If You Hate Boring Small Talk, Try "Steering"
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 มิ.ย. 2024
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Small talk can be a drag - but it’s possible to turn those boring everyday conversations into a meaningful ones where you learn about and really connect with people.
That’s why in this video we’ll explore what you can learn from some of the best conversationalists of our era about moving from small talk to deep connection so you never worry about being boring.
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰
0:00 - Intro.
0:17 - #1: Let people know that you're happy to speak with them.
1:59 - #2: Steer towards deeper conversational contexts.
3:01 - #3: Use "parroting".
3:59 - #4: Advocate for things people are ashamed to have felt or done.
5:25 - #5: Pause to acknowledge vulnerability and courage.
6:14 - #6: Reveal your own vulnerabilities and unflattering truths.
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#JoeRogan #HowardStern #CharismaOnCommand
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Person on the street: hey hows it going?
Me: I love you
Is this the krasty krab?
No this is Patrick.
😂😂
"The weather is nice today."
"How does that make you feel?"
"The weather is nice today."
"Yes. Just like on that day when I drink too much and vomited in front of my girlfriend and her parents"
and yet, that's such an interesting thing to be asked, right? how DOES the weather make you feel?
@@JingleJoe True.
But most people will be just "What?"
@@JingleJoe Like my existence is being crushed under the load of all my failures and I'd rather punch my own reflection in the mirror till the pain makes me so numb I am not sure if I am alive anymore. Also, I feel like getting some ice cream.
@@JingleJoe Great. After going through several weeks of constant uninterrupted gray weather I don't think I'll be complaining about the sun for a loooooooong while.
"Lovely sun we have out today."
"It is, and it's casting a strong shadow behind you, are you in touch with it?"
Awkward...
LMAO
It’s the same Sun as every other day…
How small talk turns unintentionally deep:
"How's the weather over there?"
"As dark and cloudy as my everyday existence..."
Nowadays, people counter with "Are you mehod acting? Are you rehearsing for a play or something?"
lmao
@@AlexGreeneHypnotist If you do the fake tactics advised by 'Charisma on Command', then, yes, people will ask if you are method acting. But that's because you ARE method acting. Maybe try being honest.
@@WeAreAllOneNature I mean personally the weather can invoke certain memories (e.g. Summer heat and cool A/C blowing full force always reminds me of when I first lived on my own in the beginning of summer driving anywhere and everywhere). If someone is honest about what they feel, this advice can be used to know how to start convos
we should all respond to small talk like this - that'll teach these chirpy chatty fecks trying to engage with us
As an introvert, knowing you're gonna have to engage in small talk is like being asked to arm yourself with a sword & shield, and ride horseback into conquest.
Yeah, but come on, that battle cry needs work ...
for me it's more like.. If I make my speech awkward, I die
The first step is not to poeticize it
It doesn't matter nearly that much.
I just answer with short and quick responses, which must come across really rude, but I prefer being perceived as rude over continuing the conversation.
People love to talk about themselves and be appreciated.
I use that fact a lot when I don't want to talk about something personal they ask me about. I will right away ask them something about themselves. In my whole life, only 1 person ever remembered that they asked me a question that I was dodging.
@@midsizesedan7620 Is that a joke
I think this is the key that soooo many people miss
@@hkr667 let me guess: that 1 person is now your spouse?
@@knytlite Ha no :) she's been one of my best friends for 18 years though.
Other people are a reflection of you. If you're shy and judgemental people will hold back around you, if you're outgoing and secure in yourself you will bring more people out of their shell and into that energy.
Very true
I wonder why that is. Would you share any videos/articles you have about that?
Having grown up around a guy that embodies the latter and me growing up as the former - yeah that’s spot on
Oh wow, never really thought about that. I really gotta work with myself, thanks for the idea.
Yes. Double-edged riverflow😊
Appreciate you ✊
This channel is great for learning social skills you've never had an idea were a thing. HOWEVER, You won't learn anything in front of a screen. The only way for you to acquire those skills is by throwing yourself into deep water and doing it yourself. Get your sh*t together and do it yourself with an open mindset and you'll see how efficiently you become the "better you". TH-cam won't help you. Only you can do it. It's never too late. Head up, you got it!
I agree to an extent. You definitely won't get better at this stuff until you practice it, but videos like these can still be a fantastic guideline to follow.
@@yutterbomb yeah i've found it all helpful, like after watching them for a while i kind of just naturally adapted a lot of what i agree with.
Ask deeper questions and take genuine interest. Let’s learn how to socialize again
I want a diet coke
@@thetruthisinfrontofoureyes6273 ask and it is given
@@SeanLunny yes
Your interdimensional coke just arrived
Thx
Master Sean
Sector 11.
@@thetruthisinfrontofoureyes6273 😂😂😂
@@thetruthisinfrontofoureyes6273 But how does diet coke make you feel
I've been feeling self-concious about being boring lately, and I'm in that in-between phase with a new friend group, so this is perfect, thanks!
Help! I want to join a friend group but I'm super boring
But be true to yourself as well. If you put a lot of effort into seeming like a more exciting person, people will pick up on that ‘fakeness’ as well. And it can get very exhausting putting on a mask or personality every time you’re around people. Just be the most outgoing version of you, whatever that looks like.
@@webbers4life146 great advice... But a year late. Whatever would have happened has already happened so you gave advice too late. Still, great advice.
One of the best advice I ever got was "If you're afraid of being boring and want to be more interesting, you have to do more interesting things." If you're not able to easily pretend to be more interesting, no number of videos will help you magically get there. You have to actually get out and pick up new hobbies, activities, projects, and passions. If you live a full, active, and interesting life, you will always have stories and interesting things to talk about.
"it's rainy today"
"I have depression"
AH HAVE CRIPPLING DEPRESSION
@@Klokinator I have a pen
Nailed it.
Have a nice day
wanna be frans boi
I suggest reading these 3 books to go into this in depth:
The 7 levels of intimacy
How to gain friends and influence people
How to get people to like you in 90 seconds
0
How to win friends and influence people is an absolute must read for everyone interested in that topic and basically every human in general
A lot of these tips are the same things you learn in empathetic listening if you work for a suicide prevention hotline. Parroting is a big one, but hard for most people to master. You want to repeat what the other person said, in your own words, to make sure you fully understood what they're trying to tell you. If you make a mistake in your replay, most people will non-judgementally correct you, and you will better understand where they're coming from.
I do that constantly, just out of habit to make sure I understand what they are saying, and it frustrates them. So don't do it too much; throw in differing opinions, relatable experiences, and other taking points.
I tell people who are learning this skill to use their own words a lot. So, if someone tells you a long story about a break up, you can say something like "so wait," and then repeat just the main points, and end in upspeak (ending that sounds like a question mark). And try to include some indication that you understand how they might feel. It would sound like "So wait, you're saying that he broke up with you on Valentine's Day at a packed restaurant? Wow, sounds like he wasn't thinking about your feelings at all." It's better than what the training manual says, which is just "So what you're saying is... " then repeat back what they told you. It's definitely something you have to practice to make it feel normal.
I think this also contributes to taking effective notes too, listening and jotting it back down in your own words
That's some really good advices, gives me confidence to start conversation with my cru-
My stutter problem: imma stop you right there
Idk a lot about stutters, but some of them are treatable through speech therapy? If yours is treatable, I do hope that can happen for you! Much love!
It's beautiful the work you men are doing. You're offering such solid, important guidance that assists human beings to heal such painful struggles. You do it without any pretense; simple, honest, and in a "we're in this together" tone which is very encouraging. Thank you for contributing such goodness to this violent, aching world.
Always struggled with small talk, especially after 9000 years in lockdown
Wow, how old does that make you then?
@@gulabani2216 "OVER 9000!!!"
Haha
People want to be interesting, they just don't know how.
Rather, people are interesting but they don't know to express it
@@FPSBuzz And i say people have the capacity to be interesting, they just don't explore it.
I hear you. It's fun to imagine a social scene where absolutely everybody got their charisma schooling from youtube videos, and they're all just trying to out-pose one another, but none of them have got a story beyond "I'm an insta influencer."
I love the part where they explain that YOU need to talk about your own issues as well. I did the mistake of caring too much about others, rather than myself. It’s a balance that needs to be done. However, if someone is going to open up to you, you need to open up to them as well. That’s a true connection. I’ll help you out, if you help me out too
I forgot how helpful this channel is. Cheers Charlie, you’re a clever guy I’m glad you’re sharing your knowledge
This is absolutely one of my favorite TH-cam channels it is so informative and I try to tell everyone about it that mentions feeling awkward for struggling to communicate
I just want to say, thank you for what you do. You we're one of the biggest factors that changed my life, and I didn't even get CU yet.
I have been watching the channel for only about a week, and haven't even checked ot CU yet and I can see the effects already, I feel like people are more comfortable being around me and talking to me and I'm really grateful for your tips
I think why so many of us struggle with conversation is because the topics that we actually want to talk about are considered taboo. So we try to play it safe by asking each other questions that get us nowhere. Why can't we just talk about whatever at any time? What's the worst that can happen? Somebody not agreeing?
Agree with you👍👍
I’ve actually been doing these for the past couple of months and I do feel a deeper connection with people
Small talk was always a difficult one for me, I definitely need this!
I haven't watched CoC in a while (I was focusing on light entertainment over self improvement videos over the pandemic)
But this channel is still super solid. Really enjoyed this video.
Treat her like a celebrity she will treat you like a fan.
facts
so true
A fan blows
Dude, you're everywhere
@@thetruthisinfrontofoureyes6273 but won't ever get blown
80\20 rule. You do 20% of the talking & let her do 80% of the talking. Ask her question & get to know her. The best sales/dating strategy.
Her?
What if she does the 80/20 rule too? Then it’s just 40% conversation and 60% silence
@@D00Rb3LL 💯💯
@@D00Rb3LL True but I've only ever met one woman that didn't like talking about herself.
Great advice, this is how I do it whenever I meet a new girl - I start by taking 20 seconds to lay out the rules of the conversation and make sure she doesn't start talking until I'm ready to receive the essence of her character and life experiences. After explaining, I set the timer for 80 seconds, raise my hand, and drop it to signalize the beginning of her turn. If she doesn't stop herself after 80 seconds or stops too soon, I immediately correct the situation - balance must be maintained. After the first cycle is finished, I take a 1 minute break to stare through her soul and plan out how to approach the beginning of the next cycle, and my 20 seconds. Of course, I use 20% of the most interesting words and things she's said to guide myself. I write down my questions and divide the number of words by my speaking speed (+20% buffer to accommodate for potential stutter in case I'm aroused), to know whether the questions can be spoken or need to be rapped out to make it in 20 seconds. The break ends and the next cycle begins, no second is wasted. This is the way.
The last question is mind blowing. I do have anxiety trying to find myself while masking perfection.
I'm so glad you covered this topic. I ask myself this question all the time.
I look forward to joining the course I love your channel and am a film maker from one of the lower income places in Toronto who didn’t go to uni or college so I lack confidence sometimes talking to people who have your channel is a blessing
Connecting with people is one of the great joys in life, just a willingness to understand and genuine curiousity goes a long way :)
Make it clear you’re happy to talk to them. Cool, aloof people aren’t easy to get vulnerable with
Start with the basic topics, then move in deeper by asking how it made them feel. Moving a convo to feelings, motivations, or values is a great way to understand somebody deeper
Parrot them, repeat something they said with curious interest to get them to elaborate on the how or why or whatever, and quickly move into feelings and motivations, ect
Don’t judge them when they get vulnerable and share something they’re ashamed of, instead advocate for that thing, help them understand that it’s a normal thing for humans to do, and acknowledge their vulnerability and bravery.
Reveal your own vulnerabilities and unflattering truths. Don’t filter when reminded of something embarrassing
You need to be in-touch with the most unsavoury parts of you if you want to get into really deep conversations otherwise conversations will keep being safe and boring, you’ll keep wearing your mask, and you may just spend your life in fear that a disowned part of you will come back into the lime-light and ruin you
Haven’t seen the whole video yet, but I just gotta to say I already know it’s going to be great.
I have connected with many things in your synopsis, watching this helps make it more concrete! thank you!
Thanks for this video! Small talk is indeed important, not only can help us make a good first impression, it also can lead to a lasting relationship.
Good tips! I feel like I'm great at cutting small talk and creating a meaningful conversation out of it because I hate superficiality lol but I still learned a lot with this video. Thumbs up 👍
Omg I need this! As an INFJ, I get bored and irritated when small talk continues too long. I’ll go as far as not striking up a conversation in the first place in order to avoid small talk in the first place, which isn’t a good way to live.
INFJ?
@@neptune3569 In Myers-Briggs personality type, INFJs are people who are introverted, intuitive, and who like to live their lives feeling connected with themselves, their surroundings, and people.
Are you sure it's not social anxiety?
Your channel is simply amazing. You do such good work and have incredible insight.
Sean Evans from Hot Ones would be a great subject for a charisma breakdown because he asks such great and engaging questions!
Your videos are really well edited and amazingly presented. You rock!
Just hit a gold pot! Thank you for this! I really needed this since I’m socializing more often now!
I love you guys and I appreciate what you do. Keep putting out good content on how to subtly influence people
Good advice for introverts (introverted virgo especially) who hates small talk
i love being a subscriber of your show, thank you for your great information!
One of the biggest things I noticed about people is they like talking about what they like coz it's the most they could talk about without thinking too much about it. It helps a lot when you affirm them in what they do
"I'm taking this risk of opening up a business etc etc and it's been my dream"
"Hey, that's really cool. Not a lot of people have the courage to be like you etc etc"
Thanks to this channel I will be a beast on popular talk shows and interviews.
THIS VIDEO IS A GIFT THAT YOU CAN OPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN 🎁
Whoever runs this channel I LOVE YOU ❤
Me who has watched a dozen of your videos: "Sure, I'll finally check out your 'University'." Me who sees the price tag: "Guess I'll be forever alone then."
Thank you for your wonderful work ! Bless you
This is really good stuff. It is hard but once you got them, it really elevates your social skills.
I remember when the shadow of myself almost ruined my life and i stumbled upon a 17 minute video i think which talks about integrating the shadow of urself which saved me. So thank u charlie for that. I think the video was about ayahuasca
Great tips, definitely needed to hear some of these
Your TH-cam channel is so Valuable to us
Thank you for these valuable insights!
Where's the introvert gang at? 😎
At our respective homes, by ourselves. 😆
We here dawg!!!!
Your video editing skills are becoming so impressive
Someone talking to me walks into a pole.
Me: "thank you for your courage"
I didn't know this but I actually quite good at this. Thank you for making me realise that
Awesome, thank you for this, this is going to help me connect more with people on my channel
About two years ago I just started asking “how’d that make you feel” in conversations, and it totally changed the relationship I had with certain peop
Really needed this. I completely forgot how to socialise after 2021.
Joe is simply an artist in talking.
He is the Micheal Jordan of podcasting.
Michael Jordan or Joe Rogan? Joe, like most people, has conservative values and liberal values. He leans liberal though. There are very few people that are all liberal or all conservative. I find it very difficult to have a conversation with someone all one shade or the other.
I don't know about Michael Jordan's political leanings.
@Elias You said that like that's a negative thing.
@Elias what does that have to do with anything? 1. You’re mistaken & 2. Even if he is, he is entitled to do & think whatever he wants.
@Elias youre right, you didnt. but discrediting him because you view him as "conservative" (which is a blanket statement/assumption by you, but thats another topic) isn't right.
On top of all that, hes actually self described moderate - liberal on some ideas as well as right leaning on others. (ex. Pro trans rights // Pro 2nd amendment/pro gun). Just my thoughts. Don't spread division, everyone can have their beliefs as they are entitled.
Reminds me of what they teach you in acting class. Focus more on being interested than being interesting. The more interested you become in other people AND the world around you (like seeing the beauty/absurdity in those little “meaningless” moments in life) the more interesting you naturally become.
Glad to see a video featuring a lot of Howard. You guys could do an entire video series just on Howard. The master interviewer.
This is a great video guys, but number 4, 5 and 6 are only plausible when you've already moved past the small talk. Would love to hear more about this subject in the future! Keep up the good work, you guys are awesome!
THIS has got to be the most amazing thing you've posted from the many amazing videos you've posted. Thank you for posting! That said, I do wish you would take the trouble to redact the f word.
WTF is going on at 8:47? That's some deep connection there...
It gets weirder the closer you look.
@@Gigusx exactly
@@Gigusx 😂😂😂 my guy is hands on with this connection stuff 💀
My poor eyes... that was wrong on so many levels.
This was awesome! Thank you!
want to say thank you for your videos! You have given me a whole new view of myself and I didn't like everything I saw haha. You do a great job sharing all these facts and putting in clips that fit in with what you want to share
I learned so much from you thank you 👍🏿
These were very good, practical points to consider. 👍🏽
Ultimately, it’s about really listening and keeping an open mind.
I see that quality improved, Good luck
That was very insightful and helpful.
Woah, I'm going to need to watch this a few times over
It would be great to see a Charisma on Command video breaking down Neal Caffrey from White Collar
Thank You !
For anyone that is already enrolled in CU: At the moment, just watching these free TH-cam videos are doing plenty for me. I'm really interested in joining CU, but I feel like with all these covid restrictions, it's not the ideal time to enroll in the course. Do any of you agree that I should wait until everything gets better and i'm able to see more people, or should I just go for the membership right now?
A great video. Nice tips
thank you
Wow what a good video. Thank you.
Its almost like the CC guys are watch me fumble through life with timing of this uploads
This is a great video!!
my summaries:
1. let others know you are *happy* to speak with them: compliments about what they do, their personality, just say you like them
2. steer towards deeper *conversational* contexts: how does that makes you feel or other (motivation, feeling, value)
3. get anyone to open up and connected by *parroting*: repeating their title, major, vocabularies
4. *advocate* for the things others are *ashamed* to have felt or done: making sense of what they feel or experience/validating their feeling or experiences, signal them to take off the mask by sharinh their vulnarbilites and dont judge them👇
5. *pause* to acknowledge *vulnerabilities* and courage
6. *reveal* your own vulnerabilities and *unflattering* truths: and not judgemental about it or without shame
I used to be really embarrassed about having crushes who ended up being jerks, but now I would openly admit it to anyone. Be friends with your shadow!
Hey there! Could you do a charisma analysis of Princess Diana? I find her such an interesting example because she was considered an incredibly charismatic person, but she also displayed a lot of behaviours that show insecurity. How was she so charismatic while also being insecure? I think this would make for an interesting video!
Omg...,. This got way more deep... Than the title led me to believe
Awesome video👌🏻
Hey hi, please try to make a video on Hugh Lauri, people love his attitude
Damn this video hit me deep, love this video one of the best on youtube
This is amazing content this guy and his team makes! Although I won’t ever use his videos to improve myself because honestly, I can’t care enough for being able to put them to use and I don’t wanna pay for the lessons. Now I’m mostly an extrovert and gonna be how I am right now until further notice. Maybe my mindset will change in the future but I can’t see that right now. It’s not like don’t do some of the thing the host mentions but I’m not gonna strive to be any much better socially because frankly, I can’t care enough… and that’s my problem.
I don't think you're much of an extrovert. I think you just want to be stuck. Doing nothing well.
Should all of us be as complacent like you, this you tube course wouldn't exist. No one to engage and challenge us to gain ourselves from where we just were, progress forward, leaving you behind to stay stagnant.
hey man, i love your videos and find them very interristing. I was wondering what education you have had because i myself like psychology so maybe i want to study it one day.
The editing in this is incredible
Especially with the word "deepest" at 7:00
Rogan and Stern are geniuses in their craft!
I really need a video focused on work occasions!
I have watched many of your video's... and rather surprisingly, I find that I am DOING many of the things you talk about.
I was a rather skinny kid, growing up, and got picked on a good bit. So I was rather insecure, socially. But I "adapted" by learning to use humor, and to try to 'understand' the other person more. And when I came out of the Marines at 210 pounds of rock-hard muscle and broad shoulders and big arms, and went back to my High School Football Games ( I had younger siblings that were still attending) and saw some of those "bullies", and some of the "Popular Kids" that did not have much interest in me "back Then"... I saw an entirely different attitude!
Now, in just a few weeks, I will be attending my 50th Class Reunion... and about 100 of those Classmates will be there. And about 250 of my classmates, from Graduating Classes before or after me, are now Regulars on my Social Media... Even some of my former Teachers have reached out and Asked to be "Friends" on my Media pages. Because, in spite of my insecurities, and even being picked on, I was still nice to everyone, and showed a bit of humor... and was nice to Others who were sort of "outcast"... And now, their "memories" of me are more about that Ex-Marine at the football games, or the funny comments in class or in school assemblies, rather than the skinny kid that always sat on the bench at all of the Football Games and never got into a Game... until the last few minutes of the Last game of our Senior Season... and intercepted a pass and ran it back for a Touchdown.
But my humor, and kind and supportive comments, on social Media has made me one of the most popular guys in the School history...
Didn't finish reading but me too
This channel is awesome
Very interesting.
man this video is what i NEEDED goddamn thank you so much lmao
Great great video 👍👍👍