@SHIVAMKumar-ni5nh I appreciate these kind words. I read them right away, despite my lack of response. I was just thinking that, nearly a week later, I do have a sliver of hope that I too will make it. The pain has subsided, even if just slightly. Thanks again
This is the single most helpful video that I’ve encountered during my bpd breakup. Thank you for breaking it down. She was the best and the worst. And it’s been very difficult to resolve emotionally. This helped massively.
Mine was the best for 8 years, and then suddenly the most painful breakup ever, and a sudden and complete personality change the moment she started mirroring a new person she'd known for 5 minutes. Absolute hell, and I'm still in it...although a bit more used to it. Yesterday she's outside my door calling, with a silly excuse to come in and act like she's missing me, and I stupidly, weakly made plans to see her tomorrow. And now I'm sitting alone a Friday night knowing she's with her new 'favorite person', while I'm alone thinking about her. The anger I feel at myself, because I know at this point that she's sick. And that if I see her regularly again - or ever - it's going to leave me in a lot of pain.
@@JohnMoran Just so you know: you're worth it, and you lack nothing. You are worth everything and that means you're worth more than debasing yourself. You already have everything you need. Accept yourself, acknowledge your flaws, and do what life does - change. Be You. I trust in You, so you should trust yourself. Why do I trust in you? Because you are willing to put your thoughts out there and have that vulnerability acknowledged. You're a lot stronger than you realise. PS: yup, me too - 8 days off 3 year wedding anniversary. Weirdly, I feel great. You are worth more than debasing the person that is... You. Accept that.
I realize that the person I fell in love with never was real. I fell in love with the person they were when they were idealizing me. I didn't see it for what it was because it seemed like unconditional love and who doesn't want that. Its been almost a year and my resentment for him is finally fading but I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself for going back to him as many times as I did.
This is exactly what I experienced as well. I know how hard it can be to forgive ourselves for going back to them. I met this wonderful girl (I didn't know she had BDP) last year around this time and she showered me so much attention and affection. I thought we had become nearly best friends and we literally talked multiple times every single day for months. At first, it was like a dream. This person was the most loving and invested person I had ever met and they were so consistent in their cars for me...but then one day, it hit me suddenly after so many red flags (which I foolishly ignored) that the person and friend I had deeply loved wasn't real. It was just the version of them that idealized me and once it wore off, they ended up becoming the worst and coldest person I've ever known. They broke my trust in every way and they truly did break my heart. I still wish that I had never met them.
@@jameswallen4521 Your comment reminded me of a conversation we once had once. He told me that I showed him his reflection and that it made him angry to look at it. At the time I thought he needed reassuring, so I told him all the reasons he was great and shouldn't hate himself. Retrospectivly I think he was just being candid.
It should be mandatory to inform the other person that you have BPD before getting into a relationship.. I know they're suffering and have no control but they just leave a trail of destruction left right and centre throughout their lives.. That's a lot of broken hearts and somebody needs to take responsibility for that
You nailed it. I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who has BPD and it has left me emotionally and mentally exhausted. This video has also allowed me to understand that I have issues, which explains why I failed to set boundaries and why I tolerated this behavior.
Ashley, you have said it all. Give yourself time to live and grow! It’s a great message. One can go back to this presentation as a refresh from time to time an stay steady on the right course.
Same for me. When I finally knew that my ex cheated on me when she was in her "hate period" I could accept the end of our relationship much more easily. I always had my doubts, but obviously she was too good at lying and manipulating me. I literally felt like I was going to become crazy till I found out the truth.
Best video on bpd relationships/breakups. Thank you. You hit every nail square in the head. I love how you were so brutally honest about taking responsibly for being in a relationship that wasn't ever healthy from the start and how that is because of my own shit that i haven't dealt with. I saw the red flags. I just ignored them cuz the connection and feelings of euphoria we're so strong when things were great. A relationship like that is a strong drug that no one talks about that way. I knew it wasn't right. He knew it wasn't right but we couldn't stop.
Broke up with my gf half a year ago. She was diagnosed with BPD (which she kind of dismissed). For some reason i thought i could "save" her from it, because underneath the diagnosis she was still an amazing and lovable person. Guess i couldn't. The break up was sudden, and seemingly, at least to me, out of nowhere. She talked about how she's going to fuck up eventually, that she's breaking up with me for my own good. I didn't understand any of it, but respected her decision. She is her own person, and it would be unfair of me to try to control her life.And only recently while researching various mental disorders I've actually started to try to understand what BPD actually is. I was surprised by many of the topics about relationships with BPD's. It seemed like every one of them was described an unstable and abusive relationship, which wasn't my experience at all. Frequent mood swings, risk taking behaviour, previous trauma sure, but never the attachment issues. Maybe there were glimmers of it, but i chalked it up to her mood swings. If anyone with BPD happens to read this, I know you're all different, you're human beings after all. She was nothing but good to me, and all her hate and destruction was unfortunately always directed towards her. My heart breaks for every one of you out there, and I wish we all could've lived in a different time, where healing a person with such a diagnosis would be effortless.
Hey I would like to ask how long it took to recover following the breakup? Currently getting through a very similar situation when my girlfriend of 1 year dumped me out of nowhere and moved on within days. Does the pain go away?
@@graysonwing2946 the pain will subside when you've had enough of it and decide to stop wasting your life/energy on depression, unless you like wallowing in self pity. once you realize there's a whole world out there, you just didn't see it because you gave all your attention to her, your perspective will broaden and you'll start focusing on growth. no matter how small and slow it might be. the more you focus on anything that's better for you (only you know what's good for you), the less energy you'll give away to anything that's in the past. take care of your health. learn to build your wealth, and when you're in peace with yourself, the one that's your equal will magically appear. it'll definitely take a year to establish new patterns but you can do it. I'm 43, lost everything and going through it myself...
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
The message……. the focus on you not the other. that’s where there can be a difference. You can make your life more wonderful not to be inner directed from the other. that is the outside other
100% You HAVE TO focus on yourself. Not others. YOURSELF. Once you heal yourself and learn how to actually take care of your own needs, so many of the issues you experienced before almost go away. Relationships are never, ever one person's fault if they fail. It takes 2. Its a dynamic, changing thing. Not a static thing.
I just went through this with my ex, she was one of the worst people I've ever met and it came from me not loving myself and not thinking I deserved someone better. Don't let it drag for years! Trust your gut and establish your boundaries and work on yourself!
I have to say, I just broke up with my boyfriend with BPD. We were together for almost two years, the ups and downs were incredible. Bad parts were really bad and the good parts really good. It is so hard to forget the good parts but I know I have to stay out of the cycle. Thank you for this video, feeling way more empowered now.
My girlfriend with BPD just broke up with me saying I was toxic for her, and boring, our relationship had extreme ups and down and like you said when it was good it was really good and it's those memories that make it so hard for me, she saw me so differently from who I was, she saw me as manipulative because I expressed my feelings for her trying to regain her attraction which is ubsurd. Man I tried so hard. I put up with so much that I shouldn't have and none of it mattered in the end, all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. I thought it would get better and in some instances it did and now it seems someone will fill my shoes without doing any of the work I did. I just wish the way saw me wasn't so warped, she hates me now and her hate is extremely miss placed and misunderstood.
As stated in this video, if you ever decide to tell a person that seems to have all the symptoms of BPD that you think they may have the condition, even if said out of love, be prepared that they may never speak to you again. I was honestly trying to help my girlfriend who was clearly suffering, I never heard from her again. I don't regret it, as the relationship was destroying me, even though I loved her. There was a void there that took many months to start healing. I also agree that the most valuable thing you can work on is your boundaries, so if you see the red flags in a new relationship, you know when to walk away and never look back.
My Ex. Didn't take it well, when I told him, I believe he had BPd, that was destroying our relationship. He rained down insults on me so badly, that I had to blocked him, for my own mental health...I missed him a lot, but couldn't do the roller coaster relationship anymore. You can't help someone, who wouldn't admit, that there's a problem..
Yeah she said to me “I don’t like that you try to diagnose me. My therapist said I don’t have it.” Her therapist only saw her 5 times and she didn’t seem very knowledgeable.
I ignored all the red flags. Chalked it up to cultural behavior and language barrier. The reality hit me on our 1 year anniversary, and if it wasn't for my cousin introducing me to your channel, I'd make that mistake and go back. The break up was a couple of weeks ago and I knew something wasn't right when I immediately felt a weight lifted off of me. It's time to heal. Thank you for the great content.
Couldn't have said it better. Despite everything else you'd feel it's easy to relate to feeling a huge weight being lifted off of you and that's the great part. The other giveaway is if you alternate between good and bad recollections frequently because they were probably all mixed in together in intense cycles that never got resolved or effectively addressed one-at-a-time.
Ashely, and all the commentors sharing your story, you are the hug and the understanding i need. Hearing everyones words has been overwhelming but also 98 percent relatable. I thought i understood BPD, but, i didnt. I will keep coming here when it hurts. Im in day 1 no contact. Again. But this time, everyone knows everything, and ive said outloud ive lost myself and boudaries and need my own help, Partner Betrayl Trama is one hell of a thing. Anywho. wish me luck ❤
I learned that I am codependent. I need to work on myself. I thought I was the good guy the whole time because I was trying my best. But, now I realize that I am seeking validation in trying to be viewed as the 'good guy'. Thank you. I'm 35 and I have been wondering what the point of trying was, but I see I've been trying to fill a void within myself.
@@NKRAIEM 1.5 years later and my marriage has improved considerably. She was right, it was me causing the stress in the marriage. That realization turned everything around, honestly. I learned that I have a tendency to blame my wife for issues because she is Bipolar. But that's like blaming everyone except yourself for conflicts when you are ALSO a common denominator in these situations. My wife has BPD, but that does not make me infallible.
Dr. Daniel Fox is excellent. He's here on TH-cam. Though, I'm still "a walking red flag". It's a long fucked up tangle of emotional unbinding. Best of luck! 🚩🚩🚩 ❤❤❤
after 2 weeks of the silent treatment and not seeing her for a month i finally went no contact and i set up a counseling appt for next week to start working on myself and figure out my assets and my defects . i love all your comments as well as Ashley's tutorial
Unless both sides are willing to work on themselves, nothing will change. And this may be tough for some of you to hear, but it’s not just the bpd person who is toxic. We as the codependents or narcs are also toxic too, and we played a part in the toxic dance. Yes, codependency is toxic
@@crashtestdummie67 i guess staying in a place where you are constantly bombarded with negativity and things that affect you emotionally/psichologically is also toxic. We tend to think of toxic people as abusers but like she said it takes two to tango.
Thank you, this was wonderful. Married to a Borderline for 14 years, now free and doing great. I was a shell and now feel whole. I would like to say to everyone that has to go through this, it will get better, you will heal, you are lovable and good.
I’ve been married for 9 years and I believe my husband has BPD. He refuses to go to counseling, and said he would rather I walk out of his life, get divorced than he go to counseling. I’m meeting with an attorney next week. I’m broken, I’m hurt that someone who claims to love and adore me refuses to do everything possible to save the marriage. I just can’t do it anymore. The paranoia, the anger, the hatred and silent treatments have just broken me. I left to go be with family and he hasn’t responded to my calls, or texts in a month.
@@Louiefromnextdoor hi. I’m better. It’s been 9 months since I left. He’s been a no show at court ordered mediation 2 times , won’t allow me in the house to get anything (I have my clothes and toiletries) and he has my 2 cats that he says will be discussed in mediation Now my father is dying and I still have to deal with this for another 4 months.
@@ashleymcnultyrealtor1746 you re such a strong woman. Hang in there! I hope you have friends that can support you. I ve learned that in difficult times its always been my friends that lifted me up. My hell would be 10 times harder without them. Im sorry to hear about your dads situation. I hope you ll find the strengh to go through it all. Good luck to you!
I know it’s not easy but make your self move on... “THEY HAVE” even tho they lie and lie about it, you know what they are doing and that is the pain, however; in a way you let the pain in, ignor all they say and move forward, it is an illness and if they can not be honest with you , they are not honest with anyone especially themselves, think how lonely that is and they will continue the same cycle over and over again, you WON”T!. Take care of you first.
I had a relationship with a BPD she showed me an enormous amount of attention. I had never had 10 percent of what she showed me. it is wonderful... addictive ! i learned about her former marriage and heard all of the stories of how bad her ex was.. and other friendships that she just cutoff. in the back of my mind was wondering when it was my turn it happened after a 16 year relationship...great advice !
Update..it's been almost 11 months when she left. I have had counseling and listened to AB . I still miss the good times but can't live with the borderline amnesia. .constant barge of belittling ,gaslighting etc. I am much better but not totally over the relationship yet. Thanks Ash..
Holy hell can I relate to this. My BPD wife (soon to be ex) showered me with so much love and affection at first that I just thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world. No one had ever loved me like that, not even close. She dumped her husband the day she first met me, saying that he was cold and indifferent to her. Wow I should have seen the red flag right there but the love was just so enthralling. Over time she started getting colder and colder, until just about the 20 year mark she suddenly decided I was the worst person to ever walk the planet. The divorce is almost finalized and she is long gone from the house but I had to block her everywhere because the she talks to me now with such burning hatred it is soul crushing. And yet- I still miss her. Crazy.
It’s mind boggling how much of a hold on you they have. Without TH-cam we’d all be stuck in the same hole. Thanks to Ash , Sam Vaknin, AJ Mahari and Melanie Amadine we can finally have our intuitions confirmed and move forward towards normality. It leaves such a painful void that need so much inner work to fill. The latest Sam vaknin video is on trusting intuitions, it’s incredible . I’ve watch so many channels on NPD’s and narrowed it down to those 4 channels for help getting over my bpd ex.
Kevin Hamilton I completely relate to your experience… It certainly is crazy…. I too miss my bpd partner even through the torrent of verbal abuse I’m getting served right now…. I’m working hard at “cutting the cord”…… 😔
Thank you for reaching out Ann. Taking everyday step by step, being better than we were yesterday helps us to create real personal work and real lasting change, I use this in my own life every single day.
Yes, deal with your codependence and narcissism so your ex can feel okay too. Good for you. She or he may be able to teach you a little about that. Good luck.
Your advice is so wise - thank you for this educational video! I have just broken away from my BPD partner and I am mourning his loss in my life… He gave me the attention I craved all my life and I was addicted to it, as toxic the attention was. “It takes two to tango” is absolutely bang on accurate! I did see the red flags and didn’t act on it because I AM co dependant and I can’t stand that about myself… but I will not give up fixing myself!
"Until death sets us apart" kind of gets its full meaning when you deal with someone who has BPD. I wonder why this things are not thought in school? After all we spend our lives with people, shouldn't we be learning abut ourselves and others more than math and shit? I had no idea this exists until it was too late.
I was in a relationship and was engaged to a bpd female for just shy of six years. (We got engaged after two years) it's been four years now and I still think about her constantly. Its gotten easier with time but that's about it, not "better" just easier. What I struggle most with is the anger, I know its pointless and pigheaded of me but I still hold so much rage about the whole situation. How she treated me, the things she did and said, the things I did and said. Everything.
I just hope you're not letting that anger out on the next person. I seem to run into those people who think they can make me the scape goat for their previous partners shortcomings...people need to heal first. Ain't nobody got time to be a rebound or a scapegoat.
Those with BPD are the best fitness trainers around. Upon finding that they have it, whether you are young or old, super-fit or really fat, RUN A MILE. Do NOT go back to them. Then run another mile. You will also be better mentally as well as physically after this. BPD is the sound of a starting pistol. Go!
@@Dexteritas55 yeah... it’s really tiresome. I just can’t find the same closeness with anyone else. Feel like I’m 20% myself with other but with her it was unfiltered. Of course that meant everything else was too and she could use it against me (and would when she wanted to keep me close)
@@RMSYTV I understand. I don't get how they don't feel so close. I used to say we were connected. I think the best thing to do is not look for a relationship. Talk to God more and work on developing my intellectual prowess to that of Jordan Peterson. How have you been moving forward?
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges I watched your video 4 times. Every time I feel sad and miss the ex, I watch this video to remind myself that more work needs to be done on myself before I can start dating again. Thank you, Ashley, for helping me go through difficult times.
Thank you very much. This is truly helpful and powerful. I agree with everything you've said. I'm seeing a life coach and I'm on my way towards healing and healing right... God bless you
One last suggestion. Go “No Contact” if you don’t have children. If there is any remaining business (getting possessions back, for example), do it by snail mail and use a moving service so you don’t have to meet face-to-face. That is best for you and the BPD. Keep it all business once you break up. She meant so much to me, it’s sad to loose the good parts of the relationship. But stringing it out only extends the pain and slows the healing.
I have been confident and smart all my life.I began 2 years relationship with a person,who i thought was the ONE .now after two years i am broken ,i ma totally smashed and down to earthon my knees.i feel ugly worthless and a garbagge.The person i was with i am sure now has BPD .We were going to get married,than not,than again yes than not,i was guilty for everything,but of course i was not,only in his head.it is such a long story that only to think about it makes me sick to my stomack.He blames the world for everything ,ne is the good guy.he plays with my feelings ,says i love you,the next day we are over.I am happy that he broke up with me.This is the best thing he did for me for the 2 years relationship,because he saved me this way form hiss crazyness and now i try to heal and get back to my previous self.i lost everything and kinda start from the beggining now.very good lesson and i truly begin to love myself first.Run from these people ,RUN as fast as you can,never give them chances they will never change!!!!!!If they want to get better and to therapyst then give them a chance ,but the people who refuse to get better just leave them and go find a person who you deserve and who will love you and respect you the way you deserve!
Ashley, this video is so very helpful even for a person like myself, who struggles with BPD. I am separating from my partner of 14 years and the thing that pains me the most (by far) is the guilt I feel for knowing how I my behavior and volatility hurt my significant other. I do not want to separate but in attempting to make things somewhat right I am accepting and respecting their decision to “take a break”. I am not ready for a relationship with anybody right now and being alone terrifies me but I need to work on myself and my partner needs time to heal from my emotional instability. I will share this video with them. Thank you so much for putting it so clear, honest, and direct. And for the ones ending a relationship with someone with BPD; I am so sorry that you went through that, it must have been hard and I sincerely wish you a speedy recovery from the experience.
To take a break does not mean to end the relationship. I wanted to take a break to get my hammered mind back into somewhat normal, and to figure out how to resolve the problems (i did not know she had bpd at the time), and save the relationship. She immediately discarded me in an awful way and got together with another one. Hear this out: the last thing non-bpd people want to do is to abandon you! Pwbpd are the ones always leaving for good at an instant, and at minor or non-existent things. What you think why are we watching videos like these, and lamenting for years? Because we love you and don't want to abandon you! Just there comes a time when we must put our own sanity in front of the love we feel for you.
@@DaniTorresOfficial You can't 'take a break' with a person with BPD. That means you are on hold while they set someone else up for discard, and will be toyed with whenever that person isn't availble to them for a moment. It's not fare to you, trust me.
Ive accepted, that im a codependent person. My mother is a malignant narcissist, The woman , i fell completely in love with, made me feel like a king. For about 4 months. Then the following, 2 years, were push, pull, that was intertwined, woth a level of rage, thats usually compared to gorillas, on the discovery channel. I mean. Off the chain violence, and name calling. Gross and disgusting attacks on every level of my character. They were relentless. Constant beat downs and belittling comments. In the end. She ledt me for another man. Now i find, that im smeared as abusive, a psycho, a stalker. My reputation is ruined. Im blamed for everytning. Told that i brought it on myself. It was my fault. Everything that she did, was basically switched around on me. I camt get my head around any of it. To make it worse. I still love her. More than i could ever imagine. Amd shes so damn mean. Wishes i was dead. " i hope to read the paper and see that youve died" Why????????!!!!!!!!!!! The pain is suffocating
b k that's who they are brother, see her being out of your life as a blessing, these people will ruin your life and may even send you to prison, stay calm, now you can focus on rebuilding your life and now you know the signs to look for so we don't make the same mistakes in the future.
b k bro everything you said I completely relate to! I’ve been grieving for what seems like a lifetime! She appears to be living life and getting by. Here I sit thinking how I could have fallen for someone like her. My heart goes out to brother and if ya need someone who feels like u do... hit me up! Be blessed
Thank you for reaching out bk. We can love someone unconditionally however we must find the love within ourself. This person has brought great pain and suffering onto you and you've allowed it to continue. Are you ready to let go of the strings of attachment? In these relationships are great lessons to learn about ourself and the way we will allow others to treat us and how we will respect and love ourself. Let me know if I can help!
I can sure relate, buddy. Mine finally signed up in Tinder because any horny dude would be better than me. - jajajaja, we´ve just gotta laugh at ourselves until maybe it won´t hurt so much anymore.
This might be the most influential video i’ve seen in my life till date, she spoke clearly to me about everything i am feeling right now & told me what to do about how i am feeling , what to focus on. i’m gonna go find the book and hopefully start the journey to find myself
Thank you so much for this video. I recently came out of a relationship with someone with BPD and I wish I'd learned more about the condition sooner. This changed my entire outlook on things.
Yes same story.I saw red flags during honeymoon phase but wasn't aware about bdp.Was just thinking she had some issue about trust, self esteem, hyper sensitive ...We had such great time, i was blind really.But when devaluation phase start i met a completely opposite person, i was like ok there is definitely something wrong with her, i have to find out ! Those video were amazing to heal, otherwise i could spend years wondering whats happened.Went to no contact from now, unfriend and block her.Painful but necessary.This person never exist really, it was just a fantasy.A.J Mahari channel is very informative about bpd, highly recommended it to everyone struggling with bdp ex
@@liz21304 Devaluation phase started when she told me I turned like a stranger for her, from no apparent reason. Black and white thinking, I turned from an angel to a devil in her mind. She painted me in black and from that point the nightmare start. They can t come back to idealization phase from that point. Without no reason, it could be because I didn't reply to her text fast enough or whatever .. Anything can trigger a bpd. Fear of abandonment is the real issue here. Then she slowly started to blame me for everything, creating dramas from nothing. Crying, screaming .. People with bdp have a endless lack of self esteem and trust. She said to me that I tried to take her down. I had to walk on eggshells all time. Everything I could do or say was bad in her mind. She started to push me away, she was very mean .. finally I left and learn about bpd behaviour which save me
@@TheMrQuino I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. Recently I went through a similar situation where the person with BPD that I was close with fought with everyone around me in my life and said they were starting drama with them. I believe now their black and white thinking is the reason they told me that people who say certain keywords to them are banished from their life forever. At first I thought it was related to other issues in their life and past but not anymore. Did you experience any sense of fake superiority for show or defense mechanisms or grandiose gifts after arguments ended (if they ever ended)?
@@liz21304 Don t feel sorry, everything happen for a reason. Life had something to teach me and I m grateful I ve survived through this nightmare and was strong enough to leave ! Good lesson : Pay attention to red flags ! Always listen da inner voice. Then I didn't experience things you describe at the end of your message but what you describe relate more to narcissistic pervert to me
It’s been three years since my break up with a borderline. My biggest thing is the guilt. I feel like I should have known better or handled things differently. I can’t get past the guilt
You have to let that one go. I thought I was a pretty solid person: successful, had been to therapy after my brother died, had my s* together, meditated, the whole thing. I got sucked in hard and fast. She treated me like a King, lavished praise on how great and smart and wise I was. All the stuff the (still) needy side of myself craved. OK, my mistake for at first ignoring the red flags and not setting firm boundaries early. If my BPD was the way she eventually became first day, I would have run and not looked back. It creeps in slowly. By the time you realize it, you're invested. You love them. You have great empathy for them. You see the potential, the brilliance, the good side. You think you can help them. These are not bad instincts when applied to normal, loving relationships. But they are weaknesses exploited by the unaware and untreated BPD. So, quite blaming yourself. This could and often does happen to very good and smart people with good intentions. So, don't beat yourself up. Consider it a very painful and expensive learning experience. If you get everything positive out of it you can, at least you will have that. It's a big price to pay for a life lesson. Just be glad you woke up or got fed up enough to get out when you did.
@debra groovy it's not your fault you were deceived by something that was designed to deceive you if you have never seen it before. Imagine a beautiful wedding cake with white icing. You cut the cake and you see the golden layers of cake. It looks good. Now you taste it and that white stuff was lard and the golden layers were cornbread. Not your fault!
He probably feels guilty too after being in a relationship with a narc. If you don't like the label... try to conjure up enough intelligence to realize how you talk. The reality is that you are a codependent or a narc. So understand that he has just as much right to talk about you as his last relationship with a narc or a co.
That's exactly what I am going through after three years with one. Guilt and shame... That I kept taking him back once I'd found out what a selfish compulsive liar he really was in hope I'd get the person back I "believed" he was the first year. I have to keep reminding myself that was just an act because of his infatuation and dependency on me. Two weeks after our final big split, my friend saw him laughing and joking on a, date... Bearing in mind two days before he called me drunk saying he loves me, trying to seek validation clearly and then switched the next day and said he can't see me to get my son off me like he said he would... Too much emotional turmoil he said. He's now shut my son totally out of his life as well as me, but on a date. This shows what a, selfish horrible person he truly is and I hate myself for missing him and constantly worrying he's whisked this one off her feet as well, she's thinking she's, struck gold and found, her soul mate like I did... And what if this one ends well and it was me didn't handle him right. Rational mind and heart just go all out of sync and, harmony with these people. Worst experience of my life. I was happy, independent for 8 years before I met him
"Anger and resentment cannot be compartmentalized. It permeates everything." This has probably been the most important realizations of my recent life. I love the way that you phrased it in the video. This doesn't just apply to your romantic relationships. I think this is something that everyone should try to practice just being out in the world interacting with people on a daily basis. Understand that everyone has their flaws and people who act like "assholes" are hurting inside. Accept everyone as they are and focus on your own issues and get a healthy mindset for yourself. Be an example for the rest of the world.
I just found you here on TH-cam. I love your content & how you put a lot of emphasis on yourself, as well as the other person. You have to figure YOU out in order to truly learn. Bingo!
So glad you found me here! Figuring ourselves out is the most important aspect of life. The work we do on ourselves is why we are here! Unfortunately, I'm not sure if many people realize that major truth. Hope you are doing well! Let me know of any subject matter you'd like me to discuss.
I have diagnosed bpd and 90% of my boyfriends have been narcissists. I have never ended a relationship and more often than not I feel I’m the one that ends up feeling deeply hurt when the other person doesn’t care at all. We are both damaged but these two types often pair up.
Where they narcissists though? 🤔 Maybe people just got fed up and said f*ck it like I did. That fear of abandonment kept you from leaving and BPD episodes causes you to blame and accuse. My ex did the same. I broke it off but at the same time I still wish her the best. It truly isn't her fault, it's just the hand she is dealt. But at the same time I am not responsible to save her, or can I. She must do that herself. What is staying going to do but just keep the cycle going? It's insanity.
I had narcissists and sociopaths, getting strangled had one with slept with friends and enjoyed and smiled at my sadness, my fiancee is loving and so kind he is not a narc but is on the spectrum, it took me 36 years for someone to truly love me
This is exactly what I needed to see. Thank you. I spent a year with a pwbpd. I was going through something traumatic at the time and it felt like she was my shining light through the darkness. I was 100% love bombed and made to feel safe and then slowly gaslit and mentally abused. I feel like I'm the person with BPD from this relationship experience. I know watching this, I too was to blame for how toxic the relationship became in the end. I couldn't stand to be around her when she started picking fights. I'm by no means perfect. I tried to make boundaries during the relationship. She cut me off from my support network and I tried to leave multiple times but she was able to reel me back in with love bombing. I feel at rock bottom right now. But this is a lesson to me. I'm sad because I loved her but now I'm free. There's hope again.
Bro about that love bomb... should i not get back after i decide to cut it off....She is trying to reel me with that love bombing..... Suggest me please i feel I'm terrible person who is leaving a loving girl.
@@rdjironman1373 That's the guilt trip they put you on. And they will blame you for that big time. You will feel when you are ready to leave, bc you can't bear no more. It is fn hard, but be strong and don't blame yourself.
Thank you so much for your videos, Ashley. I’m approaching 7 months out of a relationship with my ex that I suspect has BPD, or at least traits of. It still can be very tough some days, the early stages of the relationship were incredible and sometimes my heart and head wants to get back there to where we once were. One of the biggest eye openers to me was uncovering my codependency issues, it all makes so much sense now. It’s sad for anyone who goes through these kinds of relationships, whether you have BPD or are Codependent. There are no winners, just a great deal of heartache for both involved, but as I’m learning all the time, that heartache is a golden place to sit to try to work out, and work on yourself. Thank goodness for these videos from good people like yourself and other professionals that take the time to do them. They’ve helped me on my journey soooooooo much and I’m sure will continue to, so again, a massive thank you. ❤x
I take exception to the comment that if I was okay I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a person with BPD. When I met this charming, witty, interesting person I did not know what BPD was. Once I started seeing signs that things were not what they should be, I was invested in the relationship and tried very hard to make it work, based on the initial phase of the relationship.
I understand exactly. I in no way placing judgment in this video, just identifying a few codependent aspects that also kept us trying to save the relationship well after many negative/painful downturns. It is a very challenging break up to get over. Hope you are moving through it!
Bpd is a disease like cancer and this video is just stereotyping every one that has it as a mad person. People with bpd don’t want to have this condition they want to have a normal loving relationship and if that person with bpd also makes you happy and feel loved then forgive their mistakes and give them the chance to prove themselves because they didn’t choose this illness
Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! I have shifted through a ton of BPD videos and was lucky enough to find this one. Just yacht up with my girlfriend who I later learned had BPD. I can’t express how super helpful this video was for me and I’m now looking for a therapist that specializes in this. Thank you so much for being there!
This is painful to hear as a person with BPD. We're feeling already insecure, most of us are alone with no friends. So don't tell we've got a lot of friends. I'm 58 years old. About a year ago they told me I've got BPD. Since I'm following therapy. I remember at 25 year I was screaming ... Is there somebody who can help me. PLEASE! ... so don't tell we don't wanna be helped to change. 99% of the time we are feeling bad, hurt, alone, no body who cares! And then you are here to confirm we are to be avoid caus we're bad. What do you want? Lock up or kill all borderliners? That we are the worst people on earth. We know... we're feeling us like that our whole live! You just don't know what BPD is!!
@@veroniquescholart5469 I felt this!!! I don’t really agree with what she’s saying. She is definitely making it seem like people with bpd are to be avoided
My ex told me she was borderline, and she was afraid of relationships. I was in a good place in life, I finally found love for myself. My ego got in the way thinking I can do this, I can be understanding, I believed she deserved someone. As soon as they know one weakness, they exploit it, and exploit it hard. I learned you CAN NOT fix someone unless they want to be fixed, and borderlines do not want to be fixed, they believe everything else is the problem. after the relationship she said "I feel like its my problems, this always happens to me" but she still blamed me.
All borderline ever want in their entire life ... . Is to be normal/fixed I just want the chatter in my head to stop driving me to want to hurt the people that I love and if I had managed to hold back..it would be thoug acting out my feelings in substance abuse or self harm. On a good note I'm starting my DBT tomorrow!!!!! 🤗
@@selenakam1 Congratulations! It's amazing. I don't have BPD but was with someone with BPD and now see a DBT therapist and it has started to really help. Be open to the help, from not only your therapist but from yourself
She needs a reason to want to change. For a long time I didnt see how bpd made me toxic. I didnt want to take responsability for my actions because when i did something hurtful, i truly never intended to hurt them. It was really confusing why i did certain things. Many people will just say, thats who i am. But its not the best you. The moment i realized what i had was bpd was amazing, i could seek specific help and guides. But it took me months to really say, yes this IS a change I want, that im not changing who i am but becoming who i am and getting rid of the bad habits. Those things are super hard for anyone. It starts with such small little things you dont notice when it escalates. And now to change I have to be aware of every second
Thank you for making this video! I broke up with my girlfriend with bpd during Christmas. I still consider it one of the hardest choices I ever had to make. Mostly because I was afraid of she would do to herself (she cut herself a lot and tried to kill herself twice during our relationship ) After 7 months I am still in a very active recovery process because this event had left me way more broken than I thought it would be. After talking about it a lot, starting doing activities again... I decided recently to travel solo for the first time to as yet another step in trying to find myself again. It’s hard... but I know I’ll get there. Watching this video makes me aware that I’m not the only one who has experienced this and that my pain is not exaggerated!
Check A.J Mahari's channel, it help me a lot to heal and understand.Yes, its super hard.Just broke up and went no contact, bloke her and unfriend.I still love her somehow but you can't rescue them so better love yourself and think about your future.For sure traveling solo is a great decision, trust me you won't regret it, you will find yourself and meet lots of people, it gonna change you.All the best
Is the pain mainly because you felt an identity in being her crutch and you feel like you failed in fixing her? I think maybe the only way I feel useful in a relationship, since I am psychologically healthy, is being a crutch or trying to help someone who is damaged.
I disagree. You can be the healthiest person on the planet. If you get into a relationship with a borderline or other cluster b disordered person, without knowing anything about these disorders, you are bound for going through hell. Having you're own issues might worsen it, but is not a requirement for the disaster.
Sure, nothing is black and white (like a borderline's thinking), but I feel Ashley is pretty spot on. A healthy minded individual who practices self love will generally not accept anything less from others and be gone the moment red flags are flying high, regardless of whether they can put a label on it or not. I've known about borderlines for a long time and consistently find myself in relationships with them regardless of my knowledge. It mostly boils down to what Ashley said in terms of breaking the cycle by practicing self love and having boundaries to keep out anyone who doesn't provide us with the same respect.
@@jensennathan 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' It's not a question of self love or being naiv, if you're giving someone the benefit of the doubt when you fell in love with them and know nothing about personality disorders. These people can be great con artists.
Agreed. I myself was very naive and raised up by one of them. I never taught self love but I heard about healthy and confident people who got destroyed too. BPDs/cluster Bs are the ones who bring the chaos into your life. Even I as a person without self love with a very low self esteem and CPTSD because of childhood, I never liked chaos and always tried to avoid fights and confrontations. But these people bring their negative energy and play with your head/mind until you react and explode out of anger. Then it's you because "you got angry". Very bad people. I have no sympathy for them and I dont care about their abusive pasts (if they even had any, many lie about it too). I had a very abusive past myself and I always tried to avoid hurting and playing with people's heads. I dont care what they have been through... go treat yourself if you're a BPD than maybe you still have a chance to change. NPD / SOCIOPATHS it's a wast of time even talking about them.
I got into a long-distance relationship with my remote cousin that initially didn't raise any red flags. Only after I had invested into it and moved in with her it started showing and it was three months of pure hell before I got out. I cannot blame myself for dismissing red flags but I blame her for not disclosing her mental condition because she knew about it. Actually, for hiding it until I was invested. That is totally selfish and understandably I feel being used. Imagine if the CEO of a publicly traded company did not disclose vital information that the business is sinking and sold his stock. Next thing he would be in jail after SEC started digging. Having your partner step into this is the same as not telling him she has AIDS and then blaming him for "stigmatizing" her.
I just recently broke up with someone with borderline personality disorder she's already been diagnosed but things were so not right with her logic and thinking it just frustrated me and we had on and off relationship for a little over a year now I just want to say thank you
Is easier to forgive someone with BPD if you're aware of the sadistic treatment they received by their parents as children. The hideous stories of being constantly belittled and physically beaten made my blood run very, very cold. Only last year I asked to see the house where he grew up in and, 20 years later, he still refuses to even drive to the neighborhood.
That may be true and that's sad, but it's does nothing to make their abuse okay! I think about my husband that went through trauma for about 2 years of his life and developed bpd, and how I spent 9 years in a relationship of abuse from him. At some point you have to stop feeling sorry for them more than yourself, and doing something about it! We've all been told about their pain over and over and over and over and over, but sometimes we endure more pain because of them, from them. It's not okay.
So what the ones who were abused by their parental figures when they were young but instead of avoiding them they seem to want their approval or something
As someone with bpd some of the comments kinda hurt. Not all of us are the same and a lot of us are working through therapy to cope. I suffered a lot as a child which is why I have the disorder in the first place. And I blame myself every single day for things my parents put me through. I understand a lot of people have been hurt by borderlines, but the majority of my relationships were people that were physically or emotionally abusive to me because I subconsciously believed I deserved nothing. Just be mindful. Much love.
These people have been through hell, because of the abuse people with bpd have inflicted on them. If you feel like your pain is greater than theirs and they shouldn’t have the right to say their truths then mayyyyybe you need some more work in therapy to learn some better empathy :)
Thanks , so much. I stayed in a relationship with a BPD for 42 years because I had vowed to for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Now I realise I was co- dependant. Now,at 75 , I am working on myself before it's too late.!!!
I just came across your channel. You have NO IDEA what this means to me and how much I needed to hear this right now. SO helpful. Going through a current push/pull break up RN and I needed to hear this, it put so much into perspective and your video has definitely encouraged me to do what I know must be done. Honestly there are NO WORDS but THNK YOU. 👋
But this is so sad cos (as someone with BPD) it’s like if you have this condition you’re automatically unlovable and any relationship with you would be toxic?
lisbeth salander Yeah. Immediately off the bat saying “if you date someone with bpd there must be something wrong with you” boy I wish I was aromantic but im not.
You nailed it !!! (At least in my situation). I didnt know a thing of boundries. I was a people pleaser. I thought it was selfish putting yourself first.
Ashley I have been on the road to recovery for a while but I must say this video hits it on the head. Realizing responsibility without blaming yourself is really liberating, gives me the belief that I will heal and love myself unconditionally. Thank you 🙏🙏
Brian Myers I’ve gotten over it. But, at first, I felt like killing myself to stop the pain. Helps that he’s in another state.....I won’t be sucked in again.
three weeks mark here.. I don't know why but I still check on her on social media and she said today that I was toxic and she stopped talking to her friend just bc "I didn't like her"... I got fed so many lies of how much of a bad person I was that I'm afraid I might end up believing them
I so needed this right now. My realization is at the end. Xmas eve started a three day ordeal/break up with a person with BPD among a couple other disorders and it was the most painful breakup I've ever been through right after having to one month prior cut out my toxic family (was in foster care). I was swimming in the agony/pain, deception, devastation, betrayal, lies and like she said... The resentment. I went lower and did and said desperate things I normally wouldn't have. I even ignored the rage, that resulted in him physically crossing a line 3 times, and of course, all those red flags I normally wouldn't put up with. I even worked in mental health, and then I beat myself up so bad... This video hit home. Him having BPD is irrelevant, it's me, where I was that led me to him or made me stay. Yes, the attention. During a dark time... The BPD part was baffling because I wasn't looking at me, and it can cause some strange, alarming, dangerous behaviors that emotionally healthy individuals and you would think those who worked in mental health would see right away.... But again, it's where I was. I'm going to try the 10 day challenge because I've got to break this pattern. Thank you so much, this video hit home and opened my eyes at just the right time. I finally stopped crying and writing stupid poems about what he did and how stupid I was. Time to fix why I allowed this. I can't thank you enough. 🙏🌺
This was VERY helpful to me. I really didnt see my part of why our friendship was toxic and unhealthy, but now I do. Im gonna take time to process my own stuff and see why I didnt make it healthy, and why I ignored the red flags...Thank you.💗
This is pure gold. I am intensely co-d and a very empathic person and stuck with a person who in the end physically abused me several times and then she finally brought my son into it, getting confrontational with him.... And it was still hard for me to tell her to just leave. I got hoovered, there were suicidal ideations, blame shifting, everything. It was like at the end of the Terminator movie where the dude was getting melted and switched back to all his previous identities to try and save himself. I'm definitely not perfect; and probably triggered the worst in her through my wanting to "fix" her; but in the end, that's not my job. I have to focus on me and just as importantly if not moreso, my son. I wish the best for her, I don't have a hateful bone in my body, and believe we're all God's children and it's His will for all of us...He doesn't make junk. But also, I'm not God. It's not my calling now is it my purpose to give myself to someone like that who isn't ready. God bless everyone on this post and you also for the insight and knowledge sharing. I have your book; very good stuff and it's time to keep walking this journey and learning how to love myself
Very relatable. The more love you give, the more easily you can trigger them. The first time things get abusive you have to draw a clear boundary. The second time, YOU MUST LEAVE. I wish I’d known this early on.
Thank you so much for this. I just left my bf of 2.5 years, 20 year alcoholic with untreated ptsd from combat, severe abandonment issues, and I'm fairly confident has bpd, who refused to see any of his part in our relationship demis. Lots of blame, gaslighting. The highs and lows were crazy! I know that I have codependent issues and work with a therapist. I am now seeing I have a lot of work to do on myself and discovering and protecting my boundaries. I still have love for my ex, but I know that we can only change ourselves. No contact since breakup and it's been a whirlwind of emotions. Time to learn to love myself. Thank you.
Hey Ashley. I just wanted to thank you. I am a resident psychiatrist and even though I should have known better, I too ignored the red flags for somebody I believed in. Thank you for your insightful video and good luck with your books. /Marco
Great to hear from you Marco. It's easy to overlook and ignore the red flags from someone when we care and believe in them. Looking forward to hearing from you more. That's great that you are a resident psychiatrist. Let me know how you are doing.
You have made a lot of sense. I knew there were issues with him, and his BPD, but also always questioned myself, how have I contributed to this, why am I drawn to this....actually in therapy now, and tried to bring up this subject but didn’t know how....thank you.
It is you who is the borderline, lee. Gaslighting, victim playing borderline betty. Oh yeah, the youtube police never showed up after all that reporting. I was scared to death, didnt sleep a wink..... bahahahaha . Goodnite, porky lololololo haha
I think the first breakthrough I had about my ex was knowing his parents, and imagining him going through behaviors from them that he experienced as a small child. I almost cried thinking about this little boy getting pushed around by neglectful bullies. Ever since then I've instinctually injected compassion into whatever interaction we've had. I get mad at the things he does, but I also realize that he came from TWO people who don't know how to express love in an unconditional way. At least I had my mother. He was alone.
AMEN to this! My Ex would open up and share what he went through as a child , I listened intently, now this BPD, has started to resonate with me, this is some serious sad, depressing stuff, especially when I know in my heart they loved me to the best of their ability 😢
Compassion can be very dangerous in these cases. I am on the exact same page like you guys. But I excuse very bad and hurtful behaviour because I "understand where it comes from". Who has compassion with us though, being the punching bags for their past? 😢 now the souls and bodies of two people hurt.
@@thepineapple8434 so true. I find myself bouncing from one side to the other. I am been compassionate but I'm also wondering if im not also excusing certain behaviors. Its an overwhelming dinamic
Looked up TH-cam videos for help with my symptoms cuz I was feeling vulnerable and suicidal and accidentally watched one about how people with BPD are all evil narcissists to be avoided at all costs. That obviously made me feel better... Love how everyone supports mental health until they meet someone WITH a mental illness who does or says something "bad" then they vilify us!
@Dr. M. H. Firstly, the people described in this video dont even fit the BPD criteria and are probably misdiagnosed npd or aspd... If they were even diagnosed at all! This is just vilifying a very vulnerable group a people based on missinformation. It's like saying everyone with schizophrenia is an axe murderer! It's so ignorant! Having been in treatment for many years with BPD, most borderlines I've met are the sweetest kindest most loving people on the planet. Statistically were much more likely to be abused than be the abuser. And even if we do lash out, it's because we're sick people, not bad people. Bad people think clearly about how what they're doing is bad and don't feel guilty. A borderline would be wracked with guilt and shame and constantly ruminate and wish they could take it back.
@@anthonymartinez2532 And I third it. People with BPD have hearts just the same as anyone else. And most of us are at battle with out emotions much more than those who deal with us. We're not some heartless monsters and that's a fact.
@@mezziriggs3873 I was upset originally after watching some of this video while I was looking for help for my bpd symptoms. It was like an arrow to the heart. I always put others first and care so much to a fault. Not at all the people being described here. Generalizing one group of people as all the same is so harmful. So I agree with you. I have suffered my whole life a little less stigma would help so much!
Yes! I’m super heart broken right now. I was watching videos about my condition to get a better understanding of it and keep finding people shit talking the disorder. I’m in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life I’m not being abused. Reading the comments made me nauseous.
They blame you for everythign.They cheat and say you cheat.They lie and say you lie.They know your weakneses and throw them back at you in the most awful way.They are not empathic ,they dont feel anything,they are heartless and egoistic human beings.i am totally disguasted from my ex,i dont want to hear anything about him.I feel sorry for the girls he will torture after me,because they dont know in what they will be put in after the initial love bombing.No girl deserve to go through which i did.
Yeah you're either talking about a narcissist or a malignant borderline, who usually have comorbid npd or aspd traits. Most pure borderlines, especially quiet borderlines, are not at all how you described.
@@kidacross3344 Exactly.. As a BPD I don't ever cheat on my partner. I more cause them to cheat because i accused them of cheating. If they don't answer my calls or text i start goin crazy in my mind. I have anxiety when im feeling my partner is not giving me enough attention. I find out i have bpd yesterday.
I have a best friend with bpd and saying this with no real evidence is just horrible. BPD doesn't make them bad people that's like saying someone with depression is just to sad. It's not always their fault for the break up and if you dont have the fact or just had a bad experience with someone with BPD doesnt mean you get to say that's how it always is. Get your self's together before you try to blame someone.
hmmmm - does everything have to be black and white ? i have had been in a couple of relationships with absolutely wonderful women with BPD - it is devastating for both of us - i dont know the statistic - but i am pretty sure there is a decent suicide rate among partners of BPD. one of my former ones did end her own life and i still go visit frequently - These are very painful experiences on many levels - i am trying to help myself because i have almost identical experiences Charles Davis - I am probably older than most people on here I am trying to learn what i can about myself so that i don't go thru this again - but i still feel very very empathetic for my most recent ex - i know she goes through hell - but she unfortunately does not want to do anything about it - she did very well for a while and then decides she is cured - there is nothing you can do for that but pay dearly . The title of this video is Things You Need to Know After a Breakup with someone with BPD , so there are going to be a lot of people on here in different phases of grief - Ideally we can all realize that the abusive BPD is hurting too - but not everyone is going to get there
I am currently going through a break up with a BPD , we’ve been together 27 years and everything I heard in this video hurts but it is accurate, I messed up many times because I didn’t know anything about BPD and she’s the one that wants it to be over now. She just got a job and I’m saving money to move out. I need to find a community to assist me through this. I still love her I’m not gonna lie. But I’m trying to except that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. We have three children together one who is still a minor I’m trying to let her go, but I don’t know how. I need help.
My BPD showed signs of poor emotional regulation on the first date, but I thought I could help “fix” and I would be rewarded with love. How arrogant of me. After eight months of push/pull and verbal abuse, I blocked him from further contact. Exhausted from his screaming at me all the time and then acting if nothing happened. Now just focusing on me and realizing I wasn’t emotionally healthy either. I got lots of work to do.
Coming from an environment growing up with a covert narcissist mother, and a father living a double life (one life inside his head and a passive deconnected life in the real world), I ended up severely codependent as an unseen child. Spent all in all 15 years with a silent borderline who in the end trying to destroy me completely during the last 3-4 years, before I, in therapy getting help to understand the situation, managed to leave the relationship (I was suicidal and had reached the rock bottom of my life). My advice to anyone in a similar situation, once you notice the very clear signs of severe devaluation, and your partner acts as if nothing has changed even when confronting them - JUST LEAVE!! You can't fix them, you can't save the relationship, it will never go back to how it once was, you are on your way out, and the longer you stay and try to fight it, the more damage you will suffer before you're dumped!!! I say it again LEAVE!!!! LEAVE NOW!!!
I spent 4 years in therapy at the end of and after this relationship, and there I learnt about myself, why I have always had "crazy" relationships, and spent years on building myself up, self compassion, learning to be vulnerable, learning to ask for help, and to in the end take care of myself. I live the best life I've ever done now and I am fully focused still on creating the life that I want, take the full responsibility for myself, my emotional life, and have been very careful with relationships, keeping them at arms length until I understood what I wanted and what I didn't want in a dynamics with another person. Since 3+ years in a long distance relationship with a younger very healthy woman also from a dysfunctional background but who started her journey to build herself up years ago, and is also extremely self aware. We care a lot about each other, without allowing for any level of depletion of our own selves, we keep a 100% transparent conversation about these things and are fully in agreement that there's never any compromise with these things! I love my life today, and have spent so much time these last years picking up my pieces and reconstructed what I really want my life to be about, an ongoing journey that I am very sure will never end, the more I learn, the more I want to learn!!
Being with a borderline was very very painful. After the discard and no contact, it was a massive hole, that still not filled. Was deeply hurtful situation. Still is. Self healing trying to do now. A good video.
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This just happened to me... Why does it hurt so damn much? Why is "discard and no contact" a part of BPD?
A borderliner fears abandonment. You all know how moody they are! Because of this, they leave first, and put you in victim mode. You can get from a borderline more gifts like gaslighting, blameshifting and flying monkeys. Some go so far that they literally stalk your life or steal your things. The one thing you need to do, don't buy their games in any time.
I love this. I love how it’s letting me acknowledge both sides of the road. I definitely focused on my exs mental health but didn’t know how to approach it because it never felt safe and when I finally did it was out of frustration and anger so it was never productive which contradicted my concern for her wellbeing. Thank you for this
Ashley, Correct on all points. Ultimately I had to come to terms with my own codependency and lack of boundaries. Most BPDs will not seek help. I began to heal two years out. Now three years out I often don't think of her. Sometimes I don't even remember her name.
You are so right and it is too fresh! I have to look at why I ignored of all the red flags from the start. I stayed in too long knowing there was issues and I held out hope I could help him. I have a long way to go.
I take exception to the premise of "shared accountability" with someone found after-the-fact to be manipulative, deceitful and toxic in a loving, caring and beautiful relationship. We can do all the work to self-reflect, look for red flags, consider our boundaries, and review how we were raised, but if we are authentic and they are not, we suffer. What are we supposed to learn from all the pain and anguish except to never trust anyone again? Dont ever fall in love? I dont think you get it and sadly I think you are giving bad advice to good-hearted people who are in pain because they were genuine and the other person took advantage of them. It is not their fault. They didnt hurt anyone. Every relationship has "red flags." You could never fall in love with a healthy partner if you focused on red flags, or if you protect yourself forever with strong boundaries. What boundaries protect you from someone you hold in your arms when they cry, lie beside in bed until you fall asleep, and sit quietly and watch the waves hit the shore, for years, and they can walk away like they never met you. No fight, no argument, no reason, no closure, no goodbye...not a word. Tell me how to move on.
James, I understand your pain, but reading this, and i do not want to sound condescending or harsh, maybe your lesson here is to find closure within yourself and only you can decide to move on. It is absolutely painful I know and accepting that you will never get the answers you seek may mean you maybe have not done the work to release yourself from this pain. Weather you are "healthy" or not, we always have a role in the destruction of a relationship. It is up to you to figure out what yours was. Best of luck to you sir.
Jesse S I appreciate your perspective but it’s easy to project responsibility onto someone else. I hear about self-love and shadow-work as a defense. It’s a shame that a beautiful relationship ends after 2 years when someone ghosts you out of the blue. That is not normal by any definition. If I am so secure and confident that something like that doesn’t bother me, I become no better than them. Be well.
Me and my girlfriend broke up again over Christmas, the second Christmas in a row. I have to fly all the way to Spain to talk to her becuase she is so stubborn. She was in therapy and was going well but we ended up repeating a bad cycle. I've not given up on her, I accept her illness, perhaps she will take me back or never talk to me but if you want someone then at least find them and tell them. A borderline fears abandonment so maybe just showing up says a lot.
@@thejourneyofone2425 I think what you are doing is awesome. I understand why your are doing it. But please don’t be shocked if she acts like you never met. That is the most painful experience I ever endured. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for such clear & refreshing communication around this subject. We are simply mirrors; codependency feeds BPD and NPD, each just getting more severe in union with the other. As non-BPDs and partners or ex-partners of BPDs, we need to go within and focus on our own self-awareness and growth; What causes us to act codependently in relationships? What's behind our need to feel needed, or fix people? Like she says, what caused us to seek out an unhealthy relationship dynamic in the first place? We may cling to the borderline for a multitude of reasons: Maybe something in us doesn't feel whole, or maybe we were in an especially vulnerable or fragile state when we attracted this person into our life; maybe we lacked or still lack true self-love. As non-BPDs, when we cling to the BPD to fill an internal void within ourselves, we are also not allowing the BPD the necessary space to develop critical self-awareness and healing on their own. Developing compassion for the BPDs in our lives has also been a huge part of my personal journey; understanding that they suffer more than most and usually endured childhood traumas worse than others can help us see that they do not actually want to behave this way, as much as it may seem contrary at times of conflict with a BPD. (We all know how cyclical, confusing, and energetically draining this can be). At the end of the day, each person, whether a codependent or BPD, needs to heal themselves; There needs to be that balance there, and if there is not, a healthy dynamic can never coexist between the two. By opening up this conversation, we are contributing to the de-stigmatization and healing around this subject. Thank you
3 times in 10 yrs same person. I have changed losing you was the worst mistake,love bombed ,cohabitation, devalued,resented,contempt,,blamed for everything, emotional cheating, diacard after a yr or two, replaced instantly, and despised...
People with BPD are able to tell when they are being terrible. We know. We have immense guilt over it. But a lot of us DO seek help. A lot of us want to be amazing mothers, wives, whatever. So we seek help. Though I can’t erase the BPD from my brain, therapy has taught me how to recognize/fix my bad behaviors and has greatly changed my whole life and relationships. Not everyone is capable of loving/supporting someone with BPD. But I’m super glad I found someone who will. 2 children later and almost a decade of my life spent with this man. I am still worthy of love, even with my BPD. I do not like that this video implies we are all helpless souls and “normal people” should basically steer clear. I know people who aren’t diagnosed with any mental health issues and are far more damaging than I’ve ever been.
I know, I don't even have BPD but i am *fuming* at this video. This woman is so deeply unempathetic and what she's said here is extremely harmful. I'm very happy for you and your family, and proud of you for working on yourself. I wish you all the best and I'm sorry you had to hear all this bullshit at all
I am C-BPD & i am functioning & thriving in my life because i choose to walk away from toxic people. I have my moments, but if i feel someone wants to be with me, needs to be emotionally stable. I feel that a lot of people condemn BPD, even though as long as someone is willing to work on their issues, then no one has the authority to tell you how you will function in life. I am up front with what i have & where i am in my progress. All my dr's & therapist are amazed by my progress & the fact i am constantly holding myself accountable. I make it a point to tell people to call me out if they feel i have overstepped or did something questionable. I am secure in who i am & what i am capable of or not capable of. Relationships take work. Its a TEAM.
Taking responsibility on both sides as you mentioned is so important... I dated someone who was totally avoidant and did not want to take responsibility for ..well not much and even made me feel bad about my abandonment issues which even triggered borderline traits... all I am trying to say that I support what you are saying and the video and I am glad people with BPD are not shown as something negative because at first it came across that way or not being an option to date them if they also take responsibility and try to stabilize themselves with therapy and etc.
With the pandemic and the loss of family I'm just getting around to dealing with the mess of breaking up with my ex who is bpd. Dealing with my codependency has given me new focus so I'm working on forgiving me. Thank you.
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The problem is that the red flags seem fixable. They’re so illogical that you think if they just see it your way then it will all be solved. You can’t ignore the red flags because they seem so easy to fix.
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
This video is GOLDEN on BPD relationship on TH-cam! She is so great always referring to the problems of the other party. It is so right though so hard to swallow. Red pill. This vid deserves more views and likes!
Thankyou ❤️ I needed to hear this. 5 yrs, and a 4 yr old girl, it got physical, it got messy, it took 2 yrs. I can actually say, I see the cycle for what it is. And I need to focus on loving myself and showing my daughter that love too so we can heal and never be in this kind of horror show Again.
Is there an online support group for people who have been in a relationship with BPD? I was finally able to drive her away 2 days ago but I think there are still a lot more I got to learn before I could get back up on my feet and running.
Thank you for providing these insights and support. My relationship and engagement to a borderline woman recently ended when I found out amongst other things that she had been unfaithful. It’s been a brutal experience but you’ve helped me to the focus more on myself, my power, and the importance of self-love instead of my constant lamenting and intellectualization of what went wrong. Thank you.😢
Good to hear from you. Sorry you are going through this experience. Let me know how you are doing. Also let me know if I can help. Finding our personal power is extremely important to moving on.
Their is a higher success rate in your relationship if your partner is not personality disordered, borderline relationships are destined for failure from the get go due to their dysfunctional thinking & behaviours patterns, they struggle with interpersonal relationships!!
Anyone who survives a BPD break up is a fucking hero.
Going through one right now. It's wild how much this hit me. Less than a month, no contact and my mind is just on fire.
it's been 2 weeks and still thriving
I don’t know if I’ll make hero status. I might not make it. I’m hurting so bad right now. I just want her back
@SHIVAMKumar-ni5nh I appreciate these kind words. I read them right away, despite my lack of response. I was just thinking that, nearly a week later, I do have a sliver of hope that I too will make it. The pain has subsided, even if just slightly. Thanks again
@@donniemonson3202you have more to offer yourself than they have to offer you. You did before you met them and you have more now.
This is the single most helpful video that I’ve encountered during my bpd breakup. Thank you for breaking it down. She was the best and the worst. And it’s been very difficult to resolve emotionally. This helped massively.
James glad the video was able to help. We have many videos on BPD that may help as well. It is a very difficult emotional time
Mine was the best for 8 years, and then suddenly the most painful breakup ever, and a sudden and complete personality change the moment she started mirroring a new person she'd known for 5 minutes. Absolute hell, and I'm still in it...although a bit more used to it. Yesterday she's outside my door calling, with a silly excuse to come in and act like she's missing me, and I stupidly, weakly made plans to see her tomorrow. And now I'm sitting alone a Friday night knowing she's with her new 'favorite person', while I'm alone thinking about her. The anger I feel at myself, because I know at this point that she's sick. And that if I see her regularly again - or ever - it's going to leave me in a lot of pain.
@@JohnMoran Just so you know: you're worth it, and you lack nothing. You are worth everything and that means you're worth more than debasing yourself. You already have everything you need. Accept yourself, acknowledge your flaws, and do what life does - change. Be You. I trust in You, so you should trust yourself. Why do I trust in you? Because you are willing to put your thoughts out there and have that vulnerability acknowledged. You're a lot stronger than you realise. PS: yup, me too - 8 days off 3 year wedding anniversary. Weirdly, I feel great. You are worth more than debasing the person that is... You. Accept that.
I realize that the person I fell in love with never was real. I fell in love with the person they were when they were idealizing me. I didn't see it for what it was because it seemed like unconditional love and who doesn't want that. Its been almost a year and my resentment for him is finally fading but I'm still having a hard time forgiving myself for going back to him as many times as I did.
This is exactly what I experienced as well. I know how hard it can be to forgive ourselves for going back to them. I met this wonderful girl (I didn't know she had BDP) last year around this time and she showered me so much attention and affection. I thought we had become nearly best friends and we literally talked multiple times every single day for months. At first, it was like a dream. This person was the most loving and invested person I had ever met and they were so consistent in their cars for me...but then one day, it hit me suddenly after so many red flags (which I foolishly ignored) that the person and friend I had deeply loved wasn't real. It was just the version of them that idealized me and once it wore off, they ended up becoming the worst and coldest person I've ever known. They broke my trust in every way and they truly did break my heart. I still wish that I had never met them.
Hey. Just leaving this message to say you're not alone and I hope all is going well.
Rooting for you from the UK. Hope today is wonderful!
What happened is you fell for your own great qualities that they mirror back to you.
@@jameswallen4521 Your comment reminded me of a conversation we once had once. He told me that I showed him his reflection and that it made him angry to look at it. At the time I thought he needed reassuring, so I told him all the reasons he was great and shouldn't hate himself. Retrospectivly I think he was just being candid.
@@cherylf9788 thank u for sharing
It should be mandatory to inform the other person that you have BPD before getting into a relationship.. I know they're suffering and have no control but they just leave a trail of destruction left right and centre throughout their lives.. That's a lot of broken hearts and somebody needs to take responsibility for that
Yesssss
You nailed it. I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who has BPD and it has left me emotionally and mentally exhausted. This video has also allowed me to understand that I have issues, which explains why I failed to set boundaries and why I tolerated this behavior.
Ashley, you have said it all. Give yourself time to live and grow! It’s a great message. One can go back to this presentation as a refresh from time to time an stay steady on the right course.
You should watch the entire video. Red flags from BPD are clear. Why did you choose to ignore them?
Sometimes they're not aware they do & are later diagnosed when they're already in the relationship.
I would much rather have a painful truth over a comfortable lie.
Same for me. When I finally knew that my ex cheated on me when she was in her "hate period" I could accept the end of our relationship much more easily. I always had my doubts, but obviously she was too good at lying and manipulating me. I literally felt like I was going to become crazy till I found out the truth.
Chris Holman - then you are exceedingly rare.
Same here. Lying seems to be my BPD husband’s natural way of living.
Amen brother it took years before I realize she was BPD I was unequally yoke I knew it I was just praying that God would change you’re never happen
I gotta start over after she gives me what she owes me I need to get away from her and love myself and leave her alone to herself
Best video on bpd relationships/breakups.
Thank you. You hit every nail square in the head. I love how you were so brutally honest about taking responsibly for being in a relationship that wasn't ever healthy from the start and how that is because of my own shit that i haven't dealt with.
I saw the red flags. I just ignored them cuz the connection and feelings of euphoria we're so strong when things were great. A relationship like that is a strong drug that no one talks about that way. I knew it wasn't right. He knew it wasn't right but we couldn't stop.
Thank you for the comment
Broke up with my gf half a year ago. She was diagnosed with BPD (which she kind of dismissed). For some reason i thought i could "save" her from it, because underneath the diagnosis she was still an amazing and lovable person. Guess i couldn't. The break up was sudden, and seemingly, at least to me, out of nowhere. She talked about how she's going to fuck up eventually, that she's breaking up with me for my own good. I didn't understand any of it, but respected her decision. She is her own person, and it would be unfair of me to try to control her life.And only recently while researching various mental disorders I've actually started to try to understand what BPD actually is.
I was surprised by many of the topics about relationships with BPD's. It seemed like every one of them was described an unstable and abusive relationship, which wasn't my experience at all. Frequent mood swings, risk taking behaviour, previous trauma sure, but never the attachment issues. Maybe there were glimmers of it, but i chalked it up to her mood swings.
If anyone with BPD happens to read this, I know you're all different, you're human beings after all. She was nothing but good to me, and all her hate and destruction was unfortunately always directed towards her. My heart breaks for every one of you out there, and I wish we all could've lived in a different time, where healing a person with such a diagnosis would be effortless.
Thanks for your comment
Hey I would like to ask how long it took to recover following the breakup? Currently getting through a very similar situation when my girlfriend of 1 year dumped me out of nowhere and moved on within days. Does the pain go away?
@@graysonwing2946 the pain will subside when you've had enough of it and decide to stop wasting your life/energy on depression, unless you like wallowing in self pity. once you realize there's a whole world out there, you just didn't see it because you gave all your attention to her, your perspective will broaden and you'll start focusing on growth. no matter how small and slow it might be. the more you focus on anything that's better for you (only you know what's good for you), the less energy you'll give away to anything that's in the past. take care of your health. learn to build your wealth, and when you're in peace with yourself, the one that's your equal will magically appear. it'll definitely take a year to establish new patterns but you can do it. I'm 43, lost everything and going through it myself...
This made my cry because it defined my past relationship from beginning to end. Still recovering from it.
Sounds like she had quiet BPD
i love how you held us to accountability ---Codependents ESPECIALLY attach to disordered people and it masks our OWN issues.
So glad you reached out :)
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
The message……. the focus on you not the other. that’s where there can be a difference. You can make your life more wonderful not to be inner directed from the other. that is the outside other
Masks or exposes? I found my avoidant/anti-social behavior masked my codependency whereas being in an intense relationship amplified and exposed it.
A concept lost on the majority of people in the comments!
100%
You HAVE TO focus on yourself. Not others. YOURSELF.
Once you heal yourself and learn how to actually take care of your own needs, so many of the issues you experienced before almost go away.
Relationships are never, ever one person's fault if they fail. It takes 2. Its a dynamic, changing thing. Not a static thing.
I just went through this with my ex, she was one of the worst people I've ever met and it came from me not loving myself and not thinking I deserved someone better. Don't let it drag for years! Trust your gut and establish your boundaries and work on yourself!
I have to say, I just broke up with my boyfriend with BPD. We were together for almost two years, the ups and downs were incredible. Bad parts were really bad and the good parts really good. It is so hard to forget the good parts but I know I have to stay out of the cycle. Thank you for this video, feeling way more empowered now.
My girlfriend with BPD just broke up with me saying I was toxic for her, and boring, our relationship had extreme ups and down and like you said when it was good it was really good and it's those memories that make it so hard for me, she saw me so differently from who I was, she saw me as manipulative because I expressed my feelings for her trying to regain her attraction which is ubsurd. Man I tried so hard. I put up with so much that I shouldn't have and none of it mattered in the end, all I ever wanted was for her to be happy. I thought it would get better and in some instances it did and now it seems someone will fill my shoes without doing any of the work I did. I just wish the way saw me wasn't so warped, she hates me now and her hate is extremely miss placed and misunderstood.
@meros send me your email and we could chat sometime
@meros alright I'll message you soon
@meros I'll message you tonight I out all day and taking a quick nap
@meros sent a email to you
As stated in this video, if you ever decide to tell a person that seems to have all the symptoms of BPD that you think they may have the condition, even if said out of love, be prepared that they may never speak to you again. I was honestly trying to help my girlfriend who was clearly suffering, I never heard from her again. I don't regret it, as the relationship was destroying me, even though I loved her. There was a void there that took many months to start healing. I also agree that the most valuable thing you can work on is your boundaries, so if you see the red flags in a new relationship, you know when to walk away and never look back.
Maybe she already knew and you called her on it, and she knew she couldn't mislead you anymore.
@@imoutbyethat’s kinda what it feels like in my case . And politely being vocal and curious about flat out lies
My Ex. Didn't take it well, when I told him, I believe he had BPd, that was destroying our relationship. He rained down insults on me so badly, that I had to blocked him, for my own mental health...I missed him a lot, but couldn't do the roller coaster relationship anymore. You can't help someone, who wouldn't admit, that there's a problem..
Yeah she said to me “I don’t like that you try to diagnose me. My therapist said I don’t have it.” Her therapist only saw her 5 times and she didn’t seem very knowledgeable.
I ignored all the red flags. Chalked it up to cultural behavior and language barrier. The reality hit me on our 1 year anniversary, and if it wasn't for my cousin introducing me to your channel, I'd make that mistake and go back. The break up was a couple of weeks ago and I knew something wasn't right when I immediately felt a weight lifted off of me. It's time to heal. Thank you for the great content.
Couldn't have said it better. Despite everything else you'd feel it's easy to relate to feeling a huge weight being lifted off of you and that's the great part. The other giveaway is if you alternate between good and bad recollections frequently because they were probably all mixed in together in intense cycles that never got resolved or effectively addressed one-at-a-time.
Yes that weight you feel in these relationships it's like mental/emotional prison kind of physical too
Ashely, and all the commentors sharing your story, you are the hug and the understanding i need. Hearing everyones words has been overwhelming but also 98 percent relatable. I thought i understood BPD, but, i didnt. I will keep coming here when it hurts. Im in day 1 no contact. Again. But this time, everyone knows everything, and ive said outloud ive lost myself and boudaries and need my own help, Partner Betrayl Trama is one hell of a thing. Anywho. wish me luck ❤
I learned that I am codependent. I need to work on myself. I thought I was the good guy the whole time because I was trying my best. But, now I realize that I am seeking validation in trying to be viewed as the 'good guy'. Thank you. I'm 35 and I have been wondering what the point of trying was, but I see I've been trying to fill a void within myself.
Great insight. I relate well...
@@NKRAIEM 1.5 years later and my marriage has improved considerably. She was right, it was me causing the stress in the marriage. That realization turned everything around, honestly.
I learned that I have a tendency to blame my wife for issues because she is Bipolar. But that's like blaming everyone except yourself for conflicts when you are ALSO a common denominator in these situations. My wife has BPD, but that does not make me infallible.
It’s good to hear about the other side. Before ever talking to my ex again, I will work on my bpd. Tired of being a walking red flag.
Dr. Daniel Fox is excellent. He's here on TH-cam. Though, I'm still "a walking red flag". It's a long fucked up tangle of emotional unbinding. Best of luck!
🚩🚩🚩
❤❤❤
Liar
@@pope1089 what
Dr Daniel Fox is the best!!
It’s all trauma based probably
after 2 weeks of the silent treatment and not seeing her for a month i finally went no contact and i set up a counseling appt for next week to start working on myself and figure out my assets and my defects . i love all your comments as well as Ashley's tutorial
I’m gg to do that too. All the best in our journey!
Unless both sides are willing to work on themselves, nothing will change. And this may be tough for some of you to hear, but it’s not just the bpd person who is toxic. We as the codependents or narcs are also toxic too, and we played a part in the toxic dance. Yes, codependency is toxic
this is so important and valid! my boyfriend broke up with me but never accepted my invitation to come talk to my psychologist
I am most probably a codependent...Are you able to explain why we are toxic? Just very interested....
@@crashtestdummie67 I’m gonna make a video about that!
@@jaredmello great! Thank you very much!
@@crashtestdummie67 i guess staying in a place where you are constantly bombarded with negativity and things that affect you emotionally/psichologically is also toxic. We tend to think of toxic people as abusers but like she said it takes two to tango.
Thank you, this was wonderful. Married to a Borderline for 14 years, now free and doing great. I was a shell and now feel whole. I would like to say to everyone that has to go through this, it will get better, you will heal, you are lovable and good.
I’ve been married for 9 years and I believe my husband has BPD. He refuses to go to counseling, and said he would rather I walk out of his life, get divorced than he go to counseling. I’m meeting with an attorney next week. I’m broken, I’m hurt that someone who claims to love and adore me refuses to do everything possible to save the marriage. I just can’t do it anymore. The paranoia, the anger, the hatred and silent treatments have just broken me. I left to go be with family and he hasn’t responded to my calls, or texts in a month.
@@ashleymcnultyrealtor1746 I hope u are doing fine now 🙏
@@ashleymcnultyrealtor1746 hey ashley, how are you doing now? Wish you well
@@Louiefromnextdoor hi. I’m better. It’s been 9 months since I left. He’s been a no show at court ordered mediation 2 times , won’t allow me in the house to get anything (I have my clothes and toiletries) and he has my 2 cats that he says will be discussed in mediation
Now my father is dying and I still have to deal with this for another 4 months.
@@ashleymcnultyrealtor1746 you re such a strong woman. Hang in there! I hope you have friends that can support you. I ve learned that in difficult times its always been my friends that lifted me up. My hell would be 10 times harder without them. Im sorry to hear about your dads situation. I hope you ll find the strengh to go through it all. Good luck to you!
there is the pain... but the loneliness of the empty bed is killing me but I know I can't take her back... iy is killing me
slimeronio stay strong, the addiction will be over soon. You’re just going through withdrawal. You will come out stronger. Trust me. I have.
@November Diary I love u 😂 👍
I know it’s not easy but make your self move on... “THEY HAVE” even tho they lie and lie about it, you know what they are doing and that is the pain, however; in a way you let the pain in, ignor all they say and move forward, it is an illness and if they can not be honest with you , they are not honest with anyone especially themselves, think how lonely that is and they will continue the same cycle over and over again, you WON”T!. Take care of you first.
Maybe she should take YOU from the back
You are nt alone man. Hope u r doing great now days
I had a relationship with a BPD she showed me an enormous amount of attention. I had never had 10 percent of what she showed me. it is wonderful... addictive ! i learned about her former marriage and heard all of the stories of how bad her ex was.. and other friendships that she just cutoff. in the back of my mind was wondering when it was my turn it happened after a 16 year relationship...great advice !
Update..it's been almost 11 months when she left. I have had counseling and listened to AB . I still miss the good times but can't live with the borderline amnesia. .constant barge of belittling ,gaslighting etc. I am much better but not totally over the relationship yet. Thanks Ash..
Holy hell can I relate to this. My BPD wife (soon to be ex) showered me with so much love and affection at first that I just thought it was the most wonderful thing in the world. No one had ever loved me like that, not even close. She dumped her husband the day she first met me, saying that he was cold and indifferent to her. Wow I should have seen the red flag right there but the love was just so enthralling. Over time she started getting colder and colder, until just about the 20 year mark she suddenly decided I was the worst person to ever walk the planet. The divorce is almost finalized and she is long gone from the house but I had to block her everywhere because the she talks to me now with such burning hatred it is soul crushing. And yet- I still miss her. Crazy.
It’s mind boggling how much of a hold on you they have. Without TH-cam we’d all be stuck in the same hole. Thanks to Ash , Sam Vaknin, AJ Mahari and Melanie Amadine we can finally have our intuitions confirmed and move forward towards normality. It leaves such a painful void that need so much inner work to fill. The latest Sam vaknin video is on trusting intuitions, it’s incredible . I’ve watch so many channels on NPD’s and narrowed it down to those 4 channels for help getting over my bpd ex.
Kevin Hamilton I completely relate to your experience…
It certainly is crazy…. I too miss my bpd partner even through the torrent of verbal abuse I’m getting served right now….
I’m working hard at “cutting the cord”…… 😔
@@poocumber7806I hate Sam. He has no compassion. He is just a narcissistic asshole.
Changing myself seems overwhelming, but I like your comment, "just be better than you were yesterday"
Thank you for reaching out Ann. Taking everyday step by step, being better than we were yesterday helps us to create real personal work and real lasting change, I use this in my own life every single day.
Yes, deal with your codependence and narcissism so your ex can feel okay too. Good for you. She or he may be able to teach you a little about that. Good luck.
That is actually pretty huge for me too. Good point.
Your advice is so wise - thank you for this educational video!
I have just broken away from my BPD partner and I am mourning his loss in my life… He gave me the attention I craved all my life and I was addicted to it, as toxic the attention was.
“It takes two to tango” is absolutely bang on accurate! I did see the red flags and didn’t act on it because I AM co dependant and I can’t stand that about myself… but I will not give up fixing myself!
"Until death sets us apart" kind of gets its full meaning when you deal with someone who has BPD.
I wonder why this things are not thought in school? After all we spend our lives with people, shouldn't we be learning abut ourselves and others more than math and shit?
I had no idea this exists until it was too late.
I was in a relationship and was engaged to a bpd female for just shy of six years. (We got engaged after two years) it's been four years now and I still think about her constantly. Its gotten easier with time but that's about it, not "better" just easier. What I struggle most with is the anger, I know its pointless and pigheaded of me but I still hold so much rage about the whole situation. How she treated me, the things she did and said, the things I did and said. Everything.
I just hope you're not letting that anger out on the next person.
I seem to run into those people who think they can make me the scape goat for their previous partners shortcomings...people need to heal first.
Ain't nobody got time to be a rebound or a scapegoat.
Hope you forgave her and especially yourself eventually!
Those with BPD are the best fitness trainers around. Upon finding that they have it, whether you are young or old, super-fit or really fat, RUN A MILE. Do NOT go back to them. Then run another mile. You will also be better mentally as well as physically after this. BPD is the sound of a starting pistol. Go!
Hahahahaha awesome
This is honestly horrible
@@allison3605 It IS how it IS.
its been over a year and i find myself missing her so much still, despite how terrifying it got towards the end
You are missing yourself
@@Smith-Machiner it’s been a thousand days now, still miss her
@@RMSYTV Ill always miss her than. I suppose we should prepare ourselves for that.
@@Dexteritas55 yeah... it’s really tiresome. I just can’t find the same closeness with anyone else. Feel like I’m 20% myself with other but with her it was unfiltered. Of course that meant everything else was too and she could use it against me (and would when she wanted to keep me close)
@@RMSYTV I understand. I don't get how they don't feel so close. I used to say we were connected. I think the best thing to do is not look for a relationship. Talk to God more and work on developing my intellectual prowess to that of Jordan Peterson. How have you been moving forward?
Thank you so much for making this video. I just broke up over Christmas and needed someone who understands what ex-partners of BPDs go through.
How are you doing songsongsingasong?
@@LifecoachAshleyBerges I watched your video 4 times. Every time I feel sad and miss the ex, I watch this video to remind myself that more work needs to be done on myself before I can start dating again. Thank you, Ashley, for helping me go through difficult times.
kat1111 be strong and watch this video:)
Thank you very much. This is truly helpful and powerful. I agree with everything you've said. I'm seeing a life coach and I'm on my way towards healing and healing right... God bless you
Great that they understand what you are going through. Hope you also understand that she had to go through your deficits too. Good luck to you both.
One last suggestion. Go “No Contact” if you don’t have children. If there is any remaining business (getting possessions back, for example), do it by snail mail and use a moving service so you don’t have to meet face-to-face. That is best for you and the BPD. Keep it all business once you break up. She meant so much to me, it’s sad to loose the good parts of the relationship. But stringing it out only extends the pain and slows the healing.
It sounds like it is healthier for her to go no contact with you.
@@LK-un4st its everyone's free choice who they wanna be in contact or no contact with, there is no force in love
dude that's just good relationship advice, has nothing to do with bpd.
I have been confident and smart all my life.I began 2 years relationship with a person,who i thought was the ONE .now after two years i am broken ,i ma totally smashed and down to earthon my knees.i feel ugly worthless and a garbagge.The person i was with i am sure now has BPD .We were going to get married,than not,than again yes than not,i was guilty for everything,but of course i was not,only in his head.it is such a long story that only to think about it makes me sick to my stomack.He blames the world for everything ,ne is the good guy.he plays with my feelings ,says i love you,the next day we are over.I am happy that he broke up with me.This is the best thing he did for me for the 2 years relationship,because he saved me this way form hiss crazyness and now i try to heal and get back to my previous self.i lost everything and kinda start from the beggining now.very good lesson and i truly begin to love myself first.Run from these people ,RUN as fast as you can,never give them chances they will never change!!!!!!If they want to get better and to therapyst then give them a chance ,but the people who refuse to get better just leave them and go find a person who you deserve and who will love you and respect you the way you deserve!
I recognise 98% of what you say and feel the same. It’s tough but helpful to know I am not the only one.
How are you doing now?
@@manuelagarcia9676 I am doing fine.i dont give a shit anymore for anyones approuval.I decided to be my biggest fan.God knows who will send me.
@@alexandraasja2505 thats great ! good to hear
This sound like a narcisist. What is the difference
Ashley, this video is so very helpful even for a person like myself, who struggles with BPD.
I am separating from my partner of 14 years and the thing that pains me the most (by far) is the guilt I feel for knowing how I my behavior and volatility hurt my significant other.
I do not want to separate but in attempting to make things somewhat right I am accepting and respecting their decision to “take a break”. I am not ready for a relationship with anybody right now and being alone terrifies me but I need to work on myself and my partner needs time to heal from my emotional instability.
I will share this video with them. Thank you so much for putting it so clear, honest, and direct.
And for the ones ending a relationship with someone with BPD; I am so sorry that you went through that, it must have been hard and I sincerely wish you a speedy recovery from the experience.
To take a break does not mean to end the relationship. I wanted to take a break to get my hammered mind back into somewhat normal, and to figure out how to resolve the problems (i did not know she had bpd at the time), and save the relationship. She immediately discarded me in an awful way and got together with another one. Hear this out: the last thing non-bpd people want to do is to abandon you! Pwbpd are the ones always leaving for good at an instant, and at minor or non-existent things. What you think why are we watching videos like these, and lamenting for years? Because we love you and don't want to abandon you! Just there comes a time when we must put our own sanity in front of the love we feel for you.
@@DaniTorresOfficial You can't 'take a break' with a person with BPD. That means you are on hold while they set someone else up for discard, and will be toyed with whenever that person isn't availble to them for a moment. It's not fare to you, trust me.
Ashley Berges, this is by far the best video I've seen since randomly perusing Utube in order to learn healing. Thank you
Ive accepted, that im a codependent person. My mother is a malignant narcissist,
The woman , i fell completely in love with, made me feel like a king. For about 4 months. Then the following, 2 years, were push, pull, that was intertwined, woth a level of rage, thats usually compared to gorillas, on the discovery channel. I mean. Off the chain violence, and name calling. Gross and disgusting attacks on every level of my character. They were relentless. Constant beat downs and belittling comments. In the end. She ledt me for another man.
Now i find, that im smeared as abusive, a psycho, a stalker. My reputation is ruined.
Im blamed for everytning. Told that i brought it on myself. It was my fault.
Everything that she did, was basically switched around on me.
I camt get my head around any of it.
To make it worse. I still love her. More than i could ever imagine.
Amd shes so damn mean. Wishes i was dead. " i hope to read the paper and see that youve died"
Why????????!!!!!!!!!!!
The pain is suffocating
b k that's who they are brother, see her being out of your life as a blessing, these people will ruin your life and may even send you to prison, stay calm, now you can focus on rebuilding your life and now you know the signs to look for so we don't make the same mistakes in the future.
b k bro everything you said I completely relate to! I’ve been grieving for what seems like a lifetime! She appears to be living life and getting by. Here I sit thinking how I could have fallen for someone like her. My heart goes out to brother and if ya need someone who feels like u do... hit me up! Be blessed
b k read what I wrote below! It was intended for you!
Thank you for reaching out bk. We can love someone unconditionally however we must find the love within ourself. This person has brought great pain and suffering onto you and you've allowed it to continue. Are you ready to let go of the strings of attachment? In these relationships are great lessons to learn about ourself and the way we will allow others to treat us and how we will respect and love ourself. Let me know if I can help!
I can sure relate, buddy. Mine finally signed up in Tinder because any horny dude would be better than me. - jajajaja, we´ve just gotta laugh at ourselves until maybe it won´t hurt so much anymore.
This might be the most influential video i’ve seen in my life till date, she spoke clearly to me about everything i am feeling right now & told me what to do about how i am feeling , what to focus on. i’m gonna go find the book and hopefully start the journey to find myself
Thank you so much for this video. I recently came out of a relationship with someone with BPD and I wish I'd learned more about the condition sooner. This changed my entire outlook on things.
Yes same story.I saw red flags during honeymoon phase but wasn't aware about bdp.Was just thinking she had some issue about trust, self esteem, hyper sensitive ...We had such great time, i was blind really.But when devaluation phase start i met a completely opposite person, i was like ok there is definitely something wrong with her, i have to find out ! Those video were amazing to heal, otherwise i could spend years wondering whats happened.Went to no contact from now, unfriend and block her.Painful but necessary.This person never exist really, it was just a fantasy.A.J Mahari channel is very informative about bpd, highly recommended it to everyone struggling with bdp ex
@@TheMrQuino what changes happened in the devaluation stage for you?
@@liz21304 Devaluation phase started when she told me I turned like a stranger for her, from no apparent reason. Black and white thinking, I turned from an angel to a devil in her mind. She painted me in black and from that point the nightmare start. They can t come back to idealization phase from that point. Without no reason, it could be because I didn't reply to her text fast enough or whatever .. Anything can trigger a bpd. Fear of abandonment is the real issue here. Then she slowly started to blame me for everything, creating dramas from nothing. Crying, screaming .. People with bdp have a endless lack of self esteem and trust. She said to me that I tried to take her down. I had to walk on eggshells all time. Everything I could do or say was bad in her mind. She started to push me away, she was very mean .. finally I left and learn about bpd behaviour which save me
@@TheMrQuino I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. Recently I went through a similar situation where the person with BPD that I was close with fought with everyone around me in my life and said they were starting drama with them. I believe now their black and white thinking is the reason they told me that people who say certain keywords to them are banished from their life forever. At first I thought it was related to other issues in their life and past but not anymore. Did you experience any sense of fake superiority for show or defense mechanisms or grandiose gifts after arguments ended (if they ever ended)?
@@liz21304 Don t feel sorry, everything happen for a reason. Life had something to teach me and I m grateful I ve survived through this nightmare and was strong enough to leave ! Good lesson : Pay attention to red flags ! Always listen da inner voice.
Then I didn't experience things you describe at the end of your message but what you describe relate more to narcissistic pervert to me
It’s been three years since my break up with a borderline. My biggest thing is the guilt. I feel like I should have known better or handled things differently. I can’t get past the guilt
You have to let that one go. I thought I was a pretty solid person: successful, had been to therapy after my brother died, had my s* together, meditated, the whole thing. I got sucked in hard and fast. She treated me like a King, lavished praise on how great and smart and wise I was. All the stuff the (still) needy side of myself craved. OK, my mistake for at first ignoring the red flags and not setting firm boundaries early. If my BPD was the way she eventually became first day, I would have run and not looked back. It creeps in slowly. By the time you realize it, you're invested. You love them. You have great empathy for them. You see the potential, the brilliance, the good side. You think you can help them. These are not bad instincts when applied to normal, loving relationships. But they are weaknesses exploited by the unaware and untreated BPD. So, quite blaming yourself. This could and often does happen to very good and smart people with good intentions. So, don't beat yourself up. Consider it a very painful and expensive learning experience. If you get everything positive out of it you can, at least you will have that. It's a big price to pay for a life lesson. Just be glad you woke up or got fed up enough to get out when you did.
@debra groovy it's not your fault you were deceived by something that was designed to deceive you if you have never seen it before. Imagine a beautiful wedding cake with white icing. You cut the cake and you see the golden layers of cake. It looks good. Now you taste it and that white stuff was lard and the golden layers were cornbread. Not your fault!
be kind to your self, you did the best you could, now concentrate on healing you
He probably feels guilty too after being in a relationship with a narc. If you don't like the label... try to conjure up enough intelligence to realize how you talk. The reality is that you are a codependent or a narc. So understand that he has just as much right to talk about you as his last relationship with a narc or a co.
That's exactly what I am going through after three years with one. Guilt and shame... That I kept taking him back once I'd found out what a selfish compulsive liar he really was in hope I'd get the person back I "believed" he was the first year. I have to keep reminding myself that was just an act because of his infatuation and dependency on me. Two weeks after our final big split, my friend saw him laughing and joking on a, date... Bearing in mind two days before he called me drunk saying he loves me, trying to seek validation clearly and then switched the next day and said he can't see me to get my son off me like he said he would... Too much emotional turmoil he said. He's now shut my son totally out of his life as well as me, but on a date. This shows what a, selfish horrible person he truly is and I hate myself for missing him and constantly worrying he's whisked this one off her feet as well, she's thinking she's, struck gold and found, her soul mate like I did... And what if this one ends well and it was me didn't handle him right. Rational mind and heart just go all out of sync and, harmony with these people. Worst experience of my life. I was happy, independent for 8 years before I met him
"Anger and resentment cannot be compartmentalized. It permeates everything." This has probably been the most important realizations of my recent life. I love the way that you phrased it in the video.
This doesn't just apply to your romantic relationships. I think this is something that everyone should try to practice just being out in the world interacting with people on a daily basis. Understand that everyone has their flaws and people who act like "assholes" are hurting inside. Accept everyone as they are and focus on your own issues and get a healthy mindset for yourself. Be an example for the rest of the world.
I just found you here on TH-cam. I love your content & how you put a lot of emphasis on yourself, as well as the other person. You have to figure YOU out in order to truly learn. Bingo!
So glad you found me here! Figuring ourselves out is the most important aspect of life. The work we do on ourselves is why we are here! Unfortunately, I'm not sure if many people realize that major truth. Hope you are doing well! Let me know of any subject matter you'd like me to discuss.
I have diagnosed bpd and 90% of my boyfriends have been narcissists. I have never ended a relationship and more often than not I feel I’m the one that ends up feeling deeply hurt when the other person doesn’t care at all. We are both damaged but these two types often pair up.
So true
Where they narcissists though? 🤔 Maybe people just got fed up and said f*ck it like I did. That fear of abandonment kept you from leaving and BPD episodes causes you to blame and accuse. My ex did the same. I broke it off but at the same time I still wish her the best. It truly isn't her fault, it's just the hand she is dealt. But at the same time I am not responsible to save her, or can I. She must do that herself. What is staying going to do but just keep the cycle going? It's insanity.
I had narcissists and sociopaths, getting strangled had one with slept with friends and enjoyed and smiled at my sadness, my fiancee is loving and so kind he is not a narc but is on the spectrum, it took me 36 years for someone to truly love me
This is exactly what I needed to see. Thank you. I spent a year with a pwbpd. I was going through something traumatic at the time and it felt like she was my shining light through the darkness. I was 100% love bombed and made to feel safe and then slowly gaslit and mentally abused. I feel like I'm the person with BPD from this relationship experience. I know watching this, I too was to blame for how toxic the relationship became in the end. I couldn't stand to be around her when she started picking fights. I'm by no means perfect. I tried to make boundaries during the relationship. She cut me off from my support network and I tried to leave multiple times but she was able to reel me back in with love bombing. I feel at rock bottom right now. But this is a lesson to me. I'm sad because I loved her but now I'm free. There's hope again.
Bro about that love bomb... should i not get back after i decide to cut it off....She is trying to reel me with that love bombing..... Suggest me please i feel I'm terrible person who is leaving a loving girl.
@@rdjironman1373I’m in the same boat
@@rdjironman1373 That's the guilt trip they put you on. And they will blame you for that big time. You will feel when you are ready to leave, bc you can't bear no more. It is fn hard, but be strong and don't blame yourself.
Thank you so much for your videos, Ashley. I’m approaching 7 months out of a relationship with my ex that I suspect has BPD, or at least traits of. It still can be very tough some days, the early stages of the relationship were incredible and sometimes my heart and head wants to get back there to where we once were. One of the biggest eye openers to me was uncovering my codependency issues, it all makes so much sense now. It’s sad for anyone who goes through these kinds of relationships, whether you have BPD or are Codependent. There are no winners, just a great deal of heartache for both involved, but as I’m learning all the time, that heartache is a golden place to sit to try to work out, and work on yourself. Thank goodness for these videos from good people like yourself and other professionals that take the time to do them. They’ve helped me on my journey soooooooo much and I’m sure will continue to, so again, a massive thank you. ❤x
I take exception to the comment that if I was okay I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a person with BPD. When I met this charming, witty, interesting person I did not know what BPD was. Once I started seeing signs that things were not what they should be, I was invested in the relationship and tried very hard to make it work, based on the initial phase of the relationship.
I understand exactly. I in no way placing judgment in this video, just identifying a few codependent aspects that also kept us trying to save the relationship well after many negative/painful downturns. It is a very challenging break up to get over. Hope you are moving through it!
Thank you.
Bpd is a disease like cancer and this video is just stereotyping every one that has it as a mad person. People with bpd don’t want to have this condition they want to have a normal loving relationship and if that person with bpd also makes you happy and feel loved then forgive their mistakes and give them the chance to prove themselves because they didn’t choose this illness
@meros will be hell pls pls be careful
😢
@@connielongfurrball1340 ..... Right
Mine threaten to kill me
@meros Run for your life
Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! I have shifted through a ton of BPD videos and was lucky enough to find this one. Just yacht up with my girlfriend who I later learned had BPD. I can’t express how super helpful this video was for me and I’m now looking for a therapist that specializes in this. Thank you so much for being there!
7:50 “It’s not just the person with borderline that’s causing the problems...”
The red-flags were ignored.
This is painful to hear as a person with BPD. We're feeling already insecure, most of us are alone with no friends. So don't tell we've got a lot of friends.
I'm 58 years old. About a year ago they told me I've got BPD. Since I'm following therapy.
I remember at 25 year I was screaming ... Is there somebody who can help me. PLEASE! ... so don't tell we don't wanna be helped to change. 99% of the time we are feeling bad, hurt, alone, no body who cares! And then you are here to confirm we are to be avoid caus we're bad.
What do you want? Lock up or kill all borderliners? That we are the worst people on earth.
We know... we're feeling us like that our whole live!
You just don't know what BPD is!!
@@veroniquescholart5469 I felt this!!! I don’t really agree with what she’s saying. She is definitely making it seem like people with bpd are to be avoided
@@veroniquescholart5469 I FEEL THIS
My ex told me she was borderline, and she was afraid of relationships. I was in a good place in life, I finally found love for myself. My ego got in the way thinking I can do this, I can be understanding, I believed she deserved someone. As soon as they know one weakness, they exploit it, and exploit it hard. I learned you CAN NOT fix someone unless they want to be fixed, and borderlines do not want to be fixed, they believe everything else is the problem. after the relationship she said "I feel like its my problems, this always happens to me" but she still blamed me.
Aaron Orr it’s not true that borderlines don’t wanna be fixed. Many of us do.
A lot of borderlines wants to be fixed
All borderline ever want in their entire life ... . Is to be normal/fixed
I just want the chatter in my head to stop driving me to want to hurt the people that I love and if I had managed to hold back..it would be thoug acting out my feelings in substance abuse or self harm.
On a good note I'm starting my DBT tomorrow!!!!! 🤗
@@selenakam1 Congratulations! It's amazing. I don't have BPD but was with someone with BPD and now see a DBT therapist and it has started to really help. Be open to the help, from not only your therapist but from yourself
She needs a reason to want to change. For a long time I didnt see how bpd made me toxic. I didnt want to take responsability for my actions because when i did something hurtful, i truly never intended to hurt them. It was really confusing why i did certain things. Many people will just say, thats who i am. But its not the best you.
The moment i realized what i had was bpd was amazing, i could seek specific help and guides. But it took me months to really say, yes this IS a change I want, that im not changing who i am but becoming who i am and getting rid of the bad habits. Those things are super hard for anyone. It starts with such small little things you dont notice when it escalates. And now to change I have to be aware of every second
Thank you for making this video!
I broke up with my girlfriend with bpd during Christmas. I still consider it one of the hardest choices I ever had to make. Mostly because I was afraid of she would do to herself (she cut herself a lot and tried to kill herself twice during our relationship )
After 7 months I am still in a very active recovery process because this event had left me way more broken than I thought it would be. After talking about it a lot, starting doing activities again... I decided recently to travel solo for the first time to as yet another step in trying to find myself again. It’s hard... but I know I’ll get there.
Watching this video makes me aware that I’m not the only one who has experienced this and that my pain is not exaggerated!
Check A.J Mahari's channel, it help me a lot to heal and understand.Yes, its super hard.Just broke up and went no contact, bloke her and unfriend.I still love her somehow but you can't rescue them so better love yourself and think about your future.For sure traveling solo is a great decision, trust me you won't regret it, you will find yourself and meet lots of people, it gonna change you.All the best
And what about she?
You must be so much better now.
Is the pain mainly because you felt an identity in being her crutch and you feel like you failed in fixing her? I think maybe the only way I feel useful in a relationship, since I am psychologically healthy, is being a crutch or trying to help someone who is damaged.
I disagree. You can be the healthiest person on the planet. If you get into a relationship with a borderline or other cluster b disordered person, without knowing anything about these disorders, you are bound for going through hell. Having you're own issues might worsen it, but is not a requirement for the disaster.
You are correct to disagree.
Sure, nothing is black and white (like a borderline's thinking), but I feel Ashley is pretty spot on. A healthy minded individual who practices self love will generally not accept anything less from others and be gone the moment red flags are flying high, regardless of whether they can put a label on it or not. I've known about borderlines for a long time and consistently find myself in relationships with them regardless of my knowledge. It mostly boils down to what Ashley said in terms of breaking the cycle by practicing self love and having boundaries to keep out anyone who doesn't provide us with the same respect.
@@jensennathan 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.'
It's not a question of self love or being naiv, if you're giving someone the benefit of the doubt when you fell in love with them and know nothing about personality disorders. These people can be great con artists.
Agreed. I myself was very naive and raised up by one of them. I never taught self love but I heard about healthy and confident people who got destroyed too. BPDs/cluster Bs are the ones who bring the chaos into your life. Even I as a person without self love with a very low self esteem and CPTSD because of childhood, I never liked chaos and always tried to avoid fights and confrontations. But these people bring their negative energy and play with your head/mind until you react and explode out of anger. Then it's you because "you got angry". Very bad people. I have no sympathy for them and I dont care about their abusive pasts (if they even had any, many lie about it too). I had a very abusive past myself and I always tried to avoid hurting and playing with people's heads. I dont care what they have been through... go treat yourself if you're a BPD than maybe you still have a chance to change. NPD / SOCIOPATHS it's a wast of time even talking about them.
I got into a long-distance relationship with my remote cousin that initially didn't raise any red flags. Only after I had invested into it and moved in with her it started showing and it was three months of pure hell before I got out.
I cannot blame myself for dismissing red flags but I blame her for not disclosing her mental condition because she knew about it. Actually, for hiding it until I was invested. That is totally selfish and understandably I feel being used.
Imagine if the CEO of a publicly traded company did not disclose vital information that the business is sinking and sold his stock. Next thing he would be in jail after SEC started digging. Having your partner step into this is the same as not telling him she has AIDS and then blaming him for "stigmatizing" her.
I just recently broke up with someone with borderline personality disorder she's already been diagnosed but things were so not right with her logic and thinking it just frustrated me and we had on and off relationship for a little over a year now I just want to say thank you
Is easier to forgive someone with BPD if you're aware of the sadistic treatment they received by their parents as children. The hideous stories of being constantly belittled and physically beaten made my blood run very, very cold. Only last year I asked to see the house where he grew up in and, 20 years later, he still refuses to even drive to the neighborhood.
BPD people just want to feel safe and not abandoned... but we never feel that way.
That may be true and that's sad, but it's does nothing to make their abuse okay! I think about my husband that went through trauma for about 2 years of his life and developed bpd, and how I spent 9 years in a relationship of abuse from him. At some point you have to stop feeling sorry for them more than yourself, and doing something about it! We've all been told about their pain over and over and over and over and over, but sometimes we endure more pain because of them, from them. It's not okay.
Bit the problem is that it is a mental disorder and to treat it becomes is a life long issue . and we can't control it if untreated .
So what the ones who were abused by their parental figures when they were young but instead of avoiding them they seem to want their approval or something
Not everyone with BPD has a bad childhood, at least not concerning parents and family.
As someone with bpd some of the comments kinda hurt. Not all of us are the same and a lot of us are working through therapy to cope. I suffered a lot as a child which is why I have the disorder in the first place. And I blame myself every single day for things my parents put me through. I understand a lot of people have been hurt by borderlines, but the majority of my relationships were people that were physically or emotionally abusive to me because I subconsciously believed I deserved nothing. Just be mindful. Much love.
Dont worry some people here simply were with assholes but just want to hate on bpd we can be kind ❤️
These people have been through hell, because of the abuse people with bpd have inflicted on them. If you feel like your pain is greater than theirs and they shouldn’t have the right to say their truths then mayyyyybe you need some more work in therapy to learn some better empathy :)
Glad you are getting treatment 🤗🥰
@@lucia9540 Mayyyybe *you* need to work on learning empathy.
Why did you believe you deserved nothing? Genuine question. I suspect the woman I’ve been dating for a few months could have bpd
'Anger and resentment can't be compartmentalized'.. that's a powerful statement that I don't think I've appreciated before!
Thanks , so much. I stayed in a relationship with a BPD for 42 years because I had vowed to for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Now I realise I was co- dependant. Now,at 75 , I am working on myself before it's too late.!!!
Good luck! Proud of you
Hugs
Gillian Howell I have much respect for your strength… bless you 🌈
So glad to hear that! Nothing is ever too late :)
I just came across your channel. You have NO IDEA what this means to me and how much I needed to hear this right now. SO helpful. Going through a current push/pull break up RN and I needed to hear this, it put so much into perspective and your video has definitely encouraged me to do what I know must be done. Honestly there are NO WORDS but THNK YOU. 👋
But this is so sad cos (as someone with BPD) it’s like if you have this condition you’re automatically unlovable and any relationship with you would be toxic?
lisbeth salander Yeah. Immediately off the bat saying “if you date someone with bpd there must be something wrong with you” boy I wish I was aromantic but im not.
Shes not representing properly ...shes generalizing
You may consider working on the condition and not stick to the diagnoses as a fatal destiny
You nailed it !!! (At least in my situation). I didnt know a thing of boundries. I was a people pleaser. I thought it was selfish putting yourself first.
Amazing vid, thanks Ashley!
Thank you - wonderful to hear from you. How are you doing?
Ashley I have been on the road to recovery for a while but I must say this video hits it on the head. Realizing responsibility without blaming yourself is really liberating, gives me the belief that I will heal and love myself unconditionally. Thank you 🙏🙏
He has BPD....I ended it two weeks ago. The splitting is devastating.
How are you doing? Today is my two week mark. She has already texted me that she had sex with someone else. Ugh.
Brian Myers I’ve gotten over it. But, at first, I felt like killing myself to stop the pain. Helps that he’s in another state.....I won’t be sucked in again.
@@thataintnomoonsucka same here ! my ex already has a new girlfriend that told him she loves him
@@terrietackett8964 how is your life now outside of relationships?
three weeks mark here.. I don't know why but I still check on her on social media and she said today that I was toxic and she stopped talking to her friend just bc "I didn't like her"... I got fed so many lies of how much of a bad person I was that I'm afraid I might end up believing them
I so needed this right now. My realization is at the end. Xmas eve started a three day ordeal/break up with a person with BPD among a couple other disorders and it was the most painful breakup I've ever been through right after having to one month prior cut out my toxic family (was in foster care). I was swimming in the agony/pain, deception, devastation, betrayal, lies and like she said... The resentment. I went lower and did and said desperate things I normally wouldn't have. I even ignored the rage, that resulted in him physically crossing a line 3 times, and of course, all those red flags I normally wouldn't put up with. I even worked in mental health, and then I beat myself up so bad... This video hit home. Him having BPD is irrelevant, it's me, where I was that led me to him or made me stay. Yes, the attention. During a dark time... The BPD part was baffling because I wasn't looking at me, and it can cause some strange, alarming, dangerous behaviors that emotionally healthy individuals and you would think those who worked in mental health would see right away.... But again, it's where I was. I'm going to try the 10 day challenge because I've got to break this pattern. Thank you so much, this video hit home and opened my eyes at just the right time. I finally stopped crying and writing stupid poems about what he did and how stupid I was. Time to fix why I allowed this. I can't thank you enough. 🙏🌺
Actually anyone who reads your comment should thank you.
I hope you are doing well.
This was VERY helpful to me. I really didnt see my part of why our friendship was toxic and unhealthy, but now I do. Im gonna take time to process my own stuff and see why I didnt make it healthy, and why I ignored the red flags...Thank you.💗
This is pure gold. I am intensely co-d and a very empathic person and stuck with a person who in the end physically abused me several times and then she finally brought my son into it, getting confrontational with him.... And it was still hard for me to tell her to just leave. I got hoovered, there were suicidal ideations, blame shifting, everything. It was like at the end of the Terminator movie where the dude was getting melted and switched back to all his previous identities to try and save himself. I'm definitely not perfect; and probably triggered the worst in her through my wanting to "fix" her; but in the end, that's not my job. I have to focus on me and just as importantly if not moreso, my son. I wish the best for her, I don't have a hateful bone in my body, and believe we're all God's children and it's His will for all of us...He doesn't make junk. But also, I'm not God. It's not my calling now is it my purpose to give myself to someone like that who isn't ready. God bless everyone on this post and you also for the insight and knowledge sharing. I have your book; very good stuff and it's time to keep walking this journey and learning how to love myself
Very relatable. The more love you give, the more easily you can trigger them.
The first time things get abusive you have to draw a clear boundary. The second time, YOU MUST LEAVE. I wish I’d known this early on.
Thank you so much for this. I just left my bf of 2.5 years, 20 year alcoholic with untreated ptsd from combat, severe abandonment issues, and I'm fairly confident has bpd, who refused to see any of his part in our relationship demis. Lots of blame, gaslighting. The highs and lows were crazy! I know that I have codependent issues and work with a therapist. I am now seeing I have a lot of work to do on myself and discovering and protecting my boundaries. I still have love for my ex, but I know that we can only change ourselves. No contact since breakup and it's been a whirlwind of emotions. Time to learn to love myself. Thank you.
Hey Ashley. I just wanted to thank you. I am a resident psychiatrist and even though I should have known better, I too ignored the red flags for somebody I believed in. Thank you for your insightful video and good luck with your books. /Marco
Great to hear from you Marco. It's easy to overlook and ignore the red flags from someone when we care and believe in them. Looking forward to hearing from you more. That's great that you are a resident psychiatrist. Let me know how you are doing.
You have made a lot of sense. I knew there were issues with him, and his BPD, but also always questioned myself, how have I contributed to this, why am I drawn to this....actually in therapy now, and tried to bring up this subject but didn’t know how....thank you.
It is you who is the borderline, lee. Gaslighting, victim playing borderline betty. Oh yeah, the youtube police never showed up after all that reporting. I was scared to death, didnt sleep a wink..... bahahahaha . Goodnite, porky lololololo haha
Juan Valdez oh my gosh, you are stalking me, coffee boy.....you have issues, leave me alone.
That was months ago, duffie. I had forgot about it, now you reminded me. You must like it.
@@LYoung5525 I bet you ride around in a wheelchair with one leg up and one leg down
I think the first breakthrough I had about my ex was knowing his parents, and imagining him going through behaviors from them that he experienced as a small child. I almost cried thinking about this little boy getting pushed around by neglectful bullies. Ever since then I've instinctually injected compassion into whatever interaction we've had. I get mad at the things he does, but I also realize that he came from TWO people who don't know how to express love in an unconditional way. At least I had my mother. He was alone.
AMEN to this! My Ex would open up and share what he went through as a child , I listened intently, now this BPD, has started to resonate with me, this is some serious sad, depressing stuff, especially when I know in my heart they loved me to the best of their ability 😢
Compassion can be very dangerous in these cases. I am on the exact same page like you guys. But I excuse very bad and hurtful behaviour because I "understand where it comes from". Who has compassion with us though, being the punching bags for their past? 😢 now the souls and bodies of two people hurt.
@@thepineapple8434 so true. I find myself bouncing from one side to the other. I am been compassionate but I'm also wondering if im not also excusing certain behaviors. Its an overwhelming dinamic
Looked up TH-cam videos for help with my symptoms cuz I was feeling vulnerable and suicidal and accidentally watched one about how people with BPD are all evil narcissists to be avoided at all costs. That obviously made me feel better...
Love how everyone supports mental health until they meet someone WITH a mental illness who does or says something "bad" then they vilify us!
@Dr. M. H. Firstly, the people described in this video dont even fit the BPD criteria and are probably misdiagnosed npd or aspd... If they were even diagnosed at all! This is just vilifying a very vulnerable group a people based on missinformation.
It's like saying everyone with schizophrenia is an axe murderer! It's so ignorant!
Having been in treatment for many years with BPD, most borderlines I've met are the sweetest kindest most loving people on the planet. Statistically were much more likely to be abused than be the abuser. And even if we do lash out, it's because we're sick people, not bad people. Bad people think clearly about how what they're doing is bad and don't feel guilty. A borderline would be wracked with guilt and shame and constantly ruminate and wish they could take it back.
@@mezziriggs3873 I second that
@@anthonymartinez2532 And I third it. People with BPD have hearts just the same as anyone else. And most of us are at battle with out emotions much more than those who deal with us. We're not some heartless monsters and that's a fact.
@@mezziriggs3873 I was upset originally after watching some of this video while I was looking for help for my bpd symptoms. It was like an arrow to the heart. I always put others first and care so much to a fault. Not at all the people being described here. Generalizing one group of people as all the same is so harmful. So I agree with you.
I have suffered my whole life a little less stigma would help so much!
Yes! I’m super heart broken right now. I was watching videos about my condition to get a better understanding of it and keep finding people shit talking the disorder. I’m in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life I’m not being abused. Reading the comments made me nauseous.
They blame you for everythign.They cheat and say you cheat.They lie and say you lie.They know your weakneses and throw them back at you in the most awful way.They are not empathic ,they dont feel anything,they are heartless and egoistic human beings.i am totally disguasted from my ex,i dont want to hear anything about him.I feel sorry for the girls he will torture after me,because they dont know in what they will be put in after the initial love bombing.No girl deserve to go through which i did.
This sounds like a narcissist, not someone with borderline.
Yeah you're either talking about a narcissist or a malignant borderline, who usually have comorbid npd or aspd traits. Most pure borderlines, especially quiet borderlines, are not at all how you described.
@Rich Pianas Last Oxy Exactly. Borderlines are the opposite of lacking emotion/empathy.
@@kidacross3344 Exactly.. As a BPD I don't ever cheat on my partner. I more cause them to cheat because i accused them of cheating. If they don't answer my calls or text i start goin crazy in my mind. I have anxiety when im feeling my partner is not giving me enough attention. I find out i have bpd yesterday.
Alexandra asja... went through this for 11 years.... how are you doing now?
I have a best friend with bpd and saying this with no real evidence is just horrible. BPD doesn't make them bad people that's like saying someone with depression is just to sad. It's not always their fault for the break up and if you dont have the fact or just had a bad experience with someone with BPD doesnt mean you get to say that's how it always is. Get your self's together before you try to blame someone.
No offense, but this minimizes the experiences of those who have been romantically involved with those with BPD.
hmmmm - does everything have to be black and white ? i have had been in a couple of relationships with absolutely wonderful women with BPD - it is devastating for both of us - i dont know the statistic - but i am pretty sure there is a decent suicide rate among partners of BPD. one of my former ones did end her own life and i still go visit frequently - These are very painful experiences on many levels - i am trying to help myself because i have almost identical experiences Charles Davis - I am probably older than most people on here I am trying to learn what i can about myself so that i don't go thru this again - but i still feel very very empathetic for my most recent ex - i know she goes through hell - but she unfortunately does not want to do anything about it - she did very well for a while and then decides she is cured - there is nothing you can do for that but pay dearly . The title of this video is Things You Need to Know After a Breakup with someone with BPD , so there are going to be a lot of people on here in different phases of grief - Ideally we can all realize that the abusive BPD is hurting too - but not everyone is going to get there
@@lousunny5682 facts
Thank you SO much for the validation of getting through something like this.
I am currently going through a break up with a BPD , we’ve been together 27 years and everything I heard in this video hurts but it is accurate, I messed up many times because I didn’t know anything about BPD and she’s the one that wants it to be over now. She just got a job and I’m saving money to move out. I need to find a community to assist me through this. I still love her I’m not gonna lie. But I’m trying to except that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore. We have three children together one who is still a minor I’m trying to let her go, but I don’t know how. I need help.
My BPD showed signs of poor emotional regulation on the first date, but I thought I could help “fix” and I would be rewarded with love. How arrogant of me. After eight months of push/pull and verbal abuse, I blocked him from further contact. Exhausted from his screaming at me all the time and then acting if nothing happened. Now just focusing on me and realizing I wasn’t emotionally healthy either. I got lots of work to do.
After a few months i joked how she always passed blame. Little did i realise what was to come.
Ditto
Coming from an environment growing up with a covert narcissist mother, and a father living a double life (one life inside his head and a passive deconnected life in the real world), I ended up severely codependent as an unseen child. Spent all in all 15 years with a silent borderline who in the end trying to destroy me completely during the last 3-4 years, before I, in therapy getting help to understand the situation, managed to leave the relationship (I was suicidal and had reached the rock bottom of my life).
My advice to anyone in a similar situation, once you notice the very clear signs of severe devaluation, and your partner acts as if nothing has changed even when confronting them - JUST LEAVE!! You can't fix them, you can't save the relationship, it will never go back to how it once was, you are on your way out, and the longer you stay and try to fight it, the more damage you will suffer before you're dumped!!! I say it again LEAVE!!!! LEAVE NOW!!!
I spent 4 years in therapy at the end of and after this relationship, and there I learnt about myself, why I have always had "crazy" relationships, and spent years on building myself up, self compassion, learning to be vulnerable, learning to ask for help, and to in the end take care of myself. I live the best life I've ever done now and I am fully focused still on creating the life that I want, take the full responsibility for myself, my emotional life, and have been very careful with relationships, keeping them at arms length until I understood what I wanted and what I didn't want in a dynamics with another person.
Since 3+ years in a long distance relationship with a younger very healthy woman also from a dysfunctional background but who started her journey to build herself up years ago, and is also extremely self aware. We care a lot about each other, without allowing for any level of depletion of our own selves, we keep a 100% transparent conversation about these things and are fully in agreement that there's never any compromise with these things! I love my life today, and have spent so much time these last years picking up my pieces and reconstructed what I really want my life to be about, an ongoing journey that I am very sure will never end, the more I learn, the more I want to learn!!
Being with a borderline was very very painful. After the discard and no contact, it was a massive hole, that still not filled. Was deeply hurtful situation. Still is. Self healing trying to do now. A good video.
This just happened to me...
Why does it hurt so damn much?
Why is "discard and no contact" a part of BPD?
A borderliner fears abandonment. You all know how moody they are! Because of this, they leave first, and put you in victim mode. You can get from a borderline more gifts like gaslighting, blameshifting and flying monkeys. Some go so far that they literally stalk your life or steal your things. The one thing you need to do, don't buy their games in any time.
I love this. I love how it’s letting me acknowledge both sides of the road. I definitely focused on my exs mental health but didn’t know how to approach it because it never felt safe and when I finally did it was out of frustration and anger so it was never productive which contradicted my concern for her wellbeing. Thank you for this
Ashley, Correct on all points.
Ultimately I had to come to terms with my own codependency and lack of boundaries.
Most BPDs will not seek help.
I began to heal two years out. Now three years out I often don't think of her. Sometimes I don't even remember her name.
Actually it's the other way around: most borderlines do seek help.
@@nicorizzo5402, They ALL cry for help; I'll give you that. Most do not enter DBT. Mine refused when I tried to help her.
@@vampireslayer1989 Just because yours did does not mean most do.
@@nicorizzo5402 Some people love to generalize. One means all. Pretty judgemental and shortsighted.
Since we're casting votes mine hasn't either
You are so right and it is too fresh! I have to look at why I ignored of all the red flags from the start. I stayed in too long knowing there was issues and I held out hope I could help him. I have a long way to go.
I take exception to the premise of "shared accountability" with someone found after-the-fact to be manipulative, deceitful and toxic in a loving, caring and beautiful relationship. We can do all the work to self-reflect, look for red flags, consider our boundaries, and review how we were raised, but if we are authentic and they are not, we suffer. What are we supposed to learn from all the pain and anguish except to never trust anyone again? Dont ever fall in love? I dont think you get it and sadly I think you are giving bad advice to good-hearted people who are in pain because they were genuine and the other person took advantage of them. It is not their fault. They didnt hurt anyone. Every relationship has "red flags." You could never fall in love with a healthy partner if you focused on red flags, or if you protect yourself forever with strong boundaries. What boundaries protect you from someone you hold in your arms when they cry, lie beside in bed until you fall asleep, and sit quietly and watch the waves hit the shore, for years, and they can walk away like they never met you. No fight, no argument, no reason, no closure, no goodbye...not a word. Tell me how to move on.
James, I understand your pain, but reading this, and i do not want to sound condescending or harsh, maybe your lesson here is to find closure within yourself and only you can decide to move on. It is absolutely painful I know and accepting that you will never get the answers you seek may mean you maybe have not done the work to release yourself from this pain. Weather you are "healthy" or not, we always have a role in the destruction of a relationship. It is up to you to figure out what yours was. Best of luck to you sir.
Jesse S I appreciate your perspective but it’s easy to project responsibility onto someone else. I hear about self-love and shadow-work as a defense. It’s a shame that a beautiful relationship ends after 2 years when someone ghosts you out of the blue. That is not normal by any definition. If I am so secure and confident that something like that doesn’t bother me, I become no better than them. Be well.
@@jamesgerboc I agree. Just know its them, not you.
Me and my girlfriend broke up again over Christmas, the second Christmas in a row. I have to fly all the way to Spain to talk to her becuase she is so stubborn. She was in therapy and was going well but we ended up repeating a bad cycle. I've not given up on her, I accept her illness, perhaps she will take me back or never talk to me but if you want someone then at least find them and tell them. A borderline fears abandonment so maybe just showing up says a lot.
@@thejourneyofone2425 I think what you are doing is awesome. I understand why your are doing it. But please don’t be shocked if she acts like you never met. That is the most painful experience I ever endured. Wishing you the best.
Thank you for this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Thank you for such clear & refreshing communication around this subject. We are simply mirrors; codependency feeds BPD and NPD, each just getting more severe in union with the other.
As non-BPDs and partners or ex-partners of BPDs, we need to go within and focus on our own self-awareness and growth; What causes us to act codependently in relationships? What's behind our need to feel needed, or fix people? Like she says, what caused us to seek out an unhealthy relationship dynamic in the first place?
We may cling to the borderline for a multitude of reasons: Maybe something in us doesn't feel whole, or maybe we were in an especially vulnerable or fragile state when we attracted this person into our life; maybe we lacked or still lack true self-love. As non-BPDs, when we cling to the BPD to fill an internal void within ourselves, we are also not allowing the BPD the necessary space to develop critical self-awareness and healing on their own.
Developing compassion for the BPDs in our lives has also been a huge part of my personal journey; understanding that they suffer more than most and usually endured childhood traumas worse than others can help us see that they do not actually want to behave this way, as much as it may seem contrary at times of conflict with a BPD. (We all know how cyclical, confusing, and energetically draining this can be).
At the end of the day, each person, whether a codependent or BPD, needs to heal themselves; There needs to be that balance there, and if there is not, a healthy dynamic can never coexist between the two. By opening up this conversation, we are contributing to the de-stigmatization and healing around this subject. Thank you
3 times in 10 yrs same person. I have changed losing you was the worst mistake,love bombed ,cohabitation, devalued,resented,contempt,,blamed for everything, emotional cheating, diacard after a yr or two, replaced instantly, and despised...
Good to hear from you and I am sorry you had to go through this painful experience. Are you still with this person? How are you feeling?
No she cheated and discarded me 2 months ago...@@LifecoachAshleyBerges
People with BPD are able to tell when they are being terrible. We know. We have immense guilt over it. But a lot of us DO seek help. A lot of us want to be amazing mothers, wives, whatever. So we seek help. Though I can’t erase the BPD from my brain, therapy has taught me how to recognize/fix my bad behaviors and has greatly changed my whole life and relationships.
Not everyone is capable of loving/supporting someone with BPD. But I’m super glad I found someone who will. 2 children later and almost a decade of my life spent with this man.
I am still worthy of love, even with my BPD. I do not like that this video implies we are all helpless souls and “normal people” should basically steer clear. I know people who aren’t diagnosed with any mental health issues and are far more damaging than I’ve ever been.
I know, I don't even have BPD but i am *fuming* at this video. This woman is so deeply unempathetic and what she's said here is extremely harmful. I'm very happy for you and your family, and proud of you for working on yourself. I wish you all the best and I'm sorry you had to hear all this bullshit at all
@@agloos8123 thank you for kind words 😊
I am C-BPD & i am functioning & thriving in my life because i choose to walk away from toxic people. I have my moments, but if i feel someone wants to be with me, needs to be emotionally stable.
I feel that a lot of people condemn BPD, even though as long as someone is willing to work on their issues, then no one has the authority to tell you how you will function in life. I am up front with what i have & where i am in my progress. All my dr's & therapist are amazed by my progress & the fact i am constantly holding myself accountable. I make it a point to tell people to call me out if they feel i have overstepped or did something questionable. I am secure in who i am & what i am capable of or not capable of. Relationships take work. Its a TEAM.
This was a solid ass video 👌🏾
Taking responsibility on both sides as you mentioned is so important... I dated someone who was totally avoidant and did not want to take responsibility for ..well not much and even made me feel bad about my abandonment issues which even triggered borderline traits... all I am trying to say that I support what you are saying and the video and I am glad people with BPD are not shown as something negative because at first it came across that way or not being an option to date them if they also take responsibility and try to stabilize themselves with therapy and etc.
With the pandemic and the loss of family I'm just getting around to dealing with the mess of breaking up with my ex who is bpd. Dealing with my codependency has given me new focus so I'm working on forgiving me. Thank you.
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it's a painful feeling but I believe things happen in life it comes as it goes, as it says what doesn't kills makes you stronger.
The problem is that the red flags seem fixable. They’re so illogical that you think if they just see it your way then it will all be solved. You can’t ignore the red flags because they seem so easy to fix.
Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much
It’s the love bomb and the extreme up and down that get you so hooked, run and don’t look back.
Omg..nobody has ever broken it down like this for me before...thank you so much for this, I felt every word deeply and completely!!!
You're most welcome, I'm glad that you're connecting with this video and my content Chrissy!
Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together......❤❤
Wh atsA p p👆him now❤❤
This video is GOLDEN on BPD relationship on TH-cam! She is so great always referring to the problems of the other party. It is so right though so hard to swallow. Red pill. This vid deserves more views and likes!
Thankyou ❤️ I needed to hear this. 5 yrs, and a 4 yr old girl, it got physical, it got messy, it took 2 yrs. I can actually say, I see the cycle for what it is. And I need to focus on loving myself and showing my daughter that love too so we can heal and never be in this kind of horror show Again.
Being in this relationship definitely taught me that I have issues to work on. Every time a relationship ends or begins we all have things to work on.
You are so right, every relationship gives us personal stuff to work on. Great to hear from you.
thanks for mentioning the craving for attention. been there. done that. bought the t shirt. really insightful video.
I hate that she's right.
Thank you for posting this.
Is there an online support group for people who have been in a relationship with BPD? I was finally able to drive her away 2 days ago but I think there are still a lot more I got to learn before I could get back up on my feet and running.
I know your message was from a while ago but, for you or anyone else who needs it, BPDLovedOnes is good
I would like to know the answer to this as well
Can make one if you like
Thank you for providing these insights and support. My relationship and engagement to a borderline woman recently ended when I found out amongst other things that she had been unfaithful. It’s been a brutal experience but you’ve helped me to the focus more on myself, my power, and the importance of self-love instead of my constant lamenting and intellectualization of what went wrong. Thank you.😢
Good to hear from you. Sorry you are going through this experience. Let me know how you are doing. Also let me know if I can help. Finding our personal power is extremely important to moving on.
Y’all BPD folks knows how to ruin a healthy loving relationship . Stay single and stop hurting others
Wow! 3 minutes in, I had to STOP! She offered so much powerful, spot on information, I had to just stop to absorb it again!
Thank you so much, I'm glad it was helpful ❤️
Their is a higher success rate in your relationship if your partner is not personality disordered, borderline relationships are destined for failure from the get go due to their dysfunctional thinking & behaviours patterns, they struggle with interpersonal relationships!!
I wouldn't say that, I have bpd and I've been happily married for 8 years. But I am also in treatment so that is a factor.