Ways I Disrespected and Hurt My Husband
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ก.ย. 2024
- Ways I Disrespected and Hurt My Husband blog post:
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You are such a blessing to me thank you for your transparency
When I first saw all of my sin, I didn't want anyone to know about it. But God showed me He can redeem it to help others, so I'm fine with sharing if it can be a blessing.
Such a great message. Ladies, listen to this! My story is just about 75% the same...belittling, critical, etc. I didn't curse at my husband either but those things were extremely damaging. I couldn't see myself until he left. I had to repent. We are currently in repair and our communication greatly improved. God's Word is true.
Sherese James-Grow - I am so very sorry that you weren't able to see what was happening until he left. Praise God that you did repent and that y'all are working on healing with the Lord's help. Yes! I sure wish I had understood His Word and wisdom 27 years ago when we first got married!
Often women act like this because of what they're taught by other women, using the leverage of "he can never put his hands on me no matter what" and meanwhile men have to accommodate that. But best belive if I was harshly and scornfully talked down to by another man it's gonna be a fight eventually. Women just take full advantage of this dynamic.
This made me cry (I read the blog post as I absorb information better through reading). Your brutal honesty about yourself is so rare. Your willingness to open up so much really touched me (that's why I cried). God bless you, April!
In 2008 after God showed me this stuff, I didn't want anyone to know about all my sin. Of course, everyone who knew me could see it. I was the only one who couldn't. Now, it is a way that I can share the power of Jesus with others, to show what a mess I was and how He was willing to heal and change me and continues to do that even to this day.
I'm so glad that this video was a blessing to you. I think that many, many women are in this same boat today and don't realize it.
Much love in Christ!
I have a similar issue that you talk about. I realized years ago, with a former boyfriend who was very passive, that being a good "debater" or argumentative didn't make me wiser than him. It was a humbling experience because I really chipped away at his self-esteem. That was 25 years ago. God is still working on my need for control in my marriage of 20 years (to a different man). Thank goodness our God is so loving & patient.
Amandazplace - I can definitely relate. I thought Greg was so big and tough and strong that my words couldn't hurt him. But they did. Deeply. I'm so thankful God is willing to help us learn and grow and that He is able to heal and transform us to be more like Jesus. PRAISE GOD for His patience, love, mercy, grace, and kindness! We need Him!
This. Is. So. Humbling. You are such a wonderful example of humility and I appreciate you sharing. It's truly a blessing and a strong witness to see how God has changed you and opened your eyes! I'm 21. My husband and I are soon approaching our third anniversary and while I've been watching your videos for awhile now this one struck a cord with me... I have been so selfish and controlling. Even when I choose to act 'good' it's manipulative in manner. And even sometimes going beyond the subtle ways you mentioned. Oh thankyou for this dear sister in Christ! Please if you get a chance to see this, pray for me in this. Specifically that I would follow God above all else, be obedient to Him when others around me aren't, and grow in my walk with Him without any earthly motive!
Emma James- I needed a godly mentoring wife to share these things with me 27 years ago the summer we first got married. But I didn't have a mentor. We didn't learn about this stuff in church. I didn't have Christian friends who could explain this to me or confront me. My husband didn't tell me I was hurting him, which I expected him to.
It is humbling to see our sin. I know when God did answer my prayers in 2008 and revealed it all to me, I was completely mortified. I had no idea how wretched of a sinner I was until that moment.
Yes, on our own, God says our attempts at righteousness look like "filthy, bloody menstrual rags" before Him (Isaiah 64:6). We can't do anything holy or good in our old nature. It's all filled with wrong motives and ugliness.
We need Jesus to cleanse us and purify our motives and give us His power to do good things. That is the only way for us to have any goodness in us.
I will absolutely pray for you right now.
Lord,
Thank you for Emma James. Thank You for her faith in You and for her husband and marriage. We invite You to do absolutely everything You want to do in her life. Please help her be sensitive to Your voice. Help her be willing to repent from anything that dishonors You and grieves Your heart. Cleanse and purify her by the power of Jesus' blood. Help her to die to her old self and live in the new nature You give her. Help her yield to Your Spirit's control and make her life fruitful, a great blessing to her husband and family. Use her life for Your greatest glory! Help her to walk in Your ways even if she is the only one. Let her seek to please and honor You far above anything or anyone else.
Amen!
Your videos gracefully convict me. God bless you, April!
I'm thankful for the chance to share the treasures of Christ with my sisters. I needed someone to share these things with me years ago. Blessings!
@@AprilCassidy While I’m grateful you are sharing, I wish I seen this sooner. I am currently praying for restoration in my broken engagement. But I know it’s wisdom to take with me going forward no matter who I’m a wife to. Therefore it’s a blessing either way.
I'm very sorry to hear about your broken engagement. That would be extremely painful. Praying for the Lord's wisdom, healing, and leading in your life to bring beauty from this brokenness and His glory from the pain.
Thank you. This sounds like my life myself. God bless u and your husband abd kids 🌹✨🙏😇
You are so welcome. I am sure many wives can relate. May the Lord transform us by His power for His glory that we may shine for Him and bless our husbands and kids. Much love!
I love this video. It so blessed me!! I'm so thankful for the LORD and all HE DOES!!
I'm so thankful it was a blessing. Yes, I am grateful every day that God was willing to open my eyes and help me.
@@AprilCassidy amen sister HE IS SO FAITHFUL. GOD Bless you always and forever in JESUS MIGHTY NAME AMEN 💖
This video helps me see my problems clearly. Thank you, April. ❤️
So glad it was helpful!
Always challenging content my dear. I so love your heart, spirit and deep desire to emulate Christ!! And by the way, I love the Jerry Springer comment. 🥰
Thank you, dear sister! I mean... compared to the people on his show, I was SUPER respectful!
@@AprilCassidy 😂
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thanks for watching! I pray that my mistakes might help other women avoid this road I was on for so long that was hurtful to our marriage and my relationship with the Lord. Much love!
You're lucky he didn't leave you
I can see now that it would have been pretty miserable living with me all those years. I really wish he had told me how I was hurting him. Yes, a lot of men would have left in a situation like that.
@@AprilCassidy
I highly value your acknowledgment and yes, it would have been easier for him to express his feelings. I guess the moral is that it speaks to the "average" woman who does this either knowingly or unknowingly. It's legitimately a huge problem as you know, and so if she's not a Christian trying to work on it... I'm not sure there's hope in the situation outside of prayer, and God doesn't seem to intervene as much as we'd like regarding personal decisions
This is a huge problem. We are being trained and taught to treat men poorly by our culture and sometimes by other women. Most of us don't have Titus 2:2-5 mentoring wives. Most of us don't have anyone discipling us, holding us accountable, or speaking truth in love. Plus there is the sinful nature to contend with, as well.
I believe the hope is for each person to decide to do and be what God calls us to be and to let Him radically transform us to be more like Jesus. As we allow Him to work in us, He often pours out His goodness and healing into our relationships and through our prayers. May it begin in each of us.
And, may we in the Body of Christ use the methods the Lord has given us to address hurtful things like Matt. 7:1-5 and Matt. 18:15-17.
God bless you.
It amazes me how women aren't "able to see yourselves" in the moment. It may be a combination of learned behavior from other women/cultural, men allowing you to act reckless, you being narcissistic, and/or just you lying and not taking responsibility for the actions themselves 🤔
It's terrible. I could see this behavior in other women toward me and I hated it. But I couldn't see it in myself. And no one addressed it in my life. All of the messages I got reinforced my beliefs and behavior. Even my husband believed that he was 100% the problem in our marriage (those first 14 years) and that he was the one who needed to change. But he felt he just couldn't be good enough.
This is one reason why I do what I do. I know that millions of other wives and women are in the same boat, not even realizing what is happening in their marriages. We need someone to turn on the light of truth for us in love.
I had only hoped to make amends to God and to my husband and to see my marriage be healed when I began this pathway. But what a blessing that God is willing to use my life and mistakes and sins to help point many women to real life and hope in Jesus. I pray He will use my story to help many other wives and marriages and families heal and grow.
@@AprilCassidy
Amen 🙏🏽
Glory Glory be to God for your obedience and bravery to post this video. Thank You April. 💛 Do you mentor any women ?
I'm glad this was a blessing. I do some brief email mentoring, as I am able, at times.
@@AprilCassidy can I please have your email address? Thank you again for the courage and encouragement. 💛
Usually, I would invite you to send me a message privately on my contact page on my blog. But my sites have been hacked at the moment. If you would like to share your email address, I can contact you. Would that work? I can just not approve the comment publicly so it stays private.
I feel like I walk on eggshells a lot now, and I’ve been doing this respect thing for several years. Is this normal? He is very reactive. I know I’m doing this for God, not to make him “act right” but it feels disheartening that he is becoming less patient even though I’m trying to show him respect...
Hello, dear sister! I felt like I was walking on eggshells for the first few years. Not because he would blow up at me. He wouldn't. Just because the concept of respect was so mysterious to me and I had no clue what I was doing. So it was hard for me to tell if I was messing up for a long time.
Plus, I didn't really get much feedback from Greg so I didn't have a strong sense of if I was doing better or not or what I needed to change. It took me a lot of books, prayer, and trial and error to figure things out.
I haven't felt like I was walking on eggshells since about 3 years into this. I felt like I found the "road" and I know how not to get into the weeds.
If you have a husband who has a stronger personality, or is more critical or harsh, there can be other issues going on, too. Sometimes, it can be that a wife needs more self-respect in the right ways. Or that she is idolizing her husband. Sometimes it can be that he is rather demanding or sensitive. Or that he has his own sin issues. Sometimes it can be that there are areas where the wife is still being disrespectful. There are a lot of things it could be.
Would it be helpful to send me a message on my contact page and we can chat via email? Maybe I can help you troubleshoot what is happening? peacefulwife.com/contact-us/
Praying for the Lord's wisdom for you!
Thank you, sending you a message now :)
Thank you so much for this content. I think I relate to this a lot, but as a husband I wonder how you would relate my role being used with a similar attitude. I know this is a blog/content primarily for women, but what would be some advice for a husband? I also see myself very much as having the "spirit of offense" that you describe in your blog, in probably half of the things I would answer yes (most of the first ones) but mostly the "less extreme". My wife has claimed I am abusive, and left with the kids with no contact for this last month, and I see this as a sin issue not as extreme as abuse. There are other factors, but I don't need to pour all the factors of my troubles on TH-cam. Any help would be appreciated!
Husbands can certainly struggle with being controlling, too. Or disrespectful, prideful, self-righteous, impatient, unloving, and a whole lot of other sins just like wives can. Our roles are a bit different. But all believers are to walk in humility, grace, kindness, the love of Christ, gentleness, and all the fruit of the Spirit.
To my knowledge, none of us have permission from God to sin against our spouses or anyone else by being rude, overbearing, manipulative, controlling, or to try to take away another person's God-given free will or commit any other sin.
We are all called to outdo one another in showing honor. We are all called to live in total submission to the Lordship of Christ and to have our thoughts, motives, words, and actions yielded to Him that what we do might honor Him.
All sin is abusive to some degree or another. Of course, there is a continuum with some things being rather mild and others being agreggious.
I am very sorry to hear about how things are going right now. I pray for the Lord's healing and wisdom for you both and for your marriage and family.
Some resources that may be a blessing:
9 Signs to Identify a Controlling, Dominating Spouse
www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/identifying-a-controlling-or-dominating-spouse.html
My posts about control:
peacefulwife.com/?s=control
My post: Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships
peacefulwife.com/2015/11/23/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/
My post: Resources for Men
peacefulwife.com/2016/12/29/resources-for-men/
Posts on control from www.gotquestions.org. www.gotquestions.org/search.php?zoom_sort=0&zoom_query=controlling
What Does It Mean to Be a Godly Husband?
www.gotquestions.org/godly-husband.html
Posts about Abuse
www.gotquestions.org/search.php?zoom_sort=0&zoom_query=abuse
Blessings!
Maybe you could do a video addressing the emotional pain women feel involved with submission and how to take this pain to God. Walking on eggshells and being in fear of saying the wrong things all the time is very hard. This is a major problem Yes! women are missing out on the blessings that come from it but we need help to know how to see where we do these things.
Our society is broken and producing women who take down their homes and commit the sin of Eve by leading the home. The men who do stay follow along after her lead and are emasculated.
Please continue to produce this content it’s really never talked about anymore and it’s a tragedy that we are missing out.
Men if you read this! please lead your home with love, we need you fathers and husbands! Be patient with your wife she’s been lied to and believes the same lie that Eve did “did God say??” She believes leading will “fix things” but it’s not the order God intended.
My precious sister! My heart aches with you.
Yes, there is emotional pain, particularly in the beginning as we are trying to figure out this concept. But also, there is emotional pain any time we die to self.
There can also be emotional pain if we think submission means giving up our personhood, becoming passive, saying nothing, having no opinions/perspective/feelings to share. That would be very oppressive. But these ideas are not what biblical submission in marriage are about.
I don't believe that submission and respect means "walking on eggshells and being in fear of saying the wrong things all the time."
I do think that can be how it looks, at first, when we are trying to begin to understand it. And it can feel super scary in the beginning when we don't know what we are doing.
I remember feeling like there were "land mines" everywhere that I hadn't seen before and I didn't really understand, for a few years, exactly what was disrespectful and respectful. So it felt like anything I said could be a problem, and I wouldn't know.
But as you learn, you discover that there are very clear landmarks for what is respectful and disrespectful and for how to treat our husbands with honor. Mostly, it goes along the lines of sinful speech vs godly speech. But there are also some personal preferences certain husbands have and cultural differences, as well, to navigate.
The ultimate thing, though, is not about pleasing our husbands or treating them as deity. It is about seeking to please the Lord and to allow Him to transform our hearts, minds, and lives by the power of His Spirit and His truth in the Bible.
Replacing old thoughts and patterns with new ones can feel very foreign as we learn to put away the old self and put on our new self in Christ. It is not an instantaneous thing. The process of sanctification takes a lifetime. And it is for all who follow Christ, not just for wives.
It is also SUPER helpful to have examples of other wives who have learned some of these things and to see examples of how not to do things and then different examples of healthy, godly ways to handle things.
And as we yield more to the Lordship of Christ, we develop a greater ability to sense God's promptings and "hear" His still small voice, that gives us more specific direction in the moment.
I believe that as we begin to understand God's ways and His wisdom, we actually find freedom, the power to walk in the Spirit, genuine peace, and joy. We realize that His design for us is not oppressive. It is actually quite liberating. But there is a learning curve as we figure things out.
I have many videos where I do talk about this kind of thing, but maybe I can do one that is more direct.
Some topics I address related to this topic here on my YT and on my blog www.peacefulwife.com/ include:
- Taking our thoughts captive for Christ (both)
- Submission is not passivity (blog)
- When Would I Not Submit to My Husband (blog)
- What Is Respect in marriage (blog)
- To speak or not to speak (YT)
- Lose myself (blog)
- How to Encourage Your Husband to Value Your Influence (both)
- Influencing an unbelieving husband for Christ (both)
- Be fake (blog)
- Give up my voice (blog)
- Dying to self (both)
- Fear (both)
- Becoming fearless (both)
- Dying to self can be dangerously misunderstood (blog)
- Conflict (numerous posts on both)
- Confronting our husbands about their sin (both)
- The Pendulum Effect (blog)
- The Frustrating Quiet Phase (YT)
- Mistakes on This Journey (blog)
- Stages of This Journey (blog)
- Am I Too Chatty with My Husband? (blog)
- Am I Too Quiet with My Husband? (blog)
- Do Not Expect Outside Support (blog)
- My Quiet Time Practices
- Critical Spirit (blog)
- Complaining (both)
- People pleasing (blog)
- Perfectionism (both)
- Peace (both)
- Salvation (both)
- Negative words (blog)
- Respect (both)
- Biblical submission (both)
- Lordship of Christ (both)
- Healthy VS Unhealthy relationships (blog)
- Books Were My Mentors (blog - I only had books, my journal, my Bible, and God to help me. I learned to take all of my concerns, frustrations, worries, and misunderstandings to God and to journal about them and then to replace my wrong thinking with truth from His Word)
My book, The Peaceful Wife, also addresses a lot of your concerns, and may be a blessing. And A Fellow Wife's posts on my blog are SUPER helpful going through all the baby steps of this journey along with her and watching her work out the conflict in her mind and how to change her thinking.
If you have a husband who is more dominating, the posts on my blog by Radiant may be especially helpful. Or Nina Roesner's eCourse Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity.
Am I hitting on the right pain points for you? How could I help more specifically? I will be glad to do anything I can to help get the resources you need into your hands that will be a blessing. I don't want you to feel stuck or alone!
You can even send me a private email on my Contact page on my blog if you'd prefer.
Much love to you, dear sister!
April
If any wife is not safe or is being abused or her husband has severe issues, I encourage wives to reach out for trusted, experienced in-person help.
PS! About feeling like I was walking in a minefield:
This was largely because I hadn't learned any self-control with my words. I just said exactly what I thought and didn't filter things for years. My husband had never said that anything I said was hurtful or disrespectful. I hadn't been reprimanded as a child either on these things.
The first thing I had to do was learn to stop the unhealthy ways I used words. So I was quiet a lot because almost everything I had been saying was sinful in the past.
Then, I began to learn to use my words to build up, affirm, encourage, speak the truth in love, and bless. And things got a lot easier.
There shouldn't be fear and anxiety in marriage or in our walk with the Lord.
Healthy reverence for God and respect for our husbands and the institution of marriage, yes. But anxiety, fear, and a feeling of having to walk on eggshells, no.
Perfect love drives out all fear. 1 John 4:18.
Blessings!
In a marriage, we should not feel afraid. We can and should honor our husbands But we shouldn't have to fear for our safety in any way. Our husbands shouldn't fear for their safety with us either.
Home is supposed to be the safest place on earth where everyone knows they are loved, honored, welcome, and respected.
As we get to know God, His perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). It is the same with a healthy marriage.
If we are afraid, something is wrong. Either we are not being treated well or our thinking is skewed - or both.
In a Christian marriage, we love with God's love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. 1 Cor. 13:4-8
God hasn't given us a spirit of fear but a Spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7
We walk in the Spirit and His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Gal. 5:22-23
Blessings! ❤
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If anyone is not safe at home, my prayer is that they will reach out for trustworthy, experienced help.
You sound like Alana L