Parenting teens:We're making it harder than it needs to be | Dr. Cameron Caswell | TEDxDeerParkWomen
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.ย. 2024
- Parenting teens is difficult. Or is it? Dr. Cam, the "teen translator" urges parents to try another perspective that may just bring more peace and harmony to parents and their teenagers.
Dr. Cam is an adolescent psychologist, family success coach, teen translator, and the author and host of “Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam” podcast. She is on a mission to help parents build strong, positive relationships with their teens through improved communication, connection, and understanding using her PRIME Parenting Method. In a fun, interactive style, Dr. Cam unpacks frustrating adolescent behavior and empowers parents to work with their teen's wiring rather than against it-boosting the development of a positive, healthy sense of self, rather than unwittingly eroding it. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
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I feel like I can’t be any MORE supportive and caring and understanding of my teen daughter and my kids but in the end I’m still the bad guy and the reason for everything that goes wrong in their lives. No matter what approach I take, it’s wrong according to my teens. So all I do is all I can do which is continue to support and show them love and when they screw up they have consequences to their behavior. I’m not into all that screaming and yelling and trying to control my kids either. But I do discipline and it just doesn’t seem like anything works. Next step is to go to therapy and allow her a safe space to communicate with the Dr about her feelings and medication for anxiety. Praying 🙏 😊❤
Co dependency if u learn about it it will help. Read co dependency no more by meleny bedie.
Exactly, I don’t know what this woman is talking about!!
@@sandraperez8903 Not exactly. How long did you do that for? If you are already in bad straits it's going to be a while before the kid really wants to turn it around. Let go of your ego and think of your child as their own person, not your thing to control that needs to act how you want on your time. Do you talk to your children about their day to day lives or do you only talk to them when you're complaining/giving orders?
@@FLaSHFReeeZwhat are you talking about?
Me: How can I help?
My son: I don’t know.
My daughter: I don’t want your help.
Um, I ask my child how I can help. I am an in-house concierge. We need to break the toxic cycle of the CULTURE blaming the mother for everything that goes wrong.
What planet are you living on where Dad isn’t the bad guy?😂
I agree
It is the mother's fault
@@certifiedmusiic 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 your father must not be in your life
In therapy, I learned how & why to UNDERSTAND what went wrong in our family & how to fix what is wrong in my current life and NOT TO BLAME anyone because BLAMING usually doesn't help. What is your definition of blame?
Children watch their parents. I sometimes catch my son just watching me through certain interactions and sometimes just stares at me. Our children are seeking guidance and role models. If you are not being the right one for them they will look elsewhere for guidance. Children are a reflection of their parents. If you do better for yourself in terms of discipline, the choices you make, the activities you partake in. They will follow.
These teens have it made cause the parents take all the blame an accountability 😢
Soooooo WISE and helpful and healing ❤ Thank You from all my heart! What You told resonated with my heart for 100%
This vidro literallly removes all accountability from the teen and puts it on the parent or external issue. Might work every one in a while bit consistantly using this approach might get you raising a teen that will blame their problems on everyone or everything but themselves. Please help me understand if im wrong.
I don't share your judgment at all.
First she invites us to remember our own childhood and teen years, and to remember what we hated to hear. Thus she opens the room for empathising with our kids.
Then she says: we as parents are very judgmental and we seem to concentrate on negatives. This is a distortion of reality. Try to see the positives, too (Reds AND yellows).
Third advise: try to empathise with the confusion our kids feel.
Forth: be aware that all your negative comments, your sighs, your frowning, your discipling will be internalized by your kid and transformed to a negative self-image. Help your kid to build up a strong sense of his/her self and abilities!
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@@karenannaluisa3370 You summed my message up beautifully. Thank you!
This woman needs to spend a week with my teen. Ignores everything I say. Tells me to move out on a weekly basis. Attacks her mother. Rude to teachers at school. Basically does what she wants
I think the woman assumes that you at least did a decent job parenting the child before his/her teenage years. Problematic behaviour can stack up after all. The video is just a general advice.
@ston3rftw I work with a lot of families with similar challenges. It's not easy, I know. I have experienced incredible positive change in teen behavior, however. Every time it starts with parents making tweaks to their approach first. It's possible.
Wow. This got me teary. It's tough already for our teens. The most they need is support and encouragement, not the opposite. I commit to being open-minded and letting her be and show up when she needs my help the most. Thanks for sharing this resource ma'am.
As a teenager I confirm this video I am a person who just tried best to improve and yeah this video is right just one thing I want to add if a teen has a mood swing just wait it out so it does not escalate and it stops now I hope your teenager enjoys me saying this
I don't think helping them in doing things they can perfectly do by themselves is of any help. I think a parent should teach new things that the teen has not learnt yet, be there and help when it's something new, but not when it's about something they perfectly know how to do. Teens are lazy and they always try to find someone who can do things for them. I will not help unless it's something they can't do because they never did it before. I always tell my teens that they are perfectly able to do whatever it is they have to do by themselves 90% of the time . I take nothing away, I don't punish. I just tell them that they will deal with the consequences of their acts. They must learn that they need nobody to face life because they have all the resources they need in them. The sooner they get there, the better for them. If you are always willing to help, they will unconsciously think that you don't believe they can make it on their own, that you believe they need your help otherwise they won't make. I think we should help the minimum possible, do that they can understand they are able , they need nobody and they can have a very high and strong self esteem.
Thank you for making a difference, Dr. Cam! Getting real with us makes it easier so we know it isn't just us and it helps to have simple ideas to make a change in our parenting. So good!
Thank you Donovan!
I love the positive approach you give Parents. I think our kids need room to grow, to be who they are. The skills to teach are so valuable! Even though my daughter is nine I apply the methods you teach and it works!! Thank you.
Doctor Cam, knows teens so well. Helpful!
The strategies are not just great for teens, I can easily find myself using them in my business, relationships and day-to-day life. Great job Dr. Cam.
You are absolutely right...they are rich for every person who desires a healthy relationship with another human being.
I've tried this with my 13 year old step daughter it doesn't work and I went to this video out of complete desperation because I thought maybe I was doing something wrong so I tried following along with this as a guide to try and understand where's she's coming from but she still refuses to do anything. She won't communicate she's not motivated to do anything. I approach her with kindness and patience I don't yell at her or make threats and she actually spit in my face. So I've learned this while watching this video there are just some things work and don't work you can only lead the horse to water but you can't force it to drink.
You speaking the real facts
Of course teens don't just appear out of a vacuum. They undergo several stages before that (baby, toddler, pre-teen). I think the video assumes that you did at least a decent job of parenting within those stages. If there is some sort of problem within those stages, it will catch up and eventually cause problematic consequences in their teenage years. The video assumes that the teens are not yet beyond obnoxious. And I believe your case have a more bolder and specific approach. Like seeking therapy for example. The video is just for general advice unfortunately and won't account for that.
This sort of disrespect would be a major red flag for me. You are not the first and not the only person who is educating your stepdaughter. Where is the father? Is someone modelling this kind of behaviour and whom is she repeating and imitating? Any disrepectful behaviour against you by someone else in the family?
The step daughter relationship might be part of the issue. You have no idea what her mom is saying about you.
@@justaway6901correct as a teenager I think if you fail to properly raise a child into being a teenager you need to fix the issue as it builds a bad relationship with you and the child so yeah
What an eye-opening talk Dr. Cam! My teenage daughter is now in her 30’s, but I had a lot of flashbacks listening to your talk. Everything you said made SO MUCH sense! Wish I could go back in time and apply some of your strategies! I’ll definitely share this talk with all my friend with teens!
I m trying so hard to create an structure but Ii m finding it really difficult to get my daughter to be responsible and independent. She is 13 and loves her
Mobile. We had a meeting and remember her the rules to get back from school, rest for an our, have lunch do the dishes and them complete her Kumon and homework. But she always need my remind to do her work and I confiscate her mobile. She throws a tuntroom Them I keep the phone away for some hours and she apologised but the situation repeats. I know I need to be more firm but it is so hard
Fantastic message Dr. Cam! I saw many faults of my own by watching your video.
Therapy taught me to FIND & then deal with my own faults as much as the faults of others. ❤
Me being a teen, but what if the child is actually wrong and refuses to listen? Genuine question
IMO, such a child has already been emotionally damaged by faulty parenting so the parent may need to LEARN HOW to help their child by learning better parenting skills or find out if the child has a genetic flaw. What is your solution?
Am a sad parent.I have been Soo close to my daughter she is 17years but recently she doesn't want to hear my advise,she says am pressurizing her.I have resulted to keeping quiet and praying for her.teens are something else
Thank you for all you do to support parents with teens!! Yes flashbacks. Shame. I have done it too and love how connection occurs with the offer of help can end the cycle of pain.
After some therapy, I asked my mom "Why did you & dad slap, whip & beat us boys so much?" She SMUGGLY said "Well, you deserved it!" I said "We deserved & needed help & love, not angry retaliation to make you & dad FEEL GOOD!" She had nothing more to say! My parents both had repressed, sadistic needs & impulses from their own traumatic childhoods with sadistic parents & found PLEASURE in hurting us boys as indirect justice for what their parents had done to them. It's all so obvious now!!!!
I understand very well where you are coming from.. And I want to tell you. I am sorry for the way your mom and dad treated you. You did NOT deserve this and neither did your brothers. I did not deserve it and neither did my brothers. To this day I am the only one from the family that says this and have been rejected and hated and even wrote out of the family will. But I have peace knowing friends like you see the truth. Never give up... We are the cycle breakers and chain breakers through the power of God almighty.. And the next generation will not experience what we did. Thank you for posting this. And I appreciate your honesty.
thank you!!!
What do you do with a teen who don't listen and don't trust you? Started from the other parent bad mouthing me.
Thank you! This really helped me.
Thank you so much!!! That was so helpful, encouraging, & eye opening!
I disagree my daughter was being groomed on Roblox. She had multiple social media accounts talking to strangers online. We had to take away her phone for her own safety. This is terrible 😢
beautiful talk, clear, concise, and engaging
Thanks so much for this video. It is going to help me better deal with my teenager!
Parenting is the hardest career on earth. When will our children learn to just do things willingly...
When you learn BETTER PARENTING SKILLS!
When the children are motivated to do it because they _want to_ and find _value_ in it.
Don't tweak your kid be the 'perfect kid', tweak your own behavior to best suit their needs and wellbeing. The kid will do things wrong and won't make the best decisions all the time, but guide them through kindness and explanation.
Communication is key. Don't punish the kid from being different from you. Try talking to a family therapist, it helps.
This is all coming from a teenager in therapy
I appreciate it as a teen.
So much wisdom! Yes, we have a choice. I can so relate to this talk. Belief, Assumptions and Approach, oh I needed this a few years ago. Thank you Dr. Cam!
I desperately need help with my pre-teen 😢 don’t know how to make her open up to me .
Thanks for this....really helpful...
Thank you so much ❤
This is enabling
Well what happens when they become adults and have to be penalties or disciplined for not following the rules?
This is nurtured heart
This is one of the best ted talks I have watched. It’s actually relevant to teens but also with how codependents behave with EVERYONE!
I found this because I wanted to connect with my little brother whos 13 years younger than me
This is such a great Ted Talk on parenting teens!!
I guess all this strategies and and methods only use in the United States culture. Back home in Asia a leather belt in a wooden stick can work really well. After we grew up, we don't resent our parents for doing so. We still honor and respect our parents.
Thank you ❤
Good strategies! However what can we as parents do when we ask how can i help? And just met wohr i dont know..or i dont need your help? What strategies to use when kiss are constantly using screen time or on phone example and their grades are failing? That was cknsequence in our house was to lose phone until late honework completed and grades were up. Constant battle.
Great talk Dr. Cam!!!
Some helpful tips and reflections
This isnt simple tho....what IS actually simple is human behavior. We reject the things that want us & we want the things that are out if our grasp. Nature follows this too because its a Universal Law.
Idk I’ve tried these things and it’s not making a difference at all
Excellent!
AWESOME video
oh my, great stuff
I always ask nicely first Always !!! There's consequences for actions in rhe real world.
This is some good stuff!!!
Your position as a step mother cannot refill her real mother , so her trust senses is not working neither for you nor for her. But you just say good words and if she comes to her senses, she will remember your words, just be brief not overdose , repeated words days and nights .
Ok but they’re still humans who need to eventually take accountability. There needs to be expectations at some point
This screams “make excuses for your kid”- they need to take ownership of their problem
Im sure your kids love you
Sorry I tried that with the room it never worked
This is bunk. No real help. I raised my dtr the best I could and I’m struggling with real issues nit a eye roll.
Me too I even asked nicely and talked nothing works
Enable them? Um… how about call them higher?
good movie is bronxs tale by the way the star in the movie that boy to man .. is today real life in jail some peopel just refuse to learn
I’m saying
This is worst advice ive ever heard. I cant believe google is recommend it. You are absolutely wrong
Wonder why do you think it is wrong?
Agree. I stoped at 4 minutes. My dtr isn’t spoiled. She’s had a hard life snd been beside me come what may now as a teen she’s making bad decisions. She’s strong mentally like an ox this is just lame. This is advice for an 8 year old.
@@arceliaocean1739most teens aren’t receptive to parents saying stuff like “how can I help” when the teen isn’t looking for it. They really just want to be left alone most times to find their own independence and identity. Parents often are annoying or frustrating to teens because teens still kind of need them, but they really don’t want the parents telling them what to do and not do. It easily becomes a real power struggle and battle of wills and priorities.
Snuggle puppy song
I'm speechless by this content. I recently came across something similar, and it was truly awe-inspiring. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
Love the concepts but the tone of voice and way you delver it is very difficult to listen to
How can I help son?
YOU CAN LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE WORST MOM IN THE WORLD!(Door slams)
Nothing works.
I'm sorry sis...parenting is the HARDEST job. And confrontation always speaks guilt to me. Regardless what they say I am learning. I need to be enough and not try to get anything emotionally from them.. I have identical twin 17 year old boys, a 15 and 13 year old boy. And my little lady is 11. Some days I wish I had a candle. I could burn that says mom's last nervous on fire.😂
I believe it is even harder coming from a very abusive narcissistic home.. I have gone through a lot of therapy and always wanted to be the best parent and ended up feeling like the worst because of the way they talk and fight back. I discovered teenagers the world around feel the same. Many times they will come back after the facts and tell me they know their behavior wasn't acceptable... I am grateful for that. But how in the world is a mom supposed to navigate right in the middle of hearing how they are feeling when I am feeling at my worst?
I am one that loves to give hugs since I did not grow up with them.. Many times I will ask Do you need a hug? And of course, many times they don't or they don't want to be touched which is okay, but it leaves me wondering. What can I do to interact and show love? It really touched my heart 1 day when one of them said no I don't need a hug but I can give you 1 if you need 1.❤ I can tell you are a good mum.. Believe it and receive it regardless. What anyone thinks Or says about you.. We are in this together and by God's grace, we can do it. For the longest time, I told God. I don't want to be in this job. 1 day very clearly he showed me. I was being stubborn like Moses. And I had a specific job to do and I need to step up. And he would put the strength within me and he would also send an Aaron along to help. That actually is my husband because I have very few others in my life. Coming from a very abusive home and speaking up. I discovered my brothers and in-laws. And parents did not appreciate it and wrote me off completely and did the smear campaign along with writing me out of the family will... So I have that aspect to deal with and work through the pain of rejection with my children. Sometimes they don't even know what they are feeling, I will pray for you. Those children are the perfect children for you and you are the perfect mother. I believe in you.
I wanted to listen but your condescending tone was too much to handle. Just speak normally.
I honestly think the teen years will be easier than the baby years..
Trust me. They’re not. I had no idea the teen years would be this difficult. I have a 17 year old, and he’s difficult. When he was a baby, toddler and young boy, he was so much more easier. What happens is they get into high school, and their peers have a huge influence on them. These influences are not always good.
The baby years are physically exhausting and time consuming. The teen years are mentally exhausting.
I've often wondered how a parent can effectively learn & use better parenting techniques WITHOUT FIRST repairing the trauma & mental damages from their own traumatic childhood? I'm not a parent, but it's glaringly obvious to me, after some 12 step emotional Recovery work, that I am still not qualified to be a healthy parent nor are many other adults. IMO, unaddressed & unhealed early trauma will not allow anyone to be a good parent regardless of training/education.
Absolutely!! 💯, I wish I knew that before having children.
Thank you❤
Great wisdom Dr. Cam!
Great strategies! Thank you for the reminders!
Brilliant! Thank you for all you do support parents with teens!!!
Thank you!