Does conscious uncoupling work better for Autistic folks?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 14 พ.ค. 2024
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One thing that can make breakups really hard in inter-autistic relationships is when your masks clash and your core personalities don't, particularly if both parties are undiagnosed and unaware. Knowing that the relationship fundamentally *works* on some level but having no language to communicate how when the other person wants to leave is painful.
Being single gets super lonely, but it is PEACEFUL
~so~ peaceful indeed!
Indeed😮
As an Aussie - the “R” in “your” and “romantic” get joined together and we don’t pronounce either “R” in partner.. it would sound like “pah-t-nahh” … if you’re curious hahaha
The vocabulary you use helps me to have a spine when protecting my boundaries. Thank you.
I didn’t know this concept had a word for it. Obviously this is very specific to each relationship, but conscious uncoupling for parents that are divorcing can be a much kinder adjustment for the kids.
This video came at the perfect time for me. Me and my bf are currently going through conscious uncoupling yet we didn't have a word for it and now we do!
I was actually talking to him about how I fear other people's perceptions of us if we were to tell people we're breaking up. One of those fears being judged for "toying" with eachothers emotions, being irresponsible and selfish, unhealthy for not fully breaking up, etc. This is one of the reasons why we intend to keep the reasoning behind our changing dynamic private since we don't want to create unnecessary stress on ourselves or confusion from others.
Anyways, thank you so much for sharing! Learning there's a wors for this has been a game changer for me.
That’s totally understandable. I think it’s easy for others to mistaken it for being indecisive too.
Either way I’m glad you guys are doing it in a way that works for the both of you, and it’s never wrong to protect your own peace when navigating certain things together
Tbh as I've grown older (and also realized I'm aro spec during the pandémique) I've realized I'm happiest by myself. I feel like trying to adjust my entire existence to and being around somebody 24/7 would completely disregulate and burn me out.
Super fair.
Relationships take so much energy and effort when you’re autistic-even if it’s “healthy” & fulfilling
I've been exploring the aro/ace concepts lately and it's been nice to realize that you can legitimately prefer to be by yourself without having to seek out a romantic partnership. Although, many aro/ace people still seem to live with friends or another type of relationship such as a QPP. I've never been in a serious relationship and never felt the need to seek one out, I love my alone time and living with other people is stressful. That's fine with me, though I know I need to work more on maintaining friendships/social connections.
"pandémique" is great! 💜
I have a boyfriend of 13 years and we only lived together during the pandemic shutdowns and just after. So like 2 years maybe.
Just because most people live together doesn't mean that you have to.
When you were talking about abandonment wounds, I thought about how crazy it is that in the neurotypical world we don't have a mechanism for ending relationships without opening such wounds (abandonment, insecurity issues etc) on ourselves and the people we are with. It's almost as if the function of the break up is to wound each other because we couldn't make it together. And I've never thought of it like that before or considered there are ways to not do that.
I mean, we're in a loving relationship, and we want it to go well, we want to meet our needs and the other person's. But sometimes we just can't, we're not a good fit. And then we turn and hurt each other. Why? It doesn't make any sense.
It's nice to know there's a way to separate that's less like butchering the bond, the ties between us, and more like untying the knots together until we're both able to stand on our own feet as full, separate human beings.
Hello! I want to thank you for your help.
I've just been experiencing burnout from my third job, this time at Chipotle, and your video "Managing Autistic Burnout & Meltdowns" is one of the first sources I've seen that explain *why* and *how* certain autistic rituals help me feel fresh. I can now explain the logic behind my behaviors to family and friends, and I think that they can help me better now instead of telling me to just "get over it".
Your videos are so much more practical and positive than most channels and resources for Autistic people. May God bless you, and help you further in your work, because we all know that this kind of advice is important for thriving in an extroverted society. Thank you :)
Wow I wish I'd had this video years ago. My ex and I kinda acted like we were conscious uncoupling while we were going through it but I didn't have any language to communicate my feelings after the breakup. We were stuck in a lease together after many years of relationship, but I had to just watch them immediately move on and never discuss the relationship itself- all while agreeing to say we were "friends." It was awful and I have never felt more abandoned in my life- especially since from my perception, my difficulty controlling my depression was a lot of what led up to our rift. We're still friends/in touch and sometimes I think about how I'd like to discuss things and actually have conversations around it... It seems so important if that relationship is going to continue without resentment. But it's super helpful to hear you talk through this. I love your content, hearing your experiences has made so so many things clear to me as I relate to you in many ways- so thanks for all you do
Younger me would have appreciated it too. 🥲
With every relationship I've been in my partner became my special interest so when we broke up it was difficult to get over it
i feel you. maybe next time, you can try to outsource the interest, kinda guiding it? like, if they like certain things, you could research the things for the things' sake? or when you get to know new ideas or thoughts of them, you could research those, as philosophical concepts or smt - to disconnect the interest gently from the person? :]
but generally, i think it's not bad to be that way. :) it can even help the other person to get to know themselves, when you focus on them so much. :] maybe find smo who's needing exactly that? smo to help them find themselves and guide them on their journey? so you can share this interest together ^^
I've noticed that in friendships it's typically accepted as normal to just gradually drift apart when the friendship has outlived itself, and always wondered why the same doesn't seem to be true for romantic relationships. It's like there's some rule in society that romantic relationships HAVE to end with a ton of drama, fighting, and/or an official declaration that the relationship is over.
maybe due to how the media portraits it?
Maybe due partly to physical expectations.
That category thing for boundaries would’ve helped me a lot lol I just be sharing everything with everybody not realizing there are socially acceptable things for different groups ie. coworkers, friends, family 😭😭
This makes so much sense. I tend to build a connection like "this is my person now and I want to be around them all the time" and it sucks when it ends. It's always been the other person ending things and I never have a full understanding. It's like one second I think things are fine and then next, they want nothing to do with me. I probably miss the signs that the end is nearing from autism, but it's a sudden unpredictable change in routine and I hate it
My parents did this when I was younger, they told me mid gaming session (smite) that they were getting a divorce. Over the next couple years while I moved out for college they lived separately but continued to meet up like nothing ever happened, at least to a 16-19 year old who never had any relationships! Now I can realize they there were definetley underlying issues but love most of all!… I always admired how they loved each other regardless of frustration/problems in their own lives… just as people not parents. They are now back together! There is no rule to relationships.. especially when it comes to roles in the home, both of them brought things to the relationship to better each other, truly soul mates 😊
Ps love your videos I send them to my partner to help 😊
You've articulated this idea really well! It does make sense to me. I broke up with my partner of 7 years, who I had moved countries to be with, nearly two years ago now. We did something similar- due to logistics of me living in his country, we lived together platonically for some months after the break up. He had already planned his annual days off for that summer, so instead of it going to waste, we also took a trip together as platonic friends. It wasn't quite like you describe your conscious uncoupling in this video, but definitely something similar. I remember feeling confused/offended that his family was telling him it was unhealthy that we still lived in the same place together, only two months after we went from romantic to platonic. Why is the rest of the world in such a rush? Thank you for your content Irene, it always resonates.
Sad to see there are many ways someone stays alone for so long
I as never having a relationship after all myself have been pretty convinced that being alone was just it for me, a mindset that pretty much stuck with me since before high school
Cut to me in the present at the starting line of the 20s, that mindset is not so drastic anymore but i've already learned to prioritize work and school because that's all i've known to do, even at the expense of my chances out there
You are my inspiration for starting my own autism advocacy podcast! Thank you for being so authentic! 💛
Both my gf and me are neurodivergent (probably autistic, it is vers obvious, but diagnosed adhd) and it is so difficult for me to structure my routine to be efficient in every aspect of my life and it can be draining, but I could not imagine a day without her
Breath work is so powerful! Another tool I recommend people to learn is energy work so they cleanse their energy bodies everyday to clear other people’s energy and surroundings from their energy space, so important. I do reiki and it has been the most empowering tool for me as a sensitive (undiagnosed autistic and possibly adhd) also grounding is important to be stronger and have more energy
I didnt think that hearing you saying out loud the difficulties that come with moving after a break up, the different furniture, bathroom, things not being in the usual place, would make me cry but here i am. I didn't realize this is something i delt with during my breakup over the last few months. Thank you for describing this struggle, i think its helping me work through some more emotions i didnt realize i'd hidden from myself.
i wish i had known about this years ago. When in 2017 my first relationship ended, after years of being together and having shared my teenage and young adult years with this person, i was crushed. i almost didn't survive the break up, even though I thought it was necessary to break up, for both of us. 2019 we tried getting back together, processed alot of what worked and didn't work, but ultimately the differences were to big and we ended up splitting up again, after only talking about it for one weekend...
the following years were horrible... only four years later, 2023, I slowly started to recover and i am still not done, because I need to more consciously confront the emotions and thoughts - also for the sake of my current relationships; because I am deeply terrified of ever experiencing a break up again, to the point of panic and dissociation, when my relationships are struggling.
this video is so great... i'll share it with my whole neurodivergent crew, so we can learn from it and spread it and have less people go through what I had to go through.
genuinely: thank you.
My boyfriend and I broke up after almost 4 years of relationship and living together. We both still love eachother and have no resentment. But i was having an incredibly hard time accepting that he would have to move out, so we've been accidentally doing concious uncoupling. I was doing incredible amounts of fight or flight but also felt very fearful that we will never talk again but i couldnt vocalise it. It has still burnt down everything I've built up. I had to stop doing uni and all my routines broke down. At the moment i dont even feel like i can build it up again
Really interesting. This is mostly a female/AFAB autistic trait I presume? Due to social conditioning… cause there’s so much content on wives of autistic men and the men are doing none of this, quite the opposite in fact. Sounds like gender differences in allistics except to a greater degree and has more impact. The cut off and no contact is a very avoidant/individualistic approach, which has become synonymous with masculinity, typical of our society, not dealing with endings, grief and loss.
I don't know what content of neurotypical wives with autistic husbands you have seen, but what I usually see is the wife getting bored of him and/or some double empathy problem, and then she just dumps him, not rarely against his will and to the detriment of the children. They've even invented a term for that: "Cassandra syndrome"...which is basically one-sided conscious uncoupling where the man gets blamed for everything and can't win. But in the bigger picture, it really just is marrying a person that doesn't fit because of the false belief that you need to get married by X age...which is genuinely dangerous. Every society in the world kinda teaches you that without a marriage and family you must be a second-class person, and this ideology tends to be so compelling that it drowns out all warnings against choosing an uncompatible partner. People absolutely go into bad relationships a lot because they don't want to be lonely anymore...and then get hurt when the relationship doesn't turn out in the way it has been advertised.
i'm male and i've gone the irene way with multiple partners before..
it just felt more aligned with my self and also the way i connect with others, in fact, i had to learn the hard way that not all kinds of people appreciate the slow breakup process..
or they might appreciate it on the surface but just get more confused so it doesn't do good in the end. i try to respect this as well since then
well of course this kind of confusion has a higher chance in less developed relationships so
anyway, grieving a relationship is so much cooler when you can show respect and appreciation towards each other and the times spent together etc
Very interesting. I had never heard that term before but that’s exactly what I’m on the middle of right now. I’m in my mid 60’s and have had several big breakups in my life but this does feel much more gentle. My partner and I co-own a business on our property and at this stage of our lives, after being together for 10 years, we are both feeling too vulnerable and worn out to race into a physical breakup. There have been days on end when we barely interact but we each have our own space which is our safe zone and we realize that we both need this right now. When we’re feeling more regulated, we’re able to converse and process. He went on a business/personal trip for 3 weeks and that gave us some time to process alone which also turned out to be a good thing. He’s back now and after the first week after his return, things have smoothed out and we’ve been able to enjoy more activities together. I hope that this helps some of you. ❤
I love this perspective and hope for a better way to separate while still being a loving person. Just being able to stay a caring and safe space for and with someone and still being able to go the separate ways. It makes the thought of relationships seems less daunting. I always want to be a safe space in all ways because how i do one thing is how i do everything.
Same for me and met a lot of autistic people who said the same. I really like how you explain these subjects, because before I had more autistic friends, I felt like I was alone in the world with these difficulties or aspects of me. So I'm sure your videos will help a lot of autistic people who aren't lucky to have autistic friends.
2:15 Australian here, pronounced it pretty fast and was surprised when you mentioned that somebody should say it in an Australian accent
You speak so eloquently thank you for helping me understand myself even more
there was so much wisdom in this and it hit me deeply as i try to find my own way.
you made this at the perfect time. i've recently been using your videos to navigate events in my life & this topic specifically has been something ive been trying to articulate with a past partner. thank you for making these amazing videos, they're so helpful for neurodivergent folks like myself
9:32 ive lived in my new place post breakup for over 6 months now, still absolutely broke down sobbing last night bc i was so sad i couldnt use the utensils i used to use at my old house. really weird what hits you.
id love a video on getting through a break up without the luxury of conscious uncoupling 🥲
Yessss literally this is soooo accurate! I recently broke up with my partner of 4 years and we've been having to live together until our lease ends ~ for 3 months. There was one other time, about a year ago, where we broke up for a couple of days and I was completely unhinged mentally and in constant meltdown mode, it was so unbearable that I opted to get back to together. I realized now it was because I wouldve had to quit my job and leave our home as quickly as possible and move back with my family (not a good environment) vs this time being a slow process and transition. Still living together has allowed me to take time to process everything and properly move through my emotions without being thrown into my whole life changing immediately just like you talk about. I feel so much more ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lease and transitioning to living alone. Mentally, I've been able to let go of the future I thought was there and slowly realize and connect with my new future now. As we've been going through the phases of grief, there's been ups and downs, but we've actually been able to clear the air and share our feelings and really process why the break up is necessary but that we still care for each other as people. If I would've just left immediately, there would still be so much things not talked about and so much resentment and unprocessed feelings between us. Staying in each other's lives during this period has really been such a blessing in the end.
The phoenix thing is so true! I have a phoenix tattoo for this reason
Thank you so much for your support ... Super insightfull and I agree with you, sudden breakup leave a tremendous mess compared to slow uncoupling! ❤
Irene - I'm literally at the moment going trough a breakup from a first serious adult relationship (during which i was diagnosed with AuDHD, and have been thinking trough a lot of things now). This video connected so many separate thoughts for me and I'm so so so thankful that it came to me at this particulate time. I feel so lost and like I don't know myself anymore, I was thinking that did I subconciously become less self concious, but this pattern thing speaks to me so loud. I knew this was going to be a big change, but I didn't think I'd feel so lost, when I always felt like I could be authentically me with my ex. Our breakup was mutual and not chaotic at all, and sometimes that kind of breakup feels harder to deal with, than one with resentment. Sadness and grief are such debilitating emotions, that I also had to take time off of work to try to get myself somehow regulated again.
I am infinitely thankful for this video and the point of views you provide for your audience, I hope you know I really do mean that. So much love to you Irene ❤️ I live in finland and I love the one saying where you say "toivon sinulle myötätuulta" which translates to "i hope you have tailwind in life" and means that they hope you have good luck in life ✨❤️
Also a fun fact, Irene is a fairly common first name here too and I think it's a beautiful name
Another great video that articulates and validates a pattern in my life I noticed after my last break up which was particularly painful that it sent me down the road to figuring myself out (including neurodivergence, nervous system dysregulation, etc) and because I was determined to never go through such a painful pattern in my life again if I could help it.
Would love to hear and learn more about your experience on this! It all absolutely makes so much sense to me compared to the typical cold cut-off.
I resonated with this so heavily!!
I will keep commenting on every video for the algorithm 🤍😂
I needed this ❤
I somehow miss a note about abuse relationships. But what you can do is “uncouple “ /detach yourself from a toxic person slowly even if the other won’t join in the process. Then the break up seems sudden to a third but you were actually working on it for a long time to finally be able to take your stuff and run.
I've been feeling this intensely with a recent relationship that shifted from romantic to platonic and haven't been able to articulate it
so you think its harder for autistic people to let go of the memories with others like relationships? do you think thsi applies also to the little things that bother autistic people like getting a bad grade and cant let go of this etc?
You have perfect timing on your video topics lol currently going through a break up and this was both validating and educational tysm Irene :)
ive been watching for a year I had no idea your name was Irene
Just say your name every time “Hi you guys, Irene here!”
I've been single for 6 years Remember I've been break up twice Our relationship doesn't last As Long though but I've been having some Good times with my ex-partner And I still missed that
i love this video
The sentence "they're your romantic partner" in an Aussie accent only has one "R" sound in it haha
I gotta do it cold turkey. No one can take better care of me than me.
This video made me so emotional, Im hardcore on "clean" no contact type of breakups. I don't talk to my exes, and enforces strong boundaries bc I want to think it's healthier to not let it linger, and also because I get so vulnerable and people pleasing that Im scared of being manipulated and used in that state. So I tend to be overprotective, also cause it's only been much shorter relationships where the other acted hurtful or was incompatible. And it makes me not trust that they have my best interest at heart. Only twice was I able to have a tender prolonged closure, but I have a victim mindset that would make me feel like I been taken advantage of, for even gently separating from a lover who betrayed me. Even if I acted with consent, I have such strong mixed feelings that it doesn't always feel consensual. I don't know how to explain that feeling, of being hurt, resentful but very enmeshed and codependent at the same time. Breakups are so draining, but Im grateful to know that there's not just one way to do it. Thank you so much for this video, that enables me to act more fragile and human. I also think I thought it was the normal juman thing to cut off things abruptly, and I just repeated that, but that's not what I want
Sadly we live in a time where man and woman are at each others throats especially on social media. All thanks things like paranoia and disillusion.
Don’t all people (autistic or not) go through all of the same adjustments?