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I had a DA tell me on a Friday he wanted me….and he didn’t want me to stop wanting him….then GHOST me…for no reason. Just never heard from him again….he claimed he was secure too and not a DA anymore…I lost all respect for this man and realized what a complete fake and liar he was! This made me laugh though!
More longer form videos on why DAs ignore you when you tell them that they've hurt you . Why they choose to ignore you and ice you out upon the expression of emotion . And also why they choose to chase you once you have shut down emotionally . Me personally as an FA with diagnosed anxiety and adhd I do shut down when I'm hurt or emotionally drained or even have a vulnerability hangover and usually hope that my partner chases me because then I know they care enough to solve conflict and fix certain areas in the relationship and just cares about the overall success of the relationship . I hate being made to feel like my feelings don't matter or are never acknowledged. I also feel like using logic over emotion is a problem everytime with DAs and my feelings are intellectualized and on top of that being ignored triggers me to no end .
Only good part about the breakup was seeing the shock on the avoidants face when I said it was on her, the breakup. Like she couldn't comprehend the sabotage and fault finding traits are flawed behaviors. You can get better at relationships avoidants but you gotta own it
Mine broke with me at the beginning of a 2hour car ride home. All weekend I tried to stay out their way, we even had times of fun. After she told me that this is the first time she’s been camping and not had fun. Always statements like “why can’t you just let me enjoy my vacation” and I’m not even doing anything. Idk man. The ignorant remarks to try and break me down. If she comes around She’ll never get close to me ever again
I just love thais and the speaker is so adorable but my experience is im secure and the guy i was with was a severe avodent i gave him space did all the things i was taught the only thing i didn't do was roll out the red carpet. As we are taught if they don't do the work its a loss cause. I would bring up minor things he would disappear so for me i don't ever want to date another.
I love your show Thais, and am also a subscriber to the PDS. I believe I am an AP who was with a DA who broke up with me for trivial reasons. Luckily it was only 2 months and am over it now, with help from you of course! We spontaneously met and hit it off right away. Then one day she ghosted me for seemingly no reason. A week later, i reached out, and she told me that she felt like i didn't have time for her because i had a busy august, which consisted of weddings and business trips every weekend. I told her that things would slow down in September, but a busy august alone was a dealbreaker. We met in june, btw, and would ask her out whenever i had free time. I still think about her all the time, but with your help, i no longer feel the pain of being ghosted. I always wonder, though. Is there a way to communicate early on with a DA about attachment styles? Or will it just end up triggering them? I feel like we could have made it work if she knew why she got triggered.
This is only an observation so apologies if I’m barking up the wrong tree… did you communicate with her that you were busy during August? Did you go between dates without texting, talking on the phone? I’m FA leaning secure. If I had not heard from you for periods of time without being told.. ‘Hey, I really enjoyed our date, looking furward to seeing you again. When are you free? That doesn’t work for me cause I’ve a wedding but would live to see you such n such a time… I know I’m quite busy August but I definitely like to see you on (insert date). Without contact or transparency, she may have thought you were ghosting her. But it all depends on the above.
My partner is avoidant. She is working with a therapist and also is scheduled to attend the Hoffman Institute Retreat in January. Her therapist isn’t necessarily addressing her avoidance, as she has been working with her before I started understanding this. She definitely has pulled away over the last 9 months (we’ve been together 2.5 yrs) and she recognizes this. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I am giving her space but it is hard because I feel so disconnected from her. I feel this retreat in January is going to move the needle big time because they get to the root cause of their patterns. I am definitely putting aside my needs for now until she gets through this. Is this the right things to do? I don’t want to be betraying myself.
So sad to know if they do the work it could be a match made in heaven. I’m a ap but have had a lot of counseling and have worked on myself and I see everything he’s doing but he doesn’t try to heal. 😢 Literally opened up and said I need to get out of the grey area and need to know what our future will be and he left without saying a word.
When I got hurt, I would plead with the person. One day I explained that I had to use vacation time to meet him, and when he canceled on me, I was out that time. His response was, “Well, I don’t get vacation days.” Of course, he didn’t, he was a contracted worker and set his own hours. What does that say about him?
I recently discovered Alexithymia. It’s a condition/spectrum where people find it hard to understand or sometimes even feel their emotions. They might feel the sensations in their body but not be able to relate it to their emotions/how they’re feeling. It can be a Compton condition but also stand alone. For anyone who is or is dating an avoidant, I think it’s worth researching.
I would also react when he didn’t respond in a reasonable time or say goodbye at the end of a text. He would just disappear in the middle of it then say that he had run into someone and was talking to them. I asked that he at least say, “Be right back”.
Isn't the whole point of texting to respond when we want/can? It's not like a phone call and someone just hangs up without saying goodbye. I've never heard of a text conversation where you had to properly end it. My friends and family have never done that lol.
@@ro7547 hmm I've never heard of having to end a text conversation. To me, texting is just a quick way to communicate, not usually to have a full on conversation. Some people just have different texting etiquette I suppose.
My DA partner's DA traits also started showing arounf the 1.5 year mark...we have been painfully on and off since then, now trying for the 4th time to cultivate a healthier relationship. This time he seems have understood a lot about his attachment issues.
CAN THIS BE FIXED? Question: I had a DA roommate and she moved out suddenly when I said we don't have the same values (about stopping a racist neighbour. Although she's in the armed forces, she seemed scared of him. I did stand up to him by myself and got him to stop his behaviour. She is white, I am not). A year later I contacted her to collect her mail that was delivered. She answered straight away and we seemed to be bantering and getting on. She never came to get her mail. 9 months later she got important mail so I contacted her twice and she left me on read and never came to get her stuff. The last time I contacted her I said it's ok to come over and not to worry about anything from the past, but still nothing. I don't understand why she doesn't collect her stuff (but she's been abroad on holiday, goes to concerts, and seems to be doing everything else etc)
What about not getting closure because they are avoiding saying they are ending things. So you feel like you are in limbo because they are saying they are just in a funk and don’t want to be around anyone right now and when you ask directly if they want to continue in relationship they do not answer that directly.
Well that's up to you. Personally I let someone take however much time they need if they're in a funk and I hope for the same in return. But if you are not getting an answer about where you stand, you have to give the answer, not wait for it.
I'm fed up of hearing we need to 'love ourselves' and foster our own independence and live our own lives regardless of what our avoidant partner does. NO! Attachment styles are born in relationships and healed in relationships, not alone. Interdependence is good for us. Human beings belong in tribes. It's normal and healthy to rely on other people. To have our emotional needs met by our partner. That's the whole point of intimate relationships. Just because avoidants don't need this doesn't mean the rest of us don't. I've had 2 relationships with avoidants (one DA, one FA) this year. Neither appeared avoidant initially or I wouldn't have dated them. They are selfish beyond belief and you constantly walk on eggshells. Everything is about them - their need for space, their fears, their core wounds, their coldness when hurt, their secrecy. The needs of their partner are totally ignored all the time. The push/pull of a FA is utterly exhausting. Not wanting sex is just plain weird. The constant 'lets just be friends' hurtful. The breaking up every single time there is a disagreement devastating. The never reaching out to mend the rift. The immediate jumping into another relationship, even while trying to win you back, disrespectful. Or, worse, with the DA the abrupt ending when thing are going great which totally blindsides their partner who is left bewildered at what happened. Unless an avoidant is in active therapy and 100% knows their attachment style and is willing to work on it with their partner, just walk away. They will affect your physical, mental and emotional health to the point where you don't even know yourself any more.
Listening to the FA Regrets section reminds me just how far I've already come toward a more secure attachment style. I've already put so much work in over all these years. The way I went about it rewired my brain far too slowly. CBT is WAY faster 😋
They didn’t want to even try for a relationship even though we have all the chemistry… after no contact keeps in touch wants to meet up and cancels plans… it makes me wonder if there just are too many options and makes me question if I read the whole thing wrong
Maybe that was my ex... he always felt attacked even when I verbalized it was me... he lacked empathy for me but cried about a man he barely know going to jail for R and offing someone.... I was so confused because he never even looked affected by my tears but he claimed to love me
Get free personalized courses, live webinars & Q&As, and more at The Personal Development School for 7 days!
attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/dream-life?el=youtube-podcast
Yeah, no closure. Got broken up with by FA over text. So I had Amazon send him one self help book per day for a week. NOW I have closure! 😂
I had a DA tell me on a Friday he wanted me….and he didn’t want me to stop wanting him….then GHOST me…for no reason. Just never heard from him again….he claimed he was secure too and not a DA anymore…I lost all respect for this man and realized what a complete fake and liar he was! This made me laugh though!
Hi, @nonenone-n3z that's really nice :) could you maybe recommend some of those books, please?
😆😆😆
@@nonenone-n3z could you maybe recommend some of the books 😀 great approach for getting it out of your system!
Love this!!
More longer form videos on why DAs ignore you when you tell them that they've hurt you . Why they choose to ignore you and ice you out upon the expression of emotion . And also why they choose to chase you once you have shut down emotionally . Me personally as an FA with diagnosed anxiety and adhd I do shut down when I'm hurt or emotionally drained or even have a vulnerability hangover and usually hope that my partner chases me because then I know they care enough to solve conflict and fix certain areas in the relationship and just cares about the overall success of the relationship . I hate being made to feel like my feelings don't matter or are never acknowledged. I also feel like using logic over emotion is a problem everytime with DAs and my feelings are intellectualized and on top of that being ignored triggers me to no end .
You are not alone ❤
Only good part about the breakup was seeing the shock on the avoidants face when I said it was on her, the breakup. Like she couldn't comprehend the sabotage and fault finding traits are flawed behaviors.
You can get better at relationships avoidants but you gotta own it
It would be great to know what was the impetus that led Michael to seek healing of his attachment style?
That is a great question! I will share with Mike and hopefully he can touch on that in a future episode. I appreciate you! 💜
Mine broke with me at the beginning of a 2hour car ride home. All weekend I tried to stay out their way, we even had times of fun. After she told me that this is the first time she’s been camping and not had fun. Always statements like “why can’t you just let me enjoy my vacation” and I’m not even doing anything. Idk man. The ignorant remarks to try and break me down. If she comes around She’ll never get close to me ever again
That's rough. Learn from it. Do the internal work, you'll bounce back better.
Thank you for this conversation. I still don’t have closure from my ex-DA and hearing this helps me feel more human 💗
To be honest, it's an acknowledged fact that Das don't give closure. It'd trigger their shame and "I'm defective"' wounds way too much !
I just love thais and the speaker is so adorable but my experience is im secure and the guy i was with was a severe avodent i gave him space did all the things i was taught the only thing i didn't do was roll out the red carpet. As we are taught if they don't do the work its a loss cause. I would bring up minor things he would disappear so for me i don't ever want to date another.
I love your show Thais, and am also a subscriber to the PDS. I believe I am an AP who was with a DA who broke up with me for trivial reasons. Luckily it was only 2 months and am over it now, with help from you of course!
We spontaneously met and hit it off right away. Then one day she ghosted me for seemingly no reason. A week later, i reached out, and she told me that she felt like i didn't have time for her because i had a busy august, which consisted of weddings and business trips every weekend. I told her that things would slow down in September, but a busy august alone was a dealbreaker. We met in june, btw, and would ask her out whenever i had free time. I still think about her all the time, but with your help, i no longer feel the pain of being ghosted.
I always wonder, though. Is there a way to communicate early on with a DA about attachment styles? Or will it just end up triggering them? I feel like we could have made it work if she knew why she got triggered.
This is only an observation so apologies if I’m barking up the wrong tree… did you communicate with her that you were busy during August? Did you go between dates without texting, talking on the phone? I’m FA leaning secure. If I had not heard from you for periods of time without being told.. ‘Hey, I really enjoyed our date, looking furward to seeing you again. When are you free? That doesn’t work for me cause I’ve a wedding but would live to see you such n such a time… I know I’m quite busy August but I definitely like to see you on (insert date).
Without contact or transparency, she may have thought you were ghosting her. But it all depends on the above.
My partner is avoidant. She is working with a therapist and also is scheduled to attend the Hoffman Institute Retreat in January. Her therapist isn’t necessarily addressing her avoidance, as she has been working with her before I started understanding this. She definitely has pulled away over the last 9 months (we’ve been together 2.5 yrs) and she recognizes this. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I am giving her space but it is hard because I feel so disconnected from her. I feel this retreat in January is going to move the needle big time because they get to the root cause of their patterns. I am definitely putting aside my needs for now until she gets through this. Is this the right things to do? I don’t want to be betraying myself.
You all already answered the first question from Spooky a few months ago.....It is the exact same question.
So what’s the difference, Mike, between that and a narcissistic injury. How do we determine which it is?
So sad to know if they do the work it could be a match made in heaven. I’m a ap but have had a lot of counseling and have worked on myself and I see everything he’s doing but he doesn’t try to heal. 😢 Literally opened up and said I need to get out of the grey area and need to know what our future will be and he left without saying a word.
When I got hurt, I would plead with the person. One day I explained that I had to use vacation time to meet him, and when he canceled on me, I was out that time. His response was, “Well, I don’t get vacation days.” Of course, he didn’t, he was a contracted worker and set his own hours. What does that say about him?
I recently discovered Alexithymia. It’s a condition/spectrum where people find it hard to understand or sometimes even feel their emotions. They might feel the sensations in their body but not be able to relate it to their emotions/how they’re feeling. It can be a Compton condition but also stand alone. For anyone who is or is dating an avoidant, I think it’s worth researching.
I would also react when he didn’t respond in a reasonable time or say goodbye at the end of a text. He would just disappear in the middle of it then say that he had run into someone and was talking to them. I asked that he at least say, “Be right back”.
Isn't the whole point of texting to respond when we want/can? It's not like a phone call and someone just hangs up without saying goodbye. I've never heard of a text conversation where you had to properly end it. My friends and family have never done that lol.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes maybe so, but we you ARE having a conversation via texting,it’s rude to just disappear.
@@ro7547 hmm I've never heard of having to end a text conversation. To me, texting is just a quick way to communicate, not usually to have a full on conversation. Some people just have different texting etiquette I suppose.
My DA partner's DA traits also started showing arounf the 1.5 year mark...we have been painfully on and off since then, now trying for the 4th time to cultivate a healthier relationship. This time he seems have understood a lot about his attachment issues.
CAN THIS BE FIXED? Question: I had a DA roommate and she moved out suddenly when I said we don't have the same values (about stopping a racist neighbour. Although she's in the armed forces, she seemed scared of him. I did stand up to him by myself and got him to stop his behaviour. She is white, I am not). A year later I contacted her to collect her mail that was delivered. She answered straight away and we seemed to be bantering and getting on. She never came to get her mail. 9 months later she got important mail so I contacted her twice and she left me on read and never came to get her stuff. The last time I contacted her I said it's ok to come over and not to worry about anything from the past, but still nothing. I don't understand why she doesn't collect her stuff (but she's been abroad on holiday, goes to concerts, and seems to be doing everything else etc)
What about not getting closure because they are avoiding saying they are ending things. So you feel like you are in limbo because they are saying they are just in a funk and don’t want to be around anyone right now and when you ask directly if they want to continue in relationship they do not answer that directly.
Well that's up to you. Personally I let someone take however much time they need if they're in a funk and I hope for the same in return. But if you are not getting an answer about where you stand, you have to give the answer, not wait for it.
I'm fed up of hearing we need to 'love ourselves' and foster our own independence and live our own lives regardless of what our avoidant partner does. NO! Attachment styles are born in relationships and healed in relationships, not alone. Interdependence is good for us. Human beings belong in tribes. It's normal and healthy to rely on other people. To have our emotional needs met by our partner. That's the whole point of intimate relationships. Just because avoidants don't need this doesn't mean the rest of us don't.
I've had 2 relationships with avoidants (one DA, one FA) this year. Neither appeared avoidant initially or I wouldn't have dated them. They are selfish beyond belief and you constantly walk on eggshells. Everything is about them - their need for space, their fears, their core wounds, their coldness when hurt, their secrecy. The needs of their partner are totally ignored all the time.
The push/pull of a FA is utterly exhausting. Not wanting sex is just plain weird. The constant 'lets just be friends' hurtful. The breaking up every single time there is a disagreement devastating. The never reaching out to mend the rift. The immediate jumping into another relationship, even while trying to win you back, disrespectful. Or, worse, with the DA the abrupt ending when thing are going great which totally blindsides their partner who is left bewildered at what happened.
Unless an avoidant is in active therapy and 100% knows their attachment style and is willing to work on it with their partner, just walk away. They will affect your physical, mental and emotional health to the point where you don't even know yourself any more.
Please stop interrupting
Listening to the FA Regrets section reminds me just how far I've already come toward a more secure attachment style. I've already put so much work in over all these years. The way I went about it rewired my brain far too slowly. CBT is WAY faster 😋
They didn’t want to even try for a relationship even though we have all the chemistry… after no contact keeps in touch wants to meet up and cancels plans… it makes me wonder if there just are too many options and makes me question if I read the whole thing wrong
Maybe that was my ex... he always felt attacked even when I verbalized it was me... he lacked empathy for me but cried about a man he barely know going to jail for R and offing someone.... I was so confused because he never even looked affected by my tears but he claimed to love me