Purity Culture: Are You "Broken" Now?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ธ.ค. 2020
- Purity culture taught us that sex had the power to make irreversible marks on our soul - to break us down and damage our worth. So let's take a closer look at that belief. 💜
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Not only was I taught that sex had the power to make me whole or broken I was also taught that if I ever had sex with person outside of marriage that person would no longer love or respect me that I could no longer be a person worth marrying because my only value was gone and it made me incredibly insecure about relationships and instead of enjoying the time I had with people I was constantly thinking of what I meant to someone else
I grew up in purity culture and planned on waiting to have sex until marriage. Then, when I was about to turn 18, I was raped. It was so insidious because I didn't even realize for years that it was rape. I thought it was the whole "drunken mistake" thing portrayed in TV shows. I was either unintentionally blackout drunk (super lightweight & my first time drinking) or drugged. I had no idea that's not actually consent, so I felt ashamed and broken. I basically just quit caring and unfortunately wound up being raped more times by someone else because I was naive, trusting, and sheltered. My entire relationship with sex for years was horrible because it was always something I ended up doing even though I didn't really want to. I'm finally starting to dismantle and process those feelings after 12 years. It still makes me so sad that my choices were taken away from me.
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This. I was assaulted by at least one person at 13. I’m not sure what was done to me because I didn’t tell anyone and I had what I now suspect was a head injury (I never even told a doctor or family). I asked during one of the many ‘girls should only want sex when they’re married, only to please their husband’ talks, ‘what if you were raped?’ I got the most confusing message possible. It was not viewed as the same as wanting sex, but ‘a woman who went through that’ held half the responsibility because either 1) ‘she could have always done more to stop it’ or 2) she subconsciously wanted it to happen but wanted the poor, innocent man to be viewed as ‘the bad guy’ because ‘the world’s culture never blames women for anything, and women know this.’ They went on to say that a woman who was raped had a right to try to find a husband, but no room to complain if he rejected her for being impure. So I never told anyone. There was more, like my mom’s penchant for over-sharing, which seemed to be common with women in that world. They will share every detail of their children’s life like nobody under 18 needs privacy or control over who k owe their life story. I sure as shit didn’t want it getting around that I was impure. I was 13 and didn’t even know if I wanted to get married. I stopped even getting crushes for a few years after because I was terrified of what else might happen. I was applauded for not wanting anything to do with boys (or girls, but nobody knew that about me, either). My trauma response was their goal for middle and high school girls. I ended up in public school and out of that world a few years later and healed as much as I could for someone that age, with those scars. But I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t still affect me to this day.
that's so messed up! Rape is never the victim's fault and is always the rapist's fault. sorry that you went through that.
Purity culture has almost destroyed me. Keyword almost. But the amount of severe anxiety and shame it has created in me is so deep I cannot even put it into words.
Same
Wow I truly needed this . I recently got divorced and I stayed with my abusive husband for years because I didn’t want to fail God and I now realize that I only stayed with him because he was my first sexual partner and I was told by many church leaders that God saw us as one already and that the next step was marriage .
I've done it before marriage and I don't considered nyself",broken".
"In purity culture, we were taught that sex did make us whole or broken. Sex had an irreversible stamp on our souls." Wow, what a great way to articulate it! That's exactly how it felt growing up.
And I love Sex Education! Thanks for the reminder of that beautiful quote :)
Ya but physiological studys are showing sex does create strong healthy bonds or can break you down mentally. So I dont get why people who dont have a clue about the physiological workings of sex on the mind choose to speak on the matter like profesionals. Its silly to think sex is free, sex is extremely personal. No matter someones view, treating it casually affects the mind in a big way. It affects the way you look at yourself and at others, it also affects bonding. So whats actually wrong about telling people to be cafefully. Its one thing to put shame into people its another to show the warning signs, and when they mess up they feel shame because they feel used by somebody, at the same time battling a bonding chemical in their mind. This is a fact. No wonder why people still feel shame around sex even since the late 60s sexual revolution. People are still hurting. Is it any wonder why we are taught to becarefull because yes, it can build a relationship and bond healthy or break us... whats wrong with speaking the truth for the sake of your mental health !?
Don’t spill that coffee 😱😱😱
I can relate to this. At age 49 & married, I still have issues with it. My mom & stepdad were part of Christian based cults that pushed purity culture, guilt & that sex was bad.
Being 27 and never had been in a relationship all of this is alien to me that and not growing up in a religious household
I grew up in the LDS Faith. Similar to purity culture. I lives a celibate life until i marries at 34. Now 38 and still "reprogramming" the beleif systems ingrained in me from an early age, not necessarily doctrinal but rather cultural norms. You are not alone.
I just found this video, I know it’s 2 years old but I feel seen, validated, and comforted. Thank you.
I wish more people would speak out about trauma from growing up in a hypersexualized/hypersexual society. That's the type of thing I grew up with. I was recently chatting with friends about how everything around us is so pornified and sex positivity culture is so coercive and forceful that we don't feel comfortable to be ourselves anymore. This genuinely ruined my life. I've never been religious, nor have I grown up with a religious family.
You are absolutely correct. I did grow up with purity culture. It has caused me weird damage and it almost cost me very serious inability to form relationships. Thankfully, I had a very patient bf who was also from the culture. Now, I'm not young anymore, but I'm out of my high demand religion and processing this stuff. I sometimes have to admit that it saved me from a whole hella awful stuff though that the rest of you all are exposed to. I've not been exposed to porn and I'm grateful for that.
This subject is so interesting to me. It definately does not make you a bad person ir broken or anything. We are human beings. All humans are different and whatever you do or dont do should be your decision and you should not be made to feel bad about it. Its difficult to talk about but i went the totally opposite way. I used it to feel better about myself and believed for a very long time that it was all i was good for. But i now have realised that im deserving of actual love. Sorry if its off topic but just wanted to share a different side. Hope thats ok.
You're absolutely worthy of love! Thank you for having the courage to share!
@@katharinemay4040 thankypu so much. It means alot. Was a bit nervous to share as its off topic but i know there are other people like me and wanted to let them know they are not alone. Thankyou again for being so lovely about it x
Yet they don't say a word when the Clergy have affairs or molest kids!!
Remotely think about having sex before marriage it's "NO!!YOU MUST ABSTAIN UNTIL YOUR'E MARRIED!!NO DING DING WITHOUT A WEDDING RING!!".
The quote you shared has kicked off my journey of healing. Thank you for this entire video.
Aaaaah, you referenced "Sex Education"!!! Hilarious, educational for those that need it, and heartwarming.
Such a great video and I relate to absolutely all of it, thank you for the reminder that it is not just me! I've watched Sex Education and I have also cried every time I saw that scene, I'm so so grateful that they included it. :)
Thank you for looking into the camera and saying you are not broken. I burst into tears when you said that. Clearly, I have some soul searching to do.
Your always beautiful jo purity culture is so damning and damaging those toxic oudated teachings have no place in modern society love you jo awesome and inpatient video
Jo I would LOVE to hear you do a TedTalk because I love these videos!!
Aw thank you so much!!! 💜
@@TraumaTalk 💜 Thank You
This is SO GOOD! I’ve never heard it worded like this and it’s so beautiful! Also, your channel is the first place I heard the term “purity culture” and it rocked my world. I researched it endlessly as I found words to describe the messages I received as a kid. I cherish so many people I grew up with but there were many hurtful messages that, combined with my own traumatic childhood, caused some real hurt and confusion. In addition to the obvious struggles with sexuality, I was able to look back and see how pieces of it also contributed to a 10 year battle with an eating disorder. Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing your journey.
Thank you! thank you! thank you! I really needed this.
Needed this today ❤ thank you Jo💕
so powerful "sex doesnt make you whole so it cant make you broken "
love the video content Jo
I love how you talk about this topic. Thank you!!!
💜
I'm glad I don't feel alone in dealing with these scars. I know this might sound disorienting, throughout my teens I had almost no contact with the opposite sex because I went to a religious MALE-ONLY school. That and a few other drawbacks kind of screwed me up. And that's the short version.🤣
My mom tells me that your worth is solely determined by your character.
In the new movie cabrina she is a virgin her whole life but yet she lives a very happy life. The movie is based on a true story. ✝️📿 I don't have sex outside of marriage but I do like platonic touch alot.I wish i knew more christians and people of other religions that liked platonic touch as much i do.😢 Platonic touch is missing so much from American culture that I may have to end up eventually buying a mannequin that has very realistic flesh or wearing a shirt that says free hugs.
not me losing my mind when jo referenced sex education
smiles in asexual
Hello idol☺️
as a guy, i wouldnt expect a straight guy to want to have sex with me. i also wouldnt expect an asexual person to want to have sex with me. i dont see any reason to have a problem with it either way.
Darlin little sister..was broken
At three
When they stole from me
My innocence
No justice
No recompense
Still..I'll walk on.
My ancestors went through worse.
Been celibate for thirty years..
I'm truly happier.
For each of us the choice is to learn from our abusers mistakes.
I survived.
My sister and brother didn't
I'm grateful to be alive.
I just no longer believe in sex outside of a committed relationship.
Thankfully I'm way past caring
At 64..I'm free of the invasive desires of others.
I think, after watching many of these kinds of videos, is that the main problem with the so-called “purity culture” of the 90s was the complete lack of any mention of God’s grace for the fallen. That is the problem with anything “legalistic”: the discussion inevitably revolves around the obligations and duties of a “good” Christian, without any discussion of grace or mercy for those who are struggling (and we all are struggling, as there is no one who is without sin, and we all therefore need grace). That’s where the toxic shame comes from. Simply discussing law without a balanced discussion of the concept of grace is NOT the gospel, and is therefore not a Christian message.
“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
~Hebrews 4:16 (NKJV)
The problem as viewing women's bodies as the source of sin. Or that sexual thoughts or the wrong kind of sex is a sin at all. It's just as bad to say you are a broken sinner just like all of us but if you give enough money and grovel enough to god he might maybe forgive you for your dirty sex drive that he supposedly gave you.
@@amberinthemist7912 Hum, with all due respect, you seem to be blaming God for your inability to control your sexual impulses; that is analogous to refusing to control your weight or your cholesterol by blaming God for making you lazy, or excusing one’s inability to control one’s finances and going into debt by accusing God of giving you materialistic impulses, or abusing alcohol or drugs and refusing to get help because because you claim that it is God’s fault that He made you an alcoholic or an addict. Having impulses to do self-destructive things does not in of itself make you a bad person, but excusing a lack of self-discipline and an inability to control one’s own emotions is not a good thing; even secular people acknowledge this. Part of being an adult is learning to exercise self control, instead of blaming God or someone else (the mythical “patriarchy”, perhaps?) for your own lack of discipline, and your resulting own poor choices which creates a train wreck of problems down the road. Purity culture was not entirely wrong, as the people behind it were probably trying to save you from making rash decisions with your body that you would one day regret, but it seemed to lack grace, or compassion, or patience for the people who were still growing and learning.
@@amberinthemist7912 PS: I assume that God gave us sexual impulses and desires so that we would be motivated to find a spouse and get married (which also motivates us into doing the work and self-improvement to become a person that someone would want to marry one day). I don’t think that God gave us impulses so that we could indulge every wild sexual act with anyone and everyone with abandon and then blame God for the consequences of our lack of impulse control. Imagine someone who was obese blaming God for creating food, or hunger, as an excuse to ignore their doctor’s advice about cutting calories and refusing to exercise (well, it’s God’s fault that I’m lazy). Same thing.
@randyg22152 obesity is proven to be harmful via science. What amount of sex partners is harmful 2? 20? Where's the proof that having 2 relationships over a lifetime with sex is harmful ? Where's the proof masterbating is harmful in any capacity?
The choices aren't madonna or whore. Purity culture has ruined the lives of women who remain repressed and unhappy during marriage because of all the little girls being brutally harmed by being told the only choices are Madonna or whore.
You are harming women with your religion to keep the power of the patriarchy behind you. You are comparing scientifically provable facts to stuff people made up and wrote down thousands of years ago. It's absurd.
Enjoy all the empty churches. Maybe if Christian men had any compassion to the harms the madonna whore complex does for women they could have held on to more decent women. Ps the madonna whore complex never applies to men. Christian men never ever measure their value based on how "used up" they are. That should bother god. That should bother real Christians men but it doesn't at all.
I'm a child of the so-called "purity culture," and I'm now happily married (celebrating 12 years this month) with a great sex life and three children. I'm so glad my wife and I waited until marriage. I'm seriously confused as to what everyone's upset about. Can someone succinctly explain to me what I'm missing:
1. What do you think purity culture actually taught (no straw-manning or mischaracterizations please)? Free free to provide some quotations from books or speakers.
2. What do you find objectively incorrect, misguided, immoral, or wrong about those teachings (and please give me more than just "I don't like rules about sex."
Gfys
I wish that I was in purity culture because I lost my virginity right after high school and when he left me I just felt like I gave my virginity to someone who didn't even deserve it. I had a few more sexual partners and I regretted to this day. I am currently not dating and sexually active. I wish I would have waited until I got married. I got tired of guys wanting to get physical with me but no marriage. But then that was my own fault for making things easy for them and why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Even though it is marriage I desire, I just don't want to be hurt again.
I’m watching this and am not sure if she is a Christian. If she is I hope that’s concerning to her.
Bad advice for young Christian women. Sexual activity absolutely matters. There are beautiful stories of women being redeemed from sexual sin. Notice, though, how sexual immorality plays especially hard on men in the Bible (king David’s sin). Do not give in to “modern” culture. Women are the keepers of the gait of sexual immorality. Purity is the goal. Abstain and focus on Jesus for redemption.
Also just read God’s word. It’s all there. Sex has a natural use. Seek for what God says happens when women disregard this natural use or purpose. Purity os a gift. No Christian man will judge your loss of it. But you must abstain and heal through God’s word.
So men are the leaders and also have no control or responsibility for anything they do. Brilliant.
Sorry but most men don't want a woman that was the town bicycle . And yes it's important to not bang everything