Accountability is SUCH a hard concept to grasp after growing up where certain people are expected to never need to be accountable. I grew up Mormon so church leaders never had to be held accountable, parents are never accountable. It’s only me, it’s always my fault. My mom tries so so so so hard to be a good mom but I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to fully wrap her head around feeling accountable without thinking I’m attacking her as a person. I have empathy for her life experience but expecting any validation or accountability from her has lead to me harming myself again and again. Oof. What a tough topic. You’ve done really great talking about this. I’ve had some problems with my current D&D group that I haven’t been able to put my finger on and this helped me see that I was getting triggered but it isn’t intentional on anyone’s fault. I’ve been feeling like an awful friend for having negative feelings when they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just hard to face my own insecurities in D&D, I’ve sat there fighting back tears because I feel like I’m not contributing to the game or having fun, and that’s childhood stuff, not their fault
I'm autistic and i also don't identify with the stigma of rigid black and white thinking as a whole...i read a phrase recently that autistic people often see the sky rather than the ceiling, in terms of seeing many possibilities or courses of action where a lot of people would only see one, and i think a lot of autistic people experience that... it's sort of the opposite of black and white thinking. There are so many paradoxes within autism, and i do experience strong emotions or responses environmentally that can be black or white seeming as compared with allistic people, but I think at least for myself this actually comes out of very non black or white thinking, that is more sensory based rather than responding from a societal construct (which i often dont have the leisure of because my sensory responses can be painful). I think societal constructs are more delineated than sensory responses, and therefore more black and white.....ive found that a lot of allistic people base both their decisions and responses more on these constructs, whereas autistic people base decisions and responses more strongly on sensory experience (i think some autistic also base our philosophies around this, which can also lead to less black or white thinking).
I relate to this with my ADHD (might be autistic too). I can be very flexible. I also recognise a lot more nuance than others seem to at times. But the difference is I find it harder to be fake or praise the emperor's new clothes without saying something. This happens a lot at work. Everyone knows what happened is fucked up. Everyone knows we failed, or that they treated someone badly, but we're not allowed to call it out. And nowhere is this written down. It's just a social norm that is STRONGLY enforced. Kills me inside every time I have to lie about stuff like that.
@@IshtarNike I really know what you mean, and i experience similar feelings too. It's complicated because we don't want to hurt anyone, but those situations can sometimes be more harmful in the long term. it can feel like we see those patterns really clearly sometimes, and can be hard to convey that they're problematic without hurting anyone.
Yeah I agree. The only thing black or what about us is how we see the world differently and we refuse to compromise and so that’s when they tell us we think in black or white. For me personally, I’ve learned from one of my Life coaches who is also autistic, that “I think in systems” and it makes so much more sense to me because when the system is broken, I want to fix it or readjust or reconceptualize the system and make it work properly but now I’ve learned to just walk away from broken systems, if I’m able to and also because it’s not my job, nor my responsibility to fix everything that’s broken in the world. Even though i tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. I’m working to try and focus on doing the little bit of good i can each day while also making good trouble as the late John Lewis would say and making sure i don’t go into a shutdown or burnout as often bc i am newly diagnosed and now I’ve realized that especially in the past like 10-11 years, I’ve pretty much been in a huge burnout/shutdown/meltdown cycle and have barely escaped it. And i was unaware of it for so long until i had two huge meltdowns on in July and one like 2 weeks ago. So I’m trying to be so much more mindful and learn more about autism and unpack the internalized ableism that I have whilst seeking more support as someone who was told that I currently have moderate to severe needs of support and I’m looking into other diagnoses because I’ve been through a lot of emotional and psychological trauma in my life.
I don’t think autistic people have black and white thinking. We just have more logical type thinking. Like 2+2=4 isn’t up for debate, you cant ask me not to believe it. Perhaps this style doesn’t always come across in the right way. So I think for example horoscopes are not true, and I get annoyed if people try and use them like objective truths. But I also understand that it may give people comfort, so I don’t usually argue with them, unless I think it might hurt someone. If someone said Aries people are usually not brave, I would say, you can’t generalise like that, there are many people who are brave born in these months, why would you use something unscientific to put people down. But it’s the same with a lot of untrue patterns that people see in the world, sometimes they hurt people. Can go as far as victim blaming "what was she wearing?" "Poor people are lazy". I will always try to debunk social myths that hurt people. So it’s hard to say who is more black and white.
Thank u for this! My dad just called me this morning when I was still mute & after having this conversation a few days ago. I felt kinda frustrated or not considered during the call cause I tried to communicate to the best of my ability without overcompensating/masking & dysregulating myself. He still didn't get the hint & there was nothing i could do to convey that. Checking-in periodically sounds fair & realistic. I can c how my people r willing to listen so I appreciate the reminder to accept the mistakes, check-in, & trust the process.
Also, if your partner is struggling, they will revert to past ways of doing things. Just like us, it's hard to work on growth when you're just making it. This is such a grounded, informative video and I greatly appreciate the honesty and willingness to say the truth here.
I love your videos but this may be my first comment. I'm both Autistic and Buddhist, and this concept of owning my own pain really resonates for me. With no intention to say anything polarizing, and with respect for everyone's right to ignore me, Buddhism concerns itself with causes and effects...the pain I feel is an effect, some of the causes of my pain may very well be those created by other people and external factors...BUT those external causes can't actually hurt me unless there is also a cause inside my life that results in a pain response to whatever is happening. I love how you put things, thank you so much!
Love to see the role of consistency in this difficult task. This is a burden that I end up carrying anyway, as soon as I learned how to do it. I remember having made plenty of mistakes and being written off as a (insert negative label) person instead of explaining why it wasn't a good decision, and it isn't something I'd like to repeat with others. I've been in their place before, especially as a child and as a teenager; and I've faced the consequences of lacking in an actually just outlook. That's a reminder that often brings me back to center. A belief that often gets in the way of my patience is zeroing on the disproportionate onus on me to carry the burden of improvement. Believing that I'm not as allowed to make mistakes as the rest (even though that was what experience, indeed, taught me). That part, you nailed it in the head, and it's difficult to derive power out of a situation that feels powerless more often than not. Having the space to take care has made a significant difference. I could only do this as soon as I started meeting people like me, and having our struggles believed in the first place. Patience comes easier in my experience when having the experience of 1. having my cup filled, 2. being aware of how my cup is being filled. It's a valuable space to have when dealing with plenty of people who reproduce the triggering things they've learned. (I'm also non-binary in a place with binary language, what you've conveyed in this video is also helpful to this area of my life as well.) Thank you for the work you do!
This video feels strangely relatable as I’ve experienced all of this with my in-laws, who are my only family outside of my partner. I and they’ve known I’m autistic for about a year now and there have been lots of ups and downs that have been extremely painful and disheartening for me, but I know it was me projecting a lot of my stuff onto them. What doesn’t help is all the trauma I have and all the trauma they have as well. Thanks for helping me see it from a different perspective and improve my approach 🙏
Another great and thought provoking video Irene! Your videos always help me understand my AuDHD 10yr stepdaughter better. In fact, we trial and error what will help her during shut downs and meltdowns because when we ask her what she needs, her answer is always “I don’t know”. We are open about her being AuDHD but because the disability is not “visible”, she doesn’t see how it impacts her life. The self awareness, accountability, reflection has not yet developed or is not considered to be of value at this point. I watch your videos and others because I hear how hard middle school and high school is for high masking autistic girls. My partner and I want to reduce the level of experience and anxiety she will face but the AuDHD awareness of herself has not yet developed. She currently has no issues with her masking and camouflaging to fit in. When we let her know that she can like things that her friends are not into, she gets upset and says that their likes happens to be hers as well. We try to encourage her to explain her AuDHD needs and traits to her peers but she isn’t willing yet. I’m not sure if she doesn’t want to disclose her diagnosis or if she doesn’t think it will make an impact. Thanks again for articulating the content well and giving examples in your videos.
She may not know how to explain it. She’s still a kid, so even though she is Autistic, she may not understand it entirely. I didn’t know that I was Autistic until a few years ago. I did have a diagnosis of some kind that’s no longer used (PDD-NOS), but I didn’t even know that I had that specific diagnosis. My parents could barely explain it to me because of how vague and confusing it was. Which is why it was discontinued, among other diagnosis like Asperger’s. As she gets older and is able to understand more than she does now, perhaps she’ll be able to better articulate what her needs are. Also, masking isn’t really good in the long run. It can harm her mentally and emotionally. I don’t blue anything about here and what she needs exactly, but the answer isn’t for her to act more “normal.” Nor does it mean that Autism is justification for being or disrespectful. Although I get that it’s not easy to know the difference. Just try to be as patient as you can and keep learning about Autism as you are now.
Thank you, very important video! While I know it’s important to recognize your own trauma and being too hard on your loved ones, it would be helpful if you talked about the difference between a loved one who genuinely cares AND the loved one who can never be held accountable… Some people in my life unfortunately lean towards the latter and justifying their behavior all the time has caused me serious trauma….
coming from the line "teaching a baby" where does the line draw from being a parent to being a partner? i feel like its easy to get lost in this arduous journey of give & take and forgiving in relationships that it can be hard to recognize when to let that person go. I feel like the best answer to this is to reflect and consider if there is any effort being shown, but maybe there's another perspective on this question. i think black and white thinking is more applicable in life that whats being expressed here. cause i feel like the black and white thinking in autistic minds is what makes the grey. we need to be reflective and receptive to allow that black white to blend together and make the grey. that's a skill that is suppose to be practiced. the black and white would represent two truths, that can even contradict one another sometimes, existing at the same time then to hold them together creating a space of understanding nuance ie the grey area
I believe that she is expressing this in this video. You added your own perspective that further breaks down where she is coming from. Sometimes our words help add to the depth and understanding of someone else's words.
How can we navigate a situation where we express how someone's actions have affected us, take responsibility for our part, and emphasize that it's more about our own feelings? It can be challenging when the other person interprets this personally and feels accused, despite our reassurances. Additionally, it becomes complicated when they also attribute their own issues to us. What would be a constructive way to approach this?
when does it come to a pivotal moment to decide when to let that person go? how long can we keep holding out hope that the people in our lives will take responsibility for their ignorance and projections to be able to show up for their autistic loved ones? if one keeps sweeping things under the rug, it'll fester into an unhealthy & sometimes even into an abusive relationship. yes autistic people need to show patience & forgiveness to the allistic loved ones in the times of gaps in knowledge and "getting it right", but it needs to be reciprocated to be a functioning relationship. how do we recognize when the lack of reciprocation has gone on for too long?
@nanigonzalez442 I concur that reciprocity is essential. You mentioned that allowing issues to fester can be considered abusive. I am concerned that I may engage in this behavior due to my delayed processing. Often, I do not recognize that someone has been mistreating me until several months later. Most matters may have already been communicated, but I find it challenging to converse with allistics, as they frequently ascribe alternative meanings to my words, even when I explicitly ask them not to. Consequently, I tend to refrain from communication, and when I do attempt to express myself, the same issues arise; therefore, I opt to allow them to maintain their incorrect interpretations, as they are not grasping what I am trying to convey.
@@blueorchid5971 no i didn't mean to say that being the one to do the sweeping is necessarily abusive, its the allowing of turning it into a habit or a dynamic as the other takes advantage of that because it enables them to treat the sweeper the way they want to treat the sweeper, which often looks like gaslighting, disrespect, twisting words, alienating. i don't think it really matters when you recognize that someone is (possibly) abusive, it just matters that you recognize it at all and that you want to change your situation. i personally don't know how to get someone to see your perspective or to get them to change their mind. in my experience, it cant be done. because ultimately you cant choose how someone feels or acts, they have to do that. they have to take accountability and put in the effort to be better, but if a person doesn't choose that then really the only option you have (being that you want to care about your own well-being when communicating, compromising & forgiving just isn't working) is to let them go. i hope this makes sense & that it doesn't come across as vindictive. the previous comment i made that you responded to are also just actual questions i have that i felt needed to be mentioned, cause i felt the video was a bit one-sided in the sense that it was mostly discussing the kinds of relationships that want to try and be better (although irene did mention that relationships only work when the two work together) when it's common for a lot of autistic people to get stuck in relationships with people who are vain and manipulative and your original comment felt like it was headed in the direction of discussing abusive relationships.
@nanigonzalez442 thank you I really appreciate the time you took to create this comment. I agree, changing someone's perspective is impossible which is why I find communication tricky especially when it consists of making requests. I'd rather admit the incompatibilities and find a person who is more adequate. Thank you again I'll make sure to re read :)
You know what’s soooo funny.. I feel as though my black and white thinking has been shifted towards nuance. Instead of one opinion or another, I find myself being a advocate for nuance to a fault. Always looking for different perspectives and approaching things in search of information and if someone else doesn’t try and absorb different perspectives in comes the dysregulation and brain static. I guess the black and white would be between nuance and firm, singular, uninformed opinions. Not looking to understand all points of view is akin to sin in my little brain and I know not everyone needs to burden their brain with thinking so deeply about things most people might deem trivial.. but I just can’t help recoiling in disgust. All love and respect to people who don’t look that deeply for nuance though, you free up so much time in your life and I admire that for sure. Spending hours a day just being stuck in your own head thinking deeply about inconsequential things is peak dysfunction😭
The hardest part is when it’s our loved ones and these ones financially and otherwise support us and we definitely we need help and understanding them. I don’t know how you can you know help get it to us and they need help and understanding us, but it definitely almost takes a third-party.
When I got my diagnosis the doctor told my parents that I'd never live a normal life or have relationships so they took me to sign up for disability and the rest from there is history
I'm on the disability pension in my country for psychosocial disability. Really, it's my neurodivergence. I don't know if I'm autistic but I am certainly neurodiverse compared with the capitalist drones in my society. My identity has been developed outside the fashionable status quo so I have trouble when people want me to fit in with it. My neurodivergence is more political than anything though, my Dad raised me for the first part of my life to question capitalism. Autism is not your identity. A diagnosis is not a prognosis.
Thanks for talking about magic mind I’ve needed various things to help me along the way exercise like strong cardiovascular. Lots of coffee became actually with all of the mushrooms like core sub, turkey tail, lions, Main, etc. and now it’s a mix with all of those and Wanda and Rhodiola and it’s been pretty good for the past couple days. I almost felt normal but then I had a night or two when I hadn’t eaten and I had that and I was shaking and really edgy and I wasn’t sure if it was not eating or if it was, the cumulative effect of those so be a little careful but I also take all of those you know vitamin B three fish oil. I’m also HRT because I’m older and you will be amazed the affect that estrogen progesterone I mean hormones have a lot to do with a lot of, let’s just say they have a lot to do with a lot of, that thing I hate I have good thoughts, but I’m not as well or clearly spoken as others I know and sometimes they think I’m being a generalist or saying dumb things or think I’m right and it’s like no I just I’ve been searching, but I don’t have time to grab a Taurus for the right word
I'm self diagnosed, so my mom doeant believe me, due to the fact that my other autistic friends suggested it then I looked into it. She doesnt beleive me....
@roberta4522 I'm not sure I have the money to afford it. Otherwise I've been somewhat trying to bring it up to my therapist. She's a bit hesitant herself.
It’s funny we live in such a me versus you culture but when you see it as an us and not always in the traditional sense like us isn’t, I won’t go into it too much but it’s more like you’re an organism and I won’t say that’s easy to receive but overtime it helps you chill out
@@devilslayer3548For me, it means the mask is harder to maintain. I’m 40 and just realized I was neurodivergent over the past year, but I’ve always known I was different and somewhat removed from the human experience I observed those around me having. Over the past 5 years I have found myself increasingly saying I have less and less f**ks to give, which was really me trying to say I didn’t have the energy to maintain the mask. I just didn’t have the vocabulary when it really started slipping. I now know that it’s not good to mask anyway and I have been working on that, but my whole life up until recently it didn’t seem like an option not to.
When Irene means teaching loved ones about Autism, does she mean integrating behaviors they must change? What would that actually look like (since this is a bit vague imo)?
A change of mindset and a change of behaviors that will have them intentionally accommodate autistic folks. Having knowledge of what autism is and how autistic people interact with the world more specifically learning about that specific autistic person and what accommodations they need from others. For example, I as an autistic person need people to tell me about plans they want to make with me ahead of time and give me as much details as they possibly can so I can prep for that event (as most autistic ppl struggle with transitioning from one thing to another), that’s an accommodation and learning about autism and me as an autistic person would help them understand why I need that accommodation and therefore mindfully implement that accommodation in our day to day lives. I hope I managed to answer your question!
Another thing is that sometimes allistic people have some behaviors and/or mindsets hardwired that we autistic people don’t have, don’t benefit from, or even hurts us. For example, indirect communication such as “What are you eating?” and what they’re actually trying to convey is that they would like you to share some of your food with them. Some autistic ppl won’t jump into that conclusion and that can cause distress and frustration between the two parties. If ppl want to accommodate their autistic loved ones, they will have to unlearn behaviors such as that, or at least around autistic ppl, and change it so that when they communicate with autistic ppl it is through direct and detailed communication
@@jarii.2245but you have to think about the other side you can’t always expect people to change because of autism and think they have to change their way of living 100%
@@devilslayer3548 Your lifestyle doesn’t have to change 100%. Autism is a disability and disabled people need to be accommodated accordingly which shouldn’t be a burden and it’s not the responsibility of one individual if not society in general. Besides there are somethings autistic people CAN’T change without hurting themselves in the process whereas allistic people can provide accommodations without it hurting them as they do not have (that) disability. If my loved one has a disability I do not have and can accommodate for them, say they require mobility aid, I will change my lifestyle to accommodate them accordingly and I won’t expect anything in return as I don’t require any accommodation because I’m not physically disabled and I would expect society to care of disabled people the same way (ramps, working elevators, electric doors, etc.)
@@devilslayer3548 This type of argument can be ableist and is also used when it comes to race and LGBTQIA+. People of color and ppl in the LGBTQIA+ community have asked for inclusion (rightfully so) because they’ve been excluded and their rights have been stripped (some rights still are or at a risk in the present day) and people who aren’t part of it will use this type of argument to continue to exclude them whether intentional or not.
It’s funny we live in such a me versus you culture but when you see it as an us and not always in the traditional sense like us isn’t, I won’t go into it too much but it’s more like you’re an organism and I won’t say that’s easy to receive but overtime it helps you chill out
Accountability is SUCH a hard concept to grasp after growing up where certain people are expected to never need to be accountable. I grew up Mormon so church leaders never had to be held accountable, parents are never accountable. It’s only me, it’s always my fault. My mom tries so so so so hard to be a good mom but I don’t know if she’ll ever be able to fully wrap her head around feeling accountable without thinking I’m attacking her as a person. I have empathy for her life experience but expecting any validation or accountability from her has lead to me harming myself again and again.
Oof. What a tough topic. You’ve done really great talking about this. I’ve had some problems with my current D&D group that I haven’t been able to put my finger on and this helped me see that I was getting triggered but it isn’t intentional on anyone’s fault. I’ve been feeling like an awful friend for having negative feelings when they haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just hard to face my own insecurities in D&D, I’ve sat there fighting back tears because I feel like I’m not contributing to the game or having fun, and that’s childhood stuff, not their fault
❤
I'm autistic and i also don't identify with the stigma of rigid black and white thinking as a whole...i read a phrase recently that autistic people often see the sky rather than the ceiling, in terms of seeing many possibilities or courses of action where a lot of people would only see one, and i think a lot of autistic people experience that... it's sort of the opposite of black and white thinking. There are so many paradoxes within autism, and i do experience strong emotions or responses environmentally that can be black or white seeming as compared with allistic people, but I think at least for myself this actually comes out of very non black or white thinking, that is more sensory based rather than responding from a societal construct (which i often dont have the leisure of because my sensory responses can be painful). I think societal constructs are more delineated than sensory responses, and therefore more black and white.....ive found that a lot of allistic people base both their decisions and responses more on these constructs, whereas autistic people base decisions and responses more strongly on sensory experience (i think some autistic also base our philosophies around this, which can also lead to less black or white thinking).
I relate to this with my ADHD (might be autistic too). I can be very flexible. I also recognise a lot more nuance than others seem to at times. But the difference is I find it harder to be fake or praise the emperor's new clothes without saying something. This happens a lot at work. Everyone knows what happened is fucked up. Everyone knows we failed, or that they treated someone badly, but we're not allowed to call it out. And nowhere is this written down. It's just a social norm that is STRONGLY enforced. Kills me inside every time I have to lie about stuff like that.
@@IshtarNike I really know what you mean, and i experience similar feelings too. It's complicated because we don't want to hurt anyone, but those situations can sometimes be more harmful in the long term. it can feel like we see those patterns really clearly sometimes, and can be hard to convey that they're problematic without hurting anyone.
i also find a pattern of allistic people struggling with rigid black and white thinking compared to autistic folks.
Yeah I agree. The only thing black or what about us is how we see the world differently and we refuse to compromise and so that’s when they tell us we think in black or white. For me personally, I’ve learned from one of my Life coaches who is also autistic, that “I think in systems” and it makes so much more sense to me because when the system is broken, I want to fix it or readjust or reconceptualize the system and make it work properly but now I’ve learned to just walk away from broken systems, if I’m able to and also because it’s not my job, nor my responsibility to fix everything that’s broken in the world. Even though i tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. I’m working to try and focus on doing the little bit of good i can each day while also making good trouble as the late John Lewis would say and making sure i don’t go into a shutdown or burnout as often bc i am newly diagnosed and now I’ve realized that especially in the past like 10-11 years, I’ve pretty much been in a huge burnout/shutdown/meltdown cycle and have barely escaped it. And i was unaware of it for so long until i had two huge meltdowns on in July and one like 2 weeks ago. So I’m trying to be so much more mindful and learn more about autism and unpack the internalized ableism that I have whilst seeking more support as someone who was told that I currently have moderate to severe needs of support and I’m looking into other diagnoses because I’ve been through a lot of emotional and psychological trauma in my life.
I don’t think autistic people have black and white thinking. We just have more logical type thinking. Like 2+2=4 isn’t up for debate, you cant ask me not to believe it. Perhaps this style doesn’t always come across in the right way. So I think for example horoscopes are not true, and I get annoyed if people try and use them like objective truths. But I also understand that it may give people comfort, so I don’t usually argue with them, unless I think it might hurt someone. If someone said Aries people are usually not brave, I would say, you can’t generalise like that, there are many people who are brave born in these months, why would you use something unscientific to put people down. But it’s the same with a lot of untrue patterns that people see in the world, sometimes they hurt people. Can go as far as victim blaming "what was she wearing?" "Poor people are lazy". I will always try to debunk social myths that hurt people. So it’s hard to say who is more black and white.
This topic is sooo necessary to talk about! And more as a late diagnosed autistic adult.
Thank you so much for speaking about this!
Thank u for this! My dad just called me this morning when I was still mute & after having this conversation a few days ago. I felt kinda frustrated or not considered during the call cause I tried to communicate to the best of my ability without overcompensating/masking & dysregulating myself. He still didn't get the hint & there was nothing i could do to convey that. Checking-in periodically sounds fair & realistic. I can c how my people r willing to listen so I appreciate the reminder to accept the mistakes, check-in, & trust the process.
Also, if your partner is struggling, they will revert to past ways of doing things. Just like us, it's hard to work on growth when you're just making it.
This is such a grounded, informative video and I greatly appreciate the honesty and willingness to say the truth here.
I love your videos but this may be my first comment. I'm both Autistic and Buddhist, and this concept of owning my own pain really resonates for me. With no intention to say anything polarizing, and with respect for everyone's right to ignore me, Buddhism concerns itself with causes and effects...the pain I feel is an effect, some of the causes of my pain may very well be those created by other people and external factors...BUT those external causes can't actually hurt me unless there is also a cause inside my life that results in a pain response to whatever is happening. I love how you put things, thank you so much!
Love to see the role of consistency in this difficult task.
This is a burden that I end up carrying anyway, as soon as I learned how to do it. I remember having made plenty of mistakes and being written off as a (insert negative label) person instead of explaining why it wasn't a good decision, and it isn't something I'd like to repeat with others. I've been in their place before, especially as a child and as a teenager; and I've faced the consequences of lacking in an actually just outlook. That's a reminder that often brings me back to center.
A belief that often gets in the way of my patience is zeroing on the disproportionate onus on me to carry the burden of improvement. Believing that I'm not as allowed to make mistakes as the rest (even though that was what experience, indeed, taught me). That part, you nailed it in the head, and it's difficult to derive power out of a situation that feels powerless more often than not.
Having the space to take care has made a significant difference. I could only do this as soon as I started meeting people like me, and having our struggles believed in the first place. Patience comes easier in my experience when having the experience of 1. having my cup filled, 2. being aware of how my cup is being filled. It's a valuable space to have when dealing with plenty of people who reproduce the triggering things they've learned. (I'm also non-binary in a place with binary language, what you've conveyed in this video is also helpful to this area of my life as well.)
Thank you for the work you do!
This video feels strangely relatable as I’ve experienced all of this with my in-laws, who are my only family outside of my partner. I and they’ve known I’m autistic for about a year now and there have been lots of ups and downs that have been extremely painful and disheartening for me, but I know it was me projecting a lot of my stuff onto them. What doesn’t help is all the trauma I have and all the trauma they have as well. Thanks for helping me see it from a different perspective and improve my approach 🙏
Another great and thought provoking video Irene! Your videos always help me understand my AuDHD 10yr stepdaughter better. In fact, we trial and error what will help her during shut downs and meltdowns because when we ask her what she needs, her answer is always “I don’t know”. We are open about her being AuDHD but because the disability is not “visible”, she doesn’t see how it impacts her life. The self awareness, accountability, reflection has not yet developed or is not considered to be of value at this point.
I watch your videos and others because I hear how hard middle school and high school is for high masking autistic girls. My partner and I want to reduce the level of experience and anxiety she will face but the AuDHD awareness of herself has not yet developed. She currently has no issues with her masking and camouflaging to fit in. When we let her know that she can like things that her friends are not into, she gets upset and says that their likes happens to be hers as well. We try to encourage her to explain her AuDHD needs and traits to her peers but she isn’t willing yet. I’m not sure if she doesn’t want to disclose her diagnosis or if she doesn’t think it will make an impact.
Thanks again for articulating the content well and giving examples in your videos.
She may not know how to explain it. She’s still a kid, so even though she is Autistic, she may not understand it entirely. I didn’t know that I was Autistic until a few years ago. I did have a diagnosis of some kind that’s no longer used (PDD-NOS), but I didn’t even know that I had that specific diagnosis. My parents could barely explain it to me because of how vague and confusing it was. Which is why it was discontinued, among other diagnosis like Asperger’s. As she gets older and is able to understand more than she does now, perhaps she’ll be able to better articulate what her needs are. Also, masking isn’t really good in the long run. It can harm her mentally and emotionally. I don’t blue anything about here and what she needs exactly, but the answer isn’t for her to act more “normal.” Nor does it mean that Autism is justification for being or disrespectful. Although I get that it’s not easy to know the difference. Just try to be as patient as you can and keep learning about Autism as you are now.
Thank you, very important video! While I know it’s important to recognize your own trauma and being too hard on your loved ones, it would be helpful if you talked about the difference between a loved one who genuinely cares AND the loved one who can never be held accountable… Some people in my life unfortunately lean towards the latter and justifying their behavior all the time has caused me serious trauma….
Thank You So very much. This was timely information!!!🎉😊 Grateful
coming from the line "teaching a baby" where does the line draw from being a parent to being a partner? i feel like its easy to get lost in this arduous journey of give & take and forgiving in relationships that it can be hard to recognize when to let that person go. I feel like the best answer to this is to reflect and consider if there is any effort being shown, but maybe there's another perspective on this question.
i think black and white thinking is more applicable in life that whats being expressed here. cause i feel like the black and white thinking in autistic minds is what makes the grey. we need to be reflective and receptive to allow that black white to blend together and make the grey. that's a skill that is suppose to be practiced. the black and white would represent two truths, that can even contradict one another sometimes, existing at the same time then to hold them together creating a space of understanding nuance ie the grey area
I believe that she is expressing this in this video. You added your own perspective that further breaks down where she is coming from.
Sometimes our words help add to the depth and understanding of someone else's words.
Another great informative video Irene!! Thanks!! Very helpful advice you give! Hope you are well!!
ahh im crying watching this. thank you.
How can we navigate a situation where we express how someone's actions have affected us, take responsibility for our part, and emphasize that it's more about our own feelings? It can be challenging when the other person interprets this personally and feels accused, despite our reassurances. Additionally, it becomes complicated when they also attribute their own issues to us. What would be a constructive way to approach this?
when does it come to a pivotal moment to decide when to let that person go? how long can we keep holding out hope that the people in our lives will take responsibility for their ignorance and projections to be able to show up for their autistic loved ones? if one keeps sweeping things under the rug, it'll fester into an unhealthy & sometimes even into an abusive relationship. yes autistic people need to show patience & forgiveness to the allistic loved ones in the times of gaps in knowledge and "getting it right", but it needs to be reciprocated to be a functioning relationship. how do we recognize when the lack of reciprocation has gone on for too long?
@nanigonzalez442 I concur that reciprocity is essential. You mentioned that allowing issues to fester can be considered abusive. I am concerned that I may engage in this behavior due to my delayed processing. Often, I do not recognize that someone has been mistreating me until several months later. Most matters may have already been communicated, but I find it challenging to converse with allistics, as they frequently ascribe alternative meanings to my words, even when I explicitly ask them not to. Consequently, I tend to refrain from communication, and when I do attempt to express myself, the same issues arise; therefore, I opt to allow them to maintain their incorrect interpretations, as they are not grasping what I am trying to convey.
@@blueorchid5971 no i didn't mean to say that being the one to do the sweeping is necessarily abusive, its the allowing of turning it into a habit or a dynamic as the other takes advantage of that because it enables them to treat the sweeper the way they want to treat the sweeper, which often looks like gaslighting, disrespect, twisting words, alienating. i don't think it really matters when you recognize that someone is (possibly) abusive, it just matters that you recognize it at all and that you want to change your situation. i personally don't know how to get someone to see your perspective or to get them to change their mind. in my experience, it cant be done. because ultimately you cant choose how someone feels or acts, they have to do that. they have to take accountability and put in the effort to be better, but if a person doesn't choose that then really the only option you have (being that you want to care about your own well-being when communicating, compromising & forgiving just isn't working) is to let them go. i hope this makes sense & that it doesn't come across as vindictive.
the previous comment i made that you responded to are also just actual questions i have that i felt needed to be mentioned, cause i felt the video was a bit one-sided in the sense that it was mostly discussing the kinds of relationships that want to try and be better (although irene did mention that relationships only work when the two work together) when it's common for a lot of autistic people to get stuck in relationships with people who are vain and manipulative and your original comment felt like it was headed in the direction of discussing abusive relationships.
@nanigonzalez442 thank you I really appreciate the time you took to create this comment. I agree, changing someone's perspective is impossible which is why I find communication tricky especially when it consists of making requests. I'd rather admit the incompatibilities and find a person who is more adequate. Thank you again I'll make sure to re read :)
Educating loved ones about autism can be emotionally taxing, especially if they don’t understand it right away.
This is all great advice. I also find that quite a bit of this is applicable to the coming out experience.
You know what’s soooo funny.. I feel as though my black and white thinking has been shifted towards nuance. Instead of one opinion or another, I find myself being a advocate for nuance to a fault. Always looking for different perspectives and approaching things in search of information and if someone else doesn’t try and absorb different perspectives in comes the dysregulation and brain static. I guess the black and white would be between nuance and firm, singular, uninformed opinions. Not looking to understand all points of view is akin to sin in my little brain and I know not everyone needs to burden their brain with thinking so deeply about things most people might deem trivial.. but I just can’t help recoiling in disgust. All love and respect to people who don’t look that deeply for nuance though, you free up so much time in your life and I admire that for sure. Spending hours a day just being stuck in your own head thinking deeply about inconsequential things is peak dysfunction😭
Thank you ❤
Thanks a tonne ❤
This is gold💛
The hardest part is when it’s our loved ones and these ones financially and otherwise support us and we definitely we need help and understanding them. I don’t know how you can you know help get it to us and they need help and understanding us, but it definitely almost takes a third-party.
When I got my diagnosis the doctor told my parents that I'd never live a normal life or have relationships so they took me to sign up for disability and the rest from there is history
what even is "normal" anyway? that is so nuanced. there's evidence to being a "typical" or an "average". but does "normal" even exist?
I'm on the disability pension in my country for psychosocial disability. Really, it's my neurodivergence. I don't know if I'm autistic but I am certainly neurodiverse compared with the capitalist drones in my society. My identity has been developed outside the fashionable status quo so I have trouble when people want me to fit in with it. My neurodivergence is more political than anything though, my Dad raised me for the first part of my life to question capitalism. Autism is not your identity. A diagnosis is not a prognosis.
im realizing everytime after a night where im relatively consciously outside my body how angry i am
Thanks for talking about magic mind I’ve needed various things to help me along the way exercise like strong cardiovascular. Lots of coffee became actually with all of the mushrooms like core sub, turkey tail, lions, Main, etc. and now it’s a mix with all of those and Wanda and Rhodiola and it’s been pretty good for the past couple days. I almost felt normal but then I had a night or two when I hadn’t eaten and I had that and I was shaking and really edgy and I wasn’t sure if it was not eating or if it was, the cumulative effect of those so be a little careful but I also take all of those you know vitamin B three fish oil. I’m also HRT because I’m older and you will be amazed the affect that estrogen progesterone I mean hormones have a lot to do with a lot of, let’s just say they have a lot to do with a lot of, that thing I hate I have good thoughts, but I’m not as well or clearly spoken as others I know and sometimes they think I’m being a generalist or saying dumb things or think I’m right and it’s like no I just I’ve been searching, but I don’t have time to grab a Taurus for the right word
I'm self diagnosed, so my mom doeant believe me, due to the fact that my other autistic friends suggested it then I looked into it. She doesnt beleive me....
Your mom does not believe you because she does not believe in autism or she feel shame that you are autism
are you able to find a psychiatrist who can diagnose you?
@@roberta4522 its not easy to find one
@roberta4522 I'm not sure I have the money to afford it. Otherwise I've been somewhat trying to bring it up to my therapist. She's a bit hesitant herself.
oof 30 seconds in and im about to cry....
Thank yoou! :-) :-)
It’s funny we live in such a me versus you culture but when you see it as an us and not always in the traditional sense like us isn’t, I won’t go into it too much but it’s more like you’re an organism and I won’t say that’s easy to receive but overtime it helps you chill out
Autism gets worse with time, at age 35 you Will feel more autistic
What do that even mean
@@devilslayer3548 it means that autism becomes a bigger problem as you age
@@roadrunner5481 work Will be a big problem, and adult problem
@@devilslayer3548For me, it means the mask is harder to maintain. I’m 40 and just realized I was neurodivergent over the past year, but I’ve always known I was different and somewhat removed from the human experience I observed those around me having. Over the past 5 years I have found myself increasingly saying I have less and less f**ks to give, which was really me trying to say I didn’t have the energy to maintain the mask. I just didn’t have the vocabulary when it really started slipping. I now know that it’s not good to mask anyway and I have been working on that, but my whole life up until recently it didn’t seem like an option not to.
Just in time after visiting my auntie 😭. She just told me stop listening to TH-cam andthat she only believes in science and facts.
what about a TH-cam video with science, facts AND sources! 🤪
Tell her you've read books on it as well and that you fit the criteria. But TH-cam is from people that got diagnosed and you relate to it
Woohoo first 😎🩷
oof, yeah
When Irene means teaching loved ones about Autism, does she mean integrating behaviors they must change? What would that actually look like (since this is a bit vague imo)?
A change of mindset and a change of behaviors that will have them intentionally accommodate autistic folks. Having knowledge of what autism is and how autistic people interact with the world more specifically learning about that specific autistic person and what accommodations they need from others. For example, I as an autistic person need people to tell me about plans they want to make with me ahead of time and give me as much details as they possibly can so I can prep for that event (as most autistic ppl struggle with transitioning from one thing to another), that’s an accommodation and learning about autism and me as an autistic person would help them understand why I need that accommodation and therefore mindfully implement that accommodation in our day to day lives. I hope I managed to answer your question!
Another thing is that sometimes allistic people have some behaviors and/or mindsets hardwired that we autistic people don’t have, don’t benefit from, or even hurts us. For example, indirect communication such as “What are you eating?” and what they’re actually trying to convey is that they would like you to share some of your food with them. Some autistic ppl won’t jump into that conclusion and that can cause distress and frustration between the two parties. If ppl want to accommodate their autistic loved ones, they will have to unlearn behaviors such as that, or at least around autistic ppl, and change it so that when they communicate with autistic ppl it is through direct and detailed communication
@@jarii.2245but you have to think about the other side you can’t always expect people to change because of autism and think they have to change their way of living 100%
@@devilslayer3548 Your lifestyle doesn’t have to change 100%. Autism is a disability and disabled people need to be accommodated accordingly which shouldn’t be a burden and it’s not the responsibility of one individual if not society in general. Besides there are somethings autistic people CAN’T change without hurting themselves in the process whereas allistic people can provide accommodations without it hurting them as they do not have (that) disability. If my loved one has a disability I do not have and can accommodate for them, say they require mobility aid, I will change my lifestyle to accommodate them accordingly and I won’t expect anything in return as I don’t require any accommodation because I’m not physically disabled and I would expect society to care of disabled people the same way (ramps, working elevators, electric doors, etc.)
@@devilslayer3548 This type of argument can be ableist and is also used when it comes to race and LGBTQIA+. People of color and ppl in the LGBTQIA+ community have asked for inclusion (rightfully so) because they’ve been excluded and their rights have been stripped (some rights still are or at a risk in the present day) and people who aren’t part of it will use this type of argument to continue to exclude them whether intentional or not.
It’s funny we live in such a me versus you culture but when you see it as an us and not always in the traditional sense like us isn’t, I won’t go into it too much but it’s more like you’re an organism and I won’t say that’s easy to receive but overtime it helps you chill out