Tantrums vs meltdowns are so important to distinguish. My mum tried to tell people I wasn’t having tantrums, that my meltdowns were nothing she’s ever seen before, and that what worked with her other kids when they had tantrums did not work with me. But no one would believe her and they said it was a discipline issue, and she was left to figure out how to help me on her own. I was never diagnosed with autism, but ODD. I can’t emphasize enough how people recognizing this distinction would have changed my life as a young child.
Uncomfortable clothing can contribute to a meltdown too. Mine usually revolve around having to go out & socialize. Being forced into wearing uncomfortable clothing to blend in, having to change my routine & the anxiety of being around a large group of people is a recipe for a meltdown for me, at least while in ASD burnout
For everyone, I think Chris could've said that this is a bit of simplification, just to show that there is, in fact, a difference. However, tantrums and meltdowns are not the same for everyone and not as sever for everyone. I never would've thought I had meltdowns, but I realised I still have some, although not as common and usually very mild - which might actually be because of masking, because I never knew about any of this, so I learned that adults don't do this and so I shouldn't neither. Of course you can kind of control the mild ones, but that is still part of the masking and requires unnecessary energy. Don't feel discouraged if your experience of meltdowns isn't the same as Chris described it, we all have it slightly different :).
Thank you for explaining. Listening to Chris i was like hmmm i don't have both. Because i'm always aware to a certain degree when i'm having a meltdown.
When I get tunnel vision and the room starts to shift and go visually wiggly I know it’s coming and I can’t stop it. It’s like my senses go dull and I can’t understand what people are saying and I can’t feel my body. I have under a minute to get somewhere safe before it happens at this stage. Thankfully I have been able to see one coming and can usually get my needs met before it reaches the point of no return.
I feel that. Sounds like it's a panic attack precursor as a defense mechanism for what you know is coming. I've had the same thing happen in trying to prevent a meltdown. It's super hard and feels impossible to stop it most times though. It sucks..
I get this too - I’ve considered it a part of dissociation to protect myself from further trauma/harm. I withdraw, thinking becomes almost impossible, and I will forget large chunks of what just happened to trigger the response. I can force myself if I need to but I’ll be really slow and forcing just makes it worse anyway, so I can only use that for emergencies like getting to a safe and hopefully private spot, in exchange for staying in the meltdown longer :(
Thank you for going to the trouble of making this version without music. I have auditory processing disorder, and on my bad days 'background' music can make it very difficult to hear what someone is saying because for me , it's foreground music. Even on good days it can be problematic if the volume is too high (for me), or if it's high-pitched. Still, generally I can cope with it for short stretches of time, or delay listening until I have more spoons available. For some autists, the problem is significantly worse than it is for me. It's incredibly important to have this kind of information available for autists, their families, care workers, teachers, and others who interact with them. So kudos to you for doing this in the first place, for all the hard work and effort that must go into making these videos - and doing it so well. And then for redoing it in response to feedback, making it accessible to more people. The subject is an important one, because it addresses something that is a part of the lives of many autists and is often misunderstood or misinterpreted. The information given here is clear, logical, and easy to understand.
Thanks so much for the nice comment and acknowledging the extra work involved! We’re working hard to make content that is relatable and manageable for everyone here. It’s nice to see our work appreciated 😊 it’s also interesting - I don’t struggle with this when watching TH-cam videos myself but do when being in certain settings and trying to filter out the background noise while talking to someone or even saying my order in a restaurant. Our brains are interesting things! And yes - we are hoping more people in all professions but especially those who should be helping autistic people and their families will get to understand autism a bit better with what we’re sharing. Let us know if you have suggestions for other topics we should cover! We always like the feedback 😁
I agree that meltdowns can look different in different people with autism. When the autistic person in my life has meltdowns it is over for them as soon as it peaks. The problem here is that after they have a meltdown they want everything to go back to normal immediately and I’m the one that needs a day or two to recover.
i'd say that's understandable. it might help to reflect on the idea that your experience _as well as_ the autistic person's experience here are valid - it's just how it is, unfortunately. of course you still have to "negotiate" (for lack of a better term) a solution, but taking the time to accept the circumstances and taking any musings on guilt out of the picture can be super helpful. the austic person is not broken for having meltdowns, nor are you a bad person for needing recovery time. another thing that just came to mind: if you get exhausted from trying to help when the other person is in meltdown (which is again totally understandable) but it's all basically wasted energy, then that too is worth accepting. sometimes, less is more. you are, again, not a bad person if you basically take a backseat in such a moment, let the storm pass, and reserve your energy for later. hope that helps a little, and sorry if i made any assumptions that don't apply to your specific situation. 🤍
A clarification: Reflection is something I do daily. We have many years of working to get to a workable place. What I want people to hear is that although you may understand where the autistic is coming from and have accepted it, dealing with and experiencing meltdowns is stressful for both. I understand and accept also that I need time after the stress of a meltdown. My partner does not understand that, however. My partner is ready to get back to “normal” immediately after a meltdown as they then feel relieved. It’s important that the autistic partner understand and accept what their partner needs to do after a meltdown, too. One can feel neither is bad, one can not have issues with guilt, and one can have let go of “helping” a long time ago but meltdowns are stressful any way you look at it.
I often find that if I've been overstimulated or stressed, I feel a pressure building and it will release it in a massive crying spell when I get home. I've been trying to figure out if it's an autistic meltdown or not. However, unlike the typical descriptions of meltdowns, I *am* aware and could potentially stop in the middle if someone walked in and saw me doing it. (It would take effort, and I'd probably have a bigger crying spell later, but I *could* do it. Essentially having someone walk in while it's happening causes me to panic and shunts me into a fawn response.) Given that I'm aware while it's happening and theoretically able to stop (with difficulty), does that mean it's not a meltdown? And if not, what else might it be?
I get like that too and have called it overwhelm, where I literally feel overwhelmed from everything building up all day and I just have to release it by crying, like a pressure cooker when I get home!! I have had meltdowns too where I just could not control myself and just screamed like banshee, dropped to the floor and I couldn't communicate to my partner. I just zoned out, it all got too much. I felt so bad for my partner as it must be so scary to see. Luckily I don't have meltdowns often, I get more overwhelms. Everyone is different though so experience these things differently.
It's important to remember that everyone experiences meltdowns differently. I wouldn't say that being able to stop it means it isn't a meltdown - we get so good at masking! But like you said, even if you could pause, it doesn't mean it goes away. It continues after! I really relate to your experience and personally my meltdowns manifest as extreme crying bouts, a physical build up of energy that needs to come out, and a feeling of impending doom in my chest.
I relate to this too. Mostly I just feel like my tears are rising up inside me till I'm gasping, and then I find a place that's safe for them to leak out. I do have the very occasional explosive meltdown, but they're very short, and I have to get myself under control asap, as they're always when someone changes something on me last minute, and i feel trapped by it. My brain just shorts out for a minute. Then I'm all embarrassed, and wrestling back control, and hold it all in till I get home, and then I'm a zombie cry machine for a day or two
Think of your meltdown as a panic response, which can be fight, flight, or fawn, (or freeze, but I think that's usually labeled as a "shut down" when talking about autistics). The meltdown isn't ending, you're just switching how it is expressed. Fight and flight are very disruptive and obvious; fawn and freeze might not be easily recognizable, but they are all a flooded nervous system.
i just commented that i haven't ever been fully disoriented (though i _am_ unable to break the meltdown once it has started.. or maybe i am after several hours bc i keep consciously fighting it, so.. it's complicated) you might be very good at blocking it from happening in public, but i think you shouldn't hold that as a criterion against yourself. most importantly be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for it happening (no matter if it's _technically_ a meltdown of something else). bc even just being understanding with yourself can be unexpectedly helpful 🤍
Thanks for this overview, I always felt like I was a bad person if I had a meltdown (before I knew about ASD). D: I bought a needoh cube last week and didn't realize you had a ref. code. Don't worry, I need at LEAST three more. Love them.
i noticed that we are way too obsessed with guilt. doesn't just apply to autism by the way, but i do know the feeling when you think your meltdown was just ruining it for everyone else or even ruining it for you and you're not being your best self or something like that. and interestingly i have learned in the past year or so that taking guilt out of the picture actually helps making meltdowns and even just total exhaustion rarer. for most of the time i would pretty much beat myself up over such instances, and that way i'd just be like at least 20% if bot 50% down the way to the next catastrophic failure. now i instead just honour what happened, accept that it wasn't pretty yet don't blame myself for it, and move on.
I remember my last temper tantrum, last possible meltdown, I circumvented it by just walking away for a few min and breathing. As always you get straight to the point, but I cannot send this to the person who needs to watch this because of her denial of her daughter.
Im going to have to disagree to some extent here. Temper tantrums DO occur because of an inability to communicate properly. Young children have not mastered the ability to control their emotions nor how to properly communicate, and so temper tantrums act as a vehicle to attempt to vocalize that something is wrong. When young children have been taught how to handle emotions a bit better and also are given tools to be able to communicate better, the amount of temper tantrums actually reduce. For example, teaching a young child how to use sign language can help cut down temper tantrums. The child may not be able to talk with their voice because vocal chords take longer to develop and learning speech also takes longer. But motor skills are something that a child can develop way sooner, so learning sign language gives them an avenue for communication. I have experienced this firsthand. When my baby sister was about 8 months old, she was screaming and crying, and we tried to calm her down and ask her what she wanted. We ended up signing to her if she wanted to nurse and if she wanted mom, and actually immediately stopped crying, calmed down, and replied back to us in sign that she did indeed want to eat and be with mom. While I will say the meltdowns and tantrums are still different, i just wanted to make sure people realize that teaching a child how to communicate can go a long way in cutting down on tantrums.
When I have a meltdown, I feel as if I am a passenger with little control and with very little warning beforehand. It's certainly not a conscious action or decision to let off steam. I experience it as arising from a build-up of stress from over stimulation from sensory input, e.g. from a recent holiday on the journey home I was tired from not getting much sleep the night before, hungry on a long train journey, feeling trapped in the window seat with a stranger next to me for 4 hours. Add to that, the constant noise, bright train lights, etc.
For me, I think that lack of being able to communicate my feelings you mentioned is the primary cause of the meltdowns I have experienced. Usually they happen when I'm going through something emotionally, and I kind of want to talk about it, but I have no idea how to form the words or how to say it properly without a masking script in mind, and then that lack of ability to communicate is what sends me over into meltdown, often more so than the thing that I went through. And strangely, I find most sensory things don't bother me too much, until I'm already in a heightened state in the lead up to a meltdown, and then all of a sudden it feels like everything is too loud and bright and busy around me and there's too many people nearby, too much stimulation, and I don't know how to cope with it, and that can be the final thing that sends me over the edge into meltdown. Great video separating tantrums from meltdowns!
Despite the humor and fun sound effects and B roll you add, I have to say, this is very down to earth and digestible. I want to express my appreciation of how well made these videos are. The educational background you hold definitely is a passion of yours that shines through. Keep at it my man :)
Thank you for this video. I often struggle with worrying about what others think of my children, and that they think my kids are just having terrible temper tantrums constantly, and that i am a bad Mum as a result. This video has given me a little bit more confidence. Thank you.
I know the difference and rarely, especially as an adult, do I experience temper tantrums. I have ASD/ADhd meltdowns far too often, but they only really affect me...altho, since learning I'm both, I've had a few in front of others....and am starting not to worry or care what others think. If someone labels it a tempter tantrum....I'll put them right 😉
Thank you so much for distinguish that. For a long time i didn't know what a meltdown or shutdown was. i always thought i was just oversensitive and have been called a lot of names and things because of that. The worst thing I find is that as soon as I go somewhere I feel safe enough I have no control over what I do. I often hurt myself because the pressure has to come out from within. Afterwards I often need days to process everything. I'm also completely numb afterwards, which is scary because I want my emotions back and I can't have them.
I can say that when I’m really tired and have to go to the supermarket, everything gets louder (music, ppl and everything they do). I start feeling overwhelmed, lightheaded and drained. I’ve had to find a deserted spot, close my eyes and breath deliberately til I can resume with the shopping. I will still need time to rest as soon as I get home. Where if I get really emotionally overwhelmed, like from frustration and anger, I want to go into a ball and I pull at the hair on my scalp. My husband recognises this and will come over to me, with a soft voice, hug me and help me feel safe til I come round. In the hours that follow I usually feel tired, emotionally unsettled and uncomfortable. I’m not sure if this counts as a meltdown. Plus whenever I get really angry I’m usually overwhelmed with sadness afterwards. Sometimes it may be cuz I said or did something I didn’t mean to do/say but usually it’s just a direct response to that initial anger.
2:03 Whenever I’m not doing well and can’t express something well to my boyfriend (and in turn start to have a meltdown) he constantly asks what is wrong or what he can do or even positive affirmations, but it just overwhelms me more. Normally things end with me just too tired to fight for myself and explain i can’t i don’t know.
I have autism and CPTSD. There’s a big difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. I do my best to bottle up my feelings, because I was taught at a young age to stuff my emotions down and talk about what was wrong when I was pressured to when I really didn’t want to communicate what was wrong. I’ve even had strong emotions from having CPTSD flashbacks. Again, not a tantrum. I have CPTSD, so expect it! Crying was frowned upon, being mad was frowned upon. So now I have such high self control that I just bottle up my emotions and I get mad at myself for letting some of it slip out, because it’s not what everyone else wants, and I need to be more than, so I strive for that each and every day.
I wish TH-cam had a feature that would let us control the volume of different audio streams in a video separately! Kinda like video games that have sliders for those things, which is an absolute essential for me (poo on you, Nintendo). Sometimes I like some music in the background, sometimes it really really rubs me the wrong way. And it often changes moment-to-moment even with the same game where I might sometimes be chill with the music and other times I can't stand it. (Valheim is a great example - I *love* the music so much, but even with it set to be only periodic and not continuous, I still sometimes have to turn it off for a while.)
This misinterpretation of what an ASD meltdown is, comes from pure 3rd party observers. Another great video from you, I'm adding this to my ASD playlist :)
One thing I'm curious about is the range of intensity in a meltdown. I rarely have large ones anymore, but I do have more frequent "mild" meltdowns where I feel like I'm in some control- usually because it's in my own home. If I'm able to get away from the trigger, I'm able to get on with my day later.
I'm now over 2 weeks after my meltdown. Only a couple of days ago I started to feel pain in my leg which I apparently injured back then. No idea how. It's just painful. So Doctor visit. "how did you injure yourself?" - "I have no idea!" - "???"
i have learned to explain to people that meltdowns are like having a panic attack with brainfog. idk if anyone thinks the same because i dont know how someone else may experience a meltdown.. my sample size is 1... anyways labels are shapes and if your behavior is close to the label's shape some people cut you into the shape to fit the label in their mind. doesnt matter if its the wrong shape.
A lot of adults that have temper tantrums and they are not ASD. They likely had parents that did their best to teach them how to handle their temper tantrums but did so in a violent way that only reinforced it. I think alexithymia plays a large role in why ASD is different than temper because we don't understand what we're actually feeling and it's overwhelming us because we don't understand ourselves enough yo know what we are feeling and it causes a blind snowball affect that makes us escalate silently until finally it gets so large that it reaches our awareness but it is so massive and we don't know how to handle it so we meltdown (or shutdown which is an internal meltdown, often seen as mutism or depression from the outside). Honestly, Alexithymia explains so much for me, I'm hoping Chris does a video on it soon.
what you describe sounds a bit like a meltdown can become a dissociative state. personally i've never been totally disoriented or anything, but i haven't been with trauma flashbacks either. this might differ for different individuals and even for different phases in a given person's life. (just saying in case someone gets the idea to use the lack of disorientation against someone)
I’d really love to know where your fidgets are from and what they are made of. My son is a fidgety person. My son has meltdowns and sometimes silent meltdowns.
I appreciate the sentiment. However I feel like this video may have the opposite of it's (presumably?) intended effect. I have suffered from this my whole life, however only recently diagnosed as autistic. I would say the vast majority of people assume that I'm having a temper tantrum. And this video would give them more ammo as I interpret it. Like I can imagine someone saying "oh I know there are autistic meltdowns, but TRUST me Ian is just having a temper tantrum and could stop whenever he wants". I'm kind of more interested in how would someone know the difference? Yes they are different and the motivations are different, but I feel like people will still use this as a way to bring down autistic people, even if they're technically aware of it.
For me, when I have a meltdown, I am like a passenger in my own body. I have no control over what my autonomous nervous system does. While I try to stop them from within myself (which never works)... The worst thing is getting punished for having a meltdown. Why am I getting punished for something that I have no control over?
I don't know that I agree with the way you describe temper tantrums. That is just not what I experienced with my children. They could have tantrums because they were hungry, over-tired, over-stimulated, out of their usual routine, in pain or becoming ill. We tried really hard to make sure they ate and drank regularly and got enough sleep (enough for them, not for the neighbor children) but still, life happens. I didn't feel they were in control when they had tantrums and I didn't feel these were simple situations to get out of. When one of my children had a tantrum I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what led to it and how to avoid one in the future. I do understand that tantrums and ASD meltdowns are different, but I feel like this particular summary oversimplifies tantrums. Also, do you think there are differences between an ASD melt-down and an ADHD meltdown? I'm sure there must be and I'm curious about how to notice some of those differences. I'm thinking that would also inform a response that would be most helpful in each case.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s possible your children are having meltdowns. But you are right… this video does not go into tons of detail on tantrums. Yes, there are differences with asd and adhd meltdowns. That’s a future video!
@@ChrisandDebby Oh good for the future video. Since the entire family is neurodivergent, that may be true, but none of them ever got close to the severity of melt-downs you describe.
How can one control or end extreme focus during or after a meltdown? For example, when I'm working on my mountain bike and something unexpected happens, I sometimes throw it or yell and stomp. Then I have to fix the original issue plus any new ones caused by my meltdown. I feel that if I could just walk away and get locked in a room for a bit, it might shorten my recovery time. My partner has tried to suggest a "timeout", but that's a mistake.
Oh, out of curiosity. I always had the impression, that meltdowns actually tend to get more frequent as one has growing responsibilities and more issues to take care of (basically, transitioning into adulthood). Or was it just my experience? I do tend to feel desperation and great anxeity whenever I think about me with salary, responsibility and becoming adult in general. Even though I have more and more experience, I do suffer from time to time.
Undiagnosed.........not sure if what I experience classifies as a meltdown or not, but.......for me I typically NEVER cry out loud/make noise when crying. However I will frequently cry silently if I'm overwhelmed - and while sometimes I can control it by masking quickly, it's never a conscious decision, and crying always makes me feel drained and awful, no matter how long it lasts. Can be a few tears and the feeling of sobbing, or can be a full flood of tears, it depends on what triggered it and how strongly..........but I will fight crying because of how physically and mentally awful it makes me feel..........thoughts????
Temper tantrums are usually directed towards something.. or someone. Meltdowns typically aren't. If you notice the person immediately regretting it once they calm down. Just know that they really didn't mean to lash out and feel terrible that they couldn't control themselves. If you can find it in your heart to forgive them, it really would mean the world to them.
What if someone breaks the rules. Like… if I do what I needed to do as we agreed, then you don’t follow through. Am I melting down, or am I just having a temper tantrum?
Thank you for making videos without music. For me, music in videos distracts me so much that I can’t focus on what is being said. I really love your videos and want to watch each one of them. However, the popping and clicking sounds when words or images pop up, put my brain on freak out mode. I can’t shut them out to be able to listen to you. I’m sorry, when they happen, I have to stop the video. Thank you for having the transcripts available! 🙂
Our newer videos don’t have too many of those after lots of feedback on the background sounds! This was one of our first videos, just rereleased without the music - so as you compare to newer ones (in the last 3-6 months), hopefully you’ll notice the adjustments - don’t want to make brains get too overloaded while watching 😅
If only it were that black and white. Unfortunately it never is. Be careful of setting yourself up as some kind of expert on everyone else's autism when you haven't sufficiently understood your own yet. There's a lot more to it than just slapping labels on everything. Labels have a way of making you think you know something... and the more you know, the less you understand :)
Honest question, can a meltdown be over in under a minute? I ask because, if youve ever ridden in a car, the seatbelts have a locking mechanism that can activate if pulled quickly/bumpy road etc. I drive professionally, and when I lean forward (usually on a bumpy road) and it locks, the first time is meh, but if i make the effort to move back to 'unlock' it and try again and get the same result, I get aggravated... and if it happens a third time, I end up shouting into the æther (the front windshield) regardless of whether or not I end up free on the fourth attempt. And if the fourth or subsequent attempts fail... I'll say I've bruised my chest before while straining against the belt. It usually fades after a few seconds, and I go back to what i was trying to accomplish by leaning forward after a few more of me seemingly malding aggressively in the seat. Then im back to neutral again. I know logically after the first two attempts what's coming, but i just can't stop myself from the third and subsequent attempt(s), and i also never truly lose control of the vehicle (thank god, since its an 18 wheeler). I'm just curious if that all kind of fits the description or if im just a rage filled guy.
I needed this video, and I didn't even realize it. Until I stumbled across your channel a few days ago autism was never even on my radar for myself, but it explains a lot. I made an appointment with my doctor. Thank you! 🫶
And there is this awful feeling that lasts for a LONG time that I have just destroyed EVERYTHING and NOTHING can ever be good again.
I know I hate myself so much when I realise what I have said in the beginning of the meltdown.
Tantrums vs meltdowns are so important to distinguish.
My mum tried to tell people I wasn’t having tantrums, that my meltdowns were nothing she’s ever seen before, and that what worked with her other kids when they had tantrums did not work with me. But no one would believe her and they said it was a discipline issue, and she was left to figure out how to help me on her own. I was never diagnosed with autism, but ODD.
I can’t emphasize enough how people recognizing this distinction would have changed my life as a young child.
My mum had a similar experience. She knew there was something "not normal" with me not just temper tantrums. But no one believed her.
Society is failing pretty badly in the medical industry. Thankfully we have awesome channels like this to help us through it!
Oh my god I have so much respect for your Mum right now, please tell her that I think she's awesome and very intelligent for that
@@kai9137 Haha, I agree! She is an amazing mom. Thank you.
Uncomfortable clothing can contribute to a meltdown too. Mine usually revolve around having to go out & socialize. Being forced into wearing uncomfortable clothing to blend in, having to change my routine & the anxiety of being around a large group of people is a recipe for a meltdown for me, at least while in ASD burnout
As a grown adult I’m not going to allow people to associate a tantrum with anything I do.
Meltdowns often leave the fear of them happening again behind.
For everyone, I think Chris could've said that this is a bit of simplification, just to show that there is, in fact, a difference. However, tantrums and meltdowns are not the same for everyone and not as sever for everyone. I never would've thought I had meltdowns, but I realised I still have some, although not as common and usually very mild - which might actually be because of masking, because I never knew about any of this, so I learned that adults don't do this and so I shouldn't neither. Of course you can kind of control the mild ones, but that is still part of the masking and requires unnecessary energy. Don't feel discouraged if your experience of meltdowns isn't the same as Chris described it, we all have it slightly different :).
Thank you for explaining. Listening to Chris i was like hmmm i don't have both. Because i'm always aware to a certain degree when i'm having a meltdown.
When I get tunnel vision and the room starts to shift and go visually wiggly I know it’s coming and I can’t stop it. It’s like my senses go dull and I can’t understand what people are saying and I can’t feel my body. I have under a minute to get somewhere safe before it happens at this stage. Thankfully I have been able to see one coming and can usually get my needs met before it reaches the point of no return.
I feel that. Sounds like it's a panic attack precursor as a defense mechanism for what you know is coming. I've had the same thing happen in trying to prevent a meltdown. It's super hard and feels impossible to stop it most times though. It sucks..
I get this too - I’ve considered it a part of dissociation to protect myself from further trauma/harm. I withdraw, thinking becomes almost impossible, and I will forget large chunks of what just happened to trigger the response. I can force myself if I need to but I’ll be really slow and forcing just makes it worse anyway, so I can only use that for emergencies like getting to a safe and hopefully private spot, in exchange for staying in the meltdown longer :(
Thank you for going to the trouble of making this version without music. I have auditory processing disorder, and on my bad days 'background' music can make it very difficult to hear what someone is saying because for me , it's foreground music. Even on good days it can be problematic if the volume is too high (for me), or if it's high-pitched. Still, generally I can cope with it for short stretches of time, or delay listening until I have more spoons available. For some autists, the problem is significantly worse than it is for me.
It's incredibly important to have this kind of information available for autists, their families, care workers, teachers, and others who interact with them. So kudos to you for doing this in the first place, for all the hard work and effort that must go into making these videos - and doing it so well. And then for redoing it in response to feedback, making it accessible to more people.
The subject is an important one, because it addresses something that is a part of the lives of many autists and is often misunderstood or misinterpreted. The information given here is clear, logical, and easy to understand.
Thanks so much for the nice comment and acknowledging the extra work involved! We’re working hard to make content that is relatable and manageable for everyone here. It’s nice to see our work appreciated 😊 it’s also interesting - I don’t struggle with this when watching TH-cam videos myself but do when being in certain settings and trying to filter out the background noise while talking to someone or even saying my order in a restaurant. Our brains are interesting things! And yes - we are hoping more people in all professions but especially those who should be helping autistic people and their families will get to understand autism a bit better with what we’re sharing. Let us know if you have suggestions for other topics we should cover! We always like the feedback 😁
I agree that meltdowns can look different in different people with autism. When the autistic person in my life has meltdowns it is over for them as soon as it peaks. The problem here is that after they have a meltdown they want everything to go back to normal immediately and I’m the one that needs a day or two to recover.
i'd say that's understandable.
it might help to reflect on the idea that your experience _as well as_ the autistic person's experience here are valid - it's just how it is, unfortunately.
of course you still have to "negotiate" (for lack of a better term) a solution, but taking the time to accept the circumstances and taking any musings on guilt out of the picture can be super helpful.
the austic person is not broken for having meltdowns, nor are you a bad person for needing recovery time.
another thing that just came to mind:
if you get exhausted from trying to help when the other person is in meltdown (which is again totally understandable) but it's all basically wasted energy, then that too is worth accepting. sometimes, less is more. you are, again, not a bad person if you basically take a backseat in such a moment, let the storm pass, and reserve your energy for later.
hope that helps a little, and sorry if i made any assumptions that don't apply to your specific situation.
🤍
A clarification:
Reflection is something I do daily. We have many years of working to get to a workable place. What I want people to hear is that although you may understand where the autistic is coming from and have accepted it, dealing with and experiencing meltdowns is stressful for both. I understand and accept also that I need time after the stress of a meltdown. My partner does not understand that, however. My partner is ready to get back to “normal” immediately after a meltdown as they then feel relieved. It’s important that the autistic partner understand and accept what their partner needs to do after a meltdown, too.
One can feel neither is bad, one can not have issues with guilt, and one can have let go of “helping” a long time ago but meltdowns are stressful any way you look at it.
I often find that if I've been overstimulated or stressed, I feel a pressure building and it will release it in a massive crying spell when I get home. I've been trying to figure out if it's an autistic meltdown or not. However, unlike the typical descriptions of meltdowns, I *am* aware and could potentially stop in the middle if someone walked in and saw me doing it. (It would take effort, and I'd probably have a bigger crying spell later, but I *could* do it. Essentially having someone walk in while it's happening causes me to panic and shunts me into a fawn response.) Given that I'm aware while it's happening and theoretically able to stop (with difficulty), does that mean it's not a meltdown? And if not, what else might it be?
I get like that too and have called it overwhelm, where I literally feel overwhelmed from everything building up all day and I just have to release it by crying, like a pressure cooker when I get home!! I have had meltdowns too where I just could not control myself and just screamed like banshee, dropped to the floor and I couldn't communicate to my partner. I just zoned out, it all got too much. I felt so bad for my partner as it must be so scary to see. Luckily I don't have meltdowns often, I get more overwhelms. Everyone is different though so experience these things differently.
It's important to remember that everyone experiences meltdowns differently. I wouldn't say that being able to stop it means it isn't a meltdown - we get so good at masking! But like you said, even if you could pause, it doesn't mean it goes away. It continues after! I really relate to your experience and personally my meltdowns manifest as extreme crying bouts, a physical build up of energy that needs to come out, and a feeling of impending doom in my chest.
I relate to this too. Mostly I just feel like my tears are rising up inside me till I'm gasping, and then I find a place that's safe for them to leak out. I do have the very occasional explosive meltdown, but they're very short, and I have to get myself under control asap, as they're always when someone changes something on me last minute, and i feel trapped by it. My brain just shorts out for a minute. Then I'm all embarrassed, and wrestling back control, and hold it all in till I get home, and then I'm a zombie cry machine for a day or two
Think of your meltdown as a panic response, which can be fight, flight, or fawn, (or freeze, but I think that's usually labeled as a "shut down" when talking about autistics). The meltdown isn't ending, you're just switching how it is expressed. Fight and flight are very disruptive and obvious; fawn and freeze might not be easily recognizable, but they are all a flooded nervous system.
i just commented that i haven't ever been fully disoriented (though i _am_ unable to break the meltdown once it has started.. or maybe i am after several hours bc i keep consciously fighting it, so.. it's complicated)
you might be very good at blocking it from happening in public, but i think you shouldn't hold that as a criterion against yourself. most importantly be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for it happening (no matter if it's _technically_ a meltdown of something else). bc even just being understanding with yourself can be unexpectedly helpful 🤍
The *shy* part at the end made me happy 😊
I didn't expect the "shy" moment, 😂😂😂.
It was great! Now I'm repeating my own happy words...
Conduit conduit conduuuiiit cooonnduuiiit conduit!
Right? 🤣
Thanks for this overview, I always felt like I was a bad person if I had a meltdown (before I knew about ASD).
D: I bought a needoh cube last week and didn't realize you had a ref. code. Don't worry, I need at LEAST three more. Love them.
i noticed that we are way too obsessed with guilt. doesn't just apply to autism by the way, but i do know the feeling when you think your meltdown was just ruining it for everyone else or even ruining it for you and you're not being your best self or something like that.
and interestingly i have learned in the past year or so that taking guilt out of the picture actually helps making meltdowns and even just total exhaustion rarer.
for most of the time i would pretty much beat myself up over such instances, and that way i'd just be like at least 20% if bot 50% down the way to the next catastrophic failure.
now i instead just honour what happened, accept that it wasn't pretty yet don't blame myself for it, and move on.
@@fariesz6786 I hope to get there one day! It's so hard to leave guilt and shame behind (thank you, societal norms)
I remember my last temper tantrum, last possible meltdown, I circumvented it by just walking away for a few min and breathing. As always you get straight to the point, but I cannot send this to the person who needs to watch this because of her denial of her daughter.
that is so sad 😢
Im going to have to disagree to some extent here. Temper tantrums DO occur because of an inability to communicate properly. Young children have not mastered the ability to control their emotions nor how to properly communicate, and so temper tantrums act as a vehicle to attempt to vocalize that something is wrong.
When young children have been taught how to handle emotions a bit better and also are given tools to be able to communicate better, the amount of temper tantrums actually reduce.
For example, teaching a young child how to use sign language can help cut down temper tantrums. The child may not be able to talk with their voice because vocal chords take longer to develop and learning speech also takes longer. But motor skills are something that a child can develop way sooner, so learning sign language gives them an avenue for communication.
I have experienced this firsthand. When my baby sister was about 8 months old, she was screaming and crying, and we tried to calm her down and ask her what she wanted. We ended up signing to her if she wanted to nurse and if she wanted mom, and actually immediately stopped crying, calmed down, and replied back to us in sign that she did indeed want to eat and be with mom.
While I will say the meltdowns and tantrums are still different, i just wanted to make sure people realize that teaching a child how to communicate can go a long way in cutting down on tantrums.
When I have a meltdown, I feel as if I am a passenger with little control and with very little warning beforehand. It's certainly not a conscious action or decision to let off steam. I experience it as arising from a build-up of stress from over stimulation from sensory input, e.g. from a recent holiday on the journey home I was tired from not getting much sleep the night before, hungry on a long train journey, feeling trapped in the window seat with a stranger next to me for 4 hours. Add to that, the constant noise, bright train lights, etc.
For me, I think that lack of being able to communicate my feelings you mentioned is the primary cause of the meltdowns I have experienced. Usually they happen when I'm going through something emotionally, and I kind of want to talk about it, but I have no idea how to form the words or how to say it properly without a masking script in mind, and then that lack of ability to communicate is what sends me over into meltdown, often more so than the thing that I went through. And strangely, I find most sensory things don't bother me too much, until I'm already in a heightened state in the lead up to a meltdown, and then all of a sudden it feels like everything is too loud and bright and busy around me and there's too many people nearby, too much stimulation, and I don't know how to cope with it, and that can be the final thing that sends me over the edge into meltdown. Great video separating tantrums from meltdowns!
Despite the humor and fun sound effects and B roll you add, I have to say, this is very down to earth and digestible.
I want to express my appreciation of how well made these videos are. The educational background you hold definitely is a passion of yours that shines through. Keep at it my man :)
Thank you for this video. I often struggle with worrying about what others think of my children, and that they think my kids are just having terrible temper tantrums constantly, and that i am a bad Mum as a result. This video has given me a little bit more confidence. Thank you.
I know the difference and rarely, especially as an adult, do I experience temper tantrums. I have ASD/ADhd meltdowns far too often, but they only really affect me...altho, since learning I'm both, I've had a few in front of others....and am starting not to worry or care what others think. If someone labels it a tempter tantrum....I'll put them right 😉
You explain the topics wery well. Even if I can't make your live's this summer, I still watch everything you posts.
Thank you so much for distinguish that. For a long time i didn't know what a meltdown or shutdown was. i always thought i was just oversensitive and have been called a lot of names and things because of that. The worst thing I find is that as soon as I go somewhere I feel safe enough I have no control over what I do. I often hurt myself because the pressure has to come out from within. Afterwards I often need days to process everything. I'm also completely numb afterwards, which is scary because I want my emotions back and I can't have them.
I can say that when I’m really tired and have to go to the supermarket, everything gets louder (music, ppl and everything they do). I start feeling overwhelmed, lightheaded and drained. I’ve had to find a deserted spot, close my eyes and breath deliberately til I can resume with the shopping. I will still need time to rest as soon as I get home.
Where if I get really emotionally overwhelmed, like from frustration and anger, I want to go into a ball and I pull at the hair on my scalp. My husband recognises this and will come over to me, with a soft voice, hug me and help me feel safe til I come round. In the hours that follow I usually feel tired, emotionally unsettled and uncomfortable. I’m not sure if this counts as a meltdown.
Plus whenever I get really angry I’m usually overwhelmed with sadness afterwards. Sometimes it may be cuz I said or did something I didn’t mean to do/say but usually it’s just a direct response to that initial anger.
Could you also talk about shutdown?
Yes, because--for me--shutdown usually follows meltdown.
I only react to stress with shutdowns.
I think he has a video called "Autistic Burnout" which sounds like it's what you're looking for.
@@JoMcD21Thanks! I will have a look.
Thank you so much for this channel ❤
2:03 Whenever I’m not doing well and can’t express something well to my boyfriend (and in turn start to have a meltdown) he constantly asks what is wrong or what he can do or even positive affirmations, but it just overwhelms me more. Normally things end with me just too tired to fight for myself and explain i can’t i don’t know.
A great explanation, with clear contrasts! Thanks!
I have autism and CPTSD. There’s a big difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. I do my best to bottle up my feelings, because I was taught at a young age to stuff my emotions down and talk about what was wrong when I was pressured to when I really didn’t want to communicate what was wrong. I’ve even had strong emotions from having CPTSD flashbacks. Again, not a tantrum. I have CPTSD, so expect it! Crying was frowned upon, being mad was frowned upon. So now I have such high self control that I just bottle up my emotions and I get mad at myself for letting some of it slip out, because it’s not what everyone else wants, and I need to be more than, so I strive for that each and every day.
I wish TH-cam had a feature that would let us control the volume of different audio streams in a video separately! Kinda like video games that have sliders for those things, which is an absolute essential for me (poo on you, Nintendo). Sometimes I like some music in the background, sometimes it really really rubs me the wrong way. And it often changes moment-to-moment even with the same game where I might sometimes be chill with the music and other times I can't stand it.
(Valheim is a great example - I *love* the music so much, but even with it set to be only periodic and not continuous, I still sometimes have to turn it off for a while.)
That only is of value if the video in question was recorded with separated out audio tracks for only speech and only music, unfortunately.
This misinterpretation of what an ASD meltdown is, comes from pure 3rd party observers. Another great video from you, I'm adding this to my ASD playlist :)
One thing I'm curious about is the range of intensity in a meltdown. I rarely have large ones anymore, but I do have more frequent "mild" meltdowns where I feel like I'm in some control- usually because it's in my own home. If I'm able to get away from the trigger, I'm able to get on with my day later.
I'm now over 2 weeks after my meltdown. Only a couple of days ago I started to feel pain in my leg which I apparently injured back then. No idea how. It's just painful. So Doctor visit. "how did you injure yourself?" - "I have no idea!" - "???"
i have learned to explain to people that meltdowns are like having a panic attack with brainfog. idk if anyone thinks the same because i dont know how someone else may experience a meltdown.. my sample size is 1...
anyways labels are shapes and if your behavior is close to the label's shape some people cut you into the shape to fit the label in their mind. doesnt matter if its the wrong shape.
A lot of adults that have temper tantrums and they are not ASD. They likely had parents that did their best to teach them how to handle their temper tantrums but did so in a violent way that only reinforced it. I think alexithymia plays a large role in why ASD is different than temper because we don't understand what we're actually feeling and it's overwhelming us because we don't understand ourselves enough yo know what we are feeling and it causes a blind snowball affect that makes us escalate silently until finally it gets so large that it reaches our awareness but it is so massive and we don't know how to handle it so we meltdown (or shutdown which is an internal meltdown, often seen as mutism or depression from the outside). Honestly, Alexithymia explains so much for me, I'm hoping Chris does a video on it soon.
You might like this video!
The Real Reason Many Autistics Struggle with Emotions
th-cam.com/video/cvTWwYtESxI/w-d-xo.html
Awesome explanation!
The post-tantrum / meltdown exhaustion is something else. Anyone else?
Yeah❤
what you describe sounds a bit like a meltdown can become a dissociative state.
personally i've never been totally disoriented or anything, but i haven't been with trauma flashbacks either. this might differ for different individuals and even for different phases in a given person's life.
(just saying in case someone gets the idea to use the lack of disorientation against someone)
I’d really love to know where your fidgets are from and what they are made of. My son is a fidgety person. My son has meltdowns and sometimes silent meltdowns.
I appreciate the sentiment. However I feel like this video may have the opposite of it's (presumably?) intended effect. I have suffered from this my whole life, however only recently diagnosed as autistic. I would say the vast majority of people assume that I'm having a temper tantrum. And this video would give them more ammo as I interpret it. Like I can imagine someone saying "oh I know there are autistic meltdowns, but TRUST me Ian is just having a temper tantrum and could stop whenever he wants". I'm kind of more interested in how would someone know the difference? Yes they are different and the motivations are different, but I feel like people will still use this as a way to bring down autistic people, even if they're technically aware of it.
For me, when I have a meltdown, I am like a passenger in my own body. I have no control over what my autonomous nervous system does. While I try to stop them from within myself (which never works)...
The worst thing is getting punished for having a meltdown. Why am I getting punished for something that I have no control over?
I don't know that I agree with the way you describe temper tantrums. That is just not what I experienced with my children. They could have tantrums because they were hungry, over-tired, over-stimulated, out of their usual routine, in pain or becoming ill. We tried really hard to make sure they ate and drank regularly and got enough sleep (enough for them, not for the neighbor children) but still, life happens. I didn't feel they were in control when they had tantrums and I didn't feel these were simple situations to get out of. When one of my children had a tantrum I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what led to it and how to avoid one in the future. I do understand that tantrums and ASD meltdowns are different, but I feel like this particular summary oversimplifies tantrums.
Also, do you think there are differences between an ASD melt-down and an ADHD meltdown? I'm sure there must be and I'm curious about how to notice some of those differences. I'm thinking that would also inform a response that would be most helpful in each case.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s possible your children are having meltdowns. But you are right… this video does not go into tons of detail on tantrums.
Yes, there are differences with asd and adhd meltdowns. That’s a future video!
@@ChrisandDebby Oh good for the future video. Since the entire family is neurodivergent, that may be true, but none of them ever got close to the severity of melt-downs you describe.
How can one control or end extreme focus during or after a meltdown? For example, when I'm working on my mountain bike and something unexpected happens, I sometimes throw it or yell and stomp. Then I have to fix the original issue plus any new ones caused by my meltdown. I feel that if I could just walk away and get locked in a room for a bit, it might shorten my recovery time. My partner has tried to suggest a "timeout", but that's a mistake.
It's tough, no doubt about that.
Oh, out of curiosity. I always had the impression, that meltdowns actually tend to get more frequent as one has growing responsibilities and more issues to take care of (basically, transitioning into adulthood). Or was it just my experience? I do tend to feel desperation and great anxeity whenever I think about me with salary, responsibility and becoming adult in general. Even though I have more and more experience, I do suffer from time to time.
Undiagnosed.........not sure if what I experience classifies as a meltdown or not, but.......for me I typically NEVER cry out loud/make noise when crying. However I will frequently cry silently if I'm overwhelmed - and while sometimes I can control it by masking quickly, it's never a conscious decision, and crying always makes me feel drained and awful, no matter how long it lasts. Can be a few tears and the feeling of sobbing, or can be a full flood of tears, it depends on what triggered it and how strongly..........but I will fight crying because of how physically and mentally awful it makes me feel..........thoughts????
What is the music at the and? The some kind of jazz piano tunes
Can we talk about internalized meltdown and shutdown, too.
Yes! This is a great suggestion - plus we plan to do a longer video later about more details with meltdowns so thank you for this 👍
Totally off topic, but was this video speed up a tiny bit? It felt a tad faster than normal, like just a little lol
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
They feel the same if you’re on the receiving end.
Temper tantrums are usually directed towards something.. or someone.
Meltdowns typically aren't. If you notice the person immediately regretting it once they calm down. Just know that they really didn't mean to lash out and feel terrible that they couldn't control themselves. If you can find it in your heart to forgive them, it really would mean the world to them.
What if someone breaks the rules.
Like… if I do what I needed to do as we agreed, then you don’t follow through. Am I melting down, or am I just having a temper tantrum?
Thank you for making videos without music. For me, music in videos distracts me so much that I can’t focus on what is being said. I really love your videos and want to watch each one of them. However, the popping and clicking sounds when words or images pop up, put my brain on freak out mode. I can’t shut them out to be able to listen to you. I’m sorry, when they happen, I have to stop the video. Thank you for having the transcripts available! 🙂
Our newer videos don’t have too many of those after lots of feedback on the background sounds! This was one of our first videos, just rereleased without the music - so as you compare to newer ones (in the last 3-6 months), hopefully you’ll notice the adjustments - don’t want to make brains get too overloaded while watching 😅
If only it were that black and white. Unfortunately it never is. Be careful of setting yourself up as some kind of expert on everyone else's autism when you haven't sufficiently understood your own yet. There's a lot more to it than just slapping labels on everything. Labels have a way of making you think you know something... and the more you know, the less you understand :)
Honest question, can a meltdown be over in under a minute?
I ask because, if youve ever ridden in a car, the seatbelts have a locking mechanism that can activate if pulled quickly/bumpy road etc.
I drive professionally, and when I lean forward (usually on a bumpy road) and it locks, the first time is meh, but if i make the effort to move back to 'unlock' it and try again and get the same result, I get aggravated... and if it happens a third time, I end up shouting into the æther (the front windshield) regardless of whether or not I end up free on the fourth attempt.
And if the fourth or subsequent attempts fail... I'll say I've bruised my chest before while straining against the belt.
It usually fades after a few seconds, and I go back to what i was trying to accomplish by leaning forward after a few more of me seemingly malding aggressively in the seat. Then im back to neutral again.
I know logically after the first two attempts what's coming, but i just can't stop myself from the third and subsequent attempt(s), and i also never truly lose control of the vehicle (thank god, since its an 18 wheeler).
I'm just curious if that all kind of fits the description or if im just a rage filled guy.
I needed this video, and I didn't even realize it. Until I stumbled across your channel a few days ago autism was never even on my radar for myself, but it explains a lot. I made an appointment with my doctor. Thank you! 🫶