PDA demmands- the worst is when im finally about to do a task I couldn't do...but someone "suggests" I do that task. So brain suddenly cannot. Also the demmand of deadlines...
I swear the autistic community knows more about how we are than any other source. I cannot handle pressure (or demand) well at. All. So I've learned not to put it on myself unless i want to feel bad about myself for not succumbing to it. I refuse. Life feels more gentle, easy, and flowy (and not traumatising) for me if i do it at my own pace, and in my own way. I wish we as a community could regulate our own community, instead of relying on doctors (apart from when we need medication of course) to tell us "how we are". Because we're truthful, we can detect if someone's dishonest (especially if someone were to fake being nd), we self identify our traits. And we'd name our afflictions with actual helpful words. I dislike the names the psychiatric community comes up with as they're damaging and misleading. I feel we'd come up with better descriptive yet unbiased titles. Pda? No. How about Self Paced Alignment or, SPA. Not actually this, but you get the idea. This way, you could understand from the title alone that this person requires living at their own pace to help them live a well life. 🤔
Except it Also includes bodily functions. So it IS pathological as it makes No sense to avoid say, going to the bathroom for a week cuz your body is demanding it.
my coaching teacher once explained double binds to me. a usual double bind is when no matte what you do its wrong. he theorized that you could create positive double binds with clients, so no matter what they do its right. i think thats whats important to use with myself as an autist but also with other people, especially with pda. you can do this, you can not do this, its gonna be great either way, im gonna be here no matter what.
Interesting idea, the idea of creating positive double binds (if that is possible). Do you have an example you could share of a specific positive double bind, what it would look like in actuality?
@@semilorekaji-hausa2078 for me just a simple acceptance of myself no matter what i decide to do, works: "i'm here for you, i accept you, no matter whether you decide for what i deem right or not" double binds are usually about rejection and punishment no matter what you chose. its wrong either way. a positive double bind for me would be connection and reward no matter what. i actually had to work a lot to get to a point where i could give that (back) to myself. to not have to do smth to be worth smth and then failing anyway but instead being allowed to live no matter what and deciding what i want to do with that life from there.
@@elizabethlee2136 If you clean your room, you'll have less visual clutter and perhaps some sensory relief. If you don't clean your room, you'll have more energy for other things and less readjusting to do in regards to where your things are. Either way is a good thing! Does that help?
as a PDA auDHDer, i've recently been sensing that my PDA is actually quite extreme the more i learn about it. this video really validated that for me so thankyou Paige 😊 PDA is such bullshit though, i feel like im constantly parenting and disciplining myself so that i actually get myself to fulfil perceived and internal demands. and for me; literally everything is a demand. even things i like 😮💨 sometimes it gets so bad that thinking feels like a demand. apparently my first word i ever said was "no" so that was probably foreshadowing 😂 loving your content as always Paige, thank you for another entertaining and informative video ❤
‘No’ and ‘Dad’ are the most common first words simply because the require a lot of tongue and not much lip, jaw or air. Yes and Mum are a bit trickier with the former perhaps more to do with the feeling one gets when we learn to say it. Umum seems to come before Mum. Yes is actually quite tricky to learn and why we see children often use a ’Th’ tongue action as in ‘Yeth’ or in a better attempt, block the Sssss sound at the front of the palate and force the air out between the back of the tongue and molars, which can be a hard one to change if it becomes normal.
I’m actually struggling more now than when I was a kid. I think back then, I managed stress differently and somehow found ways around it. Like I’d tell myself, I’m not doing x just because so-and-so wants me to. I’m doing it because I’ve decided it’s the best option for me under the circumstances. At some point it’s like I stopped valuing my own perspective and basically became very lost.
Definitely PDAer. I am 44 and didn't realize I was autistic until about 6 months ago, but this has been my lifelong experience. I would ask to take naps as a toddler because if I asked, it wasn't stressful but if my mom did I'd melt down. Anything that feels like an obligation triggers fight or flight, especially social obligations and work. I like my job, my boss and get to work from home but I spend more time hating and fighting against working (which is miserable and I hate it) than actually doing work tasks. Being on the clock, no matter how low stakes and accommodating my job is, is low key enraging. Having words for it helps, but I really want a way to opt out of Capitalism and I haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for a great video and a meaningful topic!
like you can have executive dysfunction by having depression without pda, you can also have it with it or “just” pda. but experiencing executive dysfunction won’t always be the sign of pda?
probably depends on the source of the distress. if resistance to tasks comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed with steps or being unable to conceptualize yourself carrying out the task, that is probably related to executive dysfunction. if it comes from a feeling of being forced, rushed, or pressured into doing a task (by whatever or whoever is proposing that task), it may be PDA. i assume they can overlap or affect the same situation in different ways.
Hey Paige! Thank you for this! I've always had this moderate , internal version of this. My mum has a severe, often external version of this, the point that when she clearly had a foot injury and I pleaded with to go for a 2 day hospital stay in August 2019, she outright refused until she fell in late Sept and I told the EMTs to look at her right heel. There was a silver dollar sized hole in her skin -- the bone. She was in the hospital 9 weeks and nearly lost her foot. She recovered and she takes advice more, but I can tell she hates it every time. I like the 10 min tiktok to YT vid format.💕
Omg, that's so me. Maybe not that extreme, but I always put off medical things. And the more people remind me, the less likely I am to do anything. Although I think part of it might be anxiety over arranging an appointment, talking to the receptionist etc, especially over the phone. Like, my optician keeps sending me letters reminding me to make an appointment. Just give me an appointment, my guy! I'll turn up! I know full well my eyes need testing, but there's no way I'm making an appointment.
You described my son to a T we just actually tried dance class and he ran out screaming and crying. I wish there was a better understanding. People in stores constantly stare because they don’t understand how overwhelming it is for him to be in a store when I’m telling him please don’t touch you know please behave please don’t race around the store with the cart, it’s constant demands so for the most part I let him enjoy his shopping experience, and I just take the stares.
logically ik that thats not true though and im actually pretty cynical about humanity, but in the moment of talking to someone i automatically assume theyre a kind person. this is why i didnt realize i was bullied in middle school until years after edit: i thought about it a bit more and i wanted to add that this might just be because i have hyper empathy. i also have rlly strict morals and one of them is that judging people is wrong unless theyre like straight up evil
That happened to Danny Elfman. He got MeToo’d by a couple of narcissists who expect the court of public opinion to believe them and cancel him just because he’s weird if not autistic.
@@nuclearcatbaby1131 idk anything about that specific case, but i think all sexual assault allegations should be taken seriously. narcissism is a diagnosable disorder and using it against potential victims (even if you believe they are lying) makes others afraid to come forward about their abuse. neurodivergent ppl do get misjudged often, so i do understand the point you're trying to make, but autistic people can still be bad people sometimes.
@@_eIIiot And then the other one expects us to believe that she was his special friend for five years yet he never even got to first base with her, just wanked off to her in her sleep like some kind of incel... and this is the same man who married a Hollywood sex symbol two years later?! Also inconsistent with the other story since according to this one he needs her to be asleep because that’s his fetish while the other one said he did it while she was awake. I think maybe what it is is that he felt too comfortable with them as friends too soon with them so he told them a personal secret about how he feels more comfortable composing without clothes on and they took that to be grooming or tried to spin it as such.
This is definitely something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm 31, and have accomplished very little because doing literally anything that I genuinely don't want to do feels nearly impossible, and the adult world doesn't work like that. It seems like a lot of people discover these things about themselves and feel at peace with it, and good for them, but that hasn't been my experience. I feel like a parasite who chooses to not pull his own weight and not take responsibility for his own life, because I guess I'm still holding myself to the standards of a neurotypical person.
*if you're wondering whether or not you have PDA:* i have a PDA nightmare story i went through earlier this year, and i feel like it's a pretty good litmus for whether you have PDA. (not perfect... but might help.) i'm 24, but i think it applies across all ages. here's the story: imagine you're taking a college course. all the homework assignments AND EXAMS are online, multiple choice, infinite submission attempts. so you are pretty much guaranteed a 100 just by process of elimination, as long as you submit before the deadline. finishing an assignment or exam takes you maybe 5 or 10 minutes at the very most, and you walk away with a 100. *is this class easy, or is it difficult?* for me (i have PDA), it was difficult. extremely so. i "missed" 2 exams and 6 homework assignments, getting a 0 on each. i barely passed the course. how was i expected to find the motivation to waste 5-10 minutes of my life every 2 weeks at least, literally getting no benefit, not learning at all, not working at all, just submitting something _to submit something?_ so my professor could pretend he was teaching us, when he wasn't? sure, it was only 5-10 minutes, but the mental block to even BEGIN that task was staggering. i lost that battle many times... hence, me barely passing the course. my classmates however (they do not have PDA) found it to be very, very easy. 5-10 minute homeworks and exams, with no work involved at all, for a guaranteed 100? they all got As for the semester. easy "GPA booster" class. no stress at all. they loved it. they are always surprised when they hear me speak negatively of the course. i feel that the discrepancy in my perspective and my classmates' perspective boils right down to PDA. i couldn't bring myself to meet this completely meaningless demand, even though it was fast and virtually effortless. so, if you would have struggled in that class (and not because of being forgetful), then you probably have PDA like me. if not, then you probably don't have PDA. again, this is not foolproof, but i think it can be helpful. i wish you all very good luck in better understanding yourselves and navigating the world around you. i love y'all!! take care :3 ❤
yes and yes. also you perfectly described the corporate experience. i tend to procastinate when it comes to bs tech trainings at work because i get overloaded with the info but then i remember that those trainings don't have any purpose, it's another nt ritual for social points (just like some group assignments at school). it's like the reason why we as autistics don't "play with others", we will be doing the work while they chat about the work. they are learning how to get around the work while we think there's any value in the work itself. my pda is my cheat code now :)
THIS! I am in my fifth semester of trying to get my AA, because I keep having to drop classes due to the demand of the easiest classes! Organic chemistry? The best grade I received, because all the work took time and I was already in class so I might as well do it (as it was an option to work on the course material in class or at home). My required comp course to graduate? Easy for everyone, simple assignments online due every Sunday and late assignments are barely docked points. Not so easy for me though! This is my THIRD time taking it, and it's like nails on chalkboard every time. It takes everything I have to meet the easiest of demands, but because they don't seem worth it and I don't feel like I have a choice to work at my own pace, I struggle so much with it.
@notville_ hey man, some things are more difficult for some people than others. we do our best. hopefully you're not feeling too much pressure in your life :)
I’m 51 and have struggled with this my whole life. Most notably as a child, homework was such a struggle that my mom would be called into parent-teacher conferences regularly. I also remember failing freshman level English because the essay topics were so contrived and formulaic that I could not bring myself to write them despite being a gifted writer. I also remember being forced to quit piano lessons because my parents weren’t going to pay the $5/week if I wasn’t going to practice at home. I loved piano, but resented being given an ultimatum.
Playing musical instruments is awesome! One of the worst things that a parent can do is force their kids to take lessons, especially if they get on their case about the money it costs. The really screwy part is that it can, in fact, make the kid grow up to be a better musician sometimes. It's just that it's more likely to deter them from doing it.
I am a 54 year old female that could be your twin 😂 i danced all through school as well. My family life was very authoritarian and abusive., so I always thought i had ODD. The PDA- internalizer profile fits me perfectly. I have two autistic children as well and I was diagnosed AuDHD at 52. This makes a whole lotta damn sense. These are tactics i used with my daughter as she definitely acted more like me when she was younger than my son who has more external meltdowns and has the more classic autistic features. Even though she masks way more and seems more functional; the autism has affected is both way more (from all 3 of our perspectives)
You just gave me light about myself and the depression I’ve been battling this past year and a half’s is intensely related to demand avoidance which makes a lot of sense that this is the hardest time of my life regarding this sense of avoidance being a mom of 2 under 4!
I have not heard that it's called persistent drive for autonomy!!!! OMG THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING This is me!!! holy crap. Thank you - I will now be obsessively researching this for the rest of my weekend :)
This entire concept explains so much about why I struggle to be self sufficient in any way, with a very controlling mother, and whenever I’m not around intensely controlling people I’m quite capable, to the point where I surprise myself, and on my own in professional settings I usually get treated as someone with some form of authority, but once someone tries to dictate my behavior, as opposed to teaching or correcting when necessary, I get overwhelmed, shut down, and they have to walk me through every little thing.
This... is, like, cracking a riddle that has been haunting my life since day one. Heard you drop PDA in another video, and I was like, "PDA autistic, what, like a Blackberry? Wow, haven't heard someone say PDA in forever." Then I'm just like, that's got to mean something, and I see this video on the side, and... boy, I'm glad I did, because I am DEFINITELY PDA autistic. It sucks, but kinda like receiving my autism diagnosis a few years ago, it is nice to have a name for why I am the way I am. Plenty of PDA example from being a kid. In particular, I just could not handle any kind of change. Like I had a fear of knowing what was going to be for dinner in case there was some last-minute change beforehand. But honestly as an adult it feels so much stronger. Normal adult human things sometimes feel like such an imposition. For years I used to believe I was just chronically lazy, but over the past few years and honestly evaluating the tirelessness with which I can devote myself to a task, I had to admit to myself that no, I'm not lazy, but... I guess it's something else, but I don't know. Welp, now I know. Making food. I've learned that I actually don't hate cooking for myself, but the idea of having to do the cooking and cleaning afterwards makes me just never do it. Ever. Throw something in the oven to bake while I do something else? Okay, sometimes. Actively cook something? Absolutely not. Even eating itself will sometimes feel like a chore to put off until before I know it I've been up for the entire day, it's almost midnight, and I have not eaten a single thing. Having a job? Sucks. I have to do some incredible mental gymnastics to have any kind of job. I need to be convinced down to my BONES that my occupation has concrete meaning, actually helps people, and gives me some sense of personal fulfillment. Money and success have very low incentivizing power for me. I would probably wind up starving to death before staying at a job I thought was meaningless. Here's a big one for me, especially at THIS time of year when I'm writing (Christmas)- gifts. Both giving and receiving. I HATE it. For most of my adult life, I've tried to live a very minimalistic lifestyle, and the PDA is totally a huge reason for that: fewer things, fewer demands. Fewer things to rely on. I don't need furniture. I don't need a jacket, I don't need to turn on the heat- I can handle the cold. But this is not the way the rest of the world works, and people who love me want to try to fill those needs they see not being addressed. But that literally gives me anxiety. For Christmas, my mother sent me a recliner for my apartment. There's nothing wrong with it- it's a perfectly fine piece of furniture. But I spent the better part of an entire day just AGONIZING over having this thing in my house that it felt like I now needed to need. Giving it away or not using it felt really ungrateful, and now I felt this to demand to be grateful for this generous gift. I myself was honestly amazed at how stressed out I was about the whole thing. And giving gifts is almost as bad- not as bad, but still bad. I have no idea what people actually want, but at this time of year you can't tell people, "Hey, I'd actually totally prefer NOT getting things for Christmas, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon not keep getting you weird stuff you need to pretend to like!" You called learning about PDA "freaking life-changing". That's exactly how I feel right now. THANK you for sharing this.
This is sooo relatable! I still remember my troubles with doing homework or performing set tasks that my stepmum wanted me to do. She thought I refused to do things because I was supposedly lazy, but it just made me very anxious if I was pushed into a corner. Now I even understand why I was so terrified when my ex wanted to move in with me, she kind of demanded it and this feeling of my autonomy being violated (and not the moving in part!) terrified me, so I did everything I could to avoid it, but she felt like I hated her and never wanted to move in, even though that wasn't the reason (I was a bit traumatized by the experience though). And honestly, PDA is a huge problem for children in school when they write exams. They freeze and can't perform their tasks and then they hand in blank sheets, even though they were very good students and understood everything else. These autistic kids are not given a fair chance. If they get a choice task, they excel!
Wow I feel like this way of filming/editing was perfect for this subject because as you wrote in the description, you seem especially spontaneous and your video communicated many things to me, maybe because you were much more free to move around the room with the camera ? I'd already watched other videos about PDA but with yours it felt like learning from the inside, trhough the emotions and gut reactions, so thank you ! I identified even better with your experiences and could compare with my own feelings, and I think that my experience is very, very similar indeed :)
this made school absolutely impossible for me, i never did homework or studied because i hated that i had to be there. i was a smart kid, before high school i could get away with never studying and still got 100% on every class but in high school i fell hard and started failing most of my childhood. my family also placed many demands on me even though they knew very well that the more they pushed the less likely i was to listen, they just never learned and kept trying to do everything their way even though they had a success rate of around 0. and it's not even just that they could tell but i TOLD THEM constantly, this was something i knew about myself since i was about a toddler and i would always tell them 'if you tell me i have to i won't do it', same with punishments but more extreme. i also have arfid and as a child i was often punished for not eating what they prepared or only eating a little, sometimes i was even forcefed, and after that i would just go on hunger strike (i didnt even know what a hunger strike was yet but it just made sense to me). childhood and school were the most frustrating experiences of my life, but it's still a massive struggle
sounds like things that a lot of people with adhd struggle with. like "chores" basically. like the more you tell a person with this that they "have" to do a thing like brush their teeth or make their bed, the less they want to do it. like you know you "should" do it, but you don't want to. it's similar to adhd paralysis or procrastination.
Oh, oh, that parenting tip on how to word things so that they don’t sound so demanding! Super helpful!! Thank you!! I’ve been trying to find that exact kind of thing and it’s been like a needle in a haystack. Gonna try it tomorrow 🌻
life changing is the right word, i think i just found out why keeping basic everyday routines like going to bed on time feels impossible to me and always has because it's always felt like huge demands.😭
"that's normal, no one likes being told what to do" yeah ok ty for your very informed wisdom, but have you considered Being "told" doesn't need to be verbal. It can be implied demands/expectations. It can be self imposed, projected or perceived demands. real or not, tangible or not, exclusive to you or not. any chore can be a demand that makes your mind scream in agony at the idea of having to do it. It's not just "not liking it" it's your brain and body absolutely resisting something. And if get to it, you better be fast or hope you find a way to make it enjoyable, or you feel your brain and body losing function in real time as you spend most of your energy coping with the skin crawling discomfort. Anyways, I knew I had it but still found this video rlly interesting as it made me realise a lot more things that trigger/triggered it before and I didn't know. In fact, I already was, but I'm starting to become a bit TOO suspicious that my ADHD might just be a misdiagnosis and it was PDA... And I've been taking medication... Also work and low demand life... I literally don't know what to do or think I have an escape... I jave PDA, working part time kills my soul. I need a full time rn .. so i can afford a a place to sleep/live. Except i can't even get past the thought of working full time... My entire body feels like a two positive magnets trying to stick together. I have no support from family in any sense besides temporary housing unti i run out of money and my life is turned into hell, so yeah. I feel stuck and with an increasing bigger and more dangerous demand on my throat. Bit uhm tricky to navigate... My life pretty much depends on it and I still can't overcome my PDA...
this makes so much sense. since i was a kid i’ve told my parents i hate questions, especially about how i feel or how my day went. it brings up such a feeling of panic
I believe what would help the most would be if people understood their role and value in society both on a personal and philosophical level and engaged in communities that actually offer an identity rooted in reality. This sort of rootless cosmopolitan lifestyle where you amount to nothing more than an economic unit doesn't fit well with pretty much anyone, but even worse so with the average autist. Everything more or less feels like a pointless demand in this context meant to satisfy something arbitrary, even if that arbitrary goal feels personally desirable. I think it's this loss of reason, meaning and intrinsic value and community that hurts autistic people the most. It hurts everyone, but ironically being maladaptive leaves you incapable of adjusting to a maladaptive system.
My son has PDA and I’m not used to dealing with it, but I find that if I leave him be and let him watch me he’ll just start doing things that he knows he should. The only problem is where safety is a concern. Like he won’t hold my hand and walk a couple of feet behind me even as we’re crossing the street. But I’m too paranoid to leave him alone there, so crossing streets are always the best!
First off you are very pretty. Secondly OMFG! How did I not know an this?! Cause this has been my whole life! I need to get tested, I have ADHD for damn sure, diagnosis done, but I think i could be autistic. I’m not completely sure what the implications of that is but I share so many traits and quirks!
This video is so incredibly helpful. I would love additional details and thanks to you I now know what this is called so I can dig in and research some. Thanks so much! ❤
Mail is a demand. Reading a letter someone wrote to me is a demand. I could never understand why I wasn’t able to just open my mail and read letters! Also, makeup!
Curious as to what you think are the main differences with PDA vs ODD? As an ADHDer who checked all the ODD boxes in the "comorbities list" during my diagnosis I'm interested. The more I've been looking into things I've been thinking I might be AuDHD, and a lot of this "feeling like anything that is demanded of me I don't want to do" is relatable.... But ESPECIALLY so with figures of authority and self-righteous people, like it sends me into actual rage.
I'm way older than you and these terms didn't exist way back when I was younger, but I'm sure if they did I would be diagnosed with it! I was told I have anxiety, ADHD, & test anxiety! The demand and pressure thing they said was just a very severe form of test anxiety... I'm realizing watching this that this isn't test anxiety... 🤯🥰
Learning what capitalism actually is and that the real problem is government regulations imposing burdensome demands on people and businesses has been incredibly freeing for me. I was built for counter economics, not the corporate world.
This is so interesting. My daughter is recently diagnosed. At 4 years old she is showing signs. I’m going to start writing instances down. Anything I ask is always a no/ or a meltdown.
Wow! That’s the first time I hear about this. When I was little, my first world was “I can do it myself” but I pronounced it wrong (in french) and I hear so many stories about how I never wanted help! Now that I’m diagnosed on the Spectrum I guess this was part of it! But I have to say that a few people are able to tell me what to do. Only people I decide and there’s not a lot of them. So having a boss is out of the question unless they fall in the people I accept… and that’s the draw of the dice!
So many issues in my life naked sense now. I think that other instances where PDA is trigger at least for me is ad's and notifications I can't stand them they stress me out. Also if I have obligations I have to do when I get home from work for example discussing my day and having dinner I can't relax till they're done and I feel a sense of dread in getting home because of those obligations.
Something that can screw with me sometimes is how even mengaging with my special interests can feel like a demand after ive hyper fixated on them for a few days, eventually it just feels like this thing i have to do, which makes me mot want to do it until i miss it again lol.
Thank you Page! I really need strategies for working with a spouse with PDA. I love the alternative label, but you said it fast. Something Autonomous. I was hoping for a beer label, although it feels like Pathological Rejection Screaming Dysfunction over what is merely a request for a preference Mmmm. I learned a ton from this video. I only just heard of the term in Paul's Autism Summitt a week ago. I literally felt something click inside and a huge sense of relief. Your video was not only clear, but helpful. Please do kore indepth videos on this because it really helped me. I always lkked you from the time I first found your videos. Now I know why. I could see that you had answers for me in a way I did not expect. I learned so much from you and always felt deeply saddened when you were facing a challenge. However you helped me understand 1 person on the spectrum. Now you are helping me piece together the second person on the spectrum. I am so grateful to you. Thank you. I forget to say something very important. You are a champion for winning your battles every day.
Is this an example of PDA : I will take the same 1 or 2 books that I get from the library with me everywhere I go and end up not reading them at all. But when I'm away from books for a certain amount of time, I'll be in the mood again to read. But it's like when I lug them around, and I get so annoyed that I brought them with me and just didn't feel like reading but doing other things instead.
Thanks for this . I now have words to explain alot of things to my mom . Couldn really think of a way to explain it but i guess its a documented thing and not just me
Very intriguing. Saw the thumbnail, and of course assumed the traditional PDA because I despise PDAs. Doing them or witnessing them. But to find it was a bit more than displays of affection, I watched further. I would definitely be classified as a "PDA Autistic", but oddly it feels more like a bidirectional affect in my interpretation of my own idiosyncrasies. For example, "Persistent Drive for Autonomy", I immediately said, "oh yea, that's me." I want to do things my way. Period. But in the "Pathological Demand Avoidance", I too thought, "Sure, I do that all the time." Guilt trips and appeals to my emotional center come across as manipulations and I shut that shit down. It's like "No, not gonna get the reaction you want from me." However, I would feel it is bidirectional because of my Drive for Autonomy often equates to an avoidance of "placing demands" on others. Friends invite me to a party, and offer to give me a ride. No, I'll ride my bike, take the car, walk, what not, so if I happen to have an episode and want to leave the party, I am not placing demands on anyone else to leave just because it's what I want. I can stay or I can go as my whim desires and I'm creating a zero footprint on anyone else's actions, preserving my autonomy while avoiding demands. That being said, I am curious, because maybe it's more of a spectrum thing, but some examples seem a bit extreme in their descriptions, sort of a pass for not committing to anything. If I'm placing the demand on myself, I never notice or react negatively it. I like playing hockey. Hockey, like all sports, has events and a schedule. My desire to play hockey, in conjunction with the demand for playing hockey coming from within, I look forward to each game with a passion and verve. I don't get there and suddenly feel oppressed with the demands of others, because I chose this so there is no demand or control of my autonomy. Any given day, as much as be sick with flu, or injured from a previous game, I can not go and let my team know I can't make it that day. Similarly, when the phone rings, I don't have to pick up, I can ignore it. But for the 98%, if it was my choice at the start, I've already made the decision so I typically look forward to the endeavor. Whether that is my job, cleaning the apartment, cooking dinner, you name it, if the original demand came from me, any form of resistance in the moment I squash, because I really do want to do these things, so it's imperative for my retention of personal autonomy to do them and not create burdens on others because of my mood swings. I guess, given my age - I'm from a generation where we didn't know as much about mental health - I'm coming from the perspective that it is expectant upon the individual to solve their own problems. I have this issue, so when circumstances arise I must work through it, not "demand" that others compensate for it. Someone asking, "Do you want some milk?", is not an affront to my autonomy, it is merely offering me a beverage. I can say, "No, but can I have a water?" Part of my drive for autonomy is even so far as to make sure nobody else is having to adjust for me, change their behavior for me, or any kind of special treatment. I'd often rather they didn't know, and I'll that I'll deal with the fallout from that, instead of expecting others to "walk on eggshells" around me. I'll figure out what they mean and train myself to react accordingly. (Still a work in progress of course :P) I don't like when others put demands upon me, and yet to avoid hypocrisy I am more adamant about not to putting demands on others. Again, that may just be differences in the spectrum analysis of "Why people are people." To that end, I do disagree slightly with the comment: "Oh you're just normal", and to respond immediately with a, "no, we're not," is a little self-centered. We are normal, because normal is a spectrum. Normal is a mathematical median which nobody represents. Humans are Humans, all the time, and as much as NTs are trying to put us in a box, we NDs are also putting them in a box. We all need to recognize: There is no box. ;)
I really struggle to explain myself to my fiance when I get upset at something that feels like a demand to me. Thanks for making this video, I plan on sharing it with her
I feel you. I fucking HATE advertisements, lol. They really aggravate me. I just about had a meltdown when TH-cam blocked my ad blocker. I was thrown off for a couple of days after that.
Usually I have a schedule of things, as of recent Ive been living with a lot more family members, I keep getting asked to do stuff im about to do and then I just don’t want to and refuse to now.
just going to work is horrible, like i dont hate my job, what i do is easy and i get to listen to music all day but im exhausted like i was physically fighting all day when i get home and i feel like any job i do would make me feel like this cause even if i "like" doing something if i have to do it right then i dont want to and it makes me uncomfortable when forced
No one likes working, not a PDA thing. Grow up. Before "well actually ", yes a very tiny percentage of people love their jobs but PDAers need to stop using extreme outliers as if they are the norm.
I remember at around 11 or 12 years old I was expected to do a presentation in class. I remember being called up to start my presentation and I just said I don't have one (because I avoided doing it lol) and the teacher said "You know that you will get an F then". Me: "yep". Afterwards we had PE class and in the locker room some dudes started to celebrate me for being such a boss and I just started crying because I felt so horrible and just wanted to die. As common in autism, internally I was so fucked up and almost couldn't speak but on the outside it looked like I just didn't care. Made school really hard as teachers didn't like me because they thought I was lazy or just an uncontrollable asshole or whatever while on the inside I was struggling so hard to just try meet at least some expectations. Never ever did anyone ask me about it or try to help me. I just got punished by getting bad grades. In my country we were graded for participation. This was basically a way for teachers to punish pupils they didn't like and I suffered from it a lot.
When I was a little kid, maybe around 5 or so, I REFUSED to brush my teeth. It got so bad that my mom and I were fighting as usual about it and she was trying to drag me into the bathroom. I pulled away so much that I dislocated my shoulder. This as I was growing up was framed as me being intentionally so defiant and it was even later told as a funny story because I didn't want my arm looked at and would pretend I was fine even by carrying library books in my other arm. I did go to a doctor and I was so scared of getting surgery potentially on it that I popped my shoulder back in myself. Also I refused to get my hair brushed. I would run around the house while my mom chased after me with a brush. I hated it because it hurt so much. (Mind you my hair is different than hers. I have thick hair that would break brushes easily.) I distinctly remember that a friends mom at the time found that funny and she would 'pay to see that'. There was also a lot of times where I didn't listen or respond to my mom to the point where she got my hearing tested by doctors and it was seen as a funny defiant thing because I 'wasted my moms money and time when I have perfectly fine hearing'. Of course as a child I would tell her why I didn't like these things and why I wasn't intentionally defying her but she didn't listen. I believe I was diagnosed with a*burgers around this time too. Now as an adult learning about PDA and accepting that I wasn't a defiant child as I knew I wasn't intentionally doing these things to spite my mom, I realize that this isn't such a funny story of defiance as it was always framed to be. I wish my mom knew about PDA. I wonder if my childhood would have been different. I knew these things were traumatic for me as a child but that was never validated. Now as an adult I still struggle deeply with PDA and executive dysfunction but oh my gosh it's been so helpful to know what this is, why, and what to do.
Wow that sounds like a very scary childhood being reframed to something healthier. I'm so sorry you went through that, I relate to some of it and it's really hard
@@anna-fleurfarnsworth104 Yeahh pretty much my entire childhood was like that and much more. I've been gaslit my entire life to think these things were funny or normal. I'm sorry you relate to some of it. I hope things are better for you now in life.
Ah yes, the freezing response to demands. That's what I've got. That's what I'm stuck with. I fucking hate the freezing response, especially when I think about what happened afterwards and deeply regretting not being more aggressive. Ugh...
I hate telling people when I have time off work- I usually take time off because I’m internally screaming from frustration, so I don’t make plans, don’t even think about planning things… but that means people feel like they can make plans for me >_
When there's an ulterior motive.. This is something I've always had.. So many people who came out as awful were mad at me because I was absolutely not having their nonsense..
This is 110% ME... that's one reason why I have panic attacks and then shut down (or start working drunk, that's the OLNY way things don't seem like demands, it's hard to put into words exactly what alcohol does for me, but it's detrimental, unsustainable magic, haha...) Even my riding lessons, my absolute happiest place on earth, feels like a demand amd I have trouble getting out of the house even for them, forget planning an extra curricular ride, I just won't do it... I have always desperately dreaded having any plans whatsoever, it gives me anxiety that I cannot bear, so I drink again... I am 99% sober these days, but sometimes I cannot handle life any other way, I just can't. PDA explains everything that straight autism/ADHD didn't, I know what I am now, and it explains so much, and I can finally stop hating myself for being ME...
One I realky dislike is if my friends tell me a "really good T.V show" to watch. Then I just can't watch it, I wanted to watch stranger things but everyone was talking about it.
When my Mom sent me to my room to take a nap I packed my suit case with every pair of "big girl underwear " ( I was like 3 ) I had and "ran away " to the neighbors house and fell asleep on her couch for like 5 hours ! Yah , PDA is NO JOKE !!!!
Someone telling me what time it is, or telling me to be ready on time. "You only have an hour to get ready!" "Oh youre definitely gonna be late, look what time it is!" Well, hell yeah, now ima be late for sure. Just bc u said that to me. I will make sure im late. Fuck you. Im grown. I can read a clock. Shit! Leave me alone. I got a plan, trust me. I ALWAYS have a minute by minute plan! Stay in your lane, and let me decompress, or mentally prepare, or stim or wtf ever! 😵💫😤
I feel intense frustration and mild anger when I get a random message asking, "How are you doing?" What I see is a demand being placed on me to respond with lengthy text, at what is usually a very inopportune moment. I cannot ignore it because it will eat me up and weigh on me if I leave it unanswered. I know it is irrational and that the person means well, but what I really want to respond with is, "How dare you!" Sometimes When I am feeling feisty, I do actually respond by asking the same question. "How are YOU doing???" There, take that! What makes it even more frustrating is that often, the person asking doesn't actually want to know how you're doing, and are just generally greeting you.
it seems like this could be a drive behind selective mutism. the more it seems I am expected to behave a certain way or respond a certain way, my brain is like "uh no, you're not only not going to do that I wont let you do it at all"... "and also you're super annoyed right now"...
Question for you. As a fellow person with ASD, do you also get sensory overloaded by smells? I do often. It makes itself obvious with foul smells, but it surprises me when it's a good smell, like lemon or Hawaiian or tropical scents. Sometimes they cause a physical reaction, like cigarette/tobacco smoke or the MEMORY of it induces a splitting migraine. Hawaiian scents make my ears ring, and lemon makes me want to claw my eyes out. It's like they are attacking my senses and I just want to shut down until the smell is gone. Is this something you have also dealt with? If so, would you be able to make a video on it? I feel like a lot of people can relate to your videos and gain useful insight about it. I personally thought I was alone with the smell-sensory overload until I was talking to my Dr about it. I think a video might help shed some light on it and makes some of us fell a little less alone in our journeys.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Yep, I already knew about PDA but it wasn't until I heard you explain it that I accepted that I am also PDA. I don't even have it that intensely, but it's there and I don't do many things considered normal because of it. Having a credit card is so stupid. Okay, Now what? I guess the next time I talk to a possible new friend about who I am I can mention this tag among the others I have. 😮💨
see, of course no one likes being told what to do, but does everyone struggle with things they tell THEMSELVES what to do? even if its an activity you like? even if its 3am and dead tired but cant sleep because for some dumb reason you cant actually physically get to bed and go to sleep? yeah i dont think everyone has that also i think the anxiety i get from waiting for something like the train or a parcel or even waiting in line has to do with this, at least in some degree. cause i know i HAVE to go by train and i HAVE to be home for the parcel and of course you cant just leave a shop without paying
I’m still figuring out if autistic or not (if my symptoms happen to mimic a lot of autistic symptoms because of the way I was raised or if I actually am autistic & would’ve always been this way) but I know I’m SO avoidant. I get this so hard with 2 things, when anyone tries to call/text me & if anyone ever wants to hang out, both things that sound amazing & I would love but my avoidant brain is like “F off!”. With calls/texts I don’t know what to say & I hate getting stuck talking to someone in the moment & I want to give it the time to give a good response, so I leave it for “later” but later end up being 5 days later 😬 I always wish I had a friend I hung out with all the time but when people want to, my immediate response is “ugh they want to steal 1 or my 2 days off” & I’m really resentful inside. Now I’m an adult I can control my free time (when I was a teen even it was controlled by my mum) & now I’m so possessive of my free time, but then I just spend it at home doing F-all recharging my energy 😅 I do badly want close connection but then when it comes knocking I’m like “ugh I can’t belong they want to steal my time” 😒😅
Masked PDA by fawning a lot, can't anymore, but it's possible to bypass it by asking me "Please ......for me? " wheras asking "Don't you want to.......?" Just glitches my brain.
I always thought this was a normal thing cause I seen memes that are like "When someone tells you to do the thing you were already going to do and now you don't want to do it." But I feel like I feel more of a visceral pain and dread and shut down a bit so maybe that was autism too?
I always thought this was just being smart. Like when I was a kid I just thought that smart people didn’t want to be controlled by others because they know don’t want to be influenced or start thinking like everyone else did. But as an adult it feels kinda the opposite.
You didn't mention the living in a fantasy symptoms but I'm just learning I have PDA and the maladaptive daydream essay I wrote in high school before I even knew I had autism was really my first self diagnosis. So silly to look back on now but omg
But isn't most things you mentioned as a demand as examples, actual demands in our lives? At least I see these things as demands too. No one *wants* to brush the teeth, we just have to.
PDA demmands- the worst is when im finally about to do a task I couldn't do...but someone "suggests" I do that task. So brain suddenly cannot. Also the demmand of deadlines...
ah the "look whos finally cleaning their room" issue. well i WAS cleaning my room but im not anymore now 🙃
literally I just stop.
Yep. I WAS about to do that....but now that you said something, mmmm.....nah. I'm good. 👍🏼👋🏼
Yep. The moment someone suggests I do something, I immediately don't want to do it, even if I wanted to do it before they said anything.
This is why we never end up in cults. Try and tell me I’m obligated to do something my ass 😂😂😂. Ok, bye!
I swear the autistic community knows more about how we are than any other source. I cannot handle pressure (or demand) well at. All. So I've learned not to put it on myself unless i want to feel bad about myself for not succumbing to it. I refuse. Life feels more gentle, easy, and flowy (and not traumatising) for me if i do it at my own pace, and in my own way. I wish we as a community could regulate our own community, instead of relying on doctors (apart from when we need medication of course) to tell us "how we are". Because we're truthful, we can detect if someone's dishonest (especially if someone were to fake being nd), we self identify our traits. And we'd name our afflictions with actual helpful words. I dislike the names the psychiatric community comes up with as they're damaging and misleading. I feel we'd come up with better descriptive yet unbiased titles. Pda? No. How about Self Paced Alignment or, SPA. Not actually this, but you get the idea. This way, you could understand from the title alone that this person requires living at their own pace to help them live a well life. 🤔
Totally agree.
Hmm, doesn't feel autonomous for someone else to name it. That fits and that was a reaction of mine too.
Life IS pressure, grow tf up 🚮
Except it Also includes bodily functions. So it IS pathological as it makes No sense to avoid say, going to the bathroom for a week cuz your body is demanding it.
@@Thecodexnoir what is your problem? I reported you so fast. Get over yourself.
I showed my mum some information on PDA and she said "Oh how lovely, someone wrote an article about you!"
Hahahaha!!! Hmmm.... I hope she's a supportive mom. ❤
my coaching teacher once explained double binds to me. a usual double bind is when no matte what you do its wrong. he theorized that you could create positive double binds with clients, so no matter what they do its right. i think thats whats important to use with myself as an autist but also with other people, especially with pda. you can do this, you can not do this, its gonna be great either way, im gonna be here no matter what.
Interesting idea, the idea of creating positive double binds (if that is possible). Do you have an example you could share of a specific positive double bind, what it would look like in actuality?
I would love to hear what method/example you suggest
@@semilorekaji-hausa2078 for me just a simple acceptance of myself no matter what i decide to do, works: "i'm here for you, i accept you, no matter whether you decide for what i deem right or not"
double binds are usually about rejection and punishment no matter what you chose. its wrong either way. a positive double bind for me would be connection and reward no matter what.
i actually had to work a lot to get to a point where i could give that (back) to myself. to not have to do smth to be worth smth and then failing anyway but instead being allowed to live no matter what and deciding what i want to do with that life from there.
Yeah I'd love to hear one about cleaning my room
@@elizabethlee2136
If you clean your room, you'll have less visual clutter and perhaps some sensory relief. If you don't clean your room, you'll have more energy for other things and less readjusting to do in regards to where your things are. Either way is a good thing!
Does that help?
as a PDA auDHDer, i've recently been sensing that my PDA is actually quite extreme the more i learn about it. this video really validated that for me so thankyou Paige 😊 PDA is such bullshit though, i feel like im constantly parenting and disciplining myself so that i actually get myself to fulfil perceived and internal demands. and for me; literally everything is a demand. even things i like 😮💨 sometimes it gets so bad that thinking feels like a demand. apparently my first word i ever said was "no" so that was probably foreshadowing 😂 loving your content as always Paige, thank you for another entertaining and informative video ❤
‘No’ and ‘Dad’ are the most common first words simply because the require a lot of tongue and not much lip, jaw or air. Yes and Mum are a bit trickier with the former perhaps more to do with the feeling one gets when we learn to say it. Umum seems to come before Mum. Yes is actually quite tricky to learn and why we see children often use a ’Th’ tongue action as in ‘Yeth’ or in a better attempt, block the Sssss sound at the front of the palate and force the air out between the back of the tongue and molars, which can be a hard one to change if it becomes normal.
I’m actually struggling more now than when I was a kid. I think back then, I managed stress differently and somehow found ways around it. Like I’d tell myself, I’m not doing x just because so-and-so wants me to. I’m doing it because I’ve decided it’s the best option for me under the circumstances.
At some point it’s like I stopped valuing my own perspective and basically became very lost.
Definitely PDAer. I am 44 and didn't realize I was autistic until about 6 months ago, but this has been my lifelong experience. I would ask to take naps as a toddler because if I asked, it wasn't stressful but if my mom did I'd melt down. Anything that feels like an obligation triggers fight or flight, especially social obligations and work. I like my job, my boss and get to work from home but I spend more time hating and fighting against working (which is miserable and I hate it) than actually doing work tasks. Being on the clock, no matter how low stakes and accommodating my job is, is low key enraging. Having words for it helps, but I really want a way to opt out of Capitalism and I haven't figured that out yet. Thanks for a great video and a meaningful topic!
ways to opt out of capitalism will come to us
Anybody else have trouble figuring out what's PDA and what's executive dysfunction?
yes🙃
maybe pda can result in executive dysfunction? pda is more core and executive dysfunction more result?
like you can have executive dysfunction by having depression without pda, you can also have it with it or “just” pda. but experiencing executive dysfunction won’t always be the sign of pda?
probably depends on the source of the distress. if resistance to tasks comes from a feeling of being overwhelmed with steps or being unable to conceptualize yourself carrying out the task, that is probably related to executive dysfunction. if it comes from a feeling of being forced, rushed, or pressured into doing a task (by whatever or whoever is proposing that task), it may be PDA. i assume they can overlap or affect the same situation in different ways.
PDA is executive dysfunction. Remember. ADHD and Autism could not be diagnosed together for a long time
Hey Paige! Thank you for this! I've always had this moderate , internal version of this. My mum has a severe, often external version of this, the point that when she clearly had a foot injury and I pleaded with to go for a 2 day hospital stay in August 2019, she outright refused until she fell in late Sept and I told the EMTs to look at her right heel. There was a silver dollar sized hole in her skin -- the bone. She was in the hospital 9 weeks and nearly lost her foot. She recovered and she takes advice more, but I can tell she hates it every time. I like the 10 min tiktok to YT vid format.💕
Omg, that's so me. Maybe not that extreme, but I always put off medical things. And the more people remind me, the less likely I am to do anything. Although I think part of it might be anxiety over arranging an appointment, talking to the receptionist etc, especially over the phone. Like, my optician keeps sending me letters reminding me to make an appointment. Just give me an appointment, my guy! I'll turn up! I know full well my eyes need testing, but there's no way I'm making an appointment.
You described my son to a T we just actually tried dance class and he ran out screaming and crying. I wish there was a better understanding. People in stores constantly stare because they don’t understand how overwhelming it is for him to be in a store when I’m telling him please don’t touch you know please behave please don’t race around the store with the cart, it’s constant demands so for the most part I let him enjoy his shopping experience, and I just take the stares.
so, you let your kid make everyone else miserable, so you dont have to do your job as a parent. disgusting.
6:28 i have PDA autism but this is actually the opposite for me. i am so easily manipulated because i always assume everyone has good intentions
logically ik that thats not true though and im actually pretty cynical about humanity, but in the moment of talking to someone i automatically assume theyre a kind person. this is why i didnt realize i was bullied in middle school until years after
edit: i thought about it a bit more and i wanted to add that this might just be because i have hyper empathy. i also have rlly strict morals and one of them is that judging people is wrong unless theyre like straight up evil
Me too
That happened to Danny Elfman. He got MeToo’d by a couple of narcissists who expect the court of public opinion to believe them and cancel him just because he’s weird if not autistic.
@@nuclearcatbaby1131 idk anything about that specific case, but i think all sexual assault allegations should be taken seriously. narcissism is a diagnosable disorder and using it against potential victims (even if you believe they are lying) makes others afraid to come forward about their abuse. neurodivergent ppl do get misjudged often, so i do understand the point you're trying to make, but autistic people can still be bad people sometimes.
@@_eIIiot And then the other one expects us to believe that she was his special friend for five years yet he never even got to first base with her, just wanked off to her in her sleep like some kind of incel... and this is the same man who married a Hollywood sex symbol two years later?! Also inconsistent with the other story since according to this one he needs her to be asleep because that’s his fetish while the other one said he did it while she was awake. I think maybe what it is is that he felt too comfortable with them as friends too soon with them so he told them a personal secret about how he feels more comfortable composing without clothes on and they took that to be grooming or tried to spin it as such.
This is definitely something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm 31, and have accomplished very little because doing literally anything that I genuinely don't want to do feels nearly impossible, and the adult world doesn't work like that. It seems like a lot of people discover these things about themselves and feel at peace with it, and good for them, but that hasn't been my experience. I feel like a parasite who chooses to not pull his own weight and not take responsibility for his own life, because I guess I'm still holding myself to the standards of a neurotypical person.
*if you're wondering whether or not you have PDA:* i have a PDA nightmare story i went through earlier this year, and i feel like it's a pretty good litmus for whether you have PDA. (not perfect... but might help.) i'm 24, but i think it applies across all ages. here's the story:
imagine you're taking a college course. all the homework assignments AND EXAMS are online, multiple choice, infinite submission attempts. so you are pretty much guaranteed a 100 just by process of elimination, as long as you submit before the deadline. finishing an assignment or exam takes you maybe 5 or 10 minutes at the very most, and you walk away with a 100.
*is this class easy, or is it difficult?*
for me (i have PDA), it was difficult. extremely so. i "missed" 2 exams and 6 homework assignments, getting a 0 on each. i barely passed the course. how was i expected to find the motivation to waste 5-10 minutes of my life every 2 weeks at least, literally getting no benefit, not learning at all, not working at all, just submitting something _to submit something?_ so my professor could pretend he was teaching us, when he wasn't? sure, it was only 5-10 minutes, but the mental block to even BEGIN that task was staggering. i lost that battle many times... hence, me barely passing the course.
my classmates however (they do not have PDA) found it to be very, very easy. 5-10 minute homeworks and exams, with no work involved at all, for a guaranteed 100? they all got As for the semester. easy "GPA booster" class. no stress at all. they loved it. they are always surprised when they hear me speak negatively of the course.
i feel that the discrepancy in my perspective and my classmates' perspective boils right down to PDA. i couldn't bring myself to meet this completely meaningless demand, even though it was fast and virtually effortless. so, if you would have struggled in that class (and not because of being forgetful), then you probably have PDA like me. if not, then you probably don't have PDA.
again, this is not foolproof, but i think it can be helpful. i wish you all very good luck in better understanding yourselves and navigating the world around you. i love y'all!! take care :3 ❤
yes and yes. also you perfectly described the corporate experience. i tend to procastinate when it comes to bs tech trainings at work because i get overloaded with the info but then i remember that those trainings don't have any purpose, it's another nt ritual for social points (just like some group assignments at school). it's like the reason why we as autistics don't "play with others", we will be doing the work while they chat about the work. they are learning how to get around the work while we think there's any value in the work itself. my pda is my cheat code now :)
THIS! I am in my fifth semester of trying to get my AA, because I keep having to drop classes due to the demand of the easiest classes! Organic chemistry? The best grade I received, because all the work took time and I was already in class so I might as well do it (as it was an option to work on the course material in class or at home). My required comp course to graduate? Easy for everyone, simple assignments online due every Sunday and late assignments are barely docked points. Not so easy for me though! This is my THIRD time taking it, and it's like nails on chalkboard every time. It takes everything I have to meet the easiest of demands, but because they don't seem worth it and I don't feel like I have a choice to work at my own pace, I struggle so much with it.
@@jaelaholberg4338damn, are we in the same comp class? Because I STG I got the same thing going. I'm even retaking mine for the third time.
@notville_ hey man, some things are more difficult for some people than others. we do our best. hopefully you're not feeling too much pressure in your life :)
@@tubbygubblerI reported them. they commented the exact same thing underneath another comment as well. they were just aimlessly hitting around them
I’m 51 and have struggled with this my whole life. Most notably as a child, homework was such a struggle that my mom would be called into parent-teacher conferences regularly. I also remember failing freshman level English because the essay topics were so contrived and formulaic that I could not bring myself to write them despite being a gifted writer. I also remember being forced to quit piano lessons because my parents weren’t going to pay the $5/week if I wasn’t going to practice at home. I loved piano, but resented being given an ultimatum.
Playing musical instruments is awesome! One of the worst things that a parent can do is force their kids to take lessons, especially if they get on their case about the money it costs. The really screwy part is that it can, in fact, make the kid grow up to be a better musician sometimes. It's just that it's more likely to deter them from doing it.
I’ve always had this voice in my head saying “don’t tell me what to do” when someone is asking me to do something.
The background is so perfectly matching the topic I love it.
I am a 54 year old female that could be your twin 😂 i danced all through school as well. My family life was very authoritarian and abusive., so I always thought i had ODD. The PDA- internalizer profile fits me perfectly. I have two autistic children as well and I was diagnosed AuDHD at 52. This makes a whole lotta damn sense. These are tactics i used with my daughter as she definitely acted more like me when she was younger than my son who has more external meltdowns and has the more classic autistic features. Even though she masks way more and seems more functional; the autism has affected is both way more (from all 3 of our perspectives)
You just gave me light about myself and the depression I’ve been battling this past year and a half’s is intensely related to demand avoidance which makes a lot of sense that this is the hardest time of my life regarding this sense of avoidance being a mom of 2 under 4!
I have not heard that it's called persistent drive for autonomy!!!! OMG THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING
This is me!!! holy crap.
Thank you - I will now be obsessively researching this for the rest of my weekend :)
This entire concept explains so much about why I struggle to be self sufficient in any way, with a very controlling mother, and whenever I’m not around intensely controlling people I’m quite capable, to the point where I surprise myself, and on my own in professional settings I usually get treated as someone with some form of authority, but once someone tries to dictate my behavior, as opposed to teaching or correcting when necessary, I get overwhelmed, shut down, and they have to walk me through every little thing.
This... is, like, cracking a riddle that has been haunting my life since day one. Heard you drop PDA in another video, and I was like, "PDA autistic, what, like a Blackberry? Wow, haven't heard someone say PDA in forever." Then I'm just like, that's got to mean something, and I see this video on the side, and... boy, I'm glad I did, because I am DEFINITELY PDA autistic. It sucks, but kinda like receiving my autism diagnosis a few years ago, it is nice to have a name for why I am the way I am.
Plenty of PDA example from being a kid. In particular, I just could not handle any kind of change. Like I had a fear of knowing what was going to be for dinner in case there was some last-minute change beforehand.
But honestly as an adult it feels so much stronger. Normal adult human things sometimes feel like such an imposition. For years I used to believe I was just chronically lazy, but over the past few years and honestly evaluating the tirelessness with which I can devote myself to a task, I had to admit to myself that no, I'm not lazy, but... I guess it's something else, but I don't know. Welp, now I know.
Making food. I've learned that I actually don't hate cooking for myself, but the idea of having to do the cooking and cleaning afterwards makes me just never do it. Ever. Throw something in the oven to bake while I do something else? Okay, sometimes. Actively cook something? Absolutely not. Even eating itself will sometimes feel like a chore to put off until before I know it I've been up for the entire day, it's almost midnight, and I have not eaten a single thing.
Having a job? Sucks. I have to do some incredible mental gymnastics to have any kind of job. I need to be convinced down to my BONES that my occupation has concrete meaning, actually helps people, and gives me some sense of personal fulfillment. Money and success have very low incentivizing power for me. I would probably wind up starving to death before staying at a job I thought was meaningless.
Here's a big one for me, especially at THIS time of year when I'm writing (Christmas)- gifts. Both giving and receiving. I HATE it. For most of my adult life, I've tried to live a very minimalistic lifestyle, and the PDA is totally a huge reason for that: fewer things, fewer demands. Fewer things to rely on. I don't need furniture. I don't need a jacket, I don't need to turn on the heat- I can handle the cold. But this is not the way the rest of the world works, and people who love me want to try to fill those needs they see not being addressed. But that literally gives me anxiety. For Christmas, my mother sent me a recliner for my apartment. There's nothing wrong with it- it's a perfectly fine piece of furniture. But I spent the better part of an entire day just AGONIZING over having this thing in my house that it felt like I now needed to need. Giving it away or not using it felt really ungrateful, and now I felt this to demand to be grateful for this generous gift. I myself was honestly amazed at how stressed out I was about the whole thing.
And giving gifts is almost as bad- not as bad, but still bad. I have no idea what people actually want, but at this time of year you can't tell people, "Hey, I'd actually totally prefer NOT getting things for Christmas, and, if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon not keep getting you weird stuff you need to pretend to like!"
You called learning about PDA "freaking life-changing". That's exactly how I feel right now. THANK you for sharing this.
This is sooo relatable!
I still remember my troubles with doing homework or performing set tasks that my stepmum wanted me to do. She thought I refused to do things because I was supposedly lazy, but it just made me very anxious if I was pushed into a corner. Now I even understand why I was so terrified when my ex wanted to move in with me, she kind of demanded it and this feeling of my autonomy being violated (and not the moving in part!) terrified me, so I did everything I could to avoid it, but she felt like I hated her and never wanted to move in, even though that wasn't the reason (I was a bit traumatized by the experience though).
And honestly, PDA is a huge problem for children in school when they write exams. They freeze and can't perform their tasks and then they hand in blank sheets, even though they were very good students and understood everything else. These autistic kids are not given a fair chance. If they get a choice task, they excel!
Wow I feel like this way of filming/editing was perfect for this subject because as you wrote in the description, you seem especially spontaneous and your video communicated many things to me, maybe because you were much more free to move around the room with the camera ? I'd already watched other videos about PDA but with yours it felt like learning from the inside, trhough the emotions and gut reactions, so thank you ! I identified even better with your experiences and could compare with my own feelings, and I think that my experience is very, very similar indeed :)
this made school absolutely impossible for me, i never did homework or studied because i hated that i had to be there. i was a smart kid, before high school i could get away with never studying and still got 100% on every class but in high school i fell hard and started failing most of my childhood. my family also placed many demands on me even though they knew very well that the more they pushed the less likely i was to listen, they just never learned and kept trying to do everything their way even though they had a success rate of around 0. and it's not even just that they could tell but i TOLD THEM constantly, this was something i knew about myself since i was about a toddler and i would always tell them 'if you tell me i have to i won't do it', same with punishments but more extreme. i also have arfid and as a child i was often punished for not eating what they prepared or only eating a little, sometimes i was even forcefed, and after that i would just go on hunger strike (i didnt even know what a hunger strike was yet but it just made sense to me). childhood and school were the most frustrating experiences of my life, but it's still a massive struggle
sounds like things that a lot of people with adhd struggle with. like "chores" basically. like the more you tell a person with this that they "have" to do a thing like brush their teeth or make their bed, the less they want to do it. like you know you "should" do it, but you don't want to. it's similar to adhd paralysis or procrastination.
Oh, oh, that parenting tip on how to word things so that they don’t sound so demanding! Super helpful!! Thank you!! I’ve been trying to find that exact kind of thing and it’s been like a needle in a haystack. Gonna try it tomorrow 🌻
life changing is the right word, i think i just found out why keeping basic everyday routines like going to bed on time feels impossible to me and always has because it's always felt like huge demands.😭
"that's normal, no one likes being told what to do" yeah ok ty for your very informed wisdom, but have you considered
Being "told" doesn't need to be verbal. It can be implied demands/expectations. It can be self imposed, projected or perceived demands. real or not, tangible or not, exclusive to you or not. any chore can be a demand that makes your mind scream in agony at the idea of having to do it.
It's not just "not liking it" it's your brain and body absolutely resisting something. And if get to it, you better be fast or hope you find a way to make it enjoyable, or you feel your brain and body losing function in real time as you spend most of your energy coping with the skin crawling discomfort.
Anyways, I knew I had it but still found this video rlly interesting as it made me realise a lot more things that trigger/triggered it before and I didn't know.
In fact, I already was, but I'm starting to become a bit TOO suspicious that my ADHD might just be a misdiagnosis and it was PDA... And I've been taking medication...
Also work and low demand life... I literally don't know what to do or think I have an escape... I jave PDA, working part time kills my soul. I need a full time rn .. so i can afford a a place to sleep/live. Except i can't even get past the thought of working full time... My entire body feels like a two positive magnets trying to stick together. I have no support from family in any sense besides temporary housing unti i run out of money and my life is turned into hell, so yeah. I feel stuck and with an increasing bigger and more dangerous demand on my throat.
Bit uhm tricky to navigate... My life pretty much depends on it and I still can't overcome my PDA...
this makes so much sense. since i was a kid i’ve told my parents i hate questions, especially about how i feel or how my day went. it brings up such a feeling of panic
Happy Saturday, folks! This sounds so helpful, excited to watch
yessss now i can just direct people here instead of trying to explain it LOL
thank you paige 🥰
I believe what would help the most would be if people understood their role and value in society both on a personal and philosophical level and engaged in communities that actually offer an identity rooted in reality.
This sort of rootless cosmopolitan lifestyle where you amount to nothing more than an economic unit doesn't fit well with pretty much anyone, but even worse so with the average autist. Everything more or less feels like a pointless demand in this context meant to satisfy something arbitrary, even if that arbitrary goal feels personally desirable. I think it's this loss of reason, meaning and intrinsic value and community that hurts autistic people the most. It hurts everyone, but ironically being maladaptive leaves you incapable of adjusting to a maladaptive system.
I just found it funny that first you are talking about PDA and then telling to like and subscribe at the end... 🤣 Thanks for the video anyways ❤
My son has PDA and I’m not used to dealing with it, but I find that if I leave him be and let him watch me he’ll just start doing things that he knows he should. The only problem is where safety is a concern. Like he won’t hold my hand and walk a couple of feet behind me even as we’re crossing the street. But I’m too paranoid to leave him alone there, so crossing streets are always the best!
“Persistent Drive for Autonomy” that is rich and true!
First off you are very pretty. Secondly OMFG! How did I not know an this?! Cause this has been my whole life! I need to get tested, I have ADHD for damn sure, diagnosis done, but I think i could be autistic. I’m not completely sure what the implications of that is but I share so many traits and quirks!
This video is so incredibly helpful. I would love additional details and thanks to you I now know what this is called so I can dig in and research some. Thanks so much! ❤
Mail is a demand. Reading a letter someone wrote to me is a demand. I could never understand why I wasn’t able to just open my mail and read letters! Also, makeup!
Curious as to what you think are the main differences with PDA vs ODD? As an ADHDer who checked all the ODD boxes in the "comorbities list" during my diagnosis I'm interested. The more I've been looking into things I've been thinking I might be AuDHD, and a lot of this "feeling like anything that is demanded of me I don't want to do" is relatable.... But ESPECIALLY so with figures of authority and self-righteous people, like it sends me into actual rage.
I'm way older than you and these terms didn't exist way back when I was younger, but I'm sure if they did I would be diagnosed with it! I was told I have anxiety, ADHD, & test anxiety! The demand and pressure thing they said was just a very severe form of test anxiety... I'm realizing watching this that this isn't test anxiety... 🤯🥰
Learning what capitalism actually is and that the real problem is government regulations imposing burdensome demands on people and businesses has been incredibly freeing for me. I was built for counter economics, not the corporate world.
This is so interesting. My daughter is recently diagnosed. At 4 years old she is showing signs. I’m going to start writing instances down. Anything I ask is always a no/ or a meltdown.
Omg. This is the most accurate description of what I experience I have ever heard😂
Wow! That’s the first time I hear about this. When I was little, my first world was “I can do it myself” but I pronounced it wrong (in french) and I hear so many stories about how I never wanted help! Now that I’m diagnosed on the Spectrum I guess this was part of it! But I have to say that a few people are able to tell me what to do. Only people I decide and there’s not a lot of them. So having a boss is out of the question unless they fall in the people I accept… and that’s the draw of the dice!
You are in my heart,
on my mind,
wouldn’t want to get left behind.
So many issues in my life naked sense now. I think that other instances where PDA is trigger at least for me is ad's and notifications I can't stand them they stress me out. Also if I have obligations I have to do when I get home from work for example discussing my day and having dinner I can't relax till they're done and I feel a sense of dread in getting home because of those obligations.
Something that can screw with me sometimes is how even mengaging with my special interests can feel like a demand after ive hyper fixated on them for a few days, eventually it just feels like this thing i have to do, which makes me mot want to do it until i miss it again lol.
Thank you Page! I really need strategies for working with a spouse with PDA.
I love the alternative label, but you said it fast. Something Autonomous. I was hoping for a beer label, although it feels like Pathological Rejection Screaming Dysfunction over what is merely a request for a preference Mmmm.
I learned a ton from this video. I only just heard of the term in Paul's Autism Summitt a week ago. I literally felt something click inside and a huge sense of relief.
Your video was not only clear, but helpful. Please do kore indepth videos on this because it really helped me.
I always lkked you from the time I first found your videos. Now I know why. I could see that you had answers for me in a way I did not expect. I learned so much from you and always felt deeply saddened when you were facing a challenge. However you helped me understand 1 person on the spectrum. Now you are helping me piece together the second person on the spectrum.
I am so grateful to you. Thank you.
I forget to say something very important.
You are a champion for winning your battles every day.
Is this an example of PDA : I will take the same 1 or 2 books that I get from the library with me everywhere I go and end up not reading them at all. But when I'm away from books for a certain amount of time, I'll be in the mood again to read. But it's like when I lug them around, and I get so annoyed that I brought them with me and just didn't feel like reading but doing other things instead.
Thanks for this . I now have words to explain alot of things to my mom . Couldn really think of a way to explain it but i guess its a documented thing and not just me
Very intriguing. Saw the thumbnail, and of course assumed the traditional PDA because I despise PDAs. Doing them or witnessing them. But to find it was a bit more than displays of affection, I watched further. I would definitely be classified as a "PDA Autistic", but oddly it feels more like a bidirectional affect in my interpretation of my own idiosyncrasies. For example, "Persistent Drive for Autonomy", I immediately said, "oh yea, that's me." I want to do things my way. Period. But in the "Pathological Demand Avoidance", I too thought, "Sure, I do that all the time." Guilt trips and appeals to my emotional center come across as manipulations and I shut that shit down. It's like "No, not gonna get the reaction you want from me."
However, I would feel it is bidirectional because of my Drive for Autonomy often equates to an avoidance of "placing demands" on others. Friends invite me to a party, and offer to give me a ride. No, I'll ride my bike, take the car, walk, what not, so if I happen to have an episode and want to leave the party, I am not placing demands on anyone else to leave just because it's what I want. I can stay or I can go as my whim desires and I'm creating a zero footprint on anyone else's actions, preserving my autonomy while avoiding demands.
That being said, I am curious, because maybe it's more of a spectrum thing, but some examples seem a bit extreme in their descriptions, sort of a pass for not committing to anything. If I'm placing the demand on myself, I never notice or react negatively it. I like playing hockey. Hockey, like all sports, has events and a schedule. My desire to play hockey, in conjunction with the demand for playing hockey coming from within, I look forward to each game with a passion and verve. I don't get there and suddenly feel oppressed with the demands of others, because I chose this so there is no demand or control of my autonomy. Any given day, as much as be sick with flu, or injured from a previous game, I can not go and let my team know I can't make it that day. Similarly, when the phone rings, I don't have to pick up, I can ignore it. But for the 98%, if it was my choice at the start, I've already made the decision so I typically look forward to the endeavor. Whether that is my job, cleaning the apartment, cooking dinner, you name it, if the original demand came from me, any form of resistance in the moment I squash, because I really do want to do these things, so it's imperative for my retention of personal autonomy to do them and not create burdens on others because of my mood swings.
I guess, given my age - I'm from a generation where we didn't know as much about mental health - I'm coming from the perspective that it is expectant upon the individual to solve their own problems. I have this issue, so when circumstances arise I must work through it, not "demand" that others compensate for it. Someone asking, "Do you want some milk?", is not an affront to my autonomy, it is merely offering me a beverage. I can say, "No, but can I have a water?" Part of my drive for autonomy is even so far as to make sure nobody else is having to adjust for me, change their behavior for me, or any kind of special treatment. I'd often rather they didn't know, and I'll that I'll deal with the fallout from that, instead of expecting others to "walk on eggshells" around me. I'll figure out what they mean and train myself to react accordingly. (Still a work in progress of course :P) I don't like when others put demands upon me, and yet to avoid hypocrisy I am more adamant about not to putting demands on others.
Again, that may just be differences in the spectrum analysis of "Why people are people." To that end, I do disagree slightly with the comment: "Oh you're just normal", and to respond immediately with a, "no, we're not," is a little self-centered. We are normal, because normal is a spectrum. Normal is a mathematical median which nobody represents. Humans are Humans, all the time, and as much as NTs are trying to put us in a box, we NDs are also putting them in a box. We all need to recognize: There is no box. ;)
Honestly explains so much about me and explains my attitude towards certain things
Naturally just saying no or really wanting to … having to stop myself and think ‘ok wait that’s mean they asked nicely’
it’s so draining
I really struggle to explain myself to my fiance when I get upset at something that feels like a demand to me. Thanks for making this video, I plan on sharing it with her
So relatable, I get stressed to extreme when ppl start with; you should, you must, why don't you. If that happens I'm looking for the exits!
I feel you. I fucking HATE advertisements, lol. They really aggravate me. I just about had a meltdown when TH-cam blocked my ad blocker. I was thrown off for a couple of days after that.
Usually I have a schedule of things, as of recent Ive been living with a lot more family members, I keep getting asked to do stuff im about to do and then I just don’t want to and refuse to now.
I CAN NOT… I CAN NOT ANSWER MESSAGES !!! Is the worst thing on earth for me!! And my family and Friends always laugh at me for it.
just going to work is horrible, like i dont hate my job, what i do is easy and i get to listen to music all day but im exhausted like i was physically fighting all day when i get home and i feel like any job i do would make me feel like this cause even if i "like" doing something if i have to do it right then i dont want to and it makes me uncomfortable when forced
No one likes working, not a PDA thing. Grow up. Before "well actually ", yes a very tiny percentage of people love their jobs but PDAers need to stop using extreme outliers as if they are the norm.
I remember at around 11 or 12 years old I was expected to do a presentation in class. I remember being called up to start my presentation and I just said I don't have one (because I avoided doing it lol) and the teacher said "You know that you will get an F then". Me: "yep". Afterwards we had PE class and in the locker room some dudes started to celebrate me for being such a boss and I just started crying because I felt so horrible and just wanted to die.
As common in autism, internally I was so fucked up and almost couldn't speak but on the outside it looked like I just didn't care. Made school really hard as teachers didn't like me because they thought I was lazy or just an uncontrollable asshole or whatever while on the inside I was struggling so hard to just try meet at least some expectations. Never ever did anyone ask me about it or try to help me. I just got punished by getting bad grades.
In my country we were graded for participation. This was basically a way for teachers to punish pupils they didn't like and I suffered from it a lot.
Gets better with age. But yeah, it's leave me the hell alone unless I'm getting paid.
When I was a little kid, maybe around 5 or so, I REFUSED to brush my teeth. It got so bad that my mom and I were fighting as usual about it and she was trying to drag me into the bathroom. I pulled away so much that I dislocated my shoulder. This as I was growing up was framed as me being intentionally so defiant and it was even later told as a funny story because I didn't want my arm looked at and would pretend I was fine even by carrying library books in my other arm. I did go to a doctor and I was so scared of getting surgery potentially on it that I popped my shoulder back in myself. Also I refused to get my hair brushed. I would run around the house while my mom chased after me with a brush. I hated it because it hurt so much. (Mind you my hair is different than hers. I have thick hair that would break brushes easily.) I distinctly remember that a friends mom at the time found that funny and she would 'pay to see that'. There was also a lot of times where I didn't listen or respond to my mom to the point where she got my hearing tested by doctors and it was seen as a funny defiant thing because I 'wasted my moms money and time when I have perfectly fine hearing'. Of course as a child I would tell her why I didn't like these things and why I wasn't intentionally defying her but she didn't listen. I believe I was diagnosed with a*burgers around this time too.
Now as an adult learning about PDA and accepting that I wasn't a defiant child as I knew I wasn't intentionally doing these things to spite my mom, I realize that this isn't such a funny story of defiance as it was always framed to be. I wish my mom knew about PDA. I wonder if my childhood would have been different. I knew these things were traumatic for me as a child but that was never validated. Now as an adult I still struggle deeply with PDA and executive dysfunction but oh my gosh it's been so helpful to know what this is, why, and what to do.
Wow that sounds like a very scary childhood being reframed to something healthier. I'm so sorry you went through that, I relate to some of it and it's really hard
@@anna-fleurfarnsworth104 Yeahh pretty much my entire childhood was like that and much more. I've been gaslit my entire life to think these things were funny or normal. I'm sorry you relate to some of it. I hope things are better for you now in life.
I am hyperlexic as well. My mom has a video of me reading a newspaper at three years old. I learned to read when I was really young.
Ah yes, the freezing response to demands. That's what I've got. That's what I'm stuck with. I fucking hate the freezing response, especially when I think about what happened afterwards and deeply regretting not being more aggressive. Ugh...
I hate telling people when I have time off work- I usually take time off because I’m internally screaming from frustration, so I don’t make plans, don’t even think about planning things… but that means people feel like they can make plans for me >_
When there's an ulterior motive.. This is something I've always had.. So many people who came out as awful were mad at me because I was absolutely not having their nonsense..
This is 110% ME...
that's one reason why I have panic attacks and then shut down (or start working drunk, that's the OLNY way things don't seem like demands, it's hard to put into words exactly what alcohol does for me, but it's detrimental, unsustainable magic, haha...)
Even my riding lessons, my absolute happiest place on earth, feels like a demand amd I have trouble getting out of the house even for them, forget planning an extra curricular ride, I just won't do it...
I have always desperately dreaded having any plans whatsoever, it gives me anxiety that I cannot bear, so I drink again...
I am 99% sober these days, but sometimes I cannot handle life any other way, I just can't.
PDA explains everything that straight autism/ADHD didn't, I know what I am now, and it explains so much, and I can finally stop hating myself for being ME...
One I realky dislike is if my friends tell me a "really good T.V show" to watch. Then I just can't watch it, I wanted to watch stranger things but everyone was talking about it.
Thank you Paige this helps so much
ESPECIALLY when my way... 99% of the time. Is superior in comparison to what people are requesting from me.
Or if it effects my comfort levels.
I relate tho this so much 👍👍👍 I think this is wath made my life realy hard in school 😢😢😢
When my Mom sent me to my room to take a nap I packed my suit case with every pair of "big girl underwear " ( I was like 3 ) I had and "ran away " to the neighbors house and fell asleep on her couch for like 5 hours ! Yah , PDA is NO JOKE !!!!
People trying to bs me/being fake af triggers me too!
Someone telling me what time it is, or telling me to be ready on time. "You only have an hour to get ready!" "Oh youre definitely gonna be late, look what time it is!" Well, hell yeah, now ima be late for sure. Just bc u said that to me. I will make sure im late. Fuck you. Im grown. I can read a clock. Shit! Leave me alone. I got a plan, trust me. I ALWAYS have a minute by minute plan! Stay in your lane, and let me decompress, or mentally prepare, or stim or wtf ever! 😵💫😤
Thank you so much. One thing: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn sometimes…
I feel intense frustration and mild anger when I get a random message asking, "How are you doing?" What I see is a demand being placed on me to respond with lengthy text, at what is usually a very inopportune moment. I cannot ignore it because it will eat me up and weigh on me if I leave it unanswered. I know it is irrational and that the person means well, but what I really want to respond with is, "How dare you!" Sometimes When I am feeling feisty, I do actually respond by asking the same question. "How are YOU doing???" There, take that! What makes it even more frustrating is that often, the person asking doesn't actually want to know how you're doing, and are just generally greeting you.
it seems like this could be a drive behind selective mutism. the more it seems I am expected to behave a certain way or respond a certain way, my brain is like "uh no, you're not only not going to do that I wont let you do it at all"... "and also you're super annoyed right now"...
Question for you. As a fellow person with ASD, do you also get sensory overloaded by smells? I do often. It makes itself obvious with foul smells, but it surprises me when it's a good smell, like lemon or Hawaiian or tropical scents. Sometimes they cause a physical reaction, like cigarette/tobacco smoke or the MEMORY of it induces a splitting migraine. Hawaiian scents make my ears ring, and lemon makes me want to claw my eyes out. It's like they are attacking my senses and I just want to shut down until the smell is gone. Is this something you have also dealt with? If so, would you be able to make a video on it? I feel like a lot of people can relate to your videos and gain useful insight about it. I personally thought I was alone with the smell-sensory overload until I was talking to my Dr about it. I think a video might help shed some light on it and makes some of us fell a little less alone in our journeys.
this is exactly why I think university was a bad decision for me, I perform way better on anything that is not demanded by university..
Thanks for sharing your experience,
Yep, I already knew about PDA but it wasn't until I heard you explain it that I accepted that I am also PDA. I don't even have it that intensely, but it's there and I don't do many things considered normal because of it. Having a credit card is so stupid.
Okay, Now what?
I guess the next time I talk to a possible new friend about who I am I can mention this tag among the others I have. 😮💨
My adult son has PDA, but I don’t very much, and we are both Aspies. Now THAT makes for lots of confusion! 😂
see, of course no one likes being told what to do, but does everyone struggle with things they tell THEMSELVES what to do? even if its an activity you like? even if its 3am and dead tired but cant sleep because for some dumb reason you cant actually physically get to bed and go to sleep? yeah i dont think everyone has that
also i think the anxiety i get from waiting for something like the train or a parcel or even waiting in line has to do with this, at least in some degree. cause i know i HAVE to go by train and i HAVE to be home for the parcel and of course you cant just leave a shop without paying
I was recently diagnosed with PDA. They are trying to find a facility to test me for adult autism since the VA doesn't do adult testing.
this is such a good explanation!
How do you help someone who needs to work but keeps avoiding it. Often late because he doesn't want to be told when to get there.
thank you so much for this video 🙏
I’m still figuring out if autistic or not (if my symptoms happen to mimic a lot of autistic symptoms because of the way I was raised or if I actually am autistic & would’ve always been this way) but I know I’m SO avoidant.
I get this so hard with 2 things, when anyone tries to call/text me & if anyone ever wants to hang out, both things that sound amazing & I would love but my avoidant brain is like “F off!”.
With calls/texts I don’t know what to say & I hate getting stuck talking to someone in the moment & I want to give it the time to give a good response, so I leave it for “later” but later end up being 5 days later 😬
I always wish I had a friend I hung out with all the time but when people want to, my immediate response is “ugh they want to steal 1 or my 2 days off” & I’m really resentful inside. Now I’m an adult I can control my free time (when I was a teen even it was controlled by my mum) & now I’m so possessive of my free time, but then I just spend it at home doing F-all recharging my energy 😅
I do badly want close connection but then when it comes knocking I’m like “ugh I can’t belong they want to steal my time” 😒😅
Masked PDA by fawning a lot, can't anymore, but it's possible to bypass it by asking me "Please ......for me? " wheras asking "Don't you want to.......?" Just glitches my brain.
I always thought this was a normal thing cause I seen memes that are like "When someone tells you to do the thing you were already going to do and now you don't want to do it." But I feel like I feel more of a visceral pain and dread and shut down a bit so maybe that was autism too?
Idk if it's related but I get really annoyed when someone explains something to me that I already know
I always thought this was just being smart. Like when I was a kid I just thought that smart people didn’t want to be controlled by others because they know don’t want to be influenced or start thinking like everyone else did. But as an adult it feels kinda the opposite.
I think i might be autistic and hear you talking about pda does explain some things about myself
Hey girl. I just found you today. I also have persistent drive for autonomy. I am a content creator and I struggle to make videos. It's so hard.
You didn't mention the living in a fantasy symptoms but I'm just learning I have PDA and the maladaptive daydream essay I wrote in high school before I even knew I had autism was really my first self diagnosis. So silly to look back on now but omg
But isn't most things you mentioned as a demand as examples, actual demands in our lives?
At least I see these things as demands too. No one *wants* to brush the teeth, we just have to.
I wish you lived closer to where I live so my daughter could have an “instructor” get it!
I have PDA autism and adhd so yes I am unemployed.
Best video of yours!
handheld makes it difficult for me to constrate
Anytime I think I have PDA, my immediate reaction is always I don’t have PDA, YOU have PDA
and that’s why I know I have PDA 😂😂😂