My problem with socializing in the US is that I don't know where do people socialize here. I am used to the European style of just going around the city center, etc, but here I feel like I need to take the car to even go to a bar, and it feels like the lack of third place basically means that you socialize in other people's houses, like during a bbq, but the problem is that you need to already know people to start to know people.
I've not been out of the US yet but I have to agree with you. There are not a lot of places, especially by me, that you can just go to hang out in. Hell even Barnes and Nobles is changing to be less comfortable to just sit and read a chapter of a book you might get. Third places are really important and healthy, especially in regards to what Geega is talking about.
@@cxedge5672The biggest problem is, those third places are being actively removed from communities everywhere (at least in the US). If you have time to freely gather, then that’s time you could be spending at work or doing something to generate more revenue for your employer. Besides, you might get crazy ideas in your head, like forming (or joining) a union for better wages, better working conditions…things like that. (To be perfectly clear: I believe everyone should have access to third spaces and join their workplace’s union, or help form a union if their workplace doesn’t already have one.)
As an American, I agree. I think the two problems are related as well. You need to drive to go anywhere, so people do it less, especially if they don't have a concrete reason. People don't go to third spaces, so they dissappear. Everything gets worse.
@@justinthompson6364 Yeah the more car dependant an area is, the less accessible its. All of this to say, Geega is right in what she says. There are just other obstacles to try and overcome.
I think "hobby groups" are a natural choice. Personally, I like board games, so I could go to my FLGS; my mom likes hiking, so she joined a FB hiking group and coordinated with people there. (I kinda have the same problem in reverse, as an American living in Finland...)
Allot of social anxiety also comes from the mind being really good at making up stories, so it tends to come up with unpleasant what if scenario's to try and motivate you to avoid it. It's not doing it out of malice or spite, it's just misguided attempts to keep you safe.
Eh, if those what if scenarios actually happen at a high enough percentage you'd stop doing it as well. Ask yourself: where does that social anxiety come from in the first place? It happens because for whatever reason you had a bad experience. Your fault or somebody else's fault (usually your fault). Forget trying to understand why that occurred, you'd be traumatized by it. Best avoid it all together.
And sometimes you need medicine to help with social anxiety and that's okay!! I needed medicine. My nervous system was damaged from extreme cPTSD. My mind would be calm, but my body would physically take the all air out of me. I had extreme cPTSD, was not socialized at all, mute, neglected, wasn't spoken to. I had to teach myself how to human-- and how to communicate. I needed medicine to help me. It took a long time. But eventually -- I got incredibly good at it. It also really helps to be in safer places. 😢 Not all humans are safe to communicate for long with if you're not good at peopling.
The key takeaway I've had is to literally treat life like a game. You have an undisclosed level of "LIFE EXP" based on your interactions in the real world. By doing things and acheiving confidence at one thing one increases one HP, one's Stamina, one's Intelligence so forth and so on and all of it improves your EXP. So wherever you have a debuff one can do "side quests" or just play the game - a side quest world deliberately worlk on a skill - for example, HP would be taking a karate class If you sat with someone and planned these things out you could improve skills over and above your need for meds so that you could slowly and I do mean slowly and under supervised treatment slowly withdraw from them (psychoactive meds because the affect the brain directly have horrendous withdrawals if you do it incorrectly.)
Unironically, I did this by going to Japan. Hella expensive to get there, don't know a lick of japanese, only really had my flight and hotel info booked and scheduled, didn't really know who or what I was going to do. Thankfully the person next to me on the plane there was a really cool person who was going with a group of 6, and was able to meet up with them every now and then. Also meet a handful of really cool people in Osaka, did karaoke with them, did some really fun stuff. You just gotta put yourself out there and take the chances
I think modern times have made super niche interests more accessible online, which is kind of cool to see new ideas get an audience, but these uncommon interests are not catered to as much as say...... go to local sports bar. Regarding the gamers as one example, there used to be the Arcade which was amazing. More recently, I have come across some Virtual Reality places, so people in a city or close to one seeking friendship around a common gaming interest, that might be worth looking into. Larger cities with a big Libary might also host clubs or other events; could be better for people just not into the bar scene.
My city used to have two arcade halls, those went away back in the late 90s. Would love to have an arcade hall, that would be sweet. Just sucks that might need to have it in a larger city, due to it being quite a niche thing outside of places like Japan.
@@siegecraft-y7x Used to go to arcades, they aren't icebreakers at all. If anything you had people being alone together, they weren''t socializing. Better would be an IRL DnD campaign - small group, long game play, snacks, get to meet new people etc.
Having social anxiety (the overthinking part) is essentially a defense mechanism that the brain wants to protect us from potential "danger" that hurt us. Without enough experience, it may be overreacting like an allergy. Also, GenZ's (myself included) are the first generation of people who grew up with technology that gave us much more entertainment than socializing. So of course we'd be underleveled in socializing. I find acknowledging the fact we are generally more underleveled than our older generation is comforting enough to then also acknowledge that we simply just need to do a bit of farming to catch up. I still don't like socializing when I am home, but I can turn my "extrovert mode" on like a switch when I am outside. My mother is like that as well. So it is definitely a skill that can be worked on. I used to despise phone calls, because I forget what to say, what to ask, if I might sound stupid, etc. but after having to self taught a phone job for my father's work, it got easier without me realizing it. I first did it scared, but it got comfortable soon. I honestly felt like I got a superpower compared to my generation. Sure, I say the wrong thing, stutter, forget things from time to time, but that's normal. Also, the other end probably heard it all already, so I tend not to worry. Also, a quick way for me to stop blaming everything on myself is do a quick self-check. My assumption is that everyone who has social anxiety, like me, blame ourselves before even consider others may be in the wrong. So I just ask myself "Was I rude?" "Did I say anything wrong?" If not and the other person is rude, that's their problem. I did my part. Don't blame ourselves for something they did. It is good to be self-aware and check ourselves but correctly assign responsibility is also very important. It can stop us from hitting ourselves in the head for something the others did wrong.
I will say I have found conventions not particularly enjoyable since I can get myself to go there but I go there, I don't really like spending money so I might just grab two games or two comics and then I have nothing to do so I just follow around my relative or call my mom and go home. The convention I had the most fun with was just the one with the most people I already knew so we could participate in an escape room. I feel like it's easy to go outside but it's just there's not really much social interaction that ends up happening. You play video games with others and chat with Pokemon Go but it's not like anyone has any reason to talk to you outside of it. I do think that's the end result trying to and reaching out to friends but no one else does so it's felt like okay I don't know what exactly is left to do.
100%. And some of us have a decade [or even decade(s)] of just disappointment engaging with these things. It's one thing to get rejected by (or even laughed at) "normal people", it's another thing entirely to experience the same sort of thing from what are ostensibly your peers, with similar interests, who have elected to form the same sort of closed-circle cliques that shit on "outsiders".
Personally, the issue for me is a mix of work and convenience. It sounds like (and is) a lot of effort to go out, endure crowds, noises, cultures/interactions you dislike, navigating the layers of socializing to engage & be engaging, all for the hopes of having a good experience. Compare that to the accessibility, comfort and security of being online and doing things at your own pace and with much more control, it just feels and sounds like a lot of things in life - Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. Online you can lurk and live vicariously through other people's interactions, like reading a story or watching a show. You can take your time formulating responses through typing/texting. You can leave or stop watching/engaging if you don't like where things are heading. That said, because so much of reality isn't all 'sunshine and rainbows' and most of us can't afford the luxury of being hikkikomoris 24/7, we sadly do need to have some level of endurance, tolerance, perseverance & willpower to go outside, communicate, get a job and go through bad situations.
You're viewing work like most as a drugery something to avoid. Instead, if socializing is a skill issue then you should be treating life like a game - like Leveling Up. The real issue is people forcing themselves above the level that they're ready for. And I mean level like in playing a video game level. If you breakdown the level you are comfortable at, being at home, then go one level up and have a friend over, and go to their place, but no electronics, just yap person to person and learn to talk to one person directly, Then the two of you add another person and have a trio, then when everyone is fully comfortable add another person and just socialize, don't move up until you can do that level and then move up, one by one until you have a group of close friends. You now levelled up and you have built EXP - for real. Life itself is filled with barriers, and each time you conquer a barrier you will experience something called happiness, trust me as a guy that's been there, real happiness acheived when you overcome a life barrier is sooo awesome, once it's conquered, a skill is literally unlocked. Now you may think I'm BSing you but you won't know until you try it
Geega is right. When I was growing up I had social anxiety. I did what Geega said to do by faking it until I made it. Eventually you will grow both comfortable and confident in yourself.
Also reminder for anyone who's decided to try this out and the first few times were uncomfortable... Yes, it will remain uncomfortable, and your skills will get rusty if you haven't used them in a while (I'm an older dude who's just introverted, and after lockdown I meet up with friends I've known for decades and still feel the anxiety somewhat). But it's not just that you'll get better at socialising, you also get better at handling the discomfort and knowing when it's fine to ignore that mental alarm. Like, if you fell and scrapped your knee at 3 years old, it's probably one of the worst things to ever happen to you at that point. Get the same at 30? "Aww shit, I need to get this cleaned up. Ouch but it's nothing I haven't handled before." Or in gaming terms, your starting class have elemental weakness and IRL are stages with level/damage checks. But once you get enough levels in, you'll be able to manage it. Incoming damage is the same, your damage reduction, regen and HP pool are just much better at shrugging it off (and even if you're fighting a boss, you know that big hit is just going to take 20% of your health, not 60%). Sure, you can choose to remain in the current area, but you'll be underlevelled and you don't get to explore the cool new stuff in the newer areas. And the current area doesn't change much, unsurprisingly it's going to get boring after a while. Or in boomer terms, "grow a thicker skin".
it's simple but not easy. sure, i 'just' have to go where people are. but then i have to deal with an internal meltdown after i say something stupid. and yes, it gets easier with experience, but that doesn't mean it's easy for me right now.
A lot of people don't like the idea of agency. That 90% of your problems are your responsibility. May not be your fault all the time, but it doesnt matter because no one is going to do it for you.
Well, agency is both a skill and a measurable brain chemical thing. If you got ADHD, your executive functioning abilities are straight up impeded. It's agency, and while you can train it to be stronger, you need to have some to make yourself train it.
@YukonHexsun having agency means having free will, that you have influence over your life. Even with things stacked against you, i believe everyone can make their situation at least a little better.
Oh absolutly. People just get stunlocked by responsibility or complete freedom. But at the end of the day, things only happen in the world because someone put in work to do or make something. As people continue to live in the world they will eventually be pushed into a situation where they are the ultimate authority over a decision and you can no longer just push it onto someone else. At the end of nier automata, one of the characters says "Life is just a constant stream of embarrassment" and I think it's pretty true. People just need to live life.
@@Beastjon21 That is... 100% incorrect. The entire reason we classify these things as disorders and disabilities is because they directly, and actively, prevent you from doing that. The more interesting part is that when you look back, these aren't new problems. In the past, people were just ostracized until they "mysteriously" died young. The fact that we actually know people have these issues is some evidence that we've progressed. The fact that we're downplaying it and trying to return to the bad old days of people downing a bottle of arsenic or valium or whatever is the actual problem.
@@RvLeshrac I completely understand that disabilities hinder you from doing things, but most people dont have those disabilities. If someone has social anxiety does that change the fact they are lonely? Is it other peoples responsibility to become their friend? If you want something you have to put in the work to get it.
I'm being a little glib here, but just get out there! I've had agoraphobia for years, but I still go to cons and other things. Be head empty, say yes, go to the thing, and don't think.
Throw shit at the wall. Be awkward. Tally the results. Eventually you'll start to put together a rubric of what does and doesn't work. Keep using those skill crutches, and at some point they'll no longer be crutches. For boomers, they locked in to the fact that talking about the weather was a fantastic crutch. Maybe it still is, maybe it isn't. Find out. There's a cringey period of my life where I literally used the same openers, the same conversations, with multiple people, sometimes the same person, because I knew it was an easy icebreaker. The fact that I can look back and cringe, is an improvement. At the time, they were my *only* tools to attempt a connection, a drowning man latching on to a buoy in a sea of not knowing how to socialize. Then I figured out more. And more. And suddenly the sea is not so deep, with all the tools I've figured out. (I still do repeat conversations, mind) Some of us will have extra difficulty modifiers. Maybe they need medication to even get to the starting line. Maybe they have extra shitty childhoods that put them in the negatives. Maybe its a disability, a mental issue, whatnot. At the end of the day, unless you're already socialized, you'll still have to hit the phase where you need to start throwing shit at the wall to learn, sooner or later.
Go out and let recognizing the anxiety be the goal at first. If you think of it like, "I want to study human behavior and see how and when the anxious feeling starts, and if it ever ends," then it will be easier to separate yourself from it and just watch it. Then its like a victory when you can point to the moment you felt it, and if it ended, instead of being in it. What I've found is the anxious feeling is always before, never as strong during and by the end you have acclimated to the environment enough to look around and thing about other things. If you're anxious about talking to people, again think about it as a study of other humans. No matter if you say something dumb or something falls flat, just take a note of how they talk, how their face moves, what their body language is doing. Just take it as data points, maybe write about it when you get home. Think about it like you're studying a cat or dog. You wouldn't be nervous to interact around an animal and study their reaction, so stop treating human's like they are anything more than apes.
The craziest part is that a human being saying that they have social anxiety is like a fish saying it doesn't know how to swim. The key part here, however, is that said fish has been left in the shallows that are barely deep enough to even move. Demand the water back, then you can learn how to swim again.
No can do bruh. I care about exactly the things I'm interested in and have literally level 0 social skills to get a conversation going to the point where I could find out if they're also into that shit. I'm not even gonna try at this point.
Very few people have clinical social anxiety. It really is a skill issue now for most people. And people just being pansies and full of Brainrot. Professional victims.
Such a shallow take, omg. While going out and confront things is a cool message, it is not really an answer, if you don't have proper tools to do so. Like, any person who had moderate to extreme level of social anxiety, know that is difficult to just 'go out', and calling them 'weak' is such arrogant thing to say. She have this attitude of mean, career woman.
@@talkingtakotaco8611 @talkingtakotaco8611 There is plethora of psychotherapic methods to reduce anxiety, assertiveness and social skills training, desentinization, meditation, even medicating to reduce it to level where you can interaction to extent. My point is if don't know how to overcome anxiety - you just go to the public, either understand that you babling like an idiot, will be too embarrased to talk and return to your (wo)mancave with feeling of inadequacy and shame, not to try it again. Worst case - you get panic attack or something of the sort.
@talkingtakotaco8611 There is plethora of psychotherapic methods to reduce anxiety, assertiveness and social skills training, desentinization, meditation, even medicating to reduce it to level where you can interaction to extent. My point is if don't know how to overcome anxiety - you just go to the public, either understand that you babling like an idiot, will be too embarrased to talk and return to your (wo)mancave with feeling of inadequacy and shame. In worst case, you just get anxiety / panic attack. Advice 'just go, bro' is no advice at all, born out of lacking understanding of these things (which she admitted, being social butterfly all her life).
where did geega call anyone weak for seriously struggling? it seems she was speaking in the context of those who become complacent and unbothered with putting themselves down -- it is a little arrogant to say though, sure, she likely lacks experience there. of course social anxiety at moderate to extreme levels can be and IS debilitating, and requires some support and explicit exploration of getting used to socializing, but eventually certain wheels do have to come off in order for that initial vulnerability to be accepted; i can say that from experience. i was so sheltered and terrified i could barely finish a sentence. there's brain chemistry that really does click into place once you've adjusted to conversation enough. geega also said herself that it's a fine balance between being open and keeping yourself together when starting out with casual conversation. any effort is good effort when learning is a teamwork thing between supporter and supported -- it's being in touch with yourself AND with outside input. i don't think she was talking about EVERY case including severe cases either -- the context was moderate to below-moderate cases. i might be very wrong though!
My problem with socializing in the US is that I don't know where do people socialize here. I am used to the European style of just going around the city center, etc, but here I feel like I need to take the car to even go to a bar, and it feels like the lack of third place basically means that you socialize in other people's houses, like during a bbq, but the problem is that you need to already know people to start to know people.
I've not been out of the US yet but I have to agree with you. There are not a lot of places, especially by me, that you can just go to hang out in. Hell even Barnes and Nobles is changing to be less comfortable to just sit and read a chapter of a book you might get. Third places are really important and healthy, especially in regards to what Geega is talking about.
@@cxedge5672The biggest problem is, those third places are being actively removed from communities everywhere (at least in the US).
If you have time to freely gather, then that’s time you could be spending at work or doing something to generate more revenue for your employer. Besides, you might get crazy ideas in your head, like forming (or joining) a union for better wages, better working conditions…things like that.
(To be perfectly clear: I believe everyone should have access to third spaces and join their workplace’s union, or help form a union if their workplace doesn’t already have one.)
As an American, I agree. I think the two problems are related as well. You need to drive to go anywhere, so people do it less, especially if they don't have a concrete reason. People don't go to third spaces, so they dissappear. Everything gets worse.
@@justinthompson6364 Yeah the more car dependant an area is, the less accessible its. All of this to say, Geega is right in what she says. There are just other obstacles to try and overcome.
I think "hobby groups" are a natural choice. Personally, I like board games, so I could go to my FLGS; my mom likes hiking, so she joined a FB hiking group and coordinated with people there.
(I kinda have the same problem in reverse, as an American living in Finland...)
Allot of social anxiety also comes from the mind being really good at making up stories, so it tends to come up with unpleasant what if scenario's to try and motivate you to avoid it. It's not doing it out of malice or spite, it's just misguided attempts to keep you safe.
Eh, if those what if scenarios actually happen at a high enough percentage you'd stop doing it as well. Ask yourself: where does that social anxiety come from in the first place? It happens because for whatever reason you had a bad experience. Your fault or somebody else's fault (usually your fault). Forget trying to understand why that occurred, you'd be traumatized by it. Best avoid it all together.
@@LiveTypeyou make a good point, however sometimes it's worth the risk. Sometimes
I'm afraid that she read me like a book.
And sometimes you need medicine to help with social anxiety and that's okay!!
I needed medicine.
My nervous system was damaged from extreme cPTSD. My mind would be calm, but my body would physically take the all air out of me.
I had extreme cPTSD, was not socialized at all, mute, neglected, wasn't spoken to. I had to teach myself how to human-- and how to communicate. I needed medicine to help me. It took a long time. But eventually -- I got incredibly good at it. It also really helps to be in safer places. 😢 Not all humans are safe to communicate for long with if you're not good at peopling.
The key takeaway I've had is to literally treat life like a game. You have an undisclosed level of "LIFE EXP" based on your interactions in the real world. By doing things and acheiving confidence at one thing one increases one HP, one's Stamina, one's Intelligence so forth and so on and all of it improves your EXP. So wherever you have a debuff one can do "side quests" or just play the game - a side quest world deliberately worlk on a skill - for example, HP would be taking a karate class
If you sat with someone and planned these things out you could improve skills over and above your need for meds so that you could slowly and I do mean slowly and under supervised treatment slowly withdraw from them (psychoactive meds because the affect the brain directly have horrendous withdrawals if you do it incorrectly.)
Unironically, I did this by going to Japan. Hella expensive to get there, don't know a lick of japanese, only really had my flight and hotel info booked and scheduled, didn't really know who or what I was going to do. Thankfully the person next to me on the plane there was a really cool person who was going with a group of 6, and was able to meet up with them every now and then. Also meet a handful of really cool people in Osaka, did karaoke with them, did some really fun stuff. You just gotta put yourself out there and take the chances
I think modern times have made super niche interests more accessible online, which is kind of cool to see new ideas get an audience, but these uncommon interests are not catered to as much as say...... go to local sports bar. Regarding the gamers as one example, there used to be the Arcade which was amazing. More recently, I have come across some Virtual Reality places, so people in a city or close to one seeking friendship around a common gaming interest, that might be worth looking into. Larger cities with a big Libary might also host clubs or other events; could be better for people just not into the bar scene.
My city used to have two arcade halls, those went away back in the late 90s. Would love to have an arcade hall, that would be sweet. Just sucks that might need to have it in a larger city, due to it being quite a niche thing outside of places like Japan.
An arcade would be a great icebreaker.
Wish those kinds of places still existed.
@@siegecraft-y7x Used to go to arcades, they aren't icebreakers at all. If anything you had people being alone together, they weren''t socializing. Better would be an IRL DnD campaign - small group, long game play, snacks, get to meet new people etc.
Having social anxiety (the overthinking part) is essentially a defense mechanism that the brain wants to protect us from potential "danger" that hurt us. Without enough experience, it may be overreacting like an allergy. Also, GenZ's (myself included) are the first generation of people who grew up with technology that gave us much more entertainment than socializing. So of course we'd be underleveled in socializing. I find acknowledging the fact we are generally more underleveled than our older generation is comforting enough to then also acknowledge that we simply just need to do a bit of farming to catch up.
I still don't like socializing when I am home, but I can turn my "extrovert mode" on like a switch when I am outside. My mother is like that as well. So it is definitely a skill that can be worked on.
I used to despise phone calls, because I forget what to say, what to ask, if I might sound stupid, etc. but after having to self taught a phone job for my father's work, it got easier without me realizing it. I first did it scared, but it got comfortable soon. I honestly felt like I got a superpower compared to my generation. Sure, I say the wrong thing, stutter, forget things from time to time, but that's normal. Also, the other end probably heard it all already, so I tend not to worry.
Also, a quick way for me to stop blaming everything on myself is do a quick self-check. My assumption is that everyone who has social anxiety, like me, blame ourselves before even consider others may be in the wrong. So I just ask myself "Was I rude?" "Did I say anything wrong?" If not and the other person is rude, that's their problem. I did my part. Don't blame ourselves for something they did. It is good to be self-aware and check ourselves but correctly assign responsibility is also very important. It can stop us from hitting ourselves in the head for something the others did wrong.
I will say I have found conventions not particularly enjoyable since I can get myself to go there but I go there, I don't really like spending money so I might just grab two games or two comics and then I have nothing to do so I just follow around my relative or call my mom and go home. The convention I had the most fun with was just the one with the most people I already knew so we could participate in an escape room.
I feel like it's easy to go outside but it's just there's not really much social interaction that ends up happening. You play video games with others and chat with Pokemon Go but it's not like anyone has any reason to talk to you outside of it.
I do think that's the end result trying to and reaching out to friends but no one else does so it's felt like okay I don't know what exactly is left to do.
100%. And some of us have a decade [or even decade(s)] of just disappointment engaging with these things. It's one thing to get rejected by (or even laughed at) "normal people", it's another thing entirely to experience the same sort of thing from what are ostensibly your peers, with similar interests, who have elected to form the same sort of closed-circle cliques that shit on "outsiders".
Personally, the issue for me is a mix of work and convenience.
It sounds like (and is) a lot of effort to go out, endure crowds, noises, cultures/interactions you dislike, navigating the layers of socializing to engage & be engaging, all for the hopes of having a good experience. Compare that to the accessibility, comfort and security of being online and doing things at your own pace and with much more control, it just feels and sounds like a lot of things in life - Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
Online you can lurk and live vicariously through other people's interactions, like reading a story or watching a show. You can take your time formulating responses through typing/texting. You can leave or stop watching/engaging if you don't like where things are heading.
That said, because so much of reality isn't all 'sunshine and rainbows' and most of us can't afford the luxury of being hikkikomoris 24/7, we sadly do need to have some level of endurance, tolerance, perseverance & willpower to go outside, communicate, get a job and go through bad situations.
You're viewing work like most as a drugery something to avoid. Instead, if socializing is a skill issue then you should be treating life like a game - like Leveling Up.
The real issue is people forcing themselves above the level that they're ready for. And I mean level like in playing a video game level.
If you breakdown the level you are comfortable at, being at home, then go one level up and have a friend over, and go to their place, but no electronics, just yap person to person and learn to talk to one person directly, Then the two of you add another person and have a trio, then when everyone is fully comfortable add another person and just socialize, don't move up until you can do that level and then move up, one by one until you have a group of close friends. You now levelled up and you have built EXP - for real.
Life itself is filled with barriers, and each time you conquer a barrier you will experience something called happiness, trust me as a guy that's been there, real happiness acheived when you overcome a life barrier is sooo awesome, once it's conquered, a skill is literally unlocked.
Now you may think I'm BSing you but you won't know until you try it
Geega is right. When I was growing up I had social anxiety. I did what Geega said to do by faking it until I made it. Eventually you will grow both comfortable and confident in yourself.
Also reminder for anyone who's decided to try this out and the first few times were uncomfortable... Yes, it will remain uncomfortable, and your skills will get rusty if you haven't used them in a while (I'm an older dude who's just introverted, and after lockdown I meet up with friends I've known for decades and still feel the anxiety somewhat). But it's not just that you'll get better at socialising, you also get better at handling the discomfort and knowing when it's fine to ignore that mental alarm. Like, if you fell and scrapped your knee at 3 years old, it's probably one of the worst things to ever happen to you at that point. Get the same at 30? "Aww shit, I need to get this cleaned up. Ouch but it's nothing I haven't handled before."
Or in gaming terms, your starting class have elemental weakness and IRL are stages with level/damage checks. But once you get enough levels in, you'll be able to manage it. Incoming damage is the same, your damage reduction, regen and HP pool are just much better at shrugging it off (and even if you're fighting a boss, you know that big hit is just going to take 20% of your health, not 60%). Sure, you can choose to remain in the current area, but you'll be underlevelled and you don't get to explore the cool new stuff in the newer areas. And the current area doesn't change much, unsurprisingly it's going to get boring after a while.
Or in boomer terms, "grow a thicker skin".
it's simple but not easy. sure, i 'just' have to go where people are. but then i have to deal with an internal meltdown after i say something stupid. and yes, it gets easier with experience, but that doesn't mean it's easy for me right now.
A lot of people don't like the idea of agency. That 90% of your problems are your responsibility. May not be your fault all the time, but it doesnt matter because no one is going to do it for you.
Well, agency is both a skill and a measurable brain chemical thing. If you got ADHD, your executive functioning abilities are straight up impeded. It's agency, and while you can train it to be stronger, you need to have some to make yourself train it.
@YukonHexsun having agency means having free will, that you have influence over your life. Even with things stacked against you, i believe everyone can make their situation at least a little better.
Oh absolutly. People just get stunlocked by responsibility or complete freedom. But at the end of the day, things only happen in the world because someone put in work to do or make something. As people continue to live in the world they will eventually be pushed into a situation where they are the ultimate authority over a decision and you can no longer just push it onto someone else.
At the end of nier automata, one of the characters says "Life is just a constant stream of embarrassment" and I think it's pretty true. People just need to live life.
@@Beastjon21 That is... 100% incorrect. The entire reason we classify these things as disorders and disabilities is because they directly, and actively, prevent you from doing that.
The more interesting part is that when you look back, these aren't new problems. In the past, people were just ostracized until they "mysteriously" died young. The fact that we actually know people have these issues is some evidence that we've progressed.
The fact that we're downplaying it and trying to return to the bad old days of people downing a bottle of arsenic or valium or whatever is the actual problem.
@@RvLeshrac I completely understand that disabilities hinder you from doing things, but most people dont have those disabilities. If someone has social anxiety does that change the fact they are lonely? Is it other peoples responsibility to become their friend? If you want something you have to put in the work to get it.
I'm being a little glib here, but just get out there! I've had agoraphobia for years, but I still go to cons and other things. Be head empty, say yes, go to the thing, and don't think.
Throw shit at the wall. Be awkward. Tally the results. Eventually you'll start to put together a rubric of what does and doesn't work. Keep using those skill crutches, and at some point they'll no longer be crutches. For boomers, they locked in to the fact that talking about the weather was a fantastic crutch. Maybe it still is, maybe it isn't. Find out.
There's a cringey period of my life where I literally used the same openers, the same conversations, with multiple people, sometimes the same person, because I knew it was an easy icebreaker. The fact that I can look back and cringe, is an improvement. At the time, they were my *only* tools to attempt a connection, a drowning man latching on to a buoy in a sea of not knowing how to socialize. Then I figured out more. And more. And suddenly the sea is not so deep, with all the tools I've figured out. (I still do repeat conversations, mind)
Some of us will have extra difficulty modifiers. Maybe they need medication to even get to the starting line. Maybe they have extra shitty childhoods that put them in the negatives. Maybe its a disability, a mental issue, whatnot. At the end of the day, unless you're already socialized, you'll still have to hit the phase where you need to start throwing shit at the wall to learn, sooner or later.
Geega once again dropping gems of knowledge
Go out and let recognizing the anxiety be the goal at first. If you think of it like, "I want to study human behavior and see how and when the anxious feeling starts, and if it ever ends," then it will be easier to separate yourself from it and just watch it. Then its like a victory when you can point to the moment you felt it, and if it ended, instead of being in it. What I've found is the anxious feeling is always before, never as strong during and by the end you have acclimated to the environment enough to look around and thing about other things.
If you're anxious about talking to people, again think about it as a study of other humans. No matter if you say something dumb or something falls flat, just take a note of how they talk, how their face moves, what their body language is doing. Just take it as data points, maybe write about it when you get home. Think about it like you're studying a cat or dog. You wouldn't be nervous to interact around an animal and study their reaction, so stop treating human's like they are anything more than apes.
I hate talking to unsocialized ppl which is unfortunately and realistically most of the interactions you get online.
The craziest part is that a human being saying that they have social anxiety is like a fish saying it doesn't know how to swim. The key part here, however, is that said fish has been left in the shallows that are barely deep enough to even move.
Demand the water back, then you can learn how to swim again.
This is like a HealthygamerGG video but with less neuroscience.
No can do bruh.
I care about exactly the things I'm interested in and have literally level 0 social skills to get a conversation going to the point where I could find out if they're also into that shit.
I'm not even gonna try at this point.
Not to mention it'd be a bit of a TPO violation in my mind anyway to pull someone aside in public and question them about old VN lore.
Then don't cry about being alone when it finally becomes too much to handle.
Very few people have clinical social anxiety. It really is a skill issue now for most people. And people just being pansies and full of Brainrot. Professional victims.
Such a shallow take, omg.
While going out and confront things is a cool message, it is not really an answer, if you don't have proper tools to do so. Like, any person who had moderate to extreme level of social anxiety, know that is difficult to just 'go out', and calling them 'weak' is such arrogant thing to say. She have this attitude of mean, career woman.
Well, what else would you do?
Then stay in your rut. Its no one elses responsibility.
@@talkingtakotaco8611 @talkingtakotaco8611 There is plethora of psychotherapic methods to reduce anxiety, assertiveness and social skills training, desentinization, meditation, even medicating to reduce it to level where you can interaction to extent.
My point is if don't know how to overcome anxiety - you just go to the public, either understand that you babling like an idiot, will be too embarrased to talk and return to your (wo)mancave with feeling of inadequacy and shame, not to try it again.
Worst case - you get panic attack or something of the sort.
@talkingtakotaco8611 There is plethora of psychotherapic methods to reduce anxiety, assertiveness and social skills training, desentinization, meditation, even medicating to reduce it to level where you can interaction to extent.
My point is if don't know how to overcome anxiety - you just go to the public, either understand that you babling like an idiot, will be too embarrased to talk and return to your (wo)mancave with feeling of inadequacy and shame. In worst case, you just get anxiety / panic attack.
Advice 'just go, bro' is no advice at all, born out of lacking understanding of these things (which she admitted, being social butterfly all her life).
where did geega call anyone weak for seriously struggling? it seems she was speaking in the context of those who become complacent and unbothered with putting themselves down -- it is a little arrogant to say though, sure, she likely lacks experience there.
of course social anxiety at moderate to extreme levels can be and IS debilitating, and requires some support and explicit exploration of getting used to socializing, but eventually certain wheels do have to come off in order for that initial vulnerability to be accepted; i can say that from experience. i was so sheltered and terrified i could barely finish a sentence. there's brain chemistry that really does click into place once you've adjusted to conversation enough. geega also said herself that it's a fine balance between being open and keeping yourself together when starting out with casual conversation. any effort is good effort when learning is a teamwork thing between supporter and supported -- it's being in touch with yourself AND with outside input.
i don't think she was talking about EVERY case including severe cases either -- the context was moderate to below-moderate cases. i might be very wrong though!