I think I like to go into blame and anger, not so much into hurt and sadness. I also think that I am isolating and have hard time opening up in the meetings. Sometimes I worry that If I would start, there would be no end to the amount of sadness and that would overburden others and I will be rejected or labeled insane/not understood. I am not sure what is the compromise here. Thanks for your materials. As an ACoA myself, I need to hear more calls to action instead of just reading about it.
The Loving Parent Guidebook (LPG) would define the blame and anger as coming from the inner teen. This is a means of protecting the inner child from feeling the pain and loss embedded in your soul. The solution is to become your own loving parent... Developing and strengthening your loving parent is key to healing your inner child. I know your struggle is real and shared by so many. I heard this definition of "forgiveness" the other day that really resonated with me. Maybe your loving parent can hear this and give comfort to your hurting inner child: Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that your past will turn out better than it did. The past will never turnout better than it did, but that doesn't mean you can enjoy and embellish your life today.
I’d say, “Start small” regarding sharing. Try and share at least once every meeting and your progress will build up. FYI: I just went to my second meeting but am used to small groups in other settings.
I can't stand this guy. He is one of those therapist that has no clue. Too judgemental. I won't be subscribing. He is looking for perfect shares. He's highly offensive and uses the 12 step mask. He isn't helping me. Last time I'll tune in yo this channel.
" We light ourselves on fire, to keep others warm." Delightful... ...something I used to say- allied to this idea- is this:- "I hit myself over the head with a brick wall."
Thank you Ken! I am so glad that you mention these "small" things like being able to say no to someone without feeling guilty (or scared of being abandoned or punished in some way).
Thank you for saying all the things I have been telling my family for years. They ignore me, yell at me, insult me and abuse me. How do you make an ACA person stop abuse and take accountability for their bad behavior they learned from their alcoholic/drug abusers childhood family
Always refer to ACA Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me. 🙏
Thanks for the advice. It is terrible to live with a ACA person and to be compassion , understanding, and forgiving when the ACA person repeats and abuses constantly.
Becoming our own loving parent is only the half of solution. It cannot be complete solution - since the problem is also found in external environment. When we feel unlovable - we feel this because of external ambient and external factors which are totally outside of our control - we cannot fix them by fixing our mind and nitpicking our emotions nor thoughts. IF we believe in CBT approach that we are "weak" if we feel unlovable and imperfect and that we must be "strong" - we will develop personality disorder - because we will start to believe that we are responsible for things which are totally outside of our control such as 1) abusive people/unfavorable power dynamics and 2) socio-economic issues. When we are in unfair settings and when we do not have money - there is nothing that we can do to fix abusive people by becoming loving. In unfavorable power dynamics we won't be allowed to express ourselves, instead we will be punished for it, as in dysfunctional childhood. If we believe that our natural reactions to abusive toxic people is our fault and if we believe that because we feel panic and toxic shame is our fault and responsibility - something that we are not allowed to feel and if we believe that we must feel happy and chirpy when we are in abusive toxic poverty settings and surrounded by covert psychopaths of all kinds - we won't become loving at all. We will become codependent on toxic people who abuse us and control us via all sorts of psychopathic narcissistic tools: coercive control, punishment, pathological lying, gaslighting, hoovering, hovering, discard phases, honeymoon phases. When we believe that we are problem when we feel scared, panicked and in anxiety mode - and that feeling uncomfortable feelings is sickness and abnormality that must be denied and suppressed for the sake of being "enlightened" - we will develop severe mental illness: delusional. We won't be able to process information and see reality as it is. Then instead of making healthy decisions, we will start to make all kinds of excused for toxic people and stay stuck in toxic ambient. We cannot make healthy decisions if we believe that we are abnormal for feeling negative and uncomfortable feelings. When we fuse our emotions and feelings with our self worth - that is called Thought Action Fusion - and this is mental illness - when we feel bad, panicked and scared - we automatically think we are bad person for it. This abnormality in thinking is programmed in dysfunctional alcoholic ambient in childhood by abuser, someone who was untreated mentally ill. When we feel alone, when we think in panic mode, when we blame narcissistic people, when we don't open, when we don't write, when we don't talk - this is NOT our fault. This stems from toxic ambient as much as it stems from our immobility. So loving ourselves actually is paradox - it means accepting our dysfunctional ego defense mechanisms as much as our proud achievements in life. Loving ourselves means paradoxically accepting ourselves as we are. Loving ourselves does not mean that we put conditional acceptance - where we divide working and functional parts of ourselves and then we push down, deny and punish and ashame parts of ourselves which are not working at the moment and are totally dysfunctional. Quotes to consider: Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER: The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER: The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering. "Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame" Peter Levine Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.” Defend Survivors, TWITTER: Survivors don’t need anyone else telling them what the ‘should do’ or ‘have to do’ to heal. The last thing they need is someone else trying to control them again. Survivors need to know they are in control and that they are the experts in their experience and healing. Defend Survivors, TWITTER: There are so many “positive” messages that are aimed to inspire and help survivors. But when you really listen to these messages, they often guilt or blame survivors for either how they responded to the abuse, or for how they are healing now. Make sure the messages you share with survivors are honoring and respecting them, their courage, and their choices.
Unique pieces of wisdom speak differently to each of us. I believe The Solution helps us address our environment by giving us the empowerment to change it.
@@TheIntimacyGram To believe we can change other people is called Fallacy of change. It is morally and ethically wrong to manipulate and control other people. That is Coercive Control - and it is even considered criminal act in some states. Also, narcissists will never change. To believe we can magically fix psychopaths leads to codependency and being stuck in fantasy belief that we are Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle with never-ending drama.
@@TheIntimacyGram In Coercive control and unfavorable power dynamics we have no choice and it is abusive to ourselves to torture ourselves with fantasy belief that we have any kind of choice.
That begs the question of how one 'finds' such a tribe. My experience with fellowship has been the only guarantee is you go through a formality of meetings and associated ritual together, superficial or possibly dysfunctional if there's more involvement beyond using it as an audience for shares when people may not even hear you, a collective monologue - sometimes longer than others if it's a speaker share.
That's an awesome question that you most likely share with many! ACA offers several paths to help you grow into your own Loving Parent: The Big Red Book, the Yellow step book, and the Loving Parent Guidebook. You don't need to do this alone and it is not a race. I always suggest finding a sponsor or fellow traveler who emulates a loving parent/surrogate mother or father to help guide you through the process. Pace yourself as you learn to be gentle on yourself. As the ACA Solution reads, we do this process through gentleness, love, humor, and respect.
The sentiment is nice, but obviously we are more impressionable when we were children, and trying to recondition oneself as an adult is not going to have the same effect not to mention it was a long process. So not only are we less impressionable now it took a long time to be conditioned as we are now so it would presumably take even longer, all things being equal. I can have more faith if the therapist had more of an intellectual rigor in their work, and as far as recovery fellowships go I have not seen that rigor at all, even if they are well-meaning and do a lot of inventory and other work within the predefined outlines of literature. There are some simple things like this that can be addressed on a logical and rational level, whether it will I am not sure.
Now you are talking science; where memories are stored in the brain and the power of neuroplasticity. New psychotherapies address these concepts. Remember that ACA is a 12 Step Fellowship. Therapy is a needed adjunct for several people who need more than what they can get from a 12 Step program.
“There is a sting to it.” Such an important thing to acknowledge & normalize & validate.
Absolutely!
This acronym for fear is an important tool to remember: Face Everything And Recover
I needed to hear "we need a certain level of discomfort to grow", thank you!
I think I like to go into blame and anger, not so much into hurt and sadness.
I also think that I am isolating and have hard time opening up in the meetings. Sometimes I worry that If I would start, there would be no end to the amount of sadness and that would overburden others and I will be rejected or labeled insane/not understood. I am not sure what is the compromise here.
Thanks for your materials. As an ACoA myself, I need to hear more calls to action instead of just reading about it.
The Loving Parent Guidebook (LPG) would define the blame and anger as coming from the inner teen. This is a means of protecting the inner child from feeling the pain and loss embedded in your soul. The solution is to become your own loving parent... Developing and strengthening your loving parent is key to healing your inner child.
I know your struggle is real and shared by so many. I heard this definition of "forgiveness" the other day that really resonated with me. Maybe your loving parent can hear this and give comfort to your hurting inner child: Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that your past will turn out better than it did.
The past will never turnout better than it did, but that doesn't mean you can enjoy and embellish your life today.
I’d say, “Start small” regarding sharing. Try and share at least once every meeting and your progress will build up. FYI: I just went to my second meeting but am used to small groups in other settings.
I relate to this, just saying. No advice but I just took the plunge ❤
I can't stand this guy. He is one of those therapist that has no clue. Too judgemental. I won't be subscribing. He is looking for perfect shares. He's highly offensive and uses the 12 step mask. He isn't helping me. Last time I'll tune in yo this channel.
" We light ourselves on fire, to keep others warm." Delightful... ...something I used to say- allied to this idea- is this:- "I hit myself over the head with a brick wall."
woow so well said
Thank you Ken! I am so glad that you mention these "small" things like being able to say no to someone without feeling guilty (or scared of being abandoned or punished in some way).
It's hard to remember and harder to do. But remember NO, is a complete answer and requires no other explanation to anyone.
@@kennethstewart7924 So true!
My favourite reading across all 12 step fellowships.
It's like giving yourself a BIG warm (((HUG))). 🥰🤗👍♥️♥️♥️
Great video!
Thank you!
Great job Ken!! Got a lot out of this video! And loved “My Solution” ❤
Awesome! Thank you! :-)
Thank you.
I like and agree with all ! Doing acoa since 2023 August changed my whole being 😊 thanks for your share
Congratulations!!! 🎈😊👍
Thanks Ken. Great explanation and very clear
Thank you for saying all the things I have been telling my family for years. They ignore me, yell at me, insult me and abuse me. How do you make an ACA person stop abuse and take accountability for their bad behavior they learned from their alcoholic/drug abusers childhood family
Always refer to ACA Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
🙏
Great video, thank you!!
Yeah Ken! Thanks
That's a groovy couch, but seriously, thank you for putting this information out there
Thanks for the advice. It is terrible to live with a ACA person and to be compassion , understanding, and forgiving when the ACA person repeats and abuses constantly.
It's OK to lower your expectations (without lowering your standards).
We go from hurting to healing to helping- In that order-
I like that!
Pace yourself in the healing process, there is a sting! Nurture yourself with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
Becoming our own loving parent is only the half of solution.
It cannot be complete solution - since the problem is also found in external environment.
When we feel unlovable - we feel this because of external ambient and external factors which are totally outside of our control - we cannot fix them by fixing our mind and nitpicking our emotions nor thoughts.
IF we believe in CBT approach that we are "weak" if we feel unlovable and imperfect and that we must be "strong" - we will develop personality disorder - because we will start to believe that we are responsible for things which are totally outside of our control such as 1) abusive people/unfavorable power dynamics and 2) socio-economic issues.
When we are in unfair settings and when we do not have money - there is nothing that we can do to fix abusive people by becoming loving. In unfavorable power dynamics we won't be allowed to express ourselves, instead we will be punished for it, as in dysfunctional childhood. If we believe that our natural reactions to abusive toxic people is our fault and if we believe that because we feel panic and toxic shame is our fault and responsibility - something that we are not allowed to feel and if we believe that we must feel happy and chirpy when we are in abusive toxic poverty settings and surrounded by covert psychopaths of all kinds - we won't become loving at all. We will become codependent on toxic people who abuse us and control us via all sorts of psychopathic narcissistic tools: coercive control, punishment, pathological lying, gaslighting, hoovering, hovering, discard phases, honeymoon phases.
When we believe that we are problem when we feel scared, panicked and in anxiety mode - and that feeling uncomfortable feelings is sickness and abnormality that must be denied and suppressed for the sake of being "enlightened" - we will develop severe mental illness: delusional. We won't be able to process information and see reality as it is. Then instead of making healthy decisions, we will start to make all kinds of excused for toxic people and stay stuck in toxic ambient.
We cannot make healthy decisions if we believe that we are abnormal for feeling negative and uncomfortable feelings.
When we fuse our emotions and feelings with our self worth - that is called Thought Action Fusion - and this is mental illness - when we feel bad, panicked and scared - we automatically think we are bad person for it. This abnormality in thinking is programmed in dysfunctional alcoholic ambient in childhood by abuser, someone who was untreated mentally ill.
When we feel alone, when we think in panic mode, when we blame narcissistic people, when we don't open, when we don't write, when we don't talk - this is NOT our fault. This stems from toxic ambient as much as it stems from our immobility.
So loving ourselves actually is paradox - it means accepting our dysfunctional ego defense mechanisms as much as our proud achievements in life.
Loving ourselves means paradoxically accepting ourselves as we are.
Loving ourselves does not mean that we put conditional acceptance - where we divide working and functional parts of ourselves and then we push down, deny and punish and ashame parts of ourselves which are not working at the moment and are totally dysfunctional.
Quotes to consider:
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.
Carl Jung | Psychology and Philosophy 🧠, TWITTER:
The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.
"Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame"
Peter Levine
Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.”
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
Survivors don’t need anyone else telling them what the ‘should do’ or ‘have to do’ to heal. The last thing they need is someone else trying to control them again. Survivors need to know they are in control and that they are the experts in their experience and healing.
Defend Survivors, TWITTER:
There are so many “positive” messages that are aimed to inspire and help survivors. But when you really listen to these messages, they often guilt or blame survivors for either how they responded to the abuse, or for how they are healing now.
Make sure the messages you share with survivors are honoring and respecting them, their courage, and their choices.
Unique pieces of wisdom speak differently to each of us. I believe The Solution helps us address our environment by giving us the empowerment to change it.
@@TheIntimacyGram To believe we can change other people is called Fallacy of change. It is morally and ethically wrong to manipulate and control other people. That is Coercive Control - and it is even considered criminal act in some states.
Also, narcissists will never change. To believe we can magically fix psychopaths leads to codependency and being stuck in fantasy belief that we are Rescuer inside Karpman Drama Triangle with never-ending drama.
I'm not saying we can change other people, but we can choose to be a part of a different tribe.
@@TheIntimacyGram In Coercive control and unfavorable power dynamics we have no choice and it is abusive to ourselves to torture ourselves with fantasy belief that we have any kind of choice.
That begs the question of how one 'finds' such a tribe. My experience with fellowship has been the only guarantee is you go through a formality of meetings and associated ritual together, superficial or possibly dysfunctional if there's more involvement beyond using it as an audience for shares when people may not even hear you, a collective monologue - sometimes longer than others if it's a speaker share.
Moving out of isolation……boy this is hard
Baby steps! Once you get out of isolation you may never want to go back.
@@TheIntimacyGram excellent response and so true thanks
How do I become my own loving parent when I have no idea what that a loving parent is?
That's an awesome question that you most likely share with many!
ACA offers several paths to help you grow into your own Loving Parent: The Big Red Book, the Yellow step book, and the Loving Parent Guidebook. You don't need to do this alone and it is not a race. I always suggest finding a sponsor or fellow traveler who emulates a loving parent/surrogate mother or father to help guide you through the process.
Pace yourself as you learn to be gentle on yourself. As the ACA Solution reads, we do this process through gentleness, love, humor, and respect.
🙏🏻
The sentiment is nice, but obviously we are more impressionable when we were children, and trying to recondition oneself as an adult is not going to have the same effect not to mention it was a long process. So not only are we less impressionable now it took a long time to be conditioned as we are now so it would presumably take even longer, all things being equal. I can have more faith if the therapist had more of an intellectual rigor in their work, and as far as recovery fellowships go I have not seen that rigor at all, even if they are well-meaning and do a lot of inventory and other work within the predefined outlines of literature. There are some simple things like this that can be addressed on a logical and rational level, whether it will I am not sure.
To be clear I mean therapists in general, there have been few exceptions that is evident from what they've published.
Then why are they so popular?
Now you are talking science; where memories are stored in the brain and the power of neuroplasticity. New psychotherapies address these concepts. Remember that ACA is a 12 Step Fellowship. Therapy is a needed adjunct for several people who need more than what they can get from a 12 Step program.
'promo sm'