I was killing myself laughing at this review - loved it, the review, that is 😛 I finally watched John Carter tonight. Didn't hate it but I get exactly, what he means here 😃
I thought 'of Mars' would've actually brought it across as something unlike anything else you'll see that year. I mean it makes it sound more interesting.
I think the interview they did with the director Andrew Stanton was very testy and that's why they ripped John Carter a new one lol. It's a very average movie (with moments) that wasn't worth that much of a rant 😂
myself and my kids really enjoyed this when it came out in the cinema and watch it irregularly on bluray. when it was released, it had had what the Star Wars prequels was missing, heart and dazzling adventure. everyone I know enjoys it, a real shame it didn't become a franchise
Disagree entirely with that Star Wars prequel claim, MAINLY about Revenge of the Sith. I would certainly say that the movie certainly DID have heart and a GRAND "dazzling adventure" especially from the start for Anakin and Obi-wan ESPECIALLY from the start, the film has problems but emotional heart for it's characters. Revenge of the Sith is still amazing and awesome to this day even with the scattered flaws in the movie like romance and dialogue. The film is outstanding from creating art direction, character/costume design, atmosphere/tone, fight scenes, music that fits the scenes, outstanding visual shots, and even plotting even with scattered flaws like dialogue and romance still unfortunately sucks. It’s an amazing dark tragedy of a film that’s well-made.
@@Tormented22 lol Not even close, there was ALOTS of great things within the prequel movies from concepts to world building and characters. It’s just that prequel movies FAIL as films as they struggle to be well made movies with BASIC aspects of filmmaking, directing, and writing. And the Phantom Menace being the the biggest example of this as that film is easily considered one of the worst blockbuster films of all time and a complete embarrassment of a movie. But the WORLD of the prequels and the concepts they provide as a whole far prove there’s MASSIVE redeeming features to them so for you to say that the they don’t “wiTHoUt a siNgLe rEdEeMInG fEaTuRe” is just factually NOT true at all. Star Wars the Clone Wars, which is a massively beloved show and widely praised, shows and PROOFS that a lot of the stuff in the prequel movies CAN work but it’s about the execution of the world and characters with basic directing, that Lucas struggled with in a fundamental level, can be IMMENSELY fantastic and phenomenally praised from how well everything is done in presentation. What you’re saying here is badly misguided when you look at the movies OUTSIDE of the prequel movies themselves and even the stuff IN the prequel movies that have amazingly well done stuff to them!
@@Tormented22 Not even close, there was ALOTS of great things within the prequel movies from concepts to world building and characters. It’s just that prequel movies don’t do so good as films as they struggle to be well made movies with BASIC aspects of filmmaking, directing, and writing. And the Phantom Menace being the the biggest example of this as that film is easily considered one of the worst blockbuster films of all time. But the WORLD of the prequels and the concepts they provide as a whole far prove there’s MASSIVE redeeming features to them so for you to say that what you said at the end of your last sentence is just factually NOT true at all. Star Wars the Clone Wars, which is a massively beloved show and widely praised, shows and PROOFS that a lot of the stuff in the prequel movies CAN work but it’s about the execution of the world and characters with basic directing, that Lucas struggled with in a fundamental level, can be IMMENSELY fantastic and phenomenally praised from how well everything is done in presentation. What you’re saying here is incredibly mis-viewed when you look at the movies OUTSIDE of the prequel movies themselves and even the stuff IN the prequel movies that have amazingly well done stuff to them!
@@Gadget-Walkmen If you were a child when you first saw them and they were your first experiences of Star Wars, fine. Otherwise, no, they're shite. From top to bottom. I'm sitting here now trying to think of a single redeeming feature. I can't.
"Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Fourth Frang of the Fiddly-Fong" Now that's a movie I'd want to see. Especially if it was set on the planet Hrothgar-Flom.
One of those cases where i heard such bad things I was pleasently suprised when I came to watch the film because i was expecting something catastrophic. I loved the imagination, great soundtrack, good cast, reasonable story and some good effects. I think Kermode was being a bit harsh... John Carter: 7.2/10
I like that the photo you’ve used for this clip shows, in my head, the faces that Simon and Mark are making during this review. The thing is, the photo is almost certainly accurate.
The good doctor is completely right. John Carter is stupefyingly dull and it's always a bad sign when you spend time looking away from the screen and counting how many (empty) seats are in front of you - something I did several times!
Yep same here - Actually saw it about 2.5 - 3 times. It's just a chilled out feast for the eyes. Particularly like the bit where they go 'Who will commit your metal to mine...' or something like that :D
A bit harsh. I thought it had a bit more of the old Sinbad/Battle Beyond the Stars charm about it than most recent films of the genre, and certainly more enjoyable than any of the Star Wars prequels.
I remember reading somewhere that the 'of Mars' bit was removed after a film called 'Mars Needs Moms', also by Disney, was a box office bomb the year before John Carter was released. Disney thought relating films to Mars reduced their commercial success - for some reason. Wish I knew where I read that so I could link it here.
I remember that as well. The thing is, this movie relies upon a core audience that knows the source material. Even the ads emphasized that the books were the inspiration for much of the sci fi we've loved since. So I'm not sure who the title change was meant to fool.
It is very common for studio eccentrically worrying about titles. Dino De Laurentiis who only called a film Manhunter instead of Red Dragon because he was worried that nobody would watch a film with a Dragon on a title, As he produced a Michael Cimino film Year of The Dragon which flopped.
Disney: "It's imperative that that the true name of the planet in John Carter is kept a secret from the audience until they watch the film for themselves in order to maintain the mystery behind the story." Kermode: "John Carter OF MARS!!"
I don't get how removing the words "of Mars" would encourage people to see it. Sure it worked for Total Recall, but films like Red Planet and Doom flopped and they were set on Mars.
If you watch an interview of Andrew Stanton talking about John Carter, then watch Gareth Edwards' Monsters you really value the skill of proper filmmaking given that the latter cost around a quarter of a million.
He said 11 year old. And he didn't say he was giving judgment on it, just if he'd 'want to go and see it'; and with all the marketing costs that went into it like Mark said, it didn't do a very good job, especially since Mark says his son is a big Star Wars fan. Yeah, he got the bit about Simon being asleep, but he's using hyperbole about John Carter 'only being able to jump'.
LMAO at: 'makes Dune look like Speed!' I didn't want to see this from the trailers, so this rant confirms some of my fears and even MovieBob said something to the effect that it's a so-so movie.
Absolutely agree on the name change. An utterly stupid move, especially given that there are still plenty of fans of the old Barsoom series around. It's outdated, pulpy, planetary romance SF, sure, but if you're going to do an adaptation, why hide it ? Imagine if Jackson was adapting LOTR, but kept going on and on about "oh, I'm not sure this is related to Tolkien, I can't say much more, but...". Long story short, screw focus groups, screw dumb directorial and production decisions. "Spending too much money on a film you're not sure anyone wants to see..." is quite emblematic of this as well.
@agmor1 Oh God, later he tries to make the point that it is boring and suggests Mayo fell asleep to back up his point.Poor Mayo, he has to tolerate this nonsense.
he liked it but thought that it wasn´t scary enough (although stated too that being a horrong fan this was to be expected and that the movie was good fun)
@Loosecrewproductions You're right. He can't express boredom with anything but banality, which explains why his attempts to expand on his ideas are either wrong (asserting that Mayo fell asleep) or just a series of adjectives.
I loved this movie. It wasn't extraordinary or ground breaking but I enjoyed every minute of it. I thought the was story intriguing and the characters were likeable, which is more than I can say for Avatar.
Hahah, yeah, thats a good point. That statement just made him sound so arrogant and self involved, you'll never hear Christopher Nolan say he makes films just for himself, because there's an army of fans who rely on him to properly adapt the work they care about. It made me so angry when the head of production resigned recently, and Andrew Stanton will get to carry on making indulgent rubbish
They were doing it in the context of filmmakers altering films in order to appeal to a wider audience. It's not like they just talked about "of Mars" for that long.
Sorry Flash Gordon wins this whole world of films. This doesn't have Brian Blessed screaming "CARTER'S ALIVE!". Thus, it doesn't stand up to Flash Gordon, the high benchmark, it wasn't even Immortals which was pretty naff imo.
@badhead Just out of curiosity, how comes you don't upload these no more? This was an absolutely excremental film. It's incredible that $250m can be spent on a movie like this. The day that mega-budget films aren't in the least bit entertaining is a dismal day. This is that day.
"Well shall we do "Raven" or "John Carter.........OF MARS?!"
You mean John Carpenter
5m 39s
😂
"Thrangy throng in the hiddly bang diddly bong bong script." 8:36
It's like Ned Flanders on acid.
I was killing myself laughing at this review - loved it, the review, that is 😛 I finally watched John Carter tonight. Didn't hate it but I get exactly, what he means here 😃
If only they put that on the movie poster.
"When the fourth frang of the fillyfong came from the planet Froffgar Frong"
I love the image used for this video. They look like a duo you would see on an episode of The Twilight Zone. Their faces are so full of character.
The "beeps" had me laughing out load.
Simon and I said, “I’ve had a nerf” in unison.
Why the two of you would declare in half French that you've just eaten an egg is frankly beyond me.
"Makes Dune look like Speed" should have been on the poster
"Thrangy-throng in the hiddley-bang-diddley-bomb-bomb script" = a moment of Kermodian genius.
Is THAT your definition of genius? 🙄
@@kadiummusic It was clearly a joke. From over a decade ago.
I thought 'of Mars' would've actually brought it across as something unlike anything else you'll see that year. I mean it makes it sound more interesting.
A one word synopsis? MARS.
5:39 John Carpenter
John Carpenter's Ghosts OF MARS
@@ZuluRomeo awful movie.
I never really had an opinion of Simon Mayo but I think he’s quite a good presenter now with quite a dry sense of humour
Am i the only person who actually enjoyed this film? Sure its nothing special but it was an enjoyable romp.
You're not alone. It really is a turn-off-your-brain film.
I think the interview they did with the director Andrew Stanton was very testy and that's why they ripped John Carter a new one lol. It's a very average movie (with moments) that wasn't worth that much of a rant 😂
"You are on Barsoom, John Carter."
"Shit. SHIT."
myself and my kids really enjoyed this when it came out in the cinema and watch it irregularly on bluray. when it was released, it had had what the Star Wars prequels was missing, heart and dazzling adventure.
everyone I know enjoys it, a real shame it didn't become a franchise
Disagree entirely with that Star Wars prequel claim, MAINLY about Revenge of the Sith. I would certainly say that the movie certainly DID have heart and a GRAND "dazzling adventure" especially from the start for Anakin and Obi-wan ESPECIALLY from the start, the film has problems but emotional heart for it's characters. Revenge of the Sith is still amazing and awesome to this day even with the scattered flaws in the movie like romance and dialogue. The film is outstanding from creating art direction, character/costume design, atmosphere/tone, fight scenes, music that fits the scenes, outstanding visual shots, and even plotting even with scattered flaws like dialogue and romance still unfortunately sucks. It’s an amazing dark tragedy of a film that’s well-made.
@@Gadget-Walkmen You're entitled to enjoy anything you want, but the prequels were utter shite. UTTER shite without a single redeeming feature.
@@Tormented22 lol Not even close, there was ALOTS of great things within the prequel movies from concepts to world building and characters. It’s just that prequel movies FAIL as films as they struggle to be well made movies with BASIC aspects of filmmaking, directing, and writing. And the Phantom Menace being the the biggest example of this as that film is easily considered one of the worst blockbuster films of all time and a complete embarrassment of a movie.
But the WORLD of the prequels and the concepts they provide as a whole far prove there’s MASSIVE redeeming features to them so for you to say that the they don’t “wiTHoUt a siNgLe rEdEeMInG fEaTuRe” is just factually NOT true at all.
Star Wars the Clone Wars, which is a massively beloved show and widely praised, shows and PROOFS that a lot of the stuff in the prequel movies CAN work but it’s about the execution of the world and characters with basic directing, that Lucas struggled with in a fundamental level, can be IMMENSELY fantastic and phenomenally praised from how well everything is done in presentation.
What you’re saying here is badly misguided when you look at the movies OUTSIDE of the prequel movies themselves and even the stuff IN the prequel movies that have amazingly well done stuff to them!
@@Tormented22
Not even close, there was ALOTS of great things within the prequel movies from concepts to world building and characters. It’s just that prequel movies don’t do so good as films as they struggle to be well made movies with BASIC aspects of filmmaking, directing, and writing. And the Phantom Menace being the the biggest example of this as that film is easily considered one of the worst blockbuster films of all time.
But the WORLD of the prequels and the concepts they provide as a whole far prove there’s MASSIVE redeeming features to them so for you to say that what you said at the end of your last sentence is just factually NOT true at all.
Star Wars the Clone Wars, which is a massively beloved show and widely praised, shows and PROOFS that a lot of the stuff in the prequel movies CAN work but it’s about the execution of the world and characters with basic directing, that Lucas struggled with in a fundamental level, can be IMMENSELY fantastic and phenomenally praised from how well everything is done in presentation.
What you’re saying here is incredibly mis-viewed when you look at the movies OUTSIDE of the prequel movies themselves and even the stuff IN the prequel movies that have amazingly well done stuff to them!
@@Gadget-Walkmen If you were a child when you first saw them and they were your first experiences of Star Wars, fine.
Otherwise, no, they're shite. From top to bottom. I'm sitting here now trying to think of a single redeeming feature. I can't.
3:10 The beeping can either be "Mars" or "FUCK!"
"You are on Ba-soon John Carter!"
"Fuck?......Fuck!.......Good God....FUCK!!!"
The desk has a great kind of bass drum sound as Mark pounds it rhythmically, con brio.
The whole censoring 'Mars' out amused me more then it should have done.
"Benjamin Sniddlegrass and the Fourth Frang of the Fiddly-Fong"
Now that's a movie I'd want to see. Especially if it was set on the planet Hrothgar-Flom.
John Carpenter of Mars sounds cooler. Now that would be a Thing.
So did he like it or not?
I....I think he did.
@@SIGNIFYING_NOTHING I know I did. "VIRGINIA!!!"
One of those cases where i heard such bad things I was pleasently suprised when I came to watch the film because i was expecting something catastrophic. I loved the imagination, great soundtrack, good cast, reasonable story and some good effects. I think Kermode was being a bit harsh... John Carter: 7.2/10
It was complete toilet from the off. I can’t even remember watching it. Terrible...
@j black
I remember that Mars dog. Best part of the movie 🍻
Wait was it on Mars?! Damn, you spoiled it!
I like that the photo you’ve used for this clip shows, in my head, the faces that Simon and Mark are making during this review.
The thing is, the photo is almost certainly accurate.
The good doctor is completely right. John Carter is stupefyingly dull and it's always a bad sign when you spend time looking away from the screen and counting how many (empty) seats are in front of you - something I did several times!
Completely and utterly agree with Mark Kermode.
Just watched this... Is it bad that I thought it was quite good. Didn't fell overlong, and a good yarn. Still what do I know....
On a more positive note, Michael Giacchino's music was pretty good.
Lady in the Water, by M Knight Shyamalan, really got on my Narfs
Mark's rant is more fun that this movie!
great review
What did Nick Partington say? WHAT DID NICK PARTINGTON SAY?
I don't understand the heavy criticism of this film I actually quite enjoyed it
Yep same here - Actually saw it about 2.5 - 3 times. It's just a chilled out feast for the eyes. Particularly like the bit where they go 'Who will commit your metal to mine...' or something like that :D
Oh, I do love a good rant!
A bit harsh. I thought it had a bit more of the old Sinbad/Battle Beyond the Stars charm about it than most recent films of the genre, and certainly more enjoyable than any of the Star Wars prequels.
Amen.
Actually, it should have been A Princess ... OF MARS.
I remember reading somewhere that the 'of Mars' bit was removed after a film called 'Mars Needs Moms', also by Disney, was a box office bomb the year before John Carter was released. Disney thought relating films to Mars reduced their commercial success - for some reason.
Wish I knew where I read that so I could link it here.
I remember that as well. The thing is, this movie relies upon a core audience that knows the source material. Even the ads emphasized that the books were the inspiration for much of the sci fi we've loved since. So I'm not sure who the title change was meant to fool.
It is very common for studio eccentrically worrying about titles. Dino De Laurentiis who only called a film Manhunter instead of Red Dragon because he was worried that nobody would watch a film with a Dragon on a title, As he produced a Michael Cimino film Year of The Dragon which flopped.
Disney: "It's imperative that that the true name of the planet in John Carter is kept a secret from the audience until they watch the film for themselves in order to maintain the mystery behind the story."
Kermode: "John Carter OF MARS!!"
“John Carter… OF MARS!”
Just think of ALL the amazing movies by directors that cost under £1 Million Dollars...& then throw them in VHS format at that "Director"
I liked it. But I saw it on TV for free.
The British remake is John Carter of Cadbury 😜
I don't get how removing the words "of Mars" would encourage people to see it. Sure it worked for Total Recall, but films like Red Planet and Doom flopped and they were set on Mars.
Every time I hear the bleep after being told he is on Mars in the quote, I imagine he’s Birdsonging like crazy 😂
Its a nice little sunday afternoon film 6/10
I fell asleep twice in this movie
If you watch an interview of Andrew Stanton talking about John Carter, then watch Gareth Edwards' Monsters you really value the skill of proper filmmaking given that the latter cost around a quarter of a million.
What? There's a film about John Carpenter on Mars?
Is that a sequel to Ghosts of Mars?
No, it's not boring. It's quite fun Mark. Are you sure we saw the same film?
Darren, who wrote in on 0:32, was so spot on
The kiss of death for me is one word…”Disney”. It has been for years.
Biddleybongs and the schnarfkarps hidden in the boddleybings
BUT WHAT DID SNICK PARTINGTON SAY?
You should watch Kermode's reviews of the Pirates movies. That of the third one is especially epic.
Never been so bored by a film in my life.
Good.
User Name, yeah man, I normally pick ‘em really well. John Carter was a rare misstep.
@@terratrema I wasn't expecting a reply to a 7 year old comment. Congratulations. I enjoyed it, but I read the book as a kid.
I wonder what planet they were bleeping out in the clip
That was a planet?
I thought it was a expletive!
roggeray "John Carter, you've just landed on shit"
***** It's Saturn, isn't it?
***** Of course! You're right! So it is!
Max Bennie it’s.....URANUS....🤭🤭
His wolfly stuff is that he trampolines around Los Angeles lol
Hey Mark... u mad bro?
I will defend this movie till I die
They bleep Mars. LOL.
Merciless.
I quite liked it.
Does anyone know what Mark thought of "The Cabin In the Woods"? Thanks x
Compared to Prometheus, John Carter is Citizen Kane.
When Mark was talking about Heaven's Gate all I could think was "would he be known as Kermode-ody?"
A Fuck a day helps you work, rest and play.
He said 11 year old. And he didn't say he was giving judgment on it, just if he'd 'want to go and see it'; and with all the marketing costs that went into it like Mark said, it didn't do a very good job, especially since Mark says his son is a big Star Wars fan. Yeah, he got the bit about Simon being asleep, but he's using hyperbole about John Carter 'only being able to jump'.
From the planet Frofgaarfrom!
You are from Jizzom? And you are on bosom? Ok, If you say so...
LMAO at: 'makes Dune look like Speed!' I didn't want to see this from the trailers, so this rant confirms some of my fears and even MovieBob said something to the effect that it's a so-so movie.
Absolutely agree on the name change. An utterly stupid move, especially given that there are still plenty of fans of the old Barsoom series around. It's outdated, pulpy, planetary romance SF, sure, but if you're going to do an adaptation, why hide it ? Imagine if Jackson was adapting LOTR, but kept going on and on about "oh, I'm not sure this is related to Tolkien, I can't say much more, but...". Long story short, screw focus groups, screw dumb directorial and production decisions.
"Spending too much money on a film you're not sure anyone wants to see..." is quite emblematic of this as well.
He rather liked it. Although he said not scary enough.
First 45 minutes is brilliant, then they introduce the princess and it just goes downhill from there.
@agmor1 Oh God, later he tries to make the point that it is boring and suggests Mayo fell asleep to back up his point.Poor Mayo, he has to tolerate this nonsense.
He hasn't been frustrated and angry since Bride Wars!
Katie Melua - Mary Pickford (Official Video) ~ Can't have Artists that are United, can TH£Y ?
I like the film.
he liked it but thought that it wasn´t scary enough (although stated too that being a horrong fan this was to be expected and that the movie was good fun)
So did you like it Mark, or did you think it was boring?
Hahaha....does he start banging the table at the end? Hilarious.
@RolandDeschain1 Well, he did get really cross about The Phantom Menace 3D, and This Means War and Wanderlust last week.
@Loosecrewproductions You're right. He can't express boredom with anything but banality, which explains why his attempts to expand on his ideas are either wrong (asserting that Mayo fell asleep) or just a series of adjectives.
Doesn’t really get it does he.
I liked John Carter.
It's John Carter O F M A R S ! ! ! ! !
I loved this movie. It wasn't extraordinary or ground breaking but I enjoyed every minute of it. I thought the was story intriguing and the characters were likeable, which is more than I can say for Avatar.
Remember liking this movie quite a bit.
Hahah, yeah, thats a good point. That statement just made him sound so arrogant and self involved, you'll never hear Christopher Nolan say he makes films just for himself, because there's an army of fans who rely on him to properly adapt the work they care about. It made me so angry when the head of production resigned recently, and Andrew Stanton will get to carry on making indulgent rubbish
I wonder what Danny Boyle could do with $5 mill....
Shallow Grave AND Trainspotting as it turns out
"I'm not going to shout" - oh Mark, you dirty liar.
liked it... BUT I saw it in 2-D
saw Huger games and spent most of the time watching the audience leaving the theater angry
They were doing it in the context of filmmakers altering films in order to appeal to a wider audience. It's not like they just talked about "of Mars" for that long.
Did any of you actually watch this movie after hearing this review? (I've never seen it.)
Just watched it tonight after avoiding it because of this review. It's thoroughly good shlock.
Nothing special but I’ve seen worse
That's in the Hitchiker's Guide universe...
So he liked it then.
I enjoyed it. :)
Lowedred expectations....
I think we should do John Carter OF MARS!!!
Sorry Flash Gordon wins this whole world of films. This doesn't have Brian Blessed screaming "CARTER'S ALIVE!". Thus, it doesn't stand up to Flash Gordon, the high benchmark, it wasn't even Immortals which was pretty naff imo.
Flash Gordon remains the benchmark for all cinematic classic space opera.
and made SUNSHINE look like a $100,000,000 movie! ($40,000,000)
@badhead
Just out of curiosity, how comes you don't upload these no more?
This was an absolutely excremental film.
It's incredible that $250m can be spent on a movie like this. The day that mega-budget films aren't in the least bit entertaining is a dismal day.
This is that day.