Pro Screenwriter Fixes A Bad Scene - Glenn Gers
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ต.ค. 2021
- Glenn Gers has been a full-time professional writer of movies and television for 25 years. His credits include theatrical features, no-budget indies, TV staff and episodes, original movies for cable and streaming, such as BROTHER'S KEEPER (2002), FRACTURE (2007), MAD MONEY (2008) and many more. He has won multiple festival prizes and an Emmy. He provides tips for writing on his TH-cam channel Writing For Screens and offers script-consulting via his website Writingforscreens.com.
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The Six Questions
1 - Who is it about?
2 - What do they want?
3 - Why can't they get it? [the Obstacle]
4 - What do they do about it?
5 - Why doesn't it work?
6 - What is the end?
This is what I went back and rewatched this for - I have made 30 or more short films all terrible and now I know why - I did not ask or answer any of these questions before I started doing my animations - I got a real "aha" moment in his responses - thanks for posting this
This guy coached her so well, what a professional, thanks for this video
This video was great. Hearing how he thinks about the scene and how to reconstruct it with a particular purpose is really helpful. It'd be awesome to regularly have pros rewrite scenes like this. They don't have to be yours, maybe they can "rewrite" scenes from bad movies that are already produced.
This channel is a jewel for writers. Thank you so much for this work.
Thanks Magnus Ruben, great to see you finding value here.
"As you know..." is pretty much a death nail in any script. If someone already knows, why is it being said?
Good point. Thank you for the note, Ryan.
Lax &-
I know what you're saying, but I read it a little differently here: the company man using soulless business jargon to get to the point, you know, "We care greatly about the welfare of our employees, however..." I lost my job once with with the sentence beginning from my manager "Moving forward..." -left me thinking, "Well, I'm not!"
It's context specific, isn't it?
If Jill says to Bob in the street, "As you know, I work at the convenience store" purely for the sake of exposition then yeah, it's dumb, and it comes out of nowhere. Or, "As you know I joined this company three months ago" then, yeah, why is it being said. But if an employee is being reprimanded or fired, and the discussion is about *reminding* them of the rules, it makes sense. If this scene is about being patronised, or the dogmatic approach of the company/manager, it's not that out of place.
You could make it, "You've already been warned about..." but it's still fulfilling the same function.
“As you know” is never necessary. Period. It can be removed from the dialog every single time and it won’t change the meaning of whatever comes before or after those three words.
Every scene is an action. Dialogue last. Truth!
Or play the scene as is, if you focused on theme - living in a soulless and cruel corporate world - the scene shows what she's up against; people like Tommy, a kind of Coen-esque character in a Kafka world that she is fighting to survive in.
Damn, Glen is just fucking FIRE. I've had a couple short exchanges with him in the last year and he's always right on point, and is so good. This is no different, and I needed to hear this today.
Glenn is great!
Glenn always has very good advice and stays on the topic he's covering.
A Tarantino version of this scene could go pretty much anywhere…If only there was a sword mounted on the wall of Tommy’s office
This was good. Great advice, applicable to everyone and a great premise in that scene too. Mr Gers is also a good speaker.
Glenn Gers is THE best writing teacher ever!
Great format!
I would love more like this.
I would suggest the phrase “In Media Res”. Get in later, get out sooner. You don’t need all the ‘Hi, come in” etc…I would suggest starting the scene with “What are you talking about?”. Ignore the chatty build-up, and start the scene on the most important part of it, her reaction to being fired.
Great video and great idea for a scene, it kept me hooked. Love his advice! I always learn something new from watching your videos, thank you 🙏
Great to see you still finding value here. We appreciate the positive note. Cheers!
Love this example of working through a scene!
I love listening to Glenn. I always feel smarter for the experience. NOTE: It’s obvious Glenn’s been in the corporate environment.
Glenn is a treasure.
Wow, what an amazing insight into writer's mind!
I think Glenn Gers is right on the money. A scene is a move in a story but that "move" only really makes good sense if we know what the end game looks like - and we don't. Karen is suggesting - given the information she provides about Maya that this is a story about Maya but what we don't know is what her story is (we know what her life is like but that is not her story) such that any scene - and specifically this scene either moves her a step closer to her wants and/or needs or forces her further from what she wants. And indeed, if the story is about her then while she is in this scene she is Rosencrantz, not Hamlet. This is Tommy's scene. He's in the driver's seat and he knows it. There is no ironic space to suggest that Maya may have imagined that she was going to drive this scene and make something happen, only to find that Tommy flipped the table. From the offset the action is driven by Tommy and driven right into her. She makes nothing happen. Quite the opposite. Stuff happens. To her.
I wouldn’t call it a bad scene in the title!!! It’s a great scene! And thanks for the info!!
Thank you Niki!
Since it's set in a Human Resources dept. you have to remember to portray the HR person as a real humorless piece of garbage for reality's sake
He has a certificate in empathy training (proudly displayed above his desk). Thanks for watching, Mike.
Well done Glenn!
I would wait to read the entire draft first. It is a matter of balances. And genre.
Thanks!
Thank you so much Jose! Great to see you find value with this one.
Why don’t you show the text at all?
Right...lost me in the first few seconds...I couldn't understand her...
This company would sound like it would have cameras. Maya would feel the need to pay somebody to find out how and why this happen, by retrieving the camera footage.
They need her access key and card to make sure she doesn’t regain access to the files and documents in which she accidentally saw but has no ideal of the relevance or importance of said documents but it turns out that another coworker has been using her computer to set the company up and Maya to take the downfall.
It would have been interesting if we moved ahead in time. As in, lets assume the conversation happened in Tommy's office and later Maya storms off to her desk. The scene begins as Maya packs her stuff, and fiercely argues with Tommy (who stands across the room) about these false accusations (sprinkled with minor cuss words). Tommy noticing her anger, threatens to call security. The dialogue, whatever was discussed in the video could be condensed. Even if this information is exposition, it would tell lot about her character (and her flaw) while also shedding light on what the job meant to her.
As was discussed in the video, it depends on the rest of the story. If this is an early scene and we are only meant to see her lose her job, then I agree we could skip the entire conversation in the office. Show her arriving at work, getting an invitation to the boss’s office, then cut to her cleaning out her desk with a security person waiting patiently to escort her out of the building. One minute of screen time and move on with the actual plot.
How would you critique this scene?
In answer to how I would critique this scene, the first thought that came to mind was, I would never have that meeting without a third party present as a witness. And never behind a closed door. Ever.
The first decision is whether this story is in a shared cinematic universe with the sheltered high society librarian who falls in love with the ex-con.
Depends on how much you believe in The Pixar Theory. : )
That was actually a really good scene Karen! I was waiting for her to tell her boss to check security footage to see who was working at her computer.
Good point. Unless the culprit got into that as well! Or "the cameras were not working that day." Thanks for watching. :)
This is great. As Glenn said, Is this job firing pivotal to the story and pivotal to her overall goal. It raises some interesting questions. From this scene alone, and I don't know the protagonist but she doesn't appear to be lying by the her overall behaviour and dialogue, now I wonder who has been setting her up for her being fired and why, great.
There is a little detail I would respectfully disagree with Glenn on. In a direct conflict scene the main character would need a more direct and pro-active goal. But here, it's more of an event that is happening to the character that is out of her control and will ultimately build empathy, she can simply just be defending herself. She is not in pursuit of a goal that she needs Tommy to help complete, so simply being there defending her innocence works perfectly imo.
I agree totally with Glenn on what the story is ultimately about and from there that will influence her goal, why she wants what she wants and the overall stakes involved, why those stakes matter emotionally to her specifically.
An essential piece of context is missing for me to really empathise with the protagonist.
I need to viscerally experience the stakes of being fired, what does that look and feel like for this character? then I can really feel the weight of being fired, and an extra step, why was being fired from this job so personally, emotionally bad for her? You mentioned her she has a child.
When she is fired, why will that be so internally bad for her, yes she has a child, but what specifically on an emotional level does that mean for her and her child, not anyone else, her, this character alone? Will she feel undeserving of being a mother? guilty of being neglectful? lost respect for herself? has she let down the only love she gets in her life? ...
...Then you REALLY have my attention, now I'm really rooting for her to get it back and get justice. Great going. Let me, the reader experience the lack of a job and how that has an impact on her and her child. Then I can really empathise with her, don't just tell me it's bad for her and her child, let me experience the weight of it, great stuff. I'm starting to feel like I need to see more of this now, haha....will there be more? Do you have more?
And btw, that took guts to share here in public, thank you very much. :)
Great breakdown Richard! We commend you for posting! To answer your question, this is all we have for this scene. But maybe you will enjoy this exercise - th-cam.com/video/_UUjLJxDJ0s/w-d-xo.html
@@filmcourage This is so cool. It's 3 am where I am (Ireland) Let me get back to you on this. Great idea. I can feel the tiredness, wanna do this fresh eyed. Thank you for the link. ;)
Comedic take:
Maya poking her head in, surprising Tommy.
"Tommy?"
Startled, Tommy gets up to close the door but bangs his knee on his desk. Tommy is diligent but shows his awkward youth.
"Maya, yes, come in."
Maya has turned to scan the rest of the office. Does she know already that this is a setup? Does she expect this to be a closed-door meeting? Has she been here long enough that she suspects something is up?
Tommy is too close when we turn back with Maya, who has shut the door. An inappropriate distance for an HR professional, that's for sure. We get a chance to size them up against each other.
Maya smiles, a polite tight-lipped smile then sits. She is content to let everyone play their roles. Tommy adjusts the blinds and sits back down, smoothing his jacket. He is embarrassed, attempting to regain control.
Tommy explains the purpose of the meeting. Back and forth. Close in on Maya. Maya protests, Tommy doubles down. Reveal Tommy's screen to the audience, but not Maya.
Fun options:
- The budget prompting layoffs. Is the accusation legitimate? Does Tommy care to investigate it further? Is he simply appeasing the rest of the office and accounting in one move? Tommy makes a comment about work culture, we get the insight that everyone knows Maya doesn't fit in.
- Muted camgirl or video game. Classic "do as I say not as I do."
- A personal order from Linen N Things. Comment as Maya leaves on product quality or asks for an opinion on a decision for his own cart.
I want to be surprised or engaged!
I already liked the video in the first minute, but now I really like this video, so you should count mine double 👍😉
Definitely sounds like a precursor scene to the story of Maya finding her life’s work and mission. The universe is just telling her she doesn’t need corporate tools like Tommy in her sphere anymore.
Ha ha ha, the title really roasts the interviewer, huh?
"first off, change it to a man and change the hr office to a cool space battle cruiser"
I'm assuming that's what he said.
Can i see the rest of the scene please??
If I come here long enough I'll get my writing degree and not owe anything.
As someone who has been unfairly accused time and time again, I found myself really relating to Maya's situation. So the scene didn't actually need to be changed at all... For me. I liked the slow build up of suspense and if anything needed refinement I would certainly lock in on that. For others, the scene may need to do more work to conjure that feeling, or another feeling if that's not something you care about very much as reader or writer. Now, I'm an amateur at story but the point of a scene to me (besides relaying information) is to show feelings change between characters in a way that the reader/viewer can relate.
9:00
There’s ‘little enough’ to make the story about tommy, there’s ‘not enough’ to make the story about the lady who’s being sacked and there’s ‘almost nothing ‘ to make the story about the anonymous character that used the computer... tommy could simply be the cooperate villain that takes down any potential/super hero who would put him out of work for mediocrity or outright guru who leeches on the company. An “okay” dialogue that reveals less ...
Thank you. We appreciate the feedback. Looking to improve the stagnant dialogue and characters. If there was more time, I would have created a cast of characters as possible anonymous computer users. Helpful notes. Thanks again for watching.
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Is this a 'resentful employee returns to bring down a corrupt corporation story ', Karen? A defiant / unjustly treated employee -- fired on a technicality realises she discovered something important.. a cover up -- returns to take on the giant and wins? There's something about that website... that she knows that can bring them all down.. and they fired her to keep it hidden... terrified she will come back. with a single mothery kind of vengeance.