As I've gotten older, I've started noticing my 8 wing. It wasn't very developed for most of my life, and now I think I might overdo it. People don't like it. I've been told, "You used to be so sweet..." Now I see that I "ego bust" others, and I'm more angry when I feel "forced" to be honest about what I feel and what I want. I think it's a phase, and I would like to be less angry.
This explains me so well. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to have a big excuse to tell someone no. This problem with boundaries, I’ve learned, has created such unnecessary stress in my life.
I used to be friends with a type 9 who had so much going for him but he also had this one toxic female friend that had a not so secret crush on him. She would constantly sabotage any opportunities with women he had and like a typical 9 he let it happen even though it angered him. I always wondered if the two of them ended up together.
Timely episode - Thanks for the reminders for us "9's" Dr. Tom! One thing I've done that has been helpful and enlightening is that when I find I'm in my "happy place," doing what I love, I pull out my phone and take a snapshot and add it to my photo album titled, "Soul Food." This helps me stay awake to what fosters my spirit and makes me feel alive. Does this make sense??
I wont get tired of saying thank you very much for all this content. 9w1 but enjoying all types' videos because that way we can learn to relate with ourselves but also with others. No doubt this is the BEST enneagram channel.
Ha, "pointing to something bigger than me" is exactly how I avoid catching flak at work for stuff. If manager A tells me to do X, I'll do X until I'm told otherwise. If manager B comes up to me shortly after and asks why I'm doing X when I'm supposed to be doing Y, my response is typically "Manager A told me to do X, go talk to them."
I like what you did with the wings vs growth vs desintegration fighting each others. You should probably do some more videos focusing on these intricacies (all the numbers we are connected to) and put it simply like you did in this video
Heh, I'm a 9w1, and my boyfriend (who's an 2w3) always says that I'm the "excuse-expert" - I've got excuses (that usually are bigger than myself) for anything! But fun-note aside, setting boundries as always been difficult for me - especially in the moment if I sense that it will bring forward a conflict. Been working on it a lot, and while before it would literally take YEARS for me to express myself, I now take just a few days. The goal is: set clear boundries in the situation (no excuses!).
I DO often wonder what "boundaries" even mean and at times, I am very clear. As a child, I took responsibility for my fathers feelings and internalized it; of course lol it is all being unraveled NOW at age 50! I have practiced the "no" just because I dont want to and yes, the repercussions of that response clicks in but not ALL the time. I find this work so amazing and being naturally curious, i love digging into it. Your information is so appreciated 🙏
Thanks for these very honest hard truths to see where we are and ways to improve to be our best optimum self. Right now at best, I'm in the average levels of health on the enneagram development scale. I've made some great improvement but I still have a very long way to go to be my healthiest self.
Here I am being a 9, every time I here your offer for coaching classes and think, "maybe I should do that? " but I've also recently come to the conclusion that I need to do writing classes.
Thank you, Tom. Helpful to have these reminders again in video form after hearing them in my coaching sessions with you. I really need to read those books you recommend!
The amount of times I had to paus this video to laugh through the pain... 🤣 Way too accurate! You truly have a wonderful way of making this (much needed!) information digestible, accessible and fun.Thank you thank you thank you!
My mother tongue is French and I find it hard to think about boundaries in my native language, since we don't seem to have an appropriate word for it. What comes closest, I think, would be « ligne de démarcation » ("demarcation" in English) ou « délimitation » ("delineation" in English), but nobody ever talks about it in those terms. Hell, in 32 revolutions around the Sun, I can't remember having heard people talking about boundaries in French. I just went on Amazon to see how the titles of books about boundaries where translated, and it seems to be « limites ». But « limites » seems to polysemic and is most often heard in the context of sentences like "this has to stop, this behavior has reached a limit" or something like that. Do you native English speakers tend to hear the word "boundaries" as having this self-help meaning, or is it as unnatural for you as « limites » is for us?
Boundaries? What are these “boundaries “ that you speak of? Lol. I haven’t even started building a fence for the goats. I’ll finish this video and maybe it will give me courage to start that fence. 😊
I appreciate the humor you bring in just being you. I hear you mention 'wing' how do you know if your a * wing ** vs just a 9 or just a 4.... .... I Am A Person!!!
Hello Pastor Tom I just received a video talking about the origin of enneagram being from a demonic revelation through “automatic writing” (a demon dictating the words to be written). Do you have any word about that? I had never heard of that.
Dear Tom, thanks for all your explanations, it is very valuable. As a Dutch nine I have a question; Is it possible with training and awareness of all your own type elements to let go of your own type, ore any type at all, in order to get closer to your own true core, so without the reaction programming that has been created by your environment from birth. I would like to know this because it is said that it creates more contact from your true entity that allows you to contact your own conscious higher self or even a collective consciousness that some call enlightenment. The persona (masks) stands in the way of this and your own type are those masks that prevent you from being your true self. I am very curious about your vision on this and especially whether it would be possible at all to function in the world without a personality and to follow your heart completely.
@@jasonwilkerson9497 Thank you for your response. You can also state according to others; The personality is the ego learned in this life and you are born with your character. You can find that character from your horoscope. Your character is also something that is not your own core. So if you can oversee the character and also your personality and are in control you will get even closer to your true self, which is enlightenment ore something nearer.
What if you’re a 4wing5 and your husband is 9wing8, he’s 6 years older than you, and you’ve been together for 18 years, married for 10, have two kids 12 and 8, and your husband has had a limerence affair for a year and half (ended FINALLY last November) and yet you have agreed to stay together and work through it. however he refuses to be 100% transparent with his phone and says it’s because he’s finally creating boundaries for himself after being “terrorized” for 10 years by me. Im all about trying to communicate better and establish healthy boundaries and build back trust, but he says we’re going to have to do it without me ever touching his phone again. He even locks it in his safe at night (that I used to have full access to until just 2 weeks ago when he changed the passcode, claiming he thinks I’ll take his money in a fit of rage even though not once in 18 years have I ever stolen from him or showed any signs of stealing. Sure I’ve lost my you know what multiple times regarding affairs and sneaking drug use, however stealing is not in my character, no matter how bad something is). He believes he is correct in doing this and says it’s for his and my best interest. Except my brain can’t rest and all the previous years of lies and gaslighting and visuals of, memories, texts from the AP play on repeat in my head and I get sharp pains in my stomach nonstop, wondering why he’s refusing to be completely open with me about that when he says he cares about me. Am I out of line and should just let go and accept that all of his secrets can potentially be on that phone, even though he promises he’s on the straight and narrow?? After having lied so many times about not being with her any more and me finding things on his phone that would indicate otherwise? Granted, since November I haven’t found any evidence- why then all of a sudden does he feel the need to lock his phone up? Am I totally nuts and imposing on him as an individual?? I truly do not know what to do or if I’m in the wrong
Imo this situation has WAY LESS to do with his enneagram type and way more to do with the fact that he sounds like a bad person in general... if he was the one in the wrong in the situation in the first place he has no right to shut you out in the name of "boundaries". Once a cheater always a cheater. In this case take this advice from woman to woman and leave the enneagram out of it. (Saying this as a 9 with your best interests at heart) :) If he wants to get better and prove that he is trustworthy then step one should be getting everything out in the open and allowing you full access to what he is up to.
The 9 I know is pushy, angry, stubborn, and he pushes me none stop- He claims he is a 9 and is forcing me to watch your videos for me to learn about himself- I know him even with out numbers, a narc is what he is. Yea - he is vague and just doesnt care about my feelings or needs. Tortures me so much not a nice person at all, sadistic. I took the test and got a 4 twice cuase he made me take the test twice , per him i was cheating on the test. OMG I had to break up with him, he doesnt respect any boundaries. Yep , thats what I did, I left him blocked him and just stonewalling him I am tired of his Narc ways.
As I've gotten older, I've started noticing my 8 wing. It wasn't very developed for most of my life, and now I think I might overdo it. People don't like it. I've been told, "You used to be so sweet..." Now I see that I "ego bust" others, and I'm more angry when I feel "forced" to be honest about what I feel and what I want. I think it's a phase, and I would like to be less angry.
Own it and let others own their own (agendas, plans, feelings, anger). Bingo! Good one.
The excuses part was spot on. That was one bright spot in the covid years I had a built in excuse
This explains me so well. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to have a big excuse to tell someone no. This problem with boundaries, I’ve learned, has created such unnecessary stress in my life.
I used to be friends with a type 9 who had so much going for him but he also had this one toxic female friend that had a not so secret crush on him. She would constantly sabotage any opportunities with women he had and like a typical 9 he let it happen even though it angered him. I always wondered if the two of them ended up together.
Timely episode - Thanks for the reminders for us "9's" Dr. Tom! One thing I've done that has been helpful and enlightening is that when I find I'm in my "happy place," doing what I love, I pull out my phone and take a snapshot and add it to my photo album titled, "Soul Food." This helps me stay awake to what fosters my spirit and makes me feel alive. Does this make sense??
Love this idea! I'm going to try it myself
I wont get tired of saying thank you very much for all this content. 9w1 but enjoying all types' videos because that way we can learn to relate with ourselves but also with others. No doubt this is the BEST enneagram channel.
Wow, thank you!
💯 Agree with PabloGuitar.Thank you Dr.TomLahe
This 9w1 had a tough time this week saying no to my sister but I managed to do it!
Yes, I like your shirt, since you asked! :)
So good and SO needed!
Thank you so much for sharing. Have you ever considered doing a series on the best careers or jobs for the various Enneagram types?
Great suggestion!
Ha, "pointing to something bigger than me" is exactly how I avoid catching flak at work for stuff. If manager A tells me to do X, I'll do X until I'm told otherwise. If manager B comes up to me shortly after and asks why I'm doing X when I'm supposed to be doing Y, my response is typically "Manager A told me to do X, go talk to them."
I laughed so much when you dropped the mic 🤣 Love your vids, it's so helpful!! From a sx 9w1 ❤
Thanks Tom, a really good one. You said some 9 things in a different way that I really get now.
I like what you did with the wings vs growth vs desintegration fighting each others. You should probably do some more videos focusing on these intricacies (all the numbers we are connected to) and put it simply like you did in this video
Your videos are always so helpful. Thank you for doing these.
Heh, I'm a 9w1, and my boyfriend (who's an 2w3) always says that I'm the "excuse-expert" - I've got excuses (that usually are bigger than myself) for anything! But fun-note aside, setting boundries as always been difficult for me - especially in the moment if I sense that it will bring forward a conflict. Been working on it a lot, and while before it would literally take YEARS for me to express myself, I now take just a few days. The goal is: set clear boundries in the situation (no excuses!).
I DO often wonder what "boundaries" even mean and at times, I am very clear. As a child, I took responsibility for my fathers feelings and internalized it; of course lol it is all being unraveled NOW at age 50! I have practiced the "no" just because I dont want to and yes, the repercussions of that response clicks in but not ALL the time. I find this work so amazing and being naturally curious, i love digging into it. Your information is so appreciated 🙏
Thanks for these very honest hard truths to see where we are and ways to improve to be our best optimum self. Right now at best, I'm in the average levels of health on the enneagram development scale. I've made some great improvement but I still have a very long way to go to be my healthiest self.
That was excellent. As a Nine wow, you are dead on. I do have a strong 8 wing but still all of this is really challenging.
Here I am being a 9, every time I here your offer for coaching classes and think, "maybe I should do that? " but I've also recently come to the conclusion that I need to do writing classes.
I need to watch this video every single day ha ha! especially when I interact with my eight child.
Thank you, Tom. Helpful to have these reminders again in video form after hearing them in my coaching sessions with you. I really need to read those books you recommend!
The amount of times I had to paus this video to laugh through the pain... 🤣 Way too accurate! You truly have a wonderful way of making this (much needed!) information digestible, accessible and fun.Thank you thank you thank you!
I love your shirt.
"Need to give them a reason bigger than me"
The struggle is real.
Blows my mind how well you have my NUMBER (9)😂
EXCELLENT 😊
Love your videos 😊 so informative and entertaining.
Thanks so much!
My mother tongue is French and I find it hard to think about boundaries in my native language, since we don't seem to have an appropriate word for it. What comes closest, I think, would be « ligne de démarcation » ("demarcation" in English) ou « délimitation » ("delineation" in English), but nobody ever talks about it in those terms. Hell, in 32 revolutions around the Sun, I can't remember having heard people talking about boundaries in French. I just went on Amazon to see how the titles of books about boundaries where translated, and it seems to be « limites ». But « limites » seems to polysemic and is most often heard in the context of sentences like "this has to stop, this behavior has reached a limit" or something like that.
Do you native English speakers tend to hear the word "boundaries" as having this self-help meaning, or is it as unnatural for you as « limites » is for us?
In language i speak, we call it 'border'.
Resonated with most of this. Thank you for calling me out lol.
Wow - is that an AUM-sign on the left side of your shirt?? Dr. LaHue??
Boundaries? What are these “boundaries “ that you speak of? Lol. I haven’t even started building a fence for the goats. I’ll finish this video and maybe it will give me courage to start that fence. 😊
Thanks so much, u r awesome & the best
You're welcome 😊
Awesome!
I'm glad you think so! Your support means a lot!
Dr.Tom,do you have content to explain the symptoms of a healthy 9W1?
I appreciate the humor you bring in just being you. I hear you mention 'wing' how do you know if your a * wing ** vs just a 9 or just a 4.... .... I Am A Person!!!
Hello Pastor Tom
I just received a video talking about the origin of enneagram being from a demonic revelation through “automatic writing” (a demon dictating the words to be written). Do you have any word about that? I had never heard of that.
I have a video on that... th-cam.com/video/87l69iDrL8w/w-d-xo.html
Lol…because…tuberculosis! Nuclear bombs!
Funniest video yet, and so right on! Thanks Doc Tom. And thanks for the alternative book recommendation.
Dear Tom, thanks for all your explanations, it is very valuable. As a Dutch nine I have a question; Is it possible with training and awareness of all your own type elements to let go of your own type, ore any type at all, in order to get closer to your own true core, so without the reaction programming that has been created by your environment from birth. I would like to know this because it is said that it creates more contact from your true entity that allows you to contact your own conscious higher self or even a collective consciousness that some call enlightenment.
The persona (masks) stands in the way of this and your own type are those masks that prevent you from being your true self.
I am very curious about your vision on this and especially whether it would be possible at all to function in the world without a personality and to follow your heart completely.
@@jasonwilkerson9497 Thank you for your response. You can also state according to others; The personality is the ego learned in this life and you are born with your character. You can find that character from your horoscope. Your character is also something that is not your own core. So if you can oversee the character and also your personality and are in control you will get even closer to your true self, which is enlightenment ore something nearer.
What if you’re a 4wing5 and your husband is 9wing8, he’s 6 years older than you, and you’ve been together for 18 years, married for 10, have two kids 12 and 8, and your husband has had a limerence affair for a year and half (ended FINALLY last November) and yet you have agreed to stay together and work through it. however he refuses to be 100% transparent with his phone and says it’s because he’s finally creating boundaries for himself after being “terrorized” for 10 years by me. Im all about trying to communicate better and establish healthy boundaries and build back trust, but he says we’re going to have to do it without me ever touching his phone again. He even locks it in his safe at night (that I used to have full access to until just 2 weeks ago when he changed the passcode, claiming he thinks I’ll take his money in a fit of rage even though not once in 18 years have I ever stolen from him or showed any signs of stealing. Sure I’ve lost my you know what multiple times regarding affairs and sneaking drug use, however stealing is not in my character, no matter how bad something is). He believes he is correct in doing this and says it’s for his and my best interest. Except my brain can’t rest and all the previous years of lies and gaslighting and visuals of, memories, texts from the AP play on repeat in my head and I get sharp pains in my stomach nonstop, wondering why he’s refusing to be completely open with me about that when he says he cares about me. Am I out of line and should just let go and accept that all of his secrets can potentially be on that phone, even though he promises he’s on the straight and narrow?? After having lied so many times about not being with her any more and me finding things on his phone that would indicate otherwise? Granted, since November I haven’t found any evidence- why then all of a sudden does he feel the need to lock his phone up? Am I totally nuts and imposing on him as an individual?? I truly do not know what to do or if I’m in the wrong
Imo this situation has WAY LESS to do with his enneagram type and way more to do with the fact that he sounds like a bad person in general... if he was the one in the wrong in the situation in the first place he has no right to shut you out in the name of "boundaries". Once a cheater always a cheater. In this case take this advice from woman to woman and leave the enneagram out of it. (Saying this as a 9 with your best interests at heart) :) If he wants to get better and prove that he is trustworthy then step one should be getting everything out in the open and allowing you full access to what he is up to.
A 9 is mostly hurt, cheated on, run over, shattered, barely hurts others. They are busy picking the pieces of their hearts.
The 9 I know is pushy, angry, stubborn, and he pushes me none stop- He claims he is a 9 and is forcing me to watch your videos for me to learn about himself- I know him even with out numbers, a narc is what he is. Yea - he is vague and just doesnt care about my feelings or needs. Tortures me so much not a nice person at all, sadistic. I took the test and got a 4 twice cuase he made me take the test twice , per him i was cheating on the test. OMG I had to break up with him, he doesnt respect any boundaries. Yep , thats what I did, I left him blocked him and just stonewalling him I am tired of his Narc ways.
That is not a 9.
He sounds more like a narcistic who thinks the best of himself: A NINE!!
greeeat