Expecting Your Autistic Partner to Mask Takes a Devastating Toll
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ก.ย. 2024
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. #ActuallyAutistic #orionkelly #autism #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike #asd
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***We mask to survive
***It comes at a cost
***Living our whole lives pretending to be something that people will accept
What do I want," is even a difficult question.
Resonates deeply, trying to unveil the impostor to myself. Thank you. ✨
Yup i even hide in front of my husband. I mask in front of him. After 13 years of marriage. I got a very hard shutdown meltdown. I got severally depressed and im bearly comin out of it right as I'm typing this. He knows im autistic yet when i ask him, please slow down talking or if i talk slowly (like im talking to a child, his words). He would always get very angry at me and he would get insulted and not talk to me. Not even a week ago, i told him, i process this slower. My brain cannot pick things up that quick. IM AUTISTIC. GO SLOWER. I PROCESS SLOWER THAN YOU. Did he even get it. All these years. Now, he sees my true autistic self, that ive been hiding from even myself. I don't even know the true ME, much less him. So yeah. Sleep and zero stress is key. I love you. Please take care autistic peeps. 🙏
I process slower also. Heaven forbid someone asks me an unexpected question. I always tell them I wasn't ready for a "pop quiz". I don't know what to tell you in communicating with your husband. He might need to understand it's not him, that it's your brain wired differently & the communication receiving neuropathways in your brain are wired differently & may not fire as rapidly as his does. And please slow down a little to give your brain a moment extra to process his sentence(s). You're a human being just like him. Humans aren't always built exactly the same just like the variety of cars, computers & cell phones. Asperger's doesn't make anyone a lesser human being. Aspies are commonly referred to as mini professors & that's a really cool, intelligent & inspiring trait NTs don't necessarily have.
Tell him your brain responds like an older computer with a slower processing speed but with way more accurate, reliable information. Your speaking is different because you are different & trying desperately to get him to understand what & who you really are. Once he understands, he should be easier to communicate with with little reminders for him to slow down, your computer is running a little slower at that moment in time. He gets frustrated with slow Internet doesn't he? 🙌
You are intelligent, sweet & an amazing human being. Don't give up with your beautiful brain & heart. 💗💓💖
❤
What is weird to me, is that I never knew who my true self was. I knew I was a great “actress” because I managed to always keep employed, and now, in my 70’s, I find out I am autistic, which is a great relief because it explains so much … but I still don’t have a clue what’s underneath. I guess it is the old “why is there air?” question of life, the universe and everything🥴🥴🥴
I'm 39, served in the military in Iraq and Afghanistan, and just recently found out I have autism spectrum disorder. My whole life i felt and thought about many of the things you discuss in your videos. It's a relief to know that my negative thoughts all these years were just due to not understanding my autism.
I don't have any contact with my ex, I cut all ties many years ago.
If I did ever encounter her again, I'd be sure to say "Oh yeah, I'm autistic."
It explains so much about negative moments in our relationship. (Certainly not all of them.)
I didn't even start learning who I really was till I was 40. I'm 41 now.😊
Thanks for this, not enough notice goes to the disassociation/de-personalization that can happen with long term depression, burnout, and suppression of your sense of self. We can end up trapped in our heads and it takes years to feel like you have a real body again even with the best support.
There’s a reason ‘the closet’ and long term identity suppression are recognized to be so devastating, directly increasing cptsd and increasing suicide risk among others. it’s long form gaslighting, a disconnect between your internal reality and the ‘you’ you are forced to present to the world as they tell you whats in your head is make believe, wrong, inappropriate, or whatever other excuse to impose discordant conformity on your body and mind that does not match what you would do if none of that pressure existed.
I think what is great about learning about autism is we get the words and understanding to be able to communicate our needs, for instance to avoid sensory overload or burnout - and to explain what happened if we had a meltdown or needed to leave not to have one. Or to explain stimming.
Yet, I don't see masking (or holding back) as necessarily a totally bad thing. I mean, even as an ND person (with autistic traits, maybe an undiagnosed aspie) I have my limits to how long and how often I can happily listen for hours to another person chatting away about some special interest that I don't share (it seems that I have quite a lot more tolerance for it than most people, but even for me there are limits if I don't get to talk as well or if I get "invaded" to often and in situations I am trying to do something else, just because I listen). And when it comes to loud meltdowns I have almost zero tolerance because it stresses me out Big Time. Same with verbal loud stimming (or visually "noisy" stimming) - my nervous system can't handle it for long. Too much sensory input.
I guess, there is a fine line between being honest/authentic and being inconsiderate/selfish - for all people, not only "NDs".
I get where you're coming from. I think it's helpful to be aware of what sets you off and maybe explain that to people so they can work with you. Like one of my issues is people touching my stuff. I work in a warehouse. It's all my stuff. I often explain to people looking for things that that's an issue I have. I need to help them because it gives me too much anxiety to just let them wander aimlessly .
Exactly this is what cost my last relationship to fail. I understood these things not of myself and therefore behaved in ways which caused hurt too her. In the beginning the masking was fine, but it was costing me more and more until the aniexty started to breakthrough and depression and finally the autistic burn out symptoms, I was not a fun guy to be around with anymore at the time. But now finally understanding this about my autism gives me a lot of peace about the past and makes me finally understand why I always was trying so hard to mask it, to fit in. Ironic is how you think with the masking that you save people from your autistic drama while in reality it causes the drama you try to avoid due to the stress that comes with trying to be neurotypical while your are not. My learning point in all this is that I'm trying to stay more real and stop being ashamed for having autism, so that I don't end up with a persona which I'm not and which causes hurt to the ones who are close to me. For example I have more alone time so that I can actually recharge before hopping in another social conversation.
yes. I finally got diagnosed at 42 and finally not masking anymore and it feels GREAT
The thing is, I don't know when I'm actually masking most of the time since I can only think of two times I was probably masking. 1. When I was in high school and in a class that was supposedly a large counseling group, the counselor/teacher(?) for some reason that I can't remember asked the class, "You know when you splash water to your lips to keep them hydrated?" I've never heard of that before until then, but I ended up nodding my head in agreement when I was clueless about it while most of the students seemed to understand. I don't get why I did it. Maybe it was or of hiding my ignorance since I've had experience being called out for not knowing when everyone else seemed to know at the right time but me. Also, most recently, I checked out a store that I was curious about when I was unaware how new it was. The seventh day after its grand opening to be exact. Whoops! I got so overwhelmed by how crowded and narrow because others are trying to move around and see the stuff there too. I tried to pull through to look at the remaining aisles before leaving. I've learned them and there that I can't get myself into small, narrow, crowded places with people moving around. I couldn't enjoy the store as much as I wanted because of it. The funny thing is, I'm from a city, so I'm used to, but not fond of, being in crowded places. My senses aren't as strong as other Autistics, so throughout my life I could be in crowded subway trains, crowded sidewalks and streets, even lots of lights and sounds from advertisements coming from large screens. Heck, I've gone to an arena concert for *NSYNC during the early 2000's and I didn't have a problem with it. I guess I'm just understimulated. Still, I've never experienced anything like it. Never again do I want to go through that, but I did learn about what's not for me as an Autistic person. I was in a way late diagnosed and somewhat misdiagnosed because I found out I was diagnosed to have PDD-NOS (aka Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) when I was a toddler. I knew I had a speech delay as a toddler and got evaluated. I only was ever told that my disabilty was related to "Speech and Language." There was truth to it, but I never had a name for it. It's so confusing that even my mother wasn't given much information about it since I was a huge mystery as to what I'm capable of doing and how I'll be able to navigate the world. Once I read that PDD-NOS is no longer used and it's now just simply Autism, things started to make sense. Once I looked into what Autism really is via through TH-cam channels, blogs and websites from and by Autistics (like this one!), I began to better understand myself. Even now I still have a lot to learn about how Autism looks like for me and how to better show what's helpful and not helpful to my family. Now I know why I had a hard time with doing certain things from keeping up with everyone, sometimes taking things too literal, looking bad or awkward for it, even why almost everything I write takes forever and it ends up being so long because I don't know how else to express myself without being wordy Most of all, I felt like I belong and don't belong at the same time. Loved and accepted, but also feel like an inconvenience for not meeting certain expectations of neurotypical people.
Whoever read this comment up to this point, thanks for reading! Hope I helped with putting in some insight of how else Autism can look since we do vary in many ways!
My mother was a psychologist and I remember as a grade school girl she took me to work with her one day. I think she may have tested me. Maybe an IQ test? I remember the ink blots and trying to copy her stringing colorful beads on a string the same way she had done.
When I was in college a boyfriend kept bragging to me about how smart they were and their 124 IQ. But it made me feel stupid. So I was complaining to my mom when I was home for a visit. And she sort of laughed. I asked what was so funny and she said mine was higher. But how would I have known that?
Now that she's gone I'm learning that she had autism too, as do all her daughters. I wish it had been discussed
Oh no. I have never splashed my lips with water to moisten or wet them....even in hot, direct outdoor heat. Oh my. No one taught me about that one. So, you're not the only person that hasn't done this. I have masked on a variety of occasions. But since I'm older & not in college or group settings, I'm just going to be me.
I also take forever to explain something even though I have ADD, possible Asperger's, PTSD, etc. I get myself lost when I speak to someone due to memory & ADD issues. I'm a mess & that's okay. I can't mask to "please" everyone. In the end, God knows my flaws & understands all human flaws. He loves all of us regardless of any form of autism or NT. As long as we love Him & Jesus & work to the best of our ability to do our best for Him, we'll be okay & genuinely loved in the end by Him through Jesus. 😢 Please, there's nothing wrong with you. You are truly okay. You are also amazing. We as humans can't please everyone all the time. Those people that seem like everyone likes them are quite rare. They may suffer so much in private for being a "perfect people please". Please take great care of yourself. But also love & respect yourself. You are truly loved. 💗💓💖
It's a shock at 64 years old to discover I even masked to myself. Had no idea it was ADHD and autisim, I thought everyone must be doing it tough and chalked it down to coming from an abusive background as I have all 10 ACS from childhood so CPTSD on top of this. I feel like I must be talking another language as I am living rough, no power or water on pain and seizure medication, and due to being rural, zero help. ZERO It just ain't fair. I also can't drive. Totally isolated. Terrible system, so I took it to NSW state member for parliament
When I finally figured out that my estranged husband is autistic, well it was too late for us, but it completely changed my understanding of most of the troubles we had had, and tbh continue to have (as co-parents). I'd love to see more content about improving relations with autistic partners/co-parents! I'm ND myself but still struggle with all of this.
Hubby just realized he's autistic, and I've known for a few years now that I'm ADHD. Two different types of neurodivergence, two different types of masking. Both of us have been unpacking a lot lately!
Thank you for this video. It will be a reminder for me for the special autistic person in my life. I am a social person so I have to remember it's exhausting for him if I cover to many subjects one after another. It's okay. I get it.😊
Brilliant video. Thank you. Work, social interactions…just everything and everywhere. Glad you can shine a light on this. 100% me.
It's very hard to mask anymore. I have been under a rock most my life for many reasons. I could be myself because I wasn't around anyone but my son. Now I'm married around him, his family, many people all the time. I feel horrible so much all the time now. And. Before I was so positive, happy, I finally felt good enough. Your videos and clips help a lot
I feel like I *act* how I imagine a human person should be, but never feel, genuinely, like a real human person. It's totally exhausting. I think I'm the true *me* when I'm alone, so I tend to keep myself to myself to feel free of the acting and *be* the genuine me. I actively choose not to have friends (or a partner) as it'd be *SO* overwhelming for me, and unfair for the other people. I'm fortunate that I never feel lonely (or alone) and don't feel the need for the company of others. I think it'd be interesting to *be* neurotypical to experience a different perspective, but I'm ok with who I am mostly.
Still struggling w accepting diagnosis …… relate 💞💙👊👊
When I met my first boyfriend, he was also autistic and for the first time I felt like I didn't have to mask who I was. We broke up 3 years ago now and it's hard to think if I'll ever find anyone who will truly care about me. Plus trying to fit in and socialise is difficult in itself. Even around other family members I mask and at the end of the day I'm so exhausted. But it scares me if I will ever meet someone who will understand me, even just to be friends with people is hard enough. I was only diagnosed at 14 and I've seen a lot of things about myself I didn't really know about. This world isn't built for neurodivergents but that doesn't mean we can't try and enjoy life. I enjoy being alone most of the time but I'll do my best to go out or join family gatherings when I can. I hope this made sense. Sometimes it's difficult to explain what I'm saying and I often write too much trying to explain myself. I hope someone sees this and understands this mess of a comment lol 😅
I understand and your comment it makes sense. I hope you keep being your self and you find happiness.
Growing up for me was rather horrible. Once I made it to being a young teen I was given the following advice by one of my caregivers regarding anyone I really liked and wanted to stay in my life:
“Just don’t be yourself.”
That was maybe 30yrs ago.
I have overcome countless traumas and fears, nearly had my life taken more than once, and more was taken more than once, and have striven daily and continue to strive to become the person I wish I’d had throughout my life and potentially be that someone, or a someone, for someone else, today.
I am still learning about myself, still growing into ‘that person’, still finding fears to overcome and trauma reactions to face.
Still searching for strength and solace. For feckin peace if not acceptance. Being understood, even small acts, remains too much of an ask as being known by anyone is beyond unreasonable. I am only sought out and/or enjoyed when providing a service, or being a useful AI in other words.
Yet, despite the massive positive changes and advancements I’ve made in my thought processes and my beliefs/perspectives, and hence my actions/reactions, and despite learning of my ausomeness, PTSD, and C-PTSD within the last few years and so learning the vocab etc. (for starters), it’s changed next to nothing for me re work, re my parenting, re my family or friends, my primary (or any other) doctor, nothing.
NONE have asked me a SINGLE question about autism otheryhm (except one wanting to know which meds I took for it 🤦🏾♀️).
So this sole piece of “guiding advice” from almost 30yrs ago,“Just don’t be yourself,”
still rings true.
Very true.
Lucky for me, my husband is also autistic so he understands what I've been through. I'm so lucky to have found him.
"All the world's a stage...."
I feel this, made me tear up
I really appreciate you and your content! Really helps me to understand what my husband goes through every single day! So thank you 😊
40 years old and I don't know who I am
I bearly unmasking at 40. Stay strong.
i am autistic and my autistic ex boyfriend would expect me to mask around him and would get mad at me for showing autistic traits. it was a very toxic breakup
#TRUTH !!! 💯💯💯
💯
Yes.
I’ll mask even when I’m alone it makes me so sad I don’t want to have to get drunk to be my true self 😔
Makes me wonder how people coped centuries ago, when hospitals and health care didn't exist. It's amazing civilisation made it this far.
Centuries ago, they were far more barbaric in so many parts of the world. Exile, beatings, stonings, burnings, being locked away & the key literally thrown away in the more polite societies. We don't really want to go there. 🤫😉🤦
Yes.. it was painful to do. I did it for 23 years..
"mask harder" was the harshest thing ive ever heard.
I got so deeply shrouded in adaptations, accommodations, and compromises of my inmost moral compass, that it recently reached a saturation point and became utterly unsustainable. My masks were so suffocating, so unwieldy and cumbersome, that I just defaulted to withdrawing completely... but several years into this isolation, its become unbearably lonesome. I'm in process of breaking out of this cocoon, and figuring out how to reconcile a more authentic Me with a world that I worry still has no patience for my weirdness, and no tolerance for my social missteps.
Yeah.
Diagnosed a year ago with adhd. Definitely think I have autistic trates. Therapist thinks I have ocd . I am burnt out at the age of 56. I've masked I think so soo much, that all I want to do is avoid people and just be on my own. And I've always been a people person. Now.. now am just sick of walking on egg shells and scared of saying something I shouldn't.
Neurotypicals mask too, everyone does. You have to mask your envy, disgust, irritation.
It’s an awful truth.
Yes thats what all humans do dear.
Truth… ☹️
And then you unmask 16 years into a marriage and just have to have faith that your partner loves you enough to love the unmasked you enough to stick around. Hell, you gotta have faith that you love the unmasked you enough. It’s all very stressful but necessary.
00:03 No, that's not the case.
Yup dounds like life...sadly.
Yup, sounds like my life....sadly
Wait, I have a partner???
🙌😂🤣
This is true for other neurotypical folks as well. ❤️🩹
So I'm mid-fifties. My parent is early 80's. I think we're BOTH undiagnosed autistics. Recently, my parent moved next door to a significant other - who is a narcissist, who has hated the good relationship parent and I had, and worked to destroy it all these years without success - until now. Now in mid 80s, & in the last 5 years, parent has had smoke inhalation/ poisoning from an apartment building fire that burned for 2 hours before rescue. There's also since been a fall requiring requiring cranial staples. 🫣
I think parent has been masking all these years part time, but now masks almost constantly of every day
- and what you said about getting lost?
I feel I'm losing my parent who is absorbing & becoming the narcissist next door. How do I reach my parent?
You may not be able to. Once reaching a certain mental age (different for each individual) getting to a point of no longer masking any health issues may not longer be necessary. It does sound like her behavior will change to those around her the most are influencing her. My sister came back into the family the same day Momma was buried. She couldn't wait to start stealing, conning & lying her way into as much money as she could squeeze/con out of Daddy. She's horrible & loves no one. She's a nosey, bullying con artist. I think she has finally realized she can't get her con jobs over on me now. I told her she can't do anything to me in any of her forms of thinking she's going to punish me for not caving to her demands. An attorney called her an "Opportunistic 'B'itch". Woah horsey...did you just really say that? 😂🤣
I'm getting older & was physically forced into retirement. I've lost my parents, their parents, many aunts, uncles, a few cousins & my son getting worse in his Asperger's, diet, the people that influence him.....I just don't mask anymore.
I'm depressed, traumatized, anxious & exhausted carrying a very heavy load on my shoulders to chronic complainers. I feel at least 10 years older than what I really am, physically, mentally & emotionally. I've given up, love rough & for the most part don't care what ideas people create about me in their heads or lies they speak to cause & inflict as much harm to me as they possibly can.
With this long road in life being closer to the end, I'm mostly shut down now.
Getting closer to the end of your life & it's hardness, can change a person a lot. Things I used to care about don't enter my mind anymore just like the feelings of happiness, good excitement & love.
I hope "1" thing makes sense to you from this to help you understand what your mom is going through just a little. I am so sorry she's being too influenced by someone that probably doesn't really care about her. (But you can't tell her that.) Too many bad actors influenced my father & his destruction he rendered to me & my mother ( including my con artist, money grubbing, thieving, lying sister). (She can't con her way into Heaven & that's her choice.)🤦 🙏