this makes so much sense. My ex husband was just like this. He prioritized everyone's else's validation of our relationship. He was dismissing of my approval. He would think I am faking my empathy and wont believe it. He was not jealous either.
Jacob and I go way back. Btw Jacob, not to call you out...but we both know you're probably watching this, maybe even on repeat, and reading the comments. So, Hi! I'm really excited for you, man.
Is it cliche to point out the obvious trajectory of a narcissist ending a therapeutic relationship claiming they need a new therapist who has a "more specialized approach", and now that his therapist knows who he is after 2 years, he that we could infer that he has actually moved on because "she is more trauma-focused" and he wants to get as far away from dealing with that as possible (i.e. dealing with the trauma at the core of his disorder)? Kudos to this man for admitting that he actually hangs on more in a relationship when he feels insecure in it. If she truly has AsPD, he definitely understands (on some level?) that she really does *not* need him, either, and that he needs her a lot more because of that. Good insight on his part (and he squirms around & gets real uncomfortable as he admits that, trying to fix his hair). My mother has NPD and she has often admitted to having a husband who needed her more than she needed him (and she meant emotionally, not financially).
Whilst I don't necessarily completely disagree with your observation in the first paragraph, I think it's also important to remember that it IS a common experience of people with disorders or conditions that ar less well known amongst psychologists/psychiatrists, or are even still classified in a way that doesn't reflect the academic consent on the issue, that a therapist misunderstands or misinterprets behaviours and feelings. Also, it is a reality that for most people one therapist or one therapy doesn't "solve" (for lack of a better word ) all issues a person has - and that can be due to either, the patient or the therapist. Being AuDHD with chronic pain caused by EDS and many other fun things, I can completely understand the wish for someone, who has experience with how my way of expressing (or masking) feelings and behaviours, or my motivation for behaviours, might differ from that of a neurotypical person. And I do believe this is also relevant for personality disorders. I unfortunately also know all too well how hard it is, to find therapists that are good regarding a specific topic AND have free places ... and of course that helps with avoidance ;)
Kind of like that one time Jordan Peterson needed to find the expert of all medical experts in fucking Russia of all places to help him with his addiction because there's no way a special most enlightened man like him would succumb to something as common as drug addiction 🙄
@@Sarah-with-an-H Is your comment to the OP or the commenter who replied above you? Curious because I don't see too many comments dissing her. I've been in the minority of not liking her much. She feels fake to me, in her presence so I can't even past that enough to listen to what she has to say.
This is a unique perspective because I’m not used to an NPD who actually has some view of his/her drivers and what the disorder entails. As it comes across as more BPD than NPD.
Rubbish, he showed no genuine regret or negative feelings or affect when describing the failures in his life or persons hes hurt deeply. You got sucked into superficial charm.. youre a good victim for people like this, you got yourself to blame for not being smarter and being a sucker. Of all these type of interviews, you rarely see emotion of sadness, regret, remorse on their face, theu describe it as matter of fact.. Im am ex cop detective and the main thing i always look for is genuine sorrow in a person, this you cannot fake. For this guy, he will not improve, likely get worse and more dangerous with age.
@@tdang9528 In my opinion, I somewhat disagree with your statement. I wouldn't say it doesn't make sense, but becoming dangerous or harming others (physically), committing crimes would not be correlated to his lack of remorse, when it comes to the certain things he did. There are people that do feel remorse and would be more dangerous. It's more about the environment, with certain experiences, with taught behaviors etc. From what I've observed, it's more like a stunted growth, when it comes to those that exhibit narcissistic traits, in general. They never individuate completely, their morality is based on taught rules, like children, let's say. We were taught to behave, for instance, as children, but didn't quite consider the reason behind it. For instance, in our country, there's a saying: "Hitting (your child) is part of the road to heaven!". Empathy can be, therefore, "bypassed", by education and culture. It's ok to hit your child... because you were taught this way. Those that do have empathy, will essentially become rebels, going against their education, because their child will matter more. Another example would be how someone treats their spouse. If you were taught that "getting" a man that owns a car is very important, that might be more important than what you're husband feels like. The moment your husband becomes sick, let's say, and is unable to drive anymore, you leave him or discard him. This doesn't mean you're breaking the law, but you don't feel any remorse, right? The role, your own and others' role matters more than how you and they feel like for those that have NPD, but also for some "normal" people and based on context. But, with narcissism, it's very pervasive, this is what narcissists were taught, the only thing they know. Empathy is based on experience. If no one cared for you, as an individual, for your needs, for your moods, feelings etc., as a child and you have no memory with those, you cannot care for others. This doesn't mean you'll become a criminal and it doesn't mean only criminals are narcissists, either. It just means that you'll be an asshole, many times. I would also say it might feel... uncomfortable for other people when interacting with them, because again, you don't matter, your assigned role does. They'll either kiss your ass for your superior role or demean you or try to "teach" you have you "must" be, but again, there's no human interaction or empathy... It's like having a the same relationship you have with a vacuum salesman, but with your father, instead. I don't think being empathetic is "natural" either, it's night like a physiological function. We all have lungs, hearts and kidneys and they do the same thing. Empathy is not... it's also taught, caring for someone actually means going against society sometimes. You'll care more about your children than your social image, if you care for them. You may even steal for them, even it's wrong... How can you not steal medicine, for instance, if your child is sick and you see no other way? Loving someone also implies going against your own immediate interests, at first hand. Your chances of survival may diminish when you care for others... We don't buy food for our children, so they become the next Elon Musk and push life forward... Narcissists kinda do... or again, its' more about their role. Good parents buy food for their children, but again... when a situation that goes against this "construct", they don't adapt. Your spelling matters more than your wellbeing, if they were taught by their own narcissistic parents the same way. We, as living beings, are formed out of our memories, what was done to us and what we did to others. When we harm others, we also harm ourselves, we keep the memory, be it with emotion or not. Associating emotions with events also insure establishing stronger memories, for most people. Thus, those that have less empathy, have a harder time forming memories with others. So, there's an emptiness there, instead of guilt or remorse. My point is that... it's more complex and varied, even if you make a strong point with the idea that certain people never change and there are criminals that have no remorse. It's hard to navigate through these things and I hope you stay safe and be well :) You don't need to shun this person, though, to see him as being evil, because you're also harming yourself, in the process. Even if he is what you say he is, you're becoming a little bit like him. So... don't :) You be you, keep being kind to yourself and others, even if it sometimes is very hard. You are allowed to keep your kindness, your values, your emotional wellbeing, even though some people you've had to interact with don't deserve your kindness. I also wanted to tell you that I've had a small conversation with him on Instagram, at one point. For me, it was healing. He's also struggling and... I was able to show him a little compassion, from what I was able to give him and he welcomed it. It felt good for me. To a certain extent, it doesn't matter if he "feels" nothing, in this context, because just answering to my message helped me form a happy memory. He was generous, I would say more than I was. He told he wasn't able to feel my emotions, but I was able to feel his. It goes both ways :) For me, he's not a bad person... at all... he has his youtube channel in which he talks about what he did wrong... he's putting himself in a vulnerable state, implicitly and we, his audience get to feel better about ourselves, again... implicitly. So... I don't know :) This is a form of kindness too :) He is capable of it and I would say this kindness is real and it matters and it sits outside his diagnosis.
It’s usually a cluster. Personality disorders seldomly come singular. In this case Cluster B. Within that a lot of believed symptomatic behavior seemingly oscillates btw various clusters ( of behavior). In many families where there is NPD ( this terminology is actually no longer used. It is now ASPD ) there is also BPD, sociopathy and variances and crossovers. ( possibly). In short the internet can hardly convey the complexity.
@@tdang9528 This s a 30-minute video. People who have made mistakes in life don't walk around publicly "repenting" for their past mistakes 24/7. Be realistic & go to therapy. I'd take a relationship with a self-aware mentally ill human than a "probably never worked on himself or done any introspective work a day in his life ex cop" any day.
Oh hooray, I'm so pleased to see a new video from you. I've been worried you'd stop making them. I'll watch this later. Things are very difficult at the moment. I hope videos will be more regular again.
We are trying trying trying. More to come. Thank you for the props, we always welcome the encouragement. And hoping your difficult moment moves into a more settled space. - R
Validation over real connection! When connection is not formed( attachment) they dont need to break it so its shallow staying together in some sort, cause no emotions involved, no intimacy. Cause thats what they fear attachment and crave it at the same time. Wonderful video… great questions asked.
Rebbie's face at minute 24:54 when he was talking about his first girlfriend hahahahhaha Thanks so much for making the video and showing us yet again why these people should be avoided at all costs. The whole thing is chilling.
@@user-px5sd2cn1o my ex gf did this before my birthday right into the pandemic :( makes me so validated to see people not put up with it cause I definitely felt like the whole world was against me for the longest time and too some degree they were 😂
Unless you have ever been in a relationship with someone who has NPD you will never be able to understand that they are not evil “chilling” monsters that do pre meditated, pre calculated terrible things to those that love them. Your comment just shows your lack of knowledge regarding NPD or any personality disorder for that matter. It’s not a choice for them, it’s not something they choose to do, they are wired that way, it’s pathological. If you educated yourself on NPD you would know the very reason they have it in the first place is predominantly because of some form of trauma they have suffered as a child in the emotional developing stages of childhood. It’s an ILLNESS, it baffles me how majority of society find it so easy to have sympathy, understanding and love for someone suffering from say cancer as an illness but fail to see people with not only NPD but any mental health condition/disorder as an ILLNESS. And no I do not have NPD but my wife does. I would rather she had cancer to be honest, mental illness is the most heartbreaking thing to ever have to go through with someone you love. I pray you and yours never have to experience it in your lifetime.
19:03 Bpd have more empathy for strangers then their “loved ones” He keeps showing more bpd traits that npd don’t have 28:23 He’s describing engulfment anxiety A bpd trait that causes them not to be able to have long term healthy romantic relationships
Thank you all for the engaging interview. I really appreciate Jacob's honesty. You don't have to meet the DSM diagnosis of NPD to seek refuge in perpetual motion. Our narcissistic culture reinforces the myth of "never enough," which keeps many of us constantly striving and consuming.
I can relate with Jacob discussing his relationship dynamic. My ex would cling on and I became more avoidant. I was very harsh and didn’t back down. It to me looked like my ex became more BPD presenting than NPD. I became very callous out of frustration and from abuse.
One of my favorite channels! Thanks for the interview! Im gonna follow this guy Jacob since I can relate to most of mental states he's describing. Narcissism is a spectrum and all people have some sort of narcissist traits (there is so called healthy narcissism).
Very grateful to Jacob for hus opennes. He does not hier behind lot of Theorie to avoid vulnerability. And very clear, very aware. Following and understanding here. Thanks
I’m starting to suspect my husband has NPD… I know everyone thinks that nowadays but our therapist first suggested it, his ex girlfriend and her therapist sister brought it up to me (we have become good friends). But the part that threw me off is he’s not jealous. So it’s interesting to hear Jacob doesn’t get jealous either!
TW: Mention of child SA in the replies to my comment I honestly think empathy is overrated as well as misunderstood a lot of the time. Firstly, the conflation of empathy with ethical behaviour is very clearly complete rubbish, otherwise the world wouldn't be the way it is. In fact, empathy can lead to rather unethical behaviour because it is "too hard to bear" seeing other people suffer, which encourages dehumanisation (e.g. studies have found that in the average person, looking at a homeless person activates the same part of the brain as looking at an inanimate object doe, and often they are treated as such). Secondly, what we understand to be empathical, is modelled on an average, neurotypical, white person that grew up in a western society. Empathy is created by being able to relate to others experiences - and strangely this concept is only ever applied in one direction. People inside, what is considered "the norm" in the Western world, demand all the empathy and understanding for all their actions but rarely manage to produce an empathical response to experiences that lie outside that norm. So from my view point as a person with AuDHD, EDS and other stuff, I have made the experience from a very young age that what I feel and experience is "wrong" or "untrue", when in fact what I experienced was a lack of empathy from people, who assumed everyone in ther world functions the same way they do. If I do tests, I supposedly have low empathy. Which I sometimes do - e.g. I cannot understand how anyone could feel sad about not being able to have children. But none of my friends with children can understand how it would be an absolute horror for me to ever get pregnant. So why are we talking about one lack of empathy, but not the other? I don't need to feel what another person is feeling, in order to be nice or supportive. I think in fact, that it would be super benificial for A LOT of people to be more open to the possibility, that someone may experience things differently to them without assigning it a place on a moral scale that has no foundation in a reality beyond their own.
@@user-lt4nm1iy3h mate I'll give you an example, where your lack of empathy potentially causes harm to any person reading this reply. Because dumping your or someone elses trauma onto a non-consenting person is pretty un-empathetic tbh, especially without a trigger warning. You have no idea what I, or other people potentially reading this, may have experienced in our lives and you can trigger trauma responses by dumping this kind of story onto a traumatised person. You clearly lack the experience of this happening to you (at least concerning this kind of info) and therefore apparently lack the empathy to not write this kind of response to a person you don't know ought about in a public forum. Whilst I don't quite understand, why what you are saying is opposed to what I said. All I said was, that a lack of empathy doesn't equate unethical behaviour and that empathy is informed by ones own experiences. And you have just proven my point.
@@user-lt4nm1iy3h It's so hilarious to me how you come onto a comment I made, trauma dumping info, and then gas-lighting me when I criticise your behaviour. That is really gross behaviour and I'd ask you to stop it. Literally I have no clue what you want from me. You want me to address a point you made? WHAT point did you make? And PLEASE make the point without more trauma dumping or I will simply block you. And just in case I didn't make myself clear: I am asking you here to respect my boundaries and if you don't I will enforce them. You didn't make any point regarding my comment, but I'll comment on it anyway as that is what you seem to be hoping for (little clue here for the future - if you want something from an autistic person, just say WHAT it is you want instead of writing some out of context story and hope the person will be able to guess what you're getting at). Nowhere have I said a lack of empathy CAN't lead to problematic behaviour. All I have said is, that 1. empathy is felt for those, whose experience we can relate to. As you have proven in your interaction with me twice now. You clearly cannot relate to my feeling uncomfortable or someone possibly feeling triggered by your trauma dumping. Instead you even feel treated unfairly by my pointing out to you, that this sort of information is inappropriate in this space and this form and you put me in the offending position supposedly "virtue signalling". HOWEVER eventhough you lack empathy for me in this particular moment, I don't assume you lack empathy alltogether. Just as I don't think your shitty behaviour towards me is caused by your lack of empathy in this situation. Rather, I would assume, it stems from a need to be understood and an embarressment from being called out by me. Just as I see absolutely no connection between low empathy and your cousins avoidance of addressing her trauma and shame. Those are completely unrelated issues, that of course can influence each other as anything in our psyche can. But avoidance is a survival strategy that the vast majority of trauma survivours will have employed at one point or another - no matter how high or low their empathy is. The other point I made was that low empathy isn't necessarily related to immoral or "bad" behaviour, just as moral or "good" behaviour isn't the logical conlusion to high empathy. Again, your story doesn't allow in any way to conclude that an immoral behaviour followed low empathy. All I read is a pretty standard behaviour in people with unresolved trauma. I also am not sure why you are so insistant on narcissists, as my comment purely addressed the part where Jacob spoke about his low empathy and I put in my two cents on that. Low empathy is something that CAN be experienced by a range of people. And trust me most of us, who have mental health issues, disorders or conditions have problematic behaviours that can affect people around us and especially ourselves pretty badly. But so do most people that are considered the norm - especially towards those of us who belong to the afore mentioned group. So yeah, still not sure if you understood the point I initially was making, but I hope I made myself clear now.
It has clear definitions of what is health in authoritarian regimes where it is used as an instrument of contol. In more free countries, nothing that causes you or others distress or harm can be considered pathological. E. G. Ordinary people see hearing voices as unhealthy, but in psychology nowadays it really depends primarily on the attitude the listener has to the voices. An example of the opposite is that under Franco, soicialism was seen as insanity and you could be lobotomised for being anti-fascist.
Actually child psychology is full of definitions of what healthy is and when it's not it's called pathology. Healthy is the baseline if you'd like and anything that is off the baseline on that Continuum is counter.
It sounds like that would be a tricky one, when you have narcissistic traits and you’re trying to improve, feeling proud of normal human stuff like improving can feel dangerous. That seems like a catch 22 one had to stay tuned in to.
Really nice interview, very interesting! Thanks to all three of you. Jacob, I wonder if in your research you have come across the concept of the "suffocating superego"? I think it might help you understand how terrifying it can feel to have a completely secure relationship.
What helped me in self regulation and feeling better, is seeing that there are two "layers". This is very subjective, it's something I want to express and I'm sorry that maybe I'm going to create a certain discomfort, as it's something rather selfish (even writing this half apology is somewhat selfish and garners attention). Anyway, these two "layers" are our subjective experience, our emotions, our thoughts, the way we feel our body, our memories, what makes us individuals, in general. This is not separate from others or from the environment, but it is us. On the other hand, there's life, as a system, from which derive values, standards, hierarchies. The two "layers", in my opinion, do not go well together, let's say. We cannot love or empathize with another person, for instance, see him/her from both this subjective experience point of view, while, at the same time, impose standards and hierarchies. When you're a teacher and grade a student, you're not caring for him/her, for instance. You evaluate that student, based on certain parameters that you use to deem the person to be a better or a worse specimen, how well equipped is that being for pushing life forward, ensuring its perpetuity. The person itself, in this context, is expendable. When it comes to BPD, this need to be loved or seen as a subjective individual, has been infringed upon, from a young age. This person has been bullied, has been treated as not being worthy to be loved or cared for, by family, group etc. On the hand, he/she has learned how to appreciate himself/herself as an individual and has the capacity or even the inclination to look at others from this perspective. Standards or hierarchies don't quite matter. On the other hand, with NPD, this subjective experience of the individual, is repressed and deemed irrelevant. What matters most is how well does the individual perform, as a specimen. With both disorders, there are extremes manifestations, either being in a state of severe depression, let's say, feeling unlovable and unloved or feeling incredibly safe and loved, in the case of BPD. With NPD, the extremes manifest again, in relation to standards and performance, so either an underachiever or a higher-achiever. It's not that simple, obviously, but this makes sense to me. That's why you can have both with the same individual, because they're not quite interdependent. So, that's why, with BPD, thoughts like: No one will ever love me, you'll never care for me, you're my everything, I'm an abuser, I hurt people, others are evil will arise. With NPD: I'm a loser, you're dumb/ugly/unsuccessful, I'm the best at everything/cannot fail, everyone is stupid, you're are incredibly beautiful/intelligent, you are not nearly good enough for me, you do everything wrong, that person is a brilliant mind etc. With normal people both extremes do not manifest, based on cultural standards, values etc. Still, a lack of compassion, not seeing others from this subjective view, empathizing with others, can obviously be quite harmful, when anyone manifests it. "Normal" people aren't necessarily nice, while people with NPD and/or BPD can behave better. It makes sense that both NPD and BPD can have difficulties of "seeing others", but most likely those with NPD or severe traits, are lacking more, from this respect, as they see no value in it or are lacking from this respect. Those with BPD have states and moods that might impede their capacity to empathize with others, especially when emotions are so overwhelming. It's harder to feel joyous for others, when you're miserable and vice-versa, so, for someone with BPD, that has mood shifts and rather intense emotions, "looking" at another person might pose difficulties.
I can relate with every single fuckin' thing he said. The only difference being when my girlfriend broke up with me, I feel a need to go back to her and restart. And the moment I feel secure, I want to break up. This back and forth continued for 1.5 years until she finally broke up with me for good 2 months back. I want to come out of it. There's a part of me that wants to feel secure but I don't know what to do about it. I need help.
Dude I honestly relate to that so much. This has been a very unique relationship dynamic for me but 90% of my relationships are exactly how you describe
@@ThenamelessnarcissistI am in a weird situation too I am 17 male 3 weeks in talking with a 17 female We’re both Christian, virgins, and yeah we kissed before… in a few days after like 2-3 dates…. FaceTime a lot and I see her soon to ask her out to be my gf But there is a catch…… I been more paranoid and were very open in communicating, she can help lower my mask and I been praying to God help me learn love (as a narc) She said yeah we are both learning to love…. But bro I don’t wanna idealize then discard I have thoughts on devaluing already which is crazy! I don’t wanna self sabotage a legit real relationship that could go far…first love type thing
@@ThenamelessnarcissistI watch both Sam vaknin and heal npd but it’s like do you think tools can be formed…. And we can maybe disarm our defenses because I want something real and she likes me but I told her I have a fear of abandonment I never tell her directly it’s due to narcissism lol…. But we need to pray and all that, she is very understanding and yeah
Just some thoughts from a layman inspired by the people working in the field of psychology. Especially Otto Kernberg. A person suffering from NPD lacks emotional memories? Over time they do not remember all the emotional states experienced during life like most people do so they have no clue what life is all about. Humans live their most mature life if they develop as a person to adapt to life emotional complexities and the person suffering from NPD try to workaround the complex emotional issues by using the simpler skills that were in place before integration of all the emotional experiences took place in life. So if a person suffering from NPD fears relationships it is because they are not emotionally developed to understand relationships? The self-serving style inside relationships is the skill of a small child demanding things from his or her parents? Over time mom and dad start to demand things and that is frustrating, same feeling in relationships involving a NPD partner getting demands from the neurotypical partner?
Im the complete opposite when it comes to validation ot recognition from people I hate to be noticed at all. I just don't understand why ppl live for the opinion or validation of others. It makes no sense to me and I guess it doesn't have to make sense because I'm not them and I'm not counselor so it's okay lol..but still it would suck to be like that
The 'hanging on more when not feeling secure' is the aha on observing my and others fixations 😎 conquest is not sincere affection = getting clear on just what is going on when there is intensity of attention that that can foolishly be interpreted as affection?
Jacob would do well to stop checking that his hair is in place, even if that means clipping it close to his head, so that he simply cannot do it. In this video he is constantly attending to his hair, which (wrongly or rightly) suggests somatic narcissism . I find it it at least a little alienating when people seem overly concious and concerned about their appearance.
The ironic thing is, you’re asking/demanding that he behave inauthentically. The hair check is authentic. He also leans into it with humor, which demonstrates self-awareness, and, it isn’t hurting anyone. I think these are positive qualities, and even commendable given that he has NPD. Authenticity is a big challenge for people with narcissistic traits. If seeing narcissistic behavior upsets you, maybe try watching a different channel.
His preoccupation with his hair is poignantly comical to me. Emotional dysregulation is a beast. He has palpable pain in his eyes. Compassion needed imo. 💜
@@sallyann985 What sort of qualifications are you referring to? Only asking because Jacob doesn't have any academic qualifications does he? And he was interviewed obviously.
It seems that all these narcs have this same 'cheesy" smile on their face when they speak. I wonder if anyone else notice this... Like the salesman in the cheap suit grin
@@noklarok true, its like the love bombing, it explains their grandiose appearance and highly sociable , its easy for them to be likeable.. this is dangerous to the victim.
@@shrinkingvioletvlog I agree. He seemed very disingenuous and dishonest. And he in no way seems committed to getting better. He struggled to answer their basic questions about how he's improved or what he wants out of therapy. I think he's found some stability because of the social media channels he's created and the attention he's getting, but if that were to go away, the fact that he hasn't really gotten better or worked on himself would become exceedingly clear. He's just able to support his grandiosity, for the time being
Not an expert on personality type, but "need for admiration" might also correspond with "Extraverted Thinking" (Te) in Jungian analytical psychology. It has helped me a tonne to look into cognitive functions on personality hacker / CS Joseph podcast.
Why won't Jacob engage with the trauma aspect of the therapy he was in? He seems to see himself as exceptional, even as a narcissist. For the others, it's trauma, but not for him.
Respectfully, he explicity states why. He feels he needs a "more specialized" approach. He's doing what narcissists do...saying they're not like the others & need a more special treatment. This is so predictable I called myself cliche, above, for even stating it. If you go back to the @6:30 minute mark, you'll catch him saying it. Listen further and you'll notice Rebbe notes how imposter syndrome relates to NPD. Maybe listen a few more times and you'll catch it. It's a great question! You caught on immediately that he is avoiding the trauma aspect of treatment & (seemingly) wants to get away from the therapist who knows how to get to it.
Maybe he's just done enough work in that area and is looking for a new perspective on his issues. It's a thing. People (even those without NPD) move on to different therapies as their needs evolve.
Uh. No. Personality Disorders (especially NPD) are notoriously hard to treat--and it's not always because of the patient being difficult/entitled/unwilling to address their issues. Many practitioners simple do not understand personality disorders because of inadequate training/experience, which is why seeing a specialist is often necessary. Jacob has spoken openly about his trauma on his channel on many occasions. His wanting to find a better fit for a therapist is completely within reason and within his rights, and doesn't by itself indicate that he thinks of himself as too "exceptional" for trauma therapy. I believe that you are leaning into your own implicit bias here, which is that people with NPD are unwilling to address their trauma, which is simply not true.
@@trevorbadger91 I see what you mean. However, it is possible for someone with NPD to address their trauma with a simple aim of gaining more power, control and supply. I don't know if it's the case with this person, but it does happen.
Is there more nuance to this or no? It feels like an "all-or-nothing" statement, and it isn't really adding much value, which could be avoidance of emotion with anger. Ironically, this is exactly what the problem with NPD is.
I've been watching Jacob's channel for a few months now, he seems like a really cool and self aware dude. This interview was great and it reminded me of something- narcissism often starts in childhood....when he said feeling safe in a relationship made him feel like he was in a cage.. I wonder if that's because he was used to not having that safety as a child? Really blew my mind. This topic is so interesting
this makes so much sense. My ex husband was just like this. He prioritized everyone's else's validation of our relationship. He was dismissing of my approval. He would think I am faking my empathy and wont believe it. He was not jealous either.
Jacob and I go way back. Btw Jacob, not to call you out...but we both know you're probably watching this, maybe even on repeat, and reading the comments. So, Hi! I'm really excited for you, man.
It made me so happy to see you here man!!!
@@Thenamelessnarcissist Right on brother! I'm so excited for your journey. Keep up the great work!
Is it cliche to point out the obvious trajectory of a narcissist ending a therapeutic relationship claiming they need a new therapist who has a "more specialized approach", and now that his therapist knows who he is after 2 years, he that we could infer that he has actually moved on because "she is more trauma-focused" and he wants to get as far away from dealing with that as possible (i.e. dealing with the trauma at the core of his disorder)?
Kudos to this man for admitting that he actually hangs on more in a relationship when he feels insecure in it. If she truly has AsPD, he definitely understands (on some level?) that she really does *not* need him, either, and that he needs her a lot more because of that. Good insight on his part (and he squirms around & gets real uncomfortable as he admits that, trying to fix his hair).
My mother has NPD and she has often admitted to having a husband who needed her more than she needed him (and she meant emotionally, not financially).
Whilst I don't necessarily completely disagree with your observation in the first paragraph, I think it's also important to remember that it IS a common experience of people with disorders or conditions that ar less well known amongst psychologists/psychiatrists, or are even still classified in a way that doesn't reflect the academic consent on the issue, that a therapist misunderstands or misinterprets behaviours and feelings. Also, it is a reality that for most people one therapist or one therapy doesn't "solve" (for lack of a better word ) all issues a person has - and that can be due to either, the patient or the therapist. Being AuDHD with chronic pain caused by EDS and many other fun things, I can completely understand the wish for someone, who has experience with how my way of expressing (or masking) feelings and behaviours, or my motivation for behaviours, might differ from that of a neurotypical person. And I do believe this is also relevant for personality disorders. I unfortunately also know all too well how hard it is, to find therapists that are good regarding a specific topic AND have free places ... and of course that helps with avoidance ;)
Kind of like that one time Jordan Peterson needed to find the expert of all medical experts in fucking Russia of all places to help him with his addiction because there's no way a special most enlightened man like him would succumb to something as common as drug addiction 🙄
You're watching too much Dr Ramini
@@Sarah-with-an-H Is your comment to the OP or the commenter who replied above you?
Curious because I don't see too many comments dissing her. I've been in the minority of not liking her much. She feels fake to me, in her presence so I can't even past that enough to listen to what she has to say.
@@mixedlag I'd be @ ing someone if it's responding to someone other than the OP
This interview was very enlightening for me as a partner of a man with NPD. Appreciate the excellent questions and honest answers.
This is a unique perspective because I’m not used to an NPD who actually has some view of his/her drivers and what the disorder entails. As it comes across as more BPD than NPD.
Rubbish, he showed no genuine regret or negative feelings or affect when describing the failures in his life or persons hes hurt deeply. You got sucked into superficial charm.. youre a good victim for people like this, you got yourself to blame for not being smarter and being a sucker.
Of all these type of interviews, you rarely see emotion of sadness, regret, remorse on their face, theu describe it as matter of fact..
Im am ex cop detective and the main thing i always look for is genuine sorrow in a person, this you cannot fake.
For this guy, he will not improve, likely get worse and more dangerous with age.
@@tdang9528"I'm an ex cop"
Yes we can tell by your judgemental and ignorant comment.
@@tdang9528 In my opinion, I somewhat disagree with your statement. I wouldn't say it doesn't make sense, but becoming dangerous or harming others (physically), committing crimes would not be correlated to his lack of remorse, when it comes to the certain things he did. There are people that do feel remorse and would be more dangerous. It's more about the environment, with certain experiences, with taught behaviors etc.
From what I've observed, it's more like a stunted growth, when it comes to those that exhibit narcissistic traits, in general. They never individuate completely, their morality is based on taught rules, like children, let's say. We were taught to behave, for instance, as children, but didn't quite consider the reason behind it. For instance, in our country, there's a saying: "Hitting (your child) is part of the road to heaven!". Empathy can be, therefore, "bypassed", by education and culture. It's ok to hit your child... because you were taught this way. Those that do have empathy, will essentially become rebels, going against their education, because their child will matter more.
Another example would be how someone treats their spouse. If you were taught that "getting" a man that owns a car is very important, that might be more important than what you're husband feels like. The moment your husband becomes sick, let's say, and is unable to drive anymore, you leave him or discard him. This doesn't mean you're breaking the law, but you don't feel any remorse, right?
The role, your own and others' role matters more than how you and they feel like for those that have NPD, but also for some "normal" people and based on context. But, with narcissism, it's very pervasive, this is what narcissists were taught, the only thing they know. Empathy is based on experience. If no one cared for you, as an individual, for your needs, for your moods, feelings etc., as a child and you have no memory with those, you cannot care for others. This doesn't mean you'll become a criminal and it doesn't mean only criminals are narcissists, either. It just means that you'll be an asshole, many times. I would also say it might feel... uncomfortable for other people when interacting with them, because again, you don't matter, your assigned role does. They'll either kiss your ass for your superior role or demean you or try to "teach" you have you "must" be, but again, there's no human interaction or empathy... It's like having a the same relationship you have with a vacuum salesman, but with your father, instead.
I don't think being empathetic is "natural" either, it's night like a physiological function. We all have lungs, hearts and kidneys and they do the same thing. Empathy is not... it's also taught, caring for someone actually means going against society sometimes. You'll care more about your children than your social image, if you care for them. You may even steal for them, even it's wrong... How can you not steal medicine, for instance, if your child is sick and you see no other way? Loving someone also implies going against your own immediate interests, at first hand. Your chances of survival may diminish when you care for others... We don't buy food for our children, so they become the next Elon Musk and push life forward... Narcissists kinda do... or again, its' more about their role. Good parents buy food for their children, but again... when a situation that goes against this "construct", they don't adapt. Your spelling matters more than your wellbeing, if they were taught by their own narcissistic parents the same way.
We, as living beings, are formed out of our memories, what was done to us and what we did to others. When we harm others, we also harm ourselves, we keep the memory, be it with emotion or not. Associating emotions with events also insure establishing stronger memories, for most people. Thus, those that have less empathy, have a harder time forming memories with others. So, there's an emptiness there, instead of guilt or remorse.
My point is that... it's more complex and varied, even if you make a strong point with the idea that certain people never change and there are criminals that have no remorse. It's hard to navigate through these things and I hope you stay safe and be well :) You don't need to shun this person, though, to see him as being evil, because you're also harming yourself, in the process. Even if he is what you say he is, you're becoming a little bit like him. So... don't :) You be you, keep being kind to yourself and others, even if it sometimes is very hard. You are allowed to keep your kindness, your values, your emotional wellbeing, even though some people you've had to interact with don't deserve your kindness.
I also wanted to tell you that I've had a small conversation with him on Instagram, at one point. For me, it was healing. He's also struggling and... I was able to show him a little compassion, from what I was able to give him and he welcomed it. It felt good for me. To a certain extent, it doesn't matter if he "feels" nothing, in this context, because just answering to my message helped me form a happy memory. He was generous, I would say more than I was. He told he wasn't able to feel my emotions, but I was able to feel his. It goes both ways :) For me, he's not a bad person... at all... he has his youtube channel in which he talks about what he did wrong... he's putting himself in a vulnerable state, implicitly and we, his audience get to feel better about ourselves, again... implicitly. So... I don't know :) This is a form of kindness too :) He is capable of it and I would say this kindness is real and it matters and it sits outside his diagnosis.
It’s usually a cluster. Personality disorders seldomly come singular. In this case Cluster B. Within that a lot of believed symptomatic behavior seemingly oscillates btw various clusters ( of behavior). In many families where there is NPD ( this terminology is actually no longer used. It is now ASPD ) there is also BPD, sociopathy and variances and crossovers. ( possibly).
In short the internet can hardly convey the complexity.
@@tdang9528 This s a 30-minute video. People who have made mistakes in life don't walk around publicly "repenting" for their past mistakes 24/7. Be realistic & go to therapy. I'd take a relationship with a self-aware mentally ill human than a "probably never worked on himself or done any introspective work a day in his life ex cop" any day.
Oh hooray, I'm so pleased to see a new video from you.
I've been worried you'd stop making them.
I'll watch this later. Things are very difficult at the moment.
I hope videos will be more regular again.
We are trying trying trying. More to come. Thank you for the props, we always welcome the encouragement. And hoping your difficult moment moves into a more settled space. - R
Thank you for this chat! It is so insightful!
Validation over real connection! When connection is not formed( attachment) they dont need to break it so its shallow staying together in some sort, cause no emotions involved, no intimacy. Cause thats what they fear attachment and crave it at the same time. Wonderful video… great questions asked.
Thank you all for this.
Very interesting to find out more about NPD.
Rebbie's face at minute 24:54 when he was talking about his first girlfriend hahahahhaha Thanks so much for making the video and showing us yet again why these people should be avoided at all costs. The whole thing is chilling.
Yeaaa Rebbie was not impressed 🙈😄
@@user-px5sd2cn1o my ex gf did this before my birthday right into the pandemic :(
makes me so validated to see people not put up with it cause I definitely felt like the whole world was against me for the longest time and too some degree they were 😂
Unless you have ever been in a relationship with someone who has NPD you will never be able to understand that they are not evil “chilling” monsters that do pre meditated, pre calculated terrible things to those that love them. Your comment just shows your lack of knowledge regarding NPD or any personality disorder for that matter. It’s not a choice for them, it’s not something they choose to do, they are wired that way, it’s pathological. If you educated yourself on NPD you would know the very reason they have it in the first place is predominantly because of some form of trauma they have suffered as a child in the emotional developing stages of childhood.
It’s an ILLNESS, it baffles me how majority of society find it so easy to have sympathy, understanding and love for someone suffering from say cancer as an illness but fail to see people with not only NPD but any mental health condition/disorder as an ILLNESS.
And no I do not have NPD but my wife does. I would rather she had cancer to be honest, mental illness is the most heartbreaking thing to ever have to go through with someone you love. I pray you and yours never have to experience it in your lifetime.
19:03
Bpd have more empathy for strangers then their “loved ones”
He keeps showing more bpd traits that npd don’t have
28:23
He’s describing engulfment anxiety
A bpd trait that causes them not to be able to have long term healthy romantic relationships
They're in the same cluster and often overlap
@ yes but how do you think they differentiate them ?
@ yes but how do you think they differentiate them ?
Thank you all for the engaging interview. I really appreciate Jacob's honesty. You don't have to meet the DSM diagnosis of NPD to seek refuge in perpetual motion. Our narcissistic culture reinforces the myth of "never enough," which keeps many of us constantly striving and consuming.
❤❤❤ this was such a great interview, thank you for providing a space for representation and community!
Narcissists need "their own community" like rats need their own foodbank. WTF are you thinking?
That’s awesome Jacob! I have been down quite a journey in digging into my BPD and I owe thanks to this Chanel. I will be checking out yours.
YESSS!!! More Jacob on this channel please!
Love this so much. Thank you!
I can relate with Jacob discussing his relationship dynamic. My ex would cling on and I became more avoidant. I was very harsh and didn’t back down. It to me looked like my ex became more BPD presenting than NPD. I became very callous out of frustration and from abuse.
Hi btw!!! It’s so good to see you here! I hope you’ve been well!!
It oscillates greatly btw those 2. Very often where there is the one present, the other isn’t far
@@ThenamelessnarcissistI hope you're well too and have a great summer 🫂
Yay! Been waiting for this
One of my favorite channels!
Thanks for the interview!
Im gonna follow this guy Jacob since I can relate to most of mental states he's describing. Narcissism is a spectrum and all people have some sort of narcissist traits (there is so called healthy narcissism).
Very grateful to Jacob for hus opennes. He does not hier behind lot of Theorie to avoid vulnerability. And very clear, very aware. Following and understanding here. Thanks
I’m starting to suspect my husband has NPD… I know everyone thinks that nowadays but our therapist first suggested it, his ex girlfriend and her therapist sister brought it up to me (we have become good friends). But the part that threw me off is he’s not jealous. So it’s interesting to hear Jacob doesn’t get jealous either!
Thank you! Very enlightening
Jacob, i wish you all the best ❤!!!
Jacob is great lol he's a "tell it like it ACTUALLY is", kind of guy
Great questions were asked
TW: Mention of child SA in the replies to my comment
I honestly think empathy is overrated as well as misunderstood a lot of the time. Firstly, the conflation of empathy with ethical behaviour is very clearly complete rubbish, otherwise the world wouldn't be the way it is. In fact, empathy can lead to rather unethical behaviour because it is "too hard to bear" seeing other people suffer, which encourages dehumanisation (e.g. studies have found that in the average person, looking at a homeless person activates the same part of the brain as looking at an inanimate object doe, and often they are treated as such).
Secondly, what we understand to be empathical, is modelled on an average, neurotypical, white person that grew up in a western society. Empathy is created by being able to relate to others experiences - and strangely this concept is only ever applied in one direction. People inside, what is considered "the norm" in the Western world, demand all the empathy and understanding for all their actions but rarely manage to produce an empathical response to experiences that lie outside that norm. So from my view point as a person with AuDHD, EDS and other stuff, I have made the experience from a very young age that what I feel and experience is "wrong" or "untrue", when in fact what I experienced was a lack of empathy from people, who assumed everyone in ther world functions the same way they do. If I do tests, I supposedly have low empathy. Which I sometimes do - e.g. I cannot understand how anyone could feel sad about not being able to have children. But none of my friends with children can understand how it would be an absolute horror for me to ever get pregnant. So why are we talking about one lack of empathy, but not the other?
I don't need to feel what another person is feeling, in order to be nice or supportive. I think in fact, that it would be super benificial for A LOT of people to be more open to the possibility, that someone may experience things differently to them without assigning it a place on a moral scale that has no foundation in a reality beyond their own.
@@user-lt4nm1iy3h mate I'll give you an example, where your lack of empathy potentially causes harm to any person reading this reply. Because dumping your or someone elses trauma onto a non-consenting person is pretty un-empathetic tbh, especially without a trigger warning. You have no idea what I, or other people potentially reading this, may have experienced in our lives and you can trigger trauma responses by dumping this kind of story onto a traumatised person. You clearly lack the experience of this happening to you (at least concerning this kind of info) and therefore apparently lack the empathy to not write this kind of response to a person you don't know ought about in a public forum. Whilst I don't quite understand, why what you are saying is opposed to what I said. All I said was, that a lack of empathy doesn't equate unethical behaviour and that empathy is informed by ones own experiences. And you have just proven my point.
@@user-lt4nm1iy3h It's so hilarious to me how you come onto a comment I made, trauma dumping info, and then gas-lighting me when I criticise your behaviour. That is really gross behaviour and I'd ask you to stop it. Literally I have no clue what you want from me. You want me to address a point you made? WHAT point did you make? And PLEASE make the point without more trauma dumping or I will simply block you. And just in case I didn't make myself clear: I am asking you here to respect my boundaries and if you don't I will enforce them. You didn't make any point regarding my comment, but I'll comment on it anyway as that is what you seem to be hoping for (little clue here for the future - if you want something from an autistic person, just say WHAT it is you want instead of writing some out of context story and hope the person will be able to guess what you're getting at).
Nowhere have I said a lack of empathy CAN't lead to problematic behaviour. All I have said is, that 1. empathy is felt for those, whose experience we can relate to. As you have proven in your interaction with me twice now. You clearly cannot relate to my feeling uncomfortable or someone possibly feeling triggered by your trauma dumping. Instead you even feel treated unfairly by my pointing out to you, that this sort of information is inappropriate in this space and this form and you put me in the offending position supposedly "virtue signalling". HOWEVER eventhough you lack empathy for me in this particular moment, I don't assume you lack empathy alltogether. Just as I don't think your shitty behaviour towards me is caused by your lack of empathy in this situation. Rather, I would assume, it stems from a need to be understood and an embarressment from being called out by me. Just as I see absolutely no connection between low empathy and your cousins avoidance of addressing her trauma and shame. Those are completely unrelated issues, that of course can influence each other as anything in our psyche can. But avoidance is a survival strategy that the vast majority of trauma survivours will have employed at one point or another - no matter how high or low their empathy is.
The other point I made was that low empathy isn't necessarily related to immoral or "bad" behaviour, just as moral or "good" behaviour isn't the logical conlusion to high empathy. Again, your story doesn't allow in any way to conclude that an immoral behaviour followed low empathy. All I read is a pretty standard behaviour in people with unresolved trauma.
I also am not sure why you are so insistant on narcissists, as my comment purely addressed the part where Jacob spoke about his low empathy and I put in my two cents on that. Low empathy is something that CAN be experienced by a range of people. And trust me most of us, who have mental health issues, disorders or conditions have problematic behaviours that can affect people around us and especially ourselves pretty badly. But so do most people that are considered the norm - especially towards those of us who belong to the afore mentioned group. So yeah, still not sure if you understood the point I initially was making, but I hope I made myself clear now.
Empathy is not about feeling the feelings of others. Its about feeling with them, but your feelings are your own.
Thank you for your honesty
I feel that the main problem is that psychology has clear definitions of what is sick but not a clear definition of what is Health.
that's deep
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Such a great comment! I feel the same way
It has clear definitions of what is health in authoritarian regimes where it is used as an instrument of contol.
In more free countries, nothing that causes you or others distress or harm can be considered pathological. E. G. Ordinary people see hearing voices as unhealthy, but in psychology nowadays it really depends primarily on the attitude the listener has to the voices.
An example of the opposite is that under Franco, soicialism was seen as insanity and you could be lobotomised for being anti-fascist.
Actually child psychology is full of definitions of what healthy is and when it's not it's called pathology. Healthy is the baseline if you'd like and anything that is off the baseline on that Continuum is counter.
It sounds like that would be a tricky one, when you have narcissistic traits and you’re trying to improve, feeling proud of normal human stuff like improving can feel dangerous. That seems like a catch 22 one had to stay tuned in to.
Really nice interview, very interesting! Thanks to all three of you. Jacob, I wonder if in your research you have come across the concept of the "suffocating superego"? I think it might help you understand how terrifying it can feel to have a completely secure relationship.
What helped me in self regulation and feeling better, is seeing that there are two "layers". This is very subjective, it's something I want to express and I'm sorry that maybe I'm going to create a certain discomfort, as it's something rather selfish (even writing this half apology is somewhat selfish and garners attention).
Anyway, these two "layers" are our subjective experience, our emotions, our thoughts, the way we feel our body, our memories, what makes us individuals, in general. This is not separate from others or from the environment, but it is us.
On the other hand, there's life, as a system, from which derive values, standards, hierarchies.
The two "layers", in my opinion, do not go well together, let's say. We cannot love or empathize with another person, for instance, see him/her from both this subjective experience point of view, while, at the same time, impose standards and hierarchies. When you're a teacher and grade a student, you're not caring for him/her, for instance. You evaluate that student, based on certain parameters that you use to deem the person to be a better or a worse specimen, how well equipped is that being for pushing life forward, ensuring its perpetuity. The person itself, in this context, is expendable.
When it comes to BPD, this need to be loved or seen as a subjective individual, has been infringed upon, from a young age. This person has been bullied, has been treated as not being worthy to be loved or cared for, by family, group etc. On the hand, he/she has learned how to appreciate himself/herself as an individual and has the capacity or even the inclination to look at others from this perspective. Standards or hierarchies don't quite matter.
On the other hand, with NPD, this subjective experience of the individual, is repressed and deemed irrelevant. What matters most is how well does the individual perform, as a specimen.
With both disorders, there are extremes manifestations, either being in a state of severe depression, let's say, feeling unlovable and unloved or feeling incredibly safe and loved, in the case of BPD. With NPD, the extremes manifest again, in relation to standards and performance, so either an underachiever or a higher-achiever. It's not that simple, obviously, but this makes sense to me.
That's why you can have both with the same individual, because they're not quite interdependent.
So, that's why, with BPD, thoughts like: No one will ever love me, you'll never care for me, you're my everything, I'm an abuser, I hurt people, others are evil will arise. With NPD: I'm a loser, you're dumb/ugly/unsuccessful, I'm the best at everything/cannot fail, everyone is stupid, you're are incredibly beautiful/intelligent, you are not nearly good enough for me, you do everything wrong, that person is a brilliant mind etc.
With normal people both extremes do not manifest, based on cultural standards, values etc. Still, a lack of compassion, not seeing others from this subjective view, empathizing with others, can obviously be quite harmful, when anyone manifests it. "Normal" people aren't necessarily nice, while people with NPD and/or BPD can behave better. It makes sense that both NPD and BPD can have difficulties of "seeing others", but most likely those with NPD or severe traits, are lacking more, from this respect, as they see no value in it or are lacking from this respect. Those with BPD have states and moods that might impede their capacity to empathize with others, especially when emotions are so overwhelming. It's harder to feel joyous for others, when you're miserable and vice-versa, so, for someone with BPD, that has mood shifts and rather intense emotions, "looking" at another person might pose difficulties.
I can relate with every single fuckin' thing he said. The only difference being when my girlfriend broke up with me, I feel a need to go back to her and restart. And the moment I feel secure, I want to break up. This back and forth continued for 1.5 years until she finally broke up with me for good 2 months back.
I want to come out of it. There's a part of me that wants to feel secure but I don't know what to do about it. I need help.
Dude I honestly relate to that so much. This has been a very unique relationship dynamic for me but 90% of my relationships are exactly how you describe
@@ThenamelessnarcissistI am in a weird situation too
I am 17 male 3 weeks in talking with a 17 female
We’re both Christian, virgins, and yeah we kissed before… in a few days after like 2-3 dates….
FaceTime a lot and I see her soon to ask her out to be my gf
But there is a catch…… I been more paranoid and were very open in communicating, she can help lower my mask and I been praying to God help me learn love (as a narc)
She said yeah we are both learning to love….
But bro I don’t wanna idealize then discard I have thoughts on devaluing already which is crazy!
I don’t wanna self sabotage a legit real relationship that could go far…first love type thing
@@ThenamelessnarcissistI watch both Sam vaknin and heal npd but it’s like do you think tools can be formed…. And we can maybe disarm our defenses because I want something real and she likes me but I told her I have a fear of abandonment I never tell her directly it’s due to narcissism lol….
But we need to pray and all that, she is very understanding and yeah
21:14 Great question
Just some thoughts from a layman inspired by the people working in the field of psychology. Especially Otto Kernberg.
A person suffering from NPD lacks emotional memories? Over time they do not remember all the emotional states experienced during life like most people do so they have no clue what life is all about. Humans live their most mature life if they develop as a person to adapt to life emotional complexities and the person suffering from NPD try to workaround the complex emotional issues by using the simpler skills that were in place before integration of all the emotional experiences took place in life.
So if a person suffering from NPD fears relationships it is because they are not emotionally developed to understand relationships?
The self-serving style inside relationships is the skill of a small child demanding things from his or her parents? Over time mom and dad start to demand things and that is frustrating, same feeling in relationships involving a NPD partner getting demands from the neurotypical partner?
As a B/NPD how did you manage to "fix" these issues?
Im the complete opposite when it comes to validation ot recognition from people I hate to be noticed at all. I just don't understand why ppl live for the opinion or validation of others. It makes no sense to me and I guess it doesn't have to make sense because I'm not them and I'm not counselor so it's okay lol..but still it would suck to be like that
The 'hanging on more when not feeling secure' is the aha on observing my and others fixations 😎 conquest is not sincere affection = getting clear on just what is going on when there is intensity of attention that that can foolishly be interpreted as affection?
With the car battery example he made. He seems like he’s a borderline not a narcissist
Jacob has a rocket in his pocket _ the Richie Rich show
Would you deem jacob to have "sanpaku" eyes?
fascinating
Jacob would do well to stop checking that his hair is in place, even if that means clipping it close to his head, so that he simply cannot do it. In this video he is constantly attending to his hair, which (wrongly or rightly) suggests somatic narcissism . I find it it at least a little alienating when people seem overly concious and concerned about their appearance.
The ironic thing is, you’re asking/demanding that he behave inauthentically. The hair check is authentic. He also leans into it with humor, which demonstrates self-awareness, and, it isn’t hurting anyone. I think these are positive qualities, and even commendable given that he has NPD. Authenticity is a big challenge for people with narcissistic traits. If seeing narcissistic behavior upsets you, maybe try watching a different channel.
His preoccupation with his hair is poignantly comical to me. Emotional dysregulation is a beast. He has palpable pain in his eyes. Compassion needed imo. 💜
Yes! So true.
You act as if people can turn off personality disorders 😂
I feel so unseen
The paranoia of being taken advantage of or manipulated. Sounds familiar.
Please, get in touch and try to do an interview with Prof. Vaknin. Still amazes me you haven't had him on this channel.
Probably because he has no qualifications besides knowing how to scam people.
@@sallyann985 Hope this was a joke.😀
@@A_n_y_t_i_m_e not at all. Look into it. His PhD comes from an online school and is in something completely unrelated.
@@sallyann985 What sort of qualifications are you referring to? Only asking because Jacob doesn't have any academic qualifications does he? And he was interviewed obviously.
@@mixedlag I'm talking about Vaknin.
It seems that all these narcs have this same 'cheesy" smile on their face when they speak.
I wonder if anyone else notice this... Like the salesman in the cheap suit grin
a good term for this is "glib charm"
@@noklarok true, its like the love bombing, it explains their grandiose appearance and highly sociable , its easy for them to be likeable.. this is dangerous to the victim.
Jacob is articulate and personable. And he seems to have a high degree of self-awareness.
I disagree. This seems like bad acting.
@@shrinkingvioletvlog I agree. He seemed very disingenuous and dishonest. And he in no way seems committed to getting better. He struggled to answer their basic questions about how he's improved or what he wants out of therapy. I think he's found some stability because of the social media channels he's created and the attention he's getting, but if that were to go away, the fact that he hasn't really gotten better or worked on himself would become exceedingly clear. He's just able to support his grandiosity, for the time being
@@codyabramson8758 exactly. He is being rewarded by pretending to be in recovery.
Not an expert on personality type, but "need for admiration" might also correspond with "Extraverted Thinking" (Te) in Jungian analytical psychology. It has helped me a tonne to look into cognitive functions on personality hacker / CS Joseph podcast.
Why won't Jacob engage with the trauma aspect of the therapy he was in? He seems to see himself as exceptional, even as a narcissist. For the others, it's trauma, but not for him.
Respectfully, he explicity states why. He feels he needs a "more specialized" approach. He's doing what narcissists do...saying they're not like the others & need a more special treatment. This is so predictable I called myself cliche, above, for even stating it. If you go back to the @6:30 minute mark, you'll catch him saying it.
Listen further and you'll notice Rebbe notes how imposter syndrome relates to NPD.
Maybe listen a few more times and you'll catch it. It's a great question! You caught on immediately that he is avoiding the trauma aspect of treatment & (seemingly) wants to get away from the therapist who knows how to get to it.
Maybe he's just done enough work in that area and is looking for a new perspective on his issues. It's a thing. People (even those without NPD) move on to different therapies as their needs evolve.
Uh. No.
Personality Disorders (especially NPD) are notoriously hard to treat--and it's not always because of the patient being difficult/entitled/unwilling to address their issues. Many practitioners simple do not understand personality disorders because of inadequate training/experience, which is why seeing a specialist is often necessary.
Jacob has spoken openly about his trauma on his channel on many occasions. His wanting to find a better fit for a therapist is completely within reason and within his rights, and doesn't by itself indicate that he thinks of himself as too "exceptional" for trauma therapy.
I believe that you are leaning into your own implicit bias here, which is that people with NPD are unwilling to address their trauma, which is simply not true.
@@trevorbadger91 I see what you mean. However, it is possible for someone with NPD to address their trauma with a simple aim of gaining more power, control and supply. I don't know if it's the case with this person, but it does happen.
He’s narcissistic for views. Not interested in actual recovery.
The title is a bit of an oxymoron.
I unsubscribed from the channel after seeing this vid.
Why?
This is not an airport, you don't need to announce the flight
Is there more nuance to this or no? It feels like an "all-or-nothing" statement, and it isn't really adding much value, which could be avoidance of emotion with anger. Ironically, this is exactly what the problem with NPD is.
You are apart of the problem
In other words, "Doesn't suit my agenda, don't need to tell you why, but be sure you question your morality for remaining subscribed"
Shame on you guys for giving this abuser a platform.
Abuser of who? If he's an abuser why is he not in prison?
@@josevictoralveslouredo2579what a dumb question! 😂😂
Abusers are glorified all the time! It’s a joke!
@@josevictoralveslouredo2579I was in a relationship with a violent narcissist he isn’t in prison. You absolute fool.
“Narcissism” doesn’t mean you’re a monster who goes around abusing people….
I've been watching Jacob's channel for a few months now, he seems like a really cool and self aware dude. This interview was great and it reminded me of something- narcissism often starts in childhood....when he said feeling safe in a relationship made him feel like he was in a cage.. I wonder if that's because he was used to not having that safety as a child? Really blew my mind. This topic is so interesting