I’m a biracial black woman who when to PWIs and I relate. I’ve been hurt by white friends, thinking I could initiate a conversation to resolve an issue but they get passive aggressive and I start feeling like they don’t see me and it becomes impossible to talk to them because it’s like I’m having to explain the concept of empathy to them. It’s a pattern that feels like codependency to me, white people expect me to have a relationship with them where we talk about a lot of emotional stuff but only to the extent that their perspective is centered.
I'm Afroitalian was adopted by a white family, and I never felt part of anything and this feeling still radicates it in my heart brain and soul, which hurts a lot every day. Now I'm working in Portugal and the majority of my colleagues are white and Italian, and the loneliness hits every day. But I need to endure...
Hey love . I’m not aware of your circumstances. I hope that one day you are able to find a place in the world where you are seen and loved! It’s possible we are never truly alone.🤎
If you read from my diary, this video would sound almost exactly the same. Being Black in Canada is like being on stage when it comes to diversity and inclusion, but once you step out of performing: people act like you are wearing an invisibility cloak. Never rob yourself of your right to your emotions. This video helped me a lot.
Big hug 🫂. I would've posted normally instead of piggybacking on another message, but I think after so many replies, the comments get shut off(?) Hate to see you cry. Also 5'10"?? Wow 😍😍😍 @KieraBreaugh
apparently the bare minimum is asking too much. my friends not only do not invite me to some plans but also talk about all the fun they had together without me in my face. you are so brave to speak up and tell them how they made you feel, i would love to do that but im sure they would just abandon me right after that lol. anyways sending you a virtual hug 🫂I love everything you do
I don't recommend this, but I had friends that did that and instead of talking to them about it I cut them off. I was already dealing with personal issues and used that minor slight as an excuse. Not saying that's your situation. I recommend not cutting them off, because it's usually better in my opinion to either address the issue or pull back and distance yourself. No need to burn a bridge. On the inside, maybe you don't consider them close friends anymore, but you can still keep those connections in your back pocket. Plus, now you have more free time to pursue new endeavors and meet more folks. No bridges burned. Might even find a situation where having those old friends' contact info comes in handy. When I cut my friends off it was during Covid when I was young and stupid, but also very depressed. Should they have excluded me and talked about fun things they did without me? Probably not. But I didn't always commit to hanging out a hundred percent of the time either. Neither side was perfect, but I went about it the wrong way. Problem is, those were pretty much my only friends because of my age at the time, the lockdown, lack of work or education experience, lack of real life experience, and I have no contact with friends from my hometown bc I deleted social media in high school. So by cutting those folks off I isolated myself for awhile. Now I'm rebuilding my social circle, got social media again, but I recognize my bad habits. I can't take things too personally. I have to speak up if something bothers me. And dropping a metaphorical nuke on my relationships will only cause more problems down the line. I'm finally getting new connections again, but I'm being more careful about not getting too attached and crossing my personal boundaries. It's better to have distant connections that can be rekindled, or a favor you can call in one day, than no connections at all. I know my situation isn't the same as yours, but I hope this made sense.
I feel this so hard. I grew up in Alberta and have lived in Toronto as well, and I can confirm that there is little to no Black solidarity in both provinces. The level of rejection that Black women experience here even in our OWN spaces is insane. And not to mention the strikes against you if you have the audacity to be Black AND shy/quiet/reserved. Community is something you have to work so much harder to seek here and it really is devastating. I second your thoughts about creating those spaces yourself. An exercise group or book/film club for WOC (anything that meets regularly really) could definitely help create a stronger sense of belonging. Hell, I might start one myself. Here's to leaving loneliness behind in 2024 and finding connection in 2025. Wishing you all the best!
Your frustration with how people interpret your presence is so relatable. You are not asking for too much. Leave that friend group. Stop interacting with people who don’t even consider you. It’s an awful feeling letting them go but overall it can benefit you in the long run.
I'm a southeast Asian woman who grew up in a overwhelmingly white area and have always had difficulty being included, and this video really hits hard, and I'm currently crying, having currently very recently gone through a personal community/friend group blow up situation. This video was very on time ❤
I absolutely feel you, I spent my 20's and most of my 30's dealing with this. In my 40's I'm starting a wellness center, with an amazing Sista, geared toward BIPOC, queer and focused on community events like dance, workshops and spiritual events. I absolutely see you sister. We need you! We absolutely need people like you to call in community.
Wow I relate to this feeling. I’m from the south and I moved to Cali, but to an area where there is barely anyone that looks like me. If they did look like me they gave off the energy of liking being the token black person. No matter how hard I tried, and how much of a good friend/person I would be, I never really felt community like I did back home.
As a Black girl living in upstate NY (very white area) who is also 5'10", I feel the emotions you are sharing so deeply. I have often experienced having to make the space for community with other black women even though I NEED the community too! And that inhumanity glamor that gets put on us for having to be protective and competent...whew. You are so not asking for too much. Sending you so many virtual black girl hugs.
Hang in there, babe! Your 20s can be tough, but you’ll figure it out and find your people-it just takes a lot of trial and error. As a Black American woman living in Vancouver, BC, for the past 16 years (I’m 34 now), I totally understand what you’re talking about. The vibe with people in Canada can be...weird. Folks here are often reserved and just different. But trust me, you will find your people in time. The fact that you’re young is a huge advantage-you can be flexible and move between different groups as you figure out where you fit. If you have the means, I really recommend traveling a lot in your 20s, especially to places that bring you joy. Make international connections (in the U.S., Europe, etc.), so you have people to visit when you need a break from Toronto. It’s important to remember there’s a whole world out there full of people waiting to love on you. I’ve also found a lot of comfort and acceptance in the queer community, so I’d encourage you to explore those spaces and events around town. I’ve made some of my best, most loving friends in queer spaces. Another tip: check out left-focused events at universities in your area. You’re more likely to meet people there who are liberal and open-minded. Lastly, go where the love is! I completely understand wanting loyal Black friends-you will find your group eventually. But in the meantime, lean into the people who are leaning into you, no matter what race they are. Sending you so much love, babygirl! 💓💓💓
God damn what I’d give to give this lady a hug, I’m also struggling dealing with ppl in my friend group too cuz it feels like there’s a wall there with me and I’ve constantly had this trust issue of wanting to be wanted and never feeling the love fr from ppl who wasn’t family
This is incredibly validating! I grew up in predominantly white environments in the PNW. I never “fit-in” growing up. I was often excluded and passively outcasted by my peers. I was also introverted, nerdy and had unpopular interests and hobbies, so it was kind of a double edged sword. I always thought something was innately wrong with me because I struggled to keep and maintain friendships, but when I moved out of state in a more diverse city, I started making friends and finally experienced what it felt like to blend in. I didn’t change much, but my environment sure did! So that was the problem all along.
This video was super touching! One piece of advice I will offer (that you didn't ask for, so you can disregard if it doesn't fit ) but the place where you are born is not always the place you are meant to stay forever. It sounds like America may feel more like "home" than Canada, and thats OK. I left my hometown young and found my "home" in another large city where I fit in much better. Maybe that uncomfortableness you feel is your sign to leave and find peace elsewhere.❤
asian girl from the midwest here, thank you so much for sharing, i relate to this sooo much. as someone about to graduate and move to a new city, i think about this all the time. i’ve felt a feeling of otherness or distance in too many relationships with non poc. something about the interactions always leaves me feeling like something important was missing. it’s always something i’m nervous for in new situations. sometimes i wonder if i’m the problem, holding people at a distance for fear of not being white enough for them but too prideful to ever change myself
Wow this is why I never felt close with white people and never tried hard to be friends with a white person. I can’t be friends with someone that I don’t feel can relate to struggles I think about or deal with everyday as a POC. I want to share my vulnerable stories and struggles and get actual sympathy not pity. I hate that feeling of being ‘othered’ so much. I’m tired of feeling alone. I want a deep connection. I agree I never tried to change myself to fit into any friend group especially a white friend group. It’s so sad how oblivious or comfortable they are with othering non white people. When you are so used to being centered I guess you think it’s normal to treat POC friends as background characters in your life.
@@jannah-g6dit doesn’t help that that’s how the media usually portrays them, and when a POC is the lead, it’s race bending or considered a *name race here* show
Really interesting. I got into a deep dive of loneliness research today so we are on the same page... What I found was really interesting and I journalled about it... Loneliness is very harmful to our health. ❤
10:15-10:50 I relate to you when you question your worth because of "tough exterior". In my 31 years i still feel this way. I feel I put so much effort to build relationships that I push people away and feel not good enough. One thing i was able to reflect through coping is realizing I still have the same emotions as i did as a child. (I also work with children) As children we are meant to be guided with these emotions and sometimes these coping habits and insecurities stick with us even into adult years. I hope you will find your inner peace and realize you are worthy of love and love yourself as god made you. ❤ "Be kind to your younger self" is what i live by now. Take care of yourself before trusting others to care for you. You will only be disappointed.
It wasn't an accident having your video randomly suggested to me. I'm a mixed, queer, AuDHD, disabled due to chronic illness in the Midwest and I've always been working in white spaces due to lack of representation. For the last year, I've been feeling iced out by my colleagues, my community, and everywhere else. My social life has died due to being sick, but things have escalated with the height of post-election. I resonated so, so much with your video, especially with your experiences growing up. Thank you for sharing this, Kiera.
Girlll I want to teleport to you and give you the biggest hug. I have had similar experiences as I think many black women have that have spent/spend most of their lives in predominantly white spaces. Honestly what helps is I tell myself that everyone loves me and wants to be around me. 😂I also make a point to treat others the way I expect to be treated and point out the differences (I’m petty) in how we treat each other. I want them to know what they are losing when I finally disappear and they never hear from me again.
I felt so much of this. First, I'm so sorry that these people who were supposed to be your friends treated you this way. The biggest thing I heard out of this was a lack of empathy for your experience and especially a lack of reciprocity, both of which I feel like are required for meaningful relationships. I've been there and I'm still there some days. I've been conditioned to accommodate others and give them so much consideration (especially white "friends" and partners) until there was a point there was nothing left for me. You are not asking for too much. You are asking for what you absolutely deserve and you deserve so much more. These people don't deserve you. The amount of self-awareness, your vulnerability and your ability to shift perspectives is so powerful and you will attract the right people into your life because of it. People who see your humanity, who listen and understand you and can match your gifts and your energy. It's a slow moving process. Shit, I'm trying to find more of these people myself. But I believe the wait is worth it.
It’s so hard making friends as an adult . Next year I’m hoping to foster more friendships and a sense of community. Sending virtual hugs ❤ You’re not alone
Hi Kiera, thank you so much for opening up. I just want to validate a couple of things: Firstly, all Afro-descended people in the Diaspora are displaced peoples, no matter our origin. Yes, some of us "chose" to come to the West, but was it really a choice when our home countries were ravaged by colonialism, leaving us with such a lack of safety and opportunity that it became difficult for any of us to remain back home? Black Caribbeans also came to the Americas on slave ships, perhaps even your ancestors. So please do not feel separate from the experience of black americans--we are all dealing with the pain of white supremacy in our own way. I am also a mixed African/Latina/Caribbean woman born and raised in the U.S. and I grew up in a white affluent area, which I moved back to a few years ago. As I write this to you now I am on long-term travels to catch a break from the suffocating whiteness of my hometown. Although I live in one of the most liberal, lesbian-friendly cities in the U.S., it is still extremely isolating and I need to travel just to come up for air. I've had trouble forming sustainable friendships in my area with white women. Although I have not had the issue of being "left out", I just can't feel close to white women when I feel so starved of my community and they are so damn comfortable swimming in whiteness. It creates an imbalance that they are not even aware of, cannot speak to/comfort me, and it's exhausting. I prioritize connections and friendships with Black Women. You deserve better in your friendships and I know plenty of black women who refuse to make friends with white folks because it doesn't feel like home to them / or they do not wish to navigate racism in their intimate relationships. Maybe you need a break too and if so, just know that it's okay to take one in whatever way works for you. Either way, it sounds like your white friends are not good friends and you might be playing out old traumas by opting into this dynamic with them. Sending love and hoping you find peace and the solidarity you deserve 🤎
You are not wrong in any way. I have felt same ways you are feeling. You articulated in such a real raw way what is a very common experience for many black or women of color. I don’t think America was ever the best place for women of color. We were never truly considered human. Many black women do much better abroad for this reason. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction by not accepting people’s half assed efforts and bread crumbs.
First, I want to say I’m sending love and positive energy your way. Second, I know exactly how you feel. I too am a tall black woman and EVERYONE EVERYWHERE is always intimidated and honestly it took some time but IDGAF. It’s a they issue and not ours. I’m super sweet, go out of my to make people feel comfortable and invited. I love to make people feel welcomed and heard. However some people have a way of making you feel like you are not doing enough which in turn makes you feel like not enough and to them I say F YOU. It’s there assumptions and preconceived notions. A burden has been placed upon BW/WOC and it’s hard one but shake it off. You are you, you are smart, tall, beautiful and kind and if those weak misguided people cannot see that or appreciate that then walk away. You deserve more, you deserve to have friends that love you for you. Continue working on yourself and doing the things you want too and going the places you want your tribe will come. As sad as this feels this is a perfect moment to fully focus on you. When you do that the rest will fall in line and the right people will come in to your life. We sensitives can’t just have any random friends that’s not our path we have to have THE RIGHT people around us. So stay strong and put yourself in the rights places to meet the type of friends you want. They’re out there but you may have to open up to going new places and trying new things by yourself. You got this! Okay that’s my mom, you know what, let’s say big sis speech. 💐🍇🥰
Born and raised french/Congolese descent. I totally understand you, and see you ! Like you've said I had enough because I realised they actually didn't care enough whereas because of our environment and position we must be aware very early on in our lives and think always to the maximum for an event and our surroundings to feel at ease and comfortable. It's not their fault but when point at, like we always do, it's then become a choice and some might want to change and others don't because it is too much to do and ask to a grown full adult... And just like you've said, the lack of humanity... It's sad... I understand your anger but I urge you to accept it, only that way you'll live free of their dismissal towards you as a whole person with all the traits of you. I feel like for a woc, and us black women as somewhat of a curse, it is also a blessing to fully see this aspect of humanity. All you have to do now is to know how to use so that it benefits you... It is a lonely and hard journey but it looked like it is worth it and people who will wish to be present with you will follow along. I'm only 27 btw 😘💖 We are probably not of the same ancestry, but I always do see another see black woman as of my community, even when we don't get along and agree...❤
I was THE only brown person in an all primary white upper class Jewish area. Compliments would be so coded like "oh I forget you're not white" etc etc. took me a long time to embrace my race and ethnicity.
I'm white, but I still felt a lot of this: Piscean, only child, bullied growing up in the midwest, feeling isolated, and having a similar nature as a woman. I'm used to handling myself and being a bit self protective, so people don't anticipate my vulnerabilities and sensitivities that I had to hide growing up. Thank you for talking about your experiences and helping me both relate, and empathize with the situations I haven't experienced to better hold that space. I hope your holidays are treating you okay, and I'm glad you're processing your feelings. It matters, and you're worthy of regard and softness.
My emotional rock bottom was when I was surrounded by nothing but white women for more than half of my life and I’m 27 now… still processing it all and trying to slowly let it go to this day.
I think some people can feel your sincerity and poise and true interest to engage and all the love you have to give and they subconsciously don't feel like they can keep up with your strength and kindness so they keep it superficial and a bit more distant because they can't get to that level of true connection and friendship and don't want to feel bad about themselves. I'm white but I've also always had that feeling of staying a bit of an outsider everywhere I go and I feel very lonely at times. Right now I'm very selective about who I spend my time with but I always feel like I need to hold back because I'm a very warm person and like to connect but also know where I stand and don't like to not be true to myself just to fit in, because I'm a very easy person to be with for those who want to, I just can't keep running after people who don't and keep getting hurt. I think some of it is also part of the pain of being a woman and my female friends becoming less connected as soon as they're with a man and suddenly, everyone has their partner's shoulder to lean on and you feel left out lonely. However, I've really appreciated some friendships with elderly women, it's not the same as going to a club but very precious in a different way. I'm trying to not withdraw and get bitter and focus on the moments I feel connected to people and also on what brings me joy when I'm on my own.
It's so hard to connect to others when you don't know the story of where you came from. 💝 You are not alone. That is such a deeply hurtful experience to be excluded for you what you weren't given, for what was stolen. 😭
I don’t know what to do either 😢 we are all just here thugging this shit out like 😭😭😭 and it’s the hardest of times. there’s a looming threat of violence at all times just because they want to be themselves. So that fact is what keeps me hopeful. Like when I’m in a room full of white people ostracizing me, all I think is “everybody is having a horrible time right now and it’s all because we don’t want to extend the vulnerability of connection to one another.” I get mad at white people, at mixed and black people who reject my community, and other things. And I don’t and can’t excuse the way their actions have hurt me deeply, but I just cope by remembering that everyone is having a horrible time at the moment and acting out from a place of stress and rejection of self. ❤
I relate to this alot. The difference from being in a pwi space vs a black space is a feeling that really is craved once its gone. I think one thing i really had to tackle this year, concerning letting things that dont serve/ care for me also go, would be summarized by a pintrest quote "you dont win a prize for making things harder". And i resonate with it
I’m sorry that you’re going through this Kiera :(( I can’t say that I know exactly what it’s like because I am a light-skinned hispanic woman, but I know what it’s like to feel outcast at a PWI. The neglect from childhood (I think that’s what you’re describing) hit deeep. I feel like I don’t relate w white people and I don’t relate with hispanic people (a lot of them are misogynistic and racist unfortunately too) :(( thank you for being vulnerable and no you’re not asking for too much imo. We deserve friends who make us feel considered and wanted!
I’m from MN and I relate to everything you said. I think I’ve become a homebody because there isn’t a real Black community here, rather than I just love being in the house :(
hey girl i'm in toronto and i'd be down for your book club or group chat or whatever. could be a i'm a Black woman. i relate to being othered in friend groups as the "strong" one or the person who people assume that you'll be fine with the short end of the stick because other people or other things are priority. I've been there where other girls get to be fragile, or feminine, or honest and everyone jumps in to help or listen or be available but when it comes to you it's like oh you've been through worse you'll be fine. i feel like a dynamic that also adds a struggle for me in toronto / adulting is that i came from a tough love family with a mother that was super controlling which basically translates to me having to be hyper independent to get away from the control but family and friends treating me as hyper independent because i've either proven i can do things alone or i've shown i have the ability to do things alone which makes me out of sight out of mind for those that don't check in. it's a hard load to carry and I know black people have community in Toronto but I don't know where they congregate.
The craziest part is, the people who are white also have that same fear of isolation or rejection. So in response, they are choose-y with what friends they bring where. Even if their white or model minority friends aren’t as good of friends to them as you are. I relate with you so much Kiera, and you are so intelligent and brave and feeling and it’s an injustice that you’re not treated as your worth. Thank you for trusting us with your vulnerability.
I feel for you Kiera and everyone in the comment section ❤️ Please believe, if they don't want you in the club. You don't even want to be there anyway. I'd much rather be alone at least for the time being and find my tribe later PW Society is very overrated 🤟
This may seem harsh, but I’d recommend crying by yourself until you find a safe space to express the fullness of your humanity. Recently I came to the understanding that a lot of people get pleasure out of seeing us down, even going as far as to act like they are being victimized when we are showing any type of emotion.
All this plus lets add in being married to a conventionally attactive wm , good career and attractive PLUSSSSS looking younger than you are. Not only everything said in this video there is a special type of vitrol you get from this experience. I also lived in the usa and the bw there are so amazing. I love being seen by other bw acknowledging me and also giving back the same love. But where im at in Canada , non existant. Super lonely , and it feels like you are always under attack. Its very chlenging, thank you for speaking up because this isnt talked about at alllll.
I’m a South Asian woman and even though our experiences aren’t the same (I am not Black), theres so many parallels that this video really hit me hard. I moved to Boston in the midst of the pandemic and I’ve been trying to make new friends but nothing seems to be working so well. My almost very white workplaces and places I go to work out/do hobbies have surface level nice people in them but they’re not really interested in getting to know me on a deeper level - i ask people questions and talk them up, but they almost never reciprocate (except for the occasional fetishizer who tries to hook up with me). I’ve been going out to more BIPOC spaces but I haven’t made any actual friends yet, but I will keep trying. Lastly some BIPOC folks I wind up meeting sometimes wind up being the kinds who want to be the only BIPOC in the room, so that’s been weird too. It’s lonely! I hope 2025 brings us new opportunities to build the supportive social circle of our dreams ♥️☀️
OMG! I'm a black girl. I was living downtown Toronto and working in corporate and felt so alone. The isolation is real. I eventually left during the pandemic and came back home to Montreal. Wish we could have connected then. 😭
I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and honest about this stuff cuz it’s hard af🩵 thank u for sharing your story, esp when it comes to this topic. Making quality friends can be hard af but this is the exact honesty that helps u find your people✨
i resonate with this video a lot i am also a black biracial woman i went to predominantly black/hispanic school and college was my first experience going to a pwi and experiencing liking like i don’t belong or somehow getting excluded as if i didn’t exist. it’s definitely a different experience because i know it their is always going to be a disconnect to white friend groups compared to poc. at parties we would go to im basically the friend who makes sure everyoe is okay and watches the really drunk friend and gets everyone together at the end of the night . the one night i decided to get drunk for halloweekend i get left behind and they called me telling me they all already left and that the bus to get home was here and to hurry up. no grace no kindness towards me at all just an after thought. i guess i was always overlooked in a way as if i wasn’t there. maybe it’s when i see post of the night that we were all at but some of them post everyone else besides me. i cant tell if i’m blowing out of project but it’s like i’m a fangirl to everyone else.
It's not just you. I'm black and also trans. I never felt solidarity with any group of people. Even before coming out, I was ostracized by other blacks for being too nerdy. The only group that ever seemed to tolerate me were the white kids and then, that just amounted to me being the token black 'friend' who, like you was always conveniently forgotten. So when I finally started this whole path of self-acceptance do you think I'd find solidarity with trans people? Haha. No. I continued to experience the very same things you do even to this day. For a while, I thought that was changing with my new group of friends until I made the decision to come out. Well, now I'm not 'one of the guys' and neither am I a real woman to them, so I continue to experience the same thing. The worst part is that not a single one of them is even white. I clawed my way out of poverty alone with no family or friends to depend on. I guess that makes me a 'strong' person. I honestly hate that word. It's nothing more than an empty platitude. Our strength is just an excuse in their eyes to treat us poorly. Oh, we're strong so we can handle it right? I honestly believe it's not you, me, or anyone else who resonates with your message. The harsh fact is that most of the humans on this planet, regardless of their color, simply humanity, and that becomes painfully apparent when they're confronted with someone even slightly different than them.
I feel this in my soul, my friends are lovely people but I feel like they assume that they all need more comfort than I do. I personally feel like part of is it a me thing bc I’m pretty closed off emotionally, but I still think that easy things like inviting you to things should be an obvious part of a friendship. And it seems like you’re communicating your needs far better than I do, so they shouldn’t have the excuse of assuming or not knowing in my opinion.
Completely identify w/ your feelings. I’m from the U.S., but I’m very multicultural. Overall an Afrolatina.. but never fitting in any circles. I’ve gotten used to the eventual isolation. Hugs.
Please don’t feel that way! The best way to heal is to find a guy or friend that totally loves you for who you are We can count our real friends on one hand. This has nothing to do with race color creed etc! I grew up in an Italian Neighborhood and was the most popular kid! The fact is I only have one true friend from that cohort of 10 childhood friends You need the right friends and right guy. Take care
So glad you are doing this video...blk people tend to understand being pushed away by white America hence why we tend to pull people in. I lived in Minnesota for 3.5 years....the longest time i have ever been in such a monoracial place...im from miami. It was a culture shock!!! People are passive aggressive and they are COLD. Its just their way. Personally, i would decrease how much im paid if it meana i could live in a diverse place. It is easier to build community. I love the part when you talk about the strong blk woman thing. There is such a lack of softness with blk women. People dont care to think much about us in the way of care.
Of course! You are such a cool and lovely person. You deserve to be cherished in all your friendship! I will be so happy to be friends with you! I have no doubt that you put forth your best effort, and I have heard that your emotions are entirely sincere! Who cares, you are tall and muscular! You are truly beautiful! Ensure that you always go first! Hell no! You are deeply not asking too much! It's important for you to find your soul friend and family because you are a 10. That is it! You are hot ! Stay hot ! Period !
I am a biracial black trans woman who has been openly queer most of my life. I relate to you so deeply in constantly feeling alone. In feelings, in friendship, in life. I was bullied by both friends and their parents for being queer. I would make friends, get close with them, and then find when I went to their houses it would inevitably end with them icing me out. I am a deeply sensitive person and grew up in a very white neighborhood. If it wasn’t my blackness that was the problem, it was definitely my very obvious queerness that made it hard to maintain friendships.
I can relate, im mixed, come from the carribean, ive also been to and got family member in trinidad, living in the uk. Feel similar too you sometimes, youre not alone, I relate to like most of what youre saying, ive felt like i dont belong. Same experience dont feel close connection to family, dont have a strong culture background in a sense. I kinda got used to being mostly alone though, there are positive sides, youre self awareness will increase something that only happens when youre alone, and then also youll be more aware of what a true friend is, compared to just a shallow on the surface level friendship. Just look at them as people who didnt invite you, not true friends. Just my opinion. Though by the time ive posted this, you might already feel better. I hope,
It really isn't you, I've realised doesn't matter how you present yourself other people already have a preconceived notion of you, and who you are in their lives. I think white women tend to be more obsessed with other peoples view of them and who they surround themselves with.
Yeah I agree with your sentiment. It doesn’t matter if she’s bold enough to confront them about their behavior, or is the reserved and quiet black girl, they still wouldn’t efff with her like that. Meaning the problem is them not her. From my experiences I no longer care to teach those who lack humanity how I am humane too.
This is so real actually cause dealing with white people in friendships has taken years off my life, especially since I grew up in predominantly white areas you would think I figured it out but I lowkey never did. Also calling them out in every which way possible other than outright anger, and when I cry it’s scary for them somehow lol. Its also weird cause they had entirely different childhoods so sometimes it feels like I’m parenting them and never need help, except when I do it feels like my friends never showed up for me, but all my friends of color hold me in a way I could never put on paper. It’s irreplaceable and when the universe brings them to you, never let them go. Keep your head up girl
This is me... This has been me for years and as I realize it more and more this devasting loneliness is coming from white spaces. And it's not intentional but when I have had only black people groups I have never experienced this behavior. And you are right it's because the troupe that WOC aren't soft and the exterior is hard and indestructible
You are beautiful and smart and that’s not going to make this better I’ve made this mistake as a young white girl, no excuses- but as for the Why - i felt insecure because i didn’t know how to help cross the racial divide And then i grew up And became wiser and now i just try to listen
Thank you truly, You may enjoy the book the confident empath. Being an empath was like a really popular thing a little while ago and I was reluctant to identify as one because people around me who I love were Identifying as one and I noticed that they were very un-empathetic and Didn't care about learning emotional intelligence at all. Then recently, after Many signs from the universe I realized I was one and That there are different kinds of empaths, spiritual people, and sensitives. I am not a pisces. The planet that rules your sign Blows a kiss (trines) My sun and mars. I am a very sensitive Gemini Black women. I am pretty isolated right now, My best friend Literally can't give me the same emotional support as I give her because she is stuck in trauma brain. She Doesn't have any motivation to learn emotional intelligence and healing. My kindness and friendship Isn't motivation for her to love herself more. She is nice enough for me to stay in the relationship, We met in middle school and she is white. I'm focused on my own healing and being as grounded as possible so I don't really look for more friends. In fact everyone in my life doesn't really get the the extreme importance of emotional intelligence. Your not asking for to much at all. I realized a long time ago that everyone has wounds but not everyone is willing to be honest about them. It's actually a really strong thing to be authentic and just be yourself at every level of evolving. You are not alone beautiful soul. Thank you for helping me to feel like I'm not alone.
I have always been left out of WW spaces although I have went above and beyond to include them in my life. The jealousy I faced and the bogus accusations women have made up about me is insane. You are not harsh. Your LIGHT is what triggers most. I stopped dimming my light. Everyone can do what they want but whenever I want to do something it becomes a problem. Definitely find your tribe because many of us bi-racial women can relate to your lived experience.
That’s why when people say, try Europe, I let ‘‘em know I’d love a place where most people look like me. I’m so tired of being asked about my race that I say I don’t know because I was adopted; unless I think they’re not racist or insensitive.
Girl! Can we be friends? You pretty much described my childhood, and I think I’ve got a good 20 years on you! I really thought we had collectively moved past all this, but I guess the F not! And the “intimidating” thing. God help us. I’m 5’7” and 130 lbs. Intimidate where? Intimidate how? And yes, I have been that girl, that the other gals giggled and ran away from on a day out. Except the gals were all in our late 20s to mid 30’s. Suffice to say, I left that friend group. Don’t get me started. I need to keep my day job.
im a white woman and i know ive lost friends of color because i let them down and couldn't put aside my own fragility to support them through conversations about whiteness and all the ways they were suffering because of it. I cant imagine the feelings of betrayal my friends went through. They and you deserve better friends who can center their whole feelings and not their own white comfort.
4:51 I know you didn’t want to talk about it further in the video but what you just described was a definitely a Black girl’s experience. The triangulation that we experience multiple times in our lives is insane. Side-note: I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this pain, I have felt how you felt before and you aren’t crazy for feeling being hurt by this. I don’t know you but I am confident that you are often a safe place for your friends, that makes the situation more egregious.
Not to scare you, but there is a chance you won't fit in anywhere. Being neurodivergent and a sometimes insecure, outspoken, leader (when needed) will always place you on the outside. People operate like a beehive. There is a hierarchy and it shouldn't be broken. The leaders main job is to pretend they have it all together. If you are not a leader then you need to stand down and never usurp attention or fail to be deferential to the leader. Most importantly, if you see something, you don't say something. I don't think that's your vibe. Advice: Take your adhd meds, consistently, for the rest of your life. You will find you dont meed friends like you think you do. You don't need them or anyone. Also, you may probably are autistic. 😂 I am just now listening to you describe your methodical honesty when you read you bullet point list. I also laugh because I hope you are taking this as good news. Finally, they are all treacherous. But.so are you. You commit treason everytime you speak your mind. People HATE to be honest. They will never tell you the truth. And you probably offended them in 1000 ways because you don't operate by norms or social rules. Good news, though. It's not only because you are black. If you were sufficiently beneath them as a black girls, they would be only too willing to adopt you. I am listening to you and I hope you will help someone like I am trying to help you. If you are marriage minded, get married and start a family. You will pop out weirdos like Gizmo in water. Everything will make sense then. Good luck, your friendly, also 5'10 light skinnededed weirdo with few (and mostly related) true friends. ❤
Those are not friends babe the fact that they didn’t even take the time out to send a text being like hey, girl we’re going to such and such shows that they didn’t want you there. I hope that you eventually can find friends that want to spend time with you
I’m black girl from London and I totally agree you. I’ve tried using apps to befriend other black girls but it’s superficial, they only want to talk about men, or be in competition with you, and they won’t bother reaching out unless I do. It got exhausting so I stopped reaching out. I cry too because I lack deep friendships/ relationships.
I’m a biracial black woman who when to PWIs and I relate. I’ve been hurt by white friends, thinking I could initiate a conversation to resolve an issue but they get passive aggressive and I start feeling like they don’t see me and it becomes impossible to talk to them because it’s like I’m having to explain the concept of empathy to them. It’s a pattern that feels like codependency to me, white people expect me to have a relationship with them where we talk about a lot of emotional stuff but only to the extent that their perspective is centered.
I stopped having intimate relationships with them for this exact reason.
That’s so true they want their perspective on life to be validated by you and if your perspective shows something they don’t wanna see they get mad
YES
I’m so done. Even worse when it’s your boss who uses you for validation
What means biracial black?….
I'm Afroitalian was adopted by a white family, and I never felt part of anything and this feeling still radicates it in my heart brain and soul, which hurts a lot every day. Now I'm working in Portugal and the majority of my colleagues are white and Italian, and the loneliness hits every day. But I need to endure...
Being black in Italy is a whole another level never heard anything good from POC living their or even visiting there...
Sending you love and strength💗
Hey love . I’m not aware of your circumstances. I hope that one day you are able to find a place in the world where you are seen and loved! It’s possible we are never truly alone.🤎
I feel your pain and I’m sending my prayers to you.
I live in Europe and I’m black too….I feel so bad and like my life don’t matter at all💔
If you read from my diary, this video would sound almost exactly the same. Being Black in Canada is like being on stage when it comes to diversity and inclusion, but once you step out of performing: people act like you are wearing an invisibility cloak. Never rob yourself of your right to your emotions. This video helped me a lot.
Im glad you understood me on this one, means a lot ❤
Big hug 🫂. I would've posted normally instead of piggybacking on another message, but I think after so many replies, the comments get shut off(?) Hate to see you cry. Also 5'10"?? Wow 😍😍😍 @KieraBreaugh
Wow. I’m a black girl. Family from the south. I hope you feel the virtual hug and love and sorry you’re feeling alone.
apparently the bare minimum is asking too much. my friends not only do not invite me to some plans but also talk about all the fun they had together without me in my face. you are so brave to speak up and tell them how they made you feel, i would love to do that but im sure they would just abandon me right after that lol. anyways sending you a virtual hug 🫂I love everything you do
Nah those aren’t your friends t
Those are not your friends, they do not like you. Please go out and find people to hang out with that actually like you.
I don't recommend this, but I had friends that did that and instead of talking to them about it I cut them off. I was already dealing with personal issues and used that minor slight as an excuse. Not saying that's your situation. I recommend not cutting them off, because it's usually better in my opinion to either address the issue or pull back and distance yourself. No need to burn a bridge. On the inside, maybe you don't consider them close friends anymore, but you can still keep those connections in your back pocket. Plus, now you have more free time to pursue new endeavors and meet more folks. No bridges burned. Might even find a situation where having those old friends' contact info comes in handy.
When I cut my friends off it was during Covid when I was young and stupid, but also very depressed. Should they have excluded me and talked about fun things they did without me? Probably not. But I didn't always commit to hanging out a hundred percent of the time either. Neither side was perfect, but I went about it the wrong way.
Problem is, those were pretty much my only friends because of my age at the time, the lockdown, lack of work or education experience, lack of real life experience, and I have no contact with friends from my hometown bc I deleted social media in high school.
So by cutting those folks off I isolated myself for awhile. Now I'm rebuilding my social circle, got social media again, but I recognize my bad habits. I can't take things too personally. I have to speak up if something bothers me. And dropping a metaphorical nuke on my relationships will only cause more problems down the line. I'm finally getting new connections again, but I'm being more careful about not getting too attached and crossing my personal boundaries.
It's better to have distant connections that can be rekindled, or a favor you can call in one day, than no connections at all. I know my situation isn't the same as yours, but I hope this made sense.
This video really struck a cord with me in so many ways.Thank you for your vulnerability.
I’m black and lived in a red state. I know the feeling. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I left a "red" state, and I still feel alone, but less alone than while living in the red state.
I feel this so hard. I grew up in Alberta and have lived in Toronto as well, and I can confirm that there is little to no Black solidarity in both provinces. The level of rejection that Black women experience here even in our OWN spaces is insane. And not to mention the strikes against you if you have the audacity to be Black AND shy/quiet/reserved. Community is something you have to work so much harder to seek here and it really is devastating. I second your thoughts about creating those spaces yourself. An exercise group or book/film club for WOC (anything that meets regularly really) could definitely help create a stronger sense of belonging. Hell, I might start one myself. Here's to leaving loneliness behind in 2024 and finding connection in 2025. Wishing you all the best!
Thanks so much for validating my experiences on this ❤
I'm from Toronto as well and second this.
Your frustration with how people interpret your presence is so relatable. You are not asking for too much. Leave that friend group. Stop interacting with people who don’t even consider you. It’s an awful feeling letting them go but overall it can benefit you in the long run.
absolutely not asking for too much. your piscean instinct is steering you true, and i admire your vulnerability so much X
I'm a southeast Asian woman who grew up in a overwhelmingly white area and have always had difficulty being included, and this video really hits hard, and I'm currently crying, having currently very recently gone through a personal community/friend group blow up situation. This video was very on time ❤
I absolutely feel you, I spent my 20's and most of my 30's dealing with this. In my 40's I'm starting a wellness center, with an amazing Sista, geared toward BIPOC, queer and focused on community events like dance, workshops and spiritual events. I absolutely see you sister. We need you! We absolutely need people like you to call in community.
This sounds amazing, where is it?
Wow I relate to this feeling. I’m from the south and I moved to Cali, but to an area where there is barely anyone that looks like me. If they did look like me they gave off the energy of liking being the token black person. No matter how hard I tried, and how much of a good friend/person I would be, I never really felt community like I did back home.
Girl I wanna hug you, you dropped this Kiera! 👑
As a Black girl living in upstate NY (very white area) who is also 5'10", I feel the emotions you are sharing so deeply. I have often experienced having to make the space for community with other black women even though I NEED the community too! And that inhumanity glamor that gets put on us for having to be protective and competent...whew. You are so not asking for too much. Sending you so many virtual black girl hugs.
Hang in there, babe! Your 20s can be tough, but you’ll figure it out and find your people-it just takes a lot of trial and error.
As a Black American woman living in Vancouver, BC, for the past 16 years (I’m 34 now), I totally understand what you’re talking about. The vibe with people in Canada can be...weird. Folks here are often reserved and just different. But trust me, you will find your people in time. The fact that you’re young is a huge advantage-you can be flexible and move between different groups as you figure out where you fit. If you have the means, I really recommend traveling a lot in your 20s, especially to places that bring you joy. Make international connections (in the U.S., Europe, etc.), so you have people to visit when you need a break from Toronto. It’s important to remember there’s a whole world out there full of people waiting to love on you. I’ve also found a lot of comfort and acceptance in the queer community, so I’d encourage you to explore those spaces and events around town. I’ve made some of my best, most loving friends in queer spaces. Another tip: check out left-focused events at universities in your area. You’re more likely to meet people there who are liberal and open-minded. Lastly, go where the love is! I completely understand wanting loyal Black friends-you will find your group eventually. But in the meantime, lean into the people who are leaning into you, no matter what race they are. Sending you so much love, babygirl! 💓💓💓
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way, thank you for this❤️
@@KieraBreaugh💕💕
God damn what I’d give to give this lady a hug, I’m also struggling dealing with ppl in my friend group too cuz it feels like there’s a wall there with me and I’ve constantly had this trust issue of wanting to be wanted and never feeling the love fr from ppl who wasn’t family
Your honesty is helping people 💗💗💗💔
Thank you so much for speaking to your experience with tokenization and marginalization. You helped me feel less alone ❤
Exclusion=Power
This is incredibly validating! I grew up in predominantly white environments in the PNW. I never “fit-in” growing up. I was often excluded and passively outcasted by my peers. I was also introverted, nerdy and had unpopular interests and hobbies, so it was kind of a double edged sword. I always thought something was innately wrong with me because I struggled to keep and maintain friendships, but when I moved out of state in a more diverse city, I started making friends and finally experienced what it felt like to blend in. I didn’t change much, but my environment sure did! So that was the problem all along.
I had a therapist tell me the PNW was not the place for me. If I did move I don't know where I'd move to...
This video was super touching! One piece of advice I will offer (that you didn't ask for, so you can disregard if it doesn't fit ) but the place where you are born is not always the place you are meant to stay forever. It sounds like America may feel more like "home" than Canada, and thats OK. I left my hometown young and found my "home" in another large city where I fit in much better. Maybe that uncomfortableness you feel is your sign to leave and find peace elsewhere.❤
asian girl from the midwest here, thank you so much for sharing, i relate to this sooo much. as someone about to graduate and move to a new city, i think about this all the time. i’ve felt a feeling of otherness or distance in too many relationships with non poc. something about the interactions always leaves me feeling like something important was missing. it’s always something i’m nervous for in new situations. sometimes i wonder if i’m the problem, holding people at a distance for fear of not being white enough for them but too prideful to ever change myself
Wow this is why I never felt close with white people and never tried hard to be friends with a white person. I can’t be friends with someone that I don’t feel can relate to struggles I think about or deal with everyday as a POC. I want to share my vulnerable stories and struggles and get actual sympathy not pity. I hate that feeling of being ‘othered’ so much. I’m tired of feeling alone. I want a deep connection. I agree I never tried to change myself to fit into any friend group especially a white friend group. It’s so sad how oblivious or comfortable they are with othering non white people. When you are so used to being centered I guess you think it’s normal to treat POC friends as background characters in your life.
@@jannah-g6dit doesn’t help that that’s how the media usually portrays them, and when a POC is the lead, it’s race bending or considered a *name race here* show
Really interesting. I got into a deep dive of loneliness research today so we are on the same page...
What I found was really interesting and I journalled about it...
Loneliness is very harmful to our health. ❤
10:15-10:50
I relate to you when you question your worth because of "tough exterior". In my 31 years i still feel this way. I feel I put so much effort to build relationships that I push people away and feel not good enough. One thing i was able to reflect through coping is realizing I still have the same emotions as i did as a child. (I also work with children) As children we are meant to be guided with these emotions and sometimes these coping habits and insecurities stick with us even into adult years. I hope you will find your inner peace and realize you are worthy of love and love yourself as god made you. ❤
"Be kind to your younger self" is what i live by now. Take care of yourself before trusting others to care for you. You will only be disappointed.
Thank you❤definitely keeping my younger self in mind
My favorite Afro-Trinidadian🇹🇹 chick...you look great!!! ❤
It wasn't an accident having your video randomly suggested to me. I'm a mixed, queer, AuDHD, disabled due to chronic illness in the Midwest and I've always been working in white spaces due to lack of representation. For the last year, I've been feeling iced out by my colleagues, my community, and everywhere else. My social life has died due to being sick, but things have escalated with the height of post-election.
I resonated so, so much with your video, especially with your experiences growing up. Thank you for sharing this, Kiera.
Girlll I want to teleport to you and give you the biggest hug. I have had similar experiences as I think many black women have that have spent/spend most of their lives in predominantly white spaces. Honestly what helps is I tell myself that everyone loves me and wants to be around me. 😂I also make a point to treat others the way I expect to be treated and point out the differences (I’m petty) in how we treat each other. I want them to know what they are losing when I finally disappear and they never hear from me again.
Glad I subscribed this was deep. Lovin the realness homie!
Appreciate the support 🙏🏽
I am so sorry, sweet girl. I wish you so many good future days. I hope you find some people who really know how to hold and appreciate you.
I felt so much of this. First, I'm so sorry that these people who were supposed to be your friends treated you this way. The biggest thing I heard out of this was a lack of empathy for your experience and especially a lack of reciprocity, both of which I feel like are required for meaningful relationships. I've been there and I'm still there some days. I've been conditioned to accommodate others and give them so much consideration (especially white "friends" and partners) until there was a point there was nothing left for me. You are not asking for too much. You are asking for what you absolutely deserve and you deserve so much more. These people don't deserve you. The amount of self-awareness, your vulnerability and your ability to shift perspectives is so powerful and you will attract the right people into your life because of it. People who see your humanity, who listen and understand you and can match your gifts and your energy. It's a slow moving process. Shit, I'm trying to find more of these people myself. But I believe the wait is worth it.
It’s so hard making friends as an adult . Next year I’m hoping to foster more friendships and a sense of community. Sending virtual hugs ❤ You’re not alone
Hi Kiera, thank you so much for opening up. I just want to validate a couple of things: Firstly, all Afro-descended people in the Diaspora are displaced peoples, no matter our origin. Yes, some of us "chose" to come to the West, but was it really a choice when our home countries were ravaged by colonialism, leaving us with such a lack of safety and opportunity that it became difficult for any of us to remain back home? Black Caribbeans also came to the Americas on slave ships, perhaps even your ancestors. So please do not feel separate from the experience of black americans--we are all dealing with the pain of white supremacy in our own way.
I am also a mixed African/Latina/Caribbean woman born and raised in the U.S. and I grew up in a white affluent area, which I moved back to a few years ago. As I write this to you now I am on long-term travels to catch a break from the suffocating whiteness of my hometown. Although I live in one of the most liberal, lesbian-friendly cities in the U.S., it is still extremely isolating and I need to travel just to come up for air.
I've had trouble forming sustainable friendships in my area with white women. Although I have not had the issue of being "left out", I just can't feel close to white women when I feel so starved of my community and they are so damn comfortable swimming in whiteness. It creates an imbalance that they are not even aware of, cannot speak to/comfort me, and it's exhausting. I prioritize connections and friendships with Black Women.
You deserve better in your friendships and I know plenty of black women who refuse to make friends with white folks because it doesn't feel like home to them / or they do not wish to navigate racism in their intimate relationships. Maybe you need a break too and if so, just know that it's okay to take one in whatever way works for you. Either way, it sounds like your white friends are not good friends and you might be playing out old traumas by opting into this dynamic with them.
Sending love and hoping you find peace and the solidarity you deserve 🤎
Thank you so much for this🙏🏽
This is such a wonderful comment, it was helpful to read as a stranger passing through
You are not wrong in any way. I have felt same ways you are feeling. You articulated in such a real raw way what is a very common experience for many black or women of color. I don’t think America was ever the best place for women of color. We were never truly considered human. Many black women do much better abroad for this reason. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction by not accepting people’s half assed efforts and bread crumbs.
First, I want to say I’m sending love and positive energy your way. Second, I know exactly how you feel. I too am a tall black woman and EVERYONE EVERYWHERE is always intimidated and honestly it took some time but IDGAF. It’s a they issue and not ours. I’m super sweet, go out of my to make people feel comfortable and invited. I love to make people feel welcomed and heard. However some people have a way of making you feel like you are not doing enough which in turn makes you feel like not enough and to them I say F YOU. It’s there assumptions and preconceived notions. A burden has been placed upon BW/WOC and it’s hard one but shake it off. You are you, you are smart, tall, beautiful and kind and if those weak misguided people cannot see that or appreciate that then walk away. You deserve more, you deserve to have friends that love you for you. Continue working on yourself and doing the things you want too and going the places you want your tribe will come. As sad as this feels this is a perfect moment to fully focus on you. When you do that the rest will fall in line and the right people will come in to your life. We sensitives can’t just have any random friends that’s not our path we have to have THE RIGHT people around us. So stay strong and put yourself in the rights places to meet the type of friends you want. They’re out there but you may have to open up to going new places and trying new things by yourself. You got this! Okay that’s my mom, you know what, let’s say big sis speech. 💐🍇🥰
Born and raised french/Congolese descent. I totally understand you, and see you ! Like you've said I had enough because I realised they actually didn't care enough whereas because of our environment and position we must be aware very early on in our lives and think always to the maximum for an event and our surroundings to feel at ease and comfortable.
It's not their fault but when point at, like we always do, it's then become a choice and some might want to change and others don't because it is too much to do and ask to a grown full adult...
And just like you've said, the lack of humanity... It's sad...
I understand your anger but I urge you to accept it, only that way you'll live free of their dismissal towards you as a whole person with all the traits of you.
I feel like for a woc, and us black women as somewhat of a curse, it is also a blessing to fully see this aspect of humanity. All you have to do now is to know how to use so that it benefits you...
It is a lonely and hard journey but it looked like it is worth it and people who will wish to be present with you will follow along.
I'm only 27 btw 😘💖
We are probably not of the same ancestry, but I always do see another see black woman as of my community, even when we don't get along and agree...❤
I was THE only brown person in an all primary white upper class Jewish area. Compliments would be so coded like "oh I forget you're not white" etc etc. took me a long time to embrace my race and ethnicity.
Dang this is literally my story here in the US 🥺
I'm white, but I still felt a lot of this: Piscean, only child, bullied growing up in the midwest, feeling isolated, and having a similar nature as a woman. I'm used to handling myself and being a bit self protective, so people don't anticipate my vulnerabilities and sensitivities that I had to hide growing up. Thank you for talking about your experiences and helping me both relate, and empathize with the situations I haven't experienced to better hold that space. I hope your holidays are treating you okay, and I'm glad you're processing your feelings. It matters, and you're worthy of regard and softness.
My emotional rock bottom was when I was surrounded by nothing but white women for more than half of my life and I’m 27 now… still processing it all and trying to slowly let it go to this day.
That internalized misogynoir eats away at the soul. I relate to this heavily 💜
someone not having empathy for you isn’t your fault
I think some people can feel your sincerity and poise and true interest to engage and all the love you have to give and they subconsciously don't feel like they can keep up with your strength and kindness so they keep it superficial and a bit more distant because they can't get to that level of true connection and friendship and don't want to feel bad about themselves.
I'm white but I've also always had that feeling of staying a bit of an outsider everywhere I go and I feel very lonely at times. Right now I'm very selective about who I spend my time with but I always feel like I need to hold back because I'm a very warm person and like to connect but also know where I stand and don't like to not be true to myself just to fit in, because I'm a very easy person to be with for those who want to, I just can't keep running after people who don't and keep getting hurt.
I think some of it is also part of the pain of being a woman and my female friends becoming less connected as soon as they're with a man and suddenly, everyone has their partner's shoulder to lean on and you feel left out lonely.
However, I've really appreciated some friendships with elderly women, it's not the same as going to a club but very precious in a different way. I'm trying to not withdraw and get bitter and focus on the moments I feel connected to people and also on what brings me joy when I'm on my own.
It's so hard to connect to others when you don't know the story of where you came from. 💝 You are not alone. That is such a deeply hurtful experience to be excluded for you what you weren't given, for what was stolen. 😭
I don’t know what to do either 😢 we are all just here thugging this shit out like 😭😭😭 and it’s the hardest of times. there’s a looming threat of violence at all times just because they want to be themselves. So that fact is what keeps me hopeful. Like when I’m in a room full of white people ostracizing me, all I think is “everybody is having a horrible time right now and it’s all because we don’t want to extend the vulnerability of connection to one another.” I get mad at white people, at mixed and black people who reject my community, and other things. And I don’t and can’t excuse the way their actions have hurt me deeply, but I just cope by remembering that everyone is having a horrible time at the moment and acting out from a place of stress and rejection of self. ❤
Its really hard. I feel like its on me to get included and we shouldnt have to always be tasked with that. I'll be ur friend ❤️❤️❤️ love u sis
❤❤❤
I relate to this alot. The difference from being in a pwi space vs a black space is a feeling that really is craved once its gone. I think one thing i really had to tackle this year, concerning letting things that dont serve/ care for me also go, would be summarized by a pintrest quote "you dont win a prize for making things harder". And i resonate with it
I’m sorry that you’re going through this Kiera :(( I can’t say that I know exactly what it’s like because I am a light-skinned hispanic woman, but I know what it’s like to feel outcast at a PWI. The neglect from childhood (I think that’s what you’re describing) hit deeep. I feel like I don’t relate w white people and I don’t relate with hispanic people (a lot of them are misogynistic and racist unfortunately too) :(( thank you for being vulnerable and no you’re not asking for too much imo. We deserve friends who make us feel considered and wanted!
@11:32 if you do a women of color book club in Toronto, I'd definitely come
Or online so us US girlies can join y’all!
It’s DEFINITELY not radical, you’re definitely not asking for too much!!
I’m from MN and I relate to everything you said. I think I’ve become a homebody because there isn’t a real Black community here, rather than I just love being in the house :(
hey girl i'm in toronto and i'd be down for your book club or group chat or whatever. could be a
i'm a Black woman. i relate to being othered in friend groups as the "strong" one or the person who people assume that you'll be fine with the short end of the stick because other people or other things are priority. I've been there where other girls get to be fragile, or feminine, or honest and everyone jumps in to help or listen or be available but when it comes to you it's like oh you've been through worse you'll be fine.
i feel like a dynamic that also adds a struggle for me in toronto / adulting is that i came from a tough love family with a mother that was super controlling which basically translates to me having to be hyper independent to get away from the control but family and friends treating me as hyper independent because i've either proven i can do things alone or i've shown i have the ability to do things alone which makes me out of sight out of mind for those that don't check in. it's a hard load to carry and I know black people have community in Toronto but I don't know where they congregate.
The craziest part is, the people who are white also have that same fear of isolation or rejection. So in response, they are choose-y with what friends they bring where. Even if their white or model minority friends aren’t as good of friends to them as you are. I relate with you so much Kiera, and you are so intelligent and brave and feeling and it’s an injustice that you’re not treated as your worth. Thank you for trusting us with your vulnerability.
I feel for you Kiera and everyone in the comment section ❤️
Please believe, if they don't want you in the club. You don't even want to be there anyway. I'd much rather be alone at least for the time being and find my tribe later
PW Society is very overrated 🤟
being a piscean black woman is one big cosmic joke
AINT THIS THE TRUTH
This may seem harsh, but I’d recommend crying by yourself until you find a safe space to express the fullness of your humanity. Recently I came to the understanding that a lot of people get pleasure out of seeing us down, even going as far as to act like they are being victimized when we are showing any type of emotion.
All this plus lets add in being married to a conventionally attactive wm , good career and attractive PLUSSSSS looking younger than you are. Not only everything said in this video there is a special type of vitrol you get from this experience.
I also lived in the usa and the bw there are so amazing. I love being seen by other bw acknowledging me and also giving back the same love. But where im at in Canada , non existant. Super lonely , and it feels like you are always under attack. Its very chlenging, thank you for speaking up because this isnt talked about at alllll.
I’m a South Asian woman and even though our experiences aren’t the same (I am not Black), theres so many parallels that this video really hit me hard. I moved to Boston in the midst of the pandemic and I’ve been trying to make new friends but nothing seems to be working so well. My almost very white workplaces and places I go to work out/do hobbies have surface level nice people in them but they’re not really interested in getting to know me on a deeper level - i ask people questions and talk them up, but they almost never reciprocate (except for the occasional fetishizer who tries to hook up with me). I’ve been going out to more BIPOC spaces but I haven’t made any actual friends yet, but I will keep trying. Lastly some BIPOC folks I wind up meeting sometimes wind up being the kinds who want to be the only BIPOC in the room, so that’s been weird too. It’s lonely! I hope 2025 brings us new opportunities to build the supportive social circle of our dreams ♥️☀️
OMG! I'm a black girl. I was living downtown Toronto and working in corporate and felt so alone. The isolation is real. I eventually left during the pandemic and came back home to Montreal. Wish we could have connected then. 😭
Thank you
I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and honest about this stuff cuz it’s hard af🩵 thank u for sharing your story, esp when it comes to this topic. Making quality friends can be hard af but this is the exact honesty that helps u find your people✨
i resonate with this video a lot i am also a black biracial woman i went to predominantly black/hispanic school and college was my first experience going to a pwi and experiencing liking like i don’t belong or somehow getting excluded as if i didn’t exist. it’s definitely a different experience because i know it their is always going to be a disconnect to white friend groups compared to poc. at parties we would go to im basically the friend who makes sure everyoe is okay and watches the really drunk friend and gets everyone together at the end of the night . the one night i decided to get drunk for halloweekend i get left behind and they called me telling me they all already left and that the bus to get home was here and to hurry up. no grace no kindness towards me at all just an after thought. i guess i was always overlooked in a way as if i wasn’t there. maybe it’s when i see post of the night that we were all at but some of them post everyone else besides me. i cant tell if i’m blowing out of project but it’s like i’m a fangirl to everyone else.
It's not just you. I'm black and also trans. I never felt solidarity with any group of people. Even before coming out, I was ostracized by other blacks for being too nerdy. The only group that ever seemed to tolerate me were the white kids and then, that just amounted to me being the token black 'friend' who, like you was always conveniently forgotten.
So when I finally started this whole path of self-acceptance do you think I'd find solidarity with trans people? Haha. No.
I continued to experience the very same things you do even to this day. For a while, I thought that was changing with my new group of friends until I made the decision to come out. Well, now I'm not 'one of the guys' and neither am I a real woman to them, so I continue to experience the same thing. The worst part is that not a single one of them is even white.
I clawed my way out of poverty alone with no family or friends to depend on. I guess that makes me a 'strong' person. I honestly hate that word.
It's nothing more than an empty platitude. Our strength is just an excuse in their eyes to treat us poorly. Oh, we're strong so we can handle it right?
I honestly believe it's not you, me, or anyone else who resonates with your message. The harsh fact is that most of the humans on this planet, regardless of their color, simply humanity, and that becomes painfully apparent when they're confronted with someone even slightly different than them.
Hi, Kiera! I'm so sorry you're going through this and unfortunately i relate to everything word for word. Hopefully we can get through this together ❤
I've lived in the south for the last 13 years. I completely understand what you're talking about. I've given up making friends at this point.
I feel this in my soul, my friends are lovely people but I feel like they assume that they all need more comfort than I do. I personally feel like part of is it a me thing bc I’m pretty closed off emotionally, but I still think that easy things like inviting you to things should be an obvious part of a friendship. And it seems like you’re communicating your needs far better than I do, so they shouldn’t have the excuse of assuming or not knowing in my opinion.
Completely identify w/ your feelings. I’m from the U.S., but I’m very multicultural. Overall an Afrolatina.. but never fitting in any circles. I’ve gotten used to the eventual isolation. Hugs.
8:44 🙋
Please don’t feel that way! The best way to heal is to find a guy or friend that totally loves you for who you are
We can count our real friends on one hand. This has nothing to do with race color creed etc!
I grew up in an Italian Neighborhood and was the most popular kid!
The fact is I only have one true friend from that cohort of 10 childhood friends
You need the right friends and right guy.
Take care
So glad you are doing this video...blk people tend to understand being pushed away by white America hence why we tend to pull people in.
I lived in Minnesota for 3.5 years....the longest time i have ever been in such a monoracial place...im from miami. It was a culture shock!!! People are passive aggressive and they are COLD. Its just their way.
Personally, i would decrease how much im paid if it meana i could live in a diverse place. It is easier to build community.
I love the part when you talk about the strong blk woman thing. There is such a lack of softness with blk women. People dont care to think much about us in the way of care.
Of course! You are such a cool and lovely person. You deserve to be cherished in all your friendship! I will be so happy to be friends with you! I have no doubt that you put forth your best effort, and I have heard that your emotions are entirely sincere! Who cares, you are tall and muscular! You are truly beautiful! Ensure that you always go first! Hell no! You are deeply not asking too much! It's important for you to find your soul friend and family because you are a 10. That is it! You are hot ! Stay hot ! Period !
I am a biracial black trans woman who has been openly queer most of my life. I relate to you so deeply in constantly feeling alone. In feelings, in friendship, in life. I was bullied by both friends and their parents for being queer. I would make friends, get close with them, and then find when I went to their houses it would inevitably end with them icing me out. I am a deeply sensitive person and grew up in a very white neighborhood. If it wasn’t my blackness that was the problem, it was definitely my very obvious queerness that made it hard to maintain friendships.
this is too real 💔
Understandable. I don't have even one close friend. Very lonely out here
As a black woman in Arizona, it's very isolating. I have no friends. I have people I interact with, but they are not friends. You're not alone.
I can relate, im mixed, come from the carribean, ive also been to and got family member in trinidad, living in the uk. Feel similar too you sometimes, youre not alone, I relate to like most of what youre saying, ive felt like i dont belong. Same experience dont feel close connection to family, dont have a strong culture background in a sense. I kinda got used to being mostly alone though, there are positive sides, youre self awareness will increase something that only happens when youre alone, and then also youll be more aware of what a true friend is, compared to just a shallow on the surface level friendship. Just look at them as people who didnt invite you, not true friends. Just my opinion. Though by the time ive posted this, you might already feel better. I hope,
Your beautifully
❤
It really isn't you, I've realised doesn't matter how you present yourself other people already have a preconceived notion of you, and who you are in their lives. I think white women tend to be more obsessed with other peoples view of them and who they surround themselves with.
Yeah I agree with your sentiment. It doesn’t matter if she’s bold enough to confront them about their behavior, or is the reserved and quiet black girl, they still wouldn’t efff with her like that. Meaning the problem is them not her. From my experiences I no longer care to teach those who lack humanity how I am humane too.
This is so real actually cause dealing with white people in friendships has taken years off my life, especially since I grew up in predominantly white areas you would think I figured it out but I lowkey never did. Also calling them out in every which way possible other than outright anger, and when I cry it’s scary for them somehow lol. Its also weird cause they had entirely different childhoods so sometimes it feels like I’m parenting them and never need help, except when I do it feels like my friends never showed up for me, but all my friends of color hold me in a way I could never put on paper. It’s irreplaceable and when the universe brings them to you, never let them go. Keep your head up girl
This is me... This has been me for years and as I realize it more and more this devasting loneliness is coming from white spaces. And it's not intentional but when I have had only black people groups I have never experienced this behavior. And you are right it's because the troupe that WOC aren't soft and the exterior is hard and indestructible
Wow. All I have to say is this resonates with me well. Let’s throw the mix in of being neurodivergent while we’re at it…
People just don't have simple etiquette these days, that's all .... Don't dig so deep into it lol
thoughtful consideration is not too much to ask for.
You are beautiful and smart and that’s not going to make this better
I’ve made this mistake as a young white girl, no excuses- but as for the Why - i felt insecure because i didn’t know how to help cross the racial divide
And then i grew up
And became wiser and now i just try to listen
Thank you truly, You may enjoy the book the confident empath. Being an empath was like a really popular thing a little while ago and I was reluctant to identify as one because people around me who I love were Identifying as one and I noticed that they were very un-empathetic and Didn't care about learning emotional intelligence at all. Then recently, after Many signs from the universe I realized I was one and That there are different kinds of empaths, spiritual people, and sensitives. I am not a pisces. The planet that rules your sign Blows a kiss (trines) My sun and mars. I am a very sensitive Gemini Black women. I am pretty isolated right now, My best friend Literally can't give me the same emotional support as I give her because she is stuck in trauma brain. She Doesn't have any motivation to learn emotional intelligence and healing. My kindness and friendship Isn't motivation for her to love herself more. She is nice enough for me to stay in the relationship, We met in middle school and she is white. I'm focused on my own healing and being as grounded as possible so I don't really look for more friends. In fact everyone in my life doesn't really get the the extreme importance of emotional intelligence. Your not asking for to much at all. I realized a long time ago that everyone has wounds but not everyone is willing to be honest about them. It's actually a really strong thing to be authentic and just be yourself at every level of evolving. You are not alone beautiful soul. Thank you for helping me to feel like I'm not alone.
😢🤗♥️
It's not so much about how you look, it's more about what you Believe about You and God's honest Truth is your strength.
I have always been left out of WW spaces although I have went above and beyond to include them in my life. The jealousy I faced and the bogus accusations women have made up about me is insane. You are not harsh. Your LIGHT is what triggers most. I stopped dimming my light. Everyone can do what they want but whenever I want to do something it becomes a problem. Definitely find your tribe because many of us bi-racial women can relate to your lived experience.
her dog is going to TOWN 😂😂🤣🤣
❤❤❤❤❤❤
The oppression Olympics is on 😅😂😂😂
Why i had to leave Florida and moved up north. Pray about it to find your tribe
That’s why when people say, try Europe, I let ‘‘em know I’d love a place where most people look like me. I’m so tired of being asked about my race that I say I don’t know because I was adopted; unless I think they’re not racist or insensitive.
I am one of four black ppl in my entire company. I wfh but when I do have to go in the office or a luncheon, it’s isolating.
Girl! Can we be friends? You pretty much described my childhood, and I think I’ve got a good 20 years on you! I really thought we had collectively moved past all this, but I guess the F not! And the “intimidating” thing. God help us. I’m 5’7” and 130 lbs. Intimidate where? Intimidate how? And yes, I have been that girl, that the other gals giggled and ran away from on a day out. Except the gals were all in our late 20s to mid 30’s. Suffice to say, I left that friend group. Don’t get me started. I need to keep my day job.
Omg.As a black American woman, I'm so sorry.
im a white woman and i know ive lost friends of color because i let them down and couldn't put aside my own fragility to support them through conversations about whiteness and all the ways they were suffering because of it. I cant imagine the feelings of betrayal my friends went through. They and you deserve better friends who can center their whole feelings and not their own white comfort.
your therapist: have you considered getting new friends?
sounds like the age old phrase: Why are you single? Don't you go on dates?
what's the pool look like and how do we meet the people who aren't bs
that's what's harder to do lately for friends and everything else.
4:51 I know you didn’t want to talk about it further in the video but what you just described was a definitely a Black girl’s experience. The triangulation that we experience multiple times in our lives is insane. Side-note: I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this pain, I have felt how you felt before and you aren’t crazy for feeling being hurt by this. I don’t know you but I am confident that you are often a safe place for your friends, that makes the situation more egregious.
Not to scare you, but there is a chance you won't fit in anywhere. Being neurodivergent and a sometimes insecure, outspoken, leader (when needed) will always place you on the outside. People operate like a beehive. There is a hierarchy and it shouldn't be broken. The leaders main job is to pretend they have it all together. If you are not a leader then you need to stand down and never usurp attention or fail to be deferential to the leader. Most importantly, if you see something, you don't say something. I don't think that's your vibe. Advice:
Take your adhd meds, consistently, for the rest of your life. You will find you dont meed friends like you think you do. You don't need them or anyone. Also, you may probably are autistic. 😂 I am just now listening to you describe your methodical honesty when you read you bullet point list. I also laugh because I hope you are taking this as good news. Finally, they are all treacherous. But.so are you. You commit treason everytime you speak your mind. People HATE to be honest. They will never tell you the truth. And you probably offended them in 1000 ways because you don't operate by norms or social rules. Good news, though. It's not only because you are black. If you were sufficiently beneath them as a black girls, they would be only too willing to adopt you. I am listening to you and I hope you will help someone like I am trying to help you. If you are marriage minded, get married and start a family. You will pop out weirdos like Gizmo in water. Everything will make sense then. Good luck, your friendly, also 5'10 light skinnededed weirdo with few (and mostly related) true friends. ❤
Those are not friends babe the fact that they didn’t even take the time out to send a text being like hey, girl we’re going to such and such shows that they didn’t want you there. I hope that you eventually can find friends that want to spend time with you
Abraham Hicks on TH-cam, Sensus Fidelium on TH-cam
I’m black girl from London and I totally agree you. I’ve tried using apps to befriend other black girls but it’s superficial, they only want to talk about men, or be in competition with you, and they won’t bother reaching out unless I do. It got exhausting so I stopped reaching out. I cry too because I lack deep friendships/ relationships.