How Narcissist Defeminizes You: Answering Your Questions
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ก.ย. 2024
- Withdrawal and avoidance to punish others for their lack of appreciation, self-soothing.
Hoovering possible only after internal mortification, but most narcissists convert internal to external and do not hoover
Refusal to grow up: remaining childless
Women: not attractive anymore, not a man, a pussy, weasel, weakling, wuss, jejeune, and worse. Narc accused me of pretending to be a narc and a psycho when I am actually just an average guy. So, to be a narc is only for cool dudes, a privilege, an exclusive club. Narcs are seriously deluded and intellectually challenged.
Mental illness not humiliating, shame, or embarrassing - no stigma.
I am never a man to my woman and this does not let her be a woman. In my Guru Father role, she is merely an audience; when I am a Genius Child, she is a mother on probation. Self-emasculation lead to defeminization, castration, aversion, sexlessness, and extramarital affairs.
I accept that, in order to persevere and survive within my increasingly more sexless shared fantasy (in which I am intermittently a child or a father, but never an adult man), my woman has to meet her sexual and emotional needs with (other) men.
Q: Why do you accept the asymmetry: she is cheating with others while you are at home waiting for her like a cuck or a soy boy?
Cucks derive sexual pleasure and are aroused when their partners have sex with others. I don’t. I am totally indifferent, not even romantically jealous. Just oblivious.
I accept that I am not allowed to do the same. I acquiesce in this asymmetry for various reasons:
A. She is an adult and I am not - she needs mature, conventional, reciprocated, and reglar sex and intimacy, I don't. So, I have to compromise and sacrifice in order to secure her presence and commitment to the relationship;
B. I can have sex only within a shared fantasy (a new relationship) while she can compartmentalize and not abandon me;
C. Any new shared fantasy will end the same way, so why bother? As long as I am getting supply and services (however meager), better stay put and forget about sex. I move on to a new shared fantasy only when 2 of the 3 Ss are missing at which point the woman had come to replicate my bad, dead mother and failed in her role as a good enough mother;
D. Only mentally ill, broken, damaged and traumatized women will succumb to my psychosexuality and enter the shared fantasy and this poses serious risks (exposure, blackmail, suicide, criminal liability). Scouting for a new shared fantasy is an absolute desperate last resort;
E. I successfully sublimate my autoerotic sadistic kinky sex drive: I really prefer learning and entertainment to sex and am far more gratified by these solitary activities. My biological drive is entirely satisfied with porn. My psychosexual kink and sadism require a compliant live body, but the prize is not worth the price: I suppress my urges, exactly the same way practitioners of other paraphilias (like pedophilia) do. Plus, rejecting women, frustrating, and humiliating them when I cannot have them for my sadistic pleasures feels as good as sex.
In shared fantasy not protective, but possessive; when there is a risk of abandonment, I am both both; in the bargaining phase, I am neither.
I feel humiliated that I can never have a woman that is only mine, can’t keep or satisfy my women, that other men, far inferior to me intellectually, often predator scum, pick them up in my presence, capture their hearts, minds, or bodies if even for a night. Like a cripple or an unemployed who cannot provide for his family: an inadequate invalid.
Women are angry at me that I push them back into the cesspool that is the dating scene and to drunkenness, to be molested by scum who regard them as sluts because they are married or in a relationship.
Women go to any length to cheat on me (even with strangers, their repellent abusers, petty criminals, pedophiles, alcoholics) for 4 reasons:
1. Meet their emotional and sexual needs for sex, intimacy, succor, attention, passion, desire, flirting, seduction/chase, etc. with a man;
2. Regain or buttress their self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of femininity and desirability;
3. Reconstitute a proper reality testing (counterbalance my gaslighting and the inexorable pull of the shared fantasy) as well as a sense of normalcy (which is a relief, like waking up from a persistent nightmare);
When stalked in the shared fantasy and in the bargaining phase (having been ignored and pushed away forcefully), to ...
4. Force me to breakup with them, get rid of me by behaving so egregiously so as to mortify me.
I seek inferior or much younger women because: 1. They will accept kinky sex more readily 2. They will mother me because they have nothing else to do 3. I can play the Father role with them more convincingly and for longer.
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Dr. Vaknin, I must admit, I totally agree with you. I live with a narcissist husband. Over the years, I’ve felt that I’ve become more masculine and less feminine because my husband is a child all the time.
Oh my, me too... When it suits him to play the "man" card, he does... But when it doesn't suit him, he will very openly repeat the "new age" feminist talking points, and throw them in MY face. Its insanity. Better not ask him why its been a month and he still hasn't fixed the downstairs toilet... There should be no "gender roles." However, he will quickly ask why I haven't made dinner or done the dishes... SMDH. Insanity
I sooooo feel this.
@@janesmith1862 I was seeing a guy who talked the 'progressive' talk, but objectified me more than anyone Ive ever known. He wanted to keep me in my place sexually (at his beck and call) but then understand him, take care of him, etc. A female friend of his referred to him as a 'puppy.' But he wanted to he could be a rabid deceitful dog.
Bravo as always 👏
It was also so helpful to see from the inside , to see what a shared fantasy looks like, and functions like with another couple . To see another intimate point of view without the intense emotion. To see it clearly and concisely and clinically. Thank you for being so eloquent and open. It was not wasted on me, Lol. I think the spell has broken.
I think it takes a real man to admit mental illness. Thank you so much for speaking out & explaining so well the Narcissist.
It always baffled me when my narcissistic (now ex) partner accused me of “not being feminine enough” and called me a “ball breaker”. One of us had to be man enough. And it’s hard to be a “ball breaker” when the other half has no balls to speak of.
these narcs want you to be their everything. its infuriating
One of the complains i use to make to my narc ex partner was that he didn’t alow me to be a woman, to express my femininity. Very on point.
Exactly the same I told him. And here is the real truth, so hard.
This is heartbreaking. I recognize him in everything you're saying down to being noting to him but a mother and an audience.
Omg! When you said the fact 21:29 that you are not a man to your woman doesn't allow her to be a woman to you really resonated with me. You hit the nail on the head for what I have been thinking and feeling in my relationship but could not articulate. Being a 'man' for was never about paying for the meal outside in a restaurant. It would go far beyond that. A man is supposed to be strong, stand by you, stand by his words most importantly, be consistent, not run a mile at a hurdle that might me experienced. Those are qualities I sought after in my soon to be ex-narc husband but did not see. I really think that affected me being a woman towards him. The failed promises from the biggest to the smallest things. The not showing up when promising he would. The lack of responsibilities within the relationship and household. I was shouldering it all.
Me too…. Exactly the same here!
I think you’re one of the most intelligent ppl I’ve ever come across
Many Narcs have kids & destroy them.
Correction: Narcs have kids to destroy them. They don't love their children they don't even like their children, they constantly sabotage them, abuse and humiliate their children. Children are supply.
@@bellaapple2166 Yes. Don't forget the Borderlines who have kids so Mum can extort unconditional love from her child, while traumatizing her.
I 100% agree that admitting to your illness and helping others is most respectable ! Most people ( my experience ) remain in denial of their issues.
I’m sorry you have to deal these unsophisticated people .
Indeed Sam Vaknin can help and his explanation and advice is priceless. But... you do not believe he does that to help others, do you? 😅 It is all about he feels good about himself being the expert in many fields- theory and practise .
☹
@Kitt Kat I'm sure he feels good about it, but it's still a better way to use his narcissistic energies!
When I was 37 I had a psychotic break. I lost everything my home my children and people discriminated against me. It took me decades to get where I am today. I have many learning disability. Thank you for saying I’m OK. I wrote my autobiography to help people understand mental illness and in doing so humiliating myself by telling the truth. Like you said Sam people hate truth tellers.
@@ninath13 Thank you Thomas. I just had my house blessed yesterday. This morning you told me God bless you. My abuser died about a year ago. After being pushed out of bed in the middle of the night and landed on the floor hit my head while sleeping. I knew it was time to bless my house. I feel my abuser was still with me. I new a year ago it was only god that could save me. My abuser almost destroyed me physically mentally and spiritually.I swear he most took my soul the light in my eyes was almost gone. Thomas if you’re still in a relationship with your abuser like Sam says RUN!!!
I really wish you could tell more
My Ex is having a psychotic break and I'm desperate to know what might snap him out of the delusions. None of it makes sense and I have felt like facts would help me fight the battle but he refuses to listen to anyone other than himself. His NPD also gets in the way of debunking the looney stuff he says about phones, the internet, tracking and being watch. Fairly certain there are drugs involved to - any suggestions?
You are the best expert out there on this subject. Thank you for all !
You have helped me immensely. I am a co-dependent which I have known for a long time. What I didn't know was how this destructive mental illness affected my life nor was it ever explained by any therapist. Because of listening to your videos, I have become somewhat aware of childhood traumas, resulting co-dependency and how this drove my bad decisions. I am 71, in March of 2020 (beginning of pandemic) was discarded by my narcissist partner whom I had a relationship of over 40 years in a very cruel manner. Being able to process my issues saved my sanity. Thank you
Hope you are doing better these days Mary,happy Christmas to you from a fellow codependent
Dear Prof Vaknin, Please don't worry about toxic people who criticise you. Please carry on with your job. You gave us hope and the deepest look into what we are experiencing in narcissistic abuse. Thank you so much for every video. No therapist has knowledge like you.thete is more healing from listening to your videos than from attending therapy for years
You will rarely -if ever - find someone who combines in depth knowledge and competency about a subject matter with the willingness and drive to tirelessly offer, explain, dissect it in such a way that even a haphazardly educated lemming like myself finds it interesting, learns, self reflects and is grateful for the opportunity to listen to this man.
On top of this he has the greatness to overcome internal boundaries of shame and risks potential self humiliation by freely offering his personal experience and case study up for us to listen to.
This is real greatness and it is appreciated by the one willing and open to learn.
As for the sarcastic commenters:
Pouring pearls to the pigs!
- You just failed a chance to learn, but instead you provided a good view of what you see when you look into the mirror.
Thank you Prof. Sam Vaknin!
Wish you all the Best.
Please keep it coming.
I've been in a 29 year marriage where I've been controlled and manipulated continuously. My husband and I were finally tested using the MCMI-IV. It was decided he has NPD and HPD based on his extreme interpersonal exploitative and controlling behaviors. My test showed that I had some tendencies toward schizoid but it was hypothesized I appeared this way due to possible long term exposure to a narcissist. Mr. Vaknin, your lectures on this are very interesting to me. You stated schizoid has no sex drive, no desire to connect, and lack emotions. That's me. I have always felt like the masculine part of our relationship. He wants all kinds of foreplay, extended out over long periods of time, like play acting etc. I have no desire to connect in this way with him. I just want to do it and be done. Now that he's out of the house, my femininity is slowly coming back in interesting ways and I am beginning to feel emotions again as well. This is all very fascinating.
I appreciate you for sharing this. I too felt a loss of my feminine self. I never associated it with the emotional abuse, stonewalling, etc. I have my own place niw. Your post gives me hope. Thank you
My ex told me he would rather that I have sex with someone but not love someone else. He took everything sexy I felt about myself away. No flowers, no gifts, verbally abusive. I provided a nurturing home, MY biological children as a family. Something he knew nothing about in life. We had a sexless marriage because of exactly the things you mentioned. I was angry at being the mom, the man, the wife. It's not possible to feel sexually attracted to your "man child".
I'm sorry that you have come to know this dark, lonely experience. Your words resonate with me because it has been my reality for almost 15 years. I've moved out and started therapy. I dont think I'll have a shot at true peace until I am emotionally prepared for the backlash and the battle that will follow filing for divorce. May your recovery journey be filled with moments of unexpected joy & peace ❤
Absolutely agree with you
Prof. Vaknin, you have been one of my top masters in life and in my field, psychology. Don't ever quit!!!
I wish a whole lot of people didn't have children. LOL. I didn't have children & I am not a Narc. I knew I wasn't healed from my own childhood & might inflict that poison on my kids.
@@blaqwitch7781 When I was younger people gave me a hard time telling me I was heartless - not a real woman. Now I am 61 & finally feel like I could be a parent. Anyway too many people in the World anyway & I don't need to add to that number.
@@blaqwitch7781
People have children for all sorts on unconscious & often selfish reasons.
Jeez you need lessons & a license to drive a car, but you can drag an innocent human into the World & F it up.
sometimes not having children is the most unselfish thing a person can do.
@@justmemother2 I was Nanny to rich people's children at 21 years old, without training, experience or support. Also I had no authority. It was CRAZY.
Me too
Sam, I appreciate the candid expression of yourself and the wisdom you share to assist us in our understanding of NPD, the narcissist and the role I/family member/intimate partner plays in the Narcissist's life.
I would say that the best teachers are those who are mentally ill AND go beyond fear-to not only admit to ONESELF to having the condition, but to have the courage to admit it to a community of people who wish to point fingers at what they see as the problem, only wishing to condemn the "mentally ill" person as the problem.
I respect you for your time and efforts to help us understand better, to shed light on the solution (knowledge is power, experience is wisdom). And as uncomfortable as it may be to understand the mind and actions of those who are high on the Narcissist Spectrum or have been officially diagnosed with NPD, I know that I can be part of the solution of living as healthy as possible in a mentally ill world. Your transparency is commendable.
I learn so much from your videos . Thank you for your openness and transparency.
Those who insult you are indeed very sick
I'm admire you for being so strong and honest
Holy moly it is revolutionary! I am sure a lot of people follow this pattern just unaware. You have so much clarity!
Hi Dr Sam, It takes great courage to share what you have shared from your life experience, merely for the benefits of others, i have never seen someone being so honest/transparent (i have read many biographies, trust me). deep respect for you sir.
Nothing is more Attractive than being self aware of his/her mental instability and being transparent and out of their own will to help others. Looks aside...that should be irrelevant...its the heart ❤ You truly are a blessing. Some of us are suffering and we seek the truth..something you offer.
I don't even know know where to begin, so I'll just say this.
Your candid, intelligent, highly informative, humorous, no bullshit approach is what I've needed in this fake veneer we call this existence. Thank you, Sir
Thank you for being so honest, clear and brave, Mr Vaknin! I have a lot of compassion for my narcissistic ex and don't hate him any more after your lectures as mental illness is such a heavy burden. I understand much better what had happened between me and him for all those years and how to help myself. Hope he'll also find a way to harmonize his life - without me, of course.
Wow. Few days before my break up , my ex said to me that he doesn't feel like a man. I said to him ,that many times I was asking him to go out so I can feel like woman in the dress , because I do all . Painting walls, putting flooring,, doing shopping, cooking, cleaning, looking after kids , and what he does after work or even on days off ,is on the sofa on Instagram on the phone. And yet he is not feeling like a man. And blame every woman for his life. He started to compare himself to my teenage kids. He said, they on the phone , or day dont talk much. I did feel like I have 50 years old kid. Having kids I didn't have choice to look after them ,, my kids are not my ex kids. He was ok with them when they were little kids ,when they turn teenagers then he started to find fault and said they they don't listen, and that i dont listen . I didn't push my kids on him ,because he doest have his kids, and he said hmm he never wanted. Yet at the beginning he said to the kids that he didn't have family until he met me. So 10 years later he had enough, and I had enough to . Is all over and he even didn't talk to kids, because what he said he needs to heal . To late now few months passed. Watching your viodes I understand so much more. I always had to be father and the mother for my kids. What choice do I have, they have only me. So sometimes woman has no choice like to be strong , do what she can ,when man ( some man ) when bored go for another woman.
I once confronted my narcissist about his porn addiction (which took the place of having sex with me). He responded by saying, "Mastubating is quick and easy, I don't have to put my mind to it. Having sex is too much work." How did I stay so long? 😢
Creepy, horrible. No relationship
25 years without intimacy. He says he doesn't have libido but is watching porn all the time.
If you are a narcissist or not, you are an expert in psychology so the 'Nay sayers' are just inflated narcissists who have nothing to brag with.
You are a treasure and your lessons are for free!
Pls forgive them for saying these things or just ignore as these people are all hurt people. You are doing fantastic job helping all of us. And this is an understatement. Thank you!
PS. You get better looking with age btway, so I'm not sure what they are saying. 🤷♀️
I took no offense whatsoever. Most people would agree with their assessment, actually.
Yes I agree. Whatever Sam thinks about himself he's helped me immensely. He's self critical. As the Daughter of a 'Mummy Dearest' and enabling naive father I had no clue. Attracted new physcopths and narcistic characters with no defenses or understanding of what was going on!
Bloody master class on the inner life of a narcissist. over a decade ago I followed instructions you laid out in a July 15, 2007 post titled...Adult Children of Narcissists
where you explained how to minimize the behaviour of difficult (narc) parents. Mom was the narc....I the golden child. Thank you. It worked flawlessly. Baruch HaShem....
Here you have it my fellow survivors ...THE TRUTH.
This is the most realist message Ive heard in a long time. We need to come together and help each other.
When I had breast cancer scare, I was afraid I'd no longer be a woman and me wanting to be a woman ended the 17 yr shared fantasy within months.
One Narcissist injures and the other, like you, helps with healing.. You are the dark knight. I can see how your sense of responsibility towards fellow humans makes you protective. You are emotionally insightful and remarkably brave. My prayers include you these days, Doctor.
Thank you for your bravery to be honest and sharing. Thank you so much ❤
Yes, I thought you are joking about being a narcissist because I got is as a weird sense of humor, This is the first time I see admitting to it seriously. I also think you are a great professor above all, making complex concepts easy to understand. I listen from start to end and sometimes I take notes.
Those that say they look at you differently after listening to this obviously don’t understand the severity of a relationship with a narcissist and how dangerous and violent it can be your job is not to impress people or make them like you your job is to bring transparency and facts and that’s what you have done and that’s what people need to truly understand and get it their head so I appreciate and I’m thankful for what you have taught me and I have much respect for you
Thank you so much for your videos and Frank honesty. It takes a real man with balls to be so honest about something that most would remain in denial about. And those whom you're helping the most are probably not so empty that they feel the need to lash out
I absolutely agree with you on the comment you make about mental illness. Even something as innocuous as depression, someone once said to me "I'm not that kind of person" and I asked her what kind of person becomes afflicted with depression. I then drew her a drawing of neurons, the synapses if the nerve junctions and how neurotransmitters are passed from one neuron to the next, and how cortisol and adrenalin which are produced under stressors placed upon the body and brain, over which we have no control, uptake serotonin at the synapses of the nerve juntion, rendering us seritonin depeted and thus we become depressed whether we like it or not. I asked her how she intended to stop this process from happening, because all of this is controlled by our central nervous system. She had no answer. I then told her that she had just made the statement that is the equivalent of saying "I'm not the type of person who gets cancer". That shut her up right there and then.
Carnivore diet heals depression too.
@melanieoreilly2565 serotonin research is extremely new. We don't actually know what the exact role serotonin plays in depression. Others theorize it occurs due to trauma or early wounding, or that it's a spiritual problem. My point is that science isn't the whole truth. This is one theory they've used to push meds tho....
@@olenjka55 Rubbish
@marciestoddard730 Serotonin research is far from new. Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors have been on the market for decades. They were preceded by Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors, They were followed by Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and there have been further advancements since that. Thank God for medical science.
@olenjka55 Recent studies indicate that high protein, low carbohydrate diets, of which the carnivore diet is without a doubt the worst offender (as reported in the press at the end of May 2024) are extremely unhealthy, and very damaging to the kidneys. All these "extreme" diets are harmful. My own son followed the Atkins diet for 8 months, and lost weight rapidly, until one morning, he woke up and urinated blood. He has suffered from severe Gout ever since. The article I read discussed cardiovascular issues, and it would not surprise me in the slightest. Anything in the extreme is dangerous. I do know one thing though. Trying to reason with extremists is an exercise in time wasting. Let them learn their lessons on their own.
You are GENIUS. I want you to know how valuable your presence is! Forever GRATEFUL to you(prof.) Sam are the one who has brought me to understand so much of what I knew but couldn't verbalise. I truly love your teachings! Thank you! You save so many from mental anguish and torments and you heal hearts and souls.
❤❤❤
The very best, most brutally honest thing I've heard! In truth, I am sorry for the negative responses you received for the answer to the questions we apparently asked you. I think it's ridiculous to watch anything you don't like, just to be hateful and judgmental is sad. Happiness is internal. We do make choices, and I'm so thankful someone else sees that people refuse to work on themselves. Instead, they numb out, look at others, and judge after vicariously living through all their different various lives through their screens, instead of pursuing their own beauty and happiness in their own lives. I've empathy, I also understand reality. Everyone is messed up and should take advice or don't and stay in our own lane.
They must think you are a traitor giving away their secrets! Of course he is self soothing when he lures you in and discards you. And he's basking in the belief that somewhere each of his discards is pining away. Lolol It's likely some are, but at least one :) has intellectualized the experience and is now fascinated with the inner workings of it. It's a great tool of desensitization- this information that I think only you could give.
These video’s and your deep understanding of the dynamics of narcism will be your legacy, and what a legacy! Thank you, as these videos helped me to understand things I couldn’t while being in a relationship with a narcissist, and helped me to get out and keep my sanity. It also helped me to still have compassion for him instead of treating him badly. I can’t thank you enough for giving us an insight into your world.
Please talk about the role of a cold abusive distant father in making of a male narcissist.
You are absolutely right about the way people condemn mental illness. In my opinion it takes someone with mental illness, to attack/insult another person they have never met online. I agree 100% with your statement, that this is the time people need to be sticking together and helping each other for the greater good, despite their differences. We are all about to experience a huge wake up call. We need to stand strong before all is lost.
Thank you for being real honest you give us the tools to understand this type of personality so we can protect our self and our family without your insight your raw definition of this illness we wouldn’t have a clue how to face this problems...we appreciate what you are doing for us... thank you
You are a treasure.
Huge respect for you Sam. I love listening to your videos. Thank you for helping me understand this intriguing condition.
This intro you are an expert comedian too 😃🙏 and thank you for adressing and advocating against shaming people for having a mental illness and for explaining why being dismissive to people that are being open about their mental illness is harmfull and unnesscesary.
I so appreciate your authenticity in this video the whole video through. You're such invaluable help to all of us.
Sam I know why my narcissist chose me. I gave him the three S l was broken mentally but he didn’t know I found you and realized what he was doing. I am the one that got away. You’re right they tried to turn you into zombies. I was close to being one. I swear he almost took my soul. I’ll keep this video and replay it and replay it. I can’t think of one video I haven’t enjoyed of yours. I call you Sam because it seems like I almost know you. Thanks again Professor!!!
I have learned so much from your videos. I have even read further into various subjects that you talk about. There is a lot of information on here to absorb and I thank you for that. I also see talking about your experience as strong, truthful, and refreshing. So many people lie to themselves and others. I think in a lot of ways the world subverts the power of truthfullness by shaming it. Because people just can't handle it.
Respect for your vulnerability and honesty. Thank you for your channel :)
We call that a man child. A person that appears like an adult man, but is actually a child and needs to be cared for and validated with praise and adored, provide services, care for, but to a narcissist manchild not a child.
No. In the case of the narcissist it is ONLY a child. There is no hint or trace of a man. So, no, the narcissist is not even a MANchild.
My contempt is because of what or whom you can be....but you are not. .. . Because you choose to not be. ..... . wow Vaknin - this is brilliant. As well as exactly how I feel.
Dr. Vaknin… I am learning so much from your videos, thank you very much ! I am so surprised, that situations that I lived with my narc, where direct consequence of his narcisistic personality. I am so sorry for the terrible childhood you had, and cant experience the love. My narc told me the other day…I am very practical, and answered him… being so practical makes you resign empathy and emotions, you have to get that balanced. He isnt diagnosed, but fits with many of the narcisistic characteristics, but my doubt is, if he is a patological narcisistic or a complicated selfish egomaniac that can recover. I have to decide, the more I know, the better. He made some changes… but will be permanent or what ? Dont know. He always says he wants peace, but also is permanently looking for my reactions. I think he is a covert narcisist. Thank you for so much, Dr Vankin !!!!
ive learned so much from this channel that my interactions with narcissists are becoming much better.
I am so thankful , that you talk about this to soooooo many people here , I totally agree with you, mentally illness must be out speaken and not put under the ground. Thank you for your work , I hope you go on and on like you do now.
This is such a good video professor. You’ve given so much clarity into the complexity of a narcissistic mind and their relationships. Ignore the critics, they haven’t spent enough time on your content to gain a deeper knowledge. I love your work, please don’t stop…you’ve helped more than you’ll ever know ❤
“You are just healthy guy. You are not a narcissist.”😂😂 These individuals are so crazy. Thank you Dr. Vaknin for another amazing video!
i dont understand, please explain ❤😅
@@dharavasishth Listen to his video! It’s in that context.
How grateful I am for you sharing your experience of not being wired for sexual intimacy. It explains well a missing piece of why I began to feel distain for my partner. I thought I could forego my wish to be acknowledged as a flowing, mysterious, creative feminine essence who enjoyed physical touch and play as a form of communication and connection. I tried to my best to sacrifice this part of myself in the relationship as to not pressure him. It didn’t work as I became less and less happy with everything I was hoping would be worth the denying this important part of being a woman. I appreciate your honesty and explanation. Understanding the dynamics helps in moving on. Actually, may partner did tell me early on he wasn’t interested in sex and I didn’t really believe him. I wanted to believe it meant he was interested in other aspect of me rather than only sexual. Self delusional! Living through a narcissistic relationship has been a tremendous awaken of my own self abandonment and living in fantasy. I feel like I have been catapulted into awareness of why I was such a target. It’s been a difficult awakening I trust giving me wisdom of how for one thing I wasn’t honest in the relationship. I knew somehow it would break the agreed upon psychosis as you have said. Ugh. I hoped he’d change his mind. That alone I have come to recognize as unloving. In all truth, I am not a victim.
I really have to stay sharp to be able to follow your mind and process your intellectual information everytime! I do not always agree or support what you are teaching, but actually.. i think you are nothing less than a hero to this generation and all the next!! Thank you for your honesty.. you are helping a lot of women who have been through this misery with a narc. And thank you for explaning the abnormal world of a narc. I have learned so much from you..please continue! Great respect for you. Greetings, monica. Ps. I wish there where more of you! Nothing to be ashamed about, rather proud!
Ever grateful Prof.vaknin for your undiluted truth about topics, I must say that I'm blessed to have found ur channel. Thanks again and may you be blessed more. Well done Prof.vaknin.
Thank you Sam for being so honest, you can be proud of yourself, or of your falls self as you have described it!
Do not listen to the creeps, accusing you of all kind of things those are cowards, hiding behind a chat on google
תודה רבה תמשיך עם כל העבודה שאתה עושה!
I applaud your respect for your conditions/needs and your respect for the women in your life’s needs. I currently and in a 6 year marriage of trickery, lies theft and abandonment. I am mostly alone, no one to help me with bills and I care for my ailing uncle. Sadly I don’t know how to leave my husband because I tried once and he stalked me to the point I live in paranoia and then he followed with the worst smear /lie campaign on me so I don’t hear from my family much, he has very violent tentacles and I’m scarred to even leave my room most the time, it’s like I’m hostage to make him happy so he can go do drugs crack preferred and hang out with his friends he comes home when every he wants angry and paranoid ... I’m unable to speak or it will turn into violent, horrible name calling and a lot of fear for me, I barely have the strength to pick up the pieces anymore. Just so alone, scared and confused. Thank you for your honesty, it’s hard for a lot of people! I Thank you for your teachings and promise to share this deviant and life sucking issue, I’m grateful I’m not alone. In your presence at least. Thank you
Would recording him at times he makes you feel weak and alone, give you some feeling that you are not alone.
Someone, a situation, a change, it will come - and it will be there to help you.
I hope if ur reading this lady, I kno ur scared and that’s what he wants but I kno ur stronger than he would ever imagine and u need to remember that, education is the key it’s ur backbone in ur fight to save urself from this hurt, sad, confused man child but u can do this u can
I'm very proud of you for your courages and bravery acts and come clean! And you are such a man to say, admit, accept, aware and shRe the truth to the whole world to help others.
You are helping me to understand my husband.
Thank you for the precious information. It is high time we realise that only through helping and supporting one another will we be able to live under such harsh circumstances.
I don’t know what to say about these low vibrating people who would do and say these disparaging remarks. I admire you so much and so look forward to your videos. Your willingness to jump into the swirl of humanity is nothing less than heroic. Yes, your heart is huge. I tend to be a narcissist’s magnet (I am sure I have my share of the same)so you have been so helpful to me! Thank you from the bottom of my personal heart!
I admire your transparency. Thank you for being so open. I agree with you, people with mental illnesses should be given the same level of compassion as those with physical illnesses.
The issue is the deliberate efforts of so many mentally ill people to punish those willing to stand by them. It's debilitating to those trying to stay in relationship with them. I stayed for 30 years in a marriage, abused routinely by the narcissist who really seemed to enjoy it, and upped his game regularly. Sadly, I finally had to admit I couldn't help. I walked away feeling if I couldn't help, at least he knew he had known love.🤷♀️
Horrible what people (women & maybe also men) write to you, Sam! You are awesome! You help us, who suffered from narzissistic abuse so much with your information! The way you use your narzissism for helping people is amazing! Thank's a lot!
"There is not a tinfoil head in the majority of cases but there is a tinfoil mentality"😂.. Only Sam Vaknin! Does anyone coin better metaphors than that! 🙌 How I love listening to you.
The text was written with the help of a translator, so please excuse me in advance for any mistakes.
I want to express my gratitude for your research on the problem of narcissism, indeed sometimes it seems that this does not apply to you, but I believe you. And admiration for your intelligence. Thanks to your videos, I have learned a lot about my father.
Please tell me, do you think that people who have decided to have children can be carriers of narcissistic trauma, but not of a narcissistic structure?
When in one of the last videos you said you were 60 and all the experience you had was being a narcissist, I burst into tears. I think it's very hard and I'm sorry, extremely sorry that there is no real cure for narcissism.
Thank you for your hard work.
Search the channel for “epigen” and for “generation”.
I’m still dealing with my trauma bond, everyday still challenging , but I have compassion and understanding for my ex NPD (undiagnosed) Perhaps its my own codependency (diagnosed) that allows me to feel this, who knows. He didn’t ask for his trauma.... his mental illness. It was inflicted on him as a child by his abusive father and mother.... his still enmeshed mother. How very sad for the man who’s mother insisted on her son to be her lifelong emotional support. Emotional incest. To never be allowed to have children, a wife.... and still today, not even a lover. I don’t have to be in a relationship with him any longer but I can still humanly love him from afar. Its a challenge at times. When someone is that afraid to love can we not just be that one constant for them. The very thing they long for. Sam Vaknin you have educated me and through this education saved my own sanity. For that I will be forever grateful. I’m truly sorry you had to read those awful messages. When I hear such awful things like that it makes me wonder who the narcissist actually is. Warmest Regards En.
Yes! What she said!
I am gratefull for all the information you share with us. After 4 years of not understanding what was going on with my boyfriend, I do now! So much AHA moments. Thank you so much
Thank you. I appreciate you and all of your excellent content ❤
I hope you continue your videos and carry on with all the seminars and other works Dr Vaknin . You’re helping a lot of people and I always appreciate the ‘brutal honesty’ . I want to get to my full potential.. or die trying! 😅
Thank you, Dr Sam. My first experience with Narcissism, up close and personal, I was so confused by my partner's behavior but, your lectures in University stayed with me. I found your lectures on TH-cam and my comfort zone and self respect are stil intact. I applaud your bravery and appreciate your academir honesty and willingness to share your knowledge
Prof. Sam, I would like to add how deeply touch I was in your closing wish for us hoping this vulnerable video could help us to heal. Indeed, your wish has been received. I noticed you were not looking at the camera but down. Then I felt an energy of great sadness wash through you. It seemed a deep authentic, painful acceptance of your own predicament as if you are bearing your own cross so to speak. This moment whether real or imagined has helped free me of from fragments of rot and wrath left from my awakening of what happened in my relationship with a person with NPD. Again, I am not his victim as I played my part as well. I thought our relationship as an experiment in consciousness that I could rise above being dismissed as a woman. Rather grandiose on my part as well, eh?! Little did I know how dangerous that would turn out to be. Thank you for helping feel deeper into the multiplicity of the human condition.
Thank you Sam for your imput and honesty you have helped me alot over the past 4 years through your videos . You help people to understand these very serious mental health issues . Not many people are willing to speak about their demons and the fear of speaking the truth has caused so much hurt . Human nature is strange throughout history many good ,honest people have been assassinated for trying to help ,heel ,change and bring truth forward while evil lives on hidden in plain sight it can get so confusing to know truth from lies and insanity flourishes in this environment. Thanks again Sam l understand most of what you say but l dont pretend to have the intelligence to make total sence of it all . I suppose how can insanity make sence . Its kinda like the saying mad people dont know they are mad . If we can accept we are sick then we can accept we need help to recover . Denial and lies will keep us sick
Actually, I appreciate the honesty. Its very refreshing. The women and or any men who reacted and retaliated, with verbal assault, as shallow as that is, are merely living below the veil. Instead of saying. "OK, I see you, this has NOTHING to do with ME, this is YOU, expressing YOU. This is YOU being as brutally honest and open as can be...." what you said, hit some sort of internal conscious or subconscious booboo within those women. NOTHING you said so as much as tickled anything inside my brain, heart, soul etc. This is not about ME. This is about YOU. and speaking of which, round of applause 👏 for saying what you did Sam. For those women to say those things, would be equivalent imo, as someone 'coming out' as gay, or lesbian, trans etc etc, and then getting totally and utterly bashed for it- when it must have taken tremendous bravery for them to 'come out' in the first place. Everyone just wants to be accepted for who they are. No judgements. Because who are you? Who are they? Who is ANYONE to judge another!? To those that reacted and spit forth verbal poison- you really need to look inside yourself and ask why are YOU that way? Some deep internal subconscious (or conscious) repair is in order!! And back to you Sam.... For you to be truthful about yourself, is your right, and not for others to judge, which through my eyes, when people do that, reacting and judging, speaks VOLUMES about them, and their own unresolved issues. Its simply someone's OPINION, and as I said, a very shallow one, at that, with no moral integrity, or intellectual sustenance behind it. Keep doing your thing!
You are doing a KIND service. I watched a free videos as my husband deteriorated, but I wasn’t sure or I didn’t want to label him, or it compounded my exhaustion believe this while I deal with his abuse.
Your introduction in this video cemented something for me to help me realize with more certainty what I have been up against.
Thank you.
THANK YOU!
I find you so brave and inspiring. To take your circumstances and be so candid and to use your tremendous intellect to help struggling people. Thank you. I cant believe people would write you and express those vile opinions. It says more about them than you.
Nailed it, as usual. My narcissistic ex boyfriend of 3 years drove me mental when we were together; he wasnt a real man! I even shouted as much at him. Many times. I begged him to just because real man. I wonder if he even really knew what I meant. I'm sure his porn-addicted, alcohol and drug-addicted self thought that he appeared as a man.
F*ck... #naileditincommentarytoo
Yeah, that's the problem. He definitely thought that. He still does. He always will.
I am shocked and amazed by your honesty! Thank you so much. Your explanations help me to such a degree . You are changing the world. I will be eternally grateful. Knowledge is indeed power.
I couldn't really understand my past relationship in full detail until I got to your videos Dr.Sam, if only I would have found them out earlier....So thanks again for such a great insight....Saludos!
lol at anyone trying to insult you. You are hands down the authority that helped me better understand abuse (I had no idea I was being abused due to the way I was raised) that almost got me killed by ak-47. Because of you, I was able to finally leave for good. He then killed himself with said weapon. I was lifelong suppy since childhood, the kind he tried to make secret pacts with to cheat on my future husband when I finally broke up with him. He didn't think I would ever truly leave him and he tried a multitude of ways to make sure I didn't. He never wanted me to leave and I did in secret because you taught me the mortification concepts. You saved my life and spared who knows how many other women and children from being abused and raped by him like I was. As long as you don't continue to abuse I do believe the work you do is an incredible redemption of sorts. Honestly, I don't know you personally, and I hesitate to say this because I don't know how you treat people in your life, but in this regard of helping us understand the disorder, I am legitimately proud of you. You are the only living evidence I am aware of a narcissist using their disorder to help - and in my case, helped save my life. You help us see into the mind of something we cannot comprehend. I was so lost and never able to understand the "why" by those narcissism videos made by non-narcissists, which allowed me to continuously forgive and think he was going through a "hard time." Thank you.
Sam, I say this with with full respect for your work and all the insight you have provided over the years for those of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse, but I was wondering if it would be possible to make a few videos on the healing aspect of narcissistic abuse, healing methods, identifying primary wounds that make us susceptible to narcs in the first place, effective methods for healing those wounds etc. The whole point (I think) is that we eventually move on from watching these videos after we understood what happened to us and put the abuse behind us in order to move on the better things and people.
The whole point is that you search this channel before you abusively waste my time. There are more than 140 videos here dedicated to your questions!!!
You are the best Sam. You are making a great contribution to the world, a really big investment. Thank you so so so much. ❤❤❤ greetings from Russia. This lecture explained so much to me - why i distanced myself from a man when he refused taking care of me like a man, not anymore taking me out, no longer seducing me with gifts, not trying to give me money to win my heart. I distanced myself at the price of losing relationship. Because I hate any other role, but a woman, who can walk away.
I really appreciate your candid honesty. Keep up the good work.
You do get something out of all this. You get to know that you are trying to help humanity out of this mess it has gotten itself into, which is more than most are doing. None of us are perfect by any stretch, but the ones who are trying to do better even when it's not always easy should be applauded because that takes real courage. Something most people don't have, especially those who TRIED to put you down. Says more about them and who they are and that they are part if not the ring leaders of this mess we desperately need to get out of and transcend to a better place that can actually take pride in calling ourselves human. I thank you, sir.
Thank you for all of your videos… very disappointing people would make rude comments about your videos. If they can’t appreciate where you are coming from they should not watch. Good for you, explaining that being open and admitting to your inadequacies is a thing to be commended. I agree, takes a strong secure person to do that! The people who criticise and want people like you to stay quiet are prob enablers or narrow minded and not dealing with their own personal situations. What you are doing is great, and you have helped me and probably many more people too.. keep up the good work!
Great talk Sam so real, it helps me understand your position. There must be many relationships like yours that people perceive as immoral or strange. You’re honesty is admirable and insightful...people need to understand others and not be so judgmental.
Totally appreciate all of your videos ! They are so eye opening and detail . Mine isn’t so asexual we do at least 3x a week but I have to be one to initiate it and I hate it because first few years wasn’t like that . Ughh . It’s stressful and your femininity deteriorates but I don’t let myself I go and do other classes go out w friends etc and then he is there chasing again but tired of this kind game ! It’s best to be alone then w emotionally immature men! Drains the shit out of your soul
I hate these negative assholes on your behalf. You’ve been very helpful to me and I promote you frequently on my social media to help people understand the “President” of America. You’ve also helped me understand the narcs in my life and to stop blaming myself. And frankly, until I found your videos regarding the sexual issues of the narc, I second-guessed my belief I had accurately labeled the narcs in my life.
You fascinate me and I’m grateful. You’ve probably saved my life and countless others. F the fools who don’t understand your gift. I’ll join your fan club any day!
samvak.tripod.com/faq19.html#trump
I have benefited greatly from your straight forward no nonsense approach.
😯 I Never thought of this this way. For the narc I am not a real woman because I chose him. How could I be? If I fell for the love bombing. I liked him I loved him for doing absolutely nothing.🤔
I think that when we show our vulnerability, whatever our weaknesses or problems are, we are indeed very brave. We all have things to work out.
In this damaged society it is very difficult that humans go through life without any health challenges and issues.
I agree absolutely with you.
……. Wow!!! I am married to your twin brother.
This video out of all I have seen …. Just hit home 100%!!!!
My thoughts I never said out loud.. for fear it was not possible… but …. Its not only possible but it is really real… I married to a child, not a man!!!!!
😳😳😳
Thank you for posting this. I was a wife of a man who was a father/child dynamic. I was so desperate for emotion. He allowed an open relationship, but I couldn't go. I always blamed myself for not being enough. Again thank you. I now have a reason behind the feeling. X