I know a 9 who "leaks" his anger onto his pets. Nines NEED people that they can open up to. They do not do well on their own; they need to be loved and appreciated, and they will be generous beyond measure and have a heart of gold toward those who love them.
As a 9 I feel acceptance with life and not necessarily a fusing with other people’s ideas or agendas. When I ask myself what I want out of life, it’s very difficult to answer. It’s not there. There is no overwhelming goal or desire. This is not distressing. I mostly want friends and for my kids to thrive. It’s hard to pinpoint goals. I’m not a striver and I don’t need accolades or admiration- never have -and I see that accolades are temporary. They feed the ego. I do not need that, however I do wish I knew of something I wanted, or would like to achieve.
I am dealing with that, I have achieved most if not all I wanted or even more than I thought I was capable of and not I just let life happen to me, don’t really care to set anymore goals. I am definitely a human being now that I older instead of a human doing.
@@E3boss2003 I’m 55 now I have been doing enneagram work for about 3 years, I’m very health and have been able to balance my wings, I still feel and probably always will like I have a lot farther to go as in health they say I have positive attributes of a 3 but I’m still not motivated like 3s are, I am quite content with my life, my kids are all raised and doing well, I will retire from a career with the fire department in about 4 years with 30 years in service, I wish I could have learned this when I was younger but maybe I wasn’t ready then.. have a great day and if you have anymore questions let me know.
I raised a 9. I tapped into understanding personality as he entered highschool. It made our relationship amazing. It was so much easier to walk those last few years with him still being my child. I took what I learned of his personality and applied it. I understood his "laziness" so much better, his distractedness, his seemingly lack of care so much better. I brought him into projects in our home as a team mate, and my pal. We had a great relationship. He is the eldest of my 8 children. And was a gem of a kid. He is now married, a Christian man, and a great friend to all who know him. Very proud of him. But yes...... lol. All you say of the 9s. So so true.
I think Nines can fall into a dangerous vicious circle. They don’t want to stand out and so they are not explicitly praised or valued. This creates further anger that is expressed by isolation and passivity. Naturally, this makes them stand out even less and the spiral goes downward really fast until the fear of an unhealthy Six jolts them into action. Things can get really bad when the fear of anxiety or failure is the only thing that will get them to come out of that passivity.
I hope nobody think I am angry when I want to isolate!!! I enjoy being alone in my peaceful environment since I was young. I enjoy my autonomy and singing. Plus, I need to isolate to recharge my friendly energy. My mother did not allow me to isolate too much and gave me a social balance that saved me from being a lonely adult! She tried to save me from being a doormat, but I had to see it for myself and decide for myself that I no longer want to be a doormat anymore. I had to stand out, sometimes! Isolation gives me a break from it all!!!! 😊 I do make life changes to avoid anxiety, especially when I became aware of the causes!! Fear of failure when two ways: before, I avoided doing anything that is a risk of failure and caused my fear of failure to be a reality of more failure. Now, I try to do my best to do well in whatever I do to avoid failure and do well with positive feelings, like a 3!!!!
I don´t want to fuse my agenda with others because at the end of the day, when I'm alone, I end up feeling nothing. Yesterday I felt like that, I was not happy or sad, I just didn't feel anything. And yes, I don't know what I want in life yet.
This is so true for me as well. I can agree with people or play devil’s advocate but as soon as I’m by myself I have zero idea what I think and I hardly think at all...I’m just...there.
I just spent the last 30 minutes getting roasted… but after thinking about it and reading these comments I realize that I’m not alone haha. Being a 9 sucks at times because it’s incredibly hard to step out of our comfort zones and search ourselves. We have trouble finding out who we are and what we want in life because we are so Caught up in what makes others happy and how we need to act to fit in and be liked. We’ve gotten so good at avoiding conflict with others that we’ve become certified professionals when it comes to avoiding the conflict we feel within.
Wow I never put those two things together. Growing up, I was always submissive towards my parents. Afraid to ask for anything, afraid to ask to hang out with friends, just did what they told me because I didn't want to hear them say "no".
I’m a 9w1 who was raised by a narcissistic parent. I learned that going into sloth mode was the most effective way to survive abuse. I was hurt the most when I had attention. While this may have given me a feeling of security growing up, as an adult, I think that muting my thoughts, feelings, and desires is my own extension of that abuse.
The last part where he talks about not really wanting others to set the agenda for you actually brought me to tears. I know I don’t want that for myself, but it’s hard to break out of that. I really don’t want that for myself though.
As a 9, I would be the last one to get ready because I let everyone else use the bathroom before me, and not prioritizing my needs or valuing my own time. Then I would rush out the door bc I didn't want to keep everyone waiting. And it would hurt my feelings if someone yelled at me because the last thing a 9 wants is to be the source of conflict.
Ive recently just got into Enneagrams and realized Im a 9 and after watching this I never felt so understood as I do now. Now I know what I need to do to get out of my rut, thank you! Im in literal tears from this
I am so happy for you! That is how Don Riso and Russ Hudson made me feel. Feeling understood is a great feeling to have!!! I am always happy to meet people who took the time out to understand me. 🥰😊 Tom is an awesome person to make these videos for us!
When you basically said we need to deal with our anger or it will leak out...whoa! I always prided myself on "keeping a cool head" and not getting angry. I have felt ashamed when I notice it leaking out. Even though it's hard to hear, thank you so much for these insights. They are so eye-opening!
I’m a 9 and ever since I was little in middle school, long before looking into any of this for sure, I’ve always called myself a chameleon, pretty cool you used the same analogy!
Yes! For many years, I used the same, and my reasoning was that I'm "adaptable." Knowing now about the enneagram and my type, it's crazy I've had this 9-quality before even knowing what a 9 was!
Threes are known as chameleon. I was never one of those. I just went with the flow of others to keep the peace and avoid conflict, like a stereotypical Nine, except I knew how to entertain people as a way to achieve my goal. Haley, I agree with the term "adaptable" (the healthy form) but I have to admit, sometimes, I was a doormat to keep the peace at all costs at my expense. I was angry with myself when I became aware of it.
FIND A 4!!!! EXACTLY! I actually initially tested as a 4 because I was already moving through this growth process of self-discovery. Entirely embracing the journey of 4 from low to high seemed to be an important step to growing as a 9.
I just recently found out about enneagrams. Im still trying to learn about 9's because i took an enneagram test that said I was a 9. So far from your video I am a 9. Im passive, and I can become passive agressive. I've never really been able to express anger towards my friends. I'm usually the one who avoids conflict, who doesn't voice an opinion at the thought of arousing conflict and the easy going type that just goes with the crowd. And i think thats why im finding it a little hard to really figure out who I am, because for the longest time I've just been going with the crowd. I mean still have a lot of learning to do about 9 and myself. But thank you for your video, it's helped. 😊 P.S. I like this video because you weren't only informative but you were also human. As if you were actually talking to a close relative or a loved one hahhahaha
Welcome to discovering yourself as a 9! Uncertainty, of our types is perfectly normal behavior for Nines!!!!!! I was the same way as you described!!! What helped me to change is following the Recommendations of Riso and Hudson. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find them and be patient with yourself!!!! www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9
Thank you, Dr.LaHue! I will be 60 on May 1, and I’m a 9 who really want’s to live MY life and not merge. I’ve been married 36 years, my three children are grown adults, and I’m an only child. I’ve been merging all my life making sure I’m not disconnected. Well, I’m moving into a new decade of my life and I want to live MY life. The one that God has planned for me! It’s time to go pick some apples! 🍎 Thanks again.
as a nine i've always been really consious of when i am being a burden or not, i just make it seem like i'm unaware because i really don't have much control over the thing i'm being a burden about which is typicaly my lack of motivation or laziness. i don't know if this also applies to other nines but yes i am very aware of moments where i am a burden to others and i do feel really bad about it
I think I get stuck in my outhouse because I actually don't mind being in it. I think sometimes I actually forget I'm in it. "Oh yeah, I forgot I'm sitting on top of crap." Things have to get REALLY bad before I start moving.
The last bit about 4 s be helpful to a 9 is so true. My husband is a 4 and I’m a 9 and he has really helped me to wake up to the things I’m interested in and do my own soul searching. 9s go find yourself a 4!
The "putting a lid on it" and "sloth" analogies were spot on. As many have commented, some of the advice may sound harsh or like a tough dad, but it's what I needed to hear today. - a procrastinating 9
Oh my goodness when you started talking about how nine's feel about other people, that we think they can be ignorant but you just better find a way to work around it. DANG. I felt so called out. Honestly, this whole video has been a real eye-opener to both my passive-aggressive nature and my tendency to bury my needs until they explode. It's not healthy! Thank you for these videos, and thank you for your work in the world.
I spend a bunch of time diving into vision boards and drawing together things that interest me because I do get lost in that matrix if I don't have goal posts and directions that I want to walk in. Thank you again for this video. I'm going to work on getting out of the mud :)
I think a good response to the question of “why can’t I live this way if I want?” Is because it’s coming from a place of fear. And operating from a fully fearful place isn’t what we want for the people in our lives. Of course people can still make whatever decisions they want but ultimately if I see people in my life who are mostly making decisions due to fear, I’m going to wish more for them because that’s what love and care looks like. If the people in my life are okay with me being in my negative 4 place all the time and operating in that fear/shame, then I’d question how much they really care. When you love people you want them to be free of their own chains.
As a 9, going along with what others want has led to me losing my identity over time. My life can be all about my husband and kids lives and not my own interests and joys. Figuring out how to find myself and express what I prefer is important for personal development in relationships.
@MrReedux I agree with you! I was too oblivious to understand on my own. We need people like Tom to wake us up in a more loving sort of way! My mother tried, but I could not hear her because her words were too harsh!!!
Thank you so much for this video! I realised so many things and today was no longer scared to show my anger to two persons who were disrespectful to me. It was a great feeling finally not to be afraid of a conflict. Bless you!
Wow. Thank you. Been sleeping for 41 years going along with what’s happening. Haven’t really stopped to ask the hard questions of what I want for myself and life. Now going through things and have to figure it out. Wasn’t until recent that I discovered my type and why. Now I need to move forward. You nailed me to a t and that was good. Thank you. Got some searching to do now.
Pay attention to your own passion in actions and inner voice that is yours alone. That helped me when I was ready for this part of my life after a lot of healing.
I am a 9, married to an 8, sister is a 1, with 2 boys4&5. I am surrounded by beautiful healthy people and I absolutely love that my life merges with them all. So I can understand those that say there is nothing wrong with being the spectator. However, there was a time in my life where I woke up to the dangers of that mentality and I learned to surround myself with those that are healthy and beneficial to me and not a detriment. I can rest in that spectator position because I’ve put in the work to align myself with those that benefit me and I regularly keep a check on my relationships with those in my life that don’t. Thank you for your help in understanding me better!
When I went to Mississippi, I experienced the outhouse. He speaks the truth about it! It was a culture shock for me, the city girl who only knew toilets in bathrooms. Outhouses are stinky and disgusting!!!!!! 🤢🤮. 😆🤪
As a 9. I can agree about the traits of an unhealthy 9. There was one time that I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of at work and I just lost it. I became full of anxiety until it went to full depression and failed to show up at work for 2 weeks. Literally AWOL. I didn't realize I held everyone up because I was just always the follower. I didn't actually think that what I did actually mattered. When I finally went back, then that is when I realized I messed up the whole process.
My sister shared this video with me as I just discovered that I was a 9 yesterday. It's as if I'm being described here perfectly. I lost my wife last year to a long struggle with Lupus and I've been trying to get my life back together. I actually thought I was a six at first until I took a test. The description of being in the outhouse of a 6 and struggling to be more of a 3 is totally a perfect message for me and is giving me some much needed hope and understanding. Thank you for sharing this with so much depth.
At 59 I wish I could have known about this sooner. I left my marriage of 32 years and feel like I'm sorting through things. This all hits close to home!
What amazes me is that a 7 has the patience to study other personality types!!! How come u are not out there looking for the next pleasure? A new toy?... a new body? Brilliant analysis of the 9. Many thanks. 9w8 :)
Thanks, again for speaking truth from your heart! My partner in life is a 9, I'm a 4 and I think I have helped him achieve his goals, and also figure out what he wants in life. In exchange, he has helped me stay calm in times of chaos. The palm tree analogy resonates ;)
I have mistyped myself as a 2 for years but did not at all relate to the wanting to be needed aspect of a 2. This video gave me such a good perspective on what a 9 is instead of being lazy, undriven and easy going. The way you showed how a 9 can reach up to a 3 and dip down to a 6 .... just made it so clear to me.
This is so interesting. I’ve only just begun to look in to Enniagrams. I’m a 9w1 and my husband is a 4w3, it’s been a real eye opener in terms of understanding our relationship and our roles within it. I most certainly have been casually water skiing behind his powerboat, he’s a hugely brave and creative person who makes me want to be my best self. I have also been very happy to be the facilitator and home maker whilst he’s achieving great things. I never thought about how I had never really known ‘me’ and what I like until I started counselling a year ago. There are times when I’m exhausted by his lust for life just want to go to sleep to the energy and ‘mess’ that he invites (my favourite word is comfort) but I’m so grateful for my 4, who’s really taught me so much. Thank you for your insights 😊
I'm a 9w1. Most of the time I'm fairly stable and within the average to healthy side of a 9. But with all this craziness surrounding COVID-19, social distancing, and everything else that's going on, I feel like I've been bouncing back and forth between the high/low of 9 on a nearly daily/every other day basis. There will be a days where I'm very productive, getting work done (within 48 hours of the shutdown in California I figured out how to teach my Sunday School class online), and engaged with life and then there will be a days where it takes nearly all my effort to get up and eat and I have now idea if I should scream at or hide from life. But then something happens, usually a conversation with a friend, and then I'm out of that rut, until the cycle decides to repeat itself again after a few days. Your comment about finding a 4 is quite true as the conversations I've had with a friend of that personality type have been extremely helping in me to understand who I am.
Wow, this is so spot on! I have spurts of moments where I can be really productive, and many other times where I feel that unproductiveness you talked about. The latter half is something I hate staying in, although it feels so comfortable, yet I often don't feel like I can climb out of that state when I'm in it. Productivity for me tends to happen when I leap into a task in order to hit the ground running.
Thanks for sharing, Marjorie!!!! I have days I am more productive and days I am struggling to get anything done!!! Maybe today, I will try something different even though I have edema from this weekend. And it is so comfortable, I agree Haley! Thanks for saying it out loud, so I can be more aware of my addiction to being comfortable! I need to get up and leap into a task with a distraction to provide comfort to my ears!! Thanks, you both have been helpful. I just need to work on a routine for the pandemic and avoid comfort until Dr Phil comes on at 3. Thanks again! We can do it when we actively try. 😉
i am a 9 and i’ve just discovered this about myself in the lowest low point of my outhouse. i cried throughout this entire 32 minutes video because i have never felt so understood. it all makes sense but i still feel so deep into the unhealthy version of 9 that any thoughts of getting better seem daunting and impossible
Having been adopted and having struggled with reactive attachment disorder this really hits the nail on the head for me. There were times i felt like I was wrestling between being a creative artist and being a dutiful soldier. Recently in the last few years I've done a good job of balancing the swings between my feelings as well as verbally communicate with those around me how I'm feeling. There were years after I graduated college that I spent time in my "outhouse" and in depression. I was frozen in time. But thankfully with the help of family, friends, and God I have been able to get the ball rolling. Right now I'm working 2 jobs, working on becoming a professional golf instructor and hopefully some time next year becoming a golf club professional, which I'm super excited about! All that to say, to all my fellow 9's you got this! You are seen and heard! You're doing great! And you will do great things! Let me add a quote my therapist told me a long time ago and I think he was quoting something else when he said it but it was "a ship is safe at harbor but that's not what ships are for". Also also Mr lahue, it's very cool you went to Grace for your mdiv, I went there for my undergrad and was there for a year and a half working on a masters in counseling! Small world!
Thank you for the video. This video has shown me how much I have accomplished as a 9. More than I ever give myself credit for. I'm finally a healthy 9 and reach into the 3 a lot. A planner has changed my life. I check off what needs to be done.
I love how organized your videos are! I’m a nine and my husband is an eight, so I tend to want to navigate to those videos in order to understand our personalities better. Also, you are excellent at explaining all things enneagram! Thank you!!!
@25:00 very true in regards to anger, I was getting snappy with people close to me and then felt bad about it, but it was because else was hurting and I had no way of expressing it
You're getting pretty good at understanding the different types. When you said, quoting a nine, "if I want to be a spectator and fuse my will with someone else, then why is that a problem," I was taken aback by how much you understood what that means. I know that's not the way you see the world but you're taking another's perception really seriously. Most people don't stop and think about how another's perception can be debilitating. It's easy to say "I'm not experiencing that pain so I don't understand what your problem is." I don't make sense.
Silently fume! Agreeing to something with no intention of actually doing it! Being last in the car because I just had to do something last minute, this is so accurate when I’ve been working too hard, or too many late nights, I just can’t push forward with my energy, and other people are making me do things when I need to recharge. You’re also accurate when I’m too low for too long, my energy kicks back in to move me.
You have described my husband in detail. I have lived with my type 9 husband for 10 years. Whatever the absolute opposite of a 9 is that is me. I never understood why people call this type the peace making type because I never feel like issues are resolved. He wants no conflict ever. How can you experience peace unless you resolve issues? That's not peace making; that's peace faking. A degree of conflict is necessary to achieve peace.
I agree, I'd also look further into the sp, so, sx variants. If he's an sp/so like me, balance is important to maintain our internal harmony or peace. I tend to hold onto the familiar because its a safe place, it's what I know I can handle and once I'm in balance I feel like I can take on anything, but life isn't a peaceful calm lake, its a storm, so I constantly have to fight to stay in balance to keep my boat afloat. It's one of the reasons I think we're so against conflict, it disrupts our balance and the balance of those around us. Keeping balance is inside is a full time job, and if you add external factors throwing wrenches into our plans, it can get downright frustrating. But since we don't want to trouble anyone or add further conflict to others or ourselves we suck it up and avoid confrontation all the while disassociating from our feelings, which may cause conflict for others if we release them (why do unto others what we don't want done to ourselves?) but its all still there and it can build up as a lot of frustration and anger which eventually comes out subconsciously as passive aggressiveness. It's an exhausting process. As a coping mechanism we may try to hoard what little peace we can by holding tight to familiar habits or things that bring us some comfort, but often enough they aren't the most helpful things to hold onto. Sp 9s can be creatures of habit.(I eat chocolate everyday and I have an slightly unhealthy attachment to the computer as antidepressant.-__-) I tend avoid or creep slowly into big changes if I can, if I'm thrown into those changes I can take a while to re orient myself (months or years) and facing conflict or breaking habits or losing relationships as it can feel like you're trying to peel your own skin off, your protective layer, only to be left completely vulnerable...whilst navigating in a storm and what's underneath...There's a reason why 9's have problems typing ourselves. We spend so much time and energy trying to keep balance with the factors around us that we neglect what's inside us. We're not present to ourselves and if we've been in that state of numbness for a while, can you blame us for not wanting to be? We're either stuck in the past or wondering for the future that's not even real yet and its a hard and long process to start afresh in the present. I'd say be patient with him and encourage him to be open minded and to try to find out why people react the way they do. He will have to learn to face and accept conflict and his anger, not as the danger that we first perceive it as but as tools for growth that can help show him what is going on around and within him and also help him learn how to react to it. I was finally forced into confronting my anger after losing a loved one. I hope he will have an easier time. It's a big lesson to learn that we always have a choice when dealing with emotions and feelings and that we might need a big change in perception. While I have learnt a lot from avoiding and staying quiet during arguments, I have found there is still a lot to learn from anger itself. Show him that anger is not just dangerous explosive energy but a reaction or result. A secondary emotion that springs from underlying issues and thoughts. It can be caused by fear, sadness, trauma, anxiety or grief, guilt, shame, crossed boundaries, worry, love, all sorts of things. As for building up self, we already have a pretty good idea of what we don't like. Self exploration can help take care of the rest and doing physical things is great for staying present. But it's up to him to realize that he has "fallen asleep" to himself to take the initiative to "wake up." From there it's his journey to take. We can't be present if there is nothing in us to be "present" for. "Present for what?" is something I often find myself asking myself blinking through mental haze. Which is why it seems safer to stay where we are. If you stand for nothing you fall for anything. So it's better to keep to what I know. But once my anxieties have calmed down, I'm present and I feel like have a grasp on how to deal with my anger and the conflict around me and I find a goal to work towards, I move into 3. ( Please note that this is just my personal perception on enneagram and myself as an "unhealthy" 9w1 INFP from what I've learnt though youtube videos like this and the Personality cafe forum. Observe your husband and move to suit as he is probably quite different from me depending on his personal experiences, level of mental health, his trifixes and cognitive functions. Hope this helped anyway. I felt like I worded some stuff poorly *hides face*) But I'd definitely call myself a peace keeper rather than a peacemaker..
Wow, thank you. As a wife and step mother (and teacher) to 9s this is very illuminating and helpful to me. In the “defense” of 9s I can see how my spouse is like a 6 in terms of being action oriented in that being driven by fear - however - how it is “performed” is by being responsible performing the important tasks of responsibilities. “What do we need to be secure? How can we be prepared for this disaster? What could go wrong? What aren’t we being told by authorities? (Skeptic) and getting the ducks in a row to avoid disaster. As an aspiring Enneagram coach, this helps me discern the difference between fear based action of 9 versus the get the time so list done 1. Very helpful. Your articulation of neighbors and moving to the out house and apple orchard are wonderful metaphors which aid in clearer understanding in a fun way. 😎 You’re a wonderful teacher. Being your student is eye opening in a fun and profoundly helpful way. Yay.
This is a good video (9 here). I like that you don't edit (keep cutting and clipping). It's as if we get a good, long talk from you. The analogy works well. Thank you (from an Aussie).
I’m a 9w1 and married myself a 4w5! We’ve both been so so happy together! I chuckled when you said us 9’s need to find a 4! I’m so glad I found my 4! Also, I find that I’m so much more sluggish when I’m physically in pain. When I’m hurting, I don’t sleep well (I need lots of sleep...) and I just hurt all day and mentally exhausted. I’m really working to physically get well so I can be totally healthy as a 9!
Making people late from time to time is the smallest of all the problems of the world, Dr Lahue! 9’s are precious gems! They balance the world’s madness. We are so lucky to have them! 🙏❤️🌸
Thank you Dr. Tom to learn more about myself. Sometimes I have to push myself or more often have to be thrown into a situation where I have to do a project. It is scary, but once I have actually finished the project and I feel so wonderfully alive! Now I understand why and maybe how to move myself towards that 3...sometimes. Overall, I do like being a nine because that is how I feel most comfortable. I'm going to watch your video "Help for Type 9's" to see if you have advice on how to learn to make my own decisions and how to know what it is that I want.
Many of my closest friends are 9's. I am a type 4. I love them dearly - especially because they totally accept me and my uniqueness. Now I know how to help them, too. Thanks!
Love what you say about suppressed feelings leaking out-- not sure if this is a Positive Outlook triad thing, or true of the whole enneagram. You mentioned you thought that would be worth a video-- just wanted to say, I'd love to watch that video for all the types, or whichever it applies to!
Also: yeah, 9 here, really appreciating the real talk about how 9s can cause trouble in our own lives and for others. We can TAKE IT. And we need the reality check. Some advice for 9 is a little too soft IMO. So, it's tough to swallow, but appreciate it so much.
THANK YOU DR. TOM!!!!!! You nailed it!!!! 9s either don't know the damage they can do to other people or they are very Insidious. LOL Masterpiece video.
On a spiritual retreat focusing on one’s foundational sin, mine came up as “sloth.” I got mad and wrote in my journal, “This needs another word. I am NOT lazy!” Then meeting with the retreat leader before I said anything, he said, “There’s a better word than lazy or slothful. It is “acedia,” a Greek word that indicates, “what difference does it make? Futility, depression-why try?” Exactly. And the antidote? Zeal, enthusiasm for the task. Thank you for your videos. They are helpful.
"Dormant volcano" describes me so well. This goes a bit hand in hand with the No More Mr Nice Guy, where dr Robert Glover - stating that Nice Guys are the only ones keeping track of doing things for other people through "covert contracts". When the maths don't "add up", since other people were not aware of the covert contract - I (both as Enneagram 9 and Nice Guy) can explode.
15:53 I never really thought about it but holy crap, growing up I was always the last one in the car to get to church bc I was just going about my business getting ready at my own pace 🤭
I’ve been to the apple orchard and had a lot of success. A career setback rocked what I thought was my identity and I’m down in the outhouse now, and it feels like the walls are closing in. Not a good place to be.
I just stumbled upon this video out of curiosity, as I’ve taken the Enneagram test four times. Funnily enough I got 9 twice, then a 6, and then 1. This video kind of knocked my socks off, so to speak. What an excellent video, and it hit so close to home. 👍🏻.
I don’t know how it happened but when I fell to my knees and surrendered to God 4 years ago and all the rage just bubbled up after a really horrible event in my life, I process that trauma for almost a year cry my eyes out and felt EVERYTHING ! every day and ever since I’ve been so in touch with my anger and actually brings me great pleasure to release it and I’ve become actually a very easily angered person so now I have to work on releasing the anger so it doesn’t impact anybody l. So I hide away from the person who angered me, until the anger is released and no longer feel anger toward that person. . I’m 9w1 mostly sometimes w8. Anger feels delicious like a dessert. Now. And I taught myself all the tools to release the energy from my body and return to a state of peace and calm relatively quickly with complete forgiveness for the person who triggered me and infuriated me. Moving away from Enneagram low vibration behavior is 100% possible!!! ❤🎉😊
It's incredible how you've transformed your relationship with anger! Acknowledging and processing those feelings is such a powerful journey. Keep embracing that growth!
I am E4. My husband E9. I love all you talked about E4 and now I am loving what you says for E9. I shared this video to my loved husband. I hope this helps him. Thank you very much to share a very complete information with love, fun and respect. Love your channel.
It feels very good to see this video ! Glad that someone could really and actually understand me ‘ everything that you said is very trueeeeeee ! Thank you so much
I’ve witnessed the health of my spouse 9 as an accomplished accompanist in performance art. Merging with great musicians to kick the virtuosity and expression of a performing group up sky high. For example improvising alongside a poet, as a jazz musician aiding the soloist here and being the soloist there within the groups artistry. What I would say he wants is the thrill of being a contributing and valuable artist within a group experience. That’s what he wants - I think - To merge with an ensemble as a co creator or a sublime experience, and to be cherished for being part of that circle of friends, artists, family of creators. It also gives him A sky for his wings and stage for his voice. What I love about 9 performers is that they merge with the art and give themselves to the art. In performance it’s about the art not them. 9s make great artists within ensembles. I’ve witnessed 9s in family be excellent by creating more harmonious families because they want to be a cherished member in the family and cherish their family and because they WANT a family and want to enjoy being lived and valued in it.
This is so good. 👍 I have a request if you read this.. I’d really like to know your take on the gap between the 4 and 5. The abyss.. dark night of the soul.. the yin to 9 yang. A video on this would be awesome. 😊
As a 9, i AM in the game of life, Tom! Listening to you brings anger up in me: who are YOU to decide what 9 should do? or what position to play on "the team"? I like, LIKE, playing fullback or guard, not in limelight like you or other go-getters, but i sure DO hava part to play, the very role GOD GAVE ME, not you or any system or program of personality dissection. Ouch, man! OUCH! OUCHEE-WOWWAAAHHH! Perhaps my outburst means i am in the outhouse, and yeah, sometimes ya gotta let it out, dump the compost. And sometimes, 9 gotta stick up for self and say what is true. I am glad to be 9, to be backgrounder, to be holding the outer edges of the nest together...
Dr. Tom it is like you know me personally... This is seriously top notch content and deep insight into type nine. You are amazing!! Could you also please make a video or let us know a few concrete steps pertaining to daily lives that we can do to reach our Cabins from out House and later even go uphill. That'll be so helpful.. Thank you and I totally respect your knowledge.
Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been in the outhouse for a while and I’m ready to start taking those steps towards 3. I’m excited to try again gosh thank you so much
Very helpful video! Both informative and encouraging! First time looking into this and doing the enneagram test and I'm a type 9 (98% match). And this video is amazing! It's like he knows me! lol
This is such truth. Now I am super aware that I am a type 9, I see myself in this so much. I am classically easy going and also can really get stuck in the mud and lose myself. Thank you for this wisdom.
I came across this video randomly, but I am a 9 and this was really powerful. Thank you, and I know how strange this will sound to anyone who isn’t a 9, but thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to be me and that that’s really what my friends and loved ones want from and for me.
@3:40 In my youth I was always the quiet, easy going, never caused any trouble type of kid. However I had a tendency to gravitate towards the more rebellious types because it was always something I desired within myself. Anyways while hanging out with one of these "friends", skipping class. One of them had shoplifted an action figure from a store we where hanging out in and quickly passed it a long to me. I didn't know what to do and went along and got caught. It was one of the worst days of my life because I got severely punished for it, I went through a beating verbally and physically. Despite all that I never ratted my friends out even though he wouldn't have done the same for me. This ruined my relationship with my dad whom prior to this I was the gleam in his eye but since then I've been nothing but a disappointment, a pariah. I'm by far not the ideal person, I haven't had much success in life but I've never fallen into anything negative like criminal behavior or doing anything remotely bad and yet my dad always compared me to such people. I lived with this throughout my adulthood, being there for him in times of need and not moving onto my own, til his death. So that's my story of the negative aspects of being a 9
I'm a nine. Of course I love being in my 3, but find I have no way to get there on my own... It happens (3) at random times and when it happens I feel I only have a brief period of time to take advantage of it. Any clues on how to conciously get to the 3 state?
i am definitely a nine! i tend to voice my opinion, but if it got heated, i backed out immediately, but in all honesty i'm okay with that. I'm well aware of it for a long time and accept it for who i am. But like you said, sometimes i feel shit about myself for what i've done. and a three definitely help a lot, and sometimes even a five can help me with their harsh word. i tend to being suspicious of all the people around me, but none of them realize it, because that's who we are, we are carefree, easygoing, a pleaser and people's people, we kept it to ourself to always be vigilant of our surrounding so that we won't got into unnecessary conflict, not because we're anti-social or something.
When you said that affirmation about owning that we as 9s want to fuse with others, and that we want to go along with everybody, I felt disgusted. I don't want that for myself. I think God put me on this Earth for a reason, and to go along with the wishes of others is a slap to the face of the Creator. Thank you Tom.
Nine here or at least I think I am. I grew up in a family with a lot of conflict as a child and often I would get hit with the friendly fire so to speak. This made me in social situations be the peacemaker or become invisible when I couldn't make peace. It almost made me not look out for myself because I would find people fight over their own wants and needs so I always let got pushed back to the end of line because I prefer the peace of not having to fight and just adapted to enjoying what I could get. That's how i've lived my life but for some that trait makes them angry at me.
2 months ago someone told me about Enneagrams an I have been reading an watching teachings I took one of those quick test to see where I fit actually I took it three times I was kind confused. I stumbled some would say but I think God directed me to your teachings on you tube , they were so very helpful you were some good at explaining I had to laugh at some of your examples cause it was so right on . I wanted to thank you!! I now I know I am a 9 I thought for a while I was a 2 or a one but kept going back to the nine you made it so clear. It was really helpful to watch your teaching on coaching a 9w1 . Thank you very much keep up the great work very much appreciated!
I took the test about 5 years ago and was told that I was a Type 2. After watching your video on 2's, it didn't feel like a fit. I care about people, but it didn't feel like me. So I just took the test again. And it said I was a 9. WHAT?? Is it possible to change Types?? Couldn't believe it. SO I watched every minute of this video and it describes me TO A T. "If you don't let it out, it will leak out." WOW. I was in tears by the end. Thank you for helping me understand myself a little bit better.
I know a 9 who "leaks" his anger onto his pets. Nines NEED people that they can open up to. They do not do well on their own; they need to be loved and appreciated, and they will be generous beyond measure and have a heart of gold toward those who love them.
Once I finally decided to vent my anger and put it all out there, I became a much better person and so much closer to everyone around me 💕
As a 9 I feel acceptance with life and not necessarily a fusing with other people’s ideas or agendas. When I ask myself what I want out of life, it’s very difficult to answer. It’s not there. There is no overwhelming goal or desire. This is not distressing. I mostly want friends and for my kids to thrive. It’s hard to pinpoint goals. I’m not a striver and I don’t need accolades or admiration- never have -and I see that accolades are temporary. They feed the ego. I do not need that, however I do wish I knew of something I wanted, or would like to achieve.
I am dealing with that, I have achieved most if not all I wanted or even more than I thought I was capable of and not I just let life happen to me, don’t really care to set anymore goals. I am definitely a human being now that I older instead of a human doing.
@@MrFireman164 At what age did ur life turn for the better? Just a reference for me
@@E3boss2003 I’m 55 now I have been doing enneagram work for about 3 years, I’m very health and have been able to balance my wings, I still feel and probably always will like I have a lot farther to go as in health they say I have positive attributes of a 3 but I’m still not motivated like 3s are, I am quite content with my life, my kids are all raised and doing well, I will retire from a career with the fire department in about 4 years with 30 years in service, I wish I could have learned this when I was younger but maybe I wasn’t ready then.. have a great day and if you have anymore questions let me know.
@@MrFireman164 Big up yh everything happens for reason
I am a 9. I found sufism (poet Rumi's path) and i found true Love, Peace, Harmony. When i am lost, i sit and sufi meditate and i find my purpose.
I raised a 9.
I tapped into understanding personality as he entered highschool.
It made our relationship amazing. It was so much easier to walk those last few years with him still being my child.
I took what I learned of his personality and applied it.
I understood his "laziness" so much better, his distractedness, his seemingly lack of care so much better.
I brought him into projects in our home as a team mate, and my pal. We had a great relationship.
He is the eldest of my 8 children. And was a gem of a kid.
He is now married, a Christian man, and a great friend to all who know him.
Very proud of him. But yes...... lol. All you say of the 9s. So so true.
Great. Your amazing.
God bless you!!! 🙏🏽🥰
I think Nines can fall into a dangerous vicious circle. They don’t want to stand out and so they are not explicitly praised or valued. This creates further anger that is expressed by isolation and passivity. Naturally, this makes them stand out even less and the spiral goes downward really fast until the fear of an unhealthy Six jolts them into action. Things can get really bad when the fear of anxiety or failure is the only thing that will get them to come out of that passivity.
This is so me...
Wow, I've never felt more understood. Amazingly put.
I hope nobody think I am angry when I want to isolate!!! I enjoy being alone in my peaceful environment since I was young. I enjoy my autonomy and singing. Plus, I need to isolate to recharge my friendly energy.
My mother did not allow me to isolate too much and gave me a social balance that saved me from being a lonely adult! She tried to save me from being a doormat, but I had to see it for myself and decide for myself that I no longer want to be a doormat anymore. I had to stand out, sometimes! Isolation gives me a break from it all!!!! 😊
I do make life changes to avoid anxiety, especially when I became aware of the causes!! Fear of failure when two ways: before, I avoided doing anything that is a risk of failure and caused my fear of failure to be a reality of more failure. Now, I try to do my best to do well in whatever I do to avoid failure and do well with positive feelings, like a 3!!!!
I don´t want to fuse my agenda with others because at the end of the day, when I'm alone, I end up feeling nothing. Yesterday I felt like that, I was not happy or sad, I just didn't feel anything. And yes, I don't know what I want in life yet.
This is so true for me as well. I can agree with people or play devil’s advocate but as soon as I’m by myself I have zero idea what I think and I hardly think at all...I’m just...there.
I just spent the last 30 minutes getting roasted… but after thinking about it and reading these comments I realize that I’m not alone haha. Being a 9 sucks at times because it’s incredibly hard to step out of our comfort zones and search ourselves. We have trouble finding out who we are and what we want in life because we are so Caught up in what makes others happy and how we need to act to fit in and be liked. We’ve gotten so good at avoiding conflict with others that we’ve become certified professionals when it comes to avoiding the conflict we feel within.
It's like the "good kids" of the family who just do what their parents want, even in their adulthood.
Wow I never put those two things together. Growing up, I was always submissive towards my parents. Afraid to ask for anything, afraid to ask to hang out with friends, just did what they told me because I didn't want to hear them say "no".
I’m a 9w1 who was raised by a narcissistic parent. I learned that going into sloth mode was the most effective way to survive abuse. I was hurt the most when I had attention. While this may have given me a feeling of security growing up, as an adult, I think that muting my thoughts, feelings, and desires is my own extension of that abuse.
Yep same boat
The last part where he talks about not really wanting others to set the agenda for you actually brought me to tears. I know I don’t want that for myself, but it’s hard to break out of that. I really don’t want that for myself though.
As a 9, I would be the last one to get ready because I let everyone else use the bathroom before me, and not prioritizing my needs or valuing my own time. Then I would rush out the door bc I didn't want to keep everyone waiting. And it would hurt my feelings if someone yelled at me because the last thing a 9 wants is to be the source of conflict.
So spot on. Therapy is helping me not to let life pass me by.
Ive recently just got into Enneagrams and realized Im a 9 and after watching this I never felt so understood as I do now. Now I know what I need to do to get out of my rut, thank you! Im in literal tears from this
I am so happy for you! That is how Don Riso and Russ Hudson made me feel. Feeling understood is a great feeling to have!!! I am always happy to meet people who took the time out to understand me. 🥰😊 Tom is an awesome person to make these videos for us!
HUGS!!!
Yes!!! He has nailed my personality to a tea!!!
When you basically said we need to deal with our anger or it will leak out...whoa! I always prided myself on "keeping a cool head" and not getting angry. I have felt ashamed when I notice it leaking out. Even though it's hard to hear, thank you so much for these insights. They are so eye-opening!
I’m a 9 and ever since I was little in middle school, long before looking into any of this for sure, I’ve always called myself a chameleon, pretty cool you used the same analogy!
Yes! For many years, I used the same, and my reasoning was that I'm "adaptable." Knowing now about the enneagram and my type, it's crazy I've had this 9-quality before even knowing what a 9 was!
Interesting!
Threes are known as chameleon. I was never one of those. I just went with the flow of others to keep the peace and avoid conflict, like a stereotypical Nine, except I knew how to entertain people as a way to achieve my goal.
Haley, I agree with the term "adaptable" (the healthy form) but I have to admit, sometimes, I was a doormat to keep the peace at all costs at my expense. I was angry with myself when I became aware of it.
FIND A 4!!!! EXACTLY! I actually initially tested as a 4 because I was already moving through this growth process of self-discovery. Entirely embracing the journey of 4 from low to high seemed to be an important step to growing as a 9.
I’m a 4 and my little girl is a 9. I help her own her voice and she helps me learn to compromise. It’s funny how different we are, but it’s awesome!
I just recently found out about enneagrams. Im still trying to learn about 9's because i took an enneagram test that said I was a 9. So far from your video I am a 9. Im passive, and I can become passive agressive. I've never really been able to express anger towards my friends. I'm usually the one who avoids conflict, who doesn't voice an opinion at the thought of arousing conflict and the easy going type that just goes with the crowd. And i think thats why im finding it a little hard to really figure out who I am, because for the longest time I've just been going with the crowd. I mean still have a lot of learning to do about 9 and myself. But thank you for your video, it's helped. 😊 P.S. I like this video because you weren't only informative but you were also human. As if you were actually talking to a close relative or a loved one hahhahaha
Glad you found my channel. Thanks for the kind words.
Welcome to discovering yourself as a 9! Uncertainty, of our types is perfectly normal behavior for Nines!!!!!! I was the same way as you described!!! What helped me to change is following the Recommendations of Riso and Hudson. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find them and be patient with yourself!!!!
www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9
Thank you, Dr.LaHue! I will be 60 on May 1, and I’m a 9 who really want’s to live MY life and not merge. I’ve been married 36 years, my three children are grown adults, and I’m an only child. I’ve been merging all my life making sure I’m not disconnected. Well, I’m moving into a new decade of my life and I want to live MY life. The one that God has planned for me! It’s time to go pick some apples! 🍎 Thanks again.
as a nine i've always been really consious of when i am being a burden or not, i just make it seem like i'm unaware because i really don't have much control over the thing i'm being a burden about which is typicaly my lack of motivation or laziness. i don't know if this also applies to other nines but yes i am very aware of moments where i am a burden to others and i do feel really bad about it
I think I get stuck in my outhouse because I actually don't mind being in it. I think sometimes I actually forget I'm in it.
"Oh yeah, I forgot I'm sitting on top of crap."
Things have to get REALLY bad before I start moving.
Awesome. I laughed out loud at this comment. Blessings.
My hubby lives in that outhouse wish he would listen to this video...very helpful for those of us who love 9s
The last bit about 4 s be helpful to a 9 is so true. My husband is a 4 and I’m a 9 and he has really helped me to wake up to the things I’m interested in and do my own soul searching. 9s go find yourself a 4!
I guess, a 4 helped me too. Don Riso co-founder of Enneagram Institute!
The "putting a lid on it" and "sloth" analogies were spot on. As many have commented, some of the advice may sound harsh or like a tough dad, but it's what I needed to hear today.
- a procrastinating 9
Oh my goodness when you started talking about how nine's feel about other people, that we think they can be ignorant but you just better find a way to work around it. DANG. I felt so called out. Honestly, this whole video has been a real eye-opener to both my passive-aggressive nature and my tendency to bury my needs until they explode. It's not healthy! Thank you for these videos, and thank you for your work in the world.
I spend a bunch of time diving into vision boards and drawing together things that interest me because I do get lost in that matrix if I don't have goal posts and directions that I want to walk in.
Thank you again for this video. I'm going to work on getting out of the mud :)
I think a good response to the question of “why can’t I live this way if I want?” Is because it’s coming from a place of fear. And operating from a fully fearful place isn’t what we want for the people in our lives. Of course people can still make whatever decisions they want but ultimately if I see people in my life who are mostly making decisions due to fear, I’m going to wish more for them because that’s what love and care looks like. If the people in my life are okay with me being in my negative 4 place all the time and operating in that fear/shame, then I’d question how much they really care. When you love people you want them to be free of their own chains.
Very well put.
As a 9, going along with what others want has led to me losing my identity over time. My life can be all about my husband and kids lives and not my own interests and joys. Figuring out how to find myself and express what I prefer is important for personal development in relationships.
Thanks for helping me understand my type 9 teenage daughter!
Awesome
@MrReedux I'm a 9 and wish this was how I had been parented as a teenager.
God we need more parents like you 😞
@MrReedux I agree with you! I was too oblivious to understand on my own. We need people like Tom to wake us up in a more loving sort of way! My mother tried, but I could not hear her because her words were too harsh!!!
@@stephanieraetrahant436 ME TOO!!!!!!!! 😱
Thank you so much for this video! I realised so many things and today was no longer scared to show my anger to two persons who were disrespectful to me. It was a great feeling finally not to be afraid of a conflict. Bless you!
Rawr. >:3
Wow. Thank you. Been sleeping for 41 years going along with what’s happening. Haven’t really stopped to ask the hard questions of what I want for myself and life. Now going through things and have to figure it out. Wasn’t until recent that I discovered my type and why. Now I need to move forward. You nailed me to a t and that was good. Thank you. Got some searching to do now.
Pay attention to your own passion in actions and inner voice that is yours alone. That helped me when I was ready for this part of my life after a lot of healing.
I'm in the same age span and just discovered I am a 9. Curious about your progress. Would appreciate if you would share. Cheers!
I am a 9, married to an 8, sister is a 1, with 2 boys4&5. I am surrounded by beautiful healthy people and I absolutely love that my life merges with them all. So I can understand those that say there is nothing wrong with being the spectator. However, there was a time in my life where I woke up to the dangers of that mentality and I learned to surround myself with those that are healthy and beneficial to me and not a detriment. I can rest in that spectator position because I’ve put in the work to align myself with those that benefit me and I regularly keep a check on my relationships with those in my life that don’t. Thank you for your help in understanding me better!
“you need to go to your outhouse that’s where you get relief” oh my goodness
When I went to Mississippi, I experienced the outhouse. He speaks the truth about it! It was a culture shock for me, the city girl who only knew toilets in bathrooms. Outhouses are stinky and disgusting!!!!!! 🤢🤮.
😆🤪
As a 9. I can agree about the traits of an unhealthy 9. There was one time that I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of at work and I just lost it. I became full of anxiety until it went to full depression and failed to show up at work for 2 weeks. Literally AWOL. I didn't realize I held everyone up because I was just always the follower. I didn't actually think that what I did actually mattered. When I finally went back, then that is when I realized I messed up the whole process.
Quite a testament to the 9, though; I'm saving a screenshot of this...! ^_^
Read about Islam
My sister shared this video with me as I just discovered that I was a 9 yesterday. It's as if I'm being described here perfectly. I lost my wife last year to a long struggle with Lupus and I've been trying to get my life back together. I actually thought I was a six at first until I took a test. The description of being in the outhouse of a 6 and struggling to be more of a 3 is totally a perfect message for me and is giving me some much needed hope and understanding. Thank you for sharing this with so much depth.
At 59 I wish I could have known about this sooner.
I left my marriage of 32 years and feel like I'm sorting through things. This all hits close to home!
Hey there! Your openness and honesty are really touching. Remember, it's never too late to start afresh. Keep moving forward!
What amazes me is that a 7 has the patience to study other personality types!!! How come u are not out there looking for the next pleasure? A new toy?... a new body? Brilliant analysis of the 9. Many thanks. 9w8 :)
Thanks, again for speaking truth from your heart! My partner in life is a 9, I'm a 4 and I think I have helped him achieve his goals, and also figure out what he wants in life. In exchange, he has helped me stay calm in times of chaos. The palm tree analogy resonates ;)
I have mistyped myself as a 2 for years but did not at all relate to the wanting to be needed aspect of a 2. This video gave me such a good perspective on what a 9 is instead of being lazy, undriven and easy going. The way you showed how a 9 can reach up to a 3 and dip down to a 6 .... just made it so clear to me.
This is so interesting. I’ve only just begun to look in to Enniagrams. I’m a 9w1 and my husband is a 4w3, it’s been a real eye opener in terms of understanding our relationship and our roles within it. I most certainly have been casually water skiing behind his powerboat, he’s a hugely brave and creative person who makes me want to be my best self. I have also been very happy to be the facilitator and home maker whilst he’s achieving great things. I never thought about how I had never really known ‘me’ and what I like until I started counselling a year ago. There are times when I’m exhausted by his lust for life just want to go to sleep to the energy and ‘mess’ that he invites (my favourite word is comfort) but I’m so grateful for my 4, who’s really taught me so much.
Thank you for your insights 😊
I'm a 9w1. Most of the time I'm fairly stable and within the average to healthy side of a 9. But with all this craziness surrounding COVID-19, social distancing, and everything else that's going on, I feel like I've been bouncing back and forth between the high/low of 9 on a nearly daily/every other day basis. There will be a days where I'm very productive, getting work done (within 48 hours of the shutdown in California I figured out how to teach my Sunday School class online), and engaged with life and then there will be a days where it takes nearly all my effort to get up and eat and I have now idea if I should scream at or hide from life. But then something happens, usually a conversation with a friend, and then I'm out of that rut, until the cycle decides to repeat itself again after a few days.
Your comment about finding a 4 is quite true as the conversations I've had with a friend of that personality type have been extremely helping in me to understand who I am.
Wow, this is so spot on! I have spurts of moments where I can be really productive, and many other times where I feel that unproductiveness you talked about. The latter half is something I hate staying in, although it feels so comfortable, yet I often don't feel like I can climb out of that state when I'm in it. Productivity for me tends to happen when I leap into a task in order to hit the ground running.
Thanks for sharing, Marjorie!!!! I have days I am more productive and days I am struggling to get anything done!!! Maybe today, I will try something different even though I have edema from this weekend.
And it is so comfortable, I agree Haley! Thanks for saying it out loud, so I can be more aware of my addiction to being comfortable! I need to get up and leap into a task with a distraction to provide comfort to my ears!!
Thanks, you both have been helpful. I just need to work on a routine for the pandemic and avoid comfort until Dr Phil comes on at 3. Thanks again! We can do it when we actively try. 😉
i am a 9 and i’ve just discovered this about myself in the lowest low point of my outhouse. i cried throughout this entire 32 minutes video because i have never felt so understood. it all makes sense but i still feel so deep into the unhealthy version of 9 that any thoughts of getting better seem daunting and impossible
Having been adopted and having struggled with reactive attachment disorder this really hits the nail on the head for me. There were times i felt like I was wrestling between being a creative artist and being a dutiful soldier. Recently in the last few years I've done a good job of balancing the swings between my feelings as well as verbally communicate with those around me how I'm feeling. There were years after I graduated college that I spent time in my "outhouse" and in depression. I was frozen in time. But thankfully with the help of family, friends, and God I have been able to get the ball rolling. Right now I'm working 2 jobs, working on becoming a professional golf instructor and hopefully some time next year becoming a golf club professional, which I'm super excited about! All that to say, to all my fellow 9's you got this! You are seen and heard! You're doing great! And you will do great things!
Let me add a quote my therapist told me a long time ago and I think he was quoting something else when he said it but it was "a ship is safe at harbor but that's not what ships are for".
Also also Mr lahue, it's very cool you went to Grace for your mdiv, I went there for my undergrad and was there for a year and a half working on a masters in counseling! Small world!
Thank you for the video. This video has shown me how much I have accomplished as a 9. More than I ever give myself credit for. I'm finally a healthy 9 and reach into the 3 a lot. A planner has changed my life. I check off what needs to be done.
This is the most helpful instruction I've heard on my nineness, and I've listened to alot.
I love how organized your videos are! I’m a nine and my husband is an eight, so I tend to want to navigate to those videos in order to understand our personalities better. Also, you are excellent at explaining all things enneagram! Thank you!!!
Yay! Thank you!
@25:00 very true in regards to anger, I was getting snappy with people close to me and then felt bad about it, but it was because else was hurting and I had no way of expressing it
You're getting pretty good at understanding the different types. When you said, quoting a nine, "if I want to be a spectator and fuse my will with someone else, then why is that a problem," I was taken aback by how much you understood what that means. I know that's not the way you see the world but you're taking another's perception really seriously. Most people don't stop and think about how another's perception can be debilitating. It's easy to say "I'm not experiencing that pain so I don't understand what your problem is." I don't make sense.
Silently fume! Agreeing to something with no intention of actually doing it! Being last in the car because I just had to do something last minute, this is so accurate when I’ve been working too hard, or too many late nights, I just can’t push forward with my energy, and other people are making me do things when I need to recharge. You’re also accurate when I’m too low for too long, my energy kicks back in to move me.
The whole bit about needing to feel anger was Definitely worth the video and exactly what I needed to hear.
You have described my husband in detail. I have lived with my type 9 husband for 10 years. Whatever the absolute opposite of a 9 is that is me. I never understood why people call this type the peace making type because I never feel like issues are resolved. He wants no conflict ever. How can you experience peace unless you resolve issues? That's not peace making; that's peace faking. A degree of conflict is necessary to achieve peace.
Maybe we should say the 9w8 is a peacemaker and the 9w1 is a peacekeeper.
I agree, I'd also look further into the sp, so, sx variants. If he's an sp/so like me, balance is important to maintain our internal harmony or peace. I tend to hold onto the familiar because its a safe place, it's what I know I can handle and once I'm in balance I feel like I can take on anything, but life isn't a peaceful calm lake, its a storm, so I constantly have to fight to stay in balance to keep my boat afloat. It's one of the reasons I think we're so against conflict, it disrupts our balance and the balance of those around us.
Keeping balance is inside is a full time job, and if you add external factors throwing wrenches into our plans, it can get downright frustrating. But since we don't want to trouble anyone or add further conflict to others or ourselves we suck it up and avoid confrontation all the while disassociating from our feelings, which may cause conflict for others if we release them (why do unto others what we don't want done to ourselves?) but its all still there and it can build up as a lot of frustration and anger which eventually comes out subconsciously as passive aggressiveness. It's an exhausting process. As a coping mechanism we may try to hoard what little peace we can by holding tight to familiar habits or things that bring us some comfort, but often enough they aren't the most helpful things to hold onto. Sp 9s can be creatures of habit.(I eat chocolate everyday and I have an slightly unhealthy attachment to the computer as antidepressant.-__-)
I tend avoid or creep slowly into big changes if I can, if I'm thrown into those changes I can take a while to re orient myself (months or years) and facing conflict or breaking habits or losing relationships as it can feel like you're trying to peel your own skin off, your protective layer, only to be left completely vulnerable...whilst navigating in a storm and what's underneath...There's a reason why 9's have problems typing ourselves.
We spend so much time and energy trying to keep balance with the factors around us that we neglect what's inside us. We're not present to ourselves and if we've been in that state of numbness for a while, can you blame us for not wanting to be? We're either stuck in the past or wondering for the future that's not even real yet and its a hard and long process to start afresh in the present. I'd say be patient with him and encourage him to be open minded and to try to find out why people react the way they do. He will have to learn to face and accept conflict and his anger, not as the danger that we first perceive it as but as tools for growth that can help show him what is going on around and within him and also help him learn how to react to it. I was finally forced into confronting my anger after losing a loved one. I hope he will have an easier time.
It's a big lesson to learn that we always have a choice when dealing with emotions and feelings and that we might need a big change in perception. While I have learnt a lot from avoiding and staying quiet during arguments, I have found there is still a lot to learn from anger itself. Show him that anger is not just dangerous explosive energy but a reaction or result. A secondary emotion that springs from underlying issues and thoughts. It can be caused by fear, sadness, trauma, anxiety or grief, guilt, shame, crossed boundaries, worry, love, all sorts of things.
As for building up self, we already have a pretty good idea of what we don't like. Self exploration can help take care of the rest and doing physical things is great for staying present. But it's up to him to realize that he has "fallen asleep" to himself to take the initiative to "wake up." From there it's his journey to take. We can't be present if there is nothing in us to be "present" for. "Present for what?" is something I often find myself asking myself blinking through mental haze. Which is why it seems safer to stay where we are. If you stand for nothing you fall for anything. So it's better to keep to what I know. But once my anxieties have calmed down, I'm present and I feel like have a grasp on how to deal with my anger and the conflict around me and I find a goal to work towards, I move into 3.
( Please note that this is just my personal perception on enneagram and myself as an "unhealthy" 9w1 INFP from what I've learnt though youtube videos like this and the Personality cafe forum. Observe your husband and move to suit as he is probably quite different from me depending on his personal experiences, level of mental health, his trifixes and cognitive functions. Hope this helped anyway. I felt like I worded some stuff poorly *hides face*) But I'd definitely call myself a peace keeper rather than a peacemaker..
Tal gurl just described my husband spot on 😂😬
I love it in the inner sanctum. I can move toward motivation and achieving but not to the point that it requires excessive interaction with people.
Wow, thank you. As a wife and step mother (and teacher) to 9s this is very illuminating and helpful to me.
In the “defense” of 9s I can see how my spouse is like a 6 in terms of being action oriented in that being driven by fear - however - how it is “performed” is by being responsible performing the important tasks of responsibilities. “What do we need to be secure? How can we be prepared for this disaster? What could go wrong? What aren’t we being told by authorities? (Skeptic) and getting the ducks in a row to avoid disaster.
As an aspiring Enneagram coach, this helps me discern the difference between fear based action of 9 versus the get the time so list done 1. Very helpful.
Your articulation of neighbors and moving to the out house and apple orchard are wonderful metaphors which aid in clearer understanding in a fun way. 😎
You’re a wonderful teacher.
Being your student is eye opening in a fun and profoundly helpful way.
Yay.
This is a good video (9 here). I like that you don't edit (keep cutting and clipping). It's as if we get a good, long talk from you. The analogy works well. Thank you (from an Aussie).
Thanks for that!
I’m a 9w1 and married myself a 4w5! We’ve both been so so happy together! I chuckled when you said us 9’s need to find a 4! I’m so glad I found my 4!
Also, I find that I’m so much more sluggish when I’m physically in pain. When I’m hurting, I don’t sleep well (I need lots of sleep...) and I just hurt all day and mentally exhausted. I’m really working to physically get well so I can be totally healthy as a 9!
Get in the game !!
Very good reminder I feel like I've stuck or maybe asleep in the out house for ages .
Making people late from time to time is the smallest of all the problems of the world, Dr Lahue! 9’s are precious gems! They balance the world’s madness. We are so lucky to have them! 🙏❤️🌸
Thank you Dr. Tom to learn more about myself. Sometimes I have to push myself or more often have to be thrown into a situation where I have to do a project. It is scary, but once I have actually finished the project and I feel so wonderfully alive! Now I understand why and maybe how to move myself towards that 3...sometimes. Overall, I do like being a nine because that is how I feel most comfortable. I'm going to watch your video "Help for Type 9's" to see if you have advice on how to learn to make my own decisions and how to know what it is that I want.
Many of my closest friends are 9's. I am a type 4.
I love them dearly - especially because they totally accept me and my uniqueness.
Now I know how to help them, too. Thanks!
Love what you say about suppressed feelings leaking out-- not sure if this is a Positive Outlook triad thing, or true of the whole enneagram. You mentioned you thought that would be worth a video-- just wanted to say, I'd love to watch that video for all the types, or whichever it applies to!
Also: yeah, 9 here, really appreciating the real talk about how 9s can cause trouble in our own lives and for others. We can TAKE IT. And we need the reality check. Some advice for 9 is a little too soft IMO. So, it's tough to swallow, but appreciate it so much.
Trippy!! i just had a 4 kick me into being able to make a big decision i’ve been struggling to make forever
THANK YOU DR. TOM!!!!!!
You nailed it!!!! 9s either don't know the damage they can do to other people or they are very Insidious. LOL Masterpiece video.
Thanks. Blessings.
On a spiritual retreat focusing on one’s foundational sin, mine came up as “sloth.” I got mad and wrote in my journal, “This needs another word. I am NOT lazy!” Then meeting with the retreat leader before I said anything, he said, “There’s a better word than lazy or slothful. It is “acedia,” a Greek word that indicates, “what difference does it make? Futility, depression-why try?” Exactly. And the antidote? Zeal, enthusiasm for the task. Thank you for your videos. They are helpful.
Seriously, one of the best 9 videos right here. Thank you!
"Dormant volcano" describes me so well.
This goes a bit hand in hand with the No More Mr Nice Guy, where dr Robert Glover - stating that Nice Guys are the only ones keeping track of doing things for other people through "covert contracts".
When the maths don't "add up", since other people were not aware of the covert contract - I (both as Enneagram 9 and Nice Guy) can explode.
Sounds like you've uncovered your dormant volcanic tendencies! Time to channel that energy into positive outlets.
@@twlahue Definitely - good advice. Keep up the good work. It is really appreciated.
15:53 I never really thought about it but holy crap, growing up I was always the last one in the car to get to church bc I was just going about my business getting ready at my own pace 🤭
Best video on 9's that I've seen yet. Thanks for your insight and personal take!
Im such a 9 and just realized theres more people out there like me starting to understand myself
Can't thank you enough.
Spot on 👌
One of the best videos on enneagrams!
Dr. Tom, I'm so happy to have found your channel. You've helped me see I am a SP4w5 and now I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is a SP9w1. Thanks so much.
I’ve been to the apple orchard and had a lot of success. A career setback rocked what I thought was my identity and I’m down in the outhouse now, and it feels like the walls are closing in. Not a good place to be.
I just stumbled upon this video out of curiosity, as I’ve taken the Enneagram test four times. Funnily enough I got 9 twice, then a 6, and then 1. This video kind of knocked my socks off, so to speak. What an excellent video, and it hit so close to home. 👍🏻.
I don’t know how it happened but when I fell to my knees and surrendered to God 4 years ago and all the rage just bubbled up after a really horrible event in my life, I process that trauma for almost a year cry my eyes out and felt EVERYTHING ! every day and ever since I’ve been so in touch with my anger and actually brings me great pleasure to release it and I’ve become actually a very easily angered person so now I have to work on releasing the anger so it doesn’t impact anybody l. So I hide away from the person who angered me, until the anger is released and no longer feel anger toward that person. . I’m 9w1 mostly sometimes w8. Anger feels delicious like a dessert. Now. And I taught myself all the tools to release the energy from my body and return to a state of peace and calm relatively quickly with complete forgiveness for the person who triggered me and infuriated me. Moving away from Enneagram low vibration behavior is 100% possible!!! ❤🎉😊
It's incredible how you've transformed your relationship with anger! Acknowledging and processing those feelings is such a powerful journey. Keep embracing that growth!
I am E4. My husband E9. I love all you talked about E4 and now I am loving what you says for E9. I shared this video to my loved husband. I hope this helps him. Thank you very much to share a very complete information with love, fun and respect. Love your channel.
It feels very good to see this video ! Glad that someone could really and actually understand me ‘ everything that you said is very trueeeeeee ! Thank you so much
"just playing it safe is not safe" great words and great video. thank you.
You are like a therapist for me. Thank you!
Saying it out loud, is a wake up call
Really enjoyed this. You are very knowledgeable, and your energy is sincere and caring.
I’ve witnessed the health of my spouse 9 as an accomplished accompanist in performance art. Merging with great musicians to kick the virtuosity and expression of a performing group up sky high. For example improvising alongside a poet, as a jazz musician aiding the soloist here and being the soloist there within the groups artistry.
What I would say he wants is the thrill of being a contributing and valuable artist within a group experience. That’s what he wants - I think -
To merge with an ensemble as a co creator or a sublime experience, and to be cherished for being part of that circle of friends, artists, family of creators. It also gives him
A sky for his wings and stage for his voice.
What I love about 9 performers is that they merge with the art and give themselves to the art. In performance it’s about the art not them.
9s make great artists within ensembles.
I’ve witnessed 9s in family be excellent by creating more harmonious families because they want to be a cherished member in the family and cherish their family and because they WANT a family and want to enjoy being lived and valued in it.
This is so good. 👍
I have a request if you read this.. I’d really like to know your take on the gap between the 4 and 5. The abyss.. dark night of the soul.. the yin to 9 yang.
A video on this would be awesome. 😊
Great suggestion! Thanks for your kindness...
As a 9, i AM in the game of life, Tom! Listening to you brings anger up in me: who are YOU to decide what 9 should do? or what position to play on "the team"?
I like, LIKE, playing fullback or guard, not in limelight like you or other go-getters, but i sure DO hava part to play, the very role GOD GAVE ME, not you or any system or program of personality dissection. Ouch, man! OUCH! OUCHEE-WOWWAAAHHH!
Perhaps my outburst means i am in the outhouse, and yeah, sometimes ya gotta let it out, dump the compost. And sometimes, 9 gotta stick up for self and say what is true. I am glad to be 9, to be backgrounder, to be holding the outer edges of the nest together...
Dr. Tom it is like you know me personally... This is seriously top notch content and deep insight into type nine. You are amazing!! Could you also please make a video or let us know a few concrete steps pertaining to daily lives that we can do to reach our Cabins from out House and later even go uphill. That'll be so helpful.. Thank you and I totally respect your knowledge.
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. That sounds like a great idea...A practical steps video.
Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been in the outhouse for a while and I’m ready to start taking those steps towards 3. I’m excited to try again gosh thank you so much
Very helpful video! Both informative and encouraging! First time looking into this and doing the enneagram test and I'm a type 9 (98% match). And this video is amazing! It's like he knows me! lol
Glad to help.
As a 9 I lack motivation I do want more. thank you for helping me realize that I can excel.
That's me ! Thank you for the advice.
This was SO helpful and so well delivered. Heard the message loud and clear. Thank you!!
This is such truth. Now I am super aware that I am a type 9, I see myself in this so much. I am classically easy going and also can really get stuck in the mud and lose myself. Thank you for this wisdom.
Oh my gosh, this is me to a T. Thank you so much for helping me understand myself a bit better
I came across this video randomly, but I am a 9 and this was really powerful. Thank you, and I know how strange this will sound to anyone who isn’t a 9, but thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to be me and that that’s really what my friends and loved ones want from and for me.
@3:40 In my youth I was always the quiet, easy going, never caused any trouble type of kid. However I had a tendency to gravitate towards the more rebellious types because it was always something I desired within myself. Anyways while hanging out with one of these "friends", skipping class. One of them had shoplifted an action figure from a store we where hanging out in and quickly passed it a long to me. I didn't know what to do and went along and got caught. It was one of the worst days of my life because I got severely punished for it, I went through a beating verbally and physically. Despite all that I never ratted my friends out even though he wouldn't have done the same for me. This ruined my relationship with my dad whom prior to this I was the gleam in his eye but since then I've been nothing but a disappointment, a pariah. I'm by far not the ideal person, I haven't had much success in life but I've never fallen into anything negative like criminal behavior or doing anything remotely bad and yet my dad always compared me to such people. I lived with this throughout my adulthood, being there for him in times of need and not moving onto my own, til his death. So that's my story of the negative aspects of being a 9
I'm a nine. Of course I love being in my 3, but find I have no way to get there on my own... It happens (3) at random times and when it happens I feel I only have a brief period of time to take advantage of it. Any clues on how to conciously get to the 3 state?
i am definitely a nine! i tend to voice my opinion, but if it got heated, i backed out immediately, but in all honesty i'm okay with that. I'm well aware of it for a long time and accept it for who i am. But like you said, sometimes i feel shit about myself for what i've done. and a three definitely help a lot, and sometimes even a five can help me with their harsh word. i tend to being suspicious of all the people around me, but none of them realize it, because that's who we are, we are carefree, easygoing, a pleaser and people's people, we kept it to ourself to always be vigilant of our surrounding so that we won't got into unnecessary conflict, not because we're anti-social or something.
When you said that affirmation about owning that we as 9s want to fuse with others, and that we want to go along with everybody, I felt disgusted. I don't want that for myself. I think God put me on this Earth for a reason, and to go along with the wishes of others is a slap to the face of the Creator. Thank you Tom.
This is GOLD. Thank you very much
I laugh so much watching these videos. Resonating SO much! I appreciate the content!
Nine here or at least I think I am. I grew up in a family with a lot of conflict as a child and often I would get hit with the friendly fire so to speak. This made me in social situations be the peacemaker or become invisible when I couldn't make peace. It almost made me not look out for myself because I would find people fight over their own wants and needs so I always let got pushed back to the end of line because I prefer the peace of not having to fight and just adapted to enjoying what I could get. That's how i've lived my life but for some that trait makes them angry at me.
2 months ago someone told me about Enneagrams an I have been reading an watching teachings I took one of those quick test to see where I fit actually I took it three times I was kind confused. I stumbled some would say but I think God directed me to your teachings on you tube , they were so very helpful you were some good at explaining I had to laugh at some of your examples cause it was so right on . I wanted to thank you!! I now I know I am a 9 I thought for a while I was a 2 or a one but kept going back to the nine you made it so clear. It was really helpful to watch your teaching on coaching a 9w1 . Thank you very much keep up the great work very much appreciated!
Thank you for helping us unterstand the “program“ and activate the true self
Thank u. I find this Fascinating! I know now where I need to improve. God used u to help 🙏
Oh my gosh!!! I contacted my closest 4 friends earlier today while thinking over some earlier videos!! 😂 I asked them that EXACT thing! Oh my word!
I took the test about 5 years ago and was told that I was a Type 2. After watching your video on 2's, it didn't feel like a fit. I care about people, but it didn't feel like me. So I just took the test again. And it said I was a 9. WHAT?? Is it possible to change Types?? Couldn't believe it. SO I watched every minute of this video and it describes me TO A T. "If you don't let it out, it will leak out." WOW. I was in tears by the end. Thank you for helping me understand myself a little bit better.