Recently ended a 2 year relationship because I didn't feel like I loved him enough, there wasn't any excitement and I felt like my lack of passion was an issue. I've gone back to someone who is really unpredictable and chaotic who I feel crazy about, but just now realising that I'm only crazy about him because he's everything I subconsciously crave - and my ex was a long, slow burning love that was safe and confortable but to me, boring. I really wish I'd found your channel and seen this a year ago. Maybe I wouldn't have thrown it away.
Oh man, I’ve a boyfriend for 2 years and I feel this what you said.. it is such a weird feeling. One day you love them and the other you don’t feel anything
Thank you for another fantastic video Paulien! I am an FA that has struggled to have any kind of romantic relationship, but I can still see the truths of everything you mentioned. I think, having worked a lot on myself outside of a relationship now for a long time I would also add that I think many of us insecurely attached people are also unconsciously looking for saviours. I suspect a lot of us would struggle with a healthy relationship because a lot of us actually gravitate towards enmeshment and codependency despite also being terrified of it. I suspect that in a healthy relationship the other person has good boundaries and is good at taking care of a lot of their own needs. I think what a lot of us insecure attached people are looking for is that constant validation that we are not the terrible bad people that the unhealed child in us thinks we are. A really secure person just isn’t going to spend the time giving that to us in the volume and level we want because they will recognize correctly that it’s an obsession of ours and not healthy for them to get sucked into.
I love your course!! It has helped to transform my life like nothing I’ve tried before. Thank you! If anyone is thinking of trying it I recommend it. I was broke, suffering from a bad breakup, and depressed. This course helped me to rewire my brain. My relationship to myself is calmer, my family relationships are calmer, more close, I’m making friends, going on dates, planning for my future, more present, better relationship to money. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this information after you have healed yourself, Paulien. ❤❤❤❤ Thank you.
Wow! I had to stop the video after I learned regarding the approval high. 😮 that has been my pattern all my life 😢😢😢 finally I’m healing because I want that stable relationship even if i get bored…
Thank you ! I now understand why I was not attracted to some men when I was a young adult, as my best friends were. I think I am now ready... Let's see...
Interesting reasons! I think there's one more reason, the simpliest one. In healthy relationships, FA's needs are aren't meet. Secure attached person love you, but don't put you on pedestal that much as AP does. They give you space but not that much as DA does.
hearing you talk about the highs feeling empty is helpful. i have been working on healing for the past few months, and i have realized i no longer want the highs and lows. the highs were getting hard to enjoy because i knew a low was just around the corner. it is really scary to let go of this dynamic because without it, i feel a numbness. i dont know if you have talked about this in a different video, but i would love to hear how the transition to craving highs and lows to loving the steadiness happened. hopefully this makes sense ❤
Thank you, Paulien! Your words are so comforting. Sadly, my mom died about a week ago and since then, I have felt intensely avoidant with my partner. I drive around after work so that I can avoid seeing him, am annoyed by everything that he does and I feel sick when he touches me. I had been feeling very secure and happy in our relationship for nearly 6 months, and now I feel triggered all over again. Have you ever experienced anything like this? Is there some connection between grief/loss and avoidance? I haven’t been able to find any advice on the subject and would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you very everything that you do! You have gotten me through some very dark times-I appreciate you so much. ❤
Yes, there is a connection. For hard emotions we shut down because is too painful for us. I didn’t have a partner when my dad died but I shut down from my friends and family. I didn’t want to be around them. I feel that if you love your husband, you need to tell him about this so both of you can find a solution. I remember one friend of mine came to my house unannounced, hugged me, and left. And I realize how much I needed that hug. We need to feel save and loved when we are grieving. ❤
@@balamxe2024 thank you for your very thoughtful reply! You’re right-I do need to talk to my partner. I’m hoping this phase won’t last too long. And I hope you’re doing better after your father’s death.
Grief is a huge trigger for me to deactivate and become avoidant. I become distant, cold, pride myself on my loneliness. The disgust you feel is probably not towards your husband, nut towards yourself for not feeling anything when you think you should. Its shame. Its ok, its not your fault. Its how your defense is wired
Paulien, you are amazing! This is sooooooooo helpful to better understand FA's (as their partner) and I guess it used to be in me too when I tended to the anxious side a few years ago! THANK YOU!!
Thanks for the video! 💖 As AP I relate almost to everything (unfortunately) I'm still confused a bit about FA... Some videos say they avoid close relationships bcs they are scared to get hurt, and other ones say they just feel bored... That really blows my mind bcs I can't imagine those things together. If I feel bored, it usually has nothing to do with fear of abandonment, I, on the contrary, hope they will leave me and they will find someone who can make them happy, because I can't.
I'm an FA here - it's confusing just being an FA lol Actually the way you feel about being bored is how we do too. We swing from being single and not wanting to date because always get hurt in relationships. To only wanting emotionally unavailable people - people who are hot and cold or who abandon us - make us "work for approval" and she says here in this. That's where I'm struggling right now too. I know I need a healthy relationship and even want one but am really only attracted to the emotionally unavailable people. I'm sure you can relate as an AP, prob just attracted to avoidants.
Yep.....she said "no deep connection" but could not even describe what a deep connection was. After we had a wonderful holiday, the slow fade accelerated and discarded all within 6 months. And the post discard nonsense of breadcrumbing and mixed messages, don't even get me started. At the end of the day avoidants are imo the most emotionally unaware people you'll ever know. No internal processing or reflection occurs. Nothing can describe the pain.
Now I understand why my FA always wants to DO things for me. I got used to save things to be done for him, since it makes him so happy. What exactly makes the FA so satisfied about it? Is it the achievement itself or are my words of recognition and thankfulness the geworden?
I'm commenting on how much healed and happy has helped me because I see a lot of people still seeking help in the comments. I'm sceptical about a lot if things & didn't have a lot of money to spare. However, this is the best investment I have made for myself in adulthood so far.
How do I stop being so obsessed with a girl that has given up on me for the way I act from being FA? I just learned about this and I’m just now starting my journey to heal. But there is a girl that I think? I was/are in love with and she is all I think about, I tried to explain what is wrong with me but the damage is already done and now she doesn’t talk to me but I work near her and I really need to know how to let this go… I can’t work, or sleep, or function. Plz help
Just realize, that even if she comes back you will deactivate again. Realize that your brain tricks you, you might feel like you're in love just because she is unavailable for you now.
In the beginning of the video you say that there are no highs and no lows in secure relationships. Then at around 11:35 you say that the highs are in another place than where one would expect them. Could you elaborate on that? Great video by the way.
Ah, I had to rewatch that part to understand your question, so thank you for adding the timestamp. What I meant by that was that the highs look so different than what you think it looks like as a fearful avoidant. I thought highs meant being in love allll the time, and having intense feelings and butterflies. But what I now experience is just such a rich, deep feeling of love, that I don't think I could even imagine back then. So the highs look different in that way. Does that make sense?
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Yes, I get what you mean. Basically it means trading those insecure dopaminergic, adrenaline-fueled highs for a more stable and reliable feeling of warm love. As a lifelong love addict, when I hear or read the word "high" in this context, I automatically think of the former, which I want to avoid at all cost, to the point where I am not willing to date or be in a relationship at all at the moment.
Unconditional love is a mythe. And also you sometimes brings lots of conditions and at the same time you say "when they love you unconditionally". "I want them to love me unconditionally but I don't want them to judge me", it's funny.
![[Personal Story] How scared I was of my feelings | HealingFa.com](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/aXQNzyCgB-0/mqdefault.jpg)
Recently ended a 2 year relationship because I didn't feel like I loved him enough, there wasn't any excitement and I felt like my lack of passion was an issue. I've gone back to someone who is really unpredictable and chaotic who I feel crazy about, but just now realising that I'm only crazy about him because he's everything I subconsciously crave - and my ex was a long, slow burning love that was safe and confortable but to me, boring. I really wish I'd found your channel and seen this a year ago. Maybe I wouldn't have thrown it away.
Oh man, I’ve a boyfriend for 2 years and I feel this what you said.. it is such a weird feeling. One day you love them and the other you don’t feel anything
Get into therapy before you end up with 1 superficial relationship after another and actually end up alone
Thank you for another fantastic video Paulien! I am an FA that has struggled to have any kind of romantic relationship, but I can still see the truths of everything you mentioned. I think, having worked a lot on myself outside of a relationship now for a long time I would also add that I think many of us insecurely attached people are also unconsciously looking for saviours. I suspect a lot of us would struggle with a healthy relationship because a lot of us actually gravitate towards enmeshment and codependency despite also being terrified of it. I suspect that in a healthy relationship the other person has good boundaries and is good at taking care of a lot of their own needs. I think what a lot of us insecure attached people are looking for is that constant validation that we are not the terrible bad people that the unhealed child in us thinks we are. A really secure person just isn’t going to spend the time giving that to us in the volume and level we want because they will recognize correctly that it’s an obsession of ours and not healthy for them to get sucked into.
This reached me, I was able to take a proper step forward towards stopping my brain from obsessing over this. Thank you
ADHD plays a part in this often
I love your course!! It has helped to transform my life like nothing I’ve tried before. Thank you!
If anyone is thinking of trying it I recommend it.
I was broke, suffering from a bad breakup, and depressed.
This course helped me to rewire my brain.
My relationship to myself is calmer, my family relationships are calmer, more close, I’m making friends, going on dates, planning for my future, more present, better relationship to money.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing this information after you have healed yourself, Paulien. ❤❤❤❤ Thank you.
Wow! I had to stop the video after I learned regarding the approval high. 😮 that has been my pattern all my life 😢😢😢 finally I’m healing because I want that stable relationship even if i get bored…
Thank you ! I now understand why I was not attracted to some men when I was a young adult, as my best friends were. I think I am now ready... Let's see...
Interesting reasons! I think there's one more reason, the simpliest one. In healthy relationships, FA's needs are aren't meet. Secure attached person love you, but don't put you on pedestal that much as AP does. They give you space but not that much as DA does.
AP? DA?
Anxious -Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant.
Thank you I really needed to hear this! 🙏🏻💞
hearing you talk about the highs feeling empty is helpful. i have been working on healing for the past few months, and i have realized i no longer want the highs and lows. the highs were getting hard to enjoy because i knew a low was just around the corner. it is really scary to let go of this dynamic because without it, i feel a numbness. i dont know if you have talked about this in a different video, but i would love to hear how the transition to craving highs and lows to loving the steadiness happened. hopefully this makes sense ❤
Thank you, Paulien! Your words are so comforting. Sadly, my mom died about a week ago and since then, I have felt intensely avoidant with my partner. I drive around after work so that I can avoid seeing him, am annoyed by everything that he does and I feel sick when he touches me. I had been feeling very secure and happy in our relationship for nearly 6 months, and now I feel triggered all over again. Have you ever experienced anything like this? Is there some connection between grief/loss and avoidance? I haven’t been able to find any advice on the subject and would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you very everything that you do! You have gotten me through some very dark times-I appreciate you so much. ❤
Yes, there is a connection. For hard emotions we shut down because is too painful for us. I didn’t have a partner when my dad died but I shut down from my friends and family. I didn’t want to be around them. I feel that if you love your husband, you need to tell him about this so both of you can find a solution. I remember one friend of mine came to my house unannounced, hugged me, and left. And I realize how much I needed that hug. We need to feel save and loved when we are grieving. ❤
@@balamxe2024 thank you for your very thoughtful reply! You’re right-I do need to talk to my partner. I’m hoping this phase won’t last too long. And I hope you’re doing better after your father’s death.
Grief is a huge trigger for me to deactivate and become avoidant. I become distant, cold, pride myself on my loneliness. The disgust you feel is probably not towards your husband, nut towards yourself for not feeling anything when you think you should. Its shame. Its ok, its not your fault. Its how your defense is wired
Amazing insights. Thanks
Paulien, you are amazing! This is sooooooooo helpful to better understand FA's (as their partner) and I guess it used to be in me too when I tended to the anxious side a few years ago! THANK YOU!!
OMG YOU LITERALLY SAVED ME i was looking for what you just exactly said
Thank you so much
Your McDonalds analogy is perfect!
Thanks for the video! 💖
As AP I relate almost to everything (unfortunately)
I'm still confused a bit about FA... Some videos say they avoid close relationships bcs they are scared to get hurt, and other ones say they just feel bored...
That really blows my mind bcs I can't imagine those things together. If I feel bored, it usually has nothing to do with fear of abandonment, I, on the contrary, hope they will leave me and they will find someone who can make them happy, because I can't.
I'm an FA here - it's confusing just being an FA lol Actually the way you feel about being bored is how we do too. We swing from being single and not wanting to date because always get hurt in relationships. To only wanting emotionally unavailable people - people who are hot and cold or who abandon us - make us "work for approval" and she says here in this. That's where I'm struggling right now too. I know I need a healthy relationship and even want one but am really only attracted to the emotionally unavailable people. I'm sure you can relate as an AP, prob just attracted to avoidants.
Thank you, Paulien 😌♥️♥️♥️
Yep.....she said "no deep connection" but could not even describe what a deep connection was. After we had a wonderful holiday, the slow fade accelerated and discarded all within 6 months. And the post discard nonsense of breadcrumbing and mixed messages, don't even get me started. At the end of the day avoidants are imo the most emotionally unaware people you'll ever know. No internal processing or reflection occurs. Nothing can describe the pain.
Thank you for creating and sharing!
Now I understand why my FA always wants to DO things for me. I got used to save things to be done for him, since it makes him so happy. What exactly makes the FA so satisfied about it? Is it the achievement itself or are my words of recognition and thankfulness the geworden?
Thank you ❤
This was what I needed to hear but now that i have heard you say it i don't know what to do with this information
How much do you think it would cost to have someone translate your book into English? Is that something the community could finance you think?
I'm commenting on how much healed and happy has helped me because I see a lot of people still seeking help in the comments.
I'm sceptical about a lot if things & didn't have a lot of money to spare. However, this is the best investment I have made for myself in adulthood so far.
Do you think you would have to be in a relationship to work through her program?
But what do you do about it? How to you heal? Is there a resource?
12:26 is "thrilling" the right word here?
I love him moree after watching this vid❤( my current green flag bf)
How do I stop being so obsessed with a girl that has given up on me for the way I act from being FA? I just learned about this and I’m just now starting my journey to heal. But there is a girl that I think? I was/are in love with and she is all I think about, I tried to explain what is wrong with me but the damage is already done and now she doesn’t talk to me but I work near her and I really need to know how to let this go… I can’t work, or sleep, or function. Plz help
Just realize, that even if she comes back you will deactivate again. Realize that your brain tricks you, you might feel like you're in love just because she is unavailable for you now.
In the beginning of the video you say that there are no highs and no lows in secure relationships. Then at around 11:35 you say that the highs are in another place than where one would expect them. Could you elaborate on that? Great video by the way.
Ah, I had to rewatch that part to understand your question, so thank you for adding the timestamp. What I meant by that was that the highs look so different than what you think it looks like as a fearful avoidant. I thought highs meant being in love allll the time, and having intense feelings and butterflies. But what I now experience is just such a rich, deep feeling of love, that I don't think I could even imagine back then. So the highs look different in that way. Does that make sense?
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Yes, I get what you mean. Basically it means trading those insecure dopaminergic, adrenaline-fueled highs for a more stable and reliable feeling of warm love. As a lifelong love addict, when I hear or read the word "high" in this context, I automatically think of the former, which I want to avoid at all cost, to the point where I am not willing to date or be in a relationship at all at the moment.
Unconditional love is a mythe. And also you sometimes brings lots of conditions and at the same time you say "when they love you unconditionally". "I want them to love me unconditionally but I don't want them to judge me", it's funny.