I believe someone said it on your podcast: “why do you need your partner to know all of the things you know?” And that hit me. I would get so upset that I was keeping track of alllll the things and that he wouldn’t know what size diapers our girls were in if his life depended on it. But why does that matter? I take care of that, he takes care of other things. And I fill him in on the things that he does need to know.
So something that helped us throughout the first year of parenthood: - discuss expectations before the baby comes: who is waking up to the baby? Who is cooking? Who is cleaning? Etc. I knew it won’t be 50/50 because of breastfeeding so we decided to split workload as: mom supports the baby and husband supports mom. - for the reason above we slept in separate bedrooms. I co-slept with the baby. And yes one tired parent is better than two. I didn’t have any resentment as he was very emotionally supportive and had a clear mind to help me when I was upset - we did and still do weekly couple reviews with questions like: did you have enough time for yourself? Did you have time for your favorite project? What’s coming up that we need to be prepared for? And 6 more like this. During the couple review we usually discuss the time slots when each of us can have free time.
Biologically we are wired to be with our families all day and take care of ourselves, our kids, and some plants and livestock. Work outside the home is relatively new and we’re not made for it! Families used to work together all week long.
I just ate I think 8 orange cream popsicles watching this after a major hormonal break down where my husband finally got home and took the baby to the park. I am due to give birth any day now and omg the resentment is real as I stay at home with our 17mo who I love! But on days where she's still breastfeeding, my nipples are soooooo done from hormone surges and I'm super lethargic and had to entertain her all day not being able to pick her up really.......all he has to is go to work and "he's tired or having a bad day too" That was all I needed to go off entirely at him. Finally calmed down and he is a great dad and husband and does his best but hormones are real too.....I wish all I did was cry, but I learn towards straight up rage and then cry after and all I need is to be hugged and touched, but we have the toddler and like he wants to touch me after a scream out match. Sigh. Just hoping hormones really do go down after this 2nd baby is out. We also got pregnant and married within 3mo of knowing each other. So this is 2 babies in 2 years while moving across states with no direct family help or support. Totally our choice, but it's a lot so there is a lot of room for grace on both our ends. I'm lucky we are as compatible and willing as we are considering our circumstances!
This is one reason I LOVE following you on all the socials, Shayla. You have consistently done a marvelous job of being real and acknowledging the difficulties of motherhood without dwelling on the negatives. You've given me perspective so often and have been a tremendous help as I've been navigating new motherhood. Thank you so much for your example!
My 9 year old came into my room to confirm it was in fact bed time after dad told him it was bedtime. Because he said I was in charge 😂 dad was offended.
I love this though! The fact that you backed up your husband. I struggle with that sometimes, when it's not obvious. Because my husband is working most of the day, my kids and I have our routines and rituals and occasionally my husband will say no to something I normally would have said yes to and I frequently undermine him. I've been working on agreeing with him in front of our children after he's already made a decision, and then, if it seems necessary, I'll discuss it with him in private for the future. But most often it's silly little things like how much or if they can watch TV, or what kind of snack they can have at that moment.
15:51 omg this is SO true! I feel like the momster comes out when my husband gets home. All the stressors from the day get unloaded. He is my safe person, but it doesn’t give me the right to lash out. With his grace, I’m learning to communicate in a healthier way and be better.
Omg never knew anyone did this!!!! I’m the same way. It’s crazy … she’s totally right it’s like the second they get home we take it out on them that we are tired or stressed 😂
You really just hit thr nail on the head with so many things here. I found myself nodding along and laughing, so thank you. These are some of those unexpected things that happen with parenthood, and why so many relationships fail after babies are born. The toddler activity/craft thing, same, so many tabs open on chrome with them and i just end up sitting there feeling bad that I'm not doing any of them. Goodbye 😂
I believe a lot of young women back then were taught these things but nowadays we are throw into it and we have to teach ourselves. I remember when my first was born I went to TH-cam for encouragement and advice because my expectations on motherhood did not line up with reality. Now almost 9 years later and four kids into motherhood, I can say I have learned a lot but I still have moments where I need to correct my thinking. Thank you for making this video, this is an important topic!
THIS. One huge advantage of the days when being a stay-at-home-mom was the normal vocation of most women at some point in their lives, was that the knowledge of how to do it right was shared around constantly. Wheras now, that's not our culture anymore, so all the knowledge of this stuff is among the women who chose that life, and often chose to have lots of kids. Also, multi-generational households used to be the most common arrangement -- can you imagine how much easier it would be to rant to your mom - who's living with you 24/7 -- about baby problems and your mental health post partum, when she's BEEN through that, instead of your husband, who is tired and doesn't really know how to help??? MAN I wish some things were still the way they used to be.
What really helps a lot against resentment is to communicate time slots for free time. Like: you get an hour on your own, than I get an hour on my own and in the following hours one takes care of the children and one does house chores. It was always so much calmer, when we followed this. Otherwise, what ends up happening is one is starting something and the other is sitting there like - I had my own plans?! And both will be stressed while doing somethjng else, because they always wait for the other to call you to duty. And you hang on easier, if you know in 10 min it's my time.
LOVE THIS! Gracias!!🙌🏽 Also a “shift work wife” and a mom entrepreneur. My kids attend my school so I’m literally with them 24/7…. Definitely need to see the positive! Thank you so much 🥹
Needed this today after a hard morning - so much resentment builds up and comes out in the least attractive ways possible. He let me workout for an hour this morning and when I got back from my brisk walk the 1 year old had a poopy diaper and I was pissed that I had to change it while he was lying around after a really tough day and little sleep yesterday. The parent balance is so confusing. XO from Alaska
Thank you for this video. I didn’t feel I had any validation for what I’m going through daily and felt guilty for my feelings. This is honest and relatable. Thank you for this perspective. It helps give me awareness of how I can be better for my family.❤
Gratitude is what it came down to for us. We talk about it at the end of the day, during dinner, during bedtimes. It's become a huge part of our family, and now that our 3rd is almost 2 its made a world of a difference. Forgetting what we were grateful for (focusing on the positives, what we "get" to do) was killer with our first. You've got it right, mindset is everything.
I think I felt every single thing you mentioned, but what hit home was that “me with a baby” to mom transition. I just had my second baby 7 weeks ago today, and I feel like a completely different person from when I had my first baby 19 months ago. I felt like a girl then, I feel like a woman now.
Something I do to make it more fun when my spouse comes home I take the kids to the front to play with chalk or tag or just look in flower garden while we wait for dad to come home… when he pulls in the driveway we usually hide around the house and he has to find us… when it’s raining we look out the window till he gets home and we hide Like hide and go seek Makes it more fun when he gets home and we’re all excited when he finds us Also when he gets home I usually already have dinner made, the kids usually help make dinner too And that way he can relax and eat together Cooking with toddlers is hard usually I just make him unscrew and re screw seasoning lids Or he’ll cut veggies with his kid friendly starter knives
Thank you, I agree on your thoughts! Some things i do to stay or attempt to return to a positive mindset are; -Lsting 5 good things everyday even if its as simple as "I like the color if my shirt" -Looking at the big picture like wow! I have a family which was my biggest wish/want and i have it! Vs AH the dishes AGAIN?! - Going outside always helps my and the kids mood - Listing good things about my partner in my head when im feeling resentful -Listing good things about myself when im feeling in want - Being greatful for struggles I dont need to carry that others do such as a leaky roof or progressive disease etc - Prayer - Watching stand up comedy on youtube when im really grumpy. Love your videos, keep it up girl! 😊
Thank you! I am first time mom and I have a lot of feelings that I cannot explain where they are coming from. You gave me a lot of new helpful insights that make my life and transition into motherhood a lot easier. ❤️
I needed this mindset refresh so much. Thank you! ❤ Mom of 3 over here, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but as you said, I’m so grateful to be here with them witnessing all of the special moments.
Yes compassionate and graceful. That’s two people consider everyone’s needs. This woman just solve all marriage conflicts. Keep leaning into each other and finding a system works for you and the husband, or you and the wife. Great video !!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Right on! I felt all the same ways until just recently. I really think the PD played a huge roll in that. My girl just turned 3 and I am finally feeling all the happy feels that I imagined I would feel after having a baby. Hate that it took this long, 😩😭 but glad to finally be here! So sad we can’t be real life friends, you seem like such a fun mom, but thanks for the videos! 🤗
It is such a sneaky thing. I like how you mentioned our brains working differently by design. Such a good reminder. I love this topic ❤ keep up the good work.
15:51 very relatable! I wonder if our mind believes “if I don’t get really upset about this and complain to my husband, he won’t recognize how hard it is. If I respond really well to all these situations, it’ll seem like it’s easy and I won’t be recognized for the hard work that I’m doing.”
This was really great thank you. Mindset is pretty much everything. I know for me I have to get out of the house, even if it’s just to the Dollar Store lol 😂 for my mental health with a 1 and 2 year old and pregnant with 3rd. That a getting outside for a few minutes even when I just want to lay around… does help. I keep telling myself I’m grateful for my life. I’m grateful for my husband who takes care of us. For healthy kids. A healthy pregnancy so far. Gratitude takes practice but makes a difference
I really needed this video. Some great psychology behind it and understanding of your partner. I had a lot of postpartum anxiety with my first over 3 years ago& never focused on the positives of what my husband was doing for us, especially the first 4 months. I'm more aware now of my attitude & feelings with hopefully not including resentment this time around with baby #2 on the way. I can't wait to read the comments on other suggestions. Thanks for your mindfulness and tips & tricks ❤
6:36 Before kids I was so career focused! After I had my daughter, it took so much effort to care about work. lol That’s when I knew I needed to be at home with my baby. 💙
Oh, I needed this so much! Thank you for making this video! It helped me to reframe some of my thoughts around motherhood and being a stay at home momma. Love you and your ways of seeking the positive side of things, even when it's super challenging! ❤
Have been loving the videos for a while. I am 31 weeks pregnant with baby 2 so right there with you on this baby! Just hit that 3rd trimester slow down.
THANK YOU SHAYLA! This video is perfect timing for this season of life! It is literally SO relatable. Something about listening to someone else put it into words though, and then give the perspective flip- massive game changer, so thank you!
8:12 I always say the same thing! Yes, it’s HARDDDD being a stay at home parent…. but, I get to witness all the little moments. I know when she is referencing something from a book we’ve read or something funny her Nana said. I know her favorite toys & when she is feeling down because she thinks she “messed up”. I get to show her why mistakes are ok. That’s the magic sauce of motherhood (parenthood). 🥰
So relatable 😂 I have to work on my attitude & mindset too, esp for greeting/interacting with him when my mood is crap, & not focusing on that unwashed pan lol I’ve hurt his feelings a few times. It’s nice to have that different brain perspective, & to figure out what works for your family life.
Ugh this is so good the pan thing is literally what gets to me too!!! The exact same argument 😅 thank you for your honestly and the reminder to take a step back and look at the whole house instead of just the pan 😂
Best video!!! Made me feel so much better!! It’s so hard as a stay at home mom ❤ you shed so much light on it and you really are SOOOO relatable. Maybe you can make a video about how to deal with people who always have something to say for example having something to say about still nursing a 1 1/2 yr old. I’d love some tips on that!
The cdc actually recommends 2 years now! Ugh ppl are so annoying. As long as you not YOUR “why” it’s easier to shrug it off. I just tell ppl I’m hoping we’re still not when they leave for college
Ugh struggling so hard with this! I’m 23 weeks pregnant and work 3 days a week whilst trying to look after our 1 year old / cooking and doing all house chores. I have childcare one day a week. My husband who isn’t currently working has a lie in every morning and looks after our daughter maybe 1-2 hours a day and then he goes to the gym / out with friends. It is exhausting! I’m trying to get better at asking for help but it isn’t in my nature to do so. He is able to nap and relax whenever he likes whilst I’m just about surviving. It is so tough with limited support 😢
I think this video is not for you... It's about learning not to resent your husband when he does his best, your partner however doesn't seem to do his best, not even his minimum... I don't want it to sound judgy, i'm really not, i just want you to know that his behaviour is not ok, and you are entitled to be resentful, and angry ! I can't tell you what to do, only you know, but just one thing : try rephrasing to yourself what you need from him. You don't "ask for help" when it comes to your partner and the father of your child, you share the load. You're not asking for a service, you're asking for him to do his part. You need to be sure of that, in order to stand your ground. I really wish you the best !
Girl! That’s crazy! If he’s not working- there is absolutely no reason for you to be doing all of the housework and childcare. Men are different, and are not as intuitive to stepping up and helping in the same ways as women do. I feel like my girlfriends are more likely to know how to help clean up my house at the end of the day over my husband and he lives here lol. Some might better about it, but I think men in general need guidance and practice when it comes to running a household that really helps relieve pressure from their wives. It takes work but id start now! Dont let him treat you like his sugar momma, and his real mom! You aren’t his mom, you’re his wife. You don’t need to do everything for him.
It isn’t help….It’s his own responsibilities that you are undertaking. Asking for “help” indicates it’s your responsibility. I’d put my foot down and start raising my expectations!
My man would so appreciate this video Shayla! lol we are having our first baby in August and he’s been taking classes with me and watching videos with me and always asks me…so what about the dad? lol it’s like our little joke now because everyone always focuses on mama but dad’s life is adjusting just as much!🌸✨💕
One of your best videos ❤ I love the "you have kids your life changes a lot *yawnnnnn*" 😂 A good book is "To Have and To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma" by Molly Millwood
I love my son and i would not want to work fulltime and leave him, but there are aspects of motherhood i dont enjoy. I try so hard to enjoy at least most of it, but i find myself so often overwhelmed and in a cycle of guilt for never spending enough time doing stuff and just wanting time to myself. My husband works so much that i never get time to myself and even when he has a day off, i still cant even take a shower alone because my son gets upset when he isnt with me and then my husband takes him to see me. We do want another, but right now i still feel like im not ready, but i need to get ready. I just dont know how to emotionally be ready in time for the deadline i set. I really thought i would feel differently, and i dont know how to reconcile my expectations with reality.
THANK YOU ! SO NEEDED TO HEAR THIS ATM 🩷 My son is 20 months and I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my second, baby girl this time - Sooo excited but at the same time a bit anxious and definitelyworking on myself to have a better motherhood experience altogether this time round and be mindful of all the things you've mentioned. I can relate 100% with your stories/ experience with kids but also relationship and you calm me down, give me the reassurance I need (I've got this! We've got this!) THank you... will be following your journey whilst experiencing my own! You're amazing and such an inspiration xxx
I have a 3yo and a 10 month. Me and my partner do Wednesday drinks after bedtime with no distraction and just talk and tune into the other person. Weekly sync so to speak.
I actually resent my husband and I'm 39 weeks pregnant with our first baby. He finished his masters in February and was unemployed until a week ago but during that time i was working 12+ hour days as a nanny to young children since the beginning of pregnancy just so I could help support us i also did chores when i came home, and now that he goes to work im about to burst any day but he can't take paternity leave because its a new job, and he can't even stay for my recovery at the hospital, yet he blabbers about how he loves his new job and new colleagues and wants to join after work activities and here i am nervously waiting and anxious about what birth is like. Oh did I mention his friend is to visit on my due date and will be gone with him all weekend and i also im an American living in his home country Switzerland i have no family near nor do I speak the language he is clueless as to why i am resentful but i don't want to tell him i want him to understand because it seems so obvious why anyone would be!
Lol, something funky is happening in my family. I did not wake up to baby sounds at all. My (male) partner was disturbed by every little noise. Great for me tbh.
I'm sorry, were you in my head the past couple days ? I really needed that video. I'm incredibly lucky, i have everything i could hope for, my amazing 10 month old baby, the most amazing and kind husband, i get to stay home with my son, my husband does everything he can for me to not feel overwhelmed, and yet, i resent him, everyday. Because his life hasn't changed, and is even a lot easier than what it was : not only does he have his dream job, but everything there is to do at home is taken care by me. It's like he was delivered a kid to play with, and the whole life altering thing is only for me. I don't recognize my body, i don't recognize my mind, my life has changed completely. His ? Easier than before. But in the same time, he's perfect, so there's nothing to blame him for ! I guess I'm mad a nature. Yep, not easy to not resent your partner.
What perfect timing! I was trying to listen to your Hey Shayla podcast episode about this topic but can not get it to load on Apple Podcasts, so I'm glad I can hear a little from you about this topic here. Also, is that episode taken down? Would love to hear it in it's entirety too. Thanks!
Thank you!! So true... What book are you reading? On rewiring your mindset? I really liked the idea of soaking in the happy moments you mentioned on 12:10!
I have to take this opportunity to make sure people are aware that we are operating in systems our brains aren’t built for. Moms aren’t meant to caring for babies alone all day. Dads don’t have the instincts to be as involved as moms need them to be, particularly in the first year. So both are pushed past their abilities. Both are right in feeling overwhelmed. Here’s another consideration. I often hear “ask for help”. But moms also need loving support. I can ask a stranger to hold my baby for a moment. Most decent people would say yes. That’s not what moms need. Moms need someone who can step in and say “I see you, I’ll do the dishes, I’ll burp the baby, I love you and I support you”. Moms look to dads for this and they don’t have the instinct for it. But we’re separated from the other women in our lives. How do we fix it? I think a culture shift. But I’m trying to raise awareness of this because not enough people understand WHY parenthood is hard. We are making it hard! Kids are easier when they can play with eachother, particularly across ages. Parents are happier when they are with family and friends and can help one another. Best wishes to all the struggling moms and dads trying to navigate in a system we aren’t built for ❤️
Hey, I just want to say “hi” to all the mamas whose husbands are completely checked out. Not “partners”. Not “a team”. So many videos and books are all about the way it SHOULD be. Look. It’s never going to be that way for a LOT of us. I have been a full time, “stay-at-home”, homeschooling, breastfeeding, home birthing, mother of seven for 23 years. So what do I know. But I do know this, my strength, and joy, just absolutely cannot wait for a “co-parent” or husband who will be an active participant in this family. I could’ve chosen divorce, but didn’t. Yes, resentment continues to be a temptation. I think I might always wish that I had married a man who cared about being a good father and husband. But I didn’t. So what am I going to do? Cry about it forever? Leave? Or accept that he is what he is, and do the best I can. In my case, the latter is my wisest choice. My point is that there is such a thing as joy and contentment even for mothers who are financially trapped in unloving marriages. Life really is not a Disney movie. Imagine if all of our great grandmothers had gotten divorced as soon as the honeymoon was over. 1/2 of our population would never have been born! People need to learn to find their strength and joy and contentment in the Lord, instead of in their spouse.
I should have also added above, that resentment (no matter how justly deserved) really hurts the one carrying it much more than the one who might deserve it. In some marriages, the issue might be about forgiveness and grace, and in others it might be about boundaries and consequences. But no matter what, anger, bitterness and resentment do harm.
Wooooof. FTM with a 9 month old. Also a SAHM who is still breastfeeding and co sleeping. I get so jealous that he gets to poop alone when he comes home. Gets to go to the gym easily every other day. Gets to go to work and speak to adults. I am so immensely grateful at the same time. I wouldn’t want anyone else to care for our daughter. But it is hard. He sleeps through the night and I’m up with her at night whenever that’s happening. He has a physical job with long hours so I don’t want him up at night for his safety. I get jealous that I am the one that puts her to sleep because she nurses to sleep and doesn’t want dad. So he gets to watch a show or play his video game while I’m doing that. I don’t get any time off. Like at all. It’s hard.
I relate to allllllll of this, all of it. It’s sooo hard, for us a lot changed when we had our second. But I had to focus on my relationship with my baby instead of how his life didn’t change for my own happiness. Sending you so much love. It’s tough and hard not to resent.
Having wild hormonal swings while pregnant and/or postpartum that lead to jealous or negative thoughts is totally normal. But not being mindful of those feelings/thoughts and controlling them is immaturity. That’s why children don’t have babies. It’s for adults, so best all of us women be proper mature adults before we become mothers.
How did you work on your energy around Seth? Like how you mentioned even though you love your life sometimes you’re short with him “what are we gonna do for dinner” when he gets home instead of a hug & kiss. I feeeeeel that
I literally had to decide what I wanted my energy to be like when he walked through the door. I WANT him to want to come home. I WANT him to feel comfortable (and welcome 🥴) in the house. So it started with pausing whatever I’m doing for literally one min just to greet him when he came home. This tiny thing shifted my energy and his. It put my chaos on hold and in perspective. But I had to decide who I wanted to be, like what kind of wife and mom. But if it was an insane day, I’d figure out what I needed, and ask kindly and directly “he boo it’s been a doozy it would be super helpful if you did bath time.” Or “once you’re settled can I just have 20 min to sit down or go on a walk before dinner” or “do you think we can do a family walk after dinner” etc It’s haaaaaard. And honestly sometimes I can’t do it and he walks into a cold shoulder for no action of his own just me being in my head even when I try to prep myself on his way home. And sometimes I’ll call that out too “I’m grumpy and I’m trying to shake it. You haven’t done anything I’m just a little overwhelmed, I just need a min to reset”
Quick question... What does your husband do? This can play a significant role in how a marital relationship is balanced and managed. I am married to a musician so our schedule is so not "normal" and many of the tips don't work for us. We are making life work the best we can but it can be difficult when the spouse cannot help at all with bedtime or early morning due to working hours. I now military families have it much worse but I am curious what your hubby does since it seems like he might be around a lot more than the average spouse.
Not at all actually 😅 he works shift work and gets home late or in the middle of the night and has to “sleep in” until mid morning or mid day to get his 6-8 hrs of sleep. He just switched to days, but works 11 hr shifts so with commute time he’s gone allll day. It’s a struggle and we work at it everyday. But for sure it’s harder and there are so many factors, if the other partner works, if the kids are in any childcare, how much support is around, the kids temperament etc. comparison will rob us of happiness, it’s hard for everyone in different ways
That's refreshing to hear honestly since it's a lot more relatable 😂 especially for us. My husband will be gone for a week or two at a time and then for a few days here and there and there is bo routine really. We have a very active little boy and zero help so it is an adventure in parenting and marriage but I appreciate the message of checking resentments before they build. So vital ❤
Moms work is for 18-20 years. Dads work is forever even if moms never go back to work our husbands will still be working their whole lives to provide for us and the kids. When I think about this it’s makes me grateful for my husband and I know I don’t HAVE to go back to work when I’m done raising kids because he will still be providing even after the kids leave home ❤
I believe someone said it on your podcast: “why do you need your partner to know all of the things you know?” And that hit me. I would get so upset that I was keeping track of alllll the things and that he wouldn’t know what size diapers our girls were in if his life depended on it. But why does that matter? I take care of that, he takes care of other things. And I fill him in on the things that he does need to know.
Yes!!!!!!
So something that helped us throughout the first year of parenthood:
- discuss expectations before the baby comes: who is waking up to the baby? Who is cooking? Who is cleaning? Etc.
I knew it won’t be 50/50 because of breastfeeding so we decided to split workload as: mom supports the baby and husband supports mom.
- for the reason above we slept in separate bedrooms. I co-slept with the baby. And yes one tired parent is better than two. I didn’t have any resentment as he was very emotionally supportive and had a clear mind to help me when I was upset
- we did and still do weekly couple reviews with questions like: did you have enough time for yourself? Did you have time for your favorite project? What’s coming up that we need to be prepared for? And 6 more like this. During the couple review we usually discuss the time slots when each of us can have free time.
Maturity is key! This is a very mature approach!
Biologically we are wired to be with our families all day and take care of ourselves, our kids, and some plants and livestock. Work outside the home is relatively new and we’re not made for it! Families used to work together all week long.
I just ate I think 8 orange cream popsicles watching this after a major hormonal break down where my husband finally got home and took the baby to the park. I am due to give birth any day now and omg the resentment is real as I stay at home with our 17mo who I love! But on days where she's still breastfeeding, my nipples are soooooo done from hormone surges and I'm super lethargic and had to entertain her all day not being able to pick her up really.......all he has to is go to work and "he's tired or having a bad day too" That was all I needed to go off entirely at him. Finally calmed down and he is a great dad and husband and does his best but hormones are real too.....I wish all I did was cry, but I learn towards straight up rage and then cry after and all I need is to be hugged and touched, but we have the toddler and like he wants to touch me after a scream out match. Sigh. Just hoping hormones really do go down after this 2nd baby is out.
We also got pregnant and married within 3mo of knowing each other. So this is 2 babies in 2 years while moving across states with no direct family help or support. Totally our choice, but it's a lot so there is a lot of room for grace on both our ends. I'm lucky we are as compatible and willing as we are considering our circumstances!
This is one reason I LOVE following you on all the socials, Shayla. You have consistently done a marvelous job of being real and acknowledging the difficulties of motherhood without dwelling on the negatives. You've given me perspective so often and have been a tremendous help as I've been navigating new motherhood. Thank you so much for your example!
🥹🥹🫶🫶 you’re crushing it I’m sure ❤️
Comparison is the thief of joy. If you do what works for your family then it doesn’t matter what other people are doing.
❤ 💯 🔥
My 9 year old came into my room to confirm it was in fact bed time after dad told him it was bedtime. Because he said I was in charge 😂 dad was offended.
Hahahaha
I love this though! The fact that you backed up your husband. I struggle with that sometimes, when it's not obvious. Because my husband is working most of the day, my kids and I have our routines and rituals and occasionally my husband will say no to something I normally would have said yes to and I frequently undermine him. I've been working on agreeing with him in front of our children after he's already made a decision, and then, if it seems necessary, I'll discuss it with him in private for the future. But most often it's silly little things like how much or if they can watch TV, or what kind of snack they can have at that moment.
15:51 omg this is SO true! I feel like the momster comes out when my husband gets home. All the stressors from the day get unloaded. He is my safe person, but it doesn’t give me the right to lash out. With his grace, I’m learning to communicate in a healthier way and be better.
Omg never knew anyone did this!!!! I’m the same way. It’s crazy … she’s totally right it’s like the second they get home we take it out on them that we are tired or stressed 😂
You really just hit thr nail on the head with so many things here. I found myself nodding along and laughing, so thank you. These are some of those unexpected things that happen with parenthood, and why so many relationships fail after babies are born. The toddler activity/craft thing, same, so many tabs open on chrome with them and i just end up sitting there feeling bad that I'm not doing any of them. Goodbye 😂
I believe a lot of young women back then were taught these things but nowadays we are throw into it and we have to teach ourselves. I remember when my first was born I went to TH-cam for encouragement and advice because my expectations on motherhood did not line up with reality. Now almost 9 years later and four kids into motherhood, I can say I have learned a lot but I still have moments where I need to correct my thinking. Thank you for making this video, this is an important topic!
THIS. One huge advantage of the days when being a stay-at-home-mom was the normal vocation of most women at some point in their lives, was that the knowledge of how to do it right was shared around constantly. Wheras now, that's not our culture anymore, so all the knowledge of this stuff is among the women who chose that life, and often chose to have lots of kids.
Also, multi-generational households used to be the most common arrangement -- can you imagine how much easier it would be to rant to your mom - who's living with you 24/7 -- about baby problems and your mental health post partum, when she's BEEN through that, instead of your husband, who is tired and doesn't really know how to help???
MAN I wish some things were still the way they used to be.
What really helps a lot against resentment is to communicate time slots for free time. Like: you get an hour on your own, than I get an hour on my own and in the following hours one takes care of the children and one does house chores. It was always so much calmer, when we followed this.
Otherwise, what ends up happening is one is starting something and the other is sitting there like - I had my own plans?! And both will be stressed while doing somethjng else, because they always wait for the other to call you to duty. And you hang on easier, if you know in 10 min it's my time.
Yeeeeees!!!!!!!
LOVE THIS! Gracias!!🙌🏽
Also a “shift work wife” and a mom entrepreneur. My kids attend my school so I’m literally with them 24/7…. Definitely need to see the positive! Thank you so much 🥹
Needed this today after a hard morning - so much resentment builds up and comes out in the least attractive ways possible. He let me workout for an hour this morning and when I got back from my brisk walk the 1 year old had a poopy diaper and I was pissed that I had to change it while he was lying around after a really tough day and little sleep yesterday. The parent balance is so confusing. XO from Alaska
Thank you for this video. I didn’t feel I had any validation for what I’m going through daily and felt guilty for my feelings. This is honest and relatable. Thank you for this perspective. It helps give me awareness of how I can be better for my family.❤
Gratitude is what it came down to for us. We talk about it at the end of the day, during dinner, during bedtimes. It's become a huge part of our family, and now that our 3rd is almost 2 its made a world of a difference. Forgetting what we were grateful for (focusing on the positives, what we "get" to do) was killer with our first. You've got it right, mindset is everything.
I think I felt every single thing you mentioned, but what hit home was that “me with a baby” to mom transition. I just had my second baby 7 weeks ago today, and I feel like a completely different person from when I had my first baby 19 months ago. I felt like a girl then, I feel like a woman now.
Something I do to make it more fun when my spouse comes home
I take the kids to the front to play with chalk or tag or just look in flower garden while we wait for dad to come home… when he pulls in the driveway we usually hide around the house and he has to find us… when it’s raining we look out the window till he gets home and we hide
Like hide and go seek
Makes it more fun when he gets home and we’re all excited when he finds us
Also when he gets home I usually already have dinner made, the kids usually help make dinner too
And that way he can relax and eat together
Cooking with toddlers is hard usually I just make him unscrew and re screw seasoning lids
Or he’ll cut veggies with his kid friendly starter knives
Thank you, I agree on your thoughts! Some things i do to stay or attempt to return to a positive mindset are;
-Lsting 5 good things everyday even if its as simple as "I like the color if my shirt"
-Looking at the big picture like wow! I have a family which was my biggest wish/want and i have it! Vs AH the dishes AGAIN?!
- Going outside always helps my and the kids mood
- Listing good things about my partner in my head when im feeling resentful
-Listing good things about myself when im feeling in want
- Being greatful for struggles I dont need to carry that others do such as a leaky roof or progressive disease etc
- Prayer
- Watching stand up comedy on youtube when im really grumpy.
Love your videos, keep it up girl! 😊
Thank you! I am first time mom and I have a lot of feelings that I cannot explain where they are coming from. You gave me a lot of new helpful insights that make my life and transition into motherhood a lot easier. ❤️
I needed this mindset refresh so much. Thank you! ❤ Mom of 3 over here, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but as you said, I’m so grateful to be here with them witnessing all of the special moments.
Yes compassionate and graceful. That’s two people consider everyone’s needs. This woman just solve all marriage conflicts. Keep leaning into each other and finding a system works for you and the husband, or you and the wife. Great video !!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Right on! I felt all the same ways until just recently. I really think the PD played a huge roll in that. My girl just turned 3 and I am finally feeling all the happy feels that I imagined I would feel after having a baby. Hate that it took this long, 😩😭 but glad to finally be here! So sad we can’t be real life friends, you seem like such a fun mom, but thanks for the videos! 🤗
I read a book called the empowered wife and it saved my marriage the first year of motherhood ❤
It is such a sneaky thing. I like how you mentioned our brains working differently by design. Such a good reminder. I love this topic ❤ keep up the good work.
I LOVE that you’re shifting to more positive mindset content!! It is SO IMPORTANT and I am eating it up!! You’re awesome!
15:51 very relatable! I wonder if our mind believes “if I don’t get really upset about this and complain to my husband, he won’t recognize how hard it is. If I respond really well to all these situations, it’ll seem like it’s easy and I won’t be recognized for the hard work that I’m doing.”
I can relate to this. 🙋♀️
This was really great thank you. Mindset is pretty much everything. I know for me I have to get out of the house, even if it’s just to the Dollar Store lol 😂 for my mental health with a 1 and 2 year old and pregnant with 3rd. That a getting outside for a few minutes even when I just want to lay around… does help.
I keep telling myself I’m grateful for my life. I’m grateful for my husband who takes care of us. For healthy kids. A healthy pregnancy so far. Gratitude takes practice but makes a difference
I could write an essay on how much resentment I have. I think the worst part is that I have the "easier" job in the household 🤬
I really needed this video. Some great psychology behind it and understanding of your partner. I had a lot of postpartum anxiety with my first over 3 years ago& never focused on the positives of what my husband was doing for us, especially the first 4 months. I'm more aware now of my attitude & feelings with hopefully not including resentment this time around with baby #2 on the way. I can't wait to read the comments on other suggestions. Thanks for your mindfulness and tips & tricks ❤
6:36 Before kids I was so career focused! After I had my daughter, it took so much effort to care about work. lol That’s when I knew I needed to be at home with my baby. 💙
Oh, I needed this so much! Thank you for making this video! It helped me to reframe some of my thoughts around motherhood and being a stay at home momma. Love you and your ways of seeking the positive side of things, even when it's super challenging! ❤
Have been loving the videos for a while. I am 31 weeks pregnant with baby 2 so right there with you on this baby! Just hit that 3rd trimester slow down.
THANK YOU SHAYLA! This video is perfect timing for this season of life! It is literally SO relatable. Something about listening to someone else put it into words though, and then give the perspective flip- massive game changer, so thank you!
8:12 I always say the same thing! Yes, it’s HARDDDD being a stay at home parent…. but, I get to witness all the little moments. I know when she is referencing something from a book we’ve read or something funny her Nana said. I know her favorite toys & when she is feeling down because she thinks she “messed up”. I get to show her why mistakes are ok. That’s the magic sauce of motherhood (parenthood). 🥰
🙌🙌🙌
I’m currently six months postpartum. This video was everything, thank you! 🙏🏻
Sharing this with all my mom friends tysm!!
This was really powerful, thank you. From 6min 30ish I was thus what I needed. I might need to listen to this on repeat...
So relatable 😂 I have to work on my attitude & mindset too, esp for greeting/interacting with him when my mood is crap, & not focusing on that unwashed pan lol I’ve hurt his feelings a few times. It’s nice to have that different brain perspective, & to figure out what works for your family life.
Ugh this is so good the pan thing is literally what gets to me too!!! The exact same argument 😅 thank you for your honestly and the reminder to take a step back and look at the whole house instead of just the pan 😂
So good! Needed this years ago! ❤
I needed this video so bad! Thank you for normalizing this! ❤
You’re just the best… Thanks for putting in words what we all feel and experience… 🤗💕
I needed this right now. Your last couple videos about mindset have been so helpful. Thanks for sharing
Best video!!! Made me feel so much better!! It’s so hard as a stay at home mom ❤ you shed so much light on it and you really are SOOOO relatable. Maybe you can make a video about how to deal with people who always have something to say for example having something to say about still nursing a 1 1/2 yr old. I’d love some tips on that!
The cdc actually recommends 2 years now!
Ugh ppl are so annoying. As long as you not YOUR “why” it’s easier to shrug it off. I just tell ppl I’m hoping we’re still not when they leave for college
This was awesome. Thank you Shayla! ❤
This is THE manual for parents! Thank you! ❤
Ugh struggling so hard with this! I’m 23 weeks pregnant and work 3 days a week whilst trying to look after our 1 year old / cooking and doing all house chores. I have childcare one day a week. My husband who isn’t currently working has a lie in every morning and looks after our daughter maybe 1-2 hours a day and then he goes to the gym / out with friends. It is exhausting! I’m trying to get better at asking for help but it isn’t in my nature to do so. He is able to nap and relax whenever he likes whilst I’m just about surviving. It is so tough with limited support 😢
This situation makes no sense. He isn't working but doesn't do house work?
I would kindly ask him to do so and quickly. That would obviously make you resentful.
I think this video is not for you... It's about learning not to resent your husband when he does his best, your partner however doesn't seem to do his best, not even his minimum... I don't want it to sound judgy, i'm really not, i just want you to know that his behaviour is not ok, and you are entitled to be resentful, and angry !
I can't tell you what to do, only you know, but just one thing : try rephrasing to yourself what you need from him. You don't "ask for help" when it comes to your partner and the father of your child, you share the load. You're not asking for a service, you're asking for him to do his part. You need to be sure of that, in order to stand your ground. I really wish you the best !
Girl! That’s crazy! If he’s not working- there is absolutely no reason for you to be doing all of the housework and childcare. Men are different, and are not as intuitive to stepping up and helping in the same ways as women do. I feel like my girlfriends are more likely to know how to help clean up my house at the end of the day over my husband and he lives here lol. Some might better about it, but I think men in general need guidance and practice when it comes to running a household that really helps relieve pressure from their wives. It takes work but id start now! Dont let him treat you like his sugar momma, and his real mom! You aren’t his mom, you’re his wife. You don’t need to do everything for him.
It isn’t help….It’s his own responsibilities that you are undertaking. Asking for “help” indicates it’s your responsibility. I’d put my foot down and start raising my expectations!
Same same same. I can relate to everything, thank you for being you 🙏🏼
My man would so appreciate this video Shayla! lol we are having our first baby in August and he’s been taking classes with me and watching videos with me and always asks me…so what about the dad? lol it’s like our little joke now because everyone always focuses on mama but dad’s life is adjusting just as much!🌸✨💕
Love this video! Thank you for the partner/parent talk. I needed it
One of your best videos ❤
I love the "you have kids your life changes a lot *yawnnnnn*" 😂
A good book is "To Have and To Hold: Motherhood, Marriage, and the Modern Dilemma" by Molly Millwood
Adding it to the list thank you!!!
Haha this was a kick in the arse that I needed! Thank you!
I love my son and i would not want to work fulltime and leave him, but there are aspects of motherhood i dont enjoy. I try so hard to enjoy at least most of it, but i find myself so often overwhelmed and in a cycle of guilt for never spending enough time doing stuff and just wanting time to myself. My husband works so much that i never get time to myself and even when he has a day off, i still cant even take a shower alone because my son gets upset when he isnt with me and then my husband takes him to see me. We do want another, but right now i still feel like im not ready, but i need to get ready. I just dont know how to emotionally be ready in time for the deadline i set. I really thought i would feel differently, and i dont know how to reconcile my expectations with reality.
THANK YOU ! SO NEEDED TO HEAR THIS ATM 🩷 My son is 20 months and I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my second, baby girl this time - Sooo excited but at the same time a bit anxious and definitelyworking on myself to have a better motherhood experience altogether this time round and be mindful of all the things you've mentioned. I can relate 100% with your stories/ experience with kids but also relationship and you calm me down, give me the reassurance I need (I've got this! We've got this!) THank you... will be following your journey whilst experiencing my own! You're amazing and such an inspiration xxx
Loving the motherhood mindset content! Would love to see more of this ❤
SO good Shayla!! Thank you for this ❤️
Super looking forward to the mindset e book Shay!
I have a 3yo and a 10 month. Me and my partner do Wednesday drinks after bedtime with no distraction and just talk and tune into the other person. Weekly sync so to speak.
I recommend looking into Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It’s revolutionary and exactly what modern day society and families need now.
Oh man. I couldn’t get through it! I felt like it was keeping score 😅 and giving dads a bad rap
How to not resent your husband after kids was a great read for understanding the different perspectives
This is sooo helpful. Love the mindset content. Thank you!
Most helpful parenting channel. 🙏
I actually resent my husband and I'm 39 weeks pregnant with our first baby. He finished his masters in February and was unemployed until a week ago but during that time i was working 12+ hour days as a nanny to young children since the beginning of pregnancy just so I could help support us i also did chores when i came home, and now that he goes to work im about to burst any day but he can't take paternity leave because its a new job, and he can't even stay for my recovery at the hospital, yet he blabbers about how he loves his new job and new colleagues and wants to join after work activities and here i am nervously waiting and anxious about what birth is like. Oh did I mention his friend is to visit on my due date and will be gone with him all weekend and i also im an American living in his home country Switzerland i have no family near nor do I speak the language he is clueless as to why i am resentful but i don't want to tell him i want him to understand because it seems so obvious why anyone would be!
Wow my fiance never woke up from the day my son was born, and the work thing for sure too like “lucky you” haha
Lol, something funky is happening in my family. I did not wake up to baby sounds at all. My (male) partner was disturbed by every little noise. Great for me tbh.
😂👏👏
This is such a great topic!
I needed this ❤
I'm sorry, were you in my head the past couple days ? I really needed that video. I'm incredibly lucky, i have everything i could hope for, my amazing 10 month old baby, the most amazing and kind husband, i get to stay home with my son, my husband does everything he can for me to not feel overwhelmed, and yet, i resent him, everyday. Because his life hasn't changed, and is even a lot easier than what it was : not only does he have his dream job, but everything there is to do at home is taken care by me. It's like he was delivered a kid to play with, and the whole life altering thing is only for me. I don't recognize my body, i don't recognize my mind, my life has changed completely. His ? Easier than before. But in the same time, he's perfect, so there's nothing to blame him for ! I guess I'm mad a nature. Yep, not easy to not resent your partner.
This. Is. Spot. On.
It’s the “I don’t recognize my mind” that I felt 🫥🫶🏻
Great video! Thank you! ❤
What perfect timing! I was trying to listen to your Hey Shayla podcast episode about this topic but can not get it to load on Apple Podcasts, so I'm glad I can hear a little from you about this topic here. Also, is that episode taken down? Would love to hear it in it's entirety too. Thanks!
heyshayla.buzzsprout.com/1819031/10155569-024-partner-resentment-and-shifting-your-mindset-by-doing-the-hard-work
Here she is!!!
Thank you!! So true... What book are you reading? On rewiring your mindset? I really liked the idea of soaking in the happy moments you mentioned on 12:10!
Hardwiring happiness!
I have to take this opportunity to make sure people are aware that we are operating in systems our brains aren’t built for.
Moms aren’t meant to caring for babies alone all day. Dads don’t have the instincts to be as involved as moms need them to be, particularly in the first year.
So both are pushed past their abilities. Both are right in feeling overwhelmed.
Here’s another consideration. I often hear “ask for help”. But moms also need loving support. I can ask a stranger to hold my baby for a moment. Most decent people would say yes. That’s not what moms need. Moms need someone who can step in and say “I see you, I’ll do the dishes, I’ll burp the baby, I love you and I support you”. Moms look to dads for this and they don’t have the instinct for it. But we’re separated from the other women in our lives.
How do we fix it? I think a culture shift. But I’m trying to raise awareness of this because not enough people understand WHY parenthood is hard. We are making it hard!
Kids are easier when they can play with eachother, particularly across ages. Parents are happier when they are with family and friends and can help one another.
Best wishes to all the struggling moms and dads trying to navigate in a system we aren’t built for ❤️
Amen to this. But how do we make the change?
Hey, I just want to say “hi” to all the mamas whose husbands are completely checked out. Not “partners”. Not “a team”.
So many videos and books are all about the way it SHOULD be. Look. It’s never going to be that way for a LOT of us.
I have been a full time, “stay-at-home”, homeschooling, breastfeeding, home birthing, mother of seven for 23 years. So what do I know.
But I do know this, my strength, and joy, just absolutely cannot wait for a “co-parent” or husband who will be an active participant in this family.
I could’ve chosen divorce, but didn’t. Yes, resentment continues to be a temptation. I think I might always wish that I had married a man who cared about being a good father and husband. But I didn’t.
So what am I going to do? Cry about it forever? Leave?
Or accept that he is what he is, and do the best I can.
In my case, the latter is my wisest choice.
My point is that there is such a thing as joy and contentment even for mothers who are financially trapped in unloving marriages.
Life really is not a Disney movie. Imagine if all of our great grandmothers had gotten divorced as soon as the honeymoon was over. 1/2 of our population would never have been born!
People need to learn to find their strength and joy and contentment in the Lord, instead of in their spouse.
Sending you love and loving your wisdom ❤️ thank you for this
@@heyshayla You are very welcome! The sisterhood of mothers NEEDS to hear each other. We all have things to teach, and things to learn. ❤️
I should have also added above, that resentment (no matter how justly deserved) really hurts the one carrying it much more than the one who might deserve it.
In some marriages, the issue might be about forgiveness and grace, and in others it might be about boundaries and consequences. But no matter what, anger, bitterness and resentment do harm.
Thanks for sharing.
I am also grumpy when my husband gets home. I think this is somewhat common? I'm not sure. Anyone have advice for this?
I think I need to get "I get to" tattooed on my forehead
Wooooof. FTM with a 9 month old. Also a SAHM who is still breastfeeding and co sleeping. I get so jealous that he gets to poop alone when he comes home. Gets to go to the gym easily every other day. Gets to go to work and speak to adults. I am so immensely grateful at the same time. I wouldn’t want anyone else to care for our daughter. But it is hard. He sleeps through the night and I’m up with her at night whenever that’s happening. He has a physical job with long hours so I don’t want him up at night for his safety. I get jealous that I am the one that puts her to sleep because she nurses to sleep and doesn’t want dad. So he gets to watch a show or play his video game while I’m doing that. I don’t get any time off. Like at all. It’s hard.
I relate to allllllll of this, all of it.
It’s sooo hard, for us a lot changed when we had our second. But I had to focus on my relationship with my baby instead of how his life didn’t change for my own happiness.
Sending you so much love. It’s tough and hard not to resent.
@@heyshayla that’s a great point
Having wild hormonal swings while pregnant and/or postpartum that lead to jealous or negative thoughts is totally normal. But not being mindful of those feelings/thoughts and controlling them is immaturity. That’s why children don’t have babies. It’s for adults, so best all of us women be proper mature adults before we become mothers.
What is the book you mentioned for wiring your brain for happiness?
Hardwiring happiness!!
How did you work on your energy around Seth? Like how you mentioned even though you love your life sometimes you’re short with him “what are we gonna do for dinner” when he gets home instead of a hug & kiss. I feeeeeel that
I literally had to decide what I wanted my energy to be like when he walked through the door.
I WANT him to want to come home. I WANT him to feel comfortable (and welcome 🥴) in the house.
So it started with pausing whatever I’m doing for literally one min just to greet him when he came home. This tiny thing shifted my energy and his. It put my chaos on hold and in perspective.
But I had to decide who I wanted to be, like what kind of wife and mom.
But if it was an insane day, I’d figure out what I needed, and ask kindly and directly “he boo it’s been a doozy it would be super helpful if you did bath time.” Or “once you’re settled can I just have 20 min to sit down or go on a walk before dinner” or “do you think we can do a family walk after dinner” etc
It’s haaaaaard. And honestly sometimes I can’t do it and he walks into a cold shoulder for no action of his own just me being in my head even when I try to prep myself on his way home. And sometimes I’ll call that out too “I’m grumpy and I’m trying to shake it. You haven’t done anything I’m just a little overwhelmed, I just need a min to reset”
@@heyshaylaso helpful thank you!
love you
Quick question... What does your husband do? This can play a significant role in how a marital relationship is balanced and managed. I am married to a musician so our schedule is so not "normal" and many of the tips don't work for us. We are making life work the best we can but it can be difficult when the spouse cannot help at all with bedtime or early morning due to working hours. I now military families have it much worse but I am curious what your hubby does since it seems like he might be around a lot more than the average spouse.
Not at all actually 😅 he works shift work and gets home late or in the middle of the night and has to “sleep in” until mid morning or mid day to get his 6-8 hrs of sleep.
He just switched to days, but works 11 hr shifts so with commute time he’s gone allll day.
It’s a struggle and we work at it everyday. But for sure it’s harder and there are so many factors, if the other partner works, if the kids are in any childcare, how much support is around, the kids temperament etc. comparison will rob us of happiness, it’s hard for everyone in different ways
That's refreshing to hear honestly since it's a lot more relatable 😂 especially for us. My husband will be gone for a week or two at a time and then for a few days here and there and there is bo routine really. We have a very active little boy and zero help so it is an adventure in parenting and marriage but I appreciate the message of checking resentments before they build. So vital ❤
What is the rewiring happiness book?
Hardwiring happiness!
This ❤️
Moms work is for 18-20 years. Dads work is forever even if moms never go back to work our husbands will still be working their whole lives to provide for us and the kids. When I think about this it’s makes me grateful for my husband and I know I don’t HAVE to go back to work when I’m done raising kids because he will still be providing even after the kids leave home ❤
😂 8:21
I wanted divorce because of resentment of a partner already being pregnant and after labour and post partum only assured me in what I wanted