Welcome Everyone... It is 2024 and I am well aware that I have not given the channel the attention it deserves. A lot has happened since the last time I spoke about my autism so a short update is in order. In 2023 I started and finished my EMDR to deal with childhood traumas and clear some of the anger I felt towards my parents and society. The UWV has done my medical chech up and decided that I can only work limited hours and limited the professions I should do. The relationship with my parents has improved, though not always smooth, there have been no real big serious arguments lasting for days or weeks. So far so good... However... Ill be honest... I am struggling at the moment. It is hard... for several reasons... First thing you need to realize is that the reason I started the journey was to find out what was wrong with me. Why I always had arguments with my parents, why I didnt understand society and more why questions. Sure... I had a hard time keeping a job... I have some questionable fetishes... and I have a tendency to not oversee the consequences of my actions... however... Those things never really bothered me on an emotional level... it happened, it happens, I enjoy it... so who cares. I take risks sexually and with my dating habits... others climb a mountain without safeties... both questionable, but its your own risk and nobody should really have to care. We live in a country where you are free to make the wrong choice and bad descisions. What I am trying to say here is that I never considered "getting better" when I was on my quest to find out what was wrong with me... sure bad things happened in my life, but bad things happen for everyone.. right? I never realised the impact getting an official diagnose would have on my life... I actually never considered "getting better" or throwing my life around in an attempt to deal with life better. My main goal was to find the answer why things were hard and hopefully be able to improve my relationship with the persons I care most for, my parents. I never asked or wanted to work less hours (and earn less as a consequence. I never asked to be told that the work I was good at doing isnt right for me. Sure ... I had expected some help, guidance and assistance... which I got from my ambulant caretaker, but to say it bluntly... I feel like I am being forced to change more then I initially intended or prepared for. Which takes me to my second point... When I did my EMDR one of the main, recuring, paterns that created my unresolved traumas is that due to things happening in my childhood I lost grip on what I want and who I want to be. I learned to choose what people expected me to choose... What I thought my parents wanted me to choose... WHat I thought society wanted me to choose and even the few things I choose to do myself, my sexual adventures and fetishes, turned out that risky and careless as response to the stress and pressure such a forced life brought me... however as mentioned earlier... that was not a part of my life I had actually thought about, let alone wanting to change when I started. And now I need to discover what I want... and I have no clue... I know I never wanted changes this big as I accepted my life being as it was. I was unhappy with relationship issues, but I never considered having a breakdown every now and then as something bad. Surely.. everyone has their bad days or periods every now and then... and I accepted that as being part of my life. This raises the question... why would I not want a normal life where I have less meltdowns, more time to recover of the daily stress and attempt to rediscover myself. Which brings me to the third point... I do and I dont... To be honest... I stopped caring about my future when I decided to throw caution in the wind and take the risk of becoming HIV positive... This, to me, is a big red button to end it all... No matter what I do... no matter how fucked up my life might get... no matter where I would end up... I know its final when I decide it will be. And it is this mindset which actually allowed me to do the things I did... to endure the stress en pressure I felt... to be careless with and about my sexual exploits... And which has now become an obstacle for me in order to properly motivate myself to change... Because why? Because the world is such a happy place? Because I enjoy not being allowed to do the work I liked to do and was good at? Because I enjoy throwing my ambitions in the garbage? I have no idea... Having lived life from one event to another... looking not further then the next appointment made... from one gig to another... It was far from ideal and changing that mindset, that way of thinking, that approach to life is hard. However... I never shyed away from things being hard... Schema Therapy is next on the list and should be a way to help me change my paterns and thought paterns. Though I feel I am having a hard time with my life as is, I also realize that I can not turn back time. I can not step of this path I am on now and seeing it through to the end... whatever that end may turn out to be. I would like to end this short update that slightly omnious ending. I will go deeper into specific points and topics I discussed in a future video if there are genuine questions or specific topics that you viewers want me to discuss. I will try to give more updates this year... Please hit the like and subscribe button and i hope to see you in another video.
Its amazing to hear you're getting the help you need and deserve, though change is scary. It's not fair that you're forced not to work in the job you enjoyed, but this rest could be a very useful tool in your journey? Maybe, who knows? Cheering you on and wishing u the best❤❤
Welcome Everyone... It is 2024 and I am well aware that I have not given the channel the attention it deserves. A lot has happened since the last time I spoke about my autism so a short update is in order. In 2023 I started and finished my EMDR to deal with childhood traumas and clear some of the anger I felt towards my parents and society. The UWV has done my medical chech up and decided that I can only work limited hours and limited the professions I should do. The relationship with my parents has improved, though not always smooth, there have been no real big serious arguments lasting for days or weeks. So far so good...
However... Ill be honest... I am struggling at the moment. It is hard... for several reasons...
First thing you need to realize is that the reason I started the journey was to find out what was wrong with me. Why I always had arguments with my parents, why I didnt understand society and more why questions. Sure... I had a hard time keeping a job... I have some questionable fetishes... and I have a tendency to not oversee the consequences of my actions... however... Those things never really bothered me on an emotional level... it happened, it happens, I enjoy it... so who cares. I take risks sexually and with my dating habits... others climb a mountain without safeties... both questionable, but its your own risk and nobody should really have to care. We live in a country where you are free to make the wrong choice and bad descisions.
What I am trying to say here is that I never considered "getting better" when I was on my quest to find out what was wrong with me... sure bad things happened in my life, but bad things happen for everyone.. right? I never realised the impact getting an official diagnose would have on my life... I actually never considered "getting better" or throwing my life around in an attempt to deal with life better. My main goal was to find the answer why things were hard and hopefully be able to improve my relationship with the persons I care most for, my parents. I never asked or wanted to work less hours (and earn less as a consequence. I never asked to be told that the work I was good at doing isnt right for me. Sure ... I had expected some help, guidance and assistance... which I got from my ambulant caretaker, but to say it bluntly... I feel like I am being forced to change more then I initially intended or prepared for.
Which takes me to my second point... When I did my EMDR one of the main, recuring, paterns that created my unresolved traumas is that due to things happening in my childhood I lost grip on what I want and who I want to be. I learned to choose what people expected me to choose... What I thought my parents wanted me to choose... WHat I thought society wanted me to choose and even the few things I choose to do myself, my sexual adventures and fetishes, turned out that risky and careless as response to the stress and pressure such a forced life brought me... however as mentioned earlier... that was not a part of my life I had actually thought about, let alone wanting to change when I started.
And now I need to discover what I want... and I have no clue... I know I never wanted changes this big as I accepted my life being as it was. I was unhappy with relationship issues, but I never considered having a breakdown every now and then as something bad. Surely.. everyone has their bad days or periods every now and then... and I accepted that as being part of my life. This raises the question... why would I not want a normal life where I have less meltdowns, more time to recover of the daily stress and attempt to rediscover myself.
Which brings me to the third point... I do and I dont... To be honest... I stopped caring about my future when I decided to throw caution in the wind and take the risk of becoming HIV positive... This, to me, is a big red button to end it all... No matter what I do... no matter how fucked up my life might get... no matter where I would end up... I know its final when I decide it will be. And it is this mindset which actually allowed me to do the things I did... to endure the stress en pressure I felt... to be careless with and about my sexual exploits... And which has now become an obstacle for me in order to properly motivate myself to change... Because why? Because the world is such a happy place? Because I enjoy not being allowed to do the work I liked to do and was good at? Because I enjoy throwing my ambitions in the garbage? I have no idea... Having lived life from one event to another... looking not further then the next appointment made... from one gig to another... It was far from ideal and changing that mindset, that way of thinking, that approach to life is hard.
However... I never shyed away from things being hard... Schema Therapy is next on the list and should be a way to help me change my paterns and thought paterns. Though I feel I am having a hard time with my life as is, I also realize that I can not turn back time. I can not step of this path I am on now and seeing it through to the end... whatever that end may turn out to be.
I would like to end this short update that slightly omnious ending. I will go deeper into specific points and topics I discussed in a future video if there are genuine questions or specific topics that you viewers want me to discuss. I will try to give more updates this year... Please hit the like and subscribe button and i hope to see you in another video.
Its amazing to hear you're getting the help you need and deserve, though change is scary. It's not fair that you're forced not to work in the job you enjoyed, but this rest could be a very useful tool in your journey? Maybe, who knows?
Cheering you on and wishing u the best❤❤
Dankjewel voor de update! Blij om te horen dat de relatie met je ouders langzaam maar zeker aan het verbeteren is 👍