Now Unquiet: The Journey of Pianist Jonathan Biss | Anxiety & Mental Health Recovery
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ค. 2021
- #Anxiety is complicated. #Beethoven is complicated. Life is complicated. - Concert #Pianist Jonathan Biss
Since he was six years old, Jonathan Biss played the piano. In fact, he grew up in a house filled with music. His parents both play the violin, and Jonathan became a successful concert pianist who now performs with orchestras around the world, sharing his love for music with thousands of people.
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“Music is the lens through which I see the world. It is the thing in my life that evokes the strongest feelings in me. It is the thing that I’m most devoted to,” he says. “Music was a place that I felt home. It was a place where I felt like myself. It was a place where I could access feelings and just parts of myself that otherwise had no voice.”
So, it was a terrible irony when, eventually, the anxiety that Jonathan experienced around performing music became so extreme that it made him forget the core of who he was.
Jonathan wrestled with his anxiety for many years, without really finding any answers or solutions to it. At first, he even had difficulty identifying the source of his stress. And though it’s true that everyone has anxiety (“It prevents me from crossing the street without looking and getting run over by a car. It also creates the extra sense of electricity that makes playing a concert in real-time for other people thrilling”), Jonathan knew deep down that his anxiety had the potential to interfere with the thing he loved most-sharing his music.
“I was ashamed of it. I felt that either not having bad anxiety or at least knowing how to manage it was a prerequisite for being good at my job. To admit that I had this problem felt, very, very much for years, like admitting to failure.”
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Ultimately, an extreme panic attack in the middle of a concert forced Jonathan to face his fears and examine his anxiety head on. That awareness, combined with a pandemic that stopped him from playing in concert halls, created an opportunity for self-examination and growth.
“The first step was sort of saying, ‘This is not something that I have to hide from myself. It, in fact, is not even something that I have to hide from others.’ That began the very, very slow process of re-imagining my relationship with myself where, to play a piece of music, I didn’t have to be more or less than I was.”
Jonathan credits therapy and mindfulness for helping him develop a “nonjudgmental awareness” of his anxiety. In essence, letting it be there, but not allowing it to interfere with his playing.
Jonathan wrote and narrates an audio book for Audible’s Words + Music series titled Unquiet: My Life with Beethoven, in which he examines the interplay between his lifelong passion for the music of Beethoven and his own personal struggles with anxiety.
In this special OC87 Recovery Diaries film, Jonathan recounts his journey and performs three exquisite works that have great meaning for him. The film is a small peek into this creative soul and reveals how both strength and vulnerability are needed for an artist to survive and thrive.
We hope you enjoy these special words and music.
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Jonathan, thank you for your honesty and your music. I love hearing you play and speak.
I wonder if Jonathan will ever read this..
But once a child performer, I feel you. More bathroom trips than I would like to admit😳 The one source of your absolute joy could turn into a nightmare: because you care THAT much about it..that everything related seems to be a matter of life and death..
When I started watching your lectures on Beethoven's sonatas, I recognized the anxiety here and there, maybe because I saw a reflection of myself. In the later lectures I was very relieved to see that you became more relaxed, seemed to have more fun(your nerdy jokes trip me out~)..Beethoven's music has given my solace and comfort since when nothing else could..It's the kind of music that really speaks to you when you listen..and you hear its stories..yet they also reflects your own..I feel real lucky to have found you and your lectures.
I hope you are happy with the new-found sense of self..and that if heaven forbids you find yourself struggling with anxiety again..this time around you are not doing it alone
ヽ(｡ゝω・｡)ﾉ☆ﾟ.+:｡ﾟ♪♪ ラブ
Thank you for taking the time to leave such a supportive and personal comment, it's much appreciated 💙
Témoignage bouleversant qu'il est bien d'entendre de la bouche d'un artiste qui est un lien entre le cosmos, la musique et celui qui écoute. Jonathan Biss a ce pouvoir là mystérieux qui s'entend immédiatement comme chez quelques élus.
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Wow. A courageous truth-telling. Good luck, Mr. Biss, on your journey.
Thanks to Biss，you are such a good pianist. I remembered i have seen your viedo at Bilibili，which is a chinese social app like youtube.Since then i was obsessed about you! RESPECT!
This is a great documentary! The editing, the music, and the story work well and combine into a powerful message.
Thank you for such a supportive comment, Christopher!
I remember studying at IU when Jonathan and I were in the same studio with Evelyn back in the late 90s. He is so brilliant and so talented, and was even back then when he was young. He was also so quiet and reserved. Both his parents were instructors there, and I must say that after growing up in a musical and artistic household, a lot of pressure can be placed upon children to “live up” to the expectations parents might have for their kids, which is (from personal experience) where most of this anxiety may emanate.
I would recall a personal experience at IU regarding a performance of his in the then Ford Hall to explain my rationale, but I don’t believe it to be appropriate to divulge that experience publicly without his permission to do so. But I will say that from my impression of that experience, sometimes external pressures may contribute significantly to the anxiety Jonathan experienced in his developmental period.
Just a few years ago, my sister attended a performance of his at Union College in Albany NY where he has a continuing residency of performance. During that performance, he had to stop and seemed to the audience to pass out at the keyboard due to health/heat issues within the venue. The couple that my sister had attended the concert with happened to have a physician present and quickly attended to him. Now, I’m not sure if this is the event to which he is referring to in the video, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that when someone like Jonathan is on stage trying to provide the best musical experience to an audience, there is a tremendous amount of stress involved to successfully translate the content of a Beethoven sonata or the Schumann Fantasy to that group of listeners. It is the one moment where hours and hours and hours of practice and education can be displayed for an hour or so to those who only see that one short time period as the “model.” Anyone who is not a stage performer might not be able to comprehend that kind of environment, but I do NOT say that to discount the value of the listener as a viable participant in the overall experience of a live performance. I say that because as musicians, we work tirelessly to bring something to your ears that is as pure and “perfect” (whatever that is) as it could possibly be conceived in the mind of the composer who created it. I can assure you it is a daunting task, to say the least.
I don’t know if Jonathan reads this or monitors comments on his feed, but I wanted to let him know that you are loved as a musician, you are respected as a brilliant interpreter of the classical works we all love, and most importantly, you are a human being, who is full of doubts, insecurities, and the desire to want better for your audience. Even the greatest of all, Beethoven, mentioned that the instrument we love most of all was incapable of producing his vision of what those final works could achieve. No matter what happens, Jonathan, we are always going to applaud for your efforts in the end! I hope this resonates…
I hope that desire to play for others never dies, Jonathan, because you are a great artist.
What a beautiful and encouraging comment, thank you Xander.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. It is an issue that I, as well as many musicians contend with. It shouldn't be brushed aside any longer.
Hi Stefan - so glad Jonathan's story resonated with you and that you're able to share about it as well, so appreciated.
I can relate. Nobody in my family loves classical music as I do, especially piano. I've learned to play it on my own, but I've had only electronic keyboard and when I went to someone who has piano, I've barely tried not to cry because it's some kind of honour to play it. When I'm feeling anxious I listen to piano music and I try to explain to everyone how piano can be your best friend and heal you. You feel every note, it hits you hard, than you can cry, after that you feel so free of negative emotions. I don't know about anyone's else's feelings, but I truly believe that piano sound can wake me up from coma!
What a heartfelt comment, Alex Jo. Thank you for taking the time to share how music has impacted you and we hope it continues to support your life and your recovery. 💙
Good points made here. I'd like to add that I don't think anyone can ever heal with music when they are playing on a digital piano
wow very brave of Biss. He's also a good writer.
Thank you for the support Ibrahim 💙
Magnificent documentary ~ so very helpful to me, personally
So glad it was helpful, Patrick!
Great artist !!!
Thank you!
So many great performers-even athletes-suffer from this horrible anxiety. I'm sure the great names are known to most. It's strange to me that people who are often most prepared, most adept at what they do have such lack of confidence to the point of panic. It seems so sad that something so beautiful and nourishing can be the sources of such anxiety.For those of us who don't have the talents, who don't perform, the very idea of it seems beyond possible. I would think that with great music the idea that the music is the thing-not the performances must help in the process of coming to terms with being a performer of this music. Wondering why this is so common, I was struck by something Seymour Bernstein said on one of these TH-cam offerings-and who I think also suffered from this affliction-that it is a sign of how much the performer cares about what he is doing.
Thank you for sharing that perspective from Bernstein, much appreciated 💙
On a level of 1 to 10, I somehow think JB's anxiety was at about a 4 or 5. People have it very badly and can't play much of anything due to it.
It is hard for me to imagine a less helpful, less nuanced, less empathetic, less informed, and less necessary comment than yours.
People do experience mental health challenges on a spectrum and we appreciate anyone who is able to share about their experience in order to help others and themselves. Hoping that the folks you know who are unable to play are able to receive the support they need on recovery journeys.