If BOTH of my sisters slept with my husband, they would be dead to me. OP, you DID protect your daughter by WAITING to tell her the truth until she was older. Anyone who blames the truth tellers is insanely toxic.
That bizarre mentality that the person who was cheated on should help the cheater save face with the family only serves to protect the bad guy and make the good guy seem like they could be to blame for ending their relationship. OP's daughter is 16, so that's plenty old enough for her to decide who she wants in her life. That may change over time, but why would any decent person want that a guy in their life who cheated with multiple siblings of their partner? Just cuz they share DNA doesn't mean jack. He's scum and she sees it.
So, remember the other day, the story about the brother cheating with OP's ex and the daughter inviting him to her wedding? Remember all the idiots defending them? This is how a supportive family should act. This is how a decent daughter would act after finding out how horrible her aunts are
@@axepagode33626 there were details in the comments of that post. OP had responded to someone that shortly after the infidelity was discovered, brother and ex were openly sleeping together just to make OP feel bad about it, and THEN OP had gave his parents the ultimatum before he had moved out. And then how they had a relationship with OP’s daughter showed that it wasn’t about healing at all
There is SO much ick in that story. She married a 31 year old at 18..meaning they obviously "dated" while underage if not immediately after...and one of the sisters is OP's younger sister so even if OP wasn't underage(which still doesn't make it right) that sister DEFINITELY was. Dude's a groomer
@@Mewse1203 yeah, major creep vibes, it kinda feels like he's got something deeper going on. My dad was 21 when my mother got pregnant at 14 (she pursued him, and got pregnant by her own choice, then again 2x later on in her teens so fully understand what she was doing) but all us kids have decided, as he was open and acknowledged it wasn't the best choice, that we didn't approve of this behaviour but he is now a really good guy who would do anything for his kids. Mind you, the only person he had a relationship with aside from my mother is another woman (his age) but he couldn't make it work as he still loved my mother too much even more than 2 decades later. The way the ex in this story was soo gross, how can you not tell someone is 16 (stated they dated for 2 years before marriage) when they work at a bar/ together or even just talk a while. No mention of high school, getting your licence, school events, after school aspirations? He should have broken it off the second he found out he was with a minor and certainly should not have even looked at the younger sisters.
The person who pointed out that the daughter is the same age as OP was when they started dating made such a GOOD point - and the daughter will probably make that connection and have another reason to not want to be with him
Story 1: NTA. Look, it sucks that she doesn’t want a relationship with her Father anymore, but if he was so concerned about this he should have taken the steps to make sure this never happened in the first place. And what your Sister did WAS manipulative. When she’s an adult your Daughter can talk to whoever she wants but talking to her behind your back is not only not okay, it’s not going to “Mend fences”.
Cheating daddy hasn't changed a bit, if he's trying to blame OP. Guess he thinks lying should be second-nature to OP, just like himself? His dirty secret was going to come out eventually. So he can suck it up and lie in the bed he made.
It’s really refreshing to read a story where the family is actually on the WRONGED person’s side and not on the cheaters side and wanting everyone to “forgive and be the bigger person”. NTA Op, if you HAD lied to your daughter that could have really damaged your relationship with her, you sound like a great mom and a great person, i wish you all the best
Yeah, lying is a betrayal of trust just like the cheating. When I caught out my hitherto honest ex in a lie, she claimed it was "to make me feel better." I told her if she wanted to make me feel better then stop f***ing lying to me!
First story: that "man" is disgusting and found the perfect family to mess with. I'm glad the daughter is breaking the cycle and not giving into his manipulation.
Yes, because nothing improves a young woman's life and gets her to make good decisions like fucking daddy issues./end sarcasm Op had the right of it. He was no great shakes as a man and a terrible husband. That does not mean he could not be a good dad and by all appearances he was. Hopefully the daughter will come to terms with that whole hero/villain dichotomy and just accept her dad for what he is. The alternatives are all worse for her. She should be OK either way as she has had 12 or 14 years of a decent (if not ideal) dad. This looks like a rare case were OP appears to have done everything right and has behaved like a rational and emotionally balanced person with the best interest of her daughter in mind. I was particularly impressed with how she told her daughter that she doesn't have to be angry on her behalf. That is another thing that few 16 year olds have wrapped their head around. Just because people close to you get into a conflict does not mean you have to pick a side or even join in. You handle your own relationship and let other people handle theirs. If that girl is as level headed as her mother she should come out just fine.
1) OP's parents did not fail nor enable the relationship. They were smart enough not to fight her on this because if they did then ex-husband would use their fight to isolate her and make her believe that they want to control her. OP's parents played it smart and careful, not giving ex-husband any kind of ammo to isolate OP. They made should she was comfortable no matter how uncomfortable they were. 100% Grade A Parents
Exactly. How many stories have we heard just on Reddit (discounting every other outlet) about parents attempting to “put their foot down” with their very young adult children and ending up driving them away? OPs parents did the right thing, no matter how hard it was on them to see her making bad choices. OP is also doing a great job with her own daughter by giving her space to make up her own mind.
I still think they’re wrong for never saying they were against the relationship and pointing out the red flags. They can still be supportive, while also pointing out the flaws in the relationship. They enabled the relationship
@@TipTheScales27 we don't know they didn't. By OPs admission they did in fact let it be know they thought there were red flags. They just didn't press the issue. I guess owing to the fact that technically she was an adult (18) when they met and 20 when she married him. Can't "enable" anything really you just have to be available as support for when the whole thing implodes. Which is precisely what they did.
Also OP was pretty young and tend to pretty impulsive when it comes to relationship. There was a theory called the Romeo and Juliet affect when sometimes the more parents dislike a person's partner, the more they like them. If they had expressed disapproval, people would be like "She's 18 and she can do what she wants blah blah."
Story 3: so let me get this straight, she refuses to eat anything you cook so you tell her to make her own food and your ex and mom thinks that's a form of starvation? No, if her ungrateful butt doesn't like what you have to make she can make her own food, you did everything right, she can be mad, I don't know why she's mad, but she can be if she wants.
Yeah, this story is missing some giant parts that Op is not telling us. Something is going on in the household. Something not so nice. I'm going to withhold just judgment because the daughter has reasons for her actions.
I started not liking my mother’s food in high school (my brother and dad had weight issues, so she almost never used salt and sugar when she could cut it - much to the detriment of my tastebuds, and, yes, she’d get mad if I wanted to add salt to MY food). We thankfully could afford extra food money, so I would get my own stuff when I could and cooked myself. At least this mom tried to make food her daughter liked.
Story 1: Anyone else amazed that wider family immediately put the two sisters on social function ban for OP without her asking. Usually they are trying to keep/make peace. OP has good family except for the sisters and husband.
I'd have a good chat with the Ex husband and his wife. What IS Erin eating at their place? Is she eating at all? Outright refusing food from her mother is another kind of red flag = anorexia? Has someone noticed Erin losing weight and she's replied "My mother won't cook for me"? rather than telling the truth, which is "I won't eat her food"? Something else going on here....
@@Kayenne54 Yeah, I can't help but feel the daughter is lying. If I did that, my parents would be like "Then make your own food" which as a picky eater when I was a teen, I did. Imagine having your mom make you food just to whine about it.
@@calico_queen8976 This is BS how so many kids are dictating what they're going to eat. Mom made dinner, sit your butt down and eat. My daughter did that 1 time. Made her dig 20 holes for fence post for trying that crap. She never said anything about any food put on the table again.
Totaly wrong, it had nothing to do with food. Mike is her father, the food is an excuse to have more time with her father and his New wife. It is something New and exciting. She used food because she doesn't want to hurt mum with the fact that she likes dads New wife. Mum needs to be ok that daughter can have two woman in her life to love and like.
Erin story: Growing up my mother had a plaque in the center of the table that said, "Come to the table and take a look, first to complain is tomorrow's cook."
Problems story: theres a good phrase that works perfectly here: just because you're not being nice, doesnt mean you're being mean. OP has no obligation to listen to her vent. He may have had some of that as her partner but they broke up because she knows he doesn't do that. She shouldn't be bringing problems to him unless she needs his help with a solution even generally but more so because she knows he doesnt like it. He isn't her friend or confidant. He is her EX and co-parent. If she has a problem that needs a solution, she should bring it to him but expecting him to be a sympathetic ear when she knows he has made that a boundary is an asshole move. And I take exception to the point that it is bad communication. I thought he communicated his boundary really well. "We are not friends and are no longer dating. I do not want to hear about your problems unless you're asking for a solution." That is REALLY good communication. Making him aware of an issue withhis daughter is one thing. Not accepting hus solution and then making him listen to her complain about it is just frankly annoying. He is not required to provide emotional support. No one has to listen to otger people complain and NO ONE likes doing so when you've told that person a way to fix tge problem and they'd rather complain than take a rational solution. He doesn't have to listen to her complaints just because they're coparents.
Agree 100% plus he gave a solution and her response was that she didn't want them watching the child during her time. What happens when her family has something going on during his time with his kid
I'm not sure that what she is doing. I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem She is right in that the childcare situation is information OP should have because the child worrying behavior that is causing a lot of the issue is something he needs to be aware The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby. and she's also right that having his family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue. If nothings done what happens when she goes to school? Is this a sign that the daughter might have a deeper issue that they need to address? OP is ignoring all that and focusing on the part that he can "Fix"
@@sfsin3380 I agree that is a conversation that needs to happen. However, that's not at all what she was doing. She was not trying to talk about deeper issues. She is literally just venting her frustration. I'm going to quote what was said "She said I was being an asshole and she just wanted a sympathetic ear, that she needs to talk about her problems sometimes." She then said "this is why we broke up" and OP agreed and asked why would he listen to her problems now that they're broken up when he wasn't willing to do so in their relationship (editors note: he is not a good partner but that has no bearing here.) That is a far cry from what you're talking about. She was just looking for someone to vent to. Like I said, the conversation you detailed definitely needs to happen, but to say that was her intention is way off the mark. Now, is OP a reliable narrator? Who knows. He seemed to lay the parts of him that were an asshole bare so I'm inclined to say he is probably reporting accurately to the best of hus memory. From what we have, it seems her only intention was to have someone to listen to her problems, something she is very well aware OP won't do.
@@Mewse1203 As has been pointed out she did already know OP wasn't someone who she could rely on to listen to her problems, yet she expected him to anyway...why ? No, she was telling him her problem with affording childcare because she wanted him to step in and offer to pony up the extra money. She wasn't venting as she claimed, she was fishing for extra cash.
Story 2: Back when I was a nanny I had a boss that was more insecure than a bank vault someone left wide open. If I wore clothes that hugged my body even the tiniest bit (I dressed normally; jeans or jean shorts, flannel shirts, graphic tees, if anything I dressed more like a boy) she would tell me to cover up as she was convinced anyone who dressed like that was trying to steal her husband. Her husband is twice my age and showed zero interest in me. YTA, OP.
Last story: OP is NTA. He did listen! The first time. After that it was just ongoing complaints. How is he obligated to pretend interest to something that she won't let him help fix?
Because it's reddit and men are always the AH if they aren't doing everything in their power and beyond to make the woman happy, even when she's in the wrong.
I don't think OP did listen I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem and is focusing on the part he can "Fix" The childcare situation is information OP should have because the child worrying behavior that is causing part of the issue and that behavior and the problems it is causing something he needs to be aware of. The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby. Having his family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea in general but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue.
@@sfsin3380either way it's not his problem. They're not in a relationship anymore, so she should look for someone else for emotional support. Her struggles are not his problem anymore.
1st story: NTA. It is the daughters choice and the consequences of the actions of the adults. I'm proud op told her daughter the truth because if she had created a lie, she would have become a villain as well. The sisters and ex are trash. A 30 year old man that dated an 18 year old and also acts childish....red flag. Pretty much an immature man who targets young ignorant women.
The Nanny story: Did OP plan to pay enough for the nanny to own and maintain a “professional” wardrobe? That job would be a hard pass for me, too-not because I like wearing leggings, but because I don’t like working for bosses who are unreasonably controlling. She’s going to be minding young children, not working at a bank.
The person was being interviewed, I assume wasn't hired, so the discussion of dress code wasn't brought up after they were caring for the OP's children. Any employer can set out expectations, dress code, working hours etc. If the interviewee doesn't accept that then they don't get hired. I suspect that the OP as a lawyer earns more than a trainer (I work as a trainer) that she is the one paying the majority of the fees, so with discussion holds the overall veto on who gets hired.
I think OP is right to look out for her family first and not allow temptation a chance to enter. She doesn't want an unrelated female dressed skimpy. We don't know how tight the nanny clothes were, nor the cut of the cleavage. Op mentioned skin tight. You can still be active and comfortable looking after children while not wearing tight work out clothing. Do it all day as a mom. I also worry about freak accidents or uncaring caregivers. Nanny will learn to adjust her presentation because parents will put their kids first over her freedom of expression. The clothing issue is part of a checklist to ensure a safe environment. Op is putting her baby's life in the hands of this stranger.
@@calamity0.o Did you read that the fact that she is worried about the Nanny's choice of clothing is because of her husband and son. Meaning that the Nanny in OP's opinion should dress like somebody who works at a bank or is a nun. She also seems like the kind of person that would victim shame a woman who was raped. If I had been that nanny, I would have turned OP down too. Oh, yeah, you're talking about skimpy clothing, the nanny wasn't wearing a mini skirt and crop top, she was wearing a sweater and leggings, no skin was showing.
@@calamity0.o If OP is that worried about a Strange Female In Tight Clothing in her house and around her husband, she should quit her job and be a full time mother, and never allow her husband our of the house again lest he be tempted by those Sinful Temptresses In Yoga Pants. If her husband wants to fuck around on her, he's gonna find a way to do it.
Finally, an OP's parents to actually support the wronged party even if both who hurt her were also their parents. The disturbing thing is how both of her sister's were willing to backstab OP and only stopped when they realized they weren't the only side pieces. Disgusting.
Story one: she was 23 and he was 36 when she gave birth. And that's not even including how long they were together before she got pregnant. We need to teach our young girls to avoid men so much older than them. There is a reason he's going for a woman who is barely legal to drink: he's a controlling monster who preys on naive young women
Agreed. I work with people leaving abusive relationships. Now of course not every relationship with an age difference ends in abuse. Some are very happy. But there's nothing wrong with making sure people understand that statistically and in reality a lot of times these relationships are very coercive in many times they are abusive. Especially because she was so young when she met him.
Going for a woman who is barely legal to drink? He was going GIRLS who werent legal. He was OBVIOUSLY dating her while she was underage.. They were MARRIED for FIVE YEARS at the time she divorced him at 23...
As soon as I saw the age I started calculating straightaway. Divorced when he was 44 and she was 23 and was married for 5 year so she was married from 18 and he was 39. So unless that she didn't give the right age at start but it is still alarming
@@MissJordanna1 she confirms later. She was 16 and he was 28 when they started dating. Because of that, I'm not sure how much I can blame the sister's for the "affair" he was an adult with unfettered access to groo. 2 minors for sure if not all 3. Even if the older sister wasn't a minor, she wasn't that much older and still vulnerable. I don't care what other people say 18 isn't some magic number where you automatically become an adult. Just because we've made that line arbitrary legally doesn't mean that the person is any more mature from day 365 of their 17th to day one of their 18th birthday. They are still just kids. Edit: changed age typo from 26 to 16
ROFLOL, is everyone nuts. If she was 23 she was not some girl child. I hear constantly that he/she is 18 and that makes them adult and parents can't tell them what to do. Then people yell and scream that she/he isn't even 25 and that makes them a child and their parents still need to support them. Sorry to the idiots but you cannot have it both ways. Then these stories show how entitled people think they are. Get over yourselves. The problem here is him cheating. That is never a good thing. My mom and dad were a 14 year difference in age and she was the one who cheated, not him. Almost all the couples I have known where cheating happened and it was the woman who cheated. Others have had long happy marriages.
Story 3: NTA. Your not starving her. Your teacher her that complaining about the food you make upset’s you and that she is perfectly capable of making her own. Self sufficiency isn’t neglect, as long as she eats in the end who cares?
I'm actually concerned she picked up an eating disorder. It could have started with something as simple as Erin talking about how her diet is successful, or going on a rant about how bad certain foods are. I'm guessing she's skipping meals at her dad's place too, or has started bulemia. Concerning!
@@leegraves8878 YOU got that all wrong. You completely ignore that she had favourite foods before. You also completely ignore that there is an issue when she treats her mother like that you are also foolish in showing us all that you are the kind of person who thinks treating some one rudely is perfectly acceptable.
@@leegraves8878 I agree, it sounds like the mom knows how to cook food out of a box and not much else. After all who considers ramen a food group of any kind.
When the babysitter had time to reflect on OP’s dress code, she saw red flags. She saw a woman who probably would see inappropriate behavior when there was none. She did not want to be accused of trying to seduce OP’s husband. Wise girl.
The fact that Op vetoed sweatpants says it all. Leggings can be an issue. But sweatpants? Opie is just jealous of the young woman hanging around with her husband and son when Op is getting older.
Don't lie to your kids. They always figure it out and then you've destroyed your relationship with your daughter. You're a good Mom. You're taking the right stance.
Story 1-they married when she was 18 and he was 31. First red flag....then when HE cheated he WAS 36, and she was 23...it's a good reason for NOT marrying /dating older men when you are that young because they will take advantage of you. Since by then they have money and a dwelling and you are starting out
Last story NTA and the comments saying "give her a sympathetic ear" are AH's as OP needs to shut this down now and she needs therapy!! She lost the right to vent to OP once they split which is what she really wants to do; and I can't imagine spending the next however many years as the kids grow up having to listen to her complain about whatever crap is on her mind at that moment whilst ignoring solutions and offers of help. This is why they broke up so don't let her use the kid to manipulate you into letting her dump all her crap on you!! Sisters and AH so maybe send the ex to her every time she wants to vent and see how long before she's had enough
Last story. I’m a wife and mother, even I know that that is how men’s minds work!!! You can’t speak to a man about a problem without them trying to find a solution. The OP is just frustrated, and his ex needs to get over herself!!!
“My daughter has a bright future as a tuba player because those lungs are powerful.” Now don’t go limiting her future, 4th OP. She could also go into opera lol
I just listened again and the ages have clicked; they met and started dating when op was max 16, married at 18 and divorced at 23 Op's parents just watched this happen, I could maybe buy it if they started dating at 18 but at her age her parents could have (should've) called the cops How was this man able to be sexually active with 3 sisters. op's family is crazy, hope she continues to do the best for her kid
The is a huge limit on what they can do. You want a teenage girl to buck hard against your rules? Let her develop a forbidden love fantasy and she won't give a single fuck about what you say. Sometimes the best you can do is tell them why you think they are fucking up, that they will always have a place to come home to then hope that either she learns quickly or you were wrong.
As someone whose father cheated resulting in divorce, my mom never stopped me from having a relationship with my dad, but told me later in life what happened. Honestly I hate how people act like this is "poisoning" us against the parent, or it's "only between" them. I won't forgive my father as long as he lives for his treatment of my mom, and by extension me. The way I view it, he threw me and my mom away for a fling, because he should've known that doing so would effect me. People want to act like it's the person effected who needs to be the bigger person, and it's sick.
Last story: not an idiot. This is a personality trait. Some people can’t stand listening to problems without providing a solution. Specially men. I’ve heard a few guys say that before. I also have a girl friend who told me that my problems stresses her out because she doesn’t have a solution for me, therefore she would river not hear them. It hurt and I couldn’t really understand her reaction that day, but then I remembered that she was a problem solver. And that me just venting not looking for any solution , is stressful for her. Me on the other side, I can’t stand people who tell me their problems hoping I will find a solution for them. Specially when that solution involves me helping them. They want the help but don’t ask. If you want help, just ask. No need to tell me the entire boring story, trying to make me pity you. And if you can’t think of a solution for something as simple as "there are no more buses running, how am I going to get home?", well think harder. Uber, taxis, friend,family… just pick and stop waiting on me to suggest something.
I'm not sure that what she is doing. She is right in that the childcare situation is information OP should have because the behavior that is causing a lot of the issue is something he needs to be aware and she's also right that having his family child-mind during her time is a bad idea not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue. The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby. OP is ignoring the real problem. If nothings done what happens when she goes to school? Is this a sign that the daughter might have a deeper issue that they need to address?
@@sfsin3380 He is right because it's her problem and she doesn't want him to provide solutions. She can deal with it and not abuse her ex by demanding he be her emotional punching bag. She has every right to reject his family as caregivers on her time but her failure to secure childcare for whatever reason are not his problems and don't require his input so she should leave him alone about it. The people that say he should be civil and just listen and sympathize or he's causing a problem ignore that she is the one stirring shit up to begin with and causing the drama.
@@garybicknell2135 that not what an emotional punching bag is. An emotional punching bag is when you verbally take your frustration out someone (ie yelling at you partnerbecause you had a bad commute). It is a form of abuse and the term should not lightly. What Op is claiming is being an emotional sounding board. Which while it is true he is not obligated to be for an ex my point was I think isn't why she is telling him this. Ex is conveying and OP is handwaving some very worrying behaviour from the daughters in these conversations.
@@sfsin3380 She's putting him into a distressing situation intentionally and not allowing relief, that is not some benign "sounding board' problem solving issue but a malevolent woman looking to increase the stress on others for no reason but to cause harm, hence emotional punching bag. It's her problem, she needs to be a grown up and deal with it rather than being a drama queen and dragging everyone else into her issues and ignoring their input.
The way I see it, OP is simply setting limits. You came to me with a problem, I offered a solution. You didn't like it. That's your choice, but please quit bringing it to me. I'm not here to be your emotional support network anymore.
Final story: It sounds more like the ex is using complaining to him as a way to keep him in her life and not because of a fear of OP challenging anything in court. It sounds like OP is perfectly fine with their custody arrangement and has no plans to change things around. There is no use for complaining about a situation that can easily be solved with a solution that has already been presented to you...at that point you just want something to complain about and someone to complain to. Either take the offer for free childcare or pay for childcare on your own but you don't get to complain about the cost if you turn up your nose at free simply because it was a solution your ex put together. The ex knows that OP prefers to find solutions rather than to complain about the problem so if anyone is making communication and co-parenting difficult it is her not OP. Typically ex spouses are not the best person to lean on for emotional support after the divorce. It is no longer their place in your life to be leaned on or expected to sympathize with your struggles if they are meeting their requirements for alimony or child support.
This reminds me of my wife, who vents to me but does not expect me to develop solutions for her. Sure that may be why they are not together, but it seems like she is continuing to use him as someone to vent to when, again, they are not together because he wants to solve problems rather than listen sympathetically.
I honestly think if the roles were reversed in the story they will have the opposite judgment, because Reddit always has a tendency to side with women, and put down men.
Agree it part of being married that husband and wife listens to each other, as an ex Op isn’t obligated to be an emotional tampon for her, why doesn’t she talk to her friends and family is it because that are also tired of listening to a fixable problem or does she not have any?
Communication is important when co-parenting or for any relationship however they are ex's for a reason as his ex pointed out. When you breakup or divorce your ex is no longer obligated to be your emotional support person. She vented about a problem and he offered a solution that she rejected so he no longer wants to hear about that problem which is fair. I know OP comes across as cold but he's not her friend, partner or therapist. His relationship with her is as a co-parent to their child.
Right? Like did he just want her to withhold exactly who is affair partners were? "Like your dad cheated and sisters knew and didn't tell me", is that what he wanted her to say? I'm glad she told her daughter what a scumbag he was. I also noticed he blamed addictions for his behavior, as if that absolved him of his wrong doing. I bet a dollar he said he has a sex addiction and used it as an excuse for why he cheated.
The story about OP and his ex and childcare. Sure it doesn't cost OP to say, "sorry to hear that" but the truth is at this point, its not his responsibility to play the game husbands and partners play when it comes to women's complaints. For most of us guys we want to fix the problem that we keep hearing over and over again, but we have learned that what women want is a sympathetic ear and to just keep quiet. That's fine when you want to keep your partner happy and keep the relationship ticking away. However, as an ex, if you are going to complain about something, you can either try our solution or keep quiet after the first or second time you complain about the same thing. The thing is I agree that non-married parents should get along. Not only will it make their ongoing relationship easier but it will be better for the kid. However even with a good friend, after the second time, they complained about something and ignored my advice, i would tell them to shut up. I have no interest in hearing the same complaint over and over again.
@@SchwiegermutterI agree they should not and nobody wants a teenager to dress is skin tight clothes around their male family. She can wear slacks. I am a woman and I literally hate seeing women in tights. It's disgusting attire for women to wear in public.
Story 1: Yes, OP did the right thing. Her daughter already 16 and old enough to know the truth. Don't push her to much and respect her decision. She's old enough to decide to have a relationship with her dad or not
She has every right to ask for a dress code. But she needs to have it in writing and what she wants the babysitter to wear. She might have to supply the shirts too.
Unless it’s an allergy or dietary restriction, OP isn’t the AH. Daughter is being a brat because her Dad’s move back. Make her buy and cook those Asian cuisines she loves so much and see how much work goes into preparing meals everyday.
Sister Affair Partners: I think that the Aunt wanted to drudge up old hurts again and make OP the terrible one. SHE cheated with her BIL and tried to make OP the baddie. Notice how everyone saying she's TA are the ones that hurt OP. NC is in good order Childcare Indifference: NTA. OP said there was a simple solution that she refuses to take and points out that she never listened to her drone on about problems before, so why now? You're there for your daughter, if she wants emotional support she has other people who can be her support
Nanny story, I worked at a preschool for four years, and all of us teachers wore everything from athleisure ware, maxi dresses to relaxed fit jeans and none of the parents asked us to look more professional while the kids were there. If Op wants a nanny to wear sensible clothes/shoes, then she should've interviewed/hired a retired lady, maybe a teacher. Oh what if the retired teacher wears leggings to work? Op needs to get over her self
I pick my grand up at school a couple days a week and it seems to be pretty common for pretty much every one to be wearing leggings and whatever! Age for said clothing is all over the place!
@@rkrs843 Are you the OP? You sound just like her! Do you expect the nanny to just sit on a chair and watch? If so, then a dresscode might work... But it seems to me OP only wanted a dresscode because she was afraid the husband AND SON would be disturbed by the clothers she might wear! And THAT are the wrong reasons for a dresscode!
@@robertx8020 you sound brilliant. How would anyone, let alone a young man or even a grown one not have that in their line of sight and not be distracted. If it’s in your line of view, of course it’ll be ffs.
@@rkrs843 The male child is 5 years old. And you would think the husband is going to be busy with his job as a trainer, unless he works from home (why need the nanny in that case?) the interactions between the nanny and husband should be limited to when he leaves to work or when he gets home. Also if some hanky panky were to ensue do you think formal attire cannot be removed like comfortable attire can?
"your food is trash" "so I'm not cooking for you anymore 🤷🏽" "YOU WITCH!!!!!!!" how can you break your mother heart over and over again, see she is making an effort to comfort you with "step mom food preference" and still tell her she is not good enough??????? wow, just wow. Teenagers are really something aren't they
4th story. Sorry may be an unpopular answer. NTA. OP does communicate, even offers solutions to her problems, which the EX does not want any part of. And yet she continues to gripe about the same things. I would not want to hear it over and over, when there are obvious and available solutions. You can not help someone who refuses to help themselves. If I have offered help as a solution to the problem and they refuse, then I don't want to hear about it any more. If you will not let me help, then why should I have to hear about it over and over. Nope NTA OP.
I feel like she keeps complaining because OP is not offering her the solution she was fishing for, mainly OP paying for her childcare costs. She keeps bringing it up because she is hoping he will finally go "Why don't I just pay for it if it is so hard on you."
Story 2: YTA. Hun, is the “Tight” part what’s inappropriate here? Because if it is then your just insecure and paranoid. If it’s not and you just want her to dress “Professionally” for watching children then your too snobby for your own good.
I’m the eldest and got my siblings most weekends and literally wear half the stuff the lady said the nanny couldn’t. I damn assure you I ain’t trying shit with the kids lmao. Also it’s usually better to keep up with them.
That first story towards the end oh by the way my husband's 30 where I was 18 that hit me like hard I was about to crash on my bike before I listening to this s*** my God dang
Story 1, the fact that the "sisters" never apologized, reached out to see their own niece shows how little they thought of op. It shows that they enjoyed op's husband and didn't care about Op at all. Good on the family for chewing the sisters out and defending op. What the older parasite said is BS, it was completely her place to tell the niece what she did, she was being manipulative and trying to pain op as the bad guy and not her. The ex should be mad at the older parasite not op. Op wouldn't have had to tell her daughter that if it wasn't for that b*tch. I think she planned that to get back at op and the ex husband, I wouldn't be surprised if she blames op and probably the ex husband for everything that happened and the family hating her. But he's an A-hole for blaming op, it was only going to hurt worse if the kid found out she was lied to. Because judging by the older parasite's actions, she would have made the truth come out one way or another. I do agree with the comment over the parasite also doing it because she's excluded from the relationship when the ex gets to have his relationship with his daughter. So she decided that if she couldn't have a relationship then neither can he and also wanted to get back at them.
Holy crap!! 16 year old kid should be cooking for everyone in the household. If she had to come up with 2 meals per day for 7 days per week for 4 weeks per month ON HER OWN, she'd be finding mom's food scrumptious. Tell her that she's grounded for 1 month, and SHE'S doing the cooking. Any flying monkeys get blocked. Grounding also means NO ELECTRONICS. If she needs inspiration for dinner, tell her that the school library will probably have cookbooks for her to use. After a week, she'll be crying for mom to forgive her. If she wants to live with Dad, let her. But tell Dad NO CHILD SUPPORT. Mom and BF will have a lovely staycation.
Final Story: NTA. She can whine about this all she wants, but at the end of the day your only concerned about your Daughter and frankly speaking you’ve got your own issues, you don’t have the time or the patients to here a grown woman’s issue.
I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby. and the ex is also right that having OP's family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue.
I work with the teacher who where is super tight leggings every day and her shirt generally stop at her waist and if she raises her arms at all you can see her stomach. We’re both overweight but when I wear leggings I wear a tunic dress over it and the dress comes down to my knees. Just because I wouldn’t wear a short shirt like that doesn’t mean I would ever dream of telling her she shouldn’t dress like that.
NTA-story 1: The aunt would have told the daughter about the affair if mom made up a different story about what happened. Good thing mom told the truth.
STORY #1 NTA. If you and your child’s other parent aren’t together then your kid should know why. It involves them, and they’re owed the truth. The fact that it took until daughter was 16 to learn this is a failure on OP’s part. If the truth makes daughter want to disown her father than that’s *her* call to make, not OP’s. UPDATE Letting daughter make the call is a good move, but daughter should have learned about the affair before this point.
Why? Daughter wasn’t old enough to know when it happened, and he made amends and they reconciled enough to coparent. A child is too young to understand and a teen is too volatile to react rationally. This should’ve been a discussion when she was actually an adult.
The cooking parent story : I had a time when I was super stressed out due to my dad's passing, my little half brother testing my limits, my stepdad trying to take my father's role and trying to get my bachelor's. It provoked some food related problems : I developed lactose intolerance, getting skin rash with some food, couldn't eat food with a strong smell or taste and meat/eggs tasting as if I licked an iron plate. Nothing found by doctors, I took it in my own hands and went with my mom grocery shopping and cooked my own food, made salads as well as rice with Gambas and coconut milk etc etc, I didn't expect my mom to make something for me, still tasted everything she cooked and sometimes ate it a bit but never plainly criticized her efforts cooking for us all!
Ok, I'm a big fan of the last OP. I will adopt his phrase, "I don't like problems I like solutions." And the cherry on top he established his boundaries perfectly, with a perfect call back to every inche of her bullshit. We are not dating anyone, I don't own you a sympathetic ear. You are right, this is why we broke up and if I didn't do it the relationship why the hell are you expecting me to do when there is no relationship?
1st story... this is something that cheaters just don't seem to understand. Sooner or later the truth always comes out. The daughter was always going to find out. It's inevitable.
Story1: Huge NTA. OP would be the jerk if she didn't tell her daughter the truth. Cheating daddy hasn't changed or learned a thing, if he's blaming OP. His dirty secret was going to come out one way or the other. He can suck it up and face the consequences for his choices. And the sh*t-ster was absolutely being manipulative.
NTA. Your adulteress sister brought this to your daughter. The guilty parties want you to lie? Your sister tried to cause trouble. Your daughter is brilliant. Ex husband is a creep
The story about the nanny. Leggings are not unprofessional neither yoga pants. Teachers wear both of those all the time. If your husband and son can't control themselves around a woman in activewear you have a bigger problem than what your Nanny wears. It is extremely misogynistic to believe that but it's also pretty insulting to men. It's misogynistic because it's blaming women because some little boys can't control themselves. Real men who can control themselves that kind of thinking must be really insulting to them. They can be around women in all kinds of clothes/ situations and not feel the need to do anything inappropriate. They behave as respectful kind human being. It's not even that they need self-control because they don't have those Desires in the first place. So that kind of ridiculous belief is misogynistic and misandry. Edit I'm glad the nanny didn't take the job you sound super toxic.
I work in an office, with a dress code, leggings/yoga pants are extremely unprofessional and I'm sick of the women in my office getting away with wearing them because nobody has enough sack to call them out. Sorry ladies... nobody, but the office creep, wants to see your v@gina and it's time you got over it. It's not about men not being able to control themselves, it's about people being sick of obviously BS claims like "leggings and yoga pants are professional"... sweat pants are also not professional but they comfortable. Can the nanny not wear those instead. Let's be clear, just because you would wear leggings and yoga pants in a professional setting doesn't mean they're professional. It just means you think you don't have to follow the rules that everybody else does.
@@goawayleavemealone2880 Lmao or grow up and they don’t care about what you think about their vaginas and it’s just what they’re comfortable in. What’s “professional” is constantly changing based off the current culture and hate to break it to you sweetheart but the culture is shifting to a more relaxed setting. Get over it and either wear some yourself or look away.
@@magnarcreed3801 - The "I dress like this for me" claim is also BS and nobody with a functioning brain is buying it anymore. It's just irritating seeing women sexualise themselves while whining about being sexualised and form fitting garments do get sexualised, I'll even use a male garment as an example... wrestling singlet. You wouldn't believe how many gay men have that fetish, I know I am one of them. Also "grow up" isn't an argument, like all insults it's an admission that you don't have a point. You'll notice that when I say something vaguely insulting it's part of what I'm saying, it's not the only thing I'm saying.
@@goawayleavemealone2880 You’re the one sexualizing them. Ever wear leggings? They comfy af. Only issue? No pockets. Hope you don’t view little girls that wear leggings the same way 🤮 or are they also wearing it to be sexy or because they like it? You might only live for the opposite sexes sexual appeal but not everybody does.
The nanny thing it's curious, i noticed a lot they require a "uniform" but also play with the kids and be "like a teacher" a lot of them in the country i live request the nanny to actually have a teacher degree and I'm like...you are paying a minimum or less than in a lot of cases and you request a professional to work with your kid in awful job environment aka " jealous wife/creepy husband/ abusive family"
Last story... there will never be an agreement. The ex wife is whining about not affording babysitters, and when given solutions to help her out, she declines. If the child is a screamer when she doesn’t know the sitter, ex hubby’s suggestions should be more appealing as she already knows her sitters. Yes, it happens to be the ex wife’s in laws and ex wife doesn’t want to use them, basically because they are not her parents. If she doesn’t want to use the in laws which offered, which would dissolve her money issue for a sitter. She is the ahole because a solution was right in front of her.
You did good with your daughter you never lie to your kids because it always comes out in the end and then they get mad at you never lie to the children
Those ages in the first story immediately caught my attention. If my math is correct then the mom married that bastard when she was 18 and he was 31. Holy fucking shit how was anyone okay with that?!
This is something that really annoys me about many many SO and Ex. You know how your partner does things. Things that won’t change. Yet you keep trying to do things that you know the other won’t like or do. You expect the other to change to your ways because you are expressing that.
Story #3 - It's pretty obvious that OP's daughter has decided she rather live with dad and his wife. I'm sure she does think the grass is greener. The adults who think OP is starving her daughter need to sit down and hear OP's side instead of throwing accusations around. The kid's a sneak. OP needs to tell all parties involved exactly what's been going on. Sorry, but you need to let your daughter go live with her father full time. Let's see if the grass remains greener when she and her "wonderful" dad and stepmother are together permanently. She's always there now anyway, let's see whose shine wears off first, daughter's, dad's or stepmom's. Let's see if they really want to live with that obnoxious, entitled little brat on a regular basis. Only time will tell. OP needs to stop being the scapegoat and let the kid go.
The parents did the right thing.Instead of fighting OP and her boyfriend,they chose to keep her within arms length. As we all know,some teenagers are stubborn and OP might cut off ties with her family just to be with the man.
Why is no one talking about how utterly disgusting the sisters are? Are they not capable of being judged for their equally horrid and vile actions against their sister as much as the POS ex husband?
Agree normally I would say Op ex is horrible to the max but her sister are 10 times worse because at the end of the day he is just a dude she met and married they are her family
The last story….. I’ll just share how my Daughter & her Ex Co-Parent my 12 yr old Granddaughter ❤ Beautifully, and wonderfully that’s how! Ok they got pregnant, then married then less than 2 yrs later divorced. First they moved 3500 miles to his Parents. They spilt quickly after moving in with them, out in the countryside. J as Ill call her and K, him still kept it polite. The only thing in their divorce was that neither could take My GD out of the state. They shared custody & costs so there was no child support. His mom watched her seeing as They lived there & She was retired. It worked great. If a trip came up off schedule they switched happily. When I flew to visit he let GD stay 3 full weeks with only a few visits from him and 1 overnight at his place. We had a very happy healthy child! She never saw them fight or disrespect one another. Move to last May. GD turned 12. She also has a 4 yr old Sister from Daddy & an Ex-StepMom. She also has a 2 1/2 yr old Sister from Mommy & StepDaddy! I moved here while my Daughter moved a 7 hr drive away. They asked her at age 9 what She wanted. She chose to stay here with her Daddy, other Grandparents and her friends. She spends summers, school holiday vacations, etc up w/ her Mom. It breaks my Daughter’s heart because it breaks the girls hearts to be apart. She is truly the best, most loving Big Sister ever! We hear it constantly! Then Christmas of 2020 arrives. Her amazing Grandma, who watched her since the age of 2 (I had her full time from birth to then) They were bffs and I had to put my feelings aside to be ok with that. Well early hours of Christmas Morning Her other Grandma, 61 had a massive heart attack And died. On Christmas Morning. To say we were all devastated is an understatement for sure. Her Grandpa moved on quickly and by Easter was engaged and had moved out and on. He signed the property & house to my Granddaughters Daddy! My Daughter grieved deeply for her ex mil. We were dear friends. The mutual Support between my Ex son in law & My Daughter & her Husband was beautiful & they put their daughter first! Seeing that She was ok was their highest priority. Even my GD’s little Sisters Mom was a part of this. After all her little one lost her too! So back to May, I drive over for the birthday party. I know her Dad doesn’t like me but he is nice for her sake. I’m texting my Daughter saying I’ll get FaceTime going as soon as I’m inside. I open the door to see My Daughter, My Son in law and my 2 yr old Granddaughter! They surprised us by driving down! This was what really got me. I see HIS 4 yr old in the arms of my Son in law calling him Uncle Steve! I see MY 2 yr old asking my Ex SIL with her hands motioning to grab her “hold me Uncle Chris” I get a hug by all of them! And I saw 4 Adults My Granddaughters Mom, Dad, stepdad and ex stepmom ALL GETTING ALONG BEAUTIFULLY! I see 3 HAPPY HEALTHY little Girls having a blast! After all Daddy rented a huge blow up slide they hooked houses up to! The exwife/ex stepmom/ mom to her 4 yr old Sis and my daughter got in a fist fight once! So after they went off and talked things out knowing that could never happen again! Ya know boys were at the party too and my Granddaughters suit showed her side lol She is SO modest she wore a sports bra under and shorts over! lol One 11 yr old was practically wearing a thong. My GD gave her shorts! All on her own! Sorry this is so long, I just haven’t shared this before. I’m extremely proud of these adults for being good to each other for the sake of their kids! OP’s Ex really needed to just say “yea that bites” and leave it. They don’t need to be friends but he is feeding the anger. There is no reason. No he didn’t need to be her therapist but it’s in his child’s best interest if he is kind! Doing only the absolute minimum ultimately hurts that child! I tease my Daughter & her Ex they could write a book on how to coparent! Seeing those 3 girls in May made my heart grow with love & pride! Now if we could all just live in the same county ❤
The Nanny story: Do all the people laughing at the op for her standards know what the super expensive nannies the rich use wear? Here’s a hint, it’s not leggings. I will say if you want your nanny to wear a particular ‘uniform’ you should pay for it.
It never fails, cheaters are natural narcissists. It’s like a fundamental fact that never changes. Liars at the core. Only thinks of themselves and to hell with how those they « love » or innocent parties are affected. I find this also rings true for DUI individuals. In my experience with several of them, they share the exact same traits.
Story 1...lying now wouldve caused more damage in the future when daughter eventually found out the truth. If ex wants to blame anyone, give him his ex-side-pieces number.
Holy sh*t, a story with a family that didn't treat the bad guys over their victim? Miracles do happen. Lol It's refreshing to know that not all families are toxic and manipulative. Good on OP for protecting her daughter and not letting the sisters near her daughter because "faammmiiilllyyyy!"
Story two: I was a flight attendant for over 35 years. The job is very physical. Lots of crawling into meal carts to pull out trays, etc.. Wearing yoga pants on a 15 hour flight to China would have been more comfortable, but NOT PROFESSIONAL. You can dress comfortably and still look professional. Maybe the mother set a standard for her children and didn't want a nanny to dress in a contradictory manner.
Story 1: NTA but at same time should of talked to daughter with calm and have him their explain he had problems and that u haven't forgiven him but u moved on and that she shouldn't of ignored him for u. But also explain that ur sisters where ones who where affair partners they knew your husband was ur husband so she shouldn't see them as family if she doesn't see her father as father.
Story 1: I don't see why your ex is mad, you didn't do anything but tell the truth. If she found out you lied about something that's important she might be upset at you for it, you do not owe him not risk. And he should be mad that your sister who intentionally planted these seeds, who honestly deserve that smack in the face for doing that.
He's mad because OP wasn't going to cover his back once the aunt had planted her seeds. He like a typical selfish cheating rat expected OP to flat out lie to their daughter so he wouldn't have to face her judgement or the consequences of his actions from her once she discovered the truth about what a louse he really is. Cheaters want their cake and eat it too, but they don't want to accept the responsibility of paying for it when the bill finally comes due.
Last Story: NTA and those comments calling him TA or ESH are ridiculous, she tells him she has a problem and he offers a solution, anything beyond that is not his problem since he is doing his part as a parent while she refuses to accept his help
Last story So the ex doesn't want help from OP's family, but she wants OP to listen to her problems. The whole "OP could claim she is a bad mom" thing is invalid, since the ex is having her daughter looked after by someone else anyway. OP could spin it as "she is a bad mother" anyway.
I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem. The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby. I think Ex is saying this behavior is making it really hard to find childcare. And OP is (and a lot of people here are) ignoring the behavior and focusing on the childcare part and EX is also right that having his family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue at the core of all this. The child will need to get used to being left with new people eventually. What happens if she gets to school age still screaming her head off? What if this is a sign of a deeper issue?
@@sfsin3380 possible, but 3 year old are also often still testing boundaries, especially if the parents are divorced. The problem (according to OP) is, that the ex wants sympathy, but is not looking for a solution. If the ex reacts like OP is describing, she wouldn't like suggestions of therapy or other measures either. That is IF we believe OP.
Last story - I bet the ex-GF wants OP to offer money for daycare on GF's time. Financial help. And honestly - 3 year olds will pitch a fit for a huge number of reasons, but that's no good reason to not use a decent affordable daycare. OP is lucky his mother is willing and able to help out. GF isn't helping anybody with her attitude about daycare.
She was 16 and he was 28? And he slept with both of her sisters? And she still thinks dude wasn't being manipulative? Oh that poor OP, still not realizing what a creepo she allowed into her life.
![แฉกลโกงงานวัด 2024 [ โกงมั้ยครับ ep.106 ] | DOM](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/taC5dpP3HXA/mqdefault.jpg)
If BOTH of my sisters slept with my husband, they would be dead to me. OP, you DID protect your daughter by WAITING to tell her the truth until she was older. Anyone who blames the truth tellers is insanely toxic.
I would argue that she should have told her the truth a lot earlier. She is lucky that the sister didn't spin the narrative in her favour
" they would be dead to me"
Same here and I would never tell anyone where I burried the bodies ...oh you didn't mean it litterly? My bad 😂
That bizarre mentality that the person who was cheated on should help the cheater save face with the family only serves to protect the bad guy and make the good guy seem like they could be to blame for ending their relationship. OP's daughter is 16, so that's plenty old enough for her to decide who she wants in her life. That may change over time, but why would any decent person want that a guy in their life who cheated with multiple siblings of their partner? Just cuz they share DNA doesn't mean jack. He's scum and she sees it.
@@robertx8020 😂
@@randomusername387316 is barely old enough for that kind of trauma dump
So, remember the other day, the story about the brother cheating with OP's ex and the daughter inviting him to her wedding? Remember all the idiots defending them?
This is how a supportive family should act. This is how a decent daughter would act after finding out how horrible her aunts are
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID, I was horrified hearing that crap and I felt so bad for that OP
yeah .. it's sad how people expect men to just get over it
@@axepagode33626 there were details in the comments of that post. OP had responded to someone that shortly after the infidelity was discovered, brother and ex were openly sleeping together just to make OP feel bad about it, and THEN OP had gave his parents the ultimatum before he had moved out. And then how they had a relationship with OP’s daughter showed that it wasn’t about healing at all
@@devegas4910 Some people don't realize that when you try to force someone to "bury the hatchet", they'll make sure to bury it in your skull first.
One hundred percent !!
Story 1: Wow, this man really kept it in the family.
Everyone has a type I guess.
There is SO much ick in that story. She married a 31 year old at 18..meaning they obviously "dated" while underage if not immediately after...and one of the sisters is OP's younger sister so even if OP wasn't underage(which still doesn't make it right) that sister DEFINITELY was.
Dude's a groomer
P***hub exe much
@@Mewse1203 THis is not uncommon in poorer or third world countries
@@Mewse1203 yeah, major creep vibes, it kinda feels like he's got something deeper going on.
My dad was 21 when my mother got pregnant at 14 (she pursued him, and got pregnant by her own choice, then again 2x later on in her teens so fully understand what she was doing) but all us kids have decided, as he was open and acknowledged it wasn't the best choice, that we didn't approve of this behaviour but he is now a really good guy who would do anything for his kids.
Mind you, the only person he had a relationship with aside from my mother is another woman (his age) but he couldn't make it work as he still loved my mother too much even more than 2 decades later.
The way the ex in this story was soo gross, how can you not tell someone is 16 (stated they dated for 2 years before marriage) when they work at a bar/ together or even just talk a while. No mention of high school, getting your licence, school events, after school aspirations? He should have broken it off the second he found out he was with a minor and certainly should not have even looked at the younger sisters.
The person who pointed out that the daughter is the same age as OP was when they started dating made such a GOOD point - and the daughter will probably make that connection and have another reason to not want to be with him
Story 1: NTA. Look, it sucks that she doesn’t want a relationship with her Father anymore, but if he was so concerned about this he should have taken the steps to make sure this never happened in the first place. And what your Sister did WAS manipulative. When she’s an adult your Daughter can talk to whoever she wants but talking to her behind your back is not only not okay, it’s not going to “Mend fences”.
I can't believe she added the niece on Facebook... Wow
100% this.
Cheating daddy hasn't changed a bit, if he's trying to blame OP. Guess he thinks lying should be second-nature to OP, just like himself? His dirty secret was going to come out eventually. So he can suck it up and lie in the bed he made.
@@champslim How does that sister walk with such big balls?
It was to rip open old scars nothing about mending fences
It’s really refreshing to read a story where the family is actually on the WRONGED person’s side and not on the cheaters side and wanting everyone to “forgive and be the bigger person”.
NTA Op, if you HAD lied to your daughter that could have really damaged your relationship with her, you sound like a great mom and a great person, i wish you all the best
Yeah, lying is a betrayal of trust just like the cheating. When I caught out my hitherto honest ex in a lie, she claimed it was "to make me feel better." I told her if she wanted to make me feel better then stop f***ing lying to me!
I agree, I heard too many stories where the betrayed was the one who was always cast aside.
First story: that "man" is disgusting and found the perfect family to mess with. I'm glad the daughter is breaking the cycle and not giving into his manipulation.
As horrible he is Op sisters are worse
@@joimumu all of them. Including the parents.
They both married at 18 and he messed around with the YOUNGER sister and the older????? UM!?!?!?
Yes, because nothing improves a young woman's life and gets her to make good decisions like fucking daddy issues./end sarcasm
Op had the right of it. He was no great shakes as a man and a terrible husband. That does not mean he could not be a good dad and by all appearances he was. Hopefully the daughter will come to terms with that whole hero/villain dichotomy and just accept her dad for what he is. The alternatives are all worse for her. She should be OK either way as she has had 12 or 14 years of a decent (if not ideal) dad. This looks like a rare case were OP appears to have done everything right and has behaved like a rational and emotionally balanced person with the best interest of her daughter in mind. I was particularly impressed with how she told her daughter that she doesn't have to be angry on her behalf. That is another thing that few 16 year olds have wrapped their head around. Just because people close to you get into a conflict does not mean you have to pick a side or even join in. You handle your own relationship and let other people handle theirs. If that girl is as level headed as her mother she should come out just fine.
@@petrichora5582 😳
1) OP's parents did not fail nor enable the relationship. They were smart enough not to fight her on this because if they did then ex-husband would use their fight to isolate her and make her believe that they want to control her.
OP's parents played it smart and careful, not giving ex-husband any kind of ammo to isolate OP. They made should she was comfortable no matter how uncomfortable they were.
100% Grade A Parents
Exactly. How many stories have we heard just on Reddit (discounting every other outlet) about parents attempting to “put their foot down” with their very young adult children and ending up driving them away? OPs parents did the right thing, no matter how hard it was on them to see her making bad choices. OP is also doing a great job with her own daughter by giving her space to make up her own mind.
@@JosieJOK plus OP turned out Ok and so did her daughter
I still think they’re wrong for never saying they were against the relationship and pointing out the red flags. They can still be supportive, while also pointing out the flaws in the relationship. They enabled the relationship
@@TipTheScales27 we don't know they didn't. By OPs admission they did in fact let it be know they thought there were red flags. They just didn't press the issue. I guess owing to the fact that technically she was an adult (18) when they met and 20 when she married him. Can't "enable" anything really you just have to be available as support for when the whole thing implodes. Which is precisely what they did.
Also OP was pretty young and tend to pretty impulsive when it comes to relationship. There was a theory called the Romeo and Juliet affect when sometimes the more parents dislike a person's partner, the more they like them. If they had expressed disapproval, people would be like "She's 18 and she can do what she wants blah blah."
S1 - What a surprise. The cheaters advice is to lie... to their own daughter.
I was wondering the same Op friends that said she should have lied probably sleep with her ex as well
Story 3: so let me get this straight, she refuses to eat anything you cook so you tell her to make her own food and your ex and mom thinks that's a form of starvation? No, if her ungrateful butt doesn't like what you have to make she can make her own food, you did everything right, she can be mad, I don't know why she's mad, but she can be if she wants.
Yeah, this story is missing some giant parts that Op is not telling us. Something is going on in the household. Something not so nice. I'm going to withhold just judgment because the daughter has reasons for her actions.
Holy moly. At my home you eat what you are served. Everybody eats the same unless it is leftover night.
Because the daughter is lying to her dad!
@@nancyomalley6286 or the narrator is lying to us. This story just feels off.
I started not liking my mother’s food in high school (my brother and dad had weight issues, so she almost never used salt and sugar when she could cut it - much to the detriment of my tastebuds, and, yes, she’d get mad if I wanted to add salt to MY food). We thankfully could afford extra food money, so I would get my own stuff when I could and cooked myself. At least this mom tried to make food her daughter liked.
Story 1: Anyone else amazed that wider family immediately put the two sisters on social function ban for OP without her asking. Usually they are trying to keep/make peace. OP has good family except for the sisters and husband.
Daughter won’t eat story: NTA. Erin’s just being a rebellious teenage brat.
It’s a phase. In a few years she’ll look back and be embarrassed about how bratty she’s acting.
I'd have a good chat with the Ex husband and his wife. What IS Erin eating at their place? Is she eating at all? Outright refusing food from her mother is another kind of red flag = anorexia? Has someone noticed Erin losing weight and she's replied "My mother won't cook for me"? rather than telling the truth, which is "I won't eat her food"? Something else going on here....
@@Kayenne54 Yeah, I can't help but feel the daughter is lying. If I did that, my parents would be like "Then make your own food" which as a picky eater when I was a teen, I did. Imagine having your mom make you food just to whine about it.
@@calico_queen8976 This is BS how so many kids are dictating what they're going to eat. Mom made dinner, sit your butt down and eat. My daughter did that 1 time. Made her dig 20 holes for fence post for trying that crap. She never said anything about any food put on the table again.
Totaly wrong, it had nothing to do with food. Mike is her father, the food is an excuse to have more time with her father and his New wife. It is something New and exciting. She used food because she doesn't want to hurt mum with the fact that she likes dads New wife. Mum needs to be ok that daughter can have two woman in her life to love and like.
Story 1: Not the AH. With sisters like that you don't need enemies. Always tell the truth. Lies come out and almost always makes things worse.
Exactly !!
Agree as bad Op ex is her sisters are worse and telling the truth set Op free
Erin story: Growing up my mother had a plaque in the center of the table that said, "Come to the table and take a look, first to complain is tomorrow's cook."
I'm saving that one! I'll save it with credit to Micheal Gilson's mother, if anyone asks.
Omfg thats hilarious.
Problems story: theres a good phrase that works perfectly here: just because you're not being nice, doesnt mean you're being mean.
OP has no obligation to listen to her vent. He may have had some of that as her partner but they broke up because she knows he doesn't do that. She shouldn't be bringing problems to him unless she needs his help with a solution even generally but more so because she knows he doesnt like it. He isn't her friend or confidant. He is her EX and co-parent. If she has a problem that needs a solution, she should bring it to him but expecting him to be a sympathetic ear when she knows he has made that a boundary is an asshole move.
And I take exception to the point that it is bad communication. I thought he communicated his boundary really well. "We are not friends and are no longer dating. I do not want to hear about your problems unless you're asking for a solution." That is REALLY good communication.
Making him aware of an issue withhis daughter is one thing. Not accepting hus solution and then making him listen to her complain about it is just frankly annoying. He is not required to provide emotional support. No one has to listen to otger people complain and NO ONE likes doing so when you've told that person a way to fix tge problem and they'd rather complain than take a rational solution.
He doesn't have to listen to her complaints just because they're coparents.
Chalk it up to the misandrists of Reddit my dude
Agree 100% plus he gave a solution and her response was that she didn't want them watching the child during her time. What happens when her family has something going on during his time with his kid
I'm not sure that what she is doing. I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem
She is right in that the childcare situation is information OP should have because the child worrying behavior that is causing a lot of the issue is something he needs to be aware
The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby.
and she's also right that having his family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue.
If nothings done what happens when she goes to school?
Is this a sign that the daughter might have a deeper issue that they need to address?
OP is ignoring all that and focusing on the part that he can "Fix"
@@sfsin3380 I agree that is a conversation that needs to happen. However, that's not at all what she was doing. She was not trying to talk about deeper issues. She is literally just venting her frustration. I'm going to quote what was said "She said I was being an asshole and she just wanted a sympathetic ear, that she needs to talk about her problems sometimes."
She then said "this is why we broke up" and OP agreed and asked why would he listen to her problems now that they're broken up when he wasn't willing to do so in their relationship (editors note: he is not a good partner but that has no bearing here.)
That is a far cry from what you're talking about. She was just looking for someone to vent to. Like I said, the conversation you detailed definitely needs to happen, but to say that was her intention is way off the mark. Now, is OP a reliable narrator? Who knows. He seemed to lay the parts of him that were an asshole bare so I'm inclined to say he is probably reporting accurately to the best of hus memory. From what we have, it seems her only intention was to have someone to listen to her problems, something she is very well aware OP won't do.
@@Mewse1203 As has been pointed out she did already know OP wasn't someone who she could rely on to listen to her problems, yet she expected him to anyway...why ? No, she was telling him her problem with affording childcare because she wanted him to step in and offer to pony up the extra money. She wasn't venting as she claimed, she was fishing for extra cash.
Story 2: Back when I was a nanny I had a boss that was more insecure than a bank vault someone left wide open. If I wore clothes that hugged my body even the tiniest bit (I dressed normally; jeans or jean shorts, flannel shirts, graphic tees, if anything I dressed more like a boy) she would tell me to cover up as she was convinced anyone who dressed like that was trying to steal her husband. Her husband is twice my age and showed zero interest in me. YTA, OP.
Disagree it's an esh but why go to a job interview with leggings and more appropriate and crop top not good for an job interview
Last story: OP is NTA. He did listen! The first time. After that it was just ongoing complaints. How is he obligated to pretend interest to something that she won't let him help fix?
Because it's reddit and men are always the AH if they aren't doing everything in their power and beyond to make the woman happy, even when she's in the wrong.
She wants more money, thats why she is complaining and don't want the solution he's offering
@@azafraeldniester or she just wants to vent ether way she is making everything more difficult than its need to be
I don't think OP did listen I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem and is focusing on the part he can "Fix"
The childcare situation is information OP should have because the child worrying behavior that is causing part of the issue and that behavior and the problems it is causing something he needs to be aware of.
The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby.
Having his family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea in general but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue.
@@sfsin3380either way it's not his problem. They're not in a relationship anymore, so she should look for someone else for emotional support. Her struggles are not his problem anymore.
1st story: NTA. It is the daughters choice and the consequences of the actions of the adults. I'm proud op told her daughter the truth because if she had created a lie, she would have become a villain as well. The sisters and ex are trash.
A 30 year old man that dated an 18 year old and also acts childish....red flag. Pretty much an immature man who targets young ignorant women.
She said that they dated for two years before they married so he was 28 or 27 and she was 16 or 15 when they started dating.
Yeah, I’m pretty horrified that he is trying to get back into her life as she’s becoming a teen. He’s a creep.
The Nanny story: Did OP plan to pay enough for the nanny to own and maintain a “professional” wardrobe? That job would be a hard pass for me, too-not because I like wearing leggings, but because I don’t like working for bosses who are unreasonably controlling. She’s going to be minding young children, not working at a bank.
Apparently the OP was expecting someone to dress like the governess in the movie sound of music
The person was being interviewed, I assume wasn't hired, so the discussion of dress code wasn't brought up after they were caring for the OP's children. Any employer can set out expectations, dress code, working hours etc. If the interviewee doesn't accept that then they don't get hired. I suspect that the OP as a lawyer earns more than a trainer (I work as a trainer) that she is the one paying the majority of the fees, so with discussion holds the overall veto on who gets hired.
I think OP is right to look out for her family first and not allow temptation a chance to enter. She doesn't want an unrelated female dressed skimpy. We don't know how tight the nanny clothes were, nor the cut of the cleavage. Op mentioned skin tight. You can still be active and comfortable looking after children while not wearing tight work out clothing. Do it all day as a mom. I also worry about freak accidents or uncaring caregivers. Nanny will learn to adjust her presentation because parents will put their kids first over her freedom of expression. The clothing issue is part of a checklist to ensure a safe environment. Op is putting her baby's life in the hands of this stranger.
@@calamity0.o Did you read that the fact that she is worried about the Nanny's choice of clothing is because of her husband and son. Meaning that the Nanny in OP's opinion should dress like somebody who works at a bank or is a nun. She also seems like the kind of person that would victim shame a woman who was raped. If I had been that nanny, I would have turned OP down too. Oh, yeah, you're talking about skimpy clothing, the nanny wasn't wearing a mini skirt and crop top, she was wearing a sweater and leggings, no skin was showing.
@@calamity0.o If OP is that worried about a Strange Female In Tight Clothing in her house and around her husband, she should quit her job and be a full time mother, and never allow her husband our of the house again lest he be tempted by those Sinful Temptresses In Yoga Pants.
If her husband wants to fuck around on her, he's gonna find a way to do it.
Finally, an OP's parents to actually support the wronged party even if both who hurt her were also their parents. The disturbing thing is how both of her sister's were willing to backstab OP and only stopped when they realized they weren't the only side pieces. Disgusting.
Story one: she was 23 and he was 36 when she gave birth. And that's not even including how long they were together before she got pregnant. We need to teach our young girls to avoid men so much older than them. There is a reason he's going for a woman who is barely legal to drink: he's a controlling monster who preys on naive young women
Agreed. I work with people leaving abusive relationships. Now of course not every relationship with an age difference ends in abuse. Some are very happy. But there's nothing wrong with making sure people understand that statistically and in reality a lot of times these relationships are very coercive in many times they are abusive. Especially because she was so young when she met him.
Going for a woman who is barely legal to drink? He was going GIRLS who werent legal. He was OBVIOUSLY dating her while she was underage.. They were MARRIED for FIVE YEARS at the time she divorced him at 23...
As soon as I saw the age I started calculating straightaway. Divorced when he was 44 and she was 23 and was married for 5 year so she was married from 18 and he was 39. So unless that she didn't give the right age at start but it is still alarming
@@MissJordanna1 she confirms later. She was 16 and he was 28 when they started dating.
Because of that, I'm not sure how much I can blame the sister's for the "affair" he was an adult with unfettered access to groo. 2 minors for sure if not all 3. Even if the older sister wasn't a minor, she wasn't that much older and still vulnerable.
I don't care what other people say 18 isn't some magic number where you automatically become an adult. Just because we've made that line arbitrary legally doesn't mean that the person is any more mature from day 365 of their 17th to day one of their 18th birthday. They are still just kids.
Edit: changed age typo from 26 to 16
ROFLOL, is everyone nuts. If she was 23 she was not some girl child. I hear constantly that he/she is 18 and that makes them adult and parents can't tell them what to do.
Then people yell and scream that she/he isn't even 25 and that makes them a child and their parents still need to support them. Sorry to the idiots but you cannot have it both ways. Then these stories show how entitled people think they are. Get over yourselves.
The problem here is him cheating. That is never a good thing. My mom and dad were a 14 year difference in age and she was the one who cheated, not him. Almost all the couples I have known where cheating happened and it was the woman who cheated. Others have had long happy marriages.
Story 3: NTA. Your not starving her. Your teacher her that complaining about the food you make upset’s you and that she is perfectly capable of making her own. Self sufficiency isn’t neglect, as long as she eats in the end who cares?
I'm actually concerned she picked up an eating disorder. It could have started with something as simple as Erin talking about how her diet is successful, or going on a rant about how bad certain foods are. I'm guessing she's skipping meals at her dad's place too, or has started bulemia. Concerning!
In fact, it's neglectful NOT to teach self sufficiency
Got that all wrong the daughter found out step mom is a great cook and mom is mediocre.
@@leegraves8878 YOU got that all wrong. You completely ignore that she had favourite foods before. You also completely ignore that there is an issue when she treats her mother like that you are also foolish in showing us all that you are the kind of person who thinks treating some one rudely is perfectly acceptable.
@@leegraves8878 I agree, it sounds like the mom knows how to cook food out of a box and not much else. After all who considers ramen a food group of any kind.
When the babysitter had time to reflect on OP’s dress code, she saw red flags. She saw a woman who probably would see inappropriate behavior when there was none. She did not want to be accused of trying to seduce OP’s husband. Wise girl.
The fact that Op vetoed sweatpants says it all. Leggings can be an issue. But sweatpants? Opie is just jealous of the young woman hanging around with her husband and son when Op is getting older.
@@melodyharpole8272 She doesn;t seem to even trust her husband or son
Sounds like the type of crazy on TV drama shows that will spend everyday accusing the perfectly normal female sitter of seducing her husband
Of course Op could be married to a member of the Biden family. Remember Biden did marry his babysitter after his wife died.
@@melodyharpole8272 Or OP is married with Trump and she was afraid he would just 'grab her by the pussy '
Don't lie to your kids. They always figure it out and then you've destroyed your relationship with your daughter.
You're a good Mom. You're taking the right stance.
Story 1-they married when she was 18 and he was 31. First red flag....then when HE cheated he WAS 36, and she was 23...it's a good reason for NOT marrying /dating older men when you are that young because they will take advantage of you. Since by then they have money and a dwelling and you are starting out
Last story NTA and the comments saying "give her a sympathetic ear" are AH's as OP needs to shut this down now and she needs therapy!! She lost the right to vent to OP once they split which is what she really wants to do; and I can't imagine spending the next however many years as the kids grow up having to listen to her complain about whatever crap is on her mind at that moment whilst ignoring solutions and offers of help.
This is why they broke up so don't let her use the kid to manipulate you into letting her dump all her crap on you!! Sisters and AH so maybe send the ex to her every time she wants to vent and see how long before she's had enough
Last story. I’m a wife and mother, even I know that that is how men’s minds work!!! You can’t speak to a man about a problem without them trying to find a solution. The OP is just frustrated, and his ex needs to get over herself!!!
I get it if it's a problem with no real workable solution but otherwise I want to solve the problem not let it get worse.
“My daughter has a bright future as a tuba player because those lungs are powerful.” Now don’t go limiting her future, 4th OP. She could also go into opera lol
I just listened again and the ages have clicked; they met and started dating when op was max 16, married at 18 and divorced at 23
Op's parents just watched this happen, I could maybe buy it if they started dating at 18 but at her age her parents could have (should've) called the cops
How was this man able to be sexually active with 3 sisters. op's family is crazy, hope she continues to do the best for her kid
OP thinks the parents treat their children maturely but I think they just don’t care beyond the basic politeness expected by society.
The is a huge limit on what they can do. You want a teenage girl to buck hard against your rules? Let her develop a forbidden love fantasy and she won't give a single fuck about what you say. Sometimes the best you can do is tell them why you think they are fucking up, that they will always have a place to come home to then hope that either she learns quickly or you were wrong.
They married when she was 18 and he was 30....mega yikes..
As someone whose father cheated resulting in divorce, my mom never stopped me from having a relationship with my dad, but told me later in life what happened.
Honestly I hate how people act like this is "poisoning" us against the parent, or it's "only between" them. I won't forgive my father as long as he lives for his treatment of my mom, and by extension me.
The way I view it, he threw me and my mom away for a fling, because he should've known that doing so would effect me.
People want to act like it's the person effected who needs to be the bigger person, and it's sick.
Last story: not an idiot. This is a personality trait. Some people can’t stand listening to problems without providing a solution. Specially men. I’ve heard a few guys say that before.
I also have a girl friend who told me that my problems stresses her out because she doesn’t have a solution for me, therefore she would river not hear them. It hurt and I couldn’t really understand her reaction that day, but then I remembered that she was a problem solver. And that me just venting not looking for any solution , is stressful for her.
Me on the other side, I can’t stand people who tell me their problems hoping I will find a solution for them. Specially when that solution involves me helping them. They want the help but don’t ask. If you want help, just ask. No need to tell me the entire boring story, trying to make me pity you. And if you can’t think of a solution for something as simple as "there are no more buses running, how am I going to get home?", well think harder. Uber, taxis, friend,family… just pick and stop waiting on me to suggest something.
I'm not sure that what she is doing.
She is right in that the childcare situation is information OP should have because the behavior that is causing a lot of the issue is something he needs to be aware
and she's also right that having his family child-mind during her time is a bad idea not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue.
The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby.
OP is ignoring the real problem.
If nothings done what happens when she goes to school?
Is this a sign that the daughter might have a deeper issue that they need to address?
@@sfsin3380 He is right because it's her problem and she doesn't want him to provide solutions. She can deal with it and not abuse her ex by demanding he be her emotional punching bag. She has every right to reject his family as caregivers on her time but her failure to secure childcare for whatever reason are not his problems and don't require his input so she should leave him alone about it.
The people that say he should be civil and just listen and sympathize or he's causing a problem ignore that she is the one stirring shit up to begin with and causing the drama.
@@garybicknell2135 that not what an emotional punching bag is. An emotional punching bag is when you verbally take your frustration out someone (ie yelling at you partnerbecause you had a bad commute). It is a form of abuse and the term should not lightly.
What Op is claiming is being an emotional sounding board.
Which while it is true he is not obligated to be for an ex my point was I think isn't why she is telling him this. Ex is conveying and OP is handwaving some very worrying behaviour from the daughters in these conversations.
@@sfsin3380 She's putting him into a distressing situation intentionally and not allowing relief, that is not some benign "sounding board' problem solving issue but a malevolent woman looking to increase the stress on others for no reason but to cause harm, hence emotional punching bag. It's her problem, she needs to be a grown up and deal with it rather than being a drama queen and dragging everyone else into her issues and ignoring their input.
The way I see it, OP is simply setting limits. You came to me with a problem, I offered a solution. You didn't like it. That's your choice, but please quit bringing it to me. I'm not here to be your emotional support network anymore.
Final story: It sounds more like the ex is using complaining to him as a way to keep him in her life and not because of a fear of OP challenging anything in court. It sounds like OP is perfectly fine with their custody arrangement and has no plans to change things around. There is no use for complaining about a situation that can easily be solved with a solution that has already been presented to you...at that point you just want something to complain about and someone to complain to.
Either take the offer for free childcare or pay for childcare on your own but you don't get to complain about the cost if you turn up your nose at free simply because it was a solution your ex put together. The ex knows that OP prefers to find solutions rather than to complain about the problem so if anyone is making communication and co-parenting difficult it is her not OP.
Typically ex spouses are not the best person to lean on for emotional support after the divorce. It is no longer their place in your life to be leaned on or expected to sympathize with your struggles if they are meeting their requirements for alimony or child support.
This reminds me of my wife, who vents to me but does not expect me to develop solutions for her. Sure that may be why they are not together, but it seems like she is continuing to use him as someone to vent to when, again, they are not together because he wants to solve problems rather than listen sympathetically.
I honestly think if the roles were reversed in the story they will have the opposite judgment, because Reddit always has a tendency to side with women, and put down men.
Agree it part of being married that husband and wife listens to each other, as an ex Op isn’t obligated to be an emotional tampon for her, why doesn’t she talk to her friends and family is it because that are also tired of listening to a fixable problem or does she not have any?
Communication is important when co-parenting or for any relationship however they are ex's for a reason as his ex pointed out. When you breakup or divorce your ex is no longer obligated to be your emotional support person. She vented about a problem and he offered a solution that she rejected so he no longer wants to hear about that problem which is fair. I know OP comes across as cold but he's not her friend, partner or therapist. His relationship with her is as a co-parent to their child.
1. Just wow. Not a lesson was learned from the culprits.
1. The lie would never have stood, too many people know. You tell the truth an trust the daughter to do what she thinks is best.
Right? Like did he just want her to withhold exactly who is affair partners were? "Like your dad cheated and sisters knew and didn't tell me", is that what he wanted her to say? I'm glad she told her daughter what a scumbag he was. I also noticed he blamed addictions for his behavior, as if that absolved him of his wrong doing. I bet a dollar he said he has a sex addiction and used it as an excuse for why he cheated.
Good lord. I could not imagine doing that with my brother in law. That’s a kind of mess I do not have time for nor do I plan on inflicting.
Agree and as bad Op ex was and normal I would say to the max but what Op sisters did was just inexcusable especially the older sister
The story about OP and his ex and childcare. Sure it doesn't cost OP to say, "sorry to hear that" but the truth is at this point, its not his responsibility to play the game husbands and partners play when it comes to women's complaints. For most of us guys we want to fix the problem that we keep hearing over and over again, but we have learned that what women want is a sympathetic ear and to just keep quiet. That's fine when you want to keep your partner happy and keep the relationship ticking away. However, as an ex, if you are going to complain about something, you can either try our solution or keep quiet after the first or second time you complain about the same thing. The thing is I agree that non-married parents should get along. Not only will it make their ongoing relationship easier but it will be better for the kid. However even with a good friend, after the second time, they complained about something and ignored my advice, i would tell them to shut up. I have no interest in hearing the same complaint over and over again.
Lol the babysitter story is hilarious... Some teachers do dress like that actually 😂😂
They shouldn't
@@SchwiegermutterI agree they should not and nobody wants a teenager to dress is skin tight clothes around their male family. She can wear slacks. I am a woman and I literally hate seeing women in tights. It's disgusting attire for women to wear in public.
Oh my what a story! With two of the sisters😱
Really sad when siblings do that to one another.
Story 1: Yes, OP did the right thing. Her daughter already 16 and old enough to know the truth. Don't push her to much and respect her decision. She's old enough to decide to have a relationship with her dad or not
She has every right to ask for a dress code. But she needs to have it in writing and what she wants the babysitter to wear. She might have to supply the shirts too.
Unless it’s an allergy or dietary restriction, OP isn’t the AH. Daughter is being a brat because her Dad’s move back. Make her buy and cook those Asian cuisines she loves so much and see how much work goes into preparing meals everyday.
Sister Affair Partners: I think that the Aunt wanted to drudge up old hurts again and make OP the terrible one. SHE cheated with her BIL and tried to make OP the baddie. Notice how everyone saying she's TA are the ones that hurt OP. NC is in good order
Childcare Indifference: NTA. OP said there was a simple solution that she refuses to take and points out that she never listened to her drone on about problems before, so why now? You're there for your daughter, if she wants emotional support she has other people who can be her support
Nanny story, I worked at a preschool for four years, and all of us teachers wore everything from athleisure ware, maxi dresses to relaxed fit jeans and none of the parents asked us to look more professional while the kids were there. If Op wants a nanny to wear sensible clothes/shoes, then she should've interviewed/hired a retired lady, maybe a teacher. Oh what if the retired teacher wears leggings to work? Op needs to get over her self
I pick my grand up at school a couple days a week and it seems to be pretty common for pretty much every one to be wearing leggings and whatever! Age for said clothing is all over the place!
How is OP wrong for wanting a dress code wtf is wrong with not wanting her employee to dress more conservatively? Ya people are twisted
@@rkrs843 Are you the OP?
You sound just like her!
Do you expect the nanny to just sit on a chair and watch? If so, then a dresscode might work...
But it seems to me OP only wanted a dresscode because she was afraid the husband AND SON would be disturbed by the clothers she might wear!
And THAT are the wrong reasons for a dresscode!
@@robertx8020 you sound brilliant. How would anyone, let alone a young man or even a grown one not have that in their line of sight and not be distracted. If it’s in your line of view, of course it’ll be ffs.
@@rkrs843 The male child is 5 years old. And you would think the husband is going to be busy with his job as a trainer, unless he works from home (why need the nanny in that case?) the interactions between the nanny and husband should be limited to when he leaves to work or when he gets home.
Also if some hanky panky were to ensue do you think formal attire cannot be removed like comfortable attire can?
"your food is trash" "so I'm not cooking for you anymore 🤷🏽" "YOU WITCH!!!!!!!" how can you break your mother heart over and over again, see she is making an effort to comfort you with "step mom food preference" and still tell her she is not good enough??????? wow, just wow. Teenagers are really something aren't they
4th story. Sorry may be an unpopular answer. NTA. OP does communicate, even offers solutions to her problems, which the EX does not want any part of. And yet she continues to gripe about the same things. I would not want to hear it over and over, when there are obvious and available solutions. You can not help someone who refuses to help themselves. If I have offered help as a solution to the problem and they refuse, then I don't want to hear about it any more. If you will not let me help, then why should I have to hear about it over and over. Nope NTA OP.
I feel like she keeps complaining because OP is not offering her the solution she was fishing for, mainly OP paying for her childcare costs. She keeps bringing it up because she is hoping he will finally go "Why don't I just pay for it if it is so hard on you."
@@ruthmeow4262 that is true and likely the case. He is still not the A hole. especially if he is already paying child support while sharing custody.
Story 2: YTA. Hun, is the “Tight” part what’s inappropriate here? Because if it is then your just insecure and paranoid. If it’s not and you just want her to dress “Professionally” for watching children then your too snobby for your own good.
She’s not hiring a teacher, she’s hiring a NANNY-someone to watch her children! This woman is creepy in her assumptions!
I’m the eldest and got my siblings most weekends and literally wear half the stuff the lady said the nanny couldn’t. I damn assure you I ain’t trying shit with the kids lmao. Also it’s usually better to keep up with them.
@@magnarcreed3801 She's probably more worried about her *husband* and looking for someone to blame when he strays.
@@thedorkone1516
That’s her and the husbands issue. Can’t trust men to not cheat? Don’t marry them. Th bough I do agree with your assessment.
But leggings and crop top for a nanny is a nope for me esh
Sisters!!!! As in plural, wow
With Erin, it’s time for a parenting plan. The parents need to connect, share facts and come up with a plan.
It definitely sounds like she is playing them they need to compare notes and see if there is any difference between Mike's Erin and Op's Erin.
That first story towards the end oh by the way my husband's 30 where I was 18 that hit me like hard I was about to crash on my bike before I listening to this s*** my God dang
Story 1, the fact that the "sisters" never apologized, reached out to see their own niece shows how little they thought of op. It shows that they enjoyed op's husband and didn't care about Op at all. Good on the family for chewing the sisters out and defending op. What the older parasite said is BS, it was completely her place to tell the niece what she did, she was being manipulative and trying to pain op as the bad guy and not her. The ex should be mad at the older parasite not op. Op wouldn't have had to tell her daughter that if it wasn't for that b*tch. I think she planned that to get back at op and the ex husband, I wouldn't be surprised if she blames op and probably the ex husband for everything that happened and the family hating her. But he's an A-hole for blaming op, it was only going to hurt worse if the kid found out she was lied to. Because judging by the older parasite's actions, she would have made the truth come out one way or another. I do agree with the comment over the parasite also doing it because she's excluded from the relationship when the ex gets to have his relationship with his daughter. So she decided that if she couldn't have a relationship then neither can he and also wanted to get back at them.
Holy crap!! 16 year old kid should be cooking for everyone in the household. If she had to come up with 2 meals per day for 7 days per week for 4 weeks per month ON HER OWN, she'd be finding mom's food scrumptious. Tell her that she's grounded for 1 month, and SHE'S doing the cooking. Any flying monkeys get blocked. Grounding also means NO ELECTRONICS. If she needs inspiration for dinner, tell her that the school library will probably have cookbooks for her to use. After a week, she'll be crying for mom to forgive her. If she wants to live with Dad, let her. But tell Dad NO CHILD SUPPORT. Mom and BF will have a lovely staycation.
Final Story: NTA. She can whine about this all she wants, but at the end of the day your only concerned about your Daughter and frankly speaking you’ve got your own issues, you don’t have the time or the patients to here a grown woman’s issue.
I like this man I don't like problems I like solutions, It's stupid to think he'd do something in divorce that he wouldn't do in the marriage ..
I think this is another one of those situations that if the roles were reversed they will have the opposite judgment.
@@Symphonia30 agree and I often reverse the genders to see if I have the same judgment and in most cases I do
I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem
The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby.
and the ex is also right that having OP's family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue.
It’s bad enough having one family member sleep with your ex-husband but two of them they should be ashamed.
She's old enough to know the truth about her father and aunts. Now daughter does not have to put up with any of them.
I work with the teacher who where is super tight leggings every day and her shirt generally stop at her waist and if she raises her arms at all you can see her stomach. We’re both overweight but when I wear leggings I wear a tunic dress over it and the dress comes down to my knees. Just because I wouldn’t wear a short shirt like that doesn’t mean I would ever dream of telling her she shouldn’t dress like that.
NTA-story 1: The aunt would have told the daughter about the affair if mom made up a different story about what happened. Good thing mom told the truth.
1st story: NTA.
The ex is such a POS. He permanently broke the relationship of 3 sisters and still causing trouble for that family
Op sisters are not innocent in this
Edit don’t get me wrong Op ex is a POS but her sisters are worse
STORY #1
NTA. If you and your child’s other parent aren’t together then your kid should know why. It involves them, and they’re owed the truth. The fact that it took until daughter was 16 to learn this is a failure on OP’s part. If the truth makes daughter want to disown her father than that’s *her* call to make, not OP’s.
UPDATE
Letting daughter make the call is a good move, but daughter should have learned about the affair before this point.
Why? Daughter wasn’t old enough to know when it happened, and he made amends and they reconciled enough to coparent. A child is too young to understand and a teen is too volatile to react rationally. This should’ve been a discussion when she was actually an adult.
Nanny story: nta. If you work for someone, they get to dictate a dresscode, period.
The cooking parent story : I had a time when I was super stressed out due to my dad's passing, my little half brother testing my limits, my stepdad trying to take my father's role and trying to get my bachelor's.
It provoked some food related problems : I developed lactose intolerance, getting skin rash with some food, couldn't eat food with a strong smell or taste and meat/eggs tasting as if I licked an iron plate.
Nothing found by doctors, I took it in my own hands and went with my mom grocery shopping and cooked my own food, made salads as well as rice with Gambas and coconut milk etc etc, I didn't expect my mom to make something for me, still tasted everything she cooked and sometimes ate it a bit but never plainly criticized her efforts cooking for us all!
It’s not misogynistic to expect a standard of dress from an employee. It’s not awful to ask for people to dress modestly.
It’s stupid to expect someone who’s going to be active, messy and alone with kids for long amounts of time to dress to office standards
I went from office job to nanny, and if I had to wear my office attire chasing those kids, I would have charged extra
Ok, I'm a big fan of the last OP. I will adopt his phrase, "I don't like problems I like solutions."
And the cherry on top he established his boundaries perfectly, with a perfect call back to every inche of her bullshit. We are not dating anyone, I don't own you a sympathetic ear. You are right, this is why we broke up and if I didn't do it the relationship why the hell are you expecting me to do when there is no relationship?
1st story... this is something that cheaters just don't seem to understand. Sooner or later the truth always comes out. The daughter was always going to find out. It's inevitable.
Expecting a female employee to dress appropriately is NOT misogyny.
OMFG NO ONE SHOULD BE EXPECTED TO LIE TO PROTECT A WRONGDOER
Story1: Huge NTA. OP would be the jerk if she didn't tell her daughter the truth. Cheating daddy hasn't changed or learned a thing, if he's blaming OP. His dirty secret was going to come out one way or the other. He can suck it up and face the consequences for his choices. And the sh*t-ster was absolutely being manipulative.
NTA. Your adulteress sister brought this to your daughter. The guilty parties want you to lie? Your sister tried to cause trouble. Your daughter is brilliant. Ex husband is a creep
The story about the nanny. Leggings are not unprofessional neither yoga pants. Teachers wear both of those all the time. If your husband and son can't control themselves around a woman in activewear you have a bigger problem than what your Nanny wears. It is extremely misogynistic to believe that but it's also pretty insulting to men. It's misogynistic because it's blaming women because some little boys can't control themselves. Real men who can control themselves that kind of thinking must be really insulting to them. They can be around women in all kinds of clothes/ situations and not feel the need to do anything inappropriate. They behave as respectful kind human being. It's not even that they need self-control because they don't have those Desires in the first place. So that kind of ridiculous belief is misogynistic and misandry.
Edit I'm glad the nanny didn't take the job you sound super toxic.
Fucking agreed. Bisexual female and anytime an attractive woman wears something flattering, if I have issue I look away.
I work in an office, with a dress code, leggings/yoga pants are extremely unprofessional and I'm sick of the women in my office getting away with wearing them because nobody has enough sack to call them out.
Sorry ladies... nobody, but the office creep, wants to see your v@gina and it's time you got over it. It's not about men not being able to control themselves, it's about people being sick of obviously BS claims like "leggings and yoga pants are professional"... sweat pants are also not professional but they comfortable. Can the nanny not wear those instead.
Let's be clear, just because you would wear leggings and yoga pants in a professional setting doesn't mean they're professional. It just means you think you don't have to follow the rules that everybody else does.
@@goawayleavemealone2880
Lmao or grow up and they don’t care about what you think about their vaginas and it’s just what they’re comfortable in. What’s “professional” is constantly changing based off the current culture and hate to break it to you sweetheart but the culture is shifting to a more relaxed setting. Get over it and either wear some yourself or look away.
@@magnarcreed3801 - The "I dress like this for me" claim is also BS and nobody with a functioning brain is buying it anymore. It's just irritating seeing women sexualise themselves while whining about being sexualised and form fitting garments do get sexualised, I'll even use a male garment as an example... wrestling singlet. You wouldn't believe how many gay men have that fetish, I know I am one of them.
Also "grow up" isn't an argument, like all insults it's an admission that you don't have a point. You'll notice that when I say something vaguely insulting it's part of what I'm saying, it's not the only thing I'm saying.
@@goawayleavemealone2880
You’re the one sexualizing them. Ever wear leggings? They comfy af. Only issue? No pockets.
Hope you don’t view little girls that wear leggings the same way 🤮 or are they also wearing it to be sexy or because they like it?
You might only live for the opposite sexes sexual appeal but not everybody does.
The nanny thing it's curious, i noticed a lot they require a "uniform" but also play with the kids and be "like a teacher" a lot of them in the country i live request the nanny to actually have a teacher degree and I'm like...you are paying a minimum or less than in a lot of cases and you request a professional to work with your kid in awful job environment aka " jealous wife/creepy husband/ abusive family"
Last story... there will never be an agreement. The ex wife is whining about not affording babysitters, and when given solutions to help her out, she declines. If the child is a screamer when she doesn’t know the sitter, ex hubby’s suggestions should be more appealing as she already knows her sitters. Yes, it happens to be the ex wife’s in laws and ex wife doesn’t want to use them, basically because they are not her parents. If she doesn’t want to use the in laws which offered, which would dissolve her money issue for a sitter. She is the ahole because a solution was right in front of her.
She no longer likes ANYTHING she cooks. Makes sense that OP wants her to cook her own food.
You did good with your daughter you never lie to your kids because it always comes out in the end and then they get mad at you never lie to the children
Those ages in the first story immediately caught my attention. If my math is correct then the mom married that bastard when she was 18 and he was 31. Holy fucking shit how was anyone okay with that?!
This is something that really annoys me about many many SO and Ex. You know how your partner does things. Things that won’t change. Yet you keep trying to do things that you know the other won’t like or do. You expect the other to change to your ways because you are expressing that.
Ahh...did OP say she got married to a 30 year old while she was 18? That is usually very unwise
Story #3 - It's pretty obvious that OP's daughter has decided she rather live with dad and his wife. I'm sure she does think the grass is greener. The adults who think OP is starving her daughter need to sit down and hear OP's side instead of throwing accusations around. The kid's a sneak. OP needs to tell all parties involved exactly what's been going on.
Sorry, but you need to let your daughter go live with her father full time. Let's see if the grass remains greener when she and her "wonderful" dad and stepmother are together permanently. She's always there now anyway, let's see whose shine wears off first, daughter's, dad's or stepmom's. Let's see if they really want to live with that obnoxious, entitled little brat on a regular basis. Only time will tell. OP needs to stop being the scapegoat and let the kid go.
The parents did the right thing.Instead of fighting OP and her boyfriend,they chose to keep her within arms length.
As we all know,some teenagers are stubborn and OP might cut off ties with her family just to be with the man.
All 3 sisters? Yeah. You know that's going to go down well.
Story 1: This is also why kids should not have social media. She can find out when she is 18 and decide how to do that.
What does social media have to do with it?
@@magnarcreed3801 I guess because that's how the aunt contacted her? Absurd justification for that idea but yeah.
If op did lie in story 1 and the daughter eventually finds out, which probably always happens, than daughter probably get mad at the op too.
Agree always tell the truth even if it’s painful because like in this story it set Op free
Why is no one talking about how utterly disgusting the sisters are? Are they not capable of being judged for their equally horrid and vile actions against their sister as much as the POS ex husband?
Agree normally I would say Op ex is horrible to the max but her sister are 10 times worse because at the end of the day he is just a dude she met and married they are her family
The last story….. I’ll just share how my Daughter & her Ex Co-Parent my 12 yr old Granddaughter ❤
Beautifully, and wonderfully that’s how!
Ok they got pregnant, then married then less than 2 yrs later divorced. First they moved 3500 miles to his Parents. They spilt quickly after moving in with them, out in the countryside. J as Ill call her and K, him still kept it polite. The only thing in their divorce was that neither could take My GD out of the state. They shared custody & costs so there was no child support.
His mom watched her seeing as They lived there & She was retired. It worked great. If a trip came up off schedule they switched happily. When I flew to visit he let GD stay 3 full weeks with only a few visits from him and 1 overnight at his place. We had a very happy healthy child! She never saw them fight or disrespect one another. Move to last May. GD turned 12. She also has a 4 yr old Sister from Daddy & an Ex-StepMom. She also has a 2 1/2 yr old Sister from Mommy & StepDaddy! I moved here while my Daughter moved a 7 hr drive away. They asked her at age 9 what She wanted. She chose to stay here with her Daddy, other Grandparents and her friends. She spends summers, school holiday vacations, etc up w/ her Mom. It breaks my Daughter’s heart because it breaks the girls hearts to be apart. She is truly the best, most loving Big Sister ever! We hear it constantly!
Then Christmas of 2020 arrives. Her amazing Grandma, who watched her since the age of 2 (I had her full time from birth to then) They were bffs and I had to put my feelings aside to be ok with that. Well early hours of Christmas Morning Her other Grandma, 61 had a massive heart attack
And died.
On Christmas Morning.
To say we were all devastated is an understatement for sure.
Her Grandpa moved on quickly and by Easter was engaged and had moved out and on.
He signed the property & house to my Granddaughters Daddy! My Daughter grieved deeply for her ex mil. We were dear friends. The mutual Support between my Ex son in law & My Daughter & her Husband was beautiful & they put their daughter first! Seeing that She was ok was their highest priority. Even my GD’s little Sisters Mom was a part of this. After all her little one lost her too!
So back to May, I drive over for the birthday party. I know her Dad doesn’t like me but he is nice for her sake. I’m texting my Daughter saying I’ll get FaceTime going as soon as I’m inside. I open the door to see My Daughter, My Son in law and my 2 yr old Granddaughter! They surprised us by driving down! This was what really got me. I see HIS 4 yr old in the arms of my Son in law calling him Uncle Steve! I see MY 2 yr old asking my Ex SIL with her hands motioning to grab her “hold me Uncle Chris” I get a hug by all of them! And I saw 4 Adults My Granddaughters Mom, Dad, stepdad and ex stepmom ALL GETTING ALONG BEAUTIFULLY! I see 3 HAPPY HEALTHY little Girls having a blast!
After all Daddy rented a huge blow up slide they hooked houses up to!
The exwife/ex stepmom/ mom to her 4 yr old Sis and my daughter got in a fist fight once! So after they went off and talked things out knowing that could never happen again!
Ya know boys were at the party too and my Granddaughters suit showed her side lol She is SO modest she wore a sports bra under and shorts over! lol One 11 yr old was practically wearing a thong. My GD gave her shorts! All on her own!
Sorry this is so long, I just haven’t shared this before. I’m extremely proud of these adults for being good to each other for the sake of their kids!
OP’s Ex really needed to just say “yea that bites” and leave it. They don’t need to be friends but he is feeding the anger. There is no reason. No he didn’t need to be her therapist but it’s in his child’s best interest if he is kind! Doing only the absolute minimum ultimately hurts that child!
I tease my Daughter & her Ex they could write a book on how to coparent! Seeing those 3 girls in May made my heart grow with love & pride! Now if we could all just live in the same county ❤
The Nanny story: Do all the people laughing at the op for her standards know what the super expensive nannies the rich use wear? Here’s a hint, it’s not leggings. I will say if you want your nanny to wear a particular ‘uniform’ you should pay for it.
It never fails, cheaters are natural narcissists. It’s like a fundamental fact that never changes. Liars at the core. Only thinks of themselves and to hell with how those they « love » or innocent parties are affected. I find this also rings true for DUI individuals. In my experience with several of them, they share the exact same traits.
Story 1...lying now wouldve caused more damage in the future when daughter eventually found out the truth. If ex wants to blame anyone, give him his ex-side-pieces number.
Nah the aunt wanted her to know. The truth was gonna come out 1 way or another.
Story 1: the first paragraph already gave me big yikes. He married her when she was 18 and he was 31!
Holy sh*t, a story with a family that didn't treat the bad guys over their victim? Miracles do happen. Lol
It's refreshing to know that not all families are toxic and manipulative. Good on OP for protecting her daughter and not letting the sisters near her daughter because "faammmiiilllyyyy!"
Story two: I was a flight attendant for over 35 years. The job is very physical. Lots of crawling into meal carts to pull out trays, etc.. Wearing yoga pants on a 15 hour flight to China would have been more comfortable, but NOT PROFESSIONAL. You can dress comfortably and still look professional. Maybe the mother set a standard for her children and didn't want a nanny to dress in a contradictory manner.
You can ask for a dress standard but whether of not you will get a good employee under those conditions is what you need to work out
Story 1: NTA but at same time should of talked to daughter with calm and have him their explain he had problems and that u haven't forgiven him but u moved on and that she shouldn't of ignored him for u. But also explain that ur sisters where ones who where affair partners they knew your husband was ur husband so she shouldn't see them as family if she doesn't see her father as father.
Story 1: I don't see why your ex is mad, you didn't do anything but tell the truth. If she found out you lied about something that's important she might be upset at you for it, you do not owe him not risk. And he should be mad that your sister who intentionally planted these seeds, who honestly deserve that smack in the face for doing that.
He's mad because OP wasn't going to cover his back once the aunt had planted her seeds. He like a typical selfish cheating rat expected OP to flat out lie to their daughter so he wouldn't have to face her judgement or the consequences of his actions from her once she discovered the truth about what a louse he really is. Cheaters want their cake and eat it too, but they don't want to accept the responsibility of paying for it when the bill finally comes due.
He’s mad cause his daughter cut contact. If she hadn’t cut contact he wouldn’t be upset
When a parent cheats they are also cheating on their child.
Last Story: NTA
and those comments calling him TA or ESH are ridiculous, she tells him she has a problem and he offers a solution, anything beyond that is not his problem since he is doing his part as a parent while she refuses to accept his help
Last story
So the ex doesn't want help from OP's family, but she wants OP to listen to her problems.
The whole "OP could claim she is a bad mom" thing is invalid, since the ex is having her daughter looked after by someone else anyway. OP could spin it as "she is a bad mother" anyway.
I think OP is ignoring (or is in denial about) the real problem.
The child is 3 She'd be in her first year of pre-school where I live, She's old enough that she shouldn't be having such a strong bad reaction to people outside the family even if she is a Covid Baby.
I think Ex is saying this behavior is making it really hard to find childcare. And OP is (and a lot of people here are) ignoring the behavior and focusing on the childcare part
and EX is also right that having his family child-mind during her time isn't a solution not only because anything that regularly blurs custody lines is a bad idea but because would only reinforce the behavioral issue at the core of all this.
The child will need to get used to being left with new people eventually. What happens if she gets to school age still screaming her head off? What if this is a sign of a deeper issue?
@@sfsin3380 possible, but 3 year old are also often still testing boundaries, especially if the parents are divorced. The problem (according to OP) is, that the ex wants sympathy, but is not looking for a solution.
If the ex reacts like OP is describing, she wouldn't like suggestions of therapy or other measures either. That is IF we believe OP.
Last story - I bet the ex-GF wants OP to offer money for daycare on GF's time. Financial help. And honestly - 3 year olds will pitch a fit for a huge number of reasons, but that's no good reason to not use a decent affordable daycare. OP is lucky his mother is willing and able to help out. GF isn't helping anybody with her attitude about daycare.
She was 16 and he was 28? And he slept with both of her sisters? And she still thinks dude wasn't being manipulative? Oh that poor OP, still not realizing what a creepo she allowed into her life.
Dude. They are sisters not Pokemon; you’re not supposed to collect them all. Never lie to your kid.
Nope, if you lied she’d have found out some how. Someone in your family would have brought it up to her, as she gets older