Of course! And everyone gets diarrhea sometimes too, but if it’s so often that it’s ruining your quality of life, and then you go to the doctor and they diagnose you with Crohn’s disease, you might wanna talk about your symptoms ☺️ If you don’t have AvPD, my videos might not be for you. 😂
@@anxious_and_avoidanthi, thanks for this video. I feel much less alone in the things I struggle with, like masking and telling small lies to avoid difficulties. I wanted to ask you if you could do a video about struggles with work and school and how you can cope or deal with these stressful environments and still get through it, and maybe a video about how your family dynamics is and how they deal with your mental state? Just ideas, but do what you’re comfortable with.
@@dumplingflatbread1919 hi ☺️ this disorder has kept me from being able to work a regular job for years, so I definitely am not recovered enough to have advice for that yet 😞 but I can certainly talk about it in a later video ❤️
I lie lots too. I also lie to get out of responsiblities and situations. My lies mostly come from toxic shame, which comes from childhood emotional neglect. I have low self esteem and unworthiness and I am basically ashamed of my whole life, which has been an excercise in futility, so I dont feel comfortable talking honestly about my life, and also, it would be a downer for others to listen to my negative views and problems so I feel like Its better if I stay silent of lie and say Im fine and everything is going great. This leads to staying stuck, which is bad, but its the best I can do at this time, so I am working on accepting and forgiving myself for being imperfect and completely maladapted.
!! Wow, yes -- I have felt it's easier to be authentic around strangers or online friends! This can be such a difficult conversation to have with yourself. I don't think I've ever admitted to being this way, beyond saying I have trouble with self-expression.
i have avpd and adhd as well and i relate a ton to what you expressed. especially the bit about feeling more comfortable opening up to strangers and feeling like things would be easier if you just had friends who know you well enough that you could feel comfortable simply expressing your genuine feelings and desires. my twin sister is pretty much the only person i have that with, and i feel really blessed to have that sort of relationship AT ALL, but at the same time i desperately want more friends and more people i can be my authentic self around :( i think the hardest part of having avpd is that we can only let our guard down and be our real selves around people we're REALLY close to, but actually getting really close to someone takes tons of time and an unbelievable amount of effort and it's hugely anxiety inducing. when i'm trying to form a relationship with someone and talking to them on even a semi-regular basis, every single interaction feels like i'm being hunted by a rabid bear, lmfao. it's exhausting. it isn't that we're weak or don't want genuine, close relationships with other people - it's just that the process of forming those relationships is UNBELIEVABLY exhausting and sooo stress and anxiety inducing. i think people without avpd honestly can't fathom what it's like. the worst part (or one of the worst parts) to me personally is being constantly misunderstood. people have this perception of us that we simply don't care, and that's why we avoid them or don't reach out or whatever, when it's really the exact opposite. we care SO MUCH. we care more than i think MOST people do, honestly - about how we're making other people feel by avoiding them, especially, and about what they think of us for our weird behavior and standoffishness. but that level of care is paralyzing. we're preoccupied with so much more than anyone realizes. it's impossible to explain to someone without avpd what it's like in a way that they understand. anyway, great video and it was really refreshing to listen to. it helps to know that i'm not alone, so thank you! and good for you for looking inward and trying to understand what you're dealing with, too! healing IS possible, but it's sooo hard, and i don't think it's possible alone. we definitely need each other
👏👏👏 so well said and all so true. I also have a sister who is the only person on this planet who knows the real me… I absolutely could not exist without her. ❤️🩹 Thank you
The truth is hard to face. You’re doing very well to not succumb to denial and deflection here. I also know it’s agonizing to own the darker things about ourselves but that is exactly how we grow. Owning my own shadow has been a searing trip down agony lane but it’s the healthiest thing I’ve ever done (and still do). I’m very proud of you 🙏
I agree that it is easiest around people who you are not going to see again, or where you know they do not really care enough to want to probe deeper. I have also learnt that we can be like the politicians and not always answer the question they ask. For example if people ask if you are doing well, or how you are, you can answer with something like, 'It is nice and sunny today, so that is good.' and most people are happy with an answer like that. This also means you can prepare answers in advance that fit with more questions. I find myself preparing a lot of answers for possible questions, and running through conversations ahead of time, and re running them afterwards too. Telling the truth is always the best thing, but how we say the truth, and the words we use can be very important. Thank you for being so honest and open. Not an easy thing to do.
Thanks for making these videos, I find them really relatable to my life. I find It's hard to be open and myself around the people that matter in my life compared to strangers, because their opinions mean so much more.
Girl… i’m also the same. I’m 26 and not happy with my life. I was supposed to end my studies many years ago and I couldn’t, the fear overtakes me and I don’t even dare to explain my insecurities properly to my teachers or other people. Instead I lie, all the things you described I did, and I do. I do have a coach that helps me maintain contact with the teachers but in the end I ended up liying to them too. It was about an email I had to send to start some exams…which I didn’t because I was afraid of the exams, of the teachers judging me. The couch deals with other people that have autism but I don’t think I was diagnosed nor tested for that… anyway. I want to come clean about this lie, and to be able tell her my constant struggle that I’ve been having, I think I can trust her but at the same time I’m extremely afraid of her reaction and her judgement. Only now have I realised the way I deal with this, truly deal with this, is what is hurting me the most. I cannot be honest about my fears, about my insecurities and someway or the other I think I can avoid them by living the normal life but they always come and I always deal with the same thing, lying. Then I become paranoid of the lie and what the people think of me and I have to maintain this mask, it’s horrible. It hurts my chest and I feel like I should be punished all the time.
Please keep sharing because I can relate totally I do this too . I'm 48 anxious depressed ptsd possibly borderline personality disorder. I lie often excuses is my middle name. I'm ashamed to admit that to friends even my family. They are naive to some of my actions. I lie to avoid responsibility, take accountability, or to protect those I love. Which I end up causing Chaos in relationships lost friends boyfriends I have minimized my whole life . I don't know how to fix me . I hate conflict and will do anything to keep things peaceful but that never ends up helping it blows up more. I to am genuinely a kind person with no ill intent or to be malicious. It truly is exhausting. Hang in there I'm here with you! ❤
Oh my gosh you mentioned something I didn’t even realize I do - lying to avoid responsibility! I’m so worried I’m going to mess something up I never want anything to be expected of me and will totally dodge all opportunities 😞😅 Thank you ❤️
@anxious_and_avoidant I'm glad I'm not alone because it's a lonely world inside my head. I literally get myself so worked up internally and beat myself up over doing these things . I just don't know how to stop. I went to a psychiatrist therapist psychologist councilor over the years however most times I went I was afraid to tell them everything I do or don't do and I didn't understand myself or know how to express myself. Now I'm older and I feel like I can explain my feelings a bit better now that times have changed the amount of info out here is helping me. I just want to be able to be ok and confident and as truthful as I can be without fear . Ugghh
As an avoidant person I can't force myself to be sociable with neighbours. Its too stressful! Years ago when I moved here some neighbours invited me over and clearly wanted me to do the usual social extrovert stuff (CRINGE!) I LIED and told them I had other plans etc etc. Eventually they must have figured out I was this oddball, unsociable LONER and I'm sure they resented me keeping to myself. VERY NON EXTROVERT!!! Now that I have the full picture of what made me AVOIDANT. When I moved here I had never even heard of Social Anxiety and such. I now have a brand new neighbour who came over to invite me to their place. A week ago I wrote them a LONG LETTER explaining how dysfunctional parents, childhood bullying and other trauma messed me up so I can't do social stuff. They know what no other neighbour has ever been told. I wonder what was their reaction to my letter? They have not said anything nor answered my letter so who knows? My own relatives know my story and NONE made any effort to understand so why would a total stranger?
Thanks for this. Its hard to put these things into words, especially the lies to get out of situations and lies by omission. Lol, and yes the point where you have to wonder: but am I really lying? 😂 I've been trying to not do the get out of situation lie anymore and just be authentic, but then I fear that people will think Im rude or worse push me into doing the thing. Ugh. Anxiety sucks
This is why I’m like ok maybe lying isn’t the worst… the worst is being rude and then saying “I’m just being honest” hahaha so yeah I don’t always know 😅
Thanks for sharing this! I can definitely relate. You are definitely doing a lot better than you think you’re doing! The fact that you made this completely honest and authentic video in order to HELP others that are going through the same thing speaks volumes about your true character! Remember that! ❤️🙂
Hi! I really wanted to thank you for making these videos, I have avpd myself and I can't imagine how scary it must be to make these videos. But i'm so grateful you did! I have only been diagnosed with it, for about 4 months now. But i'm certain I've had it for as long as I can remeber. It's really nice to know that someone understands what it is like. I also completely agree with you on the feeling of being more at ease around strangers, the closer i get to a person the more i want to distance myself. Which i just never understood, because everyone always talks about how you should feel more comfortable with people close to you and here i am feeling completely the opposite. I had this especially with public speaking, the teachers would say that i shouldn't worry because i only needed to present in front of my friends in the class, but i couldn't explain that i'd rather do it in front of a whole classroom of strangers. But to be honest i just rather not speak publicly at all tho😅 it's a really complex disorder, which just doesn't make sense for a lot of times it feels like, so again i'm really glad that i have finally found someone on the internet that has the same experiences. (Although i'd wish nobody had to have this disorder) Again thank you so much for these video's!😊🤍 (Sorry for the bad english, i'm dutch so thats why)
Your English was perfect. ☺️ Thank you for this comment I totally agree… the closer someone gets, the more I push them away. It’s so disappointing. ❤️🩹
@@anxious_and_avoidant Yeah exactly, it's so difficult because you also can't really explain the feeling to them, without being scared that they will take it personally. When in reality it has nothing to do with them. It's just really frustrating at times😣
Wow! 🤯 How did you do that, translate your exact emotions,thoughts & experiences so perfectly into words?! Man I wish I could do that! TY for your words of wisdom you are helping so many who can’t afford mental health, but desperately want to fix themselves or a loved one near & dear.
@@anxious_and_avoidant We are so lucky to be living in a time that has a supportive community through a platform called ‘social media’ as a way of bettering oneself. ( Hey! there’s a POSITIVE side to social media that you never hear!)🤣
IMO Your gift is in communicating on a therapeutic & much needed Youth Therapy level. Your experienced with these topics, having already ‘Gone Through It in middle school ,HS , college years, makes you invaluable. You are so relatable & extremely helpful in more ways most aren’t. LIFE EXPERIENCE COUNTS! ( I love talking to the elderly. Free wisdom!!!)
maybe your friends dont make you feel good ? it's common to have frenemies when u are avoidant, they love that dynamic. Try thinking about what personality cluster they are in; a,b or c.
Your videos are awesome. I think it takes a special kind of bravery for a human to display their vulnerabilities and your videos are so organized and consistent. Thank you.
I can't say with any certainty that I have AvPD (although I do relate to a lot of the symptoms), but this is definitely true for me. I wouldn't say I actively lie - I don't tell people things that aren't true - but lies of omission and minimizing are are my best friends in social situations. A few of my classmates that I'm relatively close with are bookworms, and I struggle to get myself to read even when I want to. Nonetheless, they'll trade book recs and author recs. I'll have no idea what they're talking about, but still be an active participant in the conversation both verbally and nonverbally. If one of them asks me if I've read/heard of the rec, I'd tell the truth and say no (or sometimes just a little), but tell them that it sounds interesting. Again, I have no clue what they're talking about. And even though we don't really share interests, I like these people, and I want to get to know them while we have classes together. I don't have any advice when it comes to not lying, but you're definitely not alone on that front. When it comes to opening up to strangers, I've noticed that for me it's easier to open up because when we walk away from the conversation my feelings aren't gonna dwell on their mind. With my friends or therapist they might worry about me; how I'm feeling might take up space in their mind and they could easily follow up with how I'm feeling later. With people I don't know that well, the way I'm feeling doesn't matter that much. I'm already a minor footnote in their life, so how I'm feeling isn't going to affect them in any way, and any follow-up is still socially expected to be casual.
Really interesting video and topic. I never heard anything like that before. Thank you for sharing. I don't want to hurt people so I sometimes say something nice, even if I don't actually think so. Like for example; if someone got a new haircut I could say it looks nice, even if I don't think so. I rather not say anything but sometimes the situation is like you have to. And even if I don"t like someone (at work for example) I will act like I do, especially if the person is new there. I want them to feel welcome even if I dont like them. And we all should be like a team. The problem can be like you describe then, that you can end up with someone you actually don't like. Well... it only happened for short periods of time in my case. And I would do it again because I feel it's rude to not be inviting to a new person. I think we all mirror eachother. I do a very strange thing; it's like I sometimes talk a bit like the other person. So annoying, because I don't want to. I feel like I try not to, but guess my brain wants me to adapt anyway and can't resist. Very strange! We are adapting to eachother to be a part of a group. In case we need help being a part of group keeps us protected. Maybe that instinct is extra strong in some.
@@KellenAdair Yes. I don't think I have a full disorder at all, but I see some of both avoidant and anxious in parts of my life (and also others). I find our brain and body very interesting. They interact all the time and I don't think we can separate them and think "it's just the mind" or "just the body". The body can go from stress to calm with help of the vagus nerve. The mind follows what the body tells it. There are easy ways that takes maybe one minute and you can find it on TH-cam if you find it interesting. I think it can help reducing some stress at least. In my case I have severe pain since many years. It stresses my body and the brain also gets some kind of alarming system going on, because of the fight and flight feelings in the body. Then I can't sleep and suddenly react very strange. The body and mind suddenly is anxious or nervous, even if I'm not. It can be in any situation. I can sit calm by myself at home and get a severe stress reaction, like if I was going up to preform in front of 20000 people or something. But I'm just at home by myself and having an attac when pain is getting worse. When it's a bit better, another hour of the day, I'm not having those emotions of anxiety or stress and feel normal again. So I guess there are different reasons why someone gets these emotions to begin with. I mean other types of anxiety can come from what we learned, for example as a child or in a realtion. And some comes from maybe a chemical inbalance. There is so much to learn. I feel that we, the animals and plants are adapted to fit eachother. It gets more and more interesting the more I learn. Often I find that we are normal but our environment these days isn't and that makes us react in a way that we think is strange. But if we look back we can find out that our reactions are extreamly smart and were there to help us survive. The modern society is probably the real problem in many cases, not these emotions and surviving mechanisms that helped us through thousands of years. They must have served a purpose.
lol @ your video caption 😂 In the past I’ve unfortunately attended my grandmother’s funeral twice 😞 She’s still alive and almost 100 so I didn’t jinx her luckily.
Living near 40 years in the American south, people have proven themselves, far more often than not, to be less than capably informed on how to recieve one being forthcoming with the nature of their psychiatric conditions. Also, in the south, there is a significant number of persons who are not only less than well informed on mental health, but outright disbelieve in its legitimacy, and insist that such conditions are moral failings of the individual, and not a medical problem. I've had family and friends show their true selves at my attempting to communicate my neurodivergence, and I believe what they've shown themselves to be: ableist bigots. Therefore, I believe myself to have sound moral ground on which to stand when I choose to be guarded with what I choose to share, and with whom, regarding my mental health. In this layperson's opinion, it's less of a "disorder" and more of a survival mechanism in this social context, given the hostility of the society of which I am a part of, and have next to zero hope of achieving escape velocity from, in my present indigent status.
I absolutely agree that these conditions are only a result of our societal expectations and environment. ❤️🩹 There’s no right or wrong answer, we do what we must to get by
Re: Strangers, the closer someone could be in terms of intimacy, the more firewalls necessary to keep them out.👀 Great job on honesty Also, lying is a habit that can be broken with dedication and repetition. 👍
i think when i talk to strangers, it's easier because they don't have expectations of me. they can't judge yet what's normal and what isn't. i tend to feel like my life is always too messy for people to see it yet, and usually that's been the case, but i'm realizing now that i just don't feel comfortable around most people. i think maybe taking stock of the groups in my life where i felt like i wasn't the focus of attention or i was able to just sit around and have a good chill time was the most helpful for me.
wow, I honestly feel like you're me and am so sad that we are so afraid of relationsips because I would love to be your friend! The only difference we seem to have is that your trauma was more bullying and mine was that my parents were hitting me (Perhaps the main reason why I have always lied so much). Other than that, I recognize myself so much in what you say and it's so comforting to hear someone my age going through the same stuff, even though it's a sad thing of course and I wish that wouldn't happen to us... I just watched another video of yours when you talked about work settings... I quit my job on the spot every month or two, and block my coworkers and boss (even if I liked them) just by fear of their negative reaction to me quitting... It's so disabling and I feel so much shame for being this way. I isolate and ghosted all of my friends. Nobody in my life would even think about doing the things I do like quitting jobs on the spot... That's why I know I have a real problem. Okay sorry for the long message haha but I needed to let you know how much your videos help me feel seen and less alone. Sorry for my imperfect english by the way!
The English was perfect ❤️🩹 thank you for your message, it means the world to me. I’m also sorry that you’re going through this but happy to have you here. Perhaps we can all learn and grow a little together. I’m lucky to have had parents that at least tried their best, even if they were far from perfect. After some time, I actually believe a relationship I had in my teens with a narcissistic adult man was the nail in the coffin for me… I plan to talk about that more in depth very soon. ❤️
@@anxious_and_avoidant Ohhh thank you for replying :)! I will be waiting for this new video for sure! I don't have money for therapy and listening to you does the job!😆💛
Hey, you are really brave. I don’t think telling white lies is abnormal per se it’s probably more of going to an extreme. To answer your question on if others experience being more comfortable being authentic with strangers or people who don’t really mean anything to you, I sway both ways. I have this weird thing where I’m overly grateful when I interact with random people. If I go through a drive through and get my frozen coffee that I love.. when the worker hands me my change or my straw before even giving me change or my card back or whatever lol I will keep saying thank you so much like they just gave my pet cpr or saved a child from drowning. It’s fucking weird but I keep noticing that I do that. A part of it feels like I automatically feel like a bother when this is seriously mundane and people just doing their jobs. Not sure if that’s an AVPD thing coming from being insecure or what. So I’m answering your question with a question lol.
I do thaaaat but to me I think it comes from the intersection of being a people pleaser in general and also just having worked shit jobs and wanting them to know I don’t take them for granted 😅 I’ve been known to tell customer service employees at any and all establishments “I appreciate you” which I think they sometimes feel awkward about 😅 but I really do want them to feel it hahahaha
At work, I used to hate being asked "What are your plans for the weekend?" I'd say all sorts of things, a trip to Amsterdam with "the lads', or something like that. The reality as it has been for all of my life, is just doing mundane things at home alone. These days, when asked, I just say I'm doing nothing. It doesn't bother me anymore and when other people's opinions matter less, you feel more comfortable with the plain and simple truth.
Admitting to my “friends” (most of which are moreso acquaintances) that spontaneous plans are off the table for me and I need time to mentally prepare felt so awkward at first but also so freeing, yeah. I still dont feel comfortable sharing my diagnosis with most, and I don’t think they’d be comfortable with that either, but wearing my “introvert” badge with honor seems to go over fine enough lol.
Yes 😬 it tracks so much and I want to talk about it but also avoid doing so because I haven’t been diagnosed and can’t get an assessment so it just 🤷🏻♀️ is likely but forever unofficial lol
I always blame the condition of ADHD which makes everything fall apart, when we are unable to complete a task because of poor motivation and planning it will make relationships with other people who interact with us become damaged, because we feel incompetent, in the end we develop an AVPD personality, anxious in socializing, avoiding because we are afraid of being insulted and criticized, which is actually the problem with our own brain which is problematic, not because it is really a coping mechanism, the AVPD personality pattern is like non-ADHD people. So I think the problem is more complex. controlling adhd conditions and also improving avpd patterns that contribute to his anxiety and depression. maybe with hypnotherapy? but I think if the condition of ADHD is left, AVPD cannot be cured... because the enemy is within ourselves which makes us AVPD.
OMG thank you SO MUCH 🥹. You’ve just verbalized my entire life’s struggle (just turned 40). I resonate with this feel like I have a new direction in seeking treatment.
Well, all you described are things that the majority of people do. 😂😂😂
Of course! And everyone gets diarrhea sometimes too, but if it’s so often that it’s ruining your quality of life, and then you go to the doctor and they diagnose you with Crohn’s disease, you might wanna talk about your symptoms ☺️ If you don’t have AvPD, my videos might not be for you. 😂
@@anxious_and_avoidanthi, thanks for this video. I feel much less alone in the things I struggle with, like masking and telling small lies to avoid difficulties. I wanted to ask you if you could do a video about struggles with work and school and how you can cope or deal with these stressful environments and still get through it, and maybe a video about how your family dynamics is and how they deal with your mental state? Just ideas, but do what you’re comfortable with.
@@dumplingflatbread1919 hi ☺️ this disorder has kept me from being able to work a regular job for years, so I definitely am not recovered enough to have advice for that yet 😞 but I can certainly talk about it in a later video ❤️
I lie lots too. I also lie to get out of responsiblities and situations. My lies mostly come from toxic shame, which comes from childhood emotional neglect. I have low self esteem and unworthiness and I am basically ashamed of my whole life, which has been an excercise in futility, so I dont feel comfortable talking honestly about my life, and also, it would be a downer for others to listen to my negative views and problems so I feel like Its better if I stay silent of lie and say Im fine and everything is going great. This leads to staying stuck, which is bad, but its the best I can do at this time, so I am working on accepting and forgiving myself for being imperfect and completely maladapted.
!! Wow, yes -- I have felt it's easier to be authentic around strangers or online friends! This can be such a difficult conversation to have with yourself. I don't think I've ever admitted to being this way, beyond saying I have trouble with self-expression.
i have avpd and adhd as well and i relate a ton to what you expressed. especially the bit about feeling more comfortable opening up to strangers and feeling like things would be easier if you just had friends who know you well enough that you could feel comfortable simply expressing your genuine feelings and desires. my twin sister is pretty much the only person i have that with, and i feel really blessed to have that sort of relationship AT ALL, but at the same time i desperately want more friends and more people i can be my authentic self around :(
i think the hardest part of having avpd is that we can only let our guard down and be our real selves around people we're REALLY close to, but actually getting really close to someone takes tons of time and an unbelievable amount of effort and it's hugely anxiety inducing. when i'm trying to form a relationship with someone and talking to them on even a semi-regular basis, every single interaction feels like i'm being hunted by a rabid bear, lmfao. it's exhausting. it isn't that we're weak or don't want genuine, close relationships with other people - it's just that the process of forming those relationships is UNBELIEVABLY exhausting and sooo stress and anxiety inducing. i think people without avpd honestly can't fathom what it's like.
the worst part (or one of the worst parts) to me personally is being constantly misunderstood. people have this perception of us that we simply don't care, and that's why we avoid them or don't reach out or whatever, when it's really the exact opposite. we care SO MUCH. we care more than i think MOST people do, honestly - about how we're making other people feel by avoiding them, especially, and about what they think of us for our weird behavior and standoffishness. but that level of care is paralyzing. we're preoccupied with so much more than anyone realizes. it's impossible to explain to someone without avpd what it's like in a way that they understand.
anyway, great video and it was really refreshing to listen to. it helps to know that i'm not alone, so thank you! and good for you for looking inward and trying to understand what you're dealing with, too! healing IS possible, but it's sooo hard, and i don't think it's possible alone. we definitely need each other
👏👏👏 so well said and all so true. I also have a sister who is the only person on this planet who knows the real me… I absolutely could not exist without her. ❤️🩹 Thank you
The truth is hard to face. You’re doing very well to not succumb to denial and deflection here. I also know it’s agonizing to own the darker things about ourselves but that is exactly how we grow. Owning my own shadow has been a searing trip down agony lane but it’s the healthiest thing I’ve ever done (and still do). I’m very proud of you 🙏
Thank you 🥹❤️
I agree that it is easiest around people who you are not going to see again, or where you know they do not really care enough to want to probe deeper. I have also learnt that we can be like the politicians and not always answer the question they ask. For example if people ask if you are doing well, or how you are, you can answer with something like, 'It is nice and sunny today, so that is good.' and most people are happy with an answer like that. This also means you can prepare answers in advance that fit with more questions.
I find myself preparing a lot of answers for possible questions, and running through conversations ahead of time, and re running them afterwards too.
Telling the truth is always the best thing, but how we say the truth, and the words we use can be very important.
Thank you for being so honest and open. Not an easy thing to do.
Thanks for making these videos, I find them really relatable to my life.
I find It's hard to be open and myself around the people that matter in my life compared to strangers, because their opinions mean so much more.
Girl… i’m also the same. I’m 26 and not happy with my life. I was supposed to end my studies many years ago and I couldn’t, the fear overtakes me and I don’t even dare to explain my insecurities properly to my teachers or other people. Instead I lie, all the things you described I did, and I do.
I do have a coach that helps me maintain contact with the teachers but in the end I ended up liying to them too. It was about an email I had to send to start some exams…which I didn’t because I was afraid of the exams, of the teachers judging me. The couch deals with other people that have autism but I don’t think I was diagnosed nor tested for that… anyway.
I want to come clean about this lie, and to be able tell her my constant struggle that I’ve been having, I think I can trust her but at the same time I’m extremely afraid of her reaction and her judgement. Only now have I realised the way I deal with this, truly deal with this, is what is hurting me the most.
I cannot be honest about my fears, about my insecurities and someway or the other I think I can avoid them by living the normal life but they always come and I always deal with the same thing, lying. Then I become paranoid of the lie and what the people think of me and I have to maintain this mask, it’s horrible. It hurts my chest and I feel like I should be punished all the time.
Please keep sharing because I can relate totally I do this too . I'm 48 anxious depressed ptsd possibly borderline personality disorder. I lie often excuses is my middle name. I'm ashamed to admit that to friends even my family. They are naive to some of my actions. I lie to avoid responsibility, take accountability, or to protect those I love. Which I end up causing Chaos in relationships lost friends boyfriends I have minimized my whole life . I don't know how to fix me . I hate conflict and will do anything to keep things peaceful but that never ends up helping it blows up more. I to am genuinely a kind person with no ill intent or to be malicious. It truly is exhausting. Hang in there I'm here with you! ❤
Oh my gosh you mentioned something I didn’t even realize I do - lying to avoid responsibility! I’m so worried I’m going to mess something up I never want anything to be expected of me and will totally dodge all opportunities 😞😅 Thank you ❤️
@anxious_and_avoidant I'm glad I'm not alone because it's a lonely world inside my head. I literally get myself so worked up internally and beat myself up over doing these things . I just don't know how to stop. I went to a psychiatrist therapist psychologist councilor over the years however most times I went I was afraid to tell them everything I do or don't do and I didn't understand myself or know how to express myself. Now I'm older and I feel like I can explain my feelings a bit better now that times have changed the amount of info out here is helping me. I just want to be able to be ok and confident and as truthful as I can be without fear . Ugghh
As an avoidant person I can't force myself to be sociable with neighbours. Its too stressful!
Years ago when I moved here some neighbours invited me over and clearly wanted me to do the usual social extrovert stuff (CRINGE!)
I LIED and told them I had other plans etc etc. Eventually they must have figured out I was this oddball, unsociable LONER and I'm sure they resented me keeping to myself. VERY NON EXTROVERT!!!
Now that I have the full picture of what made me AVOIDANT. When I moved here I had never even heard of Social Anxiety and such.
I now have a brand new neighbour who came over to invite me to their place.
A week ago I wrote them a LONG LETTER explaining how dysfunctional parents, childhood bullying and other trauma messed me up so I can't do social stuff.
They know what no other neighbour has ever been told.
I wonder what was their reaction to my letter?
They have not said anything nor answered my letter so who knows?
My own relatives know my story and NONE made any effort to understand so why would a total stranger?
Thanks for this. Its hard to put these things into words, especially the lies to get out of situations and lies by omission. Lol, and yes the point where you have to wonder: but am I really lying? 😂
I've been trying to not do the get out of situation lie anymore and just be authentic, but then I fear that people will think Im rude or worse push me into doing the thing. Ugh. Anxiety sucks
This is why I’m like ok maybe lying isn’t the worst… the worst is being rude and then saying “I’m just being honest” hahaha so yeah I don’t always know 😅
Thanks for sharing this! I can definitely relate. You are definitely doing a lot better than you think you’re doing! The fact that you made this completely honest and authentic video in order to HELP others that are going through the same thing speaks volumes about your true character! Remember that! ❤️🙂
Thank you for helping me, what you are saying makes it easier to understand what I have been living with all my life.
Hi!
I really wanted to thank you for making these videos, I have avpd myself and I can't imagine how scary it must be to make these videos. But i'm so grateful you did! I have only been diagnosed with it, for about 4 months now. But i'm certain I've had it for as long as I can remeber. It's really nice to know that someone understands what it is like. I also completely agree with you on the feeling of being more at ease around strangers, the closer i get to a person the more i want to distance myself. Which i just never understood, because everyone always talks about how you should feel more comfortable with people close to you and here i am feeling completely the opposite. I had this especially with public speaking, the teachers would say that i shouldn't worry because i only needed to present in front of my friends in the class, but i couldn't explain that i'd rather do it in front of a whole classroom of strangers. But to be honest i just rather not speak publicly at all tho😅 it's a really complex disorder, which just doesn't make sense for a lot of times it feels like, so again i'm really glad that i have finally found someone on the internet that has the same experiences. (Although i'd wish nobody had to have this disorder)
Again thank you so much for these video's!😊🤍
(Sorry for the bad english, i'm dutch so thats why)
Your English was perfect. ☺️ Thank you for this comment I totally agree… the closer someone gets, the more I push them away. It’s so disappointing. ❤️🩹
@@anxious_and_avoidant Yeah exactly, it's so difficult because you also can't really explain the feeling to them, without being scared that they will take it personally. When in reality it has nothing to do with them. It's just really frustrating at times😣
Wow! 🤯 How did you do that, translate your exact emotions,thoughts & experiences so perfectly into words?! Man I wish I could do that! TY for your words of wisdom you are helping so many who can’t afford mental health, but desperately want to fix themselves or a loved one near & dear.
Thank you because it’s so mutual 😂😭❤️🩹 I would be having these conversations with therapists if I could afford to hahahahah
@@anxious_and_avoidant We are so lucky to be living in a time that has a supportive community through a platform called ‘social media’ as a way of bettering oneself. ( Hey! there’s a POSITIVE side to social media that you never hear!)🤣
@@soozshooz truly a blessing and a curse hahahaha
IMO Your gift is in communicating on a therapeutic & much needed Youth Therapy level.
Your experienced with these topics, having already ‘Gone Through It in middle school ,HS , college years, makes you invaluable.
You are so relatable & extremely helpful in more ways most aren’t. LIFE EXPERIENCE COUNTS!
( I love talking to the elderly. Free wisdom!!!)
so true & wise, @@soozshooz
Im so glad this is the topic- i was literally just journaling about this yesterday and thought "no waaaay" lol
maybe your friends dont make you feel good ? it's common to have frenemies when u are avoidant, they love that dynamic. Try thinking about what personality cluster they are in; a,b or c.
see Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
Thank you for the video! And thank you for sharing! I'm anxious too. I can relate all these reasons.
You have courage. Thank you for posting this.
Your videos are awesome. I think it takes a special kind of bravery for a human to display their vulnerabilities and your videos are so organized and consistent. Thank you.
Thank you so much 🥹🫶
I can't say with any certainty that I have AvPD (although I do relate to a lot of the symptoms), but this is definitely true for me. I wouldn't say I actively lie - I don't tell people things that aren't true - but lies of omission and minimizing are are my best friends in social situations. A few of my classmates that I'm relatively close with are bookworms, and I struggle to get myself to read even when I want to. Nonetheless, they'll trade book recs and author recs. I'll have no idea what they're talking about, but still be an active participant in the conversation both verbally and nonverbally. If one of them asks me if I've read/heard of the rec, I'd tell the truth and say no (or sometimes just a little), but tell them that it sounds interesting. Again, I have no clue what they're talking about. And even though we don't really share interests, I like these people, and I want to get to know them while we have classes together. I don't have any advice when it comes to not lying, but you're definitely not alone on that front.
When it comes to opening up to strangers, I've noticed that for me it's easier to open up because when we walk away from the conversation my feelings aren't gonna dwell on their mind. With my friends or therapist they might worry about me; how I'm feeling might take up space in their mind and they could easily follow up with how I'm feeling later. With people I don't know that well, the way I'm feeling doesn't matter that much. I'm already a minor footnote in their life, so how I'm feeling isn't going to affect them in any way, and any follow-up is still socially expected to be casual.
Really interesting video and topic. I never heard anything like that before. Thank you for sharing. I don't want to hurt people so I sometimes say something nice, even if I don't actually think so. Like for example; if someone got a new haircut I could say it looks nice, even if I don't think so. I rather not say anything but sometimes the situation is like you have to. And even if I don"t like someone (at work for example) I will act like I do, especially if the person is new there. I want them to feel welcome even if I dont like them. And we all should be like a team. The problem can be like you describe then, that you can end up with someone you actually don't like. Well... it only happened for short periods of time in my case. And I would do it again because I feel it's rude to not be inviting to a new person. I think we all mirror eachother. I do a very strange thing; it's like I sometimes talk a bit like the other person. So annoying, because I don't want to. I feel like I try not to, but guess my brain wants me to adapt anyway and can't resist. Very strange! We are adapting to eachother to be a part of a group. In case we need help being a part of group keeps us protected. Maybe that instinct is extra strong in some.
Like, being around an accent - a liitle too long.
@@KellenAdair Yes. I don't think I have a full disorder at all, but I see some of both avoidant and anxious in parts of my life (and also others). I find our brain and body very interesting. They interact all the time and I don't think we can separate them and think "it's just the mind" or "just the body". The body can go from stress to calm with help of the vagus nerve. The mind follows what the body tells it. There are easy ways that takes maybe one minute and you can find it on TH-cam if you find it interesting. I think it can help reducing some stress at least. In my case I have severe pain since many years. It stresses my body and the brain also gets some kind of alarming system going on, because of the fight and flight feelings in the body. Then I can't sleep and suddenly react very strange. The body and mind suddenly is anxious or nervous, even if I'm not. It can be in any situation. I can sit calm by myself at home and get a severe stress reaction, like if I was going up to preform in front of 20000 people or something. But I'm just at home by myself and having an attac when pain is getting worse. When it's a bit better, another hour of the day, I'm not having those emotions of anxiety or stress and feel normal again. So I guess there are different reasons why someone gets these emotions to begin with. I mean other types of anxiety can come from what we learned, for example as a child or in a realtion. And some comes from maybe a chemical inbalance. There is so much to learn. I feel that we, the animals and plants are adapted to fit eachother. It gets more and more interesting the more I learn. Often I find that we are normal but our environment these days isn't and that makes us react in a way that we think is strange. But if we look back we can find out that our reactions are extreamly smart and were there to help us survive. The modern society is probably the real problem in many cases, not these emotions and surviving mechanisms that helped us through thousands of years. They must have served a purpose.
My cousin is lost at sea. I nearly spit out my soup, lol.
You make it so funny and relatable, thank you! I have schizoid PD, which is very similar :)
lol @ your video caption 😂
In the past I’ve unfortunately attended my grandmother’s funeral twice 😞
She’s still alive and almost 100 so I didn’t jinx her luckily.
Living near 40 years in the American south, people have proven themselves, far more often than not, to be less than capably informed on how to recieve one being forthcoming with the nature of their psychiatric conditions. Also, in the south, there is a significant number of persons who are not only less than well informed on mental health, but outright disbelieve in its legitimacy, and insist that such conditions are moral failings of the individual, and not a medical problem. I've had family and friends show their true selves at my attempting to communicate my neurodivergence, and I believe what they've shown themselves to be: ableist bigots. Therefore, I believe myself to have sound moral ground on which to stand when I choose to be guarded with what I choose to share, and with whom, regarding my mental health. In this layperson's opinion, it's less of a "disorder" and more of a survival mechanism in this social context, given the hostility of the society of which I am a part of, and have next to zero hope of achieving escape velocity from, in my present indigent status.
I absolutely agree that these conditions are only a result of our societal expectations and environment. ❤️🩹 There’s no right or wrong answer, we do what we must to get by
Re: Strangers, the closer someone could be in terms of intimacy, the more firewalls necessary to keep them out.👀 Great job on honesty Also, lying is a habit that can be broken with dedication and repetition. 👍
This is way too relatable, oh no.
i think when i talk to strangers, it's easier because they don't have expectations of me. they can't judge yet what's normal and what isn't. i tend to feel like my life is always too messy for people to see it yet, and usually that's been the case, but i'm realizing now that i just don't feel comfortable around most people. i think maybe taking stock of the groups in my life where i felt like i wasn't the focus of attention or i was able to just sit around and have a good chill time was the most helpful for me.
wow, I honestly feel like you're me and am so sad that we are so afraid of relationsips because I would love to be your friend! The only difference we seem to have is that your trauma was more bullying and mine was that my parents were hitting me (Perhaps the main reason why I have always lied so much). Other than that, I recognize myself so much in what you say and it's so comforting to hear someone my age going through the same stuff, even though it's a sad thing of course and I wish that wouldn't happen to us...
I just watched another video of yours when you talked about work settings... I quit my job on the spot every month or two, and block my coworkers and boss (even if I liked them) just by fear of their negative reaction to me quitting... It's so disabling and I feel so much shame for being this way. I isolate and ghosted all of my friends. Nobody in my life would even think about doing the things I do like quitting jobs on the spot... That's why I know I have a real problem. Okay sorry for the long message haha but I needed to let you know how much your videos help me feel seen and less alone.
Sorry for my imperfect english by the way!
The English was perfect ❤️🩹 thank you for your message, it means the world to me. I’m also sorry that you’re going through this but happy to have you here. Perhaps we can all learn and grow a little together.
I’m lucky to have had parents that at least tried their best, even if they were far from perfect. After some time, I actually believe a relationship I had in my teens with a narcissistic adult man was the nail in the coffin for me… I plan to talk about that more in depth very soon. ❤️
@@anxious_and_avoidant Ohhh thank you for replying :)! I will be waiting for this new video for sure! I don't have money for therapy and listening to you does the job!😆💛
@@vickyauger2576 that’s exactly why I make videos too 😂 my therapy substitute hahahahahah
Hey, you are really brave. I don’t think telling white lies is abnormal per se it’s probably more of going to an extreme. To answer your question on if others experience being more comfortable being authentic with strangers or people who don’t really mean anything to you, I sway both ways. I have this weird thing where I’m overly grateful when I interact with random people. If I go through a drive through and get my frozen coffee that I love.. when the worker hands me my change or my straw before even giving me change or my card back or whatever lol I will keep saying thank you so much like they just gave my pet cpr or saved a child from drowning. It’s fucking weird but I keep noticing that I do that. A part of it feels like I automatically feel like a bother when this is seriously mundane and people just doing their jobs. Not sure if that’s an AVPD thing coming from being insecure or what. So I’m answering your question with a question lol.
I do thaaaat but to me I think it comes from the intersection of being a people pleaser in general and also just having worked shit jobs and wanting them to know I don’t take them for granted 😅 I’ve been known to tell customer service employees at any and all establishments “I appreciate you” which I think they sometimes feel awkward about 😅 but I really do want them to feel it hahahaha
Haha! My new awkward sentence in these instances is usually “hope your shift goes by fast.” I appreciate you works too though. I’m borrowing that.
At work, I used to hate being asked "What are your plans for the weekend?" I'd say all sorts of things, a trip to Amsterdam with "the lads', or something like that. The reality as it has been for all of my life, is just doing mundane things at home alone. These days, when asked, I just say I'm doing nothing. It doesn't bother me anymore and when other people's opinions matter less, you feel more comfortable with the plain and simple truth.
Admitting to my “friends” (most of which are moreso acquaintances) that spontaneous plans are off the table for me and I need time to mentally prepare felt so awkward at first but also so freeing, yeah. I still dont feel comfortable sharing my diagnosis with most, and I don’t think they’d be comfortable with that either, but wearing my “introvert” badge with honor seems to go over fine enough lol.
have you looked into PDA autism?
Yes 😬 it tracks so much and I want to talk about it but also avoid doing so because I haven’t been diagnosed and can’t get an assessment so it just 🤷🏻♀️ is likely but forever unofficial lol
I'm so afraid I will let people down if I am myself...
Me too sister 😭 and its a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the fear leads us to let people down 😞❤️🩹
I always blame the condition of ADHD which makes everything fall apart, when we are unable to complete a task because of poor motivation and planning it will make relationships with other people who interact with us become damaged, because we feel incompetent, in the end we develop an AVPD personality, anxious in socializing, avoiding because we are afraid of being insulted and criticized, which is actually the problem with our own brain which is problematic, not because it is really a coping mechanism, the AVPD personality pattern is like non-ADHD people. So I think the problem is more complex. controlling adhd conditions and also improving avpd patterns that contribute to his anxiety and depression. maybe with hypnotherapy? but I think if the condition of ADHD is left, AVPD cannot be cured... because the enemy is within ourselves which makes us AVPD.
But i dont believe I have an adhd.. My psychi don't say I have it but my condition like a personality disorder
OMG thank you SO MUCH 🥹. You’ve just verbalized my entire life’s struggle (just turned 40). I resonate with this feel like I have a new direction in seeking treatment.