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Pessimism for Lovers
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ส.ค. 2024
- We’re used to thinking of pessimism as the enemy of good things, but when it comes to relationships, it can be a vital ingredient in keeping a couple together.
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“The only people we could think of as normal are the ones we don’t know yet very well”
Powerful statement.
Except many people don't really know me, but probably think I'm weird.
No rule without exception :D
Fadi Al Salti SUPER DEEP statement.
having been a subscriber for years without leaving anything here. I can't help but to say, The School of Life is one of the best thing i have ever come across in my life.
It's the same for me! Thank you The School Of Life!
It's definitely one of the lights in the storm we cross everyday. BUT TO HAVE A GREATER IMPACT ON THE WORLD WE NEED TRANSLATIOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Totally agree...
And first comment turns into top comment, im very delighted. Guys, rather than clicking the ''like'' button and "Add to", why not give "Share" a try. Spread the world some kindness.
+yoyo
A few of their videos have brought me to tears.
"Expectations are the enemies of love" 😪😒 this statement is more real than my Narcissistic portrayal of myself
Being an adult is hard
Fun lies in the challenge
I am really starting to make that mental jump and analyse my relationships with people according to the TSOL approach. I have became calmer and much more accepting of others and their defects. Thank you guys!
"The only people we think of as normal are people we don't yet know well." woe
I think one of the biggest issues in relationships is that people are often far more interested in what they can get out of it, rather than what they can give. Think your partner should be sensitive to your moods, be more thoughtful, give you space when you need it? Are *you* all of those things to *them*?
I dont understand why these videos dont get more views.
15000 in one day is pretty damn good, if you ask me.
+Atomic Surge Yes and no. Nowadays in TH-cam 15k is not that much. It deserves a lot more. And taking into account people from all the world watch TH-cam ... its not that much, sadly.
Usually the numbers climb between 100k and 800k, depending on the subject. For instance, their video on Plato has a million views. It did take a while, but it did happen. And I would agree it's very much deserved.
I notice a distinct rise in views for videos that typically have educational references and some that cover topics that everyone can relate to. I think that's why videos on political theory or for ex. Plato have numerous amounts of views due to students, teachers, schools, etc. watching and using them for lessons..
+Atomic Surge yeah... now compare those videos to a gameplay... thats the society we live in.
Oddly enough, I seem to be a optimist with low expectations.
Same !
That is good to question and be happy where you are.
If you always expect the worst, you'll go through life being pleasantly surprised.
same here hahaha
I'm a cynic masquerading as an optimist
do people really dislike pessimism that much?
I lived most of my life being pessimistic about most things, and occationally find a delightful suprise, that something happens to be good. it's such a useful approach.
instead of being optimistic and getting dissapointed, I'm being passimistic and things often go better than expected.
though, I'm not pessimistic to the point of it crippling me.
agree
There is a misconception that to be pessimistic means that you are never happy. I've learned that it is quite the opposite.
This is actually something Marcus Aurelius talks about in Meditations. I'm not sure if the idea comes from a stoic's school of thought, but he says the exact same thing. If you meet yourself with the worst expectations, and fixate on that, something is bound to happen that will exceed your lowest expectations. If you meet something that will exceed your expectations then you will be pleasantly surprised.
Yes yes yes! You sure saved me some typing. At the risk of sounding villainous: we're not so different, you and I.
But... isn't that spoiling your environment? Well, I don't think that it would be pleasant to hear how everything could go wrong (in day-to-day life). Wouldn't it be nicer to have not exceptions at all? Then - if something's happy happens, you're surprised too! But feeling that something could go wrong and not sharing it with others might be great way to go too! (I'm not sure if it's easier tho :/ ).
"The only people we can think of as 'normal' are those we don't yet know very well." Great quote!
Chris Pollitt its sad but true. everyone is weird and great and bad in ways beyond possibly knowing the first date
This video chimes with so many of the perceptions I have formed about relationships, and why so many fail, falling victim to idealised, unrealistic demands of the other person.
To extend the ideas in this video a bit, it seems to me that when we like somebody, fall in love, or start a relationship with someone, we become attached to those parts of their character that we identify with, and reflect a positive appraisal of ourselves. The key misunderstanding that we make is conflating these specific attributes with the WHOLE character of that person.
I think that's why quite often when long-term relationships end, and the respective partners have time to think about the other (and consequently themselves) in the relationship outside the relationship itself, you find that people realise they don't have quite as much in common as they had previously assumed.
Thus, making high demands on a person seems to me like an over-stretching of those limited and particular characteristics that we understand (or think we do) about our significant other.
Brilliant video, this truly is my favourite channel on youtube.
"Expectations are the enemies of love"- You have me thinking.
this was fairly entertaining and interesting, I am glad to have spent this time in this manner.
Also, I greatly enjoy the narrators voice.
+The School of Life
^. ^
I agree!
+
I believe the voice is from allain de botton - the philosopher who created school of life. His book "essays in love" is great on how to think about relationships.
I am trying to move from the in love status of my relationship to the real love one. I am trying to learn to accept and love his mistakes without thinking I have stopped loving him for realizing about they exist. It is being hard for me but I am trying to grow as a person and as a couple. I have seen so many films about what love is (idealization, adoration, constant passion) that I have started to think that I don't love him anymore for not feeling this constantly. I am passing a tough moment in my life but I hope I'll finally learn and put aside those expectations/false conceptions. Thanks for this video ❤
Great video, but this isn't pessimism, this is simply being realistic. File it under 'nobody is perfect'.
I have found that relationship "experts" are some of the worse offenders when it comes to encouraging people to have these unrealistic expectations. They push the idea that there is a right or wrong way for a couple to interact with one another and that the deviating partner simply needs to get their act together.
I have tremendous trouble understanding 'realism' in such a colloquial way people seem to use it. I assume all people try not to be unrealistic, and whatever seems realistic to someone might be unrealistic to someone else; Although winning the lottery is objectively unlikely, people do not buy tickets because it is unrealistic (subjectively). The word is very ambiguous and almost vacuous. Apart from that trivial remark, I agree with you.
+ErkaaJ maybe pragmatism is a better word? Pessimism implies a certain level of negativity; realism implies a sort of high level prescience that no one (except maybe Alain de Botton) possesses; they mentioned in a previous video that loving relationships should be full of practical considerations and discussions if they are to be successful.
slosol
Even pragmatism is somewhat unclear, for the same reasons; No one would think of themselves or wants to be unpragmatic. But I think you succeed in making a clearer distinction.
I do not agree that pessimism implies negativity; That is just the American culture infecting our language. Pessimism is if anything neutral, simply not expecting good. To not expect traffic on the way to work (neutral, not expecting the good) is different from expecting to die on the way to work (expecting the worst).
Tempelton Amor
Being a weirdo about life is what I love about life.
Pessimism, by definition implies a negative outlook.
"a tendency to see the worst aspect of things or believe that the worst will happen; a lack of hope or confidence in the future."
The reason that I say its more about being realistic, in the examples of the video, a person that views the world that way doesn't make any allowances for differences. Every interaction is binary.
the last sentence should be the first lesson you learn at school, and then be repeated every year
Here are the three movies you must watch before getting married:
1. "Scenes from a marriage" by Ingmar Bergman
2."Who is afraid of Virginia Wolf" by Mike Nichols
3. "Before Midnight" by Richard Linklater
Do NOT watch them all at once. And if you have a heart disease ask your doctor for permission first.
I am talking about non stop fighting with extended vocabulary... Three different depictions of hell.
But the good thing is that, if you thought that you could live with someone happily ever after, then these movies will kill the last bit of hope in you.
Well, this is all very dark but NOT bitter. Once you accept the nature of the issue, either you decide to have a peaceful life on your own, or you do dare to live with someone, but at least you know what's coming.
In that case, since you already are " undeluded", you won't be that disappointed. You will enjoy the beautiful moments together as something truly "extraordinary" and feel eternally grateful for them.
What about "The War of the Roses"? I just saw some previews from the movies you recommended, you have me hooked. They are on my list. Thanks!
I really have to thank TSOL and Alain De Botton. I've been following this channel for over a year and reading Alain De Botton's books since. It's really changed the way I have looked at my own relationships and how I view love/marriage in general. I seriously don't know where I would be without it because at the point in which I found the channel I was scratching my head and desperately looking for answers (e.g. wondering if someone else was "better" for me, and why I felt a great sense of sacrifice that I was choosing to be with just one person even though I knew my partner is actually pretty bloody good). I felt quite alone and odd about it all because I didn't have anyone to talk to. Anyway, thank the internet gods that this channel was a "suggested channel" that showed up on my homepage!
A very interesting idea to anticipate the worse case scenario in every romantic endeavour, but I think another question that I'm wondering about is, how do we do it? I've subscribed myself to this philosophy of pessimism for a while now, but despite knowing what to do in theory, in reality however, my mind tends to unconsciously adapt to an ideal image of how I want things to be without me even being aware of it, and then I would just end up being depressed again. Any suggestion on how to escape this psychological trap?
I feel the exact same!!!! I was having the same thoughts, and this came to me at a perfect time. Thank this channel so much for spreading these thoughts and ideas. They aren't really what you think you'd want to hear, but they're very calming in the way that they make you feel normal about imperfections in yourself and others.
Nobody will understand ourselves perfectly. Hell, we even can't understand ourselves sometimes.
Pessimism needs to stop being seen as 'the bad one'.
Love that sneaky Enso behind people in the beginning. Nice buddhism reference :)
Also I find my inability to display emotions to have been helpful in this regard because I tend to advertise my problems verbally though. However, this can be a bit difficult because I like the concept of authenticity. Meaning if I say to a person that I would like some physical contact or something to destress it feels less meaningful when they provide it because it lacks a kind of authenticity or genuineness to it.
Now, in my head I know that that's not true because a lot of my partners have been well-adjusted people who don't just do things out of obligation. They truly want to do things for me but they just need some help and direction knowing what those things are. So basically tl;dr if you're disappointed that your partner hasn't intuited your desires or did something without being bidden to do them you just have to remember that what's really fundamental is not the specific things but the whole picture of how that person feels about you.
well... first you need to find someone and that's hardest part
These videos are like the friend I want emotionally, everything I want to hear from someone is in these videos. Its incredible.
I know a couple people who I really wish would watch this channel's videos
Send them a link
P Frente I was actually thinking about that. I haven't talked to her in over a month, but I was thinking of just sending her a link to the channel and nothing else.
acetate909 That's the exact reason I haven't done it
The School of Life is one of the worthy channels to subscribe to out of millions of channels on TH-cam.
For me, the more I know about that person, good or bad, I end up loving them even more because that means I know them better than anyone in the world, that they can be 100% themselves and it makes me feel close to them. That and I don't expect my significant other to be psychic. That shit's just whack, man! Break that habit and you'll lose 80% of your disappointment. Even your mom can't do that and no one else will ever love you that much!
Lilith Calmels i feel the same way! took months to get to know my ex in a way ive never done before.. i asked him mny questions and we had 12 glorious dates. YET he just went up and left me... ghosted out of nowhere when everything seemed great. Now 2 months later its still hard to grasp💔 im still wondering what i did wrong but perhaps it was just him who was faulty and couldnt handle a great woman like me? i basically felt i was perfect.. giving him space, positive flirty attitude, interest, food, sex.. i thought we got along great but apparently he had. diffrent perception:( hmm
Have you considered on adding subtitles to your videos? Maybe even community contributed subtitles?
that's not a bad idea
Trying to decide if I'm a realist or pessimist for not having many expectations 🤔
More of a both, I would say.
Pessimism is not always right--suprisingly, sometimes things can take a better turn.
Realist, pessimists have bad expectations :)
*Bad in the term of thinking that everything would go wrong
I used to think I was a pessimist, then I realized I live in a state of ennui. Personally I think not having to many expectation is more of a realist, can't expect anything from anyone. I learned that the hard way. Well hope all is well take care!
+RandomMatter not all realists say "everything will go wrong", but I haven't seen an optimist fix a divorce or abuse where they hide say " everything will go right" either.
All things have good and bad depending on perspective.
Assuming things alone without having any true knowledge isn't very smart ...and sometimes even not fair. I rather accept things what they are rather than could be ( good or bad). I am happy and thankful for the good things I have, and bad things will pass. I find nothing wrong with logical and caring realistic thinking.
the last statment of the video was powerful. good job
_The School Of Life: Breeding knowledge and contracepting relationships since 2010_
I'm all for stoicism, realism and appreciation of the messy realities of relationships. i'm curious of School of Life has tips for neuro-diverse relationships? They seem to have the potential to magnify all the issues you cover in your (excellent) videos.
Relationships seem pretty scary...
The only people we could think of as normal are the ones we don’t know yet very well.... and then you get to know them, and either they find your flaws or you find theirs. love is a negotiation, to be flexible, to understand, to be patience, to have empathy, love is to give. and still should be a two way road.
As Ajahn Brahm says, if you let go of all your expectations, you can never become disappointed.
The last video was uploaded 2 days ago. How many people are working on these animations? 30?
+The School of Life can i ask where you find the topics for your videos? and the information you use for them, im just interested thanks :p
well since these topics seem philosophical and narrating opinion (like people do in youtube comments in a matter of minutes), this doesn't require weeks of research like a science show.
whew! i was expecting the "book of life" to be the bible. you guys are alright.
Freelance animators? How may I become one?
+Andrea Grimaldi - which programs do you use to animate?
This has become more and more evident in my love life as time has gone on, and this video provided some great additional clarity. I find when I have little or no expectations in any situation with my partner, I am usually very presently surprised and also find disappointments/mishaps to be much less catastrophic and painful. Love this channel :)
Pleasantly* woops cx
I like being hopefull it makes me live life fully. But your right I don't blame my hope enough.
Having high or unrealistic expectations itself doesn't necessarily always bring problems. The key for harmony of relationship is that the couple hold similar lever of expectations and being able to respond to such expectations in the positive way. What is dangerous is when couple have different level of expectations. In this case, not having any or high expectation could be a problem too.
I'm a Pessimist towards most things, so i don't get disappointed often.
I find that not having expectations for people is more spontaneous. Relationships are meant to spontaneous. Expectations often lead to disappointments. Expectation is the root of all heartache - Shakespeare
There was some seriously deep one-liners in this video, nice job
The reason other people are disappointing is often because they really are lacking in big ways. Don't try to change them; it is rarely welcomed. Disagreements notwithstanding, look for a complete adult or be alone, I say.
anonymouse27 i agree! im a 28 year old woman now so im getting stressed as i cant find any good man out there without the major flaws and even when i try to accept them they just dump or ghost me when things seem pretty great ;/
Commiserations. I think part of the battle is knowing where to look for a partner. This means deciding what kind of a person would be compatible and good for the kind of relationship one is looking for before one goes out to look. Narrowing down selection before going out to search saves much time and effort. Moreover, working to diminish one's blind spots to one's own undesirable behaviors is important.
Ok, I will stop with the gratuitous advice, especially considering that I am single, lol.
overthinking relationships is what kills relationships.
The only people we can think of as normal is those we don't know very well. Loved that phrase, so true!
"The only people we can consider normal, is those we don't know very well"
Such a simple way of putting it, but it makes so much sense.
"I wish I was normal like the rest" or "I'm not like the others, I'm not normal" is bullshit, because everyone is uniquely complex and different - just takes time to see it
Expectations can ruin relationships. Going in with understanding we are human and communication is key. None of us are what they say normal.
Spot-on! This is exactly what goes wrong in most relationships.
Love wouldn't be Love if you don't start loving the one you love for their certain flaws, and mistakes, because true love begins when you love that person so much you start loving the parts of themselves that even they don't like.
(lmao I promise I'm not this cheesy)
I love watching this channel when I'm feeling down which is most of the time. They really help change up my viewpoints
I think this video is a great example of "Love is a choice"
this is better than the previous one that addresses the same issues, about marriage and seeking for someone else.
THIS VIDEO ENDS WITH WHAT HAS BEEN MY FAVOURITE QUOTE FOR YEARS.
Wow school of life I love you.
Ughhhh, I love how correct these videos are. Keep them up please :]
they could honestly charge for these videos. They are impeccable.
Well, they put do Ads on them so they get paid for it.
This channel has now saved my life. thank you
fanaticfloyd in what way did it save it?
This is an amazing video. Thank you.
I am a die hard pessimist, a friend of mine is a die hard optimist. We don't always agree on how to deal with things, but we're both realists with a different approach.
I love this channel so much. They speak so much truth.
Videos are amazing and deep. But they are too fast I feel. there are no gaps to reflect on what i just heard. but i really appreciate the content and the intent behind them.
Pessimism is so important.
Brillant video !
The School of Life, I'm so happy to have found you at the right time in my life.Thanks for helping me broaden my horizon and giving me a perspective!
OMG that was amazing!! This channel is changing me to a better person
Fabulous! Never seen something better!
Some situations are just not easy to compromise.
My requirements are just that they should be, cleanly, organized, have some goals in life, be kind, have humour and some fellow interests with me and it's a definite plus if they're good looking :)
One of your best ones.
funny. true. interestingly revealing. but still, a bit of a downer. funny though. thanks Alain.
Discover the harmony together.....
A kin to the grass is always greener on the other side.
?Don't get it, Care to elaborate
it's a metaphor for "you always want what you don't have" but it's true literally as well because of the angle in which you see your own grass is different from the angle you see the grass that is further away.
the grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit 🐂💩
*Akin.
could you please start adding English subtitles and an option for us to translate? I really want to show these videos to some people, but they Dow know English. and I would love to translate it!
i second that!
"The only people we can think of as normal are those we don't yet know very well"
Thank you for this video
this was some amazing insight. Thanks Alain
What a great blessing your videos are - they should be taught in school
Powerful. Wow. Why have i just found this?!
An interesting take. I'm glad explicit communication is the first "rule" in my "book". I believe it's a good first step, that I personally extracted from my past relationships.
Thank God for this channel!
Pessimism is a way of life. if you're pessimistic about everything, you can only ever be pleasantly surprised whereas an optimist is only ever meeting expectations or gets let down.
Just loved it!!! One of the best interpretations of pessimism!!
Hey, that's my arm, right there, at 1:09.
im not pessimistic, im just blank. as in, i dont expect ANYTHING. i dont expect bad, nor do i expect good. once, i had let my guard down. it turned out really bad.
Accurate and Fantastic
SOL always posts what I need to hear right when I need to hear it
growing up i never got any of these life lessons from my parents, these videos filled in alot of massive holes that seemed incomprehensible at one point.
How could one possibly give this a thumbs down!?
If brevity is the soul of wit, then this is the best video you ever published. Much Love! :*
I feel this one is titled wrong. What he describes is simply having the mature courage to accept that reality isn't going to meet our expectations all the time, and in relationships, if our expectations are superficial it wont meet our expectations much of the time. This is just realism. The closer you get to a person the more you see they are not you, they are uniquely themselves, and this also means you get to see exactly what most people don't want you show you that they are flawed. Accept your own flaws, love yourself, be realistic in how you see yourself, and learn about people. Then it is easier to have realistic expectations of others.
Pessimism would be saying that nothing is ever going to work out for me in a relationship, my relationship are always going to be horrible. My lovers are going to hate me. I'll never find a good person. Pessimist and optimist both suffer from a tendency to see in black and white, and/or over inflate one side of the spectrum. A realist excepts the gray areas with grace.
Another great video!
brilliant as usual!
Another excellent video
Great stuff! Keep up the amazing work. Truly grateful
Yes, when people say "relationship goals" to couples. It gets a little annoying, and people aren't aware the goals aren't what relationships about. It's a mix of the good and bad. A human being can not just be all good and perfect to us.
It's unfortunate for me not to be able to truly grasp the meaning of your insightful videos about relationships and love, since in twenty one years i've never been in a relationship so far. I quite often feel like i'm missing out on something important, but the odds are against me at the moment. I wonder if you could make a video someday or another about the singlest of the singles, like me, who have never experienced being in love with someone. As for me, i value myself a lot both for the very steep process of change i've been undertaking over the last years, and my values and knowledge. But, being a stubborn introvert, i rarely go out with people considering how much time i spend alone; therefore i don't meet new people,so i can complain about how much other people don't get along with me when i'm the first person around who has expectations so high that not even fantasy fulfills them.
Thank you for your awesome work.
If you believe in 'the one', then you have to accept the responsibility of being 'the one' for someone else. Looked at that way, it's much less appealing. The fantasy of 'the one' is left over from infancy, when a god like parent met all our needs wordlessly: all we had to do was look cute, then cry or shout. Many adults, myself included, have tried such an approach with our partners. Never fails to destroy a potential relationship...
I don't have any expectations for anyone, except for myself. It's so easy to live life this way.
I bet it's pretty lonely, too.
anonymouse27 how is not having expectations make me lonely? Does it sound like I don't socialize or something?
That is,I suppose,a major reason of divorces and unhappy couples in the world.It is big lie that there is an absolutely happy couple or absolutely satisfying career. .And the reason because ,human-beings are not perfect.Even though,I know that you are a secular channel,but I hope you understand that secularism itself created an illusion that absolute happiness can exist on Earth.Thank you,by the way.It was a great video.And I like most of your works.
Best and most useful youtube-channel :) !!
Thank you for including same-sex couples in these illustrations!
Could you make a list of typical unreasonable expectations that society gives us about relationships?