Losing favourite person is as painful as a death for bpd people. Its absolute hell on earth. I cant even describe it. Its a horrible existence for bpd sufferers.
Grief can also be rejection, a friend that abuses you when you least expected it, not being heard, a hospital turning you away when you arrive asking for help... Trying to find help... this is a huge grief process, raising children without support, going without food or help or support... Or validation. Acceptance. Grief doesn't have to be a loss of someone. I find huge grief reaching out for help from hospitals, acute care etc to be abused, put down, mocked insulted because I don't quite "look suicidal". Or like I've had a tough life. Therefore I don't get help. This is a very unspoken grief. x
Grief because I was not being heard, believed, understood is a big one for me. So hurtful and frustrating when it happens with people and professionals who should know the signs and symptoms and they don't make the connection.
I also grieve hard in all aspects of life, all the small details. In one way I am more aware of and in touch with the reality that we can experience small grief daily. In other ways, I get lost and stuck in it, like a dark melancholy.
yes to you Cheryl and Sara and Melancholika's replies below. Reaching out and being rejected and/or misunderstood is also a kind of loss. There are many losses other than losing a person that can elicit strong feelings of bereftness and sadness and require tools for healing. Thanks to all of you for pointing out these other instances as they are very important.
We can help ourselves. Sometimes not finding help from others is a result of our inner beliefs and expectations and from our own ideas of ourselves. We may see ourselves as unimportant and believe our needs arent as important as the needs of others. We may feel we dont deserve help and support or have expectations of not being heard or validated. Teachings from people like Neville Goddard give methods for changing our beliefs and (often unconscious) expectations." How do I change my beliefs and expectations?" Is a question you need to ask in order to find your way to achieving this.
I wish this doctor was right ght here in my town. I wish more therapists would speak this way. I have a high level of understanding of this disorder and don't need the content to be watered down. He's app about incite, and incite is where it's at!
I REALLY appreciate your positive advice and understanding. Last year I lost my favorite person, my soulmate, the love of my life. I came home and very unexpectadly found him dead. He had just turned 50. He was the ONLY man that ever told me he loved me that didn't abuse me physically and emotionally in my whole life! We were married for 2 years, had been together for 8, but knew each other for almost 30 years. We were TRULY HAPPY and I feel VERY LUCKY that I found a love a lot of people search thier while lives for and never find. At the same time the loss is SO BEYOND DEVESTATING!!! Now my new favorite person I have attached to during this grief is pulling away. We have talked and been around each other almost every day for over a year. I know I'm being oversensitive, she still loves me, she just has her own life and is healing from the grief that made us connect so much in the first place. LIVING WITH BPD IS SO DAMN DIFFICULT AND HURTS SO BAD!!! Your video is very caring and helpful!!! Keep up the good work!!!
Thank you so much for doing a video on complicated grief. I finally have a name for what I went through several years ago after the loss of a relationship. I cried every day, couldn't stop thinking about the relationship (dysfunctional as it was) and this went on for months and months, even up to 2 years after the loss. At the time I couldn't find any description about what I was going through. This was 2009-2011. I'm so releived there is a name for it. I think I might get this book for my mom who recently lost my dad 3 months ago to cancer. She may benefit from it in case she develops complicated grief.
@@jodiecrawford258 My memories are still vivid. But I have more perspective about why things happened the way they did. I have a lot less confusion and pain.
You’re always spot on. I was diagnosed with complicated grief, BPD as well as complex PTSD. It can be overwhelming but I allow my faith in God to help me. Your BPD workbook was so helpful and love your videos.
It can also be grieving the loss of self or grieving the loss of love and support you should have received as a child. And the person you could've been.
A big part of my grief is around the relationship with my mum. She's still alive. It's like I'm grieving a life unlived. A relationship unrealised. "I don't feel good mum, I don't know what's going on" could quite well describe my life growing as a teenager. It just got worse. And it's like I'm grieving that loss, that things once we're ok and now aren't. And feeling that loss from my mum. It hurts.
I already went through SIX years in therapy and then my “favorite person” therapist said, “ I don’t know how to treat this....I am inexperienced with dealing with your attachment.” That destroyed me. Now what, start over? I don’t have the energy, NOR do I want to develop any future attachments. I am trying to work through this on my own. It’s extremely painful and My only hope lies with going home to my Heavenly Father. I have living experience that relationships=loss, one sidedness, no reciprocity, no substance, all take, little give on their part. I explained this to my brothers and they stopped speaking to me. People DO NOT understand.
Your therapist should have mentioned a treatment called DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which is a type of group therapy for people with borderline and other similar conditions. I've done it for about a year and it does help a lot. The therapy sessions are very organized and they go over the material step by step. My psychiatrist recommended it to me. Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist who will know more about it and other treatment for you.
Sara Keisler Thank you so much for your response. He did mention it toward our last few sessions but then became frustrated and shook the DBT info and exclaimed, “I can’t learn this!” I am grieving our impasse. I am supposed to go for EMDR or DBT but can’t handle another strong attachment that will end.
@@loveahusky ok I am glad he brought the topic up to you because that is the responsible thing to do. I understand what it is like to have to switch therapists. There are many different reasons to switch and don't feel bad. It happens to a lot of us. I agree that attachments to certain people are extremely strong and it ends up feeling very painful. I've been through that so many times. Be nice to yourself...it's ok that you had that happen. It's frustrating. But keep getting treatment. I recommend DBT.
My mom passed away last week and I’m really struggling to feel anything at times. I have BPD and C-PTSD and some other shit like agitated depression, anxiety and attachment trauma to deal with. I’ve been obsessing with self help videos on here to stay busy, distractions so I don’t grieve I think. I’m mostly confused about my feelings because of the love/hate, emotional abusive, co-dependent relationship I had with my mom. I feel sad but relieved. I feel angry but at peace, I feel lost but ready to start living my own life. I’m scared of having an emotional breakdown and disassociating for too long or may not even come back if I let myself feel too much grief. But logically I know I must go through the process. Like everyone else I wish I lived closer to Dr. Fox so I could seek help from him. Dr. Fox keep helping us by continuing to make such wonderful videos. We need you!!!
In my experience I feel responsible for what happens even to others. So if I hear of a loss or have one in my life I feel shame, guilt and that it was my fault. I hold that in and so the grief just sits inside. *another aspect is i find other people see things that happen in life as being outside of their responsibility. It's just life where my feeling is "it's all my fault. " Sorry for the long reply's. X
Cheryl, do not feel sorry for your reply :) you have all the space you need. I feel the same, I always feel responsible for what happens to other people even tough I KNOW it's not true. Earlier in the afternoon, some neighbors were arguing quite virulently, and I arched my back like a frightened cat as if they were scolding me!. Of course they didn't but I can't help myself to feel aggressed and responsible for others' reactions. Take care 💜
Dr Fox I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all the work you do. I’ve been watching your videos for several months and have been working on bettering myself and controlling my BPD. I just ordered your new BPD workbook. You are very much appreciated for all you do to help people like myself.
Thank you, always feel better and learn more about BPD with your videos you spread hope to so many others and myself. It's ironic that a few years ago. I was desperately looking for answers for what was going on with me. Your the channel that I came across that I told myself, that's me! It was like a light bulb went off. I shortly afterwards went to therapy and was diagnosed with BPD just ironic that I'm Daniel Fox. Born and raised in Texas. You can't make some things up in life. Keep up the good work sir.
Thankyou Dr Fox he died in 2007 he suicided in 2007 I've never accepted it , yes they told me I have complicated grief , I just don't let go . Thankyou for covering this . He was a ex partner. Yes I look at his photo everyday . You have described this perfectly . Wishing I could go back too the past but we can't live in the past that is heartbreaking .
Lost my Dad in 2010. Dx Borderline personality 40 years ago. I just recieved your new workbook today. Thank you. I was just released from hospital for attempting suicide 1 week ago. At first only sorry I didn't suceed, I just wanted to go to sleep like my Dad. But I have to fight this battle. Tapering 40 years of Benzodiazepines which I now know do not work for BPD. To bad the Dr's are so ignorant about Benzodiazepines and the danger of taking them long term. Thank you for helping us understand clear why we react the way we do to things such as Grief...
When someone dies that I care about, I feel guilty and feel like I could have done more for them and maybe they would have been around a little longer. I also have an issue with being pre-occupied with my favorite person, they are still alive but moved out of state, I am still in contact with them but I think about them often and some times I can get lost into thought thinking about them. This is another good video Dr.Fox, thank you, now I know why I do the things I do when I lose someone to death or if one of my favorite people moves out of state or far away and gives me some thing to think about.
It’s so nice to have language to put to what I’ve been feeling for the last 11 years. My dad committed suicide when I was 8 and that was how I developed BPD. It makes sense now on how those can be connected. Thank you for making this video.
Dr Fox, thankyou for this. My mother was given a terminal cancer diagnosis recently & everything is in flux with me. My mother us a very pragmatic person with no fuss, but my biggest supporter & worries about leaving me & that's guilting me out & breaking my heart. I don't know what the future looks like, a complete mess, if I'm honest, but perhaps I can turn back to this video as a small framework in that mess. Thanks again.
It’s a mind blown. That was my story 1000 times. After I lost my husband, I grieve for 14 years. Wow I didn’t know ,that was the bpd. Ohh my God. Thank your doctor Fox you’re truly a gift from God. I appreciate you for everything you do for the people like me and the first time in my life I found one person understand me completely.👍🙏💞
I feel like this too a lot. But please let's try to live the best we can. Please dont give in. Take rest..then we gotta get out a bit. Then rest..we can't give up. We are life too. We can bloom. And we can do our best..i hope you feel better. I am crying right now. Im very sad but I still want to help sometimes. God bless you.
I sit outside by my flowers with a art pad and pen and paper. The ground can heal us a bit. It has a resonance that can be measured. Soon im going out to karoke and draw at bars. My engament broke and I am lonley but I want to get a flow going. Please rest but don't give up. We are life itself
I would seriously trust this man’s words. Loss and grief if left untreated or avoided, you can run into many manifestations of psychological and mental issues later on. And by then, you could have more problems to deal with, whereas dealing with the grief head on is much better because you’ll have supportive people to keep you on the right path that is healthiest for you.
Thank you for this video I just lost my grandma who raised me. She was my best friend in the whole world. My favorite person if you will. This is insightful.
I know someone who suffers with BPD. Lashing out at me. I have grieved for her loss as much as I have for my own loved one’s death. It is double suffering. Thank you for your video.
My mother was probably BPD. She cried throughout my childhood. She could not be “there” for me. She ultimately kicked me out at 16 and despite many attempts, she changed her locks and phone number. She never looked back for me. I went on to get a bachelors degree with high honors and carried the pain. She didn’t even come to my graduation and never met my kids....her grandchildren. She turned me away at her end when she was dying of cancer. I drove six hours to try and see her and bring her a rose and an apology for whatever it was I did. I still don’t know. She kicked all her kids out at 16, 14 and 16 years old. I watched them get kicked out, one-by-one and then she met a man who died of SCD. She “snapped” after that and was mentally gone. She emotionally abused me all my life. She died and left me one dollar. How do you ever move forward Dr. Fox? My therapist after six consistent/consecutive years told me he “did not know how to treat BPD.” It was an abrupt cessation or impasse. I grieve him every single day. He was my “favorite person.” I shared my life to him and he’s just gone, retriggering so many losses. I am supposed to get therapy but I can’t handle the thought of starting over and any attachments at this point in my life. All my friends left. I had to stop working because the women were so gossipy and cliquey. Therapy just does not resonate....nothing I do resonates.
+Elizabeth Goyette this is definitely a loss and grief issue. I’m not pushing my own stuff but my workbook may help. I created it as so many individuals struggle with similar issues and I encourage them to be empowered and take charge. Sometimes self work can be a place to start until you feel comfortable to reengage in treatment.
I believe, for some reason we also resist processing grief. Another TH-cam's and coach in Attachment also did a video on complicated grief from the Anxious attachment perspective, and used my question as the focal point of the video. This is a topic so often not talked about. I'm definitely ordering this book!!!!!!
Yes we often do resist processing grief because it does feel painful. Yet the work of dealing with our bereavement is so important. Unprocessed grief doesn't go away, it can show up later in different forms such as anxiety.
@@dr.sherrycormier1770 ty for answering; perhaps for BPD it "feels" or "seems" more painful because of the other surrounding pathologies, so we resist even more.
Thankyou so much I am needing to do grief focused therapy as my dad passed 13 years ago and I cant move on. I live in the past and hate any changes that have been made in the past 13 years to the point I hate people when they have a new job, new house etc since. I have bpd
Hi Peaches. I am very sorry to hear about your dad and that it has been hard for you to heal from this loss. Of course we don't ever get over grief - that is not the goal - the goal is healing enough to integrate the loss into our live so it doesn't dominate how we feel and think over time. I hope you have a therapist and you can bring up your grief with this person. It is important to tell our story of loss to help us move forward. Best to you.
I needed this. A long distance girlfriend who became a good friend committed suicide after reaching out & I still struggle to accept she’s gone & move on. A best friend was also murdered after calling my phone number but I was busy studying. It’s hard not to ruminate on both if I just answered the call they might still be here. Both super important people to me. Both contacted me last. Felt huge shame & guilt for years. Still do. Makes it difficult to get attached to people fully now because everyone seems to have a used by date I never knew I had so much responsibility for. My Dr also committed suicide after seeing him last & he confided in me how bad things were. Gone. That was super tough too. The smartest guy I knew, that knows how to fix things other can’t, gave up. Made me want to give up. Cried so much with each. Lived in a hyper-vigilant state for days. “Complicated grief” it makes sense now . I’ve lost family members & not been phased but accepted their time had come these favourites shocked me and shattered my reality. Still do. All suddenly removed from my future.
I found holding my own ritual to let them go helped somehow writing a letter & burning it. I know it’s irrational. For one I messaged her Snapchat for years & still do when I miss her. Letter her know things are okay. It’s hard to let go & let the memory of her die.
You have had some really tough losses to work through and deal with. Hard stuff. I hope you have a great therapist and /or support group helping you through this. Sending you peace and comfort as you continue to work thru these losses.
Thank you so much for focusing on this, I lost all my parents and my mother in law and a span of three years. I lost all my identity, hope, and love for life. I just don't know how to fucking function anymore and your video helped me cry harder than I had in years. I'm so fucking lucky to find your videos. I love that you make me feel like a human being who is worthy and lovable because I don't know how to right now but I have hope I can in my life.
yup.. lost 5+ years of my life over this. when i first found out, i called my mom bawling and she hung up on me. when she called a whole 24 hours later, i was STILL hysterical and hadn't stopped crying that entire time. after this i was homeless for years and no one knew. that event made me feel so completely lost and hopeless, railroad tracks and dark alleyways were the only place i wanted to be. it's crazy to think of how distraught i actually was. luckily i am far passed this now with a great career at 29. i keep getting told by counselors and psychiatrists that they believe i have C-PTSD, not BPD even though i possess all of the symptoms. in some ways i think they're giving me "the benefit of the doubt" only because I've managed to stop drinking and smoking. does having BPD mean you basically have no willpower over impulses? can the borderline go into histrionic personality disorder as well? are you accepting new clients in the houston area? lol
Thanks for this vid. I went through this all last year and most of this year. It was debilitating. I even look like I aged a few years. It was the end of my relationship with my favorite person.
I definitely struggle with this. Lost my last family members in 2013/2014. Can’t seem to get traction in life. I started reading Sweet Sorrow last night. Thank you.
Hi Joy. I am sorry you lost several family members, that is so tough.I believe Sweet Sorrow will help you learn some strategies for coping. Best to you.
hi joy i know you made this comment a while ago but i was wondering what your thoughts were on the book and if you found it to be actually helpful in dealing with your own grief? i would like to give it a try but it is quite expensive at the moment so I am hoping someone can tell me if it was worth it.
I very obviously have suffered with Complicated Grief but never heard mention of it. I have bipolar/Cptsd/eating disorder diagnoses but although no-one has diagnosed borderline in me I do recognise those traits within myself. My baby died from SIDS decades ago and with no treatment in those days my mental health spiralled downwards. It's a very long journey and so much more information available nowadays. This gentleman is so compassionate. I've never been able to understand why borderline disorder has been so stigmatised, it's so very cruel when many of us have suffered from parental narcissistic abuse, suffering emotional/physical/sexual abuse. Why would anyone think badly of such individuals is beyond me.
Thank you for this info. I have been having this struggle for awhile now and had no idea this is what it was!! You definitely described me and what I've been trying to figure out with my therapist. Once again great video! ❤
Wow, this "hits home." WOAH -- I call what it does to me as "death jumpy" and a feeling that I died when my aunt died. Many others have died in a VERY short time period. I had no idea I had BPD when all the deaths were happening, and I'm understanding myself more and more. Your insight and all that you provide helps between face-to-face specialized therapy. I'm sure that my having C-PTSD hasn't helped matters either. Only two months of being diagnosed with BPD with a side of Executive Dysfunction from some SERIOUS traumatic situations in my life. Thanks again for taking the time to make all the videos you have, and the explanations, etc. It is truly meaningful to help better understand myself and get this back into remission.
Hi sir. Thank you for your videos on BPD. I always go up to them for some lvl of support when I feel getting emotional again...which is quite often 😂😂😂 you're really a safe space. Hope you're doing great and are healthy 🤗🤗🤗
My daughter’s dad abandoned us before she was even born. We just found out he died a couple of weeks ago. She's been having a slow decline and this video helped me to bring up the possibility of in patient. She's never a fan, 3 times in 4 months before they figured out she had BPD under all of the PTSD. But she's considering it tonight. I wish there was another way. But mostly I need her safe. And her method is fairly certain. Thank god for technology and all the places I would have never been able to access help from before.
I just lost my mom 9 months ago an I also have BPD so this was very informative thank u. I’ll be watching more of ur videos and I’m subscribed as well.
I lost my half sister when I was 13 (7 years ago now). I know I never dealt with it properly, but I was a kid, and my parents knew nothing about loss and children - how were we to know what a healthy recovery from such a loss would look like? I now believe that loss triggered BPD for me (as well as severe depression, which I've known about for years). But the specific points you mentioned I definitely recognise from 7 years ago, and sometimes even to this day. I don't like to talk about my sister, and, when I get intrusive thoughts about her, I have to distract myself immediately. Previously, after my first series of counselling sessions, I've been relatively open to getting diagnosed and starting treatment, but, due to personal circumstances, being diagnosed with BPD is a truly terrifying possibility. But it's getting to a point where I need help. These videos have really helped me realise what's going on inside my head and what needs to be done to fix it. Thank you, Dr. Fox, you are an awesome person for spreading this info
I am sorry to hear about your sister. And you make such a useful point - often the adults who guide us are clueless about how to heal too. I imagine you perhaps have a therapist and if so, this is a great place to talk about how to engage in healthy healing from loss and to discuss your thoughts and feelings about your sister.
So many family members died back to back when I was a teenager and in my early 20’s. I was exposed to a lot of death in the 90’s. One of my grandparents passed in 2006 and I am really feeling that now. So late. I feel so sad about not being able to see her and where was this before. I wish I could see her and learn new lessons that have been hard to learn. I miss all of these gone people very deeply and yes I feel guilty.
I have BPD and this really helps for the last 3 years my grief has pretty much stayed at about the same in this really helps me figure out why I do some of the things that I do and why it is that much harder to just be okay
My husband died for 1,5 year ago. I have not grief him. I have close my feelings and shut down But now my emotion are very strong for me and I have realise that he ia dead. And I dont want to meet people, and I am exhausting
Struggling with the loss of my mum 💔💞 I knew this would be difficult but my BPD really taking over atm . I’m struggling with just how to move forward in a healthy way . I love my mum x
Question: Why is complicated grief discussed alongside borderline personality disorder? The impression I get is that a person with borderline personality disorder tends to suffer from complicated grief after experiencing a loss. But can someone without BPD undergo complicated grief?
Yes of course especially when you are highly sensitive or have an insecure attachment style or depression or Cptsd or attachment trauma that is common among humans
I’ve been grieving over an ex for 6 months and we only dated 2. It’s exhausting. I just wish my brain would shut up and function normally instead of treating every break up like an existential life change
My father died suddenly from a drug overdose when I was 9 years old back in 1995. I’m now almost 34 years old and still feel to this day that i never properly grieved. I had counseling for a very short time and definitely think I didn’t understand anything at the time since I was a young child. His death still bothers me, I think of him often and I feel it is at my core everyday and the root problem to my major depression. I’m not sure if this is considered complicated grief or not or how i can work through something that is so old and has been an issue for more of my life than not.
Didn't know this term existed. It's exactly what I've been going through. It isn't just loss through death, either. I mourn people who are still alive, and my cats my bastard ex took from me
Thanks that is what my problem is i knew i had greef and guilt as big things but this was a trigger and a epyphony that i have been waiting for and it explains alot of the core sideffects that we go through with bpd and my problem is im a one on on type of person i dont have a big circal but usually find myself hanging out just one one one even if most of us are together and its the one im conection with best out of that week but i didnt really fight with my freinds as we kinda float around like that any way ive watched all your stuff on bpd i was diagnosed from my psychiatrist at age 3 form back in1991 or 1992 and i have went through heavy counsuling therapy and speech thearpy all through grade school off and one where i had breaks of not going but would be back in so like summer breaks and then only a couple other times through jr high i havent went back nor did i ever came back with a dignoses on anything that i can recall during thoughs younger years of myself but i know and was warmed oh told that i am probably going to be one of those people who would having to undergo treatment off and on for the rest of my life and i have faild to do so out of fear this also why i made it where there was going to be no finding of any thing on me and was let go and deemed normal because i didnt want them to see a problem with me and now realize that may now be a biger problem now i regret but now i have footing to go on and not just this crazy person that has no accual mental illness record this still could an issuses sence my cases are also almost 20 years old but i though there really wasnt much wrong witheme tell i started doing research on mental illnesses about 4 years ago and watching those sad what its like living with bpd music videos and they trigerd oh yes i see it but never kew bpd was the cause of the trigers until about a year ago so thank you that was my first epiphan where i could go oh no it s bpd and suscribed to your chanale now a little over a year now since than i relized i had trigures that i found reapt themselves after finding a new guy who i am still with but was sent into a panic attack over seeing him pull out of the drive way afert i told him i was going to try to be back out shorly him taking off and not knowing why i took out the door frantic to holler at him hold on now i didnt want him to think anythings too funny off with me so i played it off still shaking well i said i was going to be back out shorlty and so yiur mot going to be long before your back and thankfully for me he wasnt gone long and stayed good like that for the first begaing but he keeps triggering like on perpose now makse me so mad to hurt so deep i love him i hate him its stupid any way i learnd what but d is andvmy trigerss and surface triggers. And was able to findthe paternes and find out i do have and have had favoite personse I have irritated depression and aggression a little OCD and All or Nothing I have some gray but I do do the black and white and there are times where I think I could die of a broken heart or possibly being one of those with one I've always been real sensitive I have always been told by my mother and by others so when I did tell her of some of the findings I found out and explain to her a little bit about it she told me she wasn't surprised I was hoping not knowing what I was hoping for not this but I've been on a quest to figure out some spiritual growth on myself to find where I'm blocked at menatly and this last on gave me a core contenct now i can go to work and know what im trully asking for when i go back ti treatment cause i need it i was hoping i could do it on my own but it has grown aparent that this is something i should not do on my own i was trying so gard not to have to yet know i should now know that i have to for my self and my family i might accually be ok doing it now im more clear we should find me in a faster trac of health ing versuse finding the sorce to heal .
We forget to mention "shock" in our ailments. We are in a lot of shock and often repetitive and I don't ever hear this mentioned. So there are CLASSICAL HOMEOPATHS WHO WILL PRESCRIBE CERTAIN REMEDIES WHICH I WONT MENTION FOR SAFETY SAKE TO HELP HEAL THOSE LAYERS OR A PRACTIONER TO HELP REGARDLESS OF THE MODALITY. I HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEONE. ITS JUST MY OPINION.XXXX
wow!!! we adopted our daughter at 3 bulgaria, she has never accepted birth mom leaving her, she now 20 has this BPD and one drama thing after another, she will not get help, says its everyone but her, we have had 8 years of going thru this and i also learned when she was little we did not notice the RAD issues because they were so mild, and by the time 12 years hit she has gotten worse year by year now she cant hold down jobs, she comes for money running streets and 7 mo pregnant with an abusive boyfriend who she left last year got restraining order on him now back with him, called me last week hysterical cause he cheating again, talk about a drama mess and of course we never knew about all these issues she had from orphanage and being left at 18 mo by birth mom, the only thing i can do is keep trying to make her get help, cause i am way over walking on egg shells.
This was a great overview of complicated grief. I felt however, that it didn't address the numbness, the inability to feel that grief is ok. I think it took the form of a class bullet point seminar, more for those who are treating this, rather than experiencing it. I always get a lot out of your videos, but felt that this one lacked something. I lost my wonderful mum 5 weeks ago & I got nothing form this. Apologies, if this annoys anyone, it's just my view
What about when it’s the therapist that I attached to and now can’t see him any longer due to the fact that he does CBT and says he does not know how to treat my BPD. I grieve so intensely and it never goes away. I can’t accept suddenly losing this person that I shared everything with. He also did not know, after working for 6 years together, how to handle my feelings of attachment. He blew up at me that he “didn’t usually work that long with patients and doesn’t do DBT,” THEN tried to schedule another session. I did not go back but have expressed the pain of yet another huge loss (one of many, including abuse/neglect from my mother and final abandonment when I was 14). I can’t seem to get through this.
This would be very hard Elizabeth to become attached to a therapist and then discover your therapist doesn't treat what you want help with. It does compound your sense of loss with prior kinds of abandonment. I want you to know though that there ARE other therapists out there who are skilled and trained to deal both with symptoms of BPD AND loss and grief. There are also support groups. Here's the thing - I don't think I know anyone who can heal from loss without having at least a couple of good support people around - whether this means a therapist, a support group, family members, friends, or some kind of spiritual group or church family. I encourage to reach out so that healing can begin and continue for you as you are a person of worth and value and you deserve to heal.
I think I've been going through this since I found out what my ex is/was with somebody else. I found out through Facebook & seen photos of them. It's been a year since I found out & I still can't except it either & this time he changed his number & he never has before ( times when we split up) so I can't get used to having no contact with him at all. I still love him & I feel I don't want to be in a relationship with anybody else. We were together for 14-15 years. I had a phycotic episode because of what I seen & found out that lasted for 10 months
I was 16. The hospitals and doctors did everything wrong and the fact that I'm even alive rn is... I don't know the words. It's not that it's a good thing it's just the unlikelihood is beyond description. I'll tell you rn most of us are dead and there's no recovery except for a new favorite person to preoccupy you and you'll probably still end yourself. No one in that place is going to listen to you because you're very hard to listen to you and you're not covering the true gravity. It's a religious fucking experience, that dead favorite person becomes your God
How long after someone died does it take to become complicated grief rather than expected grief. My sister died 7 weeks ago unexpectedly and my other sister who doesn't have bpd is feeling the same sorts of level of distress as me - I have bpd. I don't know how long is normal to feel destroyed by this kind of unexpected loss
There s no time sweetheart in my opinion. I'm so so sorry for your loss. X It's going to go up and down... Just breathe.. Allow yourself to grieve... I hold my heart
7 weeks is very very soon - anyone impacted by your sister's passing 7 weeks ago would be feeling a lot of grief. That would be considered normal. It's only when several YEARS go by and you are still grieving as intensely, and this is coupled with an intense longing for your sister, that we would assess for complicated grief. I am so sorry to hear about her passing and wish you and your family comfort in the days and months ahead.
BDP IS NOT A DISEASE. THE NAME DOES NOT PERTAIN TO THE REAL MEANING OF THE SYMPTOMS. BORDERLINE COMPARED TO WHAT? WHAT WE ARE IS A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD A LACK OF LOVE. THESE ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF OF LACK OF LOVE. ITS REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED. WHAT MAKES OUR SOUL COME INTO EXISTANCE? LOVE WHAT MAKES US GROW? LOVE IF WE DIDNT GET THE LOVE WE NEED WE FEEL DISTRUST, PAIN, DISTRESS, ETC.... WE ARE ONE BEING IT AFFECTS ALL OF OUR LIFE AND IT HITS THE CORE OF OUR LIFE. THIS IS LOVE. SO WE ARE SURVIVORS. AND WITHOUT THAT LOVE, ALK THE TRAUMA/GRIEF OF LOVE IS GARDER AS WE DONT GET THE SUPPORT WE NEED WHEN WE FACE A GRIEF, OR LOSS IN OUR LIFE. HOUSING LOSS ETC. I REALLY DONT LIKE BPD AS A TERM. ITS FAR FROM NURTURING. ITS ABOUT GRIEF. I HOPE THIS HELPS. AND HELPS REMIVE PEOPLE FROM FEELING THEY ARE JUST A BPD. CAUSE WGEN YOU REALLY HEAR THEIR FULL STORY, ONE SAYS WOW.... YOU ARE AMAZING. LETS GO FROM THERE. PLEASE. LOVE CHERYL
Grief is not an excuse for abusing, Lying, manipulating, hurting, smear campaign, cheating. I gave my Ex nothing but integrity, love and sacrifice. What did i get in return? BPD gets a bad rep for a reason. I understand those actions were out a place of hurt and dis-regulation, But those actions should not be excused.
Cheryl Farrington I wish I could like this a million times!! You just summed it up in a beautiful box, with a big red bow. That’s exactly what BPD is. Thank you 🙏
Part 2, Lara again... The kittens were born, day after Christmas. Only thing that saved me that year. Complicated Grief, I've felt that towards humans as well. But nothing can take me down, change me. Like the loss of a cat . 🐱 Dr. Fox, I'm barely holding it together. The month of May, has so many horrible anniversaries, that altered who I am, least made me drink more. Though I am sober now. How can I leave, California's demons, behind. I don't want to bring them, to this new state. I don't have anyone to talk to. Or it feels that way. Just trying not to cut myself. I threw all weapons away. Trying to have a fresh start here. New state. Just hard though, Cause I fucken , hate this month. May. 😥😥😥
I am tormented and tortured and haunted and terrorized and raped: deep inside my soul. I cannot breathe. I am breathless. Choking on stale stagnant air. A 999-trillion pound weight atop my chest. The grief is unbearable. UN-FUCKING-BEARABLE! He left me. Replaced me. Discarded me. My "best friend". The only friend I had. The ultimate betrayal. Complete abandonment. I wake up every morning: breathless and panicked: praying desperately just to die... How the actual fuck could he do this to me? We went from speaking every single day about every damn thing, and now we're strangers! Complete fucking strangers. 55 days: not a word from him. My heart and mind cannot process nor comprehend: how this is even possible!! He replaced me for another. The pain is unbearable. I'm in hell. Hell with no escape...
Does the book contain content on mourning relationship endings and rejection from professional services etc... or is it just based on death of loved ones?
I’ve encouraged my partner to go to therapy/ seek treatment and she is not having it. Only pushed me away. blaming me for her struggle not the obvious depression from loss of loved one. It’s so sad. She’s spiraling
I’m so sorry to hear that and grief can certainly be a catalyst for spiraling downward. I think showing continual support well also exercising good boundaries is really important. I wish you all the best.
I have BPD and dissociation disorder my dad just died 1 1/2 mouths ago. I’m in a space where I don’t want to do anything I want to keep digging in my hole and I don’t want help. But I want to want to care. I feel guilty that don’t want to do better. I’m just lost.
Hello, Dr.Fox. My name is Lara... In regard to your Video, texting you, will help be my treatment. Just moved, to another state. Don't know what's here yet. Anyway, I was raised pretty much by animals, so my Complicated Grief, was towards my late cat , Sinister. His death day Anniversary, is May 20th. No human, has given me a great loss. Not like, Sinister did. I completely lost my mind, 2009, nearly all year. What I did, to myself, to deal with the pain. Was not considered as in, healthy?. Same year, my dad died. Then towards Christmas, same year. Bella ,( my other kitty). Had 4, beautiful kittens. Tank, who is with me, is Sinisters son. Fun traveling, cross state with a cat!. He was a trooper. Considering.., I'm Bipolar, have 2 head injuries, and BPD, ... I don't trust, myself of what i will turn into, become, .. When Tank, passes away. I tend, to live for animals, cats. I don't know how to handle the loss, the loliness. I don't live for myself. I live for, Tank. No human compares to him. Insightful, video though. Thank you. 🐱
Someone dear to me has borderline personality disorder. In her case, she’s actually quite happy her mother died so she’s not grieving that. Before her mother died, she always expressed all manner of intense anger, resentment, and rage at her mother for traumatizing her with this disorder. So it’s not so much that she grieves her mother’s death. It’s more like she is unable to grieve what her mother left behind. Namely, the unresolved childhood trauma she still holds within herself. I would think that this is complex trauma. Would that be true?
It sounds like you're navigating a really complex situation. Yes, unresolved childhood trauma can definitely contribute to feelings associated with borderline personality disorder, and it's great that you're seeking to understand it better.
Is it possible for prolonged grief disorder/complicated grief with cptsd and adhd to get confused for prolonged grief disorder/complicated grief with bpd?
Well, that’s why I posted the question because it’s possible but it doesn’t matter what someone thinks it’s a matter of what the evidence suggests is the case.
My boyfriend lost recently a very loved one and he suffers from BPD. I'm afraid of how he is going to react. He's still on shock, he's the quiet borderline type... I'm with him but I'm afraid this would be too much for his delicate good heart. What can I do to support him?
My boyfriend has committed suicide in 2019 two weeks after I broke up with him, I have bpd so I wasnt the best at communicating back then like I am now I thought I had more time and I’ll be by his side again but it was too late he was struggling with other mental issues too it’s been 5 years since then and Its getting worse I can’t function I can’t live it hurts and hurts and hurts no therapy has helped me I’m in constant pain I don’t wanna live like this forever
What treatments/medications do u recommend? Newly diagnosed as well as BP1, CPTSD with dissociative disorder. Given some paperwork on BPD and sent on my way :/
Losing favourite person is as painful as a death for bpd people. Its absolute hell on earth. I cant even describe it. Its a horrible existence for bpd sufferers.
Losing favourite person to death is even worse. I'd rather be abandoned by my fp than to lose him like this
My son who is 9 mother unalived last year it's been he'll extremely lonely
@@davidg8123I’m so sorry nobody deserved to go through this. I hope you’re getting the help you deserve
It's been a challenging time but I've found me who I'm starting to like again.
Grief can also be rejection, a friend that abuses you when you least expected it, not being heard, a hospital turning you away when you arrive asking for help...
Trying to find help... this is a huge grief process, raising children without support, going without food or help or support...
Or validation. Acceptance.
Grief doesn't have to be a loss of someone.
I find huge grief reaching out for help from hospitals, acute care etc to be abused, put down, mocked insulted because I don't quite "look suicidal".
Or like I've had a tough life.
Therefore I don't get help.
This is a very unspoken grief. x
Grief because I was not being heard, believed, understood is a big one for me. So hurtful and frustrating when it happens with people and professionals who should know the signs and symptoms and they don't make the connection.
I also grieve hard in all aspects of life, all the small details. In one way I am more aware of and in touch with the reality that we can experience small grief daily. In other ways, I get lost and stuck in it, like a dark melancholy.
yes to you Cheryl and Sara and Melancholika's replies below. Reaching out and being rejected and/or misunderstood is also a kind of loss. There are many losses other than losing a person that can elicit strong feelings of bereftness and sadness and require tools for healing. Thanks to all of you for pointing out these other instances as they are very important.
cheryl farrington your story sounds like mine 😞
We can help ourselves. Sometimes not finding help from others is a result of our inner beliefs and expectations and from our own ideas of ourselves. We may see ourselves as unimportant and believe our needs arent as important as the needs of others. We may feel we dont deserve help and support or have expectations of not being heard or validated. Teachings from people like Neville Goddard give methods for changing our beliefs and (often unconscious) expectations." How do I change my beliefs and expectations?" Is a question you need to ask in order to find your way to achieving this.
I wish this doctor was right ght here in my town. I wish more therapists would speak this way. I have a high level of understanding of this disorder and don't need the content to be watered down. He's app about incite, and incite is where it's at!
I feel the same. He is one of a kind, for now I’m grateful for his content.
I REALLY appreciate your positive advice and understanding. Last year I lost my favorite person, my soulmate, the love of my life. I came home and very unexpectadly found him dead. He had just turned 50. He was the ONLY man that ever told me he loved me that didn't abuse me physically and emotionally in my whole life! We were married for 2 years, had been together for 8, but knew each other for almost 30 years. We were TRULY HAPPY and I feel VERY LUCKY that I found a love a lot of people search thier while lives for and never find. At the same time the loss is SO BEYOND DEVESTATING!!! Now my new favorite person I have attached to during this grief is pulling away. We have talked and been around each other almost every day for over a year. I know I'm being oversensitive, she still loves me, she just has her own life and is healing from the grief that made us connect so much in the first place. LIVING WITH BPD IS SO DAMN DIFFICULT AND HURTS SO BAD!!! Your video is very caring and helpful!!! Keep up the good work!!!
I've been struggling with both of these conditions for 5 years and it's the most hopeless feeling and darkest place I've ever been in my life
Thank you for sharing your struggle. Remember, you're not alone in this.
I had to reply.... im suffering the same. I can't accept. There was no moving on. I've lost everything since...
Thank you so much for doing a video on complicated grief. I finally have a name for what I went through several years ago after the loss of a relationship. I cried every day, couldn't stop thinking about the relationship (dysfunctional as it was) and this went on for months and months, even up to 2 years after the loss. At the time I couldn't find any description about what I was going through. This was 2009-2011. I'm so releived there is a name for it. I think I might get this book for my mom who recently lost my dad 3 months ago to cancer. She may benefit from it in case she develops complicated grief.
Thank you Sara. I am glad you have healed and hope that my book is helpful to your mom. I am so sorry to hear about your dad.
How do you feel about the ending of that relationship now if you don't mind me asking?
@@jodiecrawford258 My memories are still vivid. But I have more perspective about why things happened the way they did. I have a lot less confusion and pain.
@@dr.sherrycormier1770 thanks for your reply. Is your book available in large print?
You’re always spot on. I was diagnosed with complicated grief, BPD as well as complex PTSD. It can be overwhelming but I allow my faith in God to help me. Your BPD workbook was so helpful and love your videos.
It can also be grieving the loss of self or grieving the loss of love and support you should have received as a child. And the person you could've been.
Yes it can. Often we grieve something we wanted or needed but never received.
Dr fox you are amazing ... Bpd warrior 🤘🏽🖤
A big part of my grief is around the relationship with my mum. She's still alive. It's like I'm grieving a life unlived. A relationship unrealised. "I don't feel good mum, I don't know what's going on" could quite well describe my life growing as a teenager. It just got worse. And it's like I'm grieving that loss, that things once we're ok and now aren't. And feeling that loss from my mum. It hurts.
I LOVE that you did a video on complicated grief!
I have suffered with this often, all my life
I already went through SIX years in therapy and then my “favorite person” therapist said, “ I don’t know how to treat this....I am inexperienced with dealing with your attachment.” That destroyed me. Now what, start over? I don’t have the energy, NOR do I want to develop any future attachments. I am trying to work through this on my own. It’s extremely painful and My only hope lies with going home to my Heavenly Father. I have living experience that relationships=loss, one sidedness, no reciprocity, no substance, all take, little give on their part. I explained this to my brothers and they stopped speaking to me. People DO NOT understand.
Your therapist should have mentioned a treatment called DBT, dialectical behavior therapy, which is a type of group therapy for people with borderline and other similar conditions. I've done it for about a year and it does help a lot. The therapy sessions are very organized and they go over the material step by step. My psychiatrist recommended it to me. Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist who will know more about it and other treatment for you.
Sara Keisler Thank you so much for your response. He did mention it toward our last few sessions but then became frustrated and shook the DBT info and exclaimed, “I can’t learn this!” I am grieving our impasse. I am supposed to go for EMDR or DBT but can’t handle another strong attachment that will end.
@@loveahusky ok I am glad he brought the topic up to you because that is the responsible thing to do. I understand what it is like to have to switch therapists. There are many different reasons to switch and don't feel bad. It happens to a lot of us. I agree that attachments to certain people are extremely strong and it ends up feeling very painful. I've been through that so many times. Be nice to yourself...it's ok that you had that happen. It's frustrating. But keep getting treatment. I recommend DBT.
Thank you for this. Mine was my dog, she died last October. My entire life spiraled out of control after that.
My mom passed away last week and I’m really struggling to feel anything at times. I have BPD and C-PTSD and some other shit like agitated depression, anxiety and attachment trauma to deal with. I’ve been obsessing with self help videos on here to stay busy, distractions so I don’t grieve I think. I’m mostly confused about my feelings because of the love/hate, emotional abusive, co-dependent relationship I had with my mom. I feel sad but relieved. I feel angry but at peace, I feel lost but ready to start living my own life. I’m scared of having an emotional breakdown and disassociating for too long or may not even come back if I let myself feel too much grief. But logically I know I must go through the process. Like everyone else I wish I lived closer to Dr. Fox so I could seek help from him. Dr. Fox keep helping us by continuing to make such wonderful videos. We need you!!!
In my experience I feel responsible for what happens even to others.
So if I hear of a loss or have one in my life I feel shame, guilt and that it was my fault.
I hold that in and so the grief just sits inside.
*another aspect is i find other people see things that happen in life as being outside of their responsibility. It's just life where my feeling is "it's all my fault. "
Sorry for the long reply's.
X
You're not alone
That’s beautifully articulated. I too feel a much more urgent connection to a sense of responsibility than others
Cheryl, do not feel sorry for your reply :) you have all the space you need. I feel the same, I always feel responsible for what happens to other people even tough I KNOW it's not true. Earlier in the afternoon, some neighbors were arguing quite virulently, and I arched my back like a frightened cat as if they were scolding me!. Of course they didn't but I can't help myself to feel aggressed and responsible for others' reactions. Take care 💜
Dr Fox I can’t tell you how grateful I am for all the work you do. I’ve been watching your videos for several months and have been working on bettering myself and controlling my BPD. I just ordered your new BPD workbook. You are very much appreciated for all you do to help people like myself.
Thank you, always feel better and learn more about BPD with your videos you spread hope to so many others and myself. It's ironic that a few years ago. I was desperately looking for answers for what was going on with me. Your the channel that I came across that I told myself, that's me! It was like a light bulb went off. I shortly afterwards went to therapy and was diagnosed with BPD just ironic that I'm Daniel Fox. Born and raised in Texas. You can't make some things up in life. Keep up the good work sir.
Thankyou Dr Fox he died in 2007 he suicided in 2007 I've never accepted it , yes they told me I have complicated grief , I just don't let go . Thankyou for covering this . He was a ex partner. Yes I look at his photo everyday . You have described this perfectly . Wishing I could go back too the past but we can't live in the past that is heartbreaking .
I like that Dr Fox affirms and validates the strengths and gifts of the BPD. It means a lot.
Lost my Dad in 2010. Dx Borderline personality 40 years ago. I just recieved your new workbook today. Thank you. I was just released from hospital for attempting suicide 1 week ago. At first only sorry I didn't suceed, I just wanted to go to sleep like my Dad. But I have to fight this battle. Tapering 40 years of Benzodiazepines which I now know do not work for BPD. To bad the Dr's are so ignorant about Benzodiazepines and the danger of taking them long term. Thank you for helping us understand clear why we react the way we do to things such as Grief...
When someone dies that I care about, I feel guilty and feel like I could have done more for them and maybe they would have been around a little longer. I also have an issue with being pre-occupied with my favorite person, they are still alive but moved out of state, I am still in contact with them but I think about them often and some times I can get lost into thought thinking about them. This is another good video Dr.Fox, thank you, now I know why I do the things I do when I lose someone to death or if one of my favorite people moves out of state or far away and gives me some thing to think about.
It’s so nice to have language to put to what I’ve been feeling for the last 11 years. My dad committed suicide when I was 8 and that was how I developed BPD. It makes sense now on how those can be connected. Thank you for making this video.
Your videos give me hope. Thank you.
I lost my favorite person this weekend..you are only one covering it on TH-cam. Thanks for ssving me again Dr Fox
Thank you for your continued support for those suffering from BPD. I wish you were my therapist...
Dr Fox, thankyou for this. My mother was given a terminal cancer diagnosis recently & everything is in flux with me. My mother us a very pragmatic person with no fuss, but my biggest supporter & worries about leaving me & that's guilting me out & breaking my heart. I don't know what the future looks like, a complete mess, if I'm honest, but perhaps I can turn back to this video as a small framework in that mess. Thanks again.
It’s a mind blown. That was my story 1000 times. After I lost my husband, I grieve for 14 years. Wow I didn’t know ,that was the bpd. Ohh my God. Thank your doctor Fox you’re truly a gift from God. I appreciate you for everything you do for the people like me and the first time in my life I found one person understand me completely.👍🙏💞
I am really tired of living with this. I don’t want to be here anymore
It's so exhausting my lovely, so so painful and exhausting but there is light at the end of a lot of learning. Be kind to yourself x
I feel like this too a lot. But please let's try to live the best we can. Please dont give in. Take rest..then we gotta get out a bit. Then rest..we can't give up. We are life too. We can bloom. And we can do our best..i hope you feel better. I am crying right now. Im very sad but I still want to help sometimes. God bless you.
I sit outside by my flowers with a art pad and pen and paper. The ground can heal us a bit. It has a resonance that can be measured. Soon im going out to karoke and draw at bars. My engament broke and I am lonley but I want to get a flow going. Please rest but don't give up. We are life itself
I would seriously trust this man’s words. Loss and grief if left untreated or avoided, you can run into many manifestations of psychological and mental issues later on. And by then, you could have more problems to deal with, whereas dealing with the grief head on is much better because you’ll have supportive people to keep you on the right path that is healthiest for you.
Great video. Aspects that I’ve never thought about and need to be aware of, so we can make sense of BPD.
Thank you
Thank you for this video I just lost my grandma who raised me. She was my best friend in the whole world. My favorite person if you will. This is insightful.
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
I know someone who suffers with BPD. Lashing out at me. I have grieved for her loss as much as I have for my own loved one’s death. It is double suffering. Thank you for your video.
My mother was probably BPD. She cried throughout my childhood. She could not be “there” for me. She ultimately kicked me out at 16 and despite many attempts, she changed her locks and phone number. She never looked back for me. I went on to get a bachelors degree with high honors and carried the pain. She didn’t even come to my graduation and never met my kids....her grandchildren. She turned me away at her end when she was dying of cancer. I drove six hours to try and see her and bring her a rose and an apology for whatever it was I did. I still don’t know. She kicked all her kids out at 16, 14 and 16 years old. I watched them get kicked out, one-by-one and then she met a man who died of SCD. She “snapped” after that and was mentally gone. She emotionally abused me all my life. She died and left me one dollar. How do you ever move forward Dr. Fox? My therapist after six consistent/consecutive years told me he “did not know how to treat BPD.” It was an abrupt cessation or impasse. I grieve him every single day. He was my “favorite person.” I shared my life to him and he’s just gone, retriggering so many losses. I am supposed to get therapy but I can’t handle the thought of starting over and any attachments at this point in my life. All my friends left. I had to stop working because the women were so gossipy and cliquey. Therapy just does not resonate....nothing I do resonates.
+Elizabeth Goyette this is definitely a loss and grief issue. I’m not pushing my own stuff but my workbook may help. I created it as so many individuals struggle with similar issues and I encourage them to be empowered and take charge. Sometimes self work can be a place to start until you feel comfortable to reengage in treatment.
I believe, for some reason we also resist processing grief. Another TH-cam's and coach in Attachment also did a video on complicated grief from the Anxious attachment perspective, and used my question as the focal point of the video. This is a topic so often not talked about. I'm definitely ordering this book!!!!!!
Yes we often do resist processing grief because it does feel painful. Yet the work of dealing with our bereavement is so important. Unprocessed grief doesn't go away, it can show up later in different forms such as anxiety.
@@dr.sherrycormier1770 ty for answering; perhaps for BPD it "feels" or "seems" more painful because of the other surrounding pathologies, so we resist even more.
Thankyou so much
I am needing to do grief focused therapy as my dad passed 13 years ago and I cant move on. I live in the past and hate any changes that have been made in the past 13 years to the point I hate people when they have a new job, new house etc since. I have bpd
Hi Peaches. I am very sorry to hear about your dad and that it has been hard for you to heal from this loss. Of course we don't ever get over grief - that is not the goal - the goal is healing enough to integrate the loss into our live so it doesn't dominate how we feel and think over time. I hope you have a therapist and you can bring up your grief with this person. It is important to tell our story of loss to help us move forward. Best to you.
I needed this. A long distance girlfriend who became a good friend committed suicide after reaching out & I still struggle to accept she’s gone & move on. A best friend was also murdered after calling my phone number but I was busy studying. It’s hard not to ruminate on both if I just answered the call they might still be here. Both super important people to me. Both contacted me last. Felt huge shame & guilt for years. Still do. Makes it difficult to get attached to people fully now because everyone seems to have a used by date I never knew I had so much responsibility for. My Dr also committed suicide after seeing him last & he confided in me how bad things were. Gone. That was super tough too. The smartest guy I knew, that knows how to fix things other can’t, gave up. Made me want to give up. Cried so much with each. Lived in a hyper-vigilant state for days. “Complicated grief” it makes sense now . I’ve lost family members & not been phased but accepted their time had come these favourites shocked me and shattered my reality. Still do. All suddenly removed from my future.
I found holding my own ritual to let them go helped somehow writing a letter & burning it. I know it’s irrational. For one I messaged her Snapchat for years & still do when I miss her. Letter her know things are okay. It’s hard to let go & let the memory of her die.
You have had some really tough losses to work through and deal with. Hard stuff. I hope you have a great therapist and /or support group helping you through this. Sending you peace and comfort as you continue to work thru these losses.
Dr. Sherry Cormier thanks. Just putting it out there for anyone in a similar boat. Maybe one day I’ll comeback & update this post.
Thank you Dr Fox.
Thank you so much for focusing on this, I lost all my parents and my mother in law and a span of three years. I lost all my identity, hope, and love for life. I just don't know how to fucking function anymore and your video helped me cry harder than I had in years. I'm so fucking lucky to find your videos. I love that you make me feel like a human being who is worthy and lovable because I don't know how to right now but I have hope I can in my life.
yup.. lost 5+ years of my life over this. when i first found out, i called my mom bawling and she hung up on me. when she called a whole 24 hours later, i was STILL hysterical and hadn't stopped crying that entire time. after this i was homeless for years and no one knew. that event made me feel so completely lost and hopeless, railroad tracks and dark alleyways were the only place i wanted to be. it's crazy to think of how distraught i actually was. luckily i am far passed this now with a great career at 29. i keep getting told by counselors and psychiatrists that they believe i have C-PTSD, not BPD even though i possess all of the symptoms. in some ways i think they're giving me "the benefit of the doubt" only because I've managed to stop drinking and smoking. does having BPD mean you basically have no willpower over impulses? can the borderline go into histrionic personality disorder as well? are you accepting new clients in the houston area? lol
Thanks for this vid. I went through this all last year and most of this year. It was debilitating. I even look like I aged a few years. It was the end of my relationship with my favorite person.
Ending a relationship is a very tough kind of loss. A lot of grief is involved and getting support for your feelings is so important
I definitely struggle with this. Lost my last family members in 2013/2014. Can’t seem to get traction in life. I started reading Sweet Sorrow last night. Thank you.
Hi Joy. I am sorry you lost several family members, that is so tough.I believe Sweet Sorrow will help you learn some strategies for coping. Best to you.
hi joy i know you made this comment a while ago but i was wondering what your thoughts were on the book and if you found it to be actually helpful in dealing with your own grief? i would like to give it a try but it is quite expensive at the moment so I am hoping someone can tell me if it was worth it.
@@xxxmochibaby I have not read the book yet.
I very obviously have suffered with Complicated Grief but never heard mention of it. I have bipolar/Cptsd/eating disorder diagnoses but although no-one has diagnosed borderline in me I do recognise those traits within myself. My baby died from SIDS decades ago and with no treatment in those days my mental health spiralled downwards. It's a very long journey and so much more information available nowadays. This gentleman is so compassionate. I've never been able to understand why borderline disorder has been so stigmatised, it's so very cruel when many of us have suffered from parental narcissistic abuse, suffering emotional/physical/sexual abuse. Why would anyone think badly of such individuals is beyond me.
Thank you for this info. I have been having this struggle for awhile now and had no idea this is what it was!! You definitely described me and what I've been trying to figure out with my therapist. Once again great video! ❤
Beautiful video, yes.
Goals.
Re: pull back etc, yes.
Wow, this "hits home."
WOAH -- I call what it does to me as "death jumpy" and a feeling that I died when my aunt died. Many others have died in a VERY short time period. I had no idea I had BPD when all the deaths were happening, and I'm understanding myself more and more. Your insight and all that you provide helps between face-to-face specialized therapy. I'm sure that my having C-PTSD hasn't helped matters either. Only two months of being diagnosed with BPD with a side of Executive Dysfunction from some SERIOUS traumatic situations in my life. Thanks again for taking the time to make all the videos you have, and the explanations, etc. It is truly meaningful to help better understand myself and get this back into remission.
Hi sir. Thank you for your videos on BPD. I always go up to them for some lvl of support when I feel getting emotional again...which is quite often 😂😂😂 you're really a safe space. Hope you're doing great and are healthy 🤗🤗🤗
Finally someone who can explain what im feeling.
Thank you for another great video!
My daughter’s dad abandoned us before she was even born. We just found out he died a couple of weeks ago. She's been having a slow decline and this video helped me to bring up the possibility of in patient.
She's never a fan, 3 times in 4 months before they figured out she had BPD under all of the PTSD. But she's considering it tonight. I wish there was another way. But mostly I need her safe. And her method is fairly certain.
Thank god for technology and all the places I would have never been able to access help from before.
Thank you. My ex died 3 weeks ago, and this has helped me understand my youngest teenager. Kind regards.
I just lost my mom 9 months ago an I also have BPD so this was very informative thank u. I’ll be watching more of ur videos and I’m subscribed as well.
Lost my sister in Aug of 2020.. Now I feel absolutely hopeless and alone. This hit home..
Thank you for this video, it explains a lot
My daughter passed away 13 years ago I was diagnosed with borderline I can't function now I relate
I lost my half sister when I was 13 (7 years ago now). I know I never dealt with it properly, but I was a kid, and my parents knew nothing about loss and children - how were we to know what a healthy recovery from such a loss would look like? I now believe that loss triggered BPD for me (as well as severe depression, which I've known about for years). But the specific points you mentioned I definitely recognise from 7 years ago, and sometimes even to this day. I don't like to talk about my sister, and, when I get intrusive thoughts about her, I have to distract myself immediately.
Previously, after my first series of counselling sessions, I've been relatively open to getting diagnosed and starting treatment, but, due to personal circumstances, being diagnosed with BPD is a truly terrifying possibility. But it's getting to a point where I need help. These videos have really helped me realise what's going on inside my head and what needs to be done to fix it. Thank you, Dr. Fox, you are an awesome person for spreading this info
I am sorry to hear about your sister. And you make such a useful point - often the adults who guide us are clueless about how to heal too. I imagine you perhaps have a therapist and if so, this is a great place to talk about how to engage in healthy healing from loss and to discuss your thoughts and feelings about your sister.
Thank you so much for this.
Wow! This is so helpful!
So many family members died back to back when I was a teenager and in my early 20’s. I was exposed to a lot of death in the 90’s. One of my grandparents passed in 2006 and I am really feeling that now. So late. I feel so sad about not being able to see her and where was this before. I wish I could see her and learn new lessons that have been hard to learn. I miss all of these gone people very deeply and yes I feel guilty.
I have BPD and this really helps for the last 3 years my grief has pretty much stayed at about the same in this really helps me figure out why I do some of the things that I do and why it is that much harder to just be okay
My husband died for 1,5 year ago. I have not grief him. I have close my feelings and shut down But now my emotion are very strong for me and I have realise that he ia dead. And I dont want to meet people, and I am exhausting
Struggling with the loss of my mum 💔💞 I knew this would be difficult but my BPD really taking over atm . I’m struggling with just how to move forward in a healthy way . I love my mum x
I gave BPD-if you ever want to ask questions feel free if it helps others with the same struggles
Thanks Doc. My father just died Jan 8 2021. I have BPD and feel lost and lack confidence more than ever now and feel very lonely .
Question: Why is complicated grief discussed alongside borderline personality disorder? The impression I get is that a person with borderline personality disorder tends to suffer from complicated grief after experiencing a loss. But can someone without BPD undergo complicated grief?
Yes of course especially when you are highly sensitive or have an insecure attachment style or depression or Cptsd or attachment trauma that is common among humans
I feel so lonely and EMPTY
Elizabeth Goyette I'm sending all my love to you and comfort&strength. 💕💕💕💕💕
Royah Belle Thank you, that made me cry. God Bless You😂
Thank you. 💜👑💜
I’ve been grieving over an ex for 6 months and we only dated 2. It’s exhausting. I just wish my brain would shut up and function normally instead of treating every break up like an existential life change
My father died suddenly from a drug overdose when I was 9 years old back in 1995. I’m now almost 34 years old and still feel to this day that i never properly grieved. I had counseling for a very short time and definitely think I didn’t understand anything at the time since I was a young child. His death still bothers me, I think of him often and I feel it is at my core everyday and the root problem to my major depression. I’m not sure if this is considered complicated grief or not or how i can work through something that is so old and has been an issue for more of my life than not.
Didn't know this term existed. It's exactly what I've been going through. It isn't just loss through death, either. I mourn people who are still alive, and my cats my bastard ex took from me
Thanks that is what my problem is i knew i had greef and guilt as big things but this was a trigger and a epyphony that i have been waiting for and it explains alot of the core sideffects that we go through with bpd and my problem is im a one on on type of person i dont have a big circal but usually find myself hanging out just one one one even if most of us are together and its the one im conection with best out of that week but i didnt really fight with my freinds as we kinda float around like that any way ive watched all your stuff on bpd i was diagnosed from my psychiatrist at age 3 form back in1991 or 1992 and i have went through heavy counsuling therapy and speech thearpy all through grade school off and one where i had breaks of not going but would be back in so like summer breaks and then only a couple other times through jr high i havent went back nor did i ever came back with a dignoses on anything that i can recall during thoughs younger years of myself but i know and was warmed oh told that i am probably going to be one of those people who would having to undergo treatment off and on for the rest of my life and i have faild to do so out of fear this also why i made it where there was going to be no finding of any thing on me and was let go and deemed normal because i didnt want them to see a problem with me and now realize that may now be a biger problem now i regret but now i have footing to go on and not just this crazy person that has no accual mental illness record this still could an issuses sence my cases are also almost 20 years old but i though there really wasnt much wrong witheme tell i started doing research on mental illnesses about 4 years ago and watching those sad what its like living with bpd music videos and they trigerd oh yes i see it but never kew bpd was the cause of the trigers until about a year ago so thank you that was my first epiphan where i could go oh no it s bpd and suscribed to your chanale now a little over a year now since than i relized i had trigures that i found reapt themselves after finding a new guy who i am still with but was sent into a panic attack over seeing him pull out of the drive way afert i told him i was going to try to be back out shorly him taking off and not knowing why i took out the door frantic to holler at him hold on now i didnt want him to think anythings too funny off with me so i played it off still shaking well i said i was going to be back out shorlty and so yiur mot going to be long before your back and thankfully for me he wasnt gone long and stayed good like that for the first begaing but he keeps triggering like on perpose now makse me so mad to hurt so deep i love him i hate him its stupid any way i learnd what but d is andvmy trigerss and surface triggers. And was able to findthe paternes and find out i do have and have had favoite personse I have irritated depression and aggression a little OCD and All or Nothing I have some gray but I do do the black and white and there are times where I think I could die of a broken heart or possibly being one of those with one I've always been real sensitive I have always been told by my mother and by others so when I did tell her of some of the findings I found out and explain to her a little bit about it she told me she wasn't surprised I was hoping not knowing what I was hoping for not this but I've been on a quest to figure out some spiritual growth on myself to find where I'm blocked at menatly and this last on gave me a core contenct now i can go to work and know what im trully asking for when i go back ti treatment cause i need it i was hoping i could do it on my own but it has grown aparent that this is something i should not do on my own i was trying so gard not to have to yet know i should now know that i have to for my self and my family i might accually be ok doing it now im more clear we should find me in a faster trac of health ing versuse finding the sorce to heal .
Misty Proffitt well done you for getting all that out in one breath!
We forget to mention "shock" in our ailments.
We are in a lot of shock and often repetitive and I don't ever hear this mentioned.
So there are CLASSICAL HOMEOPATHS WHO WILL PRESCRIBE CERTAIN REMEDIES WHICH I WONT MENTION FOR SAFETY SAKE TO HELP HEAL THOSE LAYERS OR A PRACTIONER TO HELP REGARDLESS OF THE MODALITY.
I HOPE THIS HELPS SOMEONE.
ITS JUST MY OPINION.XXXX
Yes! Shock is often an initial reaction to some kind of loss. Thank you for adding this Cheryl!
wow!!! we adopted our daughter at 3 bulgaria, she has never accepted birth mom leaving her, she now 20 has this BPD and one drama
thing after another, she will not get help, says its everyone but her, we have had 8 years of going thru this and i also learned when she
was little we did not notice the RAD issues because they were so mild, and by the time 12 years hit she has gotten worse year by year
now she cant hold down jobs, she comes for money running streets and 7 mo pregnant with an abusive boyfriend who she left last year
got restraining order on him now back with him, called me last week hysterical cause he cheating again, talk about a drama mess and
of course we never knew about all these issues she had from orphanage and being left at 18 mo by birth mom, the only thing i can do
is keep trying to make her get help, cause i am way over walking on egg shells.
I wish you could help me- the deep sadness I feel will never go away
This was a great overview of complicated grief. I felt however, that it didn't address the numbness, the inability to feel that grief is ok. I think it took the form of a class bullet point seminar, more for those who are treating this, rather than experiencing it. I always get a lot out of your videos, but felt that this one lacked something. I lost my wonderful mum 5 weeks ago & I got nothing form this. Apologies, if this annoys anyone, it's just my view
What about when it’s the therapist that I attached to and now can’t see him any longer due to the fact that he does CBT and says he does not know how to treat my BPD. I grieve so intensely and it never goes away. I can’t accept suddenly losing this person that I shared everything with. He also did not know, after working for 6 years together, how to handle my feelings of attachment. He blew up at me that he “didn’t usually work that long with patients and doesn’t do DBT,” THEN tried to schedule another session. I did not go back but have expressed the pain of yet another huge loss (one of many, including abuse/neglect from my mother and final abandonment when I was 14). I can’t seem to get through this.
This would be very hard Elizabeth to become attached to a therapist and then discover your therapist doesn't treat what you want help with. It does compound your sense of loss with prior kinds of abandonment. I want you to know though that there ARE other therapists out there who are skilled and trained to deal both with symptoms of BPD AND loss and grief. There are also support groups. Here's the thing - I don't think I know anyone who can heal from loss without having at least a couple of good support people around - whether this means a therapist, a support group, family members, friends, or some kind of spiritual group or church family. I encourage to reach out so that healing can begin and continue for you as you are a person of worth and value and you deserve to heal.
I think I've been going through this since I found out what my ex is/was with somebody else. I found out through Facebook & seen photos of them. It's been a year since I found out & I still can't except it either & this time he changed his number & he never has before ( times when we split up) so I can't get used to having no contact with him at all. I still love him & I feel I don't want to be in a relationship with anybody else. We were together for 14-15 years. I had a phycotic episode because of what I seen & found out that lasted for 10 months
I have a character that I think he had Borderline Personality Disorder, and this has been very helping for my references! ^^
+L16htW4rr10r 👍
I was 16. The hospitals and doctors did everything wrong and the fact that I'm even alive rn is... I don't know the words. It's not that it's a good thing it's just the unlikelihood is beyond description. I'll tell you rn most of us are dead and there's no recovery except for a new favorite person to preoccupy you and you'll probably still end yourself. No one in that place is going to listen to you because you're very hard to listen to you and you're not covering the true gravity. It's a religious fucking experience, that dead favorite person becomes your God
This happened to me and I'm still going through it. It's better, but still painful.
How long after someone died does it take to become complicated grief rather than expected grief. My sister died 7 weeks ago unexpectedly and my other sister who doesn't have bpd is feeling the same sorts of level of distress as me - I have bpd. I don't know how long is normal to feel destroyed by this kind of unexpected loss
There s no time sweetheart in my opinion.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. X
It's going to go up and down...
Just breathe..
Allow yourself to grieve...
I hold my heart
7 weeks is very very soon - anyone impacted by your sister's passing 7 weeks ago would be feeling a lot of grief. That would be considered normal. It's only when several YEARS go by and you are still grieving as intensely, and this is coupled with an intense longing for your sister, that we would assess for complicated grief. I am so sorry to hear about her passing and wish you and your family comfort in the days and months ahead.
I wish I could get your help
BDP IS NOT A DISEASE.
THE NAME DOES NOT PERTAIN TO THE REAL MEANING OF THE SYMPTOMS.
BORDERLINE COMPARED TO WHAT?
WHAT WE ARE IS A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD A LACK OF LOVE. THESE ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF OF LACK OF LOVE.
ITS REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED.
WHAT MAKES OUR SOUL COME INTO EXISTANCE?
LOVE
WHAT MAKES US GROW?
LOVE
IF WE DIDNT GET THE LOVE WE NEED WE FEEL DISTRUST, PAIN, DISTRESS, ETC.... WE ARE ONE BEING IT AFFECTS ALL OF OUR LIFE AND IT HITS THE CORE OF OUR LIFE.
THIS IS LOVE.
SO WE ARE SURVIVORS.
AND WITHOUT THAT LOVE, ALK THE TRAUMA/GRIEF OF LOVE IS GARDER AS WE DONT GET THE SUPPORT WE NEED WHEN WE FACE A GRIEF, OR LOSS IN OUR LIFE.
HOUSING LOSS ETC.
I REALLY DONT LIKE BPD AS A TERM.
ITS FAR FROM NURTURING.
ITS ABOUT GRIEF.
I HOPE THIS HELPS.
AND HELPS REMIVE PEOPLE FROM FEELING THEY ARE JUST A BPD.
CAUSE WGEN YOU REALLY HEAR THEIR FULL STORY, ONE SAYS WOW.... YOU ARE AMAZING.
LETS GO FROM THERE.
PLEASE.
LOVE CHERYL
Yes..This. Thank you very much Cheryl.
@@virginiaATX Hi x hugs
Grief is not an excuse for abusing, Lying, manipulating, hurting, smear campaign, cheating. I gave my Ex nothing but integrity, love and sacrifice. What did i get in return? BPD gets a bad rep for a reason. I understand those actions were out a place of hurt and dis-regulation, But those actions should not be excused.
Cheryl Farrington I wish I could like this a million times!! You just summed it up in a beautiful box, with a big red bow. That’s exactly what BPD is. Thank you 🙏
Part 2, Lara again... The kittens were born, day after Christmas. Only thing that saved me that year. Complicated Grief, I've felt that towards humans as well. But nothing can take me down, change me. Like the loss of a cat . 🐱 Dr. Fox, I'm barely holding it together. The month of May, has so many horrible anniversaries, that altered who I am, least made me drink more. Though I am sober now. How can I leave, California's demons, behind. I don't want to bring them, to this new state. I don't have anyone to talk to. Or it feels that way. Just trying not to cut myself. I threw all weapons away. Trying to have a fresh start here. New state. Just hard though, Cause I fucken , hate this month. May. 😥😥😥
I am tormented and tortured and haunted and terrorized and raped:
deep inside my soul. I cannot breathe. I am breathless.
Choking on stale stagnant air.
A 999-trillion pound weight atop my chest.
The grief is unbearable. UN-FUCKING-BEARABLE!
He left me. Replaced me. Discarded me.
My "best friend". The only friend I had. The ultimate betrayal.
Complete abandonment.
I wake up every morning:
breathless and panicked:
praying desperately just to die...
How the actual fuck could he do this to me?
We went from speaking every single day
about every damn thing,
and now we're strangers!
Complete fucking strangers.
55 days: not a word from him.
My heart and mind cannot process
nor comprehend: how this is even possible!!
He replaced me for another.
The pain is unbearable.
I'm in hell.
Hell with no escape...
GRIEF IS LOVES EXPRESSION....JAHBLESS SOULJAH.
Does the book contain content on mourning relationship endings and rejection from professional services etc... or is it just based on death of loved ones?
Jodie Crawford my problem exactly
I’ve encouraged my partner to go to therapy/ seek treatment and she is not having it. Only pushed me away. blaming me for her struggle not the obvious depression from loss of loved one. It’s so sad. She’s spiraling
I’m so sorry to hear that and grief can certainly be a catalyst for spiraling downward. I think showing continual support well also exercising good boundaries is really important. I wish you all the best.
I have BPD and dissociation disorder my dad just died 1 1/2 mouths ago. I’m in a space where I don’t want to do anything I want to keep digging in my hole and I don’t want help. But I want to want to care. I feel guilty that don’t want to do better. I’m just lost.
I can’t find any videos of videos about bpd and suffering from child loss ,
Great! I'm all fixed now thanx.
wait, will my Medicaid ins be covered by y'all so I can get real help?
I have severe complicated grief disorder and borderline personality disorder.
Hello, Dr.Fox. My name is Lara...
In regard to your Video, texting you, will help be my treatment. Just moved, to another state. Don't know what's here yet. Anyway, I was raised pretty much by animals, so my Complicated Grief, was towards my late cat , Sinister. His death day Anniversary, is May 20th. No human, has given me a great loss. Not like, Sinister did. I completely lost my mind, 2009, nearly all year. What I did, to myself, to deal with the pain. Was not considered as in, healthy?. Same year, my dad died. Then towards Christmas, same year. Bella ,( my other kitty). Had 4, beautiful kittens. Tank, who is with me, is Sinisters son. Fun traveling, cross state with a cat!. He was a trooper. Considering.., I'm Bipolar, have 2 head injuries, and BPD, ... I don't trust, myself of what i will turn into, become, .. When Tank, passes away. I tend, to live for animals, cats. I don't know how to handle the loss, the loliness. I don't live for myself. I live for, Tank. No human compares to him. Insightful, video though. Thank you. 🐱
You sure are an expert!
Someone dear to me has borderline personality disorder. In her case, she’s actually quite happy her mother died so she’s not grieving that. Before her mother died, she always expressed all manner of intense anger, resentment, and rage at her mother for traumatizing her with this disorder. So it’s not so much that she grieves her mother’s death. It’s more like she is unable to grieve what her mother left behind. Namely, the unresolved childhood trauma she still holds within herself. I would think that this is complex trauma. Would that be true?
It sounds like you're navigating a really complex situation. Yes, unresolved childhood trauma can definitely contribute to feelings associated with borderline personality disorder, and it's great that you're seeking to understand it better.
@@DrDanielFox Thanks Daniel for replying. So, just how much of a hold does complex trauma have on BPD?
Is it possible for prolonged grief disorder/complicated grief with cptsd and adhd to get confused for prolonged grief disorder/complicated grief with bpd?
When you say treatment what do you mean? Rehab?
Can complicated grief apply to breakups too?
I would think so.
Well, that’s why I posted the question because it’s possible but it doesn’t matter what someone thinks it’s a matter of what the evidence suggests is the case.
It can - typically it involves loss of a person but not exclusively.
My boyfriend lost recently a very loved one and he suffers from BPD. I'm afraid of how he is going to react. He's still on shock, he's the quiet borderline type... I'm with him but I'm afraid this would be too much for his delicate good heart. What can I do to support him?
My boyfriend has committed suicide in 2019 two weeks after I broke up with him, I have bpd so I wasnt the best at communicating back then like I am now I thought I had more time and I’ll be by his side again but it was too late he was struggling with other mental issues too it’s been 5 years since then and Its getting worse I can’t function I can’t live it hurts and hurts and hurts no therapy has helped me I’m in constant pain I don’t wanna live like this forever
What treatments/medications do u recommend? Newly diagnosed as well as BP1, CPTSD with dissociative disorder. Given some paperwork on BPD and sent on my way :/