How I Got Off Benzos And Healed My Brain
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
- My links: heylink.me/Ama...
How I finally got off benzos and how I healed my brain from the experience. Huge mushroom forage and video montage for you. 100th video celebration!
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RESEARCH
Pharmacology of amanita muscaria:
www.researchga...
Here's some research on Alzheimers and benzo use:
www.health.har...
As a father that is some heartfelt shit about missing stages of your childrens lives.. I have deep empathy for you as I have experienced the same...
One of the most painful things. Thank you ❤️
I keep sharing this video to people l have met in the benzo world. 201 years prescribed high dose of my benzo 100mg. Ctd other prescribed medication. Hoping good karma's going to help me get off my last 10mg . Interdose and extremely bad like at a standstill. I am using Amanita at night. Others now know abiout it too.
Been suffering from autism, anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and nothing has really changed. This really gives me hope. I sincerely thank you. ❤
I wish you much healing ❤️🩹
@@AmanitaDreamer You have a powerful story. I wish you the same.
I just saw you on Robert’s video and I can not thank you enough for uploading this vid because I’m 8 months out cold turkey benzo withdrawal and had a terrible wave yesterday. I was prescribed clonopin/opioids after a car crash and 2 subsequent c-spine surgeries and only those of us who have been through this can understand us. It’s hell, and that’s a real insult to hell. God bless. You’re doing God’s work and helping ppl like me survive.
Dd u try amanita?
@@morningwithgracie7870 thats what im asking too. im 1 year in pure hell, CT all day in bed acute symptoms i dont have energy now to write...
It saved my life. Stopped my aka in its tracks
@@hadarshimon how are you doing now? I pray you found relief!
@@hadarshimonwhat is CT ?
Babe can I just say that 1) I can't relate to panic attacks but I do suffer dibilitating social phobia....not anxiety but officially and by 3 no now 4 Dr.'s been diagnosed as phobic. I to was actually prescribed my 1st benzo at age 15 bcuz I was hiding in the bathroom stalls. To afraid of sitting in a classroom full of teenagers, my peers😢 I got 0.5 mg Xanax a day and eventually up to 3 a day. The most I've ever been prescribed is 3mg of clonazepam a day! They shouldn't even make 3mg tablets let alone prescribe 3 of them at a time!!!! Benzo withdrawal is hell at ANY DOSE but it definitely gets progressively worse the higher the dose. Who ever prescribed you that much was either evil or ignorant. I'm so glad I found your channel... I've always known there was a reason amanita has enticed me and called to my soul or my roots perhaps. Thank you so much for sharing you don't know how much this has helped me. I will forever be grateful for your courage without it my life would have been put further on hold. Bless you and yours sister!
Awe, bless your soul, it is all so unnecessary and painful. I deepest wish is that this time in our history comes to an end soon. I hope more people can learn how to avoid ever getting this far gone that they need this level of drug.
Amanita Muscaria also helped me with stimulant withdrawal and side affects. A lot of the Anxiety was taken away
Just watching this with my wife, and holy shit do we feel for you when you describe coming off benzos.
Its a very sobering account of what these chemicals can do to us which I think more people need to see.
Indeed. I know my case is bad but so many are struggling like this. Ugh. I would still have taken them but I think I would have worked to get off them much sooner if I had known.
@@AmanitaDreamer did u feel brain empty soul empty no feel any part of body in uur withdrawal ple ans I m 412 dayys sober now
@@sangeetalambh6389❤
@@AmanitaDreamerBullshit
@@AmanitaDreamer we couldnt know🥺 no body told us, especially not the doctor😥
Girl, I thank you every single day. I'm off all 7 meds and no longer addicted to Adderall and Klonopin. By the way, I HAVE FOUR BABY KITTIES THAT WERE BORN LAST NIGHT AND ONE HAS A BOB TAIL 💕💕💕
Hey can you message me on Instagram? I would like to talk to you about quoting you in my book.
im on 2 med very high dose ...today i felt my right brain numb .....any tips please im going through a lot
@@AmanitaDreamer I wish I had seen this earlier. I'm not on Instagram. You can use anything you want❤️
@@barbarajones859 my advice is microdosed amanita muscaria
@@Lisa-xf5ufdo you use tinctures?
Tears of joy came to me several times during the video, especially when it came to meeting the mushroom.. I knew the little red and white one would be the turning point.. what a joy! Thanks for your heart-warming and honest sharing you beautiful lady!
Oh 🥺 Thank you for showing up and staying!
@@AmanitaDreamer did u feel Hollow head Hollow body no body weight no feel any organ of body in ur withdrawal frd ple ans I m 412. days sober now
@@sangeetalambh6389 u can look up ~ breathing techniques~ many on youtube to help with anxiety,
also, Eckhart Tolle has many talks on anxiety,
god bless u, im 400 something days off alcohol (i drank to dial down anxiety) & my best friend is battling problems & side effects from Klonopin.
🙏🏼🔑💥🔓🌱🐾👣🌿🕊️
I heard of someone that ate a fairly big one and fell into a deep sleep and felt very relaxed ...?
I'm about 3yrs late, but I don't think it aatters.. thank you for making this, I can tell it wasn't easy. I'm addicted to benzos, I'm almost completely alone, I can hardly leave my bed most days, and I think about s****de almost constantly. I won't last much longer.. Although I doubt I'll ever try amanita, I'm grateful to have seen this video. It does bring a small amount of peace knowing others have suffered as I am. You've got a kind heart, and I hope in the time since this video was made, things have only gotten better for you. Thanks again, beautiful human
Well amanita works miracles. I don’t think it’s ever too late.
i encourage you to reconsider and keep on fighting.❤
I was on 2,5 mg per day of Lorazepam for 2 years and It Took me 14 weeks to be free of benzodiazepines. I used Valium to taper with an initial dose of 20mg reducing 1.5mg of diazepam per week. Now I’m on my 3rd week free of this drug and the only side effects I’m experiencing at the moment are bit of insomnia (not every night) and my brain still bit foggy… but much, much, much better that when I was on the medication. Good luck to everyone suffering from benzo withdrawal. Stay strong. There’s always a way out.
What an incredible story, I'm so happy I found you. Thank you so much for sharing and taking time to make a channel like this. before you I did not know those adorable Mario mushrooms were anything more than that. People like you are vital in making these kinds of medicine a reality for those that need them.
A powerful confession! But what a magical story and trip to get here.
This is the most powerful account. This is real to the core. Beautiful❤
Thank you 🥺
I never felt so identified with someone who lives in the horror of the benzo ... I thank you and I am experiencing thanks to your channel, I am from Chile and here where I live I can collect amanita ... a big hug and continue with your work enlighten people
saludos desde Chile!!!
Hey Andre!!!!
Hola Andres, espero que estes bien, tu pudiste dejar alguna benzodiacepina? yo llevo 1 año desde que me recetaron clonazepam, ahora estoy en 0.6mg quisiera saber tu experiencia, ya que la mayoria de la info que encuentro es en ingles o en portugues... gracias de antemano
@@marcelaferrin1514 te agregué a Facebook....✌, saludos!!
@@marcelaferrin1514 hola marce soy sergio de mexico tomaste amanita para tu dependencia a las benzodiasapinas? si si me puedes contar tu experiancia , estoy a punto de tomat amaniata mascaria
I think you’re referring to the Ashton manual, right? I’m crying. I’ve been on this shit for 22 years - as prescribed. I guess what happens is “emotional blunting”. I actually thought I was “normal” while I was taking it.
Doctor never told me anything about the research until I went in and said I was having trouble sleeping even on all the klon I was taking. Been trying to get off since Nov 2018, I still have a little over 1mg to go. The anxiety is awful, the withdrawal is debilitating... dr doesn’t believe there is withdrawal - it’s all in my head, I’m exaggerating, etc... I’ve already lost a year of my life in horrible withdrawals. This is what my life revolves around now. :( I’m only half way through your video. I’ll be back.
Dd u take amanita muscaria?are u off with benzo?
GRACE GEMINO Not yet. I have been follow these videos for the last 2 weeks and they’ve given me hope! I think I’m going to try. I want my life back!
@@ginabee the doc doesn't think there is a WD process? You need a different Dr. Seriously, from having gone through very similar (10yrs diazepam, lorazepam and intermittent Clonazepam, Ttl 120mg Per Day =Diazepam).
There's WD, and also PAWS, this doc if not acknowledging that is tbh a liability to your well-being. It sounds you know well what's what, but how's it goin with such a, I've got to be honest, dangerously ignorant 'professional'? Massive congrats on getting down so low! That last bit is a hmm. But it's doable with your mindset you can definitely do so.
Henbane Hedgewytch I’m nervous before every drop, but I’m pushing through. Obviously this doctor hasn’t been online. He’s the one who put me on klonopin 22 years ago. 🙄. I suspect I’ll leave as soon as I don’t need the prescription anymore. I’ve briefed my general doctor so he will hopefully prescribe if I lose the psych. Yeah, he swears he’s gotten dozens of people off klonopin and I’m the only one who’s had symptoms beyond a little uncomfortable. I don’t believe that. I’ve had odd uncontrollable leg movements for over a year now, since he cut my dose by 30%. I fear they’ll never go away. I’ve seen a neurologist, and she says it’s not tardive dyskinesia and is most likely solely from benzodiazepine withdrawal. I have a hard time believing everything is psychosomatic like the psychiatrist says - because I was under the impression there would be no effects when I began and dropped that first dose. I was completely unprepared for what happened, so it wasn’t my “expectation” that triggered fever, depersonalization, derealization, paranoia, hallucinations, uncontrollable leg movements, cognitive impairment, insomnia, and more! Ffs, I was so angry when I went online and read what had happened to me and why. I’m doing much better now, going slowly, but I just want to be off this shit. I don’t want to deal with PAWS though, so I feel pretty trapped. Plus, now the general doc’s practice has decided to drug test me - which really pisses me off. I don’t want to deal with doctors anymore. Ditch the antidepressant and klonopin for good. I’d rather do what Amanita Dreamer did and re-find myself mentally and spiritually.
Any tapering advice is welcome. I’m unsure I can just stop at 1 mg to go and substitute a.m.
@@ginabee pls give us update gina. Where we could get safe amanita muscaria..
You are an absolutely amazing sorry teller.
You are an amazing woman!!! Thank you, if no one has told you lately❤
Wow, thank you! 🙏
Been taking benzos everyday for 9 years. Wonderful.
That’s awesome that it’s helping you. Panic and anxiety are hell.
@@AmanitaDreamer yes
I’ve been taking it for 15 yrs, I was diagnosed with panic disorder and sever anxiety, this gives me a bit of hope, I want to get off of them …thank you for this video !
Thank you for sharing, this is so helpful,
You are so welcome!
You are AMAZING! You went through so much. I thank to God that I have never been addicted to any other substance than nicotine. Even though that addiction have been broken with psilocybin. Another magnificent mushrooms.
@B. Ph. If you look deeply, you will notice that we, human beings, are ALWAYS addicted to something.
We substitute one addiction to another addiction. We can't get out of it. The question is which addiction to which we are addicted to is the most dangerous and life threatening and at which level.
Michael Rivadavia There’s a difference between a mental and emotional addiction and a physical one. I don’t have an addictive personality and don’t seem to obsess much. I like reality and being engaged in life and things around me. I got on benzos because of life debilitating panic and I trusted my doctor. My body had adapted to them and the physical withdrawals were hell.
@@AmanitaDreamer I tell people "I was physically addicted to Klonopin for seventeen years"...NOT "Mentally Addicted". I'm now seventeen months post all RX drugs including Klonopin after an initial grueling thirteen month taper. This is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life. Anyone who comes out of this thing on the other side is a FKN warrior make no mistake about it. In closing I sincerely hope they make mushrooms legal in CA within the next year or two...one can only hope.😁👊
Dreamer: Firstly Thanks! My best friend & my brother in law have been dealing with depression for years. Both are still on benzos and your testimonial may well help them at some point, as I’m learning so much from you. When the time is right, I’m going to introduce them to your website to see if I can plant a little seed to get them back on the road if life. I may not know you personally, but that doesn’t matter. I respect you so much for what you’re doing for people. Many many thanks, ma-dear;)
Can't tell you how much this video, your realness, honesty and sharing your suffering has come like that mushroom at the perfect time for me. Deep reverence for you, brave soul.
🥺 Thank you 🙏
I have been on high dose Xanax for 25 years. My doctor wants me to taper off and the horror and hell you describe is so very real. This is truly my final beacon of hope. All I can do is try or die. Thank you, so much.
I hope you find healing soon. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.
Thank you so much for this and all that you do! Someone close to me has a very parallel story and I think this just may be a path to recovery for them as well. I have ordered your book and will be deep diving more of your work. Thank you!
Oh my God! What a beautiful story. Thanks for existing, your channel is amazing.
I've been feeling like crap for years and I started microdosing some weeks ago and I feel more calm and motivated. Now I can do things that my anxiety did't allow me to do. It looks like it's working, but you know, only time will tell.
Greetings from Spain! LOVE U 🍄
Eloy are u also in benzo before? And you took amanita muscaria today? And it helped u? What dosage or amouny dd you drink in tea?
@@stewartbailey181 I ordered them on eBay, so it can be everything except a trusted source xD
@@morningwithgracie7870
- I haven't tried benzos.
- I have been taking Amanita daily since January 18, but not today. I'm gonna be 3 or 4 days without it, just to see if I have some kind of short-therm tolerance.
- Yes, all my anxiety is simply gone. Now I overthink stupid things less and I have more will power, but I'm also doing the Wim Hof Method, so I don't know if all the benefits are from the Amanita exclusively.
- I started taking a really tiny dose: 0'1 grams of dried crushed Amanita in hot water with lemon juice. I have been increasing the dose until 0'5 grams, with the same method - this strange tea, sometimes taking more than one dose a day, but I think one is more than enough. I have also eaten 0'3 grams of the mushroom, or done with a bit of orange juice (that doesn't seem to covert much ibotenic acid into muscimol) and gives me a really stimulating and motivating effect. I know Amanita Dreamer doesn't like ibotenic acid much, but it works for me. I have to keep trying different methods to see what is the best way for me. I advise you to do the same, everybody reacts in a different way.
@@eloyconejero8368 can u name the seller at ebay? And where place the AM came from? From US?
@@morningwithgracie7870 Something like forest_goodies
Omg i relate to all of this so much. I've always had bad anxiety it started when I was 5. It got to the point where i lost my kids and it took 2 years to get them back but i finally got off benzos and been off almost 6yrs now but i don't feel like dealing with my anxiety has gotten any better it's gotten a lot worse and I feel like a terrible mom because I couldn't be the mom my kids needed while taking them and now that I'm not taking them I try really hard to be better but I'm struggling mentally and I feel like I'm not the mom i want to be or the mom they need me to be and it hurts cuz I've worked so hard to change. I lost my mom, dad and sister all within a short period of time and that has been extremely hard. Losing my sister was devastating because that was my best friend. I feel like my oldest daughter is disappointed in me and it kills me that she feels like she has to worry about me and feels bad for me. I feel like benzos have destroyed my brain and I can't focus or keep track of anything and it's extremely frustrating and it doesn't help that everyone around me gets really frustrated because of all of this and my fiance talks down to me like I'm a child because I constantly lose and forget things. It also makes my job kinda difficult because I will be trying to multitask and take orders and I forget things seconds after being told something and I feel like people think im incompetent or stupid because of that and when u work in food service people already aren't very nice or understanding about even little things. Because of all of these things I feel like everything i have worked for is going down the drain because of my mental health issues and because of the damage benzos have done. It's really hard to pull my life together when I am struggling so bad internally. I feel worse when I think about how great I was doing at first and how bad things are now.
There is a limit to what Benzos can do and it’s important to rely on yourself to Eliminate” your long term anxiety and panic attacks.
Dr. Claire Weekes has several books, one of them is Pass through Panic. She has helped 100,000s of people and promises you that you can succeed also if you follow her protocol.
The procedure is:
face the fear, don’t run away for as long as it takes
Accept and submit to the fear as best you can
Float or coast with it and let time pass, don’t sit there anticipating when it will end.
It will end as they always do and the energy expends itself.
The woman was a pioneer in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and I with 1000s along with her assure you you can do it!
Thank you for sharing this important story. I'm getting off benzo / opioid / tobacco ... Already took mushrooms or lsd in the past in a recreative way with friends or alone, but this time I have a purpose. And watching your'e video makes me even more confident in my ability to get fully sober. Meditation and physical activities are also keys to stop, again thank you so much for sharing your'e experience. You have a wonderful soul
I recently got into your channel because of my goals and intentions with mushrooms. You are so strong, and you are such an impressive person for being able to open up and tell your story. Thank you for preaching safe practices and the real side of mushrooms. Also good touch on lions mane and cordyceps, I also like chaga and reishi and I've had very good mood changes with using all 4 in a blend.
Wow, thank you! Such an affirming comment to see this morning 😊
Thank you for sharing your story. Your wonderful person with so much love to give. We need that in this world, especially the last several years. Strange.. I just came across your video and I'm currently trying to get off of Clonazepam. I've been on it since 1996 and everything you described I'm currently going through. I'm having a difficult time but this shall pass I keep telling myself. Watching your videos has been a source of hope and inspiration for me as of late and I appreciate all you do. Take care
Y'all, I found this video on the edge of suicide. Unbelievable suffering and torture. IT HEALED ME almost instantly. Do not give up
Message me on Instagram?
What did you take. I need help
@@Mdibastiano amanita muscaria
Did you take the tincture or make your own with dried AM?
@@matt_staton I tried to go the tea route and I recommend that way because amanita dreamer does but I was so cognitively impaired that I couldn't follow directions. I used the tincture.
This is a miracle story ❤🙏😊
It feels like it honestly. 😌
Best story till now, best so far
I just saw your testimony and can relate to everything you just talked about. EVERYTHING! The small difference is that I was prescribed gabapentim and now am on the highest dose and just prescribed hydroxiazine on top of it. I have been trying to get off the gabapentin for years and have no desire to add another medication. I just ordered 1 Oz of this and hope to start healing with micro dosing with trust and love. I truly am looking forward to starting a new journey because I just can't live like this forever it's torment. Very glad my husband introduced me to your channel as a possible solution with some light at the end of the tunnel.
How are u
This is SO POWERFUL!!! God I'm nervous for you.... I'm glad I started at this video.... This was 4 years ago and I'm PRAYING you've gotten better and your brain functioning better again.... Because I have the SAME problems with the short term memory... I was on them for over 10 years!! 6 mgs of Xanax a day.... And Ativan and Klonopin in between at times...
Thank you! You saved my life.
Well those are some strong words. But if the amanita did I am not surprised and I am so happy. People like you are why I was motivated and pushed to do this and why I do it every day.
Dd u take amanita?
POWERFUL VIDEO. This started my journey and turned darkness to eternal light
🥰
Unconditional love ! Divine knowledge and medicine !!
rewatched this again. You being out there every day, maybe this BEING instead of doing, become MORE PRESENT, and then also the LETTING GO of all, I think it is very liberating, it opens you up and silence and solitude can really really recharge you, although it is not easy to go through.
Oh good lord Amanita.... They are rough.... Never heard of them being used for detox purposes
Thank you and I’m so glad you overcame it 💚
Hi Sarah! Thank you for all your comments. I really hope you move forward with ease.
I'm 33 and just got diagnosed as having pre-dementia (MCI) and potentially early onset dementia due to benzo use. The withdrawal was horrific and I've never slept/been the same since. 5 years out after withdrawal I'm now getting terrifying cognitive decline symptoms and this is despite living a healthy lifestyle - these drugs are MONSTROUS and have now just robbed me entirely of any type of real life :(
I have videos on supplements and recovery on my website AmanitaDreamer.net.
@@AmanitaDreamer thank you! I’m really hoping to get my life back - quite suicidal at the moment so any help would be great
Is lorazepam another name is ativan ,in the same class of drugs ?
@@cherylschumaker1366yes
Man here I am feeling like I'm holding the world's pain on my shoulders all by myself.
When meanwhile this lady has holding up the whole stack from the ground up.
Thank Goodness we found the Mushroom again!
🥺 I have no words to describe how glad I am also. It is time for the humans and the mushroom to hang out again.
@@AmanitaDreamer hangout and get to work.
This is more than beatiful and beyond helping! Your bravery to survive all those hells and the courage to open up to others makes you help healing all the misleaded and misstreated souls out the there!💚🙏💚i hope you feel the releaf that your message holds yourself too! Mushrooms are Messengers and your a very precious ambassador! 🕊big, soft hug for you!
I am very moved by your honesty and courage to create a channel and share your story. I recently found out about Amarita while researching other mushrooms and would like to think it is not coincidence. My daughter has a story much like yours. She is 28. Her and I were very close when she was young and in recent yrs I have been trying very hard to rebuild what we once had. She has experienced very bad mental states from life in general and side effects of the many pharmaceuticals she has been given. After the research and videos I have watched on Amarita and knowing who I believe she truly still is underneath it all I am wanting to share this with her. I would like to create the right conditions, under supervision, and believe it would help her. Thank you for your story.
Bless her soul. Start small and work your way up.
i can't even watch this. i went through something similar after a near death experience. props to your recovery, seriously. when you said "highest dose of the strongest benzo they had"...they did the EXACT same thing to me while I was hiding and screaming in the corner of an ER behind a gurney ...initially I rejected it because I knew the withdrawal would be terrible but did it anyway because I was out of options. "western medicine options". coming off of them was immeasurably painful, but i did it. but i'll never forget the feeling of my skin being ripped off my own body and my eyes popping out of my head. f benzos...and f our western medicine culture that doesn't understand that we are HUMANS...ANIMALS...compassion and time. but the US has no time for being unproductive. end /s. I've recovered fully after 3 years of self care and psychedelics...but it took everything I had. sending my positive energy towards your trauma.
Wow I am just now seeing this comment. Once a month YT dumps a bunch of comments on me that were previously hidden. I hate that there are so many stories like yours, like mine. It’s gross and I have to hear about them, a lot. I really do hope that this class of medication is next on the chopping block and string of lawsuits. I am happy for you that you made your way out. So many didn’t.
Did you micro dose psilocybin? Did you amanita muscaria?
You’re a beautiful person inside and out! I have anxiety too, all the time, sometimes I don’t even know what’s worrying me lol. Guess that’s generalized anxiety? Idk. But stay strong keep going look like ur doing great. It’s crazy how the Benzos made you slower and not as intelligent when ur such a bright person. Garbage ‘medicine’
Your stories such an in spiriting testimony ♾❤️🐛🦋🍄🍄🍄
Glad you think so! It was hard to record and I hope it helps people.
Thank you so much. POWERFUL testimony. Pertinent information.
Amanita Dreamer
There were parts of your story that made me laugh thinking about how I do and think the same shit at times.
I have never had the panic attacks, but the depression and anxiety really raise hell with me.
When the anxiety goes through the roof for whatever reason I don't know, my body will shut down. I go completely non functional.
One day I was out working in the yard and it was either late spring or early fall, I don't remember now. What I do remember is it was cold and there was ice on the rain water tank.
I needed to wash my hands and didn't want to go into the house to do it, so I decided to break the ice and rinse them in the water tank full of ice cold water.
Ice cold water is extremely painful for me to put my hand or feet in and I am not even able to ice when I have pain.
I broke the ice and plunged my hands into the ice cold water willing to deal with the pain and I noticed my hands felt warm in the water. I could feel heat coming off them. After drying my hands I wondered what was so different that my hands didn't hurt or feel cold. I realized my anxiety was about non existent at that time. I thought WOW, this is amazing.
I would say about a year later I was out in the yard working as I typically am during the non winter months here in Northwest Minnesota.
I suddenly felt a very familiar sensation inside and outside of my body. This sensation was all to familiar. I felt like I was shivering and freezing to death both inside and out and it was not cold out as it was the middle of the summer at that time.
I started to think about where I had felt this sensation before because it was just to damn familiar.
As I thought about it I realized this was the same thing I felt all my growing years as a child. In my adult years the sensation had changed some but was still there when the anxiety was elevated real high.
I realize at that point I had been suffering with anxiety all my life.
I think about it now and when it must have started and I would have to believe it started at the time my dad died but I could have started before that based on what I remember from my childhood. I was only 1 year and 10 months old when he died and the only thing I ever remembered about him was seeing his face when he was in the coffin but I never knew who this face in my head was till I was about 16 years old and had seen a picture of my dad for the very first time in my life. After seeing that picture........ this part is hard and making me want to cry............The memory of his face began to fade and eventually I could not remember or see his face in my head again, even to this day, I can't remember what my dad looked like and I don't have that picture of him.
All my life I have lived with anxiety and didn't even know it till after my first divorce when I had the nervous breakdown.
During the year married to my second wife the narcissist I nearly took my own life.
I was only a second away from taking my life when the Lord delivered me by reminding me of something I swore many years earlier.
The crazy part of my life is I can remember things from when I was just months old and the hell I went through all my life, all alone with no one to turn to.
I used to hide in anything I could fit into and stay there for hours some times. This must have been my way of coping with the anxiety back when I was very young. The fucked up part is no one every wondered where I was or ever looked for me and when I would come out of hiding it was as if I was never gone.
The most twisted part of my memories is I see them from a third person perspective. In my memories I am watching myself live things out as if it is happening in that very moment. I am seeing myself from a birds-eye perspective.
I think about that time when I was able to put my hands in the ice cold water and was pain free and anxiety free and would love to have that every day of my life.
I am hoping I can get my shit together long enough this year to get out and look for some amanita mushrooms because I truly need to heal.
I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings to go to work and even on the weekends I just want to stay in bed but I can't because I start hurting and the same revolving thoughts from that night begin again.
Nearly every night something will get in my head and go round and round on the same damn thoughts over and over again and I can't sleep.
Every day I go to work and have to put on the mask and act like everything is okay.
Many times I just want to ask people who greet me with how you doing, with what the hell do you care how I am doing? You are not in my life.
The only saving grace I have in the summer is being able to get on my motorcycle and ride.
When I ride everything goes away. It is just me, the sound of the bike and God. Nothing else exist when I ride. Unfortunately I have to go back home at some point and there I am again. I return home to an empty home with only me there.
Every night I come home from work and there I am, I come home to me.
Seven years ago the very summer after my divorce from the narcissist I had to put my dog down because he was failing in every way and that was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I have had to put down other animals in my life but this time was devastating. To this day it is still very hard thinking about him.
No matter how bad a day I was having or how mad I was at him for something or if I hurt him trying to help him stand up so he could go out to the bathroom he was always right there for me the moment I got home. He would come and comfort me when I was crying or just having a hard time. He was the only person or animal who every really showed me compassion or love my entire life and I knew I couldn't let someone else or a vet put him down for me.
I tried having a cat a few years ago and brought home a young stray but with my anxiety I just couldn't keep him. He would do things that seemed intentional just to piss me off and so I had to find him a real good home where he could be cared for properly.
When I was 5 years old (1970) I had pneumonia in both lungs and learned years later that children that age back then did NOT survive this. I don't remember going into the hospital or leaving the hospital but I remember being in the hospital with tubes in me under a plastic tent over the bed.
Two years ago I went over to visit my younger daughter and her husband but they were not going to be up to the cabin till late so I had to stop at the gate and walk in to get the hidden key and back to the car again.
They have cameras for security at the cabin, now their full time home and had the cameras at that time when I was there.
My daughter was looking through the footage of the cameras the day after I got there and asked me, dad, why are you not in any of the footage?
I made multiple trips from the car to the house and back when I got there as well as my walk in to get the key for the gate and back again.
She said your car is in the footage but I have no footage of you.
I told here to look at the footage of the car I should be in the car. She said no your not, your windows are tinted. I don't have tinted windows on my car. She asked again why there was no footage of me. The only thing come to mind was I told her I was not in any footage because I don't exist.
I don't know what happened when I was 5 but like I said I don't remember going to the hospital or leaving the hospital and all my life I could go away and no one every missed me or acted like I was gone or ever came looking for me or asked if anyone knew where I was. It was always as if I never left when I did return, and some times it was months or years between.
I take two weeks off from work some times and coworkers I interact with every day would tell me they did not know I was even gone when I would tell them I was out for two weeks and that was the reason I was not able to get done what then needed me to do.
I honestly don't know who I truly am anymore or if I am really here.
Am I caught up in some realm living a life I am imagining along side people who are unaware of my presence? I really don't know anymore.
Did I die at 5 years old with the pneumonia and don't realize I died?
Is this why people never miss me or realize I was ever gone when I just up and go away?
It makes me wonder, ever since my visit to my daughters and not showing up on her cameras. But my car was there.
Sorry for such a long post. Was not my intent.
Thank you for sharing with so much honesty. I think many people here will see much of themselves in it.
I feel you there. There've been countless moments in my life where people didn't notice me when I was right next to them or never knew I had left. Perhaps when we're so withdrawn from ourselves it's hard for people to feel our presence. I have some ideas as to why I've always been withdrawn including various forms of trauma and abuse and feeling incredibly different due to being autistic, but it seems like it's always been that way as far I remember. Though, it has gotten better over the years as I've started to find myself and resolve past trauma. I think of it as everyone having their own unique song that's always playing, but not able to be heard when we're withdrawn. You are there, you do exist, your song is playing. I hope you are able to hear it one day.
Hi Amanita dreamer, im few minutes in into your video describing your memory loss and the struggles and realized that you are describing my struggles and my life , never took Benzos, or any other thing , i always thought my brain was damaged from mercury from tooth fillings when i was a child in the 70's and my pineal gland was damaged, i have been trying to recover my brain it's a bit better since 2004 i realized society is trying to poison us so started to be mindful of what I ate . I'm midrodosing AM the last month so I can't wait to keep improving, i keep listening to the video. Love 🥰
Jordan Peterson was talking about his personal he’ll coming off benzodiazepines. It might of helped him if he knew about mushrooms.
I heard he was put in an induced coma but he was also sick and think it was in russia
Thank you so much for sharing
Awe, I wish you so much peace with it.
Inspirational, thank you for sharing your story 🙏🏽 🌸
I got goosebumps listening to your story. Thanks for sharing ! :)
You are a very great Soul, that is why you gave yourself such a hard task to overcome.
And you did it.
Look at you now!
You have not lost anything.
You have gained an immense strength.
Makes my life look like an walk in the park.
I would have taken the easy way out, for less than half of what you been through.
thank you Amanita Dreamer 💌🌱🐾👣🌿🕊️💟
🥰
Wow. Youre amazing. Thank you so much for sharing
You have such a sweet soul
Just walk in the woods, I definitely started doing it now, almost every day, and you don't do anything, you just ARE, watch, hear, smell, it all comes down to your senses. You stop the doing, you observe and breathe. And it wipes your system clean, every time you to the woods.
Would love to live near the woods on the back yard with kittens. Hope they don't get fleas or ticks while having walks since it's a pain. Glad to find your channel and Thank you for sharing your story! Your beautiful!
Thank you for sharing your story, I have been on Klonopin for 17 years give or take, I am numb to most feelings, except pain and depression. No joy or happiness, I am so tired
Mary... I'm praying that you've been able to find some help?
@@davestelling thank you. I am still the same, I am not strong enough to try and go through the pain of tapering off.
@@kaykay0038
Mary, I know you've heard the expression before that "If I can do it, so can you?"
I struggled w/ large prescribed doses of these benzodiazepines for decades. Decades. And, a severe, debilitating anxiety/panic disorder. I finally found a physician who understood, and I've been free now for going on 2 years and would never, ever consider going back. There's simply no need to.
If you'd like to message me, I'd be happy to give you my email and perhaps share some useful information with you.
I only happened to see your comment here and it brings me much distress, as...I'm so familiar with what you've been dealing with. I want you to know that there IS hope, and a very bright future for you minus these incredibly harmful medicaments.
Best wishes to you...
@@kaykay0038 I'm now 24 months post Klonopin WD after seventeen years of use. In my personal opinion the only way off for many including myself was a willingness to "Die" if that's what it ultimately took to get off these class of drugs!
I fell ill in 2010 not knowing at the time it was both the Klonopin and host of other drugs that were making me sick. My quality of like was so shi** that I really had nothing to lose when it came time to both taper and jump. With the aforementioned being said it's really difficult to do without the proper support system(s) etc......especially now! Good luck to both yourself and the millions of others suffering in silence. July 11th is Benzo Awareness Day.👊
@@davestelling thank you, yes email me. maryklockhart35@gmail.com
Your story is so unbelievable it's got to be true!
If you only knew how many others like me there are.
I can relate to so much you have just said, and struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal etc thoughts since i was little, i got off everything at 8 and spent years clean during which time i was diagnosed with asperges, then at sixteen (now almost 26) i went full time on again due to panic attacks but since then ive had a continuous and worsening loss of memory and mental capabilities, energy strength among other things and general quality of life... i will be following intently and learning untill i feel confident to try this myself! After every man made failure i cant ignore the possibility’s this opens for me. Thank you so much for sharing your story and experience! Even if it doesnt help me personally its clear how much this can do for some.
Again thank you, i Realy appreciate your time and effort!!!!
I really do hope you find the healing you so deserve! ❤️
@@AmanitaDreamer thank you so much for your time and help! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
It works
Wow. What a story. God bless. Hope you’re in a better place now.
thanks for sharing your story, keep on climbing :D
POWERFUL STORY 🤩
Discovered amanita through a friend- felt drawn to it… didn’t know why. I’ve had a benzo addiction lasting 30 years …. Amanita is my hope now. I had no idea it could be the key to give me my life back
I sure hope you find freedom in it, Mandy. Go to my website, you can get involved in our little community and learn from others too maybe share your own journey.
@@AmanitaDreamer I have already found healing on a few levels. It’s saved me… I totally understand why you battle to share her. See you in the community space I will join 👍 thank you 🙏 🍄
Wow! Brave lady 😭❤🧡
🥰
I just found your video, I’m so scared I will never be safe again. I took my last Benzo in January and I had been on them for 18 years. I’m having all kinds of issues, and also I am having some severe problems with my hearing from it. I get this buzzing in my ears it’s so bad and I’m so scared of this post acute withdrawal. Please let this video tell me what to do, I’m trying anything and everything. After this I wouldn’t touch another Benzo if my life depended on it. Please help. I have five cats I take care of they have helped save my life. They were so scared during my panic attacks and they went on straight for months )-;
Watch my videos. I know exactly where you are and it's a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone. I had a doctor tell me once that a panic attack can't last more a few hours. I was flabbergasted. I have had one last for months. It's hell.
I say in my videos all I can say by law. Go to the Playlist tab and watch by topic. I know what you mean about the cats. Mine did the same. I am so sorry you're dealing with this. But you are why I made this channel so please use it. And GO TO THE FORUM!! It's why it's there.
Elizabeth Cohen as long as you’re breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong. I hear you, I’m right there with you.
Thank you SO much! You've given me hope 🙏❤️
You are so welcome! I’m so glad. You’ve got this! 🥰
very moving story and very fearless. i've experimented with and researched Amanitas since the late 90's and your knowledge is incomparable. i have a feeling if study you long enough i'll get a lot of answers i've been looking for for years. i wish you great success with your channel, great success with your therapy. i've used a sun tea method i came up with and just finally figured out why it hasn't yielded more musicmol-- more UV light in the summer. i just went hiking up a canyon today with some of that sun tea for the first time in more than a year. i can tell it was mostly ibotenic acid. i think i am pretty well primed to cautiously evaluate making yoghurt. my caps are very old but i live in an arid climate and they've been kept in dark cabinets at room temperature. i've experienced synesthesia, ego death, eternalization, OBE, and other profound states of consciousness. in all the years i've been researching them, i had not known that most methods do not get a complete conversion. i hope that drooling is less for muscimol than for ibotenic acid. it's waking from sleep in a cold puddle of drool that has dampened my enthusiasm for this ally. i thing i need to get a fresh look at a lot of old assumptions i've made and i'm glad i have you to turn to! you are to be commended for baring your soul in such a powerful way. and playing with kitties at the end of the video, oh dear, how absolutely priceless. this has been a good time for me to discover your channel. i'm highly impressed.
Nice to have another educated human around too. The drooling is muscarine which seems to be higher in some of sun dried European ones. But they also photo convert to muscazone instead of muscimol. Maybe some of the drooling is muscazone 🤷♀️
@@AmanitaDreamer that's very interesting. never heard of muscizone! Maybe the indirect sunlight of winter makes more muscizone from muscimol and the direct sunlight and high UV makes more muscimol. I have had the musicmol effects more prominently and that's without boiling or anything, but the effects do vary. The jittery, slightly queezy feeling in my stomach always accompanies a less complete conversion makes the drooling increase. A couple of times my balance was really off and I should not have been climbing around all those cliffs yesterday. The high desert part of the mountains can be very dangerous.
Amazing story. I'm so happy for you! Thank you so much!
I need to thank you for sharing. I cried with you and am again while rewatching your video. Key= Peace of Mind, Body & Soul. I have so much to say to you alone.
It is very painful and nothing to joke with. Can't believe people take this lightly
Exactly.
It’s atrocious
@@sarahjaye4117 Yeah I'm still suffering to get off so, I understand. Did you manage to get off?
@@SkinCareLuverNo , i took more in past like 3mg way in past but still 2mg in split doses of ativ most nights. Im terrified. Ive tried amanita but not the tea yet and need to try different methods. So sorry you are dealing with this as well 💚
@@sarahjaye4117 I'm sorry too. Hope you feel better!
Greetings from sunny SW Florida. 🙏
Thank you for sharing such a powerful story, I know it has made you stronger for sharing. Remember, it is your story and it has made you who the strong person that you are. Always know that someone somewhere is gaining strength from your words. Heal the soul.
Thank you Murdock
One day I will be able to share my story. It’s hard when you’re still in the middle of it and you’re being judged by narrow minded people that do not understand the struggle. Thankfully I’ve been off the heavy meds for a while; however, the damage that they caused adds to my struggle everyday.
@@MurdockRumI There's no cure for narrow mindedness. I've been there. I hope you tryout those supplements I mention at the end of the video. There's good science behind it especially the Lion's Mane. I know it sped up the process of getting my brain back. I think the amanita have helped some healing on the emotional front too.
Amanita Dreamer I’ve been on lions mane and cordiceps since before my neck surgery 2.5 years ago. I swear by it, eat it in my oatmeal every morning. It was the only way I got any clarity from the brain fog. My story is nowhere near as complex as yours, but it has its similarities. Long story short, I spent 5 years thinking my lower back was my problem because they would rather medicate and send me back to work. Later I find out that my neck is my problem with a high risk of being paralyzed. Now I’ve got 5 metal plates in my neck. Things are mostly better, except the damage of living in constant fight or flight which I know you are familiar with.
@@MurdockRumI Damn. That's brutal. Several things in modern medicine vex me. Back issues which they seem to completely ignore some very basic human anatomy and throw heavy medication at you and panic disorder where they just throw heavy medication at you. Instead of saying hey, let's look at this more deeply, let's research some alternative methods, it's just fuck it, this is too complex, throw medication at it and send em home. That's cool about the LM and Cordy. I've gotten the same relief with it. That brain fog sucks.
Love your story and it's very inspiring!! Keep up the good work and i'm sending lots of love!!!
Thank you 😊
Hopefully it’s here by Friday.started benzodiazepines for PTSD.so yes people think I’m exaggerating about my withdrawal experience from benzodiazepines.impossible for me to actually describe. I’m very hopeful it works🍄🎸
You got this!
Your awesome thanks ❤️🙏❤️🙏 I'm on 3 Mg Lorazepam I just got a psycho therapist and I'm f****** going through horrible things mentally emotionally spiritually just in every way humanly possible I'm just messed right off right now. 4 years I've been on it and was doing 30 a week sometimes I would buy them off my friend and I'm now doing 21 mgs a week started tm I'll be doing my just three milligrams a week I'm horrified and scared but I know staying on it is going to be worse and it's not getting any better and I know it's going to be one f*** of a f***** up f****** few months maybe more who knows but after your videos and others I found I'm so relieved. And know what I need to do truly truly thank you Jesus Christ God's name God bless you and all of us amen
Rosie dd u take amanita muscaria to wean off benzo? Pls need update.
Hi mam dd u take AM?
Bought a t shirt and love it!! Need to buy more for friends. 🙏
ruffleddove Awe, thank you!!!!
Amanita Dreamer I inboxed you on Instagram. ☺️
Hello Amanita Dreamer, I am a fan of your videos, I am from Spain and I wanna tell you about my experience with mushrooms :)
In summary: I have been using drugs from the age of 15 to the present (22 years). I intoxicated my brain a lot. I had great anxiety, severe depression, and suicidal thoughts.
I started taking the combination of four mushrooms: Lions Mane, Red Reishi, Cordyceps and Maitake: In four days I was back to being a functional person, I still have generalized anxiety (I am diagnosed with that) but even my GAD has gone down a lot. I am still speechless, I would never think that the combination of these 4 mushrooms would make me stable again.
I tried Amanita in microdoses in 2021 but I didn't notice any improvement, maybe my body wasn't made for Amanita. Thank you very much for your videos 💜
Greetings from Spain 💛❤️💛
Is there a supplement that has all 4 mushrooms or did you take them separately?
I love your merch! You're beautiful and amazing. Thank you for sharing. Subbed. I found you because of your comment on the Mushroom Wonderland Amanita video today.
🥰
Your story is SO amazing. I can relate to so many aspects of your story it's not even funny....and here I was before I saw your story just recently (earlier today) tried to get back on clonazepam. I've been on and off since the age of 14 due to panic disorder. Why would I ever want to go back on right?....now that it's been 3 years since I've had it ( mind you I'm 32). Well lifes hard. I'm unable to work.... I'm a mom to my two year old. My sons father committed suicide. So after seeing this doctor, I went on reddit...and a lady mentioned this magical amanita muscaria mushroom and then more research had led me to your channel somehow. Thank God. Literally resonated with me so well that....(I'm an empath( I could feel your emotions watching you) and I told myself, "Girl, you have a decision to make that can make or break your future right now. Dont want to be a burden to my son".... i can see how that can happen. You've helped change my mind. I knew the risks but you reminded me....it isnt worth it. But panic is also debilitating. Thank God there's hope....thank God for amanita muscaria. So excited to try em!!
You poor soul. I know your pain but I don't know the pain of a loved one's suicide and I hope I never do. I know the panic and how hard it is to live with and if it weren't for amanita I know I wouldn't have wanted to do this anymore. So far, what, almost 2 years now and no panic. I wish you the same. I was a single mom for 6 years from birth to age 6 for her. I know that life and it's so freakin hard. Please keep me updated.
Genesis whats your update?dd u try amanita muscaria while tapering benzo?
How r u genesis dd u try amanita muscaria?
@@morningwithgracie7870curious as well , wouldnt one need to try at least opposite time of day?
I'm in similar situation as you were then.. I have to do something about it!!! I also have two kids 🥺 i used to be on heroine, but now i am on a substitute called Subutex and I hate it!!! I want to be free again, feel my own feelings and be strong and clean for my children and for myself.. ❤️ I will see your video now and see if I can get some strength to go through this shit..
One day at a time. Make a long term plan and then do what you can each day. Slow and steady. 🥰❤️
I actually went outside and found some old amanitas I dried in the grill right when I was watching this video :- )
J F 😉
Dd u try it?
The Ashton Manual saved my life. Xanax, Klonopin, etc, are all so strong they must be switched to valium in order to cut the dosage low enough in time. For example, 3mg Klonopin = 60 mg of Valium. Very hard to taper. 1/4 of a 1mg Klonopin is still equal to 5mg of Valium, far too much to quit off. But the switch to Valium got me down to 1 mg a day, and after a full year, I quit. Then hell started. I told myself my nrrain just has to learn to deal with this after so many years . . . and after over a year, it did!
Currently preparing some Amanita tea with a little rosehips and hibiscus! This will be my second time. I need to work out whatever happened when I was a kid.
I used the Ashton method for 4 of those 5 years and yes, it was sheer hell. So much so that I was suicidal. The beauty of amanita is that it stopped all of that. I was down to half a mg when I found amanita, never touched benzos again, the amanita stopped all withdrawal symptoms and all panic and anxiety. Gave me my brain back within weeks and has healed me. It does the same for others. There's no need to suffer to come off benzos. And I made this channel so no one has to.
How are you doing now?
Thank you for making this; the "doctors" want me to be on benzos for the rest of my life; this gives me hope in an alternative; i have been on them for at least 2-3 years.. still can barely leave the house; even people on the internet can tell that my iq has dropped significantly, i feel for you friend, to have the strength to make this video is like a domino effect, giving strength to everybody that watches it!
I wish you so much goodness in this! Go to the website, tons of stuff there and in the forum! I know that IQ thing. Such evil shit those drugs. I’m doing a microdosing seminar in August. Details are also on the website
Half a gram of Lions Mane and half a gram of cordyceps a day works for me along with half a gram of psilocybe cubensis once or twice a week.My depression is gone along with aches and pains.I feel like a new man.I am gonna find some of those Amanita this year and see what all the fuss is about haha.I have lots of pine trees here in West Virginia.Good video girl,I really believe that a cure for everything can be found in nature.
Gary, this LM and Cordy stuff is equally amazing to me as amanita is. What the world of fungi are harboring is nothing short of miraculous.
@@AmanitaDreamer true,I just wish I could have known this stuff 40 years ago haha.I started drinking and drugin when I was like 10 years old and it's a miracle I made it to 60 well 59 but 60 on Valentine's day if I'm lucky haha.I got sober about 10 years ago but was still depressed as shit until last year when I started micro dosing shrooms.If I would have known the power of um years ago I could have saved myself a lot of misery.
@@garyballard3484 Don't we all man. Born too soon. What's happening with the mushroom movement is just fascinating. So many humans have suffered in these times that I feel will wind up being called the second dark ages. Where we tossed out nature and tradition and completely replaced it with science instead of incorporating the two with each other.
@@garyballard3484 dd u drink amanita muscaria tea?
@@morningwithgracie7870 no I have never done Amanita in any form yet,but I plan to as soon as I find some.
Came of Valium years ago...was on a very high dose, ended up having a huge seizure..... reduce people!
I’ve only just found you and so so thrilled I did . I’ve always been a friend of the fungi . Have always been drawn to the Amanitas but only personally know cubensis . So glad I found this video!
I make a ton of amanita inspired tie dyed shirts 😂 now I feel I’m getting some legitimate info!
Edited :
I commented before I finished watching . You hit home on so many points with me. Soooo many things ! Thank you so so much for your work !
So many people who use other shroomies only make art with these and haven't used them! I don't know why.
Thank you so much for this. I'm currently going through Xanax withdrawal and it IS a living Hell. I just starting taking Amanita in gummy form. Fingers crossed. 🍄🍄
Where did you get the gummies? I’ve heard some sources can’t be trusted. Were the ones you tried helpful?
Thank you for this.
I Love ❤ you . Your knowledge is saving my life thank you.
🥹
I don’t know to wait till the end of my taper to use these or use them during the taper...I also fear the mushroom will simply replace the BZD. Either way, I am not going to give into the birth of all evils: despondency. If I do, the Hell that awaits me is beyond any temporal “benzo hell”. I am not invalidating withdrawal in stating that. I am going through withdrawal as I write this. I’m grateful to God that you were released from that struggle. Your existence is evidence of His love for us. Please pray the Siberians come through for me on this. If they don’t I live in the PNW. I will visit your website and attempt to reach out. God bless you.
This mushroom got me off the valium for a week straight ,your a a hero (: ,
So happy for you! 🙌
You substituted ?
Awesome video thanks!
Glad you liked it!
Thank you for all u do.
Thank you for sharing.
🙏❤