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Failed Emergency Foster Care Placement
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People who don't have any children of their own are definitely needed in certain situations. One of my single friends is a foster parent. All types of parenting situations are needed. Please don't feel guilty. I am glad you got to help a little bit and often a little goes a long way.
That’s a great way to put it.
and/or no pets!
@@IDontKnow-pf6en ?
Absolutely. There are many kids out there who need placements where they are not around other children. Children who are easily overstimulated (often on the autism spectrum), who have inappropriate behaviors toward other children, who have been severely abused, or who have been bullied may have difficulty interacting with other children, and oftentimes parents with children who take them in are putting their own children at risk. But these kids still need to be cared for. Their behaviors are generally the result of traumas they have experienced themselves and a safe, child-free environment combined with therapy can work wonders in preparing them for later being able to live in less restrictive environments and becoming healthy adults.
So glad the caseworkers stayed that long. The child may just think you were there to give them dinner and a bath and let them play for a short time. Lots of good lessons. Thank you for sharing. ❤
This is what I thought too.
I agree. In the child's mind, it may just have been a visit to these nice people's house for dinner and a new outfit.
Yeah when I was in foster care nobody communicated what was happening to me at all so I never knew where I was going for what or how long...
They were probably completely clueless as to the nature of this visit.
From a former foster child in the system and aged out
I am beyond thankful for y’all looking at the obstacles and knowing that it’s not realistic for your family and the child wouldn’t benefit from it … I got placed in multiple homes that wasn’t fit for me but yet the case workers didn’t care keep doing what you’re doing 🥰🥰
I’m really proud of you for knowing what you can handle. Not everyone has this strength. It’s very difficult to step back even when you know you can’t support in the way that is needed.
@@keepwaaatchinggirl1991 She said she couldn’t tell the whole story. I’m sure if it was a “kid being a kid” she would have handled it just fine. There’s a difference between teaching a kid to share and letting another kid break and ruin their things. Sharing doesn’t mean “let them have all your things” either. Darcy is a person too, she’s allowed to have boundaries too.
I have a 9 year old son with severe nonverbal autism, ADHD, and anxiety. The level of care he needs is so much more than could be explained on a phone call. Knowing the behaviors we deal with daily and factoring in this child is coming into a new unknown home and leave a bad situation I can’t imagine the behaviors this poor child was displaying. Y’all did right realizing it was to much because things get out of hand fast and can become life threatening in a blink of an eye.
I don't think any placement could be called a failure if it was in the best interest of the child to be placed elsewhere. You made an incredibly selfless decision in becoming a foster family in the first place and continue to do that with each child. Just because you consider your families personal needs in the decision making process doesn't make it selfish at all, it still makes it about finding the right place for the child to thrive and it takes incredible insight and strength to recognise that your home may not be it for a specific child. Don't get down on yourself or let this feel any negative kind of way. You're doing an incredible job as a family and it is far better for children to be in the right placement for them than be in a placement that could be a problem for them.
My child is autistic, partially verbal, with a bit of ADHD to spice it up s bit. Its so tough. My husband and I did weeks of parent therapy, and had the support of multiple therapists for years. Still we feel inadequate as parents, and she's ours! My MIL has been a foster parent for over 34 years (all of my husbands life), and as big as her heart is, she will not accept a placement that she can't manage. With four kids in her home, that meant that sometimes that she had to say no. And I have been around long enough to witness the struggle for her. As right as her no was; I'm sure it was still hard.
Gotta love that adhd spice (says a spicy individual themselves lol) it’s not easy for sure and my wonderful parents managed it so well despite not really knowing how. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job, I just thought you should know :)
I work with kids on the spectrum and I am tired, it’s a very difficult field
It takes a lot of courage to share difficult situations with strangers around the world. Your dedication to fostering is inspiring!
❤️ thank you for the kind words ❤️
If you are not used to being around higher need children, I can see how it would be very hard to adjust to those needs at a moment's notice. You fed them, bathed them, clothed them. That was a blessing to that child at that time. You still participated in the care of that child. You never know just how much those simple acts might mean to that child.
Appreciate this
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this experience, it’s going to help others looking to foster. Carers/potential foster families don’t need all happy ending stories, we need honest relatable stories that people can learn from, so THANK YOU!
My daughter used to be a social worker and was a case worker. Even then there was a shortage of therapeutic homes for children with more needs. I admire you and John for what you do.
The fact that this happened just shows how much you care. I can feel how guilty you feel, you’re doing a great job and you have such great hearts. More than that, you genuinely want what is best for the kids. All of them.
❤️❤️❤️
This is also a big issue for parents of children with special needs. Often, parents can’t get the help, services, or respite to be able to handle those things. They get to the point of burn out where they just can’t take it anymore because of wait lists or lack of access to things that could help. The system often assumes abuse even though they don’t understand the strain on the parents. Then when they try to place these kids, they don’t have enough people in the system who get it and know what to do. Often the people that could do it are the people who have gone through it, but in some states if you’ve had services called on you, it’s an automatic disqualification to become a foster parent or provide respite. There isn’t enough or training to really teach the kind of support needed or provide it. You didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s great you’re bringing awareness to this and that there is a big lack of places for these kids to go.
I definitely hear this.
Love from South Africa ❤ 🇿🇦.
I've fostered twice, for periods of 2 years at a time. Foster families are SO rare here, and so badly supervised. And of course, kids are desperately in need. Sensitive, 'normal ' caseworkers are truly a godsend. Like gold dust ❣❤
You did a beautiful job of being vague and protecting privacy, while displaying your heart and experience.
Approximately 36 years ago we became foster parents to a baby boy that was 13 days old. I was a stay at home mom of a 13 and 14 year old. When he was two we were able to adopt him:) When he was 2 1/2 we became foster parents to a newborn.. His mom was an addict. He was born addicted to drugs. He hadn't been named and social services allowed me to name him. I named him Nico:) When Nico was about 2 months old I realized I wasn't able to handle things any longer.. After discussions with the social worker they found another home for him to go to.. I was the one to take him there.. The home conditions there were less than desirable. I cried all the way home and for a long time after for feeling like I let Nico down. I have always had a place in my heart for him and have prayed that his life turned out well. I did go on to foster again. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. Thank you for doing what you can to help others!!
I'm not involved with the fostering of children. But, I don't think it was appropriate for them to make you responsible for delivering Nico to the next home. Yes, you provide foster care for children in need, but you are not an employee of the "system". It was entirely unfair and unkind to you to see the condition of the home you were leaving him in. Sounds to me like they knew how it was and left it to you to maybe reconsider.
I’m surprised the caseworkers stayed that long here they barley stay ten minutes after dropping kids off especially emergency. That’s great that they were there for all of that!!
Yes, they were really incredible throughout the whole process 💛
The 2 social workers stayed in my home for about 90 minutes and it took the 3 of us that long to put the children to bed (it was a late night drop off) and set up some gates and safety things. It's actually a really funny memory for me because the kiddos are still here and it has been 2 years. They have come so far. It's hard to even remember how wild and unpredictable their behaviour was in the early days.
I am taking in my God son through kinship. Thanks to watching your channel I wasn't completely lost during this process! I knew what I needed to do and have done in my home for him. I appreciate the education from you guys so much!! Thank you ❤
Oh wow! This fills my heart ❤️ kinship caregivers are the true heroes.
It may differ from state to state? But.. Do you need to me certified for kinship?
@@hillaryeckert7250 I did not. I'm in Tennessee and it is more of an emergency situation, I dont know if that matters. But no I'm not certified
Heartbroken for that child . Most foster kids will have behaviour . Understandable , they’ve lived a harder life than most adults at their small age . It should be mandatory for all foster parents to understand and learn about developmental aspect of a child going through all circumstances to best support them .
It is nawadays and yes super important
Have been fostering for 10yrs plus
Very challenging but super rewarding
You did the right thing. You have to ensure the safety of your children as a priority as well as the foster child.
Some kids need and deserve one on one care. Especially after being unsuccessful in a bio home. My stepdaughter went from "normal" to needing full support prior to her passing. Her needs took away from her sister's needs being met.
I work with adults with disabilities - I learned in my 3 years of college that it's so important for them or really anybody to be in an environment where they will thrive and grow and feel successful. Love your channel and what you do for these kids
Poor child. I hope she/he found the exact right foster home with a family that can focus on helping them feel loved and get their needs met. Thank goodness the caseworkers stayed. It sounds like this new agency is a much better fit for your family.
We did foster care over 25 years. We did regular, treatment, and intensive treatment foster care as well as respite care for over 200+children as well as a few parent and child placements. You did a nice job of explaining this. One of the reasons children leave our homes in treatment level placements is to get higher level help in a hospitalization or group home, or partial hospitalization program. Many lived with us for 1 to 4 years. Some kids were also placed in wilderness training type group living situations. Many came to our home when those types of placements failed. Usually, in my opinion, because the child really craved the live and nurturing of family life. Also, some of the children in our care did receive services on personal care attendants to help with their extreme needs. We are still in loving contact with many of them. It is so fulfilling, yet, the hardest work I could ever do. Thanks for all that you do and the love you provide. I think you made the appropriate decision as many times they say they will move the child but can never find a family match which puts major stress on your family as well as the child.
Thank you for making this video. As a member of the foster care team in my town, I am amazed at the people who make the choice to be foster parents. Great information. All the best to you and your family.
I love that Miss A is still in the intro after she returned home!
I don’t know if I’m ready to record a new intro 😭
Love the intro! U know when u are ready to change the intro
Thank you so much for sharing. This is a tough , but very real and necessary conversation that foster families need to know about. I would like to add… i can hear the guilt in your voice, and i want you to know what you did was exactly what that child needed. You put your guilt, concerns for your family, maybe even embarrassment for letting the case workers and child down by having to say no…you put the child’s welfare above your own. That right there says so much about your heart, your intentions, your character, and your willingness to do what you felt was the best for the child regardless of how uncomfortable it made you feel. That is a truly good foster parent!
It must be so challenging to foster when you have little ones of your own at home. Kudos to your family for providing this much needed service but you do have to put your own childrens safety and tolerance first unfortunately. You made the right decision.
You are such a strong woman. You have to protect your babies too. The need was greater than your limits. I think you did the right thing for your family and this child.
Please don't feel too bad for having to say no because you were trying but the situation just wasn't the right one right now. From an ex-foster child who is now an adult over 21 I can say that I wish that I had foster parents like you and John when I was growing up. You explained the situation perfectly with the information that you could be comfortable giving out about what went on. I was a handful when I was younger just because of what I had been through and there were a lot of foster parents that said no because of that reason. I am extremely proud of you for trying and also for realizing that it wouldn't work out, after all yes you may be a foster family but your own children, who are still pretty young themselves still come first and that is OK.
I'm still contact with ex foster parents not every foster parent is right for the child but sometimes in my case they was as perfect as they could
I totally understand. I worked with preschoolers with many disabilities for 30+ years and we will never always have the tools that can help that particular child.
Looking after safety of your own children is a priority. You did the right thing.
The fact that you even offer your home is a huge deal and shows what good kind ppl you are. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing your best and giving your love when many can't even do that much. You are angels.
As a parent of two special needs boys, I must say that mental health treatment and support are so lacking. The parents of children with special needs often go with little to no support or respite. Insurance companies do not want to pay for anything so sometimes the only way for a child to get services is through the state and those services are lacking. Mental health services are a “hot mess” !
Wishing you all the best!
It's a tough job being both a parent and a foster parent. I give major props to you and John. Hopefully she has a loving place to stay and is able to support her mental health needs.
THANK YOU 🙏 FOR CARING ENOUGH TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES. WE NEED YOU and MORE LIKE YOU...
GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY!
MY HUSBAND, GRANDDAUGHTER, and I are a FOSTER FAMILY WHO TOTALLY IDENTIFY WITH YOUR FOSTER FAMILY's SITUATION 💯...
The BEST thing about you accepting is that the caseworkers got to observe behaviors they didnt know could effect a placement. It was probably the best thing that could happen so they COULD find a better place to meet the child’s needs. This would potentially prevent multiple moves from homes that weren’t equipped to deal with the behaviors. While is was hard on you, it gave more information to the caseworkers.
Maybe I am just jaded but I think its likely in many cases they ‘don’t want to know the degree’. We like to act as if its okay if someone isn’t a fit and on one hand that is totally valid but on the other hand this ‘magical & mythical’ fit and homes that exist to take them on are so extremely extremely rare and the extremely extremely rare amount that do exist many sadly aren’t very good environments and openings are rare.
We need to do FAR better as a society on creating actual solutions for these kids in the amounts needed.
In actual reality caseworkers in general are just elated to find ANY home.
It’s important to keep everyone safe. It’s so hard to say no when they are at the placement and showing with behaviours that are challenging. Watching channels like the crazy middles placements are never easy and hopefully they can get help and a better placement and not causing more trauma. It’s ok not to be ok.
I really think the classification “emergency placement” differs from agency to agency or state to state. Here in WI (Milwaukee county specifically) a placement is deemed an emergency placement if the call comes after 3 pm or before 8 am weekdays or Friday at 3 to Monday at 8 am (so the entire weekend). When you get called for an emergency placement, you’re taking placement for as long as the child needs. We aren’t a “safe place before a more perm. placement is found”. We are it until the kids reunify, head to adoption or move elsewhere for different needs (head to treatment foster placement or in patient services long term). Of my 22 placements in the 6 years we have fostered 21 have been emergency placements and do come with the emergency placement added stipend. Which obviously we don’t need but is nice. Also, we have always said yes to calls and the kids have always come except for 1 who ended up heading to grandma before formally entering care.
I’ve learned over the years to “read between the lines”. I say no far more than yes because I know what we can handle. It was so hard at the beginning. You did the right thing by letting the caseworkers know, and still being willing to help by cleaning the child up with fresh clothes. I had a 4 year old child, who was big for her age, walk in my house and literally punched our 2 two year olds. Blood going everywhere. I literally looked at the caseworker, and said “get her out now”. I wasn’t too proud of myself, but if she did that in front of the caseworker, what would have happened after? Now I have a list of questions that I check off when on the phone with placement. I either check it off or write an answer, and at the end, I may ask any question that wasn’t answered. Definitely do what will work for you and John, but trust your gut. ❤️
I think that having a hard list you can check off is such a bright solution. A decision making tree, of sorts. Healthcare professionals use them, and in a way, foster families are extensions of the healthcare system. Something formal would help.
I feel so bad for the more challenging children but your reaction is totally understandable, your children's safety is priority. More foster families with okder or no children are needed for these children with more challenging special needs.
While there is much to criticize about the Myka Stauffer situation (like, for instance, perhaps the placement should've been temporary at first if at all possible), I can't say they did the wrong thing by sending their adopted son back to the agency. It's _heartbreaking,_ and I see why people were inclined to react the way they did, but from the veiled way through which I heard clips of them talking about it, the child they adopted had *way* more needs (sounding like RAD) than the agency had represented and was putting their other children in danger.
Even if it's your _biological_ child who is the danger, you have to prioritize the safety of as many of the children in your care as you can. That doesn't make you bad, or a terrible parent, or souless. What would _really_ be wrong would be letting the fear of judgement from a caseworker, your community, or the internet, intimidate you into putting your children in harm's way.
I agree! I think the issue with her is she used that child for views, donations, ect which caused a outrage & she also put on more for the camera instead of being REAL she made it like it was a piece of cake so when she give him back people were in disbelief! That’s why it’s best to be honest! If she had shared her struggles then people would have understood why she couldn’t keep him! She did right by sending him back because it could have turned dangerous for the child if her mental health wasn’t well enough to keep him
It takes a lot of strength to know you’re not going to be the very best fit for that child and your own limitations. You are wonderfully loving family and you should always be proud of your journey xo
Mental health and behavioral issues are so hard to work through. My family fostered as a kinship placement and her diagnoses were tough even with multiple adults and 1 child to look out for.❤
another issue is that some kids with serious special needs require things that either do not exist or are not able to be reasonably provided. That's why so many kids like that end up in "group home" type settings even when they have biological parents that would have been able to care for a less difficult child. I know people who work for housing centers for those with serious special needs and nobody knows what to do with what they refer to as the "worst cases" which are far more common than I think a lot of people realize. Most people only last a little while because they will try to send these 120lb women in with 300+ pound men that are prone to violent tantrums because somebody needs to provide care to him but there is nobody that can do so safely. So you basically end up having these shelters full of people with behavioral issues that are constantly riling each other up and nobody wants to work there because it is unsafe in many cases, but its not like the people can be placed into foster type homes because an even smaller amount of nobody wants to deal with that 24/7. People have a very incorrect view of mental disability where there is this idea going around that all mentally disabled people are these sweet puppy dog people who bring wonder and happiness into the lives of those around them. That is definitely the case for SOME people with these issues but others are extremely extremely violent to the point where they are unsafe to be around, or otherwise impossible to deal with. We just do not have the understanding at this point of what to do with those types of cases.
This is actually an issue I have noticed very generally with special needs kids. They do all these studies and find that oh a kid with these needs benefits from having XYZ and then they tell just tell the schools and teachers to provide XYZ to the special needs kids without really coming up A. extra funding for the extra costs which that would require. and B. a plan for how to implement the changes. So they pat themselves on the back for saying they are going to do all this stuff for disabled students but never actually provide a framework for how to execute said plan then they punish the SCHOOLS AND THE TEACHERS when they are unable to essentially turn water into wine. Basically it would be like if you were a clothing maker and somebody sent you barely enough materials to make the 50 pairs of denim shorts they had ordered than later called you back and said "actually 4 of those 50 shorts need to be full length pants" it was already questionable whether or not you could have made 50 pairs of shorts out of this now 4 of them have to be pants and you DEFINITELY don't have enough denim for that...
I love how thoughtful and intentional you are in this whole situation- I imagine it would feel really tempting to push through and tell yourself "no, we can do this", but that wouldn't necessarily be in the best interest of the child. Also the way you speak about this situation now, clearly having reflected on it for a few months - this whole thing just shows how much you truly care for the child.
Love your videos!
You do a great job at showing that your journey is not all butterflies and rainbows. This is real life and sometimes the hard decision is the right one ❤️
Thank you for sharing your experience. You did a good job of telling your story while maintaining the child’s privacy. You and your family are making a difference. 😊
Think she almost shared too much
I'm from Sweden and i have been a fostercarer to my nephew. It is'nt always easy. I was so happy that they made the disision that i was suitable for him. I think you should be proud of your self! As you say there is a shortage of people who want to do this for children in need. You did the right thing for your family and for the child in this case.
I totally understand wanting to help and doing all you can but the guilt when you know you can't. Praying for you.
I want to thank you for not going in to much detail on the child’s behaviors. I know this was a very intentional choice. I read through many comments and didn’t see a single one criticizing the child. I know unfortunately you got a few rude comments which is disappointing. But so often people online like to criticize children or their parents for behavior issues without understanding how trauma and disabilities impact this behavior. You set this video up so that didn’t happen.
Appreciate the acknowledgment
You did the best thing for the child, and that proves your a good foster parents.
I appreciate your honesty about this and get why you feel guilty. But you did your best. It's always a good thing to admit you can't do something or need help.
It’s a very good thing to remember that just because you are not the right fit for a child. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. It just means you’re meant for another child who needs to receive what you have to offer.
You are an AMAZING foster family. To recognize that you're not a good fit and make sure that you only take what you can handle is so so important. I feel like many foster placements fail because people try to take kiddos they're not equipped to handle and try so hard to make it work and then it all falls apart and it's just another attachment break for the poor kiddo.
I'm really glad you made this video. I really enjoyed it and I feel like I learned a lot. I also said that when I started fostering, that if they didn't have another placement for a child I would always take them so they didn't have to go into a facility or JD. Now I understand that, despite my good intentions, I need to think very seriously through whether or not I can handle a certain child, even for a day. Thank you. I know you felt guilty but that child will not forget the kindness they experienced in your home, even just for the evening.
You just validated my reasons for making this video 🙌🏼 if the message lands and supports just one person, it’s worth it. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing this ❤️
Thank you for sharing the “negative stories” as much as the positive stories
As a mom of an autistic child I understand. No one could prepare you for the challenges that come. It took a long time for my husband and I to understand how to parent our own child. I think this is an awesome opportunity for you and John to get some neurodivergent training to be able to help a placement in the future.
Lisa Allen I agree with you! I'm also an Autism mom and it's hard with one.
Yes, it is definitely an area we can use training and experience so we can best support possible placements who are on the spectrum ❤️
Such true -after soooooo many yrs of different programs/therapists etc the turning point for us was Asperger Experts! That organization changed our house!
At the moment they have 2 little ones in the house. It sounds like this emergency placement temporary was out of birth order as well. The little ones are not going to be able to be trained in whatever is going on or multiple things going on. Autism mom as well… once all her kids are in school they will doubt has some exposure to kids who take the world in a bit differently and if the foster child younger could be a better match. Mainstreaming is much better today, at least in younger grades.
@@BeTheVillageCommunity hi. As a disabled person, I would love you and John to be able to foster disabled children. But I understand it’s not for everyone! If you have any questions, you can definitely reply to my comment and I’ll try to answer them for you.
It is so refreshing to hear this. We currently have a bio infant and a foster 16 yo girl. We're not emotionally in a place (and housewise) to take another placement so that our teen can have her own room and we can give the proper attention to both girls. We do respite, but it's always temporary. I always feel guilty, as I see friends who take 2-4 kids and have an infant, but I know every family is different and this is what we can do and still be healthy and give well to the child in our home. Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it.
Whitney, I wanted to reach through the screen and hug you! I could feel your guilt. Shaun and I take in children with high level behaviors and it is hard for people to understand that children could be that difficult if they haven't been through it. It is SO HARD to say no to placements! Good for you for being able to see the issues and then being able to say no. It was very nice of you to let the child have a bath, pick out some new clothes and eat a home cooked meal even when you knew the child wasn't going to stay. Your heart was is the right place and you did what was best for the child (and your family), even if it was hard for you. ♥
never seen your channel before but i can honestly say it takes alot of self reflection and awareness too know what you can and can not handle, everyones safety is paramount with any placement. well done on doing the right thing for everyone involved :)
Higher needs children are a real challenge.I was in a situation with three.I have always felt there should be some support given to care givers.Even a little training.I also realize the system in so over crowded.I made it through but can honestly say I couldn’t do it again for a long placement,Bless you for trying to help these children.
Then they shouldn’t agree to doing it. They caused more trauma to an already traumatized child for their own selfish purposes.
I completely get this and had this experience myself. The guilt is awful. When you said you can try to help and end up harming instead - that really resonated. It was when we got to that same point a couple of weeks into our situation, we had to end the care. It was devastating. We weren't aware of the severity of the issues either, although we did have experience with a similar level of care which made us think we could handle the situation. In other words we knew the 24/7 one-on-one work that was involved. I remember having to keep saying that only a professional is really capable of dealing with this level of care and we are actually doing harm by continuing this. Obviously I'm being vague as well here. All this to say, I get it. This happened to us. It's heartbreaking. And yeah, trust your gut. I honestly believe without having a deep understanding of some of these issues we can do serious harm.
I understand what you mean.. my daughter has a few different diagnosis.. and my sister just loves my daughter (and my daughter loves her )to bits.. but especially when my daughter was at a younger age and we didn't even have a diagnosis and therapy and medications and stuff yet.. my sister could only handle being around my daughter for a certain amount of time.. and it had nothing to do with how much she cared or love her but it was just too much for her to handle for overnights and weekends and things.. and as the parent I'm glad that my sister told me that she wasn't able to watch her for any longer than that because I want what's best for both of them and not have them both in a stressed out situation where neither of them knows what to do..
Darcy reminds me of myself as a child. I loved my things. I used to hide my baby dolls from my cousin of a similar age but different levels of particularity. I admire that you respect her boundaries and needs 💜
What you do is such a gift to those you invite into your home. I believe you made it very clear that you felt it in your bones that you were not able to care for your children along with this child properly. Safety is paramount; do not question yourself.
My son was a difficult placement. They ended up leaving his older sister responsible for him for a lot of the time in the foster home. It really damaged their relationship
Thank you for knowing you couldn't handle it and saying something
I understand the guilt but I’m so glad you decided to do what you know you guys CAN do rather than what your gigantic heart WANTS to do for these kiddos 💕💯👏🙏👌
That’s a big distinction, thanks for putting it so clearly!
It’s such a difficult, challenging situation. Your emotion telling this tale shows how much you care. 💕
There are no mistakes only lessons learned. You did was was right for your family as well as the child xxx💕
I think you're awesome. First of all, for giving the kid a chance. Second, for realizing your limitations and acting in the best interest of both your family and the child. Third, for making this video to inform other potential foster parents of these things sometimes happening and thereby possibly preventing heartache for other families and fosters and last but certainly not least for shining such a clear light for the great need for less traditional people to start fostering these kids if they are able to accommodate special needs.
Thank you SO MUCH for going through so much to help kids. I can only imagine how much this situation scarred your heart. There are NOT enough caring, empathetic people in the world like you, who work SO HARD to make a difference in kid's lives. You didn't just kick the kid out, you gave them a warm bath, and a new outfit. That must have helped that innocent child feel so much better. Be gentle with yourself and your hubby and kids. Don't look at this as a "fail." It was just a very painful learning experience. I have all the respect and admiration in the world for what you do, and all that you've been through. God bless your family, and may Heavenly angels ALWAYS guide you.
I was a foster parent and you did nothing wrong what would of been worse and more damaging is to trying to make it work when it can't
This felt so raw and real. Thank you for sharing! I love your family!
Our first placement was an 8yo girl her 13th placement and now know she has fetal alcohol syndrome, she was so full of challenges, no in her late 40's mother of 4 children who are and have been in care and has many complex problems. We have fostered over 70 children our last in care came with complex needs, non verbal, poor mobility and many seizures a day and we also had another child with FASD, everyone wondered how we coped but it was so interesting watching their interaction, they just loved each other and understood each other's needs. Our home is now child less but so full of many memories, like the child who had done the rounds of all the region's carers because he only slept for 30min a day, my husband took over and got him sleeping through in just a week by controlled crying tecnick. Blessing to all foster carers.
Thank you for admitting you are a foster care giver and not a parent to these kids that is definitely a step in the right direction.
I Think it is amazing that you know where the challenge is to Big and what might be harmful for your family! You have my respect for choosing to say no! Your instinct was to protect your kids, yourself and the foster child!
You are to be commended for trying to support the child and that is a reflection of your huge hearts. Like you said, it’s going to happen. It will help you grow as foster parents. I have a biological child who has developmental delays and severe behaviors from a young age. The child is now 17 and has not been able to live with us for the past 5 years because of safety issues. The heartache is palpable. The guilt is real, even though it’s not logical. As much as we love this child and yearned for them, we simply weren’t capable of keeping them safe. They are making progress and we hope to have them home again at some point. They are in a therapeutic program and there is always hope. My heart breaks for all of these kids going through unimaginable things that we just can’t help them with in a comfortable home setting. God bless you for all you do.
States need to catch up with adequate assistance for special needs children, this poor child 😡, thank you for spreading awareness
Your heart is in the right place Consider more training. I think you could do this in the future.
Thank you for sharing. I hope the guilt can fade away because it sounds like you made the best decision for the child's care and that's the most important thing.💗
I've just come across your video and in now way involved with fostering children. That being said I have absolutely NO DOUBT you made the best decision for both your family and the little buttons that need placement. Self care and self preservation are key and make you stronger to make such life changing decisions. Incredibly difficult decision to have had to make...
I have a strong amount of empathy for you! As a special educator, I interact with elem age students that have behavioral challenges and mental health challenges, I likely see some of the same behaviors that you witnessed. So, no judgement. It IS a hard thing to realize that your attempts to help might harm more. I have had minimal training but from working with more experienced people, sometimes the best thing for you and the child is to walk away. And it's a matter of making a judgment call. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for such a kind comment
We would never be allowed to discuss any of the things you've ever discussed - regardless of the generalities - but I'm glad you are allowed because it can help others get it right.
That's why all of our content will be reviewed.
Thank you for sharing this experience. It's so important to be able to recognize that sometimes you aren't the right person to be able to help in a situation. You do as much as you can, but there are some things that are outside of your abilities, and that's okay.
You did the right thing, it must still have felt so awful though.
I do blame the agency, they didn't have enough information about the child and they should not have told you "they were desperate the child has nowhere to go". They may have known about the child's tendencies and just wanted a quick drop off, I've heard many stories about this happening where agencies have been very irresponsible with a child's placement, not on the foster parent's part but knowing what the child needs and failing to meet them.
Thank you guys so much for sharing your foster journey. I think this story shows how difficult it can be to know how to put the child first, and also how important it is to put the child first.
I am a single mother of 3. My oldest is an adult now. My second oldest is about to be an adult. And my youngest is a teenager. One of my children was high needs and had severe behavior challenges. I work with autistic individuals many of whom have behavior challenges. I have been doing this type of work for 20 years, so I have the skill set, training, and experience to handle such behavior...up to and including crisis intervention strategies. Even so, it was exhausting. A good day for us was if no one got hurt. It could be a day where I got nothing done. It could be a day that the house was a wreck and I got no cleaning done. It could be a day where every annoying thing happened......but as long as no one got hurt (which thankfully most days I managed to prevent injuries) it was a good day. I am not a foster parent. Of course I found ways to make our situation work because this is my child. Thankfully, we had lots of support. Even so, I spent YEARS feeling like I was at the end of my rope. Sometimes, I wonder how I made it through.
The hardest but MOST IMPORTANT thing to do is to know our limitations.....to KNOW when WE are NOT the RIGHT person to help someone. I don't know this from foster care...but just different situations throughout life that I have helped people.....I know it is very hard to accept that you can not help everyone. I still struggle with that. I know it is hard to not feel guilty, but you were nice and respectful and caring to the child for the short time they were at your home (with the caseworkers)....you gave them an outfit and a bath, and a meal. You did what you were able. And, I am sure that child will remember your kindness.
Modeling good boundaries is a success.
I'm so sorry you went through this, but also glad you were able to see this before the child or your family was harmed in any way. Blessings on your journey. Prayers for the child for healing and stability.
Thank you for sharing your story. It is hard to show things that fail or where we did not succeed. But it is SO helpful to so many people to show the good and the bad and the learning process, as you said. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing! I’m a new foster parent and this really helped me.
You did the right thing. I am a nurse that has been working in behavioral health for 10 years. Quite a few of those years were spent working with children ages 4 to 18 in the inpatient setting. Child and adolescent has always been my favorite area to work in. With the younger kids, I saw a few cases of emergency placement go wrong. Foster families either not given all the info or maybe thought they could handle it but turned out they didn't have the resources. This led a couple times to some scary situations where the child in care ended up in the inpatient setting which is horribly traumatizing for all involved. Then those children typically sit in the hospital for a long time waiting for a placement. The hospital is no long term environment for a child. He did the best we could for those kidd but they need to be integrated into the community as part of a family. Better to make that decision before you find yourself in a bad situation.
Hey girl, as someone who has had friends in foster care it's not easy, on you and on them. But you have to keep your family a priority. You did the right thing for you and your family and maybe even for the foster child. He or she might have become so overwhelmed and stimulated where you might have lost control and they ended up hurting themselves yourself or one of your kids. But you still did your absolute best to make them feel welcome and comfortable.
Awe don't feel bad I've followed you guys for a minute and you are a great loving family.Your doing the best you can.Big hugs and keep it up.
I just love you and John for being honest and thinking of the foster child’s best needs over just talking the child for the nominal fees a foster family gets!! That means you actually CARE about that child.
Please do not beat yourself up! You have such an amazing heart and did what was best for the child!
Thank you for caring so much about foster kids. I was a high needs foster and I was fortunate enough to be placed in a foster home that met my needs. I was there for two years until I was adopted. It’s people like you who are so awesome to help kids like I was.
I know I am REALLY late to this video, but wanted to tell you I think you did amazing! I'm a child welfare social worker in WA State and each state is somewhat different. Often case workers in emergency situations/placements do not even know much about the child behaviors themselves. I think you did a great job n this situation nd were totally appropriate. :-)
It's very difficult to have to admit when a placement just isn't going to work. I've been there in a kinship placement. I wanted it to work, because I truly wanted to help these kiddos. But no support had happened, I had 2 kids that were in dire need of services that the case worker was in no hurry to help. A distant family who was fighting over who should or shouldn't have the kids. It was a giant mess all around. It broke my heart, and still does when I think back on it.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You did what was best for the child. As difficult as it is to say I can't, there are necessary times to say it. Big hugs to all of you guys.
I can't imagine what that felt like as kinship
Thank you for sharing; important message and respectful.
You did the right thing. I think this is probably a skill that many new foster families do not have yet, but you will fail if you do not develop it. (Full disclosure: I say this as an outsider who has never fostered, as much as I would have loved to -- just never been in a position to be able to in my own life.) You HAVE to put your own family's needs first, and you NEED to learn to be able to discern which cases you are suited for and which cases you are not. As much as you would like to help every single one, and as much as you might feel terrible when you know how limited that child's options are, you're not actually doing anyone any favors if you damage yourself, your own family, or your ability to give yourself as fully to other children in the future by taking on too much. So major kudos to you for knowing your own limits.
I'm always struck by just how much you care for these kids. You did right by that child in not fostering them because like you said, you didn't have the training for it. And even though he wasn't going to stay you made sure the child had a bath, clothes, and dinner. You really do want what's best for these kids and its so nice to see. I'm proud of you for knowing your limits, sticking to it, but still making sure the child's needs were met before they left with the social worker. I don't think this was a failure at all - you did the best thing for the child and your own family.
Saying no to this placement is like a physiotherapist who sees a patient who needs an operation, and refers them to a surgeon, rather than trying to treat them with physiotherapy, or worse, trying to perform the surgery. It is what the patient, or in this case, the child, needs.
That's a really interesting way to put it.