Ep. 109 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ธ.ค. 2024
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It's time for 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer straight out of G-Bay studios! It was Bert's birthday so we reveal how Tom one-upped the last birthday gift given in the exchange: a chartered private jet. Bert starts getting anxiety about how he'll be able to top this gift and instead tries to pivot. The bears exchange some stories about jet ski accidents, a guy laughed at Bert when he said he felt skinny, and Bert has a great idea for experiencing history! They talk about how weird Hollywood casting decisions can get like with animated shows like Big Mouth, The Simpsons, Family Guy. Also, Bert decides that he's kept in a secret for long enough and he's tired of hiding it from the world. Bert Kreischer, the comedian you know and love, is coming out as fat and reveals hey burps and farts a hundred times a day and is constantly throwing up in his mouth. Is this normal? The bears then each describe their perfect day of eating while Bert begins to drool all over the table.
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Bert telling the exact same Isla/jetski story to Tom that he's told on 2B1C at least twice and Tom acting like it's the first time he's heard it is why he's such a good friend.
Ila, theres no S
109 episodes is a lot to not repeat a story, especially for bart
Bert was annoying as hell this episode.
I was about to comment the same thing ! The episode when he bought Tom the jet ski 7 months ago.
@@tavog8150 welcome to 2B1C
Hearing how Brent's kid tried to kill him for the third time was priceless. Can't wait for the fourth and fifth!
I thought his name was Billy Bob
I was literally about to post this...more like the 5th time I've heard it...😐
i am yelling at the computer "I"ve heard this story 5 fucking times" omg and it is taking so long. Tim's drowning story took 30 seconds.
Tom’s non drowning story was sweeeeet! “I had a life vest on but I could’ve got pissed on by a beaver” soooo dangerous… S t f u Tom😂 I was surfing triple overhead waves one day and got held under so long I almost blacked out I’m pretty sure Tom’s was worse though
If this were the fifth, Bart would have drank it.
Bert being angry about Isla’s impulse control while Tom just smiles at him, is everything.
Isla 😆
2B1C in a nutshell...
Then he goes on to talk about how he’s giving up and dieting and going to eat however much he wants
At least she's still a teenager not a racist senior citizen
@@brendansmith234 she shares my grandmother and niece's name. Never see it spelled like this before
I love how Brad's entire personality is defined by lack of impulse control and then he's shocked his daughter has no impulse control
Yeah man it's really Bart Chrysler's whole gimmick
lol this!!!
he also said she "has impulse control through the ass" so he's not sure if impulse control is positive or negative but he knows it has something to do with being reckless
It's crazy how many people complain about their kids without realizing that they are just copying their parents' behaviour. Zero self-awareness
@@Howitchewstofeel5gum Yeah, exactly. It took me until around 22-23 years old to break all my Dad's bad behaviors he passed to me
Tom is such a good friend. We've heard the jet ski story so many times on the podcast, imagine how many times he's heard it privately. He just sat there and pretended he'd never heard it before. Brisket doesn't deserve him.
I fucking KNEW i'd heard that story before bAHHA
@@websurferwizard he’s told it on the podcast like 6 times I can’t even remember the first time he brought it up because he talks about it so much
Brisket😂😂😂😂😂
Brisket has missing brain cells
Brisket hit me hella hard 👏🏻
I love starting Monday morning with an episode of Tom & Fat.
It's a Dennis and Mac dynamic. I fucking love it.
I usually get baked and watch the fat boys
@@Sev92 two bears one fat
@@iswearimcreativeproduction7604 stop looking at me and my friends.
It's like an ad for a fucking weight loss center. Before.. and Way Before
I've heard Bert's jetski story on this podcast more than I've heard my grandma's story about meeting Frank Sinatra on a cruise
i know which story is more interesting
@@probablynot879 if it's Bert or grandma both stories end with getting wet
Imagine leading with "I almost drowned" and the story is just Tim sitting in the water with a life jacket on.
Or him saying, "like" 100 times while telling a story past tense.
And one hand held above the water with a cell phone
@@alexdog6878 Which is undamaged and in the worst case he can literally use it to call for help while he floats. It was even freshwater lmao; I do understand his second of panic when it started sinking.
@@cameronroberts5461 The panic of all of a sudden using the equipment that is only for "emergencies" is real especially if you aren't used to it.
My panic would happen if I tried to walk onto a stage with 10k people and that's way safer.
Not even choppy water haha
You can tell whenever Tom talks, Brisket isn't listening. He is just waiting for him to finish so he can tell a story he's told twice already.
ADHD is real bro
Brisket lol
Brisket 😂 omg
BRISKET 🤣🤣
Notice how when bert says "Ila almost killed me on a jetski" tom doesn't even really acknowledge it and just moves on with his story? If the fans are saying it's the 3rd or 4th time they've heard it, imagine how many times Tom's heard it and bert just doesn't remember.
At least, so far, the story hasn't changed. I'm waiting for the day he tells it again but starts changing the details 😂
I believed it's spelled Isla
@@colinmcmasters5819 nope your wrong it’s ila
@@colinmcmasters5819 Naw. Learn how to spell.
@@colinmcmasters5819 Remember the story where bert says the people at school were calling her ilak, because she didn't separate her first name and last initial far enough apart? It's hard to come to that if it's spelled Isla.
This is literally the fourth time bert has told this "i died on a jet ski" story on this podcast.
Yep. That is alcoholism. LOL. Telling the same story over, and over, and over...sometimes in the same night.
Dude I zoned out as soon as he mentioned it. Surely barf has more stories
So does Tom have the memory of a gold fish or is he too nice to say: "Please not this again..."
Everytime he so upset no one is on his side about it too which is the best part...
I was just about to type this out….
Can’t wait to hear Berts jet ski story again in a few weeks
Barn Trishas about his daughter: "you can't trust her with anything"
Looks like the kool-aid doesn't fall far from the tree
😂😂😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Far from the pitcher
Lol "Barn" is the best one yet
@@thelundquist famous comedian Barn Churches
Bert has told this jetski story almost as many times as he's told the machine story at this point.
Episode 1 popped up in my recommended so I went back and re watched it. 7 minutes in Bert is screaming about how he is the heaviest he’s ever been… nice to see some things never change😂
Bert: “ I’m coming out as fat I’m eating anything i want and i feel great” also bret: “ I’m throwing up in my mouth constantly”
Bart "Its not normal to have diarrhea every time?" Krenshaw
The idea that Bart Kissel is "coming out as fat" but his thing is comedian-ing sans shirt is peak Bart.
The funniest thing about Brendon telling the jet ski story for the 3rd time is the fact that it changes every iteration
🤣The first time he told it the jet ski hit him in the head🤣
That’s because it’s one of his “Dad Stories”
Why didn’t I already assume Brad calls yolks “egg yellows”
Must be his German genes. In German it's called Eigelb which literally translates to egg yellow.
@@dr.doppeldecker3832 Or so the Germans would have us believe
I know. I caught that too. Good shit
I literally just came to that part as I read your comment lol
@@dr.doppeldecker3832 I wonder if nightmare in german is nightmeer.
Bert - "so now that I've talked for 20 minutes straight about what I want for breakfast, what do you want?". Tom - "well..." [Bert starts talking again]
This punching down on us “poor” people has got me crying laughing🤣🤣🤣
I couldnt' tell if it was a joke, so I just cringed at it and thought "what an asshole" it wasn't funny. Some people are really struggling, and he has to drop that jab at poor people like it's nothing? He needs to shut the fuck up and be more respectful.
@@JacobHayden911 🤨🤨🤨 two comedians saying outrageous stuff and you think they are being as serious as MLK about equal rights?…
@@kevint985 eh good comedy has never been about punching down. this pod has really turned into the rich guy podcast where they just talk about how they spend their money . good for them but its so boring
@@DrRobust funny thing about your moms house is i only drop by now and then.
@@JacobHayden911 "Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it" -Stalin
Tom addressing the poors is absolutely hilarious.
Uhh Hundred Percent 🚫💰💸📈
People honestly getting upset at rich comedians spending money on each other is pretty ridiculous.
@@erictheripper3316 right? These guys hustle, let them have their fun
It’s really not. It’s just not funny. Neither of these two are actually funny on this show
@@funnydonor9484 then why are you here?
that drowning story was the longest Tim has ever spoken, nevermind brad changed the topic before I finished typing
LMAO
:D :D :D
***comment applies; infinitely***
🧑🏻🦯🚫🗣
Tim and Brad 🤣 autocorrect is a bitch huh
@@S4Detroit What
pretty same to presume Tim & Brad was obviously intentional
I'm UH-HUNDRED PERCENT positive Brent Kirshner has a mini-stroke on every single episode.
Hahaha “Fuck you! Get your rent covered!” That got me rolling!!! Great line Tim!
Bret: “you’re living in an eating disorder if you’re starving yourself”
Also Bret: “I’m not eating because I’m waiting until tonight so I can go hard as fuck”
"You know Ila almost killed me on a jetski?" Yes Bret, we've heard you tell that story 3 times.
5 times and it's in a special I'm pretty sure...lol
My mom told me the story about how she tried to kill me with a coat hangar three times
And the story changes every time
He’s like that friend that compulsively lies but you entertain it because it’s funny to make fun of him behind his back
yeah.. easy to target Brett since he's an alcoholic but I do think a lot of podcasters speak openly about how they worry about repeating stories. but he's the only one who probably genuinely thinks he hasn't 😂
38:20 "it is terrifying to be around you when you're like this!"
Tom is always so scared Bert is gonna drop in front of him. It's all love but you know it is Tom's biggest fear. We all joke about Bert's health but Tom really cares and honestly, I care about Florida man's health and really hope he transitions into a healthier life at some point.
Just wait until the movie drops, Bert will probably go full Belushi.
Yeah, he’s starting to get to that age where you think he might never change. I don’t know if Bert is 50 yet but you’re 50’s is a sketchy place to be if you’re not that healthy.
Brett. Needs. Help... Screw the podcasts, put him in a rehab for food and alcohol.
He just came out as fat
In the car today I was sitting there I wonder how his comedic friends are going to app when he drops one of these days
Bert just keeps getting rounder and more red each episode.
Which is an anomaly because these podcast episodes are banked lol
Alcohol will do that to you...
Either that or road food and too much time in the pool. Sun will fuck up your skin if you're not careful
When he has to amputate his feet from the beetus and alcoholism and can’t wear his expensive shoes wrong he’ll get it
It's all the stupidity building up pressure in his body
Tom has to be the most patient friend to hear Bert’s stories over and over. Lol
Lol’d at Bert talking about his daughter drinking root beers in the dark in the pantry to hide from Leeann..... as if that isn’t essentially his life
13:35 Tom’s face when bert says his daughter has impulse control
Burnt is doing well; he can still tell his 6 stories with precision.
I watch this podcast literally every monday morning and as soon as I clicked the video and saw his face full screen I audibly said to myself, alone in my home office, "Jesus christ, Brent is noticeably fatter".
I am taking a break from alcohol
I just enjoy these for the consistent contradictions Bert makes every episode, with a dash of denial. Add in Tom's classic looks at the camera, and it's masterful
Surprisingly Brent came out of the fridge and admitted he’s an alcoholic all in the same episode
Congrats to Bert finally coming out of the pantry.
You can literally hear Bert's gradual brain degeneration from alcohol the last few weeks
BuT He'S In tHErApy!
It’s wonderful isn’t it? 😅
I worry about him
"I'm not going to worry about diarrhea that day."-Bert's fantasy
I wonder if Bart is capable of listening to a story without him telling one of his own afterwards?
Dont think so. Its kind of exhausting. Tim must be the most patient psychopath of in all of Texas.
It's his way of trying to relate to the story, I do it, too. It's not to get attention, ppl misread him all the time
He's always gotta "one up" Tom.
@@carynmartin6053 same here!! So tired of ppl shittin on burnt churches :(
As a poor person Tom shitting on them for being jealous is the funniest thing I’ve heard all week
I’m kinda poor and I don’t take it personally. It’s just not funny. Tom is a bore. He’s not a naturally funny guy. Just work on your bits hundreds of times and come out with a painfully average special. That 69 closer bit was garbage. You know your special is crap when your closer shouldn’t even have been in the special at all.
@UCSaKacXErVDBQJoWAUhr5Zw dude youre commenting hate everywhere lol get a life. You must know funny because it’s in your name. Follow proto phuckface
@@funnydonor9484 So you're a fan of Bert? I'm trying to understand why you're here making multiple comments trashing the show or the hosts. It's fair to make a criticism of a show if it's kind of changed, but it just sounds like you're not a fan of Tom.
They are pretty fucking down to earth for being rich. And they spend their money on each other. This is what I would do if I was in there shoes.
@@funnydonor9484 Gallagher must be your favorite comedian then
Bert describing his meals: “My mouth is watering “
Bert’s body: “why are you doing this to us!!?”
I wish I could have even an ounce as much excitement for anything in life as Bert's completely manic excitement for just talking about food
Hearing Bert talk about "coming out as fat" and talking shit about Tom's meal prep is especially funny if you've been watching his Instagram story the past couple days.
Like, he wasnt embracing his fatness up until this point?
When Tom gives gifts it’s count down until Bert is broke.
This might be the only podcast where you get a skippable youtube ad in the middle of a sponsored ad read
damn mr verified get youtube premium 😎
da adsense matryoshka
Bart needs lots of money for Kool-Aid
Fucking so many ads dude
I think it would be quicker if they listed the companies that don’t sponsor them
5:05 the "So" by Tom was to avoid Bert from ranting about the story before Tom even began his own. Lmao
Yea 😂😂
I feel like Bert is going to have a medical emergency every episode I watch.
That was my feeling in everyone I watched... Hum....!
In case you were wondering, yes, Burt tells his jet-ski story AGAIN.
Can someone explain to Bert that “his voice being shot” is not the reason his brain makes up new words
Maybe his tongue got caught in his teeth and he couldn't see what he was saying.
Right?! Like he has multiple mini heart attacks on the pod and just thinks he has a bad voice or his brain is moving to fast
Bert exposing Leanne’s gift is peak Bert. Amazing
"Bullshit. You just don't have a soul." 🤣🤣🤣 Bert to LeeAnn
The fact that Bart can’t financially keep up with Tom IS the best gift he can possibly give him😂🤣
I love how within like a month, Brent goes from accountabilibuddy to “guys, I’m fat”. But this is the chaos I crave and I love berry for it, he accepts himself
Every time Bert goes to sleep he almost dies.
I'm so fucking happy that somebody successful and has money finally has the balls to tell people to let them have their moment. Instead of acting like they don't spend sometimes 👌 and that's coming from my low income ass lol love y'all man
Who cares tho
I love that Bert let’s Tom guest host on this podcast every week, that’s a good friend
nothing better than opening the podcast with 2 stories we have heard multiple times. Gotta love Brett
How many times is bret gonna bring up the jet ski story on here lmfao
Tim was about to be sincere about crazy spending because it’s someone he loves and is his best friend, and Brent just barrel rolls him with his “idea” lmao
Don’t worry Tom, the poor people love this content 😂😂😂😂 hilarious
Agreed lol I’m poor. Tom and Bert earned the shit they have. Get yo life, Tom!
Yeah keep simping for these mediocre shills
I'd love to see Bert getting stuck into a traditional Roast Dinner in England!! 😎
Jetskis have drain plugs at the rear end that people often forget to plug back up before they put them back in the water. The hull slowly fills up when the craft is still in the water, leading to exactly the sequence of events Tommy B. described.
On the YMH Live it turns out the Jet ski was built on a Tuesday or Friday which is a “down day” for the company it came from. Nearly all bolts were finger loose.
Bart is literally turning into the Kool Aid Man at this point
I would LOVE to see them get that psycho Tess Holliday on the pod to interview about Bart being a new member of the ‘body positivity’ cult.
Tyrone: "like a small anti-aircraft gun"
Burnt: "ANTI AIRCRAFT CARRIER GUN"
Egg yellows… I love those yellows DELICIOUS 😂
I love the back and forth on birthday presents, and it's so dope that they can afford to do this! Congrats boys, well earned and well played 😎
Tom: "It's meal prepped"
Brett: "Stop, stop right there. You're living in a false universe."
The next step after Bert’s gift to Tom would be to take the gift giving down to the lowest value/creative but still beat any gift a wife can come up with.
Funniest thing is, their wives will be legit jealous at how much these two love each other, especially with the gifts on top of that lol
Tim and Bra do make a nice couple. And so stunning and brave for you guys to come out of the fridge like that!
Tom can tell a hilarious story in 2 minutes
Bert interrupts tom about 4 times in those 2 minute, completely disregards Tom’s story and then Burnt tells a 15 minute story that gets zero laughs
This is the truth
Ah so weve entered the “tear down” phase where dorks start criticizing the content and “picking their horse.” Anytime something gets popular, you get the criticizers. Lmao dumb
@@OptimusSatanas it’s all a hundred percent in good fun. love brent for who he is :)
That he's told 7x before lol
@@jo-gu4ln true! I love em both!
The irony in bert calling Tom's diet as an eating disorder while simultaneously describing his own eating disorder. Someone needs to explain what a binge eating disorder to him is because it can wreck your life once you give up to it.
I thought the same thing
I knew Tom was a Grade A actor when he acted surprised the second time we heard the Bert/Isla jetski story on 2B1C. This time, he has really outdone himself...
"This years Academy Awards for Best Male Actor for his role in *Bert Kershner's Bullshit* goes to Thomas Segura!"
The guy never denying himself a treat and constantly brings up how his eating has been out of control in the recent past (as if that is not a constant state) finally decides to reward himself and eat what he really wants. He could sell this as a PPV.
You R- worded poors should've had a dad that was a VP at Merrill Lynch like Tom.
Let them eat cake Tommy !
Gotta applaud Bretts bravery to just let him self go. 😂
Its the comedian version of Charles Bukowski without all the thinking.
Brett struggling to describe St. Louis style pizza is priceless.
It’s great what you’re doing with the gifts. You both work hard and earn the $, spend it how want. I’m as excited as Bert to find out what you get each other.
I do believe Bert’s gift concierge is named Lyle
BRING BACK LYLE
Bert realising he’s raised a female version of himself
This must be the 4th time I have heard Brent’s Ila jet ski story. Still funny though! 🤣
not to me. Imagine how many times Tom or LeeAnn has heard this story?
Todd still acts surprised lol dude needs an Oscar
@@CRUZCONTROL i wonder if he knows that it's irritating and finds it funny to see how many times Bert will tell the story.
@@CRUZCONTROL LMAO
@@deepthought1987 he knows, he just accepts that its just who Bruce is 😆
You deserve all the gifts in the world fellas
58:26
Ben: “I’m getting a root beer float. I LOVE ROPER FLOATS”
That’s the 15th time I’ve heard Bert tell his jet ski story on this exact podcast.
Can we all just admit we are so lucky to have an hour of these two men together all for free
This is the 20th time We’ve heard barts jet ski story
Different every time.
@@Hjaelteomslag that's how you know it's a lie, a-la Joey Diaz.
@@boofert.washington2499 Yup. They're both grifters, saying anything for money and fame. Are you a fan of Redbar?
The number of times people claim this story has been told changes as much as him telling it.
That's so awesome. Really enjoyed hearing about Bert's gift 🧧🎁
Totally here to witness Brett's feeder arc. He's gonna be a legend soon.
We hear Bruce tell his stupid jet-ski story every time jet-skis get brought up
This was at least the third time now. And nobody believed him because he always "punches up" his stories.
For the love of god do not bring up anyone that swears up & down they have never ever said the "N" word....because you'll get that story for the uhhhhh hundredth time. Lol
Tim: I was about to drown on a jet ski. Burnt: Let me tell you MY ski jet story that is nowhere as frightening or interesting.
-for the 5th time!
Tom is a good friend for NEVER interrupting the story no matter how many times he’s heard it.
Cool guy comment
The gloveless comic again. And Bart.
Bert talking about food is the best.
Along the lines of spaghetti sandwich... Breakfast nachos, hear me out. The chips just replace the "breakfast" carb. Chips covered in bacon or/& sausage, eggs, avocado, ortega chili's, black olives, gravy from the biscuits & cheese on top. Add a macchiato= dream brunch.
Nadav always laughs exactly when I begin to laugh. I feel vindicated.
Welcome back to one bear, one alcoholic, at ennys house
This show is slowly turning into the deteriorative effects of alcoholism on the human mind and brain function.
What an absolute plonker
and Tom putting absolutely no effort into the conversation as usual!!
yep. The more popular Brat gets the more it validates his behavior. He is an alcoholic.
I think he has conceded that it is okay for him to get drunk for this podcast because of whatever ridiculous reason he has invented. It could be that he is just this drunk every day now. Or maybe it’s his travel day loophole. I don’t know. If you watch him from the first few episodes of 2B1C he doesn’t look this bad though.
@@davidwatts6730 At least he admitted to being an alcoholic which is a first for the show I think.
I'm excited to hear about Tom's gifts 🤣🤣 ball out you guys deserve it
Bert is absolutely insane all the time 😂
These two are so fucking enjoyable to watch man makes me start crying in class😂😭😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😭
Of course a football player is making this comment.
I like the new stories but theres nothing beating the classics
I cannot picture Tom riding a jet ski lol especially a sinking one
Why do we always have to listen to Bert's stories, over and over and over again! Fuckin A!...
I’ve heard the Jetski story like three times on this podcast and I love it every time