I got a real life answer to the question "would you love me if I was a worm?". I got diagnosed with cancer at age 24 and I told my husband that starting chemo means: I bring no money to our family, I can't work or do chores around the house, I can't take care of our children, I will become "ugly" (I lose all my hair everywhere, am pale, gain weight etc), I don't want to have sex and my mental health can decline. He said "I don't care, all I care about is that you are alive." And he kept his word. He made 3x his salary one month and planned a vacation for us for when the chemotherapy was over. He showed me that even when I do NOTHING and am at my absolute lowest most vulnerable state he will still choose me. When you find a man who actually loves you for just the woman you are, all these below bare minimum men are LAUGHABLE.
I constantly tell my fiance that he sets the standards for men in partnerships. He is literally my golden king. He is confused why that makes me feel bad. (I know I'm nowhere near as good a partner to him)
"He's not dumb, he just hates you" was a complete vibe. we need to stop justifying mens disrespect with ignorance or lack of awareness. They know, they just don't care. PERIOD!
OP is absolutely right. I really don't care for yall. It's just a genuine sense of indifference for women. I don't love yall, but I dont hate yall. I'm just apathetic towards yall.
@@CharlieApplesit could be multiple women when you really think about it. They will never admit this to you either they will just flip it on you and say your bitter and your just over reacting but a lot of them aren't equipped for a relationship and women are okay with that but what we're not okay with is them chasing after women that don't want them. They go way above and out of there league when they look for women too and I've learned the only way to reject them is let them down gently or lie and say you have a bf or your married. They want single women to be miserable so badly but the truth is there the ones that are miserable because they even find ways to get there mothers to hate us. Some of these mammies and pick mes are obsessed with these men too but there so worried about the pretty ones that are already attached to a man or gay. They want what they can't have and that's the real reason they keep getting rejected because there looking for women that don't match there lifestyles. There's plenty of women that still want to be married but they look for the ones that don't want to be married. Doesn't really add up.
"When women hate men, they avoid men. But when men hate women, they access and hurt women." "They hurt us because they hate that they need us." "He's not dumb. He just hates you." So true!! I won't forget these words. ❤
So true, when i hate how i’m treated by Men and get spiteful i avoid them as a whole. They hate us and want to cause us pain wether physically or mentally.
I’ve been vegetarian since birth. Was plant based for 6 years. My last boyfriend was not and hunts occasionally. I didn’t care but I don’t want to talk about it. He asked me multiple times to go on a hunting trip with him. I kept saying no. Absolutely no! He kept asking. I felt like he was just trying to annoy me. Then one day he described in detail how they’d release a goat and shoot at it and how fun and funny it was. I was getting upset and he kept talking about it. Then I got pissed and started crying. He was so shocked that “I overreacted” and “didn’t understand” why I was so upset. So glad I dumped his stupid ass.
If it wasn't for my very similar experiences I'd have called bullshit on stories like this, but alas, it's actually common. On a brighter note, in high school I had a boyfriend who made me turkey sandwiches though he was vegan because he knew I liked them. I would have never asked, he made that choice because I'm a picky eater and he wanted to be safe. I also remember us sitting at his parents' place one day chewing on ice for an hour because we couldn't figure out what we wanted to eat. He wasn't perfect but stuff like that stuck with me. It's sad that mostly bad stuff stuck with me from most relationships.
My ex-husband would do this with pork. I grew up Muslim, so never ate pork my whole life, still don't just because. He was always trying to force pork on me, waving bacon in my face. Just nonsense. No respect because HE thought it was stupid. ❤
On a brighter note, and to show you there are good men out there: I am a pescatarian. I once was out with my ex-boyfriend who goes to the supermarket and does meal-prep on Saturdays and he was reading me his list of everything he needed and every meal he had in mind for the next week. I casually mentioned that I wouldn’t go to his house to eat that week (we both worked from home in our separate houses) because everything had meat. He was silent for rest of the car ride. When I asked what was going on, he said he was trying to memorize all the modifications he’d make to his meals, so every single day of the week he’d have something to available to offer me if I popped up for lunch or dinner.
I appreciate this theory but the women saying they're being "spoiled" because their boyfriend/husband cleans the house he lives in or washes the dishes he uses is very telling.
Yes it should be way more than that.. Like women of these relationship always do 50/50 so it should be a must they do household work. I guess the woman in the tiktok meant like it's the small things he does..? Like not necessarily just washing the dishes but doing the "nice things" without asking for it
@@thesevenkingswelove9554yeah I agree I wouldnt exactly call that spoiling a woman that's just called having manors having good manors is like the bare minimum for a relationship because if a woman were to do the same thing and spoil her bf by washing the dishes or cooking a meal you might not even get a thank you. You would hear something like, "it's great that you helped me clean today but...then he inserts whatever bullshit he can come up with that you didn't do to make you feel lazy or that you weren't fast enough. I'm not sure why they expect women to work like robots but you can tell some of these women are being brainwashed by them because they never totally compliment a woman anymore if you noticed whatever she does isn't good enough to please them but they still call themselves the more logical and less complicated gender if they were they wouldnt be so picky with women. A woman wouldn't think it's love now just because her bf brought her a cup of coffee which is sad if a woman interprets that as love. Usually when guys do that it means they want something from you in return too. It's very selfish and Im glad I'm not the only one that noticed this double standard.
I know my boyfriend is a keeper because I don't even need to ask him to do those little things, and he does them anyway. He spoils me rotten with consideration, affection and love. He will out of the blue massage my feet without me asking, or bring me water because I need to drink more water - even though I don't really have an issue with drinking water, it's just his way of showing love. Love is gentle and kind. Edit: I'm super overwhelmed with the happy wishes for our relationship. ❤ Hopefully I can edit this a few years down the line to say we got married. Fingers crossed 🤞🏽
@@afrofaeries yes!!! May you and this love find each other, and may you find a beautiful, loving, fulfilling life in the meantime!! Yes!! I speak this upon you, and to all the other girlies who need this 💖
Sometimes Hanlon’s razor is applicable, but Grey’s law should be memorized by women in particular: “Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.”
everytime my grandpa went to the store, he would always call my grandma first and asked what she wanted. She would tell him. When he came back, he brought everything EXCEPT what she asked for. he did this every. single. time. this infuriated my grandma every. single. time. did he apologize? did he go back to the store and get what she asked? no, he laughed in her face and gaslit her literally into her grave claiming he brought "everything she asked him for." and she "never asked for any of that" "what are you talking about? you're crazy" my grandpa also brought flowers for my grandma for mother's day, their anniversary, and her birthday etc while simultaneously emotionally, physically and verbally abusing her every single chance he got. plot twist: he was also married to a WHOLE OTHER woman for 30+ years!!! and we never knew until that second wife called us saying she wanted to divorce him. best part? despite having two wives, he died alone. 💀 there's multiple layers but my grandma was severely trauma bonded and refused to leave him despite everything. growing up witnessing this, flowers don't mean anything to me. If anything, I've learned these bare minimum below low effort men don't grow up, they grow just grow old. My grandpa treated my grandma like trash all 60+ years of their marriage literally until the day she died. He is NEVER worth it, bestie. YOU are worth more. Leave him!!!
I am so sorry for your grandma 🥲 she deserved better. I hope she is happy and at peace now. Thank you for reminding me that this malicious immature men never grow up they just grow old. Perfect example being my father. Went no contact with the whole family and now I am doing so much better ❤✨💫
@@月亮-g5f Thank you for your kind words ❤ good for you! It's not easy but its so worth it. So thankful for Elle in teaching us to break generational traumas! Praying for you and your family, bestie 💕😊
To be honest, it just doesn't matter if he is dumb or malicious. The effect to your life is the same, and that's all that matters. You're not their mom and they are not children. If they think they need to learn they will learn.
exactly! i made another comment about how hanlon’s razor doesn’t imply you have to give someone a pass just because they were stupid instead of malicious. i feel like it is still useful to us spoiled girlies because it allows us to not get mad, but get paid.. the point is to not internalize when people treat you poorly, regardless of their intentions, and walk away with your head held high the moment someone doesn’t show you the respect you deserve
Hanlon's razor is not about letting people continue bad behaviour, but how to correct it. Everybody is different. You must teach people how to treat you. Because only you know your sensitivities. First presume, that people are considerate, just not know that they offended you. Considerate people will change their behaviour. And you will stay friendly with them. Malicious people will not. But then you will know, that they are inconsiderate and you can force them to change their behaviour. If you treat considerate person as malicious, that just makes you malicious and they have right to treat you that way
Men “teaching women a lesson” is right up there with “testing” woman. I have actually had (young) men tell me that they were just “testing” me by asking or saying or doing something really crazy or demeaning. Just don’t, because eff around and you’ll find out, brother. I always dumped them immediately if they did that. Bye, boy.
I don't know if it was also testing, but two seperate men told me about hurting cats (one told me he had to drown kittens, and another that he had to run over a cat while driving) after they get to know I love cats 😢
The toilet paper thing was NOT small. Bringing it upon request would have been small. It's like letting your roommate in when they just accidentally locked themselves out while you are home is a very small, obviously expected act of service. It's so small that it's not even worth mentioning. But letting your roommate stay locked out while they are begging to be let in is a HUGE act of malice.
You can just feel the anger in his actions of silent treatment then the getting the tp for her but throwing it and slamming the door. If you have experienced that kind of behavior from a partner (🙋♀️), you can absolutely feel his anger in those actions. PTSD for real ladies.
It reminded me of this lady who let her daughter walk in the cold because she forgot her jacket at school or something. She punished her by letting her walk around cold. It's just sick, you don't treat people you care about that way, or anyone even.
It also makes me think, if he was in a public restroom and a man was in the stall and asked him to pass toilet paper, would he just say "you should've looked before you went in"??
Ok so I'm bisexual, and I once dated this girl, and we both constantly bought each other stuff, after we ended things I realized it had been my most romantic relationship and it's not like we were madly in love, we just liked each other and thought the other was nice to be around, if we did all that for someone we just liked, married men should be able to give so much more to the women they claim to love
Women are just simply better to have around. I don't think you could know a woman and say there wasn't any value to the relationship if you ever drifted or that you wasted that time you invested, but you could definitely say that about a man lol, no offence to them. I'm so grateful I don't have to worry about this shit though hahah ✨🤷🏻♀️🌞
@@jordanferguson2254 yeah it's sad but true, some guys are simply not bringing anything to the table, I wouldn't say all of them because I've met a few who are actually interesting but it isn't a lot
I remember I told my then “boyfriend” I split my groceries in two because it was all too heavy for me to get at once and he barely reacted. Relationship lasted a week, he was truly useless
If partnership is something you want in your life, I am hoping for you that you get a loving, doting partner who will carry your groceries and do all the things that mean the most for you and more, big and small!! Here’s to a year full of consideration, kindness, love, and appreciation of your value 💖💖💖
Same here. I have scoliosis and have surgery at 12 years old. I'm fragile and my ex wouldn't help me. Also I begged him for meat, because I had anemia problem, he didn't care, he was "yes I'll bring this to you" and he will ALWAYS FORGET. My mom got wild when she knew that. 😂
...I have chronic pain, and even when I needed a cane, I still have always jumped to grab at least a bag of two of groceries when my able-bodied partner has always insisted I don't need to.
The bathroom situation was really horrible. Also if he knew that there was no tissue in the restroom, why didn’t he restock it instead of trying to teach her a lesson? Typically when you notice something running low in your home, you replace it.
That's another good point. He's the one, who noticed there was no more toilet paper. Had maybe even used the last bit. Why the heck didn't he grab a couple rolls and restock the bathroom?
Omg, yes, especially if you have visitors coming over. I would never want a friend or especially a date to be stuck in a bathroom without toilet paper when they come over. How is he not embarrassed??
Training her to clean his bathroom for him one roll of toilet paper at a time. I’ve heard of men purposely leaving their homes a little unkempt the first time they bring a new woman in as a test to the woman they’re dating to see if she falls into the role of maid and “homemaker”
Oh, he absolutely expected her to drop everything and restock it for him the second he came out of the bathroom himself and told her it was low. He didn't want to do it himself; he had a bangmaid for that. I always kept the toilet paper stored in the bathroom, that's what childhood trauma does. Girl needs to run far and fast.
Those broken misogynists are the ones complaining about " male loneliness epidemic". Because there are not looking for a wife. They're looking for a placeholder ( free s worker, cook, roomate, life assistant..) to use as a stepping stone and rehab center to gain self confidence, value and money.
My moms friends son literally he’s dating a girl that pays for everything and He has a picture of this girl in the wall and he said it’s his dream girl and it’s his ex girlfriend and his new girlfriend over now and I was like OK I’m definitely getting plastic surgery I don’t ever wanna be a placeholder I want someone to think that I like the prettiest girl alive
@@Alicia-vq8jg I think you made wrong conclusion here. To not be a placeholder is to have standards and only accept respectable and loving treatment. It doesn't mean to mold your face into something some guy might wish his gf to have. If you have low self esteem, they just know and treat you accordingly. Besides, trash men cheat on every woman, even like Beyonce or Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. You see? The point here is to grow self love, self confidence and have discernment when it comes to who you should date. Never change yourself for some guy, it will backfire. Be your own dream girl, vibe and thrive and your partner will be scared to loose YOU!
I am convinced at this point that these tactics of weaponized incompetence, combativeness, gaslighting, withholding affections etc is the new type of abuse men engage in against women. Since it is no longer socially acceptable to hit women and call them bitches, these are tactics that modern day abusers have resorted to using to punish their victims (women). I suggest reading Lundy Bancroft’s book, why does he do that. It is an older book but still holds true. He goes into detail explaining that many men are socialized to see women as less than and dehumanize them. These same men hide behind childhood trauma and mental illness to enact their abuse, even though there is no evidence supporting that people who had difficult childhoods abuse more than those who didn’t. Trust your intuition out there. If something doesn’t feel right with a guy then LEAVE. These same guys objectify us and think we are dumb, we just need to stay on our toes and be aware of what constitutes abuse, it demystifies a lot of the confusion regarding men’s behaviors.
I’ll just say, that I had childhood trauma, and if I haven’t worked on it and worked towards healing - I would be abusive and toxic as well, so it’s actually true But, it doesn’t mean that anyone should put up with that and with abusive people just because they had a rough childhood! It up to them to work on themselves and heal so they’ll become a better person.
I cried to my LDR boyfriend while sick with a fever because my parents didn't make me soup, and left to do errands (it was 2 days before Christmas, things were hectic). Without my knowledge, he immediately ordered delivery of a soup from a restaurant for me to get within the hour. And then he did a grocery delivery of canned soup, vitamin water, snacks, and flowers for me. I was so sick, hadn't eaten in over 16 hours, and felt so tired. I wasn't expecting it at all and I felt so loved. Parental disclaimer: I am an adult, and I typically don't get sick. I am always the least affected in my family when we all catch something. I hadn't been this sick in almost 10 years and I don't think they realized how bad it was this time.
That's so cute ❤️ I had scoliosis with anemia and my ex didn't care at all. When I told me he said "it's like that to everyone, why do you expect ?". I think girls with good boyfriend must show how good is a good boyfriend, like that, stupid men will feel their own stupidity.
I was on a LDR and I told my boyfriend (now ex) that I was super sad and I was having such a rough day... so he decided to not speak to me throughout the entire day, and when I confronted him about it he said that "I didn't check up because I'd knew we would argue'
Narcs aren't very good at hiding. Psychopaths can be. That's when you look out for someone being *too* perfect. Never even making small, human mistakes. Narcs are going to slip up in small ways, like walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk (not sheltering you from cars), or...honestly the orange test. They will at minimum make a snarky comment. They can't do things selflessly for others. It isn't in their nature.
The best filter for a narcissist is showing disappointment with and of their gestures. If they're stinky love bombing, they'll be pissed. If they're sincere, they'll take specific (kind) feedback.
@@laurafandino9783I think what they’re saying is, a narcissist will get angry and upset if you politely criticize their ‘love’ towards you. a sincere person would try and change to make you happy.
"How your partner treats you is a reflection of them, not you ❤ If they mistreat you, it's because they are broken people, not because you deserve to be mistreated"
my girls, I need to tell you my story. if you EVER doubt that this can happen to you, PLEASE read this : i spent 4 years in a relationship where I never got taken to dinner ONCE and actually I payed for multiple dinner, where on valentines I would organize surprises for him, on his birthday i would bake cakes and invite friends , and he never did any of that for me . After breaking up with him I was filled with feminine power and stopped fulfilling the role of a man in my relationships. and all the men i’ve dated after have showered me with gifts, love and affirmations , they would tell me everyday how beautiful and an amazing unique person I was, I never payed for 1 dinner. all of this , and I didn’t actually change anything about the way I dress or behave , i changed my energy. please believe, you are destined for greater things . we all are
Consideration truly is a love language. My ex swore up and down to me that he would move with me out of the city we lived in because i was crumbling under the weight of day to day city living (I'm from the country) when i told him i was looking for jobs closer to home this loser tells me "if you go i won't come with. Im staying here for my COMEDY career". I literally moved to an apartment in a dangerous neighborhood so he could have easier access to bars and clubs for his comedy. I let him borrow my car regularly, which he would abuse the use of. I helped him get his ducks in a row for shows.... And then he strung me along for half a year, making me believe that he would move with me if i left the city knowing full well he would never do for me what i was willing, and did, for him. Some men are really just top prime trash. Know your worth ladies.
Yes! "Dating is observation not rehab" This guy I dated very briefly had the absolute gall to raise his voice at me and throw a jealous tantrum. Afterwards i thought to myself that he felt confident to act that way because he thought HE HAD ME when in reality he was on a "job interview" with me as the employer and NO he did not get the job lol
I dated guys who hated me and I got out. now I am dating a good boyfriend and while I was watching this he came upstairs and offered to refill my drink unprompted and now I’m crying bc it was such an amazing moment. Wow my life has come so far! If I had stayed with my ex I would still be dealing with stuff like this! My ex mad me drive myself to the ER with a blinding migraine after childbirth. I shouldn’t have stayed even a minute longer but everything was tied to him and we had a new baby. I look back at it as him baby trapping me bc he felt insecure that other men looked at me when we went places. He always said stuff like “why are they all looking at you?” like he didn’t know who I was before we got married! I’m pretty looking and he couldn’t handle the pressure that I feel everywhere I go for the small amount of time we spent together. He hated me! Now I have a keeper!
I am so sad that a man refilling a drink unprompted is such an upgrade for so many women. Like I have a female friend who is my roommate rn, we have no romantic or sexual interest in each other at all, but we literally make each other coffee and tea and dinner and pack each other's lunches unprompted. Sometimes we buy each other gifts just cause we saw something the other might like.
@Manifestelle I’m a 57 y/o (now) spoiled girly, your content helped break through my negative delulu re. a malicious below bare minimum low effort male who hated me. I was finally able to see him clearly and end it. When I heard you say “wake UP bestie! Bestie wake UP!” it literally woke me up. You’re amazing, thank you for the wonderful work and much success to you!
All women matter no matter the age! We need to save the young and old. They deserve love and respect and I'm glad the other generations are seeing their worth!
My mom and I recently talked about marriage issues and abuse that some older female relatives suffered. The conversation left me fuming and I told my mom that if my partner ever hit me or was an addict with little hope of recovering, I would leave. My mom seemed indifferent, as if… I was being unreasonable and too strict I guess? I immediately felt apologetic but snapped out of it. These things that we are supposed to tolerate run deep…
Same thing happened with me as well. My mom was severely @bu$ed by my dad and his in-laws and back at that time it was so normal in my country (India) . When I told my mom that if my partner did the same stuff as what her husband did with her, I would divorce him ASAP and file a DV case against him. Guess what, my mom was flabbergasted and told me how these acts are against our Indian values and that a good Indian woman would try her best not to break a marriage :( Now, I get it ! Why India has the lowest Divorce rate (1% ) . Women weren't allowed to get educated so they would be financially dependent on their husband who would $u¢k the hell out of them.
I am 24. I have always done very well academically. In my country, they give you a gold medal for academic achievements at school, and I have that. I also had a full scholarship and stipend. Every time boys found out I was doing better than them or was more gifted they started the humbling. Every single time. At school, cram schools, science camps. I was not even being proud. I was just getting good grades and feedback. Before discovering that I was not a dummy, I was treated normally, and then the bullying would start. Their favorite humbling tactic was calling me ugly of course. Even as little boys, they do it.
Wow true... I really excelled in my earlier years and got teased. It shamed me into underperforming. There is certainly a kind of peace when I went into an all girls middle school...
Happened to me as well and I could have said a lot about that guy's appearance but I stopped. I still regret that. I should have said him something traumatic when he was bullying me for getting more marks than him.
Men can’t accept a lot of us are better than them at virtually everything. A real man will encourage you to be even better & to reach your goals and dreams. He wants to see your flourish. Grateful I have one like this
The toilet paper thing was so insane, like that's "I'm leaving you and cutting you off ASAP" behavior. If your partner looks so down on you that they relish in "teaching you a lesson" then they aren't your partner, you're their hostage.
the way he called even tho she said cant talk, the way he didnt get the pumpkin even tho she might need it and the way he didnt just turn around to get it for her was a huge ick...
Yeah he was obnoxious. So he's just assuming she ignored his messages on purpose? If it's going to voice-mail and he's getting messages (that might be auto messages) saying she can't talk, she's probably doing something else that takes priority. He's just assuming what she was doing isn't more important than answering his calls when it was, since he's obviously incapable of making a simple decision to just spend the $2 on a can of pumpkin. He seems like he'd be a pain in the a$$ husband, especially with that voice.
Amen, sister! This is the MOST effective therapy in my life. Veils are dropping from my soul. And I'm a boomer starting my 3rd and final chapter. I think it's kismet that this woman popped into my feed. All my life I've said it's better to win in the end.
This for my relationship goes both ways. My fiancé not only peels my oranges, he also takes out that white stuff that tastes bitter, and I peel shrimps when we eat some, because he doesn't like to do it. Acts of kindness and consideration are the minimum in a good marriage/relationship
The part where you said men like to hurt women is so spot on. Whenever they have insecurity issues, they take it out onto us and purposely humiliate us to other people.
Reminds me of that time that my dad got super political, in his usual rants and he was arguing and accusing my aunt just because she remained a fair and balanced view - not making a controversial or tremulous statement. I heard him start to argue with her and stepped into defend her. He literally insulted and embarrassed me and yelled at me to “shut up” with a “stay in your place” tone in front of my aunt that I was defending and her niece.
The only men I've ever truly fallen in love with were the ones who did nice things for me without me having to ask. If a guy is so inadequate and "helpless" you feel like you're acting like a mom towards him, LEAVE his sorry ass immediately!
But it ok if he's dumb. You still leave. If they don't understand, they probably won't during your relationship, and it's not your responsibility to teach. It's your responsibility to communicate, but not to teach.
That first video of the man refusing to buy canned pumpkin is weaponized incompetence in action. Also she was probably watching his literal children or something like wtf. Also heyyyyy bestieeee 💮🍥💗🦋🌆 Always coming in clutch for the girlies
Fr, she was probably at work or doing housework or hell, even if she was doing something ‘frivolous’ like talking to a friend or going to the salon, can’t she expect her husband to be able to buy groceries by himself without mommy’s help?
It's just why such a big deal in the first place? Just buy the can of pumpkin like I swear most people would and that ve it. He made that problem up out of nothing. Why make up problems. It was exhausting his wife must be exhausted
My fiancé doesn’t like to give me flowers because the thought of cutting a beautiful thing like a flower and shortening their life makes him sad. Now, I love flowers, but feel kinda similarly (even though I will still buy or cut my own bouquets) So instead, he buys me plants and bulbs, so we can together grow and nurture plants that will keep giving flowers 🥰 For us, it’s not about the flowers. It’s definitely about the gesture, and everything implicated therein. (Ok, AND it’s about the flowers! Because, well…flowers!!) Edited for grammar and clarity
I love that too, I prefer seeds, bulbs and potted plants so that I get to see them thrive instead of wither away ☺️ so nice that you get to enjoy the flowers together 🌺🌹
Am I the only one who gets amazed and impressed with each time she posts video on TH-cam The wisdom that she has about woman and men and the relationship dynamics between men and women at a very young age continue to amaze me 🤯🛐
Was thinking the same thing. And I’m waaay older than her taking my younger “sisters” advice. I’ve been so understanding and compassionate. Paying for everything and holding them when they cry or when they cheat and they’re crying. Jesus. The thing is, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. Didn’t think guys were better than that. I’m happily single and also starting to open my eyes and seeing the world has some pretty cool guys. It was about my self esteem anyway choosing these dudes. All me
i’m sooooo glad i found her youtube channel. i’m 20 and have 0 dating experience - however, i just know that the words that she preaches in her videos will stay with me for the rest of my life and will hopefully spare me from making major mistakes. i'm so grateful for her.. my confidence and self image have improved so much since i first discovered her and i really can’t thank her enough for that. here’s to knowing your self worth !!!!
So true. My dad is not the greatest guy around. But he would do ANYTHING for my mom. That is the standard. If a guy isn't doing everything he can to make you happy, he doesn't even like you!
This is the kind of husband I aspire to be. Just curious, if doing everything possible to make my woman happy is standard, how should I go about trying to be better than the standard?
@rixaxeno7167 With such a high standard, that's already putting in 100%. Many women put in 100% by default, and they just want men to reciprocate that effort. You are enough. You don't have to be better than the best version of yourself. Like I said, my dad isn't the best guy ever. He gets frustrated easily, he believes in conspiracy theories and he is ridiculously stubborn. But he really loved and respected my mom, and I can respect that even if I don't like him as a person. If you're putting in the effort to make your wife happy, you're willing to listen when she has a problem, and are willing to fix your mistakes and grow as a person, you're doing a fantastic job. Of course, your wife should be doing the same for you, because you also deserve to be loved and respected. That's a strong relationship that will last for decades. It's good that you're watching this channel's content. A lot of men are unaware of how other men treat women, and that's important!
@jessn.3851 I greatly appreciate your advice, so thank you for taking the time to respond. I am not married yet and have no children, so this is a self-development project to turn myself into the best dad/husband possible. To be perfectly honest, it's hard for me to watch this kind of content for too long. I have made many of the mistakes shown in these videos in the past, and it feels like a knife to the heart when I learn that my awful memory and absent-minded autopilot behaviors actually come across as genuine hatred. It's honestly really scary to know that at any time, I could be hurting someone I care about and never know until it's too late. There were so many breakups that felt like they came from nowhere, so many questions over so many years.... and no one ever told me. Even still, I'd rather hate myself than risk that my partner could feel hated by me.
Years ago I dated this guy long distance (he was military). We lived about 5 hrs apart and he had no upcoming deployments, so he had the ability to plan forward to come see me/fly me out. He never did - I would always have to push the matter and constantly propose dates. He made it seem so complicated to pick dates (even though his schedule was technically more flexible bc I was working AND in grad school full time). He didn't plan ahead to see me on any "significant" dates such as big holidays or our anniversary, but took a whole week of leave time on a whim for a road trip with his best friend/roommate. After we broke up, within a month he was begging for me back and was SOMEHOW able to drive down for an entire weekend on a whim trying to win me back (in the past, he acted like traveling in that way to see me was impossible). He also mailed me multiple gifts (never did that when we dated).
Wow, isn't it sad when you get the things you wanted while in a relationship, but now it's too late. You would have been stuck always driving the relationship with fear and threats if you had gone back bcs love isn't enough to motivate him. Glad you got out sis 💕
Flowers can literally cost less than $20, if you are dating a man that lives more than 10 minutes from your house, you spend that on gas every few days just to go see him. Save your gas money and buy your own flowers.
Women need to apply stress to guys to see how they react to things. If they seem angry at the small things, run the other way. You also should see how they are when genuinely angry before you even consider a relationship with them. They could act lovely when everything is going well but if something stressful happens, you want to see what their true reaction is. If they react physically, like throwing toilet paper in the video, that shows when something bigger happens, they won't hesitate to do something even more violent. Even if they don't act out that badly, you can usually tell by the look in their eyes or sound of their voice what they are capable of. Never tolerate abuse of any kind! Genuinely compassionate and kind guys will not complain about being pressed by you because they will see it at an honour. Good partners love it when eachother has standards since it shows commitment and exclusivity. They want to grow with eachother and to also grow personally and emotionally for their own development. They will not lash out on eachother but think about how they can improve themselves to be better and more empathetic to eachother and their family. The guys you hear complaining about women being overly picky, etc. are the trashy ones you don't want in your life anyway.
Stupid guys are contradictions. When you have standards, they will be mad at you because you have standards. And when you don't, they will blame you because you're too "easy".
What felt off, chaotic and jumbled is now clear! men are not taught or even wired to have the level of empathy we have. AND WE MUST OBSERVE MEN BEFORE WE GIVE OURSELVES. I can’t believe going into my memory now, how many men wanted and enjoyed seeing me suffer. Only 1 college bf was kind and empathetic. My brother is, so I thought most were. But at 54, I realize now they can be low level sadistic. Thank you Elle. watching all of your vids is a gift. ❤
Ex husband left me because he thought he'd be better on his own. Admitted to using me and avoiding me and knowing he put too much on my shoulders because I'd take it. Now he's in debt from his bad finances (I was the financially literate one in the relationship) and he's alone not succeeding at work. I now have a man who goes out of his way to make me happy. He derives joy from making me happy it motivates him to be better. Instead of dead weight I have a partner who wants to grow and succeed and sees my strengths and willingly follows me without letting his ego get involved. I've never been happier and the fact I know I can speak my mind and he sits and listens and internalizes. Can never go back to bare minimum
My fella butters my roll every time we go to a specific restaurant. He did it for me once, and instead of cutting it open and spreading butter on it, he created a hole (we now call it a butter pocket) and filled it with butter. It was SO much better. Now he does it every time, because he knows I love it. Could I do it? Sure, but it's a lil thing we laugh about. He's the best!
I mean, the butter they provide at restaurants usually doesn't change shape unless industrial tools are put to action so one must adapt. Caring and creative, you got a nice one.
The golden rule is: If they wanted to they would. Period. The end. Because if you push long enough then you will aaaaalways find that they are absolutely aware of how shitty their behavior is. They're just lazy and disrespectful and testing what they can get away with. And that is true for all kinds of garbage people, not just some men. Ps: All women in my family are like that. 'Look at yourself first. Maybe they have a difficult life. Yada yada' The amount of damage that did to me. Holy hell.
"Dating is observation, not rehab." - Preach! It's such a good strategy. Never demand anything, just observe what he is willing to do and give. I like to observe in the courtship phase and then latr when a man is more relaxed and feels safe. I won't nag or demand better treatment. I just observe (to the point of even dealing with mistreatment until I can safely get out of the situation), then draw a conclusion and then decide whether he is worth further notice or not.
Guy here, I have a question. I am someone who really wants to be the best partner I can be, but I have been dumped a few times because I didn't do enough for her in the relationship. I try to amend this by asking what her needs are (because every woman is unique with unique standards and needs) but every time I asked she would smile and reassure me that I was doing great and to keep doing what I was doing. What are yall's thoughts on how I should amend this going forward?
My spouse left during his favorite teams football game to go get me cheese because I ran out and I was crying and hungry. I didn’t ask or even hint at it. I just couldn’t figure out what to eat and he went with no complaints, no questions. Get yourself someone who takes care of you when you are struggling to care for yourself ❤ and do the same thing for them.
Literally. One has to be intentionally trying to create tension and problems for that to happen. And then to post it online for other men to bad mouth his wife? Fatherless behavior
If you give me a grocery list, I'll just buy what's on the list, without even wondering you might have forgotten something, because I trust you to know what you need. (But I might go back to the store, if you don't get mad at me because YOU forgot to ask something) It's not weaponized incompetence, it's just social awkwardness... 😂
Izod-sweatshirt lady nails it - men see us as interchangeable agents of "game", and therefore disposable. Sort of like opponents in a video game where you learn some moves every time a woman leaves you, but eventually you move up to another level.
I said this to a friend. Imagine all our exes. If they were somehow "not that bad", it was because some women (mothers, sisters, exes) did some work on them, taught them, they parasited the women in their lived before. And they left our relationships after learning something too. We are done teaching, building, etc. It's time for them to figure it out by themselves.
@@rachelforshee6014at least we don't normally start out by scoping for what we can extract from them. XYs usually gauge that first and expect each other to, like it's how it should be. Most are parasitic.
@@rachelforshee6014 I won't act as if I haven't learnt anything from my exes. They definitely helped me to understand that relationships are not for me. And I'm grateful for that.
2:43 this is so pathetic and stingy. Get the pumpkin thing. Throw it out if you don’t use it, eat it straight from the can, make an extra pie. And they say women are dramatic…
my man who is 100% in tune with his masculine energy loves to do all these orange peel tasks for me. he likes to cut up my food and feed me like a greek queen. "i know you can do it perfectly on your own, but if you dont feel like/want to you shouldnt have to." at first it felt weird but after a while i loved it lol.
I think that art and pop culture has perpetuated the idea that women are an acceptable loss and collateral damage for men's journeys to a disgusting degree. There's a whole trope about this, fridging fenale characters for requisite man pain. When the overculture keeps reinforcing that women are innately worth less than men, where our pain is just a plot point, a lot of men will keep internalizing that it's okay to dehumanize us. ETA: When it comes to consideration and thoughtfulness, I hold any potential relationship to the standard I set for myself that one of my first boyfriends lived up to perfectly. Before our first daye he asked me if I had any food allergies or sensitivities, which I do, and pucked a restaurant where the risk to me was minimal, which my own family won't do most of the time. He brought me roses on the first daye and picked red because he hadn't asked what my favorites were and wanted to still be sweet, which was perfect because I love red roses and still have those roses pressed into a book. He brought a little plush Dalek on out next daye because I'd mentioned I was getting into Doctor Who and showed he apprecated and listemed to me in so many little and big ways throughout our relationship. The only reason we split was because we didn't want the sane future. He wanted kids and I didn't and it was very amicable. Last I heard he was happily married and has kids now and I'm so happy for him. So, yeah, if someone can't be bothered to even try to be half as sweet and considerate as that, I have no time for them.
I’ve never been in a truly healthy relationship and I prefer being alone over being the sole emotionally intelligent person in a relationship. I treat my partners as kings and expect nothing less in return but haven’t had the voice or backbone to actually demand equal treatment, in the one relationship where I actually stood up for myself I was physically beaten into submission as thanks. I am emotionally mature and know exactly how and why their treatment is not up to par, but I also know that trying to educate grown ass men on their flaws will only teach them how to better hide their true self in their next relationship and I would be doing a disservice to the women with the misfortune of being entangled with these human sized turds in the future. I want them to continue having their red flags proudly flapping in the open wind so other women know to steer clear. I will happily live my best life as a single queen until a man can show me he’s worth my time. If I die single I’ll know I’ll die happy as the best version of myself. No more compromises from this girlie.
I actually DO think some people are just stupid even though some are pretending to be stupid when they are actually mallicious. But whether they are stupid OR malicious, I am NOT throwing my lot in with them. I have worked hard to get to where I am. I am not short changing myself by settling in any way. Nope. Not doing that. So the whys and wherefores of why someone just doesn't make the cut are completely IRRELEVANT to me. Highly educated, financially FREE, not just independent, woman here living the FREE and SOFT life here exploring the world on my own terms.
Healing is such a wonky process! I have come so far in recent years (and even months) but I still don't know what to call this thing my mind does. Even when I see good men enthusiastically doting on their women, I struggle to 100% believe that men actually want to do things for women... Like that they genuinely love to love and aren't pretending and will eventually resent her for it. Idk if it's an oldest-daughterism or what, but the idea of me requiring anything from men still spikes my anxiety every now and then. I have a long way to go but the time will pass anyway... Thank u, Elle!
My husband has come into the restroom and gotten me toilet paper out of the cabinet under the sink right next to the toilet I am sitting on and have just pooped in, just so I didnt have to move and didnt give me any issue about it, what that girls ex did to her was abusive!
This! I will also add that this applies to all relationships including parents! I mean how many times will I experience indifference from my own parents, especially from my mother? Like seriously this notion about caring for what others think begins at home!!
Yeah, always trying to be good enough, because its instinct to look for safety. Talk, about teaching pattern of men, through inflicted damage to women, and moving on to repeat with less stressed woman, because all women are non human...hits so hard.
This. Then, they get older and find it weird that you don't have it in you to "take care of them". My mom told me that she was scared that I wouldn't be there for her if anything happened. Yeah, mother. I have learnt to take care of myself, by myself. So... I don't know, don't test me.
My relationship is not perfect, nor do I purport it to be, but my husband has shown himself as trying to be a partner and someone who tries to support me when I'm not able to do so myself, and in turn I support him when he needs additional support. I've dealt with major illness and he was by my side (driving several hours every weekend to spend time with me when I was in the hospital for a few months). He tells me he appreciates the things I do to keep our household running often and unprompted. Our relationship is not one that is full of grand, romantic gestures, and for many people who look at our relationship, they may think we are "boring" because we don't do a whole lot, rarely go out, often spend time at home, have disparate hobbies, etc., but I love and appreciate the fact that I have a partner who is willing to care about me enough to help me with chores when he gets home from work, or accompany me to fairs for my hobbies even if he's not interested in the thing himself, or whatever.
My covert narc ex would totally peel the orange for me. He would use any service he ever provided as ammo to accuse me of being ungrateful if i ever called him out on any exploitation or gaslighting etc etc. I dont think there is a good test. Just keep your intuition up and recognize the feeling when you are being manipulated. Sometimes those butterflies are manipulation.
It's all in the expression. If they're grinning or their smile is a little too manufactured, run. If they're smiling genuinely, just a little, keep watching.
i remember i was talking to a friend and i say all the things i would like from my partner, things like romance, doing tasks without me having to remind him, have team work (yes the bare minimum of course) and she said "you´re asking to much" no, i do all of those things on my own already, i am too much for him
My ex literally made me cry because of how incompetent he was. The kicker? He did it both because he turned out to be that stupid and because he was that inconsiderate. We were at my place and he was staying for the week. He had already done a few things that were childish and he knew I was annoyed, which was really sad because we had been laughing at how typical men can't even deal with life without a women mothering them, but it turned out he was talking out his ass just because he could cook a couple decent meals. The incident which broke me was when I went to shower and told him to change the bedsheets. I thought about telling him to change the pillowcases too, but I thought that would be absolutely ridiculous and an insult to his intelligence, so I didn't. And guess what happened when I came out of the shower. He had put the bedsheets on very obviously inside out (mind you he wasn't 12 but in his mid 20s) and hadn't changed the pillowcases. His reasoning? I didn't tell him to. I pointed to the pillowcase with literal huge bloodstains on it from where my sick cat had been lying (rip Amy) which he had placed bloodstain up on the bed, and all he could say was sorry. I literally felt like he had been doing this to spite me. He swore up and down that he didn't, but it seemed like a big joke to me and I started crying (mind you this was far from the first thing in just a couple days, for example one of the many others was him throwing an empty cheese wrapper on top of the drying plates and forgetting it there). He did quite a few despicable things too that hurt me directly that I don't want to get into, all because he was (and will probably always be) that in love with others pitying him and feeling like he can't do a single thing right. I see both women and men having valid problems while dating, but the minefield that is dating guys cannot compare. I see what it's like for lesbians, I've experienced what it's like for bisexuals, and I've seen the complete aggressive heterosexual male ignorance to all of it. Nothing I've experienced with women has been like the disappointment men provide. Even those who aren't anywhere near your average Joe.
I just wanna gently point out that y'all were laughing about men needing to be mothered and then you were mothering him by telling him to change bedsheets and getting mad about a cheese wrapper, idk
Yeah true … but maybe she meant it in a way to help? For example i was cooking, and doing laundry, I asked him to put the washed stuff in the dryer and start the new load that I already separated… this dope turned it on put the soap and dirty clothes and never closed the lid -_- Just the lack Of common sense man
Getting someone a roll of toilet paper has got to be the simplest, easiest favor you could do for someone, wtf 🙄 Unrelated to men, but I haven't talked to my parents in years since they wouldn't even let me do laundry at their house. I've been independent from them since I was 18 and joined the Army (I'm 35 now), and I have Never asked for money or Anything at all, so when I moved into a temporary place I didn't wanna deal with buying and setting up a W/D on the 2nd floor for just a handful of months, and living alone I only needed to do laundry like 2 or 3 times a month. So, when they said no and suggested there are laundry mats in town, it really, really hurt. 😶 I know it sounds silly, but I just felt left out in the cold during a blizzard, and I was basically asking for nothing from them. Like, I wasn't asking them to do my laundry, I've done my own since I was a young teen...I just wanted to use their machines for a temporary period of time before I moved across the country from Montana to South Carolina by myself. It's weird to think our relationship dissolved over laundry, but I didn't know how to be around them when they couldn't do me the slightest, slightest favor. Like yea, I'll come over and have dinner to hangout etc. and then scoot off to the laundry mat with my bags, baskets, and roll of quarters while sketchy, creepy dudes stare at me. I'm 5'2", 112lbs. Thanks a lot "Mom and Dad" 🥺 But it's kinda in keeping since they kicked me out at 18 for no reason whatsoever. I was a good kid.
"Now she has to go to the store herself"...Wait, isn't she the one cooking? If so, I think it seems fair that he takes Charge of the Shopping, it's no big deal
So I have this story about literally my first date ever... I was like 17. We went out and I was shy but mostly because he was so generous to me. I wasn't used to get gifts especially in an unconditional way. I always thought that I owed something in exchange to the other person if they paid for things. He paid for almost everything except at the restaurant when I forced him to do 50/50 and yet he paid a little more (I realize that I wasn't yet embracing my feminine energy at this time of my life). And I saw this video and it just reminded me that since birth. When my dad did something for me to help it was always with something in return or when he didn't really have a choice to take care of me or provide for me (that kinda hurts). He was never considerate in an unconditional and compassionate way and it led me for a long time to accept even a little less than the bare minimum. Now I grief the opportunities I have missed even thought I didn't know better. Definitely wished I was more receiving to acts of service and gifts. The overly generous woman never wins. I started embracing receiving more in the present and for the futur as well.
The lists and maps and labour for basic needs and concepts omg…. Can’t believe how dismissed some of us have been. And yet this has made girl friendships so much more valuable because most of us have gone through this teacher experience❤️
Sad thing is I've heard of and experienced crazier. Honestly, it probably didn't begin there, since he had already told her there's no toilet paper and then got super annoyed she asked for a roll anyway so that's why he said no, and maybe in the least yikes case possible she had been doing stuff like that for a while, but even all that in consideration, it's still absolutely awful. Beyond vile. At most it calls for him going up there with a roll of toilet paper and jokingly teasing her with it for a few moments so she remembers it, not punishing her out of childish frustration to punish her.
My best friend , I repeat, my best friend not even boyfriend bought me a sunflower necklace. Because the first time we met in college I accidentally said I love sunflower. I said that ONCE in my lifetime to him and after 6 months he bought me that necklace. Men Don't NEED constant begging if they care about you.
Lol, my current partner knew about the orange peel theory before I did. We were in the car one time, me driving, she asked something about her drink (I don't remember the question now) and on instinct I opened it and handed it to her without really thinking about it which was more then her question. She was surprised as she wasn't even asking all that of me since I was driver but I still did so for her benefit. Now, this wasn't a test but it made her think of the orange peel theory and made her happy. Since I didn't know at the time, she explained it. It makes me happy to know I naturally pass consideration tests ☺️
When I saw the title of the video I smiled cuz I realised he does it for me. Ofc while making fun of me for not being able to do it myself (he knows I can, but our relationship is based on banter after getting together after 4,5 years of close friendship). I'm blessed and grateful to have him 💌💕
a note about hanlon’s razor: it’s not about giving someone a pass for their ignorance, rather, about not taking it personally. if someone doesn’t treat you how you want, it’s likely harm wasn’t the intention, but that doesn’t mean harm wasn’t the outcome. so instead of feeling betrayed and letting it consume your mental, just walk away! being around stupid people who hurt you in their stupidity isn’t worth it like we always say, “don’t get mad, get paid” hanlon’s razor is just another perspective that helps us not get mad, and continue getting paid :)
Ok, the orange thing, idk 😭 because people would do this to me, asking for small but pointless favors consistently, not even asking politely, and I would still do these small favors because I was still learning how to learn how to say no. I have boundaries now. I say this as a woman, so I know the situation is different for men. Be careful that the man always agreeing is a genuine and secure man, not someone who does it begrudgingly. On top of that, don’t take advantage of men who don’t have a backbone. They are not the long term partners you want
You explained perfectly what I personally went through; he's not dumb, he just hates you. I went through a relationship for years knowing this deep down and chucked it down to my partner just being ignorant. I felt like I was not extending grace by having expectations. This validates the fact that the relationship inherently made him a better person and partner. In hindsight, the lessons I learnt will make me wiser in my future relationships and I would rather wait till I get an accountable and compassionate partner than one that I just become character development for. I, like many other spoiled girlie, are not giving trees.
exposing myself rn but I recently cheated on my ex and I’ve felt terrible about it because no one deserves that but with talking to my friends and getting in touch with my feelings it was because he was constantly failing me in the simplest ways, choosing his friends over me, not showing up for me in ways he did in the beginning, and just constantly letting me down so when I felt heard by someone I emotionally cheated with him and this video really drives home that he really did hate me but didn’t want to end the relationship. quite literally when I broke up with him he said he saw it coming and I’m just over here like “if you saw it coming, why didn’t you talk to me, why didn’t you try to do better ????” I had actually made the decision to try harder with him before I cheated and knew I had to leave after it happened. Like I’m a villain but it hurts to really hear this cause it resonates so much
I had an ex who was the same way. He hated me because he felt like I was too good for him and constantly tried to undermine me, and even when I cried he kept going. One time he told me he knew I'd eventually leave him and was enjoying the time he had with me, and ironically this kind of insecurity was why I broke up with him. Looking back on it now I realize he didn't hate me nearly as much as he hated himself. He did apologize to me months after we broke up since we had the same friend group, possibly knowing what he did, but it didn't matter. I thought it would, it didn't. It's best to simply avoid anyone who displays any kind of red flag. It's better to be alone than to chisel at your ability to form bonds because of trauma others will put onto you.
I’m ngl. You shouldn’t have cheated - that was a shitty thing to do and nothing will take away from that. HOWEVER, it’s good that you realised that your ex hated you and left him after this. I’m sorry, it sounds like either way, the outcome was going to be messy. But at least now you can take some time to recover and go over the warning signs so it doesn’t have to come to this if, god forbid, you get into this kind of dynamic again.
I have to agree with everything Carmy ☝🏻 said. You already know you should have handled that differently and regret it and all that, and what’s done is done. If applicable, try to move past any guilt and shame and work to NOT have that dynamic in your future relationships. In an otherwise reasonably mature, monogamous relationship, cheating rarely ever happens just on a whim for no reason (ok, EXCEPTING the inexperienced, inconsiderate, immature, selfish, etc. player types- nuance and all that!) There are usually deep rooted issues at that point that have not been communicated for some length of time. I’m not excusing the behavior, but when you examine the why’s, It’s obvious you had a dynamic going that wasn’t good for you, and it resulted in (presumably) your actions not being aligned with your higher self and ideals. Definitely spend some time sorting this out and cultivating love, respect, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness for yourself so, just for one thing, you don’t enter future relationships in cycles of shame, which ultimately just results in more of the same hurtful behaviors in ourselves that cause it to begin with. And therefore, attracting the same behaviors and attitudes in others towards us. And by hurtful, I’m talking as much about how our behaviors hurt ourselves as well as others. The relationship we have with ourselves will often be reflected in the relationships we have with others. Choose how you treat yourself wisely. Find your worth and self respect and align yourself with it so you attract others that will see it as well. You say you want to get back with him because you were together for two years? Obviously I know it’s more complicated than that- but you might want to unpack and critically exam this, sis. Truly- why do you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you and didn’t show you love and care in the way you need? Who didn’t know their own self-worth, therefore acted accordingly? Who didn’t do better when they felt you slipping away? Who didn’t bring out the best in you? Who left your heart yearning? These things led to you seeking elsewhere- (not putting the blame on him for that specifically and you know you are accountable for that, but he’s to be accountable for his part as well, because his actions played a part in pushing you away) Are you carrying guilt and engaging in some type of self-punishment? Are you trying to somehow make amends for your past or thinking you can change his behavior if you can change yours? If so, you can’t- he was showing you the signs and the dynamic was set well before you made that particular very human mistake. Seriously- is the version of yourself you were with him the one you want to nurture and cultivate? You strayed for a reason- and that’s because you had a heart yearning for something you were NOT getting from him. Do you think you aren’t worth the love you desire? Because you are. Act like it 😉💖 Again, not excusing anything, but it’s important to examine why and to compassionately explore the reasons so you can transmute that experience into wisdom that will help you evolve into the person aligned with the life and love you truly desire and deserve. Not trying to psychoanalyze or anything, and I don’t mean to sound presumptuous or disrespectful or anything like that. I’ve just made my own past mistakes and had a horrible relationship with myself, and I just want to help. I hope you figure things out and that you grow and thrive 💖 Edited for clarity
He would have cheated first ngl. It seems like he was just keeping you around cus there was no one else, same thing has happened to me. Once you feel like you’re only their choice of entertainment when there’s no one else you need to leaveee.
I’m inspired by my parents to find love. My mom is the breadwinner in our family but my dad is very considerate. For example, he knows she doesn’t like driving so he drives her to and from work everyday. He also drives me and my sister to and from work and school. He always knows when I don’t want to do my chore of the day and does it for me. He goes out of his way to make it up to me when I’m upset at him. With my mom, my dad listens to her every suggestion. He renovates our house exactly as she wants even if she changes her mind weeks later, picked up a part time job when we had visitors staying over indefinitely, and makes sure to consult her with everything. Even small things, rubbing her feet or bringing her more wine when they’re sitting on the same couch, he really does show every day that he loves her and his daughters too Sorry if this is rambling but Elle is really inspiring me 😂
I think this is really important. My partner is disabled, and while he has a job, it's been hard for him to find a job that he really enjoys. Anyway, even though neither of us make tons of money - he saved up to take me to San Diego to propose. Like if he loves you he will be considerate to you in any way that he can - and he will make you feel loved in any way he can. He has bought me art supplies because I teach art, and I like frogs and he has bought me silly little frog things. ACTUALLY WHEN I'M BROKE, he makes sure to get me food or will pay for my coffees. I drive, again, because he's BLIND, but he pays for gas and gets me little treats. because he had to be so independent he is really really really good at saving money too, in ways that I'm not - like we opened an account to go back to San Diego and I wanted to add to it - there's already like $1000 in the account i dont know how he does it. I grew up in a farm in a really traditional way, my dad worked and my mom stayed home. That's definitely not the exact path I want, I think I'll always want a job, but it's more about the love that my dad had for my mom. He got her 180 acres of land, and again, he's not a rich man. If they want to they will, they will find any way to do it. The point is it doesn't have to be that whole "traditional wife" path that's taking off, when you're really really in love it doesn't totally matter what "roles" each partner takes as long as there's deep love and consideration.
For how young you are, you are incredibly smart and wisdomed!❤️❤️❤️ I’m 43 and just now learning about all these things after being hurt so so many times by men, by my (ex) husband of 17 years. Thank you so much for this and all your other videos please keep sharing and teaching about malicious men who take advantage of us🙏❤️
I have 2 bfs (poly) and they have made me feel so seen and loved. I get migraines very often, to the point where I'm bedridden at times. These two men have taken turns bathing me, helping me get dressed, tucking me in bed, bringing me soup (bc they know I can't stomach much solids with nausea), water, and painkillers. I have seen them RUN to get me painkillers when the ones I have run out and I'm crying from the pain. Never have they made me feel like being sick is an inconvenience to them. If your bf gets "grossed out" at the mere mention of you needing more tampons, that's not a relationship you should be in.
I think we should give people grace - as in be understanding and kind. It doesn't mean we have to tolerate bad behaviour and let it repeat forever. Even if a person is a little dumb and doesn't mean harm, they will correct their behaviour once called out. Malicious people won't. They will keep doing the thing and claim "they don't mean to, they're just a lil stupiiiid and you should just let it sliiideee! "
I wish these videos existed when I was in my early 20s. I dated a man for 3 years who refused to work, took all my money, went out to bars every night while I slept for work at 6am the next day and when I asked him for flowers bc he stopped doing them after we became official we either fought about how expensive they are when he just bought himself some Nikes w my money, or one time he took my debit card went to the store and came back with the most basic flowers and threw them and my debit card at me and said “here’s your damn flowers are you happy now?” And I thought that was normal, I thought I just wasn’t a good enough girlfriend back then.
Glad we have this to watch now. I'm in my 50s and my mom is in her 70s and we both watch together and wish we had this kind of validation and the language to verbalize when we were in our 20s as well, ESPECIALLY for her as she seemed to choose the same man, different name every time. The gaslighting was far worse back then when we didn't even know what it was and men had ways of pitting women against each other so we wouldn't even communicate with each other to compare notes and recognize the oppression. We all thought it was just us. So crazy that we can get so beat down we think that is just how it is, that it's just how love is. I hope you know it was never about your worth and that you're in a better situation now where you're appreciated, cherished, and spoiled, even if it's you doin' that for yourself.
This all makes me incredibly grateful that the weird avoidant “bad boy” types I used to like in college never liked me enough to date me, and couldn’t take it when I told them directly that I liked them, because who knows if this would have been my fate 10 years later.
I remember having a really bad day when I was attending a comic con with my ex and I was upset the whole time and he didn’t bother to comfort me. We were with a friend so I tried to pretend to be happy and put a smile on my face thinking I won’t be dramatic. After the even ended, when we were having lunch together, he asked me what the matter was and I got emotional feeling super sad and exhausted after pretending to be alright throughout the event. He just stared at me and insinuated that I was doing “drama” and making a scene. I was stumped. Days after he admitted that he didn’t want to get into my issues because “he didn’t want to ruin his day”. That incident broke me as a person.
I been saying “generous” but CONSIDERATION is the word I never knew I meant. Some who just goes above and beyond without you having to ask! Not even every time, but enough! Most are just so low effort.
Yes. That was the concept that gave me clarity. I always felt not seen by the guy. I'm not a pizza fan. He buys all kinds of meals for himself, but when he says he's bringing me dinner, he brings generic pizza. I realize he stopped at a strip mall that has my favorite takeout chicken. He didn't think to get it. I support his band by buying tickets to their gigs. They're small-time affairs. He doesn't think to text me that a gig is starting late or it's a BYOB. He never socializes with me at the gigs, it's as if he doesn't see me at all. The one time he came to talk to me at a gig, he was c8ckblocking. Another man was chatting me up, he engaged the man and led him away to "talk business". When I later pointed that out, he said he didn't remember. And though I stopped bonking him years ago, he's still dealing out slights.
Still not entirely over a man who i had a connection with but he disrespected me and triangulated me with his past flames on the first date even!! So i reallly needed this sis 😭 i blocked his ass but it’s hard to get rid of lingering thoughts esp since it’s hard to find good men who I can be attracted to
I'm in the same boat right now, bestie. Stay strong! This too shall pass. I am confident that we can and will all find good men who will treat us like they should. ❤
@@fallingfish1084 thank you bestiee 🥹 yes only the best of the best deserve access to us esp our affections!! They gotta come READY for us from the start
I went on a date with a guy who was really nice but on the second date we went out to a paint bar. It was fun but afterwards I was starving. I told him I was hungry but he wanted to go shopping. We went shopping but after 15 minutes I nicely asked if we can go get something to eat. After the third time I insisted 😡 I refused the next date. If a guy won't listen to your needs to feed you then he's not thinking about your feelings. He was so upset that I refused his next date.
Teaching men to apologize. You have to treat them like a child. I apologize for things I've done by accident and then I have to point out that I've apologized. Then when they do something bad I have to tell them, "why don't you apologize? I apologize when I do something? Why don't you care enough about me to apologize?" Then you just have to keep repeating this pattern until they learn to apologize and prioritize their relationship with you rather than their own pride.
Girl at 5:28 is so wise with how she describes this equity in relationships. 7:06 - And talking about the need for repair: "The red flag of failure to repair. The redder flag of failure to repair the failure to repair." The need for empathy, for an apology (with intent to not cause the same harm again), is soo important & such a necessary component. Oh, and the weird need to not be a threat to a man's ego at the end, yeah yikes.
I've been binging your videos lately. You're helping me realize how truly lucky I am to have the husband I do. He's not perfect (nobody is), but he always prioritizes me. He always makes sure I know I'm his priority.
![50/50 men are in survival mode [generational wealth, free bird theory]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/e4PYIzigFR0/mqdefault.jpg)
![50/50 men are in survival mode [generational wealth, free bird theory]](/img/tr.png)
I got a real life answer to the question "would you love me if I was a worm?".
I got diagnosed with cancer at age 24 and I told my husband that starting chemo means: I bring no money to our family, I can't work or do chores around the house, I can't take care of our children, I will become "ugly" (I lose all my hair everywhere, am pale, gain weight etc), I don't want to have sex and my mental health can decline. He said "I don't care, all I care about is that you are alive." And he kept his word. He made 3x his salary one month and planned a vacation for us for when the chemotherapy was over. He showed me that even when I do NOTHING and am at my absolute lowest most vulnerable state he will still choose me. When you find a man who actually loves you for just the woman you are, all these below bare minimum men are LAUGHABLE.
So happy for you and your family. God bless🧡
@@zampierrafaela thank you lovely 🥰❤️
This made me burst into tears.
I constantly tell my fiance that he sets the standards for men in partnerships. He is literally my golden king.
He is confused why that makes me feel bad. (I know I'm nowhere near as good a partner to him)
This is absolutely beautiful ❤️. I am so happy for you and it provides proof that there really are some good men out there.
"He's not dumb, he just hates you" was a complete vibe. we need to stop justifying mens disrespect with ignorance or lack of awareness. They know, they just don't care. PERIOD!
@@DBLRxyzmake your own post about it if you feel so strongly
OP is absolutely right. I really don't care for yall. It's just a genuine sense of indifference for women. I don't love yall, but I dont hate yall. I'm just apathetic towards yall.
@@TheWardog6650
Good then GO AWAY
@@TheWardog6650Boy wtf are you on about? 😂
@@TheWardog6650 cool, so don’t interact with us then 👋
Everything in this was so true but especially this: "When women hate men they avoid men but when men hate women they access and hurt women. "
This comment is something. 😮
@@bandanarathore They chase us no matter what. They're obsessed.
Agree!
@@CharlieApplesit could be multiple women when you really think about it. They will never admit this to you either they will just flip it on you and say your bitter and your just over reacting but a lot of them aren't equipped for a relationship and women are okay with that but what we're not okay with is them chasing after women that don't want them. They go way above and out of there league when they look for women too and I've learned the only way to reject them is let them down gently or lie and say you have a bf or your married. They want single women to be miserable so badly but the truth is there the ones that are miserable because they even find ways to get there mothers to hate us. Some of these mammies and pick mes are obsessed with these men too but there so worried about the pretty ones that are already attached to a man or gay. They want what they can't have and that's the real reason they keep getting rejected because there looking for women that don't match there lifestyles. There's plenty of women that still want to be married but they look for the ones that don't want to be married. Doesn't really add up.
.
"When women hate men, they avoid men. But when men hate women, they access and hurt women." "They hurt us because they hate that they need us." "He's not dumb. He just hates you."
So true!! I won't forget these words. ❤
What?! 😂😂
@Joshuwiii then live by that and continue on your single journey 🙏🏾
Girl, I'm suing her because she done snatched my edges off with facts! Who's with me?!🤣💅🏼
So true, when i hate how i’m treated by Men and get spiteful i avoid them as a whole. They hate us and want to cause us pain wether physically or mentally.
We avoid them bc they are abusers, it is not about hate it is about protection
I’ve been vegetarian since birth. Was plant based for 6 years. My last boyfriend was not and hunts occasionally. I didn’t care but I don’t want to talk about it. He asked me multiple times to go on a hunting trip with him. I kept saying no. Absolutely no! He kept asking. I felt like he was just trying to annoy me. Then one day he described in detail how they’d release a goat and shoot at it and how fun and funny it was. I was getting upset and he kept talking about it. Then I got pissed and started crying. He was so shocked that “I overreacted” and “didn’t understand” why I was so upset. So glad I dumped his stupid ass.
If it wasn't for my very similar experiences I'd have called bullshit on stories like this, but alas, it's actually common. On a brighter note, in high school I had a boyfriend who made me turkey sandwiches though he was vegan because he knew I liked them. I would have never asked, he made that choice because I'm a picky eater and he wanted to be safe. I also remember us sitting at his parents' place one day chewing on ice for an hour because we couldn't figure out what we wanted to eat. He wasn't perfect but stuff like that stuck with me. It's sad that mostly bad stuff stuck with me from most relationships.
My ex-husband would do this with pork. I grew up Muslim, so never ate pork my whole life, still don't just because. He was always trying to force pork on me, waving bacon in my face. Just nonsense. No respect because HE thought it was stupid. ❤
On a brighter note, and to show you there are good men out there: I am a pescatarian. I once was out with my ex-boyfriend who goes to the supermarket and does meal-prep on Saturdays and he was reading me his list of everything he needed and every meal he had in mind for the next week. I casually mentioned that I wouldn’t go to his house to eat that week (we both worked from home in our separate houses) because everything had meat. He was silent for rest of the car ride. When I asked what was going on, he said he was trying to memorize all the modifications he’d make to his meals, so every single day of the week he’d have something to available to offer me if I popped up for lunch or dinner.
That's not hunting anyway.
@@MaynardsSpaceshipexactly, that sounds more like animal abuse/ torture and sadistic behaviour
I appreciate this theory but the women saying they're being "spoiled" because their boyfriend/husband cleans the house he lives in or washes the dishes he uses is very telling.
WOW the bare minimum
I dont think it is because they are doing basic chores as much as purposely doing them because they know their partner hates to do them.
Yes it should be way more than that.. Like women of these relationship always do 50/50 so it should be a must they do household work. I guess the woman in the tiktok meant like it's the small things he does..? Like not necessarily just washing the dishes but doing the "nice things" without asking for it
@@thesevenkingswelove9554yeah I agree I wouldnt exactly call that spoiling a woman that's just called having manors having good manors is like the bare minimum for a relationship because if a woman were to do the same thing and spoil her bf by washing the dishes or cooking a meal you might not even get a thank you. You would hear something like, "it's great that you helped me clean today but...then he inserts whatever bullshit he can come up with that you didn't do to make you feel lazy or that you weren't fast enough.
I'm not sure why they expect women to work like robots but you can tell some of these women are being brainwashed by them because they never totally compliment a woman anymore if you noticed whatever she does isn't good enough to please them but they still call themselves the more logical and less complicated gender if they were they wouldnt be so picky with women. A woman wouldn't think it's love now just because her bf brought her a cup of coffee which is sad if a woman interprets that as love. Usually when guys do that it means they want something from you in return too. It's very selfish and Im glad I'm not the only one that noticed this double standard.
If you think being a spoiled girlie is about a man just doing chores it’s very telling on your part 😂
#WOWtheBareMinimum
I know my boyfriend is a keeper because I don't even need to ask him to do those little things, and he does them anyway. He spoils me rotten with consideration, affection and love. He will out of the blue massage my feet without me asking, or bring me water because I need to drink more water - even though I don't really have an issue with drinking water, it's just his way of showing love. Love is gentle and kind.
Edit: I'm super overwhelmed with the happy wishes for our relationship. ❤ Hopefully I can edit this a few years down the line to say we got married. Fingers crossed 🤞🏽
I wrote this description in my manifestation journal
That is great!! So glad you are winning❤
@@afrofaeries yes!!! May you and this love find each other, and may you find a beautiful, loving, fulfilling life in the meantime!! Yes!! I speak this upon you, and to all the other girlies who need this 💖
Goals!! This is what I want in my next relationship, not allowing myself to settle for less 😭
I love reading things like this because it reminds me that men like this exist.
Sometimes Hanlon’s razor is applicable, but Grey’s law should be memorized by women in particular: “Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.”
☝💯💯💯
Yep, at a certain point failing to educate and improve yourself as a sentient adult is negligence and possibly malicious.
everytime my grandpa went to the store, he would always call my grandma first and asked what she wanted. She would tell him. When he came back, he brought everything EXCEPT what she asked for. he did this every. single. time. this infuriated my grandma every. single. time. did he apologize? did he go back to the store and get what she asked? no, he laughed in her face and gaslit her literally into her grave claiming he brought "everything she asked him for." and she "never asked for any of that" "what are you talking about? you're crazy"
my grandpa also brought flowers for my grandma for mother's day, their anniversary, and her birthday etc while simultaneously emotionally, physically and verbally abusing her every single chance he got. plot twist: he was also married to a WHOLE OTHER woman for 30+ years!!! and we never knew until that second wife called us saying she wanted to divorce him. best part? despite having two wives, he died alone. 💀
there's multiple layers but my grandma was severely trauma bonded and refused to leave him despite everything.
growing up witnessing this, flowers don't mean anything to me.
If anything, I've learned these bare minimum below low effort men don't grow up, they grow just grow old. My grandpa treated my grandma like trash all 60+ years of their marriage literally until the day she died. He is NEVER worth it, bestie. YOU are worth more. Leave him!!!
Speechless.
@@S04-xxx Truly. It's that's only the tip of the iceberg.
That's so awful.
I am so sorry for your grandma 🥲 she deserved better. I hope she is happy and at peace now. Thank you for reminding me that this malicious immature men never grow up they just grow old. Perfect example being my father. Went no contact with the whole family and now I am doing so much better ❤✨💫
@@月亮-g5f Thank you for your kind words ❤ good for you! It's not easy but its so worth it. So thankful for Elle in teaching us to break generational traumas! Praying for you and your family, bestie 💕😊
To be honest, it just doesn't matter if he is dumb or malicious. The effect to your life is the same, and that's all that matters. You're not their mom and they are not children. If they think they need to learn they will learn.
exactly! i made another comment about how hanlon’s razor doesn’t imply you have to give someone a pass just because they were stupid instead of malicious.
i feel like it is still useful to us spoiled girlies because it allows us to not get mad, but get paid.. the point is to not internalize when people treat you poorly, regardless of their intentions, and walk away with your head held high the moment someone doesn’t show you the respect you deserve
No. They will not learn.
This.
Very true, some Men are dumb and some are malicious but if they do damage over and over they need to go.
Hanlon's razor is not about letting people continue bad behaviour, but how to correct it. Everybody is different. You must teach people how to treat you. Because only you know your sensitivities. First presume, that people are considerate, just not know that they offended you. Considerate people will change their behaviour. And you will stay friendly with them. Malicious people will not. But then you will know, that they are inconsiderate and you can force them to change their behaviour.
If you treat considerate person as malicious, that just makes you malicious and they have right to treat you that way
Men “teaching women a lesson” is right up there with “testing” woman. I have actually had (young) men tell me that they were just “testing” me by asking or saying or doing something really crazy or demeaning. Just don’t, because eff around and you’ll find out, brother. I always dumped them immediately if they did that. Bye, boy.
Yep. Any signs of "testing" need to be pushed back swiftly.
Why would you even need to "test" someone you love ? Stupid. It's FAFO season.
because they dont actually love you they hate you@@efanden
The crazy stuff testing was always the downhill point to break up for me too. Very
I don't know if it was also testing, but two seperate men told me about hurting cats (one told me he had to drown kittens, and another that he had to run over a cat while driving) after they get to know I love cats 😢
The toilet paper thing was NOT small. Bringing it upon request would have been small. It's like letting your roommate in when they just accidentally locked themselves out while you are home is a very small, obviously expected act of service. It's so small that it's not even worth mentioning. But letting your roommate stay locked out while they are begging to be let in is a HUGE act of malice.
Not only that but telling them "i told you to take your keys"
You can just feel the anger in his actions of silent treatment then the getting the tp for her but throwing it and slamming the door. If you have experienced that kind of behavior from a partner (🙋♀️), you can absolutely feel his anger in those actions. PTSD for real ladies.
It reminded me of this lady who let her daughter walk in the cold because she forgot her jacket at school or something. She punished her by letting her walk around cold. It's just sick, you don't treat people you care about that way, or anyone even.
It also makes me think, if he was in a public restroom and a man was in the stall and asked him to pass toilet paper, would he just say "you should've looked before you went in"??
@@lisamari941Or you could've done what was done in the film: "The Help".
Ok so I'm bisexual, and I once dated this girl, and we both constantly bought each other stuff, after we ended things I realized it had been my most romantic relationship and it's not like we were madly in love, we just liked each other and thought the other was nice to be around, if we did all that for someone we just liked, married men should be able to give so much more to the women they claim to love
Dating women had raised my standards completely, I'm so grateful 🙏🏼
Women are just simply better to have around. I don't think you could know a woman and say there wasn't any value to the relationship if you ever drifted or that you wasted that time you invested, but you could definitely say that about a man lol, no offence to them. I'm so grateful I don't have to worry about this shit though hahah ✨🤷🏻♀️🌞
Literally. Not only does a man need to prove himself a good addition to my life, but he needs to measure up to the women I have dated.
@@mutedroar yes! It really gives you a bigger perspective on healthy relationships
@@jordanferguson2254 yeah it's sad but true, some guys are simply not bringing anything to the table, I wouldn't say all of them because I've met a few who are actually interesting but it isn't a lot
I remember I told my then “boyfriend” I split my groceries in two because it was all too heavy for me to get at once and he barely reacted. Relationship lasted a week, he was truly useless
If partnership is something you want in your life, I am hoping for you that you get a loving, doting partner who will carry your groceries and do all the things that mean the most for you and more, big and small!! Here’s to a year full of consideration, kindness, love, and appreciation of your value 💖💖💖
Same here. I have scoliosis and have surgery at 12 years old. I'm fragile and my ex wouldn't help me. Also I begged him for meat, because I had anemia problem, he didn't care, he was "yes I'll bring this to you" and he will ALWAYS FORGET.
My mom got wild when she knew that. 😂
@@e.t.2914 Yeah yeah but it's also true that when someone cares they want to help you or make life easier for you on their own volition
...I have chronic pain, and even when I needed a cane, I still have always jumped to grab at least a bag of two of groceries when my able-bodied partner has always insisted I don't need to.
😂😂useless perfect word
The bathroom situation was really horrible. Also if he knew that there was no tissue in the restroom, why didn’t he restock it instead of trying to teach her a lesson? Typically when you notice something running low in your home, you replace it.
That's another good point. He's the one, who noticed there was no more toilet paper. Had maybe even used the last bit. Why the heck didn't he grab a couple rolls and restock the bathroom?
Omg, yes, especially if you have visitors coming over. I would never want a friend or especially a date to be stuck in a bathroom without toilet paper when they come over. How is he not embarrassed??
Training her to clean his bathroom for him one roll of toilet paper at a time. I’ve heard of men purposely leaving their homes a little unkempt the first time they bring a new woman in as a test to the woman they’re dating to see if she falls into the role of maid and “homemaker”
@@elainalanikova1588not a partner but my own father does this to me ffs
Oh, he absolutely expected her to drop everything and restock it for him the second he came out of the bathroom himself and told her it was low. He didn't want to do it himself; he had a bangmaid for that. I always kept the toilet paper stored in the bathroom, that's what childhood trauma does. Girl needs to run far and fast.
Those broken misogynists are the ones complaining about " male loneliness epidemic". Because there are not looking for a wife. They're looking for a placeholder ( free s worker, cook, roomate, life assistant..) to use as a stepping stone and rehab center to gain self confidence, value and money.
yes, exactly
My moms friends son literally he’s dating a girl that pays for everything and He has a picture of this girl in the wall and he said it’s his dream girl and it’s his ex girlfriend and his new girlfriend over now and I was like OK I’m definitely getting plastic surgery I don’t ever wanna be a placeholder I want someone to think that I like the prettiest girl alive
@@Alicia-vq8jg I think you made wrong conclusion here. To not be a placeholder is to have standards and only accept respectable and loving treatment. It doesn't mean to mold your face into something some guy might wish his gf to have. If you have low self esteem, they just know and treat you accordingly. Besides, trash men cheat on every woman, even like Beyonce or Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. You see? The point here is to grow self love, self confidence and have discernment when it comes to who you should date. Never change yourself for some guy, it will backfire. Be your own dream girl, vibe and thrive and your partner will be scared to loose YOU!
I am convinced at this point that these tactics of weaponized incompetence, combativeness, gaslighting, withholding affections etc is the new type of abuse men engage in against women. Since it is no longer socially acceptable to hit women and call them bitches, these are tactics that modern day abusers have resorted to using to punish their victims (women). I suggest reading Lundy Bancroft’s book, why does he do that. It is an older book but still holds true. He goes into detail explaining that many men are socialized to see women as less than and dehumanize them. These same men hide behind childhood trauma and mental illness to enact their abuse, even though there is no evidence supporting that people who had difficult childhoods abuse more than those who didn’t. Trust your intuition out there. If something doesn’t feel right with a guy then LEAVE. These same guys objectify us and think we are dumb, we just need to stay on our toes and be aware of what constitutes abuse, it demystifies a lot of the confusion regarding men’s behaviors.
Omg the combativeness. Always ready to fight. Such drama queens truly.
Well said and yes, a must a read!!
Yesss
Great comment. That's a great book too. I read it years ago.
I’ll just say, that I had childhood trauma, and if I haven’t worked on it and worked towards healing - I would be abusive and toxic as well, so it’s actually true
But, it doesn’t mean that anyone should put up with that and with abusive people just because they had a rough childhood!
It up to them to work on themselves and heal so they’ll become a better person.
I cried to my LDR boyfriend while sick with a fever because my parents didn't make me soup, and left to do errands (it was 2 days before Christmas, things were hectic). Without my knowledge, he immediately ordered delivery of a soup from a restaurant for me to get within the hour. And then he did a grocery delivery of canned soup, vitamin water, snacks, and flowers for me.
I was so sick, hadn't eaten in over 16 hours, and felt so tired.
I wasn't expecting it at all and I felt so loved.
Parental disclaimer: I am an adult, and I typically don't get sick. I am always the least affected in my family when we all catch something. I hadn't been this sick in almost 10 years and I don't think they realized how bad it was this time.
That's so cute ❤️ I had scoliosis with anemia and my ex didn't care at all. When I told me he said "it's like that to everyone, why do you expect ?".
I think girls with good boyfriend must show how good is a good boyfriend, like that, stupid men will feel their own stupidity.
I was on a LDR and I told my boyfriend (now ex) that I was super sad and I was having such a rough day... so he decided to not speak to me throughout the entire day, and when I confronted him about it he said that "I didn't check up because I'd knew we would argue'
@@ia7072my bf always says ‘well aren’t you always in pain?’ yes. Yes tf I am. I still need basic love from you.
@@Julia-dj7kpNOOO WTF THW AUDACITY
Soup is love
What scares me about these trends is narcissistic men knowing to do this for you at the beginning and then… doing what narcissists do.
Narcs aren't very good at hiding. Psychopaths can be. That's when you look out for someone being *too* perfect. Never even making small, human mistakes. Narcs are going to slip up in small ways, like walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk (not sheltering you from cars), or...honestly the orange test. They will at minimum make a snarky comment. They can't do things selflessly for others. It isn't in their nature.
The best filter for a narcissist is showing disappointment with and of their gestures. If they're stinky love bombing, they'll be pissed. If they're sincere, they'll take specific (kind) feedback.
@@monikabennett could you reword this please! I didn’t quite understand but I am so curious to!
@@laurafandino9783I think what they’re saying is, a narcissist will get angry and upset if you politely criticize their ‘love’ towards you. a sincere person would try and change to make you happy.
"You don't negotiate minimum wage" That's just the best way to formulate it. It's self explanatory, clear and true 🙌
"How your partner treats you is a reflection of them, not you ❤ If they mistreat you, it's because they are broken people, not because you deserve to be mistreated"
Exactly... they project themselves in you.
So good.
❤
Absolutely the case
I agree with this I’ve been the broken one who hurt others unintentionally.
my girls, I need to tell you my story. if you EVER doubt that this can happen to you, PLEASE read this :
i spent 4 years in a relationship where I never got taken to dinner ONCE and actually I payed for multiple dinner, where on valentines I would organize surprises for him, on his birthday i would bake cakes and invite friends , and he never did any of that for me .
After breaking up with him I was filled with feminine power and stopped fulfilling the role of a man in my relationships. and all the men i’ve dated after have showered me with gifts, love and affirmations , they would tell me everyday how beautiful and an amazing unique person I was, I never payed for 1 dinner. all of this , and I didn’t actually change anything about the way I dress or behave , i changed my energy.
please believe, you are destined for greater things . we all are
I’m so happy for you! You finally got the love you deserve:D
I am manifesting love too☺️ so far no luck but I would love a boyfriend that is a total green flag!
Omg love this for you! How did you change your energy? Its still hard for me to find healthy masculine men or them to find me
Inspiring and so true, absolutely happy for you may be all be so lucky 💗
How did u do this? I was that girl too and i dont want to be that anymore
Consideration truly is a love language. My ex swore up and down to me that he would move with me out of the city we lived in because i was crumbling under the weight of day to day city living (I'm from the country) when i told him i was looking for jobs closer to home this loser tells me "if you go i won't come with. Im staying here for my COMEDY career". I literally moved to an apartment in a dangerous neighborhood so he could have easier access to bars and clubs for his comedy. I let him borrow my car regularly, which he would abuse the use of. I helped him get his ducks in a row for shows.... And then he strung me along for half a year, making me believe that he would move with me if i left the city knowing full well he would never do for me what i was willing, and did, for him. Some men are really just top prime trash. Know your worth ladies.
"He's not dumb, he just hates you."
Huge truth bomb there.
Yes! "Dating is observation not rehab"
This guy I dated very briefly had the absolute gall to raise his voice at me and throw a jealous tantrum. Afterwards i thought to myself that he felt confident to act that way because he thought HE HAD ME when in reality he was on a "job interview" with me as the employer and NO he did not get the job lol
I dated guys who hated me and I got out. now I am dating a good boyfriend and while I was watching this he came upstairs and offered to refill my drink unprompted and now I’m crying bc it was such an amazing moment. Wow my life has come so far! If I had stayed with my ex I would still be dealing with stuff like this! My ex mad me drive myself to the ER with a blinding migraine after childbirth. I shouldn’t have stayed even a minute longer but everything was tied to him and we had a new baby. I look back at it as him baby trapping me bc he felt insecure that other men looked at me when we went places. He always said stuff like “why are they all looking at you?” like he didn’t know who I was before we got married! I’m pretty looking and he couldn’t handle the pressure that I feel everywhere I go for the small amount of time we spent together. He hated me! Now I have a keeper!
Your story gives me hope😊
That's awesome, best wishes to you and your kiddos Christina 🧡💛🤍
I am so sad that a man refilling a drink unprompted is such an upgrade for so many women. Like I have a female friend who is my roommate rn, we have no romantic or sexual interest in each other at all, but we literally make each other coffee and tea and dinner and pack each other's lunches unprompted. Sometimes we buy each other gifts just cause we saw something the other might like.
@Manifestelle I’m a 57 y/o (now) spoiled girly, your content helped break through my negative delulu re. a malicious below bare minimum low effort male who hated me. I was finally able to see him clearly and end it. When I heard you say “wake UP bestie! Bestie wake UP!” it literally woke me up. You’re amazing, thank you for the wonderful work and much success to you!
I second that
She really is great.
You really are great thanks for the awesome content!!!
All women matter no matter the age! We need to save the young and old. They deserve love and respect and I'm glad the other generations are seeing their worth!
im of proud you!
That's so wonderful to hear! Congratulations to you for realizing that you deserve so much more! 💖💖💖
Congrats 🎉,she made me realize many things Aswell❤
Yeah this is is gonna be your best Year ever!!
❤❤❤😊
My mom and I recently talked about marriage issues and abuse that some older female relatives suffered. The conversation left me fuming and I told my mom that if my partner ever hit me or was an addict with little hope of recovering, I would leave. My mom seemed indifferent, as if… I was being unreasonable and too strict I guess? I immediately felt apologetic but snapped out of it. These things that we are supposed to tolerate run deep…
Same thing happened with me as well.
My mom was severely @bu$ed by my dad and his in-laws and back at that time it was so normal in my country (India) .
When I told my mom that if my partner did the same stuff as what her husband did with her, I would divorce him ASAP and file a DV case against him.
Guess what, my mom was flabbergasted and told me how these acts are against our Indian values and that a good Indian woman would try her best not to break a marriage :(
Now, I get it ! Why India has the lowest Divorce rate (1% ) . Women weren't allowed to get educated so they would be financially dependent on their husband who would $u¢k the hell out of them.
They have settled with delusional conformity. Don't allow any kind of abuse tbh
I am 24. I have always done very well academically. In my country, they give you a gold medal for academic achievements at school, and I have that. I also had a full scholarship and stipend. Every time boys found out I was doing better than them or was more gifted they started the humbling. Every single time. At school, cram schools, science camps. I was not even being proud. I was just getting good grades and feedback. Before discovering that I was not a dummy, I was treated normally, and then the bullying would start. Their favorite humbling tactic was calling me ugly of course. Even as little boys, they do it.
Yes, this! Happened to me too.
Wow true... I really excelled in my earlier years and got teased. It shamed me into underperforming.
There is certainly a kind of peace when I went into an all girls middle school...
That’s disgusting!
Happened to me as well and I could have said a lot about that guy's appearance but I stopped. I still regret that. I should have said him something traumatic when he was bullying me for getting more marks than him.
Men can’t accept a lot of us are better than them at virtually everything. A real man will encourage you to be even better & to reach your goals and dreams. He wants to see your flourish. Grateful I have one like this
My X refused to pick me from hospital after a small operation. I was still dizzy and needed to be picked. He said: take a taxi. Thx but No thx.
😮
@@Joshuwiiidawg shut up 💀
The toilet paper thing was so insane, like that's "I'm leaving you and cutting you off ASAP" behavior. If your partner looks so down on you that they relish in "teaching you a lesson" then they aren't your partner, you're their hostage.
That stand up "comedian" is obviously part of that Everybody Loves Raymond brand of humor where women accept men's incompetence and callousness.
It wasn't funny then and it still isn't funny now.
the way he called even tho she said cant talk, the way he didnt get the pumpkin even tho she might need it and the way he didnt just turn around to get it for her was a huge ick...
I can't stand that show. All I could think about while watching it was how poorly he treated his wife.
Yeah he was obnoxious. So he's just assuming she ignored his messages on purpose? If it's going to voice-mail and he's getting messages (that might be auto messages) saying she can't talk, she's probably doing something else that takes priority. He's just assuming what she was doing isn't more important than answering his calls when it was, since he's obviously incapable of making a simple decision to just spend the $2 on a can of pumpkin. He seems like he'd be a pain in the a$$ husband, especially with that voice.
he’s so old school Boomer, he has to get with the times
"Dating is observation- let him reveal himself" 🙏 observe and adjust accordingly
Girl that "dating is observation, *NOT rehab* " omggg. I've had so many genuine 💡 moments watching your content. I hope you have THEE best year 💞💞
Dating is collecting data for decision making.
Amen, sister! This is the MOST effective therapy in my life. Veils are dropping from my soul. And I'm a boomer starting my 3rd and final chapter. I think it's kismet that this woman popped into my feed. All my life I've said it's better to win in the end.
True this!
This for my relationship goes both ways. My fiancé not only peels my oranges, he also takes out that white stuff that tastes bitter, and I peel shrimps when we eat some, because he doesn't like to do it. Acts of kindness and consideration are the minimum in a good marriage/relationship
This is so sweet ❤ also me af I hate peeling oranges, but I looove to peel shrimp haha
The part where you said men like to hurt women is so spot on. Whenever they have insecurity issues, they take it out onto us and purposely humiliate us to other people.
Reminds me of that time that my dad got super political, in his usual rants and he was arguing and accusing my aunt just because she remained a fair and balanced view - not making a controversial or tremulous statement. I heard him start to argue with her and stepped into defend her. He literally insulted and embarrassed me and yelled at me to “shut up” with a “stay in your place” tone in front of my aunt that I was defending and her niece.
The only men I've ever truly fallen in love with were the ones who did nice things for me without me having to ask. If a guy is so inadequate and "helpless" you feel like you're acting like a mom towards him, LEAVE his sorry ass immediately!
But it ok if he's dumb. You still leave. If they don't understand, they probably won't during your relationship, and it's not your responsibility to teach. It's your responsibility to communicate, but not to teach.
That first video of the man refusing to buy canned pumpkin is weaponized incompetence in action. Also she was probably watching his literal children or something like wtf. Also heyyyyy bestieeee 💮🍥💗🦋🌆 Always coming in clutch for the girlies
I wish he’d watch this very vid calling him out on his BS
Fr, she was probably at work or doing housework or hell, even if she was doing something ‘frivolous’ like talking to a friend or going to the salon, can’t she expect her husband to be able to buy groceries by himself without mommy’s help?
It's just why such a big deal in the first place? Just buy the can of pumpkin like I swear most people would and that ve it. He made that problem up out of nothing. Why make up problems. It was exhausting his wife must be exhausted
My fiancé doesn’t like to give me flowers because the thought of cutting a beautiful thing like a flower and shortening their life makes him sad. Now, I love flowers, but feel kinda similarly (even though I will still buy or cut my own bouquets)
So instead, he buys me plants and bulbs, so we can together grow and nurture plants that will keep giving flowers 🥰
For us, it’s not about the flowers. It’s definitely about the gesture, and everything implicated therein.
(Ok, AND it’s about the flowers! Because, well…flowers!!)
Edited for grammar and clarity
That's so cute ! ❤ 🪻🌻
I love that too, I prefer seeds, bulbs and potted plants so that I get to see them thrive instead of wither away ☺️ so nice that you get to enjoy the flowers together 🌺🌹
This is so cute!
Am I the only one who gets amazed and impressed with each time she posts video on TH-cam
The wisdom that she has about woman and men and the relationship dynamics between men and women at a very young age continue to amaze me 🤯🛐
Was thinking the same thing. And I’m waaay older than her taking my younger “sisters” advice. I’ve been so understanding and compassionate. Paying for everything and holding them when they cry or when they cheat and they’re crying. Jesus. The thing is, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. Didn’t think guys were better than that. I’m happily single and also starting to open my eyes and seeing the world has some pretty cool guys. It was about my self esteem anyway choosing these dudes. All me
i’m sooooo glad i found her youtube channel. i’m 20 and have 0 dating experience - however, i just know that the words that she preaches in her videos will stay with me for the rest of my life and will hopefully spare me from making major mistakes. i'm so grateful for her.. my confidence and self image have improved so much since i first discovered her and i really can’t thank her enough for that. here’s to knowing your self worth !!!!
Yes, I feel that she's a reincarnation of a sage from another time. Her points hit like that Antiope triple arrow shot in Wonder Woman. Awesome.
So true. My dad is not the greatest guy around. But he would do ANYTHING for my mom. That is the standard. If a guy isn't doing everything he can to make you happy, he doesn't even like you!
My mom swears up and down that she 3 boyfriends, my dad included. Dad won by making dinner. Those dinners never stopped. 🥰
@@celiashen5490 Good food would definitely make a guy stand out!
This is the kind of husband I aspire to be.
Just curious, if doing everything possible to make my woman happy is standard, how should I go about trying to be better than the standard?
@rixaxeno7167 With such a high standard, that's already putting in 100%. Many women put in 100% by default, and they just want men to reciprocate that effort. You are enough. You don't have to be better than the best version of yourself. Like I said, my dad isn't the best guy ever. He gets frustrated easily, he believes in conspiracy theories and he is ridiculously stubborn. But he really loved and respected my mom, and I can respect that even if I don't like him as a person. If you're putting in the effort to make your wife happy, you're willing to listen when she has a problem, and are willing to fix your mistakes and grow as a person, you're doing a fantastic job. Of course, your wife should be doing the same for you, because you also deserve to be loved and respected. That's a strong relationship that will last for decades. It's good that you're watching this channel's content. A lot of men are unaware of how other men treat women, and that's important!
@jessn.3851 I greatly appreciate your advice, so thank you for taking the time to respond.
I am not married yet and have no children, so this is a self-development project to turn myself into the best dad/husband possible.
To be perfectly honest, it's hard for me to watch this kind of content for too long. I have made many of the mistakes shown in these videos in the past, and it feels like a knife to the heart when I learn that my awful memory and absent-minded autopilot behaviors actually come across as genuine hatred. It's honestly really scary to know that at any time, I could be hurting someone I care about and never know until it's too late. There were so many breakups that felt like they came from nowhere, so many questions over so many years.... and no one ever told me.
Even still, I'd rather hate myself than risk that my partner could feel hated by me.
"but when we took a break, I got flowers" that hit hard. That's my below-bare minimum low-effort ex
Years ago I dated this guy long distance (he was military). We lived about 5 hrs apart and he had no upcoming deployments, so he had the ability to plan forward to come see me/fly me out. He never did - I would always have to push the matter and constantly propose dates. He made it seem so complicated to pick dates (even though his schedule was technically more flexible bc I was working AND in grad school full time). He didn't plan ahead to see me on any "significant" dates such as big holidays or our anniversary, but took a whole week of leave time on a whim for a road trip with his best friend/roommate. After we broke up, within a month he was begging for me back and was SOMEHOW able to drive down for an entire weekend on a whim trying to win me back (in the past, he acted like traveling in that way to see me was impossible). He also mailed me multiple gifts (never did that when we dated).
Wow, isn't it sad when you get the things you wanted while in a relationship, but now it's too late. You would have been stuck always driving the relationship with fear and threats if you had gone back bcs love isn't enough to motivate him. Glad you got out sis 💕
Flowers can literally cost less than $20, if you are dating a man that lives more than 10 minutes from your house, you spend that on gas every few days just to go see him. Save your gas money and buy your own flowers.
😂😂😂
Women need to apply stress to guys to see how they react to things. If they seem angry at the small things, run the other way. You also should see how they are when genuinely angry before you even consider a relationship with them. They could act lovely when everything is going well but if something stressful happens, you want to see what their true reaction is. If they react physically, like throwing toilet paper in the video, that shows when something bigger happens, they won't hesitate to do something even more violent. Even if they don't act out that badly, you can usually tell by the look in their eyes or sound of their voice what they are capable of. Never tolerate abuse of any kind!
Genuinely compassionate and kind guys will not complain about being pressed by you because they will see it at an honour. Good partners love it when eachother has standards since it shows commitment and exclusivity. They want to grow with eachother and to also grow personally and emotionally for their own development. They will not lash out on eachother but think about how they can improve themselves to be better and more empathetic to eachother and their family.
The guys you hear complaining about women being overly picky, etc. are the trashy ones you don't want in your life anyway.
💯👏🏻
Stupid guys are contradictions. When you have standards, they will be mad at you because you have standards.
And when you don't, they will blame you because you're too "easy".
@@ia7072 don't bother with the ones who get mad. They're immature.
Wdym apply stress to guys? That seems like a great way to end up forever alone...
What felt off, chaotic and jumbled is now clear! men are not taught or even wired to have the level of empathy we have. AND WE MUST OBSERVE MEN BEFORE WE GIVE OURSELVES. I can’t believe going into my memory now, how many men wanted and enjoyed seeing me suffer. Only 1 college bf was kind and empathetic. My brother is, so I thought most were. But at 54, I realize now they can be low level sadistic. Thank you Elle. watching all of your vids is a gift. ❤
Ex husband left me because he thought he'd be better on his own. Admitted to using me and avoiding me and knowing he put too much on my shoulders because I'd take it. Now he's in debt from his bad finances (I was the financially literate one in the relationship) and he's alone not succeeding at work. I now have a man who goes out of his way to make me happy. He derives joy from making me happy it motivates him to be better. Instead of dead weight I have a partner who wants to grow and succeed and sees my strengths and willingly follows me without letting his ego get involved. I've never been happier and the fact I know I can speak my mind and he sits and listens and internalizes. Can never go back to bare minimum
My fella butters my roll every time we go to a specific restaurant. He did it for me once, and instead of cutting it open and spreading butter on it, he created a hole (we now call it a butter pocket) and filled it with butter. It was SO much better. Now he does it every time, because he knows I love it. Could I do it? Sure, but it's a lil thing we laugh about. He's the best!
Awwww ❤❤❤❤
I mean, the butter they provide at restaurants usually doesn't change shape unless industrial tools are put to action so one must adapt. Caring and creative, you got a nice one.
"Dating is observation, not rehab. Stop being attached to the outcomes." Absolute gold.
“He is not dumb, he just hates you” should be on a tshirt love it! & also dating is not a rehab!
The golden rule is: If they wanted to they would. Period. The end. Because if you push long enough then you will aaaaalways find that they are absolutely aware of how shitty their behavior is. They're just lazy and disrespectful and testing what they can get away with. And that is true for all kinds of garbage people, not just some men. Ps: All women in my family are like that. 'Look at yourself first. Maybe they have a difficult life. Yada yada' The amount of damage that did to me. Holy hell.
"Dating is observation, not rehab." - Preach!
It's such a good strategy. Never demand anything, just observe what he is willing to do and give. I like to observe in the courtship phase and then latr when a man is more relaxed and feels safe. I won't nag or demand better treatment. I just observe (to the point of even dealing with mistreatment until I can safely get out of the situation), then draw a conclusion and then decide whether he is worth further notice or not.
This is very valuable advice
Guy here, I have a question.
I am someone who really wants to be the best partner I can be, but I have been dumped a few times because I didn't do enough for her in the relationship. I try to amend this by asking what her needs are (because every woman is unique with unique standards and needs) but every time I asked she would smile and reassure me that I was doing great and to keep doing what I was doing.
What are yall's thoughts on how I should amend this going forward?
My spouse left during his favorite teams football game to go get me cheese because I ran out and I was crying and hungry. I didn’t ask or even hint at it. I just couldn’t figure out what to eat and he went with no complaints, no questions. Get yourself someone who takes care of you when you are struggling to care for yourself ❤ and do the same thing for them.
Pumpkin guy does NOT deserve a Woman in his life. 😂 “marriage” comment was a last breath of my respect to him. 😢
Is he dumb to not understand that it was easier to just get the canned pumpkin even if it was extra.
Literally. One has to be intentionally trying to create tension and problems for that to happen. And then to post it online for other men to bad mouth his wife? Fatherless behavior
If you give me a grocery list, I'll just buy what's on the list, without even wondering you might have forgotten something, because I trust you to know what you need.
(But I might go back to the store, if you don't get mad at me because YOU forgot to ask something)
It's not weaponized incompetence, it's just social awkwardness... 😂
Izod-sweatshirt lady nails it - men see us as interchangeable agents of "game", and therefore disposable. Sort of like opponents in a video game where you learn some moves every time a woman leaves you, but eventually you move up to another level.
I said this to a friend. Imagine all our exes. If they were somehow "not that bad", it was because some women (mothers, sisters, exes) did some work on them, taught them, they parasited the women in their lived before.
And they left our relationships after learning something too.
We are done teaching, building, etc. It's time for them to figure it out by themselves.
@@rachelforshee6014at least we don't normally start out by scoping for what we can extract from them. XYs usually gauge that first and expect each other to, like it's how it should be. Most are parasitic.
@@rachelforshee6014 I won't act as if I haven't learnt anything from my exes. They definitely helped me to understand that relationships are not for me. And I'm grateful for that.
2:43 this is so pathetic and stingy. Get the pumpkin thing. Throw it out if you don’t use it, eat it straight from the can, make an extra pie. And they say women are dramatic…
my man who is 100% in tune with his masculine energy loves to do all these orange peel tasks for me. he likes to cut up my food and feed me like a greek queen. "i know you can do it perfectly on your own, but if you dont feel like/want to you shouldnt have to." at first it felt weird but after a while i loved it lol.
I think that art and pop culture has perpetuated the idea that women are an acceptable loss and collateral damage for men's journeys to a disgusting degree. There's a whole trope about this, fridging fenale characters for requisite man pain. When the overculture keeps reinforcing that women are innately worth less than men, where our pain is just a plot point, a lot of men will keep internalizing that it's okay to dehumanize us.
ETA: When it comes to consideration and thoughtfulness, I hold any potential relationship to the standard I set for myself that one of my first boyfriends lived up to perfectly. Before our first daye he asked me if I had any food allergies or sensitivities, which I do, and pucked a restaurant where the risk to me was minimal, which my own family won't do most of the time. He brought me roses on the first daye and picked red because he hadn't asked what my favorites were and wanted to still be sweet, which was perfect because I love red roses and still have those roses pressed into a book. He brought a little plush Dalek on out next daye because I'd mentioned I was getting into Doctor Who and showed he apprecated and listemed to me in so many little and big ways throughout our relationship. The only reason we split was because we didn't want the sane future. He wanted kids and I didn't and it was very amicable. Last I heard he was happily married and has kids now and I'm so happy for him.
So, yeah, if someone can't be bothered to even try to be half as sweet and considerate as that, I have no time for them.
My boyfriend spoils me so I spoil him back. It’s about reciprocating what’s fair and loving
exactly, life isn't supposed to be easier for everyone without us!
isn't that the whole point of life?
to be part of a community that appreciates us?
I’ve never been in a truly healthy relationship and I prefer being alone over being the sole emotionally intelligent person in a relationship. I treat my partners as kings and expect nothing less in return but haven’t had the voice or backbone to actually demand equal treatment, in the one relationship where I actually stood up for myself I was physically beaten into submission as thanks.
I am emotionally mature and know exactly how and why their treatment is not up to par, but I also know that trying to educate grown ass men on their flaws will only teach them how to better hide their true self in their next relationship and I would be doing a disservice to the women with the misfortune of being entangled with these human sized turds in the future.
I want them to continue having their red flags proudly flapping in the open wind so other women know to steer clear.
I will happily live my best life as a single queen until a man can show me he’s worth my time. If I die single I’ll know I’ll die happy as the best version of myself.
No more compromises from this girlie.
Amen 🙌
@@Joshuwiii why?
I actually DO think some people are just stupid even though some are pretending to be stupid when they are actually mallicious. But whether they are stupid OR malicious, I am NOT throwing my lot in with them. I have worked hard to get to where I am. I am not short changing myself by settling in any way. Nope. Not doing that. So the whys and wherefores of why someone just doesn't make the cut are completely IRRELEVANT to me. Highly educated, financially FREE, not just independent, woman here living the FREE and SOFT life here exploring the world on my own terms.
Healing is such a wonky process! I have come so far in recent years (and even months) but I still don't know what to call this thing my mind does. Even when I see good men enthusiastically doting on their women, I struggle to 100% believe that men actually want to do things for women... Like that they genuinely love to love and aren't pretending and will eventually resent her for it. Idk if it's an oldest-daughterism or what, but the idea of me requiring anything from men still spikes my anxiety every now and then. I have a long way to go but the time will pass anyway... Thank u, Elle!
My husband has come into the restroom and gotten me toilet paper out of the cabinet under the sink right next to the toilet I am sitting on and have just pooped in, just so I didnt have to move and didnt give me any issue about it, what that girls ex did to her was abusive!
This! I will also add that this applies to all relationships including parents! I mean how many times will I experience indifference from my own parents, especially from my mother? Like seriously this notion about caring for what others think begins at home!!
Also, isn't consideration an act of service? One more reason why Eldest daughter syndrome looks out for considerate people.
Yeah, always trying to be good enough, because its instinct to look for safety. Talk, about teaching pattern of men, through inflicted damage to women, and moving on to repeat with less stressed woman, because all women are non human...hits so hard.
This. Then, they get older and find it weird that you don't have it in you to "take care of them".
My mom told me that she was scared that I wouldn't be there for her if anything happened. Yeah, mother. I have learnt to take care of myself, by myself.
So... I don't know, don't test me.
My relationship is not perfect, nor do I purport it to be, but my husband has shown himself as trying to be a partner and someone who tries to support me when I'm not able to do so myself, and in turn I support him when he needs additional support. I've dealt with major illness and he was by my side (driving several hours every weekend to spend time with me when I was in the hospital for a few months). He tells me he appreciates the things I do to keep our household running often and unprompted. Our relationship is not one that is full of grand, romantic gestures, and for many people who look at our relationship, they may think we are "boring" because we don't do a whole lot, rarely go out, often spend time at home, have disparate hobbies, etc., but I love and appreciate the fact that I have a partner who is willing to care about me enough to help me with chores when he gets home from work, or accompany me to fairs for my hobbies even if he's not interested in the thing himself, or whatever.
My covert narc ex would totally peel the orange for me. He would use any service he ever provided as ammo to accuse me of being ungrateful if i ever called him out on any exploitation or gaslighting etc etc. I dont think there is a good test. Just keep your intuition up and recognize the feeling when you are being manipulated. Sometimes those butterflies are manipulation.
It's all in the expression. If they're grinning or their smile is a little too manufactured, run. If they're smiling genuinely, just a little, keep watching.
The covert narc will peel the orange 🍊 for you on Tuesday, then cheat on you on Wednesday.
i remember i was talking to a friend and i say all the things i would like from my partner, things like romance, doing tasks without me having to remind him, have team work (yes the bare minimum of course) and she said "you´re asking to much" no, i do all of those things on my own already, i am too much for him
My ex literally made me cry because of how incompetent he was. The kicker? He did it both because he turned out to be that stupid and because he was that inconsiderate.
We were at my place and he was staying for the week. He had already done a few things that were childish and he knew I was annoyed, which was really sad because we had been laughing at how typical men can't even deal with life without a women mothering them, but it turned out he was talking out his ass just because he could cook a couple decent meals. The incident which broke me was when I went to shower and told him to change the bedsheets. I thought about telling him to change the pillowcases too, but I thought that would be absolutely ridiculous and an insult to his intelligence, so I didn't. And guess what happened when I came out of the shower. He had put the bedsheets on very obviously inside out (mind you he wasn't 12 but in his mid 20s) and hadn't changed the pillowcases. His reasoning? I didn't tell him to. I pointed to the pillowcase with literal huge bloodstains on it from where my sick cat had been lying (rip Amy) which he had placed bloodstain up on the bed, and all he could say was sorry. I literally felt like he had been doing this to spite me. He swore up and down that he didn't, but it seemed like a big joke to me and I started crying (mind you this was far from the first thing in just a couple days, for example one of the many others was him throwing an empty cheese wrapper on top of the drying plates and forgetting it there). He did quite a few despicable things too that hurt me directly that I don't want to get into, all because he was (and will probably always be) that in love with others pitying him and feeling like he can't do a single thing right.
I see both women and men having valid problems while dating, but the minefield that is dating guys cannot compare. I see what it's like for lesbians, I've experienced what it's like for bisexuals, and I've seen the complete aggressive heterosexual male ignorance to all of it. Nothing I've experienced with women has been like the disappointment men provide. Even those who aren't anywhere near your average Joe.
Nothing compares.
I just wanna gently point out that y'all were laughing about men needing to be mothered and then you were mothering him by telling him to change bedsheets and getting mad about a cheese wrapper, idk
Yeah true … but maybe she meant it in a way to help?
For example i was cooking, and doing laundry, I asked him to put the washed stuff in the dryer and start the new load that I already separated… this dope turned it on put the soap and dirty clothes and never closed the lid -_-
Just the lack
Of common sense man
Getting someone a roll of toilet paper has got to be the simplest, easiest favor you could do for someone, wtf 🙄
Unrelated to men, but I haven't talked to my parents in years since they wouldn't even let me do laundry at their house.
I've been independent from them since I was 18 and joined the Army (I'm 35 now), and I have Never asked for money or Anything at all, so when I moved into a temporary place I didn't wanna deal with buying and setting up a W/D on the 2nd floor for just a handful of months, and living alone I only needed to do laundry like 2 or 3 times a month.
So, when they said no and suggested there are laundry mats in town, it really, really hurt. 😶 I know it sounds silly, but I just felt left out in the cold during a blizzard, and I was basically asking for nothing from them.
Like, I wasn't asking them to do my laundry, I've done my own since I was a young teen...I just wanted to use their machines for a temporary period of time before I moved across the country from Montana to South Carolina by myself.
It's weird to think our relationship dissolved over laundry, but I didn't know how to be around them when they couldn't do me the slightest, slightest favor.
Like yea, I'll come over and have dinner to hangout etc. and then scoot off to the laundry mat with my bags, baskets, and roll of quarters while sketchy, creepy dudes stare at me. I'm 5'2", 112lbs. Thanks a lot "Mom and Dad" 🥺 But it's kinda in keeping since they kicked me out at 18 for no reason whatsoever. I was a good kid.
"Now she has to go to the store herself"...Wait, isn't she the one cooking? If so, I think it seems fair that he takes Charge of the Shopping, it's no big deal
So I have this story about literally my first date ever...
I was like 17. We went out and I was shy but mostly because he was so generous to me. I wasn't used to get gifts especially in an unconditional way. I always thought that I owed something in exchange to the other person if they paid for things. He paid for almost everything except at the restaurant when I forced him to do 50/50 and yet he paid a little more (I realize that I wasn't yet embracing my feminine energy at this time of my life). And I saw this video and it just reminded me that since birth. When my dad did something for me to help it was always with something in return or when he didn't really have a choice to take care of me or provide for me (that kinda hurts). He was never considerate in an unconditional and compassionate way and it led me for a long time to accept even a little less than the bare minimum. Now I grief the opportunities I have missed even thought I didn't know better. Definitely wished I was more receiving to acts of service and gifts.
The overly generous woman never wins. I started embracing receiving more in the present and for the futur as well.
The toilet paper guy is a psychopath! Imagine, some poor woman might have a kid with him!
The lists and maps and labour for basic needs and concepts omg…. Can’t believe how dismissed some of us have been. And yet this has made girl friendships so much more valuable because most of us have gone through this teacher experience❤️
The toilet paper story is CRAZY
Sad thing is I've heard of and experienced crazier. Honestly, it probably didn't begin there, since he had already told her there's no toilet paper and then got super annoyed she asked for a roll anyway so that's why he said no, and maybe in the least yikes case possible she had been doing stuff like that for a while, but even all that in consideration, it's still absolutely awful. Beyond vile. At most it calls for him going up there with a roll of toilet paper and jokingly teasing her with it for a few moments so she remembers it, not punishing her out of childish frustration to punish her.
My best friend , I repeat, my best friend not even boyfriend bought me a sunflower necklace. Because the first time we met in college I accidentally said I love sunflower. I said that ONCE in my lifetime to him and after 6 months he bought me that necklace. Men Don't NEED constant begging if they care about you.
Lol, my current partner knew about the orange peel theory before I did. We were in the car one time, me driving, she asked something about her drink (I don't remember the question now) and on instinct I opened it and handed it to her without really thinking about it which was more then her question. She was surprised as she wasn't even asking all that of me since I was driver but I still did so for her benefit. Now, this wasn't a test but it made her think of the orange peel theory and made her happy. Since I didn't know at the time, she explained it. It makes me happy to know I naturally pass consideration tests ☺️
Other people's character development is not my task 👏👏👏
When I saw the title of the video I smiled cuz I realised he does it for me. Ofc while making fun of me for not being able to do it myself (he knows I can, but our relationship is based on banter after getting together after 4,5 years of close friendship). I'm blessed and grateful to have him 💌💕
a note about hanlon’s razor: it’s not about giving someone a pass for their ignorance, rather, about not taking it personally.
if someone doesn’t treat you how you want, it’s likely harm wasn’t the intention, but that doesn’t mean harm wasn’t the outcome. so instead of feeling betrayed and letting it consume your mental, just walk away! being around stupid people who hurt you in their stupidity isn’t worth it
like we always say, “don’t get mad, get paid” hanlon’s razor is just another perspective that helps us not get mad, and continue getting paid :)
Ok, the orange thing, idk 😭 because people would do this to me, asking for small but pointless favors consistently, not even asking politely, and I would still do these small favors because I was still learning how to learn how to say no. I have boundaries now. I say this as a woman, so I know the situation is different for men.
Be careful that the man always agreeing is a genuine and secure man, not someone who does it begrudgingly. On top of that, don’t take advantage of men who don’t have a backbone. They are not the long term partners you want
You explained perfectly what I personally went through; he's not dumb, he just hates you. I went through a relationship for years knowing this deep down and chucked it down to my partner just being ignorant. I felt like I was not extending grace by having expectations. This validates the fact that the relationship inherently made him a better person
and partner. In hindsight, the lessons I learnt will make me wiser in my future relationships and I would rather wait till I get an accountable and compassionate partner than one that I just become character development for. I, like many other spoiled girlie, are not giving trees.
exposing myself rn but I recently cheated on my ex and I’ve felt terrible about it because no one deserves that but with talking to my friends and getting in touch with my feelings it was because he was constantly failing me in the simplest ways, choosing his friends over me, not showing up for me in ways he did in the beginning, and just constantly letting me down so when I felt heard by someone I emotionally cheated with him and this video really drives home that he really did hate me but didn’t want to end the relationship. quite literally when I broke up with him he said he saw it coming and I’m just over here like “if you saw it coming, why didn’t you talk to me, why didn’t you try to do better ????” I had actually made the decision to try harder with him before I cheated and knew I had to leave after it happened. Like I’m a villain but it hurts to really hear this cause it resonates so much
that being said I did love him and I have been wanting to get back with him cause we were together for 2 years - anyway sorry for the trauma dump
I had an ex who was the same way. He hated me because he felt like I was too good for him and constantly tried to undermine me, and even when I cried he kept going. One time he told me he knew I'd eventually leave him and was enjoying the time he had with me, and ironically this kind of insecurity was why I broke up with him. Looking back on it now I realize he didn't hate me nearly as much as he hated himself. He did apologize to me months after we broke up since we had the same friend group, possibly knowing what he did, but it didn't matter. I thought it would, it didn't. It's best to simply avoid anyone who displays any kind of red flag. It's better to be alone than to chisel at your ability to form bonds because of trauma others will put onto you.
I’m ngl. You shouldn’t have cheated - that was a shitty thing to do and nothing will take away from that. HOWEVER, it’s good that you realised that your ex hated you and left him after this. I’m sorry, it sounds like either way, the outcome was going to be messy. But at least now you can take some time to recover and go over the warning signs so it doesn’t have to come to this if, god forbid, you get into this kind of dynamic again.
I have to agree with everything Carmy ☝🏻 said.
You already know you should have handled that differently and regret it and all that, and what’s done is done. If applicable, try to move past any guilt and shame and work to NOT have that dynamic in your future relationships.
In an otherwise reasonably mature, monogamous relationship, cheating rarely ever happens just on a whim for no reason (ok, EXCEPTING the inexperienced, inconsiderate, immature, selfish, etc. player types- nuance and all that!)
There are usually deep rooted issues at that point that have not been communicated for some length of time.
I’m not excusing the behavior, but when you examine the why’s, It’s obvious you had a dynamic going that wasn’t good for you, and it resulted in (presumably) your actions not being aligned with your higher self and ideals. Definitely spend some time sorting this out and cultivating love, respect, compassion, kindness, and forgiveness for yourself so, just for one thing, you don’t enter future relationships in cycles of shame, which ultimately just results in more of the same hurtful behaviors in ourselves that cause it to begin with. And therefore, attracting the same behaviors and attitudes in others towards us. And by hurtful, I’m talking as much about how our behaviors hurt ourselves as well as others. The relationship we have with ourselves will often be reflected in the relationships we have with others. Choose how you treat yourself wisely.
Find your worth and self respect and align yourself with it so you attract others that will see it as well.
You say you want to get back with him because you were together for two years? Obviously I know it’s more complicated than that- but you might want to unpack and critically exam this, sis. Truly- why do you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you and didn’t show you love and care in the way you need? Who didn’t know their own self-worth, therefore acted accordingly? Who didn’t do better when they felt you slipping away? Who didn’t bring out the best in you? Who left your heart yearning? These things led to you seeking elsewhere- (not putting the blame on him for that specifically and you know you are accountable for that, but he’s to be accountable for his part as well, because his actions played a part in pushing you away)
Are you carrying guilt and engaging in some type of self-punishment? Are you trying to somehow make amends for your past or thinking you can change his behavior if you can change yours? If so, you can’t- he was showing you the signs and the dynamic was set well before you made that particular very human mistake.
Seriously- is the version of yourself you were with him the one you want to nurture and cultivate? You strayed for a reason- and that’s because you had a heart yearning for something you were NOT getting from him. Do you think you aren’t worth the love you desire? Because you are. Act like it 😉💖
Again, not excusing anything, but it’s important to examine why and to compassionately explore the reasons so you can transmute that experience into wisdom that will help you evolve into the person aligned with the life and love you truly desire and deserve.
Not trying to psychoanalyze or anything, and I don’t mean to sound presumptuous or disrespectful or anything like that. I’ve just made my own past mistakes and had a horrible relationship with myself, and I just want to help. I hope you figure things out and that you grow and thrive 💖
Edited for clarity
He would have cheated first ngl. It seems like he was just keeping you around cus there was no one else, same thing has happened to me. Once you feel like you’re only their choice of entertainment when there’s no one else you need to leaveee.
I’m inspired by my parents to find love. My mom is the breadwinner in our family but my dad is very considerate. For example, he knows she doesn’t like driving so he drives her to and from work everyday. He also drives me and my sister to and from work and school. He always knows when I don’t want to do my chore of the day and does it for me. He goes out of his way to make it up to me when I’m upset at him. With my mom, my dad listens to her every suggestion. He renovates our house exactly as she wants even if she changes her mind weeks later, picked up a part time job when we had visitors staying over indefinitely, and makes sure to consult her with everything. Even small things, rubbing her feet or bringing her more wine when they’re sitting on the same couch, he really does show every day that he loves her and his daughters too
Sorry if this is rambling but Elle is really inspiring me 😂
I think this is really important. My partner is disabled, and while he has a job, it's been hard for him to find a job that he really enjoys. Anyway, even though neither of us make tons of money - he saved up to take me to San Diego to propose. Like if he loves you he will be considerate to you in any way that he can - and he will make you feel loved in any way he can. He has bought me art supplies because I teach art, and I like frogs and he has bought me silly little frog things. ACTUALLY WHEN I'M BROKE, he makes sure to get me food or will pay for my coffees. I drive, again, because he's BLIND, but he pays for gas and gets me little treats. because he had to be so independent he is really really really good at saving money too, in ways that I'm not - like we opened an account to go back to San Diego and I wanted to add to it - there's already like $1000 in the account i dont know how he does it.
I grew up in a farm in a really traditional way, my dad worked and my mom stayed home. That's definitely not the exact path I want, I think I'll always want a job, but it's more about the love that my dad had for my mom. He got her 180 acres of land, and again, he's not a rich man. If they want to they will, they will find any way to do it.
The point is it doesn't have to be that whole "traditional wife" path that's taking off, when you're really really in love it doesn't totally matter what "roles" each partner takes as long as there's deep love and consideration.
For how young you are, you are incredibly smart and wisdomed!❤️❤️❤️ I’m 43 and just now learning about all these things after being hurt so so many times by men, by my (ex) husband of 17 years. Thank you so much for this and all your other videos please keep sharing and teaching about malicious men who take advantage of us🙏❤️
Obsessed with your channel 💕. Truly life-changing.
I have 2 bfs (poly) and they have made me feel so seen and loved.
I get migraines very often, to the point where I'm bedridden at times. These two men have taken turns bathing me, helping me get dressed, tucking me in bed, bringing me soup (bc they know I can't stomach much solids with nausea), water, and painkillers.
I have seen them RUN to get me painkillers when the ones I have run out and I'm crying from the pain.
Never have they made me feel like being sick is an inconvenience to them.
If your bf gets "grossed out" at the mere mention of you needing more tampons, that's not a relationship you should be in.
Oh my god thats so sweet 😭😭😭
I think we should give people grace - as in be understanding and kind. It doesn't mean we have to tolerate bad behaviour and let it repeat forever. Even if a person is a little dumb and doesn't mean harm, they will correct their behaviour once called out. Malicious people won't. They will keep doing the thing and claim "they don't mean to, they're just a lil stupiiiid and you should just let it sliiideee! "
I wish these videos existed when I was in my early 20s. I dated a man for 3 years who refused to work, took all my money, went out to bars every night while I slept for work at 6am the next day and when I asked him for flowers bc he stopped doing them after we became official we either fought about how expensive they are when he just bought himself some Nikes w my money, or one time he took my debit card went to the store and came back with the most basic flowers and threw them and my debit card at me and said “here’s your damn flowers are you happy now?” And I thought that was normal, I thought I just wasn’t a good enough girlfriend back then.
Glad we have this to watch now. I'm in my 50s and my mom is in her 70s and we both watch together and wish we had this kind of validation and the language to verbalize when we were in our 20s as well, ESPECIALLY for her as she seemed to choose the same man, different name every time. The gaslighting was far worse back then when we didn't even know what it was and men had ways of pitting women against each other so we wouldn't even communicate with each other to compare notes and recognize the oppression. We all thought it was just us. So crazy that we can get so beat down we think that is just how it is, that it's just how love is.
I hope you know it was never about your worth and that you're in a better situation now where you're appreciated, cherished, and spoiled, even if it's you doin' that for yourself.
This all makes me incredibly grateful that the weird avoidant “bad boy” types I used to like in college never liked me enough to date me, and couldn’t take it when I told them directly that I liked them, because who knows if this would have been my fate 10 years later.
I remember having a really bad day when I was attending a comic con with my ex and I was upset the whole time and he didn’t bother to comfort me. We were with a friend so I tried to pretend to be happy and put a smile on my face thinking I won’t be dramatic. After the even ended, when we were having lunch together, he asked me what the matter was and I got emotional feeling super sad and exhausted after pretending to be alright throughout the event. He just stared at me and insinuated that I was doing “drama” and making a scene. I was stumped. Days after he admitted that he didn’t want to get into my issues because “he didn’t want to ruin his day”. That incident broke me as a person.
I been saying “generous” but CONSIDERATION is the word I never knew I meant. Some who just goes above and beyond without you having to ask! Not even every time, but enough! Most are just so low effort.
“Not every time, but enough…”
💯
Yes. That was the concept that gave me clarity. I always felt not seen by the guy. I'm not a pizza fan. He buys all kinds of meals for himself, but when he says he's bringing me dinner, he brings generic pizza. I realize he stopped at a strip mall that has my favorite takeout chicken. He didn't think to get it. I support his band by buying tickets to their gigs. They're small-time affairs. He doesn't think to text me that a gig is starting late or it's a BYOB. He never socializes with me at the gigs, it's as if he doesn't see me at all. The one time he came to talk to me at a gig, he was c8ckblocking. Another man was chatting me up, he engaged the man and led him away to "talk business". When I later pointed that out, he said he didn't remember.
And though I stopped bonking him years ago, he's still dealing out slights.
Still not entirely over a man who i had a connection with but he disrespected me and triangulated me with his past flames on the first date even!! So i reallly needed this sis 😭 i blocked his ass but it’s hard to get rid of lingering thoughts esp since it’s hard to find good men who I can be attracted to
I'm in the same boat right now, bestie. Stay strong! This too shall pass. I am confident that we can and will all find good men who will treat us like they should. ❤
@@fallingfish1084 thank you bestiee 🥹 yes only the best of the best deserve access to us esp our affections!! They gotta come READY for us from the start
Literally me rn. Don't worry, we do get through this. We deserve better, we do heal ❤️🩹
I went on a date with a guy who was really nice but on the second date we went out to a paint bar. It was fun but afterwards I was starving. I told him I was hungry but he wanted to go shopping. We went shopping but after 15 minutes I nicely asked if we can go get something to eat. After the third time I insisted 😡 I refused the next date.
If a guy won't listen to your needs to feed you then he's not thinking about your feelings. He was so upset that I refused his next date.
Teaching men to apologize. You have to treat them like a child. I apologize for things I've done by accident and then I have to point out that I've apologized. Then when they do something bad I have to tell them, "why don't you apologize? I apologize when I do something? Why don't you care enough about me to apologize?"
Then you just have to keep repeating this pattern until they learn to apologize and prioritize their relationship with you rather than their own pride.
Girl at 5:28 is so wise with how she describes this equity in relationships.
7:06 - And talking about the need for repair:
"The red flag of failure to repair. The redder flag of failure to repair the failure to repair."
The need for empathy, for an apology (with intent to not cause the same harm again), is soo important & such a necessary component.
Oh, and the weird need to not be a threat to a man's ego at the end, yeah yikes.
I've been binging your videos lately. You're helping me realize how truly lucky I am to have the husband I do. He's not perfect (nobody is), but he always prioritizes me. He always makes sure I know I'm his priority.
YESSS ELLE RAY I WAS PRAYING FOR YOU TO UPLOAD
13:01 that poop story makes me want to cry like actually my eyes are watering. That’s so humiliating and mean.
It is the little things . Pay attention to his actions . ❤ Thanks for sharing ❤