged and dislike your behavior tells me you're most likely not NPD, so please don't be too hard on yourself. It's just an opportunity to learn how to manage your challenges better.
Definitely an eggshell relationship. Unfortunately I grew up in a similar environment so I couldn't clearly see how wrong it was. Plus I desperately wanted acceptance. I made so many excuses.
I got caught by one for 7.5 months. It wasn't until 2 weeks after I ended things due to her cheating on me that I realised I'd been subjected to 7.5 months of emotional abuse. Feeling very stupid right now...
People with NPD can display and understand empathy. At a cold and exclusively cognitive level they can put themselves in the shoes of another person and even have an idea of what the other person could be feeling but they are incapable of feeling any real emotional empathy or compassion.
Even when they don't, when their supply turns on therm, they reframe it as if something was wrong with the other person to avoid accountability. I have a narcissistic parent who has chosen not to have a relationship with me or my children as doing so would require taking responsibility and acting like an adult.
My "covert" Narc Ex knew from the first time we met about all my trauma. One of the many was being cheated on. So- he only told me weeks after being in a relationship that he's had an affair with a married woman and even a child with her. This wasn't the only problem and when asking him why he didn't tell me, he said: "Then you wouldn't have wanted to be with me." Since knowing I'm autistic, ai'm so angry. I wasn't his only victim and the worst is that he's a member of a socialist-feminist Organisation for almost half his life and this is how he got our trust. I reported him about two years ago and guess what? He's still a member, they didn't kick him out and he's still there on demos on International Women's Day, grinning into the camera and claiming to fight for our rights
That's horrible. Yeah they have no shame. The biggest lesson for me was to realize they genuinely do not care about anything but themselves. They definitely don't love. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
Thank you for sharing this story, it was very difficult to hear. I have been recovering from a relationship since mid last year regarding this and I still can't make complete sense of it, even when I can, I can't. I'm so much happier in myself now but it will take time to heal. I hope and pray the next man I meet is one of the good one's 🙏🙏 You're a very strong woman, that's for sure 🩷
I don't think it's possible to make sense of it as a rational person because your motivations are fundamentally different. From experience, I'd recommend being really real with yourself as to why you ended up in that situation. Why do you go after certain people and what are the red flags? Anticipate that the right person might feel uncomfortable initially (we tend to have insecure attachment styles so healthy relationships can seem alien). I knew my partner Matt was right for me on our first date, but it took me about two years to stop trying to sabotage the relationship. Best of luck, just be patient and kind to yourself 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic As well as being rational people we are also human and to be human is to be vulnerable, open, honest and willing to let someone hold a piece of your heart. I've learned the person I was with didn't and doesn't know what that is, it's alien to him, despite the fact that what he represented to me was the opposite of that. Though I'm fully aware that the red flags were there from the beginning. I, being the deeply empathetic person that I am chose to see past those insecurities and instead nurture them, without questioning what they were or feeling I had the right to. That ties into a whole host of things autism related and past trauma related but since beginning my journey to my assessment I have learned an incredible amount about myself and what lends me to certain situations in my life. I've gained a new found strength (though I'm still working on my self esteem in the process of course) and with this, I'm much more self aware. Can I say I won't be taken in by another narcissist? No, like nobody else can and that's because as we know, they are master manipulators, so much so that even Neurotypical people are sadly taken in by them too. However, I do have better tools to work with and a whole lot less willingness to accept any more crap in life from someone who doesn't lend themselves to me in a wholesome and loving way. Bit by bit I'm healing and with that I hope I will accept as you said that initially new uncomfortable good love and make it the new normal comfortable love that I know I deserve. That would be really good 🩷
You seem like you're creating a great foundation for your future. And while yes, there are still narcissists out there, you'll be able to spot the manipulators much easier now. If anything, you may swing the other way, fearful that even innocent misunderstandings have ulterior motives behind them. I know I would pick fights with Matt because I had a hard time knowing what was real. It took a long time to trust that what you see is what you get with him. My advice is to take it slow and give yourself a lot of grace. The right person will wait for you 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic You hit the nail on the head. My fear now is like you said, swinging the pendulum the other side and mistrusting in what is an innocent gesture of affection or warmth towards me as something sinister or as having an ulterior motive. I'm aware this will most likely come up in my next relationship but I'm also aware of where it comes from and so I do have control of that and most importantly, I can communicate that to my next partner. Communication is key, I thoroughly believe that. I'm hopeful I won't find myself in that place for too long because I do not want to self sabotage my own future happiness. I know in time I will heal better and better and the scars will fade slowly but surely. I'm taking my time and I'm being kind and caring towards myself. I'm hopeful of what the future will bring and that's enough for now 🩷
I don't attract anyone. Think I come across as unfriendly standoffish quiet withdrawn. When people do talk to me sometimes they excuse themselves or say they're sorry for bothering me when I did want to talk to someone. RBF, depressed, anxious, avoiding eye contact. Just feels awkward and painful trying to socialize and meet people.
This seems overfocused on Grandiose Narcissism. I've found Covert Narcissists do more damage because they are harder to spot and can seem more sympathetic. Watch out for Borderline Personality Disorder. Some of the literature contends BPD is someone with NPD socialized as a woman.
This video recounts my experience living with a malignant narcissist (dark triad). Those grandiose signs can be attractive to those wanting acceptance and someone to confidently lead the way. Many of us have been taught that our social intuition is wrong, so we're definitely susceptible. I agree that covert narcissism presents differently and is more insidious. The diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 is the same for both, the traits just present differently.
Thank you 💛 This was just what was suitable to share publicly. Moral of the story, if you encounter someone like this, RUN! I'm in a much better place now.
Your ex is a monster and I’m praying for some Godly justice to rain upon him. Keep being your beautiful self. I too loved a demon and know your pain. I found love and redemption in Christ xo
Things are better, but that relationship was such a massive life altering mistake that I still feel the repercussions from. I'm in a better place now. I am glad you are too 💛
I don’t see how they could know what love is if they have no empathy. And I don’t see how they could love. So no, he would not have known what love is.
To clarify, the relationship I'm referring to happened a long time ago. I'm with a wonderful person now ❤
Any of the cluster B personalities can be toxic to an individual with ASD or ADHD, or any significant deficits. The only one that could possibly work in a relationship, but extreme difficulties will arise the only cluster personality that is redeemable borderline, but it will come with extreme difficulties and lack of emotionsand emotional regulation, then intensity in which may not be suited for most people, but it is possible
I'm glad you were able to find someone healthy. That should give people hope that it's possible for them too.
Glad to hear it!! 🎉
Totally relate, in a way their sadistic cruelty is a gift as we know there is zero hope after witnessing such detestable wickedness in the face of our human suffering. Lots of insight here thank you, scripture says "they hunt the precious life". People don't believe until they experience it. So glad you are with a good guy now 😀 🙏🏻❤️🕊
We let things roll off of us , like verbally abusive comments bc ...it's almost like ...bc they're not PHYSICAL acts of violence ...you kind of aren't aware they're really abusive until you think about it in retrospect.
If a narcissist says "Everyone else picked up on the fact that I'm bad more quickly than you did. You're so pathetic," that says more about them then it says about you. The answer is "So you intentionally had to seek out someone innocent to abuse?"
That didn't even come close to the worst thing he said. Ultimately, it didn't matter what I said back. I was so insignificant in his mind, no insult I threw at him would have landed. The only way I could hurt him was by leaving since it makes him look bad to be left by such a "pathetic" person. The whole thing was so twisted and sad. It was a hard lesson to learn.
There is no point saying anything back. It's like telling off a shark. They will say horrible, hurtful things, and if you react and say something back, they will just be delighted that you degraded yourself to do so and that you let them have that power. They want to hurt you and control you because it feeds them. They do not feel bad about it. There is nothing to say to a narcissist. Just leave as quickly as possible
@@ProudlyAutisticomg ur story is mine!!! Wow I can't believe I came across your channel !!! You are ME!!
This difficult abuse lots of us go through during different years, mine didn't happen during those years most females look for their boyfriends, it was the big issues of a babysitter and the allistic kids leaving me out of almost everything and not letting me say anything. The only times I've been willing try to speak and help solve a social issue is if the situation is beginning to feel like danger's only a few seconds away unless quickly prevented with bravery. What I had to learn through school experiences with Autism was being loyal yourself doesn't mean the other person will also show you true support.
Yeah, but that's kinda what they do.
That's not gonna be the zinger you think, OP, narcs don't care.
They'd take it as a compliment.
I'm autistic from narcissistic AND autistic parents. My childhood gave me cPTSD.
Bro same. Both my parents are clearly narcissistic and autistic, I was the scapegoat and the abuse was brutal. I tjought it would be better when I grew up but now the chaos of lies, accusing me of things, is just humongous and they have been freezing me out for like 5 years now, I dont get invited to christmas or birthdays any more and my brother pretends he doesnt know me on the street.
Its wild.
I have severe cPTSD aswell, and Ive also been with horrible violent narcissistis in romantic relationships.
I think theres spiritual things behing it. I often wonder what theyre souls are made of.
I don't think an autistic person can be a narcissist. The autistic brain just isn't wired for lying and manipulation. Autistic people tend to be exploited, not exploit.
I have the same exact situation (autistic and narcissistic parents). I went no contact 10 years ago. I also have very bad cPTSD. I hope things are getting better for both of you 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic 🩷🩷🩷
@@tmallws04 I hate the "cure autism" stuff too. I don't think autism was an issue before modern times, with all the electronics, noise, flourescent lights, constant change, having to find work outside the home, competition and duplicity, the public school scene, etc. I like the saying that it's not a sign of mental health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
I keep seeing that autistic kids were treated brutally by their parents. It's a narcissistic culture so there's a lot of narcissists. I was extra work initially, needed speech therapy and my mother made sure I learned the phonics method of reading, knowing I'd never be able to learn in school. But after that I was an easy kid, quiet, reclusive, extremely submissive and obedient. My father was also always trying to undermine me and set me up to pull the rug out from under me, as one person described it.
I think parents go after the autistic kid the worst simply because we're the easiest target. We're easiest to inflict psych control and dominate and exploit. Teachers and adults always told my mother what a great kid I was, always very polite and courteous and good student. My parents were out to destroy me because they could. I was so trusting and no guile and always trying to please and try harder and helpful, and way too trusting and clueless. I thought it was because I was the youngest, that's why my whole family really ganged up on me and dehumanized me. That's part of it, but autism made me an extremely easy target, and easy to control and constantly undermine.
There is a term in medicine about the "identified patient". This occurs in dysfunctional families where they all gang up on one person, accuse them of mental illness, everybody bands together against the "identified patient" who is often actually the most mentally normal and healthy in the dysfunctuonal family.
I've heard it said that bullies are always cowards. They don't go up against somebody who will give pushback. They go against the easiest targets.
What sucks even more is having a narcissist as a parent when you're autistic. Best thing I ever did for myself was break contact.
I have a narcissistic parent too. No contact for over 10 years. Sorry you went through that. I hope things are getting better for you 💛
Same. Broke contact several years ago. Tried to reestablish contact recently only to confirm I was right to cut them off.
@@HannahFields444 Yeah, it seems one of those sad truths in life that the only solution is no contact with narcissists, even with parents.
That was my grandma for me. She only ever said nasty degrading things to my face, but when she talked about me to other people I was just so talented and smart! Because it made her look good to have talented and smart grandchildren, I guess.
@@PhilipWatson Yeah, unfortunately. It's the one psychological issue that patients don't want treatment for. That can be hard to accept.
I am an autistic and went through terrible narcissistic abuse. Everything you say resonates deeply. Idealized, isolated, entangled, gaslighted and devolved deeply into reactive abuse
I'm sorry that we share experiences. I hope things have gotten better for you 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic not yet, but we've only been divorced for five years. (Sarcasm. We really need to fix these courts.) Thanks
Its so sad that my narcissistic ex didn't have to "love bomb" me. I was so young (16 and homeless) autistic, traumatized, neglected and abused and he took advantage of my extreme vulnerability and tried to maintain that power and control over me. I'm sad for our children, who are, very much, a product of my autism and who had to, and have to, endure the pain of having a narcissistic parent AND an autistic parent. I am highly empathetic and empathic and have developed a very large capacity for emotional intelligence, at least.
I was a very physically attractive young woman and I had had so much abuse and expolitation, all ready, before he even met me.
It took me SO LONG to figure out how bad it was and how terribly, I was being treated. I was always "crazy" and he was always "trying to heal me" and gaslighting myself and our children.
I received my cPTSD diagnosis about 6 years before receiving my ASD2 and ADHD combined types diagnosis at 51 (late last year) . Not before raising my tribe of children ( it was 20 years before I left their dad). None of my children are narcissists though, some of them are autistic and ADHD-y and some are bpd-y and two have schizophrenia (the 2 oldest, the younger has ASD2-3 as well) and a couple are diagnosed with cPTSD, as well.
My narcissistic ex wowed me by being in a band and being the band leader and I thought his song lyrics proved he was a good person (how autistic and teenager-y of me) and I got pregnant really quickly to him which trapped me, as I couldn't go to my family for support.
He loved my youngness and my attractiveness but he hated me. I made him look good. But his bass player invited me into the band and he (my baby dadda) ended up hating that I got really good at singing, as he said "you're a better singer than me" (he said this very angrily).
He also had zero empathy when I was dangerously ill, and shamed and blamed me for being ill. I had to have all our babies with zero support. Many, in dangerous inaccessable places (in the bush with no vehicle no power, no phones and terrible access) and I could've died, numerable times. I think he was mad that I didn't die. He resented the children, but, ended up turning many of them against me, when I finally had to leave, due to near-fatal illness.
I have won the majority of our children back through honest kindness, patience and givi g them genuine support, and he has lost their trust as well, but, it has been utter hell, for me and many of my darling children.
Thank you Claire for posting about this very relevant (to me) topic! I gladdens my heart to have peers who "get it" and who take the time to share their own horrible, hellish, corrosive and self and identify injurious experiences of narcissistic abuse. It feels so much less lonely and isolating!
I have been out for 14 years now, but the vicarious abuse and the triangulation and character assassination toward myself and in regards to our beautiful children has never stopped.
I'm glad I finally, have my right diagnosis', as it has helped dispell the shame of it all. I now know I'm not a failure of a neurotypical person, I'm actually a really awesome autistic person! Albeit one who has had a very difficult path. And I am with someone like me, who truly loves me, now. He has been through so much narcissistic abuse too, and like me, he had children with them.
It is very hard because they do their best to estrange you from your own children, to punish you and because they can't help themseves, due to the untreated narcissism.
We both have one estranged adult child each from the triangulation from the other parent.
You are an inspiration and like you, I'm an "out and proud" autistic survivor of childhood and adult narcissistic abuse. You are awesome too!
Thank you so much for your kind words 💛 yes, I think we have quite a bit in common, more than I can speak to publicly in my videos, but your story resonates with me. My ex also didn't have to love bomb me much. He later mocked me, saying how easy I was to manipulate because I was so desperate for love. It's really sick.....
That is an awesome story, so sad yet so inspirational. A great story to share with other hurting people. I'm so glad life has gotten better for you. It gives me vicarious hope.
I am just thinking I might be on the spectrum. I was always a 'truth teller" and could not understand why I would get punished for pointing out the truth. I was scapegoated by narc parents who made my siblings despise me for no crimes, married a narc who alienated my kids from me (I could not fight him in court, I can't think fast enough, and was not able to attain legal help). As a Christian, I could not understand why so-called believers said they loved Jesus but acted more like the devil (now I know that anyone who hates does not know Jesus no matter how much they say they love Him). My narc was a minister and I saw LOTS of narc/sociopaths in the ministry. Most people in my life have found it so easy to point into my face and yell at me... my ex's lawyer, a pastor we served under, etc. I feel I cause people's demons to surface, lol... but not funny. Now I know it is true. God is Who He says He is and He tells us not to trust in people but in Him. He is Everything I need, and He helps me to love others despite their hatred. It IS hatred to say you love God but abuse those who are not as advantaged as you. No wonder those of us undiagnosed autistics are so bewildered with life, and religious people... when you see and speak TRUTH, you are met with abuse. 95% of those in my life were narcissistic, churchy people. My own children hate me because their "Christian", wealthy, Narcissist/sociopath dad abused their minds. All I can do is cling to Faithful and True, and lay all I wanted my life to be at the feet of my Heavenly Father Who actually loves me and cares so much for the brokenhearted. I don't mean to be preachy, just to shed light that the churches are full of fakers. I believe Truth Tellers rock and that we are capable of seeing truth vs lies, and we are braver to reject the lies. And so those who love the lies hate us. So be it. They hated Truth also and crucified Him, so how 'smart' are they really...cling to truth, no matter how the haters rise against us. I believe God loves the honest and shuns the proud. He said the last will be first one day and those who love to be first will be last. Hope. Thank you so much for your sharing.
I had a lot of similar experiences to this, including childhood abuse, narcissistic parent and ND parent, narcissistic partners and CPTSD, with Autistic and ADHD adult diagnoses in the last three years in my late fifties…currently, reeling, healing and dealing with long Covid and losing my job for health and neurodivergent coming out…
Dear, do not blame yourself for an instant. These types are mentally ill at an early life age. Those of us who have experienced the same are present. * Stay strong and know that you are very appreciated.
My ex literally said "I like that you have been abused before" and I was like WTF biggest red flag ever, but for some reason it didnt stop me.
Online he would praise me and be kind most of the time,
but as soon as we met irl, he was so cold, rude, didnt even step out his car, conpletly ignored and crossed the boundaries around intimacy I had set earlier, etc.
He was extremly violent and rude and mean and mamipulative constantly. I had a bruise on my nose for the first 2 weeks there. He cracked my lip before we went to dinner with his friend, so it hurted while I ate and drank, and afterwards when I mentioned it, he laughed.
He laughed when I told my most traumatic memory.
He would tell me things to try to make me feel insecure and uncomfortable constantly.
I fkn hate him. And now hes just out there living, no one knows.
They are truly horrific people. And such blatant liers. No shame. They cannot possibly have a soul.
I'm so so sorry you experienced that 😞
And thank you, I'm so tired of people defending narcissists or telling me I shouldn't speak to things as I'm not a psychologist. If you've truly experienced narcissistic abuse, you know without a question. It is so incredibly twisted and depraved.
I'm so thankful mine wasn't physically abusive, although who knows what would have happened had I stayed. He got very erratic at the end. There were a ton of red flags for me too, sick stuff. He clearly got pleasure from hurting me and putting me down (this video was the G rated version of the relationship).
As terrible as it was, if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else, possibly worse. Unfortunately I had to learn to set boundaries and respect myself before I could find someone healthy. The good news is I did find a wonderful man.
I hope you are healing, it's a journey. Remember, you did nothing wrong 💛
"...such blatant liars. No shame." I agree. People say it's shame based behavior. No it's not. They have no shame.
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you dear 🩷🩷🩷 Im ok now. Hope you are well in all ways too 🩷 Yeah, we who know know, and we also know how increadibly important it is to talk about, and you are clearly very qualified to do so. I really enjoy your content, God Bless 🩷☀️
They hate thruthfullnes.......Their attraction is as follows: They see someone drowning in the sea. So they swim towards him/her.......to drown that person further.
Been in that type of relationship a few times. They always wait until they have you trapped living together before starting the abuse. Then you feel guilty for "running out on them" and you end up staying way longer than you should.
It's disgusting how calculated it is. It's hard for a healthy person to fathom treating someone else this way. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
I had an ex that waited until I gave her a rental agreement that she asked for. She wanted in writing that she was a tenant. She was a perfect angel until then. It wsmas literally the MINUTE I gave her that document she flipped 180 on me.
I went in her room and took the lease away and hid it the next day noticing what was going on. The police got involved within days, she couldn't find the lease, it's a long story but she was arrested it was so bad. Yeah I took the lease away in secret. She deserved it. She stole my shoes on the way out being arrested. She could of put her own shoes on while being arrested but instead takes mine. That's how mental she was.
Exactly this!!!
Yes, lying and manipulation isn't something an autistic person can do. At age 54 I'm finally learning to intellectually understand guile to protect myself. I've watched so many videos on narcissists the past couple years and it's helped soooo much! The autistic mind couldn't be cunning to save one's life, but I'm learning how these minds work, and life is finally going a lot better. :) I wish these videos were around when I was young but better late than never.
This is why I don't understand the ones who say they have parents or spouse that are autistic AND narcissistic??? How can you be both?
We CAN lie and manipulate, it’s just much harder and takes more mental and emotional energy. Most of the time we are lying and manipulating to survive an abusive situation. If we’re happy in life we have no interest in lying and manipulation because it’s not worth the bother.
I have the same situation. It's so antithetical to our way of seeing and being in the world. Narcs see us as stupid suckers. Now it seems like these are the only people I've had in my life.
@@doctorberkowitz Yes, narcs always see their victims as stupid suckers. Thank God I finally realize that. It makes me angry to realize that, and that helps me overcome by default politeness and keep them away from me. And have a healthy caution of people in general. I was way to naive and trusting. I always attracted bad people because I looked like an easy target and somebody easy to railroad, and courteous and just looked "nice", ie, easy target.
@@RebeccaLynne2046 yes, I've questioned that. You can't be both. Narcs want to dominate and exploit others. Autistic people have no desire to do that. And autistic people are on the receiving end of being bullied and exploited and manipulated, not the ones doing it to others.
This video opened a new perspective of a past relationship in a way that I think I can put to rest the investigation of “what tf happened?”
We can be deregulated quite easy if we are not on top of it. It's way worse if you don't even know that you're Autistic or ADHD. I went through this hell for 20 yrs and have left the entity for good as of 3 yrs ago. I have taken a lot of counciling and am in the process of getting my assessment finalized. I personally was an easy target because I was super deregulated and have a huge heart. Two of their favorite fuels! I'm now narc free and always will be. My experience, assessment, self awareness of my Autistic gift and self worth is 100% narc free forever. I wish you all the same! ❤
When I as an autistic person have had narcissistic siblings and mother, this resonates very well.
I'm so sorry you had to live through that. I also have a narcissistic parent and have been no contact for 10 years. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
Me too
💯
Me too :(
Same goes with me
I believe my mother is covert
And my younger brother is a sneaky flying monkey who uses tactics to defend our mother like "I know she's done this and that but it's not that bad", he also falsely accused me of narcissism because I despise liberals (I believe most are as scummy as narcissists)
I'm the golden child yet my mother constantly dismissed my issues
Had a therapist who had NPD. Luckily, my traumas were awhile ago so I survived but it was horrible and I would not wish the pain of it on anyone. Hard when the narcissist is someone you're supposed to be able to trust. Major betrayal trauma and I have worse trust issues than before that therapist. Advice: If it is not good for you, leave immediately. Do not wait or expect that any situation/person is going to change for you. Please don't make that mistake like I did. Just trust me. It was horrible and I don't want anyone else to go through it!
Good advice, both with selecting a therapist and in life. Trust your intuition 💛
I'm so sorry you were treated like that, it's really upsetting to hear x
Thank you for your kind words 💛 It was a very difficult situation. Thankfully I'm in a much better place now.
@@ProudlyAutistic ❤
Wow you gave me the missing piece in the transition of my relationship from best friends to Narcissistic abuse. It happened when I let my homeless "friends" who had lived in a tent ⛺ in my front yard for 6 years into my house when Code Enforcement threatened to charge me $1,000/ day if they didn't leave. They weren't leaving, and I (ya me) couldn't find an alternative residence for them, so I reluctantly moved my stuff outside to let them move in. I set a boundary on how much they could alter my house, but they completely disregarded it, made their own changes, blaming me for their having to do it, and began screaming at me for not appreciating them. For 5 months they have continually ignored my requests and demands for them to leave, abusing my hospitality, and not offering anything in return. So the missing piece is an answer to my question, why the switch? You said it, they got me. Now that I can't get rid of them, they're allowing me to see who they truly are.
I'm glad this was helpful, but I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Wishing you luck as you navigate out 💛
Oh and btw, I've accepted that I am Autistic, which explains my naively believing that because they said they were Christian ministers, their intentions for teaching me how to follow Biblical rules and principles regarding the "correct" way to handle my money were good. Now I understand that they were gaslighting me into providing for them out of my own resources, reframing it as God's blessing me financially for allowing his ministers to live in my yard. Their facade began to break down when I appealed to Code Enforcement for them to stay, saying I was "carrying. them" financially by allowing them access to my utilities. They were livid; now they tell everyone what a liar I am for saying that.
You should be able to call the cops on them or maybe change locks when they are not there and have their crap out on the curb
@@tonyak2446 That's illegal in CA because squatters have rights to stay where they "establish residency."
Key words about narcs: lack of empathy, deceptions, isolating, love bombing, poking at old emotional scar tissue, and extreme selfishness
All that and control. They love that they have control over another person.
@@ProudlyAutistic Yes! They love to control your feelings.
One time I passed out and fell face first into the kerb and took a chunk out of my nose. When I came around, two police officers saw me and they arranged for an ambulance to come - I was very dazed and I had actually fell into a busy road and could have easily been killed by the traffic. I called my wife and told her I was in an accident and an ambulance is coming and asked her to come and she just started complaining that I was disturbing her as she was very busy putting the shopping away. I realised at that moment that she doesn't care a damn about me.
That's horrible. I hope you're divorced now
@jaseman I hope you have moved on and are in a better place now 💛 I had multiple situations like this with the narcissists in my life (more than one unfortunately). Something harrowing could happen and somehow it would go back to a trivial issue. The worst was when a loved one was experiencing a medical emergency, I was in the ER, and "my narcissist" wanted to tell me about a networking event they went to and how important everyone thought they were. Sigh...
Some will do and say such things on purpose very calculated. They know this type of response at the times that you need them the most will cause the most damage emotionally and mentally, which deepens the trauma. This thing alone will stay with you for so many years that it will trigger you from time to time. They know the "right" moments to be the most cruel
Take accountability for making terrible decisions. YOU married her.
@@EverythingLvlI was born to one and i have mild autism
Girl you da GOAT ! Thank you for your channel !
There were so many places I wanted to put a timestamp and respond, this entire video is so hard-hitting. Every point is so accurate and personal. Thank you for putting this out there.
You're welcome. I'm glad it was helpful, I'm sorry it was relatable 💛 I will be creating more videos about narcissism and other tough subjects. It's a difficult balance between darkness and light on this channel....
@@ProudlyAutistic it's a good balance.
I've found your content to be very personal, it's helped me continue to heal and to continue making good decisions right where I'm at moving forward. 🙂
Sometimes, there’s a fine line between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopathy. There’s nothing to gain from dealing with those types of people.
Agree. I think the person I was speaking about is both. I stupidly thought I could change them. Lesson learned.
Sometimes there is a fine line between high functioning autism and narcissism. Many Autistic people attacking their parents for "narcissism" are oblivious to the fact that their parent is merely displaying their Autistic traits.
@@ProudlyAutistic I noticed you utilizing negative self talk/ demeaning words towards yourself when you speak about your relationship with that harmful person. I don't think it's helpful for you to continue to talk about yourself in this manner. You were victimized. Someone took advantage of your kindness. You did not deserve to be taken advantage of. You deserved better. Caring for people, being an empathetic person does not make us stupid. We can learn to be vigilant and be more selective about the people we surround ourselves with, but we are not stupid for the things that bad people do to us.
My sibling who is a narcissist preyed on me just after my husband died leaving me with 3 children. Such a low point in my life and that creature saw it as an opportunity. Gaslighted me so badly I felt like I was going insane. They were so good at it that I came within a hairs breadth of being committed to the psych ward by my family. Even though I had built my parents a house (still haven't been paid back) and was their carer for over a decade as we lived on the same property, my sibling was able to convince them I was losing my mind. I was, but it was from all the gaslighting. A psychologist helped me see what was happening and that I wasn't safe in my own home. So I left. Broke my heart. That was 5 years ago and now I live in an amazing community of supportive caring folk who accept me as I am. One of the best things I ever did
How horrible. And recognizable. Narcicists making me seem to lose my mind, while it is from all the gaslighting...
@suecollins357 I'm so, so sorry that happened. I hope you still have a relationship with your children 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic We regained it but it's fragile. Luckily they want to learn as much as me
I was the invisible child to my grandiose narcissistic mother. I realized this at 42, and at 45 I am not contact with her. I raised her other children for her, and now they don't talk to me. It's my time to shine.
I'm sorry you went through that. I've been no-contact for over 12 years. It's very difficult, but does get easier, kind of. I wish I had had a conventional family experience, but no...
Thanks 🙏🏽 for the info. I’m in my 30’s & going in for an autism testing evaluation. Reading your info I also got ptsd & adhd too. I’ve attracted so many of these narcissists. I think autism could be the culprit tho why I didn’t see the red flags & signs. It’s really wreaked havoc & worsened my sensory issues too. I’m just praying I get some answers & can finally heal from this. Reading the Bible & the Carnivore diet has been very helpful tho, it got me out of the dissociative fog enough to see I’ve been getting abused the past 15 years by this individual & I think as I continue on it more will heal, I’ve healed from endometriosis on it too. I’ve watched testimonies of other autistics & they said it was very helpful as well.
I am so very sorry that you went through that with your horrible ex! Unfortunately, I understand what that's like. You are completely right; once you realize that you're with a narcissist, RUN! Seriously, NOTHING is worth going through that type of sadistic abuse!
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you're in a better place and have found happiness 💛
THANK YOU for speaking about this, I was abused by many narcissists. I believe they target people in the spectrum.
I am baffled by how everytime I get a non-contract, non-internship job (if I even somehow manage to get one at all) I always run into a narcissist/sociopath/manipulator.
I feel like they even hire me because I look like an easy target in the first place, and all the places that aren’t infested with narcissists just reject me because they’re not interested in abusing me.
I hate this life
Basically do not see the good in people. See what people show you….Screen people, watch for in-congruency in their words & behaviors. Know your vulnerabilities & Guard your vulnerabilities. Don’t trust people, that’s 100% confidence. Unrealistic. Take calculated risk and watch people always. Know what to watch for.
Wow... Thank you so much for sharing! I'm sharing this with my girls - on the spectrum - so that they can be aware. ❤️🔥✨
Finally recognising the gaslighting i was experiencing and knowing i was not wrong was when I knew my relationship was over. My ex was never going to change, i was never going to get 'you know what, you are right' from them. Their behaviour since the break up (they've just disappeared into the wind after 15 years together) has only re-enforced that my decision was the correct one.
Thank you for this video.
This may seem strange, but I relate to you. You are genuine. The thing is, your light has been shaded and barriers enacted because of the selfishness and damaged behavior of another homo sapien. Remember this, everyone will hurt you. I will love certain ones, but still walled off. It’s them, not you. Remain who are. I’m pleased that you found someone who is stable and who values you.
Thank you for your kind comment. Yes it took some time to build confidence (I also have a narcissistic parent). I'm in a great place now, with a great partner. Unfortunately I had to go through this process to get there.
Bless you! I have been taken advantage of by narcissists. I have now studied the subject and understand how it all works. Listening to you makes me wonder if I am also autistic! What you describes really hits home with me!
I just turned 74. I had a difficult youth; went into the drug movement of the 1960s; was arrested many times and in and out of jail; and had a hard time functioning or "feeling okay and normal" unless I was on drugs.
Then I was introduced to the Christian faith and found the love of God in Christ was just what I needed. Not only was God's acceptance of me based on what Jesus did on the cross and not my own perfectionist performance, but when I did fail to meet the perceived standard, the forgiveness was there for me as an unearned gift. Since my conversion in 1971, my life has been completely different. I finally started college at the age of 33 and eventually earned the B.A., M.A., and M.Div. degrees. A lot of things I never thought I could do, I discovered that I could do and could even excel at.
Again, blessings to you! Thanks for doing the video!
You must've seen some good bands!
A therapist I saw a while ago gifted me a book "disarming the narcissist". I asked why he gave it to me. He responded "you have a few narcissists in your life." But didn't clarify. I still wonder. I have been hyper focused on autism for 2 years now and found your videos through a collab you did.. I just watched this video and your other one on why NT people think Autistic people are narcissists to see if I could understand more why he gave me that book.
You framed narcissism and NPD much clearer than the book and many other videos Ive seen. Thank you so much for your videos.
I am so sorry you went through this, and had a narcissistic parent. I'm glad you're healing and hope many can learn from your experiences.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad the videos were helpful. Good luck on your journey 💛
Tw do you want the truth/real reason - similarities of asd & npd? *self centered *no self insight *lack of empathy guilt & shame avoidance *autistic subjective thinking *immature defense mechanisms e.g idealisation or splitting.. Asd have access to positive feelings but may not understand them. Npd have cognitive empathy/ asd lack mind theory. ND never mention their dx online & they - wrongly- defined empathy narcissist etc. Coatches+online psychologists target ND & that s why they suddenly discovered narcissism. I feel deceived thinking 2 decades ND is some alternative way of thinking. & if it is then psycop*thy npd etc are identities too. You even beleive ppl are jealous of you!..& that you re "next stage of evolution" (you are. In future robotic world. Good luck)
Thank you for saying "You should never work out deception." I've been on the fence with wanting to go back to my ex but I need to remember not to accept his initial deception, which he has never apologized for. Also, that they never loved you. Thanknyou
I'm sorry you're going through this. As autistic people, we are consistently told that we are not enough. We accept mistreatment because we've been conditioned to believe that's what we deserve. As a result we often accept the scraps that come our way. You deserve so much more. There is a wonderful person out there, waiting for you. I hope you take the time to understand why this happened so that you can stop the cycle. Brighter days are ahead. Good luck 💛
Pity should never be stronger than intelligence and self preservation/ respect.
Don’t grant people access because you empathize with them.
Such great advice. Unfortunately, empathy and kindness has led me on many bad paths. We need to remember that not everyone has the same perspective or agenda.
@ my advice is meant to be a truth you should strive to adapt for your self care and navigation in a brutal world. 🌎. Kindness & empathy must be selective given to people who meet a high standard, not liberally to everyone who will abuse such a luxury.
Hi Karen! I found you yesterday over on Orion Kelly's channel when I watched a video with you and him. I was so interested in you I had to come and check out your channel!
I've already watched quite a few of your videos, and I relate so much to the things you talk about. What really first connected for me was that in your interview with Orion, you talked about being raised by a narcissistic parent, and the narcissistic abuse you endured growing up. This is what happened to me! I only found out about narcissistic abuse about 7 years ago, and it answered so many questions about what happened to me as a child, and the true nature of my abuse. My mother is a malignant narcissist who tried everything in her power to completely annihilate me on a soul level. She also got the other members of my immediate family to follow along, and as the scapegoat I was subjected to their ridicule and contempt, also.
I am 60 years old, and was just diagnosed with autism 4 months ago. I have suspected it for a long time, so to have it confirmed was has been validating, and also explains a lot about why I have struggled so much with EVERYTHING in my life.
I understand now that I have C-PTSD from childhood narcissistic abuse, and also from trying to navigate life as an undiagnosed (unaccomodated) autistic, along with all of the resulting bullying and exclusion I've experienced all my life. So many puzzle pieces finally coming together!
Thank you for providing a community here for us to get together and feel understood! ❤
Thank you so much for reaching out! Yeah, it's funny with narcissism. Some of us go so long without knowing what it is. And then when we finally understand it, everything makes sense.
For me, I was actually the golden child until I got married and tried to live a life less dependent on my narcissist. They got progressively more abusive, at which point I became the scapegoat. They did very mean, hurtful things, just to dig at me. For example, when I expressed interest in a different (less prestigious) career path immediately following a job loss and prior to the birth of my oldest child, they canceled their plans to visit and help the week of the birth. Why? The decided to finally schedule an elective surgery that they had debated for over 10 years. This elective surgery prevented them from seeing their grandchild until a month following their birth. The reality was they were hung up on me working in a specific field and couldn't stand the thought of me doing something that wasn't their idea. That kind of stuff. It eventually was too much and I went no contact.
Instead of seeing the situation for what it is, my whole family enabled the narcissist and turned against me for being "mean" and no longer choosing to engage with an abusive personality. It's unfortunate, but necessary for my mental health. I hope things are getting better for you. It's a journey 💛
Great video! glad you made it out of that😁
Thank you! Yes, life lesson I had to learn unfortunately.
Wow, that was such an informative video. So spot on with every point and I have watched many narc videos. I am so glad you made that distinction between NPD and narc trait possessors. The term 'Narcissist' as a catch-all label is so over-blown these days, as you pointed out.
I haven't been diagnosed Autistic but had considered that I could be in the past - but I rejected following it up. The only reason I did that is because I can take a joke, even be extremely funny - so some say - and I thought that was a sign that I could not be. Turns out that is not true. Someone at work recently asked me if I was on the spectrum and I took the online Baron Cohen test and it was positive - just. The more I watch ASD videos the more I believe I am likely Autistic Level 1. My whole life is proof of ASD as well as someone who has suffered trauma from narcissistic abuse.
Thanks once again for your channel. I will defo' subscribe. Keep up the good work.
I have Asperger's and have a narcissist sibling who I went no contact with a few years ago, life is much better.
Asperger's doesn't exist anymore
I also feel that most of our psychological conditions are also physical disorders first...I know a lot of people who show signs of narcissistic behavior are also hiding drug use...the people are detached from their emotional centers unless they are giving themselves more drugs.. they only feel good when they are on drugs and when they are at work or at other places... they feel cold. I know really old guys who think they are fabulous but no... they run other people's lives into the ground.
Having to take psychiatric medicines to make it through the day from all the narcissistic abuse I have received over my life. 😢
Wszystkie uzależnienia wyostrzają u człowieka cechy narcystyczne, od alkoholu, narkotyków, pornografii, hazardu, gier komputerowych, mediów społecznościowych itd., ponieważ osoba uzależniona jest sfrustrowana, że jest niewolnikiem nałogu, przez co skupia się tylko na sobie i na głodzie jest zdolna zaspokoić swój nałóg nawet kosztem innych. To jest błędne koło, ale jeśli uda się z niego wydostać, to cechy narcystyczne stopniowo zanikają. Byłem uzależniony przez wiele lat od pornografii, teraz już prawie rok czasu jestem od tego wolny i dostrzegam jak zmienia się moje myślenie, że więcej myślę o innych. Niestety też mam prawdopodobnie zaburzenia ze spektrum autyzmu i ludzie odbierają mnie jako patologicznego narcyza, bo jestem egocentryczny w rozmowach z nimi, ale ciężko mi kłamać czy manipulować, nie wyobrażam też sobie, żeby mnie mógł ktoś okłamywać lub manipulować mną przez co często padałem ofiarą manipulatorów, szczególnie kiedy coś od kogoś kupowałem, potrafili mi wcisnąć popsuty sprzęt lub podrobione produkty. Aczkolwiek zdarza mi się kłamać, ale nie po to, żeby kogoś oszukać i odnieść jego kosztem korzyść, tylko po to, żeby uniknąć np. kolejnego spotkania lub konsekwencji, bo jestem bardzo introwertyczny.
Ooof! I am so glad you survived and got away. After my latest breakup had been reached, I had a heart episode, possibly a heart ataack. I called 911 to inquire about symptoms and they sent an ambulance. I went out on my own, was hooked up and monitored until recovered enough. Then I went back inside alone. This was in the middle of a Friday night. My 'partner' woke up, saw the ambulance outside our home, thought it must be for me, then went back to bed. Such an awful, and yet validating experience.
Wow, I'm so sorry! That is so incredibly terrible. It's situations like that though that can provide the needed clarity. I hope that you're in a much better place now 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic Thank you, I am for a couple years now. Still obviously working through a lot. Thank you also for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you for this. This was my mother. I married someone just like this as well. It took me years to figure it out, so glad I got out. It still makes me sick to think about what I put up with. Sorry for what you had to go through but you have probably helped a lot of people with this video. ❤
I'm sorry you endured that. I also had a narcissistic parent, which sadly normalized the behavior. I hope you're in a better place now. Thank you for the kind words 💛
Thank you for this precious clip
Thanks for making this video. It’s nice to hear that the progress is unlikely to be reversed
Thank you so much, Karen ❤
Imagine this plus having a father which is a narcissist and emotionally neglected me and gaslighted me since 13. I fell for my ex's tricks completely, he pretended to be vulnerable and to have never had any attention of any girl and feel so sad about it, he told me about the bullying he'd suffered etc. Me, also having been heavily bullied in school felt very bad for him and ended up initially only having sex with him because I felt bad not to after everything he told me and because he walked me home after parties, and he made it seem like it was very mean to have him walk me home and then not give him anything back like. Although I didn't want anything serious with him, because I always felt there was something off with him, he ended up convincing me that I was being a terrible person not wanting to formally date him, so I ended up giving in to that as well. It was the worst 4 years of my life, I still have so many traumas and insecurities because of it, in particular relating to sex or being cheated on, since he always made "jokes" about finding a better girl or being with someone else. This, combined with the abuse and abandonment from my father has left me finding it extremely difficult to trust anyone. My current partner is an angel, but I often have dreams where he cheats on me or lies to me or taunts me with other girls. I feel in the need to ask him like 100 times per day if he still loves me and will not abandon me and I'm always anxious when he goes out, thinking he might cheat on me. I don't want to be unfair or toxic, but I really can't prevent feeling so insecure and jealous, although he handles it with a lot of patience, I feel bad for being so annoying sometimes.
I'm in a very similar situation. I also have a narcissistic parent, which meant I went into adulthood not fully realizing how abusive and dysfunctional the behavior was. Thankfully I'm in a wonderful relationship now, but I spent years trying to sabotage it. I'm glad you finally found a good one too.
Wow. I appreciate your clear candor.
this video helped me so much. thank you! i am currently in a narcissistic marriage and planing on how to leave my narcissist. cant wait to get out. they are sick damaged shells that resemble what once were human beings
Good luck 💛 it's hard, but necessary. Just stay safe. Reach out to a domestic violence center if needed. They can provide guidance and possibly provide resources. In my case, I loaded up on gift card credit cards every time I got groceries. I used those cards to buy things I needed as part of my escape. I moved all important possessions to a friend's house slowly for safe keeping. I was very careful about email (he still hacked his way in somehow and read letters to my attorney). Get a secondary email if needed and be careful what devices you access it from. I got trapped in an apartment lease and couldn't get out even after I explained the situation to the leasing department. A DV center could have helped me had I known to contact them at the time. Seriously, contact them if needed. They've seen it all and might give you good ideas. Obviously watch which phone you use if that's a concern. Or get a burner phone with the gift cards. Good luck 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic i changed most of my passwords. hid my money savings. my husband is the vulnerable narcissist type so i doubt he would physically harm me but i dont trust him at all because he can be very hateful and vindictive. i have a lot of dirt on him and can ruin his life if i want so maybe he knows that? i am moving to a domestic shelter soon and then going to rent an apartment. finances are not an issue thank god but i still need a few things from him that are not money related so i hope i can stick around long enough get them then i am outta here lol
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Pain and injury "is" the safe word in any situation. Am ❤ing your channel and honesty.
I was strangled by one in the past and even the police didn’t want to help me. They took out my stuff out of my house and I had to go after it myself. I ve been followed for years, also by his family and siblings. Nobody helps! They don’t know what narcissistic behavior is. And I never got 100% rid of my PTSS. After dat I got Involved with more people with narcissistic behaviors. And until four years ago I hadn’t heard about this. Two years ago I was diagnosed with ASS. And now I understand why those situations happened to me. Why I always got involved in these unhealthy relationships. It explains a lot!
I'm so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that. I'm glad you finally have answers, both with diagnosis and understanding of NPD. That's a huge step to healing and setting boundaries. I'm hoping you find genuine love and happiness in this next chapter 💛
I have been hyper focusing on your content for 24hrs. Thank you, you are incredible. I have recently discovered I am Audhd, waiting for official diagnosis. Putting all of the puzzle pieces of my life together retrospectively is strangely enlightening and liberating. I was in a marriage for 20 years with a NPD person and even now, with cPTSD as a result, plus Autism and ADHD, I look back and feel happy that the marriage experience made me who I am. However, I get an uncontrollable rage when I come across an NPD person in the midst of a relationship, I really struggle with not going straight to point Z and have to really hold back my emotions. I can't thank you enough for your candour, honesty and authenticity.
Thank you so much for your support, sorry I'm only just responding now. I'm so glad you got out 💛
Have no guilt, have no fear against these people. They are a paper tiger who neglect long-term delf responsibility. Their "misfortunes" is their own making and can be fixed easily if they want.
Spend your well earned time and energy for the pure-heartened 😌
Thank you, this! They were victims at one point. However, choosing to not seek help and instead, preying on others out of insecurity is a choice.
How do you leave when it is your mother? I feel trapped because all of my brothers and sisters have left, my father has died, and her brothers and sisters have all walked away, as well as any friends.
I also have a parent with NPD and have gone no contact. I will make a video about this in the future. Ultimately what helped me leave is the recognition that my parent really didn't care about me. They cared that I inflated their ego, but they didn't actually care about me as a person. I also recognized that their contributing to my having life did not entitle them to abuse me unapologetically. At some point, simply being "family" isn't enough. It's sad. I recognize that my parent is very alone right now, but that is their own doing. They could have tried to meet me half way. They chose their ego over me and their grandchildren. That says everything. I wish you luck as you navigate this, it's difficult 💛
Yes this is difficult
@@ProudlyAutistic yes it is difficult...
Karen, THANK YOU for making this video. I’m new to your channel, but just subscribed! Sorry to make my first comment a rant, but I can’t condense my thoughts on this topic 🙈
Firstly, I am so sorry you had such a horrific experience. I know it probably wasn’t easy to make this video. I want you to know how grateful I am for authentic PSAs like yours. Knowledge about how to recognize and respond to abuse is globally lacking, and that enables and prolongs so much pain and loss around the world. And you are totally right, autistic people are disproportionately victims of abuse so your story and educational content are extremely important.
I do want to make some notes for anyone else who reads this though.
My experience was very different from Karen’s, and it wasn’t until I listened to an episode of Dr. Kirk Honda’s podcast/TH-cam channel, Psychology in Seattle, on domestic abuse that my situation really clicked for me and a fire lit under my ass to do whatever it took to get out for good. As an autistic person, it took really specific and nuanced language that didn’t overdramatize or make blanket statements for me to see the abuse happening in my life.
I recommend anyone who is scared or just wants to be educated about the broader presentations of abuse to look at his content, but two important takeaways for me were:
1) People who have diagnosable personality disorders are relatively uncommon, but abuse is common. So most abuse is being committed by more outwardly normal/functional people. And not all people with diagnosable personality disorders do commit abuse or have empathy impairments as horrendous as Karen’s awful ex.
2) The personality disorders often linked to abusive behavior (besides maybe antisocial) are also fundamentally characterized by very real emotional anguish (often coming from a distorted lens of reality, but the person is not always aware of that). That DOES NOT excuse abusive behavior and abusive relationships get worse over time 99.99% of the time so if you are in one, you *need to find a way to leave*. But for us autistic folks that are hyper-empathetic, it can be extremely hard to recognize that their pain truly is not our fault or responsibility to fix when we are trying so hard to be a good partner and help them when they’re hurting.
One last thing: Gabby Petito’s story and the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp saga are two other particularly sad but illuminating case studies of how abuse and personality pathology can cooccur, if anyone wants to deep-dive into some other anecdotes.
Rant over! I am so happy to hear you are in a lovely relationship now, Karen (I am too)! I hope everybody in the channel community stays safe out there, because every single one of you deserve safety and peace.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. They are so cruel I feel sorry for them. “Always leave, yesterday”👏
I'm in a much better place now. Yes, always leave. They won't change for you.
Thank you for the video, thank you for your channel and for your kind advice!!
This is so true. 💯💯💯
thank you... you helped me to see similar patterns in how i have also been treated in the past
Some narcissists have psychopathic traits as well. Lacking empathy and love for anyone else. Very dangerous. My narcissist ex husband is completely unaware he's broken. Less in your face about it. But same gas lighting, same bad behavior I gave excuses for. Same bullshit I should have left him over. But I had 3 kids and wanted to make things work. So damaging, so irritating. I'm so sorry you too went through this trauma.
Yeah mine had more going on too. You know, he actually admitted to pondering whether he was a psychopath and I STILL didn't get the hint it was time to go. I'm glad you escaped. I hope you're in a much better place now 💛
Just found your videos. I was in a relationship with someone who I don't think was completely narcissistic but did some of these things to me, though not the worst like you describe. He took advantage of me and I ended up doing many, many things for him, but he never reciprocated. He wanted to be taken care of, but was mean the one time I had a medical procedure and he was helping me. Luckily it was a minor procedure, so I really didn't need his help. I really came to hate him, after the fact. But it was hard to break it off, which I finally did with support from a therapist. She recommended I change my locks, too. I'm learning finally, not to be so empathetic. Going for reciprocity in all relationships, and no one will ever sweep me off my feet again, either. At this point I'm not interested in a romantic relationship. Friendships only and then only with people who have some empathy, reciprocity, etc.
Thanks for pointing out specific ways/reasons autistic people can get taken advantage of. Interesting that sometimes autistic people are accused of being narcissistic because of the communication style of giving examples from our own lives when someone opens a conversation and also not showing what we are feeling in the ways allistic people do. That's a superficial and inaccurate reading of narcissism, yours goes into much more depth.
Another problem of mine is what I call being an internalizer. (Everything is my fault/guilt) As opposed to being an externalizer (the person has a bad feeling and looks around for someone else to blame). This describes another bad relationship with someone who was also autistic, though neither of us knew it at the time. This was also hurtful, but not like with a narcissist. When I left that relationship, my self-esteem got way better since being blamed for everything is very bad for a person. Both these were some years ago. We learn from our mistakes.
I'm glad you got out. It's a challenge dating after a relationship like this. For me, I swung too hard the other way, becoming very hardened and suspicious of kindness. You remind me of me when you say "no one will ever sweep me off my feet again." I eventually found a wonderful person, but I put him through so much for the first few years. It was sooo hard to trust again. I hope things get easier for you 💛
Been there… I can remember the hurtful things but it is still hard and exhausting to talk about. But we are so strong! Brilliant topic Karen👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 really, really well addressed👏🏻👏🏻
Thank you 💛 I'm sorry you went through this as well. I hope you are in a better place now.
thank you so much.
My ex girlfriend would go to great lengths to manufacture problems in the relationship, and do exactly everything she knew passed me off trying to get a rise out of me so she could point the finger and go see! Look! He's getting mad!
She also started acting like a child and throwing tantrums if she didn't get her way. If I told her no she escalated and escalated until she pretended to have a mental illness. She accused me of being a psychopath because "I didn't care about her" which was translated as "my manipulation isn't working on you"
She fought and fought to not move out, called the police, the internet company, parking bylaw, went to therapists and psychologists who gave her terrible advice. I could see it playing out she would get this advice from somebody "just talk it out with him and explain how you feel" she would try and I would stop her and go "excuse me I didn't consent to having this conversation im not interested in talking to you" and she wouldn't know what to do and start freaking out again. Everything was a game to her. Everything was just another chance to try to "win" or get revenge. She tried getting back at me so many times when I just wanted her to leave. I couldn't ignore her hard enough. She accuses me of being abusive because I wouldn't talk to her. Every time I tried it was immediately another attempt to manipulate me. What a wreched soul she was. She let darkness and hatred absolutely destroy her. She could not just let it go and move on.
And remember the original grievance that caused this 9 month long war in my house was me telling her "no". And then standing my ground no matter what she tried pulling to force me to give in and let her have her way.
Everything she wanted she could have just done easily herself but no, she HAD to MAKE me do it for her.
I'm sorry you went through that. I hope you're in a much better place now.
i was in love with someone and when we broke up my narcissistic family got me believing it was all my fault. when he was actually abusive. my other ex got people believing that i am the narcissist :( i made mistakes but i felt like he had a lot of power and put me down a lot
I'm so sorry. I hope you're in a better place now. Surviving narcissistic abuse, especially within the family is challenging. FYI, I also have a narcissistic parent and have been no contact for 12 years. It was incredibly difficult, but critical for my mental health.
100%. Thank you
Awesome video. Everything is on point. I had to learn these things later in life after getting a bitter taste.
It's a difficult thing to experience. It's hard to trust again, but possible. I hope you're doing better now 💛
My mother was autistic in my opinion, I've recently been diagnosed, my older brother is a narcissist...
My father likely has bpd and takes on traits he sees from the people he works with etc.
They broke up when i was 2.
My father even admitted using me as a sexual object. As in he gets sex from presenting his kids in a manner.
My mother died when I was 17 so my father sort of had to atleast take me in. Atleast an hours drive away.....
Since I self diagnosed autistic, he's been using that as a way of relinquishing responsibility any further etc...
I lived with him about 2 years. One year at 17 another year in a caravan at 22...
I'm 33 years old and have moved 17 times since I was 16...
Ive spent the last 4 years in a county I haven't lived in for 16 years...
Just got disability 6 months ago... Not much... I stopped working around that time....
I developed diabetes at 23...
My dad is a workaholic tbf
I'm sorry that you have faced so many challenges. I hope things stabilize for you soon. I suspect that many of us with autistic parents (it is genetic) had another parent who was abusive or otherwise problematic.
That exhibition of cruelty when he stepped over you in an exaggerated way whilst you had an emergency and have fallen to the ground. That's when I feel you, how cruel and unconditionally selfish, narcissistic and manipulative people are. You can treat them with the best kindness and help you are capable of and still people like us mean sometimes less than an object to them.
thank you 🌸 for this video
Good topic
Thank you 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic I’m so sorry for what you went through. You deserve all the love. 💚
My father is also a narcissistic person and psychologically ill. I have experienced dangerous episodes living with him during two and a half years. For personal reasons I prefer to forget him.
This is so validating! 💝
Yes yes yes 🙌🏽
Also the thing about narcissists is, don't expect them to be a good person and you won't be disappointed. They are good for social conduits.
I suppose. I rather avoid them completely as they are so manipulative.
@@ProudlyAutistic Ignoring them completely is like ignoring a big portion of society which also has a big influence over majorities like voting etc
@@Tom78890I agree. Voting is basically the act of being a willing narcissistic supply. They're who create our laws and also the ones who enforce them. We can avoid fostering close intimate relationships with them but we can't avoid them completely.
I asked my covert ex what is love? She said " it's an emotion".
She used to always tell me I have to love myself first, and she had no concept of what it was.
Neither did I until a couple of months ago.
I know what it is and isn't now thanks to her.
It's a hard lesson to learn. I'm so sorry you went through that. Best wishes moving forward 💛
As an Austic person who has also suffered through abuse, I want to clarify that there is no such thing as “Narcissistic Abuse” just abuse. Autistic individuals can be just as abusive as BPD’s, NPD’s, or any other disordered behavior. Which a commonality of personality disorders is C-PTSD and is argued for causation. I’m glad you are safe now from him and in a loving relationship. NPD’s can feel love and I will argue that continued stigmatization of another neurodivergent group when us Autistics are still being stigmatized for lack of empathy and incapable of love is unhelpful for all of us. Just be aware that there are some NPD’s out there who were severely traumatized and getting help that don’t need the stigma or bullying.
Those seeking help represent a very small percentage of those with NPD. Many narcissists will have a point in their lives when someone urges them to get help. They usually refuse. I have lived with narcissists for over 30 years of my life before I found the courage to break the cycle. I'm extremely well versed on this topic and have no sympathy for grown adults who choose to use their childhood as an excuse for abusing others.
I love my dog more than anything in the universe, except my boyfriend. I would literally jump in front of a car or train or whatever for my dog, so this man definitely has no idea what love is if he even talks about "liking" a pet.
My ex boyfriend also tried to exploit all my triggers and insecurities for his own pleasure in making me go crazy once he felt he had me secured. I really don't know why he did it, because it didn't seem to have a clear objective, only observing how I got anxious or jealous snd making me suffer. I suppose it made him feel powerful and desired. He also always managed to make me feel like I was being hysterical and stupid and overreacting to things, and I always felt so dumb afterwards, because I ended up believing he was right and I was the crazy one. They're just masters in manipulation.
Same. I'm sorry you had to live through that.
I notice in the comments that some people are saying that they had relationships with people/parents who were both autistic and narcissistic. I'm not sure if those two things can go together.
For a while I thought my dad was narcissistic and knew he had Tourette's and likely ADD. When I discovered I was autistic, I realized he was, too. He needed lots of down time/time for himself. We were poor and lived in a very small house. He frequently melted down. He talked on and on. All the things he did that I found hurtful I now attribute to autism. He was empathic, for one thing and also not manipulative. But he had five children and a job unsuitable for someone autistic, so he was frequently in crisis. He tried not to show it. It's a miracle he survived. I always knew he loved his family but his way of showing it was to sacrifice his time in a job that was horrible. He did show it in other ways, too.
Only when autistic person routinely starts using alcohol to mask anxiety and meltdowns, that's when narcissism occurs and it's always pointed towards the people who they already know, but never against authority and never towards random strangers.
The longer they use alcohol, it's more impossible to ever stop as they adopt effects of alcohol as something that makes them normal (??), while neurotypical person drinks to forget past or for fun.
Once the autistic person starts with alcoholism, they get stuck in magic circle forever, brainwashing and exploiting their family and friends until everyone starts avoiding them.
@@democratictotalitariansoci1462 I agree with your assessment- but I can point out another situation where an autistic individual can become a narcissist- when they join or are born into a cult. My mom is a late diagnosed autist and my grandmother joined the cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses when she was only 4-5 and my mom never escaped the cult. A cult member uses the cult in MUCH the same way an alcoholic uses alcohol in the way you described. People tend to focus on narcissistic cult leadership, but fail to recognize that many of the members are attracted to the cult due to thier own narcissistic or autistic qualities. When an autist joins a cult they become narcissists as well.
I believe having an autistic brain can make a person more vulnerable to the cognitive distortions of NPD, especially the vulnerable narcissism presentation. What I mean is I think autism and narcissism are not incompatible in one person. I have a parent who has both.
I read online that autism now can be diagnosed by MR and also by studying a complex of genes. In the future maybe there will be MR and genom screening for narcism too (or does it exist already?). I hope there will be diagnostic ways and treatments for all invaliding or hurtfull neuro traits in the future.
I'm not sure. You're born with autism. Narcissism is born from trauma. It's created. So I don't know how it can be tested per se. However, if you spend a good amount of time with someone, it's kind of obvious. The bigger issue for narcissism is intervention in childhood, while there's still time to correct course.
I dated a guy who turned out to likely be a narcissist. Got a feeling that he was hiding something. I totally put my feelings aside for him thinking he was emotionally suffering. The way he talked about one of his exs always struck me as odd. I decided to reach out to her after I broke up with him over some cruel behavior. I got injured and he didn't care instead he sent me pictures of himself looking for phrase and attention. Turns out she had dumped him a few months before, so this explained his attention seeking behavior I had not seen before, she was the one that he got praise for how handsome he was all the time. without her he had to get all his supply from me and that mask dropped and I saw him for who he was and I ended things. He lied to me saying he had broken up with this person more than a year before we got together. She had some horrific stories to tell and if she had been more unlucky she would be dead. She had a seizure in front of him and he did nothing pretended he didn't know because he was playing a video game.
Get out when you can people it is dangerous.
I'm so glad you got out and I'm glad you only endured it for a few months. As you said, it would have gotten dangerous. I hope you're in a much better place now 💛
Yeah, mine had such nasty things to say about all his exes (and he had a lot). That's such a flag, but it didn't register with me. Instead I felt bad for him. So stupid!
@@ProudlyAutistic not stupid to feel bad. Stupid if you kept making that mistake. Now look at you, you've helped others understand such an amazing video. Compassion isn't stupid. But it takes us some time to learn. And we learn a lot when we share our experiences. Your video helped me connect more dots. Thank you
In my marriage,as an undiagnosed Neurodivergent, I was terribly abused by my narcissistic ex-husband. You are so right that this issue really needs to be focused on…… our deficits can really set us up to be narcissistically damaged. At the end, he was sadistic and revealed his contempt for me.
Yes, the less control mine had over me, the worse he got. I also have a narcissistic parent, same thing. I'm so glad you got out. I hope you're doing better now 💛
Yes🎉
I think I continue to struggle with attracting narcissists because it's hard for me to see the differences between what is described as narcissism (wanting to feel important, wanting people to manage their emotions, gaslighting, focus on image in relationships, etc.) and generally accepted behaviors in society. I think this is why many people throw around the term narcissism, because what is described is true of most people I come across- it all feels the same. Is it right to assume that society is inherently narcissistic? If not, what exactly are the differences we should look for that will tell us if someone actually is narcissistic?
Yes, society is inherently narcissistic. Watching out for your own interests and projecting confidence are pretty basic self preservation techniques. However, this is NOT narcissistic personality disorder.
As far as things to look out for.....aside from the stuff everyone talks about like gaslighting..... constant "jokes"/comments at your expense, suggesting mental illness when you assert yourself, implying you are too incompetent to do even basic things (my narcissist used to criticize the way I loaded dishes for example), stuff like that. It's all about control. Covert narcissists act like victims, everything is someone else's fault or done to them. They constantly criticize and suck the energy out of the room with their negativity and passive aggressive behavior.
It can be confusing for us. Neurotypicals have much different priorities in regards to how they communicate and what they value. So for us, it's easy to assume we're "wrong" and just go with the flow in an effort to fit in. The problem is that this fawning behavior can make us normalize things we shouldn't and blur our boundaries. Moral of the story, listen to your instincts!
Good luck 💛
I pretty much know dad was a narcissist. The real problem is I think mum is either on the spectrum or a narcissist as well, I don't know which but many times she was so uncaring for no reason I could ever discern. She was also willfully ignorant (most of my life and still is)of everything around her even when informed.
My situations was the same (narcissist and suspected autistic). I think that my autistic parent was so deep in trauma that they didn't know how to assert themself. If you haven't, look up the concept of "safe parent." That might be helpful for you 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic thanks will have a look.
Now I understand why I dated so many narcissists.
Yeah, we definitely attract people who want to take advantage of us. It's difficult when we struggle with boundaries. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
As an undiagnosed autistic and a diagnosed ADHD, I do have some Narcissistic traits and I hate this about me but I do tend to be selfish and have people walk around egg shell metaphor
A true narcissist needs to control others. They know they are being hurtful to others and they don't care. In fact, they probably enjoy it. Most people with random narcissistic traits aren't this cruel. The fact that you acknowledged and dislike your behavior tells me you're most likely not NPD, so please don't be too hard on yourself. It's just an opportunity to learn how to manage your challenges better.
tge constant cycle of afgirmation/defamation gives me heart palpitations this is why i keeo to myself
Definitely an eggshell relationship. Unfortunately I grew up in a similar environment so I couldn't clearly see how wrong it was. Plus I desperately wanted acceptance. I made so many excuses.
thank you
I got caught by one for 7.5 months. It wasn't until 2 weeks after I ended things due to her cheating on me that I realised I'd been subjected to 7.5 months of emotional abuse.
Feeling very stupid right now...
Don't feel stupid. You learned a valuable lesson. Be thankful you got out when you did. Many are not that lucky.
People with NPD can display and understand empathy. At a cold and exclusively cognitive level they can put themselves in the shoes of another person and even have an idea of what the other person could be feeling but they are incapable of feeling any real emotional empathy or compassion.
Absolutely! And they exploit that skill to deceive their victims.
🖤
A narcissist gets too many secondary gains by being narcissistic to feel any impetus to self reflect or seek out therapy.
Even when they don't, when their supply turns on therm, they reframe it as if something was wrong with the other person to avoid accountability. I have a narcissistic parent who has chosen not to have a relationship with me or my children as doing so would require taking responsibility and acting like an adult.
My "covert" Narc Ex knew from the first time we met about all my trauma. One of the many was being cheated on. So- he only told me weeks after being in a relationship that he's had an affair with a married woman and even a child with her. This wasn't the only problem and when asking him why he didn't tell me, he said: "Then you wouldn't have wanted to be with me." Since knowing I'm autistic, ai'm so angry. I wasn't his only victim and the worst is that he's a member of a socialist-feminist Organisation for almost half his life and this is how he got our trust. I reported him about two years ago and guess what? He's still a member, they didn't kick him out and he's still there on demos on International Women's Day, grinning into the camera and claiming to fight for our rights
That's horrible. Yeah they have no shame. The biggest lesson for me was to realize they genuinely do not care about anything but themselves. They definitely don't love. I hope you're in a better place now 💛
That sounds😢 like my ex husband, exactly like him.
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got out, not everyone can. I hope that you're in a much better place now 💛
Thank you for sharing this story, it was very difficult to hear. I have been recovering from a relationship since mid last year regarding this and I still can't make complete sense of it, even when I can, I can't. I'm so much happier in myself now but it will take time to heal. I hope and pray the next man I meet is one of the good one's 🙏🙏 You're a very strong woman, that's for sure 🩷
I don't think it's possible to make sense of it as a rational person because your motivations are fundamentally different. From experience, I'd recommend being really real with yourself as to why you ended up in that situation. Why do you go after certain people and what are the red flags? Anticipate that the right person might feel uncomfortable initially (we tend to have insecure attachment styles so healthy relationships can seem alien). I knew my partner Matt was right for me on our first date, but it took me about two years to stop trying to sabotage the relationship. Best of luck, just be patient and kind to yourself 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic As well as being rational people we are also human and to be human is to be vulnerable, open, honest and willing to let someone hold a piece of your heart. I've learned the person I was with didn't and doesn't know what that is, it's alien to him, despite the fact that what he represented to me was the opposite of that. Though I'm fully aware that the red flags were there from the beginning. I, being the deeply empathetic person that I am chose to see past those insecurities and instead nurture them, without questioning what they were or feeling I had the right to. That ties into a whole host of things autism related and past trauma related but since beginning my journey to my assessment I have learned an incredible amount about myself and what lends me to certain situations in my life. I've gained a new found strength (though I'm still working on my self esteem in the process of course) and with this, I'm much more self aware. Can I say I won't be taken in by another narcissist? No, like nobody else can and that's because as we know, they are master manipulators, so much so that even Neurotypical people are sadly taken in by them too. However, I do have better tools to work with and a whole lot less willingness to accept any more crap in life from someone who doesn't lend themselves to me in a wholesome and loving way. Bit by bit I'm healing and with that I hope I will accept as you said that initially new uncomfortable good love and make it the new normal comfortable love that I know I deserve. That would be really good 🩷
You seem like you're creating a great foundation for your future. And while yes, there are still narcissists out there, you'll be able to spot the manipulators much easier now. If anything, you may swing the other way, fearful that even innocent misunderstandings have ulterior motives behind them. I know I would pick fights with Matt because I had a hard time knowing what was real. It took a long time to trust that what you see is what you get with him. My advice is to take it slow and give yourself a lot of grace. The right person will wait for you 💛
@@ProudlyAutistic You hit the nail on the head. My fear now is like you said, swinging the pendulum the other side and mistrusting in what is an innocent gesture of affection or warmth towards me as something sinister or as having an ulterior motive. I'm aware this will most likely come up in my next relationship but I'm also aware of where it comes from and so I do have control of that and most importantly, I can communicate that to my next partner. Communication is key, I thoroughly believe that. I'm hopeful I won't find myself in that place for too long because I do not want to self sabotage my own future happiness. I know in time I will heal better and better and the scars will fade slowly but surely. I'm taking my time and I'm being kind and caring towards myself. I'm hopeful of what the future will bring and that's enough for now 🩷
I don't attract anyone. Think I come across as unfriendly standoffish quiet withdrawn. When people do talk to me sometimes they excuse themselves or say they're sorry for bothering me when I did want to talk to someone. RBF, depressed, anxious, avoiding eye contact. Just feels awkward and painful trying to socialize and meet people.
This seems overfocused on Grandiose Narcissism. I've found Covert Narcissists do more damage because they are harder to spot and can seem more sympathetic. Watch out for Borderline Personality Disorder. Some of the literature contends BPD is someone with NPD socialized as a woman.
This video recounts my experience living with a malignant narcissist (dark triad). Those grandiose signs can be attractive to those wanting acceptance and someone to confidently lead the way. Many of us have been taught that our social intuition is wrong, so we're definitely susceptible. I agree that covert narcissism presents differently and is more insidious. The diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 is the same for both, the traits just present differently.
Unbelievable how horrid your narcissist ex was
Thank you 💛 This was just what was suitable to share publicly. Moral of the story, if you encounter someone like this, RUN! I'm in a much better place now.
Your ex is a monster and I’m praying for some Godly justice to rain upon him. Keep being your beautiful self. I too loved a demon and know your pain. I found love and redemption in Christ xo
Things are better, but that relationship was such a massive life altering mistake that I still feel the repercussions from. I'm in a better place now. I am glad you are too 💛
my pain I will never trust a human ever again
I'm so sorry 💛There are good people out there. I agree, it can be scary to look for them.
I don’t see how they could know what love is if they have no empathy. And I don’t see
how they could love. So no, he would not have known what love is.