Hello Thrivers!! For anyone that resonates with this... if you have found yourself watching video after video and yet still feel stuck OR if you've tried several different video courses and just can't seem to feel like you've broken through the traumatized personality that narcissistic abuse ingrains in you - then I'd like to invite you to Thrivers School of Transformation - this is a monthly membership where we meet LIVE on zoom and we do the inner work TOGETHER!!! I'll leave the link here for anyone that wants to check it out and see if it's a good fit for you: www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation
This looks really effective. It's difficult to explain & grasp not being able 2 trust our own thoughts & minds. Some people are unhealed getting into relationships & dragging the damage to others. I shared, thank you. Some people like the unhealed version of us better..
Wow. I am stunned. I am nearly 63 and I finally know what was wrong with my mother. I knew there was something but didn't know what. Sadly I don't even remember who I was before the trauma started 😕
Michelle, I host a TH-cam channel regarding estrangement. I wonder if we could connect and discuss you being a guest to discuss this and other things. Please let me know, I think it would be great to discuss and for my listeners to hear your take and help them to cope with their situation.
Yep that's what I'm going through just got away from him well after he left me for dead and is just now finally in jail as of last Friday after 3 years of what he put me through. I don't know how to get through this
Yes. Emotional flashbacks are keeping me from doing things I've loved before. Your list is spot on. I feel mentality hijacked. My therapist told me I was trauma bonded, and it makes sense now.
Only people who have gone through this could EVER understand this. This is what I go through on a daily basis, and I had no idea that the abuse changes our brain functions.
I hear you completely. Same here. I than married my partner, who did not know that there was something else in live than a loving family. I came to faith in Christ when I was 19 and He has healed me from trauma. Nevertheless I had to surrender to a process of reprogramming my mindset. My normal is based on the Bible and everytime the old pops up, God and my husband directed by Him, correct me. A tough process, but I am changing more and more.
I got made homeless during my exams so although it took a long time it was too hard to ignore in the end...Will say that was 17 years ago and it's taken that long. My bros and sisters are still stuck in the cycle with no clue they are actually in it.
@@StevenLewis-z6c I was stuck in the cycle until about 43yo when I had a major breakdown and had to go to the hospital a few time. My father has passed, he never too a single ounce of responsibility putting it all on me. I don’t have contact with my mother by choice. She refuses to take any responsibility as well. They showed zero compassion, respect or anything for me other than disappointment. I’m honestly better off without them. If I had it to do over again i would have left as soon as I could and never looked back.
Married 48 yrs also went from severe childhood abuse to a narcissist abuse in marriage so I'm 67 and just understanding what has been done to me my husband is divorcing me because I won't let him abuse me anymore I'm so glad to be able to watch this video it helps to know what is actually happening in my mind and body thank you for this
Susan - I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through, in childhood & adulthood. My experiences have been like yours in a lot of ways. Please know things will get better [coming from someone who’s 6 yrs out of the divorce]. ❤
I was absolutely devastated when I put the puzzle pieces together that narcissistic abuse was happening at home. I felt alone and isolated and made out the villain because I spoke out against the narcissist! It is literally psychological warfare
That psychological warfare is no joke. I just left a week ago and having to navigate being truthful and not to seem crazy or erratic and making right choices for the children when a lot of people that know him don't know at all how abusive it is. It's terrifying. It's like playing a game of chess where you're children's lives are dependent on you being the victor but never even seen a chess board before let alone know the rules. God help us
Loss of memory is the one that bothers me the most. There are sections of my adult life I can't remember, significant events that happened in my life the close friends and family will talk about that I should remember but I have no memory of. I don't think I'm explaining it well, not sure if it makes any sense.
The “never laugh” was spot on for me after surviving childhood with 2 narcissistic parents. But at 28 I married a man who made me laugh every single day from the day we met until the week he died. That was a huge factor in deciding to marry him. What a gift!❤
So sorry for ur loss. Sometimes after the peak of happiness there is nothing left to experience i guess so then comes a full stop. Hope u can find happiness again. Saying out of experience… peace…
@@RandyTucker Not well. Father would rage so it was a childhood walking on eggshells. Mother was life-long victim-children’s job was to constantly serve, reassure her, protect from Father. Silent treatment if we didn’t to her satisfaction.
I was abused during my whole childhood by narcissistic parents. Imagine the irreversible damage. A child cannot develop in such conditions. You have no personality, just shame, constant fear, and being in other people's head to try and figure out how they're gonna harm you before they do. A nightmare. Everything you say is so true, thank you for this video
😢😢 so much love to you- it’s true, it’s almost impossible to function or survive, let alone thrive for a child in that environment. Sometimes other family members or even teachers, or people in the community can be a bit of a lifeline. The child can understand with their physical body and words that what they’re going through is not normal.
@@Susweca5569small steps. Do less, feel more to feel safe. Yoga nidra is helpful, whatever relaxes the nervous system. The body learns and then good energy, creativity, and calm flows.
As a NPD survivor, I believe survivors go through unbearable distress in their minds, bodies and souls. The crime is that it changes you and it is such a struggle to recover.
Once I learned about narcs. I started to heal. I was always looking for an answer as to WHY are things always so upside down, when dealing with this certain person. For YEARS trying to always resolve conflict. With a big question mark above my head. This knowledge. Not only helped me heal quicker. I was also able to forgive after no contact. And set BOUNDRIES for these type personalitites. I’m happier then I’ve ever been.
@@TH-camr5775- I’ve felt as I’ve been so lost unable to even do executive functioning which is something that has always just came easy & it’s an everyday struggle . My heart hurts so badly for each and everyone of us. It’s really hard to understand how others can’t see or feel the pain that’s been inflicted upon our lives
@@FloridaGirl- you are so right about this !!! It’s a little hard or fuzzy to see the entire picture as your in the the depths of it but when you do it’s the best feeling in the world
This was the first narcissism video to make me cry because you explained my reality these last 10 months in less than 10 mins. No one close to me understood me and I was left to rot.
When it comes to narcissistic abuse, it's crucial to focus on understanding the dynamics of the abusive relationship and the impact it has on the victim, rather than making assumptions or generalizations about their behavior. Narcissistic abuse can have a profound and complex effect on victims, often leading to emotional trauma, low self-esteem, and a distorted sense of self-worth. It can erode trust, create feelings of isolation, and manipulate the victim's perception of reality. Some victims of narcissistic abuse may struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries, trusting others, or recognizing their own value. In some cases, individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse may engage in behaviors that are out of character, including cheating or seeking validation outside the relationship. These behaviors can be a response to the emotional turmoil and manipulation they have endured. It's important to approach this with compassion and understand that these actions may stem from a desire for validation, escape, or a misguided attempt to regain a sense of control or self-worth. However, it's essential to note that not all victims of narcissistic abuse engage in infidelity or seek external validation. Each individual responds to abuse differently, and their actions may vary depending on their coping mechanisms, personal values, and circumstances. If you or someone you know has experienced narcissistic abuse, it is crucial to seek support from professionals such as therapists or counselors who specialize in trauma and relationship dynamics. They can provide guidance, healing strategies, and help rebuild a healthy sense of self-worth and trust. Remember, the effects of narcissistic abuse are complex, and the healing process is unique to each individual. Judgment and assumptions can hinder the understanding and support that victims need. Providing empathy, compassion, and access to appropriate resources can contribute to the healing journey and empower survivors to rebuild their lives. Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: Metaspyclubllc@gmail. com
If its a parent: There's a quote I love... “People don’t like to admit it, but where (and when) you’re born and who your parents are will largely determine the trajectory of your life, regardless of most other factors.”
My Narcissistic Momester is alive My dad isn’t. My dad passed in 2012, I haven’t seen my mom since 2015(another funeral) Now all of a sudden she writes me on FB and she wants me and the kiddos to come down …….(WHY?!) Someone told me Your mother has everything to gain from this and you have everything to lose if you see her back home 🏡
I have just realized that my mother is a narcissist... it took me a long time to accept that (am 41), and I know that the right thing to do is to break all contact... but I don't know how to find the strength to do it...
@@thereseaxelsson_666 I was the family scapegoat and went no contact with my narcissist mother (and family) about 4 months ago and it has been really hard. Sometimes it feels like a mistake. What has gotten me through it is reading dozens of stories of other survivors that have broken free. All of them say it was the right choice. The few who ended up giving the narc another chance said they always regretted doing so and had to start the healing journey all over again. Reading all these stories keeps me from wanting to restart contact. Also videos like this one are really helpful. Good luck! You can do it!
@@thereseaxelsson_666it’s a shock when you wake up to it they are so good at making it all their way with out you knowing they do it years and years they can make it you x
"Teach myself to laugh again"--Boy did this resonate! After i moved out from my narcissist house and moved into my own apartment, is when i noticed this in myself. I was driving in my car amd one of my favorite songs came on. And i started SINGING out loud.....which i realized i hadnt done in YEARS. It was something that made me happy before the narc killed my spirit. I hadnt even really noticed how long it had been since i allowed myself to do that
Wow. Those car rides again. Couldn't groove to a tune then for sure. The hand not occupied by the phone always shut it off due to a distraction from phone texts, emails, conversations were generally not bc you would figure out other supply sooner. Freakin hilarious now ! I soon learned that soothing of song was what was missing was another form of coercive control, manipulation, passive aggressiveness and making you feel less than. It is amazing now how long that lasted. Free....Alright Now. Doobie Bros... Rocking Down The Highway. Deep Purple.....Highway Star. Rock on 🤘
I've done nothing but try to leave the nar. Home. I had my own place and was happy, then 2020 my brother had accident and passed, he was 22 and still lived at home, I ended up moving back, now it is so unclear if I am experiencing grief of my brother or grief from living here
@jennarollyson4107 if I may offer this advice. I too had multiple losses in a brief period of time. One the closest of my life. I tried to reset too quick. Went to a grief group, met a malignant narcissist discerned through widespread sources. Had a relationshit and now know what people are capable at your most vulnerable time. It is a complicated grief issue you may have. Slow deliberate decisions on what takes care of you. No new relationships for quite awhile. There is no replacement for your loss only adjustment. They are always with us. That's permanent and you can count on it. Let your gut and instinct never be swindled by a toxic force. In time you will see, you got this.
@@jennarollyson4107 So sorry to hear about your brother.... maybe it's a bit of both. If home was a place where a lot of trauma took place.... going back can often wake up the unhealed trauma.
I was told by a psychologist that I was the problem after telling him about the abuse. It was horrendous. I saw 2 others who were completely different and I learnt in that moment that you shouldn't blindly trust everyone.
Think about their name. It's hidden in plain sight. While I think there are some good ones with good intentions that can help people. The foundation of the profession is built upon deception and the prescribing of harmful pharmaceuticals. Psychotherapist.
“I’m the problem” was real for me too. My ex said, ‘there’s something wrong with you, you need therapy!’ In my first session, the therapist said, ‘what are you still doing with him?’ I was speechless. He had convinced me I was the problem. My personality changes: intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, shame, social avoidance, isolation, anger, mistrust of men and women I didn’t know. 6 years later, he won’t give me a separation or divorce. Thousands of $ later, I had to get a new lawyer and await court. He has destroyed me in so many ways. I just want it to be over. Like the book says, the body keeps score.
Does the negative internal dialogue sound like the voice of he narcissist? It's like everything he said replayed in my head and I started to believe it.
@@violetivy it is, and I’m so sorry. We gaslight ourselves because, in my case, he’s physically near perfect, so it’s hard for ppl to understand that he’s really cruel under all that ‘perfection.’
I am in my 33rd year of marriage to a narcissistic / co-dependent husband. This year, however, I have experienced a dramatic change. I suddenly felt like I was another person…like I was in my late teens/early 20s. My creative juices returned after years of stagnation. I have walked on eggshells for at least twenty five years. I literally feel like another person. This journey is starting in my 67th year of life!
Well, we are a Christian family…which probably explains why I have remained married. Basically, my daughters and I confronted my husband with his behaviors. That confrontation, done in love, shook him up. We showed him how he fit all of the characteristics, and he got it. It has been slow, but he has changed. I have changed. I believe that God played a major role in this transformation. When you are able to acknowledge your bad behavior, it is the first step towards freedom.
@@hgstudios WOW!! So glad he was open to hearing and becoming self aware. I am a believer as well. My H states he is a believer. However he checks all the boxes for covert narcissist : Gaslighting Lying Scheming Blaming Dismissive Silent treatment Ghosting Circular conversations Grandiose Massive EGO Arrogant Very competitive Materialistic Won’t ever listen to understand Every conversation must be ALL about what he wants, thinks and decides. He requires agreement Can never resolve an important issue if I bring it up. Is emotionally, financially, spiritually (uses scripture to weaponize) mentally abusive. Work, his friends and golf are his mistresses. So I don’t believe he’s truly born again. I can’t afford a lawyer. If I were to divorce, he or I have to be gone/us living apart for 6 months to file I have nowhere to go. So we live separate lives. I do my thing and he does his He’s basically a roommate and we treat each other as such. Really Gives Our Lord a Bad Name 😢 And yes I have lovingly (and crying and laughing and dogmatically) shared ALL this and more verbally, in letters, to pastors, elders, teachers, friends, relatives . But he still chooses to bow to his ego and pride.
Only God can make that change in the one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I praise Him for giving you courage and grace in confronting your husband. God changed mine shortly after he rededicated himself to Jesus as Lord of his life. The change was phenomenal. It took me years to adjust to the change, bc while I gave God the glory, I never reached out to ask Him to heal my conditioned responses learned during 30+ years with this man. I didn’t realize I also needed to change bc I was still living under ‘conditioned fear’. My husband passed away of stage 4 cancer 11 years after his ‘overnight’ change. Despite fading visual acuity, he would still call me into the living room at 10am everyday as he would say ‘It’s time to do our daily Bible Reading” that HE had initiated!! Ironically, we were in the book of Job the week God took him home. Please get help…trauma counseling of some kind, even when your person is the actual 1% who actually changes. My personal belief is that 100% of that 1% is probably by the hand of God.
Well, I must say, the world of narcissism is a fascinating one. While many people are aware of overt narcissism, where individuals display grandiose behavior and seek constant attention, covert narcissism is a whole different ballgame. Covert narcissists are masters at hiding their true selves and manipulating those around them. And yes, they do have some rather peculiar habits that set them apart from the rest of us. One weird habit of covert narcissists is their constant need for validation. Unlike overt narcissists who seek validation through external means, covert narcissists have a more sneaky approach. They often fish for compliments or sympathy by subtly dropping hints or making self-deprecating comments. They feed off the reassurance and affirmation they receive from others, and this habit can become quite exhausting for those who have to constantly boost their fragile egos. Another strange habit of covert narcissists is their tendency to play the victim. They are skilled at playing the sympathy card and making others feel sorry for them. They will twist situations to make themselves appear as innocent victims, even when they are the ones who caused the problem in the first place. This habit allows them to manipulate others into feeling guilty or responsible for their actions, ultimately gaining control over their emotions and actions. Covert narcissists also have a knack for gaslighting, which is a rather disturbing habit. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist distorts reality or denies certain events to make their victim doubt their own perception and sanity. They will subtly twist facts, change narratives, or even outright lie to make others question their own reality. It's an insidious habit that can leave victims feeling confused, doubting themselves, and trapped in an emotionally abusive cycle. Lastly, covert narcissists have a peculiar habit of being overly sensitive to criticism. They simply cannot handle any form of negative feedback or constructive criticism, often reacting with extreme defensiveness or passive-aggressive behavior. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe that they are above reproach. This habit can make it incredibly challenging to have any meaningful conversations with them or address any issues that may arise in a healthy manner. In conclusion, covert narcissism is a complex phenomenon that manifests in various weird habits. From seeking constant validation, playing the victim, gaslighting, to being overly sensitive to criticism, these individuals possess a unique set of traits that can be both intriguing and challenging to deal with. It's important to be aware of these habits so that we can recognize and protect ourselves from their manipulative tactics. Additionally, If you're considering hiring a private investigator for proof of infidelity in a divorce case, Barry Investigations could be the right choice. By contacting them at Barryinvestigation@gmail. com, you can work with experienced professionals to uncover the truth. Make sure to discuss your legal rights and responsibilities, establish clear boundaries, and follow the investigator's guidelines to ensure a successful and discreet investigation.
This hit home. My daughter was acting goofy one day and doing silly stuff then stopping and asking me if it was funny. I kept saying "yes" or "that was silly" and so on. Finally after a while I asked her why she kept doing these crazy things and she said "Because you never laugh daddy and I'm just trying to make you laugh." She was 5 almost 6 at the time.
I’m the same way. I fake smiles and say “that was so funny” or “you are so silly” but I rarely laugh. My kids constantly ask me if I’m mad. I’m not. I’m just always in deep thought and I’m quiet.
This is me!! I AM stuck, scared, depressed, anxious, have negative thoughts, regret, and shame. Thank you for explaining this, I’m starting to cry bc I’ve felt so broken and alone for so very long.
I feel the same way sometimes. I was abused by parents and a narcissist husband and I am alone now so I know how you feel, but you are not alone....sending huggs❤
Same here I loved her so deeply that I lost love for myself so I could be giving her everything I had . And that wasn't enough , she still tore into me with put downs and nasty comments plus the lies cheating etc etc etc they get you to doubt yourself and forget who you are. All because you fell in love with the wrong person. I wish you good health and happiness in your life. Mike from the UK ❤
The worst part of when I left narcissist abuse after 13 years, my family thought I was ridiculous to be so broken. They told me just to get over it and move on. Went through so many anxiety attacks. 1 year later, I am finally gaining my identity and peace.
Sounds like the family may have its own issues. Either they have a similar pathology to the narcissist or else they have never experienced narcissistic abuse. In any case, empathy doesn't sound like it's being utilized, and both scenarios can lead someone from a family of origin like that to wind up in toxic relationships. ❤
Unless people have encountered narcissistic abuse, they don't have the capability to understand the trauma, pain and endless shame. I thought that I was relatively smart, but was fooled by the narcissist. You can't just mentally walk away, it takes time, strength and support. By the time I walked away, I was nothing but an empty shell. I lost me, who I was, and didn't recognize who I had become. I never found myself again, because that person was destroyed. I am building every day to create the new me, and putting myself back together. My covert narcissist ex sucked every aspect of who I once was, dry. Narcissists will NEVER change..................However, as a survivor, we are changed forever.
@@Kaycee907and thank you for putting out your experience which I find is brave and that's not something you could say about your abuser. Keep being strong and brave and may your days be more durable. It is hard, I know the struggles too and it's hard to comprehend when you thought it was something more but it was just an illusion. Which in itself it's hard to believe cause you normally have a good heart and you believe that they are not doing all of that just for the sake of them getting a boost, revenge or just to get control or get an emotion out of you, just so they don't really feel the real thing. It's like an escape from reality, from themselves and from everyone else. Just like an addiction, they just can't help being that way, they have to feel something else, instead of feeling the situation they have likely created purposely. They know pain but somehow that's all they know and they live through their pain, shame, guilt or any bad emotion or thinking, they are becoming that essentially. They have to be that way because their pain is living through them, with them and now it's showing, they only see their pain cause they have gone through it a lot alone. I believe they have been traumatized so much alone to a level that they can only see through their own self now. They didn't have someone to help them understand that they are not alone and damaged people can easily damage another being but that's proably how they have felt most their lives or when going through a dramatic event or period of time of being isolated, scared, vulnurable and helpless. So I think they must become like their abusers to feel a little bit of power when they didn't had it and that could have been helpful and now they will never be that helpless self with no value or purpose, and it's helpful to them to feel power, to feel seen, to feel heard. No matter the good or bad, just you recongizing them as a person and especially a strong enough person to do bad is everything. They just like to know they exist, but not just that but you having emotions towards them is to them is like a confirmation. When you are expressing your feelings about them no matter what if confirms they matter enough to get an emotion out of you or else it doesn't really matter, they don't matter and you don't matter. It's a defense mechanism, just like any other bad emotion being upon us when we can't help, control or understand. The longer you have suffered alone, the more alone you feel and then the isolation is easy, not only your psycical distance but emotioal follows too. We are all humans with different lives but we all experience some aspect of what others feel too but the levels of it are spread. The stronger person you are and the more you learn about humans, especially other cultures you will find out that your life is not that unique because others can relate to you besides your differences and upbringing, we as humans have to accept that "bad people" are not "bad people" for fun, we all have a resoning of how we share ourselves or not sharing. We can only hope humans do learn from their mistakes but people have also to accept some people don't know themselves or others well enough to be "normal"
the weird and even unbelievable thing is that a lot of people if not most or even ALL who are/have been in an abusive relationship DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. i just thought it was "complicated"!!! took me YEARS to understand i was a victim of a narcissist and it was an abusive relationship! i remember being confused 100% of the time, i never understood what was happening or why he was treating me that way. it took me years and years to heal!
I'm glad you are healing, Godspeed to you. I had no clue I was being abused. I was (Key word WAS) considered a pretty tough guy, so it's hard for people to understand that someone like me could be abused. Mental & physical abuse are two different things. If I had my choice, I would pick physical abuse over mental abuse every time. At least you heal much quicker from physical abuse. Physical abuse scars don't hurt after they heal. Mental abuse scars never heal and cause lifelong PAIN.
Yes!!! It's so confusing, and feels so mean... To even question the people around me, and to really consider they could be narcissistic... Although I've heard it from others my whole life, that both parents are narcissists. That my partner is too... It's terrifying. That's my life, my favorite people. Thing is, I can't go on myself much longer like this. I've become no one. I can't function. I don't live. I don't give my children what they need. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally absent most of the time. There, but detached. So the hard knocks don't hurt as much when they come. The f+!)3d up thing is: my kids get knocked down and don't have my (messed up) defense mechanisms. And I'm not there to soften the landings for them, and reach them to work thru pain, because I don't feel it when it happens. I miss it. And see the damage later. The guilt could kill me if I let it. I often imagine their lives if I wasn't there anymore. I think they'd be better off, I wouldn't be there to raise them in a home with a highly depressed mother. They'd be with my functional, healthy, happy family. True love isn't selfish. The most loving thing might be to leave them. Save them from myself. But, they love me so, so much. I don't know if the pain of losing me is worse than the pain of living with me. I don't want them to have any pain. So, I conclude again and again, my only choice is to fight for them, by fighting for myself. My self destructive self doesn't mesh with my true, pure, and eternal love and "mama bear" spirit of protection over them. I have to get better. But I'm not. I wish I knew how, I would do anything to know how to help myself. I'm sorry for whining and being so selfish. I just resonate so much with what you said, and I want to tell you:::: You are so beautiful. So smart. You have a place in this world, and you bring life and light to this world, so please stick around. The world is so much better with you in it. You deserve to know and love yourself. (I get it, we all do. But my whole existence I've been told how bad I am. How inherently flawed, evil, mean, and worthless I am. It's a hard reality to walk out of when it's all you know and have ever felt about who you are at your core.)
@ashleyhoward-larsen8409 You don't sound bad, you sound like you want a trained therapist. Do you have a plan (rhetorical) for yourself and your children?
My mother had narcissistic tendencies. I learned as a young kid, in second grade, not to trust her anymore. My older brother turned out to be a full blown narcissist, too. I took care of my mother in her later years and her narcissistic tendencies were still there. She was always selfish and didn't give a thought to what I was going through in taking care of her. She wasn't senile, just selfish as always. I loved her but disliked her behavior. When she passed, I was sad but greatly relieved. I've cut off relationship with my brother because he's a full blown narcissist and I refuse to go through anymore narcissistic behavior. I suffered through his behavior as a child and he's only gotten worse with age. I'm typically hyper-vigilant with people. My Christian faith has helped me to forgive them but never to forget. I married a narcissist and shed him after only a couple of years. Back then, I knew nothing about narcissistic behavior but i knew what i could no longer tolerate in my life.
I made the mistake of caring for my mom instead of caring for my son but nobody else was going to care for my mom and they left it on me. I'm still struggling with my kid and I hate my family. They're dead to for putting me in that position to choose between my mother and my son.
I hate Christian culture on how it doesn't protect us from narcissists as if it was made to put us in situation of abuse. God is not Christian culture.
I have your same story except for the husband part. I am taking care of my elderly, very mentally ill mother who is so selfish - has no concern for me whatsoever as her ONLY loyal true friend and caregiver. Her covert narcissism & other cluster B disorders makes her an evil monster that breaks off into all kinds of sub-monsters who all come out to fight ea other on how they're gonna attack me for the day. I too love her and will be sad when she is dead but also relieved when she's gone. I also won't be as sad then b/c I have mourned & grieved the loss of her over my life time b/c though she lives, it's just oxygen in and out and that's it b/c she just exists - doesn't thrive, doesn't even try to be a better person. Lives in denial, in and out of acute psychosis, driven by pure delusional fantasy and dark and ludicrous lies as well as narcissistic injury/(aka, 'wounded pride'). I also have had to grieve the sad fact that there is no relationship btew us as mother & daughter due to her pathology and her lack of maternal instinct, esp her deep narcissism/ pride. She is leaving no decent legacy behind at all. She has nothing to pass on but hate, spite and venom. There will be no bru-haha for any funeral. There is nothing there and so a casket into a ground will be it and only me there as she has no one else who will show up. Although I am her POA, she still has not told me where she wants to be buried so I will prob have her buried w/out a marker and it will be done by the state. No money, no instructions, no logic, no sanity. The story of her life. This is why I try to live a decent Christian life too b/c you can't hate the person but you must hate the demonic monsters that live in their head. It's very exhausting having to do battle after battle fighting Dracula and Jeckyl and Hyde and Michael Myers, and Freddy Kruger, etc, etc, etc....When I get around her, I feel my life drop into a marathon mix of all of the worst horror films of all time. Yes, we have to forgive them or we BECOME them & that is not an irony I will allow to take me over. I have my empathy still and I am much better off w/ it than w/out it. We are too good and too wise to let ourselves be lowered to that level so we forgive but SHOULD NEVER FORGET. Forgetting is the problem b/c most ppl go on trying to forget the trauma instead of try to work it out and understand it so we can put it away and be done w/ it. I have studied psychology as well as people & their behavior for over 25 yrs in tracking all my mom's mental illnesses/ co-morbid bundle of insanity and by now, should really be a dr myself so I will say this: There is an interesting place betw the portals of psychology and Christianity that most ppl fail to see as they provide the same overall message: "KILL YOUR EGO/PRIDE b4 it kills you b/c 'pride goeth before a fall". This ain't no mild thing either. If only ppl could really understand while they're young how PROFOUND & IMPORTANT this biggest lesson of all time really, truly is. If we miss this one, we miss it all!!!!!!!!!!
I went very low contact with my narcistic mother about 10 years before she died and no contact the last 5. My sister the golden child knew i would not be helping with my mother. I took care of my dad the last month of his life with no help or even visit from said sister. All i felt was relief that the abuse was finally over. But she did get a few last digs in from the grave. I cannot even be around my sister without a panic attack. And have as little contact as possible.we have a younger brother. He was more unloved and ignored and being the oldest i was the scapegoat.
I will be 75 at the end of the month. My first husband was a narcissist and I stayed for 10 years. My second husband was not a full narcissist but had many of the same attributes. Never have I heard this explained so well. I was a happy person when I was young. Now I am riddled with many fears. I knew it was ptsd from years of abuse. If you’re young, listen and learn to heal!
I'm 68 & can't believe I'm in this mode. At 68 I too am exhausted. Pretty sure joy has to be out there. I live in constant fear. My body has broken down. I'm weak. I'm stuck. Thank you all
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago. Any time is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold. if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
Hyper Vigilance is me. This makes so much sense…… I can literally sabotage a relationship, just because I’m always waiting for “the other shoe to drop”
Somebody explained it, "felt like they were tied naked to a tree in the front yard, waiting until the narcissist appeared and started whipping him/her in front of the people in the neighborhood." Do you believe they can't see the problem, and they come back for more. Always, hypervigilant, mid-brain, always on waiting for the boom to be lowered. Sorry, can't sympathize anymore. Maybe empathize? 😮😮 💀 ☠️ 💀 ☠️ 🦴 💀 ☠️ 🦴 💀 ☠️ 🦴 💀 ☠️ Making themselves physically sick.
I just sat in my car in front of the grocery store and cried an ugly cry. The holidays are sad. I love my father. He's a covert narc. but he can't be in my life. And my mother is so toxic as well beside her husband. This is me. This is my cycle. I feel crazy a lot. I hate myself for my over emotionality. I hate how reactive I feel, and am. And everyone's like, you should forgive and move on and all of that kind of stuff. And friends say that I should be healed from this, that I'm not letting God heal me. I've never heard things said quite this way before. Thank you. I feel seen and understood in a way that even people who want to understand just can't. Thank you.
The second I really started to forgive was the second the Narc wormed their way back into my life. I'm not doing that again. I can be sympathetic to the fact that they themselves had their own trauma without me forgiving them. Forgiving the abuser made everyone else more comfortable while I stood in fire.
So many people have opinions when it isn't their story and journey. Even if they have gone through something, some are on a different leg of their journey and healing and might be in a sweet spot in life or have more of a support system in place where they feel safe. They often forget when they were in the middle of the storm, in pain, and feeling alone. I was praying to God to help me to understand more about forgiveness, justice, and feeling safe and trying to put together the pieces. I found a book called The Language of Deep Forgiveness that was insightful. There are two parts mentioned in forgiveness: letting go of the need to retaliate and letting go the expectation for restitution. I learned it is a process and still am working through putting together the pieces. The problem comes when you have experienced trauma and abuse, and people do not take the time to listen and to allow you to heal. They want to wrap things up in a neat little formula with their expectations as to how you should react, grieve, and heal. When they tell you, " You need to just ___". "Let it go". etc. It leads to feelings of invalidation, trivializing a matter, being dismissed, or shamed and feeling weak. Not everyone will get it, so we learn to find our small circle and safe community where we can safely share, listen, pray, and support one another.
This is spot on for me. I've been in a constant state of fight or flight. My husband of 20 yrs is a narcissist. I used to love life, I was always so full of joy, cheer, love, and such a zest for life, and now I'm a shell of who I used to be. I got very sick with lupus and when i couldn't cook and clean, or have sex, I was constantly blamed for everything I couldn't do instead of being helped and supported in any way. He even tried to give me $15,000 to leave bcuz I'm sick and can't do everything I used to. Now being disabled, depressed, and constantly talked down to, I'm stuck. It's like my brain is on high alert ALL the time and it keeps me up for several days at a time. People ask why I haven't left and it's simple, I can't afford to, and so I feel trapped and he uses that against me too. I feel like a caged animal with a broken spirit with no way out. Keep making these videos for the ones who r still strong enough and able to get out of their situation❤
The more I learn about this type of behavior the more it has set me free. But only when I accepted responsibility for letting them treat me this way. Then I got some power and could seem to move on. They will do to us what we allow them to do. Period. In essence we train them how to treat us. You can do this!! No better time than today!
@openureyes929 thank u for your encouraging words. B4 I met him and threw the 1st 10 years I was able to work full time at my boys school, and take care of literally everything (all he had to do is go to work and come home) but, then I got sick. I was always very independent and still continued to make my own money. Now, I'm stuck at home, sick and in pain most days, and instead of any kind of help or encouragement, it's always a verbal ass chewing about everything I didn't do and can't do. The 1k I get a month isn't enough to get out. I've never felt so trapped in my life and it's a really hard reality to deal with. I try everyday to figure out a way to get out, and I would even live in my car but I can't leave my kids. He goes for them when he can't get to me and until I can get us all out, I just have to get thru it one day at a time until an opportunity presents itself...
Take the 15.000$ and LEAVE. It's not getting any better. P.S. Many health issues get better after the narc abuse. Just look at the content creators. Many didn't look so good, when they started their channels, but really glowed up over time. After narc abuse you gave to heal and normally this is on your own...but it's getting easier over time and you gain strength.
My heart goes out to you. I am going through the same as you right now. I am stuck as well. After over 20 yrs of being abused he ended our relationship for someone younger but I still live on the same property as him. He inherited the property so it's his. I am meant to move but I can't afford it. Meanwhile he is being absolutely horrible and I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I'm expected to leave but I have nothing. I am disabled through illness. It's like he waited for me to get old and sick to throw me away after 20+ years.
I'm so glad that younger people have this knowledge these days. I knew nothing about narcissists when I was younger and it took my life away. But now everything is better because I got sick of it and prayed about it and feel way happier and stronger.
AGREED 💯!!! Iin 2003, I married a covert narcissist, and into a narcissistic family. Back then, nobody was talking about narcissism or emotional abuse. I knew something was wrong. There was always some sort of drama going on. It was 20 years of a constant battle with them, and I know that he wanted to break free from that, and saw me as an avenue for freedom, but he could never break away from his family. Nowadays, everyone is talking about narcissism, and how many peoples lives are being destroyed as a result of it. I am hoping that it won’t be too much longer before the courts will recognize this as abuse. Yes, it’s hard to prove however, there was a time when no one was even talking about this, so maybe there will be a time in the future Where there will be legal punitive damages charged in these walking pathologies! 😡
Even with all the knowledge of it existing out there, it is even for young as hard as the elderly to recognize them, especially when it is a parent we had no choice in. All the signs of trauma are nowadays still frequently misdiagnosed or judged on by surrounding people, we can explain and show youtube videos all we want but they will still never fully understand how much it affects personality and how crippling the fear can be if they didnt experience it.
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago. My brother is a Narcisitic Sociopath abuser , my mother was a Narcisist and I have a monkey brother. Friends, co-workers that were Narc's and I am NOW understanding these sicko's and abusers. Any time whether age 64 , 67 years or 94 years it is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold. Now, being empathic if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
I remember being in my stifling trifling relationship one day and the two of us were in a store. A couple in the line ahead of us were happy and playful. The contrast was so deep I vowed to get out and become myself Again. I see exactly what you mean. In real life I am an eternal cool spring of joy. I didn't know that was the executive frontal cortex. But you are so right about using a completely different part of your brain because when the stress is on I am 24/7 in reaction solution mode and without the stress I am in Eden. The contrast is as stark as the couple in front of me. I am still alone tho because I found that everyone has problems and most aren't aware of them and I'm just not interested in waking up to someone else's drama. I wake up alone and feel like it's Saturday morning everyday. I. Am. Freeeee
This was HUGE!! I just watched this. I was in a LTR with a covert narcissist 3+ years ago. Earlier this year, I very nearly committed suicide over the trauma I endured. Fortunately, I didn't. Now, I have a very healthy relationship with an incredible woman who has also survived being married to a narcissist for 28 years. We have a very open dialog about this and everything else that impinges on our relationship. Neither of us feel hyper-vigilant anymore. We actually do feel safe. Thank you for this insight...!
When your personality is entirely differently with your family and without, there's a problem. Took me ages to understand that. I knew I never felt safe being myself around them, and that they're overbearing and hostile, but had no vocabulary to put it into perspective until a few year a ago.
This woman knows what she is talking about!! I had to stop it several times to just sob in recognition of what I’d been through for 70 plus years of my life. The joy I felt the first time I REALLY laughed was life altering. I felt that after sooo very many years I had finally found ME. It felt so very good to have her back”home” in my heart.
@@SmearCampaignsAreEvil count yourself very blessed. We are all dealing with the narcs at work etc but few of us had a family where we felt loved and protected.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Been there done that. I am happily remarried to my first love for almost 10 years! He gave me time to recover and heal from my 28 year marriage to a narcissist.
I feel frozen and like a completely different person. I hardly leave my house because I have a unrealistic fear of people now. You really are describing me and I don’t know how to get help.
When I felt more frozen I sought out a trained bodyworker. Helped so much. Experienced in trauma she held sacred space and my tissue with a light touch, care and skill. Good verbal skills too. Research who is in your area and trust your instincts.
I suffered through abuse for many years. I had horrible anxiety and a lot of depression, I’ve been a Christian for 22 years, God has brought a lot of healing through the word of God and His love for me, it was a process though, there’s no quick fix, healing takes place every day & it’s on going. I’ve learned who I am in him, I speak the truth over my life very regularly, it took a long time to honestly believe I was worth anything, but to know I’m loved and wanted by my Heavenly Father has brought a lot of peace, joy and happiness. I know I’m still working through and I probably always will but I’m learning to create new ways of thinking and believing that I am worthy of love and kindness. This is a good video because it does explain well what trauma response looks like. For me having a relationship with Jesus Christ and believing who He says I am was life changing for me!! I’m so much more confident but I still have my days where I struggle and I just have to keep speaking life and truth over myself! Anyone reading this, you are loved!! You are worthy!!! You have purpose!
@@christinagrant3252 I really enjoy watching Kris Reece on TH-cam who has videos about identity in Christ as well as videos about coping with narcissists God's way. Her videos and community have really helped me. Sadie Robertson also has good videos too. Hope this helps. 😀
My daughter was abused by a narcissist who almost killed her twice. Then she went on to another guy whose mother is an absolute narcissist and drove her further into the hole. Thank you for your descriptions of the victim's personality. My daughter used to sing nonstop and now she never sings.
There is a special place in hell for people like them who mistreat people. I truly believe that. Rather it’s in this life or the afterlife - you have to answer for how you mistreated someone. I hope your daughter truly hears the music again. God bless.
After a year of weekly therapist sessions and my therapist said “It sounds like your husband used you”. That day I googled that phrase and what I found was information on covert narcissist and it was as though they had a camera in my life. What was described was spot on. They all use the same “ playbook “. It’s frightening how many there are in this world.
And your therapist didn’t catch on that he was a covert narcissist? You had to figure it out via google? God, therapists can be so unperceptive. Identifying the Covert NPD diagnosis would’ve helped you get answers sooner & find others who’ve had similar experiences.
I experienced narcissistic abuse by a covert narcissist. I was married to one for 6 years. I finally found the strength to get out of that marriage and never look back. I became a much stronger person after I found out that it was narcissistic abuse I was experiencing. I also found out that nobody and I mean nobody cared about me. I literally went through my healing process alone. I also realized that I had some narcissistic family members. Two of them were my parents. One thing narcissistic parents teach their children is to give everyone the benefit of a doubt. Don't ever teach your children to give everyone the benefit of a doubt. It will make them a narcissist's prey. It will destroy their life.
This is an eye opening comment. I always thought it was a good trait to give people the benefit of the doubt. Now I see that it was specifically taught to me in the context of teaching me freeze and fawn in response to the abusive behavior of one of my parents. This behavior made all the adults’ lives easier including the abuser. Flight and fight behavior brings overt conflict between abusers and abused. Freeze and fawn moves the conflict into the victim and results in the abuse victim blaming themselves. At least this has been my experience.
I have a freeze response to danger and this explains it, @@nursingassessments ...My mother would literally take anyone's word over mine to this day. A random stranger could come up to her and tell her something I had said five minutes ago and she will act like she's never heard it before. The message this sends is you have no authority, even over your own person...
You CAN get that part back. My mother was married to my father for 25 years (narc) and then remarried for another 20 something years to a guy who...I don't think he was a narc, but he was definitely someone she let walk on her and she shaped her life and interests around his because she was so used to having to be the passive person in her previous marriage. When he left, she was devastated (still is in some ways) but I've seen a whole new person come out in the last several years. She jokes in ways that I've NEVER in my life seen her do. Crazy to think that I'm 51 years old and just now seeing my own mother's TRUE personality.
@@rosemarie7816I’m crying, both from relief and sadness. I’m 31 weeks pregnant with our first child, and it’s like I’m nothing. I feel like your mom from 51 years ago. I can’t laugh, smile… nothing. It’s like I’m dead inside. I remember who I used to be, and I’m so afraid my daughter won’t even know… me. The real me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hope I figure this out somehow, because I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way out.
@@ashr8801 what I'm learning the hard way...1st order of business: make absolutely CERTAIN that you do not have to depend on him financially. Learn marketable skills, take care to build a career. $$ equals freedom. Take your time, be gentle on yourself because it's HARD to focus on a career and skills building when you're depressed, but also, it's your ticket out. New moms can do superhuman things, so I believe in you!
I remember the day after my ex got out of prison. I was out fishing with a friend and had a strong sense of foreboding. I told my friend about what I was feeling and she said, "Didn't Barry get out yesterday?" I said yes. Then she said, "Didn't you tell me that if you went out without him when you were married that you would be in trouble when you got home?" I knew what she was getting at and agreed that this was where the feeling of impending doom was coming from. And the feeling went away once the source was identified.
The walking on eggshells, months of rumination preventing sleep, telling myself- I am not the same person I once was, not being able to "feel" and believing it was me . All the result of a skilled covert narcissist! The relief I feel knowing it wasn't ME and being able to label every incident with a term was life changing. Still working on ME, but so much better!
Michele, I have to say how calming your voice and words are, to this broken, broken soul. I’m in a constant frozen state of terror and depression, I can’t work due to this and physical disability now later In my 45 year old life. I can barely leave the house. I shudder every time I hear a noise or a family member walks through my room. It’s not normal. I feel like I have nowhere to go to shut it all out & feel safe. The one who injured me on a soul level for 16 years is not too long removed from my life - I know I have a long way to go. I feel like a child. I’m terrified for my future. I hate being a burden to my family. It’s been dark - but today listening to your voice brought me more comfort and understanding, than you’ll ever know. Thank you
I am the daughter of a narcissist mother and was married to a narcissist husband so I ended up spending the first 50 years of my life being depressed, frightened and totally exhausted all the time. This is the first time I have heard about how my personality changed as a result of this trauma and I thank you, Michele, for opening my eyes. I have studied narcissism and learned, mostly through examining my own life, the traits and causes of narcissism but I've never really understood how it changed me. I do know that it has been through a spiritual awakening that I have been freed from much guilt and shame and have learned that I am loved unconditionally by Spirit. Thank you so much for this video!
Sounds a lot like my story. People think I'm really chill in a crisis, but I think it may be more like I don't access my emotions readily and always have to process them later. That's what living with narcissists all my life has done to me. ❤
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago. My brother is a Narcisitic Sociopath abuser , my mother was a Narcisist and I have a monkey brother. Friends, co-workers that were Narc's and I am NOW understanding these sicko's and abusers. Any time whether age 64 , 67 years or 94 years it is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold. Now, being empathic if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
“Anyone that has been through it will be like, Michelle, I get it..I hear you..” ..absolutely right. For anybody that has never been through this, I’m sure it must sound crazy and completely baffling. But for those that have been through it, listening to you speak is like listening to our own minds. It just makes sense, and we get you.. 🙏🏻
“The people that inflict narcissistic abuse are the usually the people that you expect to love you and to be there for you so it’s awful to have to go through.” Wow. Thank goodness for the awareness of it!!! Everything stops with you. You can voice it, stand up & love you & walk away from anyone who causes you to forget your entire personality your light & laughter, whether a parent a partner a coworker anyone. Nobody can escape law of nature. Time teaches every human.
After leaving the narc, I came home to live with my daughter and grandson. I was constantly asking permission to do every small task. Finally, my daughter told me I didn't have to ask permission for anything or be afraid to make decisions. I had lost all confidence, due to his extreme control.
My adoptive mum is like this - frets over stuff like sending texts to a teenage nephew on his birthday and asks about the wording to put in flowers being ordered for gifts. It's sad.
I just can't believe I'm not the only woman going through this. I'm constantly saying I'm sorry or asking to stupid things. I just don't feel worthy of anything or capable to make my own decisions.
Yes, my son had to keep saying to me, "You can buy something for yourself, mom, you don't need to hide purchases. You are allowed to go out and enjoy yourself."
My mouth dropped and I started crying when you said you went for so long without laughing. That’s what I feel also and you don’t realize how lonely it is 😢
I notice that I'm also not smiling anymore since I'm connecting to a man who seems so decent and civil but again feel hurt and disrespected because he is quiet for days. I exoressed my confusion and to my surprise he suggested to call me to talk about it. He wasn't annoyed or angry and said if it's not working for me I csn always tell him and he would try to change the frequency of meeting. He travels for work etc. He explained it but I also feel like he is reserved in person. We kissed hugged but he is not cuddling much. After our call I thought he might be genuine and I felt positive about it again. Two days later he texted "how are things going?" I replied and asked how his week was going with work. No reply and this was 3 days ago I try to focus in my goals and I'm calm now but last weekend before his call I was so upset that I started to hyperventilating. I really wonder if I'm again dealing with some form of manipulation or is just me accepting little. I'm already a bit attached. The idea of cutting off contact makes me feel so unhappy. So I wait......until he texts and if I keep feeling hurt or unppreciated tell him it's better to leave it at that. How do I know if it's my own trauma response or if I'm indeed not valued like I deserve. I do make progress after seeing a coach who explained about nerve system and when I feel pain of rejection or stress that someone is gone, i will tell myself: ok strong emotions atm but it will come and go. Swimming is my refuge to relax.
This makes alot of sense.... somedays I go out in public doing normal mundane errands and I feel like I am surrounded by rude, nasty people everywhere I go. It's like I can feel the collective energy or something. It gets exhausting having to deal with it I end up avoiding going outside alltogether.
I am the same, I go grocery shopping late a night when there’s less people, if I hear people walking past my house, I close the window. I just cannot stand people, I also find them rude and fake. I’d rather be surrounded by nature and animals
Thank you so much for posting this. It’s so validating. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse and also being autistic, it has been so hard being stuck in survival mode. I just started somatic breathwork classes and it is helping me feel and process all that stuck trauma in my body. I’m beginning to realize just how much love and soothing my body has been in need of all my life.
@@paulneal7495 it’s so funny you say that because I just recently watched a video that made some points about how we can be more susceptible because when we read social cues wrong, we’re told why and expected to edit our behavior to fit the norm. And even though we don’t understand it we often listen so we can fit in. Narcissists can use that kind of thinking to their advantage by telling us abusive behavior is healthy and normal behavior.
As someone who works with neurodivergent thinkers, I believe Autism/ADHd can make one more susceptible to narcissists because there can be a tendency to “overcompensate for our imagined deficiencies”. So if there has been a history of not fitting into the norm, or of feeling less than our neurotypical peers, there is often the belief that something’s wrong or off, and it’s more evidence of how it’s probably because we’re “different”. When you have one person believing that they are deficient, and another who is literally incapable of seeing deficiencies in themselves…Presto, a match made in heaven (or not). One person looking through the “our struggles must be my fault lens”, and the other person looking through the “nothing’s my fault lens”. 😏 It works until it doesn’t. Until you learn about the dynamic and see what’s been going on.
@@shaunroney414 oof that explains so much. 😮💨 My mom and ex-husband are both narcissists, and I only recently came to understand I’m autistic, so a lot of puzzle pieces are finally falling into place. This was very insightful and helpful. Thank you.
I lived my entire life feeling like I was completely out of whack due to childhood narcissistic abuse. I could tell that others either treated me like I was weird or easy to take advantage of. Knowing this, I tried to compensate by trying to act normal while searching everywhere to find a way to heal internally. A few years ago, I started Neurofeedback therapy, which has completely changed my life. I feel happy, confident and optimistic for the first time since early childhood. Now I’m able to see trauma in others and respond with compassion, rather than feeling like I’m the only one who’s “damaged”.
My husband has to remind me to cry and I still can’t. It does bubble up out of nowhere sometimes and usually in inappropriate settings. But not being able to cry normally is so oddly painful.
Of 5 siblings, I was the only one without a college degree. Yet by age 25 I was promoted to AVP of a bank, owned my own home, and a new car. One sibling sent me a letter telling me that I was not living up to my potential because I had made bad decisions in my life. She could not stand to see me succeed and had to remind me that I was just a loser like I was told my entire life.
I have been in a narcisist relationship for 25 months and only realised it now. We don't live in the same town, I went to visit him to see how we get along for 2weeks, 24/7. The signs mentioned in this video, is spot on, thank you. He is a highly intelligent man and very clever, but chauvinistic and selfish in all ways. I almost made a move to his town, even went for an interview at a recruitment company there. Believe in your sixth sense, it never lies! Believe in yourself and move on, I am. It hurts badly, but I can do this.
Married 50yrs to a Covert Narc! I am 71. I have had many therapists and NONE of them knew about the kind of therapy that I needed!? Now my health is broken😢, multiple autoimmune diseases. Your advice is way too late!!! Yes, that breakdown has happened!😢
You do know there is an after life right? You are going some where after this it is not to late that is just a trick of the enemy but you have to agree with it its your choice if you want to throw it all away I am 64 and under went extrem conditioning from day one in my life You would be shocked if you knew my life up until just a few years ago when I was given to choice to quit wanting a better life or not my one brother committed suicide and the other is a homeless thug my mom died at age 54 screaming with fear as her life slipped out of her body You should really think about your statement of it's way to late you are wrong
Marriage of 40 years. Same, physical and mental collapse, change, trauma. Horrific. Husband died almost 1 1/2 years niw, I'm stuck. Can't put myself back together. Years of therapy, no one understood this syndrome years ago and treatment was centered around it being my fault. It was more harmful than helpful. 67 years old and trying to figure it out again.
Also, people that have not experienced this type of abuse DO NOT UNDERSTAND the symptoms we live with (I.e., severe anxiety and depression, lack of self-esteem, isolating, turning down invitations, etc. etc.). That makes it even harder. They give/make what they believe are helpful advice and suggestions. They simply do not understand!
@@lorendaaltenbern4988 I noticed people who never been through this feel so comfortable saying " just leave". It's only been 1 day of no communication and I had a dream about her, my dreams about her were always negative. Always about her turning her back on me, entertaining others and being so nonchalant about it, belittling me. This was before I even started realizing what this was. After I saw the situation for what it was the dreams started getting agressive. I'm no dream expert and some people believe in dreams being signs of things in our waking life while others do not but my dreams started being about dogs attacking me or just violence against me even tho she came back tryna be all sweet and pretending she wanted to fix things. Dreams of signs of danger and betrayal. I feel good now but watching the subject last night triggered me and I didn't even know it was that serious. I thought I'd be perfect once we were done. I don't avoid my feelings, I do inner work but I needed to get away from her to truly start over.
Some of us do - but we are turned away and made the “enemy” when we do. The narc seals you off from the rest of us and even if we DO understand we are covertly threatened by both the narc and the frightened victim. Get out when you can. Just leave.
I’m actually going through a recovery now. I didn’t know it, couldn’t put my finger on it, but after some reflection and seeing what causes personalities like mine, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been around covert narcissists pretty much my whole life. I come from a family where everyone is constantly working an angle or stabbing someone in the back. This has helped me so much. Thank you!
I feel you. It's exhausting & soul destroying having your family members constantly working you like Walter White. Even if you stand up to them for a while, they're so persistent with it that they just wear you down & even though you can see it happening, you fall into the same pattern again. I recently finished with yet another family member & realised have to cut of the whole thing, or I'll always be dragged back in to the drama.
Same here. It’s weird though, I know what I need to do but struggle with letting go. “Journey” is the correct word along with non-linear…I am trying to not beat myself up when I take 2 steps back - being empathetic is hard to go cold turkey, eh?!
@@tmf403 I’ve been struggling with it for the last several years. And still do some days. I have to continue to remind myself that these people do not recall me as a person they love or once loved, as I do them. I have to remember that they view me as a thing to be controlled and manipulated. And the so-called fond memories were jokes at my expense that I never got until I’d been away from them.
@@jamesmccarthy6764 I had a breakthrough last week. I always thought this person had power over me until I said “no” like I meant it. I was not rude but I was firm. They tried a number of tricks but I never budged. It was very liberating. I learned to not set out to hurt them because they don’t feel pain like we do. They will do it to themselves when they realize that you are no longer their dancing monkey.
Girl you are 💯 % on point. Especially when you don’t laugh anymore or do what you normally like to do or even be around anyone just so that you’re not always on edge because of what you may be accused of or what you might be told after you’re behind closed doors with the abuser.
It's so important to educate ourselves about the narcissist's sneaky tactics and be mindful of any red flags in our relationships! Trusting our instincts can be a powerful shield against their manipulation. Remember, setting strong boundaries and practicing self-care are essential! Stay safe and take care, beautiful souls!
This slapped me so hard. I have been walking on egg shells for almost a year. I have been living in fear of my wife always expecting something bad to happen. I am slowly recovering from her narcissistic abuse.
Wym expecting something bad to happen? Like she's assuming you're doing something bad or accusing you of lying? Or she's paranoid, expecting something bad to happen/expecting someone to her? There's a big difference the two, you know.
I am happy for you that you endured only a year. I was emotionally abused by my sister for decades and at age 70, I was finally free to go no contact due to my parents both passing. I no longer had to tolerate her abuse to protect my parents. No matter who and how long it’s tough to recover. Best wishes to you.
In my house, someone is always going to be in danger, but since he warned you, it's your own fault. My 15-year-old hasn't had much of a life, and neither has the dog, that has never been on a walk, or really played in the yard because he thinks she will run away. When I call her she comes. After 23 years, I finally filing for a divorce. I pray Father sends me a loving person who LOVES HIM and loves me like Christ LOVES the church.
You nailed this! I am a 60 years old and 10 years ago I hooked up with this exact situation. Every stage you talked about was spot on. This all drove me to loose myself and it took years to reclaim me. I think the worst part is you start to really doubt yourself, and from there the mental health starts to crumble and then the body. I am a survivor🙏🏼🥰
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago. My brother is a Narcisitic Sociopath abuser , my mother was a Narcisist and I have a monkey brother. Friends, co-workers that were Narc's and I am NOW understanding these sicko's and abusers. Any time whether age 64 , 67 years or 94 years it is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold. Now, being empathic if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
No wonder I was always so defensive with everyone over the slightest thing and, especially, the tone of voice. If anyone had what I perceived as "an attitude" it irritated me very easily and quickly I became very defensive and angry. My mother, may God rest her soul 😪🙏, would say to me "I don't know what the heck she did to you but I'm not your enemy! WE'RE not your enemy!" I haven't been ME in years but the more I learn the better I understand. I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Thank you!
I lived with an abuser for 6 years. I finally got out and the pandemic hit, and, being disabled and high-risk, was trapped alone for 4 years in isolation. A lot of good came from those 4 years of being alone and out of the abusive relationship. I healed and discovered old parts of myself. However, I had not *actually* healed the trauma-- the isolation just removed all triggers for it without actually deliberately addressing and unlearning the bad stuff. I attempted to go back into the world and was shocked when suddenly all these CPTSD symptoms hit again, harder than before. It's because it was still IN my body, like you said. After accidentally opening these wounds, I almost had a breakdown and finally started to examine what was wrong. I thought I only had to get away from the abuser and I would heal like a cut heals. But it's more like you have to reset a broken bone.
Thanks so much! Literally thought it was just me who felt like I had a different personality. People would say, “oh you’re so quiet and nice” and I would literally want to scream at them who I really am.❤
I was with a narcissist for 6 years and finally left in 2013 when my son was 2 and it was the hardest thing Ive ever done. I had to move in with my grandma and I told her do not let me go back to him no matter what. I had no money, no job, and my son. I am still trying to heal from it to this day.
You may have saved my life with this video. I've been stuck in this hypervigilent state for years. It's so overwhelming and unsafe to not feel okay in your own body. I question everything and felt like I was the only one doing this.
My common speech was " I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you"...I got to a point of no comment when asked for an opinion....just mind blowing. Forever in the dogbox . Thank you for this uplifting information
So true! When I separated, I finally learnt to belly laugh again! That alone was medicine for my soul💛 When we block out/ignore our 4F response, we have to learn to trust ourselves again. Actually, I am relearning how to listen properly to people when conversing. I used to "shut off" subconsciously as a coping mechanism. I feel so FREE to be the person I was created to be!
Before I discovered and finally accepted that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, I often wondered if I had some brain trauma specifically to my frontal cortex. It took me years to figure out her diagnosis and then once I did, and it took me over a year to be assured, that, yes, that is her diagnosis… but it was like the sun came out! All of my behaviors and reactions and feelings finally made sense, and for the past couple years I’ve been working diligently on healing. In addition, I’ve been single for close to five years now because I had to figure out what was going on with me and why I was attracted to certain types of men, before I can have a healthy relationship. Thank you so much for the time you put into this, and I am looking forward to joining your group in a couple months!
I used to jump up from a chair if my ex husband walked into the room. I wasn’t “allowed” to sit. I was to clean the “right” way. I didn’t chew my food the right way. I didn’t look like I did when I was thirty. I was “annoying.” I used to hide in the barn with my daughter’s horses because I felt real empathy from them. Every night I went to bed I feared he would wake me up and physically abuse me because the towels were crooked or the sink wasn’t cleaned right. I still have nightmares thirteen years after he discarded me, then proceeded to stalk me, getting joy from seeing me scared.
Ah, the treacherous journey of navigating life with a narcissistic mother and a narcissistic spouse. Their constant need for validation and control seemed to drain every ounce of warmth and vitality from my being, leaving me feeling cold and empty. The emotional toll was immeasurable, and anxiety, stress, and tension became unwelcome companions in my daily existence. But amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope emerged when I discovered the power of mindfulness and the miraculous 4-7-8 breathing technique. Through the simple act of being present and focusing on my breath, I found a sanctuary within myself. The once overwhelming waves of anxiety began to recede, stress loosened its grip, and the knots of tension slowly unraveled. This newfound practice of mindfulness and the 4-7-8 breathing technique transformed my world, allowing me to reclaim my emotional well-being. It granted me the power to rise above the suffocating grip of narcissistic projection and rediscover the joy of simply feeling better. In the midst of chaos, I found peace, and in the face of adversity, I found resilience. And for that, I am forever grateful. Moreover, I have been able to regain some of my hobbies back and actually enjoy them once again. The weight of constant criticism and control no longer stifles my creative spirit. Painting, writing, dancing, and indulging in arcade video games have become sources of solace and self-expression. Engaging in these activities brings me a sense of fulfillment and reminds me of the person I am beyond the confines of narcissistic influence. With each stroke of the brush or pen, with every graceful movement of my body, and with every thrilling game I conquer, I reclaim a part of myself that was once lost. These hobbies have become my refuge, allowing me to cultivate joy and find solace in the midst of the chaos. They remind me that I am more than the roles I play in the narcissistic dynamic, and they empower me to embrace my own identity and reclaim my sense of self. In the face of narcissistic forces that seek to diminish and control, I have found a way to rise above and rediscover my passions. Through mindfulness, breathing, and the pursuit of my hobbies, I am reclaiming my life and finding joy once again. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Congratulation🎉🎉🎉 I envy you a little bit, but I am on the way also. It is so so satisfying to realize, there is a way out into the Light, and I feel so blessed, that it was shown me and that I have now the support and encouragement which was denied me as a child from my ohne mother, then from a spouse and now from my adult child. I bathe in gratefullness and thankfulness to finally heal from all this narcissistic crap. Thank you for sharing your healing-path. Greetings and love from Nuremberg ❤❤❤
5 Years this side of 19 years of that, I still have yet to become who I was before all of this. I am STILL cleaning up the deep financial mess she purposely created. I am MUCH better, but I am still not there. I have been trying to notice and stop the incredibly nasty self talk ! I have been 100% ghost all of this time, and she STILL creates legal issues and clandestine ways of attempting to goad me. Do they EVER die ??!! Karma is a myth for sure... LOL
Excellent to read ,, I had a similar experience, after the narc discard I was broken shell of a man , discovered Wim hof breathing , mindful practice and then really got into meditation, what a life changing experience, rediscovering myself , my self awareness and starting a new life now , understanding it all a lot more now I have learned about narcissism too , realise her patterns , and my own
After he left the home, it took me three months just to find the vocabulary to explain to myself what I had just endured. It was horrific. That was my first step. Finding words to explain it to myself. It was such a sad time. Took a very long time to get to where I am now and I’m still in need of more recovery from his abuse.
Wow, you nailed it. After 30 years of malignant narcissistic abuse. I, too was always a happy person once. A random act of kindness on my part cost me 30 years of abuse. I finally had the courage to leave...5 years ago. Still, your video hust described me now...I rarely leave my home. Unfortunately being locked in on my property for the last 7 years instilled an odd comfort in being alone. My alarm blades still. I'm tired but way better without the constant shaming & gaslighting. Thank you.
This totally resonates with me. 25 years ago I left the narcissist. I was in therapy for several years I had a 3 year old and I became so positive and I was manifesting whatever I wanted. I was in such a great place. Several years later I was diagnosed with Cancer. I was positive through it, but it wrecked havoc on my body and part of my mind. Fast forward after my recovery and years later, I went to work for another company and I spent 3 years with a narcissistic boss and co-worker who tagged teamed me. There was back stabbing coworkers all around me and it brought me all those feelings back of 20 years ago and this time I am having a hard time getting over this. It was personal but it also hit upon my professional career. Imagine being in your profession for 35 years and being a pillar of my profession who tore me down. Created all types of gossip and just craziness around me. I released myself from that position eight months ago, and I’m still not recovered. I feel that narcissistic personalities will always find me and because of that I’m becoming almost a recluse. Thank you for helping me understand why I feel the way I do.
You're me practically. Being tag teamed at every job bullying team sport style. I just don't work. I stay home all day spend zero money and am around zero people. The pandemic was a good thing. It got me used to isolating. Anyone I've met here in florida (here 5 years) new friends are ALL FRICKEN NARCS! I get a load of their crap and dump em. I'm very happy having no manufactured chaos in my home.
This explains why I find socializing so exhausting. There was a time when I felt freer, more open and connected. Now it takes a lot of pep talk and recovery to go do things with others.
Being a guy that has a lifetime of covert narcissists i will tell you that i respond the same way to them all. I miss work, drink too much, nothing is enjoyable anymore. They are sneaky. They see what it is i empathize with and thats where they start getting their conflict supply. They know how to give just enough to keep you stuck on hope. Its a relationship that never breaks even. I swore i'd never get in another one after leaning what they are and i just ended one after 4 months. And this time i learned exactly where i went wrong. Trust your gut in the beginning and cut it off.
I think this can also be the case for someone with high sensitivity ADHD, high functioning autism, intense anxiety/social anxiety and OCD. The feeling you aren't "right" and you "should" know how to be "normal" it can get worse and worse and you end up exactly as you describe. Even with caring loving parents if society or others we love reject us or we can't cope with normal every day things you end up feeling hyper vigilant ultra critical all the time.
I have these same issues, too, though unsure about autism. It is such a struggle as I really don’t have a support system or family. My heart goes out to you
I also am coming to terms with these issues as well. For years I didn't understand what the issues were. Now I need to learn to adapt. God bless you all who suffer and i pray it gets better!
I can totally relate. I have OCD/BPD and am an HSP. I recently broke off a toxic friendship with my next door neighbor and she came at me like my narc mother would have. I have been mortified for the past month (I felt her child was in danger from her narc family members and the kid's father who has been on every drug out there/mentally unstable/chronic liar, so I called CPS to have it on record if something ever happened to the little boy) terrified she was going to scream at me. So much so, I didn't leave my apartment for well over a month. It's not that the friend was a narc, it's how her behavior throughout the friendship made me feel like I didn't matter and when she used me as a therapist, it triggered so many things. Including my inability to set boundaries. I am exhausted after that ordeal.
Before I found out that I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother I was diagnosed with ASD. Now I am pretty sure I was misdiagnosed. I met one of the basic traits, an extreme difficulty to approach others and make friends -actually I have none and I am happy alone. But overall I think if I am so private and secluded it's because I learned it in my childhood as a survival strategy before the cold shoulder my mother always gave to me when I dared to show my emotions.
I did not know I was depressed and anxious, cause I grew up with these feelings. It was normality for me. Whith a covert narcissistic parent, i never mattered,and was mentally manipulated in every way since early childhood. I never understood how people could be so relaxed and comfortable. But I learnt how to mimic it. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't know why. Now I'm in my fifties,and have finally worked through this. It's been a struggle, and a lot of aha moments. Learning to know who I really am ,under all the trauma ,was a long road to travel. It almost took a Lifetime, but I'm finally here, smiling.
You are so correct..I absolutely knew all through the 21 years that I am structurally sound - if I could just remove that one factor I could rediscover all those lost pieces of me and make friends with them again. But we had a premmie baby and I pretended, planned and waited until my child was in high school until I made my move. Being stuck in covid lockdown financially supporting your abuser who refuses to do any work is a whole thing. Nine years it took from when I said “enough” to when it was finally over. And I knew I could start to heal, but wow you have to be very gentle and not force it. I am safe but am a different version of me, but my joy and creativity are peeking through 👀
This is really useful. I would also add that recovery from this sort of relationship - whether it was a parent, co-worker, boss or partner - does take some time. It’s a fantastic feeling when you finally get off the “crazy train” and start being able to access your executive brain again because you no longer experience daily trauma. Great work 👍🏻
WOW!! It was my therapist that led me to water and made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship, and more than likely I was the one being abused by a covert narcissist. My therapist recommended a book to me "In sheep's clothing" When I read the book I saw my life unfold on almost every page. It was more like getting hit with a bolt of lightening than a lightbulb going off.
@@josephineananda Bless you for recommending a book that I know helped me understand something that I had never even heard of before. (Covert Narcissism) I'm sure it has helped others open their eyes and just to become aware. The book helped me to make sense of behavior and things I honestly missed. I was blinded by love of someone who basically detested everything about me. It helped me accept the cold hard truth. I was a fool.
Dear Lord, I'm so glad I found this channel. I've been researching narcissistic abuse for almost a year now via YT, and THIS is the one that seems to be spot on for me. I've been going down the rabbit hole on this channel for a few hours, and I can't thank you enough, Michele. Totally subscribed. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of me.
Good, everything she says is true. 17 years of marriage for me totally confused. Divorced 30 years now, but I didn’t know when I was in it what was happening to me. Only looking back can I recognise all of it. Then, my son married one and sadly took his life last year 😢he believed something wrong with him 😢
I had a covert narcissistic mother and at the age of 43 I decided to go no contact with her. It has only been 4 months of no contact and it feels like I will never heal. It is like I've been stuck in that mid brain survival mode my whole life. This video helped point that out to me and that I don't need to be stuck in it. Thanks for making this video. Knowledge is power and the more I know the more I can hopefully grow and heal.
I understand where your coming from, I'm the same age & similar background ❤ You might find psychologist Jay Reid on TH-cam really helpful too. Wishing you every success in your healing 😊
Stay no-contact and you will continue to heal, love. It's not easy. It'll feel like an uphill battle. And it will not happen over night (unfortunately). Little by little, you will heal. You will rediscover stuff you forgot about yourself and I guarantee you'll feel joy like a little kid on Christmas every time. There are all kinds of TH-camrs on here who cover narcissism, use them. Find a great support group in your life. There are brighter days ahead!
Having an NPD mother is difficult to maintain no contact. My aging mother keeps roping me back in to help. Her husband died, she had horrible Covid, her dog died, her sister died. I’ve done my best to maintain my boundaries, I’m a strong, successful 54 year old woman for crying out loud. But every time she texts me, my body goes into full trauma response. It’s like kryptonite. I hope your no contact works better than mine. Only daughters of NPD mothers can understand. Stay strong!
I was married to one, and trust me, I never once thought I was the problem. I knew it was him, but life was very stressful to say the least. My other marriage my first husband was bi-polar, and very abusive. Now I don't put up with anything from anyone, I stand my ground period. I'm finally in a normal wonderful relationship. Praise God. 🙏 You have to let it go, forgive them, then you can heal. They have demonic spirits in them, and they seek out good kind spirits, to try and destroy their light within, because we have something they dont have.
"You are not depressed, lazy or unmotivated. You have lived so long in survivor mode that you are exhausted. There's a difference." The person who wrote this statement is an angel. My sister sent me this very same statement at a time when I was really depressed and shaming myself. At that time, I didn't realize that I was suffering from CPTSD. I have been married to a covert narcissist for 21 years, together for 26; I have just recently been enlightened on his narcissism and the abuse that I have suffered over the years. The sad thing is that I had been clueless for so long. He is still clueless about it, (of course he's perfect). I LEFT HIM 7 weeks ago and already feel so much better, lighter! I am now in my own place, doing WHAT I want, watching WHAT I want on TV, (I also have FULL control the remote control)🥰 eating what I want, when I want. I feel like it's almost heaven, and have a new man (he only meows) 😻If anyone is suffering from this type of trauma, run as fast as you can to your freedom! It's worth it; YOU are worth it... What Michele says is spot on. Make your days brighter; feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair...GO AND MAKE YOUR SERENITY! Peace
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
@dhd-00 Thankyou! I couldn't articulate this.I just had this dawning of horror AND terror, exactly like in a slasher movie. They never know their victims, why would they bother? I'll say this the next time some well-meaning, pious person explains to me how, "it takes two to make it work, you have a responsibility too you know"...
"They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain." makes Abrahamic faiths sadly seem entirely male-centric narcissistic in their treatment of women.
I haven't lived with my stepdad in almost 20 years and I'm still stuck with every symptom you named. I don't relate to people who go to events or parties for fun because I'm too anxious and critical of myself. This makes me so sad because I feel robbed of having had a life. Thank you for making this video
‼️ I’m crying. I’ve never heard ANY of the experts explain it like this. I just want to be myself again. It feels like torture. Thank you so much for this! Just being able to relate with all you’ve shared feels somewhat healing… I know there’s plenty of deeper work to do.
Laughing again is a true thing- and it’s more about knowing it’s okay to laugh again or sing again. I even quit singing. It’s just being stuck in fear.
This describes the reason why the pain is constant, the fear is constant, 24 7, we are living in a hyperalert - panic danger state. You nailed this feeling. Its fear in the pit of your stomach.
My first memories began when I was in a highchair and we were at my aunt's house and she was locking me into the chair. Ever since that moment I have been me, and no one or nothing I have ever lived through changed me from being in the moment I woke up into that very day. I've always been me in every moment since then and no matter what I have gone through or live through has never changed that fact whatsoever. I've always been observing and have never been able to be wavered off my path.
I couldn't go to a therapist. I couldn't afford to and I couldn't afford for him to find out. So, I've had to use books and TH-cam. I discovered this about 9 years ago. It might have taken longer to do it this way, but I'm finally getting to a much better place and getting stronger and more my true self everyday. I am so glad this is recognized now and people are talking about it.
And yes this is me. I don't remember how really laughing feels. But I will get thru this. 13 years of intense abuse w my wife cheating w several exes and lying like a pro etc. Thank you for the video
Hello Thrivers!! For anyone that resonates with this... if you have found yourself watching video after video and yet still feel stuck OR if you've tried several different video courses and just can't seem to feel like you've broken through the traumatized personality that narcissistic abuse ingrains in you - then I'd like to invite you to Thrivers School of Transformation - this is a monthly membership where we meet LIVE on zoom and we do the inner work TOGETHER!!! I'll leave the link here for anyone that wants to check it out and see if it's a good fit for you: www.micheleleenieves.com/school-of-transformation
This looks really effective. It's difficult to explain & grasp not being able 2 trust our own thoughts & minds. Some people are unhealed getting into relationships & dragging the damage to others. I shared, thank you. Some people like the unhealed version of us better..
Can you recommend me to realtor in la Paz or San Felipe?
Is the format for your teaching videos captioned at least auto captioned like they are where on TH-cam? I’m clinically deaf
Wow. I am stunned. I am nearly 63 and I finally know what was wrong with my mother. I knew there was something but didn't know what.
Sadly I don't even remember who I was before the trauma started 😕
Michelle, I host a TH-cam channel regarding estrangement. I wonder if we could connect and discuss you being a guest to discuss this and other things. Please let me know, I think it would be great to discuss and for my listeners to hear your take and help them to cope with their situation.
Someone said, "you are not depressed, lazy or unmotivated. You have lived so long in survivor mode that you are exhausted. There's a difference."
WOW !!! I needed to hear that now !! THANK YOU !!!
That’s so true
@@pamelasimmons1689 Bless you🙏🏻
So true. Even when the anxiety and depression were gone, what I felt was tired all the time.
Amen
1) self-abandonment 2) toxic shame 3) harsh inner critic 4) social anxiety 5) emotional flashbacks
All of the above
i suffer from only 2
All
All five but also throw in artificial arrogance.
Yep. all of the above and ended up with DID on top of it
Decision making... holy... molé. Flashbacks. Hyper-vigilant. Hyper-alert. Dread. Failure. Memory. Panic. Fear. Overthinking. Fight/Flight. Trauma responses. Wow. No relaxing.
Yeah I have or have had all of this.
And a response for this list is avoidance. You try to start to avoid everything that can trigger these modes.
YES!!!
Yep that's what I'm going through just got away from him well after he left me for dead and is just now finally in jail as of last Friday after 3 years of what he put me through. I don't know how to get through this
Yes. Emotional flashbacks are keeping me from doing things I've loved before. Your list is spot on. I feel mentality hijacked.
My therapist told me I was trauma bonded, and it makes sense now.
Only people who have gone through this could EVER understand this. This is what I go through on a daily basis, and I had no idea that the abuse changes our brain functions.
So true. My emotions just shift. One minute iam ok the next a sense of deep sadness overwhelms me and I really don't know what to do.😢
So true what you said. No one understands what it’s like. That why it’s so hard to explain👍🙃
@@auxilliamulenga5421 true
Absolutely 😞!
Me too .Try to get helpt but noone understand the impact in brain and survival mode.
Born into a narcissistic family.
I never knew what “normal “ is.
It is extremely hard to break the cycle, when the cycle is all you know.
I hear you completely. Same here. I than married my partner, who did not know that there was something else in live than a loving family. I came to faith in Christ when I was 19 and He has healed me from trauma. Nevertheless I had to surrender to a process of reprogramming my mindset. My normal is based on the Bible and everytime the old pops up, God and my husband directed by Him, correct me. A tough process, but I am changing more and more.
I got made homeless during my exams so although it took a long time it was too hard to ignore in the end...Will say that was 17 years ago and it's taken that long.
My bros and sisters are still stuck in the cycle with no clue they are actually in it.
@@StevenLewis-z6c I was stuck in the cycle until about 43yo when I had a major breakdown and had to go to the hospital a few time.
My father has passed, he never too a single ounce of responsibility putting it all on me.
I don’t have contact with my mother by choice. She refuses to take any responsibility as well.
They showed zero compassion, respect or anything for me other than disappointment.
I’m honestly better off without them.
If I had it to do over again i would have left as soon as I could and never looked back.
Same here. Never knew normal and have attracted them my whole life.
I know😢, I understand
Married 48 yrs also went from severe childhood abuse to a narcissist abuse in marriage so I'm 67 and just understanding what has been done to me my husband is divorcing me because I won't let him abuse me anymore I'm so glad to be able to watch this video it helps to know what is actually happening in my mind and body thank you for this
Similar experience.
Susan - I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through, in childhood & adulthood. My experiences have been like yours in a lot of ways. Please know things will get better [coming from someone who’s 6 yrs out of the divorce]. ❤
How did you survive that my daughter was in a narc relationship for 2 years and the destruction of her life is so much of a disaster.
Your daughter is lucky to have you.
❤
I was absolutely devastated when I put the puzzle pieces together that narcissistic abuse was happening at home. I felt alone and isolated and made out the villain because I spoke out against the narcissist! It is literally psychological warfare
Same. It was also a bit of a relief cause the awareness finally gave me a reason to be indifferent and not powerless.
I feel the same and when I was a child (1 of 7) I was the 'black sheep' because I often didn't toe HER line
Spiritual warfare.
That psychological warfare is no joke. I just left a week ago and having to navigate being truthful and not to seem crazy or erratic and making right choices for the children when a lot of people that know him don't know at all how abusive it is. It's terrifying. It's like playing a game of chess where you're children's lives are dependent on you being the victor but never even seen a chess board before let alone know the rules. God help us
Loss of memory is the one that bothers me the most. There are sections of my adult life I can't remember, significant events that happened in my life the close friends and family will talk about that I should remember but I have no memory of. I don't think I'm explaining it well, not sure if it makes any sense.
The “never laugh” was spot on for me after surviving childhood with 2 narcissistic parents. But at 28 I married a man who made me laugh every single day from the day we met until the week he died. That was a huge factor in deciding to marry him. What a gift!❤
So sorry for ur loss. Sometimes after the peak of happiness there is nothing left to experience i guess so then comes a full stop. Hope u can find happiness again. Saying out of experience… peace…
Both your parents were narcissist. How does that work?
@@aliya303 Thank you. Wishing you well.
@@RandyTucker Not well. Father would rage so it was a childhood walking on eggshells. Mother was life-long victim-children’s job was to constantly serve, reassure her, protect from Father. Silent treatment if we didn’t to her satisfaction.
@@RandyTucker They eat each other alive..
I was abused during my whole childhood by narcissistic parents. Imagine the irreversible damage. A child cannot develop in such conditions. You have no personality, just shame, constant fear, and being in other people's head to try and figure out how they're gonna harm you before they do. A nightmare. Everything you say is so true, thank you for this video
😢😢 so much love to you- it’s true, it’s almost impossible to function or survive, let alone thrive for a child in that environment. Sometimes other family members or even teachers, or people in the community can be a bit of a lifeline. The child can understand with their physical body and words that what they’re going through is not normal.
I feel you.. You'll heal manifesting positivity in your life.
I'm a wreck myself
@@Susweca5569small steps. Do less, feel more to feel safe. Yoga nidra is helpful, whatever relaxes the nervous system. The body learns and then good energy, creativity, and calm flows.
Yep I was as well, who would have thought that it is them that is crazy
As a NPD survivor, I believe survivors go through unbearable distress in their minds, bodies and souls. The crime is that it changes you and it is such a struggle to recover.
Once I learned about narcs. I started to heal. I was always looking for an answer as to WHY are things always so upside down, when dealing with this certain person. For YEARS trying to always resolve conflict. With a big question mark above my head. This knowledge. Not only helped me heal quicker. I was also able to forgive after no contact. And set BOUNDRIES for these type personalitites. I’m happier then I’ve ever been.
You are so right. I struggle getting over the sadness of missing the person I was b4 the abuse .
I don’t think you can. 😢
@@TH-camr5775- I’ve felt as I’ve been so lost unable to even do executive functioning which is something that has always just came easy & it’s an everyday struggle . My heart hurts so badly for each and everyone of us. It’s really hard to understand how others can’t see or feel the pain that’s been inflicted upon our lives
@@FloridaGirl- you are so right about this !!! It’s a little hard or fuzzy to see the entire picture as your in the the depths of it but when you do it’s the best feeling in the world
This was the first narcissism video to make me cry because you explained my reality these last 10 months in less than 10 mins. No one close to me understood me and I was left to rot.
I understand you
🧡
I understand the harrowing abandonment and betrayal from the people I trusted
... left to rot, yes
😢I get the loneliness ‼️But I see your STRENGTH ‼️👏🏽💯SING SONG BIRD SING 🎵🎶
When it comes to narcissistic abuse, it's crucial to focus on understanding the dynamics of the abusive relationship and the impact it has on the victim, rather than making assumptions or generalizations about their behavior. Narcissistic abuse can have a profound and complex effect on victims, often leading to emotional trauma, low self-esteem, and a distorted sense of self-worth. It can erode trust, create feelings of isolation, and manipulate the victim's perception of reality. Some victims of narcissistic abuse may struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries, trusting others, or recognizing their own value. In some cases, individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse may engage in behaviors that are out of character, including cheating or seeking validation outside the relationship. These behaviors can be a response to the emotional turmoil and manipulation they have endured. It's important to approach this with compassion and understand that these actions may stem from a desire for validation, escape, or a misguided attempt to regain a sense of control or self-worth. However, it's essential to note that not all victims of narcissistic abuse engage in infidelity or seek external validation. Each individual responds to abuse differently, and their actions may vary depending on their coping mechanisms, personal values, and circumstances. If you or someone you know has experienced narcissistic abuse, it is crucial to seek support from professionals such as therapists or counselors who specialize in trauma and relationship dynamics. They can provide guidance, healing strategies, and help rebuild a healthy sense of self-worth and trust. Remember, the effects of narcissistic abuse are complex, and the healing process is unique to each individual. Judgment and assumptions can hinder the understanding and support that victims need. Providing empathy, compassion, and access to appropriate resources can contribute to the healing journey and empower survivors to rebuild their lives. Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: Metaspyclubllc@gmail. com
If its a parent:
There's a quote I love... “People don’t like to admit it, but where (and when) you’re born and who your parents are will largely determine the trajectory of your life, regardless of most other factors.”
My Narcissistic Momester is alive
My dad isn’t.
My dad passed in 2012,
I haven’t seen my mom since 2015(another funeral)
Now all of a sudden she writes me on FB and she wants me and the kiddos to come down …….(WHY?!)
Someone told me
Your mother has everything to gain from this and you have everything to lose if you see her back home 🏡
I have just realized that my mother is a narcissist... it took me a long time to accept that (am 41), and I know that the right thing to do is to break all contact... but I don't know how to find the strength to do it...
With Jesus we become NEW CREATIONS. We have to work on believing it and know the Word- but we can change greatly.
@@thereseaxelsson_666 I was the family scapegoat and went no contact with my narcissist mother (and family) about 4 months ago and it has been really hard. Sometimes it feels like a mistake. What has gotten me through it is reading dozens of stories of other survivors that have broken free. All of them say it was the right choice. The few who ended up giving the narc another chance said they always regretted doing so and had to start the healing journey all over again. Reading all these stories keeps me from wanting to restart contact. Also videos like this one are really helpful. Good luck! You can do it!
@@thereseaxelsson_666it’s a shock when you wake up to it they are so good at making it all their way with out you knowing they do it years and years they can make it you x
"Teach myself to laugh again"--Boy did this resonate! After i moved out from my narcissist house and moved into my own apartment, is when i noticed this in myself. I was driving in my car amd one of my favorite songs came on. And i started SINGING out loud.....which i realized i hadnt done in YEARS. It was something that made me happy before the narc killed my spirit. I hadnt even really noticed how long it had been since i allowed myself to do that
Wow. Those car rides again. Couldn't groove to a tune then for sure. The hand not occupied by the phone always shut it off due to a distraction from phone texts, emails, conversations were generally not bc you would figure out other supply sooner. Freakin hilarious now ! I soon learned that soothing of song was what was missing was another form of coercive control, manipulation, passive aggressiveness and making you feel less than. It is amazing now how long that lasted. Free....Alright Now. Doobie Bros... Rocking Down The Highway. Deep Purple.....Highway Star. Rock on 🤘
I've done nothing but try to leave the nar. Home. I had my own place and was happy, then 2020 my brother had accident and passed, he was 22 and still lived at home, I ended up moving back, now it is so unclear if I am experiencing grief of my brother or grief from living here
@jennarollyson4107 if I may offer this advice. I too had multiple losses in a brief period of time. One the closest of my life. I tried to reset too quick. Went to a grief group, met a malignant narcissist discerned through widespread sources. Had a relationshit and now know what people are capable at your most vulnerable time. It is a complicated grief issue you may have. Slow deliberate decisions on what takes care of you. No new relationships for quite awhile. There is no replacement for your loss only adjustment. They are always with us. That's permanent and you can count on it. Let your gut and instinct never be swindled by a toxic force. In time you will see, you got this.
Ditto😊
@@jennarollyson4107 So sorry to hear about your brother.... maybe it's a bit of both. If home was a place where a lot of trauma took place.... going back can often wake up the unhealed trauma.
I was told by a psychologist that I was the problem after telling him about the abuse. It was horrendous. I saw 2 others who were completely different and I learnt in that moment that you shouldn't blindly trust everyone.
His license needs to be take off him.
I don't trust them at all I most most make u feel like a permanent victim when we need to break free from victimhood somehow
This is very true.. the last psychologist did serious damage, i cant believe people like that are able to just work without consequentes
This is why people don’t seek help. I’d wager 80% of therapists are total quacks and do more harm than good.
Think about their name. It's hidden in plain sight.
While I think there are some good ones with good intentions that can help people.
The foundation of the profession is built upon deception and the prescribing of harmful pharmaceuticals.
Psychotherapist.
“I’m the problem” was real for me too. My ex said, ‘there’s something wrong with you, you need therapy!’ In my first session, the therapist said, ‘what are you still doing with him?’ I was speechless. He had convinced me I was the problem.
My personality changes: intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, shame, social avoidance, isolation, anger, mistrust of men and women I didn’t know.
6 years later, he won’t give me a separation or divorce. Thousands of $ later, I had to get a new lawyer and await court.
He has destroyed me in so many ways. I just want it to be over.
Like the book says, the body keeps score.
Does the negative internal dialogue sound like the voice of he narcissist? It's like everything he said replayed in my head and I started to believe it.
I feel this so strongly. He's trying to take the kids from me as punishment and proving someone is a narcissist is so hard
@@kaitlincox9714 yes, still does. And even the way he’d look at me disapprovingly or glare comes back to haunt me. 5.5 years from leaving…
@@violetivy it is, and I’m so sorry. We gaslight ourselves because, in my case, he’s physically near perfect, so it’s hard for ppl to understand that he’s really cruel under all that ‘perfection.’
I went to therapy too… wish my therapist would have recognized it… would have saved me from 15 more years of heartache… 😩😩😩
I am in my 33rd year of marriage to a narcissistic / co-dependent husband. This year, however, I have experienced a dramatic change. I suddenly felt like I was another person…like I was in my late teens/early 20s. My creative juices returned after years of stagnation. I have walked on eggshells for at least twenty five years. I literally feel like another person. This journey is starting in my 67th year of life!
What created your epiphany ?
Was it over time?
A particular event?
How did you have such a drastic paradigm shift?
Well, we are a Christian family…which probably explains why I have remained married. Basically, my daughters and I confronted my husband with his behaviors. That confrontation, done in love, shook him up. We showed him how he fit all of the characteristics, and he got it. It has been slow, but he has changed. I have changed. I believe that God played a major role in this transformation. When you are able to acknowledge your bad behavior, it is the first step towards freedom.
@@hgstudios WOW!!
So glad he was open to hearing and becoming self aware.
I am a believer as well.
My H states he is a believer.
However he checks all the boxes for covert narcissist :
Gaslighting
Lying
Scheming
Blaming
Dismissive
Silent treatment
Ghosting
Circular conversations
Grandiose
Massive EGO
Arrogant
Very competitive
Materialistic
Won’t ever listen to understand
Every conversation must be ALL about what he wants, thinks and decides.
He requires agreement
Can never resolve an important issue if I bring it up.
Is emotionally, financially, spiritually (uses scripture to weaponize) mentally abusive.
Work, his friends and golf are his mistresses.
So I don’t believe he’s truly born again.
I can’t afford a lawyer.
If I were to divorce, he or I have to be gone/us living apart for 6 months to file
I have nowhere to go.
So we live separate lives.
I do my thing and he does his
He’s basically a roommate and we treat each other as such.
Really Gives Our Lord a Bad Name 😢
And yes I have lovingly (and crying and laughing and dogmatically) shared ALL this and more verbally, in letters, to pastors, elders, teachers, friends, relatives .
But he still chooses to bow to his ego and pride.
Only God can make that change in the one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I praise Him for giving you courage and grace in confronting your husband. God changed mine shortly after he rededicated himself to Jesus as Lord of his life. The change was phenomenal. It took me years to adjust to the change, bc while I gave God the glory, I never reached out to ask Him to heal my conditioned responses learned during 30+ years with this man. I didn’t realize I also needed to change bc I was still living under ‘conditioned fear’. My husband passed away of stage 4 cancer 11 years after his ‘overnight’ change. Despite fading visual acuity, he would still call me into the living room at 10am everyday as he would say ‘It’s time to do our daily Bible Reading” that HE had initiated!! Ironically, we were in the book of Job the week God took him home. Please get help…trauma counseling of some kind, even when your person is the actual 1% who actually changes. My personal belief is that 100% of that 1% is probably by the hand of God.
@@hgstudios thank you for your comment and giving God the glory. Needed this. He can do a miracle in my situation too.
Well, I must say, the world of narcissism is a fascinating one. While many people are aware of overt narcissism, where individuals display grandiose behavior and seek constant attention, covert narcissism is a whole different ballgame. Covert narcissists are masters at hiding their true selves and manipulating those around them. And yes, they do have some rather peculiar habits that set them apart from the rest of us. One weird habit of covert narcissists is their constant need for validation. Unlike overt narcissists who seek validation through external means, covert narcissists have a more sneaky approach.
They often fish for compliments or sympathy by subtly dropping hints or making self-deprecating comments. They feed off the reassurance and affirmation they receive from others, and this habit can become quite exhausting for those who have to constantly boost their fragile egos. Another strange habit of covert narcissists is their tendency to play the victim. They are skilled at playing the sympathy card and making others feel sorry for them. They will twist situations to make themselves appear as innocent victims, even when they are the ones who caused the problem in the first place.
This habit allows them to manipulate others into feeling guilty or responsible for their actions, ultimately gaining control over their emotions and actions. Covert narcissists also have a knack for gaslighting, which is a rather disturbing habit. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist distorts reality or denies certain events to make their victim doubt their own perception and sanity. They will subtly twist facts, change narratives, or even outright lie to make others question their own reality. It's an insidious habit that can leave victims feeling confused, doubting themselves, and trapped in an emotionally abusive cycle. Lastly, covert narcissists have a peculiar habit of being overly sensitive to criticism.
They simply cannot handle any form of negative feedback or constructive criticism, often reacting with extreme defensiveness or passive-aggressive behavior. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe that they are above reproach. This habit can make it incredibly challenging to have any meaningful conversations with them or address any issues that may arise in a healthy manner. In conclusion, covert narcissism is a complex phenomenon that manifests in various weird habits. From seeking constant validation, playing the victim, gaslighting, to being overly sensitive to criticism, these individuals possess a unique set of traits that can be both intriguing and challenging to deal with. It's important to be aware of these habits so that we can recognize and protect ourselves from their manipulative tactics.
Additionally, If you're considering hiring a private investigator for proof of infidelity in a divorce case, Barry Investigations could be the right choice. By contacting them at Barryinvestigation@gmail. com, you can work with experienced professionals to uncover the truth. Make sure to discuss your legal rights and responsibilities, establish clear boundaries, and follow the investigator's guidelines to ensure a successful and discreet investigation.
This hit home. My daughter was acting goofy one day and doing silly stuff then stopping and asking me if it was funny. I kept saying "yes" or "that was silly" and so on. Finally after a while I asked her why she kept doing these crazy things and she said "Because you never laugh daddy and I'm just trying to make you laugh." She was 5 almost 6 at the time.
😢 I just had this same experience with my 6 year old son
@FastChargeMango:
Wow
That is very sad.
Learning to be happy, smell, taste, listen, touch...our spirit is crushed...enjoying life again
I’m the same way. I fake smiles and say “that was so funny” or “you are so silly” but I rarely laugh. My kids constantly ask me if I’m mad. I’m not. I’m just always in deep thought and I’m quiet.
This is me!! I AM stuck, scared, depressed, anxious, have negative thoughts, regret, and shame. Thank you for explaining this, I’m starting to cry bc I’ve felt so broken and alone for so very long.
The same 😓 Sending you a big hug. Know that you are not alone.
I feel the same way sometimes. I was abused by parents and a narcissist husband and I am alone now so I know how you feel, but you are not alone....sending huggs❤
Same here I loved her so deeply that I lost love for myself so I could be giving her everything I had . And that wasn't enough , she still tore into me with put downs and nasty comments plus the lies cheating etc etc etc they get you to doubt yourself and forget who you are. All because you fell in love with the wrong person. I wish you good health and happiness in your life. Mike from the UK ❤
This is also me.
..."living in a never ending trauma response." Well said! Thank you.
The worst part of when I left narcissist abuse after 13 years, my family thought I was ridiculous to be so broken. They told me just to get over it and move on. Went through so many anxiety attacks. 1 year later, I am finally gaining my identity and peace.
💜
I have been divorced over 12 years and still have trust issues, not wanting to be hurt and betrayed like I was.
Sounds like the family may have its own issues. Either they have a similar pathology to the narcissist or else they have never experienced narcissistic abuse. In any case, empathy doesn't sound like it's being utilized, and both scenarios can lead someone from a family of origin like that to wind up in toxic relationships. ❤
Unless people have encountered narcissistic abuse, they don't have the capability to understand the trauma, pain and endless shame. I thought that I was relatively smart, but was fooled by the narcissist. You can't just mentally walk away, it takes time, strength and support. By the time I walked away, I was nothing but an empty shell. I lost me, who I was, and didn't recognize who I had become. I never found myself again, because that person was destroyed. I am building every day to create the new me, and putting myself back together. My covert narcissist ex sucked every aspect of who I once was, dry.
Narcissists will NEVER change..................However, as a survivor, we are changed forever.
@@Kaycee907and thank you for putting out your experience which I find is brave and that's not something you could say about your abuser. Keep being strong and brave and may your days be more durable. It is hard, I know the struggles too and it's hard to comprehend when you thought it was something more but it was just an illusion. Which in itself it's hard to believe cause you normally have a good heart and you believe that they are not doing all of that just for the sake of them getting a boost, revenge or just to get control or get an emotion out of you, just so they don't really feel the real thing. It's like an escape from reality, from themselves and from everyone else. Just like an addiction, they just can't help being that way, they have to feel something else, instead of feeling the situation they have likely created purposely. They know pain but somehow that's all they know and they live through their pain, shame, guilt or any bad emotion or thinking, they are becoming that essentially. They have to be that way because their pain is living through them, with them and now it's showing, they only see their pain cause they have gone through it a lot alone. I believe they have been traumatized so much alone to a level that they can only see through their own self now. They didn't have someone to help them understand that they are not alone and damaged people can easily damage another being but that's proably how they have felt most their lives or when going through a dramatic event or period of time of being isolated, scared, vulnurable and helpless. So I think they must become like their abusers to feel a little bit of power when they didn't had it and that could have been helpful and now they will never be that helpless self with no value or purpose, and it's helpful to them to feel power, to feel seen, to feel heard. No matter the good or bad, just you recongizing them as a person and especially a strong enough person to do bad is everything. They just like to know they exist, but not just that but you having emotions towards them is to them is like a confirmation. When you are expressing your feelings about them no matter what if confirms they matter enough to get an emotion out of you or else it doesn't really matter, they don't matter and you don't matter. It's a defense mechanism, just like any other bad emotion being upon us when we can't help, control or understand. The longer you have suffered alone, the more alone you feel and then the isolation is easy, not only your psycical distance but emotioal follows too. We are all humans with different lives but we all experience some aspect of what others feel too but the levels of it are spread. The stronger person you are and the more you learn about humans, especially other cultures you will find out that your life is not that unique because others can relate to you besides your differences and upbringing, we as humans have to accept that "bad people" are not "bad people" for fun, we all have a resoning of how we share ourselves or not sharing. We can only hope humans do learn from their mistakes but people have also to accept some people don't know themselves or others well enough to be "normal"
the weird and even unbelievable thing is that a lot of people if not most or even ALL who are/have been in an abusive relationship DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. i just thought it was "complicated"!!! took me YEARS to understand i was a victim of a narcissist and it was an abusive relationship! i remember being confused 100% of the time, i never understood what was happening or why he was treating me that way. it took me years and years to heal!
Their talent is being good at manipulation.
I'm glad you are healing, Godspeed to you. I had no clue I was being abused. I was (Key word WAS) considered a pretty tough guy, so it's hard for people to understand that someone like me could be abused. Mental & physical abuse are two different things. If I had my choice, I would pick physical abuse over mental abuse every time. At least you heal much quicker from physical abuse. Physical abuse scars don't hurt after they heal. Mental abuse scars never heal and cause lifelong PAIN.
Yes!!! It's so confusing, and feels so mean... To even question the people around me, and to really consider they could be narcissistic... Although I've heard it from others my whole life, that both parents are narcissists. That my partner is too... It's terrifying. That's my life, my favorite people. Thing is, I can't go on myself much longer like this. I've become no one. I can't function. I don't live. I don't give my children what they need. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally absent most of the time. There, but detached. So the hard knocks don't hurt as much when they come. The f+!)3d up thing is: my kids get knocked down and don't have my (messed up) defense mechanisms. And I'm not there to soften the landings for them, and reach them to work thru pain, because I don't feel it when it happens. I miss it. And see the damage later. The guilt could kill me if I let it. I often imagine their lives if I wasn't there anymore. I think they'd be better off, I wouldn't be there to raise them in a home with a highly depressed mother. They'd be with my functional, healthy, happy family. True love isn't selfish. The most loving thing might be to leave them. Save them from myself. But, they love me so, so much. I don't know if the pain of losing me is worse than the pain of living with me. I don't want them to have any pain. So, I conclude again and again, my only choice is to fight for them, by fighting for myself. My self destructive self doesn't mesh with my true, pure, and eternal love and "mama bear" spirit of protection over them. I have to get better. But I'm not. I wish I knew how, I would do anything to know how to help myself.
I'm sorry for whining and being so selfish. I just resonate so much with what you said, and I want to tell you::::
You are so beautiful. So smart. You have a place in this world, and you bring life and light to this world, so please stick around. The world is so much better with you in it. You deserve to know and love yourself.
(I get it, we all do. But my whole existence I've been told how bad I am. How inherently flawed, evil, mean, and worthless I am. It's a hard reality to walk out of when it's all you know and have ever felt about who you are at your core.)
100% true ! Very validating to not feel alone in this.
@ashleyhoward-larsen8409 You don't sound bad, you sound like you want a trained therapist. Do you have a plan (rhetorical) for yourself and your children?
My mother had narcissistic tendencies. I learned as a young kid, in second grade, not to trust her anymore.
My older brother turned out to be a full blown narcissist, too.
I took care of my mother in her later years and her narcissistic tendencies were still there. She was always selfish and didn't give a thought to what I was going through in taking care of her. She wasn't senile, just selfish as always. I loved her but disliked her behavior. When she passed, I was sad but greatly relieved.
I've cut off relationship with my brother because he's a full blown narcissist and I refuse to go through anymore narcissistic behavior. I suffered through his behavior as a child and he's only gotten worse with age.
I'm typically hyper-vigilant with people. My Christian faith has helped me to forgive them but never to forget.
I married a narcissist and shed him after only a couple of years. Back then, I knew nothing about narcissistic behavior but i knew what i could no longer tolerate in my life.
I made the mistake of caring for my mom instead of caring for my son but nobody else was going to care for my mom and they left it on me. I'm still struggling with my kid and I hate my family. They're dead to for putting me in that position to choose between my mother and my son.
I hate Christian culture on how it doesn't protect us from narcissists as if it was made to put us in situation of abuse. God is not Christian culture.
I have your same story except for the husband part. I am taking care of my elderly, very mentally ill mother who is so selfish - has no concern for me whatsoever as her ONLY loyal true friend and caregiver. Her covert narcissism & other cluster B disorders makes her an evil monster that breaks off into all kinds of sub-monsters who all come out to fight ea other on how they're gonna attack me for the day. I too love her and will be sad when she is dead but also relieved when she's gone. I also won't be as sad then b/c I have mourned & grieved the loss of her over my life time b/c though she lives, it's just oxygen in and out and that's it b/c she just exists - doesn't thrive, doesn't even try to be a better person. Lives in denial, in and out of acute psychosis, driven by pure delusional fantasy and dark and ludicrous lies as well as narcissistic injury/(aka, 'wounded pride').
I also have had to grieve the sad fact that there is no relationship btew us as mother & daughter due to her pathology and her lack of maternal instinct, esp her deep narcissism/ pride. She is leaving no decent legacy behind at all. She has nothing to pass on but hate, spite and venom. There will be no bru-haha for any funeral. There is nothing there and so a casket into a ground will be it and only me there as she has no one else who will show up. Although I am her POA, she still has not told me where she wants to be buried so I will prob have her buried w/out a marker and it will be done by the state. No money, no instructions, no logic, no sanity. The story of her life.
This is why I try to live a decent Christian life too b/c you can't hate the person but you must hate the demonic monsters that live in their head. It's very exhausting having to do battle after battle fighting Dracula and Jeckyl and Hyde and Michael Myers, and Freddy Kruger, etc, etc, etc....When I get around her, I feel my life drop into a marathon mix of all of the worst horror films of all time.
Yes, we have to forgive them or we BECOME them & that is not an irony I will allow to take me over. I have my empathy still and I am much better off w/ it than w/out it. We are too good and too wise to let ourselves be lowered to that level so we forgive but SHOULD NEVER FORGET. Forgetting is the problem b/c most ppl go on trying to forget the trauma instead of try to work it out and understand it so we can put it away and be done w/ it.
I have studied psychology as well as people & their behavior for over 25 yrs in tracking all my mom's mental illnesses/ co-morbid bundle of insanity and by now, should really be a dr myself so I will say this: There is an interesting place betw the portals of psychology and Christianity that most ppl fail to see as they provide the same overall message: "KILL YOUR EGO/PRIDE b4 it kills you b/c 'pride goeth before a fall". This ain't no mild thing either. If only ppl could really understand while they're young how PROFOUND & IMPORTANT this biggest lesson of all time really, truly is. If we miss this one, we miss it all!!!!!!!!!!
My story is similar...
I went very low contact with my narcistic mother about 10 years before she died and no contact the last 5. My sister the golden child knew i would not be helping with my mother. I took care of my dad the last month of his life with no help or even visit from said sister. All i felt was relief that the abuse was finally over. But she did get a few last digs in from the grave. I cannot even be around my sister without a panic attack. And have as little contact as possible.we have a younger brother. He was more unloved and ignored and being the oldest i was the scapegoat.
I will be 75 at the end of the month. My first husband was a narcissist and I stayed for 10 years. My second husband was not a full narcissist but had many of the same attributes. Never have I heard this explained so well. I was a happy person when I was young. Now I am riddled with many fears. I knew it was ptsd from years of abuse. If you’re young, listen and learn to heal!
Amen mary ❤
I'm 68 & can't believe I'm in this mode. At 68 I too am exhausted. Pretty sure joy has to be out there. I live in constant fear. My body has broken down. I'm weak. I'm stuck. Thank you all
All the best to you Mary. I pray you enjoy the rest of your life
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago.
Any time is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold.
if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
❤❤
Hyper Vigilance is me. This makes so much sense…… I can literally sabotage a relationship, just because I’m always waiting for “the other shoe to drop”
That sounds similar to what I experienced - I'm staying single, at least for now. It's always been my preference, anyway.
Same
Somebody explained it, "felt like they were tied naked to a tree in the front yard, waiting until the narcissist appeared and started whipping him/her in front of the people in the neighborhood."
Do you believe they can't see the problem, and they come back for more. Always, hypervigilant, mid-brain, always on waiting for the boom to be lowered.
Sorry, can't sympathize anymore. Maybe empathize? 😮😮 💀 ☠️ 💀 ☠️ 🦴 💀 ☠️ 🦴 💀 ☠️ 🦴 💀 ☠️
Making themselves physically sick.
Or to be thrown at me the target.
@@ShintogaDeathAngelchilling on the down low. Seems like a good ol' timey idea
I just sat in my car in front of the grocery store and cried an ugly cry. The holidays are sad. I love my father. He's a covert narc. but he can't be in my life. And my mother is so toxic as well beside her husband. This is me. This is my cycle. I feel crazy a lot. I hate myself for my over emotionality. I hate how reactive I feel, and am. And everyone's like, you should forgive and move on and all of that kind of stuff. And friends say that I should be healed from this, that I'm not letting God heal me. I've never heard things said quite this way before. Thank you. I feel seen and understood in a way that even people who want to understand just can't. Thank you.
totally understand. My church kept telling me i have to forgive. i wanted to but the trauma in body would not let me
The second I really started to forgive was the second the Narc wormed their way back into my life. I'm not doing that again. I can be sympathetic to the fact that they themselves had their own trauma without me forgiving them. Forgiving the abuser made everyone else more comfortable while I stood in fire.
So many people have opinions when it isn't their story and journey. Even if they have gone through something, some are on a different leg of their journey and healing and might be in a sweet spot in life or have more of a support system in place where they feel safe. They often forget when they were in the middle of the storm, in pain, and feeling alone.
I was praying to God to help me to understand more about forgiveness, justice, and feeling safe and trying to put together the pieces. I found a book called The Language of Deep Forgiveness that was insightful. There are two parts mentioned in forgiveness: letting go of the need to retaliate and letting go the expectation for restitution. I learned it is a process and still am working through putting together the pieces.
The problem comes when you have experienced trauma and abuse, and people do not take the time to listen and to allow you to heal. They want to wrap things up in a neat little formula with their expectations as to how you should react, grieve, and heal. When they tell you, " You need to just ___". "Let it go". etc. It leads to feelings of invalidation, trivializing a matter, being dismissed, or shamed and feeling weak.
Not everyone will get it, so we learn to find our small circle and safe community where we can safely share, listen, pray, and support one another.
This is spot on for me. I've been in a constant state of fight or flight. My husband of 20 yrs is a narcissist. I used to love life, I was always so full of joy, cheer, love, and such a zest for life, and now I'm a shell of who I used to be. I got very sick with lupus and when i couldn't cook and clean, or have sex, I was constantly blamed for everything I couldn't do instead of being helped and supported in any way. He even tried to give me $15,000 to leave bcuz I'm sick and can't do everything I used to. Now being disabled, depressed, and constantly talked down to, I'm stuck. It's like my brain is on high alert ALL the time and it keeps me up for several days at a time. People ask why I haven't left and it's simple, I can't afford to, and so I feel trapped and he uses that against me too. I feel like a caged animal with a broken spirit with no way out. Keep making these videos for the ones who r still strong enough and able to get out of their situation❤
The more I learn about this type of behavior the more it has set me free. But only when I accepted responsibility for letting them treat me this way. Then I got some power and could seem to move on. They will do to us what we allow them to do. Period. In essence we train them how to treat us. You can do this!! No better time than today!
@openureyes929 thank u for your encouraging words. B4 I met him and threw the 1st 10 years I was able to work full time at my boys school, and take care of literally everything (all he had to do is go to work and come home) but, then I got sick. I was always very independent and still continued to make my own money. Now, I'm stuck at home, sick and in pain most days, and instead of any kind of help or encouragement, it's always a verbal ass chewing about everything I didn't do and can't do. The 1k I get a month isn't enough to get out. I've never felt so trapped in my life and it's a really hard reality to deal with. I try everyday to figure out a way to get out, and I would even live in my car but I can't leave my kids. He goes for them when he can't get to me and until I can get us all out, I just have to get thru it one day at a time until an opportunity presents itself...
Take the 15.000$ and LEAVE. It's not getting any better.
P.S.
Many health issues get better after the narc abuse. Just look at the content creators. Many didn't look so good, when they started their channels, but really glowed up over time.
After narc abuse you gave to heal and normally this is on your own...but it's getting easier over time and you gain strength.
My heart goes out to you. I am going through the same as you right now. I am stuck as well. After over 20 yrs of being abused he ended our relationship for someone younger but I still live on the same property as him. He inherited the property so it's his. I am meant to move but I can't afford it. Meanwhile he is being absolutely horrible and I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I'm expected to leave but I have nothing. I am disabled through illness. It's like he waited for me to get old and sick to throw me away after 20+ years.
Sorry for the rant but this has just happened in the last 8 weeks 😢
I'm so glad that younger people have this knowledge these days. I knew nothing about narcissists when I was younger and it took my life away. But now everything is better because I got sick of it and prayed about it and feel way happier and stronger.
Absolutely 🙌🤌🧠🩷
AGREED 💯!!! Iin 2003, I married a covert narcissist, and into a narcissistic family. Back then, nobody was talking about narcissism or emotional abuse. I knew something was wrong. There was always some sort of drama going on. It was 20 years of a constant battle with them, and I know that he wanted to break free from that, and saw me as an avenue for freedom, but he could never break away from his family. Nowadays, everyone is talking about narcissism, and how many peoples lives are being destroyed as a result of it. I am hoping that it won’t be too much longer before the courts will recognize this as abuse. Yes, it’s hard to prove however, there was a time when no one was even talking about this, so maybe there will be a time in the future Where there will be legal punitive damages charged in these walking pathologies! 😡
Even with all the knowledge of it existing out there, it is even for young as hard as the elderly to recognize them, especially when it is a parent we had no choice in. All the signs of trauma are nowadays still frequently misdiagnosed or judged on by surrounding people, we can explain and show youtube videos all we want but they will still never fully understand how much it affects personality and how crippling the fear can be if they didnt experience it.
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago.
My brother is a Narcisitic Sociopath abuser , my mother was a Narcisist and I have a monkey brother.
Friends, co-workers that were Narc's and I am NOW understanding these sicko's and abusers.
Any time whether age 64 , 67 years or 94 years it is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold.
Now, being empathic if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
Amen Bridgette
I remember being in my stifling trifling relationship one day and the two of us were in a store. A couple in the line ahead of us were happy and playful. The contrast was so deep I vowed to get out and become myself Again. I see exactly what you mean. In real life I am an eternal cool spring of joy. I didn't know that was the executive frontal cortex. But you are so right about using a completely different part of your brain because when the stress is on I am 24/7 in reaction solution mode and without the stress I am in Eden. The contrast is as stark as the couple in front of me. I am still alone tho because I found that everyone has problems and most aren't aware of them and I'm just not interested in waking up to someone else's drama. I wake up alone and feel like it's Saturday morning everyday. I. Am. Freeeee
Good for you 👍
🕊️
Same
Awesome!!!
This was HUGE!! I just watched this. I was in a LTR with a covert narcissist 3+ years ago. Earlier this year, I very nearly committed suicide over the trauma I endured. Fortunately, I didn't. Now, I have a very healthy relationship with an incredible woman who has also survived being married to a narcissist for 28 years. We have a very open dialog about this and everything else that impinges on our relationship. Neither of us feel hyper-vigilant anymore. We actually do feel safe.
Thank you for this insight...!
🙏🙋
❤😊
Wonderdul testimony. People need to read that! It gives Hope.
Same situation with my hubby of 5 years and I. Helps to know he understands. I'm happy for you both!
I’m so happy you found happiness and feel safe again. Much love to you and yours. ❤
When your personality is entirely differently with your family and without, there's a problem. Took me ages to understand that. I knew I never felt safe being myself around them, and that they're overbearing and hostile, but had no vocabulary to put it into perspective until a few year a ago.
Same.
My experience, too. I often wondered why this happened
This woman knows what she is talking about!! I had to stop it several times to just sob in recognition of what I’d been through for 70 plus years of my life. The joy I felt the first time I REALLY laughed was life altering. I felt that after sooo very many years I had finally found ME. It felt so very good to have her back”home” in my heart.
They're a cult which we aren't on board for being a part of cuz it sucks to be them!
@@SmearCampaignsAreEvil count yourself very blessed. We are all dealing with the narcs at work etc but few of us had a family where we felt loved and protected.
Being with my ex narc for the past 6 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
We could never post pictures of us, and neither could any of his former girlfriends. I agree, it’s to look available and to get other women.
This description is like a journal of my own experiences of a narcissistic person, wow😢
Scam
Been there done that. I am happily remarried to my first love for almost 10 years! He gave me time to recover and heal from my 28 year marriage to a narcissist.
Mine died of leukemia. I started and helped him through it. But the guilt of being relieved almost broke me.
I feel frozen and like a completely different person. I hardly leave my house because I have a unrealistic fear of people now. You really are describing me and I don’t know how to get help.
😢😢😢😢 This is mee....7 yr abusive relationship
When I felt more frozen I sought out a trained bodyworker. Helped so much. Experienced in trauma she held sacred space and my tissue with a light touch, care and skill. Good verbal skills too. Research who is in your area and trust your instincts.
@@MS-bs8dd. Hi. What kind of work was this? What should one look for??
@@Hazelli1 She was a retired social worker certified in massage therapy.
I suffered through abuse for many years. I had horrible anxiety and a lot of depression, I’ve been a Christian for 22 years, God has brought a lot of healing through the word of God and His love for me, it was a process though, there’s no quick fix, healing takes place every day & it’s on going. I’ve learned who I am in him, I speak the truth over my life very regularly, it took a long time to honestly believe I was worth anything, but to know I’m loved and wanted by my Heavenly Father has brought a lot of peace, joy and happiness. I know I’m still working through and I probably always will but I’m learning to create new ways of thinking and believing that I am worthy of love and kindness. This is a good video because it does explain well what trauma response looks like. For me having a relationship with Jesus Christ and believing who He says I am was life changing for me!! I’m so much more confident but I still have my days where I struggle and I just have to keep speaking life and truth over myself! Anyone reading this, you are loved!! You are worthy!!! You have purpose!
Amen!!! 🙏
Hallelujah!
Beautiful! Do you have any good videos you could recommend me about identity in Christ please? I am a believer! The Lord is so full of love!
@@christinagrant3252 I really enjoy watching Kris Reece on TH-cam who has videos about identity in Christ as well as videos about coping with narcissists God's way. Her videos and community have really helped me. Sadie Robertson also has good videos too. Hope this helps. 😀
@@christinagrant3252look up Kris Reece. She deals with narcissistic abuse from a Biblical world view.
My daughter was abused by a narcissist who almost killed her twice. Then she went on to another guy whose mother is an absolute narcissist and drove her further into the hole. Thank you for your descriptions of the victim's personality. My daughter used to sing nonstop and now she never sings.
There is a special place in hell for people like them who mistreat people. I truly believe that. Rather it’s in this life or the afterlife - you have to answer for how you mistreated someone. I hope your daughter truly hears the music again. God bless.
❤❤❤❤
After a year of weekly therapist sessions and my therapist said “It sounds like your husband used you”. That day I googled that phrase and what I found was information on covert narcissist and it was as though they had a camera in my life. What was described was spot on. They all use the same “ playbook “. It’s frightening how many there are in this world.
Its a huge epidemic yet they say only 2% of the world are narcs. BS
And your therapist didn’t catch on that he was a covert narcissist? You had to figure it out via google? God, therapists can be so unperceptive. Identifying the Covert NPD diagnosis would’ve helped you get answers sooner & find others who’ve had similar experiences.
Therapists are overpaid priests.
Right! Should be a mandatory class in life skills or something like that in HS & Jr Hi school because there are so many.
I experienced narcissistic abuse by a covert narcissist. I was married to one for 6 years. I finally found the strength to get out of that marriage and never look back. I became a much stronger person after I found out that it was narcissistic abuse I was experiencing. I also found out that nobody and I mean nobody cared about me. I literally went through my healing process alone. I also realized that I had some narcissistic family members. Two of them were my parents. One thing narcissistic parents teach their children is to give everyone the benefit of a doubt. Don't ever teach your children to give everyone the benefit of a doubt. It will make them a narcissist's prey. It will destroy their life.
This is an eye opening comment. I always thought it was a good trait to give people the benefit of the doubt. Now I see that it was specifically taught to me in the context of teaching me freeze and fawn in response to the abusive behavior of one of my parents. This behavior made all the adults’ lives easier including the abuser. Flight and fight behavior brings overt conflict between abusers and abused. Freeze and fawn moves the conflict into the victim and results in the abuse victim blaming themselves. At least this has been my experience.
Thank you for this pearl of wisdom.
@nursingassessments thank you for this pearl also.
Wisdom.
I have a freeze response to danger and this explains it, @@nursingassessments ...My mother would literally take anyone's word over mine to this day. A random stranger could come up to her and tell her something I had said five minutes ago and she will act like she's never heard it before. The message this sends is you have no authority, even over your own person...
Absolutely spot on I haven’t laughed properly for years he literally murdered something in me
This 👆🏻”He literally murdered something in me.”
You CAN get that part back. My mother was married to my father for 25 years (narc) and then remarried for another 20 something years to a guy who...I don't think he was a narc, but he was definitely someone she let walk on her and she shaped her life and interests around his because she was so used to having to be the passive person in her previous marriage. When he left, she was devastated (still is in some ways) but I've seen a whole new person come out in the last several years. She jokes in ways that I've NEVER in my life seen her do. Crazy to think that I'm 51 years old and just now seeing my own mother's TRUE personality.
@@rosemarie7816I’m crying, both from relief and sadness. I’m 31 weeks pregnant with our first child, and it’s like I’m nothing. I feel like your mom from 51 years ago. I can’t laugh, smile… nothing. It’s like I’m dead inside. I remember who I used to be, and I’m so afraid my daughter won’t even know… me. The real me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hope I figure this out somehow, because I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way out.
@@ashr8801 what I'm learning the hard way...1st order of business: make absolutely CERTAIN that you do not have to depend on him financially. Learn marketable skills, take care to build a career. $$ equals freedom. Take your time, be gentle on yourself because it's HARD to focus on a career and skills building when you're depressed, but also, it's your ticket out. New moms can do superhuman things, so I believe in you!
I remember the day after my ex got out of prison. I was out fishing with a friend and had a strong sense of foreboding. I told my friend about what I was feeling and she said, "Didn't Barry get out yesterday?" I said yes. Then she said, "Didn't you tell me that if you went out without him when you were married that you would be in trouble when you got home?" I knew what she was getting at and agreed that this was where the feeling of impending doom was coming from. And the feeling went away once the source was identified.
It follows you through life. Like ghosts. Glad your friend identified that. A little healing there❤ bless you!
@@sandycares2995 thank you
God bless you❤
@@Open-DI_239 thank you
The walking on eggshells, months of rumination preventing sleep, telling myself- I am not the same person I once was, not being able to "feel" and believing it was me . All the result of a skilled covert narcissist! The relief I feel knowing it wasn't ME and being able to label every incident with a term was life changing. Still working on ME, but so much better!
❤️🔥🙌
Ok, that is freaking me out.
Michele, I have to say how calming your voice and words are, to this broken, broken soul. I’m in a constant frozen state of terror and depression, I can’t work due to this and physical disability now later In my 45 year old life.
I can barely leave the house. I shudder every time I hear a noise or a family member walks through my room.
It’s not normal. I feel like I have nowhere to go to shut it all out & feel safe.
The one who injured me on a soul level for 16 years is not too long removed from my life - I know I have a long way to go.
I feel like a child. I’m terrified for my future. I hate being a burden to my family.
It’s been dark - but today listening to your voice brought me more comfort and understanding, than you’ll ever know.
Thank you
Hey apply for SSI and get to the nearest low income housing or shelter for women and children preferably..
I am the daughter of a narcissist mother and was married to a narcissist husband so I ended up spending the first 50 years of my life being depressed, frightened and totally exhausted all the time. This is the first time I have heard about how my personality changed as a result of this trauma and I thank you, Michele, for opening my eyes. I have studied narcissism and learned, mostly through examining my own life, the traits and causes of narcissism but I've never really understood how it changed me. I do know that it has been through a spiritual awakening that I have been freed from much guilt and shame and have learned that I am loved unconditionally by Spirit. Thank you so much for this video!
❤❤❤
Spirit = Holy Spirit
Sounds a lot like my story. People think I'm really chill in a crisis, but I think it may be more like I don't access my emotions readily and always have to process them later. That's what living with narcissists all my life has done to me. ❤
@@cc1k435 I get that. You have to detach emotionally to handle the trauma, to survive.
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago.
My brother is a Narcisitic Sociopath abuser , my mother was a Narcisist and I have a monkey brother.
Friends, co-workers that were Narc's and I am NOW understanding these sicko's and abusers.
Any time whether age 64 , 67 years or 94 years it is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold.
Now, being empathic if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
“Anyone that has been through it will be like, Michelle, I get it..I hear you..” ..absolutely right. For anybody that has never been through this, I’m sure it must sound crazy and completely baffling. But for those that have been through it, listening to you speak is like listening to our own minds. It just makes sense, and we get you.. 🙏🏻
“The people that inflict narcissistic abuse are the usually the people that you expect to love you and to be there for you so it’s awful to have to go through.” Wow. Thank goodness for the awareness of it!!! Everything stops with you. You can voice it, stand up & love you & walk away from anyone who causes you to forget your entire personality your light & laughter, whether a parent a partner a coworker anyone. Nobody can escape law of nature. Time teaches every human.
After leaving the narc, I came home to live with my daughter and grandson. I was constantly asking permission to do every small task. Finally, my daughter told me I didn't have to ask permission for anything or be afraid to make decisions. I had lost all confidence, due to his extreme control.
My adoptive mum is like this - frets over stuff like sending texts to a teenage nephew on his birthday and asks about the wording to put in flowers being ordered for gifts. It's sad.
I just can't believe I'm not the only woman going through this. I'm constantly saying I'm sorry or asking to stupid things. I just don't feel worthy of anything or capable to make my own decisions.
Yes, my son had to keep saying to me, "You can buy something for yourself, mom, you don't need to hide purchases. You are allowed to go out and enjoy yourself."
Same!!! I hate it and hope things are better for you?
My mouth dropped and I started crying when you said you went for so long without laughing. That’s what I feel also and you don’t realize how lonely it is 😢
I notice that I'm also not smiling anymore since I'm connecting to a man who seems so decent and civil but again feel hurt and disrespected because he is quiet for days. I exoressed my confusion and to my surprise he suggested to call me to talk about it. He wasn't annoyed or angry and said if it's not working for me I csn always tell him and he would try to change the frequency of meeting.
He travels for work etc. He explained it but I also feel like he is reserved in person.
We kissed hugged but he is not cuddling much.
After our call I thought he might be genuine and I felt positive about it again. Two days later he texted "how are things going?"
I replied and asked how his week was going with work.
No reply and this was 3 days ago
I try to focus in my goals and I'm calm now but last weekend before his call I was so upset that I started to hyperventilating.
I really wonder if I'm again dealing with some form of manipulation or is just me accepting little. I'm already a bit attached.
The idea of cutting off contact makes me feel so unhappy.
So I wait......until he texts and if I keep feeling hurt or unppreciated tell him it's better to leave it at that.
How do I know if it's my own trauma response or if I'm indeed not valued like I deserve.
I do make progress after seeing a coach who explained about nerve system and when I feel pain of rejection or stress that someone is gone, i will tell myself: ok strong emotions atm but it will come and go.
Swimming is my refuge to relax.
I'm literally crying right now...I'm so ready for this transformation. I've endured for so long. Thanks ❤
I hope it encourages you to know that we are a huge tribe out here and we’re all pulling for each other.
theres no complete cure
This makes alot of sense.... somedays I go out in public doing normal mundane errands and I feel like I am surrounded by rude, nasty people everywhere I go. It's like I can feel the collective energy or something. It gets exhausting having to deal with it I end up avoiding going outside alltogether.
I do too. It's horrible
Agoraphobia is a symptom.
Holy heck, I thought I was the only one!! It seems everywhere, in everyone. How can we keep going, where is the hope??
Yes! Same.
I am the same, I go grocery shopping late a night when there’s less people, if I hear people walking past my house, I close the window. I just cannot stand people, I also find them rude and fake. I’d rather be surrounded by nature and animals
Thank you so much for posting this. It’s so validating. As a survivor of narcissistic abuse and also being autistic, it has been so hard being stuck in survival mode. I just started somatic breathwork classes and it is helping me feel and process all that stuck trauma in my body. I’m beginning to realize just how much love and soothing my body has been in need of all my life.
🧡
Good luck. I wonder if having autism makes us more susceptible.
@@paulneal7495 it’s so funny you say that because I just recently watched a video that made some points about how we can be more susceptible because when we read social cues wrong, we’re told why and expected to edit our behavior to fit the norm. And even though we don’t understand it we often listen so we can fit in. Narcissists can use that kind of thinking to their advantage by telling us abusive behavior is healthy and normal behavior.
As someone who works with neurodivergent thinkers, I believe Autism/ADHd can make one more susceptible to narcissists because there can be a tendency to “overcompensate for our imagined deficiencies”. So if there has been a history of not fitting into the norm, or of feeling less than our neurotypical peers, there is often the belief that something’s wrong or off, and it’s more evidence of how it’s probably because we’re “different”.
When you have one person believing that they are deficient, and another who is literally incapable of seeing deficiencies in themselves…Presto, a match made in heaven (or not). One person looking through the “our struggles must be my fault lens”, and the other person looking through the “nothing’s my fault lens”. 😏 It works until it doesn’t. Until you learn about the dynamic and see what’s been going on.
@@shaunroney414 oof that explains so much. 😮💨 My mom and ex-husband are both narcissists, and I only recently came to understand I’m autistic, so a lot of puzzle pieces are finally falling into place. This was very insightful and helpful. Thank you.
I lived my entire life feeling like I was completely out of whack due to childhood narcissistic abuse. I could tell that others either treated me like I was weird or easy to take advantage of. Knowing this, I tried to compensate by trying to act normal while searching everywhere to find a way to heal internally. A few years ago, I started Neurofeedback therapy, which has completely changed my life. I feel happy, confident and optimistic for the first time since early childhood. Now I’m able to see trauma in others and respond with compassion, rather than feeling like I’m the only one who’s “damaged”.
I went around 2 years without crying because I was so numb from the abuse. I'm really glad this video popped up.
I was married for 32 years and have been divorced for 20 years….. I still can’t cry!
@@janebentrott5984 I'm truly sorry to hear that and I pray that you will be able to again because you deserve to be able to feel every emotion!❤️
My husband has to remind me to cry and I still can’t. It does bubble up out of nowhere sometimes and usually in inappropriate settings. But not being able to cry normally is so oddly painful.
So sorry for your experiences!
I was wondering why I didn't cry. Like you said, I feel numb too
I have studied narcissism for years and have to applaud this video.
Wow--it was one of the most insightful videos I have listened to.
Oh man, this makes so much sense, I keep telling myself "I hate the person I become when I'm with him" this is why!
Of 5 siblings, I was the only one without a college degree. Yet by age 25 I was promoted to AVP of a bank, owned my own home, and a new car. One sibling sent me a letter telling me that I was not living up to my potential because I had made bad decisions in my life. She could not stand to see me succeed and had to remind me that I was just a loser like I was told my entire life.
You go for it! Well done 👏👏
Just a reminder that you are not a loser! You are an overcomer and a thriver!! Don’t let anyone’s lies get in your thoughts! You go, girl!! 🎉
@@mariannecoulter9530 Thank you! 😊 That's always nice to hear.
Great video
That is a HUGE accomplishment!
I have been in a narcisist relationship for 25 months and only realised it now. We don't live in the same town, I went to visit him to see how we get along for 2weeks, 24/7. The signs mentioned in this video, is spot on, thank you. He is a highly intelligent man and very clever, but chauvinistic and selfish in all ways. I almost made a move to his town, even went for an interview at a recruitment company there. Believe in your sixth sense, it never lies! Believe in yourself and move on, I am. It hurts badly, but I can do this.
Wow! You've impressed me. Thank You!
Married 50yrs to a Covert Narc! I am 71. I have had many therapists and NONE of them knew about the kind of therapy that I needed!?
Now my health is broken😢, multiple autoimmune diseases.
Your advice is way too late!!!
Yes, that breakdown has happened!😢
You do know there is an after life right? You are going some where after this it is not to late that is just a trick of the enemy but you have to agree with it its your choice if you want to throw it all away I am 64 and under went extrem conditioning from day one in my life
You would be shocked if you knew my life up until just a few years ago when I was given to choice to quit wanting a better life or not my one brother committed suicide and the other is a homeless thug my mom died at age 54 screaming with fear as her life slipped out of her body
You should really think about your statement of it's way to late you are wrong
Marriage of 40 years. Same, physical and mental collapse, change, trauma. Horrific. Husband died almost 1 1/2 years niw, I'm stuck. Can't put myself back together. Years of therapy, no one understood this syndrome years ago and treatment was centered around it being my fault. It was more harmful than helpful. 67 years old and trying to figure it out again.
Also, people that have not experienced this type of abuse DO NOT UNDERSTAND the symptoms we live with (I.e., severe anxiety and depression, lack of self-esteem, isolating, turning down invitations, etc. etc.). That makes it even harder. They give/make what they believe are helpful advice and suggestions. They simply do not understand!
I got physical pain and emotional flashbacks just from watching the subject. My legs get tense and I get anxious
@@JamalquentinjrI completely understand! My severe anxiety disorder causes me physical pain including chest pain!
@@lorendaaltenbern4988 I noticed people who never been through this feel so comfortable saying " just leave". It's only been 1 day of no communication and I had a dream about her, my dreams about her were always negative. Always about her turning her back on me, entertaining others and being so nonchalant about it, belittling me. This was before I even started realizing what this was. After I saw the situation for what it was the dreams started getting agressive. I'm no dream expert and some people believe in dreams being signs of things in our waking life while others do not but my dreams started being about dogs attacking me or just violence against me even tho she came back tryna be all sweet and pretending she wanted to fix things. Dreams of signs of danger and betrayal. I feel good now but watching the subject last night triggered me and I didn't even know it was that serious. I thought I'd be perfect once we were done. I don't avoid my feelings, I do inner work but I needed to get away from her to truly start over.
Some of us do - but we are turned away and made the “enemy” when we do. The narc seals you off from the rest of us and even if we DO understand we are covertly threatened by both the narc and the frightened victim. Get out when you can. Just leave.
@@MarthaWoodworth-f9s the person above was referring to people who make comments like "why don't they just leave 🤓"
I’m actually going through a recovery now. I didn’t know it, couldn’t put my finger on it, but after some reflection and seeing what causes personalities like mine, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been around covert narcissists pretty much my whole life. I come from a family where everyone is constantly working an angle or stabbing someone in the back. This has helped me so much. Thank you!
Same!
I feel you. It's exhausting & soul destroying having your family members constantly working you like Walter White. Even if you stand up to them for a while, they're so persistent with it that they just wear you down & even though you can see it happening, you fall into the same pattern again. I recently finished with yet another family member & realised have to cut of the whole thing, or I'll always be dragged back in to the drama.
Same here. It’s weird though, I know what I need to do but struggle with letting go. “Journey” is the correct word along with non-linear…I am trying to not beat myself up when I take 2 steps back - being empathetic is hard to go cold turkey, eh?!
@@tmf403 I’ve been struggling with it for the last several years. And still do some days. I have to continue to remind myself that these people do not recall me as a person they love or once loved, as I do them. I have to remember that they view me as a thing to be controlled and manipulated. And the so-called fond memories were jokes at my expense that I never got until I’d been away from them.
@@jamesmccarthy6764 I had a breakthrough last week. I always thought this person had power over me until I said “no” like I meant it. I was not rude but I was firm. They tried a number of tricks but I never budged. It was very liberating. I learned to not set out to hurt them because they don’t feel pain like we do. They will do it to themselves when they realize that you are no longer their dancing monkey.
Girl you are 💯 % on point. Especially when you don’t laugh anymore or do what you normally like to do or even be around anyone just so that you’re not always on edge because of what you may be accused of or what you might be told after you’re behind closed doors with the abuser.
It's so important to educate ourselves about the narcissist's sneaky tactics and be mindful of any red flags in our relationships!
Trusting our instincts can be a powerful shield against their manipulation. Remember, setting strong boundaries and practicing self-care are essential! Stay safe and take care, beautiful souls!
This slapped me so hard. I have been walking on egg shells for almost a year. I have been living in fear of my wife always expecting something bad to happen. I am slowly recovering from her narcissistic abuse.
Wym expecting something bad to happen? Like she's assuming you're doing something bad or accusing you of lying? Or she's paranoid, expecting something bad to happen/expecting someone to her? There's a big difference the two, you know.
I am happy for you that you endured only a year. I was emotionally abused by my sister for decades and at age 70, I was finally free to go no contact due to my parents both passing. I no longer had to tolerate her abuse to protect my parents. No matter who and how long it’s tough to recover. Best wishes to you.
Bless your heart ❤️
In my house, someone is always going to be in danger, but since he warned you, it's your own fault. My 15-year-old hasn't had much of a life, and neither has the dog, that has never been on a walk, or really played in the yard because he thinks she will run away. When I call her she comes. After 23 years, I finally filing for a divorce. I pray Father sends me a loving person who LOVES HIM and loves me like Christ LOVES the church.
I hope it slapped you by the 31st! The sale is over!!!!
You nailed this! I am a 60 years old and 10 years ago I hooked up with this exact situation. Every stage you talked about was spot on. This all drove me to loose myself and it took years to reclaim me. I think the worst part is you start to really doubt yourself, and from there the mental health starts to crumble and then the body. I am a survivor🙏🏼🥰
LOL, wow I have so many years of Social Work and Behaviour Modification with the Government but I didn't learn about Narcisism till 3 months ago.
My brother is a Narcisitic Sociopath abuser , my mother was a Narcisist and I have a monkey brother.
Friends, co-workers that were Narc's and I am NOW understanding these sicko's and abusers.
Any time whether age 64 , 67 years or 94 years it is good to be able to read the cards these monsters hold.
Now, being empathic if we accidently let someone in through the gates too fast we can discard immedietly and autopsy the dynamics of that relationship and say " WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM THAT ?? "
No wonder I was always so defensive with everyone over the slightest thing and, especially, the tone of voice. If anyone had what I perceived as "an attitude" it irritated me very easily and quickly I became very defensive and angry. My mother, may God rest her soul 😪🙏, would say to me "I don't know what the heck she did to you but I'm not your enemy! WE'RE not your enemy!" I haven't been ME in years but the more I learn the better I understand. I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Thank you!
I lived with an abuser for 6 years. I finally got out and the pandemic hit, and, being disabled and high-risk, was trapped alone for 4 years in isolation. A lot of good came from those 4 years of being alone and out of the abusive relationship. I healed and discovered old parts of myself. However, I had not *actually* healed the trauma-- the isolation just removed all triggers for it without actually deliberately addressing and unlearning the bad stuff. I attempted to go back into the world and was shocked when suddenly all these CPTSD symptoms hit again, harder than before. It's because it was still IN my body, like you said. After accidentally opening these wounds, I almost had a breakdown and finally started to examine what was wrong. I thought I only had to get away from the abuser and I would heal like a cut heals. But it's more like you have to reset a broken bone.
Thanks so much! Literally thought it was just me who felt like I had a different personality. People would say, “oh you’re so quiet and nice” and I would literally want to scream at them who I really am.❤
I was with a narcissist for 6 years and finally left in 2013 when my son was 2 and it was the hardest thing Ive ever done. I had to move in with my grandma and I told her do not let me go back to him no matter what. I had no money, no job, and my son. I am still trying to heal from it to this day.
You did it! It is so hard.
There's no words for how validating this 16 minutes were.
It does feel like the alarm is blaring 24/7. It is horrible. Exhausting.
Thanks, Michelle, for your knowledge.
You may have saved my life with this video. I've been stuck in this hypervigilent state for years. It's so overwhelming and unsafe to not feel okay in your own body. I question everything and felt like I was the only one doing this.
You are not alone. Peace to you on your journey 🦢
My common speech
was " I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you"...I got to a point of no comment when asked for an opinion....just mind blowing. Forever in the dogbox . Thank you for this uplifting information
So true! When I separated, I finally learnt to belly laugh again! That alone was medicine for my soul💛 When we block out/ignore our 4F response, we have to learn to trust ourselves again. Actually, I am relearning how to listen properly to people when conversing. I used to "shut off" subconsciously as a coping mechanism. I feel so FREE to be the person I was created to be!
What's 4F?
@@CC-xn5xi fight, flight, freeze, fawn👍🏻
Before I discovered and finally accepted that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder, I often wondered if I had some brain trauma specifically to my frontal cortex. It took me years to figure out her diagnosis and then once I did, and it took me over a year to be assured, that, yes, that is her diagnosis… but it was like the sun came out! All of my behaviors and reactions and feelings finally made sense, and for the past couple years I’ve been working diligently on healing. In addition, I’ve been single for close to five years now because I had to figure out what was going on with me and why I was attracted to certain types of men, before I can have a healthy relationship.
Thank you so much for the time you put into this, and I am looking forward to joining your group in a couple months!
I used to jump up from a chair if my ex husband walked into the room. I wasn’t “allowed” to sit. I was to clean the “right” way. I didn’t chew my food the right way. I didn’t look like I did when I was thirty. I was “annoying.” I used to hide in the barn with my daughter’s horses because I felt real empathy from them. Every night I went to bed I feared he would wake me up and physically abuse me because the towels were crooked or the sink wasn’t cleaned right. I still have nightmares thirteen years after he discarded me, then proceeded to stalk me, getting joy from seeing me scared.
I wish you all the best. What an absolute beast. Karma will come for him.
I'm so very sorry for what you've endured
I'm sorry you went through all that trauma 😢 you are strong and you are going to make it 😮😅❤
Ah, the treacherous journey of navigating life with a narcissistic mother and a narcissistic spouse. Their constant need for validation and control seemed to drain every ounce of warmth and vitality from my being, leaving me feeling cold and empty. The emotional toll was immeasurable, and anxiety, stress, and tension became unwelcome companions in my daily existence.
But amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope emerged when I discovered the power of mindfulness and the miraculous 4-7-8 breathing technique. Through the simple act of being present and focusing on my breath, I found a sanctuary within myself. The once overwhelming waves of anxiety began to recede, stress loosened its grip, and the knots of tension slowly unraveled.
This newfound practice of mindfulness and the 4-7-8 breathing technique transformed my world, allowing me to reclaim my emotional well-being. It granted me the power to rise above the suffocating grip of narcissistic projection and rediscover the joy of simply feeling better. In the midst of chaos, I found peace, and in the face of adversity, I found resilience. And for that, I am forever grateful.
Moreover, I have been able to regain some of my hobbies back and actually enjoy them once again. The weight of constant criticism and control no longer stifles my creative spirit. Painting, writing, dancing, and indulging in arcade video games have become sources of solace and self-expression. Engaging in these activities brings me a sense of fulfillment and reminds me of the person I am beyond the confines of narcissistic influence.
With each stroke of the brush or pen, with every graceful movement of my body, and with every thrilling game I conquer, I reclaim a part of myself that was once lost. These hobbies have become my refuge, allowing me to cultivate joy and find solace in the midst of the chaos. They remind me that I am more than the roles I play in the narcissistic dynamic, and they empower me to embrace my own identity and reclaim my sense of self.
In the face of narcissistic forces that seek to diminish and control, I have found a way to rise above and rediscover my passions. Through mindfulness, breathing, and the pursuit of my hobbies, I am reclaiming my life and finding joy once again. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Congratulation🎉🎉🎉 I envy you a little bit, but I am on the way also. It is so so satisfying to realize, there is a way out into the Light, and I feel so blessed, that it was shown me and that I have now the support and encouragement which was denied me as a child from my ohne mother, then from a spouse and now from my adult child. I bathe in gratefullness and thankfulness to finally heal from all this narcissistic crap.
Thank you for sharing your healing-path.
Greetings and love from Nuremberg ❤❤❤
5 Years this side of 19 years of that, I still have yet to become who I was before all of this. I am STILL cleaning up the deep financial mess she purposely created. I am MUCH better, but I am still not there. I have been trying to notice and stop the incredibly nasty self talk ! I have been 100% ghost all of this time, and she STILL creates legal issues and clandestine ways of attempting to goad me. Do they EVER die ??!! Karma is a myth for sure... LOL
Thus technique of breath work would make a great topic. 🙋
Ditto❤🎉
Excellent to read ,, I had a similar experience, after the narc discard I was broken shell of a man , discovered Wim hof breathing , mindful practice and then really got into meditation, what a life changing experience, rediscovering myself , my self awareness and starting a new life now , understanding it all a lot more now I have learned about narcissism too , realise her patterns , and my own
After he left the home, it took me three months just to find the vocabulary to explain to myself what I had just endured. It was horrific. That was my first step. Finding words to explain it to myself. It was such a sad time. Took a very long time to get to where I am now and I’m still in need of more recovery from his abuse.
Wow, you nailed it. After 30 years of malignant narcissistic abuse. I, too was always a happy person once. A random act of kindness on my part cost me 30 years of abuse. I finally had the courage to leave...5 years ago. Still, your video hust described me now...I rarely leave my home. Unfortunately being locked in on my property for the last 7 years instilled an odd comfort in being alone. My alarm blades still. I'm tired but way better without the constant shaming & gaslighting. Thank you.
This totally resonates with me. 25 years ago I left the narcissist. I was in therapy for several years I had a 3 year old and I became so positive and I was manifesting whatever I wanted. I was in such a great place. Several years later I was diagnosed with Cancer. I was positive through it, but it wrecked havoc on my body and part of my mind. Fast forward after my recovery and years later, I went to work for another company and I spent 3 years with a narcissistic boss and co-worker who tagged teamed me. There was back stabbing coworkers all around me and it brought me all those feelings back of 20 years ago and this time I am having a hard time getting over this. It was personal but it also hit upon my professional career. Imagine being in your profession for 35 years and being a pillar of my profession who tore me down. Created all types of gossip and just craziness around me. I released myself from that position eight months ago, and I’m still not recovered. I feel that narcissistic personalities will always find me and because of that I’m becoming almost a recluse. Thank you for helping me understand why I feel the way I do.
You're me practically. Being tag teamed at every job bullying team sport style. I just don't work. I stay home all day spend zero money and am around zero people. The pandemic was a good thing. It got me used to isolating. Anyone I've met here in florida (here 5 years) new friends are ALL FRICKEN NARCS! I get a load of their crap and dump em. I'm very happy having no manufactured chaos in my home.
Oh yeah happily divorced the narc 20 years ago. I don't date at all
This explains why I find socializing so exhausting. There was a time when I felt freer, more open and connected. Now it takes a lot of pep talk and recovery to go do things with others.
Being a guy that has a lifetime of covert narcissists i will tell you that i respond the same way to them all. I miss work, drink too much, nothing is enjoyable anymore. They are sneaky. They see what it is i empathize with and thats where they start getting their conflict supply. They know how to give just enough to keep you stuck on hope. Its a relationship that never breaks even. I swore i'd never get in another one after leaning what they are and i just ended one after 4 months. And this time i learned exactly where i went wrong. Trust your gut in the beginning and cut it off.
I think this can also be the case for someone with high sensitivity ADHD, high functioning autism, intense anxiety/social anxiety and OCD. The feeling you aren't "right" and you "should" know how to be "normal" it can get worse and worse and you end up exactly as you describe. Even with caring loving parents if society or others we love reject us or we can't cope with normal every day things you end up feeling hyper vigilant ultra critical all the time.
I have these same issues, too, though unsure about autism. It is such a struggle as I really don’t have a support system or family. My heart goes out to you
I also am coming to terms with these issues as well. For years I didn't understand what the issues were. Now I need to learn to adapt. God bless you all who suffer and i pray it gets better!
I can totally relate. I have OCD/BPD and am an HSP. I recently broke off a toxic friendship with my next door neighbor and she came at me like my narc mother would have. I have been mortified for the past month (I felt her child was in danger from her narc family members and the kid's father who has been on every drug out there/mentally unstable/chronic liar, so I called CPS to have it on record if something ever happened to the little boy) terrified she was going to scream at me. So much so, I didn't leave my apartment for well over a month. It's not that the friend was a narc, it's how her behavior throughout the friendship made me feel like I didn't matter and when she used me as a therapist, it triggered so many things. Including my inability to set boundaries. I am exhausted after that ordeal.
Before I found out that I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother I was diagnosed with ASD. Now I am pretty sure I was misdiagnosed. I met one of the basic traits, an extreme difficulty to approach others and make friends -actually I have none and I am happy alone. But overall I think if I am so private and secluded it's because I learned it in my childhood as a survival strategy before the cold shoulder my mother always gave to me when I dared to show my emotions.
Heck yes! It is painful. The more I try to interact with people, the more paranoid I become that there is something wrong with me. It feels hopeless.
I did not know I was depressed and anxious, cause I grew up with these feelings. It was normality for me.
Whith a covert narcissistic parent, i never mattered,and was mentally manipulated in every way since early childhood.
I never understood how people could be so relaxed and comfortable. But I learnt how to mimic it.
I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't know why.
Now I'm in my fifties,and have finally worked through this. It's been a struggle, and a lot of aha moments.
Learning to know who I really am ,under all the trauma ,was a long road to travel.
It almost took a Lifetime, but I'm finally here, smiling.
You are so correct..I absolutely knew all through the 21 years that I am structurally sound - if I could just remove that one factor I could rediscover all those lost pieces of me and make friends with them again. But we had a premmie baby and I pretended, planned and waited until my child was in high school until I made my move. Being stuck in covid lockdown financially supporting your abuser who refuses to do any work is a whole thing. Nine years it took from when I said “enough” to when it was finally over. And I knew I could start to heal, but wow you have to be very gentle and not force it. I am safe but am a different version of me, but my joy and creativity are peeking through 👀
This is really useful. I would also add that recovery from this sort of relationship - whether it was a parent, co-worker, boss or partner - does take some time. It’s a fantastic feeling when you finally get off the “crazy train” and start being able to access your executive brain again because you no longer experience daily trauma. Great work 👍🏻
WOW!! It was my therapist that led me to water and made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship, and more than likely I was the one being abused by a covert narcissist. My therapist recommended a book to me "In sheep's clothing" When I read the book I saw my life unfold on almost every page. It was more like getting hit with a bolt of lightening than a lightbulb going off.
I recommend that book all the time ❤.
@@josephineananda Bless you for recommending a book that I know helped me understand something that I had never even heard of before. (Covert Narcissism) I'm sure it has helped others open their eyes and just to become aware. The book helped me to make sense of behavior and things I honestly missed. I was blinded by love of someone who basically detested everything about me. It helped me accept the cold hard truth. I was a fool.
@@JohnKotch You were innocent which is a divine quality. Forgive yourself.
@@JohnKotchno not a fool. You were naive. ❤
Dear Lord, I'm so glad I found this channel. I've been researching narcissistic abuse for almost a year now via YT, and THIS is the one that seems to be spot on for me. I've been going down the rabbit hole on this channel for a few hours, and I can't thank you enough, Michele. Totally subscribed. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of me.
Welcome 💞
Good, everything she says is true. 17 years of marriage for me totally confused. Divorced 30 years now, but I didn’t know when I was in it what was happening to me. Only looking back can I recognise all of it. Then, my son married one and sadly took his life last year 😢he believed something wrong with him 😢
@@anne-vl7qfOMG, how devastating! I'm so sorry he felt the need to do that, and mostly that you're carrying that pain in your soul 😢
@@anne-vl7qf🙏🙏🙏
Dear lord I hope you found this by the 31st! The sale is over!!!
I had a covert narcissistic mother and at the age of 43 I decided to go no contact with her. It has only been 4 months of no contact and it feels like I will never heal. It is like I've been stuck in that mid brain survival mode my whole life. This video helped point that out to me and that I don't need to be stuck in it. Thanks for making this video. Knowledge is power and the more I know the more I can hopefully grow and heal.
I understand where your coming from, I'm the same age & similar background ❤ You might find psychologist Jay Reid on TH-cam really helpful too. Wishing you every success in your healing 😊
Stay no-contact and you will continue to heal, love. It's not easy. It'll feel like an uphill battle. And it will not happen over night (unfortunately). Little by little, you will heal. You will rediscover stuff you forgot about yourself and I guarantee you'll feel joy like a little kid on Christmas every time.
There are all kinds of TH-camrs on here who cover narcissism, use them. Find a great support group in your life. There are brighter days ahead!
Having an NPD mother is difficult to maintain no contact. My aging mother keeps roping me back in to help. Her husband died, she had horrible Covid, her dog died, her sister died. I’ve done my best to maintain my boundaries, I’m a strong, successful 54 year old woman for crying out loud. But every time she texts me, my body goes into full trauma response. It’s like kryptonite. I hope your no contact works better than mine. Only daughters of NPD mothers can understand. Stay strong!
It takes time.
I was married to one, and trust me, I never once thought I was the problem. I knew it was him, but life was very stressful to say the least. My other marriage my first husband was bi-polar, and very abusive. Now I don't put up with anything from anyone, I stand my ground period. I'm finally in a normal wonderful relationship. Praise God. 🙏 You have to let it go, forgive them, then you can heal. They have demonic spirits in them, and they seek out good kind spirits, to try and destroy their light within, because we have something they dont have.
"You are not depressed, lazy or unmotivated. You have lived so long in survivor mode that you are exhausted. There's a difference."
The person who wrote this statement is an angel. My sister sent me this very same statement at a time when I was really depressed and shaming myself. At that time, I didn't realize that I was suffering from CPTSD. I have been married to a covert narcissist for 21 years, together for 26; I have just recently been enlightened on his narcissism and the abuse that I have suffered over the years. The sad thing is that I had been clueless for so long. He is still clueless about it, (of course he's perfect).
I LEFT HIM 7 weeks ago and already feel so much better, lighter! I am now in my own place, doing WHAT I want, watching WHAT I want on TV, (I also have FULL control the remote control)🥰 eating what I want, when I want. I feel like it's almost heaven, and have a new man (he only meows) 😻If anyone is suffering from this type of trauma, run as fast as you can to your freedom! It's worth it; YOU are worth it... What Michele says is spot on. Make your days brighter; feel the sun on your face and the wind in your hair...GO AND MAKE YOUR SERENITY! Peace
I bet he purrs too! 😊
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
@dhd-00 Thankyou! I couldn't articulate this.I just had this dawning of horror AND terror, exactly like in a slasher movie. They never know their victims, why would they bother? I'll say this the next time some well-meaning, pious person explains to me how, "it takes two to make it work, you have a responsibility too you know"...
😮This video and now this comment are the best explanation of both why I act how I do, as well as why the narsassastic one In my life acts.. Thank you💜
This comment is beautifully written
"They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain." makes Abrahamic faiths sadly seem entirely male-centric narcissistic in their treatment of women.
Yes. They would do the same things no matter who they were, "involved with," or how. Not personal in the least.
I've watched a million videos on CPTSD but this one is one of my very favorites. It's very concise, simple, and reassuring. Thank you so much Michele!
I haven't lived with my stepdad in almost 20 years and I'm still stuck with every symptom you named. I don't relate to people who go to events or parties for fun because I'm too anxious and critical of myself. This makes me so sad because I feel robbed of having had a life. Thank you for making this video
‼️ I’m crying. I’ve never heard ANY of the experts explain it like this. I just want to be myself again. It feels like torture. Thank you so much for this! Just being able to relate with all you’ve shared feels somewhat healing… I know there’s plenty of deeper work to do.
Laughing again is a true thing- and it’s more about knowing it’s okay to laugh again or sing again. I even quit singing. It’s just being stuck in fear.
This describes the reason why the pain is constant, the fear is constant, 24 7, we are living in a hyperalert - panic danger state. You nailed this feeling. Its fear in the pit of your stomach.
My first memories began when I was in a highchair and we were at my aunt's house and she was locking me into the chair. Ever since that moment I have been me, and no one or nothing I have ever lived through changed me from being in the moment I woke up into that very day.
I've always been me in every moment since then and no matter what I have gone through or live through has never changed that fact whatsoever.
I've always been observing and have never been able to be wavered off my path.
I couldn't go to a therapist. I couldn't afford to and I couldn't afford for him to find out. So, I've had to use books and TH-cam. I discovered this about 9 years ago. It might have taken longer to do it this way, but I'm finally getting to a much better place and getting stronger and more my true self everyday. I am so glad this is recognized now and people are talking about it.
And yes this is me. I don't remember how really laughing feels. But I will get thru this. 13 years of intense abuse w my wife cheating w several exes and lying like a pro etc. Thank you for the video
My favorite book: "dealing with the crazymakers in your life" by Dr. David Hawkins...it helps understand these disturbing people. Love this channel.