One consistent thread that I see across all of these examples of estranged parents is that when they imagine their child in a hypothetical scenario, they always seem to imagine them when they were little. Back when they were much more pliable and easier to manipulate
I was struck by how both times she spoke about her deceased daughter, not a flicker of sadness or grief showed on her face. I can't talk about my dog that died 4 years ago without getting all teary eyed and snot nosed.
I feel like either she's told the story so much to garner sympathy that it doesn't affect her anymore or the story is full of half truths she's sprinkling around to not seem like the bad guy so it's not real enough to be emotional
@@Maximmmino I understand the pain, but it’s so much better for them if they go before we do. I worked as a vet assistant, I’ve seen so many people letting go of their cats and dogs, and the love and comfort the animal experiences falling asleep in their human hands for the last time is so crucial… I’m crying just thinking about that, even though I got desensitized a bit witnessing that so many times. On the other hand I’ve seen pets who were left behind after the deceased person. The pain and confusion they are in, even being adopted into a new loving home, is much more heartbreaking than the former situation. 💔
You people also need to understand that people handle things differently. This drawing conclusion from oneself to others is a lack of empathy, too. This is a kind of 'I am the blueprint for all circumstances of the world'. Just saying.
I can see if ONE child went no contact that maybe someone could think “I’m not the problem” but when ALL of them go no contact? How can you not blame yourself?
Yep, my sister, my brother and myself do not speak even though we had all cut ties for similar reasons with the toxic parents years ago. We had been pitted against each other for our formative years and the damage is done. At least we got away from the parents...but we'll never have a family bond.
Diane's husband? - the interviewer - is just a flying monkey/enabler. A robot could do the same job asking her leading questions and affirming her distorted point of view.
@@kaypee65 specifically childhood trauma! 2/3 addicts have childhood trauma. The actual number is probably HIGHER than 2/3. Regardless childhood trauma is the biggest cause of addiction.
“It started when he got married” Ah, maybe this is just me making an assumption, but it seems like her eldest finally got a support system in his marriage and had the strength to cut contact. Maybe she doesn’t know why because he didn’t give her a reason because none would be good enough. She could also have been a nightmare in-law, considering she doesn’t call his wife anything familial.
@@ewaterman3569 its a miracle people like him can get a good relationship after the mother, she couldn't take all the good out of him that his wife saw. These parents should be glad their crap didn't completely ruin their kids from finding a partner.
Nothing like being in a relationship that is even barely healthy to shed a very bright and unflattering light on the other relationships in your life….
This is happening with my mom. I've had some valid complaints about the way she speaks to me, and about the dozens and dozens of horrible, devaluing, and insulting things she's said about me. For example, she spent the events of my brother's wedding completely wasted drunk, and then told multiple people that she had to be drunk because I was there. She once told my friends behind my back that I was "f*cking crazy" while doing the corkscrew-finger-to-the-head motion, and my friends were so disturbed by this that they thought it was best to inform me about it. Those are just a couple of examples. What's interesting to me is that she keeps having this problem with multiple people in her life, where she says things about a person that are devaluing and insulting, the person approaches her about it, she deflects blame and avoids taking accountability, then the person limits their contact with her out of self-preservation. Yet, she still thinks she's done nothing wrong to anyone, and that all of these other people around her have such huge problems. WHO is the common denominator, mom? Because, there isn't anyone else in my life that I have to do this with. However, this seems to be a recurring problem with the majority of people in her life. Again, WHO is the common denominator?
Ted does all the classic irresponsible counselor things that out him immediately as somebody cosplaying as a therapist. The first one is trying to lead people to his desired conclusions/connections ("do you feel it was some sort of societal influence, or...?) instead of following their lead with curiosity and openness to whatever their experience is. In Ted's mind, this is clearly all -- and always -- society's fault. Anything to eschew responsibility for his failings as a parent, while denying and invalidating his children's experience of the world. He's also incapable of/unwilling to disentangle someone else's experience of estrangement from his own. He doesn't engage with empathy: he can only relate to another person's experience by placing himself and his own experience at the center of it, and then inventing a therapeutic hierarchy so he can sit at the top. There's a sad, impotent little man behind that judgmental smirk. One of the most interesting parts of being a therapist is watching people reiterate or recreate their unhealthy relationship dynamics -- the things that brought them into therapy, presumably -- right there in the therapeutic relationship with you. They do it while trying their hardest not to do it, while unconsciously trying to hide their worst selves. It's never about what they TELL you about themselves... it's always about what they SHOW you about themselves. In these interviews, it's the blind leading the blind. Hey, estranged parents: When you've wronged somebody else, THEY get to decide whether or not to forgive you. You don't get to take that away from them, too. They aren't dead, and you're the one with all the power to change the situation. In every estrangement case I've ever seen, the children make the painful decision to go no contact only as a measure of last resort, when it's the only power they feel they have within the relationship. They do it because they're carrying around the weight of all the things they can't forgive until the perpetrator takes accountability. The only way to forgive or let go of hurt is for the person who caused it to value you and your safety enough that they feel compelled to take responsibility, to show you they're committed to changing their patterns of behavior enough that you can be safe around them. People who love and care for you should take the initiative, trying to do this even without being asked... but if you ask for this and a person refuses -- or if they refuse to even see or understand the problem, or insist that they don't know why you're upset even after you've explained yourself several times, or if they say they're "waiting for it to pass" or that you're "being too sensitive" -- they're promising you that they WILL harm you in the same way again. At that point, they make it impossible for you to forgive them without also enabling their worst impulses. The only choice open to you, if you want to let go of that hurt while maintaining your safety and self-respect, is to take away their access. When these parents decide to "forgive themselves" without ever taking meaningful accountability, it's one last toxic attempt to take the only power their children have left for themselves. One last reminder that they'll never see their children as people with self-determination; one last invalidating twist of the knife. Unregulated "therapy" is so harmful. And anybody who seeks it out only wants to be validated in their terrible behavior. They know, on some level, that they'd run the risk with a real therapist of being told they're in the wrong. And that scares them more than going to their graves without ever speaking to their children again. Shitty people who were too selfish and broken to realize they'd be terrible parents. They did what they always do, following their emotional, delusional impulses around, and had kids without ever thinking deeply or honestly about whether they had the willingness/capacity/ability to guide another human life with empathy and respect. They never had any intention to do what's required in order to model healthy adult relationships or impart functional lessons about caring for oneself and others. They go around blaming society, while making no secret of their commitment to ushering the most vile and destructive socio-political forces imaginable into power. Of course that's what they do. They seek to recreate and reiterate at the macro (national) level the same intolerance, top-down repressive control, and ugly interpersonal dynamics that alienated their children at the micro (interpersonal) level. People tell you as much with their politics as they do in their therapy sessions, if you know how to listen.
It is very different for me watching these interviews back now that i've gotten to know ted better And it's just gross Using people who are generally hurting, regardless of fault, to validate your own feelings and actions while pretending you're helping them is just gross
@@Maximmmino It really is just gross. And I agree that Ted keeps his narcissism under the radar a lot better than Diane does, though once you see it... you don't stop seeing it. It makes me curious about their relationship, tbh. It seems like they're both deeply narcissistic, but have so many of the same toxic core beliefs that they can be narcissistic together and perceive it as a loving relationship. Perverse.
37:02 I agree wholeheartedly! I am VERY introspective, to a fault (thank you trauma!). Used to think I could handle my own shit because I was hyper-aware of all my flaws. My second therapist was the one who pointed out that I was using “introspection” as self-harm/punishment. I would have NEVER thought that on my own, or it would’ve taken many more years. I was 19 at that time; I’m 33 now. Still in therapy and still learning new stuff about myself and my own life just from talking about it to someone who has the professional skills to help me piece it together.
Question. Not that I expect an answer. But: What did you do about the way you used introspection as a sort of self-harm? I think I do something similar to myself, and I don't know what to do about it.
Unfortunately as a mum you can do a lot of horrible things to your kids and they'll always love and forgive you so these women in your videos must've done some truly awful stuff
Yeah i know so many people who have terrible parents but put up with them because they're their parents so watching these moms just avoid talking about whatever trauma is the issue here is wack
As an adult child of a mother much like the ones in these videos, here's what I'll tell you: What really hurts isn't the "horrible things". All people make mistakes. What truly hurts...is the lack of accountability. I could easily forgive the "horrible things", but it's the constant deflection of blame, gaslighting and saying "you're remembering it wrong", the minimizing statements such as "I was only doing what I thought was right", or the worst of all--implying that I am so incredibly broken that I somehow deserve it (excuse me, WHAT? I have many friends and work colleagues who do not have this "problem" with me). It's the lack of accountability. Because, it implies that she doesn't believe there was anything wrong with her actions. It implies that if she was in the same situation again, she'd do the same things again.
@mosaicowlstudios I completely relate 💔 All that leads to feeling like I don't matter. She made sure to remind me that she had "more Important things to worry about" She always told me that. Especially when I was sick. Like you said it also leads to feeling like I deserved to be treated badly. To just put up with it because this was as good as it gets. People have it worse so I can't complain. Blabla. I hope you are far far away from her now 🙏🩷
@@mosaic.owl.studiosI have also been on the receiving end of these messages. I’m sorry that this has happened! You are precious and deserve to be protected. I wonder if there’s a generational thing where people are incapable of accepting any accountability?
Usually those moms actually try to apologize and reconcile. These parents refuse to, because they feel justified in the harm they caused. They will always say their parents did them worse and refuse to see how terrible their own actions are.
16:40 - I will say that my brother and I stopped talking to each other for years. Barely communicating. Talking to each other just had the memories of growing up, how we were pinned against each other, how differently we were treated because we're 5 years apart and my parents' personalities/morals changed in that time... We recently started talking again but it's barely there. We don't dislike/hold resentment anymore but there is still some avoidance on both ends because the wounds are still fresh for him and I respect that. Not to be awful, but I do believe once our parents pass we'll be a lot closer.
@@beanspuppets3180 i have a twin and I was the golden child whereas I guess my mom needed a scapegoat and chose my twin. We talked about it as were in our 40s our views on either side of I can do no wrong versus demon child.
I'd love to know what she means by helping her children. What does she do to "help" What does it involve 🤔 because they seem to think controlling everything is helpful. The son narcissist in therapy comment took me back a bit. Also when she said "he would love to be interviewed" when that's exactly what she's doing 😂
I made a lot of mistakes as a parent and my son is 32 now and still loves me. Kids know when you genuinely make mistakes when you genuinely sorry and that you love them respect them . For a kid to not love you you really have to be awful and unloving
@@buddhabunnee ikr? I learned in grade school admit you're wrong, minor thing with a kid and my teacher said just apologize and make up and we did. Not that much of an issue!
Most children of Narcissists have been so infantilized (and gaslit) their entire lives, that they can't function normally as adults. They don't know who they are, who they can trust, or what they want (self-knowledge required to navigate one's self through life). All of their parent's "love & support" is used to control them. When a child finally (in their late 30's) decides to call them out, the parent's withdraw their support and twist the event into some moralistic story where they fault themselves for "loving them too much" or "enabling" their "bad behavior." It's so manipulative, and destructive.
That’s so odd. I don’t picture my adult children as little kids. They’re adults! Their own people who make their own choices and I love seeing that. These narcissistic parents will not allow their children to grow up and be separate. That’s why I finally went NC with my own parents.
Agreed! I don't see my 16 year old as a little kid! In 2 years she will be making adult decisions on her own so I treat her as an adult now and I'm just glad she's still at home and I can help guide her to make the right choices. I do find it funny these parents say they still see their adult children as little kids when it comes to disciplining them or telling them what to do, but they don't see their children as little kids when it comes to spoiling them on birthdays and holidays.
My dad’s second wife tells people she “lost me to drugs” people assume I’m dead and she’s a horrible person. She was there for most of my childhood and I’m so happy I never have to see her again
I can't see any expression on her face. She's so cold. She's talking about living under his son's rules but there shouldn't be any rules but boundaries and respect among the members of the family. They are already adults.
Its very eye opening that not a single piece of her pre estrangement advice include retrospection, communicating with your child, seeking therapy, listening, changing behavior, etc. Nope it's already done so just keep on keeping on 😢
Because "it's the internet's fault." So any reason their child gives is irrelevant because, to the parent, the child just don't realize they are being manipulated by the evil interwebz.
It’s so odd that these people think their kids going no-contact is a new thing, but this lady kind of made me wonder… she talks about her son “disappearing” multiple times. How many people of previous generations who went no-contact with their parents were simply thought of as “runaways” or people who “disappeared”? This may have been common but less understood in previous generations where social media didn’t exist to thwart people’s attempts to cut off their family.
I flat out cackled at 30:42 because WOW did she get it wrong. Which shows how much she’s not self aware. For anyone curious, it’s “Plan for the worst; hope for the best.” Which was an adage I learned from my grandpa and mom due to him being in WWII and her growing up in the Cold Was.
I think there are two factors- one is that in these echo chambers, opinions are unchallenged and will inevitably become more extreme. Secondly, any somewhat more moderate parents, or any inclined to anything like accountability or self- reflection, are mass-attacked and shouted down and are silenced and presumably leave. The noisiest and most aggressive people make themselves top dogs and set the (awful) tone. The only good thing about these groups is that they ar3 great for any adult child feeling a “wobble” about maintain no contact. Five mins in one of these forums banishes all doubt for a minimum of 12 months.
The fact that the SIL iced her out once his wife passed lets me know mom was acting psycho during her daughters passing. I guarantee she felt more entitled to what was left of her daughter's time and energy and tried to control the decisions she made rather than allowing her to make those choices with her husband and children.
I don't understand these parents always saying they always see their adult children as little kids. They refuse to see their adult children as adults. My son is in his 20's, I see him as my son but I see him as a strong capable adult.
I love how she thinks having a different perspective to her is having a disorder 😂 wtf They may think they know someone else's perspective but what they dont realise is... we don't all think like they do. Also there's usually a reason why someone turns to substances. They are trying to cope with something. Is the man a therapist? I wish she would give some details about real issues. So vague. I have a lot of examples to give 🤭 my brain won't let me forget. Lmao don't take parenting too seriously? That's awful advice! It is serious. They are defenceless! If you neglect a child someone else can easily abuse them. So even if you dont do it yourself. It's still not good enough.
As an addict in recovery, you are 1000% right. The idea that a parent resents the fact that their kids snuck out and used drugs, without ever asking themselves why their child didn’t feel safe or comfortable enough to honestly come to them (probably years earlier) with the underlying issues, is anathema to the concept of ever having a productive recovery. Accountability is absolutely central to recovery - not only that of the addict’s, but that of the addict’s family, social and cultural structure. People who are mentally healthy and have a full life don’t see the appeal of an addiction. It’s actually incredibly rare for someone who is otherwise well-balanced and well-oriented to the real world to try an addictive substance and accept that living in that state would be preferable to their daily life. People who have a reliable, both physically and emotionally, safe home base they can retreat to generally don’t find the need to escape into substance use.
@jameseglavin4 agreed! I have my own issues, and I don't like to see people put others down for addictions or mental health disorders. These types of parents love to use that against their kids. It's messed up. Good to hear you are doing better now and in recovery 🩷 Did you get some accountability from your parents? I don't think I'll ever get this from my mother.
I’ve been binging these estranged parents videos, and it’s so aggravating!! Like I know you’re lying and telling 1/3 of what actually happened! There’s no take away, no teachable moments… it’s just terrible old people yapping 🙄
"I couldn't see a way to go to my daughter's memorial... and stay completely away from my grandkids" So, if I got this right, originally she wasn't banned from attending the memorial. The family just told her she couldn't speak, and she couldn't see the kids. It seems like it was her insistence on stomping that boundary that led to her being uninvited. Pure speculation on my part, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but yikes. If I passed away before my kids reached adulthood, there are family members that I would want to be banned from seeing my kids too. Anyway, thanks for the video. May the algorithm smile upon you.
If a person is narcissistic, they don't see you. Therefore, they don't see their relationship is in trouble unless the relationship is actively causing them discomfort. Most smart kids (with basically healthy responses) learn to minimize boat rocking for as long as possible when they know that the relationship is toxic. Their parent won't change so they wait till they have the resources to safely leave.
I find it really weird how all of these people refer to their adult children not talking to them as "leaving" and reconciling as "coming back." It seems like they are living in a fantasy where the only arrangement that can exist between two generations is "my house, my rules."
Same old song and dance. Another toxic mother taking zero responsibility for her dysfunctional relationship with her child. Why was the son such a mess? Gee, why did he have so many issues? And if he was so dependent on them financially why did he break free for a year? There was a time I apologized to my abusive parent, too. Because I thought it was all my fault, because that's what I was told since I popped out the womb. Weird ass people like this lady are a blessing in my life. It's so much easier to recognize a toxic parent when it's not your own parent. My toxic parent had the audacity to not only blame me for my own problems, but also blamed me for my children's problems with not a hint of self awareness. Total hypocrites. Cheryl ❤️🩹
I did a lot of apologizing to for feeling like i wasn't good enough and then later on realized that the parent should be better about that and not force the child to feel that way. They're all awful
I’ve had a contentious relationship with my daughter. Granted she was a minor, and she was my responsibility because I was the parent. She absolutely hated my guts. She hated every single thing about me. I held my ground, I supported her, I made sure she had psychological care and stayed on top of behaviors, busted her with dabbling in drugs, my job was not to be her friend, my job was to protect her. She turned 18, physically fought me, police were involved, she told me that the night she left it was the last time I’d ever see her and if she died I am uninvited to her funeral. I was told I was dead to her. Neighbor called the cops and she went into custody. I didn’t abandon her, I wasn’t going to let her be homeless, but I would only financially pay for sober living. She’s 21 now and we are getting along well. I got apology, and I apologized to her. She was half of the dynamic. I was the other half. I forgive her completely and I believe she forgives me. We spend time together now, and I couldn’t be more proud of how far she’s come. I can only imagine if I held a grudge against her for the teen years we would never have a relationship. I cannot imagine adult kids who can’t be reconciled with. Teens are different.
Adult kids are adults. Equal adults. We’re not parents we’re peers in adulthood. My mom and dad treated me as an equal person once I was an adult. It’s a wonderful relationship to be adults with your parents. And your adult children.
You said it yourself: "I cannot imagine adult kids who can't be reconciled with." Just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean there aren't absolutely real reasons to not reconcile. My father was extremely emotionally abusive, physically threatening, physically hurt me, threw things, punched holes in walls, kicked our dog. That's just a highlight reel. I tried most of my life to get my father's love, and to respect me, but he is too damaged and is unwilling and unable to change. I realized he would never stop trying to undermine me, and I was going to have to be the one to protect me. That no one else ever would. My mother tries to force me to have a relationship with him, despite telling her I need to go no contact with him. She also has tried to force a relationship with the flying monkey's in my family. I spent decades trying to make the family work, but I learned that is not my job. Both of my parents were so damaged from the abuse they suffered, but because of it they were incredibly damaging to me. The last thing I ever wanted was to lose my family. But I needed to make the chaos, trauma and pain stop. There are no accurate words for the enormity of guilt and grief I still feel from time to time, but I cannot escape the fact that my no contact makes my life feel stable and sound for the first time. I also have major health problems and do not have the bandwidth to be the codependent caretaker of my mother anymore, who is always playing the victim, or try to manage my fathers behavior. My husband has health issues as well. It would be wonderful to have a loving, supportive, healthy family, but wishing does not make that happen. My parents have personality disorders due to the extreme abuse they suffered and they left therapy when it required them to change. I always wondered why they acted the way they did, and now I understand it was due to personality disorders. Due to the fact that these personality disorders are considered impossible to change, unless they pursue intensive therapy, you have to accept that their behavior will not change. You have to ask yourself whether you can live with that. If they continue to violate your boundaries in adulthood, you have to save yourself. I tried low contact with my mother, but her boundary violations only got worse. No contact is literally a life saving last resort. I'm 50 and it took me decades of trying to make it work before I could not take it anymore. I do not know what else I can do with someone I don't trust and will not respect my explicitly spelled out boundaries. I don't think they know what boundaries are. Ultimately, it is not my job to try to force anyone to respect or listen to me. I can't make them understand. I've bloodied my head banging my head on a rock, expecting it to change. I've spent so much of my life and energy on them. I'll tell you this. I've learned through this that I will not allow *anyone* to trespass my boundaries again. They are porous no longer. Boundaries have become real because I made them real. I wish my mother would be accountable for her actions, and mend the relationship, but it has not ever happened. I may be expected to play the role of scapegoat, but I am unwilling to do it. I have a right to live my own life as best I can. I am not carrying the baggage my family hasn't dealt with anymore. I deserve to be treated well, and I have a right to refuse mistreatment and I fully have my own back now. I no longer have to tolerate my family dysfunction and scapegoating. No one should have to. This is what I know.
@@gracieb.3054 I worded wrong, I cannot imagine adult kids who can, not can’t, be reconciled with, assuming that the parents don’t acknowledge their own mistakes and or hold a grudge or blame others.
I knew that particular son's problem was drug use, just because of the specific vague info she gave all screamed drugs. Also, i think the reason these estranged parents all picture their kids as when they were tiny is because after that, it stopped being fun. The kids developed a will of their own, and they couldn't be controlled, and they stopped being an extension of the parents.
“My son got better when he moved out of state and cut his entire family out of his life” Hmmm….. maybe a bit of a clue about the causation of his issues there?
One point is that it is not what you did or didn’t do for children, it is how you did it. Parental stress containment, emotional dysregulation, expressed in a harsh tone or anger can contaminate anything you do that in itself is a good thing. A matter of congruence of spirit and deed. The good thing given becomes toxic without emotional regulation and stress management before engaging with another human being. The correction is to apologize for the way you did something, the tone you used, and for the hurt it caused in the process of confusing exchange of energy.
A bit of irony is found in the way the parents deal with being greyrocked deeper into the estrangement Like all their questions are being answered But in a tone they don't appreciate And you're just waiting for them to put it together
I do picture my child (my favorite human being) as a little child several times a week but somedsys I am picturing her as a middle school girl and somedays as a wild toddler and somedays as an infant, I told her- I love you in all you ongoing personalities, but I really also miss that funny little girl - or the awkward girl who was crushing on the skater boys- haha! Being a parent is like being a hundred parents cuz you grow so fast! aso sometimes I shuffle back in my memory! It’s just like how Cinnamon was a tiny puppy- then a bigger puppy then learning tricks . I miss all those versions a bit and think about her. But it does no one good to get stuck in the past!
I’m a new mom and I watch these videos so I know what not to do and get tools to admit I’m wrong and apologize to my son so we hopefully don’t get to a point of no contact in the first place. These parents are delusional. At least with my in-laws they fully acknowledge their own shortcoming and their role in the estrangement of my BIL (he is having addiction issues right now) and they respect the boundaries but leave an open invitation to family events and in their lives
You know whats ridiculous? I did have a kid. And all I could think of is "how could you!?" Instead of forgiving her. Funny. Not quite what they had in mind
31:00 okay... I get why you would think this sounds stupid, but it really comes down to the wording. She wants them to look at books about grief. It is grieving to lose a relationship even if they are still alive. Bad take.
Telling the truth is no guaruntee people are going to believe us. I have the right to for example change my settings on Facebook so that when I die the Facebook company then owns the copywrite on my Facebook profile. To prevent anyone from charging me for any Facebook post which I have set to be available to only me whenever realizing that otherwise then I would have to pay for the license for that story. After I die would my children then feel angry about that when for example complaining that I left behind no photographs of them when they were small children? No. Of course not. Right now while watching this video to the right now I am seeing a news report from Crime MKT TH-cam channel informing about another case in which a nun got murdered by priest for refusing to serve him. A nun would never have the right to ask a priest or a monk to no longer be paying visits at the building which she has to work in. Like for example when working in the kitchen of a seminary school. I cannot bring myself to watch that movie. That would be too upsetting to me. I'm already like a lot of other old women end up feeling too during old age starting to feel afraid of all men. My adult sons of course and that one coworker who asked me to adopt him far less so. My former second husband after I divorced him had foster children living with him and he had another biological child too. I have a good relationship wiith her as well. I can be in the same yard or room during a large family gathering as that second former husband of mine without a fight between us in front of everyone. I cannot allow him to drive me anywhere though. Something which believe it or not a psychologist from the American Psychological Association with dual citizenship too had tried to convince me that I should be okay with. Even though I told him about the physical abuse and the chaos being caused by his abuse. Something which a prior wife of his had left him about. In addition to that his 3rd wife left him. Next his live in girlfriend only had to leave him too. Her daughter is dead due to drug addiction. I have never met her. I do not know her name. I cannot change other people. Nor can I change how things are done in the family court systems around the world. While there are a lot of people still who tend to believe both children and women less often. His half brother in the past was jailed for attempted murder of his wife. After leaving that second husband of mine I still had to be a witness for his half brother's murder trial. The whole time I was married to that guy he was obsessed with being litigous towards other people too. Now my one son from him has to live with the truth about who his father is which is a constant embarrasment to him. Like after his dad borrowed his car and then trashed the standard transmission on it and so now he has to get to work on foot for awhile. His dad now has 2 artificial legs while he insists that he doesn't need any modification of any of his car to own. He managed somehow to get his driver's license renewed. None of us know anymore how to cope with his behavior without great cost to each and every one of us.
I am semi estranged from my parens. But Im going to tell you. Watched a few of your videos for information . You do nothing but pre judge everything before the people even speak. It is not helpful.
I like how "You're dead to me" is a horrible thing to say when her son says it ... and totally justified when she says it.
Nobody said it was ok going the other direction, that’s just you’re perception
One consistent thread that I see across all of these examples of estranged parents is that when they imagine their child in a hypothetical scenario, they always seem to imagine them when they were little. Back when they were much more pliable and easier to manipulate
yeah once the kids get to the age of being ready to be treated like people the parents seem to check out
@@Maximmminothat’s not what happened, you are just a jerk
I was struck by how both times she spoke about her deceased daughter, not a flicker of sadness or grief showed on her face. I can't talk about my dog that died 4 years ago without getting all teary eyed and snot nosed.
I feel like either she's told the story so much to garner sympathy that it doesn't affect her anymore or the story is full of half truths she's sprinkling around to not seem like the bad guy so it's not real enough to be emotional
I'm very sorry about your dog. Mine is always behind me and i will be a mess if she goes before i do
@@Maximmmino I understand the pain, but it’s so much better for them if they go before we do. I worked as a vet assistant, I’ve seen so many people letting go of their cats and dogs, and the love and comfort the animal experiences falling asleep in their human hands for the last time is so crucial… I’m crying just thinking about that, even though I got desensitized a bit witnessing that so many times.
On the other hand I’ve seen pets who were left behind after the deceased person. The pain and confusion they are in, even being adopted into a new loving home, is much more heartbreaking than the former situation.
💔
You people also need to understand that people handle things differently. This drawing conclusion from oneself to others is a lack of empathy, too. This is a kind of 'I am the blueprint for all circumstances of the world'. Just saying.
@@oOIIIMIIIOo Just curious which "You people" you are thinking of when you make that comment.
I can see if ONE child went no contact that maybe someone could think “I’m not the problem” but when ALL of them go no contact? How can you not blame yourself?
At the end when she said "all you need to do is keep your kid alive..." That right there tellls me everything.
No it did not, nor is it the parents responsibility to always affirm or pride the child’s emotional state over what practical
The kids probably don't talk because they were played against each other as kids. That's what happened in my family.
Yep, my sister, my brother and myself do not speak even though we had all cut ties for similar reasons with the toxic parents years ago. We had been pitted against each other for our formative years and the damage is done.
At least we got away from the parents...but we'll never have a family bond.
@@shanna3148 After narcissistic abuse one thing never heals: trust in other people.
Same with my family, you can’t speak to siblings it’s forbidden
Just like me and my sister. And my mum wonders why we hate each other.
Golden Children and scapegoats do not mix
20:37 oooh there it is. The fact that your kids didn't want you to speak at your daughter's funeral speaks VOLUMES
no thoughts just words
Diane's husband? - the interviewer - is just a flying monkey/enabler. A robot could do the same job asking her leading questions and affirming her distorted point of view.
You best believe a part of him using the drugs is how abusive his parents were.
True that! The single greatest risk factor for drug abuse is untreated trauma.
Self medication. I did it for years.
@@kaypee65 specifically childhood trauma! 2/3 addicts have childhood trauma. The actual number is probably HIGHER than 2/3. Regardless childhood trauma is the biggest cause of addiction.
“It started when he got married”
Ah, maybe this is just me making an assumption, but it seems like her eldest finally got a support system in his marriage and had the strength to cut contact. Maybe she doesn’t know why because he didn’t give her a reason because none would be good enough. She could also have been a nightmare in-law, considering she doesn’t call his wife anything familial.
i didn't realize how many parts of my childhood were wrong or bad until other people pointed it out for me. i'm sure the same thing happened there
She must have been the mother in law from 👹
@@ewaterman3569 its a miracle people like him can get a good relationship after the mother, she couldn't take all the good out of him that his wife saw. These parents should be glad their crap didn't completely ruin their kids from finding a partner.
Nothing like being in a relationship that is even barely healthy to shed a very bright and unflattering light on the other relationships in your life….
Or maybe she was treating his spouse really poorly.
How many family members have to go no contact before you start to think "am i the problem?"🤔
This is happening with my mom. I've had some valid complaints about the way she speaks to me, and about the dozens and dozens of horrible, devaluing, and insulting things she's said about me. For example, she spent the events of my brother's wedding completely wasted drunk, and then told multiple people that she had to be drunk because I was there. She once told my friends behind my back that I was "f*cking crazy" while doing the corkscrew-finger-to-the-head motion, and my friends were so disturbed by this that they thought it was best to inform me about it. Those are just a couple of examples.
What's interesting to me is that she keeps having this problem with multiple people in her life, where she says things about a person that are devaluing and insulting, the person approaches her about it, she deflects blame and avoids taking accountability, then the person limits their contact with her out of self-preservation.
Yet, she still thinks she's done nothing wrong to anyone, and that all of these other people around her have such huge problems.
WHO is the common denominator, mom? Because, there isn't anyone else in my life that I have to do this with. However, this seems to be a recurring problem with the majority of people in her life.
Again, WHO is the common denominator?
somehow more than four
@@mosaic.owl.studios I hope you find a way to manage that situation cause it sounds like it's probably never gonna be solved
@@Maximmmino I'm afraid you're probably right about that 😓
To them they aren't the problem. It's everyone else's that's the problem.
I have two grown kids
Never occurred to me to be jealous of their sibling relationship
So weird
I couldn't imagine being jealous of my kids this way or any way really
@@Maximmminoyes it is obvious you’re not a parent.
@@eeyoresgirl55and?
@@niqerfaguettranykyke ?
@@eeyoresgirl55I'm not surenmwhat you're point is?
Ted does all the classic irresponsible counselor things that out him immediately as somebody cosplaying as a therapist.
The first one is trying to lead people to his desired conclusions/connections ("do you feel it was some sort of societal influence, or...?) instead of following their lead with curiosity and openness to whatever their experience is. In Ted's mind, this is clearly all -- and always -- society's fault. Anything to eschew responsibility for his failings as a parent, while denying and invalidating his children's experience of the world. He's also incapable of/unwilling to disentangle someone else's experience of estrangement from his own. He doesn't engage with empathy: he can only relate to another person's experience by placing himself and his own experience at the center of it, and then inventing a therapeutic hierarchy so he can sit at the top. There's a sad, impotent little man behind that judgmental smirk.
One of the most interesting parts of being a therapist is watching people reiterate or recreate their unhealthy relationship dynamics -- the things that brought them into therapy, presumably -- right there in the therapeutic relationship with you. They do it while trying their hardest not to do it, while unconsciously trying to hide their worst selves.
It's never about what they TELL you about themselves... it's always about what they SHOW you about themselves. In these interviews, it's the blind leading the blind.
Hey, estranged parents: When you've wronged somebody else, THEY get to decide whether or not to forgive you. You don't get to take that away from them, too. They aren't dead, and you're the one with all the power to change the situation.
In every estrangement case I've ever seen, the children make the painful decision to go no contact only as a measure of last resort, when it's the only power they feel they have within the relationship. They do it because they're carrying around the weight of all the things they can't forgive until the perpetrator takes accountability. The only way to forgive or let go of hurt is for the person who caused it to value you and your safety enough that they feel compelled to take responsibility, to show you they're committed to changing their patterns of behavior enough that you can be safe around them. People who love and care for you should take the initiative, trying to do this even without being asked... but if you ask for this and a person refuses -- or if they refuse to even see or understand the problem, or insist that they don't know why you're upset even after you've explained yourself several times, or if they say they're "waiting for it to pass" or that you're "being too sensitive" -- they're promising you that they WILL harm you in the same way again. At that point, they make it impossible for you to forgive them without also enabling their worst impulses. The only choice open to you, if you want to let go of that hurt while maintaining your safety and self-respect, is to take away their access.
When these parents decide to "forgive themselves" without ever taking meaningful accountability, it's one last toxic attempt to take the only power their children have left for themselves. One last reminder that they'll never see their children as people with self-determination; one last invalidating twist of the knife.
Unregulated "therapy" is so harmful. And anybody who seeks it out only wants to be validated in their terrible behavior. They know, on some level, that they'd run the risk with a real therapist of being told they're in the wrong. And that scares them more than going to their graves without ever speaking to their children again.
Shitty people who were too selfish and broken to realize they'd be terrible parents. They did what they always do, following their emotional, delusional impulses around, and had kids without ever thinking deeply or honestly about whether they had the willingness/capacity/ability to guide another human life with empathy and respect. They never had any intention to do what's required in order to model healthy adult relationships or impart functional lessons about caring for oneself and others. They go around blaming society, while making no secret of their commitment to ushering the most vile and destructive socio-political forces imaginable into power. Of course that's what they do. They seek to recreate and reiterate at the macro (national) level the same intolerance, top-down repressive control, and ugly interpersonal dynamics that alienated their children at the micro (interpersonal) level. People tell you as much with their politics as they do in their therapy sessions, if you know how to listen.
It is very different for me watching these interviews back now that i've gotten to know ted better
And it's just gross
Using people who are generally hurting, regardless of fault, to validate your own feelings and actions while pretending you're helping them is just gross
@@Maximmmino It really is just gross. And I agree that Ted keeps his narcissism under the radar a lot better than Diane does, though once you see it... you don't stop seeing it.
It makes me curious about their relationship, tbh. It seems like they're both deeply narcissistic, but have so many of the same toxic core beliefs that they can be narcissistic together and perceive it as a loving relationship. Perverse.
She doesn't know what to call the "estranged side"?
How about, "The Side of The Truth"
I wish they would just talk to a therapist instead of ted
37:02 I agree wholeheartedly! I am VERY introspective, to a fault (thank you trauma!). Used to think I could handle my own shit because I was hyper-aware of all my flaws. My second therapist was the one who pointed out that I was using “introspection” as self-harm/punishment. I would have NEVER thought that on my own, or it would’ve taken many more years. I was 19 at that time; I’m 33 now. Still in therapy and still learning new stuff about myself and my own life just from talking about it to someone who has the professional skills to help me piece it together.
Question. Not that I expect an answer. But: What did you do about the way you used introspection as a sort of self-harm? I think I do something similar to myself, and I don't know what to do about it.
Unfortunately as a mum you can do a lot of horrible things to your kids and they'll always love and forgive you so these women in your videos must've done some truly awful stuff
Yeah i know so many people who have terrible parents but put up with them because they're their parents so watching these moms just avoid talking about whatever trauma is the issue here is wack
As an adult child of a mother much like the ones in these videos, here's what I'll tell you:
What really hurts isn't the "horrible things". All people make mistakes.
What truly hurts...is the lack of accountability. I could easily forgive the "horrible things", but it's the constant deflection of blame, gaslighting and saying "you're remembering it wrong", the minimizing statements such as "I was only doing what I thought was right", or the worst of all--implying that I am so incredibly broken that I somehow deserve it (excuse me, WHAT? I have many friends and work colleagues who do not have this "problem" with me). It's the lack of accountability. Because, it implies that she doesn't believe there was anything wrong with her actions. It implies that if she was in the same situation again, she'd do the same things again.
@mosaicowlstudios I completely relate 💔 All that leads to feeling like I don't matter. She made sure to remind me that she had "more Important things to worry about"
She always told me that. Especially when I was sick. Like you said it also leads to feeling like I deserved to be treated badly. To just put up with it because this was as good as it gets. People have it worse so I can't complain. Blabla. I hope you are far far away from her now 🙏🩷
@@mosaic.owl.studiosI have also been on the receiving end of these messages. I’m sorry that this has happened! You are precious and deserve to be protected. I wonder if there’s a generational thing where people are incapable of accepting any accountability?
Usually those moms actually try to apologize and reconcile. These parents refuse to, because they feel justified in the harm they caused. They will always say their parents did them worse and refuse to see how terrible their own actions are.
my god what is she like that they said "do NOT speak at this funeral"
everyone thinks they're the empath and that everyone else is a narcissist
16:40 - I will say that my brother and I stopped talking to each other for years. Barely communicating. Talking to each other just had the memories of growing up, how we were pinned against each other, how differently we were treated because we're 5 years apart and my parents' personalities/morals changed in that time... We recently started talking again but it's barely there. We don't dislike/hold resentment anymore but there is still some avoidance on both ends because the wounds are still fresh for him and I respect that. Not to be awful, but I do believe once our parents pass we'll be a lot closer.
My siblings and I drew ourselves together to care for my mom, the Queen, but I doubt the same will happen we, if she dies.
@@beanspuppets3180 i have a twin and I was the golden child whereas I guess my mom needed a scapegoat and chose my twin. We talked about it as were in our 40s our views on either side of I can do no wrong versus demon child.
I'd love to know what she means by helping her children. What does she do to "help"
What does it involve 🤔 because they seem to think controlling everything is helpful.
The son narcissist in therapy comment took me back a bit. Also when she said "he would love to be interviewed" when that's exactly what she's doing 😂
Characterizing one child as the "mean" one is so invalidating
Oh they're saying my abuse hurts them ?? that's so mean of them to say
And the daughter who was like 'hit chocolate and marshmallows' was for sure the golden child
Hold up is that Diane’s husband doing the interview??
Looks like it 😮
Yep
Came here to the comments to ask the same question! LOL
Yes. He looks so much like her, I assume his name is Dion.
I made a lot of mistakes as a parent and my son is 32 now and still loves me. Kids know when you genuinely make mistakes when you genuinely sorry and that you love them respect them . For a kid to not love you you really have to be awful and unloving
what a psycho. i don't know what is so hard about looking in the mirror and admitting that you could be wrong?
@@buddhabunnee ikr? I learned in grade school admit you're wrong, minor thing with a kid and my teacher said just apologize and make up and we did. Not that much of an issue!
Replay crew here, the man in this video is "daddy-o", the Estranged Parents host husband
Yes this was an early video so i was unsure
i am now way too familiar with diane and ted 😭😭
@@wickedbeekeeper i thought that was him!!
Most children of Narcissists have been so infantilized (and gaslit) their entire lives, that they can't function normally as adults. They don't know who they are, who they can trust, or what they want (self-knowledge required to navigate one's self through life). All of their parent's "love & support" is used to control them. When a child finally (in their late 30's) decides to call them out, the parent's withdraw their support and twist the event into some moralistic story where they fault themselves for "loving them too much" or "enabling" their "bad behavior." It's so manipulative, and destructive.
That’s so odd. I don’t picture my adult children as little kids. They’re adults! Their own people who make their own choices and I love seeing that. These narcissistic parents will not allow their children to grow up and be separate. That’s why I finally went NC with my own parents.
Agreed! I don't see my 16 year old as a little kid! In 2 years she will be making adult decisions on her own so I treat her as an adult now and I'm just glad she's still at home and I can help guide her to make the right choices. I do find it funny these parents say they still see their adult children as little kids when it comes to disciplining them or telling them what to do, but they don't see their children as little kids when it comes to spoiling them on birthdays and holidays.
And that comment about the son in law being a narcissist sounds like a lot of projecting....
If he was he would exploit her
My dad’s second wife tells people she “lost me to drugs” people assume I’m dead and she’s a horrible person. She was there for most of my childhood and I’m so happy I never have to see her again
Remember folks, its never because of them. Ever. The kids are always the issue
Yup kids and social media.
she didnt flinch about her deceased daughter. OMG
Yeah, no. That woman has never apologized for anything in her life. 😐
Herself probably
I'm binging on your all estranged parents videos ,they help me bring validation Thank You and please keep making them
I can't see any expression on her face. She's so cold.
She's talking about living under his son's rules but there shouldn't be any rules but boundaries and respect among the members of the family. They are already adults.
Infantilization is abusive.
Its very eye opening that not a single piece of her pre estrangement advice include retrospection, communicating with your child, seeking therapy, listening, changing behavior, etc. Nope it's already done so just keep on keeping on 😢
The fact that none of them would share any real stories is just maddening! 😡
Legit the only person to give any sort of detail was an estranged daughter. they're all so wack
They didn’t want to tell on themselves lol
Because "it's the internet's fault." So any reason their child gives is irrelevant because, to the parent, the child just don't realize they are being manipulated by the evil interwebz.
If all you can do is "keep a child alive" PLEASE dont be so selfish as to have children!
Your dog knows what's up.
she has a lot of opinions
It’s so odd that these people think their kids going no-contact is a new thing, but this lady kind of made me wonder… she talks about her son “disappearing” multiple times. How many people of previous generations who went no-contact with their parents were simply thought of as “runaways” or people who “disappeared”? This may have been common but less understood in previous generations where social media didn’t exist to thwart people’s attempts to cut off their family.
I flat out cackled at 30:42 because WOW did she get it wrong. Which shows how much she’s not self aware.
For anyone curious, it’s “Plan for the worst; hope for the best.” Which was an adage I learned from my grandpa and mom due to him being in WWII and her growing up in the Cold Was.
they're really not great at any sort of thinking
I think there are two factors- one is that in these echo chambers, opinions are unchallenged and will inevitably become more extreme. Secondly, any somewhat more moderate parents, or any inclined to anything like accountability or self- reflection, are mass-attacked and shouted down and are silenced and presumably leave.
The noisiest and most aggressive people make themselves top dogs and set the (awful) tone.
The only good thing about these groups is that they ar3 great for any adult child feeling a “wobble” about maintain no contact. Five mins in one of these forums banishes all doubt for a minimum of 12 months.
The fact that the SIL iced her out once his wife passed lets me know mom was acting psycho during her daughters passing. I guarantee she felt more entitled to what was left of her daughter's time and energy and tried to control the decisions she made rather than allowing her to make those choices with her husband and children.
I guess that there are two sides to every story, but we’re not getting one or the other because these parents are so vague!
28 mins and she hasn’t said anything about what actually happened!
She won't. She knows what happened but she also knows it will make her look bad.
Her saying she can only speculate and you best believe that he had those discussions with her.
I don't understand these parents always saying they always see their adult children as little kids. They refuse to see their adult children as adults. My son is in his 20's, I see him as my son but I see him as a strong capable adult.
She was "coached" by her husband (the kids stepdad) to kick her son out.
the dude talking to her is messing me up, he looks just like Ted, the husband of the other mother you've covered :P
Isn't that him? I was sure it was the husband.😯
Is the dudr conducting the interview an estranged parent too?
OMG is this the nasty ladies husband? They are running a therapy for jerk parents that run off their kids. 😂😂😂
No, Diane is the man's wife. This woman is some random person he's talking to. If you pull up Diane's estrangement videos, grab the popcorn!
I love how she thinks having a different perspective to her is having a disorder 😂 wtf
They may think they know someone else's perspective but what they dont realise is... we don't all think like they do.
Also there's usually a reason why someone turns to substances. They are trying to cope with something.
Is the man a therapist?
I wish she would give some details about real issues. So vague. I have a lot of examples to give 🤭 my brain won't let me forget.
Lmao don't take parenting too seriously? That's awful advice! It is serious. They are defenceless! If you neglect a child someone else can easily abuse them. So even if you dont do it yourself. It's still not good enough.
As an addict in recovery, you are 1000% right. The idea that a parent resents the fact that their kids snuck out and used drugs, without ever asking themselves why their child didn’t feel safe or comfortable enough to honestly come to them (probably years earlier) with the underlying issues, is anathema to the concept of ever having a productive recovery. Accountability is absolutely central to recovery - not only that of the addict’s, but that of the addict’s family, social and cultural structure. People who are mentally healthy and have a full life don’t see the appeal of an addiction. It’s actually incredibly rare for someone who is otherwise well-balanced and well-oriented to the real world to try an addictive substance and accept that living in that state would be preferable to their daily life. People who have a reliable, both physically and emotionally, safe home base they can retreat to generally don’t find the need to escape into substance use.
@jameseglavin4 agreed! I have my own issues, and I don't like to see people put others down for addictions or mental health disorders. These types of parents love to use that against their kids. It's messed up. Good to hear you are doing better now and in recovery 🩷
Did you get some accountability from your parents? I don't think I'll ever get this from my mother.
It sucks to hear the way these people thing is what i've realized
I’ve been binging these estranged parents videos, and it’s so aggravating!! Like I know you’re lying and telling 1/3 of what actually happened! There’s no take away, no teachable moments… it’s just terrible old people yapping 🙄
oh 100% so far the only video that's being reasonable was the one time ted interviewed a daughter of estrangement not a parent
"I couldn't see a way to go to my daughter's memorial... and stay completely away from my grandkids"
So, if I got this right, originally she wasn't banned from attending the memorial. The family just told her she couldn't speak, and she couldn't see the kids. It seems like it was her insistence on stomping that boundary that led to her being uninvited. Pure speculation on my part, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but yikes. If I passed away before my kids reached adulthood, there are family members that I would want to be banned from seeing my kids too.
Anyway, thanks for the video. May the algorithm smile upon you.
I’m glad I moved countries away from my family…her making it her screensaver and everything
If a person is narcissistic, they don't see you. Therefore, they don't see their relationship is in trouble unless the relationship is actively causing them discomfort. Most smart kids (with basically healthy responses) learn to minimize boat rocking for as long as possible when they know that the relationship is toxic. Their parent won't change so they wait till they have the resources to safely leave.
I find it really weird how all of these people refer to their adult children not talking to them as "leaving" and reconciling as "coming back." It seems like they are living in a fantasy where the only arrangement that can exist between two generations is "my house, my rules."
I absolutely snorted when she said she could see things from other people's perspective.
Same old song and dance. Another toxic mother taking zero responsibility for her dysfunctional relationship with her child.
Why was the son such a mess? Gee, why did he have so many issues? And if he was so dependent on them financially why did he break free for a year?
There was a time I apologized to my abusive parent, too.
Because I thought it was all my fault, because that's what I was told since I popped out the womb.
Weird ass people like this lady are a blessing in my life. It's so much easier to recognize a toxic parent when it's not your own parent.
My toxic parent had the audacity to not only blame me for my own problems, but also blamed me for my children's problems with not a hint of self awareness.
Total hypocrites.
Cheryl ❤️🩹
I did a lot of apologizing to for feeling like i wasn't good enough and then later on realized that the parent should be better about that and not force the child to feel that way. They're all awful
I’ve had a contentious relationship with my daughter. Granted she was a minor, and she was my responsibility because I was the parent. She absolutely hated my guts. She hated every single thing about me. I held my ground, I supported her, I made sure she had psychological care and stayed on top of behaviors, busted her with dabbling in drugs, my job was not to be her friend, my job was to protect her. She turned 18, physically fought me, police were involved, she told me that the night she left it was the last time I’d ever see her and if she died I am uninvited to her funeral. I was told I was dead to her. Neighbor called the cops and she went into custody. I didn’t abandon her, I wasn’t going to let her be homeless, but I would only financially pay for sober living. She’s 21 now and we are getting along well. I got apology, and I apologized to her. She was half of the dynamic. I was the other half. I forgive her completely and I believe she forgives me. We spend time together now, and I couldn’t be more proud of how far she’s come. I can only imagine if I held a grudge against her for the teen years we would never have a relationship. I cannot imagine adult kids who can’t be reconciled with. Teens are different.
Adult kids are adults. Equal adults. We’re not parents we’re peers in adulthood. My mom and dad treated me as an equal person once I was an adult. It’s a wonderful relationship to be adults with your parents. And your adult children.
You said it yourself: "I cannot imagine adult kids who can't be reconciled with." Just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean there aren't absolutely real reasons to not reconcile. My father was extremely emotionally abusive, physically threatening, physically hurt me, threw things, punched holes in walls, kicked our dog. That's just a highlight reel.
I tried most of my life to get my father's love, and to respect me, but he is too damaged and is unwilling and unable to change. I realized he would never stop trying to undermine me, and I was going to have to be the one to protect me. That no one else ever would.
My mother tries to force me to have a relationship with him, despite telling her I need to go no contact with him. She also has tried to force a relationship with the flying monkey's in my family. I spent decades trying to make the family work, but I learned that is not my job. Both of my parents were so damaged from the abuse they suffered, but because of it they were incredibly damaging to me.
The last thing I ever wanted was to lose my family. But I needed to make the chaos, trauma and pain stop. There are no accurate words for the enormity of guilt and grief I still feel from time to time, but I cannot escape the fact that my no contact makes my life feel stable and sound for the first time.
I also have major health problems and do not have the bandwidth to be the codependent caretaker of my mother anymore, who is always playing the victim, or try to manage my fathers behavior. My husband has health issues as well.
It would be wonderful to have a loving, supportive, healthy family, but wishing does not make that happen. My parents have personality disorders due to the extreme abuse they suffered and they left therapy when it required them to change. I always wondered why they acted the way they did, and now I understand it was due to personality disorders. Due to the fact that these personality disorders are considered impossible to change, unless they pursue intensive therapy, you have to accept that their behavior will not change. You have to ask yourself whether you can live with that. If they continue to violate your boundaries in adulthood, you have to save yourself.
I tried low contact with my mother, but her boundary violations only got worse. No contact is literally a life saving last resort. I'm 50 and it took me decades of trying to make it work before I could not take it anymore. I do not know what else I can do with someone I don't trust and will not respect my explicitly spelled out boundaries. I don't think they know what boundaries are.
Ultimately, it is not my job to try to force anyone to respect or listen to me. I can't make them understand. I've bloodied my head banging my head on a rock, expecting it to change. I've spent so much of my life and energy on them. I'll tell you this. I've learned through this that I will not allow *anyone* to trespass my boundaries again. They are porous no longer. Boundaries have become real because I made them real.
I wish my mother would be accountable for her actions, and mend the relationship, but it has not ever happened. I may be expected to play the role of scapegoat, but I am unwilling to do it. I have a right to live my own life as best I can. I am not carrying the baggage my family hasn't dealt with anymore. I deserve to be treated well, and I have a right to refuse mistreatment and I fully have my own back now. I no longer have to tolerate my family dysfunction and scapegoating. No one should have to. This is what I know.
@@gracieb.3054 I worded wrong, I cannot imagine adult kids who can, not can’t, be reconciled with, assuming that the parents don’t acknowledge their own mistakes and or hold a grudge or blame others.
I do not for one second believe this alleged person apologized to her mother for things she did as a child. No shot. None.
I knew that particular son's problem was drug use, just because of the specific vague info she gave all screamed drugs. Also, i think the reason these estranged parents all picture their kids as when they were tiny is because after that, it stopped being fun. The kids developed a will of their own, and they couldn't be controlled, and they stopped being an extension of the parents.
“My son got better when he moved out of state and cut his entire family out of his life”
Hmmm….. maybe a bit of a clue about the causation of his issues there?
One point is that it is not what you did or didn’t do for children, it is how you did it. Parental stress containment, emotional dysregulation, expressed in a harsh tone or anger can contaminate anything you do that in itself is a good thing. A matter of congruence of spirit and deed. The good thing given becomes toxic without emotional regulation and stress management before engaging with another human being. The correction is to apologize for the way you did something, the tone you used, and for the hurt it caused in the process of confusing exchange of energy.
A bit of irony is found in the way the parents deal with being greyrocked deeper into the estrangement
Like all their questions are being answered
But in a tone they don't appreciate
And you're just waiting for them to put it together
Definitely wish that they were interviewing The people that are not talking to their parents and ask them why
I’ve noticed fathers are typically the kind to just disappear while the mothers will keep clawing in these cases
21:01 I wonder if those words she wanted to say at the "celebration of life" was some off the wall evangelical stuff.
If you've met my narcissist mother, you've probably been inside of her anyhow
I'd love stats on how many estranged parents are also divorced to see if there's a pattern there.
I do picture my child (my favorite human being) as a little child several times a week but somedsys I am picturing her as a middle school girl and somedays as a wild toddler and somedays as an infant, I told her- I love you in all you ongoing personalities, but I really also miss that funny little girl - or the awkward girl who was crushing on the skater boys- haha! Being a parent is like being a hundred parents cuz you grow so fast! aso sometimes I shuffle back in my memory! It’s just like how Cinnamon was a tiny puppy- then a bigger puppy then learning tricks . I miss all those versions a bit and think about her. But it does no one good to get stuck in the past!
I’m a new mom and I watch these videos so I know what not to do and get tools to admit I’m wrong and apologize to my son so we hopefully don’t get to a point of no contact in the first place. These parents are delusional. At least with my in-laws they fully acknowledge their own shortcoming and their role in the estrangement of my BIL (he is having addiction issues right now) and they respect the boundaries but leave an open invitation to family events and in their lives
You know whats ridiculous? I did have a kid. And all I could think of is "how could you!?" Instead of forgiving her. Funny. Not quite what they had in mind
"Work for us" I wonder what that actually means? Maybe it means pay him half the rate or not at all?
Who is this therapist? Someone said it's Diane's huaband?! I can't find him
Is that Diane's husband?
31:00 okay... I get why you would think this sounds stupid, but it really comes down to the wording. She wants them to look at books about grief. It is grieving to lose a relationship even if they are still alive. Bad take.
I think son in law is the narc here. It happens a lot.
Nah bit kah, it's your abuse that caused the addiction.
I'm commenting early but this sounds like substance issues.
Edit: I called it damn it she was an enabler
Telling the truth is no guaruntee people are going to believe us. I have the right to for example change my settings on Facebook so that when I die the Facebook company then owns the copywrite on my Facebook profile. To prevent anyone from charging me for any Facebook post which I have set to be available to only me whenever realizing that otherwise then I would have to pay for the license for that story. After I die would my children then feel angry about that when for example complaining that I left behind no photographs of them when they were small children? No. Of course not. Right now while watching this video to the right now I am seeing a news report from Crime MKT TH-cam channel informing about another case in which a nun got murdered by priest for refusing to serve him. A nun would never have the right to ask a priest or a monk to no longer be paying visits at the building which she has to work in. Like for example when working in the kitchen of a seminary school. I cannot bring myself to watch that movie. That would be too upsetting to me. I'm already like a lot of other old women end up feeling too during old age starting to feel afraid of all men. My adult sons of course and that one coworker who asked me to adopt him far less so. My former second husband after I divorced him had foster children living with him and he had another biological child too. I have a good relationship wiith her as well. I can be in the same yard or room during a large family gathering as that second former husband of mine without a fight between us in front of everyone. I cannot allow him to drive me anywhere though. Something which believe it or not a psychologist from the American Psychological Association with dual citizenship too had tried to convince me that I should be okay with. Even though I told him about the physical abuse and the chaos being caused by his abuse. Something which a prior wife of his had left him about. In addition to that his 3rd wife left him. Next his live in girlfriend only had to leave him too. Her daughter is dead due to drug addiction. I have never met her. I do not know her name. I cannot change other people. Nor can I change how things are done in the family court systems around the world. While there are a lot of people still who tend to believe both children and women less often. His half brother in the past was jailed for attempted murder of his wife. After leaving that second husband of mine I still had to be a witness for his half brother's murder trial. The whole time I was married to that guy he was obsessed with being litigous towards other people too. Now my one son from him has to live with the truth about who his father is which is a constant embarrasment to him. Like after his dad borrowed his car and then trashed the standard transmission on it and so now he has to get to work on foot for awhile. His dad now has 2 artificial legs while he insists that he doesn't need any modification of any of his car to own. He managed somehow to get his driver's license renewed. None of us know anymore how to cope with his behavior without great cost to each and every one of us.
I am semi estranged from my parens. But Im going to tell you. Watched a few of your videos for information . You do nothing but pre judge everything before the people even speak. It is not helpful.
Why did you have to comment on her glasses? What did that have to do with anything?