"People think a soul mate is your prefect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror. The person who shows you everything that is holding you back. The person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."
Gee, that's why I'm single haha. Jokes aside, I really do improve after a good ol' self-loathing. But I really want someone to slap me and say "You are fucking pathetic. Now do this and that, and become a greater person."
Unfortunately I know many people who dislike looking into the mirror, especially when all they can focus on is the flaws. Love really does require not only an open heart, but an open mind as well.
thats the problem with the quote of Jonathan [which is awesome btw]... But the problem is that actually any friend of yours who knows you a little - can be your mirror. Maybe what makes this soulmate different is in that part of helping you improve. something a friend may not? I dunno...
I'll always remember the first words my wife said to me. She walked up behind me, touched me gently on the shoulder and whispered "you missed a belt loop". I thought "this is the girl for me".
Learn body language and you will wish you didn't want to know what's on peoples minds. It's amazing how indecisive, doubtful, insecure and or aggressive most people are.
I am very guilty of this with my partner. And it's so true. :( I have so many sad things on my mind that are irrational or meaningless. I don't want to share any of it with him. Because by the next thought it won't be of that it will be of something different happier and more loving. It's nice to know that thoughts can be kept as private thoughts. That we don't have to open every single thought up, because in the end we all might really hurt each other without even realizing it. It still saddens me I bottle my mind up from everyone. But it makes me feel secure about myself when I have the power to make rational decisions and say the right things and not the wrong things I am feeling or thinking about. ^_^
I wanted to tell two stories: 1. Academy award winning, amazing actress Meryl Streep told this one on an interview once. She said that for a movie she was making, she had to learn to speak with the Irish accent. The director of the movie hired a teacher for her and then they have worked together for a while, which was fine. Then, when the shooting of the movie began, the teacher would sit there and watch Meryl Streep, and he would take notes after every "wrongly pronounced" word he heard. Then he would come up to her and give her instructions about every single syllable she still has to work on. He was very kind and all but Meryl Streep said that after a couple of days she couldn't take it anymore. One of the best actresses in the world could NOT act anymore! So they had to remove the guy from the set. My point is that some people do it this way in their relationships : they give you the feeling of being constantly " observed and evaluated". As if you had to pass a daily, continuous exam, in order to first "deserve" some affection for God's sake. Friends who went through this will know: it is very humiliating, suffocating and paralysing. So you must be wise enough to distinguish a loving person who wants the best for you from an egomaniac who sees you as an extension of himself. Especially if you had a troubled childhood, watch out for all the weird stuff and keep away from cruel people. Because you may be subconsciously looking for that type, in order to feel " at home". 2. The second story is about expectations: There is a town in Belgium called Geel, where the families follow a 700 years old incredible tradition: they accept people with all sorts of severe mental diseases as a new member into their families and live with them and care for them for decades. That's one of the most beautiful stories about brotherhood I have ever heard. It's so touching. You can hear all about it on an Invisibilia podcast . The episode is called: " The Problem with the Solution" Psychologists say that when they put those people back into their real families, or back into their marriages, their condition usually gets worst. Because of the "extremely high expectations" put on their shoulders. But their " new families" , who are just "strangers" who don't mind, make them feel that it's alright to be the way they are. And it is this feeling of freedom and serenity, that makes them get better. How interesting... I agree with everything said in this very wise lesson. But here is an important point: I think you can be very ambitious about being a good student yourself. . But you must not be too ambitious or obsessive about setting the other person straight. Be extremely kind, say only one little thing at a time and expect as less as possible.
You've put this across so beautifully! It's true that no relationship is without give and take and a certain level of maturity is expected from the people involved to make it work. The role of the teacher, student or even lesson shouldn't be too defined. One will need to accept their partner in the very same package that he/she comes in and then begin the journey from there. If the goal is to change the person from the beginning, then the relationship is bound to be doomed.
Ella Fitzgerald In her funny Valentine sings ''But dont change a hair for me''... you see how utopic it is?:-) but still... if someone wants to change an aspect of his character for you, he can do it without a request by caring if you are happy or not and when... you definatly deserve someone like that.
Γεια σου Μάνο μου. Ευχαριστώ πάρα πολύ για το μνήμα σου. Ελπίζω να είσαι πολύ καλά. Μου αρέσει πολύ αυτό το τραγούδι! Αλλά δίκιο έχεις.. Ίσως δεν είναι πολύ ρεαλιστικό... Ξέρεις, αγαπάω και αυτό το τραγούδι του Άκης Πάνου: ΑΣ ΤΟΝ ΤΡΕΛΛΟ ΣΤΗΝ ΤΡΕΛΛΑ ΤΟΥ Άσ’ τον τρελό στην τρέλα του και μη τον συνεφέρεις Τι κρύβει μέσα το μυαλό ενός τρελού δεν ξέρεις Μπορεί να βρει στην τρέλα του αυτά που ’χει ποθήσει και που δεν αξιώθηκε να δει και ν’ αποκτήσει Βρε άσ’ τον τρελό στην τρέλα του άσ’ τονε στο όνειρό του Τον κόσμο αυτό σιχάθηκε κι έφτιαξε ένα δικό του Πολλά φιλιά Μάνο !
Having a partner with a growth mentality who lives to experience and new things- that is my ideal partner. We don't have to be perfect right now but we should work together to always live and love a little better.
Because it's hard for most of us to accept that we're in fact, wrong, and that we need to change something about ourselves. It's hard to accept harsh truths about ourselves. It's hard to stop being hot headed or hard headed.
If you're trying to change someone using your values it won't work. But to communicate in their values and show the benefits to what's important to them will be received , usually, with gratitude. Obviously you need to figure out both yours and their values to be able to communicate that way.
Learning/teaching each other and helping each other to improve and be the best person they can be has always been my highest ideal of love. I was stunned to learn that most people don't think this way. Why on earth would I want to be with someone who'd let me get away with shitty behaviour and not care enough to call me out on it? Or someone who expected me to be silent when they're fucking up instead of being honest? That's not love to me.
This is the way I look at it: whenever two people are together they are going to learn things from each other regardless. This can be for the good or for the bad. If you want to be with someone you should try to accept what you can about that and what you can't accept try to let them know about it and see if they can fix it. If they can't change then you have to decide if you can accept them the way that they are or if we should just move on.
This reminds me very much of Viktor Frankl's meaning of love. Quote from his book, Man's Search for Meaning: No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.
@BlackSkullHeart Okay Sherlock. I think, first, you should learn who is Viktor Frankl. He is a neurologist, a psychiatrist, and a philosopher (also a holocaust survivor) - so I think he is in a much better position to say what the meaning of love and experience better than you are. He offers a humanist perspective on the meaning - as in love in its ideal form as described similarly by this video. Do your research if you're ready to make claims like your first comment - it is very ignorant of you. But just to educate you... because I love you. I would say that there are three forms of love - passionate, companionate, and philanthropy. Passionate and companionate love are studied by psychologists - whereas philanthropy (is philosophical) in its root meaning means the love for humanity. What you describe as love blinding people, exaggerating particular desired qualities, and that chemical reaction that is fast and short lived is what psychologists describe as passionate love. Passionate love - which lust - is short term and often non-lasting if it does not survive. BEYOND passionate love is companionate love, which entails a decrease in the love-cocktails and an increase in intimacy, and IF relationship compatibility is sustained, and can withstand long term. So if you feel committed to believing that you cannot be aware of another person in their most inner nature: either, you have never loved intimately or have rejected the idea of it due to some personal experience - nevertheless what potential should you have if you live alone in a cold dark world governed by the warmer elements of the human animal - a social animal to be precise. I don't disagree with you when you say people only see what they want to see - only because ignorance is bliss. I personally think you are better reason for why people should be skeptical because you are arrogant and ignorant. You are arrogant for not having given much thought for what you post, believing your belief is much more superior than the sentiment I quoted from an author. You're an ignorant because you claimed "That is largely false and psychology can prove it." (BlackSkullHeart's first comment) and not have considered the opposing source material. To be a skeptic is not to be ignorant of superfluous things, but it is to overcome doubt and to question why things are the way they are. You are ignorant of a core human element - do your research and look an Harlow's experiment and his monkeys.
@BlackSkullHeart Perhaps I misjudged the kind of person I thought you were, so I am sorry for that. I don't place Frankl on any authority on the definition or meaning of love. I don't appeal to him merely for his own occupation, but for his ideas - as is in his book. Authority on meaning of love? Nobody really is - but in every sense, everyone is their own judge for what they experience themselves. Frankl's definition of love is romanticized, i admit, but so is every human element we experience when we express them. It is undeniable that every product of our experience can be explained by psychology (ultimately). But it seems to be a straw man argument to reject a fundamental human element (such as emotions) based on its own hidden (or underlying) mechanisms. Should that be the case, there is no such thing as the reality we experience and it is nothing but atoms exchanging particles or whatever is beyond that. The point I am trying to make is - to explain the meaning of such emotions (in this case love), which are products of human experience, ought to be in terms of human expression. Yes those underlying psychological mechanism exist, but should psychologists ever discover these mechanisms, they only provide a mechanistic or a descriptive definition of what love is. When you feel happy: do you say, I am being flushed with dopamine and oxytocin? The masses would more likely respond: "I can't stop smiling" perhaps. Surely not the answer that would please you, but these are questions FOR humanist studies such as literature studies and and philosophy - the study of human beings as they are; in contrast to psychology - the study of the human mind. I think love, as any emotion as expressed, are expressions to describe a certain mode about a particular thing or being. To break it down to its mechanisms would not describe the 'meaning of the experience of (such emotion)' but to only describe what is happening. Even if psychologists are able to define the particular conditions for when such (true) emotion to occur, it will still most likely be that case the common individual will not be able to determine when that is the case - and still misuse the term like in everyday situations. I do think you contradict yourself a little when you say psychology can prove whatever and when you say you can never understand another human being. Perhaps neuroscience can, but not psychology by itself. Lets keep this civil, if we continue.
@BlackSkullHeart Certainly a person with your ideals should be asked: why on Earth are you doing watching videos such as these? There's no insights or personal development in this for you - you're not here to learn anything new. I think you're a fatalist... or at least you think like one. I'm only curious to ask because you intrigue me
Brilliant and oh so true. The deepest love connections are build through helping, serving and educating each-other. It creates a safe environment to make mistakes and ask for each-others feedback. With compassion and empathy. That's love.
I'm glad to have realized this aspect of relationships quickly. It really does make a difference when you look at your flaws as something to improve with the help of someone else.
yeah but you cant control your desires and outrageous fantasy . Marriage is a way to channel that energy and convert it into relationship albiet one with many responsibilities
I just cant shake that feeling that when a woman enters your life- you dedicate all your time and effort to entertain/please/take care of her, while leaving zero alone-time for yourself. I guess its not 100% accurate, but I'm sure its pretty much true. I wonder what would this world look like if mother nature didnt give us this urge to..well..fuck.
+eladbari I think you will find some elaborate articles about the no need to well, fuck. In asexual couples. They don't feel the need of it at all. And yet they still want companionship and love. Not the kind most will see as love, but it's still love. And some couples just benefit from being around each other, not devoting all their time energy or needs on each other. Like a friend, but with benefits. And people think they are a lovely couple in their eyes. There is so many variations of how to love and how and where you debit your time into doing it. Some people thrive on online love. Just knowing that somebody else cares for you, now that's a sweet thought. ^_^
お菓子ジェシカ I wonder how a relationship behind an asexual couple looks like. Does the man still takes out the garbage? works extra hard? takes crap of an annoyed woman yelling at him when he comes back from work? [lol..all of the "common" stuff people laugh at in stand-up comedy. That's pretty judgmental maybe towards women, but if people laugh about those topics, that a Man becomes just a desperate punching bag after marriage...being castrated by his woman that's now in control and decides many things for them...then maybe there's some truth to that? a little? Otherwise there were no jokes about it]... So, how does it have to do with what you say about asexual partners? I believe men take a lot of beatings because they wanna make their woman happy, so they can keep of having sex with them. That's my belief. So, with an asexual couple...the man doesnt need sex..so, will he still take all the beatings from his woman? Maybe its more ok to fight and not do Everything the woman wants?.. I just wonder. But, there's no real answer to that. Just an interesting thought of how you take sex out of the equation = then, what happens next? :]
This is almost word for word taken from your lecture "Alain de Botton on Romanticism". If people haven't watched it, I strongly recommend them to give it a listen, it's brilliant.
yes! hahah even if not a dating app, why not a socializing platform of a kind? It is so hard to keep trying to get my friends to watch this channel haha I need to know some people who already do! lol
PROBLEM with finding your real partner/soulmate, for me, is all about decision making. This "Partner" thing became such a critical choice in life [because society taught us to just pick one]..and you can be pretty happy with your current partner..yet, always think.. "what if I'd found a different partner who actually likes to watch "The School of Life" podcasts with me? And then sit for hours and just talk about it? About life?..as my current partner doesnt do that...". That's just an example of why It feels hard to choose who to stick with. You want your partner to connect with you on the important/spiritual areas in your life, and yet...most of us accept a partner that you "just get along pretty well with".... :\
I like your question. Because I feel right there with you. But if you ask and communicate with them to watch and see that they are still not that interested in what you find interesting. I agree, it is jarring. I'm not too interested in some of things my partner enjoys as well. It's all of working it out though. And we push each other to the best of our abilities. Though. I am always wondering if he would be happier than a girl that shared all his same interests. But hopefully the SOL gets to deep questions like these. Or goes over enough topics to ease our minds.
i believe that one partner can't fully satisfy everything you may want from him/her and it shouldn't be that way, its okay for them to not like what you may like as im sure you also may not like whatever he/she maybe into that is why having a partner is just one thing on the myriad of human connections one needs in order to lead a satisfying life, find a friend or maybe even just an acquaintance who share this interest and fulfill this need, but at the end of the day, a partner should always be willing to listen and be supportive of what you do. and the same thing should be expected of you. even if they don't quite ''get it'', conversations about it may not be quite as detailed and in-depth but its the thought that counts :))
alec poyopachii Youre totally right about our partners. They can never be that perfect fit. That's life. Nothing's and no one's perfect. So are we. But, regarding you saying we can maybe find satisfaction/fulfillment in friends instead of our partners [saying if our partners dont like to think or talk on deeper philosophical things..so we can find it in friends]...well? I think it can be true...But, if our partners dont dive into these meaningful talks, insights..how can we grow with them? They Are our other half...we should have the deepest connection with them..so how can we connect emotionally & spiritually with a partner that's not into talking about it with us? Talking about the meaning of having kids together..for example..diving together into that...you cant talk about it with a friend.. I remember times when I said to myself..ok, so im dating this cool girl, and everything is fine. we have fun together..etc. But..what if I dated a girl that can sing..or play guitar, like I do? If we could connect emotionally with music [its like a partner who knows your language]..how blissful and powerful a connection like this could be? Yes its fine now with the current girl..but, what if? These questions plague my mind..as you can never have T-he perfect partner.. I guess I'm just aspiring to find that girl that Does talk the language I'm talking..which is Music..Photography..& Deep conversations..and I always feel like there's no such creature out there for me. There maybe is..but it'll be hell to go through so many relationships to find her.. no one has that much time on earth :] so you settle..and im not a guy who settles..so I'm just alone right now.
So love is like someone having a ringside seat to your flaws? I am stubbornly trying to fight this but cannot find any flaws in this point and it angers me.
Love by nature is a chemical trick played on us by evolution. Humans 'fall' in love and breed. They stay in love so the children get a good start in life rather than be abandoned.
Obviously, but usually love ends after a few years or even months, but not just like that, but for reasons like the small details that extremely annoy the partner. If we learn to diplomatically "teach" our partners to avoid doing these things, we will stay in love for a longer time. And that will make us happier, presumably. Doesn't matter where it came from, teaching the partner to change some details about themselves will make us happier
Anyone else find that when they try to approach a subject fairly by offering both understanding in the others' position, and acknowledging fault in our own position, that those admissions instantly became new ammo to be used against us?
3:55 Reminds me of what famous artist/songwriter Alanis Morissette said about us all being both teachers and students depending upon the moment you catch us. And that is, in my opinion the problem with society today. We seem to lack the sensitivity or even understanding that we are and should be both things, meaning being able to speak and also listen. We are for the most part culturally shaped to be one-dimensional creatures without the proper and necessary openness to the full spectrum of human nature, that which we all are and are not at the same time. I have always said that love is actually understanding, and understanding is that which transcends all three centers of intelligence: the heart, head and gut.
This video is so inspiring!! I actually became a better person since I met my bf. He actually didn't teach me anything, but he's truly an incredible man and I'm always proud of him. He has his life goal and works really hard to make it true and that's to me is the sexiest thing in the world. His diligence inspires me to work harder. The only sad thing is he lives in another country and I don't know when we're gonna meet again :(
If your particularly bad at teaching, then your partner needs to be particularly good at teaching people to teach. That's going to take a lot of luck. What is required here is two people with a lot of patience. How often does that happen?
I think this also applies to all the types of love : I'd love to be able to discuss openly of my friends weaknesses without fearing rejection, conflict and incomprehension. That kind of sense of "betrayal". And also being able to recieve blunt criticisms from the one that best know me.
This is the second video I've seen where Alain complained about the way someone eats cereal and leaves towels on the floor. I think I'm beginning to gain insight into his particular neurosis.
I agree with this 100%. What stops people from listening to good advice? Ego. It's scary to bare yourself to someone so openly, but by god you learn so much when your heart is open.
I absolutely agree with the title of this video. You must love teaching and have passion in order to teach effectively. There's not many other professions where infusing passion into your work brings about immediate reward (students admire you, etc.)...
I thought you were going to talk about the education system and how teachers should love teaching students and thinking more about how to work with their flaws?
Even before your channel came out. I've been talking about the travesty of the education we have here in the US and (even around the world) I'd really like to get in touch with Alain. Please feel free to check out my channel and the topics I talk about :)
Hello there! There is a podcast called " Jeremy Vine's being human". He has an episode with Alain de Botton ( the founder of this channel) on education. I am sure you would like it. And there is an excellent article by Alain on The Newstatesman called " Education is what makes us fully human". Have a nice Sunday :-)
I have always seen much importance for communication between partners, especially in the pre-marriage time, but is is a bit hard to maintain that same rhythm after marriage. and I always defined it as communication and feedback to maintain ourselves and partners as human beings like we always did before marriage, turned out that the old greeks had the same way of thinking before i discovered this, even though it would be great if more couples see this video and learn from it, sometimes i hear extremely sad stories from people and all their agony is because of not knowing this simple lesson
In a lot of ways, being a better person involves coming to terms with the negative parts of your own self in this way, and patiently and understandingly prune the behaviours.
Love = admiration for perfection, that is the crucial point in the video. Soul mate is a perfect person for ourselves and that is, someone whom we admire very much..
This is so true. Though I'm not in this relationship due to external circumstances, I recall that the most pleasurable and respected person I know was my ex in that she did help me grow tremendously as the individual I am today. There aren't any feelings, it's been years, but I cannot help give tremendous respect for this person and the relationship was fantastic.
This is true on so many levels. I've just realised that I am a bad teacher but a good pupil. :) All these lessons are changing me in a positive way and as you say it "making me a better person". Thank you so much "The School of Life"
A true love is when you embrace the flaws of another person and even find them funny and charming, some sort of unique distinguishing features... as for mutual teaching and learning, not all the partners want to teach and learn - especially if they're strong personalities or just stubborn people (imho)
Yes, and that's the very bias that this video is trying to uproot, because it is the source of discontent in many a relationship: "if my partner doesn't accept me in my entirety, then they don't truly love me." It should be obvious why this leads to suffering: there will never be a person who's so perfect that you will love all of their flaws. But it doesn't need to be this way. If we define love as admiring another's strengths, but only tolerating, rather than embracing, their weaknesses, we can develop expectations that are more grounded in reality and that better serve as the foundation for the relationship. This way, lecturing your partner about one of their flaws that you don't like then feels less like sniping at them or berating them, and more like guiding them, helping them. It can become a a bonding process that allows each partner to both understand the other better and be better understood.
This does seem good unless done with humiliation and so much that it excludes most other things, which would be insufferable. Four years later, I see that I meant, "This doesn't apply to abusive relationships, only good ones."
I think love and teaching goes together, because as he said in the video but also from my own logic and common sense , I think we need to learn from each other and learn about ourselfs what makes us happy or unhappy with the person , and why something may make us unhappy, and what we can do about it, or to realize rhat it’s not that big of a problem in the first place. Maybe we just over reacted in our own minds, and weren’t being kind or freeing enough to let something like the way someone eats slide I think if I was in a Relationship with someone and they didn’t like the way I eat is more of a them/ you problem but I’d also be pen to understand why she doesn’t like it so I can work on it After all complaining about a problem doesn’t help it but only give power to it, but talking about it may help because where working to understanding and learn about each other needs and wants ❤ Which is understable and exceptional from both partners I highly suggest for anyone that’s reading this not to date someone, until you are pretty happy with who you are at this moment in time but also happy that your learning and still exploring yourself You see if we don’t have “loving” parents then we may not end up knowing how to love our self’s or to care about our emotions and give them attention that they need, your parents still love you even if they can’t give the support and emotional love. Make something Beautiful out of that past and that self Niglet by not neglecting yourself and showing up and loving yourself and acknowledging your own emotions and your own self worth I hope someone read this and took it to heart Trust in love ❤ I hope everyone will do good in their paths and journey they chose to take, we all grow Emotionally, psychology and wiser If we chose to
Also, there's something to be said for coming a lot more to peace with ourselves and others just as we are. I for one personally find it exhausting to always be expected to do more, be better, and always be expecting the same of others.
true but tbh you can be the greatest teacher and lover but none of that matters if you don't know how to use your time and energy wisely cuz some people are a waste of time to teach not in a negative way. but more like they literally choose to do the opposite of what you say and ignore you basically self love comes first and realizing you can't save anyone. but those who are willing to learn is different because they are just like you one must always be the student and the teacher. a true love is a learner and teacher. when you find someone like that too blessings
My goals when it comes to a lover, is to meet someone that is mature enough to understand that loving is about teaching and learning. I love the idea of self cultivation and I grow apart from people who don't grow. Life is too valuable to stay in the state of being and I want someone who loves to learn and discover things about the world and about themselves :)
The kind of love brought up might make more sense if you ponder about in the love and learning in a 'parent and child' relationship before applying it to a couple.
The problem with this is that you can't expect two people to agree on what makes a "better person" and there is no right answer. One person might think that modesty makes them a "better person" but the other might find confidence and pride more attractive and therefore "better". In this situation, I'd argue that the other person should be as (if not more) prepared to learn and so I think it has to be a two way thing, not a teacher and a student.
a lot of good points here, but in keeping with the psychological concept of projection, I think we'd all be a lot happier if we were busier dealing with our own issues than trying to fix one another, and when we absolutely felt we had to say something, being far kinder and gentle about it. I think it's also often true people reject less what we say, and more _how_ we say it...vinegar versus honey and all that.
How could someone get mad when someone else points out their flaws!? knowledge solves problems and stops suffering therefore when someone gives you the priceless knowledge of flaws you cannot find in yourself you should thank them as hard as you can. Even if they actually do mean to point out your flaws in a bad way that doesn't mean you cant learn something from it. I would shrug this off like every other time people do incredibly stupid shit but this is the most quintessential and obvious lesson i can think of.
He talks about a healthy relationship and not about love. What is strange about love is that without it we have no desire to make a good impact on someone else. Love raises an irrational urge to improve ourselves and those we love.
The goal of a relationship is to get to the end of the relationship, and have the expirience and memories. In the end all that counts are the moments we spent with someone, this bits, they make a mark on us and we will remember them, they are a part of us.
that's interesting...the goal of relationship is to ...well..finish it and keep walking away with the loot of good memories? interesting to be aware of that while having a relationship... And we're taught that the goal of relationship is to...well...keep it alive forever...
You can try, i support that. I think that we should try the best and hardest we can to make a relationship as good as possible and even to maintain it. I tried it, i am not in this relationship anymore but i'm still glad i did give my best, in the end it just didn't work out. But i embrace this expirience and i have learned, a lot. Just enjoy the moment and make it as good as you cann.
mix0nix 1. Could you please give me some examples of what it means that you did your best to maintain this relationship? 2. p.s- Regarding your quote of "goal of relationship is to finish it"... I have a friend who broke up 2-3 times with his girlfriend [who really acted strange & unfair towards him]- and now? Guess what? Theyre getting married..as he says "she changed". This really blew my mind, as it was against logic from him to come back to her. I wonder if insisting like that is smart move. Maybe "love wins in the end?" and its more powerful than logic? Or maybe your phrase is correct..and when it ended once..it will end again...
Yarah el gerzawY Yarah...can you please explain what you mean about being "smart" in a relationship? any examples? What do you mean by "you can never lose in a relationship"? Maybe you meant "you can never lose from experiencing a relationship because you always lean and get smarter with time"? Is that what you meant by being smarter? So even a failed relationship is ok because you learn something so you never lose? That's my translation to what you said..but maybe im wrong? What did you mean exactly?
No one will give a damn about this but I will write about myself. Well I guess my mentality about love was correct. I wanted to help my girlfriend to be mentally stronger and confident. I wanted her to help me drop the apathy inside me. It's a long distance relationship, and she occasionally notifies me that she is with other guys, not necessarily for close action, but just hanging out. She loves abs as well. At first I was confident, but later on I felt like such a puny human, helpless and pathetic. She dumped me afterwards. I am supposed to travel back to my country after few months. I've lost over 10kg (63 now), and guess who is gonna be ripped soon? I guess hatred, determination of revenge, sadness, all the negative emotions become my fuel. I don't think I will ever find a life companion, not with this honest and straight attitude. I'm 19 years old, does this make me edgy? I hope not. I come from a poor family I just want to stand on top of the world, look back to my achievements, and share the moment with my beloved one who supported me through the hardships.
Beeblebrox there are females looking for honest and straight forward, no nonsense, no superficial love, no mind games male companions too. You are ONLY 19. Don’t let young love taint your hope in finding a committed, mature partner. Life is a journey. Keep it open 👍🏼 ps: i have to point out that you are only 19. Even though age is just a number but it does serve as a benchmark for comparison sake. To know that you are not “odd”. Therefore it is safe to say that you are definitely one of the rare ones being so mature for your age with your understanding about love. There are those in their late 20s - 30s who still have not got a single clue on acceptable & appropriate relationship behaviour. They claim to want a relationship but still want to maintain their singlehood mentality and lifestyle. You are definitely the top 0.01% in terms of maturity 🙌🏼👏🏼👍🏼 Keep doing you!
This is exactly why I find things like pride, over-defensiveness and perfectionism so annoying when in relationships. My life philosophy is for Self-improvement and if someone I'm with doesn't have or feel a sense of duty in bettering themselves, it would be very hard to live with them for the rest of my life.
What a great discussion (and gentle graphic) It was a hindsight now,but I wish which I had seen this, few months ago (however I'm not sure that it would do any good, back then)
This was the chat from yesterday's lunch, between me and a friend! Talking about synchronicity... :) Anyway, I struggle with this ATM... it's difficult to change beliefs, but it makes so much sense... Thanks for the upload!
In modern love I never view teaching and love rather the judgmental love which makes me frighten to love anyone in this age also it would be wise to improve the person you love and make them better instead of judging them just based on their qualities and ignoring their bad qualities a true lover would definitely love every aspect and adapt to bad qualities to other person.
Great video! It all makes more sense to modern mindsets if we look at a truly great friendship (with no romantic element involved). Good friends help and support each other - and true help is all about teaching and learning (providing and receiving crucial information to make life better). If a friend has better at something than I am, I don't envy them, I appreciate truly helpful advice and hopefully I will learn and be able to teach other things in return, because I want to. The same should apply to a romantic relationship. Thanks for the great video!
I think it hurts us when our partner tries to teach us because it remind us of our parents trying to teach us through violence or insult. Just yesterday I fought about this with my husband. I call him scientific/semantic inquisitor because he is always correcting me if my data/statistics/mathematics are not ok or if the meaning of a word I am using is "incorrect". I hate when he does that. But what it hurts me the most is the math part, and I know that it's because when I was a child my dad used to try to teach math to me and my siblings by hitting us or insulting us if we didn't come up with the right answer of if we "weren't thinking". It was awful! This created me such anxiety that even though I am a scientist, every time someone asks me in public something math-related I completely panic because I am afraid of giving the wrong answer and come across as stupid. So when my husband tries to correct my math, I feel I suck and thus my dad was right in doing what he did. My husband's attempts to teach me math feel like my dad saying "see, you are stupid". :(
sad to hear that :c I'm a science student who loves maths. getting things wrong sometimes doesn't make us stupid, it makes us humans. we aren't calculators or computers, what we lack in mathematical perfection, we make up for with passion and interest. perhaps it would be best to explain how you feel to your husband so he knows how best to help you, I'm sure he has good intent but might not realise the effects of his words.
"People think a soul mate is your prefect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror. The person who shows you everything that is holding you back. The person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."
I like that quote. I would add that any person can be your mirror, not just a soulmate.
Gee, that's why I'm single haha.
Jokes aside, I really do improve after a good ol' self-loathing. But I really want someone to slap me and say "You are fucking pathetic. Now do this and that, and become a greater person."
Unfortunately I know many people who dislike looking into the mirror, especially when all they can focus on is the flaws. Love really does require not only an open heart, but an open mind as well.
thats the problem with the quote of Jonathan [which is awesome btw]...
But the problem is that actually any friend of yours who knows you a little - can be your mirror.
Maybe what makes this soulmate different is in that part of helping you improve. something a friend may not? I dunno...
eladbari i think a regular freind is not as invested as a lover in teaching
I'll always remember the first words my wife said to me. She walked up behind me, touched me gently on the shoulder and whispered "you missed a belt loop". I thought "this is the girl for me".
Wonderful!
What saddens me the most is nobody ever tells you what's on their minds.
And there is no way of knowing what someone is thinking or feeling.
this,a billion goddamn times.
It's hard to say it.
Technocracy That would be very useful as it will make life a lot easier.
Learn body language and you will wish you didn't want to know what's on peoples minds. It's amazing how indecisive, doubtful, insecure and or aggressive most people are.
I am very guilty of this with my partner. And it's so true. :( I have so many sad things on my mind that are irrational or meaningless. I don't want to share any of it with him. Because by the next thought it won't be of that it will be of something different happier and more loving. It's nice to know that thoughts can be kept as private thoughts. That we don't have to open every single thought up, because in the end we all might really hurt each other without even realizing it. It still saddens me I bottle my mind up from everyone. But it makes me feel secure about myself when I have the power to make rational decisions and say the right things and not the wrong things I am feeling or thinking about. ^_^
I wanted to tell two stories:
1. Academy award winning, amazing actress Meryl Streep told this one on an interview once. She said that for a movie she was making, she had to learn to speak with the Irish accent. The director of the movie hired a teacher for her and then they have worked together for a while, which was fine.
Then, when the shooting of the movie began, the teacher would sit there and watch Meryl Streep, and he would take notes after every "wrongly pronounced" word he heard. Then he would come up to her and give her instructions about every single syllable she still has to work on.
He was very kind and all but Meryl Streep said that after a couple of days she couldn't take it anymore. One of the best actresses in the world could NOT act anymore! So they had to remove the guy from the set.
My point is that some people do it this way in their relationships : they give you the feeling of being constantly " observed and evaluated". As if you had to pass a daily, continuous exam, in order to first "deserve" some affection for God's sake. Friends who went through this will know: it is very humiliating, suffocating and paralysing.
So you must be wise enough to distinguish a loving person who wants the best for you from an egomaniac who sees you as an extension of himself. Especially if you had a troubled childhood, watch out for all the weird stuff and keep away from cruel people. Because you may be subconsciously looking for that type, in order to feel " at home".
2. The second story is about expectations:
There is a town in Belgium called Geel, where the families follow a 700 years old incredible tradition: they accept people with all sorts of severe mental diseases as a new member into their families and live with them and care for them for decades. That's one of the most beautiful stories about brotherhood I have ever heard. It's so touching. You can hear all about it on an Invisibilia podcast . The episode is called:
" The Problem with the Solution"
Psychologists say that when they put those people back into their real families, or back into their marriages, their condition usually gets worst. Because of the "extremely high expectations" put on their shoulders.
But their " new families" , who are just "strangers" who don't mind, make them feel that it's alright to be the way they are. And it is this feeling of freedom and serenity, that makes them get better.
How interesting...
I agree with everything said in this very wise lesson. But here is an important point:
I think you can be very ambitious about being a good student yourself. . But you must not be too ambitious or obsessive about setting the other person straight. Be extremely kind, say only one little thing at a time and expect as less as possible.
Hello there! Good morning. Thanks a lot for reading:-)
You've put this across so beautifully! It's true that no relationship is without give and take and a certain level of maturity is expected from the people involved to make it work. The role of the teacher, student or even lesson shouldn't be too defined. One will need to accept their partner in the very same package that he/she comes in and then begin the journey from there. If the goal is to change the person from the beginning, then the relationship is bound to be doomed.
Hello Hima! Thanks a lot for reading and for your beautiful message. Have a nice week:-)
Ella Fitzgerald In her funny Valentine sings ''But dont change a hair for me''... you see how utopic it is?:-) but still... if someone wants to change an aspect of his character for you, he can do it without a request by caring if you are happy or not and when... you definatly deserve someone like that.
Γεια σου Μάνο μου. Ευχαριστώ πάρα πολύ για το μνήμα σου. Ελπίζω να
είσαι πολύ καλά. Μου αρέσει πολύ αυτό το τραγούδι! Αλλά δίκιο έχεις.. Ίσως δεν είναι πολύ ρεαλιστικό... Ξέρεις, αγαπάω και αυτό το τραγούδι του Άκης Πάνου:
ΑΣ ΤΟΝ ΤΡΕΛΛΟ ΣΤΗΝ ΤΡΕΛΛΑ ΤΟΥ
Άσ’ τον τρελό στην τρέλα του
και μη τον συνεφέρεις
Τι κρύβει μέσα το μυαλό
ενός τρελού δεν ξέρεις
Μπορεί να βρει στην τρέλα του
αυτά που ’χει ποθήσει
και που δεν αξιώθηκε
να δει και ν’ αποκτήσει
Βρε άσ’ τον τρελό στην τρέλα του
άσ’ τονε στο όνειρό του
Τον κόσμο αυτό σιχάθηκε
κι έφτιαξε ένα δικό του
Πολλά φιλιά Μάνο !
Having a partner with a growth mentality who lives to experience and new things- that is my ideal partner. We don't have to be perfect right now but we should work together to always live and love a little better.
That makes so much sense. It's hard to do in practice.
Well, if you can get your partner on board with it, I think you could figure something out.
Because it's hard for most of us to accept that we're in fact, wrong, and that we need to change something about ourselves. It's hard to accept harsh truths about ourselves. It's hard to stop being hot headed or hard headed.
If you're trying to change someone using your values it won't work. But to communicate in their values and show the benefits to what's important to them will be received , usually, with gratitude. Obviously you need to figure out both yours and their values to be able to communicate that way.
Learning/teaching each other and helping each other to improve and be the best person they can be has always been my highest ideal of love. I was stunned to learn that most people don't think this way. Why on earth would I want to be with someone who'd let me get away with shitty behaviour and not care enough to call me out on it? Or someone who expected me to be silent when they're fucking up instead of being honest? That's not love to me.
This is the way I look at it: whenever two people are together they are going to learn things from each other regardless. This can be for the good or for the bad. If you want to be with someone you should try to accept what you can about that and what you can't accept try to let them know about it and see if they can fix it. If they can't change then you have to decide if you can accept them the way that they are or if we should just move on.
This reminds me very much of Viktor Frankl's meaning of love. Quote from his book, Man's Search for Meaning:
No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.
+Alexander Awesome!
@BlackSkullHeart Lol ok - if you think so, "Black Skull Heart"
@BlackSkullHeart Okay Sherlock. I think, first, you should learn who is Viktor Frankl. He is a neurologist, a psychiatrist, and a philosopher (also a holocaust survivor) - so I think he is in a much better position to say what the meaning of love and experience better than you are. He offers a humanist perspective on the meaning - as in love in its ideal form as described similarly by this video.
Do your research if you're ready to make claims like your first comment - it is very ignorant of you. But just to educate you... because I love you.
I would say that there are three forms of love - passionate, companionate, and philanthropy. Passionate and companionate love are studied by psychologists - whereas philanthropy (is philosophical) in its root meaning means the love for humanity. What you describe as love blinding people, exaggerating particular desired qualities, and that chemical reaction that is fast and short lived is what psychologists describe as passionate love. Passionate love - which lust - is short term and often non-lasting if it does not survive. BEYOND passionate love is companionate love, which entails a decrease in the love-cocktails and an increase in intimacy, and IF relationship compatibility is sustained, and can withstand long term. So if you feel committed to believing that you cannot be aware of another person in their most inner nature: either, you have never loved intimately or have rejected the idea of it due to some personal experience - nevertheless what potential should you have if you live alone in a cold dark world governed by the warmer elements of the human animal - a social animal to be precise.
I don't disagree with you when you say people only see what they want to see - only because ignorance is bliss. I personally think you are better reason for why people should be skeptical because you are arrogant and ignorant. You are arrogant for not having given much thought for what you post, believing your belief is much more superior than the sentiment I quoted from an author. You're an ignorant because you claimed "That is largely false and psychology can prove it." (BlackSkullHeart's first comment) and not have considered the opposing source material. To be a skeptic is not to be ignorant of superfluous things, but it is to overcome doubt and to question why things are the way they are. You are ignorant of a core human element - do your research and look an Harlow's experiment and his monkeys.
@BlackSkullHeart Perhaps I misjudged the kind of person I thought you were, so I am sorry for that. I don't place Frankl on any authority on the definition or meaning of love. I don't appeal to him merely for his own occupation, but for his ideas - as is in his book. Authority on meaning of love? Nobody really is - but in every sense, everyone is their own judge for what they experience themselves. Frankl's definition of love is romanticized, i admit, but so is every human element we experience when we express them.
It is undeniable that every product of our experience can be explained by psychology (ultimately). But it seems to be a straw man argument to reject a fundamental human element (such as emotions) based on its own hidden (or underlying) mechanisms. Should that be the case, there is no such thing as the reality we experience and it is nothing but atoms exchanging particles or whatever is beyond that.
The point I am trying to make is - to explain the meaning of such emotions (in this case love), which are products of human experience, ought to be in terms of human expression. Yes those underlying psychological mechanism exist, but should psychologists ever discover these mechanisms, they only provide a mechanistic or a descriptive definition of what love is. When you feel happy: do you say, I am being flushed with dopamine and oxytocin? The masses would more likely respond: "I can't stop smiling" perhaps. Surely not the answer that would please you, but these are questions FOR humanist studies such as literature studies and and philosophy - the study of human beings as they are; in contrast to psychology - the study of the human mind. I think love, as any emotion as expressed, are expressions to describe a certain mode about a particular thing or being. To break it down to its mechanisms would not describe the 'meaning of the experience of (such emotion)' but to only describe what is happening. Even if psychologists are able to define the particular conditions for when such (true) emotion to occur, it will still most likely be that case the common individual will not be able to determine when that is the case - and still misuse the term like in everyday situations.
I do think you contradict yourself a little when you say psychology can prove whatever and when you say you can never understand another human being. Perhaps neuroscience can, but not psychology by itself. Lets keep this civil, if we continue.
@BlackSkullHeart Certainly a person with your ideals should be asked: why on Earth are you doing watching videos such as these?
There's no insights or personal development in this for you - you're not here to learn anything new. I think you're a fatalist... or at least you think like one. I'm only curious to ask because you intrigue me
Brilliant and oh so true. The deepest love connections are build through helping, serving and educating each-other. It creates a safe environment to make mistakes and ask for each-others feedback. With compassion and empathy. That's love.
I'm glad to have realized this aspect of relationships quickly. It really does make a difference when you look at your flaws as something to improve with the help of someone else.
Love has always baffled me. Sometimes I wonder whether human coupling is worth the trouble, whether being alone is the best choice in the first place.
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me
No more
yeah but you cant control your desires and outrageous fantasy . Marriage is a way to channel that energy and convert it into relationship albiet one with many responsibilities
I just cant shake that feeling that when a woman enters your life- you dedicate all your time and effort to entertain/please/take care of her, while leaving zero alone-time for yourself. I guess its not 100% accurate, but I'm sure its pretty much true. I wonder what would this world look like if mother nature didnt give us this urge to..well..fuck.
+eladbari I think you will find some elaborate articles about the no need to well, fuck. In asexual couples. They don't feel the need of it at all. And yet they still want companionship and love. Not the kind most will see as love, but it's still love. And some couples just benefit from being around each other, not devoting all their time energy or needs on each other. Like a friend, but with benefits. And people think they are a lovely couple in their eyes. There is so many variations of how to love and how and where you debit your time into doing it. Some people thrive on online love. Just knowing that somebody else cares for you, now that's a sweet thought. ^_^
お菓子ジェシカ I wonder how a relationship behind an asexual couple looks like.
Does the man still takes out the garbage? works extra hard? takes crap of an annoyed woman yelling at him when he comes back from work? [lol..all of the "common" stuff people laugh at in stand-up comedy. That's pretty judgmental maybe towards women, but if people laugh about those topics, that a Man becomes just a desperate punching bag after marriage...being castrated by his woman that's now in control and decides many things for them...then maybe there's some truth to that? a little? Otherwise there were no jokes about it]...
So, how does it have to do with what you say about asexual partners? I believe men take a lot of beatings because they wanna make their woman happy, so they can keep of having sex with them. That's my belief.
So, with an asexual couple...the man doesnt need sex..so, will he still take all the beatings from his woman? Maybe its more ok to fight and not do Everything the woman wants?.. I just wonder. But, there's no real answer to that. Just an interesting thought of how you take sex out of the equation = then, what happens next? :]
This is almost word for word taken from your lecture "Alain de Botton on Romanticism". If people haven't watched it, I strongly recommend them to give it a listen, it's brilliant.
I would love to date someone who is an avid watcher of the school of life . Alain you should create a dating app for intellectuals :)
+Zuhaib Totally agree. How about it School of Life? Try to get people together who actually believe in your teachings and WANT to try. ☺
yes! hahah even if not a dating app, why not a socializing platform of a kind? It is so hard to keep trying to get my friends to watch this channel haha I need to know some people who already do! lol
+Yarah el gerzawY Im into that! Great idea
maybe what he meant wasn't self described intellectual but someone who wants to improve themselves intellectually and emotionally
Wholesome reply Hong Ben Low ... Good Job
This is exactly what i'v been discussing with friends lately. Exactly how i see a relationship.
PROBLEM with finding your real partner/soulmate, for me, is all about decision making.
This "Partner" thing became such a critical choice in life [because society taught us to just pick one]..and you can be pretty happy with your current partner..yet, always think.. "what if I'd found a different partner who actually likes to watch "The School of Life" podcasts with me? And then sit for hours and just talk about it? About life?..as my current partner doesnt do that...".
That's just an example of why It feels hard to choose who to stick with. You want your partner to connect with you on the important/spiritual areas in your life, and yet...most of us accept a partner that you "just get along pretty well with".... :\
I like your question. Because I feel right there with you. But if you ask and communicate with them to watch and see that they are still not that interested in what you find interesting. I agree, it is jarring. I'm not too interested in some of things my partner enjoys as well. It's all of working it out though. And we push each other to the best of our abilities. Though. I am always wondering if he would be happier than a girl that shared all his same interests. But hopefully the SOL gets to deep questions like these. Or goes over enough topics to ease our minds.
+お菓子ジェシカ *with*^ not than. Lol mobile needs to add an adit feature^
i believe that one partner can't fully satisfy everything you may want from him/her and it shouldn't be that way, its okay for them to not like what you may like as im sure you also may not like whatever he/she maybe into
that is why having a partner is just one thing on the myriad of human connections one needs in order to lead a satisfying life, find a friend or maybe even just an acquaintance who share this interest and fulfill this need,
but at the end of the day, a partner should always be willing to listen and be supportive of what you do. and the same thing should be expected of you. even if they don't quite ''get it'', conversations about it may not be quite as detailed and in-depth but its the thought that counts :))
alec poyopachii Youre totally right about our partners. They can never be that perfect fit. That's life. Nothing's and no one's perfect. So are we.
But, regarding you saying we can maybe find satisfaction/fulfillment in friends instead of our partners [saying if our partners dont like to think or talk on deeper philosophical things..so we can find it in friends]...well? I think it can be true...But, if our partners dont dive into these meaningful talks, insights..how can we grow with them? They Are our other half...we should have the deepest connection with them..so how can we connect emotionally & spiritually with a partner that's not into talking about it with us?
Talking about the meaning of having kids together..for example..diving together into that...you cant talk about it with a friend..
I remember times when I said to myself..ok, so im dating this cool girl, and everything is fine. we have fun together..etc. But..what if I dated a girl that can sing..or play guitar, like I do? If we could connect emotionally with music [its like a partner who knows your language]..how blissful and powerful a connection like this could be? Yes its fine now with the current girl..but, what if?
These questions plague my mind..as you can never have T-he perfect partner..
I guess I'm just aspiring to find that girl that Does talk the language I'm talking..which is Music..Photography..& Deep conversations..and I always feel like there's no such creature out there for me. There maybe is..but it'll be hell to go through so many relationships to find her.. no one has that much time on earth :] so you settle..and im not a guy who settles..so I'm just alone right now.
So love is like someone having a ringside seat to your flaws? I am stubbornly trying to fight this but cannot find any flaws in this point and it angers me.
***** That's alot of luck to hope for isn't it?
Love is by nature an act of faith and irrationality.
Love by nature is a chemical trick played on us by evolution. Humans 'fall' in love and breed. They stay in love so the children get a good start in life rather than be abandoned.
Ken Morgan Break the cycle, embrace science.
Obviously, but usually love ends after a few years or even months, but not just like that, but for reasons like the small details that extremely annoy the partner. If we learn to diplomatically "teach" our partners to avoid doing these things, we will stay in love for a longer time. And that will make us happier, presumably. Doesn't matter where it came from, teaching the partner to change some details about themselves will make us happier
Anyone else find that when they try to approach a subject fairly by offering both understanding in the others' position, and acknowledging fault in our own position, that those admissions instantly became new ammo to be used against us?
3:55 Reminds me of what famous artist/songwriter Alanis Morissette said about us all being both teachers and students depending upon the moment you catch us. And that is, in my opinion the problem with society today. We seem to lack the sensitivity or even understanding that we are and should be both things, meaning being able to speak and also listen. We are for the most part culturally shaped to be one-dimensional creatures without the proper and necessary openness to the full spectrum of human nature, that which we all are and are not at the same time. I have always said that love is actually understanding, and understanding is that which transcends all three centers of intelligence: the heart, head and gut.
I swear this is the best channel on TH-cam!
This video is so inspiring!! I actually became a better person since I met my bf. He actually didn't teach me anything, but he's truly an incredible man and I'm always proud of him. He has his life goal and works really hard to make it true and that's to me is the sexiest thing in the world. His diligence inspires me to work harder. The only sad thing is he lives in another country and I don't know when we're gonna meet again :(
If your particularly bad at teaching, then your partner needs to be particularly good at teaching people to teach. That's going to take a lot of luck. What is required here is two people with a lot of patience. How often does that happen?
Estimate : very rare._. By human nature. Until we consciously try to improve both independently and collectively, this is the reality
I think this also applies to all the types of love : I'd love to be able to discuss openly of my friends weaknesses without fearing rejection, conflict and incomprehension. That kind of sense of "betrayal". And also being able to recieve blunt criticisms from the one that best know me.
This is the second video I've seen where Alain complained about the way someone eats cereal and leaves towels on the floor. I think I'm beginning to gain insight into his particular neurosis.
I agree with this 100%. What stops people from listening to good advice? Ego. It's scary to bare yourself to someone so openly, but by god you learn so much when your heart is open.
This just described my relationship... I will improve. Thank you so much
the key is to be respectful when brining up flaws.
I absolutely agree with the title of this video. You must love teaching and have passion in order to teach effectively. There's not many other professions where infusing passion into your work brings about immediate reward (students admire you, etc.)...
I thought you were going to talk about the education system and how teachers should love teaching students and thinking more about how to work with their flaws?
Even before your channel came out. I've been talking about the travesty of the education we have here in the US and (even around the world) I'd really like to get in touch with Alain. Please feel free to check out my channel and the topics I talk about :)
Hello there! There is a podcast called " Jeremy Vine's being
human". He has an episode with Alain de Botton ( the founder of this
channel) on education. I am sure you would like it. And there is an
excellent article by Alain on The Newstatesman called " Education is
what makes us fully human". Have a nice Sunday :-)
I also made a podcast on education
smartman400.podomatic.com/entry/2011-10-10T18_46_08-07_00
definately one of the best videos on the channel, love how its teaches modesty
I have always seen much importance for communication between partners, especially in the pre-marriage time, but is is a bit hard to maintain that same rhythm after marriage.
and I always defined it as communication and feedback to maintain ourselves and partners as human beings like we always did before marriage, turned out that the old greeks had the same way of thinking before i discovered this, even though it would be great if more couples see this video and learn from it, sometimes i hear extremely sad stories from people and all their agony is because of not knowing this simple lesson
Those endings always give me goosebumps
In a lot of ways, being a better person involves coming to terms with the negative parts of your own self in this way, and patiently and understandingly prune the behaviours.
The graphic here is awesome!
this guy assumes we already have someone to love 😒😩😭
Love = admiration for perfection, that is the crucial point in the video. Soul mate is a perfect person for ourselves and that is, someone whom we admire very much..
why am i always having hard time grasping all these philosophical monologue ;-;
not the only one 😂😅
try watching more than once ?🙄
Wow thats exactly what i look for in a friend
This is so true. Though I'm not in this relationship due to external circumstances, I recall that the most pleasurable and respected person I know was my ex in that she did help me grow tremendously as the individual I am today. There aren't any feelings, it's been years, but I cannot help give tremendous respect for this person and the relationship was fantastic.
This is true on so many levels. I've just realised that I am a bad teacher but a good pupil. :) All these lessons are changing me in a positive way and as you say it "making me a better person". Thank you so much "The School of Life"
A true love is when you embrace the flaws of another person and even find them funny and charming, some sort of unique distinguishing features... as for mutual teaching and learning, not all the partners want to teach and learn - especially if they're strong personalities or just stubborn people (imho)
i think you missed the point
Yes, and that's the very bias that this video is trying to uproot, because it is the source of discontent in many a relationship: "if my partner doesn't accept me in my entirety, then they don't truly love me."
It should be obvious why this leads to suffering: there will never be a person who's so perfect that you will love all of their flaws.
But it doesn't need to be this way. If we define love as admiring another's strengths, but only tolerating, rather than embracing, their weaknesses, we can develop expectations that are more grounded in reality and that better serve as the foundation for the relationship.
This way, lecturing your partner about one of their flaws that you don't like then feels less like sniping at them or berating them, and more like guiding them, helping them. It can become a a bonding process that allows each partner to both understand the other better and be better understood.
Damn did you even watch the video?
Hobbes I did.
No one's ever learned anything under condition of humiliation. Amen to that.
This does seem good unless done with humiliation and so much that it excludes most other things, which would be insufferable. Four years later, I see that I meant, "This doesn't apply to abusive relationships, only good ones."
The graphics are brilliant. The artist is an amazingly clever person. Thank you...
aspiring to be a teacher, stoked for the video ☺
I think love and teaching goes together, because as he said in the video but also from my own logic and common sense , I think we need to learn from each other and learn about ourselfs what makes us happy or unhappy with the person , and why something may make us unhappy, and what we can do about it, or to realize rhat it’s not that big of a problem in the first place.
Maybe we just over reacted in our own minds, and weren’t being kind or freeing enough to let something like the way someone eats slide
I think if I was in a Relationship with someone and they didn’t like the way I eat is more of a them/ you problem but I’d also be pen to understand why she doesn’t like it so I can work on it
After all complaining about a problem doesn’t help it but only give power to it, but talking about it may help because where working to understanding and learn about each other needs and wants ❤
Which is understable and exceptional from both partners
I highly suggest for anyone that’s reading this not to date someone, until you are pretty happy with who you are at this moment in time but also happy that your learning and still exploring yourself
You see if we don’t have “loving” parents then we may not end up knowing how to love our self’s or to care about our emotions and give them attention that they need, your parents still love you even if they can’t give the support and emotional love.
Make something Beautiful out of that past and that self Niglet by not neglecting yourself and showing up and loving yourself and acknowledging your own emotions and your own self worth
I hope someone read this and took it to heart
Trust in love ❤ I hope everyone will do good in their paths and journey they chose to take, we all grow Emotionally, psychology and wiser
If we chose to
Also, there's something to be said for coming a lot more to peace with ourselves and others just as we are. I for one personally find it exhausting to always be expected to do more, be better, and always be expecting the same of others.
best channel on youtube!! (then comes manufactory :P)
yep
by far.
This video is so beatiful but it hurts me so much and fills me with regrets
Check out nonviolent communication. It's probably the best way to teach and to be taught about each other's flaws!
true but tbh you can be the greatest teacher and lover but none of that matters if you don't know how to use your time and energy wisely cuz some people are a waste of time to teach not in a negative way. but more like they literally choose to do the opposite of what you say and ignore you basically self love comes first and realizing you can't save anyone. but those who are willing to learn is different because they are just like you one must always be the student and the teacher. a true love is a learner and teacher. when you find someone like that too blessings
My goals when it comes to a lover, is to meet someone that is mature enough to understand that loving is about teaching and learning. I love the idea of self cultivation and I grow apart from people who don't grow. Life is too valuable to stay in the state of being and I want someone who loves to learn and discover things about the world and about themselves :)
The kind of love brought up might make more sense if you ponder about in the love and learning in a 'parent and child' relationship before applying it to a couple.
The problem with this is that you can't expect two people to agree on what makes a "better person" and there is no right answer. One person might think that modesty makes them a "better person" but the other might find confidence and pride more attractive and therefore "better". In this situation, I'd argue that the other person should be as (if not more) prepared to learn and so I think it has to be a two way thing, not a teacher and a student.
And learning and teaching applies to every relationship. Or any social situation
This is exactly what Plato believed in. Nice video.
So true that no one learns anything under conditions of humiliation.... But why does some still practice this....
Alain is just showing me, bit by bit with every video, why romanticism is cancer.
Thank you, Alain
a lot of good points here, but in keeping with the psychological concept of projection, I think we'd all be a lot happier if we were busier dealing with our own issues than trying to fix one another, and when we absolutely felt we had to say something, being far kinder and gentle about it. I think it's also often true people reject less what we say, and more _how_ we say it...vinegar versus honey and all that.
How could someone get mad when someone else points out their flaws!? knowledge solves problems and stops suffering therefore when someone gives you the priceless knowledge of flaws you cannot find in yourself you should thank them as hard as you can. Even if they actually do mean to point out your flaws in a bad way that doesn't mean you cant learn something from it. I would shrug this off like every other time people do incredibly stupid shit but this is the most quintessential and obvious lesson i can think of.
The art style is crazy good in this particular video.
I have greatly missed seeing your video's in my feed.
Is there anything I can do to "help" the channel?
I do mean literally
+Travis Croy Buying something from their shop :) I did it and I'm so happy with the product!!
What did you buy? :)
+kozhikkaalan Career crisis prompt cards
You learn to get better from each other and grow.
He talks about a healthy relationship and not about love. What is strange about love is that without it we have no desire to make a good impact on someone else. Love raises an irrational urge to improve ourselves and those we love.
The goal of a relationship is to get to the end of the relationship, and have the expirience and memories. In the end all that counts are the moments we spent with someone, this bits, they make a mark on us and we will remember them, they are a part of us.
that's interesting...the goal of relationship is to ...well..finish it and keep walking away with the loot of good memories? interesting to be aware of that while having a relationship...
And we're taught that the goal of relationship is to...well...keep it alive forever...
You can try, i support that. I think that we should try the best and hardest we can to make a relationship as good as possible and even to maintain it. I tried it, i am not in this relationship anymore but i'm still glad i did give my best, in the end it just didn't work out. But i embrace this expirience and i have learned, a lot.
Just enjoy the moment and make it as good as you cann.
If one is smart, they can never lose in a relationship, they either learn and move on, or learn and go on.
mix0nix 1. Could you please give me some examples of what it means that you did your best to maintain this relationship?
2. p.s- Regarding your quote of "goal of relationship is to finish it"... I have a friend who broke up 2-3 times with his girlfriend [who really acted strange & unfair towards him]- and now? Guess what? Theyre getting married..as he says "she changed". This really blew my mind, as it was against logic from him to come back to her. I wonder if insisting like that is smart move. Maybe "love wins in the end?" and its more powerful than logic? Or maybe your phrase is correct..and when it ended once..it will end again...
Yarah el gerzawY Yarah...can you please explain what you mean about being "smart" in a relationship? any examples?
What do you mean by "you can never lose in a relationship"? Maybe you meant "you can never lose from experiencing a relationship because you always lean and get smarter with time"? Is that what you meant by being smarter? So even a failed relationship is ok because you learn something so you never lose?
That's my translation to what you said..but maybe im wrong? What did you mean exactly?
Your animations are beautiful!
You should put that ending image of the kiss on a t-shirt!
This is so interesting! So sad this video does not have that much views( More people need to see this!
No one will give a damn about this but I will write about myself.
Well I guess my mentality about love was correct. I wanted to help my girlfriend to be mentally stronger and confident. I wanted her to help me drop the apathy inside me. It's a long distance relationship, and she occasionally notifies me that she is with other guys, not necessarily for close action, but just hanging out. She loves abs as well. At first I was confident, but later on I felt like such a puny human, helpless and pathetic. She dumped me afterwards. I am supposed to travel back to my country after few months. I've lost over 10kg (63 now), and guess who is gonna be ripped soon? I guess hatred, determination of revenge, sadness, all the negative emotions become my fuel. I don't think I will ever find a life companion, not with this honest and straight attitude. I'm 19 years old, does this make me edgy? I hope not. I come from a poor family I just want to stand on top of the world, look back to my achievements, and share the moment with my beloved one who supported me through the hardships.
Beeblebrox there are females looking for honest and straight forward, no nonsense, no superficial love, no mind games male companions too.
You are ONLY 19.
Don’t let young love taint your hope in finding a committed, mature partner.
Life is a journey.
Keep it open 👍🏼
ps: i have to point out that you are only 19. Even though age is just a number but it does serve as a benchmark for comparison sake. To know that you are not “odd”.
Therefore it is safe to say that you are definitely one of the rare ones being so mature for your age with your understanding about love. There are those in their late 20s - 30s who still have not got a single clue on acceptable & appropriate relationship behaviour.
They claim to want a relationship but still want to maintain their singlehood mentality and lifestyle.
You are definitely the top 0.01% in terms of maturity 🙌🏼👏🏼👍🏼
Keep doing you!
Soooo amazing...I always try to explain this to my partner and now we have this illuminating video to watch together and to get the point clearer
This is exactly why I find things like pride, over-defensiveness and perfectionism so annoying when in relationships. My life philosophy is for Self-improvement and if someone I'm with doesn't have or feel a sense of duty in bettering themselves, it would be very hard to live with them for the rest of my life.
While watching this I recognized how dirty my monitor is ;)
this channel is so addictive!
What a great discussion (and gentle graphic)
It was a hindsight now,but I wish which I had seen this, few months ago (however I'm not sure that it would do any good, back then)
Ever thought your wonderful knowledge is not spread enough
This was the chat from yesterday's lunch, between me and a friend! Talking about synchronicity... :)
Anyway, I struggle with this ATM... it's difficult to change beliefs, but it makes so much sense... Thanks for the upload!
In modern love I never view teaching and love rather the judgmental love which makes me frighten to love anyone in this age also it would be wise to improve the person you love and make them better instead of judging them just based on their qualities and ignoring their bad qualities a true lover would definitely love every aspect and adapt to bad qualities to other person.
Great video! It all makes more sense to modern mindsets if we look at a truly great friendship (with no romantic element involved). Good friends help and support each other - and true help is all about teaching and learning (providing and receiving crucial information to make life better). If a friend has better at something than I am, I don't envy them, I appreciate truly helpful advice and hopefully I will learn and be able to teach other things in return, because I want to. The same should apply to a romantic relationship. Thanks for the great video!
goddamn love this channel 💕
Thank you so much for these videos! This one gave me goosebumps its so close to home.
I absolutely loved the video --as usual! Congrats and thanks!
I needed this information 8 years ago
Yes I was panicky 😱 and defensive this caused friction in my union
I love his voice
This sounds great....ive always thought this is what your supposed to do.
Thanks for sharing this! Your videos always teach me and help me to discover a new aspect of who I am!
Best channel on TH-cam
thanks to this channel I've understood various aspects of life and relationships :)
THIS! This is how not to nag. This everything.
This is true.....
Great video. Something I have dealt with recently. Especially trying to become a better "teacher".
if you examine one of the purest forms of love, parent- child, where we are expected to learn and change, this really isn't that strange
Thank you.
Very nice! Cheers for the school of life!
Well...I've been trying to teach for last ten years... and finally I learned !!! U can change the universe but not inborn characteristics. . .
i upvote the school of life as the ministry of human knowledge
Thank you
Great stuff!
Yes and Yes Yes and Yes!!! 👏👏👏👏👏
I think it hurts us when our partner tries to teach us because it remind us of our parents trying to teach us through violence or insult. Just yesterday I fought about this with my husband. I call him scientific/semantic inquisitor because he is always correcting me if my data/statistics/mathematics are not ok or if the meaning of a word I am using is "incorrect". I hate when he does that. But what it hurts me the most is the math part, and I know that it's because when I was a child my dad used to try to teach math to me and my siblings by hitting us or insulting us if we didn't come up with the right answer of if we "weren't thinking". It was awful! This created me such anxiety that even though I am a scientist, every time someone asks me in public something math-related I completely panic because I am afraid of giving the wrong answer and come across as stupid. So when my husband tries to correct my math, I feel I suck and thus my dad was right in doing what he did. My husband's attempts to teach me math feel like my dad saying "see, you are stupid". :(
sad to hear that :c I'm a science student who loves maths. getting things wrong sometimes doesn't make us stupid, it makes us humans. we aren't calculators or computers, what we lack in mathematical perfection, we make up for with passion and interest. perhaps it would be best to explain how you feel to your husband so he knows how best to help you, I'm sure he has good intent but might not realise the effects of his words.