Growing up with a schizophrenic mother - My 25th Year: InsideOut
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ก.ย. 2024
- if you want to see me InsideOut, you can read my piece here: miguel.url.lol...
It's been a year of ups and downs for me. Moreso than previous years.
The downs have been:
going in and out of my father's second divorce, facing the long ago mental loss of my mother, having the most severe depression I've ever felt, turning my classes in Incomplete Classes in the Spring 2013 semester due to the divorce and blowing them off in the Fall, going to therapy four times a week some weeks in the Fall was so draining, facing suicidal impulses, fighting the feeling that finishing undergrad is a waste of time and money at this point, facing dread at having to sell the house and move due to the divorce, and feeling like a horrible, terrible failure of a son to my mother.
But the ups were so much sweeter because of the lows:
finding a group of friends that I can look up to and who inspire me, training myself and ran my first 5K, running two adventure races, going into family therapy at my suggestion, completed the National Alliance on Mental Illness's 12-week Family-to-Family course to learn more about my estranged mother's brain disease (schizophrenia), found my voice and took voice coaching sessions, got a new job through a friend, and completed a ten-day silent meditation retreat.
I write all this because it's just been my birthday. I am 25 as of yesterday, January 4, 2014.
I'm sick of carrying my story with me inside my head. I want it down in writing so I don't forget it. And I want it on here, for anyone to see. I want 2013 to be the last year of being scared of my past being 'found out'. So I'm taking charge and just putting it all out there.
If you want to see me InsideOut, you can read my piece here: miguel.url.lol...
or here: miguel.url.lol... (SoundCloud)
Been married to my best friend for almost 10 years. When I married him I had no idea of the dark secret hiding within him. I was both scared and relieved when we got his diagnosis. With understanding and encouragement we got him in for treatment. It is a day to day battle. Please remember you are not at fault. You was made to grow up to fast. I am great full for your story. Find your happiness, you deserve it.
+Donna Downie Thank you for writing to me, Donna. It's hard to remember and now that it wasn't my fault. I'm sorry the disease came out of your best friend. I am happy you have the knowledge and strength to support him and his treatment. Bless you.
I watched this in 2018 and hope that You are doing well and please know that I admire Your strength and wisdom and that happiness has found it's way into your life!
thank you, Deborah Greene, i'm doing a lot better these days. Therapy, being in a men's support group, and regular phone calls with loved ones does a lot for me, turns out.
Your incredibly brave, honest portrayal of your mother and life is so important. THANK YOU - I so appreciate knowing I am not alone.
I'm sick of carrying my story with me inside my head. I’ve written it down so I don't forget it. I want 2013 to be the last year of being scared of my past being 'found out'. So I'm taking charge and putting this out there.
Growing up with a schizophrenic mother - My 25th Year: InsideOut: bit.ly/Miguel25
THE OVERVIEW
It's been a year of ups and downs for me. More so than previous years.
The downs have been:
• facing the long ago loss of my mother
• failing to graduate due to being depressed about my father’s second divorce
• facing suicidal impulses
• feeling like a horrible, terrible failure of a son to my ill mother
But the ups were so much sweeter because of the lows:
• training myself and running my first 5K
• going into family therapy at my suggestion
• completed a 3 month-long course to learn more about my mother's schizophrenia
• completed a 10-day silent meditation retreat
• finding a group of friends that I can look up to and who inspire me
I write all this because it's just been my birthday. I am 25 as of yesterday, January 4, 2014.
So if you want to see me InsideOut, you can read my piece here: bit.ly/Miguel25
And if you prefer to listen to me read this go to the links below. It runs (11m58s):
bit.ly/Miguel25YT (TH-cam)
bit.ly/Miguel25SC (SoundCloud)
I wish you were here to so you could talk to my kids!! A person who knows what it like from first hand experience, someone who knows exactly what its like. Its been a traumatizing 10 year. Im sorry you've had to go through it:(
+Kari V Thank you so much for writing to me, +Kari V. I wish I could talk to your kids too. I'm sorry my video isn't 100% kid friendly with some of the language I use. I'm sorry you and your kids have to go through it at all.
Miguel Manalo thanks for sharing this, its scary how much i can relate, given that my mother also has schizophrenia. she recently was sent home after going from care center to care center for the last 7 years. its less than 2 months in and already her symptoms are returning and im terrified for the future. but since im more educated about it i feel more proactive about handling the situation. wish me luck!
+Edwin Pena, good luck! I know how scary and heartbreaking it must feel to watch the symptoms come back. You can do it!
Thank you for this, it helps hearing someone relate to having a schizophrenic mother.
Jaimie Wint Dear Jaimie, You're welcome. I know the feeling of thinking you're crazy because of how sad and mad and alone you feel. And it sucks. Sometimes you just want to hear someone in the exact same shoes be as angry and sad as you're feeling. Thank you for listening.
you are so amazing. i couldn’t help but cry throughout this raw and honest reality you live. thank you for the courage you had to create this video!!!
oh thank you so much xyzeli!
These stories really scare me.
I'm schizophrenic and pregnant.
I am well medicated.
We are all different.
I want to learn from these stories, to make sure I am a good mother.
I have support.
I am sorry for your experience.
I am sorry for your mother.
I pray my child does not feel the pain, the hatred or the anger you have felt.
I too meditate, I also study it. Currently completing a Masters of Metaphysics.
Never give up.
Credit to you!
Don't give up on your mother.
She loves you.
+Philippa Richardson Thank you, Philippa. I'm sorry to have scared you. I hope your child doesn't have to feel all the feelings I have felt but you sound like a lovely mother, staying on top of medication and self-care.
It's really hard for me this time of year. I want her to be there with everyone else on Christmas day but I just don't want her to be sick and aggressive.
The fight is really hard against the darkness inside me and it's hard not to give up some days.
I'm happy I could be one part of your learning.
I know this was uploaded awhile back but I just wanted to say thank you...I needed this so bad today! My mom is also schizophrenic. I can relate & have been through almost everything u said. Thank u for sharing your story. It made me feel like I’m not alone in this.....😔
Yeah over six years ago now. It feels bananas to write that.
I'm glad you found it. People like you who comments make me feel a kind of siblinghood type of love however strange that is to say to a stranger online.
It's a strange childhood we had.
I'm happy you found it. And we can be together in it in our own way.
Hi! I am also the child of a schizophrenic parent. Though we feel completely isolated we are not alone. There are so many of us out there trying to find one another. If you can please check out my channel in which I have interviewed other children of schizophrenics. It has definitely helped me in my healing. Blessings.
Soooo true. God bless you. Put this video on Redit as a lot of people live this life.
Ah, I'm nervous to put it up there! But thank you. God bless you and your family.
In my 22nd year with a schizophrenic mother, it hurts to think or talk about it but hearing someone else's story helps in a way. It's not something people talk about so I have never met anyone else with a parent with Schizophrenia. My father was constantly drunk while I was a child so I also understand having conflicted emotions about everything.
+touchingwildhorses I'm happy you don't feel so alone listening to my story. I'm sorry you're in the same boat. I know how hard it is to talk about even with family members or friends that love you because it's just not something they can fathom in their brains that a brain can become so diseased and broken and so reality is shattered too. They can only hug tight and listen but sometimes you just want real empathy from someone who's suffered in the same way.
After making this blog post/video I wish I could talk with other people with schizophrenic parents in person. TH-cam's great for broadcasting but being in the same space sharing childhood stories seems so healing to me. Eating good food and just commiserating about the realities of mental illness sounds like a perfect way to soothe our neglected inner childs during the holidays.
Yo hi my mom has schitzophrenia man it's hectic man , at least I'm not alone with this issue, we only now have her for treatment but she has been like this for at least the last 6 years of my life, man you won't believe the hell we went through ,any tips amigo? Listening to your story I saw myself there I know exactly what you went through . Namaste brother
I'm happy you and your family have your mother in treatment. It must feel good to go from absolutely hectic to having professional help and support. As for tips, I'd say learn to meditate. Iw helps (when I remember to do it consistently). Right now I'm learning to give myself compassion and care and love. I dunno about you but I'm good at taking care of everyone else and really shitty at taking care of me. So I'm working on liking me. Haven't gotten too far yet. I'm glad you listened. It means a lot that you wrote to me.
Your story is so touching and you are so wise for your age, Miguel. My heart goes out to you. I also have a schizophrenic mom and can relate to the emotional aspect of coping with her behaviour. It's been a bumpy ride but you will make it through and excel at your career because the skills we acquire through this ordeal make us more resilient and more attuned to others. Get those good grades, Miguel, and ace your life! And should you want to reconnect with your mom in the future and have her medicated, even against her will, you might want to consider filing a Court Order to medicate her involuntarily (to do that you need to prove she's a danger to herself or to others). That's what I did, and the medication helped even though she hates me for taking this step. But NEVER beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. You are so mature and I am very impressed with your eloquence and your intelligence when dealing with a mom like that. You need to put yourself first, and only then can you help others :) Keep up the courage!
Thank you for your heart Pacem321.
I'm slowly learning how to make myself a priority for me. It's hard. I'm glad you found me!
I relate a lot with my schizophrenic mother, in particular your school experiences and being seen by healthy adults and it being an escape
I also raised my siblings, as i feared for their safety
This was incredibly moving. It pierced my heart. You are very gifted. God bless you ❤
Thank you so much, Lena.
💙 ur story touches me. My mother is schizophrenic and i used to suffer a lot of physical abuse in my child hood. I've just started a youtube channel & I want to be as honest with ppl as I can and wondered if people actually tell stories like this. you are inspiring, strong and I wish you well. I still see and talk to my mom I hope that you can see urs too 💙💙💙💛💛
Thank you so much, TheLyfeofaFreeSpirit! I'm glad that my video showed you that there are people who tell raw, bare-it-all stories out there. I wish you well too and good luck with your channel!
Thank you so much for your video. It made me cry from familiarity. I thought NO one understood what my 7 children and I have went through dealing with a schizophrenic husband/father:( The effects are devastating. I’m going to show my kids the video.
+Kari Volk Kari, thank you for writing. I'm sorry you have to cry out of familiarity. I made the video hoping the wide reach of the Internet could find other kids in this situation and I'm glad you and your seven found it. I wish the eight of you luck with dealing with the effects. It is not easy at all. I'm sorry the language in the video isn't 100% kid-friendly but it makes me happy to know that your kids know that there's some dude out there who feels angry and frustrated about being in the same situation as they are.
Hey MIguel, I would rather your message not be sugar coated. My kids are beyond that. Good Luck you on your life journey.
I also know first hand the devastating effects schizophrenia has on a family especially on children. My mother has schizophrenia. Growing up with this unpredictable, hostile illness felt like hell on earth and I did not think anybody else could understand me except my brother.
If you can please check out my channel in which I interview other children of schizophrenic parents. I am sure it can help in some way your family. Blessings.
I really thought that I was the only one with this problem. I was lucky enough to have my dad raise me and I am right there with you about the public part. It's hard because I do love my mother a lot and while on her meds she's a wonderful person but when she's off them it's really horrible.
+devilshomie Thank you for writing to me, +devilshomie. It sucks remembering what kind of outbursts she'd have in public. She actively refused to be on meds. I'm glad your mother takes her meds sometimes. Best of luck to your family.
***** Thank you I really appreciate it.
My mother wouldn't accept that she has a problem. I was simply born into this. This is so long and horrible. I don't feel normal at all especially after growing up. I also have a physically challenged sister. It is tremendously and excruciatingly tough growing up like this.I'm 17 now and I just don't feel my age at all. I can't relate to any of my friends who have a much more normal life than mine. My mom's self esteem has always been at rock bottom. She's always anxious and constantly asks me if I'll abandon her when I go to college. She always accuses my dad of having affairs! NO he is my only role model he is a GEM! Unlike many other husbands,he has held onto her and my special needs sister and no doubts...me too! He works hard day and night to satisfy our needs and wants! My mother blows out all of the money! It makes me cry whenever my mother compares herself to other successful women who are working and have their own income. It HURTS me to death to see my mom do housework while she longs to work independently but is constantly reminded by her schizophrenic personality about her low self esteem and her special needs child. It hurts me when people mock at my mother. It hurts me to see my mom not being able to communicate confidently. It hurts to not be able to understand my mother's problems. It kills me to see her dreams go unfinished.It kills me even more to watch her specials needs 8 year old bed ridden,thirsty for taste but can't eat with her mouth because of risks of aspiring to death.It kills me It kills me.I am so envious of other teens my age who don't even know about this side of life. I know way more for my age and it hurts like anything to know more. My childhood, my immaturity, my innocence, my imagination, my creativity, my zeal , it all seems to me, as a few *short-lived* split seconds of my life. I feel stabbed. I feel even worse for my mom, dad and sister. It is tremendously painful. Nobody of my age can even relate. I'm just going to have to wait for them to catch up with me. I in no way mean to say that I'm superior to them.
It kills me that I can't say all of this as myself but camouflaged.
I don't want anyone treating me differently, but i also want them to know especially when they crib about their petty problems with phones, boyfriends not having boobs and butts...that there's so much more to life than all that crap.
I am actually a ton more positive than this. This is just my alter ego pouring out its heart!
Susan Crasto hey hun. Sorry you had to endure all that pain. I feel bad that your mom was stricken with such a devastating illness. No child should have to experience such trauma. My mom has schizophrenia too but she developed when I was an adult so I'm not traumatized by it. I just miss my mom a lot. The person she used to be. She didn't deserve such an illness. No one does. I tell myself that no matter how difficult it is for me, it's more difficult for her because she's the one who has to suffer the effects of such terrible illness. I can't compare my experience with yours because I was grown when she was diagnosed so the effect on me would be less traumatizing than if I was a child like you, Miguel and others were. I feel your pain. There are no words that I can offer you that would fully console you for what you had to endure but I offer you and the others my love and empathy. All the best to you and everyone who either have the illness or who has to cope with a loved one with the illness.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Lots of love to you, Susan Crasto.
I resonate so much with what you've written. Wanting my mom to be happy. Wanting to take care of my younger sister. Watching whatever is in my mom's head make her angry at everyone around us.
I'm glad you found this video so that maybe you feel less alone. I remember going to friends' houses and seeing how they were with their family and feeling so weird. Like, their homes weren't just tense battlefields all the time?
I am a big proponent of feeling your feelings all the way. Please let everything you need to get out out on here if it feels helpful! My heart feels for you and your family.
I miss my mom too, Angel. Thank you.
I admire your honesty in sharing your difficult moments growing up with a schizophrenic mother. Miguel! I really look forward to our interview on my channel! I hope that we can gradually grow our community and reach more people who are also children of schizophrenics. Blessings.
I’m so happy we’ve connected and that we share the goals of growing our community and being the ones who are talking about this.
@@hellomiguel_ me too! So glad we met!! 🤩🤩🤩
What a brave man you are, Miguel! Your vulnerability is going to help countless others. I am so proud of you and I hope you are proud of you too. You are resilient, strong, and courageous! My heart aches that you had to endure such a traumatic childhood, but I know you were forged in the fire and the best is yet to come for you and your sister.
I want to thank you a billion times for sharing your insights and experience. A billion times, thank you. You might be saving a life.
Thank you, Thais! I'm glad you found me.
ugh.. It really is the worst thing that can happen to a parent. It happened to me too and I can relate to every single word you are saying. My mum is too. for 6 years now and for 4 of those years I actually believed what she said and looking back now it was because I didn't want to admit she was ill. I didn't want to lose my mum. I swear the whole thing gave me PTSD. I would wake up to her talking through the night, wake up in the morning to her repeatedly slamming the door underneath my bedroom that would give me adrenaline rushes as soon as I woke up. I would go downstairs and ask that she not slam the door like that which she replied I never touched the door, are you imagening things again? The worst in the whole situation was when she was screaming in the back gardne and I asked her to come in and stop. She came in and pointed in my face and told me that she could have me killed and that my eyes are not my own...that i was possessed. makes me want to cry even remembering it. She would praise me then do the opposite and it controlled me for years. She has left the country because everyone was in on the crime agaisnt her so I've got my mind back. But I have no idea what to do about her. Should I be trying to get her home? Should I call the mental health services? I hate the situation I am in. When I recieve emails, I don't know if i should actively disagree with her or just ignore her? ty for the video miguel
+banana boy I wish I could tell you what the best course of action is, +banana boy. I have PTSD from growing up too. When I think about the aggression at Christmas or in pubic places the sadness floods me. The accusations and conflicting instructions. Her expectations were always changing because the disease took over her brain and her reality. I'm glad you found my video, I hope you figure out what choices you want to make.
everything is ok now thank god. my nightmare is over. the last 8 years of my life are something i would like to forget about thats for sure. thanks for the reply miguel
Hey, I just want to say it's a really well written piece. I can sympathise..I know what it's like. It sounds like you did the best you could in a hard situation, please don't blame yourself. You did an incredibly good job looking after your sister too all with the stress of your mum and your dad not being there. I hope you have got what you need from the meeting with your mum if you decided to do that. Don't let it eat you up..see how far you've come. Peace :)
Thank you Elsie. It was hard to write. And all these years later I find it hard to make myself listen to it again. Or even read.
Still haven't seen her since posting this.
I'm learning not to be so hard on me and on my mom. It's a hard habit to break. Therapy, a men's support group, and meditation are tiny bits that help. I'm glad you found my video though!
You didn't let your mother down. She's responsible for her own behavior in spite of her illness. I can relate to your pain. My mother suffers from schizoaffective disorder. Only court ordered medication has helped because anosognosia is a very real thing. People who haven't walked this path will never understand how painful this journey this is for kids. You don't have to carry the weight of this anymore. Sending love, strength, and peace to you.
Thanks for writing that, Cheri. I'm glad you found my story. I'm sorry you also have a sick mother.
You're 100% correct. People who don't have this lived experience don't get it.
Do the court-ordered meds work?
Thank you. Your video helped me a lot i felt like you were in my head telling my story i dont know you but thank you again i wanna try and find my mom its been 8 years im 27 now i really hated her growing up but now i now im all she has😢
I came across this video because I recently had an altercation over the phone with my mother. She is also schizophrenic, and bipolar. The type of episode she and I had hasn't happened in a long time, and it was like I completely forgot how to deal with it. I called my father, who has struggled with his own illnesses, and he actually had some valuable insight (after all, he was married to her long enough to have 4 children). I just wanted to say 'thank you' for putting this out there. Talking about this issue is so stressful and embarrassing, but hearing this piece of your story has helped me because I've never met anyone who also had a mother like mine. It made me feel like I'm not crazy, and feelings I've had over time aren't totally ridiculous. As I'm sure you know, it's a lonely lifestyle trying to compensate and recover from a parent like this... Thank you again, because I feel a little less alone, and more optimistic in regards to my own journey of understanding her and myself.
-Katy
Kathryn Brito Thanks so much, Katy, for writing to me. It's Mother's Day here in the US and I'm having a rough time. I'm happy listening to my story made you feel less alone. The loneliness is getting to me today but I'm hoping a walk in the sunny park with my dog will help. You're right. Fighting the sadness and the compensation all the time gets tiring. I'll try to be more optimistic with you in spirit!
I never thought someone else was going through this. My dad is paranoid schizophrenic and my mom is another story. It gave me relief to know someone else knows how I feel.
+Katrina Shipman I'm happy that you found me and that you found someone else who knows what it feels like.
My dad is paranoid schizophrenic and my parents split when I was young. Then guess who's taking care of them both now. Me. Some days I am super woman, but today I'm exhausted. Lol "Get in the shower dad, the device in your head isn't going to infect your ear!"
I HOPE THINGS ARE SOMEHOW BETTER NOW FOR YOU AND YOURS
I love your story. I too grew up with a mother who was paranoid schizophrenic. I was also the oldest. Besides feeling like I was the cause of her diseases, I also felt and still feel as though no one understands how much I actually did for my sister's and I. I think that's why I like the part where you said you selfishly want credit or recognition for what you had to do. Sadly, I went the opposite way with my attitude. I became an introvert and trusted no one. my defences were manipulation and intimidation. I am now 42, recently started therapy and well on my way to recovery. Thanks so much for sharing you story! It means so much to know my sisters and i are not alone.
+Deez Nutz I'm happy you're on the road to recovery with starting therapy. It isn't easy to start and sometimes it gets harder even after starting. I'm glad you feel less alone because of what I wrote.
Wow! Minus the "mature" content, this couldn't have been more dead on for the 1st educational/formal introduction of my husband's brain disease to our 8 yrs old daughter. Powerful considering I filed an order of protection on him only days ago due to manic (quite frightening) aggression. Feels like I'll never forgive myself. Feels good to know I'm not alone and thankful for learning while our child is so young the importance of educating her. Many blessing!
+Dawn Hughes Thank you, Dawn. It makes me happy that my words can reach someone so young. To know that your 8-year-old daughter can hear from someone in her "future shoes" makes me so happy. With your guidance she's got wide open eyes to what going on with her dad. You're a great parent for seeking out the best way to educate her about mental illness and a parent. 9 year old Miguel would love to have met you.
I'm sorry things are frightening and that you had to take the difficult step of using the legal system to keep your brain diseased husband away. It must have sucked to sign that paper and give that instruction to the courts.
I'm sorry about the mature content but it really makes me happy to know that education and the truth are at the forefront of your mind for your child's future. Bless you guys.
This isn't an accident. My husband Just suffered from near death seizures and I'm sitting here debating my role as his symptoms are not addressed as root of the problem and you answered my question. Thank you!
-Golden heart Club
Miguel, I certainly give you credit. You are a hero. The darkest parts of you are what makes you so beautiful to me, as I sit here in awe at your truthfulness and grace. Perhaps I am much older than you, but I reach out to you as your missing sister, or kindred spirit, across the internet.
The mentally healthy grown children of those who lived in delusion often have a passion for truth. I know I do.
My mother is 85, an untreated schizophrenic. I want to see the real her, beneath her illness, before she dies as well.
My father warned me over and over again that I was the main victim of Mom's mental illness, her jealous paranoid negative schizophrenia, when I was a young, but he was unable to provide me with her care information, and medical history before he died, because he suffered a major stroke, which wiped out his ability to speak. I am battling with the broken mental health care system now, to get Mom re-evaluated and treated before she dies in medical neglect.
I am also battling with my older brother's avoidance personality and denial. I am battling with my anger with him, for not stepping up to the plate. He does not have the strong masculine trait of defending the innocent, that my soldier type father had.
Mom always favored my brother. I, the one who loves her so very much, took care of her, saved her life, is considered a demon from hell, one that she would like to send back there sooner, rather than later. She tried to sabotage my joy, my relationships, my success in business, but I am the only one left that really loves her.
My goal is to promote legislation to help the children of a parent with schizophrenia, particularly because these grown children usually become their parent's only caregiver, only hope, often without the guardianship rights to do so. This is because their parent views them as the enemy in their paranoid delusions, not the caregiver, and would do anything, confabulate anything against them, to prevent that from happening.
Then blame them because there's no food in the fridge.
I would recommend to anyone suffering from this disorder with children to sign paperwork in advance to ensure that those who love you are placed in positions to help you as you age.
God bless you all.
+Judy Gubinski Thank you, Judy for seeing the beauty mixed in with the darkness. It's hard to not let the darkness that I spent years bottling up and keeping down take over me some days. You're right, I do value the truth. I'm sorry you're fighting a hard uphill battle against the health care system. I hope you do get to see the human soul under the disease.
thank you so much for posting this. my mother committed suicide and was never even told she was schizophrenic. I sense love underneath your hurt and frustration that's awesome. my mother was so mean and cruel and distant and there wasn't a day that went by that she was not abusing me. it's hard to find where the love was. I question what WAS her and what was the illness. who will ever know right? anyway you're awesome thanks for your hard work putting this together. you ain't alone which means I guess I'm not too
+Peter Michael Herbert You're not alone. It sucks that you're and I was feeling so alone growing up (And lots of times today) but what happened to us is real and it hurt a lot. It's hard to think about the love when I go back in my mind. The good memories are poisoned by the fights by the Christmas tree and the outbursts in public places.
I used to go regularly to my local NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) family support group. A psychologist ran the meeting. He said that you're right. The hardest thing with mental illness is separating the human being from the illness. Mental illness is literally invisible. It's not a bad heart valve, it's not cancerous cells in a certain part of the body it is the brain broken. You can't see that on an MRI or X-Ray.
I truly appreciate you sharing your heart. I can honestly say that depending, seeking, and leaning on Jesus Christ has helped me deal with situations in my life. I don't know where I would be without Him. Love and prayers for you and your family.
thank you Beth Burns. Love and prayers for you and your family as well!
So true
Wow. This is my childhood all the way
Your story really raises more awareness on the reality and hardships some kids have to face relating to mental illness. Personally, I haven't really encountered a person who is schizophrenic, but my dad's mother did have schizophrenia (thankfully, she is now symptom free). I'm a bit surprised by your story because before I found this video, I was writing a novel about a guy whose mom is also schizophrenic. He also has a younger sister, and their dad left them too. I am doing more research about mental illness, specifically schizophrenia so that my novel will seem more realistic. :)
Wow what a coincidence with the story you're writing, Rachel Rose Estrebilla! Hope the writing is going well.
@@hellomiguel_ Thank you!
thank you. thank you so very much
+Kitsu Kotome Thank you for writing to me, Kitsu.
I never saw my mom before she died. And that's OK too. It's your life to live and it needs to be separate and strong in lieu.
Thank you for saying that. It’s very validating. I’m sorry you share a similar story with your own mom.
What I really related to was the fear of developing the disease. That has been a haunting driving force in my life. I'm only now feeling like I'm in the clear for mental illness!@@hellomiguel_
I have two little sisters. Thank you for posting this. I am the oldest. My mom is undiagnosed. Sounds very similar to my story. I haven't pushed her away but I've thought about it so thank you for reminding me not to do that.
I'm happy you found it! It's hard being the eldest.
Love to you and your siblings and mom!
I pretty late at my 36 yrs old sharing my story.. Not just been thru handling my mum with schizophrenic.. My dad even never divorce with her n taking care of her thinks that I'm not normal n had affect by her illness with me being so bad temper!! My mum would either use violence n attack me with a chopper when I was very young , hitting me or threatening me.. My story is long.. I feel I'm so alone..
Thank you, Diana Hoon, for listening to me and for writing. My dad and the rest of the family also thought I was just bad and her illness shouldn't have had any effect on me growing up and learning. I still feel alone today too, a little less so with all the kind words and sharing people have done here in the comments of my video. I hope you feel less alone, even for just today.
I thank u too.. not everybody is brave enough to make a video n post it.. I salute u.. U make me realize I am not alone ..I do understand how u feel because I'm in the same situation... here in Singapore is tougher... I don't think the law here protects me.. when I was a kid my mum did took a huge chopper pointing at my neck but the police didn't do anything not mentioning it was never in the case file..thank u for reply... I too hope u won't feel that lonely today...:-)
Diana Hoon I hope you're feeling good today, Diana. It's hard keeping our stories all bunched up inside all the time.
Highly suggest the NAMI Family to Family program for family members dealing with serious mental illness in a loved one.
Thank you for the suggestion. We went to that in-person over a decade ago. It was good. Helpful. Less good in that my sister and I were the only ones there who were children of a parent with a major mental illness. There were spouses, siblings, parents but no other children. In that way it made us feel even more alone.
@@hellomiguel_ I’m so sorry, that’s something I hadn’t considered. I am the parent of an adult child with Bipolar with psychotic episodes. Your video really hit home for me as I have a grandson who is being raised by her alone. He has been in our care for months at a time while our daughter recovers from episodes of mania psychosis. Watching what it had done to my grandson has been heart wrenching. He has been traumatized by violent outbursts and her delusions. CPS keeps returning him back to her against our wishes. They believe in reunification NO MATTER WHAT. What NAMI helped me with is understanding that she very ill and probably doesn’t realize it. This let me go of some of my anger towards her and perhaps understand that she doesn’t have as much control as I thought. I have gone long periods without speaking to her because of the frustration. It’s hard to be empathetic when there is a child involved who is being affected. I will hover around and make sure my grandson knows that we are there for him. We’ve been his only source of stability his whole life. I can only imagine what it’s been like for you and him to be locked down with a mother who is psychotic. He has become her caregiver and it’s not fair.
Watch a movie called Breathless, 2008 Korean movie. It gets the anger and depression.
I'll go look for it. Hope it's on streaming somewhere. Thank you.
My mum is just like what you've been describing, she has admitted she has voices in her head but says she's part of some network bullshit that invloves everyone. she thinks all my friends are using me because i want to spend more time with them than her. and rn i just live with her, my dad lives and works in another country and my mum always blames him for everything when he is here. my older sister is in university. and no matter what i try and do, she just loses it and lectures me about her hundreds of conspircy therories. and somehow my friends, my dad almost everyone i know and like are 'against' her. and everything circles around her
Your words could be coming out of my mouth. I have the exact same story. So I'm sorry. I know how hard that is.
My mom used the word agenda a lot. The government agenda this. Dad had some agenda that. That man over there has an agenda out against her.
I felt so alone and I didn't wanna do anything that would make me a part of whatever agenda was out there, you know? I wanted to be on Mom's side.
I'm sorry it's just you two living together. I know what that's like. It's hard, I'm sorry.
@@hellomiguel_ It's horrifying in a sense i made that comment two years ago.
Today I live with my dad and my older sister, and I haven't seen my mom in roughly half a year I think, and the last time I saw her she popped up out of nowhere at my school trying to warn me about god know what and honestly made such a scene and was very rude to my teachers who didn't know what to do. And seeing her again really tore me down it just reminded me of a lot, that I in way blocked out, when I was living with just her at first I wanted to believe her with everything and I let her string me along until it became too much, and something had to be done.
It's really difficult nowadays to think about her, because we cannot legally force her to go on medication or seek professional help, and of course she refuses and claims she doesn't need any. And especially specially now, with the virus, I honestly don't know how she's coping, however I believe my father hears from her from time to time usually asking for money, and I think she's alright. However my sister doesn't ever want to hear about her and I don't think any of us do, it's really heartbreaking, when I do think about her and the potential idea I may never see her again when she's sane.
Lily q, I've had a similar incident where my mom just popped up out of nowhere and started saying stuff and it was hard and scary.
I'm sorry it also happened to you recently. The surprise is the hardest part about it. It happened to me maybe nine years ago now? My memory's not great with remembering when these painful things happened. They all blur together a bit. I think that's normal with trauma, my therapist said.
I'm working in therapy to get strong and get to a place where I'm ready to see her. I'm working on being understanding that seeing my mom sane again isn't in the cards but part of me just wants to be in the same space as her, her body, even if her mind the mind of my mother isn't really in there anymore, you know? Therapy super super helps.
brave and coherent! You are doing the hard work of resolving deep pain and anger rooted in years of living in shame and terror. You have achieved a lot already and be confident that with your awareness and understanding you will create the family that you deserve. BTW, you have a great voice and can for sure make a great career out of it. I would love to see you become a mental health therapist too.
I am preparing a seminar titled "When Parents are hurting: Understanding the child's perspective. Your insight would be great to share with my class. Is there a write up I can use? The video is good but I may not have time to have them listen to it in its entirety. I usually have the class send a reading response and so it would be more effective as a write up.
+Vivette Cation Thank you so much Vivette. It's hard around the holidays because mom would have angry violent outbursts around the Christmas tree and as a result it's hard for me to enjoy them. I would love to devote my time and energies to a voice acting career and talking to children about mental health that would make every day a joy.
The full write-up of the text can be found here: Growing up with a schizophrenic mother - My 25th Year: InsideOut
The seminar you're preparing sounds like something I wish 13 year old Miguel could've been put in front of. Thank you for writing to me.
+Vivette Catipon Link to text is here: changeslowly.blogspot.com/2014/01/growing-up-with-schizophrenic-mother-my.html
+Vivette Cation Please let me know how the seminar goes! What audience is it for? Mental health students?
You have no idea how goid this video and point of view is, I hope you turn it into book.
I would also encourage those youths who have a parent with mental illness to check out the section dedicated for children and youths pf the COPMI Australia website: www.copmi.net.au/kids-young-people
I wish Little Miguel had this website fifteen years ago to read over and over again. Thank you
Hi, welcome. Maybe you can still talk to Little Miguel to give him the messages he would have needed/liked to hear;-)
Hi Miguel Manado. I'm sad for what you how you had to survive. But, thank God you had school to go to. Nowadays shoolchildren are so mean. I hope you were not one of the meanies. My guess was that you weren't a meanie. I toook care of my younger sisters and brothers. I'm looking for information about the sympoms of schizophrenia.
Thank you for writing to me, Loretta. I was not one of the meanies. I'm sure I had mean moments though. As for where to go on finding info on the symptoms of schizophrenia here's NAMI's (National Alliance on Mental Illness) page about it: www.nami.org/Videos/Tell-Me-About-Schizophrenia
Just curious - did you end up removing the restraining order? Did you see your mom?
No, I haven't seen her in a long time.
I just found out this video. For Miguel and others daughters and sons of a parent with schizophrenia or another mental illness, I created some years ago a Facebook information and peer support group for daughters and sons of parents with mental illness. You are welcome to join (although I don't always accepted members the same day): facebook.com/groups/95113476577/
+Christophe Bedeaux Wow!! thank you for sharing this. I just requested to join. I really need the support right now.
Welcome Miguel, I hope it will help you finding the support you need, and I will be happy if it helps you. Don't hesitate to present yourself and/or ask for support. Good luck and courage whatever difficulties you have to face/deal with.
This is a very informative video, thanks for sharing. I have schizophrenia and my entire life I have felt I shouldn't have children because my genes are flawed. I have met a guy who has been making me think of actually considering children though. Do you believe that schizophrenics should reproduce?
+wobina I think what this guy you're dating says is the right way to be thinking about it. It's down to each person. I believe all people should think and decide for themselves whether to have children or not. I'm happy you found my video informative.
Sorry we are in the Mom has Schizophrenic Group 🌼
Oh I'd love to be a part of such a group. Whats the link?