We smoke stuff for that , I not hurt any one , I got like like that from iffy people's & didn't recover before I got more ! I think sleeping stuff & strong drink is an option, if I can't get smoking stuff !
My trigger today was someone talking down to me repeatedly and not listening. They were supposed to be training me and helping a client, which they did quite poorly. Her behavior resulted in me feeling hurt and frustrated that I was unheard and shocked that she is able to do this in the workplace. I recognized I was having a reaction and immediately did the daily practice which helped. My big trigger in life is a category I’ll label as “injustice” and my desire for “justice” is long and deep. In my experience people like this woman who triggered me today don’t change. It’s my reaction that needs to change. I am letting go and letting her be how she is even though I am really turned off by her behavior.
This happened to me recently in the workplace as well. I pretty much handled it the way you did. I later found out that this woman has treated others at work similarly. Part of me feels, though, that if no one speaks up, she will continue to feel she has a right to belittle others. Sometimes bullies need to be confronted. No?
I don’t believe all reactions to triggers are bad. I was triggered by a Dr. yesterday that was rude to me and wouldn’t let me even speak. I felt the overwhelming anxiety come over me and then I told him how he was making me feel in an assertive manor. I grew up being a co dependent and in a very abusive and neglected household. So for me to speak up to this man and tell him straight in the eye how I wasn’t comfortable was a huge progress moment for me. I didn’t shrink down from what I was authentically feeling. Yes I was triggered and yes I stuck up for myself! So that was an instance where my reaction to a trigger was completely appropriate. I was feeling the anxiety but I wasn’t going to be walked all over by this man.
I don't think the trigger is so much the problem or that we respond to it. It's how we respond to it. If you did it assertively then that's the key. It's blowing up and allowing the trigger to take us into in place of no return thats more the issue.
Cannot tell you how often I have said and thought, “I want to run away!” Typical response to being overwhelmed by life from someone like me who used to escape with alcohol.
I'm so annoyed today. Every time I visit my parents they victimize themselves verbalizing how they are unsatisfied with parenthood. Each time they do that, I distance myself more. It doesn't matter what I do, it's never enough. Their expectations are unrealistic, like: "I'm depressed because I would like to be the most important person to you as I was when you were a kid". My father often compares the dogs reaction to illustrate how he would like to be seen by their daughters. The reality is that I am the one depressed by listening to this, but it seems that my feelings doesn't matter. I know that if I tried to say what I think, they would use it against me (if they listened at all).
I definitely have the Escape reaction, yet I Freeze and dissociate, go numb, withdraw - as in, take no action whatsoever. This results in me stuffing everything further down and it building up more and more. I've got to get all of this out of me and learn to take positive ACTION as well as to react differently, better regulated so I stop feeling overwhelmed and want to escape, avoid etc
Wow perfect timing. I literally lashed out at the insurance lady on a three way call with my dad cause of the language barrier and he can’t remember or understand his security questions. After that, I called my bf and broke down. Im glad I can address the issues right now.
I've been using " porch" analogy lately Anna described in one of her videos ...basically anything anyone tells me or any of my own strong reactions I keep in "porch" until I'm calm enough to respond to it in a healthy/ adult like way. I've already had success in 2 normally very triggering situations for me, it really works 🤗 I visualise a porch and keep people or my negative thoughts there until I'm ready😊 This channel helps me a lot, Thank you Anna and team❤
Anna, you have helped me so much more than you will ever know, just in the past 6 months since I found your channel! Some videos hit me harder than others, and this was one of them. I am starting to recognize more and more what types of people/situations trigger my wounds. For years, I used to get completely blindsided by strong emotions that seemingly "came out of nowhere". Now that I am understanding what my specific childhood wounds are, I am also understanding why certain things trigger me. My emotions don't come from "nowhere", and I'm not defective for having them! Through videos like this one, I am learning how to recognize in the moment when I am triggered, and how to get myself regulated again. I appreciate your very concrete examples given here, which I can apply to my own life. Thank you!
Oh wow! So my mom's go to line: "you're too sensitive" when I was a child may actually be a result of her neglectful and abusive parenting. Talk about putting things into perspective.
How do you deal with limerant thoughts when you're trying to sleep? My body is tired, and all these thoughts keep popping up in my mind. I just think "what else can I focus my mind on than this fantasy nothing?"
This was an interesting watch. It's been less than 2 months since my husband died - someone who truly loved me and smoothed out my rough edges. I'll just say that the death of a spouse is a trigger lol! Now it's time to move forward... We shall see what the future holds with friends and family...
2 months is a very short amount of time. It’s ok to not be ready to “move forward” for a long time. I know that when you’re in it it can be difficult to know what to do with yourself. I made a lot of weird choices while I was grieving about a romantic relationship that ended with the termination of a pregnancy that I wanted (he vehemently didn’t.) I didn’t know how to exist in the world at that time. I went on a lot of bad dates that ended weirdly because I was behaving oddly. I don’t blame these men for not wanting to date me. I just didn’t know how to exist alone in my disregulated space. It can be very very hard. I hope you know that you’re allowed to be out of it for a long time.
This is definitely me. I suffered CPTSD as a child. I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather. My mother knew about but did nothing to stop it. Through out my life I felt every negative emotion there is. I felt ugly and unworthy of being loved. But I had no idea what was wrong with me…until now. As I watched this video things began to click. In 2011 I met and fell in love with a good man, but as time went on I pushed him away because I felt he really didn’t love me. He became involved in his own little world and I felt he had no time for me. I felt unloved by this man. But I know now that triggers were happening. I did everything you said in this video. I eventually left him. I feel empty inside. I know that it is over for this wonderful man ad me. But I have to concentrate on “ fixing me”. Thank you for this video.❤
The being friends *with* the purpose of being oneself was exactly what solved many issues for me(i found out that no im not an inherently hate-able monstrosity or too embarassing to live,im human LIKE THE OTHERS huzzzaah!!😅) ,also noticing the rising feeling and waiting after the urge to react comes and deliberately change the outcome even if it feels unlike 'usual me'-it feels like literally defeating Satan lol it literally feels like some devil somewhere is really disappointed that i did the non cptsd thing. Oh anna,its the very first time ive experienced 'solving' something whilst not fawning,escaping or having a vague sense that im not being valued or respected even though they got what they wanted. i have values, desires, anger and pleasure points ALL of my own which is scary and freeing at the same time and im not distraught if i have to let go OR work on a relationship (i never worked on anything and thought any work was me compromising unfairly-which was also what id done earlier so was wary.) I have realised that not only was my older sister abusive,my father was self absorbed and emotionally cold/lost so I did teach myself to expect better. i thought i was ugly but now am working on that. ❤❤❤
Could you speak about how to forgive yourself or how to get over it when our behaviour damages relationships? You feel more guilty, more triggered and its an endless loop. And it happens so many times that sometimes its causing depression, sadness. It sets you back. Hard to forgive yourself.
00:00 🧠 Childhood trauma can lead to self-defeating behaviors later in life due to changes in the nervous system's reaction patterns. 04:08 🚨 Triggers set off reactions, which can spiral into self-sabotaging behaviors, but recognizing and managing these reactions is key to breaking the cycle. 09:54 💔 Self-defeating behaviors often stem from overwhelm, fear, and loneliness, prompting escape, control, or cling responses. 16:00 ⛓ The urge to cling, stemming from abandonment wounds, can lead to self-defeating behaviors like staying in toxic relationships or denying true feelings. 19:30 🛠 Healing from self-defeating behaviors involves building emotional resilience and creating space between triggers and reactions.
Thank you for this video. This describes a lot of my behaviors that ruined my marriage and I am so remorseful. I was traumatized sexually by my mother growing up and didn’t start realizing it till the last 2 months. I lost my brother a few years ago, then the next year a traumatic event with my parents, and now I know how bad these events triggered me, and my inner child was flipping out. I got so fearful of being abandoned and became very codependent and clingy to my husband and that pushed him away, I was fear driven on everything, everyone was a threat, crying all of the time, and I lost my marriage. It’s sad what being emotionally deregulated can do to a relationship. I am so thankful to learn the tools you teach to change and be a better person now.
I fired my therapist yesterday. I had too many reasons to feel like she didn't know what she was doing. She was mistreating me. I had to sort through it all to make this decision and know it was the right decision rather than a trauma response to what was not happening in therapy so I am not getting what I'm paying her for, quite the opposite. If this were my car mechanic fucking up my car everytime I took it for an oil change I'd simply switch from Midas to Car X, but since it's bad therapy, I feel like "shaving cream" today. And as often happens, here's Anna hitting my sweet spot with this little 20 minute video with far more help for repairing the damage that therapist did than beginning the slog to locate a real therapist will offer at the moment. I'm in the middle of dysregulation and overwhelm so... Yeah. Very timely video. I'll soon feel well enough to start calling through that list & trying to get past gatekeepers as if I'm trying to sell them life insurance over the phone rather than shopping for products and services I'd like to pay them for. Lord, I'd do anything not to face this feeling, even listen to this video over and over for an hour so I know I really get it. Thanks, Anna!
There’s nothing more satisfying to me than the feeling that we get when we realize “Nope, this is not just me over reacting due to my issues, this person is actually completely in the wrong.” It’s weirdly empowering. I got up and walked out of a therapy session once, but I did it in what some might consider a passive aggressive way. I had just gotten done telling her how excited and happy I was to get back into painting, and without really knowing me at all she interrupted to tell me that was a bad idea and that she knew people who were “real artists” and I wasn’t one and should not cause myself distress by being delusional about being able to do art. Um what? What a crazy thing to say to someone! I knew better than to argue with her about it. I simply nodded and then said “I’m so sorry but I just realized I didn’t put enough money in the meter and don’t want to get a ticket, so I better go. Oh I also won’t be able to make it to next weeks session because I have an appointment. I’ll call to reschedule.” And then never ever saw her again. As much as the interaction bothered me, I also felt that it was true progress that I didn’t let her weird attempt to dissuade me from painting get to me, and that I delt with it immediately and without having to feel the need to confront her. I didn’t owe her a real explanation.
Maybe this is my anxious/avoidant combo but I couldn’t imagine actually doing what I want to do when I’m in an anxious state. I feel that anxiety but I won’t text the person. I personally am working on getting rid of the anxiety because it’s harming myself, but I never act on it. I probably do a lot more self sabotage with the avoidant side of my attachment injuries. But damn that anxious side sucks 😞 I’m in a connection right now and even though he’s told me he likes me and shows it, I still get anxiety if he doesn’t ask me to hang out over the weekend or he doesn’t text me one day… I did have a trigger with him last week & acted in it by leaving his house & basically implying I didn’t want to see him again, but he texted me in the morning reassuring me and asking me for clarity because he didn’t want to lose the connection. We talked it out and it was all good. But I know that can’t happen a lot, because most healthy people will eventually feel like it’s too draining or not worth the emotional labor.
Wow I have had all these reactions and sequences for the past 2 years. Over those 2 years I simply just noticed when they came up, I didn’t make a decision because I didn’t fully understand why or what to do yet. I journal daily so I’ve been getting to the core of them. Thank you for this Ana! ❤
Thank you for this, Anna. My husband of 30 years and I have been struggling, because my reaction is control and his is escape. Communication has broken down, to the point that separation was on the table. We’ve decided that it’s worth working on, so this video comes just as we need it.
This video is right on time! I’m currently overwhelmed and triggered from work, friendships, and a divorce. Sometimes it feels like I will never find the balance between speaking up and staying silent, so it all sits in my nervous system until I explode. But knowing my triggers will help me to more forward with self-awareness and self-control.
Thank you Anna. I first learned about neurological dysregulation on your channel. It blew my mind. I have over time slowly learned to recognize it before it hits me hard, and thanks to you I know that there are ways to change my state 🙏🏻 In addition to the daily practice, i experience that strength- and balance training (combo) is very effective to calm my system. For me, the big signs of dysregulation are consentration- and memory problems and procrastination. Things take a long time to get done even when I do them. After training, I feel uplifted and things are easy to do.
Every Monday I do a teaching video, and every Wednesday and Friday I answer letters. On Sunday I post a compilation. If you are seeking certain kinds of content, read the description under each video which tells you what's inside.
I had to watch this video 3 times through, because you have packed it with so much information which is all spot-on… Thank you for your exceptional work and your dedication. I want to share your channel with my siblings, but I have fear that they won’t receive it well ( coming from a sister)- any suggestions?!👍
I exclusively have the rage response to people that try to control me in any way, including healthcare people even when they aren't actually controlling me in reality. I don't get it that often as I live in wonderful self imposed severe self isolation (I am signed off work due to disability since I was at working age. I refuse services so I can be alone in peace)
I think I’d also be afraid that the friends that all went away on a trip without me would talk about me during the trip, causing the last remaining friend to also ditch me. I think I’d end the friendship due to that fear. Which I don’t think is a totally unfounded fear, BTW. I’m not saying it’s a healthy way to behave. It’s just me being honest about my own behavior in the past. I genuinely don’t think I’d want to remain friends with someone who hung out with people that I got excluded by.
I experienced the second example you gave: I went and spent time with friends last summer after my bf had objected to it despite my inviting him. And now he reminds me this every time there is tension between us. Black and white thinking exactly. I had emotional threats, yes. It's terrible when I did nothing wrong. What you describe speaks loads to me. Thank you 🙏🏻
I’m sitting in my bedroom at a house I rented in part so my sisters, niece, and daughter could be together. My husband and I live in NJ, daughter in Vermont and sisters + niece here in California. We grew up in a traumatized family with a functionally alcoholic father. We’ve had decades of awful family gatherings in part because my married sister has the angriest husband I’ve ever met. He will not talk to me and that has been ok given years of saying abusive things to me and my husband. Anyway my niece (25) has been doing lots of trauma therapy etc and last night at dinner asked multiple questions prompting my daughter to begin crying and I just got up and left the table. (Restaurant). Then my sister her mom who’s a recovering alcoholic got on the phone w her sponsor. Then she told me her sponsor asked why I want a relationship w her husband now when I didn’t before. I never said I didn’t want to have a relationship but I am very scared of him. He’s a large angry man. Anyway now I’m still in bed and trying to get ready to see them. They leave today and I’m concerned a bit for my daughter going back with them. Anyway I needed to hear this. I’m SO triggered. There’s much more to say but will leave this here. I never felt like I mean anything to my family except when they need something. I’ve been extremely generous to both sisters and my nieces. I feel the sisters are in their own family separate then me. Now I feel very numb but need to get myself up and see them all. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼I need a new family and I need to learn to just love me and have being alone being ok.
Dont date people that yell !? What are you going to do then date a door mouse ? Everybody raises their voices at times ? Great video though , my girl friend had complex PTSD and im going through this at the moment..She's always saying shouting or loud noises trigger her, but then she'll initiate an arguement through something that triggered her resulting in us both raising our voices !? This channel is brilliant thanks , shines a light on it all .
A great book and 2-hr audible is Men, Women, and Worthiness. It talks about shame and embarrassment and how we react, and what to do, when you get triggered.
Mine are a combo of overwhelm and loneliness. I get lonely so I try to make friends/date, then the person overwhelms me and I get anxious and try to push them away, but also cling because I'm lonely.
Yep, that’s a classic CPTSD thing, and you’re not alone. Daily Practice can help with regulation, and if you’re looking for more Anna has a longer course, Healing CPTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD You may also like Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection Nika@TeamFairy
I tend to escape even before having a relationship. When i get thé feeling of rejection, judgement i just burn all bridges and escape and block them. And immediately after regret it and start clinging. With no succes obviously
I asked my son to walk out dog and he did but then didn't lock the door after and in the morning I found the front door unlocked and became triggered. My ex husband would often do things, or not do things if i ever had to ask for help, such as leaving me feeling unsafe, or leaving my keys somewhere outside in public
I went on vacation with a friend and fell down-breaking ribs and foot. My friend left me in the foreign country ,to rest She has not responded to me since I got home 3 weeks ago 😢 I lost a good friend to her shame…
The me who was limerent was clingy and possibly controlling, but in my other relationships I don't think I'm clingy. I'm ready to walk away if need be. I'm usually not invested in friendships.
Now I know. It’s not all me. But my wife has serious un managed cptsd . She goes on through life thinking she can fix it all. It only has made me more resentful. As she has caused a lot of harm to myself and the kids & out family security &finances . I have it too most job related. We both are ff medics.
Its exhausting going out with a female with Complex PTSD and it gets worse. .Esp if that oetson knows they got it , but isnt doing anything too sort it and rarely says sorry etc , She can be lovely and so caring, but then she blows up...And ots actually getting worse, becayse im amxious avoidsnt im the kne continusly trying too make it right again,she rarrly says sorry and once she starts she wont let stuff go for days on end.
How does this work when your partner is alcoholic which triggers you from growing up with one. Plus, when you try to remove yourself or get quiet to avoid fighting, they won't leave you alone and are abusive?
It's not behaviours for me, yes I am easily triggered into bad behaviours because people always trigger me the way the tear me down. But no it is people and their lack of compassion towards others particularly women. They do not geniunely care enough about others or at all, they mainly care about themselves. I know no one's perfect but I guess I have to accept a world of self centred people who only care about themselves and lack compassion for others
Anna, this is my exact reaction to this video 🫨 🫨 thank you! something triggered me heavily yesterday and my behavior wasn’t the best response. i had a serious convo about it with my bf this morning on how i have to remain calm in situations when im triggered and communicate what im feeling in that exact moment. what a coincidence that this video was posted today! 💖
Very much appreciate your videos.. Your teaching style is effective.. Compassionate and hopeful. Thank you
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
We smoke stuff for that , I not hurt any one , I got like like that from iffy people's & didn't recover before I got more ! I think sleeping stuff & strong drink is an option, if I can't get smoking stuff !
My trigger today was someone talking down to me repeatedly and not listening. They were supposed to be training me and helping a client, which they did quite poorly. Her behavior resulted in me feeling hurt and frustrated that I was unheard and shocked that she is able to do this in the workplace. I recognized I was having a reaction and immediately did the daily practice which helped. My big trigger in life is a category I’ll label as “injustice” and my desire for “justice” is long and deep. In my experience people like this woman who triggered me today don’t change. It’s my reaction that needs to change. I am letting go and letting her be how she is even though I am really turned off by her behavior.
Injustice bothers me, too.
And me. It really makes me meltdown
@kittyweisman kudos, very nice! Your skill is inspiring 😊 Since that's possibly my biggest trigger, I'm aspiring to handle it just like you did.
This happened to me recently in the workplace as well. I pretty much handled it the way you did. I later found out that this woman has treated others at work similarly. Part of me feels, though, that if no one speaks up, she will continue to feel she has a right to belittle others. Sometimes bullies need to be confronted. No?
Thank you for sharing. ❤ I know what it's like to work with toxic/controlling people.
I don’t believe all reactions to triggers are bad. I was triggered by a Dr. yesterday that was rude to me and wouldn’t let me even speak. I felt the overwhelming anxiety come over me and then I told him how he was making me feel in an assertive manor.
I grew up being a co dependent and in a very abusive and neglected household. So for me to speak up to this man and tell him straight in the eye how I wasn’t comfortable was a huge progress moment for me. I didn’t shrink down from what I was authentically feeling. Yes I was triggered and yes I stuck up for myself! So that was an instance where my reaction to a trigger was completely appropriate. I was feeling the anxiety but I wasn’t going to be walked all over by this man.
See, I agree there. I have done same thing.
I don't think the trigger is so much the problem or that we respond to it. It's how we respond to it. If you did it assertively then that's the key. It's blowing up and allowing the trigger to take us into in place of no return thats more the issue.
Cannot tell you how often I have said and thought, “I want to run away!” Typical response to being overwhelmed by life from someone like me who used to escape with alcohol.
I hear you there. Sober now 👍
❤❤❤❤❤
I'm so annoyed today. Every time I visit my parents they victimize themselves verbalizing how they are unsatisfied with parenthood. Each time they do that, I distance myself more. It doesn't matter what I do, it's never enough. Their expectations are unrealistic, like: "I'm depressed because I would like to be the most important person to you as I was when you were a kid". My father often compares the dogs reaction to illustrate how he would like to be seen by their daughters. The reality is that I am the one depressed by listening to this, but it seems that my feelings doesn't matter. I know that if I tried to say what I think, they would use it against me (if they listened at all).
I definitely have the Escape reaction, yet I Freeze and dissociate, go numb, withdraw - as in, take no action whatsoever. This results in me stuffing everything further down and it building up more and more.
I've got to get all of this out of me and learn to take positive ACTION as well as to react differently, better regulated so I stop feeling overwhelmed and want to escape, avoid etc
Wow perfect timing. I literally lashed out at the insurance lady on a three way call with my dad cause of the language barrier and he can’t remember or understand his security questions. After that, I called my bf and broke down. Im glad I can address the issues right now.
Thank you, Anna talk therapy never worked for me, but your videos made something click within me. Thank you for educating us on childhood PTSD!
Same 💜
I've been using " porch" analogy lately Anna described in one of her videos ...basically anything anyone tells me or any of my own strong reactions I keep in "porch" until I'm calm enough to respond to it in a healthy/ adult like way. I've already had success in 2 normally very triggering situations for me, it really works 🤗 I visualise a porch and keep people or my negative thoughts there until I'm ready😊
This channel helps me a lot, Thank you Anna and team❤
That's amazing! Thank you so much for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
'Porch' sounds great! Especially when it's cold outside 😂 👍🏻
Anna, you have helped me so much more than you will ever know, just in the past 6 months since I found your channel! Some videos hit me harder than others, and this was one of them. I am starting to recognize more and more what types of people/situations trigger my wounds. For years, I used to get completely blindsided by strong emotions that seemingly "came out of nowhere". Now that I am understanding what my specific childhood wounds are, I am also understanding why certain things trigger me. My emotions don't come from "nowhere", and I'm not defective for having them!
Through videos like this one, I am learning how to recognize in the moment when I am triggered, and how to get myself regulated again. I appreciate your very concrete examples given here, which I can apply to my own life. Thank you!
What a lovely comment. Thank you. And I'm happy for you!
Oh wow! So my mom's go to line: "you're too sensitive" when I was a child may actually be a result of her neglectful and abusive parenting. Talk about putting things into perspective.
yeah I got that one too. It's pretty common
Totally.
I started telling myself that 🤦
Hobbies take the place of relationships for me.. And it also works quite well for me...
I am slowly getting better with dysregulation....
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Three groups of responses--urge to cling, urge to control, and escape. I found that very illuminating.
@cathleentownsend - thank you for simplifying! Feels quite manageable with concise verbiage -
How do you deal with limerant thoughts when you're trying to sleep? My body is tired, and all these thoughts keep popping up in my mind. I just think "what else can I focus my mind on than this fantasy nothing?"
This was an interesting watch. It's been less than 2 months since my husband died - someone who truly loved me and smoothed out my rough edges. I'll just say that the death of a spouse is a trigger lol! Now it's time to move forward... We shall see what the future holds with friends and family...
@GL-dm3yc 😢 ssooo sorry to hear this. You are brave, strong and blessed ❤
2 months is a very short amount of time. It’s ok to not be ready to “move forward” for a long time. I know that when you’re in it it can be difficult to know what to do with yourself. I made a lot of weird choices while I was grieving about a romantic relationship that ended with the termination of a pregnancy that I wanted (he vehemently didn’t.) I didn’t know how to exist in the world at that time. I went on a lot of bad dates that ended weirdly because I was behaving oddly. I don’t blame these men for not wanting to date me. I just didn’t know how to exist alone in my disregulated space. It can be very very hard. I hope you know that you’re allowed to be out of it for a long time.
I'm so sorry. But he is still with you, in your heArt. 🙏🏻❤️
I'm so screwed up .....I need to seriously work on this stuff
Me too… didn’t know it until I did. I feel ya. Baby steps.
we ALL are. ❤️
If it helps, I'll reframe this for you a bit: "I'm so screwed up." --> "Something seriously screwed up happened to me."
Me too. Just realizing just how bad my CPTSD was and is.
Believing that we are too broken is also a trauma response.
This is definitely me. I suffered CPTSD as a child. I suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather. My mother knew about but did nothing to stop it. Through out my life I felt every negative emotion there is. I felt ugly and unworthy of being loved. But I had no idea what was wrong with me…until now. As I watched this video things began to click. In 2011 I met and fell in love with a good man, but as time went on I pushed him away because I felt he really didn’t love me. He became involved in his own little world and I felt he had no time for me. I felt unloved by this man. But I know now that triggers were happening. I did everything you said in this video. I eventually left him. I feel empty inside. I know that it is over for this wonderful man ad me. But I have to concentrate on “ fixing me”. Thank you for this video.❤
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Lots and lots of love to you🌸 Wishing you gentleness and healing :) It's possible
The being friends *with* the purpose of being oneself was exactly what solved many issues for me(i found out that no im not an inherently hate-able monstrosity or too embarassing to live,im human LIKE THE OTHERS huzzzaah!!😅) ,also noticing the rising feeling and waiting after the urge to react comes and deliberately change the outcome even if it feels unlike 'usual me'-it feels like literally defeating Satan lol it literally feels like some devil somewhere is really disappointed that i did the non cptsd thing. Oh anna,its the very first time ive experienced 'solving' something whilst not fawning,escaping or having a vague sense that im not being valued or respected even though they got what they wanted. i have values, desires, anger and pleasure points ALL of my own which is scary and freeing at the same time and im not distraught if i have to let go OR work on a relationship (i never worked on anything and thought any work was me compromising unfairly-which was also what id done earlier so was wary.) I have realised that not only was my older sister abusive,my father was self absorbed and emotionally cold/lost so I did teach myself to expect better. i thought i was ugly but now am working on that. ❤❤❤
Could you speak about how to forgive yourself or how to get over it when our behaviour damages relationships? You feel more guilty, more triggered and its an endless loop. And it happens so many times that sometimes its causing depression, sadness. It sets you back. Hard to forgive yourself.
00:00 🧠 Childhood trauma can lead to self-defeating behaviors later in life due to changes in the nervous system's reaction patterns.
04:08 🚨 Triggers set off reactions, which can spiral into self-sabotaging behaviors, but recognizing and managing these reactions is key to breaking the cycle.
09:54 💔 Self-defeating behaviors often stem from overwhelm, fear, and loneliness, prompting escape, control, or cling responses.
16:00 ⛓ The urge to cling, stemming from abandonment wounds, can lead to self-defeating behaviors like staying in toxic relationships or denying true feelings.
19:30 🛠 Healing from self-defeating behaviors involves building emotional resilience and creating space between triggers and reactions.
Thank you
Anna is the best Fairy❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you for this video. This describes a lot of my behaviors that ruined my marriage and I am so remorseful. I was traumatized sexually by my mother growing up and didn’t start realizing it till the last 2 months. I lost my brother a few years ago, then the next year a traumatic event with my parents, and now I know how bad these events triggered me, and my inner child was flipping out. I got so fearful of being abandoned and became very codependent and clingy to my husband and that pushed him away, I was fear driven on everything, everyone was a threat, crying all of the time, and I lost my marriage. It’s sad what being emotionally deregulated can do to a relationship. I am so thankful to learn the tools you teach to change and be a better person now.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I fired my therapist yesterday. I had too many reasons to feel like she didn't know what she was doing. She was mistreating me. I had to sort through it all to make this decision and know it was the right decision rather than a trauma response to what was not happening in therapy so I am not getting what I'm paying her for, quite the opposite. If this were my car mechanic fucking up my car everytime I took it for an oil change I'd simply switch from Midas to Car X, but since it's bad therapy, I feel like "shaving cream" today. And as often happens, here's Anna hitting my sweet spot with this little 20 minute video with far more help for repairing the damage that therapist did than beginning the slog to locate a real therapist will offer at the moment. I'm in the middle of dysregulation and overwhelm so... Yeah. Very timely video. I'll soon feel well enough to start calling through that list & trying to get past gatekeepers as if I'm trying to sell them life insurance over the phone rather than shopping for products and services I'd like to pay them for. Lord, I'd do anything not to face this feeling, even listen to this video over and over for an hour so I know I really get it. Thanks, Anna!
There’s nothing more satisfying to me than the feeling that we get when we realize “Nope, this is not just me over reacting due to my issues, this person is actually completely in the wrong.” It’s weirdly empowering. I got up and walked out of a therapy session once, but I did it in what some might consider a passive aggressive way. I had just gotten done telling her how excited and happy I was to get back into painting, and without really knowing me at all she interrupted to tell me that was a bad idea and that she knew people who were “real artists” and I wasn’t one and should not cause myself distress by being delusional about being able to do art. Um what? What a crazy thing to say to someone! I knew better than to argue with her about it. I simply nodded and then said “I’m so sorry but I just realized I didn’t put enough money in the meter and don’t want to get a ticket, so I better go. Oh I also won’t be able to make it to next weeks session because I have an appointment. I’ll call to reschedule.” And then never ever saw her again. As much as the interaction bothered me, I also felt that it was true progress that I didn’t let her weird attempt to dissuade me from painting get to me, and that I delt with it immediately and without having to feel the need to confront her. I didn’t owe her a real explanation.
Maybe this is my anxious/avoidant combo but I couldn’t imagine actually doing what I want to do when I’m in an anxious state. I feel that anxiety but I won’t text the person. I personally am working on getting rid of the anxiety because it’s harming myself, but I never act on it.
I probably do a lot more self sabotage with the avoidant side of my attachment injuries. But damn that anxious side sucks 😞 I’m in a connection right now and even though he’s told me he likes me and shows it, I still get anxiety if he doesn’t ask me to hang out over the weekend or he doesn’t text me one day… I did have a trigger with him last week & acted in it by leaving his house & basically implying I didn’t want to see him again, but he texted me in the morning reassuring me and asking me for clarity because he didn’t want to lose the connection. We talked it out and it was all good. But I know that can’t happen a lot, because most healthy people will eventually feel like it’s too draining or not worth the emotional labor.
❤ I personally find I have the same reaction in that same situation. That's terrific you both could talk it out. Xx
*BEING INVISIBLE.* And the more I try to exert my existence, the worse things get 😮💨
Wow I have had all these reactions and sequences for the past 2 years. Over those 2 years I simply just noticed when they came up, I didn’t make a decision because I didn’t fully understand why or what to do yet. I journal daily so I’ve been getting to the core of them.
Thank you for this Ana! ❤
Im not being facetious. How are you not trained as a therapist or researcher but know so much more than them?
Thank you for this, Anna. My husband of 30 years and I have been struggling, because my reaction is control and his is escape. Communication has broken down, to the point that separation was on the table. We’ve decided that it’s worth working on, so this video comes just as we need it.
I’m so glad to hear there is hope! Have you both learned the Daily Practice techniques? They can be so helpful for healing conflict.
So helpful. Thank you again
This video is right on time! I’m currently overwhelmed and triggered from work, friendships, and a divorce. Sometimes it feels like I will never find the balance between speaking up and staying silent, so it all sits in my nervous system until I explode. But knowing my triggers will help me to more forward with self-awareness and self-control.
Hey! I'm going through the same stuff rn :'( Do you wanna to talk about it maybe?
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Great video, thank you. I will look into your tools. Appreciate you
This is so helpful!
The urge to escape describes my whole life
This is really helpful thank you ❤
Oh my God, you are the mirror for me now, I can’t stop listening to you thank you Anna 🙏
Thank you. Your videos help me a lot to understand what I am going through. Much love.
So thankful to find u …..on TH-cam… so excited to take ur course….
Thank you for being a part of our community here! Enjoy Anna's course!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna. I first learned about neurological dysregulation on your channel. It blew my mind. I have over time slowly learned to recognize it before it hits me hard, and thanks to you I know that there are ways to change my state 🙏🏻 In addition to the daily practice, i experience that strength- and balance training (combo) is very effective to calm my system.
For me, the big signs of dysregulation are consentration- and memory problems and procrastination. Things take a long time to get done even when I do them. After training, I feel uplifted and things are easy to do.
Wow, I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks so very much for your dedicated share of wisdom xx
You are so welcome!
Nika@TeamFairy
this helped me understand my flight response to the trigger. it brings so much perspective and helps me healing.
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
I like this format. No letter reading and to the point. Please make more videos like these :)
Every Monday I do a teaching video, and every Wednesday and Friday I answer letters. On Sunday I post a compilation. If you are seeking certain kinds of content, read the description under each video which tells you what's inside.
Thank you. This really helped me a lot! And makes so much sense to me. ❤
I'm so glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I had to watch this video 3 times through, because you have packed it with so much information which is all spot-on… Thank you for your exceptional work and your dedication.
I want to share your channel with my siblings, but I have fear that they won’t receive it well ( coming from a sister)- any suggestions?!👍
I'm so glad the video was helpful! Please email us at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com for more specific advice :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I exclusively have the rage response to people that try to control me in any way, including healthcare people even when they aren't actually controlling me in reality. I don't get it that often as I live in wonderful self imposed severe self isolation (I am signed off work due to disability since I was at working age. I refuse services so I can be alone in peace)
I think I’d also be afraid that the friends that all went away on a trip without me would talk about me during the trip, causing the last remaining friend to also ditch me. I think I’d end the friendship due to that fear. Which I don’t think is a totally unfounded fear, BTW. I’m not saying it’s a healthy way to behave. It’s just me being honest about my own behavior in the past. I genuinely don’t think I’d want to remain friends with someone who hung out with people that I got excluded by.
❤ That's so hard. I hate that stuff. I hope you can find the right answer for you x
I experienced the second example you gave: I went and spent time with friends last summer after my bf had objected to it despite my inviting him. And now he reminds me this every time there is tension between us. Black and white thinking exactly. I had emotional threats, yes. It's terrible when I did nothing wrong. What you describe speaks loads to me. Thank you 🙏🏻
Hobbies help me with dysregulation.. Remember the old saying:"An idle mind is The Devil's Workshop."...
I’m sitting in my bedroom at a house I rented in part so my sisters, niece, and daughter could be together. My husband and I live in NJ, daughter in Vermont and sisters + niece here in California. We grew up in a traumatized family with a functionally alcoholic father. We’ve had decades of awful family gatherings in part because my married sister has the angriest husband I’ve ever met. He will not talk to me and that has been ok given years of saying abusive things to me and my husband. Anyway my niece (25) has been doing lots of trauma therapy etc and last night at dinner asked multiple questions prompting my daughter to begin crying and I just got up and left the table. (Restaurant). Then my sister her mom who’s a recovering alcoholic got on the phone w her sponsor. Then she told me her sponsor asked why I want a relationship w her husband now when I didn’t before. I never said I didn’t want to have a relationship but I am very scared of him. He’s a large angry man. Anyway now I’m still in bed and trying to get ready to see them. They leave today and I’m concerned a bit for my daughter going back with them. Anyway I needed to hear this. I’m SO triggered. There’s much more to say but will leave this here. I never felt like I mean anything to my family except when they need something. I’ve been extremely generous to both sisters and my nieces. I feel the sisters are in their own family separate then me. Now I feel very numb but need to get myself up and see them all. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼I need a new family and I need to learn to just love me and have being alone being ok.
I am an Escapey! Thanks for the video! I have been overwhelmed my whole life! Love your work thanks so much
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Dont date people that yell !? What are you going to do then date a door mouse ? Everybody raises their voices at times ? Great video though , my girl friend had complex PTSD and im going through this at the moment..She's always saying shouting or loud noises trigger her, but then she'll initiate an arguement through something that triggered her resulting in us both raising our voices !? This channel is brilliant thanks , shines a light on it all .
A great book and 2-hr audible is Men, Women, and Worthiness. It talks about shame and embarrassment and how we react, and what to do, when you get triggered.
Loud people's voices, yelling, in person or on tv we grew up in iffyness & more is not ok ! enough to do some more ! 💝
Mine are a combo of overwhelm and loneliness. I get lonely so I try to make friends/date, then the person overwhelms me and I get anxious and try to push them away, but also cling because I'm lonely.
Yep, that’s a classic CPTSD thing, and you’re not alone. Daily Practice can help with regulation, and if you’re looking for more Anna has a longer course, Healing CPTSD.
Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD
You may also like Connection Bootcamp -- a course Anna developed -- that provides a structured way to start working on friendships and social life. bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Did not know that, Nika. Thank you for linking the resources! I really appreciate that!
Really good but terrifying as it could Really happen!
I tend to escape even before having a relationship. When i get thé feeling of rejection, judgement i just burn all bridges and escape and block them. And immediately after regret it and start clinging. With no succes obviously
I asked my son to walk out dog and he did but then didn't lock the door after and in the morning I found the front door unlocked and became triggered. My ex husband would often do things, or not do things if i ever had to ask for help, such as leaving me feeling unsafe, or leaving my keys somewhere outside in public
I can so relate to this. Im so clingy.
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
I went on vacation with a friend and fell down-breaking ribs and foot.
My friend left me in the foreign country ,to rest
She has not responded to me since I got home 3 weeks ago 😢
I lost a good friend to her shame…
❤ Wow, what an outcome!
The me who was limerent was clingy and possibly controlling, but in my other relationships I don't think I'm clingy. I'm ready to walk away if need be. I'm usually not invested in friendships.
Now I know. It’s not all me. But my wife has serious un managed cptsd . She goes on through life thinking she can fix it all. It only has made me more resentful. As she has caused a lot of harm to myself and the kids & out family security &finances . I have it too most job related. We both are ff medics.
❤❤❤
I have a crazy desire to cling but with every ounce of my being I choose to escape instead
Its exhausting going out with a female with Complex PTSD and it gets worse. .Esp if that oetson knows they got it , but isnt doing anything too sort it and rarely says sorry etc , She can be lovely and so caring, but then she blows up...And ots actually getting worse, becayse im amxious avoidsnt im the kne continusly trying too make it right again,she rarrly says sorry and once she starts she wont let stuff go for days on end.
At this point in my recovery I don’t the what’s a trigger and what’s a legitimate reaction to someone or something that is upsetting.
We completely understand. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
How does this work when your partner is alcoholic which triggers you from growing up with one. Plus, when you try to remove yourself or get quiet to avoid fighting, they won't leave you alone and are abusive?
Look into the Sinclair method, it might help! It saved me from very severe alcoholism, and the not good person I cpuld be while drunk. Good luck!
@squeegepeegee692 thank you!
Sounds a lot like Codependency.... Trying to control others.....
Seems like Im triggered 24/7.....
We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's not behaviours for me, yes I am easily triggered into bad behaviours because people always trigger me the way the tear me down.
But no it is people and their lack of compassion towards others particularly women.
They do not geniunely care enough about others or at all, they mainly care about themselves.
I know no one's perfect but I guess I have to accept a world of self centred people who only care about themselves and lack compassion for others
With CPTSD, people can be triggering! Anna’s course Connection Bootcamp shows how to work on that. bit.ly/CCF_Connection
Nika@TeamFairy
Please do a video on feeling threatened
Anna, this is my exact reaction to this video 🫨 🫨 thank you! something triggered me heavily yesterday and my behavior wasn’t the best response. i had a serious convo about it with my bf this morning on how i have to remain calm in situations when im triggered and communicate what im feeling in that exact moment.
what a coincidence that this video was posted today! 💖
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy