Can you imagine how hilarious it would be if this dude decided to show up to the Institute to make a statement about some weirdo that compelled him to tell the truth?
I mean are we sure it was supernatural. Maybe it was just wandering around New Zealand looking for a friend and all that aggression the farmer was sensing was actually just the pig wanting to be friends.
Imagine if that street warden went on a long ramble about his hidden childhood traumas in the middle of a busy street. Or if he had a secret foot fetish. The point I’m trying to make here is that Jon was extremely lucky
"What do you know about the pig?" *cue the spoopy music* "You ever have a pig look at you with hate in its eyes? Probably not, most people never have a pig look at them with anything other than deliciousness. This pig though... there's a thing I once read about in a..." *20 minutes later* "...but then I thought... better to cut to the MEAT of the issue..." "..." "..." "...statement ends"
I find it ironic that he claims friendship with the pigs while acknowledging that he can never fully trust them because they might one day eat him, which is exactly how the pigs probably feel about him
Sooo true it's like he's afraid they'll do to him what he does to them. And the way he cried when one of the pigs got eaten? Literally like 5 minutes after describing how good they tasted
@@joyc.e.7511 he says he has the bacon in the freezer and is offering it as lunch/dinner/whatever, so i took it as him taking the bacon straight off the freezer and into the oil instead of waiting for it to thaw
@cak01vej I'm expecting something real bad and then "Sometimes I take bribes and don't give people tickets?" Oh this sweet summer child. Considering our *other* cop MURDERS PEOPLE, Kurt is fucking adorable.
I guess «The darkest secret» was meant to be acsactly something Jon needed to blackmail the guy, and people he Ascks always seem to give the answer Jon wanted to learn
Kurt: ......oh you've got to be kidding me. Jon: You get used to it. I will take your statement by the way, I hold no ill will towards you. Kurt: You get used to.....I should go. Jon: That's also fair.
Well, be it Jon turning them on without realising it, or them turning on on their own, I think it's safe to assume there's something sinister going on here. Some sinister happenings, if you will.
@@SwirlyPinwheel it’s been insinuated that they’ve been turning on themselves as they’ll randomly turn on when they’re in a bag and we’ll get sections of no dialogue, but it maybe seems like jon turned this one on himself as he says “I didn’t realize I’d turned it on” not “I didn’t turn it on”
Me: "Yeah, this podcast has a lot of really scary stuff. It's deeply unsettling, but listenable." Gets to the episode. KILLER MONSTER PIG THEY FOUND MY FEAR
My least favorite is MAG 16: Arachnophobia as I have SEVERE arachnophobia and the first listen through I had to have a sit down for a long while before continuing afterwards. There are a few that really hurt me inside, but of course in case of any prying eyes I won’t say anything other than the phrase “statements regarding an Alzheimer’s mansion and a gaslighting psychiatric caregiver.”
@@whomstisthisseriously? You were gotten by the statement of Carlos "can you be haunted by the ghost of a spider that ruined your childhood? It sounds absurd it sounds laughable" Vittery? Carlos was just too funny to me for me to be spooked by the spookies in it.
you know what? that's a cute one, actually. sure, the pig ate people (and your other pigs), but it's your FRIEND! i'd get a man-eating monster pig friend if i could!
I mean....it ate his other pig friends. That’s sad. I wouldn’t want a pig friend at the cost of all my other pig friends, no matter how much of a convenient body disposal method they would be. But if I could just have scary pig friend, that’d be cool.
This whole time, Jon's been the punching bag. At the mercy of everyone, quite literally the weakest entity on the planet. Now look at him. My baby just got his first "what are you?". He's blackmailing. He's using his powers. Start runnin, folks. 18:55 if anyone wants to hear it again and again.
The guy explaining at the beginning that a pig eating people is not that unbelievable was somehow really funny? Also that warden has a very vanilla life if "getting bribed to not give tickets" is his darkest secret.
Kurt: Get away from me Jon: Fine, fine, just… *What’s your darkest secret?* Kurt: I don’t know. Er, sometimes I take little bribes, and not give people a ticket. *Oh, what the hell?* Jon: Right, okay, I imagine Lambeth Borough Council would be very interested to know that, and I have it on tape. So… let’s go get those papers, shall we? Kurt: *What are you?* The daytime city ambiance conceals most of the Jon powers sound effect
Like, that cop coulda been all "I killed my wife's first husband so I could be with her instead", or "I blackmailed my friend into giving my ex HIV" and it's just?? A little dirty money with very little harmful consequence at all!? What a cinnamon bun
This takes me back to when I was kid and we'd visit my grandparents who had farm animals, pigs being one of them. They had that one huge sow I was scared of. My grandfather, who was usually a quiet stoic man, would call it over, it lied down in front of him and let him scratch her belly until it fell asleep. With a straight face he'd tell me to watch my fingers around it while still giving it belly rubs. Pigs are the cats among livestock.
As someone who has had a pet pig. This is true. They will not wait until you're dead to eat you. My pig, Peggy (I was a bit of a Hamilton fan at the time) would just bite my head anytime I laid down next to her. Scared the hell out of me when I was sleeping and she bit my toes
The pig song reminds me of a song I learnt in German. It goes : "Guten Tag, Guten Tag! Sagen alle Kinder, große Kinder, kleine Kinder, dicke Kinder, dünne Kinder, Guten Tag, Guten Tag, sagen alle Kinder!" I think it can be translated as : "Good morning, good morning! Say all the children, Long children, short children, wide children, narrow children Good morning, good morning! Say all the children" Of course, you wouldn't translate it this way unless you're a cannibal that what to eat the children (since you don't say that a child is "long" or "wide") but technically, that's what that means. So yeah. I was reminded of a child song I didn't sing for about 10 years by a men-eating pig. That was creepy.
"That's big. Bigger than big. That's a monster pig." xD I loved that line way too much Also that guy's reaction to telling Jon his darkest secret was golden
There is something in me that just Fizzled Up with HYPE just hearing Jon be like "Alright, Fuck It. Just Casually use my superpowers in the middle of a traffic scene." and then the "What are you?" like he can't get away with being completely innocent anymore!! >:D
So I was scrolling through Tumblr at the same time as listening to this and I got to a post about cops right as he said "regarding a case about an unusual pig" and I just O.O the coincidence man...
soooo any theories on why the monster pig didn't kill him? like my first instinct is to say it was because he wasn't afraid anymore, like that lady that laid down in the collapsing train and was just gonna let it kill her, but idk. The guy had the distinct impression the pig considered him a friend, rather than becoming disinterested in him. I'm just really curious why, since before he said it wanted to hurt him.
He helped him cover up the murder(and possibly look the other way to commit more) in his mind that was his definition of "friend". Also you should be more careful reading these the meaning was right there
Avatars keep some of their original traits right? They’ve still got some free will. I guess this was true pig nature coming through. The guy brought him food too.
I know it's been three years, but I have a different imterpretation that I think fits better. Like, people are forgetting the way the narrator describes pigs at the beginning. They can be incredibly affectionate creatures, they can be your best friends, but those very same pigs might also eat you alive if they're feeling a bit peckish. The Monster Pig is no different. He might see the guy as a friend, yet that doesn't mean it's not going to eat him anyway. And the narrator himself is the same, he sees his pigs as friends and cares for them but he still plans to kill and eat them all the same. In fact, the way the narrator sees the Monster Pig is probably very similar to the way his pigs see him. That's where the fear comes from in this statement. Just imagine being forced to live with this being that treats you like a friend, but most likely still plans to kill and eat you, every time he comes near you, you have to wonder if he's going to give you a treat or cuddle with you or take you to a slaugther house and eat your corpse. Everyday is basically a game of Russian Roulette. When it comes to the Flesh, meat is meat, that means your friend today, might be your meal tomorrow, or you might be their meal instead.
ooh, I like your thoughts on this one. This feels correct, and digs more into the nature of this particular horror than my theory did. Thanks for sharing! @@sararitoagostinho2956
The cognitive dissonance displayed by the farmer is really fascinating. Viewing the pigs as friends, but sending them off to get killed. Crying when Toby was eaten, despite the fact he was planning to kill and eat Toby
In the story he mentioned eating the pigs after they "inevitably" died, meaning either put down due to illness or simply dying naturally. For his farm they were compost and waste disposal, so killing the pigs likely wasnt something he was keen on. You know, till the Blob.
To be fair, i don't think that's uncommon mentality for farmers. Hand-rearing animals for months if not years tends to build up empathy, even despite the practicality of the situation leading to the farmer slaughtering them later on.
Its actually pretty normal, humans form relationships with creatures they spend a long time with. Its okay, its natural to have that sadness when you eat an animal that you had a connection with - it gives you a new look, a respect for them both before and after. Its something we've lost as most of us have lost the connection to where our food comes from be it an ear of corn or pork. I think that loss of knowledge and respect is the truly sad and terrible thing
The number of farm kids I've known who've raised pigs and calves as children only to eat them later would probably shock you. Think of it like a rite of passage in growing up on a farm.
@@h444teligament That was honestly really sad. Although, the farmer's mindset was a bit confusing. He said he saw them as his friends, and I believe he was being truthful. But he also sent them off to get killed. He got sad when they were killed and eaten by the monster pig, but he has (indirectly) killed and eaten them as well
@@alex6027 yeah, that's something that's always baffled me about farmers. when they treat livestock they'll end up killing kindly, but don't let themselves get too emotionally attached- that makes sense. when they befriend animals that won't be slaughtered, like woolgiving sheep or milk cows- i get that too. but befriending the animal you're going to kill-- it's not a bad thing, i just don't understand it. it feels like you're just setting yourself up for pain
@@mjamin9124 It doesn't sound like he's keeping the pigs to kill them at all, so it's more of a "not letting their remains go to waste when they die naturally" situation.
I really thought for a moment there that there would be another statement later on from the brother that implied that the pig had somehow made Dylan a cannibal and Dylan was the one who ate the clown
The perspective through wich the audience sees the story makes me feel like one of the entities watching through a tiny window into the universe of tma
That depends on the type of pig. Adults can go up to 250-300kg no problem. Slaughter usually happens when they are younger, at around 125kg. I know this comment is hella old but still.
SO MUCH STUFF to unpack! Giant pig! Heck yeah blackmail powers, it does feel nice to see Jon in control for once! Also I adore the complexity of the relationships growing between the characters. "He loves scheduling" like yes you can feel the familiarity with his murderous boss that he's known for years and was friendly with. And Daisy promising to look after the others.... oh, we do love a redemption arc. Wonderful stuff.
[CLICK] ARCHIVIST Statement of Dylan Anderson, regarding an unusual pig he acquired on his farm near the Marlborough Forest, New Zealand. Original statement given July 2nd, 2014. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Statement begins. ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT) Pigs are tricky. They are very intelligent animals. But I’ve found I can never completely bring myself to trust them. They can be your best friend, then tackle your legs from behind if they’re feeling mean. And when a pig hits you, you know you’ve been hit. It doesn’t help matters that I am acutely aware that a pig would be more than happy to eat me if the opportunity came up. They’re true omnivores, and they wouldn’t necessarily even do me the courtesy of waiting until I was dead. I’ve heard more than one grisly story of a farmer passing out drunk in a pigpen, and in the morning there’s only bones. I had my cousin, Melinda, visiting a few years back with her son, and I told her to make sure and keep the baby away from the pigs. I still remember the dawning look of horror on her face when I told her why, like she couldn’t believe that a pig would just… eat a baby. But most pigs would. Most pigs will eat just about anything that doesn’t stop them. I feel I may be doing pigs a disservice here, to be honest. When I say a pig can be your best friend, I’m not exaggerating. They can be tremendously affectionate creatures, and I’ve known more than one pig that I’d put in the running against any of my human friends. But it’s hard to get past the idea that if my human friends would draw a cock and balls on my face when I’m sleeping off the drink, my pig friends might just… eat me. They probably wouldn’t. ‘Cause we’re friends. But they might. It’s not even like I run a proper pig farm, I just keep a few at a time, since they’re quite handy to have about. A couple of pigs are a great way to dispose of waste, and their manure is great for composting. And, I can’t deny, when it’s their time, they are… quite tasty. And I do sell the meat, though I take a lot of pains to make sure people know it was raised cruelty free. I take care of them. The point is, I certainly have never had so many pigs that I would lose track. And I know I never bought or birthed the monster pig. When I first called it that, it was just because it was huge. I never got a chance to properly weigh it, but it must have come in at around three or four hundred kilos. I don’t know if you know about pigs, but that’s big. Bigger than big. It’s a monster pig. I didn’t find out about the rest until… well, I didn’t know. I don’t know when it came from. I didn’t buy it. I didn’t take delivery of it, and as far as I can tell, no-one else did either. It’s a bit hard to tell as this was back in March, so the Merlot harvest season was well underway. As you’ve seen, while I do have a few pigs, this is a vineyard. We supply grapes to a lot of the bigger winemakers around here, and I’d been toying with the idea of starting my own label but haven’t really done anything with it yet. Oh, uh, when you’re writing this up, make it’s clear that we’re near the Marlborough Forest, but that’s not the same thing as the Marlborough region, which is famous for wine. That’s on the South Island. I just don’t want there to be any confusion. Where was I? Yeah, it was the height of the Merlot harvest, so most of us, myself included, were out in the vineyard for pretty much the whole day. I hadn’t checked on the pigs in a while, but the next time I headed into the sty… there it was, sat in the corner, just encompassing the corner, its bulk filling the place out as the other, smaller pigs, tried to find somewhere to be that wasn’t next to it. It just sat there, and stared at me. I didn’t like staring back at it. It made me feel strange, like it was sorting me into cuts of meat. There was more in those eyes than I’d ever seen in another pig; hidden among the rolls of pink flesh, they had malice in them. The pig wanted to hurt me. I’m sure of that. I-I didn’t know what to do. I just - I asked around to see if anyone knew where it had come from, but no-one had any idea. They were just as baffled as I was. Though they could see it, which was, you know, a relief. Or not, since it being real meant it had to be fed. Part of me did consider immediately trying to send it for slaughter, but… but something about the way it looked at me, almost daring me to try it, a thin trickle of pink saliva glistening around its mouth. I’m absolutely sure if I’d asked Manawa, or any of the others, to bring it out for that, they would be dead. In fact, the more I think about the whole situation, the more certain I am that the monster pig wanted nothing more than to kill and eat me. It just didn’t want the hassle of breaking out of the sty. Though I’m sure it could have if it really wanted to. I tried to feed it, but it was so huge, it ate so much, and there wasn’t enough for all the others as well. It wouldn’t need to be violent. It would just shift its mass towards the trough, and the other pigs would just be moved aside. When it ate, I got a closer look at that mottled body. It was covered in small lumps and marks that at first I thought might have been ticks or some other sort of parasite. But as I got closer, I saw that they were scars. Shot scars, most of them, with some that looked like they might have been from spikes or axes. One of them… looked like finger marks. As I stared at it, still stood in the pen, my eyes darted again to the gate and the lock that was now looking far too flimsy. It could just leave and-and attack; there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just watched it eat all the food. Not enough food, apparently, since after a few days of this, it decided to supplement its diet with poor Toby. I’d looked after Toby since he was born. I’d helped birth him. He was my friend. So when I saw what was left of him lying in the pigpen on that damp Tuesday morning, I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. He was the first of my pigs to go, but I was sure he wouldn’t be the last. I tried to get the other pigs out a couple of times, move them to another pen, but the monster would start to shift its weight towards me with alarming speed, and I would always run away like a coward. The only time I seemed to be safe was when I was bringing food. This went on for months. My brother, Kurt, came for a visit at one point. He said he planned to stay a couple of weeks, but the very first night I was woken up by the sound of movement outside of the farmhouse. I grabbed a torch, popped on my boots, and headed outside. I didn’t even consider not checking the pig sty first. Sure enough, as I got close, I heard something, though it wasn’t entirely clear what it was. It wasn’t the sound of a colossal pig eating my brother though, so that was encouraging. It was him, though, stood there, staring into the darkness. He was muttering something to himself. I think the words were, “Long pig. Short pig. Wide pig. Narrow pig.” Over and over. “Long pig. Short pig. Wide pig. Narrow pig.” He didn’t seem to be entirely conscious, so I was reluctant to wake him. I didn’t think it was a nice situation to become aware of all of a sudden. That said, when he reached over and started fumbling with the latch, I quickly changed my mind, and shook him awake. His eyes snapped open properly and immediately focused on something behind me, in the sty. I didn’t need to look around or ask him what he was looking at. His pale, stricken face told me plain enough what it was. To his credit, he managed to stay another three days before he had to return to London on a ‘business emergency’. For context, I’m pretty sure he works as a traffic warden. And still the pig just sat there. Waiting. I believe it was the circus that got your attention though, wasn’t it? That’s what you were asking about when you turned up. So, the Carley Brothers Circus mostly tours around Australia, but every couple of years they do a New Zealand tour as well. They do a few other spots around the Pacific, but the important point for this story is that this is one of the years they’re doing New Zealand. Now, generally they need anywhere between a couple of weeks and a month of moving things over, setting up, and getting all the right permissions and arrangements in place before the tour begins in earnest. I went to school with the brother of the guy who runs it, so the last couple of years they’ve done this, I rented out one of my larger, unused fields to them for their staging area. It’s pretty easy money, and they don’t need to use my facilities, and tend to be almost entirely self-contained. The first year they did it there was a lot trash left behind we had had to clean up, but apparently someone bashed the right heads about it, since last year there was barely a cigarette stub left.
So the arrangements are all made, and the Carley Brothers Circus moves onto one of my fields for a month. I get drunk with the ringmaster and a couple of acrobats. So far, so normal. I almost forgot about the monster that lived in my pigpen. Almost. A few weeks passed without anything happening. Then one of the clowns disappeared. A man named Angus Dale. He’s been a member of the circus for almost ten years now. No drink or drug problems, and no issues with his personal life, nowhere particular else to go. Exactly no reason to up and vanish from his job without telling anyone where he’s going. They started a search of the Marlborough Forest, they informed local police, they started discussing the best ways to publicise the disappearance. I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Through it all there was this dark little suspicion growing in my mind. I never saw any evidence for it, not really. Nothing that would stand up in court, but even so, the suspicion grew into a theory, which grew into a certainty. That pig, that monster still squatted in my sty. The lock hadn’t been damaged or left open, so it was hard to see how it could have gotten out to attack a clown, or even how Angus might have gotten in. But I know he did. I know that thing killed and ate him. I keep having this dream. I used to watch the rehearsals for the Carley Brothers’ performances, and I can clearly remember Angus Dale’s voice, or at least his clowning voice. I was watching him perform, but instead of a comedy skit or a bit of slapstick, he would sink his teeth into his limbs with this crunching, cracking sound, gradually eating himself. But even with a mouth full of meat, his laugh was still clear as a bell, his jokes and pleas for mercy clearly articulated. He never gave any sign he was in pain, but every few seconds he would stop laughing or chewing, and just repeat the words, “Long pig. Short pig. Wide pig. Narrow pig,” before starting up again. When I finally managed to drag myself out of bed the next morning, there was a bright, white, human femur on the ground in the pig sty, lying in front of the enormous fleshy form that just gazed at me in horrid triumph. I didn’t want to tell anyone. That would have brought investigation, the police, efforts to exterminate the man-eating thing that looked so much like a pig. It wouldn’t go how they expected, I was sure of that, and I didn’t know what to do. Would it kill more people if I just left it alone, or if they tried to kill it? I never had much call for ethics before really, it was just… grapes and pigs. And when faced with that choice, I found myself completely paralysed. After about ten minutes standing there in silence, staring at that bone, I walked into the pen, and I lay down motionless in front of the monster pig. Thinking now, that decision seems alien to me, but I think I just couldn’t stand the thought of going any further in the story that was playing out in front of me. It smelt awful on the floor, and as the pink form began to move towards me, my resolve started to waver. It was far too heavy to be supported by its skinny, twig-like legs, but something still propelled it slowly forward, inch by inch, that familiar pink drool leaving a thin path for the enormous body to follow, until it was right on top of me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, waiting to feel the pain of it starting to tear into my flesh. But instead, I felt it settle next to me, the meat of it sinking into the spaces left by my position. It was pressing up against me, and let out the most contented sound I have ever heard from a pig. The message could not have been clearer: ‘Friend’. I don’t know how long I lay there in that stinking pig sty, listening to the calm, relaxed breathing of the murderous thing that had chosen to spare me. Eventually it retreated to its corner, and I stood and walked back into the house. If you hadn’t turned up that evening, I don’t know what I’d have done. I know a monster pig wasn’t what you were looking for, but I do appreciate your advice. When you explained the situation, I hoped you’d have some special trick for dealing with it, but I suppose welding scrap metal around the pen and filling it with cement just about works, even if I do owe Mason a favour for borrowing his mixer. I’d have thought the thing would at least try to break free while I did it, but… thank heaven for small mercies, I suppose. A huge block of solid concrete. What ought to do with it? Some sort of engraving, maybe? “In memory of Toby”? I can’t very well put it up “In memory of Angus”. That’s what really gets me, to be honest. Those pigs didn’t deserve what that thing did to them. Tearing them apart and eating them. Neither did Angus, of course. The circus is still around if you want to talk to them, but the search for Angus Dale is still going on, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring my name up. Oh, and if you’re hungry, I’ve got some bacon in the freezer I’m going to cook up. What? Statement ends. ARCHIVIST Another dead end for Gertrude, it seems. Assuming it was Gertrude Mr. Anderson was talking to, but I feel that’s a safe assumption as the tickets to Wellington were only for one. Perhaps Gerard joined her later? I can only imagine her frustration upon chasing down a mysterious disappearance with a circus connection, only to find herself instead trying to help contain an evil pig. Too much meat. The disappearance of Angus Dale is still an open case though, no leads have been found since a possible reported sighting in 2016 that didn’t amount to anything. Martin attempted to make contact with Mr. Anderson himself, but after a few unanswered emails and calls ringing out, I think we can safely abandon that hope. There is one loose end I’m hoping might amount to something though. Mr. Anderson mentioned his brother, Kurt, emigrated to the UK, and works as a traffic warden. At least, as of 2014. Melanie’s seeing if she can hunt him down. If he’s still around, there’s a possibility he might be able to fill in a few of the… missing pieces. I currently have nothing to indicate where Gertrude might have travelled next, but I… I have a hunch Kurt Anderson might be able to help. [CLICK] [CLICK] [BUSY STREET NOISES] ARCHIVIST Er, excuse me, are you Kurt Anderson? KURT Yeah, why? ARCHIVIST Dylan Anderson is your… is your brother? KURT Yeah… Why is he in some kind of trouble? ARCHIVIST Oh no, I-I-I want to… I just have a couple of questions. KURT Look buddy, I’m not sure about- ARCHIVIST It’s about a pig he owned back in 2014. KURT Woah. No, I don’t know anything about that. ARCHIVIST Well, it’s kind of a weird one - No, look, I know we haven’t met… KURT [Insistent] I don’t know what you’re talking about. ARCHIVIST [Sighs] Fine… What do you know about the pig?
KURT I only met it once, and it freaked me right out. I haven’t been back since. But Dylan says he managed to get rid of it. ARCHIVIST Did he mention an old woman who helped him? KURT Yeah, but he didn’t say how. Told me some weird guy turned up afterwards, and she went off with him in a real hurry. Left heaps of stuff behind and all. ARCHIVIST Er, w-w-what, what stuff did she leave behind? KURT I don’t know, papers, letters, a couple of old plane tickets. Now listen, dude … ARCHIVIST No, no, did he say what he did with them? KURT He sent them to me, asked me to get them back to her. ARCHIVIST A-And did you? KURT No, couldn’t be bothered. Then I forgot. I’ve still got them somewhere, I think. ARCHIVIST I, um, I, I work with her. Could I … could I collect them? KURT No! I don’t know even know you! Just get away, dude. Weirdo. Leave me alone. ARCHIVIST B-B-B-But those papers are very important. KURT Get away from me. ARCHIVIST Fine, fine, just… What’s your darkest secret? KURT I don’t know. Er, sometimes I take little bribes, and not give people a ticket. [Realises] Oh, what the hell? ARCHIVIST Right, okay, I imagine Lambeth Borough Council would be very interested to know that, and I have it on tape. So… let’s go get those papers, shall we? KURT [Afraid] What are you?! ARCHIVIST Let’s go. [CLICK] [CLICK] [TUNNEL SOUNDS; VOICES ECHO] ARCHIVIST Thank you for coming. DAISY Sure. Why down here? ARCHIVIST I, um, E-Elias, I-I think… I think he has a hard time seeing things down here. DAISY I.e. he’s not watching? ARCHIVIST Maybe? I’m, I’m pretty sure it takes him actual effort, so… and it’s Wednesday afternoon, when he does his scheduling. So I’m hoping he’s distracted. … He, er… he loves scheduling. DAISY Right. So, if he’s not paying attention, and I kill you down here… ARCHIVIST I mean, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t risk it. DAISY Hm. ARCHIVIST Look, I’m… I’m going away for a while. The, the things I’m, I’m looking for they’re… they’re not in England, not in the UK, I don’t think. So I… I just wanted to, to ask, make sure you were going to look after the others. DAISY That’s my job. Now. Apparently. ARCHIVIST I-I-I I don’t just mean Basira. E-Elias… DAISY I’ll keep an eye on them. That all? ARCHIVIST No. No. I was, I was… I was thinking. This… Section 31 unit that, that you’re a part of - DAISY [Insistent] Not a unit! Just paperwork. ARCHIVIST Right but, but… what do they think about Elias? DAISY Best avoided. Pretty harmless. Um, crimes involving the Institute get people sectioned, but he’s not an active threat. ARCHIVIST If we had evidence that he was an active threat, that he was killing people, he, he was the one threatening to make all of your stuff public, do you think they’d move against him? DAISY … Maybe. ARCHIVIST I mean, he’s got knowledge, but I-I don’t know how much that would help in - What? DAISY You sure you want to talk with that thing running? ARCHIVIST Oh. Um, I-I… I didn’t … didn’t realise I’d turned it on. DAISY Huh. We don’t know how he’s watching. No evidence. ARCHIVIST R-Right. [CLICK]
same with all the traumatised British moving to NZ I was beginning to worry that we were exempt from monsters, but am glad to know that the monsters care about our existence more than your traditional American map :D
All horror involving pigs is especially disturbing if you live where I do. My mom personally knew one of the women who was murdered by Pickton and fed to pigs, she has to skip all pig related episodes in crime shows
Not a creepy chant *at all*. I wonder if the pig is there to introduce Gertrude to Duncan as a place to leave her papers and such. Is Gertrude being played by a power other than the Eye? Was she claimed before joining the Archive, making her less thralled? John is leaning into his powers, apparently, hoping, I guess that he can use them to extricate himself. A very dangerous gambit.
"those pigs didn't deserve what happened to them" these are the livestock farmers i respect, the ones who treat their animals with care before they die and dont see them just as food.
Can you imagine how hilarious it would be if this dude decided to show up to the Institute to make a statement about some weirdo that compelled him to tell the truth?
lmaoo that would be golden
Well you're really gonna love next season
"Yes hello I'd like to make a statem-"
"Oh! Hello there Kurt. Was this about me or something else?"
**looks at you for a slightly long moment**
**broken laughter that grows increasingly loud and unhinged and is soon accompanied by sobs**
Jon taking the statement: 👁️👄👁️
The real friends are the supernatural pigs we met along the way.
Lmao
I was so scared what was going on and then awwww'd at that last bit, he'd get so many pets all the time
I mean are we sure it was supernatural. Maybe it was just wandering around New Zealand looking for a friend and all that aggression the farmer was sensing was actually just the pig wanting to be friends.
The real friends were the clowns we are along the way 🤡
Going through this series for the first time. Always love popping into the comments before I start the episode and seeing the most random crap.
Imagine if that street warden went on a long ramble about his hidden childhood traumas in the middle of a busy street. Or if he had a secret foot fetish. The point I’m trying to make here is that Jon was extremely lucky
truth
Imagine if Kurt had a Darkest Secret similar to Daisy's
maybe Jon somehow _knew_ what he was about to hear? otherwise, he was extremely lucky, yeah
"What do you know about the pig?"
*cue the spoopy music*
"You ever have a pig look at you with hate in its eyes? Probably not, most people never have a pig look at them with anything other than deliciousness. This pig though... there's a thing I once read about in a..."
*20 minutes later*
"...but then I thought... better to cut to the MEAT of the issue..."
"..."
"..."
"...statement ends"
@@MPythonGirli assumed this was what he wanted. he already knows a cop that kills people, and murder wouldve been more than enough blackmail.
I find it ironic that he claims friendship with the pigs while acknowledging that he can never fully trust them because they might one day eat him, which is exactly how the pigs probably feel about him
Sooo true it's like he's afraid they'll do to him what he does to them. And the way he cried when one of the pigs got eaten? Literally like 5 minutes after describing how good they tasted
@@paprikared Anyone who's grown up around farm animals can tell you how attached you can get to something you know you'll eventually eat.
I'm not sure i understand how the monster pig is different than the regular pigs in this sense
Jon finally got asked what all those other creatures get asked.. “What *are* you?”
And I am *thrilled*.
Ha. Poor Jon.
I don't think he even really knows
I got strangely and overly excited at that for a reason I can't quite place
Was fully expecting him to sign and say "tired" before the blackmail 😂
*The guy:* I didn't buy it, I didn't deliver it ...
*Breekon and Hope:* Don't be suspicious, no don't be suspicious...
"and if you're hungry, I've got bacon in the freezer... what?"
not ashamed to say I laughed at that
Man's a true animal friend farmer. Enjoy your time with your animals, then dont allow them to to to waste. I respect him.
Tbh I got worried but because if the bacon is frozen and he just tries to fry it with oil it's likely gonna be a trip to the hospital lmao
@@Lu_ciernagawait, why would that be a trip to the hospital? Surely he'd defreeze it first
@@joyc.e.7511 he says he has the bacon in the freezer and is offering it as lunch/dinner/whatever, so i took it as him taking the bacon straight off the freezer and into the oil instead of waiting for it to thaw
“What’s your darkest secret?” WHOA THERE JONNY BOY
"What are you??"
Jonny did a full-on Lucifer play there lmao
@cak01vej I'm expecting something real bad and then
"Sometimes I take bribes and don't give people tickets?"
Oh this sweet summer child. Considering our *other* cop MURDERS PEOPLE, Kurt is fucking adorable.
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL YOU EARNED YOURSELF POINTS POINTS FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!
I cackled. Jon has less and less time for people causing problems for him.
i'd like to note that long pig is another name for human meat
I had the exact same thought
oh that's a piece of trivia i could do without 😰
Human, the other Other white meat. Unaccountably peckish menace, Long pork, long pig.
Meat is meat
I was thinking about that the day before I listened to this one. >.>
jon blackmails a traffic warden asmr
Jon going full Archivist on some poor dude in the middle of the street huh
I guess «The darkest secret» was meant to be acsactly something Jon needed to blackmail the guy, and people he Ascks always seem to give the answer Jon wanted to learn
Oh man, Jon using his powers on that guy was such a dirty move, I loved it.
Baby Archivist is learning to flex his muscle.
I think that was actually martin
@@Rin-qj7zt hm no, it was jon. it was his voice, he's the only one with compulsion powers, and martin isn't even listed in the episode credits
@@f_mva yeaaah I see it now
@@f_mva He sounded just like Martin for a second there. You know, kind insecurely smarmy and self-righteous, with a lot of treble?
Imagine that traffic cop going to the institute to give a statement "regarding a telepathic stranger" just to find Jon ready to record his statement.
kurt: hello im here to give a statement-
jon: 👁👄👁
kurt: 👁👄👁
@@f_mva Elias 👁️👄👁️
@@f_mva The Eye: 👁️
Kurt: ......oh you've got to be kidding me.
Jon: You get used to it. I will take your statement by the way, I hold no ill will towards you.
Kurt: You get used to.....I should go.
Jon: That's also fair.
@@ЭвелинаСавушкина The Archive: *sprouts eyes* 👁️👁️
Imagine playing truth or dare with jon
Or any board game for the matter
He’d be a master at mafia or werewolf
just pick dare every time, i bet he wouldn't come up with anything
Imagine playing any game that involves lying or having to keep things hidden.
Filipa Maria Costa Naw, he’s just dare you to tell him something important 😬
Jon saying “cock and balls” in such a serious tone is the absolute peak of the series, finale be damned.
he really.... cemented their friendship, huh
Lepitorus d o n t
Thank you
That pun could probably do psychic damage
YYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH * music plays *
Hahahahahaha!
There's something adorable about the fact that the monster pig thinks his feeder to be his friend.
Long as he let it eat whatever or whoever and not try to kill it that is lolololol.
I know don't is the same thing, but, human are able to eat what we say friend 🐄
I mean in a way, it's better it thinks of him as a friend then an enemy or even food
I really wasn't properly prepared for hearing jon's voice say "cock and balls"
Real💀
i cant take this one 100% seriously the little pig chant is SENDING me
SAME
It becomes slightly creepy when you know that 'long pig' is what call cannibals call humans. We supposedly taste like pork.
Nizati you do
sounds like a forbidden dr seuss poem
John is getting used to his news powers. I like it
apart from the one where his index finger automatically lands on the tape recorder . .
@@tasharch I always assumed they started by themselves.
Well, be it Jon turning them on without realising it, or them turning on on their own, I think it's safe to assume there's something sinister going on here. Some sinister happenings, if you will.
@@SwirlyPinwheel it’s been insinuated that they’ve been turning on themselves as they’ll randomly turn on when they’re in a bag and we’ll get sections of no dialogue, but it maybe seems like jon turned this one on himself as he says “I didn’t realize I’d turned it on” not “I didn’t turn it on”
He certainly doesn't
jon is BLACKMAILING people with his powers now i love it and im so proud of him
I'm so proud of this tried, scrungly man
Me: "Yeah, this podcast has a lot of really scary stuff. It's deeply unsettling, but listenable."
Gets to the episode.
KILLER MONSTER PIG
THEY FOUND MY FEAR
There’s an episode like that for everyone, I’d bet
@@MagnaFae Sometimes more than one! :)
My least favorite is MAG 16: Arachnophobia as I have SEVERE arachnophobia and the first listen through I had to have a sit down for a long while before continuing afterwards. There are a few that really hurt me inside, but of course in case of any prying eyes I won’t say anything other than the phrase “statements regarding an Alzheimer’s mansion and a gaslighting psychiatric caregiver.”
@@whomstisthisseriously? You were gotten by the statement of Carlos "can you be haunted by the ghost of a spider that ruined your childhood? It sounds absurd it sounds laughable" Vittery? Carlos was just too funny to me for me to be spooked by the spookies in it.
@@lordtoademort8124 I mean sure, the fellow himself is funny, but again: severe arachnophobia makes spider content that much more upsetting to me
you know what? that's a cute one, actually. sure, the pig ate people (and your other pigs), but it's your FRIEND! i'd get a man-eating monster pig friend if i could!
I would too
I was kinda sad when he cemented the monster pig after it calling him a fren
aren't humans just pig-eating monsters?
I mean....it ate his other pig friends. That’s sad. I wouldn’t want a pig friend at the cost of all my other pig friends, no matter how much of a convenient body disposal method they would be.
But if I could just have scary pig friend, that’d be cool.
The way this comment is worded it sounds like how my ex talks and I dont know how I feel about that
Elias would be so proud of Jon for getting his first blackmail.
I'm sure he was watching and was very pleased at Jon's...progress
This whole time, Jon's been the punching bag. At the mercy of everyone, quite literally the weakest entity on the planet. Now look at him.
My baby just got his first "what are you?". He's blackmailing. He's using his powers. Start runnin, folks. 18:55 if anyone wants to hear it again and again.
Me. That's me.
The guy explaining at the beginning that a pig eating people is not that unbelievable was somehow really funny?
Also that warden has a very vanilla life if "getting bribed to not give tickets" is his darkest secret.
Really? I've heard really grotesque stories about pigs eating people. Fiction about that isn't funny to me at all.
The idea of a giant monster pig cuddling up to a man and sighing very contentedly really scratches a particular itch in my brain
Long Pig is just another way of saying "Human Meat".
Kurt: Get away from me
Jon: Fine, fine, just… *What’s your darkest secret?*
Kurt: I don’t know. Er, sometimes I take little bribes, and not give people a ticket.
*Oh, what the hell?*
Jon: Right, okay, I imagine Lambeth Borough Council would be very interested to know that, and I have it on tape. So… let’s go get those papers, shall we?
Kurt: *What are you?*
The daytime city ambiance conceals most of the Jon powers sound effect
Like, that cop coulda been all "I killed my wife's first husband so I could be with her instead", or "I blackmailed my friend into giving my ex HIV" and it's just?? A little dirty money with very little harmful consequence at all!? What a cinnamon bun
@@tanisnewby5380Wtf have you been doing, hmmmmm??
when the guy talked abt crying over the dead pig i got really sad. toby was his friend :(
That actually made me really sad. Poor Toby.
"It just sat there. STARING at me. The big wanted to hurt me."
Interesting how the spider guy said exactly the same thing...
Peppa pig vs monster pig who would win
Peppa
Spider Pig
Me
Him
Peppa, obviously
why do I even bother eating while listening to tma
I'm so glad I finished eating just as this episode started lol
eating rn and regretting it ✨
Eating while watching hannibal made me immune to these kind of stuff tbh
good thing i never lose my appetite. i used to have lunch while watching science and medical programs often involving surgeries
the traffic warden: what are you?
jon: tired
Did Jon just used his powers on purpose? :D
the boy is learning
We started with a cig, the vast enjoys big, we read the word dig, Nikola probably has a wig, and now we've arrived at pig.
Poetry.
This takes me back to when I was kid and we'd visit my grandparents who had farm animals, pigs being one of them. They had that one huge sow I was scared of. My grandfather, who was usually a quiet stoic man, would call it over, it lied down in front of him and let him scratch her belly until it fell asleep. With a straight face he'd tell me to watch my fingers around it while still giving it belly rubs. Pigs are the cats among livestock.
Pigs are the size cats wish they were
As someone who has had a pet pig. This is true. They will not wait until you're dead to eat you.
My pig, Peggy (I was a bit of a Hamilton fan at the time) would just bite my head anytime I laid down next to her. Scared the hell out of me when I was sleeping and she bit my toes
Peggy "piggy" Schuyler
I'm only waiting 'till the internet remakes that chant to "tol pig, smol pig, thicc pig, skinny pig"
The pig song reminds me of a song I learnt in German. It goes :
"Guten Tag, Guten Tag! Sagen alle Kinder,
große Kinder, kleine Kinder, dicke Kinder, dünne Kinder,
Guten Tag, Guten Tag, sagen alle Kinder!"
I think it can be translated as :
"Good morning, good morning! Say all the children,
Long children, short children, wide children, narrow children
Good morning, good morning! Say all the children"
Of course, you wouldn't translate it this way unless you're a cannibal that what to eat the children (since you don't say that a child is "long" or "wide") but technically, that's what that means.
So yeah. I was reminded of a child song I didn't sing for about 10 years by a men-eating pig. That was creepy.
how are you supposed to translate it?
@@tmaxgo6696 i won't undeestand the question since I already put a translation in the comment 🤔
@x y Weiss es nicht. Its war nur ein sang ich habe in schoole gelearnt
I just noticed Jon catching himself
"I kn--I have a hunch"
Took until the third listen
"That's big. Bigger than big. That's a monster pig." xD
I loved that line way too much
Also that guy's reaction to telling Jon his darkest secret was golden
Is the "long pig, short pig, wide pig, narrow pig" like the monster pig comparing people and pigs...? Somehow it took forever to dawn on me
Long pig is a name for human meet so probably
Oh shiet thats gud
i noticed every time Jon said this line, there was static in the recorder
The statick appear each time something of power is mentioned. And when he Ascks people with his ability the manification of power it is
Guy: what are you?
The John in my head: I am the one who asks questions
It was at this point that Jon had become The Question.
@@CryHavoc12 Avatar of The Question
There is something in me that just Fizzled Up with HYPE just hearing Jon be like "Alright, Fuck It. Just Casually use my superpowers in the middle of a traffic scene." and then the "What are you?" like he can't get away with being completely innocent anymore!! >:D
There's something darkly hilarious about the image of a massive pig eating a clown
So I was scrolling through Tumblr at the same time as listening to this and I got to a post about cops right as he said "regarding a case about an unusual pig" and I just O.O the coincidence man...
soooo any theories on why the monster pig didn't kill him? like my first instinct is to say it was because he wasn't afraid anymore, like that lady that laid down in the collapsing train and was just gonna let it kill her, but idk. The guy had the distinct impression the pig considered him a friend, rather than becoming disinterested in him. I'm just really curious why, since before he said it wanted to hurt him.
He helped him cover up the murder(and possibly look the other way to commit more) in his mind that was his definition of "friend". Also you should be more careful reading these the meaning was right there
Avatars keep some of their original traits right? They’ve still got some free will. I guess this was true pig nature coming through. The guy brought him food too.
I know it's been three years, but I have a different imterpretation that I think fits better.
Like, people are forgetting the way the narrator describes pigs at the beginning. They can be incredibly affectionate creatures, they can be your best friends, but those very same pigs might also eat you alive if they're feeling a bit peckish. The Monster Pig is no different. He might see the guy as a friend, yet that doesn't mean it's not going to eat him anyway. And the narrator himself is the same, he sees his pigs as friends and cares for them but he still plans to kill and eat them all the same. In fact, the way the narrator sees the Monster Pig is probably very similar to the way his pigs see him. That's where the fear comes from in this statement. Just imagine being forced to live with this being that treats you like a friend, but most likely still plans to kill and eat you, every time he comes near you, you have to wonder if he's going to give you a treat or cuddle with you or take you to a slaugther house and eat your corpse. Everyday is basically a game of Russian Roulette.
When it comes to the Flesh, meat is meat, that means your friend today, might be your meal tomorrow, or you might be their meal instead.
ooh, I like your thoughts on this one. This feels correct, and digs more into the nature of this particular horror than my theory did. Thanks for sharing! @@sararitoagostinho2956
Bro, hearing Jon actually use his power purposely was honestly really weird, but also really cool. also... NOOOO TOM! Poor piggy didn't deserve that.
I honestly would love to hear John talk about Pigs for hours. . . Poor Toby, that was the real loss in this episode.
The cognitive dissonance displayed by the farmer is really fascinating. Viewing the pigs as friends, but sending them off to get killed.
Crying when Toby was eaten, despite the fact he was planning to kill and eat Toby
In the story he mentioned eating the pigs after they "inevitably" died, meaning either put down due to illness or simply dying naturally. For his farm they were compost and waste disposal, so killing the pigs likely wasnt something he was keen on. You know, till the Blob.
To be fair, i don't think that's uncommon mentality for farmers. Hand-rearing animals for months if not years tends to build up empathy, even despite the practicality of the situation leading to the farmer slaughtering them later on.
Its actually pretty normal, humans form relationships with creatures they spend a long time with. Its okay, its natural to have that sadness when you eat an animal that you had a connection with - it gives you a new look, a respect for them both before and after. Its something we've lost as most of us have lost the connection to where our food comes from be it an ear of corn or pork. I think that loss of knowledge and respect is the truly sad and terrible thing
The number of farm kids I've known who've raised pigs and calves as children only to eat them later would probably shock you.
Think of it like a rite of passage in growing up on a farm.
My grandfather owned cows that were sent to be killed but kept some. I never liked it :(
this dude : the pig wanted to hurt me. he was malicious. evil.
the pig : vibin
oh god i am going to cry the farmer keeps calling the pigs his friends and they keep dying :(
the "i helped birth Toby. he was my friend" had me crying
@@h444teligament That was honestly really sad. Although, the farmer's mindset was a bit confusing. He said he saw them as his friends, and I believe he was being truthful. But he also sent them off to get killed. He got sad when they were killed and eaten by the monster pig, but he has (indirectly) killed and eaten them as well
@@alex6027 yeah, that's something that's always baffled me about farmers. when they treat livestock they'll end up killing kindly, but don't let themselves get too emotionally attached- that makes sense.
when they befriend animals that won't be slaughtered, like woolgiving sheep or milk cows- i get that too.
but befriending the animal you're going to kill-- it's not a bad thing, i just don't understand it. it feels like you're just setting yourself up for pain
@@mjamin9124 It doesn't sound like he's keeping the pigs to kill them at all, so it's more of a "not letting their remains go to waste when they die naturally" situation.
It was the "He was my friend" that got me 😢
Ngl, I LOVE how Jon used his powers in this one. Yess, slay blackmail king !!
I really thought for a moment there that there would be another statement later on from the brother that implied that the pig had somehow made Dylan a cannibal and Dylan was the one who ate the clown
Omg that would have been so creepy !
the last person the pig ate tasted funny so it couldnt eat the next guy
The perspective through wich the audience sees the story makes me feel like one of the entities watching through a tiny window into the universe of tma
I think we are supposed to be the eye
This reminds me of the oat meme. The brother can I have some oats meme. Where it's a painting of these Renaissance pigs
Jon finally figuring out how to use the compelling to his advantage. Amazing.
A very revealing final couple of minutes in this one! Getting incredibly interesting.
Elias would be such a proud big brother if he knew Jon used his ability to blackmail someone lmao
If Kurt shows up at the Institute at some point to talk about a strange guy who forced to tell him stuff, I'll laugh.
'what are you'
i get the feeling that Jon doesn't even fully know any more
Jon is growing up so fast. I'm so proud.
I actually had to ask my family how much a pig weights - around 100 - 140 kg max
So yeah a monster pig
Weird to listen to the old episodes haha
That depends on the type of pig. Adults can go up to 250-300kg no problem. Slaughter usually happens when they are younger, at around 125kg.
I know this comment is hella old but still.
Are we proud of Jon? Yes, we are proud that our boy is learning. He's doing great.
"It´s just sitting there"
"MENACINGLY"
SO MUCH STUFF to unpack! Giant pig! Heck yeah blackmail powers, it does feel nice to see Jon in control for once! Also I adore the complexity of the relationships growing between the characters. "He loves scheduling" like yes you can feel the familiarity with his murderous boss that he's known for years and was friendly with. And Daisy promising to look after the others.... oh, we do love a redemption arc. Wonderful stuff.
19:52 "he loves scheduling" wow. Don't all managers schedule around Wednesday?
Last time I checked, Wednesday has been cancelled due to scheduling errors
I’m new to this but imagine John pulling a Lucifer, “what do you truly desire…”
Whoa, getting ruthless. I wonder how far he's going to go. Also Daisy, always thinking of a way to kill Jon. xD
Jon using his powers for blackmail gives me life.
19:21 Why did I expect him to say "The Archivist" like The Doctor would in Doctor Who 💀
OH I LOVE IT WHEN JON USES HIS POWERS
"what's your darkest secret" Jon, oh my gosh, dude!
For anyone trying to track down the statics. There are some every time "long pig, short pig, wild pig, narrow pig" is pronounced
Cockin' and ballin'
ThatBleak and torturin’
I was not expecting to hear "cock and balls" in this podcast tbh
[CLICK]
ARCHIVIST
Statement of Dylan Anderson, regarding an unusual pig he acquired on his farm near the Marlborough Forest, New Zealand. Original statement given July 2nd, 2014. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.
Statement begins.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
Pigs are tricky. They are very intelligent animals. But I’ve found I can never completely bring myself to trust them. They can be your best friend, then tackle your legs from behind if they’re feeling mean. And when a pig hits you, you know you’ve been hit. It doesn’t help matters that I am acutely aware that a pig would be more than happy to eat me if the opportunity came up. They’re true omnivores, and they wouldn’t necessarily even do me the courtesy of waiting until I was dead. I’ve heard more than one grisly story of a farmer passing out drunk in a pigpen, and in the morning there’s only bones. I had my cousin, Melinda, visiting a few years back with her son, and I told her to make sure and keep the baby away from the pigs. I still remember the dawning look of horror on her face when I told her why, like she couldn’t believe that a pig would just… eat a baby. But most pigs would. Most pigs will eat just about anything that doesn’t stop them.
I feel I may be doing pigs a disservice here, to be honest. When I say a pig can be your best friend, I’m not exaggerating. They can be tremendously affectionate creatures, and I’ve known more than one pig that I’d put in the running against any of my human friends. But it’s hard to get past the idea that if my human friends would draw a cock and balls on my face when I’m sleeping off the drink, my pig friends might just… eat me. They probably wouldn’t. ‘Cause we’re friends. But they might.
It’s not even like I run a proper pig farm, I just keep a few at a time, since they’re quite handy to have about. A couple of pigs are a great way to dispose of waste, and their manure is great for composting. And, I can’t deny, when it’s their time, they are… quite tasty. And I do sell the meat, though I take a lot of pains to make sure people know it was raised cruelty free. I take care of them. The point is, I certainly have never had so many pigs that I would lose track. And I know I never bought or birthed the monster pig.
When I first called it that, it was just because it was huge. I never got a chance to properly weigh it, but it must have come in at around three or four hundred kilos. I don’t know if you know about pigs, but that’s big. Bigger than big. It’s a monster pig. I didn’t find out about the rest until… well, I didn’t know.
I don’t know when it came from. I didn’t buy it. I didn’t take delivery of it, and as far as I can tell, no-one else did either. It’s a bit hard to tell as this was back in March, so the Merlot harvest season was well underway. As you’ve seen, while I do have a few pigs, this is a vineyard. We supply grapes to a lot of the bigger winemakers around here, and I’d been toying with the idea of starting my own label but haven’t really done anything with it yet. Oh, uh, when you’re writing this up, make it’s clear that we’re near the Marlborough Forest, but that’s not the same thing as the Marlborough region, which is famous for wine. That’s on the South Island. I just don’t want there to be any confusion.
Where was I? Yeah, it was the height of the Merlot harvest, so most of us, myself included, were out in the vineyard for pretty much the whole day. I hadn’t checked on the pigs in a while, but the next time I headed into the sty… there it was, sat in the corner, just encompassing the corner, its bulk filling the place out as the other, smaller pigs, tried to find somewhere to be that wasn’t next to it. It just sat there, and stared at me. I didn’t like staring back at it. It made me feel strange, like it was sorting me into cuts of meat. There was more in those eyes than I’d ever seen in another pig; hidden among the rolls of pink flesh, they had malice in them. The pig wanted to hurt me. I’m sure of that.
I-I didn’t know what to do. I just - I asked around to see if anyone knew where it had come from, but no-one had any idea. They were just as baffled as I was. Though they could see it, which was, you know, a relief.
Or not, since it being real meant it had to be fed. Part of me did consider immediately trying to send it for slaughter, but… but something about the way it looked at me, almost daring me to try it, a thin trickle of pink saliva glistening around its mouth. I’m absolutely sure if I’d asked Manawa, or any of the others, to bring it out for that, they would be dead. In fact, the more I think about the whole situation, the more certain I am that the monster pig wanted nothing more than to kill and eat me. It just didn’t want the hassle of breaking out of the sty. Though I’m sure it could have if it really wanted to.
I tried to feed it, but it was so huge, it ate so much, and there wasn’t enough for all the others as well. It wouldn’t need to be violent. It would just shift its mass towards the trough, and the other pigs would just be moved aside. When it ate, I got a closer look at that mottled body. It was covered in small lumps and marks that at first I thought might have been ticks or some other sort of parasite. But as I got closer, I saw that they were scars. Shot scars, most of them, with some that looked like they might have been from spikes or axes. One of them… looked like finger marks. As I stared at it, still stood in the pen, my eyes darted again to the gate and the lock that was now looking far too flimsy. It could just leave and-and attack; there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just watched it eat all the food.
Not enough food, apparently, since after a few days of this, it decided to supplement its diet with poor Toby. I’d looked after Toby since he was born. I’d helped birth him. He was my friend. So when I saw what was left of him lying in the pigpen on that damp Tuesday morning, I’m not ashamed to say that I cried. He was the first of my pigs to go, but I was sure he wouldn’t be the last. I tried to get the other pigs out a couple of times, move them to another pen, but the monster would start to shift its weight towards me with alarming speed, and I would always run away like a coward. The only time I seemed to be safe was when I was bringing food.
This went on for months. My brother, Kurt, came for a visit at one point. He said he planned to stay a couple of weeks, but the very first night I was woken up by the sound of movement outside of the farmhouse. I grabbed a torch, popped on my boots, and headed outside. I didn’t even consider not checking the pig sty first. Sure enough, as I got close, I heard something, though it wasn’t entirely clear what it was. It wasn’t the sound of a colossal pig eating my brother though, so that was encouraging. It was him, though, stood there, staring into the darkness. He was muttering something to himself. I think the words were, “Long pig. Short pig. Wide pig. Narrow pig.” Over and over. “Long pig. Short pig. Wide pig. Narrow pig.” He didn’t seem to be entirely conscious, so I was reluctant to wake him. I didn’t think it was a nice situation to become aware of all of a sudden. That said, when he reached over and started fumbling with the latch, I quickly changed my mind, and shook him awake. His eyes snapped open properly and immediately focused on something behind me, in the sty. I didn’t need to look around or ask him what he was looking at. His pale, stricken face told me plain enough what it was.
To his credit, he managed to stay another three days before he had to return to London on a ‘business emergency’. For context, I’m pretty sure he works as a traffic warden. And still the pig just sat there. Waiting.
I believe it was the circus that got your attention though, wasn’t it? That’s what you were asking about when you turned up. So, the Carley Brothers Circus mostly tours around Australia, but every couple of years they do a New Zealand tour as well. They do a few other spots around the Pacific, but the important point for this story is that this is one of the years they’re doing New Zealand. Now, generally they need anywhere between a couple of weeks and a month of moving things over, setting up, and getting all the right permissions and arrangements in place before the tour begins in earnest. I went to school with the brother of the guy who runs it, so the last couple of years they’ve done this, I rented out one of my larger, unused fields to them for their staging area. It’s pretty easy money, and they don’t need to use my facilities, and tend to be almost entirely self-contained. The first year they did it there was a lot trash left behind we had had to clean up, but apparently someone bashed the right heads about it, since last year there was barely a cigarette stub left.
So the arrangements are all made, and the Carley Brothers Circus moves onto one of my fields for a month. I get drunk with the ringmaster and a couple of acrobats. So far, so normal. I almost forgot about the monster that lived in my pigpen. Almost.
A few weeks passed without anything happening. Then one of the clowns disappeared. A man named Angus Dale. He’s been a member of the circus for almost ten years now. No drink or drug problems, and no issues with his personal life, nowhere particular else to go. Exactly no reason to up and vanish from his job without telling anyone where he’s going. They started a search of the Marlborough Forest, they informed local police, they started discussing the best ways to publicise the disappearance.
I’m sure you can guess where this is going. Through it all there was this dark little suspicion growing in my mind. I never saw any evidence for it, not really. Nothing that would stand up in court, but even so, the suspicion grew into a theory, which grew into a certainty. That pig, that monster still squatted in my sty. The lock hadn’t been damaged or left open, so it was hard to see how it could have gotten out to attack a clown, or even how Angus might have gotten in. But I know he did. I know that thing killed and ate him.
I keep having this dream. I used to watch the rehearsals for the Carley Brothers’ performances, and I can clearly remember Angus Dale’s voice, or at least his clowning voice. I was watching him perform, but instead of a comedy skit or a bit of slapstick, he would sink his teeth into his limbs with this crunching, cracking sound, gradually eating himself. But even with a mouth full of meat, his laugh was still clear as a bell, his jokes and pleas for mercy clearly articulated. He never gave any sign he was in pain, but every few seconds he would stop laughing or chewing, and just repeat the words, “Long pig. Short pig. Wide pig. Narrow pig,” before starting up again. When I finally managed to drag myself out of bed the next morning, there was a bright, white, human femur on the ground in the pig sty, lying in front of the enormous fleshy form that just gazed at me in horrid triumph.
I didn’t want to tell anyone. That would have brought investigation, the police, efforts to exterminate the man-eating thing that looked so much like a pig. It wouldn’t go how they expected, I was sure of that, and I didn’t know what to do. Would it kill more people if I just left it alone, or if they tried to kill it? I never had much call for ethics before really, it was just… grapes and pigs. And when faced with that choice, I found myself completely paralysed.
After about ten minutes standing there in silence, staring at that bone, I walked into the pen, and I lay down motionless in front of the monster pig. Thinking now, that decision seems alien to me, but I think I just couldn’t stand the thought of going any further in the story that was playing out in front of me. It smelt awful on the floor, and as the pink form began to move towards me, my resolve started to waver. It was far too heavy to be supported by its skinny, twig-like legs, but something still propelled it slowly forward, inch by inch, that familiar pink drool leaving a thin path for the enormous body to follow, until it was right on top of me.
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, waiting to feel the pain of it starting to tear into my flesh. But instead, I felt it settle next to me, the meat of it sinking into the spaces left by my position. It was pressing up against me, and let out the most contented sound I have ever heard from a pig. The message could not have been clearer: ‘Friend’.
I don’t know how long I lay there in that stinking pig sty, listening to the calm, relaxed breathing of the murderous thing that had chosen to spare me. Eventually it retreated to its corner, and I stood and walked back into the house.
If you hadn’t turned up that evening, I don’t know what I’d have done. I know a monster pig wasn’t what you were looking for, but I do appreciate your advice. When you explained the situation, I hoped you’d have some special trick for dealing with it, but I suppose welding scrap metal around the pen and filling it with cement just about works, even if I do owe Mason a favour for borrowing his mixer. I’d have thought the thing would at least try to break free while I did it, but… thank heaven for small mercies, I suppose.
A huge block of solid concrete. What ought to do with it? Some sort of engraving, maybe? “In memory of Toby”? I can’t very well put it up “In memory of Angus”. That’s what really gets me, to be honest. Those pigs didn’t deserve what that thing did to them. Tearing them apart and eating them. Neither did Angus, of course.
The circus is still around if you want to talk to them, but the search for Angus Dale is still going on, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t bring my name up. Oh, and if you’re hungry, I’ve got some bacon in the freezer I’m going to cook up.
What?
Statement ends.
ARCHIVIST
Another dead end for Gertrude, it seems. Assuming it was Gertrude Mr. Anderson was talking to, but I feel that’s a safe assumption as the tickets to Wellington were only for one. Perhaps Gerard joined her later? I can only imagine her frustration upon chasing down a mysterious disappearance with a circus connection, only to find herself instead trying to help contain an evil pig. Too much meat.
The disappearance of Angus Dale is still an open case though, no leads have been found since a possible reported sighting in 2016 that didn’t amount to anything. Martin attempted to make contact with Mr. Anderson himself, but after a few unanswered emails and calls ringing out, I think we can safely abandon that hope.
There is one loose end I’m hoping might amount to something though. Mr. Anderson mentioned his brother, Kurt, emigrated to the UK, and works as a traffic warden. At least, as of 2014. Melanie’s seeing if she can hunt him down. If he’s still around, there’s a possibility he might be able to fill in a few of the… missing pieces. I currently have nothing to indicate where Gertrude might have travelled next, but I… I have a hunch Kurt Anderson might be able to help.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[BUSY STREET NOISES]
ARCHIVIST
Er, excuse me, are you Kurt Anderson?
KURT
Yeah, why?
ARCHIVIST
Dylan Anderson is your… is your brother?
KURT
Yeah… Why is he in some kind of trouble?
ARCHIVIST
Oh no, I-I-I want to… I just have a couple of questions.
KURT
Look buddy, I’m not sure about-
ARCHIVIST
It’s about a pig he owned back in 2014.
KURT
Woah. No, I don’t know anything about that.
ARCHIVIST
Well, it’s kind of a weird one - No, look, I know we haven’t met…
KURT
[Insistent] I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ARCHIVIST
[Sighs] Fine…
What do you know about the pig?
KURT
I only met it once, and it freaked me right out. I haven’t been back since. But Dylan says he managed to get rid of it.
ARCHIVIST
Did he mention an old woman who helped him?
KURT
Yeah, but he didn’t say how. Told me some weird guy turned up afterwards, and she went off with him in a real hurry. Left heaps of stuff behind and all.
ARCHIVIST
Er, w-w-what, what stuff did she leave behind?
KURT
I don’t know, papers, letters, a couple of old plane tickets. Now listen, dude …
ARCHIVIST
No, no, did he say what he did with them?
KURT
He sent them to me, asked me to get them back to her.
ARCHIVIST
A-And did you?
KURT
No, couldn’t be bothered. Then I forgot. I’ve still got them somewhere, I think.
ARCHIVIST
I, um, I, I work with her. Could I … could I collect them?
KURT
No! I don’t know even know you! Just get away, dude.
Weirdo. Leave me alone.
ARCHIVIST
B-B-B-But those papers are very important.
KURT
Get away from me.
ARCHIVIST
Fine, fine, just…
What’s your darkest secret?
KURT
I don’t know. Er, sometimes I take little bribes, and not give people a ticket.
[Realises] Oh, what the hell?
ARCHIVIST
Right, okay, I imagine Lambeth Borough Council would be very interested to know that, and I have it on tape. So… let’s go get those papers, shall we?
KURT
[Afraid] What are you?!
ARCHIVIST
Let’s go.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[TUNNEL SOUNDS; VOICES ECHO]
ARCHIVIST
Thank you for coming.
DAISY
Sure. Why down here?
ARCHIVIST
I, um, E-Elias, I-I think… I think he has a hard time seeing things down here.
DAISY
I.e. he’s not watching?
ARCHIVIST
Maybe? I’m, I’m pretty sure it takes him actual effort, so… and it’s Wednesday afternoon, when he does his scheduling. So I’m hoping he’s distracted.
…
He, er… he loves scheduling.
DAISY
Right.
So, if he’s not paying attention, and I kill you down here…
ARCHIVIST
I mean, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t risk it.
DAISY
Hm.
ARCHIVIST
Look, I’m… I’m going away for a while. The, the things I’m, I’m looking for they’re… they’re not in England, not in the UK, I don’t think. So I… I just wanted to, to ask, make sure you were going to look after the others.
DAISY
That’s my job. Now. Apparently.
ARCHIVIST
I-I-I I don’t just mean Basira. E-Elias…
DAISY
I’ll keep an eye on them. That all?
ARCHIVIST
No. No. I was, I was… I was thinking. This… Section 31 unit that, that you’re a part of -
DAISY
[Insistent] Not a unit! Just paperwork.
ARCHIVIST
Right but, but… what do they think about Elias?
DAISY
Best avoided. Pretty harmless. Um, crimes involving the Institute get people sectioned, but he’s not an active threat.
ARCHIVIST
If we had evidence that he was an active threat, that he was killing people, he, he was the one threatening to make all of your stuff public, do you think they’d move against him?
DAISY
…
Maybe.
ARCHIVIST
I mean, he’s got knowledge, but I-I don’t know how much that would help in - What?
DAISY
You sure you want to talk with that thing running?
ARCHIVIST
Oh. Um, I-I… I didn’t … didn’t realise I’d turned it on.
DAISY
Huh. We don’t know how he’s watching. No evidence.
ARCHIVIST
R-Right.
[CLICK]
@@petraivan6778 thank you!!
You're welcome! :)
Petra Iván thank youu
Damn Jon... pulling a Lucifer on him 👀
as a kiwi I do enjoy the love New Zealand is getting
New Zealand is fantastic! Such a cool place, I've always wanted to visit it. I'm not a kiwi though, I'm just a brit.
same with all the traumatised British moving to NZ I was beginning to worry that we were exempt from monsters, but am glad to know that the monsters care about our existence more than your traditional American map :D
same lmao its really funny
This podcast just keeps getting better.
I love how the static increased when Jon used his powers
I hear the words 'regarding an unusual pig' and I'm cracking up
This dude is going on about pigs and oh dear god this is too hilarious
Omg the intro rhymed! :D
I got kinda sad when the pig got buried in concrete. It was a friend. :(
It was a supernatural entity I'm sure it was fine.
I wasn't fully paying attention and then the Clown started eating himself I was so caught off guard it actually gave me chills
All horror involving pigs is especially disturbing if you live where I do. My mom personally knew one of the women who was murdered by Pickton and fed to pigs, she has to skip all pig related episodes in crime shows
Going to New Zealand not an effective solution for supernatural experiences, apparently!
stop wait this is my favorite episode its like jaws but no water just . big monster pig
Jaws if people kept swimming to it like lemmings
Pig: *devours everything in his path*
Also Pig: “You’re my friend now, we’re having soft tacos later”
Not a creepy chant *at all*.
I wonder if the pig is there to introduce Gertrude to Duncan as a place to leave her papers and such. Is Gertrude being played by a power other than the Eye? Was she claimed before joining the Archive, making her less thralled?
John is leaning into his powers, apparently, hoping, I guess that he can use them to extricate himself. A very dangerous gambit.
The whole pig story was funny I think because of the tone of the farmer. I mean also incredibly disturbing but funny.
I love that the statement is about pigs and that leads to "what's your darkest secret?"
"those pigs didn't deserve what happened to them" these are the livestock farmers i respect, the ones who treat their animals with care before they die and dont see them just as food.
this episode reminds me a lot of hannibal "this is long pig" lecter and i love it, tbh
Oh ho ho... i do love this sneaky usage of his powers.
JONNNNNN I love how he's starting to use his powers purposefully!! Also kinda hilarious
My theory is everyone else tried to kill the pig so when he went in there to lay down he was like oh shoot you’re my friend! Okay I won’t eat you. Lol
8:43
-one fish two fish red fish blue fish-
Apparently according to my greatgrandfather who was a farmer, back in the days they would hang babies on nails so that the pigs wouldnt get to them.