I also hate the glorification of disabled people who “don’t complain” because people expect us to complain about our disabilities (either because they’re so terrible or we’re so ungrateful). And when we do complain about discrimination or inaccessibility or being ignored in discussions about sexuality, or when we want to talk about police brutality or intimate partner violence or familial abuse, we’re told to shut up.
People who say other people shouldn't complain have their own issues about never feeling heard, like intergenerational trauma or something similar is my theory. It's ridiculous, like saying "don't speak up for yourself, how DARE you advocate for yourself"
I struggle with this still. I feel almost guilty in some regards when I complain about my issues. I mean bein mentally ill ya get "its all in your head" and I have to work to remind myself that doesn't negate the real impact on my daily life and physical health. I mean it is literally in my head, in the brain tissue and chemical producing glands. Its not just like I do it to be "quirky and odd", it is literally innate. Or people expect the romantic depressed and brooding person. Things like angst and anger and strong emotions are diminished or vilified. Depression is a very valid and serious issue, but it does not represent the entire mental illness spectrum nor is it experienced/expressed the same by everyone.
It is okay to complain. Sometimes we need to air out our frustrations over our situations or things/situations that upset us. Sometimes it can be cathartic. Hope you all the best and I hope that your voice is heard regardless. .
also i DEFINITELY started crying when i heard "my darling, you are enough". How is it your videos always magically come out with the EXACT message i need to hear?
Me: "Does- Does this mean I can participate in conversations with other disabled people as a disabled person, with my multitude of chronic conditions, cane, constant pain, and and being unable to live as normal people are "expected to" due to my limitations, while not having the legal designation and not being as active in the community as them and-" My Brain: "No, imposter." Me: "The nice Brit says shut it. So shut it. You listen to her mostly." My Brain: ". . . curses." I will take any victory, even a momentary one, and will further take this as an excuse to go find my fancy silver hand mirror...
you are more than worthy of: -food -water -love -support -shelter -respect -anything else you need to keep your entire body (mind included) healthy and ready to kick life's ass !!!
She definitely has a way of explaining things that I never would have thought could be put into words. I just knew that I felt bad for being disabled and unable to do things that normal people can do to begin with. But when I see people that I feel have more severe disabilities than I do, and they are ALSO doing more than I can, I feel downright ashamed and like an utter failure. I am glad it is not just me.
I have an anxiety disorder and I hate it when ppl say things like “I’m so proud of you for Overcoming your anxiety and pushing through it!!” Bc like,,,,,, there’s not another option,,,,,? it’s either “get through it” or “die” ,,, - that’s not a compliment
@@luffypupperstien2706 that one is so so bad. My mum uses it a lot and I don't think she even realises how much it hurts me lmao. It's just a blatant reminder that I'm "failing", and I was doing so well before so why am I suddenly in a dark ditch again? Idk, it just makes me feel so so shitty
Woah. So it *ISN'T* a normal string of thoughts to think I'm bringing my team down, even though I've been told more than once I'm the best at what I do and that they would be better off if I just left work? And what? This type of anxiety isn't only something I deal with? And hang on. Other people deal with this? My mind is blown. In all seriousness, thank you. It's always nice to hear that you're not alone.
The moment she said "throw one of these at it." I immediately began attempting to figure out how Jessica was going to throw a physical mirror at a statement.
I hate being aware of how my brain tries to trick me, but hearing somebody else who also experiences self-gaslighting and imposter syndrome remind me that those thoughts aren't me and that they are, in fact, lying always feels incredible. I love Jessica and her honesty about things like this and how she recognizes that even if some things suck, there are ways to remember your worth. ❤️
I have a similar "trick", every time my brain "says" something to me I ask myself : "would you say that to your sister ? To your bestfriend ? To a friend ? To someone you don't know ? To someone you don't like ?". The answer to all of that is, often, "NO", so I tell myself what I would tell my sister, or a friend, or anyone, if they were in my shoes. I'm much more empathetic (or just nice, or just not an a**) with strangers than with myself, I'm working on changing that :)
I have had success with a slight variation of this. When your brain is super negative imagine yourself as you were 10 years old. Would you say that to him/her/them? This also helps somewhat when I am having trouble taking care of myself due to outside stress. I usually think of that “mini me” and say “would you allow her to not eat all day? No, so darling please eat.” It’s weirdly helpful being a older sibling to yourself
I actually burst into tears when you were saying how "You are enough" Thank you so much for sharing this message, and your activism in general. Having ASD added another layer of the imposter feeling for me as I learned to heavily "mask" my personality from a young age, and after a lifetime of being convinced that if I just ate right and exercised and TRIED hard enough that I would be healthy. It really didn't help when parental figures/teachers/doctors refused to recognise my conditions. I have recently started truly coming to terms with the knowledge that I am infact disabled, especially since I am finally starting to get diagnosed (After fighting for years to have my health taken seriously by doctors). It feels so good to let some of the pressure off myself. Now to work on accepting that I don't have to somehow achieve everything possible as soon as possible.
I'm glad I'm not the only one having people be like Naw you aren't ASD, you make too many facial expressions 🤬. I'm starting to have one psychiatrist be like oh hmm maybe you DO have autistic traits 😒 🤬 It absolutely makes you feel even worse. It makes me feel less alone to know there are others, but also upset/angry that others are dealing with what I am.
@@DrKitKatInSpace Yeah I've been told multiple times that I can't be on the spectrum because my social skills are too good, it's infuriatingly frustrating because it's like - you only think that because of how I can speak to you in this present moment after years of dedicated practice to being able to act "correctly" in social situations. You didn't see me growing up, spending weeks trying to figure out why a friend suddenly seemed to hate me or why that teacher screamed at me. You don't see me when I can't communicate because I have been systematically taught to cover that part of myself. I just stay at home if I can't talk that day, or only speak on topics which I am familiar with and/or do not show my vulnerabilities, or only put myself in social situations that are well rehearsed and I have learned the "social script". I still have huge problems in communicating about anything I need, or anything really that I feel could be judged negatively. I'm glad so your psychiatrist is starting to see things from your perspective and I hope that you get the help you need. I don't usually comment on videos but this one just hit my emotions right in so soft spot. It's nice to hear from someone experiencing similar stuff :)
@@definitelynotthecatrinayou9875 exactly. I had what I called on and off friendships in elementary school where one day it'd be great and then the next day they seemed to hate me. And the next everything was fine again. I think they were doing the 'teasing to bond' thing and I didn't understand it. It's so nice to hear about somebody else like that (not that we both dealt, but that neither of us are alone). This video definitely was a good timing thing for me. Sometimes my psychiatrist sees it but honestly I need someone who doesn't doubt me. It's so frustrating to have to prove it.
Oh goodness watching this has hit home to me like being hit a bucket of bricks. I have so many arguments with my brain and it’s really good at gas lighting me. I (like many I expect) need to learn to accept the advice I give to others
@@dandelionmel I'm not belittling your problems but same, I still have nightmares about my mother and I'm in my 20s. We might be products of our upbringing, but we can still remake ourselves over time. Good luck and much love!
ashleigh peterson oh hugs for starters 🤗 I can very much relate to that and I’m in my 40’s. We all have our own stuff that sakes our own time to work through 🤗
The irony is I just forced myself to do a more "intense" workout so I could feel human or semi-normal. Which of course leads to me being much less capable of activity for a few days. Needless to say I cried a bit while and after watching this.
I mean I'm autistic but whenever I call myself disabled I feel like a fraud because my brain is like "thats not a real disability" and "you're still able bodied so you shouldn't call yourself disabled"...
I'm neurologically impaired and I totally feel this, especially since the only diagnosis for my disability that fits is an antiquated term that isn't used.
I have a work history and amazing ambition but my reality is I may never actually achieve it due to complex problems and it being complicated further by drs instead of helping. I struggle with receiving care and acceptance of being "different". Its more difficult because i don't use aids other than my support workers.
Often this is accompanied by the "internal critic" who internally tells you that you are no good, will never amount to anything, you're stupid, you're wrong at whatever you do ... What you can do to combat this is recognize what you're doing, acknowledge it, forgive yourself and change each time this happens. After a while it becomes less and less when then one day you feel a greater sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-respect and value. Remember you are and will always be loved. 🧡🧡💛💚💙💜
This is exactly how I feel about my anxiety and stuff, like I had a massive panic attack the other week and no one knew the entire time because my brain is like "you're faking it" or "people are literally dying, so shut up" yeah that was a ton of fun already and then one of my relatives made fun of me for it which was just great and definitely didn't make it worse at all.....
i'm very sorry you went through that-- you are not faking it, and in my experience with panic attacks, thinking that im faking it is almost a for sure sign that im having a real panic attack (bc it indicated spirling thoughts) your pain is real and no one else's suffering can change or invalidate that you did not deserve that treatment and while i have no idea what kind of environment you live in, one day it will be healthier and you will be surrounded by people who understand and validate your experiences!! i hope youre doing a bit better a week later haha :")
@@mickyb6729 thank you, I was a little shaky after it but I've been focusing on breathing exercises which have been really helpful.(I'm a week late in my response too lol)
My anxiety convinces me that I am a burden on my loved ones, among other things and your affirmations at the end of the video made me cry. Thank you so much ❤
I only started calling myself disabled now after over a decade of chronic illness. I definitely feel like an imposter most the time. Now I'm further in the video this sounds like my husband I. I have issues feeling that, even though I'm the main breadwinner this year, I should do everything else... my husband often is begging me to take a break. He usually can only convince me by saying if I push myself too hard now remember i could go in a flare and not be able to do anything i want next week. Literally he has to threaten me with my future ability even though it should be obvious to me that's a consequence
this comment hit a little too hard. i'm 99% sure i have hEDS (i check off enough of the criteria to call for a diagnosis), but no doctor has diagnosed me yet, so i feel like i'm faking it. i literally quit all the sports i played over the fact that i was always in pain and discomfort during games. i quit one as young as *10 years old*. and yet i still don't feel like i can call myself disabled because i feel like i don't have it bad enough.
@@jk-jl2lo I feel that. I have lupus (SLE) and fibro and I constantly was comparing to those with organ involvement. Like it didnt matter how much pain I was in if my kidneys weren't failing. Stay strong and I hope you get your diagnosis
@@jk-jl2lo I know how you feel. I totally diagnosed myself months before I got my official diagnosis from the Mayo Clinic. Even though it didn't change anything about my body, the diagnosis made me feel validated. I'm sorry that you're in that weird spot right now. Even if you are in that spot forever, just know that most online (and many in-person) EDS support groups will welcome you without an official diagnosis. We know how crappy the medical world is for our condition. 💜💜💜
My husband has to do the same thing with me. I'm not the main breadwinner, so I often blame myself for not contributing to the household income. My husband is always telling me to slow down or take the day off, even though I feel like taking the day off is all I do.
Just know there are people who support you. The world is absolutely rubbish right now, and I'm sure you have your own problems going on, but it will get better. And if all else fails, Google "Pomeranian in a Paddington bear costume". You will not regret it.
@@mightbeavampire you don't have to burn bridges to talk about your feelings to people you care about... Probably best not to email a stranger unless they're a professional licenced therapist. I know you likely mean well, but this a perfect place for vulnerable people to be targeted.
YES! This is exactly what I've been struggling with in regards to needing a wheelchair. All of the fun "am I disabled enough for this?" questions. Also, I feel like I'm being lazy every day...even though I'm exhausted after doing what I HAVE managed to do.
I felt so cathartic watching the Last Christmas movie because of the "You don't have to be special" message. (Also mild spoiler and kinda specific to the movie, but "You don't have to pay back for the transplant organ you got by becoming a star or astophysicist!") I went in expecting a Christmas romcom (with Malaysian-born male lead and cute interracial couple, well done!) but instead it hit home SO MUCH. Though then I wanted to tell my friends about how much I related to that movie, and my brain immediately switched to "You didn't have a transplantation, you cannot relate to the story!" But regardless, the tagline is something I repeat to myself a lot now that I realized I don't want the "career" I was studying long years for: "I's a -wonderful- life" because it's just a life and that's enough, it doesn't have to be "wonderful"
I feel this impostor syndrome with my ADHD so much. I have internalized being lazy and procrastinating, so when I do get amazing stuff done on my meds, I feel like I'm cheating my grades, because I have meds. I just spent the last 2 weeks doing barely anything except studying for a big test at Uni. Then I took the test and was able to answer almost all of the questions without much thinking and explained that away with "Well, it was an easy test, so of course I could do it." IT SEEMED EASY TO ME BECAUSE I STUDIED HARD FOR IT, FOR FOX SAKE!
I love this so much! I work with people that are "hard to hire" whether because of accident-led disabilities, addictions, family troubles... You name it. They're all good at something but almost none of them believe they are. One guy is so stressed about letting people down he's pushing his health down, he once kept working a whole afternoon under the scorching sun even though he kept vomiting! Little do they know Their supervisor (me) thinks she's never doing enough for them!
I'm autistic, I have sensory processing disorder and hypermobility. I use the disabled toilets because the public ones will set me off into a sensory overload and I also recently got a walking stick. I feel like a fraud using it even though it helps with my hips, back and knees. It's often I think I'm not "disabled" enough. Really needed this video ❤️
I feel especially bad when someone actually takes into account any of the small/mild disabilities that I have. Even when I'm extremely scared and anxious that they won't, and I should be happy I'm being taken seriously. I can usually function pretty well, but because it's unpredictable, I feel like I have to assume I'll be debilitated at any given moment, just so I won't let anyone down. But when I do this, I feel like I'm making too big of a deal of something that's usually not that bad... I have migraines (not as bad as some, but annoying nevertheless), mild IBS and social (or situational) anxiety. Sometimes these don't affect me at all (save for the fear of them flaring up suddenly). I feel like such a fraud.
I have auditory processing disorder, endometriosis, cyclic vomiting syndrome, and PTSD and I find that explaining this to people is too much and that it feels like I’m just trying to make them feel bad for me. I hate that it’s “always something” with me. It feels like I’m always in the process of getting a diagnosis, making and waiting for appointments, it’s endless. Most of the time i don’t talk about them until it’s IMPOSSIBLE to not bring it up. This video really helped me, as all of yours do. Even though my stuff isn’t as bad as others I still feel like I need support sometimes and this helps❤️🥰
This video is SO EXTREMELY WELCOME RIGHT NOW!! Next month, I'm going low-contact with my main external source of invalidation... which is terrifying because I'm referring to one of my lifetime primary caregivers (parent). But I've recently started figuring out that the invalidation is lies and I'm worthy and capable, and now I'm really tempted to delete this sentence, but I won't, because the invalidation is lies. My brain is literally punishing me, as we speak, for believing that the invalidation is lies, but there it is. I want to spend the next half hour clicking 'like' over and over again (because catharsis), but alas, I must refrain from doing it more than once. Jessica, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this content - and for all your videos! I love them and rely on them and they're good for my soul, and regardless of what your inner critic might say at any given time, I really appreciate and value the effect you've had on my life. (Also if your health or desires ever take you away from making videos, you will still CONTINUE to have a positive effect on me. Imposter syndrome and perfectionism are sneaky bitches, but I hope you know you're valid and valuable even if you're not able to create content - or if you just don't want to. The positive effect you've already had is permanent.)
"I am worthy of rest" - yeek. I had to RETIRE to learn this one. Otherwise, keep on pushing through. I grew up poor and learned early these words: "Are you bleeding? Is a bone sticking out? No? Okay, then ignore it and keep moving". Sigh.
The advice about talking to your mirror/reflection really works ! I did it for 6 months and I managed to fix some stuff that was bothering me a lot about myself. I try to tell everyone around me to do it but no one ever want to make the effort of trying... but if you're unhappy with something about yourself, it's a great way to start ! selfesteem is important ! ^^ but this video is still sound very familiar ha ha
Oh my goodness, this hit me hard. I've recently been told that I was born with hip bones that don't fit the sockets, and the result of that is crippling arthritis that means I need a full hip replacement, despite only being in my forties. Some days I can barely walk, but I'm not disabled enough for a blue badge, even though I need the extra space to get out of the car and often walk with a stick, and few people close to me see how much it affects my daily life. I often get 'parked' when out and about with my in-laws ('you've got your book? Great. We're all just walking to this awesome place. We'll be back in two hours!') but feel like I'm causing problems when I object. I haven't put my own shoes and socks on for two years and I constantly blame myself for that. I mask it as much as I can at work because I don't want people to think I can't do my job. Like a lot of people in these comments, I'm horrible to myself in ways I would never be to anyone else. I was late to discovering my sexuality, but despite being married to a woman, I have imposter syndrome about that too. This video is superb, and you don't know what it means to hear someone say what I've needed to hear for a long time. X
As someone who has a sister with multiple sclerosis and has a nephew with cystic fibrosis, while dealing with my own autoimmune disease....this hit hard, I always wonder if I'm "sick enough" to complain when they are having a much more difficult time of it. I have days where even brushing my hair is torture or where showering takes all my energy....yet I feel unable to self-care/complain because it seems lazy or whiny. Far too often I push through or do far to much on a "good day" and end up paying for it later. I'm lucky to have a very understanding husband and children (all grown) that help me as much as possible or tell me when it's time to stop because they can see me exhausting myself. As for the rude builder, I quite enjoyed hearing the muted sounds of construction in the background...it means you are getting closer to you dream kitchen and being able to bake in an actual oven.
Charmin Savage - I have ME and Fibromyalgia which is not helped by an inoperable bulging disc between L5/S1 that is constantly pressing on my sciatic nerve and it sends electric shocks of pain down my leg with alarming regularity. I am confined to a wheelchair but I need to rest horizontal in bed for most of the day. I enjoy playing Internet games and watching TH-cam videos. I am also gay and I live with my partner of 33.5 years. She is suffering herself as her 11 year breast cancer came back in her spine, and was found, 18 months ago. It is stable thankfully but it is playing havoc with her mind and she gets very tired. I saw you were married with grown up children and I thought/hoped you are not as young as most people who subscribe to Jessica. I am in my 60s but I throughly enjoy watching Jessica's videos. I do relate to both her Lesbianism and disability. When I came out it was 1970, long before Jessica was born, and it was kept underground then. It was not well received at all. I can't believe it has taken 50 years for gay marriage to become the norm. We still remain discrete because we know no different growing up. I really hope I am not the oldest person to follow Jessica. Thank you for letting me open up to you. Hugs xx
@@dorothyradley9391 I have fibro, degenerative disc disease in my neck (which is scary as get out because the "fix" will make it so I can't turn my head)and have suffered with arthritis since childhood. I was also a "blue baby" or born dead, but the dr. was really determined that I live after months of inter-uterine shots my mother had to endure...born in 1971, so pretty much a miracle at the time that I survived. I'm bi, but am married monogamously to a man who knows...my first husband didn't know until after I had already remarried - because quite honestly I could see his reaction as either bad or "let play a game", neither of which I was willing to entertain. I love that you have been with your partner for so many years, even with all the ups and down and really downs you are still fighting the battles as a team. I adore Jessica and Claudia so much and their love is so tangible it makes my bad days better and my good days great...and Jessica doing videos on both sexuality and disability has kept me entertained, informed, enlightened and sane. Many blessing...and gentle hugs xx
Every disability I live with is invisible. Every day I debate if I'm just dramatic or attention-seeking or faking, and it has kept me from going past a therapist to a psychiatrist despite suspected PTSD. Recently, it's even kept me from going into inpatient even though I think I should and feel unsafe. Thank you for the validation. People need to hear this! Suffering isn't a leaderboard and you are valid. No matter how "bad" you think it is. If you have to ask if you are valid, you are.
Oh my god this explains so much! I am being studied for whether I have adhd, as well as being partially deaf my whole life and rely on lip reading a lot, I struggle when applying for jobs because of that "do you consider yourself disbaled?" box. Am I? I mean, I struggle a lot. But only in social areas.. by myself I'm perfectly fine. But I mishear things a lot and struggle when people are talking in a group I get confused :( But I'm not disabled enough to need a badge for my car.
Eef, yeah. My disability specifics are different from yours, but I EMPATHIZE! I've been contemplating how I'd view friends/loved ones with my disabilities (cuz I'm kinder to friends than myself, so it helps me figure out if I'm being illogically mean to myself), and I've realized something that might help here: 'I'm not disabled enough [compared to others]' is a pretty meaningless point of comparison. Instead I use "I'm not disabled IN THE SAME WAY. I'm disabled in a different way."
a lot of people compare themselves to others and their achievements. always thinking “oh why are they so successful but i’m not? what am i doing wrong?” well, you’re not doing anything wrong. everybody has a different journey, a different story. go at your own pace, you’re doing amazing. try and praise yourself for the littlest of things. don’t ever think that you aren’t valid. you do matter. you are accepted. don’t ever think you aren’t doing enough. you’re doing your best, and that’s fantastic. like jessica said, you are enough. you really really are. you have a purpose. thank you for this video jess, sending love to you and everyone else. god bless ♡
Through all of my struggles with ME, POTS, PCOS and all the other acronyms... your videos have inspired me so much to feel better about myself and my place in this world despite everything that I lost, and I cant express how much I appreciate videos like this
I'm not disabled, but I feel like I am gaslighting myself a lot. I am top of my class, but think that I am not smart. And then I have that constant need to just do better because if I don't get an A in that one exam, I am a fraud who doesn't deserve to be intelligent. Sorry for the rant, coronavirus means I can't see my friends who are in the same boat as me, so I have no-one to speak to.
That is exactly what I do. I'm normally top of every class but if I get a grade that for other people would be great, it's not good enough for me and then I think I'm stupid. In my head if I don't get top of the class I'm not good enough and when people who got a grade close to or higher than mine keep on telling me about their grade it just confirms that I'm not actually intelligent and that people don't actually think I'm smart or that I have tricked them into thinking I'm smart and I have to work even harder to try and keep up that illusion.
I'm in the same situation. Everybody keeps telling me that I study a lot and that's okay to simply rest sometimes, but when I do, I feel like I'm wasting my time, I'm not so perfect as everybody thinks, not so intelligent, not so perfect... I really think maybe my standards are too high and impossible .
There is a very specific imposter syndrome for academic struggles as well. You are smart and you are valid. You are enough. I struggle with this as well but you are doing well, you do not have to be A+ all the time. However, I think it's also important to keep your academic environment/program accountable. Most of academia is quite broken in this regard (did it ever really work?) and there are toxic work environments which then contributes to you feeling like you don't belong. Imposter syndrome definitely needs to be confronted internally, but the system making you feel like this, if it's making everyone else feel like that, probably means that the environment is toxic. Remember your grades are not your worth. You are wonderfully and uniquely intelligent.
I feel so seen. I have really bad anxiety and OCD and always think I'm dramatic (lot of conditioning from people who don't understand mental illness is real). Thank for you this lovely reminder that imposter syndrome is real and a lot more people have it too, not just me, I don't feel as alone when listening to others who also experience it :)
I am not disabled, but I have such a hard time with imposter syndrome. Literally my brain decided it was the appropriate response to internally refute the things that Jessica was talking about...ugh, I need to get help with this.
The cute mirror and the affirmations to combat internal gaslighting bit! LOVE IT!! 👏🏻👏🏻 The humor with the mirror and then the well-worded and more serious affirmations ending with the cheeky, “I’m good, you can shut up now!” Oh perfect!! 👏🏻👏🏻
Can Jessica read minds? Cause she just described my entire internal dialogue, accept for the maladaptive daydreaming. I feel both comforted and called out at the same time. It's like I've always known it but this video brought it to the front of my attention. Thank you for making this video Jessica.
I was literally in the process of convincing myself I was "faking" everything (my illness, my intelligence, my talents, and basically everything about me) when this video came up. Is this a sign?
If we all just started our days with 9:56 (straight at camera Jessica telling us we are free to exist), the world would be a little brighter. Someone should make a supercut of “Affirmations from Jessica” ✨
Your point about soldiering on despite pain is very interesting. I've noticed that I, as well as those around me, value the struggle to get things done. Like the end result is that much more valuable because I suffered for it. I think it's important to remember that simply doing *something* is enough, even if you need help or it takes longer to do it.
it really helps to stop comparing yourself to other people. you can acknowledge that there are differences but not attach value to that. everyone experiences pain and happiness in a different way and that is okay.
this video was like a hug, but better (ps. it reminds me of the time one of my teachers said to me that “you’re not being over-dramatic, you’re being honest” - this is the same mood)
My son is on the autism spectrum and I always down play how exhausting it can be, or how much my life has changed to be able to care for him in the best way possible. Even good days can be mentally exhausting but I know so many parents are in more difficult situations so I bottle it up, which probably isn’t helping my anxiety or depressions. Mental health is hard.
Today I didnt park in the disabled spaces near the front door of a place I visited. I made myself walk around the place and then had to walk up the hill to get back to my car, i ended up with chest pain and dizziness. My hips, knees and lower back were so bad I wanted to cry yet felt like I'm not "disabked enough" to park in that space that would have saved me 100s meters of walking, I also should have taken more breaks but pushed myself because I don't want to be seen as a burden.
"Today is enough" has become something of a mantra to me. No matter how good or bad the day was, how productive or unproductive, today is enough. Remembering that does a lot to help my self esteem
Oh my goodness I feel like this all the time, especially when it comes to my chronic illnesses. I almost feel better when my fibromyalgia flares because then it becomes more visible.
I have the same and my friends are really good with me about it but im still too scared to use a disabled toilets because strangers dont know even tho standing in the queue for normal toilets is literally physically painful for me😬
i feel this so much! i feel like because fibro changes so often its hard to feel valid, cause people act like chronically ill people have to be one foot in the grave all the time
Right?! Like, when I'm in unbearable pain and can't walk, then I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I am actually disabled." But as soon as I have one good day, I question my whole entire illness/disability. 💜
"Don't compare." Everyone is different. Just because a problem is/was easy to someone else, does not mean it will be for you. And just because someone else has more problems than you, or problems that are more serious, does not mean that you do not have problems. It also does not mean that pretending that a problem does not exist will help at all. You have problems that need to be dealt with, that is ok, and it is also ok to ask for the help and time you need. It is not a burden or a waist, it is using what you have effectively and preventing more problems. It is ok, and hopefully will be ok.
Apparently I've been gaslighting myself for most of my life. My personal favorite is, "Maybe I only think my symptoms are severe but anyone else would find them quite manageable."
I honestly hadn’t realized gaslighting yourself was a thing until I started crying while you were talking about it. As always, your beautiful videos have impeccable timing.
Omg I needed this video. I have been disabled since I was 19 and I have tortured myself for years. Omg I needed this. I could cry. I do so much of this. Omg.
Whenever I made a doctor's appointment before I was diagnosed with H-EDS I constantly felt this. Why am I making such a big deal of my pain when others are worse off, am I exaggerating my own pain, like doctors had told me I was doing? It turns out local anesthetics don't work on me so the doctors that told me I wasn't in pain during medical procedures were straight up wrong, no questions about it. Diagnosis was a huge part of accepting my disability, but I also just had to work though all the gaslighting that doctors and I, myself, put me through. Thank you for this video so much!
I have to have a near-lethal amount of local for it to kick in & it wears off scary quick - like they are administering it drop by terrified drop and asking if it's working yet, and it's worn off after 20 minutes at most. Has anyone ever tried to work with you to find out your dose or are they all just giving you a normal dose and plowing in a minute later despite the agonised screaming? You deserve to be listened to. That was actually the point of my comment but I probably didn't get there. Sorry!
I began welling up when you were telling us we are "valid" & explained the inner turmoil of gaslighting ourselves. Thank you Jessica - this is amazing. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles with feelings of inadequacy by being "a burden" & not deserving of love because of my auto-immune illnesses. You are beautiful & your wife is a very lucky lady ❤️😘 xx
As someone with imposter syndrome with my field of study (as does most people ive talked to in higher education which is a big red flag about our society) this is very nice to hear especially cause now i have an definition of imposter syndrome cause my parents really dont grasp what it is and that no it is not a normal thing to feel like you're not good enough at something even when you have an entire degree in that thing
I feel like this could be applied to art, too. It's all well and good that some people can take pain and use it to make good art, but what if you're someone who wants to create but your pain doesn't leave you with enough energy? I sometimes feel like a fake artist and/or like I'm not really suffering...
Because that is a bullshit statement that is way too pervasive in society. And there to gaslight you. I feel the same way about it as I feel about "but you'll get exposure". You can take inspiration from difficulties you have faced and use them in your art sure. But art itself is not built on pain. Big difference there that people don't include. People are more prolific when they're feeling well. Artists who have created despite their pain would have been more prolific if they had way to manage/fix it (if it is something that can be fixed).
Thank you for posting this. Having invisible disabilities and high functioning anxiety, I honestly didn't really realize that I been sitting in this weird place where I don't feel like I should take a space meant for "real" disabled people. I just didn't realize that it was another form of imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head.
I didn't know how much I needed to hear this, thanks 😭💖 I do this but with my depression/anxiety. I say to myself many people have it way worse and manage to stay productive ad "succed" but I'm trying to unlearn it too. I will definitely use those "mantras". xx stay safe
In my entire time doing musical things in school through college. I've been in top tier auditioned groups, but I've always just told myself "oh there aren't very many guy singers here so I'm just always going to get in" I never let myself believe I have achieved. It was the same in academics. Like you said I always felt like people just made me out to be smarter than I actually am. Your video is so true. It is so hard to fight your internal narrative.
"You don't need to be special". Well, you ARE _special_ Jessica and we love you for it 🦄! What... Have I been gaslighting my own self all those years?🤦🏽♀️
Everytime I have a big flair up, I feel a bit of relief that "I wasn't making up the pain!" And I know it's every time because my wife has heard it so many times
The imposter syndrome and self-gaslighting are so real, especially with illnesses! In my experience, I have a huge tendency my discomfort and pain so much and I've been working so hard to realize that I'm not being "difficult" or "complaining" when I need immediate medical attention!
It's feeling like we can't give up, we're not allowed to. And not in a healthy way. I'm physically disabled and autistic, when I'm into a crisis, I feel like I don't have to complain and show I can still process as usual even if I can't. It's exhausting.
"You are very welcome here"... anyone else tearing up? So bl**dy lonely at the moment and struggling with chronic illness induced doubt, imposter syndrome and the whole blasted range of emotions therein, then Jessica puts this out. I couldn't have needed this more. Off to rewatch that last minute on repeat.
YES! I experience Imposter syndrome about two things weirdly one is my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my brain tells me I do not have it because I have a great life and “no trauma” (8 surgeries, 6 major ones between ages of 4 and 14 are trauma, which blew my mind in therapy) and when I was 16 I presented to the FDA here in the United States, I was the only person under the age of 18 who spoke for themselves and the only person on the medication at the time who spoke, and it got approved and I was told that I was the reason it was approved, and I never believed that I was just thinking it was all the science. But in the beginning of the FDA hearing it sounded like it wasn’t going to be approved but after myself and the other people spoke, every person but one said yes to the medication being approved
You know what sucks? That in mainstream media whenever a character is injured or hurt they always bounce back and heal with a happy ending. When was the last time you heard about a character getting into a car crash, ending up in a wheel chair permanently and losing their job because of severe PTSD and depression?
You always seem to post videos on the exact day I need to hear the thing. I’m struggling so much for this thank you so much for being a bright spot in this world.
Thank you for making this video. I needed to hear this today. I have not been able to get out of bed for 3 days and I was feeling guilty about it. However I was only in bed because every time I sit up the room spins and my head pounds and my legs won't do what they are supposed to do. Ugh! But I have so many projects to do and I "should" be able to do them. So thank you Jessica! You are my hero!
Oh my gosh you described exactly how I used to feel about my anxiety. My mom has a much worse mental health condition than my anxiety so I always felt like I didn't actually have anxiety problems or I was just making it up or something (to be clear, my mom never made me feel that way, I did it all to myself). I still struggle with it sometimes. This video has such a good message and then end made me tear up. Love you, Jessica!
I started crying when you listed some of the signs of internal gaslighting, I've only just realized that's what I've been doing to myself in the past 2-3 years. Thank you so much
Thank you so much!!!!!! I have 2 chronic illnesses and I feel like I have to find a benefit from them and do something amazing with them. As well as keep up with everyone else like nothing is wrong. I will be in agonizing pain and crying, but I keep thinking of everyone who has it worse. I feel so alone trying to keep going. Thank you for showing me my feelings are valid. You give eveyone thr strength and grace we need to make it through the rest of the day.!!!!
I use these techniques for my depression and anxiety. Sometimes just turning that view around really helps. Other times it feels silly and pointless, but persistence over the long run has been helpful.
I'm watching this video while on lunch at work and I started tearing up when Jessica started talking about self gaslighting and how to combat it. I do that so much and it makes life so hard and it was so validating just to hear I'm not the only one who does it.
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Who else wants to cry when Jessica says you're valid?
It just makes my insides warm and my eyes water.
me! best thing that happened today :)
Yes. I totally needed this today.
I did cry, and I needed to hear it. Thank you, Jessica.
Same here
Me!! I’m sat here bawling😂
I also hate the glorification of disabled people who “don’t complain” because people expect us to complain about our disabilities (either because they’re so terrible or we’re so ungrateful). And when we do complain about discrimination or inaccessibility or being ignored in discussions about sexuality, or when we want to talk about police brutality or intimate partner violence or familial abuse, we’re told to shut up.
People who say other people shouldn't complain have their own issues about never feeling heard, like intergenerational trauma or something similar is my theory. It's ridiculous, like saying "don't speak up for yourself, how DARE you advocate for yourself"
I struggle with this still. I feel almost guilty in some regards when I complain about my issues. I mean bein mentally ill ya get "its all in your head" and I have to work to remind myself that doesn't negate the real impact on my daily life and physical health. I mean it is literally in my head, in the brain tissue and chemical producing glands. Its not just like I do it to be "quirky and odd", it is literally innate. Or people expect the romantic depressed and brooding person. Things like angst and anger and strong emotions are diminished or vilified. Depression is a very valid and serious issue, but it does not represent the entire mental illness spectrum nor is it experienced/expressed the same by everyone.
It is okay to complain.
Sometimes we need to air out our frustrations over our situations or things/situations that upset us. Sometimes it can be cathartic.
Hope you all the best and I hope that your voice is heard regardless. .
What do you call a fake noodle… an impasta
This was also a terrible joke that I'm not sorry for
@@urmominabox87 dont be
I'm going to upvote this, but I'm not going to be happy about it
Badum-tss
@@urmominabox87 butchers
also i DEFINITELY started crying when i heard "my darling, you are enough". How is it your videos always magically come out with the EXACT message i need to hear?
Right?! 🙌💜
Completely agree x x
I was just holding it together then she said that and I lost it.
Same here!
me too omg
8:33
"Other people have it worse than me so I shouldn't be upset at all" is like 100% my brain every 4 days
I pretend that my Bad Inner Voice is a backseat driver named Chad. I've learned to just tell him to shut up when I'm 'driving'.
Me: "Does- Does this mean I can participate in conversations with other disabled people as a disabled person, with my multitude of chronic conditions, cane, constant pain, and and being unable to live as normal people are "expected to" due to my limitations, while not having the legal designation and not being as active in the community as them and-"
My Brain: "No, imposter."
Me: "The nice Brit says shut it. So shut it. You listen to her mostly."
My Brain: ". . . curses."
I will take any victory, even a momentary one, and will further take this as an excuse to go find my fancy silver hand mirror...
you are more than worthy of:
-food
-water
-love
-support
-shelter
-respect
-anything else you need to keep your entire body (mind included) healthy and ready to kick life's ass !!!
@Cian Abroad is there something wrong with wanting everyone to be treated equally?
;-;
You are also worthy of like. Just a really cool rock
I have always wondered what this feeling was. Normally it is coupled with anxiety and then depression. Thank you for explaining this ❤️
She definitely has a way of explaining things that I never would have thought could be put into words. I just knew that I felt bad for being disabled and unable to do things that normal people can do to begin with. But when I see people that I feel have more severe disabilities than I do, and they are ALSO doing more than I can, I feel downright ashamed and like an utter failure. I am glad it is not just me.
I have an anxiety disorder and I hate it when ppl say things like “I’m so proud of you for Overcoming your anxiety and pushing through it!!” Bc like,,,,,, there’s not another option,,,,,? it’s either “get through it” or “die” ,,, - that’s not a compliment
Well said! Another comment I dislike is But you seemed to be doing so well, what happened? I've no client I had I would have put a stop to it .
Same! I get told this with regard to my disabilities and depression, and it is exhausting to say the least
Better to say "I'm happy we're alive"
I definitely get why they're annoying, but I usually just try to think of them as well meaning because they usually are
@@luffypupperstien2706 that one is so so bad. My mum uses it a lot and I don't think she even realises how much it hurts me lmao. It's just a blatant reminder that I'm "failing", and I was doing so well before so why am I suddenly in a dark ditch again? Idk, it just makes me feel so so shitty
Woah. So it *ISN'T* a normal string of thoughts to think I'm bringing my team down, even though I've been told more than once I'm the best at what I do and that they would be better off if I just left work?
And what? This type of anxiety isn't only something I deal with?
And hang on. Other people deal with this? My mind is blown.
In all seriousness, thank you. It's always nice to hear that you're not alone.
You're right! Feeling like we're not alone is the most amazing feeling 🙌💜
The moment she said "throw one of these at it." I immediately began attempting to figure out how Jessica was going to throw a physical mirror at a statement.
I hate being aware of how my brain tries to trick me, but hearing somebody else who also experiences self-gaslighting and imposter syndrome remind me that those thoughts aren't me and that they are, in fact, lying always feels incredible. I love Jessica and her honesty about things like this and how she recognizes that even if some things suck, there are ways to remember your worth. ❤️
I have a similar "trick", every time my brain "says" something to me I ask myself : "would you say that to your sister ? To your bestfriend ? To a friend ? To someone you don't know ? To someone you don't like ?".
The answer to all of that is, often, "NO", so I tell myself what I would tell my sister, or a friend, or anyone, if they were in my shoes.
I'm much more empathetic (or just nice, or just not an a**) with strangers than with myself, I'm working on changing that :)
That's a great trick! I might try using it this week. 💜
Very good advice!
Hell yes!! Treat yourself the way you would treat others ❤️
Thank you! ♥️♥️♥️
I have had success with a slight variation of this. When your brain is super negative imagine yourself as you were 10 years old. Would you say that to him/her/them? This also helps somewhat when I am having trouble taking care of myself due to outside stress. I usually think of that “mini me” and say “would you allow her to not eat all day? No, so darling please eat.” It’s weirdly helpful being a older sibling to yourself
"So, what is imposter syndrome?"
"I really don't feel like I should be the one explaining this kind of stuff to you."
I actually burst into tears when you were saying how "You are enough" Thank you so much for sharing this message, and your activism in general.
Having ASD added another layer of the imposter feeling for me as I learned to heavily "mask" my personality from a young age, and after a lifetime of being convinced that if I just ate right and exercised and TRIED hard enough that I would be healthy. It really didn't help when parental figures/teachers/doctors refused to recognise my conditions. I have recently started truly coming to terms with the knowledge that I am infact disabled, especially since I am finally starting to get diagnosed (After fighting for years to have my health taken seriously by doctors). It feels so good to let some of the pressure off myself.
Now to work on accepting that I don't have to somehow achieve everything possible as soon as possible.
I'm glad I'm not the only one having people be like Naw you aren't ASD, you make too many facial expressions 🤬. I'm starting to have one psychiatrist be like oh hmm maybe you DO have autistic traits 😒 🤬
It absolutely makes you feel even worse. It makes me feel less alone to know there are others, but also upset/angry that others are dealing with what I am.
@@DrKitKatInSpace Yeah I've been told multiple times that I can't be on the spectrum because my social skills are too good, it's infuriatingly frustrating because it's like - you only think that because of how I can speak to you in this present moment after years of dedicated practice to being able to act "correctly" in social situations. You didn't see me growing up, spending weeks trying to figure out why a friend suddenly seemed to hate me or why that teacher screamed at me.
You don't see me when I can't communicate because I have been systematically taught to cover that part of myself. I just stay at home if I can't talk that day, or only speak on topics which I am familiar with and/or do not show my vulnerabilities, or only put myself in social situations that are well rehearsed and I have learned the "social script". I still have huge problems in communicating about anything I need, or anything really that I feel could be judged negatively.
I'm glad so your psychiatrist is starting to see things from your perspective and I hope that you get the help you need. I don't usually comment on videos but this one just hit my emotions right in so soft spot. It's nice to hear from someone experiencing similar stuff :)
@@definitelynotthecatrinayou9875 exactly. I had what I called on and off friendships in elementary school where one day it'd be great and then the next day they seemed to hate me. And the next everything was fine again. I think they were doing the 'teasing to bond' thing and I didn't understand it. It's so nice to hear about somebody else like that (not that we both dealt, but that neither of us are alone). This video definitely was a good timing thing for me. Sometimes my psychiatrist sees it but honestly I need someone who doesn't doubt me. It's so frustrating to have to prove it.
Oh goodness watching this has hit home to me like being hit a bucket of bricks. I have so many arguments with my brain and it’s really good at gas lighting me. I (like many I expect) need to learn to accept the advice I give to others
damn
yeah
i know a lot of people like you
Imagine it is Donald Trump providing the other half of the argument. This may well make it easier to see through it all. You are worth so much more.
Maghouin Beg 😂😂 ohh that may work.
for me it all comes from my mother so hear it in her voice so you’d think it’d have the same result.
@@dandelionmel I'm not belittling your problems but same, I still have nightmares about my mother and I'm in my 20s. We might be products of our upbringing, but we can still remake ourselves over time. Good luck and much love!
ashleigh peterson oh hugs for starters 🤗 I can very much relate to that and I’m in my 40’s. We all have our own stuff that sakes our own time to work through 🤗
The irony is I just forced myself to do a more "intense" workout so I could feel human or semi-normal. Which of course leads to me being much less capable of activity for a few days. Needless to say I cried a bit while and after watching this.
💜💜💜
I mean I'm autistic but whenever I call myself disabled I feel like a fraud because my brain is like "thats not a real disability" and "you're still able bodied so you shouldn't call yourself disabled"...
Yes! I am the same!
@@NS-pf7jr Me too!
I'm neurologically impaired and I totally feel this, especially since the only diagnosis for my disability that fits is an antiquated term that isn't used.
I have a work history and amazing ambition but my reality is I may never actually achieve it due to complex problems and it being complicated further by drs instead of helping. I struggle with receiving care and acceptance of being "different". Its more difficult because i don't use aids other than my support workers.
Me too! Like if I'm at home by myself, I am autistic but not disabled. When I'm having to mask and exhausted by it, I definitely feel more disabled
Often this is accompanied by the "internal critic" who internally tells you that you are no good, will never amount to anything, you're stupid, you're wrong at whatever you do ... What you can do to combat this is recognize what you're doing, acknowledge it, forgive yourself and change each time this happens. After a while it becomes less and less when then one day you feel a greater sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-respect and value. Remember you are and will always be loved. 🧡🧡💛💚💙💜
This is exactly how I feel about my anxiety and stuff, like I had a massive panic attack the other week and no one knew the entire time because my brain is like "you're faking it" or "people are literally dying, so shut up" yeah that was a ton of fun already and then one of my relatives made fun of me for it which was just great and definitely didn't make it worse at all.....
i'm very sorry you went through that-- you are not faking it, and in my experience with panic attacks, thinking that im faking it is almost a for sure sign that im having a real panic attack (bc it indicated spirling thoughts) your pain is real and no one else's suffering can change or invalidate that
you did not deserve that treatment and while i have no idea what kind of environment you live in, one day it will be healthier and you will be surrounded by people who understand and validate your experiences!! i hope youre doing a bit better a week later haha :")
@@mickyb6729 thank you, I was a little shaky after it but I've been focusing on breathing exercises which have been really helpful.(I'm a week late in my response too lol)
My anxiety convinces me that I am a burden on my loved ones, among other things and your affirmations at the end of the video made me cry. Thank you so much ❤
I only started calling myself disabled now after over a decade of chronic illness. I definitely feel like an imposter most the time.
Now I'm further in the video this sounds like my husband I. I have issues feeling that, even though I'm the main breadwinner this year, I should do everything else... my husband often is begging me to take a break. He usually can only convince me by saying if I push myself too hard now remember i could go in a flare and not be able to do anything i want next week. Literally he has to threaten me with my future ability even though it should be obvious to me that's a consequence
this comment hit a little too hard. i'm 99% sure i have hEDS (i check off enough of the criteria to call for a diagnosis), but no doctor has diagnosed me yet, so i feel like i'm faking it. i literally quit all the sports i played over the fact that i was always in pain and discomfort during games. i quit one as young as *10 years old*. and yet i still don't feel like i can call myself disabled because i feel like i don't have it bad enough.
@@jk-jl2lo I feel that. I have lupus (SLE) and fibro and I constantly was comparing to those with organ involvement. Like it didnt matter how much pain I was in if my kidneys weren't failing. Stay strong and I hope you get your diagnosis
Oh man. This is the truest. My husband basically has to take hold of my shoulders and guide me toward to couch to take a break.
@@jk-jl2lo I know how you feel. I totally diagnosed myself months before I got my official diagnosis from the Mayo Clinic. Even though it didn't change anything about my body, the diagnosis made me feel validated. I'm sorry that you're in that weird spot right now. Even if you are in that spot forever, just know that most online (and many in-person) EDS support groups will welcome you without an official diagnosis. We know how crappy the medical world is for our condition. 💜💜💜
My husband has to do the same thing with me. I'm not the main breadwinner, so I often blame myself for not contributing to the household income. My husband is always telling me to slow down or take the day off, even though I feel like taking the day off is all I do.
This hits close to home, been making myself feel worse lately bc brain dumb. Thanks for the encouraging words ❤️
Just know there are people who support you. The world is absolutely rubbish right now, and I'm sure you have your own problems going on, but it will get better. And if all else fails, Google "Pomeranian in a Paddington bear costume". You will not regret it.
@@mightbeavampire you don't have to burn bridges to talk about your feelings to people you care about... Probably best not to email a stranger unless they're a professional licenced therapist. I know you likely mean well, but this a perfect place for vulnerable people to be targeted.
@@mightbeavampire Also you could get some awful spam giving your email out...
@@Eloise_Please it's fine, not my main email
i can just close it if it gets bad
but i get your point
thanks for the warning
YES! This is exactly what I've been struggling with in regards to needing a wheelchair. All of the fun "am I disabled enough for this?" questions. Also, I feel like I'm being lazy every day...even though I'm exhausted after doing what I HAVE managed to do.
I felt so cathartic watching the Last Christmas movie because of the "You don't have to be special" message. (Also mild spoiler and kinda specific to the movie, but "You don't have to pay back for the transplant organ you got by becoming a star or astophysicist!") I went in expecting a Christmas romcom (with Malaysian-born male lead and cute interracial couple, well done!) but instead it hit home SO MUCH. Though then I wanted to tell my friends about how much I related to that movie, and my brain immediately switched to "You didn't have a transplantation, you cannot relate to the story!" But regardless, the tagline is something I repeat to myself a lot now that I realized I don't want the "career" I was studying long years for: "I's a -wonderful- life" because it's just a life and that's enough, it doesn't have to be "wonderful"
I feel this impostor syndrome with my ADHD so much. I have internalized being lazy and procrastinating, so when I do get amazing stuff done on my meds, I feel like I'm cheating my grades, because I have meds. I just spent the last 2 weeks doing barely anything except studying for a big test at Uni. Then I took the test and was able to answer almost all of the questions without much thinking and explained that away with "Well, it was an easy test, so of course I could do it." IT SEEMED EASY TO ME BECAUSE I STUDIED HARD FOR IT, FOR FOX SAKE!
I love this so much! I work with people that are "hard to hire" whether because of accident-led disabilities, addictions, family troubles... You name it. They're all good at something but almost none of them believe they are. One guy is so stressed about letting people down he's pushing his health down, he once kept working a whole afternoon under the scorching sun even though he kept vomiting!
Little do they know
Their supervisor (me) thinks she's never doing enough for them!
I'm autistic, I have sensory processing disorder and hypermobility. I use the disabled toilets because the public ones will set me off into a sensory overload and I also recently got a walking stick. I feel like a fraud using it even though it helps with my hips, back and knees. It's often I think I'm not "disabled" enough. Really needed this video ❤️
I feel especially bad when someone actually takes into account any of the small/mild disabilities that I have. Even when I'm extremely scared and anxious that they won't, and I should be happy I'm being taken seriously. I can usually function pretty well, but because it's unpredictable, I feel like I have to assume I'll be debilitated at any given moment, just so I won't let anyone down. But when I do this, I feel like I'm making too big of a deal of something that's usually not that bad... I have migraines (not as bad as some, but annoying nevertheless), mild IBS and social (or situational) anxiety. Sometimes these don't affect me at all (save for the fear of them flaring up suddenly). I feel like such a fraud.
I have auditory processing disorder, endometriosis, cyclic vomiting syndrome, and PTSD and I find that explaining this to people is too much and that it feels like I’m just trying to make them feel bad for me. I hate that it’s “always something” with me. It feels like I’m always in the process of getting a diagnosis, making and waiting for appointments, it’s endless. Most of the time i don’t talk about them until it’s IMPOSSIBLE to not bring it up. This video really helped me, as all of yours do. Even though my stuff isn’t as bad as others I still feel like I need support sometimes and this helps❤️🥰
This video is SO EXTREMELY WELCOME RIGHT NOW!! Next month, I'm going low-contact with my main external source of invalidation... which is terrifying because I'm referring to one of my lifetime primary caregivers (parent). But I've recently started figuring out that the invalidation is lies and I'm worthy and capable, and now I'm really tempted to delete this sentence, but I won't, because the invalidation is lies. My brain is literally punishing me, as we speak, for believing that the invalidation is lies, but there it is.
I want to spend the next half hour clicking 'like' over and over again (because catharsis), but alas, I must refrain from doing it more than once.
Jessica, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for this content - and for all your videos! I love them and rely on them and they're good for my soul, and regardless of what your inner critic might say at any given time, I really appreciate and value the effect you've had on my life.
(Also if your health or desires ever take you away from making videos, you will still CONTINUE to have a positive effect on me. Imposter syndrome and perfectionism are sneaky bitches, but I hope you know you're valid and valuable even if you're not able to create content - or if you just don't want to. The positive effect you've already had is permanent.)
"I am worthy of rest" - yeek. I had to RETIRE to learn this one. Otherwise, keep on pushing through. I grew up poor and learned early these words: "Are you bleeding? Is a bone sticking out? No? Okay, then ignore it and keep moving". Sigh.
The advice about talking to your mirror/reflection really works ! I did it for 6 months and I managed to fix some stuff that was bothering me a lot about myself. I try to tell everyone around me to do it but no one ever want to make the effort of trying... but if you're unhappy with something about yourself, it's a great way to start ! selfesteem is important ! ^^
but this video is still sound very familiar ha ha
I especially feel like this when I take my service dog places
Tell your service dog that theyre a good boy/girl/doggo 💜
@@translarrybutz he has been notified 😊😁
Awww give him a pet and tell him he's a good boy. He deserves it❤ I hope you havea great day!
Oh my goodness, this hit me hard. I've recently been told that I was born with hip bones that don't fit the sockets, and the result of that is crippling arthritis that means I need a full hip replacement, despite only being in my forties. Some days I can barely walk, but I'm not disabled enough for a blue badge, even though I need the extra space to get out of the car and often walk with a stick, and few people close to me see how much it affects my daily life. I often get 'parked' when out and about with my in-laws ('you've got your book? Great. We're all just walking to this awesome place. We'll be back in two hours!') but feel like I'm causing problems when I object. I haven't put my own shoes and socks on for two years and I constantly blame myself for that. I mask it as much as I can at work because I don't want people to think I can't do my job.
Like a lot of people in these comments, I'm horrible to myself in ways I would never be to anyone else. I was late to discovering my sexuality, but despite being married to a woman, I have imposter syndrome about that too. This video is superb, and you don't know what it means to hear someone say what I've needed to hear for a long time. X
As someone who has a sister with multiple sclerosis and has a nephew with cystic fibrosis, while dealing with my own autoimmune disease....this hit hard, I always wonder if I'm "sick enough" to complain when they are having a much more difficult time of it. I have days where even brushing my hair is torture or where showering takes all my energy....yet I feel unable to self-care/complain because it seems lazy or whiny. Far too often I push through or do far to much on a "good day" and end up paying for it later. I'm lucky to have a very understanding husband and children (all grown) that help me as much as possible or tell me when it's time to stop because they can see me exhausting myself.
As for the rude builder, I quite enjoyed hearing the muted sounds of construction in the background...it means you are getting closer to you dream kitchen and being able to bake in an actual oven.
Charmin Savage - I have ME and Fibromyalgia which is not helped by an inoperable bulging disc between L5/S1 that is constantly pressing on my sciatic nerve and it sends electric shocks of pain down my leg with alarming regularity. I am confined to a wheelchair but I need to rest horizontal in bed for most of the day. I enjoy playing Internet games and watching TH-cam videos. I am also gay and I live with my partner of 33.5 years. She is suffering herself as her 11 year breast cancer came back in her spine, and was found, 18 months ago. It is stable thankfully but it is playing havoc with her mind and she gets very tired. I saw you were married with grown up children and I thought/hoped you are not as young as most people who subscribe to Jessica. I am in my 60s but I throughly enjoy watching Jessica's videos. I do relate to both her Lesbianism and disability. When I came out it was 1970, long before Jessica was born, and it was kept underground then. It was not well received at all. I can't believe it has taken 50 years for gay marriage to become the norm. We still remain discrete because we know no different growing up. I really hope I am not the oldest person to follow Jessica. Thank you for letting me open up to you. Hugs xx
@@dorothyradley9391 I have fibro, degenerative disc disease in my neck (which is scary as get out because the "fix" will make it so I can't turn my head)and have suffered with arthritis since childhood. I was also a "blue baby" or born dead, but the dr. was really determined that I live after months of inter-uterine shots my mother had to endure...born in 1971, so pretty much a miracle at the time that I survived. I'm bi, but am married monogamously to a man who knows...my first husband didn't know until after I had already remarried - because quite honestly I could see his reaction as either bad or "let play a game", neither of which I was willing to entertain. I love that you have been with your partner for so many years, even with all the ups and down and really downs you are still fighting the battles as a team. I adore Jessica and Claudia so much and their love is so tangible it makes my bad days better and my good days great...and Jessica doing videos on both sexuality and disability has kept me entertained, informed, enlightened and sane. Many blessing...and gentle hugs xx
Every disability I live with is invisible. Every day I debate if I'm just dramatic or attention-seeking or faking, and it has kept me from going past a therapist to a psychiatrist despite suspected PTSD. Recently, it's even kept me from going into inpatient even though I think I should and feel unsafe.
Thank you for the validation. People need to hear this! Suffering isn't a leaderboard and you are valid. No matter how "bad" you think it is. If you have to ask if you are valid, you are.
Oh my god this explains so much! I am being studied for whether I have adhd, as well as being partially deaf my whole life and rely on lip reading a lot, I struggle when applying for jobs because of that "do you consider yourself disbaled?" box.
Am I? I mean, I struggle a lot. But only in social areas.. by myself I'm perfectly fine. But I mishear things a lot and struggle when people are talking in a group I get confused :( But I'm not disabled enough to need a badge for my car.
Eef, yeah. My disability specifics are different from yours, but I EMPATHIZE! I've been contemplating how I'd view friends/loved ones with my disabilities (cuz I'm kinder to friends than myself, so it helps me figure out if I'm being illogically mean to myself), and I've realized something that might help here:
'I'm not disabled enough [compared to others]' is a pretty meaningless point of comparison. Instead I use "I'm not disabled IN THE SAME WAY. I'm disabled in a different way."
@@cabright8904
a lot of people compare themselves to others and their achievements. always thinking “oh why are they so successful but i’m not? what am i doing wrong?” well, you’re not doing anything wrong. everybody has a different journey, a different story. go at your own pace, you’re doing amazing. try and praise yourself for the littlest of things. don’t ever think that you aren’t valid. you do matter. you are accepted. don’t ever think you aren’t doing enough. you’re doing your best, and that’s fantastic. like jessica said, you are enough. you really really are. you have a purpose. thank you for this video jess, sending love to you and everyone else. god bless ♡
That intro made me giggle 😂
Also that outfit is so beautiful, looks amazing on you Jessica. Thank you for posting.
definitely did NOT start crying at 9:55, not at all 😭😭😭
Through all of my struggles with ME, POTS, PCOS and all the other acronyms... your videos have inspired me so much to feel better about myself and my place in this world despite everything that I lost, and I cant express how much I appreciate videos like this
I always feel like I'm not Deaf enough. Always. Thank you for this.
you're awesome as yourself
and there is no "deaf enough" as hard as that is to believe
Me too! Then I forget my hearing aid and I remember, nope... girl you cannot hear on one side. That makes you.... Right! Deaf!
"you don't need to be special you don't need to be extraordinary" that make me cry so much, thank you
I'm not disabled, but I feel like I am gaslighting myself a lot. I am top of my class, but think that I am not smart. And then I have that constant need to just do better because if I don't get an A in that one exam, I am a fraud who doesn't deserve to be intelligent.
Sorry for the rant, coronavirus means I can't see my friends who are in the same boat as me, so I have no-one to speak to.
That is exactly what I do. I'm normally top of every class but if I get a grade that for other people would be great, it's not good enough for me and then I think I'm stupid. In my head if I don't get top of the class I'm not good enough and when people who got a grade close to or higher than mine keep on telling me about their grade it just confirms that I'm not actually intelligent and that people don't actually think I'm smart or that I have tricked them into thinking I'm smart and I have to work even harder to try and keep up that illusion.
I'm in the same situation. Everybody keeps telling me that I study a lot and that's okay to simply rest sometimes, but when I do, I feel like I'm wasting my time, I'm not so perfect as everybody thinks, not so intelligent, not so perfect... I really think maybe my standards are too high and impossible .
There is a very specific imposter syndrome for academic struggles as well. You are smart and you are valid. You are enough. I struggle with this as well but you are doing well, you do not have to be A+ all the time.
However, I think it's also important to keep your academic environment/program accountable. Most of academia is quite broken in this regard (did it ever really work?) and there are toxic work environments which then contributes to you feeling like you don't belong. Imposter syndrome definitely needs to be confronted internally, but the system making you feel like this, if it's making everyone else feel like that, probably means that the environment is toxic.
Remember your grades are not your worth. You are wonderfully and uniquely intelligent.
Same. Sometimes I even feel like an imposter for thinking I have imposter syndrome because that's for "actually smart" (aka not me)
@@maitesoto1953 Yes. I get imposter syndrome about having imposter syndrome because imposter syndrome is for people who are actually capable and smart
I feel so seen. I have really bad anxiety and OCD and always think I'm dramatic (lot of conditioning from people who don't understand mental illness is real). Thank for you this lovely reminder that imposter syndrome is real and a lot more people have it too, not just me, I don't feel as alone when listening to others who also experience it :)
I am not disabled, but I have such a hard time with imposter syndrome. Literally my brain decided it was the appropriate response to internally refute the things that Jessica was talking about...ugh, I need to get help with this.
The cute mirror and the affirmations to combat internal gaslighting bit! LOVE IT!! 👏🏻👏🏻 The humor with the mirror and then the well-worded and more serious affirmations ending with the cheeky, “I’m good, you can shut up now!” Oh perfect!! 👏🏻👏🏻
Can Jessica read minds? Cause she just described my entire internal dialogue, accept for the maladaptive daydreaming. I feel both comforted and called out at the same time. It's like I've always known it but this video brought it to the front of my attention. Thank you for making this video Jessica.
I was literally in the process of convincing myself I was "faking" everything (my illness, my intelligence, my talents, and basically everything about me) when this video came up. Is this a sign?
Defenitly
YES!
You're not alone.
Yes.
lol same here!
If we all just started our days with 9:56 (straight at camera Jessica telling us we are free to exist), the world would be a little brighter. Someone should make a supercut of “Affirmations from Jessica” ✨
Your point about soldiering on despite pain is very interesting. I've noticed that I, as well as those around me, value the struggle to get things done. Like the end result is that much more valuable because I suffered for it. I think it's important to remember that simply doing *something* is enough, even if you need help or it takes longer to do it.
it really helps to stop comparing yourself to other people. you can acknowledge that there are differences but not attach value to that. everyone experiences pain and happiness in a different way and that is okay.
Anyone else want Jessica to collab with Molly Burke?
YES
THEY NEED TO
yess!
Yes!
+
She is the most wholesome person on the planet
Thanks for the kind words, fairy godmother!
this video was like a hug, but better (ps. it reminds me of the time one of my teachers said to me that “you’re not being over-dramatic, you’re being honest” - this is the same mood)
You are looking gorgeous today! Wonderful video!
Not gonna cry... Definitely not going to cry...
My son is on the autism spectrum and I always down play how exhausting it can be, or how much my life has changed to be able to care for him in the best way possible. Even good days can be mentally exhausting but I know so many parents are in more difficult situations so I bottle it up, which probably isn’t helping my anxiety or depressions. Mental health is hard.
Today I didnt park in the disabled spaces near the front door of a place I visited. I made myself walk around the place and then had to walk up the hill to get back to my car, i ended up with chest pain and dizziness. My hips, knees and lower back were so bad I wanted to cry yet felt like I'm not "disabked enough" to park in that space that would have saved me 100s meters of walking, I also should have taken more breaks but pushed myself because I don't want to be seen as a burden.
"Today is enough" has become something of a mantra to me. No matter how good or bad the day was, how productive or unproductive, today is enough. Remembering that does a lot to help my self esteem
Oh my goodness I feel like this all the time, especially when it comes to my chronic illnesses. I almost feel better when my fibromyalgia flares because then it becomes more visible.
I have the same and my friends are really good with me about it but im still too scared to use a disabled toilets because strangers dont know even tho standing in the queue for normal toilets is literally physically painful for me😬
Me too!
i feel this so much! i feel like because fibro changes so often its hard to feel valid, cause people act like chronically ill people have to be one foot in the grave all the time
Right?! Like, when I'm in unbearable pain and can't walk, then I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I am actually disabled." But as soon as I have one good day, I question my whole entire illness/disability. 💜
@@greyv9107 Yes yes yes!!! That's exactly how I feel.
"Don't compare." Everyone is different. Just because a problem is/was easy to someone else, does not mean it will be for you. And just because someone else has more problems than you, or problems that are more serious, does not mean that you do not have problems. It also does not mean that pretending that a problem does not exist will help at all. You have problems that need to be dealt with, that is ok, and it is also ok to ask for the help and time you need. It is not a burden or a waist, it is using what you have effectively and preventing more problems. It is ok, and hopefully will be ok.
Apparently I've been gaslighting myself for most of my life. My personal favorite is, "Maybe I only think my symptoms are severe but anyone else would find them quite manageable."
This!!! 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
I honestly hadn’t realized gaslighting yourself was a thing until I started crying while you were talking about it. As always, your beautiful videos have impeccable timing.
Omg I needed this video. I have been disabled since I was 19 and I have tortured myself for years. Omg I needed this. I could cry. I do so much of this. Omg.
Whenever I made a doctor's appointment before I was diagnosed with H-EDS I constantly felt this. Why am I making such a big deal of my pain when others are worse off, am I exaggerating my own pain, like doctors had told me I was doing? It turns out local anesthetics don't work on me so the doctors that told me I wasn't in pain during medical procedures were straight up wrong, no questions about it. Diagnosis was a huge part of accepting my disability, but I also just had to work though all the gaslighting that doctors and I, myself, put me through. Thank you for this video so much!
I have to have a near-lethal amount of local for it to kick in & it wears off scary quick - like they are administering it drop by terrified drop and asking if it's working yet, and it's worn off after 20 minutes at most. Has anyone ever tried to work with you to find out your dose or are they all just giving you a normal dose and plowing in a minute later despite the agonised screaming?
You deserve to be listened to. That was actually the point of my comment but I probably didn't get there. Sorry!
Oh goodness, Jessica really brining me to tears with the validation at the end of this video. I think I really needed to hear this.
I began welling up when you were telling us we are "valid" & explained the inner turmoil of gaslighting ourselves. Thank you Jessica - this is amazing. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one who struggles with feelings of inadequacy by being "a burden" & not deserving of love because of my auto-immune illnesses. You are beautiful & your wife is a very lucky lady ❤️😘 xx
As someone with imposter syndrome with my field of study (as does most people ive talked to in higher education which is a big red flag about our society) this is very nice to hear especially cause now i have an definition of imposter syndrome cause my parents really dont grasp what it is and that no it is not a normal thing to feel like you're not good enough at something even when you have an entire degree in that thing
I feel like this could be applied to art, too. It's all well and good that some people can take pain and use it to make good art, but what if you're someone who wants to create but your pain doesn't leave you with enough energy? I sometimes feel like a fake artist and/or like I'm not really suffering...
Because that is a bullshit statement that is way too pervasive in society. And there to gaslight you. I feel the same way about it as I feel about "but you'll get exposure".
You can take inspiration from difficulties you have faced and use them in your art sure. But art itself is not built on pain. Big difference there that people don't include.
People are more prolific when they're feeling well. Artists who have created despite their pain would have been more prolific if they had way to manage/fix it (if it is something that can be fixed).
Thank you for posting this. Having invisible disabilities and high functioning anxiety, I honestly didn't really realize that I been sitting in this weird place where I don't feel like I should take a space meant for "real" disabled people. I just didn't realize that it was another form of imposter syndrome rearing its ugly head.
I didn't know how much I needed to hear this, thanks 😭💖 I do this but with my depression/anxiety. I say to myself many people have it way worse and manage to stay productive ad "succed" but I'm trying to unlearn it too. I will definitely use those "mantras". xx stay safe
In my entire time doing musical things in school through college. I've been in top tier auditioned groups, but I've always just told myself "oh there aren't very many guy singers here so I'm just always going to get in" I never let myself believe I have achieved. It was the same in academics. Like you said I always felt like people just made me out to be smarter than I actually am. Your video is so true. It is so hard to fight your internal narrative.
you sound like you're working on it
dont beat yourself up if it doesn't happen overnight
there's always tomorrow right?
"You don't need to be special". Well, you ARE _special_ Jessica and we love you for it 🦄!
What... Have I been gaslighting my own self all those years?🤦🏽♀️
Everytime I have a big flair up, I feel a bit of relief that "I wasn't making up the pain!"
And I know it's every time because my wife has heard it so many times
I love this! Thank you for speaking the words. I have a mental illness and I find myself saying these kinds of things to myself.
'You are allowed to feel sad' I love every video but this one really resonated today, thank you 💖
I do ask myself all those questions. Thanks!
The imposter syndrome and self-gaslighting are so real, especially with illnesses! In my experience, I have a huge tendency my discomfort and pain so much and I've been working so hard to realize that I'm not being "difficult" or "complaining" when I need immediate medical attention!
It's feeling like we can't give up, we're not allowed to. And not in a healthy way. I'm physically disabled and autistic, when I'm into a crisis, I feel like I don't have to complain and show I can still process as usual even if I can't. It's exhausting.
Same, masking is tiring enough but dealing with a disability as well is exhausting!
"You are very welcome here"... anyone else tearing up? So bl**dy lonely at the moment and struggling with chronic illness induced doubt, imposter syndrome and the whole blasted range of emotions therein, then Jessica puts this out. I couldn't have needed this more. Off to rewatch that last minute on repeat.
Jessica thank you so much for your final words. You have no idea how much i needed to hear them. Thank you... thank you so much.
YES! I experience Imposter syndrome about two things weirdly one is my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my brain tells me I do not have it because I have a great life and “no trauma” (8 surgeries, 6 major ones between ages of 4 and 14 are trauma, which blew my mind in therapy) and when I was 16 I presented to the FDA here in the United States, I was the only person under the age of 18 who spoke for themselves and the only person on the medication at the time who spoke, and it got approved and I was told that I was the reason it was approved, and I never believed that I was just thinking it was all the science. But in the beginning of the FDA hearing it sounded like it wasn’t going to be approved but after myself and the other people spoke, every person but one said yes to the medication being approved
You know what sucks? That in mainstream media whenever a character is injured or hurt they always bounce back and heal with a happy ending. When was the last time you heard about a character getting into a car crash, ending up in a wheel chair permanently and losing their job because of severe PTSD and depression?
You always seem to post videos on the exact day I need to hear the thing. I’m struggling so much for this thank you so much for being a bright spot in this world.
Thank you for making this video. I needed to hear this today. I have not been able to get out of bed for 3 days and I was feeling guilty about it. However I was only in bed because every time I sit up the room spins and my head pounds and my legs won't do what they are supposed to do. Ugh! But I have so many projects to do and I "should" be able to do them.
So thank you Jessica! You are my hero!
Oh my gosh you described exactly how I used to feel about my anxiety. My mom has a much worse mental health condition than my anxiety so I always felt like I didn't actually have anxiety problems or I was just making it up or something (to be clear, my mom never made me feel that way, I did it all to myself). I still struggle with it sometimes. This video has such a good message and then end made me tear up. Love you, Jessica!
Love this so insightful as always!
You always make the loveliest content to reassure all of us we're normal💕💕
jessica: _my darling_
everyone: 🥺
I started crying when you listed some of the signs of internal gaslighting, I've only just realized that's what I've been doing to myself in the past 2-3 years. Thank you so much
Thank you so much!!!!!! I have 2 chronic illnesses and I feel like I have to find a benefit from them and do something amazing with them. As well as keep up with everyone else like nothing is wrong. I will be in agonizing pain and crying, but I keep thinking of everyone who has it worse. I feel so alone trying to keep going. Thank you for showing me my feelings are valid. You give eveyone thr strength and grace we need to make it through the rest of the day.!!!!
I use these techniques for my depression and anxiety. Sometimes just turning that view around really helps. Other times it feels silly and pointless, but persistence over the long run has been helpful.
Lovely video as always and I will definitely be using that mirror trick. It is brilliant!
Wonderful video! It arrived just when I needed it, on my third day of crash/recovery after a 4 hour outing on Saturday.
I’m currently on bed rest, getting better due to lupus flare and watching u and how beautiful u look ... makeup, hair.. well that just gets me tired .
I'm watching this video while on lunch at work and I started tearing up when Jessica started talking about self gaslighting and how to combat it. I do that so much and it makes life so hard and it was so validating just to hear I'm not the only one who does it.
I'm a female Veteran with PTSD and MST. I'm qualified as a disabled Veteran. I still have trouble saying I'm a disabled Vet.