The last comment of the video 'If you can't question the process and question if what we are doing is good without somebody getting upset, you are in a cult' is one of the most succinct ways of describing evil I have ever heard and is exactly what alerted my attention to the global madness of the last few years. Never in the history of mankind has it turned out to be a good idea not to question science. Science can only evolve through the very act of questioning of it. Same for human beings. But questioning someone demands the person to self reflect. People with NPD cannot self reflect (that is the crux of Narcissism) which is why they project instead - straight back on to the questioner.
This is what I've been saying for years even before pandemic, if science is no longer based on scientific method it's dogmatism and not science. Today it's frowned upon to question establishment. A great book on this subject I'd recommend is "the devouring mother: the collective unconscious in the time of Corona" by Simon Sheridan.
Compassion for others and no compassion for self is codependency And - compassion for self without compassion for others is narcissism. The double edged sword. Thanks Richard.
unless you were the child who stared them down until they looked away. then they double down and REALLY try to destroy you through sabotage and backstabbing, if you stare them down, they change tactics and enlist the cowards around them to gang up on you, covertly. addictive personalities are very very dangerous in every way.
When I was 14 I read a book called “The Peter Pan syndrome”! The book mentions a kid being torn between 2 parents not interested in him/ her ex: you take him/ her no you take him/her… long story- the kid retreats into “magical thinking”.. dives into a safe fantasy- that’s what Peter Pan did! Peter spirals into poor behavior etc etc! The book is written by a psychologist who kept having exact same types come into his office BY FORCE basically! Richard THANKYOU so much for your wisdom!!!! I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HARD WORK! I suffered too with ptsd in childhood from a” difficult” parent! I’m glad you go in depth on the psychology of the narcissist! You are saving my spirit! God bless You!!!🎉🎉🎉🙏🙏
I don't understand why we constantly are trying to understand the narcissist, how they function, why and what they are doing....for years.I ask myself if this is not a part of the abuse and an addiction. Isn't it time to try to understand ourselves or what remains of us when we finally don't waste one minute again on them and their behaviour? The knowledge is an important part but we have to be aware when it becomes an addiction. Don't we know enough now about them and their psyche???
Isaiah 57: 20-21 20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea, which cannot rest, whose waves cast up mire and mud. 21 “There is no peace,” says my God, “for the wicked.”
@@amandab3946thank you. Absolutely right. It makes me angry how many people use the bible to shame victims of abuse. For me it seems that they are flying monkeys of a psychopathic God. And I have to say that I did this too to myself until I discovered a channel "Theramintrees" a man who was abused by Religion.
It means the cycle has to be changed from one generation to the next, the child isn't to blame though.. To be Parents is a very important role with nurture and all the stages from babies and through adolescence.. Mainly the early years 0 to 6 roughly Sam Vaknin
Four years in and you keep delivering in the deepening of the understanding of this plague on our psych. Always with the fresh edge on it. The self effacing humour, the thorough research, the constant questioning. Much appreciated. Divinely guided. And that's not boundaryless over praising.
This gives me deeper understanding what happened to my grand mother in the horrific residential bordering schools that imprisoned our American Indigenous ancestors. And when she passed her then adult children became quite toxic. I feel I better understand how she responded to the indoctrination she had no control over as a child. I definitely went through the cycle of increasing toxic work/personal relationships after her death, even though I totally withdrew from my family 20 years ago. So much clarity offered here. Thank you so much.
Been following Richard for years. His book is great!! I rather enjoy the seminars because his personality comes out more with a room full of people, instead of one on one camera vids. Thanks for all of the helpful, clarifying content on these murky matters!!
The thing about narcissists and fiction is spot on. My dad has NPD and he would go through "phases". He had a cowboy phase where he would dress up like an old school cowboy, watch Tombstone on repeat, and even travelled to Arizona (we live in Canada) three times to live out his fantasy. He's had religious phases, a motorcycle phase where he grew out his hair and bought a motorcycle and wore all leather, the works. I always wondered why but now I understand. My ex is a sociopath and when he cheated on me the first time, he said it was because we had just watched Jax cheat on his wife in Sons of Anarchy lol I said to him, "so can you not tell the difference between reality and fiction?" and he said no. He's also obsessed with superheroes which I think comes from an obsession he had as a child. Superheroes are invincible so of course he longs to be one. Their brains are so incredibly damaged.
Richard is an excellent lecturer! I've been watching for over 1 hour without even thinking of taking a break. He uses real-world examples and even relates stories from his own life. Im going to buy his new book.
Narcissism inverted reality: lies are good because they enable you to "get" benefit from others; truth is bad because then you have to be accountable for effing people/life for "sport" and profit. RIP humanity; human beasts rule.
At first. But think it to the end or just look at how people adjust to abusive people. They hate, they leave, they avoid them. Narcissists just won the battle but the war will be their misery.
holy... you made my mouth just drop open when you talked about thinking of when you got into those relationships and actually replacing abuse from childhood. This just klicked for me. My father was never there, ignored me, put himself in front of me, neglected, and alcoholic. And knowingly that i am still bad at similar situations, that was exactly what i went into, and down the rabbit hole it went worse and worse. I thought I had gotten over it by breaking contact with him, but somehow what you said made sense.
Richard, this is a wonderful and very well rounded presentation. It's already aided me in clarity and proper placement of very many aspects of NPD. AND may I say it has also brought a wellspring of hope for future discoveries to aid us all. A Heartfelt Thank you!
I love that you put us in the mind of the narcissist. You make vague actions make sense. It’s like you are working out in your mind what happened to you and including all of us in your reasoning. It’s like your great research paper.
We don't educate our children to call out liars. Feeding them fairy tales to coddle them does not really set them up to choose an honest, compatible, life partner. We try to force the fairy tale with familiar patterns onto a partner. It's not the reality of a compatible model with an educated decision making tree.
Depends on what kind of fairy tales, you're talking about lol- my child doesn't care much, for Disney but he's familiar enough that I look forward, to introducing him to the original tales. They are so odd, often- like fever dreams but also, have such a finger on human behaviors, that are maladaptive.
There is no therapist who works with parents/families who thinks over-praising kids is healthy. None. Zero. It may be a popular idea in parts of our culture, but it isn’t touted by professionals. I say this as a psychologist in practice for 40 years.
Of course. As a teacher & a random person i notice that parents raise their children to think high er of themselves the last 3 decades..what you say "part of this culture". It s the same thing with other behaviors too that adults would be helpful to adopt e.g manipulation. Tragic. I wonder how psychologists & everyone behaves like if conscience, empathy & especially have an identity is the normal or possible thing.
I like that dude Andrew on narc daily. He really drives it home. He just says what happens and to run. He doesnt get to deep. But it is healing to me to hear his message. Like learning too. So thanks.
Re. "I'm looking at you, looking at me, through the mirror" - As the p/w NPD has no external objects, is this not one additional level more complicated? - I.e: "I'm looking at your introject, looking at me* through the mirror" * 'Me', meaning 'the present representation of the false self'. The critical point being that - all of it really is generated in the p/w NPD's head. This is particularly as the victims' behaviour will then be modified via various manipulative means, to ensure compliance with the introject which represents the victim.
I love your accent. Brits I can't understand them if it is heavy but, Australia, Scottish, Irish, all except British I can understand and I really like yours. It's soothing
I'm still trying to figure out if my ex was a narcissistm. Maybe I'll never know. He was always a charmer when it comes to women and flirted so much - he admitted it too. Once I found out something this summer and confronted him, he exploded and the attack was so disproportionate. He called me a POS, that when I look in the mirror, I should spit because of what a crappy person I was. How I was so insecure, etc. He was then so preoccupied of telling his family about our split (after 10 years together) and immediately changing his profile pic (there was me, him and my son). Now, no contact at all. I'm still so perplexed.
That's Soo true, my last 3 relationships got worse and worse - the last one was Satan's daughter - the most sneaky insidious thing I ever met - didn't even know it was happening... 14 years of insanity.....only woke up after she disgarded.... Twilight zone shit.. I got a lot of work ahead of me... And yep after I told my.father to go jump
That was so insightful. Now I feel armed when having to deal with my ex partner when it comes to contact with our daughter. This all makes sense and I feel empowered to cope with the very small conversations that have to be talked about and when my daughter feels inadequate through his actions I can explain (in a kind and thoughtful way) that it’s not her it’s him.
in my case the polarity was home to school, where my teachers fawned over me all the time as I was "exceptional"(their words, not mine)and in home my mother belittling me, humiliating me, calling me monster if i ever dared to cry as a response to the brutal beating. As a result of this extremely polar environment, the moment I went into a different school, the steady flow of praise stopped and I flunked at the only few things I was good at, including studies. stopped painting, singing, participating at anything at all, and now, as a 25 years old, I feel nothing but a failure, sinking into deeper and deeper abyss as days progress.... but, i still am hopeful, I am working on myself. I think i am healing, even though most days it doesn't feel like it....
This lecture did well to tie multiple concepts together in an understandable, consumable package. I think the abstract, non-tangible, multilayered nature of npd discussion renders it difficult to fully grasp. Once I see the trees for the forest, some trees disappear, the forest looks a little different, and I need to retrace which trees were lost in the current understanding. I watch a lot of Sam Vaknin. He's very learned and eloquent, but he never uses illustrations. Imo, he should. Graphics help to compartmentalize and retain such complex, abstract ideas. Thanks for sharing this.
I was never over praised by my parents In fact I was allowed to do whatever whenever I wanted to do but I was not ever told by my parents when I was little that I was loved no bedtime stories. But when I first met the man/child I would eventually would marry at 16 yrs old and lost my virginity it was then that he told me he "loved me" I never heard anyone say that but he also insisted that I paret back those same words to him but I didn't know what love was so I simply said what he wanted to hear. His demeanor changed that day forward. I understand now but I had no clue then.
My ex told me he was great at reading people and exposed friends and myself to some crappy people. He told me about understanding microexpressions and would often be dead wrong in reading me, his partner of years.
If they're solipsistic, when a large group people come together trying to achieve a goal that to the outside seems unrealistic and wrong, is it because they only care about the goal and how will it benefit them individually? Or do they sense: "here's other people not paying attention to reality". Or are they just using a collective as the mirror?
Great video Richard. I watch your videos to better understand my "soon to be ex-partner" and the situation I find myself in. This situation has been going on for over a decade. But the thing i just learned was about myself and just how hard core co- depend I am. I knew I was a bit, but how you explained it was like a kick to the face. Anyways, thanks Richard!👍
Even if they are denying reality they still know what they do to others.. They are aware of their actions.. they lack empathy. Anyone who lacks empathy is evil.
Spent way too long on this 😂 but such an inspired seminar! I don’t know how you do it! 🤯 I agree with all points and validated some suspicions. Thoroughly enjoyable. Around 7 min mark is my favourite part :)
Great lecture Richard, this is really starting to make so much sense. It’s unbelievable you have got this wisdom and Thank you for sharing your work 🤩 The Fiction. I always thought that was weird. Watching Frasier repeatedly every day over 10 years. I thought I was living with Frasier and told him you know I prefer Niles so try and be like him instead and we will probably get along 😂 He didn’t and ended up like a psychopathic version of Frasier instead, so I’m now living on my own. I’ve heard somewhere that NPDs will have their partner really believe they look like a certain celebrity. I believe they mirror the traits of a celebrity so much as well as say other people have said they look like them that their partner really believes they look like them. When you actually see their partner they may have the same colour hair or same height but that’s it. Bloody delusional 👍
yea, what type of person needs this type of label? i would be uncomfortable touting myself with a label, this is an addictive personality, most likely. they are very dangerous.
Richard, it would be great if you could repeat the attendees’ questions; they are hard to hear clearly. Thank you for this amazing video. Much of it is beyond me, but what I do grasp is empowering. Also, you are an inspiration! ❤
For me personally, I deep down thought I wasn’t worthy of a normal healthy partner. So I chose people that I thought were kind with a lot of potential that we could become something better together. The guys I liked that seemed kind with great families and were well adjusted and had everything planned out- I didn’t deserve anyone like that. Even if they did like me, I shied away because of the fear that they would find out what kind of broken life I had lived, and that Id be rejected based on not coming from a great family like theirs, or because of the trauma I thought they would see if they looked too long at me
I completely agree that some people do actually groom others to abuse them. It's like a preditor-prey relationship and prey only feels comfortable when they are being hunted and eaten. I've watched hundreds of my clients beg for abuse without even realizing it. I don't think every codependent/empath, etc do this, but I have absolutely seen this happen. Some people have eroticized their abuse, and, they live for it. Healthy, normal love is so boring for them. They love abuse; it's all they know.
addictive personalities come in a lot of variations..... they are still addictive personalities, characterized by delusional thinking/physical compulsion/remorse phase, repeating over and over, instead of pondering and thinking through things, they have a delusional cycle, they love it, they want it. it is a delusion to allow yourself to be abused, thinking the other person might notice it and stop, this will never happen and it is delusional. those who are capable of abuse in the first place are well aware of it, they know exactly what they are doing. if you do not believe me, read the aa big book, addictive personalities know exactly what they are doing, there is no "helping' them, this just gives them more attention.
They don’t “love abuse”, that’s an incredibly condescending thing to say about vulnerable people, especially if they are your patients. Familiarity with toxicity means healthy relationships feel uncomfortable, some people don’t know how to handle a situation they’ve never been presented with before. Plus low self esteem, if they feel undeserving they may unconsciously sabotage that relationship. It doesn’t sound like you’re professionally able to empathetically provide pathways that help to lead away from these cyclical behaviours of being drawn to toxicity.
@@amandab3946 it was the most horrivle thing i've heard in days... but hey... narcs right? They will look into the mirror and see an empathetic person all they want.
hoping im not commenting too much, just one more thing, this is a venn diagram with no overlap. addictive personalities have delusional cycles where normal people have pondering and self reflection. addictive personalities: for them "self-control' is an abstract concept that does not exist. the only thing that influences them are things they bump up against, outside themselves. "self control", to these creatures, it does not exist, they deny it and proceed on to their delusions, this might be their first delusion, that they have no ability to control themselves. but do they? reading the aa big book, it seems they really DO. when faced with their own demise, all of the sudden, they have self control, at least somewhat. they know exactly what they are doing. addictive personalities are choosing delusions OVER self control. they know it, they know exactly what they are doing. ok im sorry, i get encouraged when people like richard and other thought leaders get closer to this reality, that the core of the problem is the enablement of addictive personaities, they have channeled their addictiions into more socially acceptable things like money addiction. but they are still addicts, still having the delusional cycle where normal people have pondering and reflection. addicts never ponder nor do they reflect, what they do is relive stuff to conjure hatred.that is what they do. there is no overlap, they are nothing like us, and they know what they are doing. ok i am done, thank you.
i did that exact thing with cutting off my mom and then women i find interest in. I had been wondering if thats what it was. First time I heard someone speak of it.
I would like to add an example from my former partner that might help people. She was adopted. Her mother was a mess and abusive but not until later on. As a baby she was very happy because she always wanted a child and wasn’t able to have children naturally and she worshipped her. So she was rejected by her birth mother and doted on by her adopted mother. Eventually that shifted to where her adopted mother became abusive. But I think the rejection that adopted children can feel can be the “told you are awful” side of this equation.
💯 agree on using fiction as a playbook for real life. My mom is really obvious about it. She actually explains her relationship with her husband in context of her romance books. I mean open, directly expressed correlations. She's very childish about it. She thinks the romance books express real life relationships. That's not just my conjecture. She has said as much.
I think (For me) one way of overcomign ym narcissism is to acknowledge my instincts that were telling me to leave that place I was in. I think some of the dissonance occurs when one chooses not to acknowledge that part because it isnt all knowing and perfect. I am deeply ashamed that I let myself go through 12 years of unecessary abuse because i didnt listen to my instincts. My instincts told me to leave at 6 because it was a bad environment and I SHOULD HAVE. I dont see this as a social argument. I should have left. There is no reality following the instincts that I stay at that goddamn pit of a home.
I have BPD and have wondered if in fact actually I have narcissism. After watching your video explaining how to figure out if you have NPD I followed what you said and went on google and looked at the 9 traits. I had a long think and I ended up with 6 out of 9😕 but you also said in the video that compassion is a big thing..if you have compassion (not empathy) you probably don't have NPD. I realy do think I have compassion for people. My problem though is that I've done alot of thinking about how I am and I do see some traits that I'm worried about and that I realy hate in myself...my question: Do you think BPD is made in the same way as NPD (I.e splitting) and what can I do about these traits??? Sorry for the long comment😬
I have found that I have some narcissistic traits too, we all do. Primary narcissism is something we all develop as children to take on the world. These usually dropped off in adolescence, but if they do not they can become the NPD pathology. Usually becasue the child is not allowed to form their own agency through bad parenting techniques, abuse etc. Otto Kernberg (Object Relations School) believed that NPD and BPD are 2 sides of the same coin, I believe that too, after speaking to an old gf from adolescence, whom I realised was broken and in recent years we have been talking and she is similar but even more broken. Sad to see witness what it has done to her. She has compassion, usually only with regard to herself and her need to be seen as virtuous and she can be very charming, intelligent and display compassion for others, but she can flip real fast and become cruel and vile and unreasonable. I cannot reach her, she isn't there, lacks any accountability, total flake but perceives herself as above normal behaviour, special, unique. She drives everyone away as they will not conform to her inflated grandiose self image. Almost a Schizoid now through a lifetime of inability to attach and hurts herself and others. (Collapsed NPD's often go this way) BPD usually have a unrealistic empathy are hypervigilant and many other negative traits but they have a much better chance to get treatment. DBT is very succesful at treating BPD. See Marsha Lineham i think is her name? She had BPD and developed this new DBT as a treatment modality. There are are other treatments too but this is the most effective. Apparently it does not change the pathology internally but helps you to find more functional ways to absorb and behave in a more adult manner. Hope that helped. 🤞🙏 If you have NPD the prognosis is much complicated, however you do seem to be attempting to do something about it so you probably haven't got NPD. Both NPD and BPD share some traits btw. I know NPD is a type of codependency as they need others to get supply, adulation, sex etc I think BPD is codependent too, they need to feel regulated by others. Neither have a core personality according to Kernberg. 🤞❤
I could see my part in all the narcissistic relationships I've had, I believe you can't really make headway in your healing until you do understand your part in this nightmare dance... your kinda stuck in a trap until you do ..
NPDs do kind of understand emotions and morality in fiction and in real life situations (on a superficial level), that's how they can manipulate others. They understand them as long as it doesn't involve them personally - that's where it falls apart! They don't have the capacity to look deep inside THEMSELVES. Yes, they're copying fictional characters. They have no core self, no core values, no intimate connections with other human beings, nothing inside or around them that tell can them how to act or who they should become... They are able to accept "suggestions" only from fictional characters without getting a fetal dose of narcissistic injury. You told your mate that the Elvis movie was great - he heard "my mate said the Elvis movie is great, Elvis is great, I have to become Elvis, I am now Elvis, so my mate likes me too". As soon as you cycle into the devaluation phase he will hear "Richard, that filthy b'stard said the Elvis movie is great, Elvis was a POS too, all music suck, I have to write a 10000 word angry comment about this film on Rotten Tomatoes - AND RICHARD MADE ME DO IT!!!". P.S.: No amount of subconscious "conditioning" from you will transform a decent person into an ab'ser. Or a thief. Those who do not have the intention to steal from you or hurt you in any way to begin with... They will continue to have integrity and rather call you out for your weird behavior towards them. The others... Well, cluster Bs gonna cluster B, and blame all their actions on you "conditioning" them. :)
I would like see a feminist historical/material lens applied to this collective psyche framework on how gender influence a sense of entitlement/neurotic narcissism
Great listening pleasure. Have you thought about the role of monotheism in all of this? ___ Wasn't the death of animism and birth of monotheism the Great Dawn for such negative and positive injectors.. (?) The time when monotheisms came on. (In my view it was. Two great "conspiracies" began.. Conspiracy against nature and conspiracy of narcissism.)
My Dear Richard Grannon, I have some bad news for you. Not only you, of course, all of us! You know that we are living in an illusion BECAUSE... let's start with the beginning. In the Paraphrase of Shem, it talks about this beginning.... there were three powers, or we could call them places? just to make it easier to understand. The top was Light and Sound, the middle was humble Spirit, the bottom was Darkness. There was no such thing as negative emotions or anything. Everything Original Creator or Source created was pure and good and lovely. Then the Darkness went crooked and thought it was the only one in existence, so it became arrogant. In order to rescue the Mind from Darkness because it was using Mind as its tool, and it was abusing it, so it needed to be taken away...so in order to do that... guess what? Derdekias went down to that pit, and it was brought up into the middle section which is the light of humble Spirit, and suddenly we have dark and light, two totally opposites. Now how in the world do you think anyone here could escape not being a narcissist with that type of arrangement. Well, the good part is that, it's like a contest, and if you can endure it, you can have your personal individuality and Mind. But, we have to, like you are teaching to have do, be healthy rather than narcissistic, because everything crooked and negative will be thrown back down and this time it will be no more, because it goes into the lump it came from...and that where the destruction of that world happens, and no more death etc. because all that was the total contradiction of Life and Love and Goodness. You see what I mean?
The fiction part. Omfg yes. I introduced anime. F me. I was a week short of getting f'd by Kakashi. literally. All the collectables, every inch of apt. Costumes. Masks, he loves masks
I don't think we train our partners to abuse us. I certainly do not. I had one bad marriage ..every other relationship has been good, my current friends and husband are very good people. Richard you are still lost in the cognitive dissonance ...THESE BAD RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT...pick a nice girl , one with empathy and honesty ...you are picking your father not creating him...get a new therapist
The last comment of the video 'If you can't question the process and question if what we are doing is good without somebody getting upset, you are in a cult' is one of the most succinct ways of describing evil I have ever heard and is exactly what alerted my attention to the global madness of the last few years. Never in the history of mankind has it turned out to be a good idea not to question science. Science can only evolve through the very act of questioning of it. Same for human beings. But questioning someone demands the person to self reflect. People with NPD cannot self reflect (that is the crux of Narcissism) which is why they project instead - straight back on to the questioner.
100%. You explained it perfectly. thank you. Thomas Seattle WA Seattle USA
Wise words!
"woke" words (of warning)
So very true! And it's the projecting the Narcissist did to me that made me wonder if I had lost my mind!
This is what I've been saying for years even before pandemic, if science is no longer based on scientific method it's dogmatism and not science. Today it's frowned upon to question establishment. A great book on this subject I'd recommend is "the devouring mother: the collective unconscious in the time of Corona" by Simon Sheridan.
Compassion for others and no compassion for self is codependency
And - compassion for self without compassion for others is narcissism. The double edged sword. Thanks Richard.
There is no compassion for self in narcissism, because they reject their true self, which is the polar opposite of compassion
Narcissists are absent from their own life.
They are detached and dissociated from their own reality
careful with saying this kind of stuff because there’s people that simply suffer from dissociation
This is the most *phenomenally* deep and educational teaching on narcissism I’ve ever heard in my life!
If your childhood was ruined by narcissistic, selfish, immature parents, you have low self-esteem, and they can sense it. You're like a sitting duck.
unless you were the child who stared them down until they looked away. then they double down and REALLY try to destroy you through sabotage and backstabbing, if you stare them down, they change tactics and enlist the cowards around them to gang up on you, covertly.
addictive personalities are very very dangerous in every way.
Until you heal. Find your TRUE SELF, and build your OWN life and leave them in the dust! You got this!
THIS is what my mom did to me @@MachineThreadPainting
When I was 14 I read a book called “The Peter Pan syndrome”! The book mentions a kid being torn between 2 parents not interested in him/ her ex: you take him/ her no you take him/her… long story- the kid retreats into “magical thinking”.. dives into a safe fantasy- that’s what Peter Pan did!
Peter spirals into poor behavior etc etc!
The book is written by a psychologist who kept having exact same types come into his office BY FORCE basically!
Richard THANKYOU so much for your wisdom!!!!
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HARD WORK!
I suffered too with ptsd in childhood from a” difficult” parent!
I’m glad you go in depth on the psychology of the narcissist! You are saving my spirit!
God bless You!!!🎉🎉🎉🙏🙏
I don't understand why we constantly are trying to understand the narcissist, how they function, why and what they are doing....for years.I ask myself if this is not a part of the abuse and an addiction. Isn't it time to try to understand ourselves or what remains of us when we finally don't waste one minute again on them and their behaviour? The knowledge is an important part but we have to be aware when it becomes an addiction. Don't we know enough now about them and their psyche???
Isaiah 57: 20-21
20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea, which cannot rest, whose waves cast up mire and mud.
21 “There is no peace,” says my God, “for the wicked.”
@@d1na207 So does that mean that we are the wicked because we have been abused!!!!????!!!
@@claudiasbarra1044their cited source is out of date. 😊
@@amandab3946thank you. Absolutely right. It makes me angry how many people use the bible to shame victims of abuse. For me it seems that they are flying monkeys of a psychopathic God. And I have to say that I did this too to myself until I discovered a channel "Theramintrees" a man who was abused by Religion.
It means the cycle has to be changed from one generation to the next, the child isn't to blame though.. To be Parents is a very important role with nurture and all the stages from babies and through adolescence.. Mainly the early years 0 to 6 roughly Sam Vaknin
Four years in and you keep delivering in the deepening of the understanding of this plague on our psych. Always with the fresh edge on it. The self effacing humour, the thorough research, the constant questioning. Much appreciated. Divinely guided. And that's not boundaryless over praising.
This gives me deeper understanding what happened to my grand mother in the horrific residential bordering schools that imprisoned our American Indigenous ancestors. And when she passed her then adult children became quite toxic. I feel I better understand how she responded to the indoctrination she had no control over as a child. I definitely went through the cycle of increasing toxic work/personal relationships after her death, even though I totally withdrew from my family 20 years ago. So much clarity offered here. Thank you so much.
Been following Richard for years. His book is great!! I rather enjoy the seminars because his personality comes out more with a room full of people, instead of one on one camera vids. Thanks for all of the helpful, clarifying content on these murky matters!!
The thing about narcissists and fiction is spot on. My dad has NPD and he would go through "phases". He had a cowboy phase where he would dress up like an old school cowboy, watch Tombstone on repeat, and even travelled to Arizona (we live in Canada) three times to live out his fantasy. He's had religious phases, a motorcycle phase where he grew out his hair and bought a motorcycle and wore all leather, the works. I always wondered why but now I understand.
My ex is a sociopath and when he cheated on me the first time, he said it was because we had just watched Jax cheat on his wife in Sons of Anarchy lol I said to him, "so can you not tell the difference between reality and fiction?" and he said no. He's also obsessed with superheroes which I think comes from an obsession he had as a child. Superheroes are invincible so of course he longs to be one. Their brains are so incredibly damaged.
Richard is an excellent lecturer! I've been watching for over 1 hour without even thinking of taking a break. He uses real-world examples and even relates stories from his own life. Im going to buy his new book.
Amazing lesson, thank you very much for share! This can save so many of us! ❤
Excellent lecture, very clear and I love your presenting style and humour. Congratulations.
Wow. This is helpful! Thankyou. I'm healing cptsd and splits in my psychy and am trying to understand the whole range. Thankyou Richard.
Narcissism inverted reality: lies are good because they enable you to "get" benefit from others; truth is bad because then you have to be accountable for effing people/life for "sport" and profit. RIP humanity; human beasts rule.
At first. But think it to the end or just look at how people adjust to abusive people. They hate, they leave, they avoid them. Narcissists just won the battle but the war will be their misery.
holy... you made my mouth just drop open when you talked about thinking of when you got into those relationships and actually replacing abuse from childhood. This just klicked for me. My father was never there, ignored me, put himself in front of me, neglected, and alcoholic. And knowingly that i am still bad at similar situations, that was exactly what i went into, and down the rabbit hole it went worse and worse. I thought I had gotten over it by breaking contact with him, but somehow what you said made sense.
My husband and my friend shave been trying to rewrite everything I am...
Brilliantly explained as always. Thank you. Good luck everyone. U.
Richard, this is a wonderful and very well rounded presentation. It's already aided me in clarity and proper placement of very many aspects of NPD. AND may I say it has also brought a wellspring of hope for future discoveries to aid us all.
A Heartfelt Thank you!
35:55 The narcissist is always looking at themselves through your eyes.
50:40 Instrumentalization, no love.
I love that you put us in the mind of the narcissist. You make vague actions make sense. It’s like you are working out in your mind what happened to you and including all of us in your reasoning. It’s like your great research paper.
We don't educate our children to call out liars. Feeding them fairy tales to coddle them does not really set them up to choose an honest, compatible, life partner. We try to force the fairy tale with familiar patterns onto a partner. It's not the reality of a compatible model with an educated decision making tree.
People are now allowing their kids to remain kids for life. Instead of teaching them to become adults. It's the Peter Pan syndrome but in real life.
Depends on what kind of fairy tales, you're talking about lol- my child doesn't care much, for Disney but he's familiar enough that I look forward, to introducing him to the original tales.
They are so odd, often- like fever dreams but also, have such a finger on human behaviors, that are maladaptive.
Passion overwhelms logic, causing us to say AND believe what flies in the face of facts. "Quoting an old source".
I'm a narcissist. I'm collapsed. I'm thin skined. I've been successful making money. I've used money to buy people and family. I'm cursed.
Wow this session was so good!
There is no therapist who works with parents/families who thinks over-praising kids is healthy. None. Zero. It may be a popular idea in parts of our culture, but it isn’t touted by professionals. I say this as a psychologist in practice for 40 years.
Of course. As a teacher & a random person i notice that parents raise their children to think high er of themselves the last 3 decades..what you say "part of this culture". It s the same thing with other behaviors too that adults would be helpful to adopt e.g manipulation. Tragic. I wonder how psychologists & everyone behaves like if conscience, empathy & especially have an identity is the normal or possible thing.
I like that dude Andrew on narc daily. He really drives it home. He just says what happens and to run. He doesnt get to deep. But it is healing to me to hear his message. Like learning too. So thanks.
Re. "I'm looking at you, looking at me, through the mirror" -
As the p/w NPD has no external objects, is this not one additional level more complicated? -
I.e:
"I'm looking at your introject, looking at me* through the mirror"
* 'Me', meaning 'the present representation of the false self'.
The critical point being that - all of it really is generated in the p/w NPD's head.
This is particularly as the victims' behaviour will then be modified via various manipulative means, to ensure compliance with the introject which represents the victim.
I love your accent. Brits I can't understand them if it is heavy but, Australia, Scottish, Irish, all except British I can understand and I really like yours. It's soothing
That is true when I removed myselfe from parents I went in weary bad relationships.Corect
Great video. Very informative. Thank you for your time and thoughts Richard
❤️💪🔥☯️🖖🦋
I'm still trying to figure out if my ex was a narcissistm. Maybe I'll never know. He was always a charmer when it comes to women and flirted so much - he admitted it too. Once I found out something this summer and confronted him, he exploded and the attack was so disproportionate. He called me a POS, that when I look in the mirror, I should spit because of what a crappy person I was. How I was so insecure, etc. He was then so preoccupied of telling his family about our split (after 10 years together) and immediately changing his profile pic (there was me, him and my son). Now, no contact at all. I'm still so perplexed.
Every summer, you just got Lucky 🙏♥️🎶
That's Soo true, my last 3 relationships got worse and worse - the last one was Satan's daughter - the most sneaky insidious thing I ever met - didn't even know it was happening...
14 years of insanity.....only woke up after she disgarded.... Twilight zone shit..
I got a lot of work ahead of me...
And yep after I told my.father to go jump
That was so insightful. Now I feel armed when having to deal with my ex partner when it comes to contact with our daughter.
This all makes sense and I feel empowered to cope with the very small conversations that have to be talked about and when my daughter feels inadequate through his actions I can explain (in a kind and thoughtful way) that it’s not her it’s him.
in my case the polarity was home to school, where my teachers fawned over me all the time as I was "exceptional"(their words, not mine)and in home my mother belittling me, humiliating me, calling me monster if i ever dared to cry as a response to the brutal beating. As a result of this extremely polar environment, the moment I went into a different school, the steady flow of praise stopped and I flunked at the only few things I was good at, including studies. stopped painting, singing, participating at anything at all, and now, as a 25 years old, I feel nothing but a failure, sinking into deeper and deeper abyss as days progress.... but, i still am hopeful, I am working on myself. I think i am healing, even though most days it doesn't feel like it....
This lecture did well to tie multiple concepts together in an understandable, consumable package.
I think the abstract, non-tangible, multilayered nature of npd discussion renders it difficult to fully grasp. Once I see the trees for the forest, some trees disappear, the forest looks a little different, and I need to retrace which trees were lost in the current understanding.
I watch a lot of Sam Vaknin. He's very learned and eloquent, but he never uses illustrations. Imo, he should. Graphics help to compartmentalize and retain such complex, abstract ideas.
Thanks for sharing this.
I was never over praised by my parents In fact I was allowed to do whatever whenever I wanted to do but I was not ever told by my parents when I was little that I was loved no bedtime stories. But when I first met the man/child I would eventually would marry at 16 yrs old and lost my virginity it was then that he told me he "loved me" I never heard anyone say that but he also insisted that I paret back those same words to him but I didn't know what love was so I simply said what he wanted to hear. His demeanor changed that day forward. I understand now but I had no clue then.
My ex told me he was great at reading people and exposed friends and myself to some crappy people. He told me about understanding microexpressions and would often be dead wrong in reading me, his partner of years.
If they're solipsistic,
when a large group people come together
trying to achieve a goal that to the outside seems unrealistic and wrong,
is it because they only care about the goal and how will it benefit them individually?
Or do they sense: "here's other people not paying attention to reality".
Or are they just using a collective as the mirror?
Thanks !
46:16 Known foundational coordinates. The initial set of base coordinates that exist to an individual until they leave home.
“Chatting to the aliens” speaker’s statement…Hell, narcissists ARE sole less aliens with human features!
This is wonderful. Thank you.
Great video Richard. I watch your videos to better understand my "soon to be ex-partner" and the situation I find myself in. This situation has been going on for over a decade.
But the thing i just learned was about myself and just how hard core co- depend I am. I knew I was a bit, but how you explained it was like a kick to the face. Anyways, thanks Richard!👍
😂 I literally made a face right before you said “people are looking at me with the swirling face”
Even if they are denying reality they still know what they do to others.. They are aware of their actions.. they lack empathy. Anyone who lacks empathy is evil.
"Anyone who lacks empathy is evil". What a judgemental and inaccurate conclusion.
@@sharon_rose724 ok.. would u care to explain why is that without being judgemental about how this is judgemental
@@BhavikaPathre Probably not to someone that themselves doesn't have empathy or has black and white thinking
Damn i was in fantasy based matrix pod all this time...
This explains the ups and downs in the mood of the narcissist. It comes off as bipolar disorder
Thank you for posting this. It is great account of knowledge. I only watch you and Sam Vaknin. Could be nice if there were subtitles for questions.
Spent way too long on this 😂 but such an inspired seminar! I don’t know how you do it! 🤯 I agree with all points and validated some suspicions.
Thoroughly enjoyable. Around 7 min mark is my favourite part :)
I had fantasy based conversation in Matrix space for so long.
Splitting from parts work! Just the same as gaslight workers! IFS
Love the ending " I'm a scouser ill rob it all" 😂😂😂
Great lecture Richard, this is really starting to make so much sense. It’s unbelievable you have got this wisdom and Thank you for sharing your work 🤩 The Fiction. I always thought that was weird. Watching Frasier repeatedly every day over 10 years. I thought I was living with Frasier and told him you know I prefer Niles so try and be like him instead and we will probably get along 😂 He didn’t and ended up like a psychopathic version of Frasier instead, so I’m now living on my own.
I’ve heard somewhere that NPDs will have their partner really believe they look like a certain celebrity. I believe they mirror the traits of a celebrity so much as well as say other people have said they look like them that their partner really believes they look like them. When you actually see their partner they may have the same colour hair or same height but that’s it. Bloody delusional 👍
Go so excited seeing your post🎉😊
I remember someone at church said that my dad was the ‘salt of the earth.’ I am pretty sure that my eyebrows did that funny crinkly thing. 😆
yea, what type of person needs this type of label? i would be uncomfortable touting myself with a label, this is an addictive personality, most likely. they are very dangerous.
Meanwhile if you salt the earth the plants will NOT be happy 😂
Richard, it would be great if you could repeat the attendees’ questions; they are hard to hear clearly.
Thank you for this amazing video. Much of it is beyond me, but what I do grasp is empowering. Also, you are an inspiration! ❤
There is a transcript of the lecture underneath the video. Click on it and scroll down to the questions.
THANKS!
Excellent.
6:55 I like that humor, Richard! hahaha
For me personally, I deep down thought I wasn’t worthy of a normal healthy partner. So I chose people that I thought were kind with a lot of potential that we could become something better together. The guys I liked that seemed kind with great families and were well adjusted and had everything planned out- I didn’t deserve anyone like that. Even if they did like me, I shied away because of the fear that they would find out what kind of broken life I had lived, and that Id be rejected based on not coming from a great family like theirs, or because of the trauma I thought they would see if they looked too long at me
Same here
Im over so many women using the word narcissist for everything, your choices matter .
Uhh this is a dude
In other words..every woman you date sees straight thru your b.s hahahaha..mommy issues?
I completely agree that some people do actually groom others to abuse them. It's like a preditor-prey relationship and prey only feels comfortable when they are being hunted and eaten. I've watched hundreds of my clients beg for abuse without even realizing it. I don't think every codependent/empath, etc do this, but I have absolutely seen this happen. Some people have eroticized their abuse, and, they live for it. Healthy, normal love is so boring for them. They love abuse; it's all they know.
Question is... did you provide it? 😅
addictive personalities come in a lot of variations..... they are still addictive personalities, characterized by delusional thinking/physical compulsion/remorse phase, repeating over and over, instead of pondering and thinking through things, they have a delusional cycle, they love it, they want it.
it is a delusion to allow yourself to be abused, thinking the other person might notice it and stop, this will never happen and it is delusional. those who are capable of abuse in the first place are well aware of it, they know exactly what they are doing.
if you do not believe me, read the aa big book, addictive personalities know exactly what they are doing, there is no "helping' them, this just gives them more attention.
They don’t “love abuse”, that’s an incredibly condescending thing to say about vulnerable people, especially if they are your patients.
Familiarity with toxicity means healthy relationships feel uncomfortable, some people don’t know how to handle a situation they’ve never been presented with before. Plus low self esteem, if they feel undeserving they may unconsciously sabotage that relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you’re professionally able to empathetically provide pathways that help to lead away from these cyclical behaviours of being drawn to toxicity.
@@amandab3946 it was the most horrivle thing i've heard in days... but hey... narcs right? They will look into the mirror and see an empathetic person all they want.
I think the netflix mini series "painkiller" ilustrates the super ego perfectly. The voice of the uncle screaming at the narcissist
Can one parent split a child if that parent is bipolar?
Yeah 👍. Much so 🙏♥️
Thats why they hate it when I deny dualism. I know the truth.
hoping im not commenting too much, just one more thing, this is a venn diagram with no overlap. addictive personalities have delusional cycles where normal people have pondering and self reflection.
addictive personalities: for them "self-control' is an abstract concept that does not exist. the only thing that influences them are things they bump up against, outside themselves. "self control", to these creatures, it does not exist, they deny it and proceed on to their delusions, this might be their first delusion, that they have no ability to control themselves.
but do they? reading the aa big book, it seems they really DO. when faced with their own demise, all of the sudden, they have self control, at least somewhat.
they know exactly what they are doing. addictive personalities are choosing delusions OVER self control. they know it, they know exactly what they are doing.
ok im sorry, i get encouraged when people like richard and other thought leaders get closer to this reality, that the core of the problem is the enablement of addictive personaities, they have channeled their addictiions into more socially acceptable things like money addiction. but they are still addicts, still having the delusional cycle where normal people have pondering and reflection. addicts never ponder nor do they reflect, what they do is relive stuff to conjure hatred.that is what they do. there is no overlap, they are nothing like us, and they know what they are doing.
ok i am done, thank you.
Fucking brilliant. Thankyou. This makes sense.
i did that exact thing with cutting off my mom and then women i find interest in. I had been wondering if thats what it was. First time I heard someone speak of it.
Thank you for thee video really make me understand clearly.❤..
I would like to add an example from my former partner that might help people. She was adopted. Her mother was a mess and abusive but not until later on. As a baby she was very happy because she always wanted a child and wasn’t able to have children naturally and she worshipped her. So she was rejected by her birth mother and doted on by her adopted mother. Eventually that shifted to where her adopted mother became abusive. But I think the rejection that adopted children can feel can be the “told you are awful” side of this equation.
💯 agree on using fiction as a playbook for real life. My mom is really obvious about it. She actually explains her relationship with her husband in context of her romance books. I mean open, directly expressed correlations. She's very childish about it. She thinks the romance books express real life relationships. That's not just my conjecture. She has said as much.
I think (For me) one way of overcomign ym narcissism is to acknowledge my instincts that were telling me to leave that place I was in. I think some of the dissonance occurs when one chooses not to acknowledge that part because it isnt all knowing and perfect. I am deeply ashamed that I let myself go through 12 years of unecessary abuse because i didnt listen to my instincts. My instincts told me to leave at 6 because it was a bad environment and I SHOULD HAVE. I dont see this as a social argument. I should have left. There is no reality following the instincts that I stay at that goddamn pit of a home.
I have BPD and have wondered if in fact actually I have narcissism. After watching your video explaining how to figure out if you have NPD I followed what you said and went on google and looked at the 9 traits. I had a long think and I ended up with 6 out of 9😕 but you also said in the video that compassion is a big thing..if you have compassion (not empathy) you probably don't have NPD.
I realy do think I have compassion for people.
My problem though is that I've done alot of thinking about how I am and I do see some traits that I'm worried about and that I realy hate in myself...my question:
Do you think BPD is made in the same way as NPD (I.e splitting) and what can I do about these traits???
Sorry for the long comment😬
I have found that I have some narcissistic traits too, we all do. Primary narcissism is something we all develop as children to take on the world. These usually dropped off in adolescence, but if they do not they can become the NPD pathology. Usually becasue the child is not allowed to form their own agency through bad parenting techniques, abuse etc.
Otto Kernberg (Object Relations School) believed that NPD and BPD are 2 sides of the same coin, I believe that too, after speaking to an old gf from adolescence, whom I realised was broken and in recent years we have been talking and she is similar but even more broken. Sad to see witness what it has done to her. She has compassion, usually only with regard to herself and her need to be seen as virtuous and she can be very charming, intelligent and display compassion for others, but she can flip real fast and become cruel and vile and unreasonable. I cannot reach her, she isn't there, lacks any accountability, total flake but perceives herself as above normal behaviour, special, unique. She drives everyone away as they will not conform to her inflated grandiose self image. Almost a Schizoid now through a lifetime of inability to attach and hurts herself and others. (Collapsed NPD's often go this way)
BPD usually have a unrealistic empathy are hypervigilant and many other negative traits but they have a much better chance to get treatment. DBT is very succesful at treating BPD. See Marsha Lineham i think is her name? She had BPD and developed this new DBT as a treatment modality. There are are other treatments too but this is the most effective.
Apparently it does not change the pathology internally but helps you to find more functional ways to absorb and behave in a more adult manner.
Hope that helped. 🤞🙏
If you have NPD the prognosis is much complicated, however you do seem to be attempting to do something about it so you probably haven't got NPD. Both NPD and BPD share some traits btw. I know NPD is a type of codependency as they need others to get supply, adulation, sex etc I think BPD is codependent too, they need to feel regulated by others. Neither have a core personality according to Kernberg. 🤞❤
@@paulturner9998thankyou for your reply. Alot to think about👍
Have you done any DBT?
Hi! It looks like this is the first talk in series - will the others be posted? Thanks for all your immense help on my healing journey!! 😊
There's no wa to logically figure them out, sorry..the one word is insanity!
Buffering!!! Whoa.
I could see my part in all the narcissistic relationships I've had, I believe you can't really make headway in your healing until you do understand your part in this nightmare dance... your kinda stuck in a trap until you do ..
I’ve observed that Narcissists seem to be more afraid of the paranormal adults should be?
37:40, 1:03:40 smokescreen
I may have to create an image based off that NPD structure 🗿🗿🗿🗿
It was a question
Excellent
🙏❤
I love u richard
Was just wondering if Sam vaknin was a replacement for your father do you think 🤔
Do you have a video that would describe/explain the body reacting (by shaking and trembling) when you are forced to communicate with your narc-ex?
I had that with my origin family and after ex
Can NPD occur after the age of 8 due to a tragic event
Evil is evil.
NPDs do kind of understand emotions and morality in fiction and in real life situations (on a superficial level), that's how they can manipulate others. They understand them as long as it doesn't involve them personally - that's where it falls apart! They don't have the capacity to look deep inside THEMSELVES.
Yes, they're copying fictional characters. They have no core self, no core values, no intimate connections with other human beings, nothing inside or around them that tell can them how to act or who they should become... They are able to accept "suggestions" only from fictional characters without getting a fetal dose of narcissistic injury.
You told your mate that the Elvis movie was great - he heard "my mate said the Elvis movie is great, Elvis is great, I have to become Elvis, I am now Elvis, so my mate likes me too". As soon as you cycle into the devaluation phase he will hear "Richard, that filthy b'stard said the Elvis movie is great, Elvis was a POS too, all music suck, I have to write a 10000 word angry comment about this film on Rotten Tomatoes - AND RICHARD MADE ME DO IT!!!".
P.S.: No amount of subconscious "conditioning" from you will transform a decent person into an ab'ser. Or a thief. Those who do not have the intention to steal from you or hurt you in any way to begin with... They will continue to have integrity and rather call you out for your weird behavior towards them. The others... Well, cluster Bs gonna cluster B, and blame all their actions on you "conditioning" them. :)
I would like see a feminist historical/material lens applied to this collective psyche framework on how gender influence a sense of entitlement/neurotic narcissism
To Be fair , iI don't have negative interjects
Fact
Great listening pleasure.
Have you thought about the role of monotheism in all of this?
___
Wasn't the death of animism and birth of monotheism the Great Dawn for such negative and positive injectors.. (?)
The time when monotheisms came on.
(In my view it was.
Two great "conspiracies" began..
Conspiracy against nature and conspiracy of narcissism.)
Where’s my comment?!
My Dear Richard Grannon, I have some bad news for you. Not only you, of course, all of us! You know that we are living in an illusion BECAUSE... let's start with the beginning. In the Paraphrase of Shem, it talks about this beginning.... there were three powers, or we could call them places? just to make it easier to understand. The top was Light and Sound, the middle was humble Spirit, the bottom was Darkness. There was no such thing as negative emotions or anything. Everything Original Creator or Source created was pure and good and lovely. Then the Darkness went crooked and thought it was the only one in existence, so it became arrogant. In order to rescue the Mind from Darkness because it was using Mind as its tool, and it was abusing it, so it needed to be taken away...so in order to do that... guess what? Derdekias went down to that pit, and it was brought up into the middle section which is the light of humble Spirit, and suddenly we have dark and light, two totally opposites. Now how in the world do you think anyone here could escape not being a narcissist with that type of arrangement.
Well, the good part is that, it's like a contest, and if you can endure it, you can have your personal individuality and Mind. But, we have to, like you are teaching to have do, be healthy rather than narcissistic, because everything crooked and negative will be thrown back down and this time it will be no more, because it goes into the lump it came from...and that where the destruction of that world happens, and no more death etc. because all that was the total contradiction of Life and Love and Goodness.
You see what I mean?
❤
👍👍👍
❤🙂💥
The fiction part. Omfg yes. I introduced anime. F me. I was a week short of getting f'd by Kakashi. literally. All the collectables, every inch of apt. Costumes. Masks, he loves masks
I don't think we train our partners to abuse us. I certainly do not. I had one bad marriage ..every other relationship has been good, my current friends and husband are very good people. Richard you are still lost in the cognitive dissonance ...THESE BAD RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT...pick a nice girl , one with empathy and honesty ...you are picking your father not creating him...get a new therapist