Also can I just say I HATE when people infantilize disabled people. No, he’s not 7, he’s not a “little boy” who “doesn’t know better”, he’s 29, that’s almost middle age! He’s been alive and aware as long as the next 29 year old! Treat him like an adult! He’s not stupid, he’s not incapable of being a human, he just needs help with driving or doing bills or whatever. Disability isn’t an excuse to never parent! If they treated him like anyone else he might be “developmentally 10” or “13” or, random crazy idea here, HIS ACTUAL FUCKING AGE
First story, I think this is the classic story about a disabled person who was never tought anything "because disabled". Disabled doesn't mean they don't understand or can tought anything. NTA! I agree with Heather
Exactly I teach children with intellectual disabilities. They can learn most things it just takes longer and may mean you have to cope with meltdowns and screaming but if remain consistent and firm with your boundaries they can and do learn more than you think. In too many cases like this it’s leaned helplessness, people using the disability as an excuse rather than a reminder to people that it may take them longer to learn something or apply it to various contexts. It may require you to explain consent, or puberty with the language a 4 year old could understand but it doesn’t mean you avoid the topic or tell others to just accept being mistreated. It may mean finding an out of the box solution. For parents of a child with a disability you can either come to a point of blind acceptance of the medical deficit messages that your child will never be able to …. or the classic shopping list reminders of all the things they cannot do and this is as good as it gets. This is your child love them and keep them and others safe be keeping them away from people. alternatively dive down the diagnosis rabbit hole of therapy approach’s, coupled with sheer determination and a what the heck do doctors know attitude and you fight like hell to change peoples minds. You go through all the meltdowns, work with therapists, do enough research you should get a PHD for it., you network with other parents ready to try an new approach so you can live in the condor knowing you have done all you could to give your child the best quality of life and like all kids pushed them to dream big, and have as many skills to live in this world as independently as possible while maintaining who they are as people. This is the acceptance that acknowledges differences in brain functionality that cause people to respond to the world differently or think about something in a different way to you but there are some fundamental human abilities that mean we are all capable of learning, being a contributing member of our community and having meaningful connections with others because despite our diversity we are after all one species that is at its core community minded.
Story 1: Mum also deserves to be uninvited to the wedding for that “you entertained Tom’s behaviour” remark. Also, the family needs to pick a lane: one moment they’re telling OP it’s her responsibility to manage Tom’s behaviour and the next they’re telling her the way she manages that behaviour is not allowed. Story 2: I was over at my sister’s today and her phone rang while she was dealing with the washing machine. I asked her if she wanted me to answer it for her and she said yes, so I did. If she’d said no, I wouldn’t have answered it. Basic courtesy people!
Story 1 - the you entertained his behaviour is the most ridiculous remark of the whole thing. As the mum no matter what anyone else may or may not have “entertained” it’s her first priority as a mum teach her child to not people inappropriately. Most 5 year olds know how to behave appropriately. Even the kids I teach who are 5-12 with intellectual disabilities, autism, ADHD, ODD and any combination there of know this especially if you constantly stop the behaviour and re-enforce the boundary. Any one who tries to excuse certain behaviours like this by saying “they have a disability and have the mental capacity of a 7 year old is doing a disservice to their children especially if they are enabling it and not trying to seek help and support to find a way to teach their child appropriate behaviours. You can also bet if the roles were reversed and any man with an intellectually disability did this to their daughter you can bet they would be at the police station charging him with assault. So no one in this family should be upset OP doesn’t want him there. It’s not about him having a disability.
Story 2, the bf curb stomped OP's 'no after hours phonecalls after seven' boundary by answering the boss' call then proceeding to make it sound like OP didn't want to work.
Story 1. Im going to preface this by saying I have neurodivergent kids and I am a teacher in a support unit. That is I teach kids in primary school that are 5-12 years old. Most of the students I teach have intellectual disabilities and/or Autism. Most of the kids I have taught or known can be taught not to touch people inappropriately. Usually by the time they are 7. There is usually a need to revisit this topic in from about 11 or 12 so by the time pubity hits they have some understanding of what will happen to their body. Boys especially need to be aware of how their bodies may react to stimuli like a girl and it doesn’t mean you can act on it. It also requires very specific education around consent and the meaning of No. What some people think is cute will not be when they are 13, 16, 18, 21, 41 or older. If it’s not acceptable for a neurotypical non-disabled person to act a certain way it’s not okay for people with a disability to act this way. If you are allowing your child with a disability to behave in a manner that you wouldn’t accept from someone else you are doing them a disservice. The reality is on any given day you could no longer be around and it’s our jobs as parents then teachers to make sure kids can live without us. For our children with disabilities you teach them as much as you can to be kind, respectful and independent while creating a network of family and peers who can and will support one another in providing the continued support to be a contributing member of society. Along with please and thank you, it’s navigating the meanings of “NO”, and the behaviour we teach kids like keeping your hands to yourself and being kind to others. You see a lot of parents who want to avoid the meltdowns or aggressive response give in to their kids wants and I get it. I’m a mum and have kids who have had delays in their language expression and reception skills. This family have in some way enabled or contributed to his current behaviour for him to still being doing this at 29. To say it’s OPs responsibility to stop him now is insanity. They should have stopped it along time ago before he turned 5 not 29 or whenever they started this. If you look at it this way if any other 29 year old with or without a disability acted this way towards their daughter if they had one they’d be calling for his arrest not trying to explain to the daughter that the guys behaviour was justified especially if he had a disability. To get angry and hate the one person who saw what was happening and said this isn’t okay is further evidence of their complacency surrounding the behaviour. To say he has the mental capacity of a 7 year old is one thing. Means he probably still finds poop and fart jokes funny and have a limited vocabulary. But to say at 29 with a mental capacity of a 7 it’s only an issue because making it one is a whole other issue. all the children I know wouldn’t do this unless they have been taught that it is acceptable not because of their disability. It’s OPs wedding day and she can invite who she wants. In this case her desire to keep her cousin away has nothing to do with his disability it’s that his family think letting a 7 year old touch people inappropriately is acceptable. Yes I know he’s not 7 but that’s the age his family are treating him which quite frankly is insulting and disrespectful to him. He’s 29 years old and even if you have to use simple language he is more than likely more capable than they think. If his family are so worried about his day skip OPs wedding. He’s only going to be upset on the day of someone makes a big fuss about it on the day or his routine is different and they don’t prepare him for it. Take him to a theme park or other activity he like. If I was OP I’d even offer to pay for the day. Unless they are FB or instagram friends is he really be going to stubble upon his cousins wedding pics to be upset about it.
For the story with the cat, my family used to have a cat as a pet and when we went on vacation, we took the cat to my grandma’s place so she could watch over her. When we got back & tried to take the cat home, imagine our surprise when the cat did not want to leave my grandma and there was no way to take her back without the cat freaking out and try to claw at us. In the end, we ended up leaving the cat at her place since the cat bonded with her. We ended up being dog people.
10:00 im BEYOND pissed that her family is ENCOURAGING this behavior from her challenged cousin. They’re literally raising a predator at this point. They should all be ashamed of themselves
7:22 does Tom go around assaulting all large chested and nice bummed woman ? Probably not because he would be in jail. He knows not to assault strangers or anyone else but you because your "family" says ITS OKAY TO ASSAULT YOU.
The first story is hard. No, you are not an a**hole for refusing to invite a guest that mistreated you in the past and being disabled is still not a good enough excuse.
I can tell you his behaviour is not because of his intellectual disability. It’s the direct result of his family for 29 years not considering his future and excusing the behaviour because he has a disability. I teach kids (5-12 year olds) with intellectual disabilities, autism and other conditions that cause developmental delays, they call all learn to keep their hands off other people’s chests/groin areas. Every significant person in their network reenforces appropriate behaviour and will intervene and reenforce expectations if they behave inappropriately. By 29 even with an intellectual age of 7 he should know and if not his family and careers need to constantly intervene and prevent it as much as possible. Their response that OP is mean for advocating for herself is disrespectful and not an appropriate response. This is definitely one story that the fact her cousin has a disability has no baring on the story. She is not I inviting him because he has a disability she is uninviting him because of his behaviour that is unacceptable from anyone and this behaviour continues because the family says it’s your responsibility to stop him while actively preventing anyone who could actually teach him it’s inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour. She isn’t an AH and would be justified in refusing entry to her wedding to that entire family along with anyone who attempts to pressure her to invite him or who agrees that his behaviour is acceptable.
1)ooof, this reminds me of moving to NC in HS. I went to a tiny school 45 minutes away with no bus. Some other local kids also attended, but their carpool was full, so my patents usually drove me. There was an opening once, I think in my second year, and it was one girl's mom, her, me, three other kids from school, and the older brother, who was wheelchair-bound with pretty severe cerebral palsy. I was the last to get in, and was seated next to the brother. He was... 18-ish at the time, and almost immediately after I got settled, his near hand landed on my thigh. I *froze*, because... is this an accident, or intentional? I was a VERY sheltered 16, didn't want to make a scene, and I could feel eyes on me like him moving his hand to my leg hadn't gone unnoticed, but no one said anything. I finally shifted myself hard against the door going around a curve so his hand fell away, and I felt so... uneasy, the rest of the day. I can't remember if I ever brought it up with his mom, but I never did carpool with them after. I *want* to say someone else on the ride said something along the lines of "well, he's still a teenaged boy," the implication being I should have been firmer with him 🙃 NTA.
Story 1: Did this family just fly in from the 1950s? Blaming OP for being attractive jfc. And do they really think he wouldn't make a scene at their wedding? He's probably going to be devastated seeing her get married and no one has any control over him so it'll be messy. This family sucks. Story 3: In what world would OP be the AH? Who are these people making him even question himself? IT'S NOT YOUR CAT SIS!
Story Two: What makes his sister believe he and his wife haven’t also bonded with Ella after having her for years?!?!?! Story One: So OP is wrong for “entertaining his behavior” and also for telling him his behavior is wrong?! Throw the whole family away!
Person with autism that is a developmental disability here. And who has family members who are mentally little kids in adult bodies. The bruises my cousin caused me didn't matter that he was delayed I was still injured. If the 30yo is truly unable to stop his behavior he needs to be kept away from the people who are hurt by the behavior. Its not fair to him to be put in a position he can't help but cause harm. If that's what's going on here. If the disabled adult doesn't want to hurt someone but is being put in a position that he is hurting someone than that's unfair to him and the person he hurts. Imagine being put in a position you hurt someone due to factors outside of your control. If that's what the family is claiming is happening then they are not being fair to the disabled adult either. Since he doesn't want to hurt his cousin. I'm not saying that's what is happening. But even in the family's version of events the cousins shouldn't be around each other for the man's sake.
NTA 7 years old is plenty ond enough to understand that you don't touch other people without consent especially 'privite parts' without consent and that marring relatives is not apperoatte Also 7 year olds in general are not turned on by sexual behavior Tom's behavior is out of bouds and relatives are enablers NTA You have set boundaries with your boss Key word you Boyfriend needs to back off NTA They knew from this start this was a temporary situation They bonded with the cat Great there's plenty of cats out there up for adoption I worked as a child care aide for over 15 years and bonded with those kids I can honestly say I loved them I would never de=ream of saying I bonded with your kid Can I kept him\her because that would be creepy
So the parents would be okay if every man on the planet violated their daughter because she's "conventionally attractive." I don't think so. They need to tell cous to keep his darn hands to himself because I would call the police at this point if he persists. I think the women of the family are jealous of her including her own damn mother which sucks. I would do everything to protect her if she was my kid. If cous does touch the wrong person or child, the judge will not accept his disability because even a seven year old knows not to do that (if they are taught which I would hope so because sometimes the subject is taboo in some homes!)! He will do time either in prison or a mental health facility. The family cannot bail him out and make excuses for him. If the judge finds out how long this behavior has been going on, oh boy! I don't want to be in their shoes.
![เจ็บที่ยังฮัก - ม่อน วรวิทย์ [ Official Mv ] จอนนี่มิวสิค](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/KALIGSRSjFs/mqdefault.jpg)
I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Wtffffffffff
Same, friend. Same.
A 7 year old does understand not to touch someone’s parts and they understand no. Those parents are raising a rapist
You're 100% right this can only go downhill
Also can I just say I HATE when people infantilize disabled people. No, he’s not 7, he’s not a “little boy” who “doesn’t know better”, he’s 29, that’s almost middle age! He’s been alive and aware as long as the next 29 year old! Treat him like an adult! He’s not stupid, he’s not incapable of being a human, he just needs help with driving or doing bills or whatever. Disability isn’t an excuse to never parent! If they treated him like anyone else he might be “developmentally 10” or “13” or, random crazy idea here, HIS ACTUAL FUCKING AGE
First story, I think this is the classic story about a disabled person who was never tought anything "because disabled".
Disabled doesn't mean they don't understand or can tought anything.
NTA! I agree with Heather
Exactly I teach children with intellectual disabilities. They can learn most things it just takes longer and may mean you have to cope with meltdowns and screaming but if remain consistent and firm with your boundaries they can and do learn more than you think.
In too many cases like this it’s leaned helplessness, people using the disability as an excuse rather than a reminder to people that it may take them longer to learn something or apply it to various contexts. It may require you to explain consent, or puberty with the language a 4 year old could understand but it doesn’t mean you avoid the topic or tell others to just accept being mistreated. It may mean finding an out of the box solution.
For parents of a child with a disability you can either come to a point of blind acceptance of the medical deficit messages that your child will never be able to …. or the classic shopping list reminders of all the things they cannot do and this is as good as it gets. This is your child love them and keep them and others safe be keeping them away from people.
alternatively dive down the diagnosis rabbit hole of therapy approach’s, coupled with sheer determination and a what the heck do doctors know attitude and you fight like hell to change peoples minds. You go through all the meltdowns, work with therapists, do enough research you should get a PHD for it., you network with other parents ready to try an new approach so you can live in the condor knowing you have done all you could to give your child the best quality of life and like all kids pushed them to dream big, and have as many skills to live in this world as independently as possible while maintaining who they are as people. This is the acceptance that acknowledges differences in brain functionality that cause people to respond to the world differently or think about something in a different way to you but there are some fundamental human abilities that mean we are all capable of learning, being a contributing member of our community and having meaningful connections with others because despite our diversity we are after all one species that is at its core community minded.
Story 1: Mum also deserves to be uninvited to the wedding for that “you entertained Tom’s behaviour” remark. Also, the family needs to pick a lane: one moment they’re telling OP it’s her responsibility to manage Tom’s behaviour and the next they’re telling her the way she manages that behaviour is not allowed.
Story 2: I was over at my sister’s today and her phone rang while she was dealing with the washing machine. I asked her if she wanted me to answer it for her and she said yes, so I did. If she’d said no, I wouldn’t have answered it. Basic courtesy people!
Story 1 - the you entertained his behaviour is the most ridiculous remark of the whole thing. As the mum no matter what anyone else may or may not have “entertained” it’s her first priority as a mum teach her child to not people inappropriately. Most 5 year olds know how to behave appropriately. Even the kids I teach who are 5-12 with intellectual disabilities, autism, ADHD, ODD and any combination there of know this especially if you constantly stop the behaviour and re-enforce the boundary. Any one who tries to excuse certain behaviours like this by saying “they have a disability and have the mental capacity of a 7 year old is doing a disservice to their children especially if they are enabling it and not trying to seek help and support to find a way to teach their child appropriate behaviours.
You can also bet if the roles were reversed and any man with an intellectually disability did this to their daughter you can bet they would be at the police station charging him with assault. So no one in this family should be upset OP doesn’t want him there. It’s not about him having a disability.
Story 2, the bf curb stomped OP's 'no after hours phonecalls after seven' boundary by answering the boss' call then proceeding to make it sound like OP didn't want to work.
Story 1. Im going to preface this by saying I have neurodivergent kids and I am a teacher in a support unit. That is I teach kids in primary school that are 5-12 years old. Most of the students I teach have intellectual disabilities and/or Autism.
Most of the kids I have taught or known can be taught not to touch people inappropriately. Usually by the time they are 7. There is usually a need to revisit this topic in from about 11 or 12 so by the time pubity hits they have some understanding of what will happen to their body. Boys especially need to be aware of how their bodies may react to stimuli like a girl and it doesn’t mean you can act on it. It also requires very specific education around consent and the meaning of No.
What some people think is cute will not be when they are 13, 16, 18, 21, 41 or older. If it’s not acceptable for a neurotypical non-disabled person to act a certain way it’s not okay for people with a disability to act this way. If you are allowing your child with a disability to behave in a manner that you wouldn’t accept from someone else you are doing them a disservice. The reality is on any given day you could no longer be around and it’s our jobs as parents then teachers to make sure kids can live without us. For our children with disabilities you teach them as much as you can to be kind, respectful and independent while creating a network of family and peers who can and will support one another in providing the continued support to be a contributing member of society. Along with please and thank you, it’s navigating the meanings of “NO”, and the behaviour we teach kids like keeping your hands to yourself and being kind to others.
You see a lot of parents who want to avoid the meltdowns or aggressive response give in to their kids wants and I get it. I’m a mum and have kids who have had delays in their language expression and reception skills.
This family have in some way enabled or contributed to his current behaviour for him to still being doing this at 29. To say it’s OPs responsibility to stop him now is insanity. They should have stopped it along time ago before he turned 5 not 29 or whenever they started this. If you look at it this way if any other 29 year old with or without a disability acted this way towards their daughter if they had one they’d be calling for his arrest not trying to explain to the daughter that the guys behaviour was justified especially if he had a disability.
To get angry and hate the one person who saw what was happening and said this isn’t okay is further evidence of their complacency surrounding the behaviour.
To say he has the mental capacity of a 7 year old is one thing. Means he probably still finds poop and fart jokes funny and have a limited vocabulary. But to say at 29 with a mental capacity of a 7 it’s only an issue because making it one is a whole other issue. all the children I know wouldn’t do this unless they have been taught that it is acceptable not because of their disability.
It’s OPs wedding day and she can invite who she wants. In this case her desire to keep her cousin away has nothing to do with his disability it’s that his family think letting a 7 year old touch people inappropriately is acceptable. Yes I know he’s not 7 but that’s the age his family are treating him which quite frankly is insulting and disrespectful to him. He’s 29 years old and even if you have to use simple language he is more than likely more capable than they think.
If his family are so worried about his day skip OPs wedding. He’s only going to be upset on the day of someone makes a big fuss about it on the day or his routine is different and they don’t prepare him for it. Take him to a theme park or other activity he like. If I was OP I’d even offer to pay for the day. Unless they are FB or instagram friends is he really be going to stubble upon his cousins wedding pics to be upset about it.
For the story with the cat, my family used to have a cat as a pet and when we went on vacation, we took the cat to my grandma’s place so she could watch over her. When we got back & tried to take the cat home, imagine our surprise when the cat did not want to leave my grandma and there was no way to take her back without the cat freaking out and try to claw at us. In the end, we ended up leaving the cat at her place since the cat bonded with her. We ended up being dog people.
10:00 im BEYOND pissed that her family is ENCOURAGING this behavior from her challenged cousin. They’re literally raising a predator at this point. They should all be ashamed of themselves
7:22 does Tom go around assaulting all large chested and nice bummed woman ? Probably not because he would be in jail. He knows not to assault strangers or anyone else but you because your "family" says ITS OKAY TO ASSAULT YOU.
100% this is learned behavior
The first story is hard. No, you are not an a**hole for refusing to invite a guest that mistreated you in the past and being disabled is still not a good enough excuse.
I can tell you his behaviour is not because of his intellectual disability. It’s the direct result of his family for 29 years not considering his future and excusing the behaviour because he has a disability. I teach kids (5-12 year olds) with intellectual disabilities, autism and other conditions that cause developmental delays, they call all learn to keep their hands off other people’s chests/groin areas. Every significant person in their network reenforces appropriate behaviour and will intervene and reenforce expectations if they behave inappropriately. By 29 even with an intellectual age of 7 he should know and if not his family and careers need to constantly intervene and prevent it as much as possible. Their response that OP is mean for advocating for herself is disrespectful and not an appropriate response.
This is definitely one story that the fact her cousin has a disability has no baring on the story. She is not I inviting him because he has a disability she is uninviting him because of his behaviour that is unacceptable from anyone and this behaviour continues because the family says it’s your responsibility to stop him while actively preventing anyone who could actually teach him it’s inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.
She isn’t an AH and would be justified in refusing entry to her wedding to that entire family along with anyone who attempts to pressure her to invite him or who agrees that his behaviour is acceptable.
1)ooof, this reminds me of moving to NC in HS. I went to a tiny school 45 minutes away with no bus. Some other local kids also attended, but their carpool was full, so my patents usually drove me. There was an opening once, I think in my second year, and it was one girl's mom, her, me, three other kids from school, and the older brother, who was wheelchair-bound with pretty severe cerebral palsy. I was the last to get in, and was seated next to the brother. He was... 18-ish at the time, and almost immediately after I got settled, his near hand landed on my thigh. I *froze*, because... is this an accident, or intentional? I was a VERY sheltered 16, didn't want to make a scene, and I could feel eyes on me like him moving his hand to my leg hadn't gone unnoticed, but no one said anything.
I finally shifted myself hard against the door going around a curve so his hand fell away, and I felt so... uneasy, the rest of the day. I can't remember if I ever brought it up with his mom, but I never did carpool with them after. I *want* to say someone else on the ride said something along the lines of "well, he's still a teenaged boy," the implication being I should have been firmer with him 🙃 NTA.
Oh my gosh that's awful! I'm sorry you had to go through that.
17:00 made me laugh so hard
Story 1: Did this family just fly in from the 1950s? Blaming OP for being attractive jfc. And do they really think he wouldn't make a scene at their wedding? He's probably going to be devastated seeing her get married and no one has any control over him so it'll be messy. This family sucks.
Story 3: In what world would OP be the AH? Who are these people making him even question himself? IT'S NOT YOUR CAT SIS!
Story Two: What makes his sister believe he and his wife haven’t also bonded with Ella after having her for years?!?!?!
Story One: So OP is wrong for “entertaining his behavior” and also for telling him his behavior is wrong?! Throw the whole family away!
Person with autism that is a developmental disability here. And who has family members who are mentally little kids in adult bodies. The bruises my cousin caused me didn't matter that he was delayed I was still injured. If the 30yo is truly unable to stop his behavior he needs to be kept away from the people who are hurt by the behavior. Its not fair to him to be put in a position he can't help but cause harm. If that's what's going on here.
If the disabled adult doesn't want to hurt someone but is being put in a position that he is hurting someone than that's unfair to him and the person he hurts. Imagine being put in a position you hurt someone due to factors outside of your control. If that's what the family is claiming is happening then they are not being fair to the disabled adult either. Since he doesn't want to hurt his cousin.
I'm not saying that's what is happening. But even in the family's version of events the cousins shouldn't be around each other for the man's sake.
NTA 7 years old is plenty ond enough to understand that you don't touch other people without consent especially 'privite parts' without consent and that marring relatives is not apperoatte Also 7 year olds in general are not turned on by sexual behavior Tom's behavior is out of bouds and relatives are enablers NTA You have set boundaries with your boss Key word you Boyfriend needs to back off NTA They knew from this start this was a temporary situation They bonded with the cat Great there's plenty of cats out there up for adoption I worked as a child care aide for over 15 years and bonded with those kids I can honestly say I loved them I would never de=ream of saying I bonded with your kid Can I kept him\her because that would be creepy
So the parents would be okay if every man on the planet violated their daughter because she's "conventionally attractive." I don't think so. They need to tell cous to keep his darn hands to himself because I would call the police at this point if he persists. I think the women of the family are jealous of her including her own damn mother which sucks. I would do everything to protect her if she was my kid. If cous does touch the wrong person or child, the judge will not accept his disability because even a seven year old knows not to do that (if they are taught which I would hope so because sometimes the subject is taboo in some homes!)! He will do time either in prison or a mental health facility. The family cannot bail him out and make excuses for him. If the judge finds out how long this behavior has been going on, oh boy! I don't want to be in their shoes.