My philosophy on age gaps is that the older you get, the acceptable gap gets wider. 10 years between an 18 and 28 year old is huge but its practically nothing if a 40 year old and a 50 year old start dating
Exactly, at ages 40 and 50 you kinda know who you are and there’s usually not any more big revelations or life stages to go through. But between the ages of 18 and 28 you go through a lot that shapes who you are. I’m 26 and I’m a VASTLY different person from who I was at 18, and I think it can cause a lot of friction in relationships where one person is still going through these big life altering stages and the other is not. Especially if the older person clings onto how their partner was when they first met and won’t let them grow. Whenever I see anyone interested in someone way younger I can’t help but think they’ve decided to date someone that young BECAUSE they’re still impressionable and can be manipulated into being the “perfect partner”
It's true I'm 25 and my bf is 36 big enough age gap but acceptable, at first my brother's found it weird but then I threw all their age gap relationships in their faces and they just came to terms with it now they couldn't care less and just get to know him have a laugh and stuff (also long distance) he lives in America I'm in UK
@@karinalumen9722 why do you feel that? I've noticed myself that my bf doesn't stop me doing anything and he loves doing almost everything that I do as well, he's just happy being with me and doesn't fuss about what we do as long as we're spending time together, i don't know if that's a rare thing or something but I like to game and so does he, I like movies he likes similar movies I've introduced to sooo many things he'd never seen nor tried and he's older than I am he's honestly the best partner I could of ever asked for in life
obv it’s not all about age, but i agree with you. i’m still young (won’t tell you how young) but i’m mostly attracted to an older person, but i know my place and i know that this kind of relationship at this age is really inappropriate to have. that’s why i’m not rushing anything and waiting till i’m older and wiser to even have to date anyone. cuz tbh either younger, same age, or older people they’re all the same if you met the wrong one regardless of age.
That's what I thought exactly. They probably know when they met and think that him picking her up fresh off the bus is not okay, they are displaying concerning behavior, or there is a clear power imbalance like Morgan mentioned. Him picking her up at 19 definitely gave me the ick tho, that's barely legal...
honestly for the first story, the mistake the mother in law made was questioning the young girls intentions, when she should question why her VERY ADULT SON is dating a TEENAGER. Also they only dated a year before getting married with that age gap, that doesn't sound well.
Ok facts!! I think people like to pin age gap relationships on the impressionable taken advantaged of girl rather than older man who has more power. Crazy.
Seems like he was waiting the legal day who knows what he was doing behind doors parents really need to not welcome none blood related ppl to their house most of them r grøømers I have seen enough stories of ppl ending up with their no blood sibling/father/mother these ppl know how to manipulate these kids from young age n make them keep secret of everything they r doing to the kids anyways English is not my 3rd language so…. Enjoy being confused
Story #2 if someone told me that they started dating someone inappropriate when they turned 18, knowing they had a different relationship before hand. Sorry, there’s no chance I’m gonna sit there and believe that everything was perfectly platonic until their 18th birthday
It’s something that is so disgusting. Like when I see people say ‘oh they waited until I was 18’ yes that wasn’t for your sake, it was so the groomer doesn’t get in trouble…it’s not sweet!! Argh
It probably not and I feel the same about the 19 year old and 38 year old in the first story. Neither are romantic and scream red flags especially towards these older men.
I’m pretty sure the main argument against age gaps isn’t age gaps, its power imbalances. My best friends parents are 20 years apart but they eat when her mom was 40 and her dad was 60, both of them were established in careers and had previous marriages, and had equal footing. But, another friend of mine had a 3 year age gap crush when she was 17 and all of our group had to remind her how bad of an idea it was to ‘date’ someone who was in a weird position of authority over her. The age gaps aren’t just about age, its about power and if someone has too much of it over their SO.
This is SO true! I didn’t know why the thought of a 20 year old getting together with a 40 year old made me sick but a 40 yo and a 60 yo seems fine. Your brain doesn’t even stop developing until your 25! Even 30 and 50 is much better. An older person going for anyone in they’re 20’s has just always given me predatory vibes.
@@supernova11711 Since when is the solution to one immature mind to pair them with another immature mind? If your daughter was an airhead, and brought home the class valedictorian for dinner, you wouldn't say 'Oh noes, he's smarter than her, he'll manipulate her!" You'd say "Phew, she found a smart guy to keep her out of trouble." Studies shows the 17-20 demographic is about twice as likely to commit IPV as someone 25 -28. Yet it's the "creepy older men" you worry about.
I understand having feelings for one another because after all they are not family, I am dating my brother's BFF and we practically grew up together although he is 9 years older than me. We started talking last year during a wedding, me 24 him 33, and after that we hanged out more and more. WHAT I don't agree with is that she was only 18! There was something going on before and we all know it.
That third story about the rent was a huge red flag. It feels like such a groomer move. Increase the target's financial burden to either put strain on her relationship with her parents or increase her dependence on him. The fact he changed his time instantly makes it seem like the money thing was just an excuse to take more power and control. Glad she is out of that situation but that dude seems dangerous.
THANK YOU! I was hoping someone would bring up the third story. Because NO, you shouldn’t leave home in an unstable situation, especially when being expected to pay for a wage you can’t afford. It def creates a situation of dependence.
@@Alluponit31 and @Alovatolo Yes! wtf. If he was a Good Guy, it would be, "I'll pay everything since I can suddenly afford this and I want it." Of course she'll contribute (or if she won't that is ANOTHER situation) but this is the big BUT to watch out for, that you both mentioned: why would he try to get her to stretch her money when he could cover everything AND give her an "allowance?" But didn't offer that until she was ending it?! M-F-er!!! What a creep. Anyone who really cares should make sure you have enough money to GET AWAY FROM THEM, even if you simply want to break up. He tried putting her over a barrel. That IS scary, especially when he changed his tune so fast when she Noped Out. Caring couples CARE. This is a great example of ATTEMPTED (ha ha ha!) *MANIPULATION!*
As a former sugar baby I don’t like age gaps... old men are truly disgusting, lots of old men want to date young girls not women their own ages because they think they can get away with the bullshit they do dating someone younger... older women wouldn’t put up with those antics because they are too wise
I agree with you completely. Older men look for naive, inexperienced women for a reason. It benefits them. I had it happened to me, and looking back, I am so angry that I wasted time on him.
Okay, but how did the people from the first story meet and become friends? Like I don't know any 19 year olds who just hang out with 40 year olds. I think how they met definetly influences wether or not it's creepy.
Now that I think about this.. I have a story so similar. I was 16-18 years old and friends with a 30+ year old. I worked at Perkins as a server and he was my work bestie 😂
My sister adopted me at 11, and after I turned 18, she became my best friend. And invited me to get togethers. At 20 I went to one together and met my now husband. I had a child from a previous relationship so he thought I was a lot older and until we really started talking and hanging out and found out each other’s ages. It never bother us or anyone we know. We all make jokes but at the end of the day we are amazing together.
I started a new job last year and most people are over 40 yo :D that happens quite often actually. Our newest employee is only 19, he's the youngest in our office :D when I was younger I met many older people in the orchestra I played trumpet in and in my karate classes too
Work. I know people who have over a 20 year age gap, and it works. They have 4 beautiful children now, And are very happy. Age is just a number at the end of the day.
The only time an age gap is a red flag to me is when the older person knew the younger person before they were an adult. Then you have to wonder if grooming was involved.
Exaclty if the relationship starts as like 11-20 yeah no weird. Same for somthing like 17-24 since so many have gone for 17 year olds since they would almost be by law an adult
I’m in a 12 year age gap and literally never think about it 👀 only time it sucks is when we make references to nostalgic music/tv cause he was literally 27 when I was 15 like that’s fucking weird lmao
In that second story it's almost like he trapped her by getting her pregnant, and only was okay with her telling them because he knew that if she was pregnant her family would have to be okay with it for the sake of her and her kid...fucked up shit, jesus...
I am so concerned for the girl who ended up pregnant with the guy who literally changed her diapers because he could have possibly groomed her as a child or even assaulted her and on top of that it’s possible that he could do the same to his own child! (There’s a case where the dad got his own daughter pregnant and ended up killing both of them along with the rest of his family)
I worry for her and the baby for sure, the parents are doing the right thing by keeping her close to them and if she insists he be there for now then i they are doing the right thing, but it’s important that they get her a therapist who can help her see the reality of her situation!!! ❤️❤️❤️
The third story reminds me of one of my boyfriends friends. When him and his girlfriend were looking to move in together, he had a higher salary while she worked a minimum wage job. His budget for rent/expenses was much higher than hers would be based on their incomes. They decided to combine the same proportion (for example 30% of their income) of their individual incomes meaning they are still both contributing and it is the same financial strain on each of their paycheques. When my boyfriend told me about this I thought that it was a great compromise!
cousin is definitely a homophobe. butch women are often considered “predatory” because they’re masculine gay women and especially so if the partner is fem. there is really nothing wrong with the age gap (from someone who is always suspicious of age gaps), the cousin is just looking for a more acceptable outlet to spew their hate of butch women, they’re definitely homophobic/lesbophobic.
i got into an argument on reddit cause a 30 year old was dating a 17 year old.. i don’t care about other peoples relationships but i believe age gaps should be with people 18 and older. i’ve been there and being in a relationship with someone older than you while you’re still a teenager can age you. even if the relationship was great, you grow up and look back with different eyes
Even 18 and 30 would be extremely predatory imo. If you’re in your late twenties or thirties you shouldn’t be dating teenagers period, like wtf do you have in common with someone who JUST graduated high school?
It gets messy and hard to call when it's a few years age gap with one over 18 and one below- I feel like if you could have met in highschool and the way you meet isn't creepy is the teller for the around 18 age
@@soupi2105 why not? Someone in their 30s or 40s is going to be economically better off, more settled in life, more experienced, probably more emotionally aware and perceptive, less aggressive, and is going to have more life experience in terms of how to treat a partner well. I'd say he is much more likely to treat an 18 year old partner well than soemone her age would.
@@nikhiljaikumar8611 if you can’t see why the things you listed would actually make it even fucking weirder you’re out of your mind. People in their 30’s and 40’s are in a position to easily manipulate and hold their power over someone who’s fresh out of highschool and often do in those relationships.
The context of an age gap relationship is everything. When did you meet? Are you financially independent? Is there a power imbalance?. My boyfriend is 15 years older but we met when I was 27. Both had good jobs and both were on our own.
With the 19 year age gap - I think my general feeling is that if your brain is still developing, massive age gaps like that are predatory, regardless of whether or not both parties are considered adults in the eyes of the law. I think the main thing is that it's incredibly suss that a 40 year old would become friends with a 19 year old... let alone all of the other red flags in her story. I genuinely feel sorry for her - it isn't fair that she's facing the criticism, it's her repulsive husband that deserves to be endlessly questioned about his ulterior motives. I would feel very differently if she was 30 and he was 49 when they met.
Differently aged friendships are a good and healthy thing: I'd say that if all your friends are your same age, that alone is going to make you miss out on a lot of experience and wisdom. The idea that 19 year olds aren't full adults and should only hang out with other 18 year olds is a weird aspect of American culture and isn't particulalry healthy.
@@nikhiljaikumar8611 no one is saying that 19 year olds should only have friends that are also 18 and 19. I’m 30 and have friends that are younger that said when I see them I’m not interested in more than that . They are children and to them I am someone that can give advice and be there to listen like a friend should. As someone who dated someone that was 35 when I was 19 it was absolutely not okay and it makes me sad that both these young girls and the young woman in the story don’t see how predatory this man is. Of course people on the age gap Reddit page were supportive the predators want to validate that they aren’t predators and the younger people don’t realize it’s predatory because predators unfortunately know exactly what they are doing. No doubt the man in the first story has said several time a “you’re so mature for your age.” He is JUST AS BAD as the rest of the older people in these stories.
I think a friendship is fine in the right context. I've had friends all over the age range, from 14 to 60 (I'm 20), and none of it has ever been predatory or creepy. The younger friends are people I met through fandoms, so we bond over those shared interests.
People always throw out how your brain has still developing until you’re in your twenties, but they never quantify how that applies in the real world. What decisions can a 28 year old make that a 22 year old can’t? If we’re going to run with this idea, no one in their twenties should be consuming alcohol because it inhibits their ability to make decisions further. Let’s just say the age of adulthood is 32. No drinking, sex, driving, loans etc. “The coddling of the American mind “. Great book Furthermore, there’s nothing suss about a 40 year old male and a 20 year old woman. That’s pretty much been standard mating practice for most of human history. People didn’t start courting their peers until pretty much the 1700’s unless they were involved in an arranged marriage. At age 40 a man is typically at his prime or nearing his prime (45-52) from a socioeconomic perspective. Women select men based on the resources they have to provide stability for a family. A man in this age demographic most likely is a home owner, has had higher income for a decade, has life experience and can be a sufficient leader. A twenty year old woman is a peak youth, beauty and fertility. These are the traits men look for in women. Why would a man in his prime prefer a woman ten years past hers? At age thirty, 80 percent of your eggs have vanished. After 35, most women these days need to depend on technology to become pregnant. There are a few men that don’t seek reproductive value-they’re rare. For most, why would you pick a woman who’s biologically useless? Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the high school sweetheart, but that poses significant dangers as well. The man may night get the chance to develop certain competencies prior to getting involved with a woman and that can pose many challenges in the future. Perhaps a ten year age gap is best for most people.
I'm in the middle of divorcing my ex. We met when I was about to turn 21 and he was 31, and we got married two years later. Now that I'm 30, I can't even imagine dating a college student... Even though we were in similar stages of life when we married, I've continued to grow and he did not. Even if there isn't anything nefarious going on, large age gaps seem to put an expiration date on relationships. (Hard same on the old soul -> probably just trauma lmaooo)
Age gaps only gross me out if the oldest partner is old enough to be the parent to the other. It creeps me out when people my age (24) are dating/marrying people older than my parents age lol
No one on this podcast EVER sounds dumb! You all articulate very well and Alejandra in particular often has view points that make me stop and really think a moment about all sides of the issue. You guys are great!
Yes, I love Alejandra. She always comes with a different perspective, that I typically agree with. She is able to see things from all sides and that’s important, I think. It’s good that they can disagree sometimes, in a healthy way.
I also feel uncomfortable with age gaps, but mostly for the power imbalance. Because yes, if you're legal and you love somebody, go for it, but what does that say about a man who dates someone 10 or 20 years younger? Does it pay off having a girlfriend so young and inexperienced so that you could play a somewhat protector role to her? (I know is not always the case, but I think it has psychological bases). And also, looking for younger women to date it's pretty common, but then, can't you imply that not being able to date someone close your age means that you don't have the emotional maturity to be with a woman at the same level, stability, maturity, etc.?
This is my reason too. I made a rule for myself that if I date it is only men 5 years above and 2 years below my age because I don't want that imbalance.
My boyfriend is 10 years older than me. It is not because he cannot date women „at his level“. It is because I do not want to date men my age. I’m only 21 however, I am much more mature that those in my age. I have also a stable job, finished college, did a apprenticeship, done a graduate Programm, live alone and earn more than enough to have support a great life style. What I am trying to say: it depends on both parties and their maturity. It is not as black and white as you made it seem.
@@melli1377 Of course. However, i have seen first hand the power imbalance and its hard for the woman to leave. And the man controls almost everything.
@@LemoniestLemony You cannot apply your social experiences you have made in your Social Environment as it is a bubble to generalize all relationships with an age gap. Of course you can set yourself age limits as you have previously stated, as it is you life.
When I was 19 my best friend dated a 40 year old and the manipulation and gaslighting I witnesses was enough to turn me off of large age gaps forever. I think if both people are in the same life stage (settled down, done with school, steady job etc) than an age gap is ok, but if you're barely an adult its weird.
Someone once told me to think of prenups as romantic. It's saying "I love you so much that, even things turn sour, I want you to still have what's yours and not fight over it"
My parents are divorced and they both married someone way younger than them, the difference? My mom married someone 11 years younger than her but when they met they met as business partners and my step dad was already completely independent and was in his late 20s, he was already a a full person and not susceptible to manipulation. My dad on the other hand (who is a little older than my mom) met his now wife and mother of a year old child, as a house tenant, he rented a room to her in his Arizona house (he lived and lives in San Francisco) she was 17! She dropped out of school (which isn’t even that bad but it was worrying at the time) Istg I’m more mature than her and I’m 15, not only that both my older siblings are older than her.
I'm confused about the timeline? You say you're 15 and have older siblings, which would dictate your parents are *at least* in their mid to late 30s, but you said your step dad is 11 years older than your mom... but he's in his late 20s... which would make your mom a teenager... but you're a teenager... so I'm confused. Did the divorce happen when you were way younger than you are now? That's the only way it would make sense
I'm freaked out that he changed her diapers & watched her learn to walk. How can he even think of her like that? I don't know if I could be civil😬🤯 groomer or not it's Hella weird
You're the same people who claim parenting can't turn a gay kid straight or visa versa. It's super weird, but you can't just program someone to be sexually interested in you.
about the prenup things, it isn't just about protecting your stuff from your spouse its also about protecting it from the government. if your spouse dies the government can claim likes taxes and shit but if you have a prenup it protects your money from that
Worse bc Renesmee grew years in months so she was barely a baby and had the intellect of someone older (not that this concept wasn’t gross, but in fantasy we cannot take it literally, bc if we think about it, Edward groomed Bella. She was 17 and he was an old man who lived many full lives).
Lauren you do not sound dumb. I always emotionally approach these podcasts as friends hanging out and talking in a safe space. It’s not an audition for who’s the biggest thinker or a platform where you need to feel uncomfortable speaking your unfiltered thoughts. I love hearing you guys talk and think you bring very wise counsel regardless of the occasional mispronunciation (or different pronunciation bc of you’re background) lol. Ultimately, you guys prove to be empathetic people with very thoughtful opinions, so don’t feel like you have to prove your smarts to a reviewer who might not know the first thing about how difficult it is to be an entertainer. Love you guys and this podcast!!!! ❤️
As someone who was groomed as a teenager, it’s so hard to identify when you’re in it. I worry so much about the girl dating the guy 15 years older that helped raise her. So nasty. Update to add that it does cause a lot of trauma, I don’t trust my own judgement because of that. We met when I was prepubescent and he was in high school, he didn’t live with us but he may as well have, he was such a big part of our family. He called my parents mom and dad, called me and my younger sibling his little sisters (I was not out as non-binary yet). Once I turned 15 he started pursuing me romantically, as an adult. By the time I was 17 we were engaged, I realized the abuse and broke up with him around my 19th birthday. This trauma led to me marrying another abuser when I was 20.
My best friend was 24 when she met het husband and he was 46 at the time. When i heard this i thought it was weird, i tjought he was weird for wanting to date someone 20 years his junior. But when i met him thst weird feeling and prejudice faded within 5 minutes. It became obvious right away that those two were made for each other. They have been married for 2 years after dating for 5 years and they are the happiest couple i've ever met, i hope that someday i'll have someone like that in my live as well 😁
I'm so glad you said that turning 18 is only one day older because I've been saying for years that you're not an automatically different person at 18 from when you were 17 and I've gotten so much hate for it. People (especially people who are either creeps themselves or know creeps) want to justify grown adults dating 18 year olds so much and it's disgusting. They are still a teen! A child! They might not have even graduated high school! I hate that it's controversal, people need to realize "legal" does not equal "healthy". Edit: I'm disappointed you could say this then say you didn't have a problem with the 16-year age gap. What does a 34 year old have in common with an 18 year old? Just because you feel bad for op's situation with the family doesn't mean you should ignore what really happened.
Hi! Don’t mind my late reply it just seemed like a good opportunity for discussion as I just watched the episode and saw your comment. I think the difference between the earlier story and the last story is this man was changing his now fiancé’s and mother of his child’s diapers and still somehow created a sexual attraction to her whilst also going behind this family’s back that essentially adopted him. Idk, her being pregnant felt very much like he purposely trapped her and took advantage of the family’s generosity after they gave him money to be successful and in turn start screwing their daughter behind their back. I think it’s also fair to say I would be uncomfortable with the situation no matter the ages. If you change someone’s diaper, there’s no logical reason to build a sexual and romantic attraction unless there’s something mentally wrong. The last couple, however, met while they were both working on themselves. Had a (I’m assuming) platonic relationship for a year growing and getting to know each other before deciding to start dating. Even after dating they were together in what seems like a very healthy relationship for 8 years building a relationship with his son and still finishing school and showing independence. They met each other under very normal circumstances and allowed a lot of time for the relationship to grow in a healthy way and at a very slow and steady pace. Idk the circumstances and context make a huge difference for me and I love these girls. Selfishly I’m hoping I can make you not disappointed in their responses, but I understand where you’re coming from too!
1) 18 year old's aren't "children", that's insane. 2) Relationships aren't supposed to be about "what you have in common", they're supposed to be about what you can give to, and provide for, one another. Maybe the 18 year old is looking for a kind of quasi-parental figure to provide for her, nurture her, guide and mentor her, and the 34 year old wants someone that he can care for, nurture, and help her develop into her best self? 3) Why wouldn't it be healthy? Most crime and antisocial behaviour is committed by young men, not older men- I would guess that the typical 34 year old (or for that matter 54 year old) is way more likely to treat an 18 year old well than another 18 y/o would.
@@nikhiljaikumar8611 Actress Evan Rachel Wood was 18 when she began seeing shock rocker Marilyn Manson, who was 37 then. Now she's claiming he "groomed" her for a music video, drugged her up, and raped her on camera.
I have always been uncomfortable with big age gaps. I had a VERY innocent, very young cherub looking friend who had just turned 18 and hadn't even held a boy's hand yet. We shared a room at this place we did this gap year at where there was tons of people from all over the world all who were a bit older and more 'wordly'. She constantly had attention from the guys and was pursued by four main ones. Their ages were 24, 28, 36 and 30. I was a few years older and very protective as she was a month younger than my little sister. Anyway, I wouldn't hide how creepy I thought all these guys were but I was made to be the evil, judgemental friend who was dropped. She rejected all these guys except the last one who was 30 and the other guys did NOT react well. One broke her laptop as revenge...
I recently moved to a new city so I don't have many friends, and when you add a pandemic I don't really have an opportunity to even try making new friends. I love watching you guys cause it feels like i'm just hanging out with some girlfriends. Thanks for being so warm and inviting! I love all the topics you guys discuss!
I feel bad for the girl in the first story but I still don’t agree with the age gap in that situation. It is INCREDIBLY weird to me that someone at 38 would be dating someone that is still a TEENAGER (literally double her age) and cannot legally even drink yet. If she were even 27 and he 46 I would think of it differently. She was still a teenager and it’s still weird.
Whether you feel weird about their relationship is neither here nor there. The issue is people feeling uncomfortable about a situation they are not in does not justify abuse and discrimination. No other relationship would make people feel so justified in being openly disrespectful.
@@elisecox8785 it’s often legitimately damaging to the younger person, even if they don’t realize the extent of it until they’re older. Perpetuating this as no biggie is a disservice to those lacking the life experience to view the situation clearly.
@@mads597 The Age-IPV Curve: Changes in Intimate Partner Violence Perpetration during Adolescence and Young Adulthood "To present results parsimoniously, we group age into four categories covering four years each. For male youth, IPV perpetration increased from 13% at 13-16 years to 19% at 17-20 years. This is followed by subsequent decreases at 21-24 years (15%) and 25-28 years (10%). [...] The age pattern for general antisocial behavior displayed a curvilinear pattern similar to the one for IPV perpetration among adolescent boys and young men increasing slightly from 30% at 13-16 years to 33% at 17-20 years followed by decreases at 21-24 years (25%) and 25-28 years (18%)." But tell me again how its the creepy old men we have to worry about.
@womenbythedashboardlight6959 Did your partner change your diapers? I mean, its pretty obvious that in the first story they started doing something when she was barely legal. Look, personally I think age gap relationships can work pretty well (if that's what you want, go ahead!:)) but you can't deny the problems that comes with it, and sometimes it involves grooming and even more manipulation
That fifth story is something I've seen a few times. Age gaps in homosexual relationships, I think, are a bit more common and a bit more equal. The younger usually gains from the experience and support. And the older is usually healed by the acceptance and empathy. It's pretty common to have the older as someone who was closeted who struggled with acceptance and identity, which is tough for everyone but even more so for LGBT+ youth. I've actually been wondering about this dynamic a lot lately because as cultures become more accepting I wonder if the number of age gap relationships will decline.
i would be interested to find out if they came out at a similar time. not a similar age, but like both came out 5 years ago or something. i think for queer people, since a lot of maturing and experience can happen after you come out, it would lessen the impact of an age gap. i could be totally off but i would be interested to find out
@@leo9597 from what I remember in the 2 relationships I'm more familiar with the olders were both out before they met the younger ones. One of them, "Bill", was out for 10 years. In the second one, "Steve", was out for 1 year. Edit: it was 10 and 1 year with respect to their partner. At this point all 4 have been out a minimum of 12 years.
gay/lesbian age gap relationships also seem to generally have less power imbalance issues too (obv not always the case but...) and at least part of the reason due to being the same gender and no trad gender roles applying
I have 2 different takes on this subject. My first husband who I was married to for 15 years, was 30 years older than me. I was 20 when we met. He is the absolute best dad ever. But we had literally nothing in common AT ALL. Eventually the differences put a strain on the marriage, and we divorced. Now onto my current marriage. He is 8 years younger than I am. And we have a lot in common. Gaming. Looking for new adventures. The love for our cats. Our humour is the same. How we play fight/can be young with each other. I have never been so in love. No idea how to end this, so yeah. :)
I think it’s great that you are discussing grooming and explaining it. I think this kind of open dialogue could help to prevent this happening to so many other young people
My parents are wild, romantic drama protagonists that are 17 years apart. They were penpals on a Christian relationship site for some months, just talking about their day, etc. (they aren’t big on heavy topics, more on simply being part of each other’s lives) before deciding to meet, so my dad got on a plane and flew from the Oregon to Jakarta, Indonesia. Instant physical connection, evidently. Mom told me after a few dates, they conceived me, professed their love for each other (???), decided to get married, and have been for 18 years. So many plot-holes, so much residual drama for taking it fast and raising me with two generations’ old outlooks, but they made it work (their relationship with each other, not necessarily me). I don’t really understand how they work because they hardly speak to each other, which has caused many, many issues, and never go out, but I can tell they’re still in love. They say the rosary together every night, eat dinner together, make each other laugh, massage each other’s achy joints, and attempt to parent me. To sum it up, they’re going to be buried with one another, but they’ll die fighting over where.
My parents have a 22 year age gap and are still married for more than 25 years. They met when she was mid 20's. Both had previous relationships that didn't work out. Sometimes you can't choose who you fall in love with.
@@alexandrafinnegan8343 I got alot of teasing for it as a child, but I learnt to live with it. Some people didn't understand and make weird remarks, which I ignored over the years. Now society has changed their thinking or somewhat. My parents are still going strong.
Lauren’s reaction at 16:41 is exactly how I felt when Morgan said that comment. I’m at work and audibly went “oh no” Hey Morgan and Lauren! I just started listening to the show recently (on Spotify) after seeing TikTok clips. Decided I should start from the beginning and work my way to new episodes. Thanks for awesome content and discussions. These episodes make the work day breeze by.
Currently finishing my bachelor of science. I'll be 40 when I graduate. The young lady with the older boyfriend who expects her to spend $2500 a month at 22, no career yet? No Sir! She should run.😊
My fiance and I are getting married in 14 days, we have a 16 year age gap. (He is older) We meet as adults, developed the relationship as adults, and make joint decisions as equals. He is the kindest most loving person I have ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship with, and the past 2 years have been amazing together (Even with the world issues) I have had to defend the relationship over and over again. "he is the same age as your uncle, how are you okay with that?" It's exhausting. I really appreciate that you grew in this podcast. From being fairly against age gaps to seeing when/when they are not appropriate.
Sounds like you have an amazing relationship! So lucky to have each other. Congrats and have so much fun at your wedding/ceremony!! And yes I think there’s so many factors but I’m on board as long and the dynamics are good 😊
The first one grosses me out. I don't like that his family is trying to demonize her when obviously the one in the wrong here is him. It doesn't matter if she was legally an adult when they met, she was 19 and that is still really young and can be easily influenced. I think people need to stop thinking that once someone is 18 they can't be groomed. 20 is such a young age and I do think she's a victim whether she notices it or not. Why is he going after 19 year olds?
Righttt!?! I can't fathom what they can have in common. Yes, i can understand that they might enjoy same things, but like they have sooooo big differences in their experiences. He has worked for about 20years and she graduated from highschool a few years prior, and she probably is in university/college. He probably has a lot of money and she doesn't. It feels like there is some sort of power imbalance in their relationship. Even if they love each other deeply, they still aren't on the same level IMO💁 i dont mind age gaps when both of them are on the same level but this relationship feels a litttle iffy for me. Like, why is he so attracted to such a young person? It's normal for young people to like older people but the other way around...yikesss😬😅 i feel like the family is also in the wrong for harassing her for the relationship
the fact that its a 19 year age gap and they started dating when she was 19 is so--just--bleh to me. like the age gap is equal to her age at the beginning of the relationship. that's a year out of college--the fact that his family is blaming her is insane to me
People need to stop thinking you can't be "groomed" by someone your own age. Every abuse, manipulative relationship I've ever witnessed or been part of his been between people of similar age ranges. Every. Single. One. The only two older women I was ever involved with were as dumb as rocks and could run intellectual circles around them, and the only manipulating was done by me. Being older than someone only marginally increases your ability to manipulate them. On the other hands, your chances of actually being abuse are drastically higher if you're younger. Research shows men 17 - 20 are twice as likely to hit their partners as those 25 - 28.
Anyone else think this is the best pod cast ever!? Thank you so much for taking time to edit and make this. Morgan I'm honestly wishing you the best with your debt and that this podcast gets all the love it truly desires. I love taking an hour out of my day listening to stories and hearing your opinion on it. Best of luck! Will definitely be here tuning in🥰🤗
As someone who used to judge age gaps HARD and then fell in love at 31 with a 55 year old I can tell you I was humbled humbled. I remember the day I made the decision to take a leap of faith and date him (we had been friends for a while at that point and there was no denying the chemistry between us.) I remember saying to myself “girl, are you gonna wait for this imaginary man who ticks all the superficial boxes or are you going to see where this goes because you know there’s something special here” 7 years on and I can confidently tell you that my husband is the most caring attentive hilarious and capable husband and father and he lives and breathes for his family. Yes of course him being older means we really had to sit down and discuss if we should have a family or not and we discuss the future with a lot more forethought than younger couples would but I wouldn’t trade him for anything. All this to say that nothing is that black and white and with matters such as age gap there is great nuance in the shade and shape of a relationship that needs to be considered.
For the 500k guy, I have always believed that bills should be split based on how much of the household income you make. You make 80% of the combine household income, you pay 80% of the bills. My mother went into debt when she had me bc she had to go to part time at work and still pay half the bills, even though my father could have easily covered more of the bills.
Story 2: if the parents give up now they will loose their chance to send this to trial. They should pull her phone records. If they were texting before she was 18 they need to file charges right now or else they will be too late.
Hey! So the age gap story about the daughter being pregnant by a family friend that was raised by her family-This has an update!!!! I listened to this for the first time this morning and randomly stumbled upon an update just now that the OP posted 6hrs ago. Seems like she’s doing well. Just wanted to let you know in case you hadn’t seen it yet. Thank you for this podcast, I love it. Keep up the great work.
Me and my bf have a 20 year age gap. I’m 36 and he’s 56. We just celebrated our 7 year anniversary. Honestly, the best/happiest/healthiest relationship I have ever been with ❤️
there's a couple here on TH-cam that I'm subscribed to, and thy have a significant age gap. but they have such comforting and wholesome content and you can tell they both truly love each other. their relationship definitely made me think about age gaps differently.
I’m ten years older and I had a very frank convo with my partner once we realised we were both attracted to each other. It’s largely been about making sure she has support networks not based on me. That she knows she can talk to her family and confidants about anything to do with me. And making sure equally that her family all know they are welcome in our lives. We have now been together for 3 years, and I can confidently say we are both in it for the long haul. At the end of the day, anything negatively assumed about me was just people worrying and caring for the person I love, so it’s on me to prove them right or wrong. The consequences of me being a bad guy are too dangerous ya know? 🤷♂️
Exactly! Honestly, if a woman’s father is involved, there really shouldn’t be a problem. A lot of age gap relationships fail because the woman is typically without guidance and doesn’t know what she’s doing at all.
My ex-stepmom’s relative babysat us (starting at 4) and was a part of our lives. When I turned 18 he told me “I always knew you would be an independent woman like this.” Then proceeded to try to pay me to date him.
re: prenups, I've just come around on them recently, myself. I am all for prenups because it allows you to take legal control over the agreement of your marriage. Marriage is, legally, a contract that pretty much nobody fully understands. I don't want to take just the default terms, I want to be clear on what I'm promising, what I'm agreeing to, and how we can prevent the government or debt collection or whatever from going after the others' assets so that it can support the relationship rather than sink the family. Heard a story about a woman who had properties before marriage. They included in a prenup that her assets were her own. When her husband became extremely ill, hospital fees put him into massive debt but couldn't seize her property.
I guess I just feel bad about age gap relationships in general. Everyone says you should just ignore ppl who think ill of your relationship, but then you have just about everyone constantly thinking the absolute worst about you …. whether that’s you being a gold digger, or having daddy issues or being a predator. It sucks all the way around. And for ppl to tell you “oh don’t worry about it” or “don’t pay attention” must be easier said than done
My fiancé and I met when I was 21 and he was 38, he was successful in his career and I was flat broke trying to get back into college. He’s been my biggest support and always talks about ‘building independent Zola’. He helped sustain me while I found therapy and got my feet back under me. I’ve always been more mature for my age and he and I connect on many levels despite the gap. The gap makes it fun tho when I show him more gen Z shows, movies, music, and the latest lingo. He shows me classics he grew up with. We balance each other well and my therapist, tho skeptical at first, now believes a lot of my success in my mental health journey is in no small part due to the loving and supportive relationship I have. Not all age gaps, even large ones, are bad.. Disclaimer- I know what grooming is and I think it’s awful. That’s not what happened in my case but I know it’s common. Also at the beginning of our relationship I was constantly checking in with myself to be sure I was falling in love with the person and not falling into an imbalanced relationship playing on any daddy issues I could have.
Two friends of mine have a significant age gap between them actually so this topic intrigued me. One is 40 and the other is 25. Normally, this would greatly gross me out and concern me (I'm 28 and only ever dated 3yrs above as an adult). But they had both come out last year after being in straight marriages and are both quite mature women that can take care of themselves (full time jobs, finances are great, etc it's equal). I knew them both before they got together and saw it all blossom within deep chats in our group chat. It's honestly beautiful seeing them together so I don't think about it until someone mentions ages. The older one is usually the most concerned about what people think, despite it being the younger one who did the "chasing". The age gap debate is a tricky one. But I like what Morgan & Lauren had said about being in similar head spaces and chapters of your lives, that no one is being taken advantage of. I also had a friend who was in a long term relationship, starting when she was 14 and he was 24... though it was brutally abusive and no adults (teachers, parents, police, no one) stepped in to help her because when she hit 16, at that point it was considered consenting (16 is the legal age to have s*x which is wild to me in Australia) so people were quite until she hit that age and that was the excuse. Even though people knew about it when she was 14... She's 27 now and is still suffering from the trauma... So two different age gaps, two different scenarios... hard to be black and white on the topic.
2nd story: I'm also a mother as a product of being groomed. I was 17 when the "relationship" started and he was my 37 year old boss. I for pregnant 3 months after my 18th birthday. My daughter is now 4 and he has 0 rights to her. I hate that one day ill have to explain to her that her biological dad was a creep.
How was he a creep? 16 is the age of consent in most states, and most parts of the world. You were 17 and you made a decision. Deal with it. Stop blaming others for the regret you have. You could have said no, gotten an abortion, or just used protection.
You made a bad decision and blame your age. If you were 18, there's a 99% chance you would have done the same thing. People get manipulated into bad decisions by people close to their age all the time, they just don't blame the age gap when it happens.
Age gaps are a power imbalance. Inherently. I’m not saying bully people for their relationships, but just because people are in similar phases of their life doesn’t mean that a huge age gap doesn’t create a power imbalance.
I wouldn’t quite agree with that. Definitely understand what you’re saying, but I’ve almost always had 6+ years between my partners and I, and it’s just not something that is ever brought up. I’m my own financially independent person, and so are they. The age doesn’t play into our relationship at all, because we don’t even realize it’s there.
@@triniquigley7094 I don’t really think I ignore it? I mean there’s always a possibility that I’m doing something and I don’t realize it, though I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve dated people my age and it’s always ended in a toxic way and I always end up supporting them in every way, so I date a bit older because we feel like equals. Not saying this is always the case, because it definitely isn’t, I’m just sharing my experience 🤷🏻♀️
it’s also a lot differently for younger girls dating older boys because girls mature more quickly than boys and are at a similar mental state despite a 3-4 year age gap
@@lizzysmith8513 this isn’t necessarily true. Women are forced to grow up faster but I don’t think we’re actually more mature, just traumatized and playing the part we’re given
I’ve literally binge watched this pod like a Netflix show. I LOVE it…been suggesting it to everyone lol. It’s so nice to see someone in the same stage of life on a podcast and discussing things…. Can’t wait to see more eps! So sad I’m already all the way through them.
a prenup not only protects the things you owned, but it also protects you from s a potential sew or demand, for example; if your husband or wife dies and it has a debt in some bank, it protects you from that. I love this episode, most of the things that were told in this episode, I see it in class (I'm a psychology student) and this is so accurate, most of the time the age gap is used to have control over the other person life, and what satisfaction this person can do to you, but when that is over this person has no obligation to keep the relationship in order to feel satisfied, so... the other one gets absolute nothing and feel abandoned and mostly used. The age gap is a really difficult topic and I loved the way you talk about it.
Me and my partner met when I was 21, close to 22 and he was 28. We get along so great, he understands me so much better than any man my own age. I've always been someone whose more mature than those my age, so when I met him, we click on so many different levels. He's the most wonderful man in the world and treats me like a queen xx
My boyfriend and I have a 12 year age gap. I’m 25 and he’s 37, and I don’t even see our age gap anymore. We get along very well, we share the same morals and I love his outlook on life. There are things that we don’t get to share such as music and pop culture/movie references but we share things with each other that benefit the both of us. I wouldn’t have it any other way 🥰
My partner and I were 21 and 36 when we started dating. Love each other dearly. Its been over 12 years and we share a beautiful daughter and son on the way. ❤ I asked him on our first date and don’t regret 1 thing
My college roommate graduated high school with a girl that was a underaged nanny for a family and they would take her on trips with them, when she turned 18 the dad started having an affair with her and then left the wife. And the nanny now has the children call her mom… Always thought it was so weird and judged her, but the dad absolutely must have been grooming her when she was the nanny. I wonder if they’re still together…
i currently am thinking a lot about this topic and went back to this episode. i always dated older than me from a young age. my gaps were 14&17, 20&30, 22&35. Even briefly dating someone 40 when i was 18. Now at 26 my partner is 34. With time those gaps definetly are less significant and noticeable than before, but i just also never could imagine having a relationship with someone 18-22 now, just because there's still so many life changes until someone is fully secure in their adulthood. 25+ i see this a bit more relaxed.
You have grown up and can finally see things for what they truly were. At 26 you can't imagine being with someone 18-22 so imagine how you'll feel about it at 30, 35 and 40... Being 26 with a 34 year old partner is completely fine. But your other relationships were not fine and they took advantage of your immaturity and lack of life experience.
Yes! Speaking of ages gaps I felt very old knowing that. But also it’s depressing that “rumour has it”, which I haven’t seen. But assume is not iconic, is better known than the iconic ‘the graduate’, but I hasten to say this isn’t criticism. I laughed at that part.
Lauren is absolutely my favorite person you have on your podcast. In fact since I only started watching a few months ago and am going back to watch older videos I will a lot of the time look for ones with her. Y’all are not dumb, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Lauren is such a beautiful person inside and out. I love how real she is, how real y’all are. That is one of the reasons I love this podcast so much. 54:49
Why does a grown up, 40 year old man, need to date a teen? That's the actual question. Even if she's "mature" and has gone through a lot. He has some issues
True. A grown adult going for a teen is predatory. Age gaps are fine if the younger one is over 20. I am 36 and my girlfriend is 22 and we have a very healthy relationship
@@lostecho5318 So at 18 a 65 year old man can send you to war, and you can choose him as leader of the free world, but you can't go to bed with him? Just stop. All this nonsense about being predatory is just our excuse to vilify people for being gross and creepy. Parents can't even control their 15 year old daughters. No way you can have Jedi mind control powers over someone just because they're a teenager and you're 30.
Something people forget when it comes to age gaps, your age may not matter for the first half of your relationship but once you get old it does matter. You can be thriving in your 50s but then be burdened down taking care of your elder spouse. For some that is a burden worth having to be with someone you love, but not everyone can handle that.
This a point that I believe people tend to forget. I recently had a conversation with a man who is 55 and his fiance is 22. This man has pretty much lived already and the woman is just starting life. By the time that she is 42 (if they even make it to 20 years of marriage) her husband will be 75. Thats an elderly retired person while she is still relatively young and lively and most likely still working. It can quickly become a burden also if she has to start taking care of him because his health is is going down hill because of age. And never mind if children are involved?
@@msgirly6827 exactly. If they wants kids but don't have them right away, she is then taking care of children/teens and an elderly man. And once she retires she probably couldn't even travel or do any of the things one wants to do when they retire. Personally it's not something I would take on, I already worry about my parents getting older.
I’ve been watching for maybe 1-2 months and your updates are the highlight of my week! I love hearing your opinions on all the different scenarios and I often find myself nodding and commenting along like an idiot. Keep up the amazing work! I adore everyone at Two Hot Takes!
Story 3: it’s my personal opinion that if you love and respect your partner and they don’t make as much money, you support them by paying and making money not an issue. My husband was basically bankrupt years ago and hated his job. I told him to quit and find his happiness and covered the bills. I supported his dreams. Now we are both very successful and happy beyond what we could have imagine at that time.
my parents have a 18 yr age gap and i for so long i still dont feel like its that weird unless i do the whole "when he was this age, she was this" but they work together as a couple very well and have been together 25 yrs. I think so much of it is when people meet, maturity, and where they are in life. I don't think anyone under like 25 should be considering a 10+ age gap because you are probably in such drastically different stages of life. My sister also dated someone in their late 20s when she was early 20s and although it wasn't that big of a gap, he couldn't deal with her being more successful in her career than him (they worked in the same industry).
As a student of psychology/neurology, I wanna give my two-cents on each story. To start for all of them, I think how big the age gap is matters less than the stages of development each person is in. From a scientific perspective, major brain development starts as a child and continues on into late adulthood. *Most* major brain development in the decision-making part of the brain is done by the age of 18, but not all of it is done until about the age of 23-25 depending and major brain development in general is done at around 30. This matters a lot and it's why a relationship between a 10 and 30 year old shouldn't be weighed the same as a relationship between a 30 and 50 year old. In my eyes, if you're gonna be in a relationship with an age gap you should hold off until you're both in a more equal stage of development, and don't let the older know that's what you're doing to prevent grooming. 30+ is obviously where stuff isn't so problematic anymore but I'd say 23-25+ is the bare minimum since that's the stage you can at least grasp the choice you're making. Based on that, this is my two-cents on the situations: Story 1 - 19-Year Age Gap: Absolutely unacceptable power imbalance Where in god's name was a 19-year-old meeting men twice her age. I hate that this was posted on r/AgeGaps because that comment section is an echo chamber. That family is %100 right to call him out, though I wish the MIL had been nicer to the girl since she's clearly been groomed. Story 2 - Distressed Father: Bad right from the start and only got worse with every word. He raised her as a *baby*. Grooming was 100% involved here. I feel so bad for the position this dad is in and he's right that cutting his daughter off might make her more susceptible for this grooming. I have no idea what I'd do, but I'd wanna skin that man. Story 3- Splitting rent: Not only is this power imbalance obviously problematic but the update on the post just proves that even further. The boyfriend not only didn't consider what she could afford before choosing a place to live but he said "You're family can pay this" not "You can pay this". The fact he switched up and offered an allowance made the subtle problems overt. He never saw her as an autonomous adult, he saw her as a sugar baby he wasn't formally paying yet and therefore did not have her best interest at heart. Story 4 - AITA for Icing My Cousin: This is not a problematic power difference. She was 25 when they met and they've been together for a few years. She's almost 30 and there hasn't been many bumps in the road, not to mention the older partner was conscientious of the age gap to begin with. The cousin also clearly has no regard for boundaries and this just seems like another step in that direction. The fact it's a wlw relationship doesn't really matter, but the fact the cousin brought up the butch/femme dynamic also shows they have no idea what butch/femme dynamic is and just sees it as a "diet heterosexual" dynamic. All around, OP is not the asshole. Story 5 - Married and Unacknowledged: This one is pretty gross. 19 and 35 are totally unacceptable ages to be dating like that. They may have met in a similar class, but one of them is just getting into collage while the other is going for a PhD, it's not the same. Weather the couple is same-sex or not doesn't really have a baring on morality, but it is notable that this is Europe and he mentions his partner helping him "step into" his sexuality. This is an echo of pederasty and is a bit of a problem amongst queer youth all over the world, but especially in Europe (think the movie "Call Me by Your Name"), making them more susceptible to grooming. The fact they decided to separate themselves from the family rather than getting cut off is a sign this could be abusive (his partner may be separating him from any nay-sayers, especially ones who've supported him through abusive situations before) and I hope he starts to realize this isn't healthy. Yes he's 26, but he's been with this man the whole time and grooming is a powerful influence. Story 6 - AskReddit Comment: Okay so I don't think this situation is okay by any means. Not only is this boy 20 but he never even learned how old this mother was. I don't know if it's necessarily as bad at the other situations (like the first story) only because it's not a long-term relationship that could have manipulation and grooming involved and the two clearly just wanted to have sex, but the gap is still at least questionable considering what stage he was in. It's one of those situations where I'd say to him "It's fine if you're okay with that situation because it didn't go badly, but I'd advise you not do that again". What's important is that he doesn't seem traumatized or hurt from it. I'm open to other opinions if you disagree, but my stances are primarily based in scientific research and psychological dynamic so I don't think I'll be too easily swayed unless the counterpoint is more about acknowledgement of nuance or involves some other kinds of research I haven't seen yet (the latter I'm very open to, people with good psychological research please interact!). Edit: Spelling/Formatting
Did not find the first story worrying at all. You do not know the maturity level of this person, so for you as a psychology Student to make baseless assumptions without knowing the parties involved is wowing in a bad way.
@@melli1377 but isn't is weird that a 19 and 39 year old have the same maturity level??? they SHOULDN'T be at the same level or place in life at those ages, she is still a child, a teen, and he should be a fully grown man who isn't looking at teenagers as potential romantic partners
@@melli1377 First of all, I actually do know a thing or two about normal maturity level considering I explained how that works in the first paragraph. Her decision making brain is not done developing at that stage and all his major brain development is. Second, if either of these parties involved have an unusual maturity level, either she would know this is weird and not have done it or this man in his 40s is stuck in the mentality of a teenager which is MUCH more concerning and he needs Psychological help before settling down to marry anyone.
@@Muton230 Exactly this. Someone being more or less mature just based off a vibe is not how it works. Either this is concerning for the obvious reasons or it's concerning because one or both of these parties has some sort of mental illness/brain damage.
I'm late to the party, but I'd also like to add that, in the first story, the fact that her parents passed away may be a reason why she gets along better with an older man. Speaking as someone who's had older, terminally ill parents my whole life and has watched both of my remaining grandparents and my mom pass away by the age of twenty-two, it ages you mentally. I have plenty of friends my age, but the vast majority of them seem really immature and short sighted to me... I just have a very different perspective on life after experiencing so much death, so I could completely imagine feeling more comfortable with someone who is older and has had similar experiences. Not to mention it typically causes you to be much more self-sufficient and self-assured from a much younger age...
My best friends parents ( who kinda helped raise me) were around 20 years apart. They got together when the mother was about 18 and he was in his mid 30s. He supported her doing anything she wanted, encouraged her to go to school, do a job she liked etc. They were a loving and caring couple Who were together for 34 years when he died from cancer. She never regretted being with him and he was not and authoritative kind of guy but cared and wanted her to do what was best for her.
I'm in a 9/10 year age gap I have a late birthday (now 30) and he has an early birthday (now 40) with my boyfriend. He was a teenage dad. We just just welcomed our first grandchild about a month ago. I couldn't be more proud of my "unusual" family.
2nd story: Parent said they learned when the relationship actually started & that they chose not to press charges. That leads me to think it def started before she was 18. 💔 Also, 2 happy homes are ALWAYS better than 1 unhappy/toxic home; and single parent households can be very healthy for a child. Never would I EVER sign a prenup. Ik how blessed I am that my man wants to provide for me, my child, and his children.
@@jenniferbrown3782 I learned that lesson the hard way with my ex-husband. I suppose that if both parties have $$, own property, etc., then the protection may be necessary. I've lived my entire adult life in poverty, tho. Had my fiancée been wealthy and expressed his need for a prenup, we wouldn't have made it past that conversation. 🤷🏽♀️ In my last relationship, damn near the moment I said "I do", all of his promises to "take care of me" went out the window. Being fully aware of my physical limitations, and after providing for me for 2 years, he decided that I needed to find a way to support myself. He didn't take into account that the home we were living in was paid for BY ME. He said he 'wanted to take a break from working for a while'. He was only working part time to begin with! I left before the 2nd anniversary rolled around. Had he been in complete financial control of me, I would've felt trapped. Had there been a major lifestyle change that I was facing, or had I thought that I would end up homeless, without a vehicle, etc., I would've been much more likely to stay in a bad situation. It's happened to countless people, majority of whom are women. So had my fiancée been wealthy and required a prenup, I would've said goodbye. Not only because of the unbalanced dynamic it could create; but also, if you're preparing for a divorce, WHY get married?? The relationship failing should be the furthest thing from your mind, imo.🤷🏽♀️✌🏽
Timestamps:
Story 1: 3:21
Story 2: 13:13
Story 3: 26:52
Story 4: 44:08
Story 5: 56:12
Story 6: 1:06:00
Thankyou
youre a saint thank you
Thank you 🙏
Tysm
I hope you have lovely days always
My philosophy on age gaps is that the older you get, the acceptable gap gets wider. 10 years between an 18 and 28 year old is huge but its practically nothing if a 40 year old and a 50 year old start dating
Exactly, at ages 40 and 50 you kinda know who you are and there’s usually not any more big revelations or life stages to go through. But between the ages of 18 and 28 you go through a lot that shapes who you are. I’m 26 and I’m a VASTLY different person from who I was at 18, and I think it can cause a lot of friction in relationships where one person is still going through these big life altering stages and the other is not. Especially if the older person clings onto how their partner was when they first met and won’t let them grow.
Whenever I see anyone interested in someone way younger I can’t help but think they’ve decided to date someone that young BECAUSE they’re still impressionable and can be manipulated into being the “perfect partner”
It's true I'm 25 and my bf is 36 big enough age gap but acceptable, at first my brother's found it weird but then I threw all their age gap relationships in their faces and they just came to terms with it now they couldn't care less and just get to know him have a laugh and stuff (also long distance) he lives in America I'm in UK
@@oppositepuppy i feel like the mid 20 with mid 30 age gap is the one people that want to mold the younger one into an “ideal” spouse happens.
@@karinalumen9722 why do you feel that? I've noticed myself that my bf doesn't stop me doing anything and he loves doing almost everything that I do as well, he's just happy being with me and doesn't fuss about what we do as long as we're spending time together, i don't know if that's a rare thing or something but I like to game and so does he, I like movies he likes similar movies I've introduced to sooo many things he'd never seen nor tried and he's older than I am he's honestly the best partner I could of ever asked for in life
obv it’s not all about age, but i agree with you. i’m still young (won’t tell you how young) but i’m mostly attracted to an older person, but i know my place and i know that this kind of relationship at this age is really inappropriate to have. that’s why i’m not rushing anything and waiting till i’m older and wiser to even have to date anyone. cuz tbh either younger, same age, or older people they’re all the same if you met the wrong one regardless of age.
First story still gave me red flags. You wouldn't lose all your friendships over a relationship that was completely safe/healthy.
That's what I thought exactly. They probably know when they met and think that him picking her up fresh off the bus is not okay, they are displaying concerning behavior, or there is a clear power imbalance like Morgan mentioned. Him picking her up at 19 definitely gave me the ick tho, that's barely legal...
honestly for the first story, the mistake the mother in law made was questioning the young girls intentions, when she should question why her VERY ADULT SON is dating a TEENAGER. Also they only dated a year before getting married with that age gap, that doesn't sound well.
Ok facts!! I think people like to pin age gap relationships on the impressionable taken advantaged of girl rather than older man who has more power. Crazy.
@@ubfunkysrule I always pin it on the older man. Always.
Exactly! It’s not her fault if she’s being manipulate s
Seems like he was waiting the legal day who knows what he was doing behind doors parents really need to not welcome none blood related ppl to their house most of them r grøømers I have seen enough stories of ppl ending up with their no blood sibling/father/mother these ppl know how to manipulate these kids from young age n make them keep secret of everything they r doing to the kids anyways English is not my 3rd language so…. Enjoy being confused
Funny how women want to be equal until it means equal responsibility for their choices. Lmao.
Story #2 if someone told me that they started dating someone inappropriate when they turned 18, knowing they had a different relationship before hand. Sorry, there’s no chance I’m gonna sit there and believe that everything was perfectly platonic until their 18th birthday
Yeah, it’s very likely that things started before she was of age, and they lied about it to her parents to make the relationship seem more acceptable
It’s something that is so disgusting. Like when I see people say ‘oh they waited until I was 18’ yes that wasn’t for your sake, it was so the groomer doesn’t get in trouble…it’s not sweet!! Argh
Yeah, 100% agree. Definitely some grooming
Exactly what I was thinking. They for sure lied about when it started and he literally changed her diapers im infuriated
It probably not and I feel the same about the 19 year old and 38 year old in the first story. Neither are romantic and scream red flags especially towards these older men.
I’m pretty sure the main argument against age gaps isn’t age gaps, its power imbalances. My best friends parents are 20 years apart but they eat when her mom was 40 and her dad was 60, both of them were established in careers and had previous marriages, and had equal footing. But, another friend of mine had a 3 year age gap crush when she was 17 and all of our group had to remind her how bad of an idea it was to ‘date’ someone who was in a weird position of authority over her. The age gaps aren’t just about age, its about power and if someone has too much of it over their SO.
YES!!!
100%. You can be the same exact age but have a power imbalance.
This is SO true! I didn’t know why the thought of a 20 year old getting together with a 40 year old made me sick but a 40 yo and a 60 yo seems fine.
Your brain doesn’t even stop developing until your 25!
Even 30 and 50 is much better. An older person going for anyone in they’re 20’s has just always given me predatory vibes.
@@supernova11711 Since when is the solution to one immature mind to pair them with another immature mind? If your daughter was an airhead, and brought home the class valedictorian for dinner, you wouldn't say 'Oh noes, he's smarter than her, he'll manipulate her!" You'd say "Phew, she found a smart guy to keep her out of trouble."
Studies shows the 17-20 demographic is about twice as likely to commit IPV as someone 25 -28. Yet it's the "creepy older men" you worry about.
What was his authority?
My parents are 7 years apart, which doesn’t sound bad until you find out they started dating when my mom was 15 and dad was 22.
Mine are also 7 yrs apart, but started when my dad was 47 and my mom 40! Weird how timing makes a huge difference.
He dated someone who still had a curfew and probably complained about bed time.
@@OlivePapyrus only for a year until my mom moved in with him. To say it was a messy situation would be an understatement.
Yikes omg
Yikes I’m 22 and think about myself at 15 that’s way too young
The second story 🤢 he literally groomed her since she was 1
Agree and how come they don't view each other as brother and sister, they somehow grew up together :/
@@slowdisco2741 seriously, it’s just all around a messed up situation
I understand having feelings for one another because after all they are not family, I am dating my brother's BFF and we practically grew up together although he is 9 years older than me. We started talking last year during a wedding, me 24 him 33, and after that we hanged out more and more. WHAT I don't agree with is that she was only 18! There was something going on before and we all know it.
Major woody Allen vibes here 🤮
1 billion percent messed around before 18 ))):
The groomer story genuinely makes me terrified for their unborn child CUZ HE RAISED HER RAISED HER
And they’re having a girl 😥😥😥
That third story about the rent was a huge red flag. It feels like such a groomer move. Increase the target's financial burden to either put strain on her relationship with her parents or increase her dependence on him. The fact he changed his time instantly makes it seem like the money thing was just an excuse to take more power and control. Glad she is out of that situation but that dude seems dangerous.
THANK YOU! I was hoping someone would bring up the third story. Because NO, you shouldn’t leave home in an unstable situation, especially when being expected to pay for a wage you can’t afford. It def creates a situation of dependence.
@@Alluponit31 and @Alovatolo
Yes! wtf. If he was a Good Guy, it would be, "I'll pay everything since I can suddenly afford this and I want it."
Of course she'll contribute (or if she won't that is ANOTHER situation) but this is the big BUT to watch out for, that you both mentioned: why would he try to get her to stretch her money when he could cover everything AND give her an "allowance?" But didn't offer that until she was ending it?!
M-F-er!!! What a creep.
Anyone who really cares should make sure you have enough money to GET AWAY FROM THEM, even if you simply want to break up.
He tried putting her over a barrel. That IS scary, especially when he changed his tune so fast when she Noped Out.
Caring couples CARE. This is a great example of ATTEMPTED (ha ha ha!) *MANIPULATION!*
As a former sugar baby I don’t like age gaps... old men are truly disgusting, lots of old men want to date young girls not women their own ages because they think they can get away with the bullshit they do dating someone younger... older women wouldn’t put up with those antics because they are too wise
💯
I would like to know more about your story :)
The disrespect is also heartbreaking
I agree with you completely. Older men look for naive, inexperienced women for a reason. It benefits them. I had it happened to me, and looking back, I am so angry that I wasted time on him.
Why were you a sugar baby? Act like a Ho and you’ll bring out the worst aspects of men. Duh.
Okay, but how did the people from the first story meet and become friends? Like I don't know any 19 year olds who just hang out with 40 year olds. I think how they met definetly influences wether or not it's creepy.
Now that I think about this.. I have a story so similar. I was 16-18 years old and friends with a 30+ year old. I worked at Perkins as a server and he was my work bestie 😂
My sister adopted me at 11, and after I turned 18, she became my best friend. And invited me to get togethers. At 20 I went to one together and met my now husband. I had a child from a previous relationship so he thought I was a lot older and until we really started talking and hanging out and found out each other’s ages. It never bother us or anyone we know. We all make jokes but at the end of the day we are amazing together.
I started a new job last year and most people are over 40 yo :D that happens quite often actually. Our newest employee is only 19, he's the youngest in our office :D when I was younger I met many older people in the orchestra I played trumpet in and in my karate classes too
Work. I know people who have over a 20 year age gap, and it works. They have 4 beautiful children now, And are very happy. Age is just a number at the end of the day.
However knowing a child for being a baby, mm yeah. That's fu.
You've only been doing this since Feb? This has been so great to keep checking out and listen to! Thanks for all of the great "Hot Takes"
Yes only a couple months 🙈 thank you for being here joining and supporting us 🎉❤️
Omg I felt like you have been professionally doing this for years! You are doing great 😳
@@123strangelife k
The only time an age gap is a red flag to me is when the older person knew the younger person before they were an adult. Then you have to wonder if grooming was involved.
Exaclty if the relationship starts as like 11-20 yeah no weird. Same for somthing like 17-24 since so many have gone for 17 year olds since they would almost be by law an adult
Right!!!
but also i don't think when someone turns 18 theyre not suddenly immune to grooming
18 year olds can be groomed...
Facts
I’m in a 12 year age gap and literally never think about it 👀 only time it sucks is when we make references to nostalgic music/tv cause he was literally 27 when I was 15 like that’s fucking weird lmao
Lol 😂 after this episode I’m like “if you met at an appropriate age, and it works/y’all are happy, then get ittt”
Ok but like ew he was graduating high school when you were in kindergarten
I only have a 4 year age gap and even then I can have that same nostalgia problem 😂
Omg my husband just got upset with me about saying the grade I was in when a song came out. He is only 5 years older.
😂 we have a 26 year age gap and hardly ever have cultural reference issues
In that second story it's almost like he trapped her by getting her pregnant, and only was okay with her telling them because he knew that if she was pregnant her family would have to be okay with it for the sake of her and her kid...fucked up shit, jesus...
Yep and the factc that he changed her diapers and now hes ggoing to be changing there childs diapers is digusting
I am so concerned for the girl who ended up pregnant with the guy who literally changed her diapers because he could have possibly groomed her as a child or even assaulted her and on top of that it’s possible that he could do the same to his own child! (There’s a case where the dad got his own daughter pregnant and ended up killing both of them along with the rest of his family)
my heart sank when i heard she was pregnant. he definitely assaulted her as a minor
I worry for her and the baby for sure, the parents are doing the right thing by keeping her close to them and if she insists he be there for now then i they are doing the right thing, but it’s important that they get her a therapist who can help her see the reality of her situation!!! ❤️❤️❤️
The third story reminds me of one of my boyfriends friends. When him and his girlfriend were looking to move in together, he had a higher salary while she worked a minimum wage job. His budget for rent/expenses was much higher than hers would be based on their incomes. They decided to combine the same proportion (for example 30% of their income) of their individual incomes meaning they are still both contributing and it is the same financial strain on each of their paycheques. When my boyfriend told me about this I thought that it was a great compromise!
I used to think that works, except 30% of $100 hurts much more than 30% of $300 000. The greater strain was on the smaller income.
cousin is definitely a homophobe. butch women are often considered “predatory” because they’re masculine gay women and especially so if the partner is fem. there is really nothing wrong with the age gap (from someone who is always suspicious of age gaps), the cousin is just looking for a more acceptable outlet to spew their hate of butch women, they’re definitely homophobic/lesbophobic.
i got into an argument on reddit cause a 30 year old was dating a 17 year old.. i don’t care about other peoples relationships but i believe age gaps should be with people 18 and older. i’ve been there and being in a relationship with someone older than you while you’re still a teenager can age you. even if the relationship was great, you grow up and look back with different eyes
I agree I was 14 and he was 18 and it really messes you up when you get older
Even 18 and 30 would be extremely predatory imo. If you’re in your late twenties or thirties you shouldn’t be dating teenagers period, like wtf do you have in common with someone who JUST graduated high school?
It gets messy and hard to call when it's a few years age gap with one over 18 and one below- I feel like if you could have met in highschool and the way you meet isn't creepy is the teller for the around 18 age
@@soupi2105 why not? Someone in their 30s or 40s is going to be economically better off, more settled in life, more experienced, probably more emotionally aware and perceptive, less aggressive, and is going to have more life experience in terms of how to treat a partner well. I'd say he is much more likely to treat an 18 year old partner well than soemone her age would.
@@nikhiljaikumar8611 if you can’t see why the things you listed would actually make it even fucking weirder you’re out of your mind. People in their 30’s and 40’s are in a position to easily manipulate and hold their power over someone who’s fresh out of highschool and often do in those relationships.
The context of an age gap relationship is everything. When did you meet? Are you financially independent? Is there a power imbalance?. My boyfriend is 15 years older but we met when I was 27. Both had good jobs and both were on our own.
With the 19 year age gap - I think my general feeling is that if your brain is still developing, massive age gaps like that are predatory, regardless of whether or not both parties are considered adults in the eyes of the law. I think the main thing is that it's incredibly suss that a 40 year old would become friends with a 19 year old... let alone all of the other red flags in her story. I genuinely feel sorry for her - it isn't fair that she's facing the criticism, it's her repulsive husband that deserves to be endlessly questioned about his ulterior motives. I would feel very differently if she was 30 and he was 49 when they met.
I know. I'm only 30, but when I see a 19 yr old, I see a child's face! Nothing but a legal pervert when a partner is that young.
Differently aged friendships are a good and healthy thing: I'd say that if all your friends are your same age, that alone is going to make you miss out on a lot of experience and wisdom. The idea that 19 year olds aren't full adults and should only hang out with other 18 year olds is a weird aspect of American culture and isn't particulalry healthy.
@@nikhiljaikumar8611 no one is saying that 19 year olds should only have friends that are also 18 and 19. I’m 30 and have friends that are younger that said when I see them I’m not interested in more than that . They are children and to them I am someone that can give advice and be there to listen like a friend should. As someone who dated someone that was 35 when I was 19 it was absolutely not okay and it makes me sad that both these young girls and the young woman in the story don’t see how predatory this man is. Of course people on the age gap Reddit page were supportive the predators want to validate that they aren’t predators and the younger people don’t realize it’s predatory because predators unfortunately know exactly what they are doing.
No doubt the man in the first story has said several time a “you’re so mature for your age.” He is JUST AS BAD as the rest of the older people in these stories.
I think a friendship is fine in the right context. I've had friends all over the age range, from 14 to 60 (I'm 20), and none of it has ever been predatory or creepy. The younger friends are people I met through fandoms, so we bond over those shared interests.
People always throw out how your brain has still developing until you’re in your twenties, but they never quantify how that applies in the real world. What decisions can a 28 year old make that a 22 year old can’t? If we’re going to run with this idea, no one in their twenties should be consuming alcohol because it inhibits their ability to make decisions further. Let’s just say the age of adulthood is 32. No drinking, sex, driving, loans etc. “The coddling of the American mind “. Great book
Furthermore, there’s nothing suss about a 40 year old male and a 20 year old woman. That’s pretty much been standard mating practice for most of human history. People didn’t start courting their peers until pretty much the 1700’s unless they were involved in an arranged marriage. At age 40 a man is typically at his prime or nearing his prime (45-52) from a socioeconomic perspective. Women select men based on the resources they have to provide stability for a family. A man in this age demographic most likely is a home owner, has had higher income for a decade, has life experience and can be a sufficient leader. A twenty year old woman is a peak youth, beauty and fertility. These are the traits men look for in women. Why would a man in his prime prefer a woman ten years past hers? At age thirty, 80 percent of your eggs have vanished. After 35, most women these days need to depend on technology to become pregnant. There are a few men that don’t seek reproductive value-they’re rare. For most, why would you pick a woman who’s biologically useless?
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a big fan of the high school sweetheart, but that poses significant dangers as well. The man may night get the chance to develop certain competencies prior to getting involved with a woman and that can pose many challenges in the future. Perhaps a ten year age gap is best for most people.
I'm in the middle of divorcing my ex. We met when I was about to turn 21 and he was 31, and we got married two years later. Now that I'm 30, I can't even imagine dating a college student... Even though we were in similar stages of life when we married, I've continued to grow and he did not.
Even if there isn't anything nefarious going on, large age gaps seem to put an expiration date on relationships.
(Hard same on the old soul -> probably just trauma lmaooo)
It’s so interesting how we mention two age gaps relationships that didn’t work too!
And yeah that trauma saying really hit different 🙈
That’s probably why he dates younger women, cuz he doesn’t grow up
@@tessahartman7870 Again it depends.
Is it the age? Or the fact that your literally described a man who’s been stagnant in maturation for decades?
Age gaps only gross me out if the oldest partner is old enough to be the parent to the other. It creeps me out when people my age (24) are dating/marrying people older than my parents age lol
No one on this podcast EVER sounds dumb! You all articulate very well and Alejandra in particular often has view points that make me stop and really think a moment about all sides of the issue. You guys are great!
Thank youuu. We were stressing for a minute 😂
Yes, I love Alejandra. She always comes with a different perspective, that I typically agree with. She is able to see things from all sides and that’s important, I think. It’s good that they can disagree sometimes, in a healthy way.
I also feel uncomfortable with age gaps, but mostly for the power imbalance. Because yes, if you're legal and you love somebody, go for it, but what does that say about a man who dates someone 10 or 20 years younger? Does it pay off having a girlfriend so young and inexperienced so that you could play a somewhat protector role to her? (I know is not always the case, but I think it has psychological bases). And also, looking for younger women to date it's pretty common, but then, can't you imply that not being able to date someone close your age means that you don't have the emotional maturity to be with a woman at the same level, stability, maturity, etc.?
This is my reason too. I made a rule for myself that if I date it is only men 5 years above and 2 years below my age because I don't want that imbalance.
My boyfriend is 10 years older than me. It is not because he cannot date women „at his level“. It is because I do not want to date men my age. I’m only 21 however, I am much more mature that those in my age. I have also a stable job, finished college, did a apprenticeship, done a graduate Programm, live alone and earn more than enough to have support a great life style.
What I am trying to say: it depends on both parties and their maturity. It is not as black and white as you made it seem.
@@melli1377 Of course. However, i have seen first hand the power imbalance and its hard for the woman to leave. And the man controls almost everything.
@@LemoniestLemony You cannot apply your social experiences you have made in your Social Environment as it is a bubble to generalize all relationships with an age gap.
Of course you can set yourself age limits as you have previously stated, as it is you life.
When I was 19 my best friend dated a 40 year old and the manipulation and gaslighting I witnesses was enough to turn me off of large age gaps forever.
I think if both people are in the same life stage (settled down, done with school, steady job etc) than an age gap is ok, but if you're barely an adult its weird.
Someone once told me to think of prenups as romantic. It's saying "I love you so much that, even things turn sour, I want you to still have what's yours and not fight over it"
Congrats on all the success Morgan. Discovered the podcast on tiktok & I absolutely can’t get enough, you guys are great!
Thank you so much ❤️ so sweet of you. I’m so happy you’re loving it!!
My parents are divorced and they both married someone way younger than them, the difference? My mom married someone 11 years younger than her but when they met they met as business partners and my step dad was already completely independent and was in his late 20s, he was already a a full person and not susceptible to manipulation. My dad on the other hand (who is a little older than my mom) met his now wife and mother of a year old child, as a house tenant, he rented a room to her in his Arizona house (he lived and lives in San Francisco) she was 17! She dropped out of school (which isn’t even that bad but it was worrying at the time) Istg I’m more mature than her and I’m 15, not only that both my older siblings are older than her.
I'm confused about the timeline? You say you're 15 and have older siblings, which would dictate your parents are *at least* in their mid to late 30s, but you said your step dad is 11 years older than your mom... but he's in his late 20s... which would make your mom a teenager... but you're a teenager... so I'm confused. Did the divorce happen when you were way younger than you are now? That's the only way it would make sense
@@sweetie_babie oh shit AJJAJAJAJJAJA i wrote it wrong
My mom married someone younger
@@sad-womeninthehouse4249 oh okay lol
Honestly I doubt they were only together for 3 years, they probably only admitted to three years because it would incriminate him.
I'm freaked out that he changed her diapers & watched her learn to walk. How can he even think of her like that? I don't know if I could be civil😬🤯 groomer or not it's Hella weird
oh def groomer...that's like a daughter or a little sister. and groomers often befriend the family first/have trauma of their own..
You're the same people who claim parenting can't turn a gay kid straight or visa versa. It's super weird, but you can't just program someone to be sexually interested in you.
about the prenup things, it isn't just about protecting your stuff from your spouse its also about protecting it from the government. if your spouse dies the government can claim likes taxes and shit but if you have a prenup it protects your money from that
It can also protect any future children you have.
they can also protect the inheritance of current children they have from a pervious marriage
Giving me very much Jacob and Renesmee from Twilight...with that second story 😭😭😭
This is what I was gonna say! LOL
🤣🤣🤣
Worse bc Renesmee grew years in months so she was barely a baby and had the intellect of someone older (not that this concept wasn’t gross, but in fantasy we cannot take it literally, bc if we think about it, Edward groomed Bella. She was 17 and he was an old man who lived many full lives).
Lauren you do not sound dumb. I always emotionally approach these podcasts as friends hanging out and talking in a safe space. It’s not an audition for who’s the biggest thinker or a platform where you need to feel uncomfortable speaking your unfiltered thoughts. I love hearing you guys talk and think you bring very wise counsel regardless of the occasional mispronunciation (or different pronunciation bc of you’re background) lol. Ultimately, you guys prove to be empathetic people with very thoughtful opinions, so don’t feel like you have to prove your smarts to a reviewer who might not know the first thing about how difficult it is to be an entertainer. Love you guys and this podcast!!!! ❤️
As someone who was groomed as a teenager, it’s so hard to identify when you’re in it. I worry so much about the girl dating the guy 15 years older that helped raise her. So nasty.
Update to add that it does cause a lot of trauma, I don’t trust my own judgement because of that. We met when I was prepubescent and he was in high school, he didn’t live with us but he may as well have, he was such a big part of our family. He called my parents mom and dad, called me and my younger sibling his little sisters (I was not out as non-binary yet). Once I turned 15 he started pursuing me romantically, as an adult. By the time I was 17 we were engaged, I realized the abuse and broke up with him around my 19th birthday. This trauma led to me marrying another abuser when I was 20.
My best friend was 24 when she met het husband and he was 46 at the time. When i heard this i thought it was weird, i tjought he was weird for wanting to date someone 20 years his junior. But when i met him thst weird feeling and prejudice faded within 5 minutes. It became obvious right away that those two were made for each other. They have been married for 2 years after dating for 5 years and they are the happiest couple i've ever met, i hope that someday i'll have someone like that in my live as well 😁
I'm so glad you said that turning 18 is only one day older because I've been saying for years that you're not an automatically different person at 18 from when you were 17 and I've gotten so much hate for it. People (especially people who are either creeps themselves or know creeps) want to justify grown adults dating 18 year olds so much and it's disgusting. They are still a teen! A child! They might not have even graduated high school! I hate that it's controversal, people need to realize "legal" does not equal "healthy".
Edit: I'm disappointed you could say this then say you didn't have a problem with the 16-year age gap. What does a 34 year old have in common with an 18 year old? Just because you feel bad for op's situation with the family doesn't mean you should ignore what really happened.
Hi! Don’t mind my late reply it just seemed like a good opportunity for discussion as I just watched the episode and saw your comment.
I think the difference between the earlier story and the last story is this man was changing his now fiancé’s and mother of his child’s diapers and still somehow created a sexual attraction to her whilst also going behind this family’s back that essentially adopted him. Idk, her being pregnant felt very much like he purposely trapped her and took advantage of the family’s generosity after they gave him money to be successful and in turn start screwing their daughter behind their back. I think it’s also fair to say I would be uncomfortable with the situation no matter the ages. If you change someone’s diaper, there’s no logical reason to build a sexual and romantic attraction unless there’s something mentally wrong.
The last couple, however, met while they were both working on themselves. Had a (I’m assuming) platonic relationship for a year growing and getting to know each other before deciding to start dating. Even after dating they were together in what seems like a very healthy relationship for 8 years building a relationship with his son and still finishing school and showing independence. They met each other under very normal circumstances and allowed a lot of time for the relationship to grow in a healthy way and at a very slow and steady pace.
Idk the circumstances and context make a huge difference for me and I love these girls. Selfishly I’m hoping I can make you not disappointed in their responses, but I understand where you’re coming from too!
18 isn't a "child." They're not an itty-bitty baby.
1) 18 year old's aren't "children", that's insane. 2) Relationships aren't supposed to be about "what you have in common", they're supposed to be about what you can give to, and provide for, one another. Maybe the 18 year old is looking for a kind of quasi-parental figure to provide for her, nurture her, guide and mentor her, and the 34 year old wants someone that he can care for, nurture, and help her develop into her best self? 3) Why wouldn't it be healthy? Most crime and antisocial behaviour is committed by young men, not older men- I would guess that the typical 34 year old (or for that matter 54 year old) is way more likely to treat an 18 year old well than another 18 y/o would.
@@nikhiljaikumar8611 Actress Evan Rachel Wood was 18 when she began seeing shock rocker Marilyn Manson, who was 37 then. Now she's claiming he "groomed" her for a music video, drugged her up, and raped her on camera.
@@lisalegato0109 marilyn is terrible person, no doubt about that.
I have always been uncomfortable with big age gaps. I had a VERY innocent, very young cherub looking friend who had just turned 18 and hadn't even held a boy's hand yet. We shared a room at this place we did this gap year at where there was tons of people from all over the world all who were a bit older and more 'wordly'. She constantly had attention from the guys and was pursued by four main ones. Their ages were 24, 28, 36 and 30. I was a few years older and very protective as she was a month younger than my little sister. Anyway, I wouldn't hide how creepy I thought all these guys were but I was made to be the evil, judgemental friend who was dropped. She rejected all these guys except the last one who was 30 and the other guys did NOT react well. One broke her laptop as revenge...
I am an engineer and good at math, but will still get out a calculator because my head sometimes just says "no math today".
I recently moved to a new city so I don't have many friends, and when you add a pandemic I don't really have an opportunity to even try making new friends. I love watching you guys cause it feels like i'm just hanging out with some girlfriends. Thanks for being so warm and inviting! I love all the topics you guys discuss!
I feel bad for the girl in the first story but I still don’t agree with the age gap in that situation. It is INCREDIBLY weird to me that someone at 38 would be dating someone that is still a TEENAGER (literally double her age) and cannot legally even drink yet. If she were even 27 and he 46 I would think of it differently. She was still a teenager and it’s still weird.
Whether you feel weird about their relationship is neither here nor there. The issue is people feeling uncomfortable about a situation they are not in does not justify abuse and discrimination. No other relationship would make people feel so justified in being openly disrespectful.
@@elisecox8785 it’s often legitimately damaging to the younger person, even if they don’t realize the extent of it until they’re older. Perpetuating this as no biggie is a disservice to those lacking the life experience to view the situation clearly.
@@mads597 I’m in an 18 year relationship age gap. Are you saying that I am being traumatized because the girl I asked out is older than me?
@@mads597 The Age-IPV Curve: Changes in Intimate Partner Violence Perpetration during Adolescence and Young Adulthood
"To present results parsimoniously, we group age into four categories covering four years each. For male youth, IPV perpetration increased from 13% at 13-16 years to 19% at 17-20 years. This is followed by subsequent decreases at 21-24 years (15%) and 25-28 years (10%). [...] The age pattern for general antisocial behavior displayed a curvilinear pattern similar to the one for IPV perpetration among adolescent boys and young men increasing slightly from 30% at 13-16 years to 33% at 17-20 years followed by decreases at 21-24 years (25%) and 25-28 years (18%)."
But tell me again how its the creepy old men we have to worry about.
@womenbythedashboardlight6959 Did your partner change your diapers? I mean, its pretty obvious that in the first story they started doing something when she was barely legal.
Look, personally I think age gap relationships can work pretty well (if that's what you want, go ahead!:)) but you can't deny the problems that comes with it, and sometimes it involves grooming and even more manipulation
That fifth story is something I've seen a few times. Age gaps in homosexual relationships, I think, are a bit more common and a bit more equal. The younger usually gains from the experience and support. And the older is usually healed by the acceptance and empathy. It's pretty common to have the older as someone who was closeted who struggled with acceptance and identity, which is tough for everyone but even more so for LGBT+ youth. I've actually been wondering about this dynamic a lot lately because as cultures become more accepting I wonder if the number of age gap relationships will decline.
This is so interesting to think about... I have a few gay family members and one has a significant age gap and your point really fits with her case.!
i would be interested to find out if they came out at a similar time. not a similar age, but like both came out 5 years ago or something. i think for queer people, since a lot of maturing and experience can happen after you come out, it would lessen the impact of an age gap. i could be totally off but i would be interested to find out
@@leo9597 from what I remember in the 2 relationships I'm more familiar with the olders were both out before they met the younger ones. One of them, "Bill", was out for 10 years. In the second one, "Steve", was out for 1 year.
Edit: it was 10 and 1 year with respect to their partner. At this point all 4 have been out a minimum of 12 years.
gay/lesbian age gap relationships also seem to generally have less power imbalance issues too (obv not always the case but...) and at least part of the reason due to being the same gender and no trad gender roles applying
L
I have 2 different takes on this subject. My first husband who I was married to for 15 years, was 30 years older than me. I was 20 when we met. He is the absolute best dad ever. But we had literally nothing in common AT ALL. Eventually the differences put a strain on the marriage, and we divorced.
Now onto my current marriage. He is 8 years younger than I am. And we have a lot in common. Gaming. Looking for new adventures. The love for our cats. Our humour is the same. How we play fight/can be young with each other. I have never been so in love. No idea how to end this, so yeah. :)
I think it’s great that you are discussing grooming and explaining it. I think this kind of open dialogue could help to prevent this happening to so many other young people
My parents are wild, romantic drama protagonists that are 17 years apart.
They were penpals on a Christian relationship site for some months, just talking about their day, etc. (they aren’t big on heavy topics, more on simply being part of each other’s lives) before deciding to meet, so my dad got on a plane and flew from the Oregon to Jakarta, Indonesia. Instant physical connection, evidently. Mom told me after a few dates, they conceived me, professed their love for each other (???), decided to get married, and have been for 18 years. So many plot-holes, so much residual drama for taking it fast and raising me with two generations’ old outlooks, but they made it work (their relationship with each other, not necessarily me).
I don’t really understand how they work because they hardly speak to each other, which has caused many, many issues, and never go out, but I can tell they’re still in love. They say the rosary together every night, eat dinner together, make each other laugh, massage each other’s achy joints, and attempt to parent me.
To sum it up, they’re going to be buried with one another, but they’ll die fighting over where.
Age gap and an asian wife for a westerner. Double creepiness. It's always the religious ones
19:05 Those texts went from dry af to wtf 😂
My parents have a 22 year age gap and are still married for more than 25 years. They met when she was mid 20's. Both had previous relationships that didn't work out. Sometimes you can't choose who you fall in love with.
Is it hard for you? Just curious.
@@alexandrafinnegan8343 I got alot of teasing for it as a child, but I learnt to live with it. Some people didn't understand and make weird remarks, which I ignored over the years. Now society has changed their thinking or somewhat. My parents are still going strong.
Lauren’s reaction at 16:41 is exactly how I felt when Morgan said that comment. I’m at work and audibly went “oh no”
Hey Morgan and Lauren! I just started listening to the show recently (on Spotify) after seeing TikTok clips. Decided I should start from the beginning and work my way to new episodes. Thanks for awesome content and discussions. These episodes make the work day breeze by.
“Absolute fucking barf” lmao that killed me! I am going to use this now! I love this podcast!
Currently finishing my bachelor of science. I'll be 40 when I graduate. The young lady with the older boyfriend who expects her to spend $2500 a month at 22, no career yet? No Sir! She should run.😊
My fiance and I are getting married in 14 days, we have a 16 year age gap. (He is older) We meet as adults, developed the relationship as adults, and make joint decisions as equals. He is the kindest most loving person I have ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship with, and the past 2 years have been amazing together (Even with the world issues) I have had to defend the relationship over and over again. "he is the same age as your uncle, how are you okay with that?" It's exhausting.
I really appreciate that you grew in this podcast. From being fairly against age gaps to seeing when/when they are not appropriate.
Sounds like you have an amazing relationship! So lucky to have each other. Congrats and have so much fun at your wedding/ceremony!!
And yes I think there’s so many factors but I’m on board as long and the dynamics are good 😊
The first one grosses me out. I don't like that his family is trying to demonize her when obviously the one in the wrong here is him. It doesn't matter if she was legally an adult when they met, she was 19 and that is still really young and can be easily influenced. I think people need to stop thinking that once someone is 18 they can't be groomed. 20 is such a young age and I do think she's a victim whether she notices it or not. Why is he going after 19 year olds?
Righttt!?! I can't fathom what they can have in common. Yes, i can understand that they might enjoy same things, but like they have sooooo big differences in their experiences. He has worked for about 20years and she graduated from highschool a few years prior, and she probably is in university/college. He probably has a lot of money and she doesn't. It feels like there is some sort of power imbalance in their relationship. Even if they love each other deeply, they still aren't on the same level IMO💁 i dont mind age gaps when both of them are on the same level but this relationship feels a litttle iffy for me. Like, why is he so attracted to such a young person? It's normal for young people to like older people but the other way around...yikesss😬😅 i feel like the family is also in the wrong for harassing her for the relationship
the fact that its a 19 year age gap and they started dating when she was 19 is so--just--bleh to me. like the age gap is equal to her age at the beginning of the relationship. that's a year out of college--the fact that his family is blaming her is insane to me
People need to stop thinking you can't be "groomed" by someone your own age. Every abuse, manipulative relationship I've ever witnessed or been part of his been between people of similar age ranges. Every. Single. One. The only two older women I was ever involved with were as dumb as rocks and could run intellectual circles around them, and the only manipulating was done by me.
Being older than someone only marginally increases your ability to manipulate them. On the other hands, your chances of actually being abuse are drastically higher if you're younger. Research shows men 17 - 20 are twice as likely to hit their partners as those 25 - 28.
Anyone else think this is the best pod cast ever!? Thank you so much for taking time to edit and make this. Morgan I'm honestly wishing you the best with your debt and that this podcast gets all the love it truly desires. I love taking an hour out of my day listening to stories and hearing your opinion on it. Best of luck! Will definitely be here tuning in🥰🤗
As someone who used to judge age gaps HARD and then fell in love at 31 with a 55 year old I can tell you I was humbled humbled. I remember the day I made the decision to take a leap of faith and date him (we had been friends for a while at that point and there was no denying the chemistry between us.) I remember saying to myself “girl, are you gonna wait for this imaginary man who ticks all the superficial boxes or are you going to see where this goes because you know there’s something special here” 7 years on and I can confidently tell you that my husband is the most caring attentive hilarious and capable husband and father and he lives and breathes for his family. Yes of course him being older means we really had to sit down and discuss if we should have a family or not and we discuss the future with a lot more forethought than younger couples would but I wouldn’t trade him for anything. All this to say that nothing is that black and white and with matters such as age gap there is great nuance in the shade and shape of a relationship that needs to be considered.
For the 500k guy, I have always believed that bills should be split based on how much of the household income you make. You make 80% of the combine household income, you pay 80% of the bills. My mother went into debt when she had me bc she had to go to part time at work and still pay half the bills, even though my father could have easily covered more of the bills.
Story 2: if the parents give up now they will loose their chance to send this to trial.
They should pull her phone records. If they were texting before she was 18 they need to file charges right now or else they will be too late.
Hey! So the age gap story about the daughter being pregnant by a family friend that was raised by her family-This has an update!!!! I listened to this for the first time this morning and randomly stumbled upon an update just now that the OP posted 6hrs ago. Seems like she’s doing well. Just wanted to let you know in case you hadn’t seen it yet. Thank you for this podcast, I love it. Keep up the great work.
What was the update though!!
do u happen to know what was the update
Me and my bf have a 20 year age gap. I’m 36 and he’s 56. We just celebrated our 7 year anniversary. Honestly, the best/happiest/healthiest relationship I have ever been with ❤️
“let’s shower” whenever someone says that… you have to know 😂
there's a couple here on TH-cam that I'm subscribed to, and thy have a significant age gap. but they have such comforting and wholesome content and you can tell they both truly love each other. their relationship definitely made me think about age gaps differently.
The older you get the less an age gap matters. A 50 year old with a 62 year old is so inert but a 12 year old with a 24 year old…dangerous.
This was the first episode I watched, I have been in full attention mode the whole time. Loved it!
Yay!! So happy you liked it 🙌🏼🎉
he wants HER to move across the country and pay $2500 a month?? when she’s applying to graduate school?.?.!.?.!.!. bye
I’m ten years older and I had a very frank convo with my partner once we realised we were both attracted to each other. It’s largely been about making sure she has support networks not based on me. That she knows she can talk to her family and confidants about anything to do with me. And making sure equally that her family all know they are welcome in our lives. We have now been together for 3 years, and I can confidently say we are both in it for the long haul.
At the end of the day, anything negatively assumed about me was just people worrying and caring for the person I love, so it’s on me to prove them right or wrong. The consequences of me being a bad guy are too dangerous ya know? 🤷♂️
Exactly! Honestly, if a woman’s father is involved, there really shouldn’t be a problem. A lot of age gap relationships fail because the woman is typically without guidance and doesn’t know what she’s doing at all.
Update? Y’all still together? 👀
@@seaurchin4451still together ❤ celebrated 4 years in August
I’ve binged all your podcasts and now I keep up 🤣 they’re so funny and relatable and I always find myself agreeing with you guys!
My ex-stepmom’s relative babysat us (starting at 4) and was a part of our lives. When I turned 18 he told me “I always knew you would be an independent woman like this.” Then proceeded to try to pay me to date him.
I genuinely don't understand how this show isn't more popular 🧐
re: prenups, I've just come around on them recently, myself. I am all for prenups because it allows you to take legal control over the agreement of your marriage. Marriage is, legally, a contract that pretty much nobody fully understands. I don't want to take just the default terms, I want to be clear on what I'm promising, what I'm agreeing to, and how we can prevent the government or debt collection or whatever from going after the others' assets so that it can support the relationship rather than sink the family. Heard a story about a woman who had properties before marriage. They included in a prenup that her assets were her own. When her husband became extremely ill, hospital fees put him into massive debt but couldn't seize her property.
Eagerly await each episode. I live for you and all your cohosts 😄
"Skipping a couple steps don't you think" 😆 Hell yeah, Lauren!
I guess I just feel bad about age gap relationships in general. Everyone says you should just ignore ppl who think ill of your relationship, but then you have just about everyone constantly thinking the absolute worst about you …. whether that’s you being a gold digger, or having daddy issues or being a predator. It sucks all the way around. And for ppl to tell you “oh don’t worry about it” or “don’t pay attention” must be easier said than done
My fiancé and I met when I was 21 and he was 38, he was successful in his career and I was flat broke trying to get back into college. He’s been my biggest support and always talks about ‘building independent Zola’. He helped sustain me while I found therapy and got my feet back under me. I’ve always been more mature for my age and he and I connect on many levels despite the gap. The gap makes it fun tho when I show him more gen Z shows, movies, music, and the latest lingo. He shows me classics he grew up with. We balance each other well and my therapist, tho skeptical at first, now believes a lot of my success in my mental health journey is in no small part due to the loving and supportive relationship I have. Not all age gaps, even large ones, are bad..
Disclaimer- I know what grooming is and I think it’s awful. That’s not what happened in my case but I know it’s common. Also at the beginning of our relationship I was constantly checking in with myself to be sure I was falling in love with the person and not falling into an imbalanced relationship playing on any daddy issues I could have.
Two friends of mine have a significant age gap between them actually so this topic intrigued me. One is 40 and the other is 25. Normally, this would greatly gross me out and concern me (I'm 28 and only ever dated 3yrs above as an adult). But they had both come out last year after being in straight marriages and are both quite mature women that can take care of themselves (full time jobs, finances are great, etc it's equal). I knew them both before they got together and saw it all blossom within deep chats in our group chat. It's honestly beautiful seeing them together so I don't think about it until someone mentions ages. The older one is usually the most concerned about what people think, despite it being the younger one who did the "chasing".
The age gap debate is a tricky one. But I like what Morgan & Lauren had said about being in similar head spaces and chapters of your lives, that no one is being taken advantage of.
I also had a friend who was in a long term relationship, starting when she was 14 and he was 24... though it was brutally abusive and no adults (teachers, parents, police, no one) stepped in to help her because when she hit 16, at that point it was considered consenting (16 is the legal age to have s*x which is wild to me in Australia) so people were quite until she hit that age and that was the excuse. Even though people knew about it when she was 14... She's 27 now and is still suffering from the trauma...
So two different age gaps, two different scenarios... hard to be black and white on the topic.
2nd story: I'm also a mother as a product of being groomed. I was 17 when the "relationship" started and he was my 37 year old boss. I for pregnant 3 months after my 18th birthday. My daughter is now 4 and he has 0 rights to her. I hate that one day ill have to explain to her that her biological dad was a creep.
How was he a creep? 16 is the age of consent in most states, and most parts of the world. You were 17 and you made a decision. Deal with it. Stop blaming others for the regret you have. You could have said no, gotten an abortion, or just used protection.
You made a bad decision and blame your age. If you were 18, there's a 99% chance you would have done the same thing. People get manipulated into bad decisions by people close to their age all the time, they just don't blame the age gap when it happens.
Age gaps are a power imbalance. Inherently. I’m not saying bully people for their relationships, but just because people are in similar phases of their life doesn’t mean that a huge age gap doesn’t create a power imbalance.
I wouldn’t quite agree with that. Definitely understand what you’re saying, but I’ve almost always had 6+ years between my partners and I, and it’s just not something that is ever brought up. I’m my own financially independent person, and so are they. The age doesn’t play into our relationship at all, because we don’t even realize it’s there.
@@BrookeAlona you can ignore the difference in life experience that comes with age, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there.
@@triniquigley7094 I don’t really think I ignore it? I mean there’s always a possibility that I’m doing something and I don’t realize it, though I don’t think that’s the case. I’ve dated people my age and it’s always ended in a toxic way and I always end up supporting them in every way, so I date a bit older because we feel like equals. Not saying this is always the case, because it definitely isn’t, I’m just sharing my experience 🤷🏻♀️
it’s also a lot differently for younger girls dating older boys because girls mature more quickly than boys and are at a similar mental state despite a 3-4 year age gap
@@lizzysmith8513 this isn’t necessarily true. Women are forced to grow up faster but I don’t think we’re actually more mature, just traumatized and playing the part we’re given
I’ve literally binge watched this pod like a Netflix show. I LOVE it…been suggesting it to everyone lol. It’s so nice to see someone in the same stage of life on a podcast and discussing things…. Can’t wait to see more eps! So sad I’m already all the way through them.
a prenup not only protects the things you owned, but it also protects you from s a potential sew or demand, for example; if your husband or wife dies and it has a debt in some bank, it protects you from that.
I love this episode, most of the things that were told in this episode, I see it in class (I'm a psychology student) and this is so accurate, most of the time the age gap is used to have control over the other person life, and what satisfaction this person can do to you, but when that is over this person has no obligation to keep the relationship in order to feel satisfied, so... the other one gets absolute nothing and feel abandoned and mostly used. The age gap is a really difficult topic and I loved the way you talk about it.
Me and my partner met when I was 21, close to 22 and he was 28. We get along so great, he understands me so much better than any man my own age.
I've always been someone whose more mature than those my age, so when I met him, we click on so many different levels. He's the most wonderful man in the world and treats me like a queen xx
That's not a big age gap
My boyfriend and I have a 12 year age gap. I’m 25 and he’s 37, and I don’t even see our age gap anymore. We get along very well, we share the same morals and I love his outlook on life. There are things that we don’t get to share such as music and pop culture/movie references but we share things with each other that benefit the both of us. I wouldn’t have it any other way 🥰
My partner and I were 21 and 36 when we started dating. Love each other dearly. Its been over 12 years and we share a beautiful daughter and son on the way. ❤ I asked him on our first date and don’t regret 1 thing
My college roommate graduated high school with a girl that was a underaged nanny for a family and they would take her on trips with them, when she turned 18 the dad started having an affair with her and then left the wife. And the nanny now has the children call her mom… Always thought it was so weird and judged her, but the dad absolutely must have been grooming her when she was the nanny. I wonder if they’re still together…
“I’m not dumb!” sent me 🤣🤣🤣
i currently am thinking a lot about this topic and went back to this episode.
i always dated older than me from a young age. my gaps were 14&17, 20&30, 22&35.
Even briefly dating someone 40 when i was 18.
Now at 26 my partner is 34.
With time those gaps definetly are less significant and noticeable than before,
but i just also never could imagine having a relationship with someone 18-22 now, just because there's still so many life changes until someone is fully secure in their adulthood.
25+ i see this a bit more relaxed.
You have grown up and can finally see things for what they truly were. At 26 you can't imagine being with someone 18-22 so imagine how you'll feel about it at 30, 35 and 40...
Being 26 with a 34 year old partner is completely fine. But your other relationships were not fine and they took advantage of your immaturity and lack of life experience.
“ Rumor Has It “ is a movie response to “The Graduate” which is where the reference Mrs.Robinson comes from
That’s what I thought lmao I was like uh that is not where Mrs. Robinson came from
Yes! Speaking of ages gaps I felt very old knowing that. But also it’s depressing that “rumour has it”, which I haven’t seen. But assume is not iconic, is better known than the iconic ‘the graduate’, but I hasten to say this isn’t criticism. I laughed at that part.
love love love lauren, she seems like such a down to earth and kind friend:} her commentary is A+
I hope this gig pays off too! I love this -- can't get enough.
Lauren is absolutely my favorite person you have on your podcast. In fact since I only started watching a few months ago and am going back to watch older videos I will a lot of the time look for ones with her. Y’all are not dumb, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Lauren is such a beautiful person inside and out. I love how real she is, how real y’all are. That is one of the reasons I love this podcast so much. 54:49
Why does a grown up, 40 year old man, need to date a teen? That's the actual question. Even if she's "mature" and has gone through a lot. He has some issues
True. A grown adult going for a teen is predatory. Age gaps are fine if the younger one is over 20. I am 36 and my girlfriend is 22 and we have a very healthy relationship
@@lostecho5318 So at 18 a 65 year old man can send you to war, and you can choose him as leader of the free world, but you can't go to bed with him?
Just stop. All this nonsense about being predatory is just our excuse to vilify people for being gross and creepy. Parents can't even control their 15 year old daughters. No way you can have Jedi mind control powers over someone just because they're a teenager and you're 30.
My SO is 13 years apart. I couldn't imagine dating someone who can't go to a bar.20-22 is a BIG jump in maturity too.
Something people forget when it comes to age gaps, your age may not matter for the first half of your relationship but once you get old it does matter.
You can be thriving in your 50s but then be burdened down taking care of your elder spouse. For some that is a burden worth having to be with someone you love, but not everyone can handle that.
This a point that I believe people tend to forget. I recently had a conversation with a man who is 55 and his fiance is 22. This man has pretty much lived already and the woman is just starting life. By the time that she is 42 (if they even make it to 20 years of marriage) her husband will be 75. Thats an elderly retired person while she is still relatively young and lively and most likely still working. It can quickly become a burden also if she has to start taking care of him because his health is is going down hill because of age. And never mind if children are involved?
@@msgirly6827 exactly.
If they wants kids but don't have them right away, she is then taking care of children/teens and an elderly man. And once she retires she probably couldn't even travel or do any of the things one wants to do when they retire.
Personally it's not something I would take on, I already worry about my parents getting older.
I’ve been watching for maybe 1-2 months and your updates are the highlight of my week! I love hearing your opinions on all the different scenarios and I often find myself nodding and commenting along like an idiot. Keep up the amazing work! I adore everyone at Two Hot Takes!
Ugh youre making my day! Thank you so much for the love!!
We adore you 🥰
Story 3: it’s my personal opinion that if you love and respect your partner and they don’t make as much money, you support them by paying and making money not an issue. My husband was basically bankrupt years ago and hated his job. I told him to quit and find his happiness and covered the bills. I supported his dreams. Now we are both very successful and happy beyond what we could have imagine at that time.
He’s 8 years older than myself.
Love you girls so happy I found you through tiktok! This is definitely my favorite podcast to listen while working 😊
my parents have a 18 yr age gap and i for so long i still dont feel like its that weird unless i do the whole "when he was this age, she was this" but they work together as a couple very well and have been together 25 yrs. I think so much of it is when people meet, maturity, and where they are in life. I don't think anyone under like 25 should be considering a 10+ age gap because you are probably in such drastically different stages of life. My sister also dated someone in their late 20s when she was early 20s and although it wasn't that big of a gap, he couldn't deal with her being more successful in her career than him (they worked in the same industry).
As a student of psychology/neurology, I wanna give my two-cents on each story.
To start for all of them, I think how big the age gap is matters less than the stages of development each person is in. From a scientific perspective, major brain development starts as a child and continues on into late adulthood. *Most* major brain development in the decision-making part of the brain is done by the age of 18, but not all of it is done until about the age of 23-25 depending and major brain development in general is done at around 30. This matters a lot and it's why a relationship between a 10 and 30 year old shouldn't be weighed the same as a relationship between a 30 and 50 year old.
In my eyes, if you're gonna be in a relationship with an age gap you should hold off until you're both in a more equal stage of development, and don't let the older know that's what you're doing to prevent grooming. 30+ is obviously where stuff isn't so problematic anymore but I'd say 23-25+ is the bare minimum since that's the stage you can at least grasp the choice you're making.
Based on that, this is my two-cents on the situations:
Story 1 - 19-Year Age Gap: Absolutely unacceptable power imbalance Where in god's name was a 19-year-old meeting men twice her age. I hate that this was posted on r/AgeGaps because that comment section is an echo chamber. That family is %100 right to call him out, though I wish the MIL had been nicer to the girl since she's clearly been groomed.
Story 2 - Distressed Father: Bad right from the start and only got worse with every word. He raised her as a *baby*. Grooming was 100% involved here. I feel so bad for the position this dad is in and he's right that cutting his daughter off might make her more susceptible for this grooming. I have no idea what I'd do, but I'd wanna skin that man.
Story 3- Splitting rent: Not only is this power imbalance obviously problematic but the update on the post just proves that even further. The boyfriend not only didn't consider what she could afford before choosing a place to live but he said "You're family can pay this" not "You can pay this". The fact he switched up and offered an allowance made the subtle problems overt. He never saw her as an autonomous adult, he saw her as a sugar baby he wasn't formally paying yet and therefore did not have her best interest at heart.
Story 4 - AITA for Icing My Cousin: This is not a problematic power difference. She was 25 when they met and they've been together for a few years. She's almost 30 and there hasn't been many bumps in the road, not to mention the older partner was conscientious of the age gap to begin with. The cousin also clearly has no regard for boundaries and this just seems like another step in that direction. The fact it's a wlw relationship doesn't really matter, but the fact the cousin brought up the butch/femme dynamic also shows they have no idea what butch/femme dynamic is and just sees it as a "diet heterosexual" dynamic. All around, OP is not the asshole.
Story 5 - Married and Unacknowledged: This one is pretty gross. 19 and 35 are totally unacceptable ages to be dating like that. They may have met in a similar class, but one of them is just getting into collage while the other is going for a PhD, it's not the same. Weather the couple is same-sex or not doesn't really have a baring on morality, but it is notable that this is Europe and he mentions his partner helping him "step into" his sexuality. This is an echo of pederasty and is a bit of a problem amongst queer youth all over the world, but especially in Europe (think the movie "Call Me by Your Name"), making them more susceptible to grooming. The fact they decided to separate themselves from the family rather than getting cut off is a sign this could be abusive (his partner may be separating him from any nay-sayers, especially ones who've supported him through abusive situations before) and I hope he starts to realize this isn't healthy. Yes he's 26, but he's been with this man the whole time and grooming is a powerful influence.
Story 6 - AskReddit Comment: Okay so I don't think this situation is okay by any means. Not only is this boy 20 but he never even learned how old this mother was. I don't know if it's necessarily as bad at the other situations (like the first story) only because it's not a long-term relationship that could have manipulation and grooming involved and the two clearly just wanted to have sex, but the gap is still at least questionable considering what stage he was in. It's one of those situations where I'd say to him "It's fine if you're okay with that situation because it didn't go badly, but I'd advise you not do that again". What's important is that he doesn't seem traumatized or hurt from it.
I'm open to other opinions if you disagree, but my stances are primarily based in scientific research and psychological dynamic so I don't think I'll be too easily swayed unless the counterpoint is more about acknowledgement of nuance or involves some other kinds of research I haven't seen yet (the latter I'm very open to, people with good psychological research please interact!).
Edit: Spelling/Formatting
Did not find the first story worrying at all. You do not know the maturity level of this person, so for you as a psychology Student to make baseless assumptions without knowing the parties involved is wowing in a bad way.
@@melli1377 but isn't is weird that a 19 and 39 year old have the same maturity level??? they SHOULDN'T be at the same level or place in life at those ages, she is still a child, a teen, and he should be a fully grown man who isn't looking at teenagers as potential romantic partners
Agreed with all of your assesment on the different presented cases.
@@melli1377 First of all, I actually do know a thing or two about normal maturity level considering I explained how that works in the first paragraph. Her decision making brain is not done developing at that stage and all his major brain development is.
Second, if either of these parties involved have an unusual maturity level, either she would know this is weird and not have done it or this man in his 40s is stuck in the mentality of a teenager which is MUCH more concerning and he needs Psychological help before settling down to marry anyone.
@@Muton230 Exactly this. Someone being more or less mature just based off a vibe is not how it works. Either this is concerning for the obvious reasons or it's concerning because one or both of these parties has some sort of mental illness/brain damage.
I always say "It's not about the age gap, it's about the stage gap" meaning stage of life.
I'm late to the party, but I'd also like to add that, in the first story, the fact that her parents passed away may be a reason why she gets along better with an older man. Speaking as someone who's had older, terminally ill parents my whole life and has watched both of my remaining grandparents and my mom pass away by the age of twenty-two, it ages you mentally. I have plenty of friends my age, but the vast majority of them seem really immature and short sighted to me... I just have a very different perspective on life after experiencing so much death, so I could completely imagine feeling more comfortable with someone who is older and has had similar experiences. Not to mention it typically causes you to be much more self-sufficient and self-assured from a much younger age...
My best friends parents ( who kinda helped raise me) were around 20 years apart. They got together when the mother was about 18 and he was in his mid 30s. He supported her doing anything she wanted, encouraged her to go to school, do a job she liked etc. They were a loving and caring couple Who were together for 34 years when he died from cancer. She never regretted being with him and he was not and authoritative kind of guy but cared and wanted her to do what was best for her.
I'm in a 9/10 year age gap I have a late birthday (now 30) and he has an early birthday (now 40) with my boyfriend. He was a teenage dad. We just just welcomed our first grandchild about a month ago. I couldn't be more proud of my "unusual" family.
2nd story: Parent said they learned when the relationship actually started & that they chose not to press charges. That leads me to think it def started before she was 18. 💔 Also, 2 happy homes are ALWAYS better than 1 unhappy/toxic home; and single parent households can be very healthy for a child.
Never would I EVER sign a prenup. Ik how blessed I am that my man wants to provide for me, my child, and his children.
@@jenniferbrown3782 I learned that lesson the hard way with my ex-husband. I suppose that if both parties have $$, own property, etc., then the protection may be necessary. I've lived my entire adult life in poverty, tho. Had my fiancée been wealthy and expressed his need for a prenup, we wouldn't have made it past that conversation. 🤷🏽♀️ In my last relationship, damn near the moment I said "I do", all of his promises to "take care of me" went out the window. Being fully aware of my physical limitations, and after providing for me for 2 years, he decided that I needed to find a way to support myself. He didn't take into account that the home we were living in was paid for BY ME. He said he 'wanted to take a break from working for a while'. He was only working part time to begin with! I left before the 2nd anniversary rolled around. Had he been in complete financial control of me, I would've felt trapped. Had there been a major lifestyle change that I was facing, or had I thought that I would end up homeless, without a vehicle, etc., I would've been much more likely to stay in a bad situation. It's happened to countless people, majority of whom are women. So had my fiancée been wealthy and required a prenup, I would've said goodbye. Not only because of the unbalanced dynamic it could create; but also, if you're preparing for a divorce, WHY get married?? The relationship failing should be the furthest thing from your mind, imo.🤷🏽♀️✌🏽