This week we have two autistic boyfriends in trouble for two very different reasons 😂 Let me know your verdicts in the comments! If you missed the last AITA video, it was an intense one. A user took it upon themselves to THROW AWAY their wife’s squishmallows 👀: th-cam.com/video/EdByHssKrgA/w-d-xo.html I have a new Patreon too! You can get 2 exclusive videos a month and access to the Discord server, even on the lowest tier: www.patreon.com/imautisticnowwhat For those on the 2nd tier and up, I’ve posted a 2-hour podcast episode with my husband about out ‘anti-social’ wedding, this week 👰🏻♀ And also a HUGE thanks to those of you who enjoy what I do here on TH-cam. I’m having so much fun and every time I try to plan one video, I end up with ideas for about 7 more. I obviously wouldn’t be able to do this if no one was watching, and I appreciate you so very much. Any requests, always feel free to let me know 🥰
I'm glad to hear it's "tickling your creative bone" and you're having fun with it!! ❤😊 I very much enjoy your videos, as I find much of what you talk about relatable❣️😍
The second BF... What he needs is empathy and understanding that he is autistic and that he has little control over these manifestations. GF cannot change him, she must accept him for what he is and let him be, or reduce her involvement in his life. Perhaps, without offering much of a reason beyond, "I might feel better ..." suggest leaving five minutes earlier. He's likely, I think, to accept that suggestion, but only if there is no blame attached. Or early enough most days that you can walk. Unwired. It's good exercise.
I never had this problem, with any of the gfs. I've had over the years. Including the first one. They seemed quite willing to show me. What made them feel good. When asked
I think a lot of people gravely underestimate how ridiculous and awkward sex can be! It's so often portrayed like it's a totally serious thing, where everyone always knows what they're doing.
It's serious for me. When I have sex, I look at my girlfriend in the eyes the whole time with a completely deadpan expression. (jk I've never had sex.)
My ex-bf had an issue with processing sex. I understand how neurological processing is different from my processing. But I'm unsure if my experience is common or not average from within the neurodivergent community, but his pron addiction really hurt our intimacy and joy from sex.
@@ChangedWindsI can relate abit, me and my fiance are both autistic and on the ace spectrum and I have slow processing at times and they have texture issues with wrinkly skin so there's alot of times where we both just can't do it or enjoy it so we usually just end up cuddling and or doing different activities together but intimately. Ik this might not help the physical issue but maybe you can try things like having sex in the dark so you don't have to process all the visuals around you or even things like ERP, where u can both like text each other and roleplay fantasies together, I heard a lot of times that's helped ppl bridge a tension gap when it comes to sex. Srry if my advice wasn't helpful, I wish u luck.
I’m autistic and have OCD. I struggled so severely with getting dressed that my therapist and I came up with a solution. I spent time taking photos of myself wearing almost every possible outfit combination from my own closet. Now, when overwhelm builds, I flip through a well organised « catalogue » of my own outfits, instead of trying them all on and throwing everything on the floor or the bed chaotically before leaving. It’s been a real game changer!
That's so smart! I might have to try this because I struggle with the same thing (plus I have fibromyalgia so it'd save me a lot of energy and pain to not have to individually try on everything I own every time I get dressed)
I think proper sex education and not treating sex like a mythological special thing that must be perfect would benefit people greatly. Sex is messy, clumsy, sometimes body parts make weird funny noises, it's vulnerable, and sometimes silly. If people could acknowledge that instead of building up this massive self pressure to preform perfectly, I think they'd have healthier sex lives.
True. If you need to communicate tohave a healthy relationship in other ways, how much more do you need it in the bedroom? Sex is only partially instinct. Much more is learned.
@@ChristianCatboy If it makes anyone feel better, if I may comment, that logically, there cannot be a "hell" (a place where God doesn't exist, and only eternal pain and suffering are doled out to evil doers by a master demon.) Why? Because, for believers, if God is this omniscient/omnipresent being, then where in it's "allness" can hell be? As well, if you were a God, would you really want to throw away your worshipers? Imagine how cool of a God you'd be if you could forgive the wrongdoing, and rehabilitate your little darlings, the human mortals (or any mortal for that matter), by giving them a chance? So ignore the religious fanatics or just tell them this logic bomb. If they question it, then, "is God not Love?" Because It is, and what does Love do, it forgives, and has tolerance and patience and all those other fruits of the spirit. An infinite being, that knows and is everything, cannot be anything good at all, unless it is completely made of Love. Any of the "God hates XYZ" stuff (insert something religious fanatics believe that God hates in XYZ), cannot be true when God is Love. Whatever the hate is, it's not real, and doesn't register, nor fit in it's whole. That's why all the crud is here. because this is a holodeck and we get to play in it. It kinda stinks, and it's up to us to stop making it stink. When it doesn't stink here on Planet Dirt, then we'll get a prize. For reals. Peace!
Even as an autistic person, just like I would expect my partner to respect my sensitivities even if sometimes they have to make changes or temporarily repress their urges, I can't be mad at them for asking me to make changes or temporarily repress my urges. While making changes can be difficult or even impossible as an autistic person, there's a world of difference between having tried and failed versus dismissing any suggestions without consideration or alternatives. Relationships go both ways and putting all the effort of compromise on one person is expecting to be infantilized. I've had times where I've had to repress my stims to respect another autist's sensibilities. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. If this happens all the time including one's private time, then they really shouldn't be together. That's not to say that the OP of the second story is or isn't the the a-hole, I don't think we have enough context. I just don't think it's fair to demonize them as completely ignorant in what could be an overwhelmingly one sided relationship. It does sound rather incompatible though.
I'm autistic and have Adhd and am often time blind but at the same time, hate to be late. So all collide together in a big stressful mess. I do believe that just saying "I'm autistic there is nothing I can do about it" also is not correct, he's autistic, but he can try to accommodate her needs, she likes to be on a certain time, as much he needs to try several outfits, they should both try to meet each other needs in a mid term, both should be willing to at least try, being autistic does not mean that you can never, at least, try to adapt to the ones you love. He says things like that is like saying that all loud places should put the music off just because he enters the room.. He can chose not to go, choose to put hear plugs, can try and ask if it's possible to lower the volume, but he can't juts force others to just always be the ones acomudating him.
Honestly I'd agree if the problem was actually a severe issue. But it really isn't. She just would like to be early instead of being on time. Okay? Like... so what if you aren't early sometimes, you will live. I get it can be annoying, but expecting someone to accomdate you by somehow fixing a part of their disorder on the spot because of a small inconvenience. It isn't the same as compromising with a friend, autistic people should be allowed to unmask around their partners. We shouldn't have to suppress our stims or change our routine because it's slightly annoying to our partners. She's describing a non issue. She arrives on time. Maybe she can schedule the Uber later? Maybe she can go by herself? It's silly to me that autistic people have to be the only ones who accomdate others. Maybe just get over the small inconvenience. I get that he could try, but the effort that goes into finding a solution for a non problem could be much more than the effort it would take for her to just wake up a little earlier, go by herself, or have the Uber come earlier. Solving this kind of issue can be close to if not impossible, and it takes little effort for someone to accept their partner is autistic
@paulacruz6239 i feel like It takes significantly less effort for her to just get over it. These aren't the same kinds of needs I'm sorry. we don't know what his level of support needs are, or why he does this. He might have meltdowns if he doesn't spend time getting ready, or do what he needs to do for his routine. Meanwhile if she goes to work slightly later than she wants to, well... all that happens is she's going to be a little annoyed. She never said why she needs to be early. I get it might be nice, but we don't have any reason to believe it is seriously impacting her in any way. All she says is that its really annoying. Sorry but that's not a need, thats a preference. Expecting autistic people to accomdate nerotypical people when it's significantly harder to do than the other party is a false equivalence. It's not far that he has to do a lot of work to basically mask his autism at home just because it annoys her a little. People are just so uncomfortable when you dare suggestion that alistic people also have to accomdate us. She never suggested compromise, she just said he has to fix a non issue for her comfort. How is that fair? It simply isn't. Autistic people are autistic, and just because you are able to accomdate people, doesn't mean someone else is.
Regarding the first story - I don’t think he’s the “AH” because we autistics can have sudden strong emotional swings, and feeling you have failed in such a sensitive matter can be distressing and walking out may just be the need to get away from the situation. It can feel panicky. I have had a meltdown in a delicate situation (not the same one!)
Tbh I think even an NT person could react similarly. There's a lot of high expectations with sex and first times, and then he hears "sheesh ok"... Yeah, that surely wouldn't feel great for anyone and it can be a complete turn off.
If that was how it went down, I’d agree, but it kinda seems like he suddenly snapped at her for not already knowing to give him specific instructions (and know exactly what instructions to give, for that matter). I don’t love that.
He's the AH, he acted like a selfish insecure child and took it out on her, how do you think that made the girl feel? being autistic is not an excuse, why should anyone be in a relationship with an adult that behaves like that? At no point does he consider her feelings whatsoever while expecting her to cater to him entirely.
Lovely video as always, the timing of the starfish stock footage sent me! For the second story, I feel like it would be easy enough to make a rule "no outfit changes after the ride is ordered" and the partner could say "okay, I'm about to order the Uber, are you ready?" I feel like his mentality is "I have until the car pulls up to get ready" When hers is "I have until I call the ride to get ready". That way he can still find the "right outfit" and she can be on time.
That likely will not work if he struggles with demand avoidance, unfortunately. Ultimately, they need to have a conversation or two and try to work _together_ to find a solution that works for both of them
I was thinking that they can just get ready earlier so he has time to change outfits. But if the need to change happens while the car is on the way, like a last minute "this really isn't it," anxiety or something, I wonder. That's why they need to figure it out without making judgements, assumptions and excuses. Autistic people are weird but we have reasons why we do things, it makes sense with the logic in one's own head.
One other thing, if sex often becomes awkward and ends in an emotional flare up, just focus on foreplay for a longer time more often and get used to doing sexual things that aren't directly having sex. It really does help you get to know each other as partners and get more comfortable with each others bodies and needs
i'd love to see a video about the topic of autism and sex. I think the correlation between asexuality and/or hypersexuality and autism is really interesting. I'm still exploring my sexuality, but i know i fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I also know many autistic people who are hypersexual, and sometimes even both (which is possible. I know some people get confused, but being asexual doesn't mean a complete lack of sexual desire, it just means a lack of attraction, which is different. I still feel sexual desires, but just don't have the attraction part. I've never been attracted to someone in a sexual way (not that i can discern anyway, sometimes its hard to tell what type of attraction it is lol) so it is possible for someone to be asexual and also hypersexual.)
This this this this! I've been out as one kind of queer or another since I was 16, but I'm only just recently coming to understand that I'm also somewhere on the ace spectrum. It was hard to realize that bc I experience sexual urges and desires, but I've never in my life looked at a person (real or fictional, flesh and blood or animated, personally known or in the media) and thought, "I want to do sexual things with that person." I've never been "attracted" to a person in a sexual way even though I'm perfectly capable of recognizing why someone else would be.
I feel like I am hypersexual without having had much sex at all. And I am only turned on by being 100% dominant which is such a drag when you basically can't even decide what to wear most days, is high-masking and a people pleaser. So my fantasy life is huge. Because irl, it is so hard just being with people let alone having sex with them.
@@anne-zh2kdi was like this my entire life until getting medication for a chronic pain condition. When the doctor changes my meds she wants to remove the one thats supressing my desire. I need to make sure she keeps me on a low dosage. I dont want sexual desires. Thats the only reason that ever made me try to get into a relationship. And relationships messed me up psychologically. Im done with that.
I bet what's really happening with the guy who keeps being late for the uber is that their leaving time is simply too early for him. Personally I found that morning is my biggest obstacle. It is so hard to go from the bed where I am comfortable and safe into the chaotic beeping, smelly, human filled world that forcing myself to go too quickly when I had an 8am start time, invariably caused a meltdown. Every day, getting up exhausted me and destroyed my day. Now I work with a start time in the after noon. I don't have an alarm. I get up when I naturally wake up. I lay in bed appreciating it. I repeat affirmations. I pet my cats. I let everything be soft and gentle. Then eventually when I want to, because I have to pee or eat, I get up. No more meltdowns. No more losing jobs and hating every waking moment.
yeah, honestly so many things start way too early. this is a common thing for all teenagers, but school starts super early and doesn’t fit the sleep schedule thats natural and common in teens. this also goes for adults too, some people are night owls and prefer to wake up later, some people just cant stand mornings and need time to wake up properly. the modern world has these set expectations of EVERYONE to be “healthy” and “proactive” at the “healthy and good” hours, which usually are too early and make people have worse sleep
@@cloud5544 I agree, although probably the pre-modern world - as in, before electricity - was even more rigid about waking up early, since everything had to be done during daylight. I even bet we have our ideas about "proper" wake up times as legacies of this daylight only life.
@@eliannafreely5725 yeah, i just mean that everything is structured around a schedule we dont need to have or should have. of course there are exceptions with some jobs, but some stuff can be better too
Before our wedding, I made it clear to my wife that if she tried to change me, there would be trouble. It was conventional wisdom at the time, and I had no idea that I am autistic, or even what autism is. It worked out well, though, she did her things, I did mine, and together we did our things. Our 50th wedding anniversary is in about six weeks.
I'm a very open & communicative person with those i've had relationships with. The first few times having sex, i feel like there needs to be a very open, honest dialogue & lots of direct feedback. Everyone is different. Seem like a lot of partners don't like this, it turns them off, gets them out of the mood or makes them uncomfortable. To me, it adds to it; look at how well we are communicating our needs & wants; plus points achieved in the relationship status; extra happy vibes!! Communication in sex for me has become a huge tell as to whether the communication in the relationship as a whole is going to be functioning well.
Yeah typically if someone isn't willing to communicate their desires to you directly they're not going to be a great choice for a sexual partner. It can feel like those people expect you to read their minds. Not communicating is a huge turn off and red flag for me
I've never understood how discussing sex supposedly "ruins the mood", seems like it could make it even more fun. How nice it could be to have direct advice and receive enthusiastic approval 😄
Honestly I'd feel way too uncomfortable if I *didn't* have clear and open communication with a partner in bed, like how am I supposed to know what they like or whether I'm doing something that makes them uncomfortable? I'd be too anxious to do anything at all if I didn't know they'd feel comfortable telling me how they're feeling and updating me if anything changes, the moment it changes. Also isn't it nicer to know for sure if you're doing something the other person likes, rather than just kinda...guessing?
I'm autistic and sometimes when I'm in sexual situations with my partner, my brain gets completely overwhelmed with all the sensual stimuli and kind of shuts off, which makes communicating.. let's say rather difficult 😅 BUT, I will always (at least TRY to) talk about it afterwards, plus I've found that it happens way less when we take things a bit slower, so that I can get used to every sensation as we go. Absolutely agree that communication is key! ❤
I don't have ADHD but I also like that. I mean I like those if they have a point or enhance a joke or something, otherwise I'd rather just have the person talking so I can understand easily what they're saying.
i cant fucking stand when videos are over edited, i used to exclusively watch live streams becuase of that. recently i tried watching modern lets plays and mr beast. so many cuts, sound effects, and effects. it was actually nauseating
I've been married 19 years and STILL feel like "what does she want?" Feedback of some sort would be great, but that is probably not normal? I mean, you nailed it with a simple "communication." Boom, done.
I lost my OCD diagnosis between psychiatrists (should probably fix that) but the way you described that feeling of dread when something isn't "just right" is so on point. The degree to which I let this control my actions is honestly embarrassing and feels like it's turning into a delusion sometimes.
I did not realise this sort of thing was OCD. It’s exactly how I am. I would always get annoyed with myself for it and thought it was just me being overly fussy, but it really is a thing with me.
The last story I think the posting partner could benefit to ask the autistic partner what they can do to help them meet the 745 departure time better. Like, do you need help getting something together, do you need an earlier alarm to give yourself time to change outfits, do you need a different breakfast that can be taken on the go to save time, etc. Sometimes just offering to help reduce the amount of other things in the routine can help to fix a routine, then add things back in as time goes on. Slowly create the habits one at a time so they can get used to the timeline you need.
My favorite sex advice for autistic people is just try to make it fun. You're right it's not supposed to be serious the entire time. It can be for a period or occasionally but most of the time it should be fun and you should try to make your partner smile and laugh, just to ease any kind of awkward feelings or anxiety. Don't focus so much on performance or what you're doing wrong, focus on what seems to be well received. In my experience it's quite easy to transition from jokey laughy time to sexy time very fast, a more light tone to a more hot nd heavy tone, it just makes things flow better. Focus on learning what your partner wants or likes with open communication beforehand and during compared to requiring them to guide you. Sex is called adult playtime for a reason; also it's 100% okay if one or both parties don't finish, it doesn't mean you failed. I've been in both situations, defensive, embarrassed, extremely frustrated during and after sex as well as having awesome sex, with the same partner.
19:57 "but he is an autistic person and you can't make him neurotypical by berating him about it." ^^^ THIS!!! SO many people really need to understand this. Unfortunately, so many people also refuse to understand this...
I wonder where he got the idea that being directed during sex is an average thing. Most people lack the self-esteem to do that. That's something you need to ask for if you need, whether you're autistic or not.
Making mistakes. Am I the only one who started out clumbsy and uncoordinated? Go for the kiss but clock foreheads together, having no idea how much pressure is good here or there, literally falling off the bed. Watching professionals is absolutely going to change his expectations of his own performance. Since we're so afraid of sex, talking about sex, and sex education, of course he doesn't know that being clumbsy, making mistakes, and not knowing what you're doing is normal. It's the same as any skill. You're not Lebron James the first time you pick up a basketball either.
So, I am 30 yo virgin. I think that having a first time exploring whatever you want (as far as the other person is ok with it) is totally fine. Otherwise you don't learn what you like, but what society tells you to do (again, me virgin so I might be wrong). On the other hand, if you feel frustrated, don't blame her... Say "hey, this is new to me and I am confused/self conscious. Could you guide me a little?"
I would love to see more videos on sex and autism. Sex is something that i really struggle with and theres hardly any information out there, hardly any conversation out there that goes over it, its a taboo topic but its important and has been a major catalyst in my life and been something that destroys my confidence, and something that i have major trauma from. I really wish more people would open this topic up to discussion.
About changing clothes 2-3 times, I wonder if it could be a sensory issue. When studying or working, I would always set out an outfit for the next morning because I found it difficult to choose in the morning and didn’t want to be late. Sometimes though I would put it on and, even if I had worn the same outfit many times, for some reason that morning it felt awful and I had to find something else
I was thinking the same thing. Like the majority of my morning routine is done sitting down or with minimal walking around. Most of my movement happens in the last few minutes before I walk out the door. There have been times I got to that point and realized the socks I was wearing made me feel like I was walking on pins and needles or I realized my shirt felt too tight when I went to put on my jacket. Sometimes you think the sensory discomfort is managable until youre about to walk out the door.
I remember damaging many relationships by asking my partner, "what are you thinking?" too often because I wasn't sure if I was picking up on the social cues.
I had my initial assessment appointment this week for autism. I was dreading what odd criteria they’d be using. Fortunately I, a middle aged woman, wasn’t expected to be a five year old boy. Instead I was asked questions such as, do I like to find out information about a subject and categorise it. And I’m like…dude, I work in museums . And the doctor is ‘oh how interesting (yawn) what sort of museum’. And I’m honestly able to reply, science, technology, and at the moment mostly dinosaurs…….. so that’s that stage of assessment passed……on to the next bit of the waiting list……. I couldn’t have given better proof of what she was asking if I’d planned it.
Regarding the first story, I feel the need to add that there can be a hypersensitivity and fear to the possibility of transgressing unspoken or ambiguous boundaries around sex. Being directed might be a way for him to not only know what she wants, but to know he isn't doing something that she doesn't want. It can be very, very scary when you don't necessarily trust your minute to minute judgment of another's state to trust you're reading them well enough to not violate some line that would be more obvious after the fact. And the anxiety on that on top of everything can be oppressive.
Pt 2 reminds me so much of my first marriage! When I was first diagnosed with Asperger's my wife would love to tell everyone. It was part of my identity. Yet every Autistic thing I did pissed her off. It felt like it pissed her off even more now that we knew why I did it rather than acknowledging that it was part of my diagnosis. I could be Autistic for clout and sympathy, but not _actually_ be or act Autistic. This is why, even some 17 years later that I'm just now working on unmasking. It may just be triggering some abuse trauma but I don't think this woman has a clue what Autism is. It is absolutely unreasonable to demand he not be Autistic about his clothes or whatever. The fact he can hold down a job is already beating the odds! I honestly hope she leaves rather than cause more harm through abuse.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I hope bit by bit you learn how to unmask in a way most comfortable for you. I also really hope you have some more supportive people around you these days, people who see your autism as a part of your identity and not something to be used as a tool when convenient for them. I'm still learning to unmask - I've been masking for so long that it's difficult to figure out where to even begin. I also agree that it's unreasonable to expect someone to just stop being autistic when it inconveniences you, which is what it sounds like the partner in the second story wants from their boyfriend. Hope you're doing well!
Yeah that story triggered some abuse trauma for me too. I had no idea I was autistic, so I would try to explain to my loved ones that something was wrong with my brain that made these things harder for me and the response was always "I know what the problem is! You're LAZY! You don't care about the people around you and how much we're hurting because you are too lazy to put in the bare minimum amount of effort." The second OP said their autistic boyfriend was not even trying, my blood was boiling. It hurts so much being gaslit over and over and having the people around you try to convince you that you are lazy and uncwring when you're actually crying yourself to sleep because you're so fatigued from trying to make the people around you happy unsuccessfully.
@@LilChuunosukeI feel you so much. We literally put our own mental health on hold for these people and go WAY over what we are comfortable with, and that shit is STILL not enough for them.
My take on the first guy: not the a-hole. He doesn't have an attitude problem-but it sounds like he has a strategy problem, and his suboptimal choice of strategies will result in people around him being upset, and like this could be avoided if he communicated what was on his mind in a different way. Proof that he doesn't have an attitude problem: he's so worried he may have unintentionally hurt someone that he reveals his potential mistakes for the entire internet to judge, in the hope of learning something and reducing the amount of accidental hurt going forwards. I suspect people who call him the a-hole overestimate how much he understands about the impact of his actions on the feelings of others, and draw false inferences about his intentions. I was struck by the comment saying "[YTA: you made her feel inadequate in her most vulnerable moment]". Did this commenter think that maybe (s)he was making OP feel inadequate about his social and relationship skills, in his most vulnerable AITA moment?
I have to admit, its hard for me to give a calm, rational, logical opinion on story 2. I spent my entire life being told that my best was not good enough. That I was lying when I said I was trying my hardest. That everything I was struggling with was easy and that I was lying about putting an effort in because I didn't turn my attempts to grow into some grande performance so they could see me struggling and deem my attempt genuine. I have suffered with severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues all my life from people accusing me of not wanting to hear them out or not wanting to put an effort in, much as this OP accused their boyfriend of doing. To me, this lanaguage is not only uneducated, but ableist. My disability is not a performance for you to judge. You don't get to accuse me of not putting an effort into making my disability less of a burden for others because you arent getting the results you wanted. I'd even go as far as saying it is unintentional gaslighting to try to convince your disabled partner, who is putting their best effort into making you more comfortable, that if they think they are actually trying to do better, they must be lying to themselves because they've actually done nothing. This accusation can be deeply upsetting and triggering for many traumatized autistics who grew up being told that their disabilities made them burdensome and that they weren't trying hard enough to lessen the pain of the people around them. I honestly think OP and their boyfriend are incompatible. If you accuse a disabled person of not trying because they made you sit alone in an idle uber for LESS THAN 5 MINUTES (as someone who also ubers to work, they arent allowed to wait for you any longer than that), then OP needs to find someone whose brain works more like their own.
About that second post, being expected to stick to someone else’s schedule can be a huge PDA trigger. And even beyond the “be ready at 7:45” thing, if he’s ask to change the morning routine he’s used his whole life, of course that’s going to cause problems.
A few years ago, I did the dirty with my parnter, who was 35, virgin, and neurodivergent. Well, we tried, he was so nervous he couldnt get it up enough to get it in. He got embarassed and put his pants back on, and i cuddled him the rest of the night saying i didnt mind. Eventually he got over the nervousness and the next day was able to get things going. He said if i hadnt have been as patient, he probably would have broken up with me out of embarassment. Patience is a virtue :)
I think if he really wanted direction he should have told his girlfriend that he wants help. You cant just assume she is going to say something when maybe she thinks itll be easier for you if you don't have any expectations? Like, she may have been nervous as well
honestly, I disagree with "low support needs". as a high masker, just because i can be perceived as NT, doesn't mean the complete lack of support isn't INSANELY debilitating, like i'm gonna die sad and alone and if i outlive my mom, my body won't be found for weeks.
Lower support needs might be a better way to phrase it. But either way, it still implies that there are support needs there 😊 I can see why it could be perceived as dismissive, though.
Personally, I think "high masking" and "low support needs" can exist separately. You can be high masking with high (or medium I guess) support needs as well. When people say "high functioning autistic" they usually mean someone high masking, someone with low support needs, or both. That's how I like to look at it at least.
I would consider myself High Masking and Moderate Support Needs because I rely on my parents like it seems you do also. Masking and Support Needs are two different parts of being autistic.
As a Domme who is unexperienced I definitely get that feeling when there is NO communication. I need him to communicate what he likes, not just lay there like a dead body. I mean, could you just go " yes, I like it", " there is nice" " That feels good." Just because you are the submissive partner doesn't mean you just get to lie there like a lump. You get so in your head and you want to know that he likes it. I meqn, I am literally penetrating him. That is very vulnerable and I NEED to know that he likes. But sometimes there is no communication at all. No moaning, no " yes" no nothing. Just because you are on the recieving end doesn't mean you get to just lie there without some reassurance. Just a " yes, there" means the friggin world.
I struggle with this. At what point do we, as autistics, take responsibility for meeting others half way, and when do our autistic traits really become a legitimate excuse? Those in our lives have needs that need to be considered just as much as ours. Yes we think differently and have struggles in areas that others would consider "minor" or "inconsequential". However, using autism as an excuse to never *try* to meet the needs of others too, is akin to saying we have no personal autonomy. I can't say what the case is with this particular story, but I know we need to have personal accountability where we can as well.
@@JankoWalski-hz3lu it's important to remember that we do. I understand the feeling, but thinking we have no control whatsoever will lead us to more declined mental states. I'm saying this from a place of compassion and love as a fellow autistic. We need to be kind to ourselves where we truly struggle, but we need to feel power and reassurance in knowing we do have power and control in some areas of our lives. This isn't just compassionate to us, but also to those around us who love us because they deserve consideration too.
@@NeurodiverJENNtI think most autistics, especially those of us that are high-masking do this to the detriment of our own mental health. I think this is a toxic mindset, because we already punish ourselves so harshly for our failure. Asking for accommodation for things that are HUGE issues for us, but minor inconveniences for others is needed. We already accommodate neurotypical people in every single aspect of our lives already. We mask, we push through immense discomfort, pain, anxiety, we literally have to push t our flight response every single time we interact with neurotypical people that aren't close to us. We are already killing ourselves trying to live up to neurotypical standards. Sometimes we need to set a boundary
@@anne-zh2kd I totally agree with you. As high making individuals, we can absolutely punish ourselves for not fitting in a neurotypical box, or living up to their standards. We do bend over trying to please others, and give until our cups are empty. After my diagnosis I was finally able to start setting some boundaries, say no to things more often, and take better care of my physical and mental well-being. I was able to realize I wasn't a crap human being. I wasn't a bad Neurotypical I was a perfectly fine neurodivergent person. I masked to the point of depression and self hatred almost. Honestly, you hit many nails on the head. It CAN be a toxic mind set to try to bend over for NTs and not set boundaries. It can harm our mental health because we will never be neurotypicals. What I'm saying is the extreme on the other end. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage or mistreat others on the neurodivergent side as well. I'm in a lot of Facebook groups where I see abuse happening and it being excused under neurodivergence, which gives us a bad name. Bad human behavior can happen on both sides and at the end of the day we have to abide by our own conscience to navigate that SUPER thin line of self responsibility and setting boundaries.
@@NeurodiverJENNtOkay. I guess I may have misunderstood. My autistic ADHD ass does that. I guess it hit me so hard because I do that thing where I just go " f my boundaries let's go help" way to much. But I can't work. I cannot hold down a job, so I am always made to feel like a leech by society. But yeah, of course you need to be kind as far as you are able. I must admit I have seen some ( mostly male, white and young) autistic people being casually homophobic and even using the n-word and not feeling like I could speak up. I guess I put my own mindset, which is " your needs are secondary " ( something I'm working on) into it.
Second post is so relatable to me. But from a BF perspective. I have a hard time waking up in the morning, that i need my cup of tea, than i spend a lot of time doing makeup. So yeah, if me and my partner need to go somewhere, i am often slowing us down. But my bf is very accepting of this and we learned to deal with it. But i think, sometimes the best solution, is to get ready and leave the house separately. They're routines maybe just too different. And it's not a bad thing! Yeah, it can be more expensive (two uberz instead of one), but at least they're not gonna stress each other. She can leave early to work, he can get ready in his own way and pace.
I fully get always leaving things until the last minute, and that part can be really difficult to fix, at least permanently. Something that could be fixed however is what time the partner needs to be at work. If they've now given a time that actually feels too late for them, and they'd like to have an extra ten minutes at work before they officially have to start, then that becomes the new time to be there. The autistic partner's difficulty in getting ready is going to be just as difficult, but maybe it helps his partner knowing they're not about to be late from their preferred time. If the autistic boyfriend doesn't take the new time seriously, that's a different problem of course. I've struggled with similar timing problems my whole life, and will always use just as much time as I have. I'm very rarely late, but often push things until the last minute. My dad's even worse, since he'll calculate some casual speeding into his travel times and clearly somehow assumes there won't be other drivers or road works slowing him down etc. When I was still young and living with my parents I'd sometimes drive him to the airport when he was going for a work trip, and I learned pretty soon to give him an absolute deadline for when we needed to be out of the door if he wanted me to help him. It was just way too stressful to be in the car when he had left it last minute to catch a plane. Even if he was driving and I'd only tag along to drive the car back I still hated it and didn't feel safe. So I gave him the options to be out by the time I gave, take a taxi, or drive himself and pay for airport parking until he got back. After that he managed my deadline every time, but only just. For me that was enough, since the time I gave was enough to drive safely and get there a bit before he needed to.
I relate to the second guy. I don't usually change my outfits multiple times before work but I do feel anxious if I'm wearing the "wrong" thing, I used to be very anxious about wearing inapropirate clothes for work while being concious of not wearing the same piece of clothing too often, espescially since it was my first office job. The thing that helped me is having a 'uniform' for example I have bought multiple of the same type of shirt in different colours. I would also have a schedule so for example mondays, wednesdays and fridays I would wear a skirt and tuesdays and thursdays I would wear jeans and a shirt. With the skateboard she 100% just needs to get over that lol. You can't be policing your partner's behaviour all the time, if she's embarrased at how her partner acts then maybe it's not a good fit. I feel like people can feel like they have more authority to tell / teach people how to act if they are autistic. As if natural autistic needs to be fixed and you can do that by just enforcing behaviour. There are quite a few times when I know 'how' to act, I just can't / don't for a lot of different reasons.
And I also got crap from school for being late as a kid, but often it wasn't my fault, it was my parents and my dysfunctional family. Not sure why teachers and schools attack kids for lateness when they know the kids aren't driving themselves to school? Different I guess if you're walking or as I was fairly young getting a coach, if I missed the coach I guess that might be my fault, but often it was just as much my Dad was late.
Your content has helped me to understand myself so much better and I'm so grateful! I got my diagnosis when I was 13 (I'm 27 now) but I haven't really had access to much assistance or information from professionals, so I've been doing a lot of research by myself. It's honestly so helpful to hear directly from other autistic people, especially because you're so kind and your videos are so fun to watch! Also reading the comments on your channel has shown me so many thoughtful, interesting and lovely people with similar experiences to me and I've learned a lot of helpful tips! So thank you for building such a wonderful community 😊
On the first story .. personally I think it's one of those things like learning to ride a bike or to swim etc. While yea, 'directions' (communication) is important, there's also a significant part that simply cannot be conveyed by talking, but you gotta figure it out by trying, and making mistakes along the way. Like, no amount of detailed instructions taught me, could have taught me, how to ride a bike or what it exactly is I have to do to keep balance. I tried and tried and suddenly I got it, same goes for swimming / staying afloat and a lot of other things.
isn't the issue that he, being an autistic man, needed a "plan", in other words, certainty, security etc. He needed to know what was going to happen and how, and they had agreed for her to take the lead. Then she didn't, plunging him into a situation full of uncertainty, an unexpected change. The problem therefore was the sudden change of plan and being thrown into a stuation that was not "supposed" to happen.
@@Disappointed_Philosoraptor yes :) what I was trying to get across is that my personal experience trial and error ('mistakes') are part of the process, even if the communication is good. There's things you gotta develop a "feel" for, which cannot be learned via communication alone.
Hey there im 35 and my autism was only picked up on 7 months ago waiting on assessment.. its been alot to process but your videos are really really helping me with that and helping me understand myself a bit more. So thank you so so so much
Oh yes humour helps. And also this idea that people lose their virginity at a really young age isn't I think the case. Some do, but I'm not sure it's that common - I was 23, and I am not ashamed about that.
I couldn't tell you when this study was conducted, but some years ago (like maybe 10? 15 years?) researchers found that the average age at which people "lost their virginity" (a phrase I truly abhor, but I don't know what qualified in this case) was 17. It's worth noting that I also don't know what age group they were surveying or whether they included people who had not yet "lost their virginity." Fast forward a bit and more recent surveys are finding that young people in Gen Z are generally not becoming sexually active until they're a bit older. Again, I don't have numbers, but I've heard this in multiple contexts. (For the record, I was 32 and not for lack of trying. A combination of trauma, indoctrination, awkwardness, and lack of conventional attractiveness will do that.)
I definitely don’t think you have any reason to be ashamed. I personally think 23 is a better number than 17, even though I was closer to the latter than the former. I understand the biological drive, and am not trying to condemn consensual sex before 20, but anyone who thinks 23 is somehow late is - how should I put this? - full of it.
@@jimwilliams3816 the problem in my case is I was in the closet, which combined with AIDS first hitting, delayed anything til me 20's....probably saved my life though! But that's not unusual in the LGBTQ, and given the high crossover between LGBTQ folks and the spectrum, mean I suspect there is a higher tendency for later first experiences. Also as the first commenter said, there have been studies that shows it's surprisingly late for some, it's not all done at 14-16 as some suggest. Many late bloomers!
@realfingertrouble We must be about the same age. I’m hetero, but I never saw it as strictly a gay risk, and I remember being glad I was prone to monogamy; I’ve only ever had sex with one person. It was a terrible time, and I still feel for the LGBTQ+ community and the devastating effect it had on so many.
16:29 the thing that’s really standing out to me about this situation is that they said at least twice that he won’t “try”. And I think that’s just a fundamental view that needs to change. Like, they’re just assuming he isn’t trying because he isn’t ready at 7:45am. That’s not necessarily true. I’d dare say it probably isn’t true
10:42 Is that also an autism thing, to sing some things without any reason? Because I also pretty often notice that I'm partially singing my inner monologue…
My struggle with the waiting for the Uber couple is that for me as a autistic person I struggle with not getting to places when I feel I need to be there. So while they weren't late for work to me that's not the point. It is that they are not able to get there when expected. I also need time to sit at work before I start work to transition my brain.
Ahh!! I love your earrings, we have matching earrings but mine are pink. :) also- the first one is rough. I wouldn't be able to infer that someone wanted or needed directing, but I'd feel so bad if they ran away. And Im in awe at him being able to say he needed guidance, im usually way too anxious to say i need help at all.
Honestly as a sa survivor i completely understand the first one. And like- idk but maybe you shouldn't judge and like help the person you're doing it with - Evan (The Host)
For the boyfriend who takes too long to get ready, a possible solution is _more_ autistic behavior. Front-load clothing selections. He may not know what he wants to wear until that day, but he can probably put together multiple whole outfits and hang the whole outfit together(so that instead of choosing each piece each day, he's choosing one put-together outfit from many put-together outfits). The whole outfit can also be hung on the same hanger, so that they can be taken into the bathroom and ready to go the moment he gets out of the shower. Sometimes I even put my belt through the belt loops on my hung-up jeans, and I have a carabiner keychain which I'll attach to one of the belt loops so I don't have to go pick up my keys. And when I'm in a hurry, I'll also put the left sock into the left shoe and the right sock into the right shoe, so I can just know that my socks are ready in my shoes so I can quickly put them on. Or, if he'd be okay showering at night, that might save a few minutes in the morning. Or he can keep a spare toothbrush and toothpaste at work and brush there in the morning(something I used to do to save time). Moving "getting ready" tasks to different times(to before sleep or to after getting to work) can really help shorten the time it takes to get ready and leave home in the morning.
Hell yes, THIS!!! Discussing plans ahead of time and forming routines are both processes of psychological preparation. Knowing what exactly will happen is the BEST way to help endure possible oversensitivities since now you already know what to expect. And WTH does it even mean his wardrobe gives him "oversensitivities"?? Is he given at least one new piece of clothing that he has not seen in his entire life before every single day??? He can't stand wearing clothes he KNEW he owns???? I'm very sorry, that is NOT about being autistic but just pure lack of discipline, using autism as an excuse to avoid growing up.
On the comment of s*x and autism. There’s this book called S*x is Fun! And it was massively helpful for me. It’s great for communication and also just for helping you prepare and understand what expectations you should have.
On the second one, I think maybe she should suggest they get ready earlier and while he's doing his routine she can relax and they'll still have the time to get to work when she wants too. I found that I need to get ready at least 2 hours before hand, otherwise I'm rushing and flustered and uncomfortable. So, I start my clock and then kind of leisurely get dressed I take it step by step with a small break in between, and I've found that makes me much more comfortable and I'm generally able to be on time when I need to be somewhere.
oh my goodness are those sucker earrings? Regardless of what they are, they looks great!! In regards to the content of the video man, I totally understand the sex anxiety
The squishmallow one from last time will never not feel like abuse to me. I still get mad thinking about it. I feel bad for everybody this week except the person who is frustrated with their partner changing clothes at the last minute. I feel like there was a lot more going on there, and that their own need to have things a certain way is making them not treat their partner like an equal. Truthfully, at 19 I was a hot mess and was even less likely to be on time than this person’s partner seems to manage, and I have definitely been treated as less than worthy of respect by partners because I struggle with certain aspects of adulting. So I am quite possibly projecting my own hurt and frustration onto the second letter writer somewhat.
1:08, it was the same for me, my first time. However, she did give me some direction. It was very fun, but also stressful, and caused anxiety. We’ve been married now, over twenty years.
I think some people's of idea of what an adult is is really absurd. People just make up stuff and define maturity by superficial arbitrary things so can more easily feel validated that they are proper adult and look down on others. Sometimes people want to take the fun out of life. Sometimes people hate the idea of people supporting and being their for each other and people living life together with others.
i really love your reddit analysis and would love to see you on a reddit/aita podcast!! i know the host of Two Hot Takes is open to collabs and i think an episode featuring you would be so cool 💕💕
I think that saying "I am autistic so I can't do anything about it" is not the correct attitude. Sometimes that is true. But sometimes it is just people being closeminded about the posibilities. Few things in life are as complicated as "there is no option".And the thing is, if it is a ritual, maybe you can start 10 minutes before...She is not asking him to stop and be on time. She's like "whatever he does is fine, but be on time".
2:00 😂😂 i absolutely love convos like this bc its great to laugh at the horribly ignorant things we do when we first try something and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And also how we are all different and act/react differently.
I had the same reaction, the two or three times I tried to make out with a (straight) woman. Trying to be intuitive about it is too stressful for me, because I don't know how the other person is feeling if they won't communicate their preferences directly, either ahead of time or in the moment. The conclusion I came to during the last attempt, is that I'm just not cut out to be a "top"...
As an afab who is dominant, I have this problem in reverse. I hate it when men " take control ", but if you're hesitant they just do. " No I don't want your tongue slithering in my mouth like snail, dude." Men have such a hard time communicating what they like without taking control.
For the second story, beside the time it take to get to the destination, i personaly need 15-20 min dedicated to "in case something happen" (barrage, gaz leak, accident, etc. all things who already happen to me), so i still doesn't end up late . I fully understand her frustration, can't he start preparing sooner to be ready at the time they leave?
My allistic partner said they'd put a skateboard on their head in the store if I ever did that 🥹🥰 but as a suggestion to the clothing issue, he could pick out a handful of outfits to try on before bedtime 🤷🏽♀️
For the second one,, I used to have the exact same problem. I express myself through fashion, so it’s extremely difficult for me when certain pieces of clothing don’t match how I feel at that time. I communicate myself through my outfits. What helped me was to set up a bunch of pre-made outfits in my mind and go through them whenever I need to get dressed. Sometimes I just go with the exact outfit, sometimes I combine certain parts of certain outfits together, it really helps me to have an organised selection of clothing. As for accessories, which are the most important part for me, I associate different accessories with different moods and colour schemes, if I’m feeling neutral I will most likely wear a pearl necklace, if I’m wearing a purple+pink outfit, I’ll wear a blue-ish necklace etc. This technique doesn’t always work for me, as with most solutions, but the times that it does,, it helps a lot! I just thought I’d share this so that anyone else with the same issue may have a fix to their problems.
When you are suggesting something and the person shoots it down quickly, take a step back and think about why. Every time someone lashes out, there is a reason. Personally I often get very annoyed or dismissive towards my partner when he brigs up my food habits or anything food related, I have a lot of trauma surrounding food + an ASD related eating disorder, and he really cares for me, but the things he suggest or point out is something I have been doing or tried for YEARS without luck, everyone around me have all kinds of tips and tricks but it doesn't help and I'm tired of people not knowing my situation and how it feels, to try and give me advice. I always tell him that I'm sorry if I lash out, its not an excuse to feel like I do, but he also learned that he cannot give me advice because I have already tried it many times over, and its also frustrating me that I have to be like this.
Story 1: Jury's out. He has every right to withdraw consent (which is what he did by leaving), but maybe didn't go about it the right way. Story 2: "YTA", especially since OP could have addressed this issue in a much nicer way.
As someone who struggles not to be late, frequently changing outfits is such a huge part of it for me. I lay out and plan outfits in advance, but it's a crapshoot as to whether or not the fabric isn't sensory hell by the time i wake up and get dressed the next day. Trying to find clothes that are in dress code (for work) while also not feeling like spiders is a near-daily struggle. When the clothes I thought were safe are no longer safe, now I'm fighting a spiral while trying to stay on track under a deadline. Thankfully my partner is patient and helps me with getting dressed, like dealing with buttons or helping me pull up jeans that are difficult to touch. But her suggestions wouldn't be very helpful if that was the case. Laying out an outfit is a start, but it can go wrong so quickly! And then he's back to changing outfits. So nothing is solved. 😞
as something of a late bloomer myself i really feel for that guy for having to put that disclaimer on himself. it sucks that people can be relentlessly judgmental for "lacking experience" not realizing there could be many factors involved. i don't expect people to know this if they question my own sexual experience but i was abused physically, mentally/emotionally and sexually as a child and its made it extremely difficult to form intimate relationships with anyone so as you can imagine its very sensitive question for me. i'm 34 and still a virgin and not something i admit any pride but i appreciate your non-judgment on the matter so thats why i feel more comfortable admitting that here. i still want to hold out hope that i will find someone who is understanding about my background and is willing to be a little patient with me.
Videos like this with your candor and unequivocal acceptance of sex as just a normal part of a lot of people's lives does a lot of the work towards general societal progress on treating sex as thought it isnt a huge deal. You might only have sex a first time once, but likely, youre going into it with the understanding that it probably wont be the last time you have sex with this person or otherwise, so it doesnt need to be anything other than consensual. Even if sex is outright bad, thats a learning experience as long as both people can communicate with each other, and can honestly bring people closer together anyways, making the next time more satisfying, fullfilling, and informed
Do yourself a favor. Buy a robot toy. There are replicas of vaginas that you can just get for like 50 dollars. If youre autistic, I dont blame you for failing at a near impossible game that like 1% of people succeed in, but it sort of is a bit embarassing you dont know the feeling. Just, get a machine for cheap and use that. Its what I did.
The comments that he is just a boy because he is just 19 is true. I do think that we all mature at different rates, depending on what we experience. For the most part, we humans are children till about 23-25 years old in our modern times. Some do mature as early as 16 years old, and some never. My dear mom, who is a grandmother of a 31 year old is still very immature in many ways. Now, my youngest is only 13 years old, and Autistic is very mature in many ways. I personally have some dementia. I have painfully put her and I in situations because my brain just shuts down.
hi I'm autistic and bpd I've self diagnosed bc it's hard to get a diagnosis but I've been studying bpd for 4 yrs and my autistic friend brought to my attention I act very autistic so I watched ur videos and I relate to alot and even scored high on the cat q test. I think I do have bpd as well since my mum (who I don't see anymore bc shes abusive). Also undiagnosed autism can turn into bpd. And I have been bullied my whole life by old friends and even my family. My mum and dad especially for stimming. I would flap my hands and tap surfaces and rock and they would tell me to "pack it in u look stupid stop doing that it's annoying" so I've learnt to mask at a very young age. I even mask when I'm alone bc I feel like someone's watching me so the only time I'm not masking is once a week to see my autistic friend bc I feel safe around her and i think that's why she picked up on it bc she's educated bc she struggles with it herself. I am always in a state of burn out bc my dad makes me do so much work for him bc he is disabled and broke his back in a motorbike accident at 21 so I always have to help and it gets too much but I can't say anything bc he's so dependent on me which my therapists have told me is abusive bc he tells me he can't cope without me and its so hard. Sorry I'm know to ramble and just spew my life story. I just wanted to say thankyou so much for creating this channel it has helped me understand more about autism and myself bc the DSM and Google have such a pin point blank symptoms where if ur autistic u can't POSSIBLY make eye contact which is very misleading and that's one of the examples i thought I wasn't Autistic bc I can make eye contact but I can only hold it for 4 seconds and I look away and repeat the process with internal dialogue in my head. "they're smiling make sure u do to make sure u look interested cross ur hands". Also I have 5 autistic cousins on both side of my family that have been diagnosed. I have 11 cousins I have a feeling I have more autistic cousins but they haven't been diagnosed yet. Like I say I'm so grateful for this channel you make ppl feel like they're not alone. Also I'm 19 and sorry for any typos ❤
I’m sorry for your struggles, that sounds like a lot to deal with. I’d like to say that the way you described the connection between autism and BPD is very good, and I think many professionals would be well served to understand what you have worked out. I am just coming to similar conclusions myself at 62, so I feel impressed by your understanding. I also think that the things you have described about yourself make your self diagnosis sound very valid and correct to me. I hope the things in your life, like coping with parents, get better for you, and I do think your obvious self awareness and understanding will be very helpful to you. I wish I had had 5% of your understanding at your age.
I have difficulty deciding what shirt for work each morning. I resolved the problem by wearing the same colour shirt with small but noticeable details so others know I'm not wearing the same one every day. I put the shirts in order in the cupboard I plan to wear them, and often get my underwear and a pair socks ready the night before as well. It takes away that pressure I don't need in the morning, when I am trying to cope with time issue and anxiety of leaving - even if I decide to choose a different shirt on the day. Having an ADHD as well, getting organised well in advance sounds like an oxymoron (and I cannot always quite manage it) but it does help. I also aim to leave for work at 6.45 latest, but I have never managed get out before 7 pm. I feel anxious even though I know that I will still most likely be able to get into work on time, unless there is some "event" on the way, like an accident or the road is closed temporarily for a VIP delegate that creates worse traffic jam than usual. Being differently able is no excuse of being late or not causing unnecessary inconvenience and not even trying to find a solution, to meet half way. You cannot "fix" a neurodivergent brain, but if your boyfriend is able to live normal life without support, then he should also take some responsibility and try to work out strategy that allows him to make small changes in his behaviour. Like getting up earlier to give himself time to choose his outfit and not to be late. If a non-verbal autistic boy in my classroom can learn to ask permission to go to bathroom (a breakthrough of 2 words) instead of just barging out of the room, I strongly believe that your boyfriend is capable of modifying his behaviour!
This week we have two autistic boyfriends in trouble for two very different reasons 😂 Let me know your verdicts in the comments!
If you missed the last AITA video, it was an intense one. A user took it upon themselves to THROW AWAY their wife’s squishmallows 👀: th-cam.com/video/EdByHssKrgA/w-d-xo.html
I have a new Patreon too! You can get 2 exclusive videos a month and access to the Discord server, even on the lowest tier: www.patreon.com/imautisticnowwhat
For those on the 2nd tier and up, I’ve posted a 2-hour podcast episode with my husband about out ‘anti-social’ wedding, this week 👰🏻♀
And also a HUGE thanks to those of you who enjoy what I do here on TH-cam. I’m having so much fun and every time I try to plan one video, I end up with ideas for about 7 more. I obviously wouldn’t be able to do this if no one was watching, and I appreciate you so very much. Any requests, always feel free to let me know 🥰
I'm glad to hear it's "tickling your creative bone" and you're having fun with it!! ❤😊
I very much enjoy your videos, as I find much of what you talk about relatable❣️😍
@@tabitas.2719thank you soo much! I’m so happy to hear that 🥰
The second BF...
What he needs is empathy and understanding that he is autistic and that he has little control over these manifestations. GF cannot change him, she must accept him for what he is and let him be, or reduce her involvement in his life.
Perhaps, without offering much of a reason beyond, "I might feel better ..." suggest leaving five minutes earlier. He's likely, I think, to accept that suggestion, but only if there is no blame attached.
Or early enough most days that you can walk. Unwired. It's good exercise.
@@oneeyedphotographer I love this!! 🤣🤩
I never had this problem, with any of the gfs. I've had over the years. Including the first one. They seemed quite willing to show me. What made them feel good. When asked
I think a lot of people gravely underestimate how ridiculous and awkward sex can be! It's so often portrayed like it's a totally serious thing, where everyone always knows what they're doing.
It's serious for me. When I have sex, I look at my girlfriend in the eyes the whole time with a completely deadpan expression. (jk I've never had sex.)
My ex-bf had an issue with processing sex. I understand how neurological processing is different from my processing. But I'm unsure if my experience is common or not average from within the neurodivergent community, but his pron addiction really hurt our intimacy and joy from sex.
@@ChangedWindsI can relate abit, me and my fiance are both autistic and on the ace spectrum and I have slow processing at times and they have texture issues with wrinkly skin so there's alot of times where we both just can't do it or enjoy it so we usually just end up cuddling and or doing different activities together but intimately. Ik this might not help the physical issue but maybe you can try things like having sex in the dark so you don't have to process all the visuals around you or even things like ERP, where u can both like text each other and roleplay fantasies together, I heard a lot of times that's helped ppl bridge a tension gap when it comes to sex. Srry if my advice wasn't helpful, I wish u luck.
@@hypnopompicfool985 your role playing games via text idea to bridge gaps just might be a genius idea 👍💯✌
We should have more representation of people playing, laughing, and experimenting together.
I’m autistic and have OCD. I struggled so severely with getting dressed that my therapist and I came up with a solution. I spent time taking photos of myself wearing almost every possible outfit combination from my own closet. Now, when overwhelm builds, I flip through a well organised « catalogue » of my own outfits, instead of trying them all on and throwing everything on the floor or the bed chaotically before leaving. It’s been a real game changer!
That's a great tip! 😃👌
That's so smart! I might have to try this because I struggle with the same thing (plus I have fibromyalgia so it'd save me a lot of energy and pain to not have to individually try on everything I own every time I get dressed)
Heck yeah! 🤘😃
That’s actually a cool tip even for people without OCD. Sometimes I genuinely have no clue what to wear.
That's an incredible idea!! Thank you so very much for sharing 💛
I think proper sex education and not treating sex like a mythological special thing that must be perfect would benefit people greatly. Sex is messy, clumsy, sometimes body parts make weird funny noises, it's vulnerable, and sometimes silly. If people could acknowledge that instead of building up this massive self pressure to preform perfectly, I think they'd have healthier sex lives.
True. If you need to communicate tohave a healthy relationship in other ways, how much more do you need it in the bedroom? Sex is only partially instinct. Much more is learned.
Absolutely! Wish my younger self had known this
Try telling a religious fanatic to lighten up about sex, though. Hard to relax when one wrong move could send you to Hell.
@@ChristianCatboy If it makes anyone feel better, if I may comment, that logically, there cannot be a "hell" (a place where God doesn't exist, and only eternal pain and suffering are doled out to evil doers by a master demon.) Why? Because, for believers, if God is this omniscient/omnipresent being, then where in it's "allness" can hell be? As well, if you were a God, would you really want to throw away your worshipers? Imagine how cool of a God you'd be if you could forgive the wrongdoing, and rehabilitate your little darlings, the human mortals (or any mortal for that matter), by giving them a chance? So ignore the religious fanatics or just tell them this logic bomb. If they question it, then, "is God not Love?" Because It is, and what does Love do, it forgives, and has tolerance and patience and all those other fruits of the spirit. An infinite being, that knows and is everything, cannot be anything good at all, unless it is completely made of Love. Any of the "God hates XYZ" stuff (insert something religious fanatics believe that God hates in XYZ), cannot be true when God is Love. Whatever the hate is, it's not real, and doesn't register, nor fit in it's whole. That's why all the crud is here. because this is a holodeck and we get to play in it. It kinda stinks, and it's up to us to stop making it stink. When it doesn't stink here on Planet Dirt, then we'll get a prize. For reals. Peace!
@@doctorc-ton1099 Amen
"Society is the asshole"
I felt that, lol. I wish people as a whole could be more accepting and patient with each other.
Intimacy is one of those things that actually requires a lot of communication.
Even as an autistic person, just like I would expect my partner to respect my sensitivities even if sometimes they have to make changes or temporarily repress their urges, I can't be mad at them for asking me to make changes or temporarily repress my urges. While making changes can be difficult or even impossible as an autistic person, there's a world of difference between having tried and failed versus dismissing any suggestions without consideration or alternatives. Relationships go both ways and putting all the effort of compromise on one person is expecting to be infantilized.
I've had times where I've had to repress my stims to respect another autist's sensibilities. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. If this happens all the time including one's private time, then they really shouldn't be together.
That's not to say that the OP of the second story is or isn't the the a-hole, I don't think we have enough context. I just don't think it's fair to demonize them as completely ignorant in what could be an overwhelmingly one sided relationship. It does sound rather incompatible though.
I'm autistic and have Adhd and am often time blind but at the same time, hate to be late. So all collide together in a big stressful mess. I do believe that just saying "I'm autistic there is nothing I can do about it" also is not correct, he's autistic, but he can try to accommodate her needs, she likes to be on a certain time, as much he needs to try several outfits, they should both try to meet each other needs in a mid term, both should be willing to at least try, being autistic does not mean that you can never, at least, try to adapt to the ones you love. He says things like that is like saying that all loud places should put the music off just because he enters the room.. He can chose not to go, choose to put hear plugs, can try and ask if it's possible to lower the volume, but he can't juts force others to just always be the ones acomudating him.
Honestly I'd agree if the problem was actually a severe issue. But it really isn't. She just would like to be early instead of being on time. Okay? Like... so what if you aren't early sometimes, you will live. I get it can be annoying, but expecting someone to accomdate you by somehow fixing a part of their disorder on the spot because of a small inconvenience. It isn't the same as compromising with a friend, autistic people should be allowed to unmask around their partners. We shouldn't have to suppress our stims or change our routine because it's slightly annoying to our partners. She's describing a non issue. She arrives on time. Maybe she can schedule the Uber later? Maybe she can go by herself? It's silly to me that autistic people have to be the only ones who accomdate others. Maybe just get over the small inconvenience. I get that he could try, but the effort that goes into finding a solution for a non problem could be much more than the effort it would take for her to just wake up a little earlier, go by herself, or have the Uber come earlier. Solving this kind of issue can be close to if not impossible, and it takes little effort for someone to accept their partner is autistic
@paulacruz6239 i feel like It takes significantly less effort for her to just get over it. These aren't the same kinds of needs I'm sorry. we don't know what his level of support needs are, or why he does this. He might have meltdowns if he doesn't spend time getting ready, or do what he needs to do for his routine. Meanwhile if she goes to work slightly later than she wants to, well... all that happens is she's going to be a little annoyed. She never said why she needs to be early. I get it might be nice, but we don't have any reason to believe it is seriously impacting her in any way. All she says is that its really annoying. Sorry but that's not a need, thats a preference. Expecting autistic people to accomdate nerotypical people when it's significantly harder to do than the other party is a false equivalence. It's not far that he has to do a lot of work to basically mask his autism at home just because it annoys her a little. People are just so uncomfortable when you dare suggestion that alistic people also have to accomdate us. She never suggested compromise, she just said he has to fix a non issue for her comfort. How is that fair? It simply isn't. Autistic people are autistic, and just because you are able to accomdate people, doesn't mean someone else is.
Regarding the first story - I don’t think he’s the “AH” because we autistics can have sudden strong emotional swings, and feeling you have failed in such a sensitive matter can be distressing and walking out may just be the need to get away from the situation. It can feel panicky. I have had a meltdown in a delicate situation (not the same one!)
Tbh I think even an NT person could react similarly. There's a lot of high expectations with sex and first times, and then he hears "sheesh ok"... Yeah, that surely wouldn't feel great for anyone and it can be a complete turn off.
Yes! I think calling him an AH is a bit much.
If that was how it went down, I’d agree, but it kinda seems like he suddenly snapped at her for not already knowing to give him specific instructions (and know exactly what instructions to give, for that matter). I don’t love that.
He's the AH, he acted like a selfish insecure child and took it out on her, how do you think that made the girl feel? being autistic is not an excuse, why should anyone be in a relationship with an adult that behaves like that? At no point does he consider her feelings whatsoever while expecting her to cater to him entirely.
@@jpjp3486 Sex is supposed to be a collaboration. You don’t act passive if you are with someone inexperienced. That’s thoughtless.
It sounds like the guy just needed some encouragement to feel less awkward.
Lovely video as always, the timing of the starfish stock footage sent me! For the second story, I feel like it would be easy enough to make a rule "no outfit changes after the ride is ordered" and the partner could say "okay, I'm about to order the Uber, are you ready?" I feel like his mentality is "I have until the car pulls up to get ready" When hers is "I have until I call the ride to get ready". That way he can still find the "right outfit" and she can be on time.
That likely will not work if he struggles with demand avoidance, unfortunately. Ultimately, they need to have a conversation or two and try to work _together_ to find a solution that works for both of them
I was thinking that they can just get ready earlier so he has time to change outfits. But if the need to change happens while the car is on the way, like a last minute "this really isn't it," anxiety or something, I wonder.
That's why they need to figure it out without making judgements, assumptions and excuses. Autistic people are weird but we have reasons why we do things, it makes sense with the logic in one's own head.
What time was the starfish stock footage again?
@@catbatrat1760 around 1:34 think!
One other thing, if sex often becomes awkward and ends in an emotional flare up, just focus on foreplay for a longer time more often and get used to doing sexual things that aren't directly having sex. It really does help you get to know each other as partners and get more comfortable with each others bodies and needs
If she can't appreciate you with a skateboard on your head, do a handstand and skate off.
i'd love to see a video about the topic of autism and sex. I think the correlation between asexuality and/or hypersexuality and autism is really interesting. I'm still exploring my sexuality, but i know i fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I also know many autistic people who are hypersexual, and sometimes even both (which is possible. I know some people get confused, but being asexual doesn't mean a complete lack of sexual desire, it just means a lack of attraction, which is different. I still feel sexual desires, but just don't have the attraction part. I've never been attracted to someone in a sexual way (not that i can discern anyway, sometimes its hard to tell what type of attraction it is lol) so it is possible for someone to be asexual and also hypersexual.)
This this this this!
I've been out as one kind of queer or another since I was 16, but I'm only just recently coming to understand that I'm also somewhere on the ace spectrum. It was hard to realize that bc I experience sexual urges and desires, but I've never in my life looked at a person (real or fictional, flesh and blood or animated, personally known or in the media) and thought, "I want to do sexual things with that person." I've never been "attracted" to a person in a sexual way even though I'm perfectly capable of recognizing why someone else would be.
Paige Layle posted a couple of videos about autism & sex recently. Very interesting.
I feel like I am hypersexual without having had much sex at all. And I am only turned on by being 100% dominant which is such a drag when you basically can't even decide what to wear most days, is high-masking and a people pleaser. So my fantasy life is huge. Because irl, it is so hard just being with people let alone having sex with them.
This would be very interesting to watch
@@anne-zh2kdi was like this my entire life until getting medication for a chronic pain condition. When the doctor changes my meds she wants to remove the one thats supressing my desire. I need to make sure she keeps me on a low dosage. I dont want sexual desires. Thats the only reason that ever made me try to get into a relationship. And relationships messed me up psychologically. Im done with that.
I bet what's really happening with the guy who keeps being late for the uber is that their leaving time is simply too early for him. Personally I found that morning is my biggest obstacle. It is so hard to go from the bed where I am comfortable and safe into the chaotic beeping, smelly, human filled world that forcing myself to go too quickly when I had an 8am start time, invariably caused a meltdown. Every day, getting up exhausted me and destroyed my day. Now I work with a start time in the after noon. I don't have an alarm. I get up when I naturally wake up. I lay in bed appreciating it. I repeat affirmations. I pet my cats. I let everything be soft and gentle. Then eventually when I want to, because I have to pee or eat, I get up. No more meltdowns. No more losing jobs and hating every waking moment.
yeah, honestly so many things start way too early.
this is a common thing for all teenagers, but school starts super early and doesn’t fit the sleep schedule thats natural and common in teens.
this also goes for adults too, some people are night owls and prefer to wake up later, some people just cant stand mornings and need time to wake up properly.
the modern world has these set expectations of EVERYONE to be “healthy” and “proactive” at the “healthy and good” hours, which usually are too early and make people have worse sleep
@@cloud5544 I agree, although probably the pre-modern world - as in, before electricity - was even more rigid about waking up early, since everything had to be done during daylight. I even bet we have our ideas about "proper" wake up times as legacies of this daylight only life.
@@eliannafreely5725 yeah, i just mean that everything is structured around a schedule we dont need to have or should have. of course there are exceptions with some jobs, but some stuff can be better too
Before our wedding, I made it clear to my wife that if she tried to change me, there would be trouble.
It was conventional wisdom at the time, and I had no idea that I am autistic, or even what autism is. It worked out well, though, she did her things, I did mine, and together we did our things. Our 50th wedding anniversary is in about six weeks.
Congratulations! 💛
I'm a very open & communicative person with those i've had relationships with. The first few times having sex, i feel like there needs to be a very open, honest dialogue & lots of direct feedback. Everyone is different. Seem like a lot of partners don't like this, it turns them off, gets them out of the mood or makes them uncomfortable. To me, it adds to it; look at how well we are communicating our needs & wants; plus points achieved in the relationship status; extra happy vibes!! Communication in sex for me has become a huge tell as to whether the communication in the relationship as a whole is going to be functioning well.
Yeah typically if someone isn't willing to communicate their desires to you directly they're not going to be a great choice for a sexual partner. It can feel like those people expect you to read their minds. Not communicating is a huge turn off and red flag for me
I've never understood how discussing sex supposedly "ruins the mood", seems like it could make it even more fun. How nice it could be to have direct advice and receive enthusiastic approval 😄
Honestly I'd feel way too uncomfortable if I *didn't* have clear and open communication with a partner in bed, like how am I supposed to know what they like or whether I'm doing something that makes them uncomfortable? I'd be too anxious to do anything at all if I didn't know they'd feel comfortable telling me how they're feeling and updating me if anything changes, the moment it changes. Also isn't it nicer to know for sure if you're doing something the other person likes, rather than just kinda...guessing?
I'm autistic and sometimes when I'm in sexual situations with my partner, my brain gets completely overwhelmed with all the sensual stimuli and kind of shuts off, which makes communicating.. let's say rather difficult 😅 BUT, I will always (at least TRY to) talk about it afterwards, plus I've found that it happens way less when we take things a bit slower, so that I can get used to every sensation as we go. Absolutely agree that communication is key! ❤
@@kkuudandere it kills the mood for those who are impatient and just want to do it
The first story was relatable, I've done that, in my defense I was extremely drunk and inexperienced.
Oh noo! Well being drunk definitely wouldn’t have helped 😂
Can i just say I love that you don't use background music or flashy graphics or edits? Makes your videos very easy for my AuDHD brain to follow.
I don't have ADHD but I also like that. I mean I like those if they have a point or enhance a joke or something, otherwise I'd rather just have the person talking so I can understand easily what they're saying.
My brain has music in the background anyways
i cant fucking stand when videos are over edited, i used to exclusively watch live streams becuase of that. recently i tried watching modern lets plays and mr beast. so many cuts, sound effects, and effects. it was actually nauseating
I've been married 19 years and STILL feel like "what does she want?" Feedback of some sort would be great, but that is probably not normal? I mean, you nailed it with a simple "communication." Boom, done.
Society is the asshole
Wise words.
I lost my OCD diagnosis between psychiatrists (should probably fix that) but the way you described that feeling of dread when something isn't "just right" is so on point. The degree to which I let this control my actions is honestly embarrassing and feels like it's turning into a delusion sometimes.
I did not realise this sort of thing was OCD. It’s exactly how I am. I would always get annoyed with myself for it and thought it was just me being overly fussy, but it really is a thing with me.
I thought everyone felt this way until I watched this video 😅 Mayhaps I should check out some more PDA and OCD videos
The last story I think the posting partner could benefit to ask the autistic partner what they can do to help them meet the 745 departure time better. Like, do you need help getting something together, do you need an earlier alarm to give yourself time to change outfits, do you need a different breakfast that can be taken on the go to save time, etc. Sometimes just offering to help reduce the amount of other things in the routine can help to fix a routine, then add things back in as time goes on. Slowly create the habits one at a time so they can get used to the timeline you need.
My favorite sex advice for autistic people is just try to make it fun. You're right it's not supposed to be serious the entire time. It can be for a period or occasionally but most of the time it should be fun and you should try to make your partner smile and laugh, just to ease any kind of awkward feelings or anxiety. Don't focus so much on performance or what you're doing wrong, focus on what seems to be well received. In my experience it's quite easy to transition from jokey laughy time to sexy time very fast, a more light tone to a more hot nd heavy tone, it just makes things flow better. Focus on learning what your partner wants or likes with open communication beforehand and during compared to requiring them to guide you. Sex is called adult playtime for a reason; also it's 100% okay if one or both parties don't finish, it doesn't mean you failed. I've been in both situations, defensive, embarrassed, extremely frustrated during and after sex as well as having awesome sex, with the same partner.
19:57 "but he is an autistic person and you can't make him neurotypical by berating him about it."
^^^ THIS!!! SO many people really need to understand this. Unfortunately, so many people also refuse to understand this...
I wonder where he got the idea that being directed during sex is an average thing. Most people lack the self-esteem to do that. That's something you need to ask for if you need, whether you're autistic or not.
Making mistakes. Am I the only one who started out clumbsy and uncoordinated? Go for the kiss but clock foreheads together, having no idea how much pressure is good here or there, literally falling off the bed.
Watching professionals is absolutely going to change his expectations of his own performance. Since we're so afraid of sex, talking about sex, and sex education, of course he doesn't know that being clumbsy, making mistakes, and not knowing what you're doing is normal. It's the same as any skill. You're not Lebron James the first time you pick up a basketball either.
So, I am 30 yo virgin. I think that having a first time exploring whatever you want (as far as the other person is ok with it) is totally fine. Otherwise you don't learn what you like, but what society tells you to do (again, me virgin so I might be wrong).
On the other hand, if you feel frustrated, don't blame her... Say "hey, this is new to me and I am confused/self conscious. Could you guide me a little?"
I would love to see more videos on sex and autism. Sex is something that i really struggle with and theres hardly any information out there, hardly any conversation out there that goes over it, its a taboo topic but its important and has been a major catalyst in my life and been something that destroys my confidence, and something that i have major trauma from. I really wish more people would open this topic up to discussion.
About changing clothes 2-3 times, I wonder if it could be a sensory issue. When studying or working, I would always set out an outfit for the next morning because I found it difficult to choose in the morning and didn’t want to be late. Sometimes though I would put it on and, even if I had worn the same outfit many times, for some reason that morning it felt awful and I had to find something else
I was thinking the same thing. Like the majority of my morning routine is done sitting down or with minimal walking around. Most of my movement happens in the last few minutes before I walk out the door. There have been times I got to that point and realized the socks I was wearing made me feel like I was walking on pins and needles or I realized my shirt felt too tight when I went to put on my jacket. Sometimes you think the sensory discomfort is managable until youre about to walk out the door.
I remember damaging many relationships by asking my partner, "what are you thinking?" too often because I wasn't sure if I was picking up on the social cues.
I had my initial assessment appointment this week for autism. I was dreading what odd criteria they’d be using. Fortunately I, a middle aged woman, wasn’t expected to be a five year old boy. Instead I was asked questions such as, do I like to find out information about a subject and categorise it. And I’m like…dude, I work in museums . And the doctor is ‘oh how interesting (yawn) what sort of museum’. And I’m honestly able to reply, science, technology, and at the moment mostly dinosaurs…….. so that’s that stage of assessment passed……on to the next bit of the waiting list……. I couldn’t have given better proof of what she was asking if I’d planned it.
Regarding the first story, I feel the need to add that there can be a hypersensitivity and fear to the possibility of transgressing unspoken or ambiguous boundaries around sex. Being directed might be a way for him to not only know what she wants, but to know he isn't doing something that she doesn't want. It can be very, very scary when you don't necessarily trust your minute to minute judgment of another's state to trust you're reading them well enough to not violate some line that would be more obvious after the fact. And the anxiety on that on top of everything can be oppressive.
an autistic person is a person but some people a lot of times dot treat us like we're real people
Pt 2 reminds me so much of my first marriage!
When I was first diagnosed with Asperger's my wife would love to tell everyone. It was part of my identity. Yet every Autistic thing I did pissed her off. It felt like it pissed her off even more now that we knew why I did it rather than acknowledging that it was part of my diagnosis. I could be Autistic for clout and sympathy, but not _actually_ be or act Autistic. This is why, even some 17 years later that I'm just now working on unmasking.
It may just be triggering some abuse trauma but I don't think this woman has a clue what Autism is. It is absolutely unreasonable to demand he not be Autistic about his clothes or whatever. The fact he can hold down a job is already beating the odds!
I honestly hope she leaves rather than cause more harm through abuse.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, I hope bit by bit you learn how to unmask in a way most comfortable for you. I also really hope you have some more supportive people around you these days, people who see your autism as a part of your identity and not something to be used as a tool when convenient for them. I'm still learning to unmask - I've been masking for so long that it's difficult to figure out where to even begin.
I also agree that it's unreasonable to expect someone to just stop being autistic when it inconveniences you, which is what it sounds like the partner in the second story wants from their boyfriend. Hope you're doing well!
Yeah that story triggered some abuse trauma for me too. I had no idea I was autistic, so I would try to explain to my loved ones that something was wrong with my brain that made these things harder for me and the response was always "I know what the problem is! You're LAZY! You don't care about the people around you and how much we're hurting because you are too lazy to put in the bare minimum amount of effort." The second OP said their autistic boyfriend was not even trying, my blood was boiling. It hurts so much being gaslit over and over and having the people around you try to convince you that you are lazy and uncwring when you're actually crying yourself to sleep because you're so fatigued from trying to make the people around you happy unsuccessfully.
@@LilChuunosukeI feel you so much. We literally put our own mental health on hold for these people and go WAY over what we are comfortable with, and that shit is STILL not enough for them.
My take on the first guy: not the a-hole. He doesn't have an attitude problem-but it sounds like he has a strategy problem, and his suboptimal choice of strategies will result in people around him being upset, and like this could be avoided if he communicated what was on his mind in a different way.
Proof that he doesn't have an attitude problem: he's so worried he may have unintentionally hurt someone that he reveals his potential mistakes for the entire internet to judge, in the hope of learning something and reducing the amount of accidental hurt going forwards.
I suspect people who call him the a-hole overestimate how much he understands about the impact of his actions on the feelings of others, and draw false inferences about his intentions. I was struck by the comment saying "[YTA: you made her feel inadequate in her most vulnerable moment]". Did this commenter think that maybe (s)he was making OP feel inadequate about his social and relationship skills, in his most vulnerable AITA moment?
I’ve never been so early to a video. So i just want to take the opertunety to thank you for making so many informative and helpfull videos on autism.
Aw! Thank YOU for being here!! 💜
I have to admit, its hard for me to give a calm, rational, logical opinion on story 2.
I spent my entire life being told that my best was not good enough. That I was lying when I said I was trying my hardest. That everything I was struggling with was easy and that I was lying about putting an effort in because I didn't turn my attempts to grow into some grande performance so they could see me struggling and deem my attempt genuine.
I have suffered with severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues all my life from people accusing me of not wanting to hear them out or not wanting to put an effort in, much as this OP accused their boyfriend of doing.
To me, this lanaguage is not only uneducated, but ableist. My disability is not a performance for you to judge. You don't get to accuse me of not putting an effort into making my disability less of a burden for others because you arent getting the results you wanted. I'd even go as far as saying it is unintentional gaslighting to try to convince your disabled partner, who is putting their best effort into making you more comfortable, that if they think they are actually trying to do better, they must be lying to themselves because they've actually done nothing. This accusation can be deeply upsetting and triggering for many traumatized autistics who grew up being told that their disabilities made them burdensome and that they weren't trying hard enough to lessen the pain of the people around them.
I honestly think OP and their boyfriend are incompatible. If you accuse a disabled person of not trying because they made you sit alone in an idle uber for LESS THAN 5 MINUTES (as someone who also ubers to work, they arent allowed to wait for you any longer than that), then OP needs to find someone whose brain works more like their own.
I feel like some guys are SO concerned with not being one of the "bad ones" that they don't believe their partners even if you DO tell them...
This might just be me, but I feel like sex is always really awkward and uncomfortable.
probly cause your ace
It's not just you.
Ofcourse it is, i m 51 and i stop having relationships or sex because it s to much a hassle
About that second post, being expected to stick to someone else’s schedule can be a huge PDA trigger. And even beyond the “be ready at 7:45” thing, if he’s ask to change the morning routine he’s used his whole life, of course that’s going to cause problems.
A few years ago, I did the dirty with my parnter, who was 35, virgin, and neurodivergent. Well, we tried, he was so nervous he couldnt get it up enough to get it in. He got embarassed and put his pants back on, and i cuddled him the rest of the night saying i didnt mind. Eventually he got over the nervousness and the next day was able to get things going. He said if i hadnt have been as patient, he probably would have broken up with me out of embarassment. Patience is a virtue :)
I think if he really wanted direction he should have told his girlfriend that he wants help. You cant just assume she is going to say something when maybe she thinks itll be easier for you if you don't have any expectations? Like, she may have been nervous as well
honestly, I disagree with "low support needs". as a high masker, just because i can be perceived as NT, doesn't mean the complete lack of support isn't INSANELY debilitating, like i'm gonna die sad and alone and if i outlive my mom, my body won't be found for weeks.
Lower support needs might be a better way to phrase it. But either way, it still implies that there are support needs there 😊 I can see why it could be perceived as dismissive, though.
Personally, I think "high masking" and "low support needs" can exist separately. You can be high masking with high (or medium I guess) support needs as well. When people say "high functioning autistic" they usually mean someone high masking, someone with low support needs, or both. That's how I like to look at it at least.
Same here
I would consider myself High Masking and Moderate Support Needs because I rely on my parents like it seems you do also. Masking and Support Needs are two different parts of being autistic.
I'm good at masking, but because masking uses up my energy, I can't possibly continuously mask enough to work a normal job... :( @@Link-dx1lx
As a Domme who is unexperienced I definitely get that feeling when there is NO communication. I need him to communicate what he likes, not just lay there like a dead body. I mean, could you just go " yes, I like it", " there is nice" " That feels good." Just because you are the submissive partner doesn't mean you just get to lie there like a lump. You get so in your head and you want to know that he likes it. I meqn, I am literally penetrating him. That is very vulnerable and I NEED to know that he likes. But sometimes there is no communication at all. No moaning, no " yes" no nothing. Just because you are on the recieving end doesn't mean you get to just lie there without some reassurance. Just a " yes, there" means the friggin world.
We definitely need more communication in the world. It's something I also really struggle with though, I put up a lot of walls.
I struggle with this. At what point do we, as autistics, take responsibility for meeting others half way, and when do our autistic traits really become a legitimate excuse?
Those in our lives have needs that need to be considered just as much as ours.
Yes we think differently and have struggles in areas that others would consider "minor" or "inconsequential". However, using autism as an excuse to never *try* to meet the needs of others too, is akin to saying we have no personal autonomy.
I can't say what the case is with this particular story, but I know we need to have personal accountability where we can as well.
Yeah, but it sometimes can feel as though we really have no autonomy.
@@JankoWalski-hz3lu it's important to remember that we do. I understand the feeling, but thinking we have no control whatsoever will lead us to more declined mental states. I'm saying this from a place of compassion and love as a fellow autistic. We need to be kind to ourselves where we truly struggle, but we need to feel power and reassurance in knowing we do have power and control in some areas of our lives. This isn't just compassionate to us, but also to those around us who love us because they deserve consideration too.
@@NeurodiverJENNtI think most autistics, especially those of us that are high-masking do this to the detriment of our own mental health. I think this is a toxic mindset, because we already punish ourselves so harshly for our failure. Asking for accommodation for things that are HUGE issues for us, but minor inconveniences for others is needed. We already accommodate neurotypical people in every single aspect of our lives already. We mask, we push through immense discomfort, pain, anxiety, we literally have to push t our flight response every single time we interact with neurotypical people that aren't close to us. We are already killing ourselves trying to live up to neurotypical standards. Sometimes we need to set a boundary
@@anne-zh2kd I totally agree with you. As high making individuals, we can absolutely punish ourselves for not fitting in a neurotypical box, or living up to their standards. We do bend over trying to please others, and give until our cups are empty. After my diagnosis I was finally able to start setting some boundaries, say no to things more often, and take better care of my physical and mental well-being. I was able to realize I wasn't a crap human being. I wasn't a bad Neurotypical I was a perfectly fine neurodivergent person. I masked to the point of depression and self hatred almost.
Honestly, you hit many nails on the head. It CAN be a toxic mind set to try to bend over for NTs and not set boundaries. It can harm our mental health because we will never be neurotypicals.
What I'm saying is the extreme on the other end. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage or mistreat others on the neurodivergent side as well. I'm in a lot of Facebook groups where I see abuse happening and it being excused under neurodivergence, which gives us a bad name.
Bad human behavior can happen on both sides and at the end of the day we have to abide by our own conscience to navigate that SUPER thin line of self responsibility and setting boundaries.
@@NeurodiverJENNtOkay. I guess I may have misunderstood. My autistic ADHD ass does that. I guess it hit me so hard because I do that thing where I just go " f my boundaries let's go help" way to much. But I can't work. I cannot hold down a job, so I am always made to feel like a leech by society. But yeah, of course you need to be kind as far as you are able. I must admit I have seen some ( mostly male, white and young) autistic people being casually homophobic and even using the n-word and not feeling like I could speak up. I guess I put my own mindset, which is " your needs are secondary " ( something I'm working on) into it.
Second post is so relatable to me. But from a BF perspective.
I have a hard time waking up in the morning, that i need my cup of tea, than i spend a lot of time doing makeup. So yeah, if me and my partner need to go somewhere, i am often slowing us down. But my bf is very accepting of this and we learned to deal with it.
But i think, sometimes the best solution, is to get ready and leave the house separately. They're routines maybe just too different. And it's not a bad thing! Yeah, it can be more expensive (two uberz instead of one), but at least they're not gonna stress each other. She can leave early to work, he can get ready in his own way and pace.
I fully get always leaving things until the last minute, and that part can be really difficult to fix, at least permanently. Something that could be fixed however is what time the partner needs to be at work. If they've now given a time that actually feels too late for them, and they'd like to have an extra ten minutes at work before they officially have to start, then that becomes the new time to be there. The autistic partner's difficulty in getting ready is going to be just as difficult, but maybe it helps his partner knowing they're not about to be late from their preferred time. If the autistic boyfriend doesn't take the new time seriously, that's a different problem of course.
I've struggled with similar timing problems my whole life, and will always use just as much time as I have. I'm very rarely late, but often push things until the last minute. My dad's even worse, since he'll calculate some casual speeding into his travel times and clearly somehow assumes there won't be other drivers or road works slowing him down etc. When I was still young and living with my parents I'd sometimes drive him to the airport when he was going for a work trip, and I learned pretty soon to give him an absolute deadline for when we needed to be out of the door if he wanted me to help him. It was just way too stressful to be in the car when he had left it last minute to catch a plane. Even if he was driving and I'd only tag along to drive the car back I still hated it and didn't feel safe. So I gave him the options to be out by the time I gave, take a taxi, or drive himself and pay for airport parking until he got back. After that he managed my deadline every time, but only just. For me that was enough, since the time I gave was enough to drive safely and get there a bit before he needed to.
I relate to the second guy. I don't usually change my outfits multiple times before work but I do feel anxious if I'm wearing the "wrong" thing, I used to be very anxious about wearing inapropirate clothes for work while being concious of not wearing the same piece of clothing too often, espescially since it was my first office job. The thing that helped me is having a 'uniform' for example I have bought multiple of the same type of shirt in different colours. I would also have a schedule so for example mondays, wednesdays and fridays I would wear a skirt and tuesdays and thursdays I would wear jeans and a shirt.
With the skateboard she 100% just needs to get over that lol. You can't be policing your partner's behaviour all the time, if she's embarrased at how her partner acts then maybe it's not a good fit. I feel like people can feel like they have more authority to tell / teach people how to act if they are autistic. As if natural autistic needs to be fixed and you can do that by just enforcing behaviour. There are quite a few times when I know 'how' to act, I just can't / don't for a lot of different reasons.
And I also got crap from school for being late as a kid, but often it wasn't my fault, it was my parents and my dysfunctional family. Not sure why teachers and schools attack kids for lateness when they know the kids aren't driving themselves to school? Different I guess if you're walking or as I was fairly young getting a coach, if I missed the coach I guess that might be my fault, but often it was just as much my Dad was late.
Your content has helped me to understand myself so much better and I'm so grateful! I got my diagnosis when I was 13 (I'm 27 now) but I haven't really had access to much assistance or information from professionals, so I've been doing a lot of research by myself. It's honestly so helpful to hear directly from other autistic people, especially because you're so kind and your videos are so fun to watch! Also reading the comments on your channel has shown me so many thoughtful, interesting and lovely people with similar experiences to me and I've learned a lot of helpful tips! So thank you for building such a wonderful community 😊
On the first story .. personally I think it's one of those things like learning to ride a bike or to swim etc. While yea, 'directions' (communication) is important, there's also a significant part that simply cannot be conveyed by talking, but you gotta figure it out by trying, and making mistakes along the way. Like, no amount of detailed instructions taught me, could have taught me, how to ride a bike or what it exactly is I have to do to keep balance. I tried and tried and suddenly I got it, same goes for swimming / staying afloat and a lot of other things.
Very true!
isn't the issue that he, being an autistic man, needed a "plan", in other words, certainty, security etc. He needed to know what was going to happen and how, and they had agreed for her to take the lead. Then she didn't, plunging him into a situation full of uncertainty, an unexpected change. The problem therefore was the sudden change of plan and being thrown into a stuation that was not "supposed" to happen.
@@Disappointed_Philosoraptor yes :) what I was trying to get across is that my personal experience trial and error ('mistakes') are part of the process, even if the communication is good. There's things you gotta develop a "feel" for, which cannot be learned via communication alone.
Hey there im 35 and my autism was only picked up on 7 months ago waiting on assessment.. its been alot to process but your videos are really really helping me with that and helping me understand myself a bit more. So thank you so so so much
Oh yes humour helps. And also this idea that people lose their virginity at a really young age isn't I think the case. Some do, but I'm not sure it's that common - I was 23, and I am not ashamed about that.
I couldn't tell you when this study was conducted, but some years ago (like maybe 10? 15 years?) researchers found that the average age at which people "lost their virginity" (a phrase I truly abhor, but I don't know what qualified in this case) was 17. It's worth noting that I also don't know what age group they were surveying or whether they included people who had not yet "lost their virginity."
Fast forward a bit and more recent surveys are finding that young people in Gen Z are generally not becoming sexually active until they're a bit older. Again, I don't have numbers, but I've heard this in multiple contexts.
(For the record, I was 32 and not for lack of trying. A combination of trauma, indoctrination, awkwardness, and lack of conventional attractiveness will do that.)
I definitely don’t think you have any reason to be ashamed. I personally think 23 is a better number than 17, even though I was closer to the latter than the former. I understand the biological drive, and am not trying to condemn consensual sex before 20, but anyone who thinks 23 is somehow late is - how should I put this? - full of it.
@@jimwilliams3816 the problem in my case is I was in the closet, which combined with AIDS first hitting, delayed anything til me 20's....probably saved my life though!
But that's not unusual in the LGBTQ, and given the high crossover between LGBTQ folks and the spectrum, mean I suspect there is a higher tendency for later first experiences. Also as the first commenter said, there have been studies that shows it's surprisingly late for some, it's not all done at 14-16 as some suggest. Many late bloomers!
I had my first kiss at age 21. And it was still super weird and brief.
@realfingertrouble We must be about the same age. I’m hetero, but I never saw it as strictly a gay risk, and I remember being glad I was prone to monogamy; I’ve only ever had sex with one person. It was a terrible time, and I still feel for the LGBTQ+ community and the devastating effect it had on so many.
16:29 the thing that’s really standing out to me about this situation is that they said at least twice that he won’t “try”. And I think that’s just a fundamental view that needs to change. Like, they’re just assuming he isn’t trying because he isn’t ready at 7:45am. That’s not necessarily true. I’d dare say it probably isn’t true
10:42 Is that also an autism thing, to sing some things without any reason? Because I also pretty often notice that I'm partially singing my inner monologue…
The first guy suffered from a lack of confidence more than anything. Society puts too much pressure on guys I think
BAHAHA the dung beetles pushing a puzzle piece turd!! 😂😂😂
My struggle with the waiting for the Uber couple is that for me as a autistic person I struggle with not getting to places when I feel I need to be there. So while they weren't late for work to me that's not the point. It is that they are not able to get there when expected. I also need time to sit at work before I start work to transition my brain.
Ahh!! I love your earrings, we have matching earrings but mine are pink. :) also- the first one is rough. I wouldn't be able to infer that someone wanted or needed directing, but I'd feel so bad if they ran away. And Im in awe at him being able to say he needed guidance, im usually way too anxious to say i need help at all.
Honestly as a sa survivor i completely understand the first one. And like- idk but maybe you shouldn't judge and like help the person you're doing it with - Evan (The Host)
For the boyfriend who takes too long to get ready, a possible solution is _more_ autistic behavior. Front-load clothing selections. He may not know what he wants to wear until that day, but he can probably put together multiple whole outfits and hang the whole outfit together(so that instead of choosing each piece each day, he's choosing one put-together outfit from many put-together outfits).
The whole outfit can also be hung on the same hanger, so that they can be taken into the bathroom and ready to go the moment he gets out of the shower. Sometimes I even put my belt through the belt loops on my hung-up jeans, and I have a carabiner keychain which I'll attach to one of the belt loops so I don't have to go pick up my keys. And when I'm in a hurry, I'll also put the left sock into the left shoe and the right sock into the right shoe, so I can just know that my socks are ready in my shoes so I can quickly put them on.
Or, if he'd be okay showering at night, that might save a few minutes in the morning. Or he can keep a spare toothbrush and toothpaste at work and brush there in the morning(something I used to do to save time). Moving "getting ready" tasks to different times(to before sleep or to after getting to work) can really help shorten the time it takes to get ready and leave home in the morning.
Hell yes, THIS!!!
Discussing plans ahead of time and forming routines are both processes of psychological preparation. Knowing what exactly will happen is the BEST way to help endure possible oversensitivities since now you already know what to expect.
And WTH does it even mean his wardrobe gives him "oversensitivities"?? Is he given at least one new piece of clothing that he has not seen in his entire life before every single day??? He can't stand wearing clothes he KNEW he owns????
I'm very sorry, that is NOT about being autistic but just pure lack of discipline, using autism as an excuse to avoid growing up.
On the comment of s*x and autism.
There’s this book called S*x is Fun! And it was massively helpful for me. It’s great for communication and also just for helping you prepare and understand what expectations you should have.
The book is probably also helpful for allistic folk I’m just coming from me!
On the second one, I think maybe she should suggest they get ready earlier and while he's doing his routine she can relax and they'll still have the time to get to work when she wants too. I found that I need to get ready at least 2 hours before hand, otherwise I'm rushing and flustered and uncomfortable. So, I start my clock and then kind of leisurely get dressed I take it step by step with a small break in between, and I've found that makes me much more comfortable and I'm generally able to be on time when I need to be somewhere.
oh my goodness are those sucker earrings? Regardless of what they are, they looks great!!
In regards to the content of the video man, I totally understand the sex anxiety
They are indeed 🍭😁
"Society is the asshole" SO true! XD
The squishmallow one from last time will never not feel like abuse to me. I still get mad thinking about it.
I feel bad for everybody this week except the person who is frustrated with their partner changing clothes at the last minute. I feel like there was a lot more going on there, and that their own need to have things a certain way is making them not treat their partner like an equal. Truthfully, at 19 I was a hot mess and was even less likely to be on time than this person’s partner seems to manage, and I have definitely been treated as less than worthy of respect by partners because I struggle with certain aspects of adulting. So I am quite possibly projecting my own hurt and frustration onto the second letter writer somewhat.
1:08, it was the same for me, my first time. However, she did give me some direction. It was very fun, but also stressful, and caused anxiety. We’ve been married now, over twenty years.
I think some people's of idea of what an adult is is really absurd. People just make up stuff and define maturity by superficial arbitrary things so can more easily feel validated that they are proper adult and look down on others. Sometimes people want to take the fun out of life. Sometimes people hate the idea of people supporting and being their for each other and people living life together with others.
This poor guy... geez, I feel bad for him.. 😅
i really love your reddit analysis and would love to see you on a reddit/aita podcast!! i know the host of Two Hot Takes is open to collabs and i think an episode featuring you would be so cool 💕💕
Yes with the high functioning vs high masking. It is frustrating
I cannot afford to have another Patreon membership rn, but I want you to know that I love your content
I think that saying "I am autistic so I can't do anything about it" is not the correct attitude. Sometimes that is true. But sometimes it is just people being closeminded about the posibilities. Few things in life are as complicated as "there is no option".And the thing is, if it is a ritual, maybe you can start 10 minutes before...She is not asking him to stop and be on time. She's like "whatever he does is fine, but be on time".
2:00 😂😂 i absolutely love convos like this bc its great to laugh at the horribly ignorant things we do when we first try something and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And also how we are all different and act/react differently.
I had the same reaction, the two or three times I tried to make out with a (straight) woman. Trying to be intuitive about it is too stressful for me, because I don't know how the other person is feeling if they won't communicate their preferences directly, either ahead of time or in the moment. The conclusion I came to during the last attempt, is that I'm just not cut out to be a "top"...
As an afab who is dominant, I have this problem in reverse. I hate it when men " take control ", but if you're hesitant they just do. " No I don't want your tongue slithering in my mouth like snail, dude." Men have such a hard time communicating what they like without taking control.
its none of their business about my diagnosis if they ask it its cause they dont have they don't think about themselves
For the second story, beside the time it take to get to the destination, i personaly need 15-20 min dedicated to "in case something happen" (barrage, gaz leak, accident, etc. all things who already happen to me), so i still doesn't end up late .
I fully understand her frustration, can't he start preparing sooner to be ready at the time they leave?
Omg. The picking my child's outfit for tomorrow thing is just too relatable!
Just play around without any particular objective. Sex is a process, not a destination.
Totally unrelated but the color coordination of sweater and lollipop is very satisfying! That color looks amazing on you.
My allistic partner said they'd put a skateboard on their head in the store if I ever did that 🥹🥰 but as a suggestion to the clothing issue, he could pick out a handful of outfits to try on before bedtime 🤷🏽♀️
For the second one,, I used to have the exact same problem. I express myself through fashion, so it’s extremely difficult for me when certain pieces of clothing don’t match how I feel at that time. I communicate myself through my outfits. What helped me was to set up a bunch of pre-made outfits in my mind and go through them whenever I need to get dressed. Sometimes I just go with the exact outfit, sometimes I combine certain parts of certain outfits together, it really helps me to have an organised selection of clothing. As for accessories, which are the most important part for me, I associate different accessories with different moods and colour schemes, if I’m feeling neutral I will most likely wear a pearl necklace, if I’m wearing a purple+pink outfit, I’ll wear a blue-ish necklace etc. This technique doesn’t always work for me, as with most solutions, but the times that it does,, it helps a lot! I just thought I’d share this so that anyone else with the same issue may have a fix to their problems.
don't throw away someone's squishmallows without their consent neurodivergent or not it's just asshole behavior period
When you are suggesting something and the person shoots it down quickly, take a step back and think about why. Every time someone lashes out, there is a reason.
Personally I often get very annoyed or dismissive towards my partner when he brigs up my food habits or anything food related, I have a lot of trauma surrounding food + an ASD related eating disorder, and he really cares for me, but the things he suggest or point out is something I have been doing or tried for YEARS without luck, everyone around me have all kinds of tips and tricks but it doesn't help and I'm tired of people not knowing my situation and how it feels, to try and give me advice.
I always tell him that I'm sorry if I lash out, its not an excuse to feel like I do, but he also learned that he cannot give me advice because I have already tried it many times over, and its also frustrating me that I have to be like this.
Unrelated, but I have to mention how this shade of purple suits you so much!! You look wonderful 🥰
Story 1: Jury's out. He has every right to withdraw consent (which is what he did by leaving), but maybe didn't go about it the right way.
Story 2: "YTA", especially since OP could have addressed this issue in a much nicer way.
As someone who struggles not to be late, frequently changing outfits is such a huge part of it for me. I lay out and plan outfits in advance, but it's a crapshoot as to whether or not the fabric isn't sensory hell by the time i wake up and get dressed the next day. Trying to find clothes that are in dress code (for work) while also not feeling like spiders is a near-daily struggle. When the clothes I thought were safe are no longer safe, now I'm fighting a spiral while trying to stay on track under a deadline.
Thankfully my partner is patient and helps me with getting dressed, like dealing with buttons or helping me pull up jeans that are difficult to touch. But her suggestions wouldn't be very helpful if that was the case. Laying out an outfit is a start, but it can go wrong so quickly! And then he's back to changing outfits. So nothing is solved. 😞
as something of a late bloomer myself i really feel for that guy for having to put that disclaimer on himself. it sucks that people can be relentlessly judgmental for "lacking experience" not realizing there could be many factors involved. i don't expect people to know this if they question my own sexual experience but i was abused physically, mentally/emotionally and sexually as a child and its made it extremely difficult to form intimate relationships with anyone so as you can imagine its very sensitive question for me. i'm 34 and still a virgin and not something i admit any pride but i appreciate your non-judgment on the matter so thats why i feel more comfortable admitting that here. i still want to hold out hope that i will find someone who is understanding about my background and is willing to be a little patient with me.
the sims 4 woohoo symbol in the thumbnail took me out 😭😭
Videos like this with your candor and unequivocal acceptance of sex as just a normal part of a lot of people's lives does a lot of the work towards general societal progress on treating sex as thought it isnt a huge deal. You might only have sex a first time once, but likely, youre going into it with the understanding that it probably wont be the last time you have sex with this person or otherwise, so it doesnt need to be anything other than consensual. Even if sex is outright bad, thats a learning experience as long as both people can communicate with each other, and can honestly bring people closer together anyways, making the next time more satisfying, fullfilling, and informed
My outfit solution. Hiking = gray pants, gray shirt, green jacket. Anything else = blue jeans, gray shirt, gray jacket. Perfect every time.
I’m 23 and a virgin and as a guy it scares me trying to date cause plenty of people say it’s fine but only after laughing.
Do yourself a favor. Buy a robot toy. There are replicas of vaginas that you can just get for like 50 dollars. If youre autistic, I dont blame you for failing at a near impossible game that like 1% of people succeed in, but it sort of is a bit embarassing you dont know the feeling. Just, get a machine for cheap and use that. Its what I did.
awesome earnings! violet is such a lovely color.
The comments that he is just a boy because he is just 19 is true. I do think that we all mature at different rates, depending on what we experience. For the most part, we humans are children till about 23-25 years old in our modern times. Some do mature as early as 16 years old, and some never. My dear mom, who is a grandmother of a 31 year old is still very immature in many ways. Now, my youngest is only 13 years old, and Autistic is very mature in many ways. I personally have some dementia. I have painfully put her and I in situations because my brain just shuts down.
My immediate sensory reaction - wonderful jumper!
Thank you!!
I love the sims woohoo icon in the thumbnail lmao
6:45 in my opinion sex should be opt out at any time so you should be able to leave without being an asshole even if its already started
hi I'm autistic and bpd I've self diagnosed bc it's hard to get a diagnosis but I've been studying bpd for 4 yrs and my autistic friend brought to my attention I act very autistic so I watched ur videos and I relate to alot and even scored high on the cat q test. I think I do have bpd as well since my mum (who I don't see anymore bc shes abusive). Also undiagnosed autism can turn into bpd. And I have been bullied my whole life by old friends and even my family. My mum and dad especially for stimming. I would flap my hands and tap surfaces and rock and they would tell me to "pack it in u look stupid stop doing that it's annoying" so I've learnt to mask at a very young age. I even mask when I'm alone bc I feel like someone's watching me so the only time I'm not masking is once a week to see my autistic friend bc I feel safe around her and i think that's why she picked up on it bc she's educated bc she struggles with it herself. I am always in a state of burn out bc my dad makes me do so much work for him bc he is disabled and broke his back in a motorbike accident at 21 so I always have to help and it gets too much but I can't say anything bc he's so dependent on me which my therapists have told me is abusive bc he tells me he can't cope without me and its so hard. Sorry I'm know to ramble and just spew my life story. I just wanted to say thankyou so much for creating this channel it has helped me understand more about autism and myself bc the DSM and Google have such a pin point blank symptoms where if ur autistic u can't POSSIBLY make eye contact which is very misleading and that's one of the examples i thought I wasn't Autistic bc I can make eye contact but I can only hold it for 4 seconds and I look away and repeat the process with internal dialogue in my head. "they're smiling make sure u do to make sure u look interested cross ur hands". Also I have 5 autistic cousins on both side of my family that have been diagnosed. I have 11 cousins I have a feeling I have more autistic cousins but they haven't been diagnosed yet. Like I say I'm so grateful for this channel you make ppl feel like they're not alone. Also I'm 19 and sorry for any typos ❤
I’m sorry for your struggles, that sounds like a lot to deal with. I’d like to say that the way you described the connection between autism and BPD is very good, and I think many professionals would be well served to understand what you have worked out. I am just coming to similar conclusions myself at 62, so I feel impressed by your understanding. I also think that the things you have described about yourself make your self diagnosis sound very valid and correct to me. I hope the things in your life, like coping with parents, get better for you, and I do think your obvious self awareness and understanding will be very helpful to you. I wish I had had 5% of your understanding at your age.
I have difficulty deciding what shirt for work each morning. I resolved the problem by wearing the same colour shirt with small but noticeable details so others know I'm not wearing the same one every day. I put the shirts in order in the cupboard I plan to wear them, and often get my underwear and a pair socks ready the night before as well. It takes away that pressure I don't need in the morning, when I am trying to cope with time issue and anxiety of leaving - even if I decide to choose a different shirt on the day.
Having an ADHD as well, getting organised well in advance sounds like an oxymoron (and I cannot always quite manage it) but it does help. I also aim to leave for work at 6.45 latest, but I have never managed get out before 7 pm. I feel anxious even though I know that I will still most likely be able to get into work on time, unless there is some "event" on the way, like an accident or the road is closed temporarily for a VIP delegate that creates worse traffic jam than usual. Being differently able is no excuse of being late or not causing unnecessary inconvenience and not even trying to find a solution, to meet half way.
You cannot "fix" a neurodivergent brain, but if your boyfriend is able to live normal life without support, then he should also take some responsibility and try to work out strategy that allows him to make small changes in his behaviour. Like getting up earlier to give himself time to choose his outfit and not to be late. If a non-verbal autistic boy in my classroom can learn to ask permission to go to bathroom (a breakthrough of 2 words) instead of just barging out of the room, I strongly believe that your boyfriend is capable of modifying his behaviour!