Just wondering if you could do a video on what should be done if someone we know with an eating disorder is relapsing and dangerously unhealthy. Would be nice.
I’ve known this for years. It really helps my relationships with people who actually listen when I tell them my love languages. My parents on the other hand got offended that I didn’t appreciate whatever kind of love they wanted to give me. They didn’t want to hear and prioritize the ways I feel most loved. 😞
Learning about the 5 love languages has helped me finally understand & accept my marriage ending. I couldn’t fathom how a relationship with so much love fail until I realized we don’t experience love in the same way 💔
But it's not that you both experienced love in a DIFFERENT way, it's one or both of you didn't try or didn't know to love the other in the way they needed. Any relationship can survive with different primary love languages, when both partners know and fulfill each others needs.
As a person who is in the middle of an eating disorder relapse, I know how it is hard to get help for yourself because you don't the problem.I'm lucky enough to have people around me to push me and make me see what's going on is wrong, If it wasn't for them I would be dead right now. The hard cold truth is that Anaoxica is the deadliest mental illness. What's happening With Eugina is really sad she doesn't seem to have people around her that see what she is doing as wrong or don't care. Kati if you still have contact with Eugina and are able to help please do. I know how hard it is when the person doesn't want help. That was me too but people around me didn't give up so if you're around her, I hope you can do the same for her. Although recovery is so hard and sometimes you fall it is worth it and the end.
Happy Monday, Katie! I am 31 but am going to apply for masters in counseling programs here in Oregon for next year. Your videos have been so helpful! Have an amazing week!
@@AdrianColley I agree. Same with clingy. Just a pathetic buzzword that people who are sociopaths, people that have no capacity to love, and just plain garbage people that use others invented
Knowing this information has helped my relationship 100%. My love language is words of affirmation and my bf's is physical touch. In the beginning, we kept using our own love language to show affection, but it was lost on the other person. Once we learned about the 5 love languages, everything changed. He tells me beautiful, amazing things all the time. I hug him, hold his hand, give him back rubs, etc. This works for us and we're both really happy. We feel very loved
I love this. I think i found out about this through you, Kati haha but it's not until recently that i've felt comfortable sharing this iwth my friends. i dont know how many of them take it seriously but i really hope some of them do. it helps me understanding myself a lot and i pay attention to how i express my love to my friends whose love language i know. :) it's so fascinating and yet so simple.
My husband and I are working with a therapist on this. My primary love language is words of affirmation but my husband is very uncomfortable expressing his love through words. He shows that he loves me in other ways but it doesn't have the same impact. We took the love languages quiz at work under the platonic relationships category and i had the same results. My boss started sending me random emails and texts about what a great asset to the team i am and it makes me feel so appreciated and loved! It's amazing what a difference it makes. Great video and I'm so glad you talked about this!
Hear me out and feel free to give feedback. Is having someone as everything to you healthy? We’re all imperfect people. Expecting someone to be everything to you will lead to disappointment. Sorry about the break up. Heart break in romantic relationships is a big fear of mine.
@@E.W.C.1993 We had our faults. What I mean is that she is what I dreamed of. But I was too closed off the give back the same and in turn threw it all away. We exhausted ourselves. The timing wasn't right, and I don't know how to not be hard on myself for everything. Thank you for reaching out.
The book "'Attached: How To Find and Keep Love" speaks on this similar topic but doesn't imply love languages per se more like individual needs depending on our attachment style(secure, avoidant, anxious). Highly recommend this book if you're interest in relationship psychology The subject matter in this book is very practical as well.
Yes! I knew about these and my husband and I have read the book. It helped our marriage be stronger. My most important is quality time. My husband's is physical touch. This was a great refresher and reminder on how to show those around me love. Thanks!
I'm so happy you did a video about this. The 5 Love Languages is a great book, and you broke it down in a great way! This is a super valuable aspect to consider for relationships, and to know your own, that way you can communicate what your love language is to someone else and give a heads up!
My relationship was very new when COVID happened. I get a lot of comfort from just being able to spend time with her. Im bad with words and am easily embarrassed by compliments. Due to my mental health I struggle with keeping up screen communication. I'm really struggling with this quarantine and not being able to see her. I've sent her the quiz as well so I hope I can make her feel appreciated and loved
The School of Life taught me this ages ago and I feel so grateful for it, it's wonderful that you're bringing this subject up, thank you =)) In my case it helped to bring delicate subjects with my partners and friends and discuss about relationship dynamics or debate about ideal partnerships. But knowing about my love language didn't make me feel specially more capable of teaching other people how I wanted to be treated. Sometimes I even felt narcissistic talking about it, and that I had to adapt to other people's love languages instead of building a common ground. Love languages, for me, represent an opportunity to reflect not only on how you feel you want to be treated, but also meditate on how much self-esteem you think you have and if you prioritise enough your language above inconvenient relationships.
when taking the test I felt like the evaluation of gift giving was skewed, it doesn't take into account that unless you have a huge amount of money or of times of course gifts will always be more meaningful and special than for example sitting next to each other, which is something I can get when I want with almost nothing to stop me. I feel like the gifts were in many cases compared to a zero effort, zero trouble getting it thing that of course you can get any time in a relationship while a gift unless you're really rich or are constantly doing crafts inevitably takes more effort, is rarer and therefore more meaningful than that
I didn't know love language was a thing until my ex boyfriend pulled up the explanations on a website we scrolled through. Still, I didn't understand what it was about... until months after we broke up. Trying to figure out what my own love language is.
I wish I found your videos sooner I’m going through ocd and I’m pretty sure I also have bpd I see a therapist but I want to branch out to help my ocd and high anxiety thank you for helping us all
No, knowing this didn't make relationship better as the person didn't want to give any attention to someone else but him, so being the only side that give is unfair and lead to a breakup.
Mine is definitely acts of service. When I found that my husband had hand-washed my pantyhose and put them on towels to dry, I was deeply touched he would do this humble little act for me. He also puts clean towels by the tub for me. ❤️
Gifts is one of my languages and I think there is some misconception that it's a shallow materialistic thing. It was my birthday last weekend. My mom never knows what to get me so I asked her if she could buy me some curry powder, garam masala, etc. so I could make a curry (I moved recently and left my spices). She knows what spices you need for curry like the back of her hand. She gave me olive oil for my birthday. I think she went to the olive oil store thinking they would have my spices but they didn't so she said well that will do. I'm a bit upset because I feel like she has a tendency to not care. It wasn't about the gift so much as the lack of trying. She forgot the dates I was moving across country. I had to keep reminding her I was leaving. (She's cognitively healthy) People tell me I give them very thoughtful gifts. There are people I know who have it dead last in their preferences, like my boyfriend. I still do a good job with the gifts even though he'd be fine with nothing, but I also make sure to pay attention to his love language quality time and words of affirmation just like he attends to my languages.
Kati, My love language as a recipient is words of affirmation but My love language as a giver is (unironically) gift-giving Is it possible to be dichotomous like this? I usually only see people picking their top one.
My relationship ended because we spoke totally different love languages! He never did the test but I'm pretty sure my top two on the list are his last two and vice versa.
I've started watching you more and more. Especially now in the current times. IS THERE A Book about DBT?? I'm missing my class now and I really want to continue with my study.. i trust your judgment. Please let me know. Sending love your way.
So true!!! I've know this and have used this with my boyfriend a lot. Recently, my toxic parents have forced me to end the love relationship with my boyfriend. I didn't want that. So, me and my boyfriend still talk, but as friends not lovers. Kati, can you pls help me how do I not get anxious when I remember our love lives? Or anyone, pls help. I'm stuck in this covid with my parents and have no way of getting out.
I've known abot Love Languages for a long time but it never crossed my mind to know what my bf love language is. Now i think i know for the way he expresses his love for me, but i'll ask him anyways, better safe than sorry
What would I do If I'm the only one who make efforts and initiative to communicate or to have conversations? When I tried to have conversation with him, he always give me short answers like he have no interest at all. And now, he left me.
Mine was overwhelmingly acts of service. I had 0% physical touch (yikes) and my husband's is overwhelmingly physical touch. Any ideas how we can both make the other one happy?
By making a conscious effort to speak to them in their love language.. like maybe you rub his back when you lay down in bed. Or give him a hug when you get home.. and let him know what your love language is too. So he can do the same :) xoxo It takes effort, but all relationships take some effort :)
Communication. Absolutely. That's a large umbrella. Healthy, proactive and within healthy (I almost used the word normal) thresholds. Great video. Thank you.
Often im afraid to mention that one of my languages is "touch" because I don't want their automatic thought be intimacy. But any touch outside of intimacy is what I crave. It's made this whole "timeout" even harder lol.
Maybe consider how you could express what it is you mean by touch.. letting them know that what you crave or need isn't intimate touch, but just loving platonic touch :) You could even journal about it ;) hahah!!! xoxo
This information has helped me gain a lot of insight into my experience growing up. My parents love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation. Mine is quality time. I always said that I know my parents love and care for me but I never *felt* loved because they were terrible at turning phones off when talking or even doing grocery shopping when we planned an evening out alone. It's been a struggle to get past that in other relationships, and believe that people really care and want to spend time with me. Maybe that's why I flourish in therapy. It's the one place I truly get that. Working on creating the same feeling in real life as well.
It is kinda of funny really.. Humans pride themselves on "intelligence", but we do everything that any other animal does in the wild, from a bird to a meerkat.
I did not know these 5 love languages, but after i got the boyfriend i have now i realized how much of myself i kept under the rug! Now I am 100% myself, we sing goofy love songs to each other, we have a lot of names and generally sounds of affection. This i did not have in my other relationships! And it helps a lot, whenever we argue, even when we are totally down in a dark pit, we manage to speak reason to each other and often get the mood up with the love languages we've got! I see a lot of reasons to know these, i will observe and use it on my friends and family, to be even better at loving! :D
Reading the 5 love languages helped me improve my relationship with my mom. Like you discribed, we didn't have the same love language so, despite her efforts, it didn't feel like love for me. Now I make sure to never miss an occasion to buy her a gift and she doesn't miss one to give me a warm hug.
Me and my fiance hate each other's love languages. He's gifts and I'm time spent and physical touch. Gifts make me heavily uncomfortable and I associated with someone doing something wrong and trying to make up for it. He hates physical touch and doesn't like to be around people. 🤦♀️
@@thehealingfairee unfortunately we didn't understand this about one another untill we had two children. It does make thinks very challenging. But also when he makes an effort to show love my way or me him it means a little more to me because I know he's trying.
My ex baby daddy wasn't used to hugs either best believe he got used to it because he had to with me. IT INCREASES SEROTONIN. His family is a hateful narcissist(mostly) family that never hugs like mine did
Knowing my love language helped me realize that I was not getting my needs met in my last relationship. My ex was great with acts of service, but my top two love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation and I did not receive either from them without asking first. This was incredibly painful! The quality time we spent together and the acts of service they performed meant a lot to me, but they couldn't fill what I was missing from the relationship. now to find someone who can!
People are selfish and greedy. People take and take without giving back. That's why my husband is my best friend and I keep friendships and family ties to a minimum. Finding someone who has had similar past experiences in life, not so much similar interests, is the secret to solid relationships in my book. They understand you and why you feel how you do. All these points Kati has brought up are very important too. Just make sure you are showing your love language to the right people.
I disagree, it’s not past experiences that matter it’s perspective. I have absolutely not experienced anything like what my husband has gone though in his childhood, I’ve never had to deal with death like he has and being forced to move across the world, etc. but that doesn’t matter because we both have the same perspective of life, which is what attracted us to each other. We have our priorities straight, we aren’t caught up in all the stupid shit that a lot of people waste their time on, we know what’s actually important in life and we see things the same way. But I 1,000% agree that most people are innocuous assholes and it’s best to keep close ties to a minimum.
@Kati Morton , could you make a video for those who don’t know who they are and they have no interests, passions, life goals or dreams, and possibly what to do? For me, I just feel like I don’t have any real goals for anything and I don’t know what I want in life (not like I have a lot to choose from, I just don’t know what I want). I’ve always had the thought in the back of mind that suicide is my only fate, and I don’t know how to get out of that and I don’t know if I can, which may be why I don’t know what I want from life. I’ve been in 4 psych hospitals, several counselors/doctors who don’t know how to help - as if I knew what to tell them what to help - meds that don’t work, all over 6 years. I’m a senior in high school and I’ve been dreading it, especially since a young age, I kept telling myself I’m going to attempt suicide (again) at 18 (3 months). It’s not that I want to, but I don’t have anything to strive for, again, no interests, dreams, life goals (like a car, my offered job promotion, etc), hobbies, or passions. I feel like quarantine has made me thought about all of this more and I’m just really scared of not knowing who I am. I’ve had interests in the past before, but they turned out to be phases. Now my life (since 2 years) revolves around food (my counselor is a joke and doesn’t know how to help and treats me like broken glass) and I just feel like everyday is the same never ending cycle of binging/restrict (self diagnosed since my counselor couldn’t help). My counseling ends at 18 because of insurance, not that it ever helped. I haven’t seen them in months because of quarantine. My family also has no idea how to help. I just feel hopeless. I hope you respond @Kati Morton Thanks
Please help me I need help and advice. My therapist ended our sessions because I took an overdose 3 times. How can I get her back??? Please help me. She was my private therapist. I’ve been referred to NHS psych team now but I just want my private therapist back. How do I get her back? I apologised so many times. I even made an apology video but she hasn’t watched it yet. Please can you advise me
Please don't feel you need to apologise for taking an overdose. What you need is a hug and someone to listen. I'm sending a big virtual hug your way :) How would you feel about talking to The Samaritans and maybe looking into a different private therapist? Someone who understands you need an hug and some positive attention, rather than one who isn't meeting your needs.
I have known about this for a while. The pastor who was doing pre-marital counselling with me and my husband had us read it together. It really helped us a lot.
I am confused as to how discussing The 5 Love Languages is to do with why so many relationships go bad. Have I missed it? I knew about this prior and it did make my relationships easier in terms of not wasting too much energy on lower LL. I wouldn't say they are the reason relationships go bad.
I’m a huge quality time person and the way your friend expressed it is really weird to me. I don’t want 1x1 time or else I’ll be upset, I like hanging out with groups of people, I’d just rather spend time in person over texting or calling, etc. I hate texting, like let’s just meet up and do something fun and we can talk then lol
Even though you and this friend have the same love language- you just express it differently. Sounds like your more extroverted than Kati’s friend. There’s nothing wrong with either way of being 😄
Huh, your order of love languages is nearly the same as mine. My whole family isn't big on gifts. I recall when I was a kid, my dad would awkwardly ask 'So what do you want for your birthday?' and I'd go 'uh...' We've long since given up, so now we don't do gifts on birthdays. Instead we go out to eat together. OTOH, my mom's primary love language is acts of service and she isn't big on words of affirmation at all, whereas I eventually realized that my dad really needs words of affirmation, which is why he's miserable. Oof.
Hi, I enjoyed your video. Wouldnt it be great if everyone was taught the '5 Love Languages' - it would help us to better understand ourselves and others and how we show and give our love. It would help many people navigate new relationships with others and perhaps even mend rocky relationships. Thanks Kati
Hey Kati. I was hoping I could ask you a question. Me and my mom have been caring for my grandmother for several years. She’s been living in a nursing home as of late and had been doing very well both physically and mentally. In spite of this, she died suddenly and very unexpectedly on Friday morning. My natural inclination is to begin caring for my mom as she grieves, because I’m terrified for how she’s going to process this and I want to support her in every way possible, but I’m finding that I’m just as scared to address this loss myself. How do you go from being a caregiver to grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of the person you were caring for? How can I help my mother through the grieving process while allowing myself my own space to grieve?
Hello Kati, thank you so very much for your videos, they have been an amazing support tool and great insight, I am very happy the algorithm recommended your channel! I have a question if I may, at some point you talk about a test to figure out your love languages scale, do you have a specific quiz you could recommend? thank you again!
Kati, my darling, who left you waiting at an airport? You keep referring to it... Girl, next time, call me... Well, if you ever come to South Africa. 😄 I'm a recent subscriber and I've binge watched your videos. (Hence, I picked up on the airport scenario.) You're very close to 1M subscribers and if I may say so, you're awesome. I love your attitude and your approach to every situation. Thanks for everything that you do. 🙏 Stay safe. 💐
I will definitely call you next time :) It was a "friend" who I am no longer friends with.. that was the last straw for me. I am so glad you are enjoying the videos and finding them helpful!!! xoxo
I just took the quiz and my top 2 were words of affirmation and acts of service, which makes a lot of sense because I'm really anxious and have low self esteem so I need a lot of validation and praise to feel truly loved and appreciated, and I often actively seek out praise and validation. I also struggle a lot with depression and motivation, so when someone chooses to help me with things I don't have the energy or motivation to do myself, it makes me feel really understood and cared for. This is probably actually why I feel unloved in my relationship, because my boyfriend is more likely to offer quality time, physical touch, or gifts than anything else, which, for reasons related to my trauma, more often make me feel uncomfortable or unfulfilled. There's like this weird disconnect in my mind where, rationally, I know that he loves me and that this is how he's trying to show me his appreciation, but I struggle to accept and appreciate those gestures. I never really thought about it before, but it explains a lot of the loneliness and disconnect I've been feeling.
Honestly... None of that made sense. It seriously sounded like a foreign language, and the quiz was all "either/or" with no opportunity to answer "neither". I don't like touch, I don't believe compliments, I don't like people trying to do my errands. I don't do or like any of those things. It didn't make any sense.
I absolutely knew this before we studied this in my sociology class in highschool and even had to take the quiz. It definitely helped me to understand why I am the way I am. I am very very much a physical touch person, and was even more so in highschool. Therefore knowing to ask for hugs was very helpful. Especially first year of college, when I didn't have friends I knew well enough to touch or hug all the time, it was important for me to get a lot of physical touch when I was home and when I finally got comfortable with my roommates and friends. Also it just kinda struck me how big a factor it is in my relationships during covid. I feel really disconnected right now, because quality time and physical touch are really hard things to like....do right now. Especially physical touch. I wanna hug people so so bad. ugh soon soon soon.
I've shared this with my boyfriend as I was curious to what he prefers. But I got met with a "why are you showing me psychology stuff" and "I don't like that". I wonder why he's so negative about this... afraid of himself? When this can be so powerful..
I've read the book. It is wonderful. I highly recommend it! It helped me know mine and my friends' love languages. I took the quiz last year or so and mine is primarily physical touch though acts of service is one I have learned to speak. It is the one I use when I'm at the library. I speak my best friend's love language which is words of affirmation. She's learned to speak mine.
I read the 5 Love Languages book & felt like it was crap. Maybe I'm alone in that opinion. Basically all of the love languages are just being thoughtful--what does that person need in that moment. I want professionals to suggest something other than love languages--it's tired & unhelpful to me.
Katie . I love u. I have multiple repeated trauma. Violence. Rape. Sexual harrassment. For almost 20 yrs of my life.never talked about it. Until i went to therapy. He told me to either talk or write it down. It will help he said. But then said that i should not focus on these memories. I'm confused. Should i ignore my memories or talk about them
Yes I knew. No it didn’t help because I’m to selfish to pay attention to what they want . So I’m single working on myself . Me.. me.. me.. lol jk kinda!
This is definitely very useful, but I have a question - what if you are really uncomfortable with a certain love language that is the highest for someone else? I am that way with physical touch, and while I try to make up for it with the other love languages, my friend always feels like it isn’t enough when that is missing. I have tried to ignore my uncomfortability, because I feel like a really bad friend otherwise, but I’ve also been trying to make boundaries recently and so am thinking what’s the best balance between adapting to someone else to show them care, and keeping my own boundaries.
Kati Morton, I saw you did a video reviewing the netflix show "13 Reasons Why". Can you please please do HBO "Euphoria"? There is a lot of teen issues and issues that can be happening to adults young and adult going on in this show and I think you should watch the whole thing and provide a therapist's perspective in this show, because there is also lots of modern things teens n everyone do nowadays that is not addressed now esp what is in the show, taboo and needs to bring up mental health issues that can be hard and dark to bring up in real life esp if these characters had received counseling! Please watch it and letme know what you thought as a therapist!
Kati , I have a question and I hope you answer it , i learned a lot from you . My questions is : I have a big history in mental health issues and therapy , and also am posting my arts about mental disorders etc and express them , I am also a psychology student ; but there is a big problem here , my friends and followers come to tell me facts of themselves , secrets , and sometimes how they feel mostly hard feelings. I don't know how to treat them and their messages to show my empathy while not going too much to act like I am their therapist???? I hope you understand my question and have some tips for that . Thanks again
I have known about them and recognise them in others, I hate physical touch , i am like a cat it very much has to be on my terms but them I am made to feel cold and uncaring because those that speak this love language most just don't seem to comprehend my aversion. It would be interested in seeing a compatibility chart for which languages are the least compatible. I myself very mush appreciate quality time, my BPD may play a role in that though.
geez, I honestly don't understand why so many people hate blondes and make blonde jokes to make themselves feel better? hence the 65 thumbs down on this video. That's flat out dumb and wreaks of low self-esteem
we both had the same love language but diffrent second love languages and qe teally worked on inderstand that about eath other. my ex had personal issues that he was working om when we became a couple but he became paranoid and was convinsed I was out to break his heart so he stoped working on himself and started taking everything out om me so I broke up with him and he got his lauzy wish fulfiled 🤨
It's not clear to me when you say quality time together is important in a relationship as is having uninterrupted communication with them but then cite an example where it isn't clear if you are proposing as an extreme possibly obsessional extreme of that otherwise valuable trait or if you are contradictorily saying the girl was not allowing the your quality self to shine in an otherwise untierrupted quality interaction and lessen the quality overall compared to being "social self and enjoying it" at a gathering.
Just wondering if you could do a video on what should be done if someone we know with an eating disorder is relapsing and dangerously unhealthy. Would be nice.
And maybe she could lead by example.
I’ve known this for years. It really helps my relationships with people who actually listen when I tell them my love languages. My parents on the other hand got offended that I didn’t appreciate whatever kind of love they wanted to give me. They didn’t want to hear and prioritize the ways I feel most loved. 😞
I am so glad it's helped many of your relationships.. but so sorry your parents didn't understand or try to work with you... ugh :( xoxo
Learning about the 5 love languages has helped me finally understand & accept my marriage ending. I couldn’t fathom how a relationship with so much love fail until I realized we don’t experience love in the same way 💔
But it's not that you both experienced love in a DIFFERENT way, it's one or both of you didn't try or didn't know to love the other in the way they needed. Any relationship can survive with different primary love languages, when both partners know and fulfill each others needs.
I am so glad learning about them was helpful.. I know any relationship ending can be hard to process. xoxoxo
As a person who is in the middle of an eating disorder relapse, I know how it is hard to get help for yourself because you don't the problem.I'm lucky enough to have people around me to push me and make me see what's going on is wrong, If it wasn't for them I would be dead right now. The hard cold truth is that Anaoxica is the deadliest mental illness. What's happening With Eugina is really sad she doesn't seem to have people around her that see what she is doing as wrong or don't care. Kati if you still have contact with Eugina and are able to help please do. I know how hard it is when the person doesn't want help. That was me too but people around me didn't give up so if you're around her, I hope you can do the same for her. Although recovery is so hard and sometimes you fall it is worth it and the end.
Had a bad weekend with my boyfriend (of 5 years) and TH-cam recommends this to me. Perfect timing!
Happy Monday, Katie! I am 31 but am going to apply for masters in counseling programs here in Oregon for next year. Your videos have been so helpful! Have an amazing week!
Awe yay!! I am so excited for you!! And glad I could help :) xoxo
Kati Morton I also really, really love love languages and I think it’s been one of the things that makes my marriage so strong!
31 is young - that said, there's no expiration date for beginning new experiences. Life is a journey. I hope this new adventure is an enjoyable one!
Neediness is one of the biggest things. People run away from needy people 😱🙏🏼
It's true though
Why is that?
I'm personally convinced that "needy" is just a word that people with avoidant attachment styles use to describe people with other attachment styles.
@@AdrianColley It depends on the extent of the neediness.
@@AdrianColley I agree. Same with clingy. Just a pathetic buzzword that people who are sociopaths, people that have no capacity to love, and just plain garbage people that use others invented
Knowing this information has helped my relationship 100%. My love language is words of affirmation and my bf's is physical touch. In the beginning, we kept using our own love language to show affection, but it was lost on the other person. Once we learned about the 5 love languages, everything changed. He tells me beautiful, amazing things all the time. I hug him, hold his hand, give him back rubs, etc. This works for us and we're both really happy. We feel very loved
I love this. I think i found out about this through you, Kati haha but it's not until recently that i've felt comfortable sharing this iwth my friends. i dont know how many of them take it seriously but i really hope some of them do. it helps me understanding myself a lot and i pay attention to how i express my love to my friends whose love language i know. :) it's so fascinating and yet so simple.
My husband and I are working with a therapist on this. My primary love language is words of affirmation but my husband is very uncomfortable expressing his love through words. He shows that he loves me in other ways but it doesn't have the same impact.
We took the love languages quiz at work under the platonic relationships category and i had the same results. My boss started sending me random emails and texts about what a great asset to the team i am and it makes me feel so appreciated and loved! It's amazing what a difference it makes. Great video and I'm so glad you talked about this!
Perfect timing, single as of last Wednesday :(
She was everything to me. And I swear she was all of the five love languages.
You deserve better and everything happens for a reason
Hear me out and feel free to give feedback. Is having someone as everything to you healthy? We’re all imperfect people. Expecting someone to be everything to you will lead to disappointment.
Sorry about the break up. Heart break in romantic relationships is a big fear of mine.
@@E.W.C.1993 We had our faults. What I mean is that she is what I dreamed of. But I was too closed off the give back the same and in turn threw it all away. We exhausted ourselves. The timing wasn't right, and I don't know how to not be hard on myself for everything. Thank you for reaching out.
The book "'Attached: How To Find and Keep Love" speaks on this similar topic but doesn't imply love languages per se more like individual needs depending on our attachment style(secure, avoidant, anxious). Highly recommend this book if you're interest in relationship psychology The subject matter in this book is very practical as well.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for covering this very important topic of love languages!
Yes! I knew about these and my husband and I have read the book. It helped our marriage be stronger. My most important is quality time. My husband's is physical touch. This was a great refresher and reminder on how to show those around me love. Thanks!
Like your voice! Happy Monday!
I'm so happy you did a video about this. The 5 Love Languages is a great book, and you broke it down in a great way! This is a super valuable aspect to consider for relationships, and to know your own, that way you can communicate what your love language is to someone else and give a heads up!
I have two of them. Acts of service and quality time. I hate being touched by friends😄😄
I remember when the book came out but never paid attention. Makes so much sense!
My relationship was very new when COVID happened. I get a lot of comfort from just being able to spend time with her. Im bad with words and am easily embarrassed by compliments. Due to my mental health I struggle with keeping up screen communication. I'm really struggling with this quarantine and not being able to see her. I've sent her the quiz as well so I hope I can make her feel appreciated and loved
The School of Life taught me this ages ago and I feel so grateful for it, it's wonderful that you're bringing this subject up, thank you =))
In my case it helped to bring delicate subjects with my partners and friends and discuss about relationship dynamics or debate about ideal partnerships. But knowing about my love language didn't make me feel specially more capable of teaching other people how I wanted to be treated. Sometimes I even felt narcissistic talking about it, and that I had to adapt to other people's love languages instead of building a common ground.
Love languages, for me, represent an opportunity to reflect not only on how you feel you want to be treated, but also meditate on how much self-esteem you think you have and if you prioritise enough your language above inconvenient relationships.
This is enlightening, thank you!
I knew about these love languages before, but you explained them more clearly (and more beautifully^_^). Thank you!
A lot of people take relationships for granted and are in it really only to use the other person for something and not because they care about them
Because most people obsess over superficial things like money and sex, or just use any small little argument as an excuse to cheat/breakup.
My partner and I both read the book and it didn’t help at all. 🤷🏼♀️BUT I still believe it is helpful information for those in good relationships.
So much love came to your PO box, Kati. A little was from me too.
Awe thanks Ray!! I will check later this week :) xoxo
when taking the test I felt like the evaluation of gift giving was skewed, it doesn't take into account that unless you have a huge amount of money or of times of course gifts will always be more meaningful and special than for example sitting next to each other, which is something I can get when I want with almost nothing to stop me. I feel like the gifts were in many cases compared to a zero effort, zero trouble getting it thing that of course you can get any time in a relationship while a gift unless you're really rich or are constantly doing crafts inevitably takes more effort, is rarer and therefore more meaningful than that
I didn't know love language was a thing until my ex boyfriend pulled up the explanations on a website we scrolled through. Still, I didn't understand what it was about... until months after we broke up.
Trying to figure out what my own love language is.
I wish I found your videos sooner I’m going through ocd and I’m pretty sure I also have bpd I see a therapist but I want to branch out to help my ocd and high anxiety thank you for helping us all
No, knowing this didn't make relationship better as the person didn't want to give any attention to someone else but him, so being the only side that give is unfair and lead to a breakup.
Mine is definitely acts of service. When I found that my husband had hand-washed my pantyhose and put them on towels to dry, I was deeply touched he would do this humble little act for me. He also puts clean towels by the tub for me. ❤️
Gifts is one of my languages and I think there is some misconception that it's a shallow materialistic thing. It was my birthday last weekend. My mom never knows what to get me so I asked her if she could buy me some curry powder, garam masala, etc. so I could make a curry (I moved recently and left my spices). She knows what spices you need for curry like the back of her hand. She gave me olive oil for my birthday. I think she went to the olive oil store thinking they would have my spices but they didn't so she said well that will do. I'm a bit upset because I feel like she has a tendency to not care. It wasn't about the gift so much as the lack of trying. She forgot the dates I was moving across country. I had to keep reminding her I was leaving. (She's cognitively healthy)
People tell me I give them very thoughtful gifts. There are people I know who have it dead last in their preferences, like my boyfriend. I still do a good job with the gifts even though he'd be fine with nothing, but I also make sure to pay attention to his love language quality time and words of affirmation just like he attends to my languages.
Kati,
My love language as a recipient is words of affirmation but
My love language as a giver is (unironically) gift-giving
Is it possible to be dichotomous like this? I usually only see people picking their top one.
My relationship ended because we spoke totally different love languages! He never did the test but I'm pretty sure my top two on the list are his last two and vice versa.
I took one of the quizzes before. :) I got a tie between physical touch(I love hugs!) and quality time.
It was really helpful ❤️
I've started watching you more and more. Especially now in the current times. IS THERE A Book about DBT?? I'm missing my class now and I really want to continue with my study.. i trust your judgment. Please let me know. Sending love your way.
So true!!! I've know this and have used this with my boyfriend a lot. Recently, my toxic parents have forced me to end the love relationship with my boyfriend. I didn't want that. So, me and my boyfriend still talk, but as friends not lovers. Kati, can you pls help me how do I not get anxious when I remember our love lives? Or anyone, pls help. I'm stuck in this covid with my parents and have no way of getting out.
I would seriously just let your parents have it. You can be in a relationship with who ever you want and it’s none of their business
I've known abot Love Languages for a long time but it never crossed my mind to know what my bf love language is. Now i think i know for the way he expresses his love for me, but i'll ask him anyways, better safe than sorry
What would I do If I'm the only one who make efforts and initiative to communicate or to have conversations? When I tried to have conversation with him, he always give me short answers like he have no interest at all. And now, he left me.
Find you a better man, chica!
Same here, we deserve better!
I am sorry for your break up. 💔 but communication is key.
he was not your best match. 🌸
@@creative2716 Thank you. Appreciate this so much.
i haveeee alll 5
Mine was overwhelmingly acts of service. I had 0% physical touch (yikes) and my husband's is overwhelmingly physical touch. Any ideas how we can both make the other one happy?
By making a conscious effort to speak to them in their love language.. like maybe you rub his back when you lay down in bed. Or give him a hug when you get home.. and let him know what your love language is too. So he can do the same :) xoxo It takes effort, but all relationships take some effort :)
OH my mother doesn't give words of affirmation, so that's why I feel so uncomfortable when I buy cans and get complimented!!!
Didn't you say you were going to get back to number 3 but then never did? Or did I misunderstand something?
This is why I have never been in one I am also really ugly lol.
...because people?
Communication. Absolutely. That's a large umbrella. Healthy, proactive and within healthy (I almost used the word normal) thresholds. Great video. Thank you.
You’re getting pretty close to a million subscribers! 😊 How are you gonna celebrate when you get there?
I know right?!?! Crazy!! Maybe a livestream??!! xoxo
how about a live stream party? streamers, balloons, bottle of bubbly, music... make it a celebration. 🥳👌
I've learned these 5 ways of expressing love in a religion class.
However, calling these "languages" does not sit with me.
I heard once that your love language is what you didn’t receive as a kid and that suck with me
Often im afraid to mention that one of my languages is "touch" because I don't want their automatic thought be intimacy. But any touch outside of intimacy is what I crave. It's made this whole "timeout" even harder lol.
Maybe consider how you could express what it is you mean by touch.. letting them know that what you crave or need isn't intimate touch, but just loving platonic touch :) You could even journal about it ;) hahah!!! xoxo
@@Katimorton oh my, this J-bombing!!!! Lol
I wish this was taught in school
Omg me too!!!! xoxo
This information has helped me gain a lot of insight into my experience growing up. My parents love languages are acts of service and words of affirmation. Mine is quality time. I always said that I know my parents love and care for me but I never *felt* loved because they were terrible at turning phones off when talking or even doing grocery shopping when we planned an evening out alone.
It's been a struggle to get past that in other relationships, and believe that people really care and want to spend time with me.
Maybe that's why I flourish in therapy. It's the one place I truly get that. Working on creating the same feeling in real life as well.
I am so glad this was helpful!!! and YES!! That could be why you never felt loved even though they were showing you love in their language. xoxoxo
perfect timing! 2 weeks ago my boyfriend left for college, so this was very helpful! 1 year going strong! thank you☺️❤️
Of course!! So glad it was helpful!!! :) xoxo
When I was quarantined I told my bf that quality time was important to me, so he scheduled zoom movie nights for us to make sure I felt loved 🥺
It is kinda of funny really.. Humans pride themselves on "intelligence", but we do everything that any other animal does in the wild, from a bird to a meerkat.
I did not know these 5 love languages, but after i got the boyfriend i have now i realized how much of myself i kept under the rug!
Now I am 100% myself, we sing goofy love songs to each other, we have a lot of names and generally sounds of affection. This i did not have in my other relationships! And it helps a lot, whenever we argue, even when we are totally down in a dark pit, we manage to speak reason to each other and often get the mood up with the love languages we've got!
I see a lot of reasons to know these, i will observe and use it on my friends and family, to be even better at loving! :D
Reading the 5 love languages helped me improve my relationship with my mom. Like you discribed, we didn't have the same love language so, despite her efforts, it didn't feel like love for me. Now I make sure to never miss an occasion to buy her a gift and she doesn't miss one to give me a warm hug.
I am so glad it was so helpful!!! xoxo Yay! xoxo
Me and my fiance hate each other's love languages. He's gifts and I'm time spent and physical touch. Gifts make me heavily uncomfortable and I associated with someone doing something wrong and trying to make up for it. He hates physical touch and doesn't like to be around people. 🤦♀️
That's a deal breaker for me, I need someone with the same love languages! I can't fathom being around someone who doesn't like touch
@@thehealingfairee unfortunately we didn't understand this about one another untill we had two children. It does make thinks very challenging. But also when he makes an effort to show love my way or me him it means a little more to me because I know he's trying.
@@thehealingfairee no doubt in my mind either.
My ex baby daddy wasn't used to hugs either best believe he got used to it because he had to with me. IT INCREASES SEROTONIN. His family is a hateful narcissist(mostly) family that never hugs like mine did
Knowing my love language helped me realize that I was not getting my needs met in my last relationship. My ex was great with acts of service, but my top two love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation and I did not receive either from them without asking first. This was incredibly painful! The quality time we spent together and the acts of service they performed meant a lot to me, but they couldn't fill what I was missing from the relationship. now to find someone who can!
People are selfish and greedy. People take and take without giving back. That's why my husband is my best friend and I keep friendships and family ties to a minimum.
Finding someone who has had similar past experiences in life, not so much similar interests, is the secret to solid relationships in my book. They understand you and why you feel how you do. All these points Kati has brought up are very important too. Just make sure you are showing your love language to the right people.
Honestly finding people with a similar past experience can be next to impossible for some people.
I disagree, it’s not past experiences that matter it’s perspective. I have absolutely not experienced anything like what my husband has gone though in his childhood, I’ve never had to deal with death like he has and being forced to move across the world, etc. but that doesn’t matter because we both have the same perspective of life, which is what attracted us to each other. We have our priorities straight, we aren’t caught up in all the stupid shit that a lot of people waste their time on, we know what’s actually important in life and we see things the same way. But I 1,000% agree that most people are innocuous assholes and it’s best to keep close ties to a minimum.
@@grayonthewater I agree with you.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.. and I am so sorry you have to keep friendships and family ties to a minimum :( xoxo
Shes right
@Kati Morton , could you make a video for those who don’t know who they are and they have no interests, passions, life goals or dreams, and possibly what to do?
For me, I just feel like I don’t have any real goals for anything and I don’t know what I want in life (not like I have a lot to choose from, I just don’t know what I want).
I’ve always had the thought in the back of mind that suicide is my only fate, and I don’t know how to get out of that and I don’t know if I can, which may be why I don’t know what I want from life.
I’ve been in 4 psych hospitals, several counselors/doctors who don’t know how to help - as if I knew what to tell them what to help - meds that don’t work, all over 6 years.
I’m a senior in high school and I’ve been dreading it, especially since a young age, I kept telling myself I’m going to attempt suicide (again) at 18 (3 months). It’s not that I want to, but I don’t have anything to strive for, again, no interests, dreams, life goals (like a car, my offered job promotion, etc), hobbies, or passions.
I feel like quarantine has made me thought about all of this more and I’m just really scared of not knowing who I am. I’ve had interests in the past before, but they turned out to be phases. Now my life (since 2 years) revolves around food (my counselor is a joke and doesn’t know how to help and treats me like broken glass) and I just feel like everyday is the same never ending cycle of binging/restrict (self diagnosed since my counselor couldn’t help). My counseling ends at 18 because of insurance, not that it ever helped. I haven’t seen them in months because of quarantine. My family also has no idea how to help. I just feel hopeless.
I hope you respond @Kati Morton
Thanks
@basic zachh, stop concentrating on yourself... Work on finding your skill that you are best at ! Wake up! There is hope for you!
I loved this video so much thank you 😊 how are you doing?
Please help me
I need help and advice. My therapist ended our sessions because I took an overdose 3 times. How can I get her back??? Please help me. She was my private therapist. I’ve been referred to NHS psych team now but I just want my private therapist back. How do I get her back? I apologised so many times. I even made an apology video but she hasn’t watched it yet. Please can you advise me
Please don't feel you need to apologise for taking an overdose. What you need is a hug and someone to listen.
I'm sending a big virtual hug your way :)
How would you feel about talking to The Samaritans and maybe looking into a different private therapist? Someone who understands you need an hug and some positive attention, rather than one who isn't meeting your needs.
I have known about this for a while. The pastor who was doing pre-marital counselling with me and my husband had us read it together. It really helped us a lot.
That's how my mom found out about it too!! xoxo
From experience, I think attachment style is more the culprit for most relationships falling apart. What do you think?
I am confused as to how discussing The 5 Love Languages is to do with why so many relationships go bad. Have I missed it?
I knew about this prior and it did make my relationships easier in terms of not wasting too much energy on lower LL. I wouldn't say they are the reason relationships go bad.
I’m trying my best to find the spark back in my relationship of 6 years
Very interesting book, also check out Gary Chapman's Love Languages for Children and Teenagers. Will it work with narcissist? 🙏❤️selfhelpchampion
I knew about this before due to a sociology class in undergrad. It’s definitely helpful when you’re in a relationship!
I guess the 6th love language is humor. I'll love someone who makes me laugh and I make the people I love laugh.
I’m a huge quality time person and the way your friend expressed it is really weird to me. I don’t want 1x1 time or else I’ll be upset, I like hanging out with groups of people, I’d just rather spend time in person over texting or calling, etc. I hate texting, like let’s just meet up and do something fun and we can talk then lol
Even though you and this friend have the same love language- you just express it differently. Sounds like your more extroverted than Kati’s friend. There’s nothing wrong with either way of being 😄
I haven’t seen the video yet, but I can’t wait! I love all of Kati’s videos!
I finally had time to watch the video and take the quiz! I got physical touch
@@blakelysmith7636 Physical touch from a girl is all I need. It’s the best feeling in the world being bear hugged 😍
Huh, your order of love languages is nearly the same as mine. My whole family isn't big on gifts. I recall when I was a kid, my dad would awkwardly ask 'So what do you want for your birthday?' and I'd go 'uh...' We've long since given up, so now we don't do gifts on birthdays. Instead we go out to eat together.
OTOH, my mom's primary love language is acts of service and she isn't big on words of affirmation at all, whereas I eventually realized that my dad really needs words of affirmation, which is why he's miserable. Oof.
Hi, I enjoyed your video. Wouldnt it be great if everyone was taught the '5 Love Languages' - it would help us to better understand ourselves and others and how we show and give our love. It would help many people navigate new relationships with others and perhaps even mend rocky relationships. Thanks Kati
...and?!... Infatuation, obsession different?!....why some people choose 'self-Love'?!.... I don't know!....Quiet sensibly!....
I admire the grounded positivity you exude, makes the topics you speak about easier to listen to
Hey Kati. I was hoping I could ask you a question. Me and my mom have been caring for my grandmother for several years. She’s been living in a nursing home as of late and had been doing very well both physically and mentally. In spite of this, she died suddenly and very unexpectedly on Friday morning.
My natural inclination is to begin caring for my mom as she grieves, because I’m terrified for how she’s going to process this and I want to support her in every way possible, but I’m finding that I’m just as scared to address this loss myself. How do you go from being a caregiver to grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of the person you were caring for? How can I help my mother through the grieving process while allowing myself my own space to grieve?
Hello Kati, thank you so very much for your videos, they have been an amazing support tool and great insight, I am very happy the algorithm recommended your channel! I have a question if I may, at some point you talk about a test to figure out your love languages scale, do you have a specific quiz you could recommend? thank you again!
Kati, my darling, who left you waiting at an airport? You keep referring to it... Girl, next time, call me... Well, if you ever come to South Africa. 😄
I'm a recent subscriber and I've binge watched your videos. (Hence, I picked up on the airport scenario.)
You're very close to 1M subscribers and if I may say so, you're awesome. I love your attitude and your approach to every situation. Thanks for everything that you do. 🙏 Stay safe. 💐
I will definitely call you next time :) It was a "friend" who I am no longer friends with.. that was the last straw for me. I am so glad you are enjoying the videos and finding them helpful!!! xoxo
I just took the quiz and my top 2 were words of affirmation and acts of service, which makes a lot of sense because I'm really anxious and have low self esteem so I need a lot of validation and praise to feel truly loved and appreciated, and I often actively seek out praise and validation. I also struggle a lot with depression and motivation, so when someone chooses to help me with things I don't have the energy or motivation to do myself, it makes me feel really understood and cared for.
This is probably actually why I feel unloved in my relationship, because my boyfriend is more likely to offer quality time, physical touch, or gifts than anything else, which, for reasons related to my trauma, more often make me feel uncomfortable or unfulfilled. There's like this weird disconnect in my mind where, rationally, I know that he loves me and that this is how he's trying to show me his appreciation, but I struggle to accept and appreciate those gestures. I never really thought about it before, but it explains a lot of the loneliness and disconnect I've been feeling.
Honestly... None of that made sense. It seriously sounded like a foreign language, and the quiz was all "either/or" with no opportunity to answer "neither". I don't like touch, I don't believe compliments, I don't like people trying to do my errands. I don't do or like any of those things. It didn't make any sense.
Thanks I have BPD While I watch your video I feel comfortable Good job
I absolutely knew this before we studied this in my sociology class in highschool and even had to take the quiz. It definitely helped me to understand why I am the way I am. I am very very much a physical touch person, and was even more so in highschool. Therefore knowing to ask for hugs was very helpful. Especially first year of college, when I didn't have friends I knew well enough to touch or hug all the time, it was important for me to get a lot of physical touch when I was home and when I finally got comfortable with my roommates and friends. Also it just kinda struck me how big a factor it is in my relationships during covid. I feel really disconnected right now, because quality time and physical touch are really hard things to like....do right now. Especially physical touch. I wanna hug people so so bad. ugh soon soon soon.
I've shared this with my boyfriend as I was curious to what he prefers. But I got met with a "why are you showing me psychology stuff" and "I don't like that". I wonder why he's so negative about this... afraid of himself? When this can be so powerful..
I've read the book. It is wonderful. I highly recommend it! It helped me know mine and my friends' love languages. I took the quiz last year or so and mine is primarily physical touch though acts of service is one I have learned to speak. It is the one I use when I'm at the library. I speak my best friend's love language which is words of affirmation. She's learned to speak mine.
I read the 5 Love Languages book & felt like it was crap. Maybe I'm alone in that opinion. Basically all of the love languages are just being thoughtful--what does that person need in that moment. I want professionals to suggest something other than love languages--it's tired & unhelpful to me.
Katie . I love u. I have multiple repeated trauma. Violence. Rape. Sexual harrassment. For almost 20 yrs of my life.never talked about it. Until i went to therapy. He told me to either talk or write it down. It will help he said. But then said that i should not focus on these memories. I'm confused. Should i ignore my memories or talk about them
Yes I knew. No it didn’t help because I’m to selfish to pay attention to what they want . So I’m single working on myself . Me.. me.. me.. lol jk kinda!
This is definitely very useful, but I have a question - what if you are really uncomfortable with a certain love language that is the highest for someone else? I am that way with physical touch, and while I try to make up for it with the other love languages, my friend always feels like it isn’t enough when that is missing. I have tried to ignore my uncomfortability, because I feel like a really bad friend otherwise, but I’ve also been trying to make boundaries recently and so am thinking what’s the best balance between adapting to someone else to show them care, and keeping my own boundaries.
Kati Morton, I saw you did a video reviewing the netflix show "13 Reasons Why". Can you please please do HBO "Euphoria"? There is a lot of teen issues and issues that can be happening to adults young and adult going on in this show and I think you should watch the whole thing and provide a therapist's perspective in this show, because there is also lots of modern things teens n everyone do nowadays that is not addressed now esp what is in the show, taboo and needs to bring up mental health issues that can be hard and dark to bring up in real life esp if these characters had received counseling! Please watch it and letme know what you thought as a therapist!
Kati , I have a question and I hope you answer it , i learned a lot from you . My questions is : I have a big history in mental health issues and therapy , and also am posting my arts about mental disorders etc and express them , I am also a psychology student ; but there is a big problem here , my friends and followers come to tell me facts of themselves , secrets , and sometimes how they feel mostly hard feelings. I don't know how to treat them and their messages to show my empathy while not going too much to act like I am their therapist???? I hope you understand my question and have some tips for that . Thanks again
Too bad the test has decided either I don't exist or non-binary people cannot have love languages 😒
Well I mean,, the "prefer not to say" is pretty close to that I guess
@@fallzscrapped2 It's better than forcing you to choose in order to continue, but still states that those are the only two options.
My way of expressing it is totally acts of service. But i hate being touched. The latter makes some friendships difficult.
I have known about them and recognise them in others, I hate physical touch , i am like a cat it very much has to be on my terms but them I am made to feel cold and uncaring because those that speak this love language most just don't seem to comprehend my aversion. It would be interested in seeing a compatibility chart for which languages are the least compatible. I myself very mush appreciate quality time, my BPD may play a role in that though.
geez, I honestly don't understand why so many people hate blondes and make blonde jokes to make themselves feel better? hence the 65 thumbs down on this video. That's flat out dumb and wreaks of low self-esteem
Video request. Can you explain why the skin hurts from lack of touch, please?
we both had the same love language but diffrent second love languages and qe teally worked on inderstand that about eath other.
my ex had personal issues that he was working om when we became a couple but he became paranoid and was convinsed I was out to break his heart so he stoped working on himself and started taking everything out om me so I broke up with him and he got his lauzy wish fulfiled 🤨
Maybe reach out to certain someone with a relapsing ED and try to get them help? Or did you and Shane only got involved with her for clout??
It's not clear to me when you say quality time together is important in a relationship as is having uninterrupted communication with them but then cite an example where it isn't clear if you are proposing as an extreme possibly obsessional extreme of that otherwise valuable trait or if you are contradictorily saying the girl was not allowing the your quality self to shine in an otherwise untierrupted quality interaction and lessen the quality overall compared to being "social self and enjoying it" at a gathering.
Kati, can you please talk about dealing with LDR in Covid?