Why Rushing Into Relationships Hurts You in the End
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.ย. 2024
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The need for love can drive people who were neglected as children into hasty relationships that make life more secure, but that don't provide true connection. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who lives with a partner but now finds... she just isn't into it.
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I have no idea how I stumbled upon this youtube channel, but since I did I feel so much more comfortable with myself. I guess I could write an endless amount of lines to express how important what you are doing is for so many of us, but I'll just tell you: thank you. Your videos are so valuable and the way you communicate is so effective, I've been so lucky to end up on your channel. I wish you and everyone here the peace we all, as human beings, deserve.
Goodness. Thanks for sharing love with the community and me!
☑️☑️
How cool is Anna for making these videos. She seems so comfortable with herself as well, and I feel like you do too. And to think Anna started making these all alone without a team or any idea whether or not she'd be accepted for her help and her experiences with CPTSD. Super brave. And holy smokes I feel so grateful and lucky to have access to her advice and the whole CCF family here on the 'tube.
I resonate with this heavily. I have been a fast mover because I felt that if someone was bold with their expression of "love" towards me, that was good enough. All I was doing was recreating fantasies of a relationship I never had. I knew this had to stop.
🙌
Not wise to be impulsive. It's lust and limerance.
This was so G, I feel you 😢❤; but we grow, heal, and move on.
People think you need to be in relationships at all times. If you dont take a break and reflect on things you will get in the same toxic cycle
"I had the attachment wound that made me rush in relationship and the abandonment wound that meant I wouldn't leave" 😂 I gosh I felt that 😂 luckily I'm in a better place now, but thanks for saying it so plain and straight, that was brilliant lol
A game changer for me was learning that when you meet someone and you get butterflies 🦋 in your tummy, is actually a warning sign yor body is giving you telling us that this person is going to bring up our childhood wounds. It's the 'fight or flight' response. Not the 'this is the one I've been waiting for my whole life' feeling I used to think it was.
The butterflies feeling is chemistry which doesn’t always mean it’s your soul mate it’s a chemical feeling that most get I don’t agree it’s a childhood feeling x
So true!!! The butterflies I got were with the person that caused me the most harm.
@@teresareid5034 Not a childhood feeling. I think you misunderstand. The butterflies are a warning that the person you've met is an unsuitable match for you. An internal alarm system that is trying to tell us that the person is going to trigger unhealed childhood trauma or wounds. When we meet our soul mate the feeling is 'peaceful', a feeling of being safe and accepted for who we are. No butterflies, or feelings that we can't eat or sleep. Or obsessing over that feeling. Feelings that some might associate with infatuation. It's about recognising those feelings are not infatuation but our body experiencing an anxiety about this person we've just met. OK?
@@boyardstreet8357 Yes, because trauma and unhealed childhood wounds can be triggered off by our internal senses. Our memories can be triggered by smell, sounds or tastes, etc. The butterflies (and goosebumps) are actually our bodies experiencing anxiety about the person we've met. An internal alarm ⏰ warning of danger ⚠️ . Most people, including me used to confuse it with infatuation, or falling in love
Thank you!!! You are explaining it so well - So easy to take those butterflies for something magical, special…nothing magical about what is in fact a sign of fear and a huge warning to get away! I will definitely remember this!
I think we rush into relationship because we feel we want to be loved and we are frighten of telling somebody to slow down just in case they leave us and then that feeling of being left unloved when we learn to love who we are and be happy with our life it gets easier to stand your ground and say look I like you very much and I’m happy seeing you I just would like to take this slow to get to know you more and if that person respects you they will stay around if not they will go but it’s not the end of the world as you know your loved by you and you life won’t change because your life is going to be the sane without this person in it or not in it ❤️🙏🏻
Rushing and aggressive attempts at relating usually indicate someone has something to hide, in my opinion. That something is either very dark, rooted in fear, or mentally based.
I don't know anyone who moved in together immediately and it worked
she moved in, and the limerence ended
That's exactly what I thought!
I also have the same experience. My husband and I moved very fast. Pregnant three months after meeting, movies in at 4 months and have been together now for nine. I have been fighting the feelings of boredom with him. He doesn’t intellectually stimulate me but I always feel as if I can’t betray him. We have three homes, two kids and a whole life together. But I feel very unfulfilled. This resonated with me. Thank you.
I feel bad for the girl in this letter. I hope the person who wrote the letter can be more honest, kind to end the relationship. Set the girl free!
Have just started listening. I know that I am going to learn something huge today. I have rushed into every single relationship that I have ever had. Been single for seven years. Your channel is helping to straighten my head out. Thank you always.
"I had the attachment wound that I rushed into these relationships and I had the abandonment wound that I didnt leave" 🙏
Glad you're here, learning to heal!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Explains my entire dating history in one sentence
Yes!!
I appreciate the shorter letters that enable you to get more quickly to the point. Very helpful video!
Glad you enjoyed it, thanks for watching. - Ashley, Team Fairy
I have to say, this video makes me terrified. I rushed into my relationship 10 years ago with my now husband, we still have a good relationship and love each other very much. But I’ve learned so much from this channel that has forced me to change my way of thinking/viewing my past, etc… it just makes me worried that maybe I’m somehow lying to myself in this relationship. I don’t know. Maybe that’s also just the CPTSD not wanting me to enjoy anything.
you have a good relationship and love each other. It sounds like you might need to do things for yourself that bring some fire and excitement into your life. You have your marriage sorted. The doubts, the sense of lack, the boredom, those are all yours to work with and you are lucky to have a loving husband who can support you on that.
Good luck.
If you and your husband are happy together, then you lucked out! Sometimes rushing in to a relationship can work out in the end, it's just fairly rare for that to happen. Don't double guess a good thing just because of how it started. Still examine the relationship obviously, but the mere fact that you rushed into this relationship in the beginning doesn't mean it's a bad one.
If you don’t feel it in your soul..you need to honor that. Sometimes you can be with a good person, but just not good for you. Only you can decide that. I would suggest spending some time alone if you can and really attuning to your soul and let it lead you in the right direction. All the best on your journey!✨
I relate so much to being attracted to completely different people after working through the trauma, learning to set boundaries and healing
The worst thing is that people talk a lot but not about things that strengthen the relationship. It’s draining, very stressful and very unfavorable for the relationship. Not a good thing at all.
Yep there’s nothing like coming home from a long hard day’s work with people being hard on you and having your partner greet you with a good, long, emotional argument 😳
If only we could learn to leave a relationship in a state where there is not much drama and confusion, things could be so much better.
I want to sincerely thank you for giving me back the ability to feel alive. I've been doing the daily practice for about 2 weeks now and the change that has already occured in my quality of life is truly remarkable. I can finally draw more, do less self sabotaging, react differently and this single free thing is a crucial part of it and definately the most results I've seen in such short time. I wonder what's to come and I am deeply grateful for this opportunity :)
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It kind of scares me off when a woman comes on too strong for me.... Like they want something from me rather than get to know me....
I have a terror of being that woman! I don't know how to know what "too strong" is.
It's motivating to me that you waited until you're married to move in together, instead of shaking up
Yep. Met in December, married the following April....Been thinking what did I do since the moment we got married and nearly every day for 25 years. I am no longer me...stuck, unhappy....
Hi Anna love the videos they helped me understand my childhood although I am 63 finally I can see what my role was in the house. I. Was the scapegoat. I have be so misable in my life. I now know why. I am now fully healed with alot of help but as you know it comes back with every so often. But I am now learning that I like me.. You also may me laugh at times your honesty is too painful for me to bear I think that your parents are very lucky to have you thank you so much take care from Ireland 🇮🇪🇮🇪🍀
I've known people who moved in together after one week and one after two weeks
I just spent over a year getting to know somebody. We had much in common; however, she was more interested in some wonderful things that I did not see in myself based on past unhealthy critics. I paid attention to her values, which were different, and started to bother me. I have four grown daughters. Her two grown kids came over to her house in our two days of privacy unannounced and called every day for advice. Their needs created stress within her that she masked over and I felt it. I could not talk to her about boundaries without starting a rumble. It has ended with a list of wonderful things between us. With CPTSD, I need to be in the foreground, not the background to heal. Both of us are busy in our own lives. 2 days of a 'we' without the interruptions seemed a reasonable request. I must be careful of 'advice givers'. They are split. Thank you for your education with the power of CPTSD.
if you really love each other you will endure both in hardship and comfort
Well, outside trauma it is pretty common for lesbian couples to move in together extremely quickly. I've read about that. So it is even more important for trauma survivors to resist this temptation.
I listened to the first letter by "Tessa" and initially thought it was a man writing, not having listened carefully. Then I thought to myself, "I have never heard a man complain about a relationship in this way, thats odd", upon where I would discover that it was indeed a woman writing. Then this sad emotion started flooding into me, when I was reminded that speaking about how men and woman are different is tabu in my country, and how you cant overcome the social conditions under which love is distributed, no matter how many years you study the different brances of social science in university.
Thank you for your work! I am now retired and I am reflecting on my life and I see signs of everything you talk about!!!
While this reflection has been painful, and I am stuck for the time being, I appreciate the down-to-earth clarity you bring to the day-to-day realities of relationships. I suffer from the aftereffects of a crappy childhood, as do my sister and brother; and I now know why, due in part to your videos. Thank
you!
I really enjoy your videos and I truly appreciate your perspectives and honest and authentic approach. However I think this video simplifies things a little bit too much. I think before we leave a relationship with a good and safe partner, we need to look deeper and look at why things aren’t working instead of checking off boxes and only going by our feelings (feelings and intuition are important though) there are so many more questions that can be asked before giving one answer. Like if there aren’t that many quality conversations; has the person communicated that they have this need, and does the partner even truly know how important that is to the other? People cannot just smell our needs. Are their ways of meeting certain needs outside of the relationship without having your partner to fill all of them? What are ways that made you feel so connected in the beginning and how can you increase those moments again? What are your values and do they line up with those of your partner? What are things you can do in the relationship to increase excitement and desire, can you incorporate new activities? Is your partner truly not meeting your non negotiables, or is the stability making you feel uncomfortable and does make old fears come up which make you filter out the few things that aren’t good in the relationship. Good marriages and relationships are built, not found. There are some things that are deal breakers, but I felt like this video didn’t go deep into that enough. Before making a big choice like this, I think it is important to ask more questions and really put in as much work as possible. Just like a career, and anything in life; sometimes it is just as good as what you put in it, and how much you built it. And sometimes it truly isn’t for you, but before deciding that I think one should reflect more deeply on that. I love your videos and effort and I usually wholeheartedly agree, but I do think that this sounds like a very healthy stable thing, and that before leaving there are some things to be reflected upon. This advice sounded a bit too simplified
Patience my mom taught us, she also told us to never rush in anything and relationship. Relationship take time as everything else.
Yes , the kind of crazy we all know. But we do our best to use it as a guide because it tells a lot ☺️👋🏼
I think I'm too much into my model car hobby ( If you can't tell already by the name of my channel) for a relationship anyway... My hobby helps me get mind off of past heartbreaks..
Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team!
You're so welcome, thanks for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This story reminded me of my experience I had many years ago. I had my first boyfriend with whom my relationship was very easy going and comforting. But I felt that something was missing. Then I met a guy who seemed to be much cooler. But he obviously had CPTSD. He was very difficult. I felt very uncomfortable and couldn't open up, though he did try to be open with me. And that CPTSD thing that he always sought reasons to fight which I didn't have made me feel that I was not Ok for years.
thank you so much for sharing these wonderful videos, I've learned so much from you as someone who has CPTSD. So happy the youtube algorithm suggested your videos :) You give me hope that I can get better and heal from this.
Thank you. You spoke my experience. I only recently met a widow on a mature non hookup site. She hasn't even grieved for a year. I didn't lose my spouse but I made a conscious decision not to date for 13 years after my heart was broken so completely.
I studied for a Masters in counseling. I don't want a rushed intense relationship. I want a slow responsible relationship which takes at least a year plus of getting to know each other.
I'm only on one dating site. I really appreciate this woman but she is resistant to slower dating and the boundaries I have placed regarding not engaging intimately within the 1st several months. My life has proven to me. 1 sex first doesn't work
2 thinking the falling in love period is deeply mature Love is not real or healthy.
3 I believe we must know each other better than a year to make certain neither of us is still trying to place a best foot forward appearance. We need to be honest with each other before we can make a deeper plan... Apparently some women would rather rush into another relationship rather than truly know me...
No rushing no enmeshing no losing one's self. Ppl try and avoid their pain by pulling a Jerry McGuire- you complete me. No rushing anymore of any type or relationships. No speed round no race...excitement is not seeing ppl brush their teeth lol fantasy land...awful is too true.
Thank you 8:34 pm
I watch ccf videos over and over sometimes. Thank you!
You're welcome. Thanks for the support. - Ashley, Team Fairy
Ex husband and I did this for 10 years until he cheated…we’re divorced now. Unlike him that moved in and married his affair partner right away, I chose to grieve and feel all of the pain and suffering that came with the betrayal. I’m still healing and getting better as I’ve noticed the crying spells are becoming less and far in between. I’ve also becoming less reactive on his advances (he still texts telling me that he still loves me), I feel like I’m indifferent , like I’m in between worlds. As it could very well be the case, I’m preparing to live alone and try to enjoy singlehood
Yikes sounds like my situation. Unfortunately I had a child with this person and now I have to see where I’m going next..
😒 heavily depressed and dependent on him. It is a terrible situation and I hope I am not as stuck as I currently feel.
Educating myself on my past traumas and dysfunctions and I resonate with a lot of your videos. I am turning 30 this year, and I refuse to stay in this codependent misery.
Where as you say, it’s not enough for both sides. 💩 absolutely not worth it.
Thank you for your content, it gives me hope..
would he watch the Crappy Childhood Fairy himself?
@@shanobat5484 Hello there, probably not. He doesn’t think he’s the problem or recognizes his role. The rest is my rant, I appreciate to whoever reads this in advance. I don’t have an outlet 😂
He thinks I’m bipolar, and that I need behavioral therapy. Lol and I’ve tried showing him a video about attachment style and which one I thought I was (fearful avoidant) and he just had to say “… So an energy vampire”
He is judgemental about me watching these videos since he says I’m just speculating and not getting help (or medicated for bipolar & narcissism that he diagnosed me with 😂)
He’s hurt from his own issues and I’ve thankfully realized it’s not to actually hurt me, but it still hurts and vice versa I can imagine.
He also needs to figure things out and I’m just keeping my distance. But he thinks I’m a narcissist so I can’t win here and I’m a little scared. I thought I was crazy, and I don’t trust in myself as a result of this.
I still live with him but I need to get my career or job back because this is a huge no for me. I am also learning of reactive abuse and just trying to center myself to leave this toxic situation.
I was with him for 10 years, but moving in and a baby just showed us where we were never okay and that’s okay with me now.
No more trauma bonding here ⛓
@Inrivaallagofornow much appreciated, and yes. I am very much looking at myself and how to no longer contribute 😊
Wow, this is a situation am in.
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna ❤️🩹
Yes, I think uncoupling with Grace is very important. Albeit if the other person is there too.
Thank you
I used to work and come home, I couldn't afford to go anywhere, not because I was boring.
Your hair is looking great! Just wanted to throw that out there. Have a nice day!
Hi Anna, for cultures such as Indian, there is not really a concept of getting to know a person over months and years, esp if you are already in your thirties and forties.
I can't imagine how many people are trapped in unhappy marriages in India.
Very insightful and helpful. Thanks!
Yes ..I wish everyone knew this ..unfortunately we learn years later!
I met this guy who has been rushing me to into a relationship I think that's crazy I want to get to know him he's constantly begging me to do this he's in LA I'm in GEORGIA am I wrong for slowing his brakes and I am older he doesn't know how many yrs. All he see is let's do it. Totally afraid
You are right to go slow!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have seen a pattern. Every single relationship I ever had has followed the same course. We meet and become very serious very quickly. Then all I want to do is sleep. I want to lay there, hugging the other person very tightly. I stop working and sleep most of the day. When we go out I become so self conscious I can't speak in front of him. I plan to get out quickly and I find a way to cut things off. What in the world does all this mean?
I understand.......
Rushing is the problem
Thanks God I found your channel 😋
Love and appreciate your videos ❤️.
I’ve tried the daily practice a couple of times and it helps me so much when I do it but I struggle to keep at it for longer than 2 weeks. I’ve also always found it so hard to meditate.
I just always find myself getting sucked back into thinking about the trauma and overthinking everything and then all the negative feelings come rushing back in and I find myself back to where I started, emotionally dysregulated.
Is there a way to stay consistent even when you don’t feel like doing it? Does it ever get easier?
Same here.
16-year meditator here. Think of it like this metaphorically, you have a cup of black coffee, every day you add a drop of creamer. Every day you keep thinking that the color is not changing. After some months, you start to notice a color change. That is what meditation is. I can't imagine not meditating now. Further still, your mind is trying to sabatoge you. The mind is a high tech weapon. Drop your thoughts into your heart
If it resonates with you, check out the YT channel, "Simply Always Awake" ...he's an anesthesiologist helping others plus an author. Check his playlist Emotion and Shadow Work. All the best
It helps a lot to do it sometimes with other people, we have a community in membership that meet via zoom every day, and there are different times every day. It helps a LOT
-Cara@TeamFairy
True story for me It sucks to be alone and really want to be desired by someone anything to medicate that abandoned wound!
Meh more of that everything has to be exciting 24/7 nonsense. Happiness comes from within not from relationships or other people
All I can say is if you have CPTSD give this a try! I do have a question though. I've been doing the daily practice and integrating other healing modalities into my daily life, I recently left a relationship that I really wanted to work because I realised that if I didn't my childhood trauma baggage would follow me into every relationship. I've never put this much work into healing and I can feel it working but I honestly have been questioning if it's enough? Is this even normal? Am I not just using my avoidant tendencies to justify "running away" even though I feel In my gut that it was the right choice
Daily Practice is a huge help for me to get to what is honest :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
So true cause I didn’t know them and they were a NARC Pyschopath never again!
What I would like to understand is the different between BPD and CPTSD. All lot of the symptoms you've described in the many of your videos I've watched seem to be describing BPD. Help?
Yes, and rushing anything with CPTSD is bad too. Like rushing into a decision whether to go back to college or not. The CPTSD blocks your sanity. P.S. it looks like you've lost weight!
Great channel! 👍❤️
Thanks for visiting!
-Cara@TeamFairy
hi Anna, what's the right amount of time to get to know someone?
Bowlby is an enlightning figure on attachment masquerading as 'love'
How do people send their stories? I have so many questions but I get too anxious, I can't even form sentence properly 😞
I feel like I should tell someone but then I get this feeling that I'm not worth it or I'm just going to get Redeculed at..
hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Is it common for people with CPTSD to react to the end a relationship which is not working by immediately jumping into another relationship?
I have done this every time I ended a long term relationship. I had 4 relationships lasting from 5 months to 6 years and have only been single twice when they ended it.
I have worked with many women who need a new relationship to get out of an existing one, but this doesn't have to be forever! There's work to do to change and you can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you! I wonder what causes this need.
What does the real thing feel like then if one is used to getting attached quickly and has abandonment issues as well?
What if rushing things is mistaken as being fascinate if her and have no intention of rushing things.
Hm.... Self-diagnosed "boredom" , aye, and tying in a mutually exclusive sense of dissatisfaction immediately onto the back end of that? ..... Be wary of a tendency to act out trauma bonding based on what one has learned to do with projecting upon others instead of identify what is going on within.
Best wishes. 👍✌️🤟🖖 🍻 | 🥂
Damn. My name is Tessa. #shook
❤️
Hii di kaha se ho
The answer to the emptiness you, the host, and the other person in the letter experienced, is Jesus. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He can take away whatever you ask in His name. Pray! And, ask! He's always already in your life, whether you accept Him it not. But things will take on like fire, if you have God in your heart! I love you guys, and God bless you! ❤️ 🙏 🕊️
That’s just your opinion….
how did you come to the conclusion that jesus is the way, the truth and the life?
Nope. Nope! Nope nope nope it ain't that! I need human connection.
My friend married within 3 weeks, being a christian
I am Christian. Will not marry someone unless I know him for at least a year. I believe my ex is not a Christian (LDS) & he irrationally proposed on our second date. I almost told him that he was crazy. I recently broke off with him & am healing. 😊
Your content is so what I need to hear. Thank you for sharing your knowledge & thoughts with us!🙂