I get it’s a self value situation , but it’s so contradictory in your own heart , one part of you craves this person for some amazing qualities but this behaviour causes so much anxiety and stress in your relationship it’s not healthy for yourself , yet you still love this person so much and find it so difficult to completely let go .
You're not letting go the person you're letting go of the shadow of yourself. Because once you are free of their negative patterns you are truly able to accept real partnership. All these videos are great but it's like a hamster running a wheel, it will not make a single difference how better you understand an avoidant if they don't think they have a problem to begin with.
Thanks for the info but it’s extremely difficult to action all those things you suggested, I.e you say you should be direct , No BS, no ambiguity, the loved one of an avoidant needs to be transparent, honest , communicative, he/she must work on their attachment style etc etc - all good stuff and on the face of it , many would do all that but in reality it doesn’t work because typically the avoidant partner is secretive, not clear , not direct , not honest, they do not say what they want or what they need , they usually do not ask for communication or anything, they lie , flirt with other people , micro cheat , cheat, go cold , distance , deactivate , withhold affection , stonewall , silent treatment, gaslight you to avoid taking responsibility, cancel plans ……add to the list. How can anybody work with that ?
Oh my god who the hell wants to be in a relationship with someone like this , I’m done done! I am not twisting myself into a pretzel to meet your needs because you are insecure! NO
They're a lot of work. So much patience is required. I've realized life is too short to do everything alone while being loyal to someone who's never around. Better to find a secure person who doesn't put me through so much nonsense. And that's what it is. Nonsense. Life and time is precious.
I agree. I can empathize and try to understand them, but it's just too much work. I am basically secure and spent four years with FA until he dumped me for another. I wish him well on his life path.
@@Flufero23 yes. They're wonderful in many ways but it will most likely fail or they will repeatedly break up with you and then call you as if nothing happened then repeat again. It's mental gymnastics. And it creates addiction to a person which is so unhealthy. When he came to find me again after a decade, I couldn't believe he said we dated a couple a months. Um try a couple years buddy. That one hurt! But they have no comprehension they're hurting you. They're consumed by their own trauma-world. And time perception is different for them.
As someone who has FA family members and councillors on the opposing side, I get it, I do. I have a lot of empathy for people with avoidant attachments because they want connection, and they can most certainly learn to move into more of a secure spot. But we have to be realistic that these types of dynamics cause an awful lot of harm. Even to the point where your physical health is vastly damaged.
Tbh, screw that shi*. Closeness is seen as a threat, communication is a threat, ignoring is self-abandoning myself and they don't make the first move to repair. Expressing how I do feel that our intimacy is fading comes across as overbearing. You lose either way. Go and play golf then. They've got the emotional capacity of a kid.
Pretty much hit the nail on the head, if you try to hard you push them away if you don’t hard enough you push them away you literally have to walk on eggshells
It’s so confusing Be vulnerable, but be independent Be honest about your feelings, but don’t show negative emotions I’m hurting constantly and I wasn’t taught how to self soothe.
That requires so much energy and u have to chase. And question ur feelings and intensions. Feeling ashamed. No thanks. We r adults lets them find each other I want noone to teach and tell how to be adult, give and show emotions
You are kidding me. Love, true love is really worth the effort!! I sense that is what you truly desire. Everybody wants to be a diamond, but hardly anyone likes to get cut.
I've hit a wall where, as an FA, I have a need for safety and security, and his need for independence is killing our relationship. It's not like a need for space - it's that he's making me an option. He feels the need to keep me around, but if he finds something better, he told me that he'll leave. We have been best friends for 25 years. From what I've learned, if an FA doesn't get the need for security/safety met, we go into fight/flight and eventually leave the relationship. Yet every time I leave the connection, it damages the trust on his side. I don't know how to break this dynamic. I don't like the feeling of this threat looming over my head. I try to talk to him, but he hates having "talks," and I hate not having transparency (another FA need).
I think above all, an avoidant craves control. This is why when their ex accepts the breakup and moves on, when the power shifts into equilibrium, the avoidant begins to miss them and rethink their decision. But we all need to remember that not all exes come back. It’s likely that even leveling up, being independent, and letting go won’t accomplish anything other than creating a better life without that person.
Alexis, thank you very much for your valuable videos. They're of great help! Can you please do a video on the DA's shame wound? What is it exactly, how not to trigger it as a partner and once it's triggered how could a partner reassure the DA & help him overcome it? (Especially if there's no contact for months). Thank you in advance.
How are we able to be consistent with them when they want space or only want us to text them last minute? What if all we did was fight when hiking though that's all he wants to do...and 20 mile hikes are very taxing too
Dear Alexis ! How do I handle this situation : I am going to spend a two weeks holiday alone . This is: without my avoidant lover (boyfriend). I think, that it is going to hurt him, because he may feel insecure. Insecure, about me being gone. But I surely have to spend this time and enjoy it. I am a fearful avoidant, trying to get ... healing ... a lot of healthy activities in nature
@@mincedtofu I know really immature. He broke my heart, I never did anything to him and now he acts like I don't exist and we never had a relationships. Although I went directly into no contact after the breakup
In the process of our relationship we had a disastrous first sexual experience. We continued to date and I asked him if we could have a Do-over and pretend that the first time didn’t happen. He agreed and it went great afterwards. Post dump- I’m giving him space and working on myself. I’m sure he’s already dating again but when we met up two months after no contact to trade our things he also said “You look good!” and leaned in for a kiss when we parted. Is that a sign? I’m not sure what the timing is to suggest another do-over for the whole relationship. And I don’t want to get deep into him again just to be dumped a second time.
Alexis, how can I apply these principles if my ex and I are not even in contact? I sent back her belongings and she sent back mine. It's like she's completely dissociated from my life.
I recommend time and distance. My GF called me after 5 months. I was already with another girl and I made sure she could see us together. Now we are back together and very happy.
I get it’s a self value situation , but it’s so contradictory in your own heart , one part of you craves this person for some amazing qualities but this behaviour causes so much anxiety and stress in your relationship it’s not healthy for yourself , yet you still love this person so much and find it so difficult to completely let go .
You're not letting go the person you're letting go of the shadow of yourself. Because once you are free of their negative patterns you are truly able to accept real partnership. All these videos are great but it's like a hamster running a wheel, it will not make a single difference how better you understand an avoidant if they don't think they have a problem to begin with.
We should not be changing ourselves they need to be the ones changing themselves from this abnormal behavior.
Thanks for the info but it’s extremely difficult to action all those things you suggested, I.e you say you should be direct , No BS, no ambiguity, the loved one of an avoidant needs to be transparent, honest , communicative, he/she must work on their attachment style etc etc - all good stuff and on the face of it , many would do all that but in reality it doesn’t work because typically the avoidant partner is secretive, not clear , not direct , not honest, they do not say what they want or what they need , they usually do not ask for communication or anything, they lie , flirt with other people , micro cheat , cheat, go cold , distance , deactivate , withhold affection , stonewall , silent treatment, gaslight you to avoid taking responsibility, cancel plans ……add to the list. How can anybody work with that ?
That’s not avoidant. That’s a narcissist.
Oh my god who the hell wants to be in a relationship with someone like this , I’m done done! I am not twisting myself into a pretzel to meet your needs because you are insecure! NO
They're a lot of work. So much patience is required. I've realized life is too short to do everything alone while being loyal to someone who's never around. Better to find a secure person who doesn't put me through so much nonsense. And that's what it is. Nonsense. Life and time is precious.
I agree. I can empathize and try to understand them, but it's just too much work. I am basically secure and spent four years with FA until he dumped me for another. I wish him well on his life path.
@@Flufero23 yes. They're wonderful in many ways but it will most likely fail or they will repeatedly break up with you and then call you as if nothing happened then repeat again. It's mental gymnastics. And it creates addiction to a person which is so unhealthy. When he came to find me again after a decade, I couldn't believe he said we dated a couple a months. Um try a couple years buddy. That one hurt! But they have no comprehension they're hurting you. They're consumed by their own trauma-world. And time perception is different for them.
You just don`t love anybody.
Oh i do❤@@marguskiis7711
They are engineered to be alone. Let them
As someone who has FA family members and councillors on the opposing side, I get it, I do.
I have a lot of empathy for people with avoidant attachments because they want connection, and they can most certainly learn to move into more of a secure spot.
But we have to be realistic that these types of dynamics cause an awful lot of harm. Even to the point where your physical health is vastly damaged.
Tbh, screw that shi*. Closeness is seen as a threat, communication is a threat, ignoring is self-abandoning myself and they don't make the first move to repair. Expressing how I do feel that our intimacy is fading comes across as overbearing. You lose either way. Go and play golf then. They've got the emotional capacity of a kid.
There’s a reason for that
And less so sometimes
Pretty much hit the nail on the head, if you try to hard you push them away if you don’t hard enough you push them away you literally have to walk on eggshells
It’s so confusing
Be vulnerable, but be independent
Be honest about your feelings, but don’t show negative emotions
I’m hurting constantly and I wasn’t taught how to self soothe.
Negative emotions are useless anyway.
Never again.
These people need therapy not a relationship. Full grown ppl should take responsibility for their actions and life.
Exactly.
💯
That requires so much energy and u have to chase. And question ur feelings and intensions. Feeling ashamed. No thanks. We r adults lets them find each other I want noone to teach and tell how to be adult, give and show emotions
NO THANK YOU, rather be alone
You are kidding me. Love, true love is really worth the effort!! I sense that is what you truly desire.
Everybody wants to be a diamond, but hardly anyone likes to get cut.
I've hit a wall where, as an FA, I have a need for safety and security, and his need for independence is killing our relationship. It's not like a need for space - it's that he's making me an option. He feels the need to keep me around, but if he finds something better, he told me that he'll leave. We have been best friends for 25 years. From what I've learned, if an FA doesn't get the need for security/safety met, we go into fight/flight and eventually leave the relationship. Yet every time I leave the connection, it damages the trust on his side. I don't know how to break this dynamic. I don't like the feeling of this threat looming over my head. I try to talk to him, but he hates having "talks," and I hate not having transparency (another FA need).
This video is extremely important. Thanks Alexis.
I think above all, an avoidant craves control. This is why when their ex accepts the breakup and moves on, when the power shifts into equilibrium, the avoidant begins to miss them and rethink their decision. But we all need to remember that not all exes come back. It’s likely that even leveling up, being independent, and letting go won’t accomplish anything other than creating a better life without that person.
Great info!
Alexis, thank you very much for your valuable videos. They're of great help!
Can you please do a video on the DA's shame wound? What is it exactly, how not to trigger it as a partner and once it's triggered how could a partner reassure the DA & help him overcome it? (Especially if there's no contact for months). Thank you in advance.
Yes it's all about you ( the aviodance )
Exactly and u have to give up ur MINIMUM emotional validation just to please them. No way
If i had this knowledge earlier...
How to attract an abuser. R u kidding me???
How are we able to be consistent with them when they want space or only want us to text them last minute? What if all we did was fight when hiking though that's all he wants to do...and 20 mile hikes are very taxing too
Alexis, how does an avoidant act in love? Signs? Thanks!
Dear Alexis !
How do I handle this situation :
I am going to spend a two weeks holiday alone . This is: without my avoidant lover (boyfriend). I think, that it is going to hurt him, because he may feel insecure.
Insecure, about me being gone.
But I surely have to spend this time and enjoy it. I am a fearful avoidant,
trying to get
... healing
... a lot of healthy activities in nature
I did it all
If you are broken up and in no contact. How do you get them to communicate then? They continue to want independence.
They need to heal
Bro, something about your test I didn't understand, we haven't seen eachother face to face in a while but we texted almost every day?
What is the time frame are we talking bout 1-2 months after - 6 months after?
my fa ex wont even look at me, almost 2 years after the breakup :D
The same with my FA ex.
Honestly, that’s your win! Why would you want someone like that around you?
Haha same. I feel you.
@@mincedtofu I know really immature. He broke my heart, I never did anything to him and now he acts like I don't exist and we never had a relationships. Although I went directly into no contact after the breakup
@@Cornelius1212 were you the dumper or the dumpee?
What if you broke up with them? Its all too
Confusing! Do they still process the same?
I was interested in someone, but if this is how they treat the few people in the world who care about them.....nah
Why would you want to????!
In the process of our relationship we had a disastrous first sexual experience. We continued to date and I asked him if we could have a Do-over and pretend that the first time didn’t happen. He agreed and it went great afterwards.
Post dump- I’m giving him space and working on myself. I’m sure he’s already dating again but when we met up two months after no contact to trade our things he also said “You look good!” and leaned in for a kiss when we parted. Is that a sign? I’m not sure what the timing is to suggest another do-over for the whole relationship. And I don’t want to get deep into him again just to be dumped a second time.
Alexis, how can I apply these principles if my ex and I are not even in contact? I sent back her belongings and she sent back mine. It's like she's completely dissociated from my life.
I recommend time and distance. My GF called me after 5 months. I was already with another girl and I made sure she could see us together. Now we are back together and very happy.
@@brunom.fernandes6682are things different now? How long have you been back together?
Never again.