loving this. Just went thru a rough period last year (almost 20 yr marriage with two teens). Divorce was not an option, but possible physical separation was. Committed to 1 solid year of counseling, both worked on our spiritual journey. Marriage is better than ever now. We just stopped spending time & trying to see eye to eye on things. Lack of communication made both think the other was going to leave the home. WE are the lucky ones. I would say compartmentalizing is the way. My hubby says, "He takes care of the house, she takes care of the home." I cook, clean, errands, child rearing, homeschool, garden. He fixes house, car, lawn, pays bills, works. We overlap on caring for our livestock & extra projects. Never worked 50/50 nonsense. We FOUGHT so much & alot of stuff just never got done.
I have a fun story. My mother and mother-in-law were best friends in church when they were pregnant with my husband and I. I was *in love* with him at 5 years old. I knew I was going to marry him. Our mother’s friendship fell apart, and I didn’t see him for 16 years. He found me via Facebook when we were 22 and invited me out for coffee. We have been inseparable ever since that coffee date. Been married for 11 years and we have 4 sons. This video is *everything* to me since I will do everything in my power to make this marriage last 💗
Ahhhhh!!! This is so dang sweet! How special!! 🥰 My 6 year old boy is head over heels for ONE little girl with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes that he met at preschool. She ended up being on his t-ball team last spring. She is the only girl he said he's going to marry when he grows up- all the other ones to him are "ew". Lol. I hope he finds her when they get older. Even though she lives a mile down the road. 😅
I really needed to hear #3. It bothers me when my husband doesn’t do things the way I would, especially when it comes to our children. We have small kids (under 2 years old) and I am particular about how they are cared for and how we do things for them. My husband just simply doesn’t notice the little things and he’s not as patient. Listening to this podcast reminded me that it’s ok and I need to change my expectations. He does his best and I can’t expect him to do things the way a mother would because that’s not his role. He brings different valuable qualities to the table.
I’m a 28 year old guy and I would consider myself in the category of, “typical bro” so I find it wild that your I enjoy/relate to your content so much! Thank you for breaking stereotypes, and speaking on tough issues, you’ve opened my mind on some things and your video about daycare and the impact it has on children really spoke to me. Thanks again!
1. Take Divorce off the table (2:20) 2. Lower your expectations (6:10) 3. Dump the concept of equality (12:30) 4. Learn each others love language (18:15) 5. Keep dating (21:15) 6. Don’t let resentment settle in (24:50)
Ive heard two opposing pressures from social media revolving around Equality in marriage- women should work and have income, and men should work in the home and do chores. Both of these are unfair expectations and I’ve struggled with these issues with my partner. Im realizing now that when it comes to the home life, women on average DO have more spatial intelligence (awareness of the space around you, remembering where things are, care about decoration, etc.) and men simply do not SEE what women SEE. Then there are women with high earning careers who burn out and suddenly leave the job, Im one of them and I’ve seen my girlfriends do the same. Their husbands (and mine) are horrified when this happens- but we are not men!
Solid advice! My husband and I have traditional roles. But there have been times where one of us needs help and that’s when the other jumps in to help if possible. We are not in competition. We are a team.
I was about to VENT when you said "men and women are not equal"... but your argument is correct. We are different kinds of people, and it's lovely to embrace our differences.
We recently celebrated our 40th weddings anniversary. It's the only marriage for both of us. I can vouch for these 6 tips, as in one way or another we have muddled our way to discovering them naturally, albeit with a fair amount of struggle. We are not without our flaws, nor is our marriage, but at some point I think we both woke up and realized that we are the lucky ones. We've made it this far without "bombing our lives", (which is how my mother-in-law referred to her three divorces). That paradigm shift has been huge in how happy and satisfied I feel in my marriage. Reading some of the comments here, I am saddened by the state off affairs so many people find themselves in. For the person who is serious about wanting a lasting marriage, talks like this can be game changing. I wish I had had this advice years ago. It might have smoothed our path.
Also, IMHO Choose your friends wisely. I learned the hard way. And there's this cultural phenomenon of married women leaving their husband and children to go on over night or weekend girls trips. I completely understand needing some me time, but there is nothing good that can come out of Vegas trips and such. Again, this is my opinion and I have been married over 20 yrs and have seen and participated in things that jeopardized my marriage. Thankfully we survived. 🙏
1. Take Divorce off the table (2:20). When the decision is final we find ways innerly to justify it. But the psychological immune system works best when we’re trapped. The inability to leave creates mental, psychological opportunities one would otherwise not see. Play the long game. Problems can be solved by simply not leaving. Divorce creates more problems that can be imagined. 2. Lower your expectations (6:10) Set realistic expectations. Lower the insanely high expectations to realistic levels. Annoying habits are insignificant in the long game. Also no human being can fulfill all of your needs: Sexual desires, a great husband and father who does childcare n housework plus all your emotional needs like in a Hollywood movie. Decide what’s important to you n move it to the top of the list. Marriage at its core is about children. “Children need marriage”. Generally men’s wants are simple: a very pretty girl who treats them well and likes sex. Women would have a litany of pages of all the list of needs they want. Now a man is expected to be a Hollywood type to get any attention. And the expectations go up upon marriage. Choose what you want for life and accept the trade offs. Inflated and ridiculously high expectations are keeping singles from getting together and staying together. We don’t have a realistic view about what marriage is and what can be expected from it. It’s all about the Hollywood images. It’s insane and ridiculous. Got to lower the expectations. Accept the trade off for what you put at the top of your list as most important. Then accept to live with the trade offs. 3. Dump the concept of equality (12:30) It’s a lie that marriage is a union of equals. Not equal as in a partnership (as it should), but as though husband and wife are “interchangeable”. Marriage is a partnership, a union of spouses equal in value but wildly different by nature. In successful marriages each spouse focuses on tasks each has an aptitude for. It’s a complementary partnership (my term). Each is clear about their role and who is responsible for what. There is no need for constant negotiations which causes so much conflict, competition and complaints. Women have shown proficiency in the workplace but generally men would not be as proficient in the home front. That’s the trade off. Or, you can force men to be more like women (and we know where that gets us). It makes for a life of conflict trying to force a square peg into a round hole. 4. Learn each others love language (18:15) -Words of affirmation -Gifts -quality time -acts of service -physical touch 5. Keep dating (21:15). Keep the spark alive, the romance. Women eat it up. Do what is natural, what you did in the beginning. 6. Don’t let resentment settle in (24:50). Avoidance does it. It’s the culprit why marriage goes south. Remove it from your brain and feel the warmth toward your spouse. Address it. Remove it. Don’t let it pester. Persevere.
I think that applies if it stays like a marriage, but what about the spouse that uses the no divorce policy, as a license to do whatever they want? My wife had a friend ( SAHM) of hers that ( because of religious reasons), and her husband basically walked all over her. I mean she wanted him to buy something that was more feasible for hauling a family around in, nope we need a pickup truck, so they/he can haul a boat around. He would golf almost every weekend, he would fashion all his vacation around is hunting trips in the fall, I think he felt she was his maid, cook domestic prostitute, and daycare provider. I mean he never abused her physically or cheated on her ( as far as We Knew) I find that no divorce policy can be a mandate for in extreme case of abuse and in a lesser degree for bad behavior. My wife told me if I ever pulled any stunts like that not that I would (it's not in my nature ) but she said I'd find myself on the other side of a possible divorce now that little bug in my ear kept me in line.
When the decision is final we find ways innerly to justify it. But the psychological immune system works best when we’re trapped. The inability to leave creates mental, psychological opportunities one would otherwise not see. Play the long game. Problems can be solved by simply not leaving. Divorce creates more problems that can be imagined. --- BS
Hi Suzanne, I love hearing you. I do have a successful marriage, started dating him when I was 16 and he 17. Today we are 39 and 40 with 2 kids and still feel we were meant to be. I consider myself lucky but I also realized that even tough I have a happy marriage I keep reading and listening about contents like yours to keep myself reflecting about our life here and there and I strongly believe that this helps keep our marriage healthy. Thanks for all your hard work, you´re the best!
The idea of dumping the expectation of equality (#3) needs to be said SO MUCH LOUDER. The examples you gave (I.e. You make the bed, but have never mowed the lawn) is spot on. We should NOT expect the responsibilities to be interchangeable between each other. Yes, we can both lean in when there is a gap. (I.e. I’m out of town, husband makes the bed). But we put too much pressure on each other if we expect to be able to exchange roles constantly. Thanks for sharing all you do 👏🏻👏🏻
I think the “equally yoked” idea really applies to the equality part. The oxen can only pull the cart if the weight is evenly distributed between them. That doesn’t mean they do the same thing. Each person has their task like you said mowing the lawn vs. grocery shopping.
I think this information is helpful for people who are not in relationships with people who have narcissistic personality disorder. Nothing you can do can help if you're trapped in a relationship with someone with NPD....
Someone once asked me how do you stay married so long and I said when you have a bad year you don't give up. And they said a year ? And I said yes because sometimes you're going to have a bad year or longer. And they just looked at me and walked away. But my husband and I have been married for 46 years. And we have had some really bad years. But overall we are happy
I've seen people that used no option divorce policy in their marriage to their advantage, I know a woman that had no divorce ( due to religious reasons) in their marriage and basically her husband walked all over her because he knew that she wouldn't divorce him no matter what he did. She did that for years until she got so fed up with with his misbehavior , and basically gaslighting her for most of their marriage until she put the option on the table then he was threatening to kill himself and he do anything she wanted. Then He wanted to go to therapy and he wanted to work on the marriage now. Narcissist , oh. what a perfect playground.
she wasn't In Harm's Way with him but he just did whatever he wanted to do other than being a husband. he would basically go out and buy and do whatever he wanted without discussing it with her, things of that nature I think he cheated on her a couple times in their marriage. That was probably the worst thing. - she was determined do-or-die in this marriage and it probably would have killed her if she would have kept it up.
This was my life with my first husband until I had enough and divorced him. He did all of the exact same things except cheat unless you count endless porn as cheating. So much happier now and in a good marriage.
the equality issue is HUGE. For one, there are quite a few "things men do or are responsible for" that dont count, and then after that the distribution of equity starts.
I found out about Mrs. Venker via A Different Perspective. I listened and shared this video with my wife. I think Mrs. Venker is very fair in her judgements and drills down deep into what’s been said by others to make it plain and understandable. I look forward to hearing more.
Thank you for your truth at 8:30 that "marriage is, at its core, about children" and that many women get married because they want children. I ask divorced women: "how soon into the marriage did you realize it wasn't working?" and they say, "the first week/month/year" and I ask: "why did you stay together for 10+ years?" and they give excuses. The true reason: they wanted to have kids; a woman with a baby needs another adult in the home. They marry a man who would be a good father. Thank you for your truth, honesty, and courage. You are helping many young woman to not repeat mistakes of older women.
As a mid-30's newlywed, I really appreciate your advice! My husband and I had some in-depth discussions about our shared belief in the permanence of marriage. As Christians, it was important to both of us independently to come together with someone who was equally committed and devoted. We're still figuring out how to "be married," but the security of knowing God ordained our marriage and knowing we're "stuck" with each other really takes a lot of pressure off. I really couldn't ask for a better husband, and it's so much fun watching our love and comfort grow together ❤
My first marriage was based off of lies my ex told me. His family and friends knew it and supported the lies because they wanted him, "their problem", to become someone else's problem. I have heard about this happening to others. How can a wife or husband work with that?
I needed to listen to this years ago. I just wasnt attracted to this kind of info... i was in college and thisbis pretty much unheard of and banned in colleges. Im glad im listening to this now as a 35 year old newly married woman that has come a long way from the girl i was in my 20s and in college.
It is an illusion that we are interchangeable. We have both stayed home with kids and both had equally paid carriers in similar industries. I need to be home to fully do my job. He needs to leave and go to work. It is exhausting and psychologically harder to switch.
For the women, don't get fat. For the men, don't lose your income. On a more serious note, I'm not convinced taking divorce off the table is a good thing. Keeps us motivated to not get lazy/complacent.
5 years would be unbearable with a cheating, or totally disrespectful spouse., just to possibly have a little peace and financial security in the end. I'd rather be alone. I'll take my chances depending on myself. Signed, Alone and Happier.
lower your expectations is the right message, but pretty hard to sell nowadays. specially after people arrive at marriage after a bunch of pass experience where they compare everything against their spouse. "A was better at this, B knew how to talk me , C was funnier.....etc."... serial monogamy , promiscuity plus late marriage generate all those experiences. that later will have consequences.
When I was a young adult (man), I would tell my mother that I simply was not good at certain domestic chores and she just could never wrap her head around why I couldn't just do them because they've always been no big deal for her to do regularly.
You cant wash the dishes but you can clean your car? You can be always available to your boss but not your family? You can show respect and pay attention to a police officer but cannot take your eyes away from the electronic device to help make sure your child does not end up with that same police officer and arrested. Stop lying to yourself
Taking divorce off the table assumes you have a committed and conscientious partner, which isn't always the case. I've seen some horrible soul killing marriages that were based on divorce not being an option. Usually one of the partners is emotionally abusive. On the topic of resentment, usually resentment is manifested as negative thought patterns towards your partner. Half empty or half full can be the difference between a happy marriage or misery.
When I first saw the title, I figured my response was to say "just don't get married" and then make a comment that you actually can't divorce proof a marriage because you can't control your partner. But what made me respond was the first item mentioned, the idea of taking divorce off the table. I'm sorry but I absolutely have to disagree. In my first marriage, we were in our 20s and it was back in the 90s. I was raised with the idea that you got married and stayed married. Less than a year in, my wife started having an affair with a bad boy loser. For three years I did everything I could to be a good man/husband and keep the marriage together because I was raised with the idea that divorce wasn't an option. If I could do it over again, I would have filed as soon as I learned of the affair. Of course the better option would to have not gotten married in the first place. No, divorce always needs to be an option because if it's not, then your partner can behave as horribly as they want and there's nothing you can do about it because they know they're safe. I've been divorced twice and both times I'm the one who filed, which given that women file 80% of the time, I'm a rare statistical anomaly. For three years while she had her on again off again affair, she could always count on me to provide a home, pay the bills and take care of things in an effort to show that I was the better man, all the while she could have her fun with the other guy while he provided nothing. Even though she didn't want to be married to me and would rather be with him, she wasn't going to file. But she had no problem making my life a living nightmare in order to encourage me to be the one who filed. To this day, I'm still not sure why she didn't file other than the reason that he rarely had a job and couldn't provide for her. She could have filed at any time and because of our no fault divorce laws, she would receive the same payout she did with me filing or even if I had been the one having the affair. So yes, divorce NEEDS to be an option and I wish I had used it sooner instead of trying to keep that marriage together.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You really can't control your spouse, but I'm here to tell you that adultery and true abuse are the absolutely only reasons I would divorce and besides that, I like to pretend divorce isn't an option. I know someone who recently divorced her husband for apparently no reason. Maybe she had a secret reason, but she told people who asked that her and her ex just wouldn't have ever been a "fantastic couple". Basically, she wanted to upgrade. I think that's a shame and her mindset might have been different if she was resolved to marry for life.
I'm sorry that happened to you, but women usually don't cheat just for no reason. I have found that women that feel emotionally unfulfilled are the ones that turn to someone else. You say the better option was to not have gotten married in the first place, which gives me the impression that you had an inkling that it was not a match made in heaven to begin with. And even tho I don't believe in divorce, I do believe in physical separation for a time, in order for the other person to get their sh*t straight & face reality of having to live with the consequences. So you pretty much enabled this woman to do what she wanted, all the while keeping up her lifestyle for her...And then you say that you divorced again. I think people that are divorced multiple times refuse to see their part in the disintegration of the relationship. Women want to be emotionally fulfilled. they usually will emotionally cheat way before physically cheating. There seems to be more to your tale of woe, than " I didn't believe in divorce, was treated horribly, and happened to find the only two awful women out there."
@@pattyhansen7563 No, I actually think that most women are crazy. Women are the ones who talk about wanting just an kind, loving man but usually go for the bad boy. So men who would treat them nicely get ignored but the ones who treat them like crap are the ones they'll lust after.
Best and only option for men. Do not get married. Just as vention mgtow used to say at the end of all of his videos! Take that to heart men! Only women benefit from marriage in that they can pull the plug on it at any time and take away the bulk of your wealth and any children you have with her. The children are her insurance policy that the state will point guns at your head to keep you paying child support that she can spend any way she wants. And if you married in a state that allows alimony or spousal support you are gonna get got there too! Men should never marry women in any western nation! don't do it. You will be sorry. The days of a marriage lasting until death do us part ended a long time ago. Marriages only last until the woman decides to do you in. Or if you let her do whatever she wants and you keep paying all t he bills, sure she'll stay married to you... lol... she'll love treating you like a doormat and a septic tank
There need to be consequences for a no fault devorce. If a woman wants out of a marriage contract, the court must not award alimony, home, money. child support, and child custody to her. Women today lack consequences for their terrible decisions.
Any contract that allows either party to terminate the agreement for any reason at any time with no penalty is not a contract, it's a suggestion at best.
Well, I wasn't particularly pretty, but I was nice, treated him well, loved sex and wanted it daily, I liked to cook, I danced around and cleaned on weekends, I loved him so much and tried to make him happy... but he just wore me down and squashed all of that. I am very much no longer the woman I was. And on top of that I went from, "borderline overweight" to straight-up hippo. :(
Some husbands will never be able to love and appreciate a good wife, even if she fits all of the criteria Suzanne speaks about in this video. No matter how much help, counselling, and therapy the couple gets. And i guess for that couple, divorce would have to find its way back to the table in order to save the wife's life and sanity. That's my story too, and I'm very glad that i left. What a relief, after ensuring years of never-ending hell that just got worse and worse the longer i stayed with him 😵💫 Leaving him saved my life, and saved at least one of my kids lives too.
The biggest issue that I have seen in marriages is not men and women issues, it’s in laws destroying families. Can you talk about that Susan? How in-laws destroy marriages and ruin families? This also ties into dysfunctional families where there is too much enmeshment
Suzanne, in the last part what do you mean by the phrase “you come back again… come back every day, every week, until it’s resolved…”? By come back again, do you mean to come back to your spouse and talk it out?
Let us recall Kevin Samuels' 3: S*x, Sandwich, Silence, which is to say, the wild thing, food, and peace. Benjamin Disraeli married a woman with white hair- for her money, and he told her so. She just smiled. She knew polarity. When he came home from being a top politician in the biggest empire then known... she had his chair ready, with slippers, etc, where he could just relax. This sounds small, but it isn't. She provided a peaceful place for him to unwind. Within a year, he told her had he known what he was getting into, he would have married her for love. She just smiled. She understood her polarity. You know... every married man is a walking advertisement for marriage. If he's not happy, he reaches 3 digits of guys... women who crucify men in divorce court make other men avoid them. Gloria Steinem said women are becoming the men they used to seek for marriage. Great! They can self-partner! Women are selling a "wasting asset". Women are powerful in their Spring, on the Medicine wheel, say 23, when Nature sings the reproduction song. Summer is their 30's, autumn comes at 40. Men's spring is their 30's. In many cultures, husbands are c. 10 years older than wife. Childbirth is a major stress, after the 20's. Men can father a child in their 80's. Daryl Davis is a black jazz pianist. He talks Triple K members into quitting that organization. He has around 20 Triple K robes; when the guys give up membership, they don't need the uniform. Life talks women out of f*m* nism. Biology is a strong incoming tide... I visited Austria, for my honeymoon [she went nuts, I had to divorce her for my own safety], did the Sound of Music tour, which is nice. Included the palace in the movie Amadeus. The tour guide bemoaned the loss of Jewish merchants- who always had low prices, were great businessmen. The concentration camp not far from there was not on the itinerary. Over half of SS troops were Austrian. I thought, hmm, it's not like your people made Jews feel very welcome, did you... I am so amused, listening to women ask where all the good men went. Uhh, yeah. The good men go dark, they drop into brush, and vanish from view, as any prey animal would, when a predator is around. I went to a martial arts class, in a college town. There were poisonously feminist women 30-60 there. ALL of them knew Prince Charming was right around the corner, waiting for the right conjunction of Venus and Mars, to marry them, put them on a $5K/month allowance, buy the big house, do the vacations in Europe, lavish attention on them, despite their constant disrespect for him. They had seen documentaries, you know, soap operas, Hallmark movies, romance novels, S*x and the City, and so on, which are always precisely accurate depictions of real human daily life. They didn't have that fairytale life due to male oppression. I put on my cloak of invisibility- aka being a beta male- and listened and learned. They later decided that the instructor, a black man, was somehow sexually harassing them during the course. I did a VisionQuest. I can lavish love on people, just turning on the flow. Around those women? Cloak of invisibility. Need to get rid of a woman fast? Start crying. Act beta- you know, talk about your feelings, just like the feminists tell you. They're gone. I remember a woman about 55 in college- like this- she was desperately seeking Mr. RIghtWallet. They'd cut her off after one date. She had nuclear waste grade resentment, plus alcoholism. Oddly enough, Dr. RightWallet was doing his risk assessment. I was just a student assistant- she invited me to dinner, I brought my girlfriend at the time. Madame Battleaxe got sarcastic, and abusive, to the point we had to leave. Women wanted everything men have... now they have it, and they are upset... 1 in 3 women have had an abortion, has an STD... 80% of women consort with 20% of men. 10% of men are 6'1". Women find 80% of men ugly.
My grandmother worked. AT HOME. Monday was wash day. By hand- no washing machines. Stains were scrubbed out by hand. Tuesday: ironing day- with flatirons. No mixes back then; you bought your flour and sugar in bulk. In 1944, it cost 8c/lb. Only after WW II did prepackaged mixes come out. Wednesday: mending day- clothes were expensive, they had to be repaired. Thursday: baking day, baking bread for the week. My grandmother taught, before marrying. Her husband told her he made enough money so she didn't have to work. She was delighted- this was luxury, not having to work at an outside job. I met them, in the 1960's. Yep, still in love... My gramma was a widow 1940. She had to work. My father was still young; he had to work, at 10c/hr, to clean off old bricks to be reused- he said he was glad to get it. My mother made 25c/hour, in a grocery store- she would get flour "from the bottom of the barrel", put it in a bag. My father made 25c/hour as a night watchman. He got into college, at the height of WW II... he wanted all the college he could get, before being drafted. He wasn't drafted. He finished high school in 3 years, and a 4 year degree in 2.5 years. Socialists want everything to be free. Great idea. Native Americans had that. Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels originated socialism... based on studies of the Iroquois... and they COMPLETELY MISSED the spiritual side of Native Americans, which is the foundation.. In a Dakota village, a prime cut of buffalo meat was put outside the tipi of a widow. Like what happened in the small towns my parents grew up in- a widow known to not have much, would find groceries outside her door, from time to time, because that's just what you did, then. Women wanted to be equal to men. Cool. It's not so much fun, is it? Where are the female bricklayers, plumbers, roofers, etc? Today's feminists have a plan- marry a top 5 percenter, because they are all 10's, even if they are 50 kilograms/110 lbs overweight. The "wage gap" exists- women are paid more than men, for the same work. In the military, women can do half what the men do, and get promoted timely. When asked why you're not married, tell them "Women don't need men" and walk away. They will struggle to counter you. Best way to get revenge is to succeed... best way to aggravate a woman... ignore her... without distraction, success is easier to attain. Two birds, one stone. In Paul Revere's day, life expectancy was 43. First menstruation qualified a woman for marriage- you had to get moving, to have your kids early. Visit a colonial house museum- we have some in my area- or even civil war era- people worked 6 days a week, often, at least 12 hrs/day. The DVD players of the 1820's were Shakespeare's plays. Alexis de Tocqueville noted this. 1950's American women had a life better than that of 70% of women worldwide. THEN they decided that women needed men like a fish needed a bicycle. No problem. Bicycles don't need the fish, either. I do not know any single men over 35, who has any interest in a committed relationship with a woman. Single men over 40 avoid women, as the massive risk they are, with resentment, and false claims, and so on... Men are forced to assess risk. Relationships with women? "Achtung, minen" [Warning, active mine field]. Many women seem to have completed their BSC degree. B*t Sh*t Crazy. I have never slept around. My first & second wife did play around... I cut them off. Not time for that BS, or for the MS- degree- More of the Same- or the PhD- Piled Higher and Deeper... Modern women are not making men walk away from dating, nope, they are making men RUN away from dating, at top speed, evading fire, & taking cover. I speak w/teenagers, & young men in their 20's. They think prenuptial agreements stand up in court/ they aren't the 50 meter target on the firing range- for women- the target nobody misses. I get older guys, and even women, talking- to learn. I knew I was totally ignorant, and needed to learn. The veterans often had great wisdom, and were willing to share it, with someone who listened. The wedding stores in my area have all gone out of business... There ARE no soulmates, any more than there is a Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny. There may be compatible ladies, guys, whose minds and hearts aren't totally toxic, but all relationships are imperfect. It's just the way it is. We live in a world where: Body count is a boast. Car/fem milage doesn't matter. Rain does not wet the ground. Fish fly a mile over the ocean. Fast food is nutritious. Poisoning one's soul with hatred and resentment makes a woman far more attractive to the alpha male she wants. Adorning one's body with toxic cosmetics doesn't poison the liver and kidneys. Pouring out hatred and resentment on men makes them want women. Hallmark movies, Soap operas, romance movies, Disney heroines- are all documentaries of how the world works. Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus, and 20 years of throwing away your value absolutely gets you Mr. Big, just like in Sex and the City, which is also a documentary. The Romans used to line the Appian way with the bodies of crucified men, as an object lesson. Divorce courts perform the same function, in our society.
As a woman, this is what i want in my husband. 1. Pays the bills 2. Gives me an orgasm several times a week, 3. cleans or hires a cleaning company to come thru once a week, 4. Maintains the cars ( oil change, detailing) .5. Shovels the snow and salt. I dont have a height or weight requirement. He doesn't have to make 6 figures cause i can definitely assist him in his goals, and we can get there together. I dont mind doing the cooking, the daily maintenance of the home. The cleaning company does the deep cleaning stuff. I have a.d.d so its hard for me to organize that type of thing. It seems simple, but a man will say " You want too much" . Oh and acts of services and gifts are my love language. I like to show my love by physical touch and acts of service but i will adjust the way i show love for him. But will he adjust for me? Probably not, ill have to show him and remind him which isnt fair....
Doesn't the competition of things that men want in women that women can't help or change much like looks or sexual abilities/drive the reason women compete the way they do?
16:29 Yeah, women can do the masculine work outside the home.. With the governments fist on the scale lol Most of the Sheconomy is adult women welfare.
yeah and look what happened to Caesar... lol... same thing happens to men who get married to western women. over 80% of divorces in the west are initiated by women. And in the majority of those divorces there is no domestic violence going on by the men against the women... hence not done for 'cause'. Oh well...
Take divorce off the table. Lower your expectations. Dump the concept of equality. Learn each other's love language. Keep dating. Don't let resentment settle in. ----- I’ve tried to follow those things for 27 YEARS. I’ve been beating my head against the wall for all that time. I’ve done the NOT LEAVING and I live in HELL. Your advice is crap.
I think women have an unachievable list of requirements for a man, as a concept. But when they are in some way forced to be around a man, they begin qualifying him. For example. I have never had success asking a woman I barely know out on a date. I rarely got the date, and when I did, It never went anywhere. But when a woman has to work with me, or study with me, or just be the two singles in a group of friends who already have theirs; they often would end up falling for me. Sometimes when I really didn't even want them to. So if any young man is vexed by what he heard today, just chill out and be around women. Be politely flirty with the ones you're interested in but don't fixate on any one in particular. You'll find that they do the heavy lifting of making it obvious you've got a real shot. I'm not handsome. I'm not even ruggedly handsome. Just rugged and not fat. I'm not rich and I don't have a high status job. But it's fairly interesting and valued by society enough where I have good benefits, and what was decent pay before 2020. (I don't think women understand inflation as much as men though) You'll actually find that women's real standards are far lower than their fantasy standards. Give them the chance and they'll write a fantasy about you.
True. I have been writing a fantasy about my husband for 21 years! The more I was around him, the more I wanted to be around him. I find him fascinating. When I have an option to go do something on my own (or with family/friend) or be around him, I almost always hang around waiting on him. Sometimes I don't even need his presence in the house. just knowing that he is around somewhere - barn, woods, hay lot...anywhere. Its comforting to me. He is a rugged guy, too! He NEVER would have asked me out. I saw him standing in his driveway, turned my car around & went back to talk to him. he tells people that I hunted him down. (I did know of him - not a total stranger. We grew up 5 houses apart LOL)
You cannot divorce proof a marriage. If you could, it would become about one person controlling another and there is no love in that. You cannot put a contract on love. People must accept that in a long term relationship, you will fall in and out of love. Sometimes the only way to heal is to end a broken marriage. Once both parties heal post divorce, a beautiful connection/friendship can emerge. But again, you cannot divorce-proof a marriage, since there are no guarantees in love.
All 6 are good advices. But that is not enough. Here are the missing ones: 1) The husband must act as the leader of the relationship as a competent strong masculine man who provides and protects his family. He needs to be the dominant partner (inside and outside the bedroom) while showing affection, love, respect for his wife. 2) He must stay true on his purpose. He must work hard to prosper in his career/business. He must have his own circle of friends, hobbies, interests, and ambitions. He must not make his wife the center of his life. 3) He must maintain emotional strength and stability in trying situations including emotional drama and turmoil his wife may bring. He must not give in to any unreasonable selfish request from his wife. He must not allow his wife to show disrespect for him. 4) He must ensure the wife does her duties: stay fit and feminine, cook and clean, be a good mother, and of course provide him regular sex (unless there is a medical issue or a temporary issue). 5) He must take care of the household needs as much as possible and support his wife as needed. 6) He must not allow his wife to put herself in a situation where she might get tempted to cheat on him with another person (man or woman). He must never trust his wife completely regarding sexual discretion. He must not ignore any red flag that may show signs of cheating. He must make it clear to his wife from the beginning of the relationship that any cheating (even any attempt) will result in immediate divorce (which will take effect based on the infidelity clause in their prenup). He must not show any tolerance on cheating or the idea of open marriage. He must make it clear that he will walk away from her permanently if she crosses the boundaries and he will never give her a second chance.
4) He must ensure the wife does her duties: stay fit and feminine, cook and clean, be a good mother, and of course provide him regular sex (unless there is a medical issue or a temporary issue). ----/ Since you are the expert, how do you ensure the above?
@@s1n4m1n -- He must ensure by demanding she performs the wifely duties or risks divorce. These wifely duties were agreed upon by her before she entered the marriage. If she does not want to do it, she will become single.
The best method to repel divorce is to avoid marriage all together. Divorce proofing your marriage is a misnomer, the risk will always be there because the right to divorce will always be there . Just avoid it fellas , marriage is not worth the risk anymore.
This was Paul’s answer to marriage 😂 it causes one to be concerned with cares of this world. But some people cannot handle the loneliness and sexual desire that overcomes them. And I do believe that Paul was referring to this when he mentions people burning in their flesh. Yes it’s sexual drive but also I believe a yearning that some people have to be with a partner.
@@but_iWantedTo_speakGerman who says you can't have children via surrogacy? I've assisted many men of wealth in doing so in mexico. Others do this in other countries. Passport bro's are going to change the way men of the west enjoy and live their lives. Western women can enjoy you and your money. Not ours.
Don't get married works pretty well as well........ The legal deck is stacked against men so just don't get married. 80% of divorces are filed by the princess that woke up and decided to get a divorce.
Mgtow is the only winning move for all western men. But the move with winning and happiness is getting a passport and traveling to non-western countries to find and date women. Do not marry them though. They will pressure you to return to the USA and bring them along, and at that moment they will become even worse than the worst feminist you've ever known and you will quickly become separated from your wealth and your children's lives.
Come back every day or week until it is resolved sounds a lot like nagging. What if it is something the other spouse never agreed to BEFORE marriage and likely never will... let's see...I can think of one MASSIVE third rail NO ONE wants to go near. Whomever the lowest drive spouse is telling the other the are DONE with sex in the marriage. But this is usually wildly unbalanced because, like everything else no matter if higher is male or female the MALE is at fault. Men are expected to go on HRT but for the woman the advice in columns and what not say it his her "option". Basically her body, her choice. Even if it is a medical condition that will destroy marriage eventually. If it was condition breadwinner ignored so didn't have to work any more EVERYONE would hound them out of town. But the shoe doesn't seem to EVER go on the OTHER foot except in Cinderella. Well isn't that special. Church Lady And there are horses of them just waiting to burn someone at the stake on social media. HA!
I disagree with most of these. Sounds like what every popular person is jumping on the bandwagon saying. Make sure you know their live language? Date nights? Just modern day stupidity and you will fail!
I appreciate your podcasts. 🫶 I first heard about you when you were on “The Spillover” with Alex Clark (love you that show!) & you spoke about daycares and their affects on families. This particular episode is a great reminder I want to listen more often and share. You have a real gift of speaking in a comforting way, from the heart. Have you done marriage counseling for others in person? If not, I know for sure couples would benefit for your counsel. Eager to continue to listen. I’ve been blessed to be married to my husband now for 8 years and together for almost 10! One thing I have as priority in my heart that him and I need to work on is quality time. It can be tricky for us to plan out that focused time together.
loving this. Just went thru a rough period last year (almost 20 yr marriage with two teens). Divorce was not an option, but possible physical separation was. Committed to 1 solid year of counseling, both worked on our spiritual journey. Marriage is better than ever now. We just stopped spending time & trying to see eye to eye on things. Lack of communication made both think the other was going to leave the home. WE are the lucky ones. I would say compartmentalizing is the way. My hubby says, "He takes care of the house, she takes care of the home." I cook, clean, errands, child rearing, homeschool, garden. He fixes house, car, lawn, pays bills, works. We overlap on caring for our livestock & extra projects. Never worked 50/50 nonsense. We FOUGHT so much & alot of stuff just never got done.
I have a fun story.
My mother and mother-in-law were best friends in church when they were pregnant with my husband and I. I was *in love* with him at 5 years old. I knew I was going to marry him.
Our mother’s friendship fell apart, and I didn’t see him for 16 years.
He found me via Facebook when we were 22 and invited me out for coffee. We have been inseparable ever since that coffee date. Been married for 11 years and we have 4 sons.
This video is *everything* to me since I will do everything in my power to make this marriage last 💗
Ahhhhh!!! This is so dang sweet! How special!! 🥰 My 6 year old boy is head over heels for ONE little girl with curly blonde hair and big blue eyes that he met at preschool. She ended up being on his t-ball team last spring. She is the only girl he said he's going to marry when he grows up- all the other ones to him are "ew". Lol. I hope he finds her when they get older. Even though she lives a mile down the road. 😅
I'm curious! are your mammas kind to each other again? I hope for your children's sake at least they are. Beautiful story
@@hespeaksinourdreams3060this was my question too 😂
I really needed to hear #3. It bothers me when my husband doesn’t do things the way I would, especially when it comes to our children. We have small kids (under 2 years old) and I am particular about how they are cared for and how we do things for them. My husband just simply doesn’t notice the little things and he’s not as patient. Listening to this podcast reminded me that it’s ok and I need to change my expectations. He does his best and I can’t expect him to do things the way a mother would because that’s not his role. He brings different valuable qualities to the table.
Amen
I’m a 28 year old guy and I would consider myself in the category of, “typical bro” so I find it wild that your I enjoy/relate to your content so much! Thank you for breaking stereotypes, and speaking on tough issues, you’ve opened my mind on some things and your video about daycare and the impact it has on children really spoke to me.
Thanks again!
1. Take Divorce off the table (2:20)
2. Lower your expectations (6:10)
3. Dump the concept of equality (12:30)
4. Learn each others love language (18:15)
5. Keep dating (21:15)
6. Don’t let resentment settle in (24:50)
Many thanks. What I find amazing is that creators don't take the time to add these stamps.
Wow! I have thought of all these! I agree ! Thanks for sharing them.
Any woman can divorce wreck their husband... The answer is still mgtow is freedom!
Ive heard two opposing pressures from social media revolving around Equality in marriage- women should work and have income, and men should work in the home and do chores. Both of these are unfair expectations and I’ve struggled with these issues with my partner. Im realizing now that when it comes to the home life, women on average DO have more spatial intelligence (awareness of the space around you, remembering where things are, care about decoration, etc.) and men simply do not SEE what women SEE. Then there are women with high earning careers who burn out and suddenly leave the job, Im one of them and I’ve seen my girlfriends do the same. Their husbands (and mine) are horrified when this happens- but we are not men!
Solid advice! My husband and I have traditional roles. But there have been times where one of us needs help and that’s when the other jumps in to help if possible. We are not in competition. We are a team.
I was about to VENT when you said "men and women are not equal"... but your argument is correct. We are different kinds of people, and it's lovely to embrace our differences.
We recently celebrated our 40th weddings anniversary. It's the only marriage for both of us. I can vouch for these 6 tips, as in one way or another we have muddled our way to discovering them naturally, albeit with a fair amount of struggle. We are not without our flaws, nor is our marriage, but at some point I think we both woke up and realized that we are the lucky ones. We've made it this far without "bombing our lives", (which is how my mother-in-law referred to her three divorces). That paradigm shift has been huge in how happy and satisfied I feel in my marriage. Reading some of the comments here, I am saddened by the state off affairs so many people find themselves in. For the person who is serious about wanting a lasting marriage, talks like this can be game changing. I wish I had had this advice years ago. It might have smoothed our path.
Also, IMHO Choose your friends wisely. I learned the hard way. And there's this cultural phenomenon of married women leaving their husband and children to go on over night or weekend girls trips. I completely understand needing some me time, but there is nothing good that can come out of Vegas trips and such. Again, this is my opinion and I have been married over 20 yrs and have seen and participated in things that jeopardized my marriage. Thankfully we survived. 🙏
1. Take Divorce off the table (2:20).
When the decision is final we find ways innerly to justify it. But the psychological immune system works best when we’re trapped. The inability to leave creates mental, psychological opportunities one would otherwise not see. Play the long game. Problems can be solved by simply not leaving. Divorce creates more problems that can be imagined.
2. Lower your expectations (6:10) Set realistic expectations. Lower the insanely high expectations to realistic levels. Annoying habits are insignificant in the long game. Also no human being can fulfill all of your needs: Sexual desires, a great husband and father who does childcare n housework plus all your emotional needs like in a Hollywood movie. Decide what’s important to you n move it to the top of the list. Marriage at its core is about children. “Children need marriage”. Generally men’s wants are simple: a very pretty girl who treats them well and likes sex. Women would have a litany of pages of all the list of needs they want. Now a man is expected to be a Hollywood type to get any attention. And the expectations go up upon marriage. Choose what you want for life and accept the trade offs. Inflated and ridiculously high expectations are keeping singles from getting together and staying together. We don’t have a realistic view about what marriage is and what can be expected from it. It’s all about the Hollywood images. It’s insane and ridiculous. Got to lower the expectations. Accept the trade off for what you put at the top of your list as most important. Then accept to live with the trade offs.
3. Dump the concept of equality (12:30)
It’s a lie that marriage is a union of equals. Not equal as in a partnership (as it should), but as though husband and wife are “interchangeable”. Marriage is a partnership, a union of spouses equal in value but wildly different by nature. In successful marriages each spouse focuses on tasks each has an aptitude for. It’s a complementary partnership (my term). Each is clear about their role and who is responsible for what. There is no need for constant negotiations which causes so much conflict, competition and complaints. Women have shown proficiency in the workplace but generally men would not be as proficient in the home front. That’s the trade off. Or, you can force men to be more like women (and we know where that gets us). It makes for a life of conflict trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
4. Learn each others love language (18:15)
-Words of affirmation
-Gifts
-quality time
-acts of service
-physical touch
5. Keep dating (21:15). Keep the spark alive, the romance. Women eat it up. Do what is natural, what you did in the beginning.
6. Don’t let resentment settle in (24:50). Avoidance does it. It’s the culprit why marriage goes south. Remove it from your brain and feel the warmth toward your spouse. Address it. Remove it. Don’t let it pester. Persevere.
I think that applies if it stays like a marriage, but what about the spouse that uses the no divorce policy, as a license to do whatever they want? My wife had a friend ( SAHM) of hers that ( because of religious reasons), and her husband basically walked all over her. I mean she wanted him to buy something that was more feasible for hauling a family around in, nope we need a pickup truck, so they/he can haul a boat around. He would golf almost every weekend, he would fashion all his vacation around is hunting trips in the fall, I think he felt she was his maid, cook domestic prostitute, and daycare provider. I mean he never abused her physically or cheated on her ( as far as We Knew) I find that no divorce policy can be a mandate for in extreme case of abuse and in a lesser degree for bad behavior.
My wife told me if I ever pulled any stunts like that not that I would (it's not in my nature ) but she said I'd find myself on the other side of a possible divorce now that little bug in my ear kept me in line.
When the decision is final we find ways innerly to justify it. But the psychological immune system works best when we’re trapped. The inability to leave creates mental, psychological opportunities one would otherwise not see. Play the long game. Problems can be solved by simply not leaving. Divorce creates more problems that can be imagined.
---
BS
Hi Suzanne, I love hearing you. I do have a successful marriage, started dating him when I was 16 and he 17. Today we are 39 and 40 with 2 kids and still feel we were meant to be. I consider myself lucky but I also realized that even tough I have a happy marriage I keep reading and listening about contents like yours to keep myself reflecting about our life here and there and I strongly believe that this helps keep our marriage healthy. Thanks for all your hard work, you´re the best!
Thank you for sharing❤ I hope to one day be in a relationship where I can have the same attitude of gratitude and reflection as you.
can you give advice to a relatively new wife
LOVE your no nonsense communications! My mother never spoke to me about ANYTHING that MATTERED!! You are a GOD SEND!!
The idea of dumping the expectation of equality (#3) needs to be said SO MUCH LOUDER. The examples you gave (I.e. You make the bed, but have never mowed the lawn) is spot on. We should NOT expect the responsibilities to be interchangeable between each other. Yes, we can both lean in when there is a gap. (I.e. I’m out of town, husband makes the bed). But we put too much pressure on each other if we expect to be able to exchange roles constantly.
Thanks for sharing all you do 👏🏻👏🏻
I think the “equally yoked” idea really applies to the equality part. The oxen can only pull the cart if the weight is evenly distributed between them. That doesn’t mean they do the same thing. Each person has their task like you said mowing the lawn vs. grocery shopping.
Newly married and I love all of your videos. Marriage truly needs to be an intentional decision everyday.
I think this information is helpful for people who are not in relationships with people who have narcissistic personality disorder. Nothing you can do can help if you're trapped in a relationship with someone with NPD....
The only thing you can do is get out of the relationship and limit contact as much as possible.
Agreed 100%
Relationship advice for healthy couples will never apply to those that are unhealthy.
Someone once asked me how do you stay married so long and I said when you have a bad year you don't give up. And they said a year ? And I said yes because sometimes you're going to have a bad year or longer. And they just looked at me and walked away. But my husband and I have been married for 46 years. And we have had some really bad years. But overall we are happy
I've seen people that used no option divorce policy in their marriage to their advantage, I know a woman that had no divorce ( due to religious reasons) in their marriage and basically her husband walked all over her because he knew that she wouldn't divorce him no matter what he did. She did that for years until she got so fed up with with his misbehavior , and basically gaslighting her for most of their marriage until she put the option on the table then he was threatening to kill himself and he do anything she wanted. Then He wanted to go to therapy and he wanted to work on the marriage now. Narcissist , oh. what a perfect playground.
This is a great point, very sad too 😭
She did say that if you’re in danger or being harmed that you’re basically exempt from that…
she wasn't In Harm's Way with him but he just did whatever he wanted to do other than being a husband. he would basically go out and buy and do whatever he wanted without discussing it with her, things of that nature I think he cheated on her a couple times in their marriage. That was probably the worst thing. - she was determined do-or-die in this marriage and it probably would have killed her if she would have kept it up.
Wrong. Harm does apply here. In this case it was Psychological abuse. @@sitka49
This was my life with my first husband until I had enough and divorced him. He did all of the exact same things except cheat unless you count endless porn as cheating. So much happier now and in a good marriage.
the equality issue is HUGE. For one, there are quite a few "things men do or are responsible for" that dont count, and then after that the distribution of equity starts.
I feel like I needed you to give me permission to think the way I think and invalidate my feelings. So thank you so so much
*validate
"My annoying habit is finding annoying habits in other people."
You have changed my marriage for the better….thanks Suzanne!
I found out about Mrs. Venker via A Different Perspective. I listened and shared this video with my wife. I think Mrs. Venker is very fair in her judgements and drills down deep into what’s been said by others to make it plain and understandable. I look forward to hearing more.
Thank you for your truth at 8:30 that "marriage is, at its core, about children" and that many women get married because they want children. I ask divorced women: "how soon into the marriage did you realize it wasn't working?" and they say, "the first week/month/year" and I ask: "why did you stay together for 10+ years?" and they give excuses. The true reason: they wanted to have kids; a woman with a baby needs another adult in the home. They marry a man who would be a good father. Thank you for your truth, honesty, and courage. You are helping many young woman to not repeat mistakes of older women.
Definitely one of the most spot on videos on TH-cam
New subscriber - SAHM of 2. Loving your content- challenging the norms!
Thi spas excellent. Thank you so much for being a SANE and REASONABLE voice in our world!!
As a mid-30's newlywed, I really appreciate your advice! My husband and I had some in-depth discussions about our shared belief in the permanence of marriage. As Christians, it was important to both of us independently to come together with someone who was equally committed and devoted. We're still figuring out how to "be married," but the security of knowing God ordained our marriage and knowing we're "stuck" with each other really takes a lot of pressure off.
I really couldn't ask for a better husband, and it's so much fun watching our love and comfort grow together ❤
My first marriage was based off of lies my ex told me. His family and friends knew it and supported the lies because they wanted him, "their problem", to become someone else's problem. I have heard about this happening to others. How can a wife or husband work with that?
I needed to listen to this years ago. I just wasnt attracted to this kind of info... i was in college and thisbis pretty much unheard of and banned in colleges. Im glad im listening to this now as a 35 year old newly married woman that has come a long way from the girl i was in my 20s and in college.
Your podcast just entered my TH-cam feed. Wow am I’m glad.
It is an illusion that we are interchangeable. We have both stayed home with kids and both had equally paid carriers in similar industries. I need to be home to fully do my job. He needs to leave and go to work. It is exhausting and psychologically harder to switch.
Thank you, so refreshing to hear advice that is in line with common sense. Loving this podcast!
Love your honesty and fairness 👏👏👏
For the women, don't get fat. For the men, don't lose your income. On a more serious note, I'm not convinced taking divorce off the table is a good thing. Keeps us motivated to not get lazy/complacent.
Solid advice. Thanks, Suzanne!
your lectures are always rekindling hope for me
5 years would be unbearable with a cheating, or totally disrespectful spouse., just to possibly have a little peace and financial security in the end. I'd rather be alone. I'll take my chances depending on myself. Signed, Alone and Happier.
Im happy you’re free from that situation & wishing you many blessings & healing🙏 A cheating & disrespectful spouse is abandoning the vows of marriage.
Thank you for all your work. It is greatly appreciated and very helpful.
Great content! Glad you have a voice saying these truths
lower your expectations is the right message, but pretty hard to sell nowadays.
specially after people arrive at marriage after a bunch of pass experience where they compare everything against their spouse. "A was better at this, B knew how to talk me , C was funnier.....etc."... serial monogamy , promiscuity plus late marriage generate all those experiences. that later will have consequences.
Brilliant advise. I've been binge watching! Thank you!
reality>your expectations.
=a happy/content life
Great observation of women’s versus men’s use of social media / TH-cam.
Hey , Suzanne. Love your posts. You’re assuming both partners are mentally healthy and honourable. That’s a rarity, I think.
When I was a young adult (man), I would tell my mother that I simply was not good at certain domestic chores and she just could never wrap her head around why I couldn't just do them because they've always been no big deal for her to do regularly.
You cant wash the dishes but you can clean your car? You can be always available to your boss but not your family? You can show respect and pay attention to a police officer but cannot take your eyes away from the electronic device to help make sure your child does not end up with that same police officer and arrested. Stop lying to yourself
Thank you for this 🙏🏼.
This is wise. I'm going to share it with my daughters.
Taking divorce off the table assumes you have a committed and conscientious partner, which isn't always the case. I've seen some horrible soul killing marriages that were based on divorce not being an option. Usually one of the partners is emotionally abusive. On the topic of resentment, usually resentment is manifested as negative thought patterns towards your partner. Half empty or half full can be the difference between a happy marriage or misery.
Do your due diligence re the mental health of your partner.
Many times that is easier said than done.
When I first saw the title, I figured my response was to say "just don't get married" and then make a comment that you actually can't divorce proof a marriage because you can't control your partner. But what made me respond was the first item mentioned, the idea of taking divorce off the table. I'm sorry but I absolutely have to disagree. In my first marriage, we were in our 20s and it was back in the 90s. I was raised with the idea that you got married and stayed married. Less than a year in, my wife started having an affair with a bad boy loser. For three years I did everything I could to be a good man/husband and keep the marriage together because I was raised with the idea that divorce wasn't an option. If I could do it over again, I would have filed as soon as I learned of the affair. Of course the better option would to have not gotten married in the first place. No, divorce always needs to be an option because if it's not, then your partner can behave as horribly as they want and there's nothing you can do about it because they know they're safe.
I've been divorced twice and both times I'm the one who filed, which given that women file 80% of the time, I'm a rare statistical anomaly. For three years while she had her on again off again affair, she could always count on me to provide a home, pay the bills and take care of things in an effort to show that I was the better man, all the while she could have her fun with the other guy while he provided nothing. Even though she didn't want to be married to me and would rather be with him, she wasn't going to file. But she had no problem making my life a living nightmare in order to encourage me to be the one who filed. To this day, I'm still not sure why she didn't file other than the reason that he rarely had a job and couldn't provide for her. She could have filed at any time and because of our no fault divorce laws, she would receive the same payout she did with me filing or even if I had been the one having the affair.
So yes, divorce NEEDS to be an option and I wish I had used it sooner instead of trying to keep that marriage together.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You really can't control your spouse, but I'm here to tell you that adultery and true abuse are the absolutely only reasons I would divorce and besides that, I like to pretend divorce isn't an option. I know someone who recently divorced her husband for apparently no reason. Maybe she had a secret reason, but she told people who asked that her and her ex just wouldn't have ever been a "fantastic couple". Basically, she wanted to upgrade. I think that's a shame and her mindset might have been different if she was resolved to marry for life.
I'm sorry that happened to you, but women usually don't cheat just for no reason. I have found that women that feel emotionally unfulfilled are the ones that turn to someone else. You say the better option was to not have gotten married in the first place, which gives me the impression that you had an inkling that it was not a match made in heaven to begin with. And even tho I don't believe in divorce, I do believe in physical separation for a time, in order for the other person to get their sh*t straight & face reality of having to live with the consequences. So you pretty much enabled this woman to do what she wanted, all the while keeping up her lifestyle for her...And then you say that you divorced again. I think people that are divorced multiple times refuse to see their part in the disintegration of the relationship. Women want to be emotionally fulfilled. they usually will emotionally cheat way before physically cheating. There seems to be more to your tale of woe, than " I didn't believe in divorce, was treated horribly, and happened to find the only two awful women out there."
@@pattyhansen7563 No, I actually think that most women are crazy. Women are the ones who talk about wanting just an kind, loving man but usually go for the bad boy. So men who would treat them nicely get ignored but the ones who treat them like crap are the ones they'll lust after.
Best and only option for men. Do not get married. Just as vention mgtow used to say at the end of all of his videos! Take that to heart men! Only women benefit from marriage in that they can pull the plug on it at any time and take away the bulk of your wealth and any children you have with her. The children are her insurance policy that the state will point guns at your head to keep you paying child support that she can spend any way she wants. And if you married in a state that allows alimony or spousal support you are gonna get got there too!
Men should never marry women in any western nation! don't do it. You will be sorry. The days of a marriage lasting until death do us part ended a long time ago. Marriages only last until the woman decides to do you in. Or if you let her do whatever she wants and you keep paying all t he bills, sure she'll stay married to you... lol... she'll love treating you like a doormat and a septic tank
How can you be a stay-at-home mom and financially avoid having your husband become an always-working, practically absent father?
divorce the starter husband and make him pay child support and live in with the next guy...
9:45 whoa. I'm here to learn.
This is all very good advice!
OMG!!! More people NEED to hear this!!! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Does he put the lid down? If so, keep him, you got yourself a winner!
There need to be consequences for a no fault devorce. If a woman wants out of a marriage contract, the court must not award alimony, home, money. child support, and child custody to her. Women today lack consequences for their terrible decisions.
Any contract that allows either party to terminate the agreement for any reason at any time with no penalty is not a contract, it's a suggestion at best.
@lukedornon7799 It's a binding contract for one of the party.
@@LisaCulton you are the acceptation, welcome to what man deal with all the time.
Terrible decision to get married in the first place! However, child custody is not the reward you seem to think it is.
There are valid reasons a woman might want a divorce: alcoholism, abuse, child endangerment, affairs, etc. Not all men are angels!
Well, I wasn't particularly pretty, but I was nice, treated him well, loved sex and wanted it daily, I liked to cook, I danced around and cleaned on weekends, I loved him so much and tried to make him happy... but he just wore me down and squashed all of that. I am very much no longer the woman I was. And on top of that I went from, "borderline overweight" to straight-up hippo. :(
Some husbands will never be able to love and appreciate a good wife, even if she fits all of the criteria Suzanne speaks about in this video. No matter how much help, counselling, and therapy the couple gets.
And i guess for that couple, divorce would have to find its way back to the table in order to save the wife's life and sanity.
That's my story too, and I'm very glad that i left. What a relief, after ensuring years of never-ending hell that just got worse and worse the longer i stayed with him 😵💫
Leaving him saved my life, and saved at least one of my kids lives too.
The biggest issue that I have seen in marriages is not men and women issues, it’s in laws destroying families. Can you talk about that Susan? How in-laws destroy marriages and ruin families? This also ties into dysfunctional families where there is too much enmeshment
Thank you
Suzanne, in the last part what do you mean by the phrase “you come back again… come back every day, every week, until it’s resolved…”?
By come back again, do you mean to come back to your spouse and talk it out?
The best damn marriage advice I've ever heard.
You da best, Suzanne.
This is awesome!!!
Social media is not a typically solely a female space. Ask any wife who has lost her husband to social media fueled affairs. Just saying.
Let us recall Kevin Samuels' 3: S*x, Sandwich, Silence, which is to say, the wild thing, food, and peace. Benjamin Disraeli married a woman with white hair- for her money, and he told her so. She just smiled. She knew polarity. When he came home from being a top politician in the biggest empire then known... she had his chair ready, with slippers, etc, where he could just relax. This sounds small, but it isn't. She provided a peaceful place for him to unwind. Within a year, he told her had he known what he was getting into, he would have married her for love. She just smiled. She understood her polarity. You know... every married man is a walking advertisement for marriage. If he's not happy, he reaches 3 digits of guys... women who crucify men in divorce court make other men avoid them. Gloria Steinem said women are becoming the men they used to seek for marriage. Great! They can self-partner! Women are selling a "wasting asset". Women are powerful in their Spring, on the Medicine wheel, say 23, when Nature sings the reproduction song. Summer is their 30's, autumn comes at 40. Men's spring is their 30's. In many cultures, husbands are c. 10 years older than wife. Childbirth is a major stress, after the 20's. Men can father a child in their 80's. Daryl Davis is a black jazz pianist. He talks Triple K members into quitting that organization. He has around 20 Triple K robes; when the guys give up membership, they don't need the uniform. Life talks women out of f*m* nism. Biology is a strong incoming tide... I visited Austria, for my honeymoon [she went nuts, I had to divorce her for my own safety], did the Sound of Music tour, which is nice. Included the palace in the movie Amadeus. The tour guide bemoaned the loss of Jewish merchants- who always had low prices, were great businessmen. The concentration camp not far from there was not on the itinerary. Over half of SS troops were Austrian. I thought, hmm, it's not like your people made Jews feel very welcome, did you... I am so amused, listening to women ask where all the good men went. Uhh, yeah. The good men go dark, they drop into brush, and vanish from view, as any prey animal would, when a predator is around.
I went to a martial arts class, in a college town. There were poisonously feminist women 30-60 there. ALL of them knew Prince Charming was right around the corner, waiting for the right conjunction of Venus and Mars, to marry them, put them on a $5K/month allowance, buy the big house, do the vacations in Europe, lavish attention on them, despite their constant disrespect for him. They had seen documentaries, you know, soap operas, Hallmark movies, romance novels, S*x and the City, and so on, which are always precisely accurate depictions of real human daily life. They didn't have that fairytale life due to male oppression. I put on my cloak of invisibility- aka being a beta male- and listened and learned. They later decided that the instructor, a black man, was somehow sexually harassing them during the course. I did a VisionQuest. I can lavish love on people, just turning on the flow. Around those women? Cloak of invisibility. Need to get rid of a woman fast? Start crying. Act beta- you know, talk about your feelings, just like the feminists tell you. They're gone. I remember a woman about 55 in college- like this- she was desperately seeking Mr. RIghtWallet. They'd cut her off after one date. She had nuclear waste grade resentment, plus alcoholism. Oddly enough, Dr. RightWallet was doing his risk assessment. I was just a student assistant- she invited me to dinner, I brought my girlfriend at the time. Madame Battleaxe got sarcastic, and abusive, to the point we had to leave. Women wanted everything men have... now they have it, and they are upset... 1 in 3 women have had an abortion, has an STD... 80% of women consort with 20% of men. 10% of men are 6'1". Women find 80% of men ugly.
My grandmother worked. AT HOME. Monday was wash day. By hand- no washing machines. Stains were scrubbed out by hand. Tuesday: ironing day- with flatirons. No mixes back then; you bought your flour and sugar in bulk. In 1944, it cost 8c/lb. Only after WW II did prepackaged mixes come out. Wednesday: mending day- clothes were expensive, they had to be repaired. Thursday: baking day, baking bread for the week. My grandmother taught, before marrying. Her husband told her he made enough money so she didn't have to work. She was delighted- this was luxury, not having to work at an outside job. I met them, in the 1960's. Yep, still in love... My gramma was a widow 1940. She had to work. My father was still young; he had to work, at 10c/hr, to clean off old bricks to be reused- he said he was glad to get it. My mother made 25c/hour, in a grocery store- she would get flour "from the bottom of the barrel", put it in a bag. My father made 25c/hour as a night watchman. He got into college, at the height of WW II... he wanted all the college he could get, before being drafted. He wasn't drafted. He finished high school in 3 years, and a 4 year degree in 2.5 years. Socialists want everything to be free. Great idea. Native Americans had that. Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels originated socialism... based on studies of the Iroquois... and they COMPLETELY MISSED the spiritual side of Native Americans, which is the foundation.. In a Dakota village, a prime cut of buffalo meat was put outside the tipi of a widow. Like what happened in the small towns my parents grew up in- a widow known to not have much, would find groceries outside her door, from time to time, because that's just what you did, then. Women wanted to be equal to men. Cool. It's not so much fun, is it? Where are the female bricklayers, plumbers, roofers, etc? Today's feminists have a plan- marry a top 5 percenter, because they are all 10's, even if they are 50 kilograms/110 lbs overweight. The "wage gap" exists- women are paid more than men, for the same work. In the military, women can do half what the men do, and get promoted timely. When asked why you're not married, tell them "Women don't need men" and walk away. They will struggle to counter you. Best way to get revenge is to succeed... best way to aggravate a woman... ignore her... without distraction, success is easier to attain. Two birds, one stone.
In Paul Revere's day, life expectancy was 43. First menstruation qualified a woman for marriage- you had to get moving, to have your kids early. Visit a colonial house museum- we have some in my area- or even civil war era- people worked 6 days a week, often, at least 12 hrs/day. The DVD players of the 1820's were Shakespeare's plays. Alexis de Tocqueville noted this. 1950's American women had a life better than that of 70% of women worldwide. THEN they decided that women needed men like a fish needed a bicycle. No problem. Bicycles don't need the fish, either. I do not know any single men over 35, who has any interest in a committed relationship with a woman. Single men over 40 avoid women, as the massive risk they are, with resentment, and false claims, and so on... Men are forced to assess risk. Relationships with women? "Achtung, minen" [Warning, active mine field]. Many women seem to have completed their BSC degree. B*t Sh*t Crazy. I have never slept around. My first & second wife did play around... I cut them off. Not time for that BS, or for the MS- degree- More of the Same- or the PhD- Piled Higher and Deeper... Modern women are not making men walk away from dating, nope, they are making men RUN away from dating, at top speed, evading fire, & taking cover. I speak w/teenagers, & young men in their 20's. They think prenuptial agreements stand up in court/ they aren't the 50 meter target on the firing range- for women- the target nobody misses. I get older guys, and even women, talking- to learn. I knew I was totally ignorant, and needed to learn. The veterans often had great wisdom, and were willing to share it, with someone who listened. The wedding stores in my area have all gone out of business... There ARE no soulmates, any more than there is a Santa Claus, or Easter Bunny. There may be compatible ladies, guys, whose minds and hearts aren't totally toxic, but all relationships are imperfect. It's just the way it is. We live in a world where: Body count is a boast. Car/fem milage doesn't matter. Rain does not wet the ground. Fish fly a mile over the ocean. Fast food is nutritious. Poisoning one's soul with hatred and resentment makes a woman far more attractive to the alpha male she wants. Adorning one's body with toxic cosmetics doesn't poison the liver and kidneys. Pouring out hatred and resentment on men makes them want women. Hallmark movies, Soap operas, romance movies, Disney heroines- are all documentaries of how the world works. Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus, and 20 years of throwing away your value absolutely gets you Mr. Big, just like in Sex and the City, which is also a documentary.
The Romans used to line the Appian way with the bodies of crucified men, as an object lesson. Divorce courts perform the same function, in our society.
Amen amen amen
EXCELLENT!!
Social media is to women, what porn is to men.
The easiest way to dodge dieworse is not marrying in the first place. 🙄
Of course that would be too easy🤣
mgtow is the answer for all western men... but the true solution is mgtow and a passport and mongering... hence the mgtow monger philosophy!
As a woman, this is what i want in my husband. 1. Pays the bills 2. Gives me an orgasm several times a week, 3. cleans or hires a cleaning company to come thru once a week, 4. Maintains the cars ( oil change, detailing) .5. Shovels the snow and salt. I dont have a height or weight requirement. He doesn't have to make 6 figures cause i can definitely assist him in his goals, and we can get there together. I dont mind doing the cooking, the daily maintenance of the home. The cleaning company does the deep cleaning stuff. I have a.d.d so its hard for me to organize that type of thing. It seems simple, but a man will say " You want too much" . Oh and acts of services and gifts are my love language. I like to show my love by physical touch and acts of service but i will adjust the way i show love for him. But will he adjust for me? Probably not, ill have to show him and remind him which isnt fair....
You mentioned what you want in a husband so what are you going to do to fulfill your role as a wife to balance your desires in him?
As a woman I do all the above for myself. Successfully. No need for a husband. Vastly preferable
Unfortunately hiring a cleaning person is not cheap. Also you have to clean your pile of clothes and garbage off the floor.
Doesn't the competition of things that men want in women that women can't help or change much like looks or sexual abilities/drive the reason women compete the way they do?
7:19 A friend of my aunt broke up with her Doctor boy friend because she didn't like his sox's LOL
That doctor dodged a bullet! Hopefully he learned to just get a passport and enjoy women in foreign countries instead!
Where do we go to review the podcast?
Been with my husband for 20 years and my advice is to have sex constantly!
lol... that's one piece of advice that actually works... up to a certain point.
Trust, prenup, and vet very carefully.
prenups aren't even worth the paper they're written on... just look at how easily they get thrown out in divorce settlements.
wah.....i need feedback.....sigh.
16:29 Yeah, women can do the masculine work outside the home.. With the governments fist on the scale lol Most of the Sheconomy is adult women welfare.
That’s why Caesar burned his ships
yeah and look what happened to Caesar... lol... same thing happens to men who get married to western women. over 80% of divorces in the west are initiated by women. And in the majority of those divorces there is no domestic violence going on by the men against the women... hence not done for 'cause'. Oh well...
Dont marry a malignant narcissist or none of these will work.
Take divorce off the table.
Lower your expectations.
Dump the concept of equality.
Learn each other's love language.
Keep dating.
Don't let resentment settle in.
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I’ve tried to follow those things for 27 YEARS. I’ve been beating my head against the wall for all that time. I’ve done the NOT LEAVING and I live in HELL. Your advice is crap.
I'm cracking up at the mgtow crew in the comments. Why are y'all here? 🤣
I think women have an unachievable list of requirements for a man, as a concept. But when they are in some way forced to be around a man, they begin qualifying him.
For example. I have never had success asking a woman I barely know out on a date. I rarely got the date, and when I did, It never went anywhere.
But when a woman has to work with me, or study with me, or just be the two singles in a group of friends who already have theirs; they often would end up falling for me. Sometimes when I really didn't even want them to.
So if any young man is vexed by what he heard today, just chill out and be around women. Be politely flirty with the ones you're interested in but don't fixate on any one in particular. You'll find that they do the heavy lifting of making it obvious you've got a real shot.
I'm not handsome. I'm not even ruggedly handsome. Just rugged and not fat.
I'm not rich and I don't have a high status job. But it's fairly interesting and valued by society enough where I have good benefits, and what was decent pay before 2020. (I don't think women understand inflation as much as men though)
You'll actually find that women's real standards are far lower than their fantasy standards. Give them the chance and they'll write a fantasy about you.
True. I have been writing a fantasy about my husband for 21 years! The more I was around him, the more I wanted to be around him. I find him fascinating. When I have an option to go do something on my own (or with family/friend) or be around him, I almost always hang around waiting on him. Sometimes I don't even need his presence in the house. just knowing that he is around somewhere - barn, woods, hay lot...anywhere. Its comforting to me. He is a rugged guy, too! He NEVER would have asked me out. I saw him standing in his driveway, turned my car around & went back to talk to him. he tells people that I hunted him down. (I did know of him - not a total stranger. We grew up 5 houses apart LOL)
Don’t get married! Problem solved 😝
mgtow for the win... and if you get a passport and monger, you become a mgtow monger and have an extra happy win!
You cannot divorce proof a marriage. If you could, it would become about one person controlling another and there is no love in that. You cannot put a contract on love. People must accept that in a long term relationship, you will fall in and out of love. Sometimes the only way to heal is to end a broken marriage. Once both parties heal post divorce, a beautiful connection/friendship can emerge. But again, you cannot divorce-proof a marriage, since there are no guarantees in love.
Get off social media gotta be one 😆
All 6 are good advices. But that is not enough. Here are the missing ones:
1) The husband must act as the leader of the relationship as a competent strong masculine man who provides and protects his family. He needs to be the dominant partner (inside and outside the bedroom) while showing affection, love, respect for his wife.
2) He must stay true on his purpose. He must work hard to prosper in his career/business. He must have his own circle of friends, hobbies, interests, and ambitions. He must not make his wife the center of his life.
3) He must maintain emotional strength and stability in trying situations including emotional drama and turmoil his wife may bring. He must not give in to any unreasonable selfish request from his wife. He must not allow his wife to show disrespect for him.
4) He must ensure the wife does her duties: stay fit and feminine, cook and clean, be a good mother, and of course provide him regular sex (unless there is a medical issue or a temporary issue).
5) He must take care of the household needs as much as possible and support his wife as needed.
6) He must not allow his wife to put herself in a situation where she might get tempted to cheat on him with another person (man or woman). He must never trust his wife completely regarding sexual discretion. He must not ignore any red flag that may show signs of cheating. He must make it clear to his wife from the beginning of the relationship that any cheating (even any attempt) will result in immediate divorce (which will take effect based on the infidelity clause in their prenup). He must not show any tolerance on cheating or the idea of open marriage. He must make it clear that he will walk away from her permanently if she crosses the boundaries and he will never give her a second chance.
enjoy your divorce
4) He must ensure the wife does her duties: stay fit and feminine, cook and clean, be a good mother, and of course provide him regular sex (unless there is a medical issue or a temporary issue).
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Since you are the expert, how do you ensure the above?
@@s1n4m1n -- He must ensure by demanding she performs the wifely duties or risks divorce. These wifely duties were agreed upon by her before she entered the marriage. If she does not want to do it, she will become single.
The best method to repel divorce is to avoid marriage all together. Divorce proofing your marriage is a misnomer, the risk will always be there because the right to divorce will always be there . Just avoid it fellas , marriage is not worth the risk anymore.
This was Paul’s answer to marriage 😂 it causes one to be concerned with cares of this world. But some people cannot handle the loneliness and sexual desire that overcomes them. And I do believe that Paul was referring to this when he mentions people burning in their flesh. Yes it’s sexual drive but also I believe a yearning that some people have to be with a partner.
@@SopranoVictoria for us modern men, that's what passports are for.
Best way to be divorce proof? Don't get married. Prove me wrong.
Enjoy your extinction, beta boy
@@but_iWantedTo_speakGerman who says you can't have children via surrogacy? I've assisted many men of wealth in doing so in mexico. Others do this in other countries. Passport bro's are going to change the way men of the west enjoy and live their lives. Western women can enjoy you and your money. Not ours.
7:19 And you don't have any annoying habits? LOL
Don't get married works pretty well as well........
The legal deck is stacked against men so just don't get married.
80% of divorces are filed by the princess that woke up and decided to get a divorce.
Mgtow is the only winning move for all western men. But the move with winning and happiness is getting a passport and traveling to non-western countries to find and date women. Do not marry them though. They will pressure you to return to the USA and bring them along, and at that moment they will become even worse than the worst feminist you've ever known and you will quickly become separated from your wealth and your children's lives.
Number 1 way to prevent divorce...DON'T GET MARRIED. Marriage only benefits women. I'm a divorced man who will NEVER EVER get married again.
Easy, avoid befriending single ladies and or divorced women.
Come back every day or week until it is resolved sounds a lot like nagging. What if it is something the other spouse never agreed to BEFORE marriage and likely never will... let's see...I can think of one MASSIVE third rail NO ONE wants to go near.
Whomever the lowest drive spouse is telling the other the are DONE with sex in the marriage.
But this is usually wildly unbalanced because, like everything else no matter if higher is male or female the MALE is at fault. Men are expected to go on HRT but for the woman the advice in columns and what not say it his her "option".
Basically her body, her choice. Even if it is a medical condition that will destroy marriage eventually.
If it was condition breadwinner ignored so didn't have to work any more EVERYONE would hound them out of town. But the shoe doesn't seem to EVER go on the OTHER foot except in Cinderella.
Well isn't that special. Church Lady
And there are horses of them just waiting to burn someone at the stake on social media. HA!
I disagree with most of these. Sounds like what every popular person is jumping on the bandwagon saying. Make sure you know their live language? Date nights? Just modern day stupidity and you will fail!
I appreciate your podcasts. 🫶
I first heard about you when you were on “The Spillover” with Alex Clark (love you that show!) & you spoke about daycares and their affects on families.
This particular episode is a great reminder I want to listen more often and share. You have a real gift of speaking in a comforting way, from the heart. Have you done marriage counseling for others in person? If not, I know for sure couples would benefit for your counsel.
Eager to continue to listen. I’ve been blessed to be married to my husband now for 8 years and together for almost 10! One thing I have as priority in my heart that him and I need to work on is quality time. It can be tricky for us to plan out that focused time together.