Love your work Esther. My exhusband and I were married 30 yrs. We shared the same faith and I thought the same values. As soon as we had our first child the cracks appeared. We did not know then but our son was autistic, diagnosed at 16. My husband blamed me for being a bad mother and ignored my intuition. Our second child was a girl and I parented her the same way and no problems. We clashed over the money spent on special ed, special needs aids etc etc. Later in his teens our son needed psychological help and I had to advocate hard for this with my then husband. He thought it was all a waste of money. My husband came from a poor family with an abusive alcoholic father and my family were highly educated professionals who worked hard but we were not spoilt materially. Education though was important. My ex husband and I both had degrees but when we had a special needs child he resented that his son was not like other children and resented money spent on education or trying to help our son with special needs. Ultimately our core values did not align. Our different upbringing plus different levels of emotional intelligence was ultimately the undoing of our marriage, despite our common faith and education.
Our value differences aren’t even about hot button topics. They are about what gives life meaning and purpose and what goals should be pursued. I value growth, personal development, learning,. I’m deeply curious and enjoy fun, deep discussions about knowledge, culture, personal growth, goal achievements, etc. He doesn’t seem to value this at all. He seems content without passionately pursuing personal goals, learning, and improving. He prefers to spend his time doing things that bring pleasure (going out to see live music, sports). He also seems content in an entry level job. He complains about the job but doesn’t really strive to improve or change his situation. These differences deeply impacts how we want to spend time and what we talk about. I feel terribly judgmental over how he chooses to spend his time and where he focuses his attention bc I feel like he always chooses immediate gratification/pleasure over purpose and long term goals/ambition. I also feel that my values around growth and learning are deeply intertwined with a need for connection since I feel most alive when I’m sharing and learnjng through engaged discussions with like-minded people. So, not only do I feel like our values clash in this regard but I also feel like a need I have is being neglected/compromised. I can get that need met to some extent through other avenues but I really do want my partner to be more aligned with me in these areas. I will never feel satisfied mentally or emotionally, or be proud of who I am, if I just go to a show every weekend and drink beer instead of striving for goals. We bonded over a love for love music but I didn’t realize this was going to be so deeply connected to values and how we each prefer to prioritize our time and energy. I don’t know that there is a way forward for us.
You're amazing Dr Perel. I'm from India and I see these points and insights you offer almost daily in myself my relationships my work. My ex husband and I are good friends now. We separated mutually ...v painful for both of us bec there was respect for each other but too much divergence on values that mattered to each of us too deeply. It was good we could agree it wasn't working and remain friends instead of holding bitterness and grudges. And there were no kids. I also see where I went wrong...and hv been working on myself...while I'm single and 60 now I do relate to the world daily and I want all my relating to be more aware kinder more accepting of myself and of others. Listening to you makes me a more intelligent and kinder person. Thank you.
In my family there were people for and against the vaccine; like lots of other families. I decided taking personal responsibility for my life-and what I felt was good for me-was the way to go, and if I believed “my body, my choice” concerning abortion, then I needed to respect other’s choice about their bodies concerning the vaccine. I love your work so much, Esther.
What if your partner cannot answer those questions, and lives their life seemingly on auto-pilot without ever really reflecting on their choices/decisions and thought patterns, deeming them as normal or resort to "isn't that what everybody thinks/does?"? Your work, Esther, is indispensable. Thanks for all you do. 🙏
I know *so* many guys like that and inevitably their "chill" attitudes towards their lives makes them do crazy shit like lie about drug/alcohol use, develop a gambling addiction etc. and the consequences of their lack of deliberation ultimately fall on the people around them.
I love the truly optomistic view of your videos, podcast and newsletters. Always something to learn and to hear the repeated messages so they may sink in. What a mission you have!
Thanks for your books, talks and podcast, really love them all. And just what I needed… when you talked about no looking to agree in everything but to accept he can do it for love, for a superior value.. great advice!!!
It seems to me that there is a degree of incompatibility. Surely, there is a way he can have his viewpoint and apply it and the same for her. Obviously, he should be looking at other work as it is a bit much to expect her to take all of the responsibility financially and that may be impossible on a nurse's pay. I think you have to tolerate difference in relationships. I have had the vaccine but I understand why some people have not. I know everyone has their difference and this really helps to understand it.
I think the issue is about how each one views life and the values by which to live it by. There are lots of issues in which, although not being in total agreement, one can reach the "let´s agree to disagree". However, more substantial issues are deal breakers, and I assume this is different in each case. I could live with someone having religious beliefs even if I don´t. A bit more controversial would be to be with someone that doesn´t like animals, and to the extreme, I could NOT live with someone that lacks empathy for suffering, being it human or animal.
Thank you for this workshop! Could you or someone else tell me what's the name of that plant in the background? I've seen it in many of your videos and I am obsessed with it. Thanks!
Thank you for touching on this. This story reminds me of my own family mum and dad always going everywhere, including church that was infected with Covid 19 and home to kids that have auto immune diseases. I moved out to live alone. Couldn't handle it anymore. Tried talking and negotiating but useless. Narcissism is real in families.
Love Esther. Very insightful, as always. I am only confused by the question of religious practices. Yes, your partner can do them just because they are important to you, to support you, to show that you're important to him and to share your experiences. Of course, it's appreciated. But at the same time why should he, if they might not only mean nothing to him, but even more so, go so strongly against his belief system? Isn't that a coercion and manipulation of a sort to make someone else do smth just cause it's important to you? Of course, it doesn't only concern the matter of religiosity, but can be extrapolated to other value systems as well. And I get if it's a matter that concerns both of you directly (health, money, children), but if it's smth that personal and has no direct connection to you - Idk.
Even having kids va not having kids. My partner and I fought about this, but I think it was more about the underlying value. I think we could have worked on it if we didn’t jump to extremes.
Values ! Yes, so important. I can relate to the holidays and Covid immunization questions, but only from the family perspective. I used to work for public health, and I and my sisters get Covid and flu vaccinations, however there are three stubborn people in the family, and their family, that refuse. So sadly we are not able to have family dinners, etc. I guess I simply don't understand the opposition.. They all got their childhood vaccines, measles, mumps, rubella, polio, etc .. What is the problem now?? .... I think it is important here that you are from another country. Perhaps it is easier to see what is happening from outside? Yes, it is important to see what is underneath? ... Step away from the content of the argument? ...obviously quoting her again...How are we talking about this? are you listening, are you curious? , are you empathetic, what about us?, the thing Not to is name calling, is there another potential clash of values?... Pick an area where you don't fight and see how you communicate there. What can you apply from that that could be an open window? Bring it to the problem area... Get help from your own positive areas. ... The very ting you are criticizing are related to the things that originally attracted you to them. On a day to day basis, prioritize common ground. In the heat of the moment, take a break. When ready to talk, ask questions, how did you come to think this? What are they afraid to lose? What does a just and safe world look like? Can we disagree and still be together? Values bring more commonality. Anger... What is creating that agitation inside of you? Own it and take responsibility... What if the other person won't discuss anything? Instead calls you horrible names, tells you to f... off, and insults your intelligence? The problem is - It is the desire to create as if one person that causes the problem. As if we had been through the same experience. Rationality and logic and knowledge are not the only forms of knowledge. Very interesting to listen to you. There is no conversation here. Is there a conversation here, or a fight. I am not iteresting in haveing a fight. The fact that I matter to you is very important to me. I do it out of respect for you. If we were not together i would not be doing it. Own your reasons, different modality. It has to be clear, I only do it because I am with you. In spite of how the children were raised? Values, is it important to be polite, to say please and thank you, etc
Go deeper..... is my partner RESPECTING my sense of AUTONOMY ??? Especially over something that is proven & to not protect me 100%. Am I being heard?!. One can argue is SHE being heard? The one making the scrifice to go against his principle is him, she knows the science & its clear its a CHOICE.
Life is about values. It guide what we are and how we see the world. My ex wasn't able to open discussion to talk deeper about who we are and what is at play .. he would always just point out going saying that this is the reality. I see the forest he sees the tree.. we could never never agree and he is stronger than me in affirming himself (I have cptsd) so I would always end up being the bad one etc and I add to fight to have one world heard and my value isn't argument and right and wrong him yes so I was ending up being against my own way to be. Because he would lead the conversation and he would say I wanted to have the last word when I dony even believe in having the last word.. I just wanna share 2 different world and dig deep ... anyway
A big one for my relationship is about opposite gender friends. I am 27 male, my partner is 25 female. I have had a small group of close friends that are also my network of support. I’ve known them and they’ve known me well for quite a few years. My friends are both male and female. When I started dating, I had to give up all these important and healthy friendships. She says that they “were” friends and that they are not anymore friends but acquaintances. I have set a list of boundaries for myself to be safe and not get into any situation. But for her, any girl has no place of being any sort of friend with me or us. I’m so confused by now not knowing if she is extreme or am I the one that is unhealthy!? Any advice would be so much appreciated!
A good q to ask is “what does it mean for you when I have female friends”? Was she cheated on in the past? Maybe an ex ended up sleeping with a “friend”? Maybe her father slept with a “family friend”? I think overall, some degree of jealousy is normal but it feels like this is too much.
It’s a really tough question….Some things you could consider: Ask yourself, what contexts would you be okay with your girlfriend having guy friends and what contexts would you not? For example, maybe you would be okay with her staying friends with a guy who is gay, or with a guy who is friends within her circle of friends, but that she doesn’t necessarily hang out with one on one. Maybe you wouldn’t be okay with a good looking guy who she met at the gym and who she says, “is just a nice guy who is new in town and looking to make friends.” Then, ask yourself, in what contexts did you meet the women in your life who you’re close friends with? Are they good looking/would give your girlfriend an overt reason to be jealous, are you and your girl-friends really flirty when you’re around each other, are they in relationships, or are these close female friends genuinely unthreatening (objectively) and/or critical to your overall sense of belonging within your community/group of friends? The nuanced context in which these opposite gender friends are formed, the context/s in which you hang out, and the context in which these relationships could instigate jealousy, is EVERYTHING. You could also try asking your girlfriend explicitly what would make her feel more comfortable with these other women being in your life (if anything). To the same extent, you could ask her what is it about you having female friends that makes her uncomfortable. If she’s not willing to at least engage you thoughtfully in this discussion, then it begs the final questions I’ll put forth… How important are these friends to you and to what degree are you willing to fight to keep them in your life? If you and your girlfriend ever breakup, you’ll be really upset when you discover that have neither a girlfriend or your predated close girl-friends to support you through that season… Finally, if you do see yourself with this girl long term, to what extent are you willing to compromise for her boundaries in an effort to make her feel safe and loved (even if it doesn’t necessarily align with your boundaries, approach, and/or natural comfortability in the context of the same issue). The hard thing to reconcile in a relationship, is that the one who is least comfortable, often gets to set the rules. So you may have to decide if the long term potential of this relationship is worth enough to play by her rules by forgoing any friendships with other women (despite how genuine and unthreatening you perceive your pre-existing friendships to be).
Of course she doesn't want you to hang out with members of the opposite sex on your own. That's uncomfortable for anybody. I wouldn't let my wife do that. These types of intersex friendships are not historical norm. Best chance at something like you want is if you've ALL known each other, GF included since childhood, where proceeding as prior is the more comfortable option. In that case it makes sense.
I think it's a bit controlling. If you can both agree to some healthy boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex, then I think that's fine. But I also believe that at some point, 2 adults in a relationship should learn to trust each other and not try to dictate who the other is allowed to hang out with.
I think it depends on how you interact- you shouldn’t go out drinking with them one on one, shouldn’t travel alone with them, and shouldn’t confide in the them emotionally first before you confide in your partner. If you set healthy boundaries and don’t cross them it’s probably safe, but you can’t put yourself in situations that allow the lines to blur when your relationship gets hard because all relationships will go through hard times and when yours does is when this friendship and how you interact with this person matters, not when you first start dating and are in honeymoon phase. If you go to that friend when your relationship is rough as a sounding board, emotional support that’s exactly what your partner is worried about
My girlfriend and I are currently in a fight. Things started going downhill in our relationship when she started lecturing me whenever I said things. I can't tell you i have a filter, especially when I merely mean to joke around and having fun with people. The way she "corrects" me embarrasses me when there are people nearby. Makes me look like a jack or little brat who needs a scolding from their parent. Well, I decided the best thing to do was not talk much around her and others. One day, I'm telling my friends some funny stories, and then she shows up. Suddenly, I'm quiet, and when they tell me to continue my stories, I say I forgot what I was talking about. Another time at a bar, they asked me why I was being so quiet; I couldn't tell them "because my girlfriend's here and I don't want to upset her." I told them I just had a lot on my mind. Eventually, my girlfriend realized that I was only quiet around her and that if I hadn't seen her approach, she would notice me being talkative and outgoing. She asked me in private what was going on. I confessed that I felt obligated to not say much around her so I don't say anything to upset her or lead to arguments. That, ironically, bugged her. She was all, "That makes me feel bad. Are you insinuating that I'm ridiculously touchy and controlling? That I've taken your freedom of speech? That I've completely restricted your ability to be yourself?" Now what did I do? Did I actually say something wrong and insensitive? She told me to tell her why I was silent in her presence. Now I'm the bad guy for trying _not_ to upset her in public and prevent fights?
Somewhat narcissistic/proud. It’s more important for her to defend herself from your criticism than it is to consider your feelings. In my experience, it is a symptom of low self esteem (a compensation for it)
@@valentinasof whoa, whoa, whoa. _My_ criticism? I was never criticizing her to her face in the first place. All I did was tell her I try not to speak much so I don’t say anything to upset her. _She_ took it as criticism. I was just being open and honest, which _she_ told me to be. And it’s not my fault that speaking little kept her from criticizing me for the things i say in front of people. Excuse me for not wanting to look like a little brat who needs a scolding when people are listening
I have a question to make My partner sneaked today in my bag while I was in the restroom and probably saw things I didn't wanted him to see, which was very personal to me ... We had a nice evening and as he went home I saw that things were not in place and important things especially. I was so shocked and felt so violeted in my privacy. But I questioned him and he got angry at me and we broke up What's your opinion?
Cutting in line getting off the plane, not cool to me but she does it. She also thinks a woman can have a high a body count as a man in the 20s and be as respected for wife material as someone who has sub10 partners, as misogynistic, I disagreed. Different but both valuable
I struggle with my boyfriend when I tell him to “give me my rights”…he has many friends (women) and he finds harmless going out to the movies with one of them, or to the river with another one. I know all this girls, I actually like them and consider them my friends. But the point is that I don’t think it is correct, and I don’t go out with any of my masculine friends alone. I would like him to understand it. He stopped doing it but as if it were an obligation, not something he believes is correct :(
@@spyroluver0951 Exactly, different values. We broke up after he lied to me saying he was working but instead he went out for a beer with another of his girl-friends. I couldn’t trust a liar, I didn’t see myself dealing with those things for the rest of my life :/
People who follow conspiracy theories and have a group around them who support their views and who are convinced that their social media constitutes research
The argument is not about the details of hanging the first picture in the new house: it's the wrong picture, the wrong frame, the wrong wall, the wrong height, the wrong nail, too far left. too far right, not level, not centered ... it's about who's house it is. This is the lesson I learned many moons ago as I was hanging that first picture, while my new wife accused me of "your father was right about you" ... WTF !?! It's about the only argument we ever had. Ten years after she died, her mother would still call it her daughters house, and how dare I change things ... WTF !?! My last girlfriend told me "my god rejects you, my religion rejects you, what the hell am I doing" ... WTF !?! Women are crazy. I think I'm done with dealing with all that BS, it's not worth it.
@@SassySlater LOL. I referenced 3 women not two. I have another list of six crazy women I have dated over the last ten years too. From delusional already engaged liars, through self cutters, hoarders, group sex addicts, violent memory erasing princesses, and a selfish bigoted mean alcoholic sociopath. Hows that for a blanket?
Oh the irony! All those who sided with the nurse or anybody who wanted to oust their partner over the vaccine cancelled their own relationship for nothing. Vaccinated people CAN STILL GET COVID. Those who are hospitalized or died from COVID were older and/or had underlying health conditions. I'm unvaxxed and continued to test negative even after being in the presence of someone who tested positive. Finally, in the middle of summer I contracted COVID from my husband who was vaxxed. I did not experience any symptoms and was asymptomatic. But if my spouse threatened me at the beginning of this overreaction of the virus, I would've said "bye bye" - WITH GLADNESS.
My relationship would be over I did walk away from a potential relationship over this very issues. I have multiple auto immune conditions... have had covid more than one times and still not getting the thing. I also watched a family have a cytokine storm follow it and shortly die after from organ failure. No one can tell me wasn't a direct result from it.
You have made some big assumptions and statements. When over 23% of Covid deaths are between the ages of 45 - 60, I don’t think that’s old and I think of all the families that have been affected with the loss of a parent. I won’t argue with your decision, but I do argue with the cavalier nature of how you categorize deaths as if those people are not important - and over 1M in the US alone and over 6M +++ worldwide.
Im catholic he is ateist, we are 1.5 y together, he knew from the beginning that I go to a mess and am religious. We talk about having kids and he is against upbringing them in faith. I feel cheated and traited, as he doesn't accept some part of me.
That’s like saying he feels cheated because you don’t accept him. You’re a mismatch. Any reason why you wouldn’t find someone who has common values and common goals? Otherwise it sounds like you’re already trying to change him as if you are putting your hands on your hips looking at him saying what don’t you get, be like me.
@@LinYouToo hey there, thank you for your answer. I guess Iove him, I feel good with him, not so easy to find another guy with whom I would feel so energized.
Please leave this situation. It’s clear that there is a level of incompatibility. Save yourself a life of misery especially when children are involved.
It’s getting worse n more watered down with every episode For me you started to lose it when Holocaust survivors turned- camp survivors You will lecture anyone about values after you’ve undressed your Jewish ness?!! I can’t listen to u again after that
My ex gf was 17 years younger than me. She came into my life with heavy attraction and I believe we both had great chemistry and sexual attraction. She was 22 and I was 39 when we first started dating. The first dinner we had I payed out my values and boundaries as I was concerned about being serious with someone so much younger. She’s a single mom and I’ve never had children. I expressed my top three needs. I’ve been in alcohol recovery for 12 years, so I asked her if she drank. She said she didn’t drink and that she loved the fact I didn’t drink at all. She told me her exes all drank and that’s why she left them. I told her I had a difficult time believing she didn’t drink at all as she had lots of friends who drank often and tended to have similar family and relationship issues to the drinking lifestyle. She assured me that she might have a drink or two in a years time. I was happy to hear that and encouraged. I explained how I wasn’t interested in someone who lies for any reason and that I am also not interested in dating a girl who seeks validation on social media. She told me honesty and communication were all we needed and that she didn’t use socials. We hit it off great. I get like God finally put the right woman in my life and me into hers. I lived her little daughter like my own. Well, within a few short weeks I realized she drinks every other weekend and she lies and she uses Facebook like a dating website. I left her quickly and tried to cut ties. She came begging me to take her back. This pattern continued for two years each time with me leaving and blocking her and ignorant any of her attempts to speak to me. Each time she would sleep around and spend months partying and drinking. My dumb ass took her back just before Christmas 2020 as she promised she was done drinking forever. She did all she could to get me back. After just three weeks of being together again I could see she wasn’t going to change. I became cold and our sex was nonexistent. We never did communicate and she refused to ever be honest and open. I left her and never spoke to her again. I can’t for the life of me understand why it hurts me still. 16 months I’ve been gone, but the pain is still there and as usual she’s been with piles of guys only this time she has kept a LTR going for close to a year. Why would I want someone who only creates pain and heartache? Why does it bother me that she does what she wants to do…the same things I once did at her age? The biggest problem I had was she never showed congruence words and actions just never matched up.
The brain does not finish developing until age 25. You made the error of dating an adolescent. Albeit an older adolescent but nonetheless, an adolescent
@@funkediscofreak she was the most responsible and sweet adolescent I’d ever known, just couldn’t ever generate the trust pillar in order to make our connection successful. Although I feel correct in always leaving and allowing her to go forward living the life she wants, I find myself questioning if I just expect too much from my significant others as I’ve been through a lot more in life than most my age and have become quite set in my integrity and necessity of shared values. Unfortunately it doesn’t appear as though there’s more like minded people as I get older…almost seems like society has slipped into a much darker and lessor values driven realm. 🤷♂️ I mean I had offered her the option of just having fun and being real with me from the beginning. She didn’t have to tell me she wanted marriage and children and for me to be her child’s father. Had she just been honest about her drinking and socials and what not I would have just viewed our time together as casual adulting, not forever and serious.
in your comment, you are creating a narrative of yourself as someone with strong principles, clear boundaries, and a consistent value system. meanwhile she is described as inconsistent, dishonest and unreliable. you are failing to take responsibility for your own part. it sounds like you created a kind of parent/teenager dynamic, where she had no choice but to lie, in order to explore her sense of self while trying to keep her loving relationship with you. your boundaries were verbally strong, but practically weak, because you kept letting her back in even after you discovered the lies. how could you have done it differently? 1) leave more space for conversation, negotiation and compromise around the values / lifestyle differences 2) when she shows you who she is, believe her
I gained a lot from this discussion. Thank you for sharing ideas to help with approaching these subjects of debate in a gentle way that can help take down the heat a bit better ✨🤍
Love your work Esther. My exhusband and I were married 30 yrs. We shared the same faith and I thought the same values. As soon as we had our first child the cracks appeared. We did not know then but our son was autistic, diagnosed at 16. My husband blamed me for being a bad mother and ignored my intuition. Our second child was a girl and I parented her the same way and no problems. We clashed over the money spent on special ed, special needs aids etc etc. Later in his teens our son needed psychological help and I had to advocate hard for this with my then husband. He thought it was all a waste of money. My husband came from a poor family with an abusive alcoholic father and my family were highly educated professionals who worked hard but we were not spoilt materially. Education though was important. My ex husband and I both had degrees but when we had a special needs child he resented that his son was not like other children and resented money spent on education or trying to help our son with special needs. Ultimately our core values did not align. Our different upbringing plus different levels of emotional intelligence was ultimately the undoing of our marriage, despite our common faith and education.
Our value differences aren’t even about hot button topics. They are about what gives life meaning and purpose and what goals should be pursued. I value growth, personal development, learning,. I’m deeply curious and enjoy fun, deep discussions about knowledge, culture, personal growth, goal achievements, etc. He doesn’t seem to value this at all. He seems content without passionately pursuing personal goals, learning, and improving. He prefers to spend his time doing things that bring pleasure (going out to see live music, sports). He also seems content in an entry level job. He complains about the job but doesn’t really strive to improve or change his situation.
These differences deeply impacts how we want to spend time and what we talk about. I feel terribly judgmental over how he chooses to spend his time and where he focuses his attention bc I feel like he always chooses immediate gratification/pleasure over purpose and long term goals/ambition. I also feel that my values around growth and learning are deeply intertwined with a need for connection since I feel most alive when I’m sharing and learnjng through engaged discussions with like-minded people.
So, not only do I feel like our values clash in this regard but I also feel like a need I have is being neglected/compromised. I can get that need met to some extent through other avenues but I really do want my partner to be more aligned with me in these areas. I will never feel satisfied mentally or emotionally, or be proud of who I am, if I just go to a show every weekend and drink beer instead of striving for goals. We bonded over a love for love music but I didn’t realize this was going to be so deeply connected to values and how we each prefer to prioritize our time and energy. I don’t know that there is a way forward for us.
It's so important to respect your partner's decisions. Your partner deserves respect and the ability to make their own choices.
You're amazing Dr Perel. I'm from India and I see these points and insights you offer almost daily in myself my relationships my work. My ex husband and I are good friends now. We separated mutually ...v painful for both of us bec there was respect for each other but too much divergence on values that mattered to each of us too deeply. It was good we could agree it wasn't working and remain friends instead of holding bitterness and grudges. And there were no kids. I also see where I went wrong...and hv been working on myself...while I'm single and 60 now I do relate to the world daily and I want all my relating to be more aware kinder more accepting of myself and of others. Listening to you makes me a more intelligent and kinder person. Thank you.
In my family there were people for and against the vaccine; like lots of other families. I decided taking personal responsibility for my life-and what I felt was good for me-was the way to go, and if I believed “my body, my choice” concerning abortion, then I needed to respect other’s choice about their bodies concerning the vaccine. I love your work so much, Esther.
Your words are pure gold. I’d say most of the things I’ve learnt about how humans way of thinkings and feelings work, were from you
“Why do you need your partner to agree with you?” Ooof!
What if your partner cannot answer those questions, and lives their life seemingly on auto-pilot without ever really reflecting on their choices/decisions and thought patterns, deeming them as normal or resort to "isn't that what everybody thinks/does?"? Your work, Esther, is indispensable. Thanks for all you do. 🙏
I know *so* many guys like that and inevitably their "chill" attitudes towards their lives makes them do crazy shit like lie about drug/alcohol use, develop a gambling addiction etc. and the consequences of their lack of deliberation ultimately fall on the people around them.
YES!!
Esther, you are gold! I appreciate your every episode. They are so so helpful!
I love the truly optomistic view of your videos, podcast and newsletters. Always something to learn and to hear the repeated messages so they may sink in. What a mission you have!
Thank you very much I have so many tools now in going into conversation with my spouse
We have always had a clash how our kids should be raised. I have discipline guidelines verses he belittles the necessity of discipline
Gracias Esther! ♥️
Esther is more than a national treasure!! Love your work
Thanks for your books, talks and podcast, really love them all. And just what I needed… when you talked about no looking to agree in everything but to accept he can do it for love, for a superior value.. great advice!!!
Ester is absolutely amazing. Thank you.
Amazing video! Thank you so
Much!!!!
It seems to me that there is a degree of incompatibility. Surely, there is a way he can have his viewpoint and apply it and the same for her. Obviously, he should be looking at other work as it is a bit much to expect her to take all of the responsibility financially and that may be impossible on a nurse's pay. I think you have to tolerate difference in relationships. I have had the vaccine but I understand why some people have not. I know everyone has their difference and this really helps to understand it.
Thank you.
I love you esther thank you always
You are so factual and practical , i connect and process your way of explanation . Fantastic.
Thanks Esther. You're the best.
Thank you ! Wonderful information for put on practice and meditate about.
I think the issue is about how each one views life and the values by which to live it by. There are lots of issues in which, although not being in total agreement, one can reach the "let´s agree to disagree". However, more substantial issues are deal breakers, and I assume this is different in each case. I could live with someone having religious beliefs even if I don´t. A bit more controversial would be to be with someone that doesn´t like animals, and to the extreme, I could NOT live with someone that lacks empathy for suffering, being it human or animal.
Hello from your homecountry Belgium, in Brussels
Thank you for this workshop! Could you or someone else tell me what's the name of that plant in the background? I've seen it in many of your videos and I am obsessed with it. Thanks!
Thank you for touching on this. This story reminds me of my own family mum and dad always going everywhere, including church that was infected with Covid 19 and home to kids that have auto immune diseases. I moved out to live alone. Couldn't handle it anymore. Tried talking and negotiating but useless. Narcissism is real in families.
Looks like the narcissist is you. LOL! At least you recognized it to move out.
You are a very sweet lady Esther. Thank you for helping us to think thru these things. God bless you ❤
Love Esther. Very insightful, as always. I am only confused by the question of religious practices. Yes, your partner can do them just because they are important to you, to support you, to show that you're important to him and to share your experiences. Of course, it's appreciated. But at the same time why should he, if they might not only mean nothing to him, but even more so, go so strongly against his belief system? Isn't that a coercion and manipulation of a sort to make someone else do smth just cause it's important to you? Of course, it doesn't only concern the matter of religiosity, but can be extrapolated to other value systems as well. And I get if it's a matter that concerns both of you directly (health, money, children), but if it's smth that personal and has no direct connection to you - Idk.
Even having kids va not having kids. My partner and I fought about this, but I think it was more about the underlying value. I think we could have worked on it if we didn’t jump to extremes.
Is there a way to see a schedule when she has her next TH-cam live? I’d love to join once but I always miss it
I’m wondering the same
You are amazing!!!🤩💯
I identify with the nurse!
this is so helpful
Values ! Yes, so important. I can relate to the holidays and Covid immunization questions, but only from the family perspective. I used to work for public health, and I and my sisters get Covid and flu vaccinations, however there are three stubborn people in the family, and their family, that refuse. So sadly we are not able to have family dinners, etc.
I guess I simply don't understand the opposition.. They all got their childhood vaccines, measles, mumps, rubella, polio, etc .. What is the problem now?? .... I think it is important here that you are from another country. Perhaps it is easier to see what is happening from outside? Yes, it is important to see what is underneath? ... Step away from the content of the argument? ...obviously quoting her again...How are we talking about this? are you listening, are you curious? , are you empathetic, what about us?, the thing Not to is name calling, is there another potential clash of values?... Pick an area where you don't fight and see how you communicate there. What can you apply from that that could be an open window? Bring it to the problem area... Get help from your own positive areas. ... The very ting you are criticizing are related to the things that originally attracted you to them. On a day to day basis, prioritize common ground. In the heat of the moment, take a break. When ready to talk, ask questions, how did you come to think this? What are they afraid to lose? What does a just and safe world look like? Can we disagree and still be together? Values bring more commonality.
Anger... What is creating that agitation inside of you? Own it and take responsibility...
What if the other person won't discuss anything? Instead calls you horrible names, tells you to f... off, and insults your intelligence?
The problem is - It is the desire to create as if one person that causes the problem. As if we had been through the same experience.
Rationality and logic and knowledge are not the only forms of knowledge. Very interesting to listen to you. There is no conversation here. Is there a conversation here, or a fight. I am not iteresting in haveing a fight.
The fact that I matter to you is very important to me. I do it out of respect for you. If we were not together i would not be doing it. Own your reasons, different modality. It has to be clear, I only do it because I am with you.
In spite of how the children were raised? Values, is it important to be polite, to say please and thank you, etc
Go deeper..... is my partner RESPECTING my sense of AUTONOMY ??? Especially over something that is proven & to not protect me 100%. Am I being heard?!. One can argue is SHE being heard? The one making the scrifice to go against his principle is him, she knows the science & its clear its a CHOICE.
Hello, Vienna calling....☃
Life is about values. It guide what we are and how we see the world. My ex wasn't able to open discussion to talk deeper about who we are and what is at play .. he would always just point out going saying that this is the reality. I see the forest he sees the tree.. we could never never agree and he is stronger than me in affirming himself (I have cptsd) so I would always end up being the bad one etc and I add to fight to have one world heard and my value isn't argument and right and wrong him yes so I was ending up being against my own way to be. Because he would lead the conversation and he would say I wanted to have the last word when I dony even believe in having the last word.. I just wanna share 2 different world and dig deep ... anyway
Economic diferences in families couple
I like the improvement in the presentation.
A big one for my relationship is about opposite gender friends. I am 27 male, my partner is 25 female. I have had a small group of close friends that are also my network of support. I’ve known them and they’ve known me well for quite a few years. My friends are both male and female. When I started dating, I had to give up all these important and healthy friendships. She says that they “were” friends and that they are not anymore friends but acquaintances. I have set a list of boundaries for myself to be safe and not get into any situation. But for her, any girl has no place of being any sort of friend with me or us.
I’m so confused by now not knowing if she is extreme or am I the one that is unhealthy!?
Any advice would be so much appreciated!
A good q to ask is “what does it mean for you when I have female friends”? Was she cheated on in the past? Maybe an ex ended up sleeping with a “friend”? Maybe her father slept with a “family friend”? I think overall, some degree of jealousy is normal but it feels like this is too much.
It’s a really tough question….Some things you could consider:
Ask yourself, what contexts would you be okay with your girlfriend having guy friends and what contexts would you not? For example, maybe you would be okay with her staying friends with a guy who is gay, or with a guy who is friends within her circle of friends, but that she doesn’t necessarily hang out with one on one. Maybe you wouldn’t be okay with a good looking guy who she met at the gym and who she says, “is just a nice guy who is new in town and looking to make friends.”
Then, ask yourself, in what contexts did you meet the women in your life who you’re close friends with? Are they good looking/would give your girlfriend an overt reason to be jealous, are you and your girl-friends really flirty when you’re around each other, are they in relationships, or are these close female friends genuinely unthreatening (objectively) and/or critical to your overall sense of belonging within your community/group of friends?
The nuanced context in which these opposite gender friends are formed, the context/s in which you hang out, and the context in which these relationships could instigate jealousy, is EVERYTHING.
You could also try asking your girlfriend explicitly what would make her feel more comfortable with these other women being in your life (if anything). To the same extent, you could ask her what is it about you having female friends that makes her uncomfortable. If she’s not willing to at least engage you thoughtfully in this discussion, then it begs the final questions I’ll put forth…
How important are these friends to you and to what degree are you willing to fight to keep them in your life? If you and your girlfriend ever breakup, you’ll be really upset when you discover that have neither a girlfriend or your predated close girl-friends to support you through that season…
Finally, if you do see yourself with this girl long term, to what extent are you willing to compromise for her boundaries in an effort to make her feel safe and loved (even if it doesn’t necessarily align with your boundaries, approach, and/or natural comfortability in the context of the same issue). The hard thing to reconcile in a relationship, is that the one who is least comfortable, often gets to set the rules. So you may have to decide if the long term potential of this relationship is worth enough to play by her rules by forgoing any friendships with other women (despite how genuine and unthreatening you perceive your pre-existing friendships to be).
Of course she doesn't want you to hang out with members of the opposite sex on your own. That's uncomfortable for anybody. I wouldn't let my wife do that. These types of intersex friendships are not historical norm. Best chance at something like you want is if you've ALL known each other, GF included since childhood, where proceeding as prior is the more comfortable option. In that case it makes sense.
I think it's a bit controlling. If you can both agree to some healthy boundaries regarding friends of the opposite sex, then I think that's fine. But I also believe that at some point, 2 adults in a relationship should learn to trust each other and not try to dictate who the other is allowed to hang out with.
I think it depends on how you interact- you shouldn’t go out drinking with them one on one, shouldn’t travel alone with them, and shouldn’t confide in the them emotionally first before you confide in your partner. If you set healthy boundaries and don’t cross them it’s probably safe, but you can’t put yourself in situations that allow the lines to blur when your relationship gets hard because all relationships will go through hard times and when yours does is when this friendship and how you interact with this person matters, not when you first start dating and are in honeymoon phase. If you go to that friend when your relationship is rough as a sounding board, emotional support that’s exactly what your partner is worried about
My girlfriend and I are currently in a fight. Things started going downhill in our relationship when she started lecturing me whenever I said things. I can't tell you i have a filter, especially when I merely mean to joke around and having fun with people. The way she "corrects" me embarrasses me when there are people nearby. Makes me look like a jack or little brat who needs a scolding from their parent. Well, I decided the best thing to do was not talk much around her and others. One day, I'm telling my friends some funny stories, and then she shows up. Suddenly, I'm quiet, and when they tell me to continue my stories, I say I forgot what I was talking about. Another time at a bar, they asked me why I was being so quiet; I couldn't tell them "because my girlfriend's here and I don't want to upset her." I told them I just had a lot on my mind. Eventually, my girlfriend realized that I was only quiet around her and that if I hadn't seen her approach, she would notice me being talkative and outgoing. She asked me in private what was going on. I confessed that I felt obligated to not say much around her so I don't say anything to upset her or lead to arguments. That, ironically, bugged her. She was all, "That makes me feel bad. Are you insinuating that I'm ridiculously touchy and controlling? That I've taken your freedom of speech? That I've completely restricted your ability to be yourself?" Now what did I do? Did I actually say something wrong and insensitive? She told me to tell her why I was silent in her presence. Now I'm the bad guy for trying _not_ to upset her in public and prevent fights?
Somewhat narcissistic/proud. It’s more important for her to defend herself from your criticism than it is to consider your feelings. In my experience, it is a symptom of low self esteem (a compensation for it)
@@valentinasof whoa, whoa, whoa. _My_ criticism? I was never criticizing her to her face in the first place. All I did was tell her I try not to speak much so I don’t say anything to upset her. _She_ took it as criticism. I was just being open and honest, which _she_ told me to be. And it’s not my fault that speaking little kept her from criticizing me for the things i say in front of people. Excuse me for not wanting to look like a little brat who needs a scolding when people are listening
@@johnrainsman6650 haha I just realized how you read my comment. I meant that she was narcissistic even in situations of high distress for you
@@valentinasof Oh. Well, I wouldn't call her narcissistic at all; just touchy and unafraid to correct me when there are people around.
I have a question to make
My partner sneaked today in my bag while I was in the restroom and probably saw things I didn't wanted him to see, which was very personal to me ...
We had a nice evening and as he went home I saw that things were not in place and important things especially.
I was so shocked and felt so violeted in my privacy. But I questioned him and he got angry at me and we broke up
What's your opinion?
He is a narcissist and Gaslit you. If he cannot be honest with you or ask you something face to face, then your gut instinct said this is not right
Cutting in line getting off the plane, not cool to me but she does it. She also thinks a woman can have a high a body count as a man in the 20s and be as respected for wife material as someone who has sub10 partners, as misogynistic, I disagreed. Different but both valuable
I struggle with my boyfriend when I tell him to “give me my rights”…he has many friends (women) and he finds harmless going out to the movies with one of them, or to the river with another one. I know all this girls, I actually like them and consider them my friends. But the point is that I don’t think it is correct, and I don’t go out with any of my masculine friends alone. I would like him to understand it. He stopped doing it but as if it were an obligation, not something he believes is correct :(
Different Values. It all comes down to trust. Do you trust him or do you trust the female friends to not do the wrong thing by you?
@@spyroluver0951 Exactly, different values. We broke up after he lied to me saying he was working but instead he went out for a beer with another of his girl-friends. I couldn’t trust a liar, I didn’t see myself dealing with those things for the rest of my life :/
@@Shinystrella so your intuition was right!
People who follow conspiracy theories and have a group around them who support their views and who are convinced that their social media constitutes research
You mean the vaxxed cultist who listen to CNN?
The argument is not about the details of hanging the first picture in the new house: it's the wrong picture, the wrong frame, the wrong wall, the wrong height, the wrong nail, too far left. too far right, not level, not centered ... it's about who's house it is.
This is the lesson I learned many moons ago as I was hanging that first picture, while my new wife accused me of "your father was right about you" ... WTF !?!
It's about the only argument we ever had.
Ten years after she died, her mother would still call it her daughters house, and how dare I change things ... WTF !?!
My last girlfriend told me "my god rejects you, my religion rejects you, what the hell am I doing" ... WTF !?!
Women are crazy. I think I'm done with dealing with all that BS, it's not worth it.
I don’t think you can blanket statement all women based on 2 experiences!
@@SassySlater LOL. I referenced 3 women not two. I have another list of six crazy women I have dated over the last ten years too. From delusional already engaged liars, through self cutters, hoarders, group sex addicts, violent memory erasing princesses, and a selfish bigoted mean alcoholic sociopath. Hows that for a blanket?
Esther, the obsessive part of me wants to clean your camera so badly :D
Is it only us tuning in Ella
Okay...?
Oh the irony! All those who sided with the nurse or anybody who wanted to oust their partner over the vaccine cancelled their own relationship for nothing. Vaccinated people CAN STILL GET COVID. Those who are hospitalized or died from COVID were older and/or had underlying health conditions. I'm unvaxxed and continued to test negative even after being in the presence of someone who tested positive. Finally, in the middle of summer I contracted COVID from my husband who was vaxxed. I did not experience any symptoms and was asymptomatic. But if my spouse threatened me at the beginning of this overreaction of the virus, I would've said "bye bye" - WITH GLADNESS.
My relationship would be over I did walk away from a potential relationship over this very issues. I have multiple auto immune conditions... have had covid more than one times and still not getting the thing. I also watched a family have a cytokine storm follow it and shortly die after from organ failure. No one can tell me wasn't a direct result from it.
You have made some big assumptions and statements. When over 23% of Covid deaths are between the ages of 45 - 60, I don’t think that’s old and I think of all the families that have been affected with the loss of a parent. I won’t argue with your decision, but I do argue with the cavalier nature of how you categorize deaths as if those people are not important - and over 1M in the US alone and over 6M +++ worldwide.
Im catholic he is ateist, we are 1.5 y together, he knew from the beginning that I go to a mess and am religious. We talk about having kids and he is against upbringing them in faith. I feel cheated and traited, as he doesn't accept some part of me.
That’s your doing ma’am
That’s like saying he feels cheated because you don’t accept him. You’re a mismatch. Any reason why you wouldn’t find someone who has common values and common goals? Otherwise it sounds like you’re already trying to change him as if you are putting your hands on your hips looking at him saying what don’t you get, be like me.
@@LinYouToo hey there, thank you for your answer. I guess Iove him, I feel good with him, not so easy to find another guy with whom I would feel so energized.
Please leave this situation. It’s clear that there is a level of incompatibility. Save yourself a life of misery especially when children are involved.
@@agnes3096 None of my business but being energized by incompatibility should tell you something
A feminist and a traditionalist. Go figure…
It’s getting worse n more watered down with every episode
For me you started to lose it when Holocaust survivors turned- camp survivors
You will lecture anyone about values after you’ve undressed your Jewish ness?!! I can’t listen to u again after that
when did she say that?
Please don’t listen nobody is forcing you😳she is so helpful to so many people. If you don’t have anything NICE to say please stay 🤫😡
My ex gf was 17 years younger than me. She came into my life with heavy attraction and I believe we both had great chemistry and sexual attraction. She was 22 and I was 39 when we first started dating. The first dinner we had I payed out my values and boundaries as I was concerned about being serious with someone so much younger. She’s a single mom and I’ve never had children. I expressed my top three needs. I’ve been in alcohol recovery for 12 years, so I asked her if she drank. She said she didn’t drink and that she loved the fact I didn’t drink at all. She told me her exes all drank and that’s why she left them. I told her I had a difficult time believing she didn’t drink at all as she had lots of friends who drank often and tended to have similar family and relationship issues to the drinking lifestyle. She assured me that she might have a drink or two in a years time. I was happy to hear that and encouraged. I explained how I wasn’t interested in someone who lies for any reason and that I am also not interested in dating a girl who seeks validation on social media. She told me honesty and communication were all we needed and that she didn’t use socials. We hit it off great. I get like God finally put the right woman in my life and me into hers. I lived her little daughter like my own. Well, within a few short weeks I realized she drinks every other weekend and she lies and she uses Facebook like a dating website. I left her quickly and tried to cut ties.
She came begging me to take her back. This pattern continued for two years each time with me leaving and blocking her and ignorant any of her attempts to speak to me. Each time she would sleep around and spend months partying and drinking. My dumb ass took her back just before Christmas 2020 as she promised she was done drinking forever. She did all she could to get me back. After just three weeks of being together again I could see she wasn’t going to change. I became cold and our sex was nonexistent. We never did communicate and she refused to ever be honest and open. I left her and never spoke to her again. I can’t for the life of me understand why it hurts me still. 16 months I’ve been gone, but the pain is still there and as usual she’s been with piles of guys only this time she has kept a LTR going for close to a year. Why would I want someone who only creates pain and heartache? Why does it bother me that she does what she wants to do…the same things I once did at her age?
The biggest problem I had was she never showed congruence words and actions just never matched up.
The brain does not finish developing until age 25. You made the error of dating an adolescent. Albeit an older adolescent but nonetheless, an adolescent
@@funkediscofreak she was the most responsible and sweet adolescent I’d ever known, just couldn’t ever generate the trust pillar in order to make our connection successful. Although I feel correct in always leaving and allowing her to go forward living the life she wants, I find myself questioning if I just expect too much from my significant others as I’ve been through a lot more in life than most my age and have become quite set in my integrity and necessity of shared values. Unfortunately it doesn’t appear as though there’s more like minded people as I get older…almost seems like society has slipped into a much darker and lessor values driven realm. 🤷♂️
I mean I had offered her the option of just having fun and being real with me from the beginning. She didn’t have to tell me she wanted marriage and children and for me to be her child’s father. Had she just been honest about her drinking and socials and what not I would have just viewed our time together as casual adulting, not forever and serious.
@@funkediscofreak plus she’s 26 or maybe even 27 now, so why the same behaviors?
in your comment, you are creating a narrative of yourself as someone with strong principles, clear boundaries, and a consistent value system. meanwhile she is described as inconsistent, dishonest and unreliable. you are failing to take responsibility for your own part. it sounds like you created a kind of parent/teenager dynamic, where she had no choice but to lie, in order to explore her sense of self while trying to keep her loving relationship with you. your boundaries were verbally strong, but practically weak, because you kept letting her back in even after you discovered the lies. how could you have done it differently? 1) leave more space for conversation, negotiation and compromise around the values / lifestyle differences 2) when she shows you who she is, believe her
@@crystalchampagne spot on
I gained a lot from this discussion.
Thank you for sharing ideas to help with approaching these subjects of debate in a gentle way that can help take down the heat a bit better ✨🤍