I remember feeling jealous when i watch cartoons and shows where the kids would just walk to the mall. I would think "wow, i wish i could just walk somewhere and not ask my mom to go there with a car"
Teen here. Still feel that. Public transport is next to nonexistent in my country, and if I want to go anywhere to take a break from my family, that would only be school. A little frustrating at times, though as soon as I can get my license it'll get better.
I’m also european but I have experienced this. I think any country can experience this if you live a place/town/village designed for cars and not walkers. It’s getting worse everywhere due to centralization. People would rather go to the mall than walk in streets with spread out stores = less stores, less local stores and everything out of reach unless you have a car. I miss living in my hometown where I could walk to the grocery store. Like yeah it was 20 minutes and I complained the whole time, but I could get some fresh air.
I love to dance and I feel idiotic because I wish I could just dance at a park, like bring a speaker out and dance and a bunch of other people who like to dance would just spawn, but here that’s not really common, people aren’t just dancing in streets or public places, and people would mostly look at you weird. I am grateful though because I’d say my third place is my dance class however I wish we could just break into dance outdoors in public places and people would join. Sort of like how you wish it was normalized to simply walk to the mall with friends. I wish my life was like the movie sandlot lol
My third place saved my life in middle school. I was severely bullied in school and after school, I would go to the library for 3 hours to wait for my parents to get out of work. There I made amazing friends my age, I was cool and accepted. Whenever I had a bad day in school, I knew I had friends waiting for me at the library who loved and wanted to spend time with me. It was completely essential for me and I will always remember how it saved me.
Same Idk how old you are but I’m 18 (05) so my preteen/early teen years virtual third spaces saved me. I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and was in and out of summer school, tutoring and everything else along the lines from 4th-9th grade. I was mildly bullied (nothing too serious but I definitely wasn’t the most popular kid) and I didn’t have a whole lot of friends. My mom did not believe in mental illness despite being bipolar. As for my teachers because I was awfully quiet and introverted I was the favorite a FEW time but overall I was not payed much attention to as a kid . Places like Amino, Early Roblox , Animal jam, Imvu and movie star planet were safe havens for me. I think I enjoyed these more than I would have physical spaces because I got to pose as whatever I wanted in a time where I wanted to be anything but myself
For me, third places are inherently noncommercial: a place where a person could, in theory, spend time without spending money. I know the official definition does include places like bars or coffee shops, but to me, third places mostly include e.g. libraries, parks and study spaces at a university, like (in my very personal experience) a student organization’s break room.
Yes it really helps if they're free or extremely cheap. My favourite third spaces were two beautiful community gardens run by a charity. They were free to attend as a volunteer, very sociable, we learnt new skills and came home with a bag of organic vegetables each week. They've now both been shut down by the charity boss due to funding, if has been devastating losing them.
I definitely don't think they NEED to be free. I used to play a a trading card game a lot growing up and so my 3rd place was my local game store. Every time I went there I would buy a drink for a dollar, a snack, or something and maybe pay to play in a tournament but I could still choose to not spend anything but be there and hang out with my friends. There was no obligation to spend money but I always did since it elevated the experience / joy of spending time there. Same applies to coffee shops, bars, etc. you can go there and just talk to people / friends, play a game with friends, or work on things. It's a place where you can either enjoy a personal hobby, interest, or pleasure alone or with others and their company outside of work/school or home. I personally don't think it has to have any implications on spending money.
@@autofigure00 Many people on low incomes can't afford that. The whole point of a third space is a place where people can go and be around others without needing to spend money. The issue is that almost everywhere has become profit making. This increases isolation and loneliness. And I've never been into a cafe where people could sit down and chat without buying anything.
drewlehman - What’s changed regstds to access in America is security, crime and public safety. Having free spaces where “anybody” can come visit and stay is now considered a public safety issue and a problem. Charging money changes that.and the more and more charged drives the caliber of those accessing the space.
As said in the video, and which is so important is, the space was to come together to advance as a community, not to be mindless consumers. It was the community store/market, to buy and sell food , to pick up feed for the livestock, hardware supplies to build. It wasn’t meaningless consumption but purposeful in the necessities of life , Then, the community gathered together in church which was the primary family third space where the greater community was the focus. The space represented community rather than individualism.
I think one of the arguments for 3rd spaces is that there should be more *free* 3rd spaces, like local libraries and such. I can always afford a coffee shop, but I do still want a public place like this to relax, connect with friends, etc. that being said, I do miss places like Borders cause you could literally just explore the books and I didn’t feel a need to buy anything. I wasn’t a mall person, but it was a place you could do the same thing, hang out with friends and not have to actually buy anything; and our parents would drop us off and let us wander for a few hours
I used to looooovvvveeee Borders book store!!! We used to go there almost every night!!! Also the library. My daughter is an only child and, so we had to take her to meet other kids she can play with. Also McDonald's play place and mall play center. Now a days your third place is expected to be in the form of a screen. Tv, phone, vr, etc. Im trying to quit the addiction but it is hard. I'll do well for a week or 2, then something draws me back!!😢
I remember Borders having seating areas scattered throughout the store. Barnes & Noble nowadays has nowhere to sit outside of the coffee shop (if they even have a coffee shop), they just want you standing and walking to buy your books and get out.
Growing up in a very “the mall is your third place” capitalist culture made me hate the idea of third places that you have to pay for. It felt like you have to purchase friends. I was raised poor, but all around me socializing could only be bought with money. Shopping, the movies, restaurants, cafes or bars. If you didn’t have extra cash, you couldn’t come, and if you stopped coming, after a while you lost all your friends. Hanging out at each others homes would have helped, but somehow that was never okay. You couldn’t because their families were there. Later, cause their roommates were there. Even later, because their significant other is there. Basically everyone lived with someone because nobody could afford to live alone. And because they were always around whomever they lived with, they always want to go “out” and get a break. And that included you. So finally as an adult in Los Angeles I took control of my own narrative and established a routine of outdoor third places. Both by myself and whenever I hung out with friends. Hiking in the park or walking/ swimming/ biking along the beach. Sometimes food might be included but it didn’t have to be. It was a chance to talk, get fresh air, be outside, be friendly to strangers, and even exercise. After a few years everyone thought of hiking when they thought of me and I couldn’t have been happier about that. Now, no matter what city I’m living in, I establish similar routines right away. It might not work for everyone or every season depending but I like it.
Yeah, but I totally get it because there’s been many times where people are like they don’t wanna go out because to go anywhere you have to spend money. my ex would act like I was weird for why just take a walk rather than stay inside. He could understand going outside unless you’re going to spend money. So the only time we went out were on dates. I think it’s kind of sad, because despite being an introvert, I’m not a homebody.
Yeah, I'm a nerd. I'm not interested in that stuff. I like video games, comic books, Tycoon, and anime. The one anime club my region has blocked for a misunderstanding. I just want to meet other nerdy people.
@@s-wo8781 I totally get that. Everyone likes different things. But I think the point of the third places is having a place to spend time with your friends, not necessarily a place to MEET / MAKE friends (although extra points if you can do both). But obviously hanging out outside isn’t convenient if you want to play video games or watch TV shows together. Hopefully, in this kind of group, at least one person can host (if not more) since those are indoor activities. Or sometimes libraries have free private study rooms with Tv monitors. That could be a space to get together and watch stuff together, especially for young kids still living with parents. (And my library has a large comic section/ manga so that’s fun too). 🤷♀️👍😊
Research shows that third places are linked to preventing children from ending up with substance abuse issues or in trouble with the law, in prison etc. if a child / teen has somewhere to go where they feel accepted, safe and welcome, they don't seek that validation from some punks in the streets or online trolls. This is so important to have these places.
I'm the opposite btw ! An extrovert homebody. Which is why I'm extremely happy in my current situation which blends 1st and 3rd place: a shared house with international housemates. We cook for each other during the weekend, share drinks and food and stories. I get to create a lot of connections and memories without needing to use the little physical stamina I have in going out all the time, and I'm able to fully relax on weekday evenings.
Commenting to say that if you have a local library in your town/city, check out what kind of programs and events they offer! Librarians typically work really hard to try to provide engaging and enjoyable resources, events, and clubs to the community and they’ll welcome you with open arms. I’m a library worker and I wish more people knew just how much libraries have to offer. AND ITS FREE!!!
Exactly! I am a regular at my library and love the resources and small knit community! I’ve even went bird watching because of the resources provided there
I'm just now looking into this and it doesn't seem very promising. Most events seem to be either for kids or essentially seniors and there's not much point of going to the library if there's not an event going on. I'm following the schedules of 3 different libraries within different cities and at most I can find a decent event once 2 weeks
For me, I still find a lot of enjoyment out of going even if there isn’t an event, but that’s totally fair if you only want to go when events are going on. I’m sorry to hear the libraries around you don’t have much to offer; every library is different, and many very sadly don’t have the funding to offer much. What kinds of events interest you? It’s pretty common for libraries to be used mostly by kids and seniors and it’d be great to hear what’s more interesting to someone outside of those groups if you’re willing to share!
@@clairecastle6674 Personally I'm mostly looking for some kind of way to meet and talk to people my age (early 20s). After that it's either videogames, anime or maybe practicing another language, like an event that'll be happening next week
or maybe our 3rd place is now social media, i don't think we work more than other generation, I think we don't make the time anymore to go to a 3rd place, we scroll social media for hours instead
@@mahjuliette This. I know my grandpas worked way more than us (like, illegal levels of hours nowadays) and they still had time for the bar/coffee shop. Maybe the problem is we are less wealthy (or stuff is more expensive, same problem in the end), as most people I know who don't go to those places is due to economical reasons.
@juliette9841, you said it perfectly. People still work as much as we do before and even less. The real reason why we dont really go out anymore is because well, SOCIAL MEDIA. Dont get me wrong, social media is great in moderation, but too much of it results in this
@@mahjuliette we don't have time to go to our 3rd places in person anymore because we have to work more for the things people from past generations had. if you think we don't work more than any other generation ur just being incredibly naïve... my grandpa bought a house in his early 20s while attending school and raising kids working for a low wage factory job. now for me to do the same thing i would have to work multiple jobs and do nothing else but work, and even then i'd still be in horrible debt and probably living in a shady apartment. low-middle class people are starving themselves to afford basic housing and necessities when in previous generations it was not required you could work a basic minimum wage job and be able to support yourself. things are worse for us, it always get worse for the younger generations because of their elders general refusal to allow anything to change and give up on hoarding wealth and resources for themselves
Walkable streets covered in trees and large awnings, heated bus stops, skyways, underground subways, vintage gas lamps, large malls, libraries, parks, coffee shops, ymca gyms, community gardens, vintage night time diners, places open 24/7......this is what makes places like NYC, philly and chicago and other bigger cities so amazing and appealing to suburbanites.....
What's hard for me is that so many "third places" require you to buy something. I have such a small income so I often pass on going somewhere else, though I want to. I know I'm also more likely to cave and buy something it's around me. It's actually a miracle libraries don't sell anything, not even tea, and I'm so grateful for that. But I find I don't go there a lot as a third place.
I know exactly what you mean. Coffee in a local cafe now costs £3.60 which is a lot for me especially if I want to go weekly. My local library has a little drinks table where you can make yourself a tea or coffee for free. They also run small groups. I've not been to any yet but I appreciate that they're there, they're popular with the elderly and people with toddlers. My favourite third place was a community garden but it shut down so I'm looking for new ones. They're so important for mental health.
Whenever I move to a new city, I've got a plan: 1) When unpacking my things, don't set up my PC immediately to force myself to go outside for entertainment 2) Introduce myself to whoever lives around me 3) Find a coffee shop and/or convenient store to go to and go there regularly 4) Find the closest library, get a library card, and pick a day to spend a few hours there after work.
I feel like one of the reasons why the transition from college to working life is hard is because you go from being in a “3-in-1” environment with friends always in close vicinity to going back and forth between your first and second place. Or simply just being stuck in your first place due to the pandemic.
I've been reminiscing on how i was thriving as a social butterfly. I miss the comrodaree. I miss the people. I've been out of University for many years now and it's tough to keep the social side sparking these days.
sadly a lot of places don't allow them to be used as "third places." the only chairs at our library are in a cafe and there's signs on the table saying the tables are for paying cafe patrons only. i bought a tea one time to sit and wait for my mom and it cost me $4 and some change. a lot of coffee shops don't allow you to sit for long periods of time anymore either. i remember in high school we had a small bible study group of girls meet at a local coffee shop every wednesday night. we'd all buy coffee and go sit and talk for maybe an hour at the most. there were five of us tops and we wouldn't take up much room but were told we couldn't "loiter" anymore.
I very much appreciate this video, but I'm incredibly disappointed that it was never once mentioned WHY there are no more third places. It's not an accident or a coincidence that they've all disappeared. That article showing Mayor Eric Adams shutting down libraries in NYC at the beginning of the video is just the latest instance of a trend that goes back to the Reagan administration. Third places were super important to the spread of the civil rights movement as well as the anti-war/anti-capitalist counterculture. Our government has been very intentionally defunding and systematically destroying third places for decades. It's the same reason why loitering is considered a crime, the very act of existing without spending money can land you in jail. Corporations don't want you hanging out anywhere they can't make a profit off you, and the government doesn't want you spending time anywhere you could potentially be organizing for more civil rights. If we want more third places we need to fight back against the powers that are working to get rid of them.
Very true but I would shy away from understimating the power of the people over the government, some mayors knows how to provide for their cities, and people usually find solutions when they really need something (I'm not saying it's easy, nothing worthwhile is easy these days)
realizing now how i never really had a genuine third space as a kid, my mom or my grandparents took me everywhere and i wasn’t ever able to leave their sight for a moment. my grandma has the tendency to watch a lot of crime shows which gave her and my mom the idea that it’s not safe for me to be on my own (we live in one of the most safe and well off areas in our state by the way so that’s just bullshit lmaoo). now at college, i’m slowly gaining autonomy and realizing it’s ok to go to the library or sit in the park and nothing is going to happen to me. my dad always lamented about how he and the other neighborhood kids would just roam the streets all day and it always sounded unreal to me, id only ever seen that kind of thing in cartoons before.
Same for longest time my grandma didn’t allow me to go out and bond with friends. And my boredom got so bad I developed PTSD and a bit of claustrophobia when it comes to cramp spaces that reminded me of my house I didn’t have the space to Roam about.
I'm in my mid-thirties, and my mom has suddenly decided the mall we used to go to all the time is unsafe. Like "we'll get shot" unsafe. STG social media is the new "crime shows."
@@affsteak3530social media for the older generation is total brainrot. Most of them get hyper-right wing fear mongering pumped into their feeds and fall for it hook-line-and-sinker; the worst part is they don’t even realize they’re being influenced and then turn around and call other people not falling for conspiracies “sheep.” A couple years back, they were convinced Seattle was a war zone that had burned down 💀
Third places are so necessary, as someone who has only lived in rural/semi-rural areas, there's not much I can really do here. No places I can walk to and no sidewalk to even walk on lol (barely any proper public transportation either). I'm planning on moving to the city/a busier town so I can have more third places to go to. :))
wow this makes me extremely blessed to have a side walk where I can see the sea but they started fencing that to keep making more and more coffee shops or keep the place very dark in that area so you'd find it actually quite dangerous to be there, it's fucked up yet for you , not having a place to walk is actually very bad to ur health I wish you find somewhere more peaceful
I grew up in a rural area, and as a teen I hated it, but looking back we had *so many* third places. There was an abandoned cabin in the woods we’d hang out in, specific spots on the shore of a lake, a park that was by a river. I was really lucky.
@@CTHD13most of the time in rural areas, those places are private property and you wind up trespassing without realizing it 😬. Not a great situation and can wind up being dangerous.
Same here. Grew up in a rural area and had approximately 0 third places (unless I drove for 45 minutes to go to the nearest town). But now I'm going to university and we have all sorts of third places here and I finally feel like I belong to a community ❤ I'll always love living in the rural middle of nowhere, but I have to admit, living in a city can be SO much better for the soul
At least in the US (depending the state) people seem to have a lot of options. They have a "hobby culture" that's so developed. In my country there's barely any libraries, only bookstores. And the libraries that are are very small, remote or lonely.
I'd call myself an ambivert. I have moments when I'm not that social, but I have moments when I like chatting with people. I'm definitely not a homebody either. I;ve been finding that I get restless in my home and wanted to find something to do.
“It feels like a waste to go to Starbucks when you could be supporting a small business” 📢📢📢 “I am an introvert but I am not a homebody” oh you’re preaching in this one Your friends writers group sounds kinda like the meetup group I started hosting. Each month we meet somewhere different but the group has regulars and some new faces each time. It’s refreshing.
I never had third places as a kid and going out to chill on my own or overall wasn't really a thing for me. It's always been home to school back to home and occasionally, church. Now I'm 21, lying in my room all day, every day.
I relate a lot to that. Spending time by yourself can be nice sometimes! But humans are generally social creatures, and being deprived of that/too locked into routine can be painful. Sometimes I just sit at a library or a park for a bit when I feel myself getting distant/in my own head, or reach out to a friend to chat or hang out! Lately I've been feeling less inclined to be around people, so I've been making gifts to eventually give to others and writing letters. It's hard, but I think it's worth it :-) Wishing you luck with reclaiming your time and trying new things!
I really recommend volunteering if you can. I've had some of my best life experiences volunteering, met good people and its given my life structure and routine plus new skills. My old volunteer group closed down so I'm about to start a new one as I've felt lost without it. It's a good way of being social without spending money.
100% the same, we moved so often i never even had time to get to know the city, all my socialising was through school, but that was usually miserable then an hour-long bus ride back to very stressful home situation. Everything is far away to drive so u only go on playdates. And when i finally graduated high school covid hit so i never made a transition, i never built up the skills of making friends outside of school/uni, and even there I haven’t made friends in years even though i love my studies. I was never taught how to make friends anywhere but from class, idk how im supposed to magically learn this when im moving countries every 4 years and every city is different and third spaces usually very hard to find nowadays
i started going to the climbing gym and it helps a little bit with my sad feelings. the community is really great. having a place like this is so important!
.....Until they turn on you, and push you aside and then your minimized There are many many individuals whom put many hours and years at jobs and " Third spaces" alas get sick or disappear, or have the wrong personalities or the good ones leave. you'll be lucky if one even bothers to check up on you with a text. I hear it all the time after 20+ yrs in practice Authenticity is one of the rarest and most pure things- Individuals react to kindness and love. That should be the place you should be coming from. To quote River Phoenix "run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow"
As a climbing gym employee, I love the social aspect of climbing, but I hate how expensive climbing gyms are getting. I get that it’s expensive to run a climbing gym, especially if you have to compete with big chains like movement. But the gyms are starting to feel less like community driven spaces and more like exclusive clubs
A third place that doesn’t require a membership…. Nowhere to be found Edit: a good 3rd place is finding a volunteering group that relates to ur interests! It’s usually free and there’s something for everyone. If you are more introverted you can just do your tasks alongside everyone else, if you are extroverted you can chat up w everyone there ❤
Growing up, the skatepark was our third place, a sketchy one but it kept me out of the most prevalent third place for boys: gaming. Now I’m in my mid twennies it’s working the community garden, pull-up bars and basketball courts. All are free and encourage chat and interaction which is crucial here in London where people tend to be closed off by default.
Not being a homebody while being introverted really resonated with me, I’ve always felt like I should be a homebody but I get wildly stir crazy. And all I need is a walk to the library, thankfully now I’ve found an apartment, and can drain my social battery just by being present and near others. Wonderfully affirming, thank you, I think I’ll take a walk looking for a third place now, great video!
This is so relatable! I’m not fully an introvert but I enjoy my alone time. However, I love being out and about. I don’t think about money unless I really have to.
yes! there are differences between being an introvert, homebody, shyness, anxiety, antisocial, and asocial but people keep grouping them together. like there are shy extroverts and outgoing introverts. the verts are about how often you engage or disengage to 'rest'
Love that more people are bringing awareness to this. I always wonder how many people who may suffer from loneliness/depression find comfort in learning that it might not be them but possibly a side effect of their built environment.
In lockdown, the local skatepark became my third place. I met so many likeminded creative cool people, from all ages. It was amazing because we genuinely felt like a little community of peers, even with the age gaps. Obviously everyone's gone back to work and school now, so things changed, but I'll never forget how nice it was to be around a new group of friends during the most isolated time in our recent history.
I'm a millennial, and this is what we did in the 90s. My friends and I would go around on our bikes to the backyard parks, to the local burger joint, to the arcades, hang out under the bridge, exchange pokemon cards, tamagotchis, visit each other's apartments etc... Parents didn't know where we were all day. I'd come hope at 9pm in the summer, to watch Buffy on Friday nights. Magical time.
I found out recently that this is what they're called now. We always called them "hangouts". I feel blessed to live in a tiny rural New Hampshire town where I hang out with friends every weekend. We do girls night out every weekend, except it's girls early evening out and people who see us might think we're a bunch of goofy hillbillies, but we're a bunch of HAPPY goofy hillbillies who have friendship and enjoy hanging out with each other. That's also why after graduating from Dartmouth I moved back home, I love my town and the fact we have community. My house sometimes is a "third place" when I invite people over for a dinner I cooked (family and friends) because I want to integrate both groups of very important to me people.
This video is blowing my mind. Truly. I never thought about this. Ever since college, having a third place (a regular go-to at least) slowly went away. I’m now reflecting, what would my third place be? I love coffee shops, especially at night. I’m in NYC now and there aren’t really any cozy coffee shops that stay open late. It’s sad!!
List of third places (please comment with more suggestions below!!): -dog park -library -book, knitting club -running groups -recreational sports league -trivia nights/groups -climbing gym or fitness classes -working a side job (I teach art classes, there's also babysitting, or working somewhere with fun interactions) -civic centers/rec department events
My 3rd places in childhood: the beach, Church, and local library and parks My 3rd place in adulthood: my partner's and his family's homes, church ( virtually, of course), restaurants, and local parks. We do need a 3rd place, the moments where I was low mood wise, my 3rd space was unavailable to me for quite some time
I'm trying to make a third place by hosting a jam session in my home town. Jam sessions and drum circles are so fun! Folk music is a beautiful tradition and it's often free to attend.
my town has this cute little building they split in two, one side is a tea lounge & the other is a crystal shoppe. before that, all we had were cramped coffeehouses where you couldn't necessarily let your hair down
My local coffee shop is a 3rd place cottage core dream! Fairy lights, velvet sofas, boardgames, and monthly trivia nights. I'm a regular and have conversations with the baristas! I adore them! And the coffee always hits!
I'm very much an introvert and have never had a "third place" of my own. I tend to not stay living in a place for very long so becoming a "regular" isn't easy for me. I'm usually broke so I can't afford to go out to any places that aren't free. I don't have any friends and don't know how to make any. I feel extremely uncomfortable going to these kinds of places alone. I hate it when random people I don't know talk to me and I can't make/allow myself to initiate conversations with strangers. I absolutely despise alcohol (so bars and clubs are out) and I'm not a big fan of coffee (so no coffee shops). I also don't like reading books so I'm not interested in libraries and bookstores. Also, some places are just too loud to be able to socialize well (such as bars and clubs) or most of the people there aren't interested in socializing (libraries and bookstores). So, what am I left with? Nothing that I can think of! Which sucks because I do get lonely sometimes.
I go to the library not my local one because few people go there but the biggest and closest one near me. Just putting that there if anyone wants ideas
Glad I ran into your video! Felt like I was missing something since stopping to go to regular salsa class, and I now realize it was going to a 3rd place with people I appreciated. Kudos for raising awareness about it!
I feel loneliest at night, on weekends when I have no plans. Sometimes I just want to be around other people, but I don't want to go to a restaurant or a pub. It'd be nice to have more third spaces during the evening.
I barely even have a 2nd place. I recently lost my job, and I don’t have my license so I constantly have to ask my mother to take me anywhere, on top of that I could walk (I love walking) but we live many km away from anything even remotely resembling a 2nd/3rd place. When I did have a job and I was able to go out more, my 3rd place often looked like the park beside the library, or the waterfall 20min drive away. I can relate to you how you grew up with next to zero freedom. Unfortunately I got so comfortable in that sense of security that I got stuck there. I’m currently digging myself out to freedom.
Yeah I’m in a similar situation. I started studying from home and I don’t have a job or a license. I have lost all sense of time 😂. After my health improves, hopefully I can dig myself out too. You got this man ❤️
It’s almost the same for me, I lost my job too, and even though I can get to anywhere, most places requires money. I want to pick up painting again for example, but every art community has a joining fee, even if it only means that you can sit there and paint with your own stuff..
I can go anywhere I want in my car at basically all times, yet I don't because none of these places encourage what the usual third place would encourage, everyone is closed off, all you're left with is the people you go to the place with and the general "vibe" of the place and whatever product they sell, it just ruins the mood because all you get from your commute of 40 minutes is a purely materialistic place with no care for anything else, and because I got tired of going out with family since we're always arguing, and none of my "friends" reach out like ever, it demoralized the idea of going out or doing anything really, all that I'm left with is my studies that I have to do on relatively low motivation and I even started using my studies as an excuse to do nothing else and stay home, makes me wish we had a third place, where communication is encouraged, where I can meet new people, make new connections, but it's hard to find and usually a long drive away if I actually find one.
This is why Britain and Ireland have pubs. It devastates a small village to lose its pub because it means everyone in the whole village has lost their third place.
@@Suwako__Moriya yeah back when I was a kid there were things like youth clubs and teenagers could get maintenance allowance to stay in school which gave poor kids the chance to travel further from home to do things but that's all been slashed out of existence.
Some of the worst years of my life were when my day consisted of being bullied at school and going home to my mother at a time when anything would set her off. My third place was the walk between the two and it was never long enough
Taken both a bachelor's and master's degree in Library and Information Science, heard TONS about third places during both degrees, still haven't really got myself one. Thank you for this video! ❤️
I feel like one of the reasons I'm such a homebody as an adult is because I wasn't really allowed to have a third place growing up. Most of my life was school and home. I would very rarely hang out with friends outside of those two places. I actually would get reprimanded if I tried to! It was like "oh, I asked to hang out with so-and-so last week, so I can't ask to hang out with friends this week." Which looking back was so strange! So my third place for freedom, like so many others in my generation, was the internet. MMO games, social media, online forums, etc! But since the internet world has also evolved as I grew up, my third places on the internet became less and less. I definitely feel the desire for more connectivity in my adulthood. Especially since my work life is not all that social. I also grew up with the idea of "we have that at home," "we can do that at home," "going out is a waste of money." So even as I was watching this video that idea came to mind. Like it would be such a waste of money to spend $6-$10 on a cup of coffee or tea on the daily at a coffee shop. So I thought of maybe going to a local park as a third place. But even then I'm sure I would hardly interact with anyone else at the park. I feel like I struggle a lot to interact with new people or with strangers without being connected to something...
I’m honestly hard-pressed to find opinions, thoughts and perspectives that I haven’t considered at some point in my life in today’s world. This video was a breath of fresh air.
A good third place doesn't cost anything (or much) to hang out in and doesn't have a timer for how long you're welcome there. Most suggested third places either have a requirement to purchase one of their costly products or would have me kick out for loitering if i stayed too long.
i am an introvert and unfortunately quite the homebody. i was always sort of like this, but the pandemic exponentially amplified the "homebody" part. and now, four years after i began my descent into homebody olympics, i'm finding it really difficult to even leave my house enough to develop third spaces and integrate into my local communities. it sort of helps to think of myself as a zoo animal who requires deliberate enrichment - that at least makes me take the scenic route home and wander into new places a bit more. i take dirty dishes out of my room bc i think about how sims have their day ruined by a single dirty cup nearby. but i can't seem to find the right way to frame it to get me more invested in seeking out community. it may sound silly to some, but i really benefit from that sort of perspective. i need a way to think of Community and Leaving My Home as fundamental human needs, which i must prioritize over spending another few hours watching youtube videos in the comfort of my own bed. so, genuinely asking, does anyone here have advice for that?
Thanks for talking about this! It’s such an important topic. Especially your commentary on the bland commercialized coffee shops 😭 Some other aspects of Oldenburg’s definition of a third places that I think are important to highlight (I know you briefly mentioned being a regular at a place later in the video but not in the initial def) are no/low barrier of cost (cheap or free), a neutral ground to meet where status is not important, and place to run into ‘familiar strangers.’ Yes, third places are a place to hang out and exchange ideas, it’s also somewhere you run into the same people but have not actually met or talked to- similar to your comment for being an introvert but not a homebody!
I really needed this video, ive been isolating myself from third spaces lately out of feeling socially anxious but it's been taking a toll on me. think im going to start going to the library and a local open mic again! thank you for this!
@@kytesav thanks for asking :) I'm a senior in high school, and I really love stories, so that's why I go there often. Though when I try to promote it to my friends, I mention how libraries don't just have a lot of books, they also have recent movies (like movies that sometimes just came out of the theaters), align with some libraries, having laptops that can be borrowed and I believe taken home. Some libraries also have nice sights, like one that's near me, is a three story building, and on the top floor, you can see out of a large window a nice view of the suburban downtown. I would also like to believe that you can find a lot of kind people at libraries. I hope that helps 😁
@@penguinij2540 woahh i didnt kniw that! i forgot the last time i went to one, i dont think ive ever been to one ! i didnt know they had all that 😅 ty for responding:D
You could always try going to places during unpopular times lol. That's what I do. LIke I go to the movies on a random week day or on Sunday morning. So I'm out & there are people but not too many.
For me, growing up in the early 2000s, it was Borders Bookstore. They would host book releases and signings, college students would do homework and tutoring, and kids would be seated in and around the manga section. Sometimes hosting Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments. Parents would browse the DVD and CD sections or look at the latest books. They had big leather chairs and some wooden chairs and tables. It was like being in a cool relative's house instead of a bookstore. When they went bankrupt and shut down in 2011, it was replaced with a DSW, and my town hasn't really recovered; there is no real place to go hang out and read or do coursework, or do nerd stuff without being affiliated with a university and now that I'm in my late 20s I'm stuck with nothing really to do or nowhere to go. Incredibly lonely.
for me personally, my third place is being in a discord call and playing games with my online friends. when i'm in a call with them i dont feel lonely and it's fun and engaging
Third places have always been very rare occurrences in my life. I don’t necessarily want to be a home body, but have never found a consistent place that I can just go to.
13:23 yeah this is how two of my friends' house was from when I was probably 12-20. It was just the spot anyone could come through at basically any time and hang out because their parents were really chill and inviting people who were totally fine with having to spontaneously feed the half dozen teenagers who randomly showed up at their house. Their house was a bunch of kids' third space and they were basically everyone's second set of parents.
About Starbucks becoming less of a 3rd place - in NYC, no one wants you to spend time in a Starbucks. The bathrooms are locked, the tables heavily touched. You're better off at Jackson McNally anyway, even if there are fewer places to sit. Appreciate this video, as someone who grew up on the rural edge of encroaching suburbia whose third place was the woods until I was able to drive a car.
In my early 20s, I would hang out at an internet cafe & order delicious oversized coffee. I loved that neighborhood pocket so much, I ended up moving into a lil studio nearby. The area had so much personality & lots of art galleries opened up. I had an awesome time living there. Life happened & a family became very sick & I moved away. But i fondly remember having my 3rd place. And even 4th, since I ended up meeting a dear friend who had a large living & we would hang all the time. I wish everyone finds sweet 3rd places. 🦋🌿
Learned about this from Not Just Bikes, Realized anything around me I would have to drive too. So excited to be moving to an area with decent shoppes around it that are walking distance
"I am an introvert but I am not a homebody" honestly, same. Though lately I became a bit more of a homebody 😅😩🙈 Another problem (a very crucial one IMO) is when the amount of "free" third spaces (parks, library, etc.) diminishes and the amount of "paid" third spaces (cafés, bars, etc.) increases, and along with that increase the "fee" (the price of the drinks, etc.) to those "paid" third places _increases_ as well 😒🙄🤦🏾 SMH late stage capitalism 🤦🏾🙈💀
First time I'm hearing this concept but it makes a lot of sense. I realize now you lose the "free" third places that are handed to you when you are young. Things like school libraries, student lounges, cafeterias, seating areas, club rooms, a random hallway that you and your friends sit in a group at, etc. Once you get out of college/university, unless you get lucky and find a pretty relaxed job with a small tight-knit friendly team that spends time together outside of work, you really need to actively search for a third place. It sucks that in North America most places are very anti-social these days. Most fast-food restaurants I've gone to are now limiting your seating time to 30 minutes. You can't even hang around in many spots in public anymore because someone decided that loitering is bad and should be illegal by some absurd leaps in logic. Libraries are okay but you have to keep quiet, so not an ideal place to socialize. Most places that are conducive to a social environment also push you into spending a ton of money and are simply not that affordable to do on a regular basis for most people (think the cost of food, drinks, tickets, shopping, etc). That kind of sucks. Lots to think about. I just graduated from University where I would hang out in our CS student lounge pretty much all the time. Maybe I'll look for a hackerspace in my city or something to get those vibes back.
My childhood and current third place is the public library in my hometown. My town really values it, so there's always events, lots of clubs meet there, the top floor has a ton of games you can play, and its almost always open
Watching this really helped me realise how many third places ive actually had throughout my life, whether that be the local record store or comic book store, and now that ive moved to a new city for university, ive noticed that Ive found even more third places here, and I honestly spend more time in these places than in my room at this point
My third space is the nature park near my house, It helps me to remove all negativity in my mind, and has helped me a few times when I was going through some rough things in my life, I can always go there not feeling judged, and it just feels comfy to me knowing I can lay in a patch of grass and stare into the sky with a close friend, just talking about life and hanging out
This was gentle, informative and didn't feel like watching an extended tiktok video (which so many video essays now feel like, constantly 'needing' to keep me engaged). Plus it really made me think. Favourite bit of content I've viewed in a while.
This is so real and If we had more 3rd places, places like target and McDonald’s wouldn’t be so constantly packed where I’m from, people would be able to spread out and hang out in comfortable places and not just opt to go to big brand stores “for fun”.
I think that in order for a third space to occur the ideal environment would have not for profit spaces. I have a wine liquor store where i go to vibe. Even if i don't drink, i sometimes will go to read and talk to other regulars and the owner and workers there are all for it. Problem is the rent. Big cities have expensive real estate and i know those guys are barely making ends meet. Other places I've found a third space are illegal raves but u are still paying a fee to enter in that case. I feel like there needs ro be more libraries and parks that are open late or essentially some sort of club house, but donors to keep such a place open are thinning out in this day and age.
When I first moved to Toronto, there was this coffee shop around the corner from where I lived called Cannonball. I used to go there multiple times a week, ordering drip coffee and sitting for hours with my laptop and headphones. It was a classic third place... it belonged to the man who lived in the apartment upstairs, who frequently served the coffee and chatted with his regulars. The walls were decorated with old posters he'd collected throughout his life, and not one mug was the same. The wooden tables were old and rickety, and there was a small patio in the backyard. I hardly ever spoke to anyone when I was there, but I never felt alone. I was just starting to learn to produce my own music, and a lot of the time that's what I would do while I sat in the corner. Sadly, it went down during the pandemic, and I later learned that the man who owned it gave up his place. It still holds a special place in my heart.
Thanks so much for this. I've recently been feeling quite insecure about my social life or about going to my third/second place alone cause someone I know kept on asking me if I really had friends if I'm always going there alone. But I'm an outdoorsy introvert and I enjoy going out cause I know I'll meet people I know there and hang out or study (which makes it kind of a second place but I digress) and this really brings me comfort. I also didn't have that many friends growing up (albeit I was comfortable and content) and thanks for reminding me that there's nothing wrong with that. In short, Thanks for your content - it's really relatable + comforting :3
For any college students or soon to be college students, having a third space is so important! Aside from off campus spaces, this third place mostly comes in the form of clubs. I realized the importance of joining non-academic clubs a bit later than some people. I joined a crochet club at my university and have made so many more connections and felt tbh less lonely. I initially joined academic clubs but those can get a bit serious and esp in a stem environment, kind of competitive. Joining those non-academic clubs definitely helps with making friends plus learning new hobbies too.
The sad thing about third places is that it's really hard to find more than a couple third places that don't involve spending a lot of money. Gyms need memberships, lattes cost ALOT some places. Local coffee shops and stuff like that are few and far between. Also like, existing alone going to a third place is dangerous, and like you mentioned in the video, lack of agency/autonomy.
Before I moved, my friends and I had a supper club. There were 4 of us and we would take turns hosting dinner at each other's homes once a month. It was fun because we got to "go out to eat" once a month. Always looked forward to it, even when times were tough and dinner was utility spaghetti ($1 jar of sauce, $1 pound of noodles, buttered toast).
Here's where i stumble I can be at a 3rd space like central perk. But then not interact with anyone. I feel intrusive if i ask how someones day is. Or ask what book they are reading. Self doubt rushes in "why would anyone want to talk with me?". So i sit and read and leave not talking to anyone besides the barista. Yes i left my house but what good is it to change space for the same activity.
My third place was the public library, where I spent countless hours browsing books, playing Yu-gi-oh cards with friends, and doing my homework. Looking back, the public library saved my life because it introduced me to many books that liberated my consciousness and made me aware that there are so many books on shelves, but nobody reads them.
Love this and I've sent this to so many of my friends because everyone believes that we need to move out to Suburbia for a better life - everyone just ends up reliant on cars and it makes me sad for kids being hostages until they have licenses
I live in a dead space. The most accessible third spaces are the local church school’s cemetery or the completely vacant and decrepit parks for children. There are no indoor third spaces (aside from bars) within a 3 mile radius. Walking or biking here is a death wish, as we’re surrounded by roads that people usually drive 55 mph on. There is no public transportation. And the infrastructure is so horrible I’d rather stay home and be lonely than have to drive on the scariest roads to a third space. It’s like the government is really trying to induce loneliness…
I think now I realised why I´m so much happier since i moved out. it´s because in my hometown we lacked these kind of thrid places. my childhood was great but the end of teens were pretty much exhausting because i just went to school and than went home because i needed to study or spend time with my family. i lacked of time for hobbies outside my first and second place. m very glad it changed since i moved to berlin for university. i still need to study and so on but now i´ll actively take more time for third places, like going to a community center just to chat with some people, enjoy an evening in a local jazz bar or particepate in a free portrait course where we just meet up in a bar once a week and draw eachother one by one. i´m so much happier now because my life is filled with so much more connection than ever outside my home und workplace/university. it gives me inspiration, energy and i´ve grown so much more self confidence in the last half year. the best decicion i´ve ever made. i just love how my generation seeks fro more connection rather than just to straight up focus only on productivety and (profession conected) goals. i dont want to say these things aren´t important just that it should not be our only focus in life. a good life is lived when we actually live it and not just try to check every bow on our to do list. life is unpredictable which can be good and bad. my advice is do that thing you wanted to try out for so long! i know it can be scary as fuck but it´s better to fail than to not try at all.
When I was growing up, my 2 3rd spaces were the ballet studio and church, though to be honest I was at the ballet studio MUCH more than I ever was at church, lol, and I grew up in a high demand religion, so yes, I was kind of looked down upon by the church people. I stopped dancing at 18 because of an injury and I just never went back, and for a few years I don't think I really had a true 3rd place, I tried to find one, but I was bumping around too much to really fit in anywhere. In my late 20s and early 30s I found my 3rd space in university choirs and volunteering with the uni theatre department. I really really loved it, but it left little room for dating and having a relationship because work and my 3rd space activities took up ALL my time, but I would not have changed my decision. In my mid and late 30s I moved abroad for a job and all my social time was spent trying to make friends, lol, it was hard, I wanted local friends, but only expats were easy to make friends with, except expats are a bit flakey, I didn't like it so much, though joining a language exchange group led me to meet my now husband, and I don't regret that, lol. In my early 40s I moved to a new country again, this time a full on immigrant, to my husband's home country. We moved in the middle of 2020, and I don't count that first year because of the pandemic, but I haven't been able to recover and find my place here. We have good group of friends, but half of them have kids which takes up a lot of their time, all of us are spread out around the city in a really big city so we only really see each other in person at the most 8 times a year, that's not much, honestly. And for me there's a bit of a language barrier so I feel uncomfortable doing what I'd normally do to find a 3rd place, plus those things that I'd normally do take up a lot of evenings and I feel like I'd never see my husband, lol, and I like being around my husband, we're not best friends, but I like being around him, if I was going off to do all these activities and such I feel like we'd start feeling like roommates instead of partners/spouses. He found his niche though in a chess club, but they only meet at the most a couple weekends a month. I just haven't found anything yet, and I'm wondering if that's one thing that's affecting my mental health.
Oh certainly! Have you thought of volunteering? I can relate to travelling to a different country, not speaking the language or having close friends (I assume most of the friends you have are probably your husband's). If you like the gym, join the gym, local library or find a place to volunteer or have a pet (walking dogs opens you to a huge community). I pray it goes well with you.
This is insightful. The immense difference there is to even think about what can be my possible third places already puts me in a good mood. I never even had an idea of this third place concept and to explore and contemplate who to visit those third places is so exciting as well as relaxing. Thank you for explaining this to the finest detail and I appreciate you sharing your own story.
Thank you for this. Your closing remarks about attending writers groups and how even a friends house can be considered a third place really made me look up and realise how blessed I am in my own life as someone who (at least from what I've heard in this video) seems to have a very similar kind of situation to you. I'm gonna make an effort in the future to attend more "third place" type gatherings and to actively try to talk to new people. Thanks!
I definitely needed a third place for a long time, but i had no idea this was a thing. No idea. Things have closed more since covid. Worse than that neighbors just dont say hello anymore
My middle school had a free youth center next door that had a gym, an art room, a nap room, and a kitchen. There were always scheduled games, crafts, and activities going on, and someone was always baking something. It saved my life, and brought me so much joy. I was able to socialize, and felt cared for when I didn't feel that at home. I wish this was at every school, it would solve so many problems. (Also something like this for adults would be amazing!)
I was a teenager in 2020. my teenagehood has been spent working or isolated. I struggle to make conversation. I've forgotten how to make friends and I can't drive because nobody wants to teach me how plus cars give me anxiety attacks. I wish my life was different. I live in the desert so walking is exhausting
im a christian so many of my 3rd places are around the fact that i am, and honestly, is very cool to meet ppl w my same beliefs but also just hanging out (not only church, i also have friends who i volunteer with, etc) but also just knowing that there rlly is not a ‘purpose’ or a profit by meeting but just being w eachother! if any of u are christian or just curious i would recommend looking up if your college has a RUF club (there’s bible studies, movie and book clubs, and just having lunch together)
I remember feeling jealous when i watch cartoons and shows where the kids would just walk to the mall. I would think "wow, i wish i could just walk somewhere and not ask my mom to go there with a car"
That's normal in Europe. I'm German and I am able to walk everywhere
Teen here. Still feel that. Public transport is next to nonexistent in my country, and if I want to go anywhere to take a break from my family, that would only be school. A little frustrating at times, though as soon as I can get my license it'll get better.
I’m also european but I have experienced this. I think any country can experience this if you live a place/town/village designed for cars and not walkers. It’s getting worse everywhere due to centralization. People would rather go to the mall than walk in streets with spread out stores = less stores, less local stores and everything out of reach unless you have a car.
I miss living in my hometown where I could walk to the grocery store. Like yeah it was 20 minutes and I complained the whole time, but I could get some fresh air.
I love to dance and I feel idiotic because I wish I could just dance at a park, like bring a speaker out and dance and a bunch of other people who like to dance would just spawn, but here that’s not really common, people aren’t just dancing in streets or public places, and people would mostly look at you weird. I am grateful though because I’d say my third place is my dance class however I wish we could just break into dance outdoors in public places and people would join. Sort of like how you wish it was normalized to simply walk to the mall with friends. I wish my life was like the movie sandlot lol
REALLLL
My third place saved my life in middle school. I was severely bullied in school and after school, I would go to the library for 3 hours to wait for my parents to get out of work. There I made amazing friends my age, I was cool and accepted. Whenever I had a bad day in school, I knew I had friends waiting for me at the library who loved and wanted to spend time with me. It was completely essential for me and I will always remember how it saved me.
the library is such an underrated third place
By severely... do you mean... physically? Or constantly verbal abuse?
(Sorry if this is blunt) also sad to hear this
Same Idk how old you are but I’m 18 (05) so my preteen/early teen years virtual third spaces saved me. I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and was in and out of summer school, tutoring and everything else along the lines from 4th-9th grade. I was mildly bullied (nothing too serious but I definitely wasn’t the most popular kid) and I didn’t have a whole lot of friends. My mom did not believe in mental illness despite being bipolar. As for my teachers because I was awfully quiet and introverted I was the favorite a FEW time but overall I was not payed much attention to as a kid . Places like Amino, Early Roblox , Animal jam, Imvu and movie star planet were safe havens for me. I think I enjoyed these more than I would have physical spaces because I got to pose as whatever I wanted in a time where I wanted to be anything but myself
Isn’t that the plot of The Neverending Story 😭
aww I'm so happy for you this is fantastic 🥹
For me, third places are inherently noncommercial: a place where a person could, in theory, spend time without spending money. I know the official definition does include places like bars or coffee shops, but to me, third places mostly include e.g. libraries, parks and study spaces at a university, like (in my very personal experience) a student organization’s break room.
Yes it really helps if they're free or extremely cheap. My favourite third spaces were two beautiful community gardens run by a charity. They were free to attend as a volunteer, very sociable, we learnt new skills and came home with a bag of organic vegetables each week. They've now both been shut down by the charity boss due to funding, if has been devastating losing them.
I definitely don't think they NEED to be free. I used to play a a trading card game a lot growing up and so my 3rd place was my local game store. Every time I went there I would buy a drink for a dollar, a snack, or something and maybe pay to play in a tournament but I could still choose to not spend anything but be there and hang out with my friends. There was no obligation to spend money but I always did since it elevated the experience / joy of spending time there. Same applies to coffee shops, bars, etc. you can go there and just talk to people / friends, play a game with friends, or work on things. It's a place where you can either enjoy a personal hobby, interest, or pleasure alone or with others and their company outside of work/school or home. I personally don't think it has to have any implications on spending money.
@@autofigure00 Many people on low incomes can't afford that. The whole point of a third space is a place where people can go and be around others without needing to spend money. The issue is that almost everywhere has become profit making. This increases isolation and loneliness. And I've never been into a cafe where people could sit down and chat without buying anything.
drewlehman - What’s changed regstds to access in America is security, crime and public safety. Having free spaces where “anybody” can come visit and stay is now considered a public safety issue and a problem. Charging money changes that.and the more and more charged drives the caliber of those accessing the space.
As said in the video, and which is so important is, the space was to come together to advance as a community, not to be mindless consumers. It was the community store/market, to buy and sell food , to pick up feed for the livestock, hardware supplies to build. It wasn’t meaningless consumption but purposeful in the necessities of life , Then, the community gathered together in church which was the primary family third space where the greater community was the focus. The space represented community rather than individualism.
I think one of the arguments for 3rd spaces is that there should be more *free* 3rd spaces, like local libraries and such. I can always afford a coffee shop, but I do still want a public place like this to relax, connect with friends, etc. that being said, I do miss places like Borders cause you could literally just explore the books and I didn’t feel a need to buy anything. I wasn’t a mall person, but it was a place you could do the same thing, hang out with friends and not have to actually buy anything; and our parents would drop us off and let us wander for a few hours
I used to looooovvvveeee Borders book store!!! We used to go there almost every night!!! Also the library. My daughter is an only child and, so we had to take her to meet other kids she can play with. Also McDonald's play place and mall play center. Now a days your third place is expected to be in the form of a screen. Tv, phone, vr, etc. Im trying to quit the addiction but it is hard. I'll do well for a week or 2, then something draws me back!!😢
I remember Borders having seating areas scattered throughout the store. Barnes & Noble nowadays has nowhere to sit outside of the coffee shop (if they even have a coffee shop), they just want you standing and walking to buy your books and get out.
"There is no charm in my hometown" goes hard as a midwest emo lyric.
That’s just about the entire North America actually.
Cue rung out, reverby guitar strum in open D
Growing up in a very “the mall is your third place” capitalist culture made me hate the idea of third places that you have to pay for. It felt like you have to purchase friends.
I was raised poor, but all around me socializing could only be bought with money. Shopping, the movies, restaurants, cafes or bars. If you didn’t have extra cash, you couldn’t come, and if you stopped coming, after a while you lost all your friends.
Hanging out at each others homes would have helped, but somehow that was never okay. You couldn’t because their families were there. Later, cause their roommates were there. Even later, because their significant other is there. Basically everyone lived with someone because nobody could afford to live alone. And because they were always around whomever they lived with, they always want to go “out” and get a break. And that included you.
So finally as an adult in Los Angeles I took control of my own narrative and established a routine of outdoor third places. Both by myself and whenever I hung out with friends. Hiking in the park or walking/ swimming/ biking along the beach. Sometimes food might be included but it didn’t have to be. It was a chance to talk, get fresh air, be outside, be friendly to strangers, and even exercise. After a few years everyone thought of hiking when they thought of me and I couldn’t have been happier about that.
Now, no matter what city I’m living in, I establish similar routines right away. It might not work for everyone or every season depending but I like it.
I love this perspective!
Yeah, but I totally get it because there’s been many times where people are like they don’t wanna go out because to go anywhere you have to spend money. my ex would act like I was weird for why just take a walk rather than stay inside. He could understand going outside unless you’re going to spend money. So the only time we went out were on dates. I think it’s kind of sad, because despite being an introvert, I’m not a homebody.
that rocks!!
Yeah, I'm a nerd. I'm not interested in that stuff. I like video games, comic books, Tycoon, and anime. The one anime club my region has blocked for a misunderstanding. I just want to meet other nerdy people.
@@s-wo8781 I totally get that. Everyone likes different things. But I think the point of the third places is having a place to spend time with your friends, not necessarily a place to MEET / MAKE friends (although extra points if you can do both).
But obviously hanging out outside isn’t convenient if you want to play video games or watch TV shows together. Hopefully, in this kind of group, at least one person can host (if not more) since those are indoor activities.
Or sometimes libraries have free private study rooms with Tv monitors. That could be a space to get together and watch stuff together, especially for young kids still living with parents. (And my library has a large comic section/ manga so that’s fun too). 🤷♀️👍😊
Research shows that third places are linked to preventing children from ending up with substance abuse issues or in trouble with the law, in prison etc. if a child / teen has somewhere to go where they feel accepted, safe and welcome, they don't seek that validation from some punks in the streets or online trolls. This is so important to have these places.
100% ! In UK, youth centres are closing down and some are open but there is nothing to do. All the teens are on the streets bother me as a pass by.
"Introvert but not a homebody." I love this!!! I feel like you've put into words something I've been trying to pin down about myself for a long time.
📣📣
I'm the opposite btw ! An extrovert homebody. Which is why I'm extremely happy in my current situation which blends 1st and 3rd place: a shared house with international housemates. We cook for each other during the weekend, share drinks and food and stories. I get to create a lot of connections and memories without needing to use the little physical stamina I have in going out all the time, and I'm able to fully relax on weekday evenings.
@@louleloup2607 *"relaxing on weekday evenings"* PLEASE! Teach me how to do that 😅 I only feel alive on weekends when I'm alone.
Commenting to say that if you have a local library in your town/city, check out what kind of programs and events they offer! Librarians typically work really hard to try to provide engaging and enjoyable resources, events, and clubs to the community and they’ll welcome you with open arms. I’m a library worker and I wish more people knew just how much libraries have to offer. AND ITS FREE!!!
Exactly! I am a regular at my library and love the resources and small knit community! I’ve even went bird watching because of the resources provided there
Also, if you are able, donate to the library too!
I'm just now looking into this and it doesn't seem very promising. Most events seem to be either for kids or essentially seniors and there's not much point of going to the library if there's not an event going on. I'm following the schedules of 3 different libraries within different cities and at most I can find a decent event once 2 weeks
For me, I still find a lot of enjoyment out of going even if there isn’t an event, but that’s totally fair if you only want to go when events are going on. I’m sorry to hear the libraries around you don’t have much to offer; every library is different, and many very sadly don’t have the funding to offer much.
What kinds of events interest you? It’s pretty common for libraries to be used mostly by kids and seniors and it’d be great to hear what’s more interesting to someone outside of those groups if you’re willing to share!
@@clairecastle6674 Personally I'm mostly looking for some kind of way to meet and talk to people my age (early 20s). After that it's either videogames, anime or maybe practicing another language, like an event that'll be happening next week
Our generation definitely needs a 3rd place but we have to work so much 😩
or maybe our 3rd place is now social media, i don't think we work more than other generation, I think we don't make the time anymore to go to a 3rd place, we scroll social media for hours instead
@@mahjuliette This. I know my grandpas worked way more than us (like, illegal levels of hours nowadays) and they still had time for the bar/coffee shop. Maybe the problem is we are less wealthy (or stuff is more expensive, same problem in the end), as most people I know who don't go to those places is due to economical reasons.
@juliette9841, you said it perfectly. People still work as much as we do before and even less. The real reason why we dont really go out anymore is because well, SOCIAL MEDIA. Dont get me wrong, social media is great in moderation, but too much of it results in this
@@mahjuliette we don't have time to go to our 3rd places in person anymore because we have to work more for the things people from past generations had. if you think we don't work more than any other generation ur just being incredibly naïve... my grandpa bought a house in his early 20s while attending school and raising kids working for a low wage factory job. now for me to do the same thing i would have to work multiple jobs and do nothing else but work, and even then i'd still be in horrible debt and probably living in a shady apartment. low-middle class people are starving themselves to afford basic housing and necessities when in previous generations it was not required you could work a basic minimum wage job and be able to support yourself. things are worse for us, it always get worse for the younger generations because of their elders general refusal to allow anything to change and give up on hoarding wealth and resources for themselves
No we don’t lmao
Walkable streets covered in trees and large awnings, heated bus stops, skyways, underground subways, vintage gas lamps, large malls, libraries, parks, coffee shops, ymca gyms, community gardens, vintage night time diners, places open 24/7......this is what makes places like NYC, philly and chicago and other bigger cities so amazing and appealing to suburbanites.....
Exactly why as a Sunbelt native, these cities top my relocation list
Maybe showing up to city council meetings and addressing problems should be appealing for people here too.
What's hard for me is that so many "third places" require you to buy something. I have such a small income so I often pass on going somewhere else, though I want to. I know I'm also more likely to cave and buy something it's around me. It's actually a miracle libraries don't sell anything, not even tea, and I'm so grateful for that. But I find I don't go there a lot as a third place.
I know exactly what you mean. Coffee in a local cafe now costs £3.60 which is a lot for me especially if I want to go weekly. My local library has a little drinks table where you can make yourself a tea or coffee for free. They also run small groups. I've not been to any yet but I appreciate that they're there, they're popular with the elderly and people with toddlers. My favourite third place was a community garden but it shut down so I'm looking for new ones. They're so important for mental health.
fr. even if you’re just going to a coffee shop everyday, it adds up FAST if you have to buy a drink every time you go
Whenever I move to a new city, I've got a plan:
1) When unpacking my things, don't set up my PC immediately to force myself to go outside for entertainment
2) Introduce myself to whoever lives around me
3) Find a coffee shop and/or convenient store to go to and go there regularly
4) Find the closest library, get a library card, and pick a day to spend a few hours there after work.
Most coffee shops don’t actually require you to buy something. If you’re really anxious, ask for a water
@@katec9893 Wow, it's so sweet your library has a little drink station!
I feel like one of the reasons why the transition from college to working life is hard is because you go from being in a “3-in-1” environment with friends always in close vicinity to going back and forth between your first and second place. Or simply just being stuck in your first place due to the pandemic.
Can confirm and kinda want to you-know-what
I know things are hard and I'm only someone online, but please don't 😢@@Pos3id0n.
I've been reminiscing on how i was thriving as a social butterfly. I miss the comrodaree. I miss the people. I've been out of University for many years now and it's tough to keep the social side sparking these days.
Well said
It would help if everything wasn't so expensive even a coffee shop can cost someone $10. Plus things close so early
The library is the way to go then
The library is the way to go then
The library is the way to go then
The library is the way to go then
Ask for a water cup to be considered a customer. Its 50 cents.😅
sadly a lot of places don't allow them to be used as "third places." the only chairs at our library are in a cafe and there's signs on the table saying the tables are for paying cafe patrons only. i bought a tea one time to sit and wait for my mom and it cost me $4 and some change. a lot of coffee shops don't allow you to sit for long periods of time anymore either. i remember in high school we had a small bible study group of girls meet at a local coffee shop every wednesday night. we'd all buy coffee and go sit and talk for maybe an hour at the most. there were five of us tops and we wouldn't take up much room but were told we couldn't "loiter" anymore.
This is so sad
I very much appreciate this video, but I'm incredibly disappointed that it was never once mentioned WHY there are no more third places. It's not an accident or a coincidence that they've all disappeared. That article showing Mayor Eric Adams shutting down libraries in NYC at the beginning of the video is just the latest instance of a trend that goes back to the Reagan administration. Third places were super important to the spread of the civil rights movement as well as the anti-war/anti-capitalist counterculture.
Our government has been very intentionally defunding and systematically destroying third places for decades. It's the same reason why loitering is considered a crime, the very act of existing without spending money can land you in jail. Corporations don't want you hanging out anywhere they can't make a profit off you, and the government doesn't want you spending time anywhere you could potentially be organizing for more civil rights. If we want more third places we need to fight back against the powers that are working to get rid of them.
Thank you for mentioning this! I didn’t think about that!
Very true but I would shy away from understimating the power of the people over the government, some mayors knows how to provide for their cities, and people usually find solutions when they really need something (I'm not saying it's easy, nothing worthwhile is easy these days)
Wow this needs to be re posted 1000 times!
america sounds very sad damn
@@steeeaits dystopian (unless youre wealthy)
realizing now how i never really had a genuine third space as a kid, my mom or my grandparents took me everywhere and i wasn’t ever able to leave their sight for a moment. my grandma has the tendency to watch a lot of crime shows which gave her and my mom the idea that it’s not safe for me to be on my own (we live in one of the most safe and well off areas in our state by the way so that’s just bullshit lmaoo). now at college, i’m slowly gaining autonomy and realizing it’s ok to go to the library or sit in the park and nothing is going to happen to me. my dad always lamented about how he and the other neighborhood kids would just roam the streets all day and it always sounded unreal to me, id only ever seen that kind of thing in cartoons before.
Same with the parents watching crime shows and getting paranoid😭
I understand how you feel , I’m also in college and just realizing that it’s okay to exist in public and that nothing is gonna happen
Same for longest time my grandma didn’t allow me to go out and bond with friends. And my boredom got so bad I developed PTSD and a bit of claustrophobia when it comes to cramp spaces that reminded me of my house I didn’t have the space to Roam about.
I'm in my mid-thirties, and my mom has suddenly decided the mall we used to go to all the time is unsafe. Like "we'll get shot" unsafe.
STG social media is the new "crime shows."
@@affsteak3530social media for the older generation is total brainrot. Most of them get hyper-right wing fear mongering pumped into their feeds and fall for it hook-line-and-sinker; the worst part is they don’t even realize they’re being influenced and then turn around and call other people not falling for conspiracies “sheep.” A couple years back, they were convinced Seattle was a war zone that had burned down 💀
Third places are so necessary, as someone who has only lived in rural/semi-rural areas, there's not much I can really do here. No places I can walk to and no sidewalk to even walk on lol (barely any proper public transportation either). I'm planning on moving to the city/a busier town so I can have more third places to go to. :))
wow this makes me extremely blessed to have a side walk where I can see the sea but they started fencing that to keep making more and more coffee shops or keep the place very dark in that area so you'd find it actually quite dangerous to be there, it's fucked up yet for you , not having a place to walk is actually very bad to ur health I wish you find somewhere more peaceful
I grew up in a rural area, and as a teen I hated it, but looking back we had *so many* third places. There was an abandoned cabin in the woods we’d hang out in, specific spots on the shore of a lake, a park that was by a river. I was really lucky.
@@CTHD13most of the time in rural areas, those places are private property and you wind up trespassing without realizing it 😬. Not a great situation and can wind up being dangerous.
There’s so many third places in rural areas
Same here. Grew up in a rural area and had approximately 0 third places (unless I drove for 45 minutes to go to the nearest town).
But now I'm going to university and we have all sorts of third places here and I finally feel like I belong to a community ❤
I'll always love living in the rural middle of nowhere, but I have to admit, living in a city can be SO much better for the soul
My third place is the library, cafe, and bookstores. Usually I'm there with my sister and a book. I'm also an introvert but not a homebody.
At least in the US (depending the state) people seem to have a lot of options. They have a "hobby culture" that's so developed. In my country there's barely any libraries, only bookstores. And the libraries that are are very small, remote or lonely.
I'd call myself an ambivert. I have moments when I'm not that social, but I have moments when I like chatting with people. I'm definitely not a homebody either. I;ve been finding that I get restless in my home and wanted to find something to do.
“It feels like a waste to go to Starbucks when you could be supporting a small business” 📢📢📢
“I am an introvert but I am not a homebody” oh you’re preaching in this one
Your friends writers group sounds kinda like the meetup group I started hosting. Each month we meet somewhere different but the group has regulars and some new faces each time. It’s refreshing.
how do people find out about it?
@@ilovemusic255 They probably mean it is a Meetup group listed on the Meetup app
I never had third places as a kid and going out to chill on my own or overall wasn't really a thing for me. It's always been home to school back to home and occasionally, church. Now I'm 21, lying in my room all day, every day.
I relate a lot to that. Spending time by yourself can be nice sometimes! But humans are generally social creatures, and being deprived of that/too locked into routine can be painful. Sometimes I just sit at a library or a park for a bit when I feel myself getting distant/in my own head, or reach out to a friend to chat or hang out! Lately I've been feeling less inclined to be around people, so I've been making gifts to eventually give to others and writing letters. It's hard, but I think it's worth it :-) Wishing you luck with reclaiming your time and trying new things!
@@ernie39 Thank you so much. I really should try to get out of the house more, I know it's whats best for me
I really recommend volunteering if you can. I've had some of my best life experiences volunteering, met good people and its given my life structure and routine plus new skills. My old volunteer group closed down so I'm about to start a new one as I've felt lost without it. It's a good way of being social without spending money.
100% the same, we moved so often i never even had time to get to know the city, all my socialising was through school, but that was usually miserable then an hour-long bus ride back to very stressful home situation. Everything is far away to drive so u only go on playdates. And when i finally graduated high school covid hit so i never made a transition, i never built up the skills of making friends outside of school/uni, and even there I haven’t made friends in years even though i love my studies. I was never taught how to make friends anywhere but from class, idk how im supposed to magically learn this when im moving countries every 4 years and every city is different and third spaces usually very hard to find nowadays
i started going to the climbing gym and it helps a little bit with my sad feelings. the community is really great. having a place like this is so important!
.....Until they turn on you, and push you aside and then your minimized
There are many many individuals whom put many hours and years at jobs and " Third spaces" alas get sick or disappear, or have the wrong personalities or the good ones leave. you'll be lucky if one even bothers to check up on you with a text.
I hear it all the time after 20+ yrs in practice
Authenticity is one of the rarest and most pure things- Individuals react to kindness and love. That should be the place you should be coming from.
To quote River Phoenix "run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow"
Same for me! Climbing is very social
I love climbing! Super social and I feel like I get to exercise without hating it
As a climbing gym employee, I love the social aspect of climbing, but I hate how expensive climbing gyms are getting. I get that it’s expensive to run a climbing gym, especially if you have to compete with big chains like movement. But the gyms are starting to feel less like community driven spaces and more like exclusive clubs
Ayyeee another climber! Hell yeah climbing is fun AF and people are generally pretty open and cool 😎
A third place that doesn’t require a membership…. Nowhere to be found
Edit: a good 3rd place is finding a volunteering group that relates to ur interests! It’s usually free and there’s something for everyone. If you are more introverted you can just do your tasks alongside everyone else, if you are extroverted you can chat up w everyone there ❤
A place that's free of charge would be a library :)
A place of worship
You can actually go to a lot of places for free. Businessparks often have lavish outdoor areas with seating etc. just walk in
Growing up, the skatepark was our third place, a sketchy one but it kept me out of the most prevalent third place for boys: gaming.
Now I’m in my mid twennies it’s working the community garden, pull-up bars and basketball courts. All are free and encourage chat and interaction which is crucial here in London where people tend to be closed off by default.
What do you do in the winter / during rain? because I'm the same but struggle with winter...
Do you live near London fields/Hackney by any chance
Not being a homebody while being introverted really resonated with me, I’ve always felt like I should be a homebody but I get wildly stir crazy.
And all I need is a walk to the library, thankfully now I’ve found an apartment, and can drain my social battery just by being present and near others.
Wonderfully affirming, thank you, I think I’ll take a walk looking for a third place now, great video!
This is so relatable! I’m not fully an introvert but I enjoy my alone time. However, I love being out and about. I don’t think about money unless I really have to.
yes! there are differences between being an introvert, homebody, shyness, anxiety, antisocial, and asocial but people keep grouping them together. like there are shy extroverts and outgoing introverts. the verts are about how often you engage or disengage to 'rest'
Love that more people are bringing awareness to this. I always wonder how many people who may suffer from loneliness/depression find comfort in learning that it might not be them but possibly a side effect of their built environment.
In lockdown, the local skatepark became my third place. I met so many likeminded creative cool people, from all ages. It was amazing because we genuinely felt like a little community of peers, even with the age gaps. Obviously everyone's gone back to work and school now, so things changed, but I'll never forget how nice it was to be around a new group of friends during the most isolated time in our recent history.
This is what "kids on bikes" used to do in the eighties. You would go to the mall, the park, the forest, the beach, the arcade...
I'm a millennial, and this is what we did in the 90s. My friends and I would go around on our bikes to the backyard parks, to the local burger joint, to the arcades, hang out under the bridge, exchange pokemon cards, tamagotchis, visit each other's apartments etc... Parents didn't know where we were all day. I'd come hope at 9pm in the summer, to watch Buffy on Friday nights. Magical time.
I found out recently that this is what they're called now. We always called them "hangouts". I feel blessed to live in a tiny rural New Hampshire town where I hang out with friends every weekend. We do girls night out every weekend, except it's girls early evening out and people who see us might think we're a bunch of goofy hillbillies, but we're a bunch of HAPPY goofy hillbillies who have friendship and enjoy hanging out with each other. That's also why after graduating from Dartmouth I moved back home, I love my town and the fact we have community. My house sometimes is a "third place" when I invite people over for a dinner I cooked (family and friends) because I want to integrate both groups of very important to me people.
This video is blowing my mind. Truly. I never thought about this. Ever since college, having a third place (a regular go-to at least) slowly went away. I’m now reflecting, what would my third place be? I love coffee shops, especially at night. I’m in NYC now and there aren’t really any cozy coffee shops that stay open late. It’s sad!!
Really love the framing of a friend's place as a third place
List of third places (please comment with more suggestions below!!):
-dog park
-library
-book, knitting club
-running groups
-recreational sports league
-trivia nights/groups
-climbing gym or fitness classes
-working a side job (I teach art classes, there's also babysitting, or working somewhere with fun interactions)
-civic centers/rec department events
-Gun ranges
-Open mic nights
-public speaking meetings (toastmasters)
Ice skating rink
Local pubs
someone earlier said community gardens!
-community center
-downtown streets
-local grocery store
-the DMV
not this being delivered exactly when i needed it
My 3rd places in childhood: the beach, Church, and local library and parks
My 3rd place in adulthood: my partner's and his family's homes, church ( virtually, of course), restaurants, and local parks.
We do need a 3rd place, the moments where I was low mood wise, my 3rd space was unavailable to me for quite some time
I'm trying to make a third place by hosting a jam session in my home town. Jam sessions and drum circles are so fun! Folk music is a beautiful tradition and it's often free to attend.
my town has this cute little building they split in two, one side is a tea lounge & the other is a crystal shoppe.
before that, all we had were cramped coffeehouses where you couldn't necessarily let your hair down
My local coffee shop is a 3rd place cottage core dream! Fairy lights, velvet sofas, boardgames, and monthly trivia nights. I'm a regular and have conversations with the baristas! I adore them! And the coffee always hits!
omg where is this
Literally where? cause I'll move there now :')
San Antonio, Texas. Flower and Flour. ✨
i just wanna have a place i can go to that is not my family´s house or school 😭
i remember feeling like this when i was in school. you arent alone
Real and that I don’t have to pay for nun just chill and vibe
I feel this! Is doing an after school program or a club too pricey? Maybe you can make one with your friends where there are no fees?
I'm very much an introvert and have never had a "third place" of my own. I tend to not stay living in a place for very long so becoming a "regular" isn't easy for me. I'm usually broke so I can't afford to go out to any places that aren't free. I don't have any friends and don't know how to make any. I feel extremely uncomfortable going to these kinds of places alone. I hate it when random people I don't know talk to me and I can't make/allow myself to initiate conversations with strangers. I absolutely despise alcohol (so bars and clubs are out) and I'm not a big fan of coffee (so no coffee shops). I also don't like reading books so I'm not interested in libraries and bookstores. Also, some places are just too loud to be able to socialize well (such as bars and clubs) or most of the people there aren't interested in socializing (libraries and bookstores). So, what am I left with? Nothing that I can think of! Which sucks because I do get lonely sometimes.
I go to the library not my local one because few people go there but the biggest and closest one near me. Just putting that there if anyone wants ideas
Yes! Same, I go to numerous of the local libraries in the surrounding towns. I live in a small town whose library I typically avoid lol
But aren't not supposed to talk in a library? It feels very uninviting.
@@s-wo8781 it depends on the space. Some libraries have like a floor or an area where you could talk
This is pretty old fashioned now. Very few public libraries expect you to be quiet now (I visit a lot of libraries!)
@@s-wo8781
Next you’re gonna tell me I need “friends”
There’s 2 parks down the street from me - the daily walks & being able to talk with other locals makes me happy🥹
Third places? Under capitalism? Shouldn't you be grinding to make someone ELSE rich? /bitter sarcasm
Third spaces? Sounds like an UnTaPeD mArKeT to me!!
This.
If you have free time for joy you clearly aren't working hard enough and that (and your avocado toast) is why you're poor. 🫠
Well Starbucks market strategy was to be a "third place" coffee chain but they have been getting away from that in recent years.@@RT710.
This comment.
Jokes reveal much more about the joker .
Glad I ran into your video!
Felt like I was missing something since stopping to go to regular salsa class, and I now realize it was going to a 3rd place with people I appreciated.
Kudos for raising awareness about it!
I feel loneliest at night, on weekends when I have no plans. Sometimes I just want to be around other people, but I don't want to go to a restaurant or a pub. It'd be nice to have more third spaces during the evening.
I barely even have a 2nd place. I recently lost my job, and I don’t have my license so I constantly have to ask my mother to take me anywhere, on top of that I could walk (I love walking) but we live many km away from anything even remotely resembling a 2nd/3rd place.
When I did have a job and I was able to go out more, my 3rd place often looked like the park beside the library, or the waterfall 20min drive away.
I can relate to you how you grew up with next to zero freedom. Unfortunately I got so comfortable in that sense of security that I got stuck there. I’m currently digging myself out to freedom.
Yeah I’m in a similar situation. I started studying from home and I don’t have a job or a license. I have lost all sense of time 😂. After my health improves, hopefully I can dig myself out too. You got this man ❤️
@@oywiththepoodlesalready thank you. You’re very sweet. I wish you luck on your travels. May you know the joys of second and third places. 💛
It’s almost the same for me, I lost my job too, and even though I can get to anywhere, most places requires money. I want to pick up painting again for example, but every art community has a joining fee, even if it only means that you can sit there and paint with your own stuff..
I can go anywhere I want in my car at basically all times, yet I don't because none of these places encourage what the usual third place would encourage, everyone is closed off, all you're left with is the people you go to the place with and the general "vibe" of the place and whatever product they sell, it just ruins the mood because all you get from your commute of 40 minutes is a purely materialistic place with no care for anything else, and because I got tired of going out with family since we're always arguing, and none of my "friends" reach out like ever, it demoralized the idea of going out or doing anything really, all that I'm left with is my studies that I have to do on relatively low motivation and I even started using my studies as an excuse to do nothing else and stay home, makes me wish we had a third place, where communication is encouraged, where I can meet new people, make new connections, but it's hard to find and usually a long drive away if I actually find one.
This is why Britain and Ireland have pubs. It devastates a small village to lose its pub because it means everyone in the whole village has lost their third place.
Might be an explanation why going clubbing and going to the pub are seen way differently
This is also why Britain and Ireland have massive alcohol problems.
@@Suwako__Moriya probably true, at least in part. Many rural areas have literally nothing else for people of all ages to do except for go to the pub.
@@Youssii I live in Cumbria. There is nothing for Gen Z here that doesn’t involve substance use lmao
@@Suwako__Moriya yeah back when I was a kid there were things like youth clubs and teenagers could get maintenance allowance to stay in school which gave poor kids the chance to travel further from home to do things but that's all been slashed out of existence.
Some of the worst years of my life were when my day consisted of being bullied at school and going home to my mother at a time when anything would set her off. My third place was the walk between the two and it was never long enough
that sucks man. hope you are in a better place now
Taken both a bachelor's and master's degree in Library and Information Science, heard TONS about third places during both degrees, still haven't really got myself one. Thank you for this video! ❤️
I feel like one of the reasons I'm such a homebody as an adult is because I wasn't really allowed to have a third place growing up. Most of my life was school and home. I would very rarely hang out with friends outside of those two places. I actually would get reprimanded if I tried to! It was like "oh, I asked to hang out with so-and-so last week, so I can't ask to hang out with friends this week." Which looking back was so strange! So my third place for freedom, like so many others in my generation, was the internet. MMO games, social media, online forums, etc! But since the internet world has also evolved as I grew up, my third places on the internet became less and less.
I definitely feel the desire for more connectivity in my adulthood. Especially since my work life is not all that social. I also grew up with the idea of "we have that at home," "we can do that at home," "going out is a waste of money." So even as I was watching this video that idea came to mind. Like it would be such a waste of money to spend $6-$10 on a cup of coffee or tea on the daily at a coffee shop. So I thought of maybe going to a local park as a third place. But even then I'm sure I would hardly interact with anyone else at the park.
I feel like I struggle a lot to interact with new people or with strangers without being connected to something...
I’m honestly hard-pressed to find opinions, thoughts and perspectives that I haven’t considered at some point in my life in today’s world. This video was a breath of fresh air.
A good third place doesn't cost anything (or much) to hang out in and doesn't have a timer for how long you're welcome there.
Most suggested third places either have a requirement to purchase one of their costly products or would have me kick out for loitering if i stayed too long.
Yes, at the moment my third place is nursing school. Sounds crazy, but it's where I get to socialize the most and I really enjoy my classmates ❤
“introvert but not a homebody” this!!! you explained it so well. it’s like a switch got flipped in my head.
I love the point about being an introvert without being a homebody. I can definitely relate to that. Great subject!
i am an introvert and unfortunately quite the homebody. i was always sort of like this, but the pandemic exponentially amplified the "homebody" part. and now, four years after i began my descent into homebody olympics, i'm finding it really difficult to even leave my house enough to develop third spaces and integrate into my local communities.
it sort of helps to think of myself as a zoo animal who requires deliberate enrichment - that at least makes me take the scenic route home and wander into new places a bit more. i take dirty dishes out of my room bc i think about how sims have their day ruined by a single dirty cup nearby. but i can't seem to find the right way to frame it to get me more invested in seeking out community. it may sound silly to some, but i really benefit from that sort of perspective.
i need a way to think of Community and Leaving My Home as fundamental human needs, which i must prioritize over spending another few hours watching youtube videos in the comfort of my own bed. so, genuinely asking, does anyone here have advice for that?
Thanks for talking about this! It’s such an important topic. Especially your commentary on the bland commercialized coffee shops 😭 Some other aspects of Oldenburg’s definition of a third places that I think are important to highlight (I know you briefly mentioned being a regular at a place later in the video but not in the initial def) are no/low barrier of cost (cheap or free), a neutral ground to meet where status is not important, and place to run into ‘familiar strangers.’ Yes, third places are a place to hang out and exchange ideas, it’s also somewhere you run into the same people but have not actually met or talked to- similar to your comment for being an introvert but not a homebody!
I really needed this video, ive been isolating myself from third spaces lately out of feeling socially anxious but it's been taking a toll on me. think im going to start going to the library and a local open mic again! thank you for this!
Yes! Highly recommend the library!
@@penguinij2540why the library? /gen
@@kytesav thanks for asking :) I'm a senior in high school, and I really love stories, so that's why I go there often. Though when I try to promote it to my friends, I mention how libraries don't just have a lot of books, they also have recent movies (like movies that sometimes just came out of the theaters), align with some libraries, having laptops that can be borrowed and I believe taken home.
Some libraries also have nice sights, like one that's near me, is a three story building, and on the top floor, you can see out of a large window a nice view of the suburban downtown.
I would also like to believe that you can find a lot of kind people at libraries. I hope that helps 😁
@@penguinij2540 woahh i didnt kniw that! i forgot the last time i went to one, i dont think ive ever been to one ! i didnt know they had all that 😅 ty for responding:D
You could always try going to places during unpopular times lol. That's what I do. LIke I go to the movies on a random week day or on Sunday morning. So I'm out & there are people but not too many.
For me, growing up in the early 2000s, it was Borders Bookstore. They would host book releases and signings, college students would do homework and tutoring, and kids would be seated in and around the manga section. Sometimes hosting Yu-Gi-Oh tournaments. Parents would browse the DVD and CD sections or look at the latest books. They had big leather chairs and some wooden chairs and tables. It was like being in a cool relative's house instead of a bookstore. When they went bankrupt and shut down in 2011, it was replaced with a DSW, and my town hasn't really recovered; there is no real place to go hang out and read or do coursework, or do nerd stuff without being affiliated with a university and now that I'm in my late 20s I'm stuck with nothing really to do or nowhere to go. Incredibly lonely.
for me personally, my third place is being in a discord call and playing games with my online friends. when i'm in a call with them i dont feel lonely and it's fun and engaging
Third places have always been very rare occurrences in my life.
I don’t necessarily want to be a home body, but have never found a consistent place that I can just go to.
13:23 yeah this is how two of my friends' house was from when I was probably 12-20. It was just the spot anyone could come through at basically any time and hang out because their parents were really chill and inviting people who were totally fine with having to spontaneously feed the half dozen teenagers who randomly showed up at their house. Their house was a bunch of kids' third space and they were basically everyone's second set of parents.
About Starbucks becoming less of a 3rd place - in NYC, no one wants you to spend time in a Starbucks. The bathrooms are locked, the tables heavily touched. You're better off at Jackson McNally anyway, even if there are fewer places to sit.
Appreciate this video, as someone who grew up on the rural edge of encroaching suburbia whose third place was the woods until I was able to drive a car.
In my early 20s, I would hang out at an internet cafe & order delicious oversized coffee. I loved that neighborhood pocket so much, I ended up moving into a lil studio nearby. The area had so much personality & lots of art galleries opened up. I had an awesome time living there. Life happened & a family became very sick & I moved away. But i fondly remember having my 3rd place. And even 4th, since I ended up meeting a dear friend who had a large living & we would hang all the time. I wish everyone finds sweet 3rd places. 🦋🌿
Learned about this from Not Just Bikes, Realized anything around me I would have to drive too. So excited to be moving to an area with decent shoppes around it that are walking distance
I can’t speak for everyone here, but doing improv is a great third place! If you’re up for some fun (and not too nervous) hit up an improv jam!
damn shit got heavy at 7:00 🤣
"I am an introvert but I am not a homebody" honestly, same. Though lately I became a bit more of a homebody 😅😩🙈
Another problem (a very crucial one IMO) is when the amount of "free" third spaces (parks, library, etc.) diminishes and the amount of "paid" third spaces (cafés, bars, etc.) increases, and along with that increase the "fee" (the price of the drinks, etc.) to those "paid" third places _increases_ as well 😒🙄🤦🏾
SMH late stage capitalism 🤦🏾🙈💀
First time I'm hearing this concept but it makes a lot of sense. I realize now you lose the "free" third places that are handed to you when you are young. Things like school libraries, student lounges, cafeterias, seating areas, club rooms, a random hallway that you and your friends sit in a group at, etc. Once you get out of college/university, unless you get lucky and find a pretty relaxed job with a small tight-knit friendly team that spends time together outside of work, you really need to actively search for a third place.
It sucks that in North America most places are very anti-social these days. Most fast-food restaurants I've gone to are now limiting your seating time to 30 minutes. You can't even hang around in many spots in public anymore because someone decided that loitering is bad and should be illegal by some absurd leaps in logic. Libraries are okay but you have to keep quiet, so not an ideal place to socialize. Most places that are conducive to a social environment also push you into spending a ton of money and are simply not that affordable to do on a regular basis for most people (think the cost of food, drinks, tickets, shopping, etc). That kind of sucks.
Lots to think about. I just graduated from University where I would hang out in our CS student lounge pretty much all the time. Maybe I'll look for a hackerspace in my city or something to get those vibes back.
My childhood and current third place is the public library in my hometown. My town really values it, so there's always events, lots of clubs meet there, the top floor has a ton of games you can play, and its almost always open
Watching this really helped me realise how many third places ive actually had throughout my life, whether that be the local record store or comic book store, and now that ive moved to a new city for university, ive noticed that Ive found even more third places here, and I honestly spend more time in these places than in my room at this point
My third space is the nature park near my house, It helps me to remove all negativity in my mind, and has helped me a few times when I was going through some rough things in my life, I can always go there not feeling judged, and it just feels comfy to me knowing I can lay in a patch of grass and stare into the sky with a close friend, just talking about life and hanging out
This was gentle, informative and didn't feel like watching an extended tiktok video (which so many video essays now feel like, constantly 'needing' to keep me engaged). Plus it really made me think.
Favourite bit of content I've viewed in a while.
This is so real and If we had more 3rd places, places like target and McDonald’s wouldn’t be so constantly packed where I’m from, people would be able to spread out and hang out in comfortable places and not just opt to go to big brand stores “for fun”.
I'm not your most loyal viewer but every now and than you pop up on my feed and your video essays are always a breath of fresh air. keep it up amanda
I think that in order for a third space to occur the ideal environment would have not for profit spaces. I have a wine liquor store where i go to vibe. Even if i don't drink, i sometimes will go to read and talk to other regulars and the owner and workers there are all for it. Problem is the rent. Big cities have expensive real estate and i know those guys are barely making ends meet. Other places I've found a third space are illegal raves but u are still paying a fee to enter in that case. I feel like there needs ro be more libraries and parks that are open late or essentially some sort of club house, but donors to keep such a place open are thinning out in this day and age.
When I first moved to Toronto, there was this coffee shop around the corner from where I lived called Cannonball. I used to go there multiple times a week, ordering drip coffee and sitting for hours with my laptop and headphones. It was a classic third place... it belonged to the man who lived in the apartment upstairs, who frequently served the coffee and chatted with his regulars. The walls were decorated with old posters he'd collected throughout his life, and not one mug was the same. The wooden tables were old and rickety, and there was a small patio in the backyard. I hardly ever spoke to anyone when I was there, but I never felt alone. I was just starting to learn to produce my own music, and a lot of the time that's what I would do while I sat in the corner. Sadly, it went down during the pandemic, and I later learned that the man who owned it gave up his place. It still holds a special place in my heart.
My third place became the skate rink
Thanks so much for this. I've recently been feeling quite insecure about my social life or about going to my third/second place alone cause someone I know kept on asking me if I really had friends if I'm always going there alone. But I'm an outdoorsy introvert and I enjoy going out cause I know I'll meet people I know there and hang out or study (which makes it kind of a second place but I digress) and this really brings me comfort.
I also didn't have that many friends growing up (albeit I was comfortable and content) and thanks for reminding me that there's nothing wrong with that.
In short,
Thanks for your content - it's really relatable + comforting :3
Your vocabulary is amazing! It's obvious you're well read.
For any college students or soon to be college students, having a third space is so important! Aside from off campus spaces, this third place mostly comes in the form of clubs. I realized the importance of joining non-academic clubs a bit later than some people. I joined a crochet club at my university and have made so many more connections and felt tbh less lonely. I initially joined academic clubs but those can get a bit serious and esp in a stem environment, kind of competitive. Joining those non-academic clubs definitely helps with making friends plus learning new hobbies too.
The sad thing about third places is that it's really hard to find more than a couple third places that don't involve spending a lot of money. Gyms need memberships, lattes cost ALOT some places. Local coffee shops and stuff like that are few and far between. Also like, existing alone going to a third place is dangerous, and like you mentioned in the video, lack of agency/autonomy.
Before I moved, my friends and I had a supper club. There were 4 of us and we would take turns hosting dinner at each other's homes once a month. It was fun because we got to "go out to eat" once a month. Always looked forward to it, even when times were tough and dinner was utility spaghetti ($1 jar of sauce, $1 pound of noodles, buttered toast).
Here's where i stumble
I can be at a 3rd space like central perk.
But then not interact with anyone. I feel intrusive if i ask how someones day is. Or ask what book they are reading.
Self doubt rushes in "why would anyone want to talk with me?".
So i sit and read and leave not talking to anyone besides the barista.
Yes i left my house but what good is it to change space for the same activity.
My third place was the public library, where I spent countless hours browsing books, playing Yu-gi-oh cards with friends, and doing my homework. Looking back, the public library saved my life because it introduced me to many books that liberated my consciousness and made me aware that there are so many books on shelves, but nobody reads them.
Literally was searching on TH-cam for an hour clicked on this so fast thank you for saving me
Love this and I've sent this to so many of my friends because everyone believes that we need to move out to Suburbia for a better life - everyone just ends up reliant on cars and it makes me sad for kids being hostages until they have licenses
I live in a dead space. The most accessible third spaces are the local church school’s cemetery or the completely vacant and decrepit parks for children. There are no indoor third spaces (aside from bars) within a 3 mile radius. Walking or biking here is a death wish, as we’re surrounded by roads that people usually drive 55 mph on. There is no public transportation. And the infrastructure is so horrible I’d rather stay home and be lonely than have to drive on the scariest roads to a third space. It’s like the government is really trying to induce loneliness…
It's our developers who insisted on centering our development patterns around the automobile following the second world war.
I think now I realised why I´m so much happier since i moved out. it´s because in my hometown we lacked these kind of thrid places. my childhood was great but the end of teens were pretty much exhausting because i just went to school and than went home because i needed to study or spend time with my family. i lacked of time for hobbies outside my first and second place.
m very glad it changed since i moved to berlin for university. i still need to study and so on but now i´ll actively take more time for third places, like going to a community center just to chat with some people, enjoy an evening in a local jazz bar or particepate in a free portrait course where we just meet up in a bar once a week and draw eachother one by one.
i´m so much happier now because my life is filled with so much more connection than ever outside my home und workplace/university. it gives me inspiration, energy and i´ve grown so much more self confidence in the last half year. the best decicion i´ve ever made.
i just love how my generation seeks fro more connection rather than just to straight up focus only on productivety and (profession conected) goals.
i dont want to say these things aren´t important just that it should not be our only focus in life.
a good life is lived when we actually live it and not just try to check every bow on our to do list.
life is unpredictable which can be good and bad.
my advice is do that thing you wanted to try out for so long! i know it can be scary as fuck but it´s better to fail than to not try at all.
When I was growing up, my 2 3rd spaces were the ballet studio and church, though to be honest I was at the ballet studio MUCH more than I ever was at church, lol, and I grew up in a high demand religion, so yes, I was kind of looked down upon by the church people. I stopped dancing at 18 because of an injury and I just never went back, and for a few years I don't think I really had a true 3rd place, I tried to find one, but I was bumping around too much to really fit in anywhere. In my late 20s and early 30s I found my 3rd space in university choirs and volunteering with the uni theatre department. I really really loved it, but it left little room for dating and having a relationship because work and my 3rd space activities took up ALL my time, but I would not have changed my decision. In my mid and late 30s I moved abroad for a job and all my social time was spent trying to make friends, lol, it was hard, I wanted local friends, but only expats were easy to make friends with, except expats are a bit flakey, I didn't like it so much, though joining a language exchange group led me to meet my now husband, and I don't regret that, lol. In my early 40s I moved to a new country again, this time a full on immigrant, to my husband's home country. We moved in the middle of 2020, and I don't count that first year because of the pandemic, but I haven't been able to recover and find my place here. We have good group of friends, but half of them have kids which takes up a lot of their time, all of us are spread out around the city in a really big city so we only really see each other in person at the most 8 times a year, that's not much, honestly. And for me there's a bit of a language barrier so I feel uncomfortable doing what I'd normally do to find a 3rd place, plus those things that I'd normally do take up a lot of evenings and I feel like I'd never see my husband, lol, and I like being around my husband, we're not best friends, but I like being around him, if I was going off to do all these activities and such I feel like we'd start feeling like roommates instead of partners/spouses. He found his niche though in a chess club, but they only meet at the most a couple weekends a month. I just haven't found anything yet, and I'm wondering if that's one thing that's affecting my mental health.
Oh certainly! Have you thought of volunteering? I can relate to travelling to a different country, not speaking the language or having close friends (I assume most of the friends you have are probably your husband's).
If you like the gym, join the gym, local library or find a place to volunteer or have a pet (walking dogs opens you to a huge community). I pray it goes well with you.
This is insightful. The immense difference there is to even think about what can be my possible third places already puts me in a good mood. I never even had an idea of this third place concept and to explore and contemplate who to visit those third places is so exciting as well as relaxing. Thank you for explaining this to the finest detail and I appreciate you sharing your own story.
i absolutely needed this video
Thank you for this. Your closing remarks about attending writers groups and how even a friends house can be considered a third place really made me look up and realise how blessed I am in my own life as someone who (at least from what I've heard in this video) seems to have a very similar kind of situation to you. I'm gonna make an effort in the future to attend more "third place" type gatherings and to actively try to talk to new people. Thanks!
I definitely needed a third place for a long time, but i had no idea this was a thing. No idea. Things have closed more since covid. Worse than that neighbors just dont say hello anymore
My middle school had a free youth center next door that had a gym, an art room, a nap room, and a kitchen. There were always scheduled games, crafts, and activities going on, and someone was always baking something. It saved my life, and brought me so much joy. I was able to socialize, and felt cared for when I didn't feel that at home. I wish this was at every school, it would solve so many problems. (Also something like this for adults would be amazing!)
My third place is my church and even there I feel lonely. I need to find a fourth place.
Fairy tales are not real. Grow up, and leave the creepy cultists.
I was a teenager in 2020. my teenagehood has been spent working or isolated. I struggle to make conversation. I've forgotten how to make friends and I can't drive because nobody wants to teach me how plus cars give me anxiety attacks. I wish my life was different. I live in the desert so walking is exhausting
im a christian so many of my 3rd places are around the fact that i am, and honestly, is very cool to meet ppl w my same beliefs but also just hanging out (not only church, i also have friends who i volunteer with, etc) but also just knowing that there rlly is not a ‘purpose’ or a profit by meeting but just being w eachother! if any of u are christian or just curious i would recommend looking up if your college has a RUF club (there’s bible studies, movie and book clubs, and just having lunch together)
creepy cultist. Grow up.
to me, you are radiating so much positivity, i just discovered your channel and i really enjoyed listening to what you had to say ✨🦋